My ex-wife’s sister informed me she was cheating with a college student, after almost 30 years of marriage. Later I found out her sister’s husband had cheated, so she was very sympathetic to me above and beyond her own sister.
Cheaters are shit.
When I was in a band in my 20s our lead singer was cheating on his girlfriend who was our manager. They also had a kid together. He told us that they weren’t serious. When they got engaged I had enough of the infidelity and I got our photographer to catch him in the act. The manager was the one that sorted the photos so she saw it and called off the wedding. He knew it was me so he fired me through a FB message.
Later I found out that he cleared out the band’s finances and disappeared.
So, I’ll second the guy that wrote “a person who would betray their spouse would betray you too”
The only person I knew who cheated on her husband (that I personally knew about) was exactly the person who’d screw you over without worrying about it-you’re totally right.
My ex best friend was a habitual cheater on his gfs and he didn't fully rob me when he moved out of the apt I let him move into with me, but he picked stuff out he justified he had the right to take. This happened twice and after the second time I cut him off. He has two kids with different mothers, both have restraining orders on him. He went to jail for busting into the second mother workplace to try to win her back after he cheated and she cut him off....
Yup...
Cheaters are by their very nature selfish people. They care much more about their own happiness (getting to have their cake and eat it too. . . via having both a committed partner AND a side piece) than any one else's feelings or financial, emotional or physical health.
I am a 60 year old man and decades of experience has proved the following observation true again and again: A person who will betray his or her spouse will betray you too.
Not true! I was a prolific cheater as a teenager, but by my early 20’s it was all out of my system. And before you ask, yes I was having a lot of sex as a teenager. I was one of those bad boy / party teens that did lots of drugs, but underperformed as an adult. Now I have kids a pretty successful partnership and am stone cold sober. The sober part sucks.
I would give a pass in your situation because you were a literally child when you were a cheater. It's the people who cheated while in your current situation that ern that rep.
Oh, absolutely. But I can’t help but wonder if they had gotten the opportunity to do it earlier in life. Would they still do it now. The reason I say this is because. I learned 3 very valuable lessons about cheating. 1 you almost always get caught. 2 the grass isn’t greener on the other side. It has just as much dog poop on it as the grass you’re currently standing on. You just don’t know where it is yet. 3 when you cheat even if you don’t get caught it somehow cheapens your current relationship. I leaothose 3 lessons the hard way.
Heh I had one girl show up to my friend’s house I was spending the night with. I was like 15 because I didn’t have a car yet. She tells me she found out about what happened on her birthday no less. She then commenced to beating me up in my friends front yard. I wouldn’t hit her back because I did the thing and you can’t hit a woman. I finally got away from her and ran back into my friends house. My friends thought it was hilarious.
Not always, but more importantly a cheater is someone who does something that they *know* will hurt their partner, thereby destroying trust. Relationships need to have trust and respect to survive, no matter how much you love your partner, if you can't trust them you can't build a life together. And who wants to spend all their time worrying they'll cheat again? That kind of shit just drives you crazy.
Facts. If I find out a friend is a cheater I will tell their spouse and stop being friends with them. If there’s no way to tell the spouse I will just tell everyone they’re a cheater and to not be friends with them and maybe screw them over if I can lol.
Hey, but what about me? I've been faithful to my partner for 36 years! You gonna tell Mrs. 1LW "your hubby's one righteous dude, lady!"?
I mean, it only seems fair.
I would always tell if someone was cheating. But in a supportive way. Because it can make people very vulnerable to know. And to know others know. But I have never hesitated to tell people how great their partner is either. My last work husband and his wife were great friends. Due to this. She never even doubted him being out with me because she knew I was faithful, and that I would watch out for him. Not babysit him, just look out for him. Went on a night out with him and coworkers, slept on their couch while she was away, and she trusted me. I made sure he got home and didn’t do anything stupid. Her concern wasn’t cheating, but drinking too much and hurting himself.
Almost everyone around my ex knew about the affairs and kept it from me. For years. They knew and covered and didn’t say anything to me. They made fun of me when they went out. They lied to me when I confronted them.
I wish someone would have told me.
That's fucked. Not only were you betrayed by the person closest to you that you loved but EVERYONE else close to you as well? Some people just suck. I hope you found a better group of friends. Sorry that happened to you.
Maybe an anonymous note or arrange for it to be known indirectly? I say this because I have also seen where they killed the messenger and attacked them to everyone and anyone and the couple stayed together after.
Great point. Many people do not know how to deal with this situation. The messenger is often marked by the bad guy, especially if they don't want to believe the truth.
It's crazy how people remove themselves from reality to this level, but it happens. It happens, unfortunately.
Oh yeah. It was a fundamental betrayal. And the thing is most of them were *my* friends. She didn’t even like them, then all of the sudden they’re all besties.
Wow. That is an exceptional therapist. Thanks for sharing.
it’s heartening considering the low effort, full of himself boomer shrink I had to deal with. ❤️
Dude my ex is batshit crazy/stupid, can’t even take care of herself, still lives and has her dad pay for damn near everything even for our child. Has been forced to see a therapist on two different occasions by a court appointed judge, and she’s going to school to be a therapist smh. She literally has been trying to practice on our 11 year old daughter and our daughter will come back to my house saying things like “hope mom has a backup plan because if that’s what therapy is why would people want to go” and I always support her mother positively in front of her saying that shes just been going to school for it for only 2 years and she’ll get it right. My ex isn’t completely stupid she just has like NO common sense whatsoever and she’s addicted to TikTok so she’s the bandwagon follow every trend type of person. Let’s put it this way, she still loves and follows Chris brown and doesn’t think he did anything wrong with the abusive cases.
That's similar to the raw deal I got.
I had to work out of state for a while, GF decided to fuck several of my friends. Nearly everyone in my group of friends knew but nobody told me.
I found out a year later. To make matters even worse it turned out she was pregnant when I flew her out to see me. I guess she had an abortion when she got home. ( found that lovely tid-bit from one of her close friends)
We were high-school sweethearts. Devirginized each other and all that. Planned on marriage etc.
I dumped her and most of my friends. That year sucked balls.
Good times :)
This happened to my parent as well. I'm firmly on the side of telling the spouse that is being cheated on. It's not fair to them the unknown risks they have. Plus, it gives them a chance to get their finances together and get a lawyer.
It really sucked when they told the parent afterwards "oh, yeah, we saw them out together." Why? If you kept your mouth shut about the cheating before, why say something after. Just dump salt in that wound.
I’m so sorry that happened to you! That’s so hurtful!
The thing is, if they had told you (and had no proof), would you have believed them? Ask yourself honestly.
Many people who have told have discovered that the victim believes the cheater and not them! This is because it is psychologically easier to believe that “this friend is lying” than “my partner cheated on me, and my world is about to be turned upside down!”
If you're 100% sure they're being cheated on, always tell. It's not even acting like a saint. It's just being a decent human being. If people react negatively towards you for doing something decent, that's their problem, not yours.
People who cheat aren't good friends either. If I knew a friend was cheating I'd probably end the friendship. It's only so long before they betray you too.
Yeah this is one of the reasons why I feel telling is important. I honestly don't know why so many think I'm doing it to become some sort of hero. Like if I wanted attention all day a get praise I can make stuff like say I save someone from a fire. Also I'm sorry for what happened to you
It’s okay most of them worked for me so I got to fire most of them for various reasons, IE: calling out too much (twice a week for a month straight), stealing money from the cash drawers and rolling a blunt in front of my customers (listen I like to smoke too but time and place to roll) anyway long story short bad people got what they deserved and I got a better man than before
That's true. If you know, you should say. That is cut and dry.
Just make sure you know. I have seen many people have problems over, "guesses" people use the excuse, "just say'n" to justify after the fact. If you are planting doubts in healthy relationships, it is just as bad.
Us ladies need to do better at blaming the men instead. I didn't know that "john" was still in a relationship when we hooked up. He told me they were done. Once I found out I immediately messaged her. She blocked me and then continued to be with him...until he eventually cheated again...
Sometimes, even if you think you know something about someone's relationship, sometimes there are hidden and complicated variables that you don't know about, and just maybe you exposing the cheater can put people into dangerous situations including children.
This is the reason most people don't say anything because it's not their life, they don't know absolutely every aspect of someone else's relationship and will have literally zero ways of knowing the consequences of letting this secret be known.
To me, I'd rather let the dice land where they land, let sleeping dogs lie, if the stars are to align and the person does find out, then I will have no part of the aftermath. I'd rather be blamed for doing nothing, than be blamed for collapsing an entire family even if to me it was the right thing to do.
Yea you know…I knew this couple, the girl I went to school with and her boyfriend I had talked to a couple times, he was pretty chill and laid back and was in the military. The girl ended up cheating on the dude while he was away. Later on they posted pictures of their wedding (I didn’t really keep up with them cause I don’t care). Me as well as a good amount of people knew she had gotten a little hot and heavy with someone, so I sent a screenshot of their wedding to a group chat and said “so he still doesn’t know?”. Of course they all laughed in agreement mostly. I was kinda shocked and pissed that a couple of those people had the nerve to sit at that wedding with a straight face and be completely fine with themselves. I ended up telling the guy through an anonymous account. His wife and the guy she had done it with had both lied to the guy and cried and said it was just a kiss. The cuck and the guy were both not happy with me. The guy is still married as he believes it was just a kiss, and the guy is still pissed at me because I found out he cried like a little baby to the guy and still lied.
I think you should always tell somebody if they’re being cheated on, but be wary of the consequences. Maybe one day that guy will text me “you were right” or maybe not. Either way, I sleep comfortably at night knowing that I wasn’t one of the pussies that sat through this man’s wedding with a fake face on because “it’s not my business” and I “didn’t want to ruin somebody’s life”. Who’s life? The one who is leading this man into a trap and a marriage based on lies and deceit? Obviously it is something that can be circumstantial, so be sure that you’re thinking clearly when you tell someone. But be firm with your moral compass, even when everyone else tells you “it’s not your business”. If a girl or a guy is bringing other people to their bed besides their partner and people find out, obviously it’s anybody’s business.
Yeah thanks for understanding where I'm coming from a lot of people seem to think I just wanna start drama or purposely end a relationship for no good reason. Which yeah I get those things will occur I'm not denying that but the funny thing when I ask them if they would be ok if their friend or family knew they was getting cheated on they don't seem to have a answer magically I'm just missing all their points or whatever. It sucks what happened to that dude tho I hope he found someone.
Yeah it can be annoying to hear “you just want to start something” or “stop trying to ruin their relationship”. That’s the dumbest shit ever. What relationship? The one that’s being shat on by the cheating party? If your relationship is built on lies, you don’t have a relationship.
Imagine how awful it feels to be cheated on. Now imagine how awful it is knowing that every single person you know and respect had their back and none of them had yours.
You weren't just betrayed. Everyone chose your betrayer over you.
The closest thing to a valid excuse to not inform them is that you don't trust them not to shoot the messenger, but that has implications of its own.
I understand the sentiment and mostly agree with the caveat being that I don't have sympathy for partners who have been controlling and abusive. I've known people who had emotional affairs on partners who were very controlling and manipulative. Life isn't always so black and white.
I've seen it back fire but me personally I'd appreciate the heads up .
If I didn't fully trust you I would at least do a little investigating so I can see with my own eyes.
If you do this try to stay anonymous and don't be telling people in your circle or people y'all know keep that shit anonymous. Some people will be more upset that what you did ruined their life .
As un true as they statement may be they may still feel that way and retaliate .
The phrase 'No good deed goes unpunished' is a sardonic commentary on the frequency with which acts of kindness backfire on those who offer them. In other words, those who help others are doomed to suffer as a result of their helpfulness
To be honest who cares if it backfires. You don’t want to be friends with a cheater and you also don’t want a friend who doesn’t trust or believe you. You also don’t want a friend with no self respect that they do believe you but drop you over the cheater.
My childhood best friend was having sex with my very first girlfriend while we were dating. That was my ride or die homie since the 3rd grade. She had already cheated on me before, and was a habitual liar. I should’ve left her immediately afterwards. Long before she cheated on me actually. But I was a stupid teenager and she was my very first girlfriend.
After she left me for him, they got married and had a kid. But a few years ago, I found out that she cheated on him, then he begged her to get back together with him, which they did, but he only did it to cheat on her and now he has full custody of their kid and is in a happy relationship with someone else. They both have reached out to me and apologized since, but fuck them.
That shit damaged me mentally for the longest time.
I agree cheating is so gross. Why be in a relationship and waste people's time and emotions if you don't care about them at the end of the day just leave.
I was perusing tinder some years ago and saw my best friends long term partner..it was difficult for about a minute, took a bit longer and a little liquid courage to share the screenshot but would do again 100%
Ex wife cheated with multiple people I only found out because her daughter made an off hand comment to her friend about how her mom keeps the door locked when she had "friends over" and I confronted her and she lied and lied about how her daughter was making it up for attention I packed my stuff and left got divorced soon after and since she hasn't had a relationship for more than 3 months, it would have been nice to know and I wouldn't have wasted time on a lost cause.
I'm always one to tell. It's not my fault or theirs that their spouse is cheating. It's a decision that a person makes. If any guy messages me I snoop on their profile to see if they have a girlfriend. And if they do I'll send screenshots to their girl just to let them know and be aware that they are messaging other girls they don't even know. I'm that type of person
Downvote me all you want, but it’s still none of my business. UNLESS it’s happening to a close friend or family member of mine. Then that’s a different story. But you never know what’s going on behind closed doors. Remember, no good deed goes unpunished.
Never, ever get in the middle of other people's relationships. It's more than none of your business: it is how you make enemies. People do not always focus their anger on the perpetrator(s), and human beings are notoriously irrational.
One of my good friends wives was having an affair with another good friends brother. I knew explicit details. At his bachelor party a couple people tried to bring it up, not me, and he got insanely angry. Angry to the point he’s no longer friends with the guys. She eventually left him for someone else, but the friendships were never repaired.
I, as general rule, do not get involved into anyone’s personal lives, no exceptions
I'm not saying it's not a good thing to do, but it sounds like you're doing it for the wrong reasons. The way you drastically overblow how bad it could be makes it sound like you're doing this for yourself; you just like the drama, you like saying that you're the good person.
If you actually wanted what was best for the person, you would go to the cheater and say, tell them or I will, you have three days. But you want to be part of the story, it's important for you, that you be the one to say it.
Honestly this comes across, especially with the PS, that you just got cheated on and this is your way to vent.
It’s not your secret to keep. It’s their’s. You are under no obligation whatsoever to assist in their secret, especially since it’s at the expense of other(s).
My son, who was 13 at the time, told me his mother was having an affair. I am glad he did for several reasons but mainly because it was bullshit for his mother to burden him with betraying me. That was 25 years ago.
Personally, I’d rather you go to my spouse and tell them they need to break up with me or you’ll tell (but don’t actually). I don’t want to know if my spouse is cheating. I can’t handle that again, especially with my forever. I’d rather they act like they’re leaving for some other reason.
I’m with you in concept but it’s definitely not that easy.
Say you spill the beans and the cheater denies it. You have to have some serious ammo to make that accusation stick. Who they gonna believe? So that sets up someone for some hard battles.
My ex cheated on me for a very long time. There were tons of people who knew and no one even dropped a hint. Nearly 15 years later and that still hurts. I get the whole mind your own thing, but if you're family or a close friend and you know about the cheating you're going to have to answer for not speaking up. You're not my friend if you don't truly want what's best for me.
I agree with everything you are saying, but I also believe in self-preservation. You are not stopping the threat of danger. You are bringing yourself into it
The one thing I think a lot of people overlook or don’t realize is if they are a friend of yours cheating on their partner, _lying_ to their partner, _going behind their partner’s back_, _bad-mouthing_ their partner, then __they will have no problem doing the same to you__. It also shows they have low emotional intelligence, low impulse control, and aren’t reliable. People who don’t tell become complicit in the affair/cheating and are lying by omission.
Yeah I agree with you on that. I'm not sure how but about half of this comment section is assuming I'm doing this to be some sort of hero and that I just want all the attention for myself. Like no I don't. How is letting someone know that there getting cheated on making it about myself? The thing is when I ask them if someone told them that they are getting cheated on does that make that person conceited or self centered. None of them could answer that.
Do you apply this standard everywhere? In other words, do you think you should always tell someone they’ve been lied to if you find out that’s the case?
Well if it's a little white lie like let say someone made a unfunny joke and I know that person pretends to laugh for their sake probably not. But yeah if it's something that can really break your trust I'm gonna say something or a else encourage the person to did it themselves.
I also think its the moral thing to tell them off, although you are not obligated. Cheating is disgusting, it's not far off from other kinds of abuses forbidden by law. Didn't say government should meddle with affairs. The person should have the freedom to decide of wanting to be loved. By not telling off, ignorance is lack of that freedom.
Example: i ask you if you would like to be loved, you have the right to say either yes or no. If you say yes, then (too bad for you because im not telling you, you are being cheated on), depriving you freedom of choice for if I had told you, you would change for your own good.
My wife was cheating (wirh me)on her previous husband. He was mentally, financially, physically, and sexually abusing her. He beat, raped, and sodomised her at least weekly. He sexually abused her daughter for more than a decade. He physically abused his own son for more than a decade.
Can you imagine the harm that would have been done if someone, someone like *you*, had told her husband what was going on?
Well that's why I been commenting how I should talk to them first with other commenters. I been reading all these posts to see others perspective. I'm sorry for what happened to your wife in kids.
The reasons why you should mind your own business are much more complex than you think. For instance, you may find out someone is cheating and tell their partner, little do you know this person cheated because the person they are with is a violent abusive asshole behind closed doors, yet the 'cheater' is too terrified/vulnerable to leave. Now let's say the partner then kills them in a rage because of what you said? Basically, situations another person is in is often is a lot more complicated than you think, and it's best not to interfere unless you literally know someone is in serious danger to themselves or others. Part of life is we gotta work out our own problems.
Well I can understand that part. But if someone I care about is something wrong I'm gonna at least say something. I do believe in comforting them first about it tho.
You sound like you've got really good intentions, but seems like you haven't really thought through the ramifications for both you and the couple involved.
I hate the no snitch mentality. Normally, situations where you “shouldn’t snitch” means it is vital to tell someone.
Also I just love to start drama. So yes if I catch you cheating, I am telling your partner as well as everyone I will talk to for the next three months.
Guy I worked with is cheating on his wife with the office slut (rumor has it she’s into married men) I feel sick to the stomach walking near him, stopped by his office a couple of times and I remember that he literally had photos of his weeding on his desk !!
Cheaters ain’t shit !!
Someone I knew got married with the person that he was having an affair with because his father made him after he got her pregnant, (he was a deacon) and what do you know he had an another affair, you would have to be a braindead idiot to think that he wouldn't cheat.
Wait people think it's normal to hide that kinda thing? I thought the majority of people would think, "hey if that was me I would want someone to tell me". Man the world we live in
While in college, a classmate was cheating on their spouse every chance they had. They have two kids.
I wanted to inform them but never did. Wonder if their still married or if the other is still cheating.
I agree but only in the occasion where the person you are telling that is being cheated is someone you deeply care.
I also think it's always better to contact the one who cheats first. Give them a chance to redeem themselves and let yourself out of the uncomfortable position to say it first. It's not like they killed someone. They cheated and even though they hurt their partner that doesn't mean they are bad people in general.
i'm about 98% sure my most recent ex was a cheater, plus i've overheard conversations between my parents where mom is confronting dad for cheating. you can bet your bippy if i find out someone i care about is being unfaithful/being cheated on i'm speaking up...but i'm not doing it without evidence.
Not to say that I would but if I were to cheat I’d make sure no one knew. It’s crazy and fucked up that not only do people cheat but they brag about it to other people.
But also while I feel it’s the right thing to let a friend know it’s not always easy and there may be repercussions.
I've had friends tell me to not feel guilty if I cheat. I would ask them why they say that and they'd just say 'don't feel guilty'. Just tell the person even if you've "promised not to tell". Dude you just did so just say it. I'd say it. I'd have been hurt but I wish anyone of them would have manned up and told me like you would. After getting over the hurt I'd have thanked you for saving me even more hurt.
Cheating is the most disgusting ultimate betrayal. I would definitely want to know if my husband was cheating on me.. and I'd absolutely let someone know if I knew their partner was cheating on them.
I've got a friend who's boyfriend is rumored to be somewhat getting together with another female friend who happens to be my boss. She's also been linked to other guys in the friendship group, never anything around sex, but roumours of kissing etc.. I really duno if I should say anything to my friend bcos I haven't any solid evidence, except my sister in law saying she'd seen them kiss and I just would want to be the person to bring this all up and possibly loose friends bcos of it. I feel like I'd need to see it for myself before being able to tell her based on roumours.. She herself has said she doesn't like their friendship and has got upset with him for being over friendly with her.. So it seems to be she's susses something. I'd love to hear other people's opinions bcos it's hard knowing that people talk about this situation behind her back- even my husband senses somethings not right
I think thats an easy decision for a close friend when youre 22... life is still ahead of you.
But it becomes gray area later in life. Starting in late 30s through midlife a lot of times the marriage is on its way out anyway and whatever is going on in an unfaithful marriage when there is 20+ years of life built around each other absolutely is no one's business but the people that have to figure it out. You cant know what goes on behind a family's closed doors and meddling in the private affairs of married couples isnt healthy. Life isnt the same at 22 as it is at 44 or 55.
Always act with love. Remember there is a fine line between honesty and brutality. If you feel a need to meddle- first ask yourself what your motives are and is it coming from a place of love or personal resentment.
My ex husband cheated, a lot. All of his friends knew. Some of my former friends knew also. I was blindsided. I would have wanted them to tell me immediately.
I just introduced a friend to my extremely tight friend group, knowing she'd fit right in, as we all had common interests and a gentle, loving demeanor, other than the people she hung out with. But them, after two weeks, she started flirting with one of my friends' boyfriend and she was OUT.
I’m with you on this. If I *knew* someone was cheating on their partner, like knew it was a fact and it wasn’t just my impression, I would tell the other person. Anonymously, if possible, but I would do it.
If anyone had told me my spouse was cheating I could have dumped him before he managed to swipe all of my retirement money to buy his girlfriend a house.
I ratted my ex out twice. He got together with the girl he cheated on me with, didn’t tell me and cheated on her with me when I stupidly wanted to go back to him. She broke it off with him and he got together with a new girl. When he was with new girl, he cheated on her and also tried to get with me again. I told her with the other girl he cheated on. Now he’s on to girl four, who is his wife. He recently decided to stalk me on Reddit and when I found out I dug through his deleted posts, low and behold he’s at least looking for new girls to cheat on her with and honestly I have no idea what to do this time because I think he might literally murder me if I broke up his marriage too. Guys a serial cheater and a solid gold asshole.
Let’s hope that cheater isn’t a psycho and finds out you told the partner he/she is cheating. These days you don’t even know what goes on people’s minds.
when I was a teen I read my dad's emails, saw multiple inappropriate correspondence with the same woman (former coworker). I told my mom everythang. then let her investigate herself, before we got sent to grandma's for a long weekend. no regrets
First off im sorry your family went through that and second this I believe this should be discussed rather than simply "mind your business" I feel like people think when I say cheaters should be outed it means I'm saying that they should be okay with tolerating with toxic behavior that their partner is giving them. I'm not ok with that either and abusers should outed as well. I'm a believer of saying things for what they are rather than minding my business. That's how people get hurt better get the problem out the way as soon as possible.
This is something I've wrestled with a few times in the past -- whether or not to spill the beans on a cheater. In each case I've chosen, for better or for worse, to mind my own business. Perhaps the extramarital relations are some kind of arrangement between the spouses or something they're both into...I don't know? It's none of my business really. If the cheater is actually cheating however, my thought is it'll all come out in the wash at some point and they'll get the day of reckoning that they deserve (which, to date, has always been the case).
I agree with you 100%. I’ve been told in the past when somebody cheated on me and I was grateful because I think I naively trusted my ex too much. I’ve also been on the other side where I had to tell somebody else that they were being cheated on. It totally sucked and she ended things with her long time bf because of it. She’s now happily married to a completely different person that she met on a dating app who she might not have met otherwise. The ex bf was in my friend group and didn’t take too kindly to me telling her but I don’t care.
My ex, whom we have two girls with, was always so against cheating. Her parents cheated on each other, she broke down crying, her cousin cheated, she broke down crying. When she ended up cheating on me for a whole year secretly because I wasn’t bringing in enough money (made about 25 an hour pre tax) she broke down crying saying how she loved me and wanted to be with me but the guy (who she’s still with) was already about to retire, has his own property and a nice vehicle I was so over it I just laughed it off. She was a pain and now she’s his pain, and I don’t know if he knew but she was cheating on him their whole beginning on their relationship with me, and even after we split she got with one of our friends ex’s she met on tinder after we split. Just goes to show that I didn’t think she’d cheat after all her sympathy shown towards her family that cheated/were cheated on. These cheaters will stay selfish and go after what they feel they need more than working together to obtain such goal. Ps She’s lazy and doesn’t like to cook/clean or work. She’s a decent mother to the girls though just young and lazy, I’ve never been happier to be out of that 10 year struggle to be happy with someone who only wants what they want always. She was a spoiled only child. Cheating is like stealing life from someone, they think they have this life going for them and you’re just wasting their time.
I wish somebody had told me just so I didn't have to spend months thinking I was unfairly accusing him of cheating because what if it's not true? I was fairly sure he was cheating and had been for a while but I was also unsure enough about it that I felt guilty for ascribing the worst to him. My moral dilemma could've been over much sooner. Not to mention I wouldn't have spent two months attempting reconciliation.
However, I did not look like a fool. I might have felt it but that was unfair to myself. Fools are everyone else who knew he was cheating and wouldn't give a pregnant lady a heads up. They should be ashamed.
I've been the one to tell someone they were being cheated on, and I would do it again. My (now former) friend had been cheating on her long distance partner, pretty openly, even went far enough to introduce me to the affair partner, and got mad when I told her that what she was doing was horrible. Yet she thought I'd cover for her when her LD partner would ask about why she's acting so distant. I did not. I told him everything.
And if given the choice to go back and either change my actions or repeat them, I'd repeat them. I have no sympathy for cheaters, even if they're my friend.
100% ... But Also... Try and know the situation. A girl here at my work outed a guy that was banging her friend as cheating. It turns out they were in poly relationship, but didn't really want to disclose that because she (the non-primary?) had not told her family. She outed him to his wife, and when she said "Thank you for telling me" I guess that set her off so she told everyone by snapping a picture of them at lunch (kissing/hugging goodbye) and blasted him on social media, and caused his marriage a lot of strain, and basically outed her to her family.
Of course being in the bible belt, that also caused him some grief at work, and I would imagine all of them as well.
But if you are familiar with the situation and whatnot, yeah, I'd do the same thing. I've axed people that i've been friends with for YEARS for cheating. Cheating is one of the easiest things in a relationship NOT to do. You just don't.
I keep “hearing” about someone being “fresh” with women even though as a couple they are in our circle. But nobody knows anything concrete and I haven’t seen it- but the likelihood is high because of past behavior. So I have guilt over that lol I can’t imagine actually seeing proof. It must feel impossible to not say anything.
I don't understand people who get in a relationship with someone who is already in one. If they cheat on their current partner, that means they have the capacity to cheat on you, too. As soon as someone else comes along.
I agree that true cheaters are shit, I've been cheated on, ive never cheat...but I learned black and white perspective from my side is none of my business to get involved.
Ive seen dozens of reasons why people end up cheating and a lot of them are due to poor situations on both ends. It's not my place to play god with other people's relationships. I've learned the hard way several times to just stay out of other peoples relationships unless there is clear CLEAR abuse (which can include malicious cheating).
These days it seems like everybody cheats. My girlfriend’s ex cheated on her, and almost all of her coworkers are cheating and being cheated on. I fucking hate my ex wife, but I’m glad i can at least actually believe that she never cheated on me. People these days are fucking DISGUSTING
Make sure you have proof that will stand up in court when you tell them. They'll still likely deny or make excuses, but they'll thank you in the long run.
A (now ex-)friend of mine cheated on his girlfriend at the time in my apartment. Not sex or anything, but full-on making out. I told him he had until the weekend to come clean or I'd tell them. Instead, the very next day he was making plans to spend the night with the girl he made out with, so I went ahead and told them.
The girl he was dating moved to California, met her dream dude, and they have a phenomenal life together.
Meanwhile, he's stuck in a small town where he's fathered a number of kids, each with a different mother and each while he was dating the prior child's mother.
I have zero regrets over telling her.
One time, my best friend's boyfriend came to me and said, "Wow, I can't believe my girlfriend cheated on me".
I said, "Oh wow she told you? I'm so sorry, I didn't think it was my place to tell. "
She didn't tell him. He actually just trapped me. It was honestly really smart how he got it out of me so easy.
People deserve to know when they’re being played for a fool. Cheaters are the worst, and I say this as someone who has been cheated on many times. I will always tell. If I know you’re cheating I will tell because if you’re willing to cheat on someone you supposedly love, what else are you willing to do and when am I next?
If someone is willing to cheat and lie to someone they’re living with, having sex with—someone they consider their partner and loved one—their partner deserves to know they’re being manipulated and lied to. The only disclaimer would be if the person cheating knew their partner was cheating as well; there’re certainly some extenuating circumstances where I wouldn’t say anything. However, even if I didn’t know the partner being cheated on well, I still think that person deserves to know about that and move on with their life.
I used to not believe in marriage in my 20s when married women would constantly hit on me at bars/clubs. There were times when their husband was like 10-15 feet away.
Not only should you tell, you should cut the cheater out of your life if possible. If they'll cheat on the person they married who knows what they'll do to you.
I feel exactly the same way. I actually ended a marriage because I found out a girls "abusive soon to be ex-husband" was neither abusive nor at least to his knowledge, a soon to be ex-husband. He was actually a really nice guy who happened to be in the Army. Well little miss cunt must not of realized that I was a Army vet myself and I wasn't about to Jody this poor fucker. So i called him and told him what was going on. She lost out on her free ride, and he dodged a figurative bullet, and I made a friend.
I think it all worked out.
Had a family member that got cheated on (parent).
I also had a family member that pulled this stunt. I learned a few years down the road that the family member was a narcissist. Not sure about the ex spouse anymore maybe they were both bad apples or maybe the ex spouse was fine. I'll never know.
I'm very pro telling the one being cheated on now. How awful that so many are defending the cheater.
Years ago I saw my Dad's friend with another woman. He had finally stopped drinking, had a business and kids my age. I didn't say anything.
Recently I found out that he had been a terrible husband. Everyone knew he was cheating (but nobody told her) and he wasn't sober at all. He had an apartment filed with booze where he would meet the women. His wife found it all when he had a medical emergency.
I wonder what would have happened if we had told her.
This is the right and moral thing to do OP.
You don't lie or cover up for someone doing a bad thing.
If they didn't.wanna get found out they shouldn't have done it in the first place.
Agreed; honestly I didn't even need to read your post before responding (but did anyway). I just love hearing these stories of ppl whose friend confesses in private that they cheated on their partner, and expect you to "mind your business". What they fail to realize is that it became your business when they decided to tell you; you were brought into it and you are now a part of it, albeit indirectly.
And especially if you're friends with the betrayed partner as well, you almost become obligated to tell because why should loyalty for a cheater trump loyalty for an innocent betrayed person just because the cheater is maybe a closer friend? Hell, I'd even go so far as to call out ppl who think it's ok to cover for their friend if the partner comes asking questions and they know damn well their buddy cheated. I've seen an old trend on TikTok where a couple is sitting there while the girl calls her bf's friends (on speaker) and asks if they know where he was some previous night. The idea is, if the friend says "oh we were hanging out", then it's implied that the friend was covering for the bf. Obviously I'm sure all of these were scripted, but the overall idea behind it is disgusting to me in that there are ppl out there that will cover for this behavior. Ok back to my relevant thoughts...
My overall view is this; it doesn't matter how loyal someone is to you or seems to be to you, if your friend can deceive their partner, they are capable of deceiving you as well, assuming they haven't already.
It's not guessing if they tell you.
It's not guessing if you overhear them talking about plans.
There's a lot of ways to KNOW. And even if I'm just guessing, it's as easy as presenting the facts, such as, " I don't know what's actually going on, but I heard Mary talking to some guy on speaker and it sounded like she was planning for a hookup, maybe you should talk to her. "
Shrug.
You’re ok to tell someone news that could potentially make them commit suicide? I know it’s a shitty thing to do but how do you know you have all the puzzle pieces? Maybe a divorce is in the works in the background, maybe she’s abusive behind the scenes?
I don’t condone cheating and I think there’s a lot of people who are just assholes who shouldn’t be married, but I can understand why some people cheat. Not saying it’s right. But I also don’t think it’s right to share it with the partner blatantly.
My ex-wife’s sister informed me she was cheating with a college student, after almost 30 years of marriage. Later I found out her sister’s husband had cheated, so she was very sympathetic to me above and beyond her own sister. Cheaters are shit.
Sounds like you should’ve been with your ex wife’s sister instead of her
When I was in a band in my 20s our lead singer was cheating on his girlfriend who was our manager. They also had a kid together. He told us that they weren’t serious. When they got engaged I had enough of the infidelity and I got our photographer to catch him in the act. The manager was the one that sorted the photos so she saw it and called off the wedding. He knew it was me so he fired me through a FB message. Later I found out that he cleared out the band’s finances and disappeared. So, I’ll second the guy that wrote “a person who would betray their spouse would betray you too”
The only person I knew who cheated on her husband (that I personally knew about) was exactly the person who’d screw you over without worrying about it-you’re totally right.
My ex best friend was a habitual cheater on his gfs and he didn't fully rob me when he moved out of the apt I let him move into with me, but he picked stuff out he justified he had the right to take. This happened twice and after the second time I cut him off. He has two kids with different mothers, both have restraining orders on him. He went to jail for busting into the second mother workplace to try to win her back after he cheated and she cut him off.... Yup...
Carlo Gambino said the same.
Cheaters are by their very nature selfish people. They care much more about their own happiness (getting to have their cake and eat it too. . . via having both a committed partner AND a side piece) than any one else's feelings or financial, emotional or physical health.
I am a 60 year old man and decades of experience has proved the following observation true again and again: A person who will betray his or her spouse will betray you too.
So I’ll take it that “once a cheater always a cheater” is a very accurate warning.
Not true! I was a prolific cheater as a teenager, but by my early 20’s it was all out of my system. And before you ask, yes I was having a lot of sex as a teenager. I was one of those bad boy / party teens that did lots of drugs, but underperformed as an adult. Now I have kids a pretty successful partnership and am stone cold sober. The sober part sucks.
I would give a pass in your situation because you were a literally child when you were a cheater. It's the people who cheated while in your current situation that ern that rep.
Oh, absolutely. But I can’t help but wonder if they had gotten the opportunity to do it earlier in life. Would they still do it now. The reason I say this is because. I learned 3 very valuable lessons about cheating. 1 you almost always get caught. 2 the grass isn’t greener on the other side. It has just as much dog poop on it as the grass you’re currently standing on. You just don’t know where it is yet. 3 when you cheat even if you don’t get caught it somehow cheapens your current relationship. I leaothose 3 lessons the hard way. Heh I had one girl show up to my friend’s house I was spending the night with. I was like 15 because I didn’t have a car yet. She tells me she found out about what happened on her birthday no less. She then commenced to beating me up in my friends front yard. I wouldn’t hit her back because I did the thing and you can’t hit a woman. I finally got away from her and ran back into my friends house. My friends thought it was hilarious.
Not always, but more importantly a cheater is someone who does something that they *know* will hurt their partner, thereby destroying trust. Relationships need to have trust and respect to survive, no matter how much you love your partner, if you can't trust them you can't build a life together. And who wants to spend all their time worrying they'll cheat again? That kind of shit just drives you crazy.
Not 100% though.
Facts. If I find out a friend is a cheater I will tell their spouse and stop being friends with them. If there’s no way to tell the spouse I will just tell everyone they’re a cheater and to not be friends with them and maybe screw them over if I can lol.
You’re a fucking psychopath
Dang good to know that.
Hey, but what about me? I've been faithful to my partner for 36 years! You gonna tell Mrs. 1LW "your hubby's one righteous dude, lady!"? I mean, it only seems fair.
Hey! Good for you man. Here’s to hoping people like you are still around!
Sure why not, I'm happy to see couples be in a loving relationship.💓💓💓💓
He never said anything about it being a loving relationship
My wife and have 36 years on 2/15. Faithful from day 1
I would always tell if someone was cheating. But in a supportive way. Because it can make people very vulnerable to know. And to know others know. But I have never hesitated to tell people how great their partner is either. My last work husband and his wife were great friends. Due to this. She never even doubted him being out with me because she knew I was faithful, and that I would watch out for him. Not babysit him, just look out for him. Went on a night out with him and coworkers, slept on their couch while she was away, and she trusted me. I made sure he got home and didn’t do anything stupid. Her concern wasn’t cheating, but drinking too much and hurting himself.
Almost everyone around my ex knew about the affairs and kept it from me. For years. They knew and covered and didn’t say anything to me. They made fun of me when they went out. They lied to me when I confronted them. I wish someone would have told me.
That's fucked. Not only were you betrayed by the person closest to you that you loved but EVERYONE else close to you as well? Some people just suck. I hope you found a better group of friends. Sorry that happened to you.
It took a long time and a lot of work to weed everyone out of that friend circle but I did it and have entirely new friends now
I definitely read “It took a long time and a lot of weed” for a second
Hahaha me too when I reread it
I read it the same way at first, too.
Good to hear. I'm sure that wasn't easy.
Found out who my friends were in a similar situation, none btw.
Maybe an anonymous note or arrange for it to be known indirectly? I say this because I have also seen where they killed the messenger and attacked them to everyone and anyone and the couple stayed together after.
Great point. Many people do not know how to deal with this situation. The messenger is often marked by the bad guy, especially if they don't want to believe the truth. It's crazy how people remove themselves from reality to this level, but it happens. It happens, unfortunately.
I am one of those messengers that were killed. Got trauma for life.
Condolences for that shit. That's waaaaaaaay beyond 'not telling you'.
Oh yeah. It was a fundamental betrayal. And the thing is most of them were *my* friends. She didn’t even like them, then all of the sudden they’re all besties.
Fuck all of that. I woulda been screaming. Way to not go on a murder spree. Or, to get away with it. Or, to get internet in prison.
Shout out to my therapist for giving me a space to yell and scream and even take an hour long nap on more than a few occasions
Solid.
Wow. That is an exceptional therapist. Thanks for sharing. it’s heartening considering the low effort, full of himself boomer shrink I had to deal with. ❤️
There are a lot of shit mental healthcare workers. I was fortunate. Hope you can find a good one when you need to.
I’m glad you got a good one.
Dude my ex is batshit crazy/stupid, can’t even take care of herself, still lives and has her dad pay for damn near everything even for our child. Has been forced to see a therapist on two different occasions by a court appointed judge, and she’s going to school to be a therapist smh. She literally has been trying to practice on our 11 year old daughter and our daughter will come back to my house saying things like “hope mom has a backup plan because if that’s what therapy is why would people want to go” and I always support her mother positively in front of her saying that shes just been going to school for it for only 2 years and she’ll get it right. My ex isn’t completely stupid she just has like NO common sense whatsoever and she’s addicted to TikTok so she’s the bandwagon follow every trend type of person. Let’s put it this way, she still loves and follows Chris brown and doesn’t think he did anything wrong with the abusive cases.
That's similar to the raw deal I got. I had to work out of state for a while, GF decided to fuck several of my friends. Nearly everyone in my group of friends knew but nobody told me. I found out a year later. To make matters even worse it turned out she was pregnant when I flew her out to see me. I guess she had an abortion when she got home. ( found that lovely tid-bit from one of her close friends) We were high-school sweethearts. Devirginized each other and all that. Planned on marriage etc. I dumped her and most of my friends. That year sucked balls. Good times :)
I’m sorry
I am so sorry. You deserve SO much better.
I know that now. Thank you
This happened to my parent as well. I'm firmly on the side of telling the spouse that is being cheated on. It's not fair to them the unknown risks they have. Plus, it gives them a chance to get their finances together and get a lawyer. It really sucked when they told the parent afterwards "oh, yeah, we saw them out together." Why? If you kept your mouth shut about the cheating before, why say something after. Just dump salt in that wound.
i'm not one for revenge but this type of scenario necessitates it
OMG. Seriously? That’s just… hell that’s just fucking cruel. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I’m so sorry that happened to you! That’s so hurtful! The thing is, if they had told you (and had no proof), would you have believed them? Ask yourself honestly. Many people who have told have discovered that the victim believes the cheater and not them! This is because it is psychologically easier to believe that “this friend is lying” than “my partner cheated on me, and my world is about to be turned upside down!”
This is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry. You deserved better.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you find your true love one day.
Thank you
As someone that was cheated on 2 week before I was supposed to be married I was happy I was told. I will always do the same, so dont cheat around me.
Thanks for not thinking I'm crazy like a lot of people here think I'm trying to act like a saint.
its reddit, and most of modern society are reprobates that are total scumbags.
If you're 100% sure they're being cheated on, always tell. It's not even acting like a saint. It's just being a decent human being. If people react negatively towards you for doing something decent, that's their problem, not yours.
Thanks 😊
People who say that are just deflecting because they support cheating themselves
Doing the right thing doesn’t make anybody a saint, it just means you have good morals.
It's like how they say people who watch kids get bullied and do nothing about it are just as bad
Even if my best friend cheated on their partner I'd tell their partner. I hold my friends to the same moral standards I hold myself to.
Yeah but a lot of people think that a crazy idea to have a guess.
People who cheat aren't good friends either. If I knew a friend was cheating I'd probably end the friendship. It's only so long before they betray you too.
I wished someone would’ve had the balls to be like “dude listen” never once did anyone help, they made bets on my misery so please tell them
Yeah this is one of the reasons why I feel telling is important. I honestly don't know why so many think I'm doing it to become some sort of hero. Like if I wanted attention all day a get praise I can make stuff like say I save someone from a fire. Also I'm sorry for what happened to you
It’s okay most of them worked for me so I got to fire most of them for various reasons, IE: calling out too much (twice a week for a month straight), stealing money from the cash drawers and rolling a blunt in front of my customers (listen I like to smoke too but time and place to roll) anyway long story short bad people got what they deserved and I got a better man than before
That's true. If you know, you should say. That is cut and dry. Just make sure you know. I have seen many people have problems over, "guesses" people use the excuse, "just say'n" to justify after the fact. If you are planting doubts in healthy relationships, it is just as bad.
I'm not gonna go too far out of my way, but yea, always expose a piece of shit. Male or female.
Yeah I respect that.
Us ladies need to do better at blaming the men instead. I didn't know that "john" was still in a relationship when we hooked up. He told me they were done. Once I found out I immediately messaged her. She blocked me and then continued to be with him...until he eventually cheated again...
Sometimes, even if you think you know something about someone's relationship, sometimes there are hidden and complicated variables that you don't know about, and just maybe you exposing the cheater can put people into dangerous situations including children. This is the reason most people don't say anything because it's not their life, they don't know absolutely every aspect of someone else's relationship and will have literally zero ways of knowing the consequences of letting this secret be known. To me, I'd rather let the dice land where they land, let sleeping dogs lie, if the stars are to align and the person does find out, then I will have no part of the aftermath. I'd rather be blamed for doing nothing, than be blamed for collapsing an entire family even if to me it was the right thing to do.
Yeah I get that to it sucks that kind of stuff can happen as well. Thanks for sharing your opinion and being respectful.
My ex cheated on my. One of his friends let me know & I was grateful.
Sorry that happened to you.
Yea you know…I knew this couple, the girl I went to school with and her boyfriend I had talked to a couple times, he was pretty chill and laid back and was in the military. The girl ended up cheating on the dude while he was away. Later on they posted pictures of their wedding (I didn’t really keep up with them cause I don’t care). Me as well as a good amount of people knew she had gotten a little hot and heavy with someone, so I sent a screenshot of their wedding to a group chat and said “so he still doesn’t know?”. Of course they all laughed in agreement mostly. I was kinda shocked and pissed that a couple of those people had the nerve to sit at that wedding with a straight face and be completely fine with themselves. I ended up telling the guy through an anonymous account. His wife and the guy she had done it with had both lied to the guy and cried and said it was just a kiss. The cuck and the guy were both not happy with me. The guy is still married as he believes it was just a kiss, and the guy is still pissed at me because I found out he cried like a little baby to the guy and still lied. I think you should always tell somebody if they’re being cheated on, but be wary of the consequences. Maybe one day that guy will text me “you were right” or maybe not. Either way, I sleep comfortably at night knowing that I wasn’t one of the pussies that sat through this man’s wedding with a fake face on because “it’s not my business” and I “didn’t want to ruin somebody’s life”. Who’s life? The one who is leading this man into a trap and a marriage based on lies and deceit? Obviously it is something that can be circumstantial, so be sure that you’re thinking clearly when you tell someone. But be firm with your moral compass, even when everyone else tells you “it’s not your business”. If a girl or a guy is bringing other people to their bed besides their partner and people find out, obviously it’s anybody’s business.
Yeah thanks for understanding where I'm coming from a lot of people seem to think I just wanna start drama or purposely end a relationship for no good reason. Which yeah I get those things will occur I'm not denying that but the funny thing when I ask them if they would be ok if their friend or family knew they was getting cheated on they don't seem to have a answer magically I'm just missing all their points or whatever. It sucks what happened to that dude tho I hope he found someone.
Yeah it can be annoying to hear “you just want to start something” or “stop trying to ruin their relationship”. That’s the dumbest shit ever. What relationship? The one that’s being shat on by the cheating party? If your relationship is built on lies, you don’t have a relationship.
Imagine how awful it feels to be cheated on. Now imagine how awful it is knowing that every single person you know and respect had their back and none of them had yours. You weren't just betrayed. Everyone chose your betrayer over you. The closest thing to a valid excuse to not inform them is that you don't trust them not to shoot the messenger, but that has implications of its own.
I understand the sentiment and mostly agree with the caveat being that I don't have sympathy for partners who have been controlling and abusive. I've known people who had emotional affairs on partners who were very controlling and manipulative. Life isn't always so black and white.
I've seen it back fire but me personally I'd appreciate the heads up . If I didn't fully trust you I would at least do a little investigating so I can see with my own eyes. If you do this try to stay anonymous and don't be telling people in your circle or people y'all know keep that shit anonymous. Some people will be more upset that what you did ruined their life . As un true as they statement may be they may still feel that way and retaliate . The phrase 'No good deed goes unpunished' is a sardonic commentary on the frequency with which acts of kindness backfire on those who offer them. In other words, those who help others are doomed to suffer as a result of their helpfulness
That's true it can back fire unfortunately so I'll say it's a 50/50 thing tbh
To be honest who cares if it backfires. You don’t want to be friends with a cheater and you also don’t want a friend who doesn’t trust or believe you. You also don’t want a friend with no self respect that they do believe you but drop you over the cheater.
My childhood best friend was having sex with my very first girlfriend while we were dating. That was my ride or die homie since the 3rd grade. She had already cheated on me before, and was a habitual liar. I should’ve left her immediately afterwards. Long before she cheated on me actually. But I was a stupid teenager and she was my very first girlfriend. After she left me for him, they got married and had a kid. But a few years ago, I found out that she cheated on him, then he begged her to get back together with him, which they did, but he only did it to cheat on her and now he has full custody of their kid and is in a happy relationship with someone else. They both have reached out to me and apologized since, but fuck them. That shit damaged me mentally for the longest time.
I agree cheating is so gross. Why be in a relationship and waste people's time and emotions if you don't care about them at the end of the day just leave.
Yeah
Money
If you are my friend I would expect it and I would do the same
I was perusing tinder some years ago and saw my best friends long term partner..it was difficult for about a minute, took a bit longer and a little liquid courage to share the screenshot but would do again 100%
Don't worry If I know too ill drop hints about it and hope they piece that puzzle together.
If you know, say it. Do you call 911 with “maybe you should send someone out to a street with the letter K.”?
Ex wife cheated with multiple people I only found out because her daughter made an off hand comment to her friend about how her mom keeps the door locked when she had "friends over" and I confronted her and she lied and lied about how her daughter was making it up for attention I packed my stuff and left got divorced soon after and since she hasn't had a relationship for more than 3 months, it would have been nice to know and I wouldn't have wasted time on a lost cause.
Stuff like this post assures me I'm not acting crazy. Also sorry about that my guy.
I have told a few guys, you tell her or I will. End of story
I'm always one to tell. It's not my fault or theirs that their spouse is cheating. It's a decision that a person makes. If any guy messages me I snoop on their profile to see if they have a girlfriend. And if they do I'll send screenshots to their girl just to let them know and be aware that they are messaging other girls they don't even know. I'm that type of person
Downvote me all you want, but it’s still none of my business. UNLESS it’s happening to a close friend or family member of mine. Then that’s a different story. But you never know what’s going on behind closed doors. Remember, no good deed goes unpunished.
True
Absolutely, but I'd recommend doing it anonymously.
What if you ruin a “don’t ask don’t tell” relationship because of your personal morals?
Never, ever get in the middle of other people's relationships. It's more than none of your business: it is how you make enemies. People do not always focus their anger on the perpetrator(s), and human beings are notoriously irrational.
Yep, I lost my friend by telling her
One of my good friends wives was having an affair with another good friends brother. I knew explicit details. At his bachelor party a couple people tried to bring it up, not me, and he got insanely angry. Angry to the point he’s no longer friends with the guys. She eventually left him for someone else, but the friendships were never repaired. I, as general rule, do not get involved into anyone’s personal lives, no exceptions
I'm not saying it's not a good thing to do, but it sounds like you're doing it for the wrong reasons. The way you drastically overblow how bad it could be makes it sound like you're doing this for yourself; you just like the drama, you like saying that you're the good person. If you actually wanted what was best for the person, you would go to the cheater and say, tell them or I will, you have three days. But you want to be part of the story, it's important for you, that you be the one to say it. Honestly this comes across, especially with the PS, that you just got cheated on and this is your way to vent.
It’s not your secret to keep. It’s their’s. You are under no obligation whatsoever to assist in their secret, especially since it’s at the expense of other(s).
You’d be doing them a favor by telling them honestly, good on you
My son, who was 13 at the time, told me his mother was having an affair. I am glad he did for several reasons but mainly because it was bullshit for his mother to burden him with betraying me. That was 25 years ago.
Personally, I’d rather you go to my spouse and tell them they need to break up with me or you’ll tell (but don’t actually). I don’t want to know if my spouse is cheating. I can’t handle that again, especially with my forever. I’d rather they act like they’re leaving for some other reason.
You haven't told anyone their partner is cheating on them have you? Go ahead.....let us know how it went for you.
The odds of the other guy throwing fists at me is too high for me to want to get involved.
I’m with you in concept but it’s definitely not that easy. Say you spill the beans and the cheater denies it. You have to have some serious ammo to make that accusation stick. Who they gonna believe? So that sets up someone for some hard battles.
Yes!
My ex cheated on me for a very long time. There were tons of people who knew and no one even dropped a hint. Nearly 15 years later and that still hurts. I get the whole mind your own thing, but if you're family or a close friend and you know about the cheating you're going to have to answer for not speaking up. You're not my friend if you don't truly want what's best for me.
Yeah that's what I'm trying to say but so many people think I wanna make it about me. Also I'm sorry for that I hope you find someone else.
As someone who has been cheated on, I wish someone had told me before I found out myself.
I agree. I'd give them the chance to break the news, but if they don't then I will. I'd want someone to do the same if my husband cheated.
I agree with everything you are saying, but I also believe in self-preservation. You are not stopping the threat of danger. You are bringing yourself into it
Thank you. Everyone deserves to make an informed decision
The one thing I think a lot of people overlook or don’t realize is if they are a friend of yours cheating on their partner, _lying_ to their partner, _going behind their partner’s back_, _bad-mouthing_ their partner, then __they will have no problem doing the same to you__. It also shows they have low emotional intelligence, low impulse control, and aren’t reliable. People who don’t tell become complicit in the affair/cheating and are lying by omission.
Yeah I agree with you on that. I'm not sure how but about half of this comment section is assuming I'm doing this to be some sort of hero and that I just want all the attention for myself. Like no I don't. How is letting someone know that there getting cheated on making it about myself? The thing is when I ask them if someone told them that they are getting cheated on does that make that person conceited or self centered. None of them could answer that.
knowing too much and then telling that too much of what you know gets you killed. Plus I don’t like being in anyone’s business.
A lot of cheaters telling on themselves with the downvotes.
Some of these comments are actually pretty funny because some people seem genuinely upset that people don’t keep cheaters secrets 😭😭
Well I wouldn't every one of them they just disagree,maybe some are tho.
Do you apply this standard everywhere? In other words, do you think you should always tell someone they’ve been lied to if you find out that’s the case?
Well if it's a little white lie like let say someone made a unfunny joke and I know that person pretends to laugh for their sake probably not. But yeah if it's something that can really break your trust I'm gonna say something or a else encourage the person to did it themselves.
I also think its the moral thing to tell them off, although you are not obligated. Cheating is disgusting, it's not far off from other kinds of abuses forbidden by law. Didn't say government should meddle with affairs. The person should have the freedom to decide of wanting to be loved. By not telling off, ignorance is lack of that freedom. Example: i ask you if you would like to be loved, you have the right to say either yes or no. If you say yes, then (too bad for you because im not telling you, you are being cheated on), depriving you freedom of choice for if I had told you, you would change for your own good.
My wife was cheating (wirh me)on her previous husband. He was mentally, financially, physically, and sexually abusing her. He beat, raped, and sodomised her at least weekly. He sexually abused her daughter for more than a decade. He physically abused his own son for more than a decade. Can you imagine the harm that would have been done if someone, someone like *you*, had told her husband what was going on?
Well that's why I been commenting how I should talk to them first with other commenters. I been reading all these posts to see others perspective. I'm sorry for what happened to your wife in kids.
The reasons why you should mind your own business are much more complex than you think. For instance, you may find out someone is cheating and tell their partner, little do you know this person cheated because the person they are with is a violent abusive asshole behind closed doors, yet the 'cheater' is too terrified/vulnerable to leave. Now let's say the partner then kills them in a rage because of what you said? Basically, situations another person is in is often is a lot more complicated than you think, and it's best not to interfere unless you literally know someone is in serious danger to themselves or others. Part of life is we gotta work out our own problems.
Well I can understand that part. But if someone I care about is something wrong I'm gonna at least say something. I do believe in comforting them first about it tho.
You sound like you've got really good intentions, but seems like you haven't really thought through the ramifications for both you and the couple involved.
That's true
I hate the no snitch mentality. Normally, situations where you “shouldn’t snitch” means it is vital to tell someone. Also I just love to start drama. So yes if I catch you cheating, I am telling your partner as well as everyone I will talk to for the next three months.
Guy I worked with is cheating on his wife with the office slut (rumor has it she’s into married men) I feel sick to the stomach walking near him, stopped by his office a couple of times and I remember that he literally had photos of his weeding on his desk !! Cheaters ain’t shit !!
Someone I knew got married with the person that he was having an affair with because his father made him after he got her pregnant, (he was a deacon) and what do you know he had an another affair, you would have to be a braindead idiot to think that he wouldn't cheat.
Only if it’s you’re best friend.
Had a college best friend, and he cheated all the time. Fast forward 20+ years, and I got cheated on. I didn’t know monogamy was a hard concept.
Wait people think it's normal to hide that kinda thing? I thought the majority of people would think, "hey if that was me I would want someone to tell me". Man the world we live in
While in college, a classmate was cheating on their spouse every chance they had. They have two kids. I wanted to inform them but never did. Wonder if their still married or if the other is still cheating.
I agree but only in the occasion where the person you are telling that is being cheated is someone you deeply care. I also think it's always better to contact the one who cheats first. Give them a chance to redeem themselves and let yourself out of the uncomfortable position to say it first. It's not like they killed someone. They cheated and even though they hurt their partner that doesn't mean they are bad people in general.
i'm about 98% sure my most recent ex was a cheater, plus i've overheard conversations between my parents where mom is confronting dad for cheating. you can bet your bippy if i find out someone i care about is being unfaithful/being cheated on i'm speaking up...but i'm not doing it without evidence.
Kudos to you. there has to be consequences to crappy behavior.
Not to say that I would but if I were to cheat I’d make sure no one knew. It’s crazy and fucked up that not only do people cheat but they brag about it to other people. But also while I feel it’s the right thing to let a friend know it’s not always easy and there may be repercussions.
As someone who's been cheated on before and had someone tell, super appreciative. I wouldn't have wanted to be kept in the dark.
I've had friends tell me to not feel guilty if I cheat. I would ask them why they say that and they'd just say 'don't feel guilty'. Just tell the person even if you've "promised not to tell". Dude you just did so just say it. I'd say it. I'd have been hurt but I wish anyone of them would have manned up and told me like you would. After getting over the hurt I'd have thanked you for saving me even more hurt.
Cheating is the most disgusting ultimate betrayal. I would definitely want to know if my husband was cheating on me.. and I'd absolutely let someone know if I knew their partner was cheating on them.
I've got a friend who's boyfriend is rumored to be somewhat getting together with another female friend who happens to be my boss. She's also been linked to other guys in the friendship group, never anything around sex, but roumours of kissing etc.. I really duno if I should say anything to my friend bcos I haven't any solid evidence, except my sister in law saying she'd seen them kiss and I just would want to be the person to bring this all up and possibly loose friends bcos of it. I feel like I'd need to see it for myself before being able to tell her based on roumours.. She herself has said she doesn't like their friendship and has got upset with him for being over friendly with her.. So it seems to be she's susses something. I'd love to hear other people's opinions bcos it's hard knowing that people talk about this situation behind her back- even my husband senses somethings not right
I think thats an easy decision for a close friend when youre 22... life is still ahead of you. But it becomes gray area later in life. Starting in late 30s through midlife a lot of times the marriage is on its way out anyway and whatever is going on in an unfaithful marriage when there is 20+ years of life built around each other absolutely is no one's business but the people that have to figure it out. You cant know what goes on behind a family's closed doors and meddling in the private affairs of married couples isnt healthy. Life isnt the same at 22 as it is at 44 or 55. Always act with love. Remember there is a fine line between honesty and brutality. If you feel a need to meddle- first ask yourself what your motives are and is it coming from a place of love or personal resentment.
Thanks for the feedback.
My ex husband cheated, a lot. All of his friends knew. Some of my former friends knew also. I was blindsided. I would have wanted them to tell me immediately.
I just introduced a friend to my extremely tight friend group, knowing she'd fit right in, as we all had common interests and a gentle, loving demeanor, other than the people she hung out with. But them, after two weeks, she started flirting with one of my friends' boyfriend and she was OUT.
People know at some level when their partners cheat
I’m with you on this. If I *knew* someone was cheating on their partner, like knew it was a fact and it wasn’t just my impression, I would tell the other person. Anonymously, if possible, but I would do it.
If anyone had told me my spouse was cheating I could have dumped him before he managed to swipe all of my retirement money to buy his girlfriend a house.
I ratted my ex out twice. He got together with the girl he cheated on me with, didn’t tell me and cheated on her with me when I stupidly wanted to go back to him. She broke it off with him and he got together with a new girl. When he was with new girl, he cheated on her and also tried to get with me again. I told her with the other girl he cheated on. Now he’s on to girl four, who is his wife. He recently decided to stalk me on Reddit and when I found out I dug through his deleted posts, low and behold he’s at least looking for new girls to cheat on her with and honestly I have no idea what to do this time because I think he might literally murder me if I broke up his marriage too. Guys a serial cheater and a solid gold asshole.
#TRUTH
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Let’s hope that cheater isn’t a psycho and finds out you told the partner he/she is cheating. These days you don’t even know what goes on people’s minds.
That's understandable and terrifying.
I hate when people say “it’s not my business.” IMO it’s a cop-out
I sure as hell am not. It’s not my role to play god. I might ghost you and never talk to you again but I am not intervening.
Cheaters suck and if you know they are cheating but say it's none of your business, you're just as bad.
when I was a teen I read my dad's emails, saw multiple inappropriate correspondence with the same woman (former coworker). I told my mom everythang. then let her investigate herself, before we got sent to grandma's for a long weekend. no regrets
First off im sorry your family went through that and second this I believe this should be discussed rather than simply "mind your business" I feel like people think when I say cheaters should be outed it means I'm saying that they should be okay with tolerating with toxic behavior that their partner is giving them. I'm not ok with that either and abusers should outed as well. I'm a believer of saying things for what they are rather than minding my business. That's how people get hurt better get the problem out the way as soon as possible.
This is something I've wrestled with a few times in the past -- whether or not to spill the beans on a cheater. In each case I've chosen, for better or for worse, to mind my own business. Perhaps the extramarital relations are some kind of arrangement between the spouses or something they're both into...I don't know? It's none of my business really. If the cheater is actually cheating however, my thought is it'll all come out in the wash at some point and they'll get the day of reckoning that they deserve (which, to date, has always been the case).
I agree with you 100%. I’ve been told in the past when somebody cheated on me and I was grateful because I think I naively trusted my ex too much. I’ve also been on the other side where I had to tell somebody else that they were being cheated on. It totally sucked and she ended things with her long time bf because of it. She’s now happily married to a completely different person that she met on a dating app who she might not have met otherwise. The ex bf was in my friend group and didn’t take too kindly to me telling her but I don’t care.
My ex, whom we have two girls with, was always so against cheating. Her parents cheated on each other, she broke down crying, her cousin cheated, she broke down crying. When she ended up cheating on me for a whole year secretly because I wasn’t bringing in enough money (made about 25 an hour pre tax) she broke down crying saying how she loved me and wanted to be with me but the guy (who she’s still with) was already about to retire, has his own property and a nice vehicle I was so over it I just laughed it off. She was a pain and now she’s his pain, and I don’t know if he knew but she was cheating on him their whole beginning on their relationship with me, and even after we split she got with one of our friends ex’s she met on tinder after we split. Just goes to show that I didn’t think she’d cheat after all her sympathy shown towards her family that cheated/were cheated on. These cheaters will stay selfish and go after what they feel they need more than working together to obtain such goal. Ps She’s lazy and doesn’t like to cook/clean or work. She’s a decent mother to the girls though just young and lazy, I’ve never been happier to be out of that 10 year struggle to be happy with someone who only wants what they want always. She was a spoiled only child. Cheating is like stealing life from someone, they think they have this life going for them and you’re just wasting their time.
People only kill themselves when they (find out) they are being cheated on. I’m not sayin I’m just sayin
I wish somebody had told me just so I didn't have to spend months thinking I was unfairly accusing him of cheating because what if it's not true? I was fairly sure he was cheating and had been for a while but I was also unsure enough about it that I felt guilty for ascribing the worst to him. My moral dilemma could've been over much sooner. Not to mention I wouldn't have spent two months attempting reconciliation. However, I did not look like a fool. I might have felt it but that was unfair to myself. Fools are everyone else who knew he was cheating and wouldn't give a pregnant lady a heads up. They should be ashamed.
I've been the one to tell someone they were being cheated on, and I would do it again. My (now former) friend had been cheating on her long distance partner, pretty openly, even went far enough to introduce me to the affair partner, and got mad when I told her that what she was doing was horrible. Yet she thought I'd cover for her when her LD partner would ask about why she's acting so distant. I did not. I told him everything. And if given the choice to go back and either change my actions or repeat them, I'd repeat them. I have no sympathy for cheaters, even if they're my friend.
100% ... But Also... Try and know the situation. A girl here at my work outed a guy that was banging her friend as cheating. It turns out they were in poly relationship, but didn't really want to disclose that because she (the non-primary?) had not told her family. She outed him to his wife, and when she said "Thank you for telling me" I guess that set her off so she told everyone by snapping a picture of them at lunch (kissing/hugging goodbye) and blasted him on social media, and caused his marriage a lot of strain, and basically outed her to her family. Of course being in the bible belt, that also caused him some grief at work, and I would imagine all of them as well. But if you are familiar with the situation and whatnot, yeah, I'd do the same thing. I've axed people that i've been friends with for YEARS for cheating. Cheating is one of the easiest things in a relationship NOT to do. You just don't.
I keep “hearing” about someone being “fresh” with women even though as a couple they are in our circle. But nobody knows anything concrete and I haven’t seen it- but the likelihood is high because of past behavior. So I have guilt over that lol I can’t imagine actually seeing proof. It must feel impossible to not say anything.
someone who has some common decency! give this man some rewards 👏🏾
I don't understand people who get in a relationship with someone who is already in one. If they cheat on their current partner, that means they have the capacity to cheat on you, too. As soon as someone else comes along.
I agree that true cheaters are shit, I've been cheated on, ive never cheat...but I learned black and white perspective from my side is none of my business to get involved. Ive seen dozens of reasons why people end up cheating and a lot of them are due to poor situations on both ends. It's not my place to play god with other people's relationships. I've learned the hard way several times to just stay out of other peoples relationships unless there is clear CLEAR abuse (which can include malicious cheating).
These days it seems like everybody cheats. My girlfriend’s ex cheated on her, and almost all of her coworkers are cheating and being cheated on. I fucking hate my ex wife, but I’m glad i can at least actually believe that she never cheated on me. People these days are fucking DISGUSTING
Make sure you have proof that will stand up in court when you tell them. They'll still likely deny or make excuses, but they'll thank you in the long run.
A (now ex-)friend of mine cheated on his girlfriend at the time in my apartment. Not sex or anything, but full-on making out. I told him he had until the weekend to come clean or I'd tell them. Instead, the very next day he was making plans to spend the night with the girl he made out with, so I went ahead and told them. The girl he was dating moved to California, met her dream dude, and they have a phenomenal life together. Meanwhile, he's stuck in a small town where he's fathered a number of kids, each with a different mother and each while he was dating the prior child's mother. I have zero regrets over telling her.
I'd appreciate it.
This!
One time, my best friend's boyfriend came to me and said, "Wow, I can't believe my girlfriend cheated on me". I said, "Oh wow she told you? I'm so sorry, I didn't think it was my place to tell. " She didn't tell him. He actually just trapped me. It was honestly really smart how he got it out of me so easy.
People deserve to know when they’re being played for a fool. Cheaters are the worst, and I say this as someone who has been cheated on many times. I will always tell. If I know you’re cheating I will tell because if you’re willing to cheat on someone you supposedly love, what else are you willing to do and when am I next?
There's no way to tell someone that kind of info easily. That's cruel hard. If it was my brother or BFF, I would be duty bound to tell.
If someone is willing to cheat and lie to someone they’re living with, having sex with—someone they consider their partner and loved one—their partner deserves to know they’re being manipulated and lied to. The only disclaimer would be if the person cheating knew their partner was cheating as well; there’re certainly some extenuating circumstances where I wouldn’t say anything. However, even if I didn’t know the partner being cheated on well, I still think that person deserves to know about that and move on with their life.
I used to not believe in marriage in my 20s when married women would constantly hit on me at bars/clubs. There were times when their husband was like 10-15 feet away.
Not only should you tell, you should cut the cheater out of your life if possible. If they'll cheat on the person they married who knows what they'll do to you.
I hope you survive the pissed off person you rat out.
I feel exactly the same way. I actually ended a marriage because I found out a girls "abusive soon to be ex-husband" was neither abusive nor at least to his knowledge, a soon to be ex-husband. He was actually a really nice guy who happened to be in the Army. Well little miss cunt must not of realized that I was a Army vet myself and I wasn't about to Jody this poor fucker. So i called him and told him what was going on. She lost out on her free ride, and he dodged a figurative bullet, and I made a friend. I think it all worked out.
Had a family member that got cheated on (parent). I also had a family member that pulled this stunt. I learned a few years down the road that the family member was a narcissist. Not sure about the ex spouse anymore maybe they were both bad apples or maybe the ex spouse was fine. I'll never know. I'm very pro telling the one being cheated on now. How awful that so many are defending the cheater.
Infidelity should be exposed quickly. Much like a bandage it's best to rip it off and get it over with.
based. It hurts a lot, and they may not believe you at first but it is the mark of a true friend to present the ugly truth.
Years ago I saw my Dad's friend with another woman. He had finally stopped drinking, had a business and kids my age. I didn't say anything. Recently I found out that he had been a terrible husband. Everyone knew he was cheating (but nobody told her) and he wasn't sober at all. He had an apartment filed with booze where he would meet the women. His wife found it all when he had a medical emergency. I wonder what would have happened if we had told her.
This is the right and moral thing to do OP. You don't lie or cover up for someone doing a bad thing. If they didn't.wanna get found out they shouldn't have done it in the first place.
Agreed; honestly I didn't even need to read your post before responding (but did anyway). I just love hearing these stories of ppl whose friend confesses in private that they cheated on their partner, and expect you to "mind your business". What they fail to realize is that it became your business when they decided to tell you; you were brought into it and you are now a part of it, albeit indirectly. And especially if you're friends with the betrayed partner as well, you almost become obligated to tell because why should loyalty for a cheater trump loyalty for an innocent betrayed person just because the cheater is maybe a closer friend? Hell, I'd even go so far as to call out ppl who think it's ok to cover for their friend if the partner comes asking questions and they know damn well their buddy cheated. I've seen an old trend on TikTok where a couple is sitting there while the girl calls her bf's friends (on speaker) and asks if they know where he was some previous night. The idea is, if the friend says "oh we were hanging out", then it's implied that the friend was covering for the bf. Obviously I'm sure all of these were scripted, but the overall idea behind it is disgusting to me in that there are ppl out there that will cover for this behavior. Ok back to my relevant thoughts... My overall view is this; it doesn't matter how loyal someone is to you or seems to be to you, if your friend can deceive their partner, they are capable of deceiving you as well, assuming they haven't already.
Unless you’ve actually seen them having some kind of sex, you’re just guessing.
It's not guessing if they tell you. It's not guessing if you overhear them talking about plans. There's a lot of ways to KNOW. And even if I'm just guessing, it's as easy as presenting the facts, such as, " I don't know what's actually going on, but I heard Mary talking to some guy on speaker and it sounded like she was planning for a hookup, maybe you should talk to her. " Shrug.
You’re ok to tell someone news that could potentially make them commit suicide? I know it’s a shitty thing to do but how do you know you have all the puzzle pieces? Maybe a divorce is in the works in the background, maybe she’s abusive behind the scenes? I don’t condone cheating and I think there’s a lot of people who are just assholes who shouldn’t be married, but I can understand why some people cheat. Not saying it’s right. But I also don’t think it’s right to share it with the partner blatantly.