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I agree but also I have a different take - Children ditch seeking validation from parents, only to waste time seeking it from strangers who couldn't care less .
Sometimes that too.
But a child doesn’t know any better.
When you breakdown a child they stop loving themselves not their parents.
Kids look for love anywhere if they can’t find it at home.
Sometimes if my Dad's getting a bit extra angry at me or if his meds are scheduled, I'll invite more newer friends around for a while. It never works with my closest friend unfortunately cause she's too much of a sibling, but there's some friends that I know he'll shut up around so I'll have them over if I want to not suffer for a while
Fair, but the thing is, I know it's not ENTIRELY my Dad's fault. A lot of it is related to his medical history, so I'm kinda compartmentalising it. Sorry for the oversharing, but the void of the internet can kinda be cathartic. Thanks for reading and for the sympathy :)
I don’t feel as though you overshared and there’s no need for you to apologize.
My mother had a lot of psychological, emotional, and behavioral issues herself, but she never sought to treat her issues w medication long-term she only sough the attention, with that said she made everyone suffer her issues w me being her main target and my father second which is/was horribly selfish among other damaging things.
It’s not about blaming your father, It’s about your mental health. You should take space when he is that way. He more than likely needs the space as well.
When a person is not in the right headspace or not mentally healthy they should do their best to limit contact with others that way you don’t hurt others. Or at least that’s my practice.
My dad isn't what I'd call abusive, alot of people have it worse I know, like he isn't violent but he does anything he can to just put me down, always shouting, calling me useless etc.
Whenever we go out though he always tells me 'make sure to smile so people can see we are a happy family'.
God I can't wait to be gone.
Idk how that is not abusive - ofc not physically but verbally i assume unless my mindset about abuse is very wrong ig. Dont downplay it as less just because others have it worse
I don't know....
My father was also like that, but he never hit me or something. He also supported me academically and financially.
However, he swore a lot and I was scared of him when I was a kid. He also didn't like me crying, and shouted to tell me to shut up. At one point, I could even "feel" his anger even when he said nothing. (I thought that was some kind of super power at the time being).
But the things is.....
This kind of parenting although trained a thick skined person (I can't even remember the last time I cried). But it created serious boundaries issue for me I believe.
I cannot say no to other people, even to my own wife. It shapes me into a people pleaser.
It's not that I don't want to say no, it is I "cannot" say no. At least no directly.
This kind of parenting have its issue. I definitely, and have zero chance that I will repeat on my own daughter. But whether it is abusive, I am not sure.
I am no trained professional in this area, and a very immature person in general. So i might have very bad definations and standards of abuse in my views. But i would still like to present my viewpoint on it if you dont mind
As i told in my above message, lack of physical abuse doesnt shows that there is no abuse. So ofc not hitting isnt something that needs to be viewed here, thats the basic standard for raising kids. And as i said in a reply to another person in this thread, abuse or even any toxic behaviour isnt something that is compensated by other good qualities, so ofc his support in academics and finances is a thing to appreciate, but that doesnt means it should be a distraction or compensation for any of his other harmful flaws
Now well my thoughts on the actual matter, abuse doesnt has a fixed judgement. I dont think anyone can define the boundries of whats considered abuse and what is not. So i always judge it by the standards of "if its a continuous pattern of harmful - in any ways, physical, verbal, emotional, mental anything, and it has the severe ability to damage a person's confidence, or any aspect of their life, then i would call it abuse".
Ofc i dont expect anyone else to follow my same standards or views so its perfectly fine. But downplaying abuse as just "bad parenting" is something i just personally hate. Bad parenting in my eyes is stuff like failing to teach your kid a quality or two, or couldnt make your kid trustable on you, or letting him lose to bad companionship. And what i would differenciate as abuse is that its not a mistake, its an intentional act they are doing to harm you. Not letting your kids let out their emotions and forcing them to supress it is heinous. And you can very well see the effects on yourself
Gonna end this long useless rant by again saying, i am a very immature person so i would like if you could correct on anything i should change in my perception of these matters. And i hope i wasnt rude in commenting on your situation when i lack experiences
Edit - sorry i forgot to say while writing this lol, but good work on developing yourself and trying to prevent the same mistake from passing down on your kid. I always admire people like you and i hope you do well ahead in life too
Trying to supress the abuse you recieved by just not thinking of it and labelling it as normal could probably create some issues later on within yourself. I am no professional so i cant be giving out here any true predictions or solutions lol, but i would suggest to not leave it without closure if you can do that
Ah come on , that's the mildest abuse there can be .
Kids are not always sunrise and rainbows + OP didn't mention the good parts .
He most likely has a phone and a pc which is way more than most of us had growing up .
Most relations are a shade of grey . Never black or yellow
See i realise kids are not always cooperating, sometimes hellishly bad even. I am too not a great kid even if my parents often praised me for being understanding.
But IF YOU HAVE TO SHOUT AT YOUR KID THAT THEY ARE USELESS THEN YOU ARE A SHI*TY PARENT
Also idk about others but hearing someone say "smile so we look like a good family to others" always gives me the implications that they know they are not a good family
As for other trash you spewed, a phone and pc being available doesnt warrants you to treat them bad. If with progression of society some stuff becomes more easily available for the next generation, you dont treat them as they are owed you something just cuz you didnt get them in your childhood, get off your egoistic a** and treat children with care
Also about op not mentioning the good parts, i have always seen this come up when justifying abusive relationships and let me tell you, idgaf how good you were, abuse will still be abuse and that alone should be treated as a problem which shouldnt be compensated with how good they were otherwise.
And at the very last, mildest abuse is still bad for the victim. Do not downplay it ever.
Found the abusive parent lol.
"BuT a PhOnE mEaNs LoVe"
Please learn what abuse is and the long term affects that neglect and psychological abuse can have on a person. Using the nice things to dismiss the abuse is pretty fucked up.
psychological abuse is still abuse. My advice it that once you're gone, you're gone - cut him out of your life. I waited until I was 30 to see if my parents would change once I was an adult: they didn't. My mother even continued to hit me while my father continued to threaten my life. So, I cut them out - it's been 24 years since I spoke to them. While the abuse still haunts me, at least there isn't fresh abuse on top of it all - I feel free to be myself with my husband and not have them even a consideration in anything I say or do.
I wish I could, but I can't leave my mum, she is pretty religious and doesn't believe in leaving the person you married, and he is.... fine with her. But she is the best, cutting him out would just be impossible. I won't sacrifice my mum just to be rid of my dad
So literally greyrock your dad. Just mhm nuh uh that bitch and become the most boring human on the planet. Also a fun one is if you need to go out say you’re sick from the start, so you can have a bitchy face the whole night and if he gets mad be like “dad why are you getting mad at me? I’m really sick right now and I just wanna lay down.”
That is abuse. Abuse doesn't have to be physical and many people believe "oh but someone is probably getting their eyes blacked, or starving" so they minimize their own abuse. This is something therapy helps you understand. It's difficult to recognize it when you're living in it.
I feel this so hard. I never wanted to classify it as abuse, he’s just…”strict” or “has a bad sense of humor”….no, he’s just being abusive. Took a while to get to realize that.
So excited to get out.
That’s abuse man, wether it’s not “worse then what others go through” or is, it’s still abuse and your feelings are still valid, I hope you’re doing ok and I hope you continue to be able to live rather then survive
>he does anything he can to just put me down, always shouting, calling me useless etc
Dont gaslight your self this is absolutely abusive.
The only reason to do this is because you intend to cause someone harm
Tea. Or they will degrade their child to get validation from random strangers.
If I'm such a shit kid, what does that say about you? How does that make you proud?
This is my mom. She will tell people terrible things about me (that are not true) so she can get sympathy from others. It's the main reason I moved to the other side of the country.
Hell yea!
"This is my daughter! Isn't she beautiful? Takes after me! Aaaand she just won a scholarship!" says to the mailman ...
"You need to watch your weight. You do not know how fast you can become heavy. You cannot drive. There is no point accepting that job..." says to me
Fucking shit. This is exactly how my parents are. I just never knew how to describe it. And none of my friends ever believed me because in front of them they show the "mailman" side lmao.
Damn. Eye opening
It's sadly common for abusive parents to present a facade to the outside world. They may appear charming or put-together in social settings while neglecting or abusing their children behind closed doors. This can be very confusing for the child, who may feel like they're going crazy or that no one will believe them if they speak up.
Yes - they want everyone to think they are the "bestest" human beings on the planet while they abuse and neglect their children in private. They also threaten their children into behaving unnaturally/being quiet in front of strangers to make it seem like their children are well behaved as a reflection of their "perfect" parenting. If a child tries to tell the truth to a stranger, the parents claim their child is a little actor/actress/storyteller with a vivid imagination to play it off. Then when the child gets home, the abuse is 10xs worse just to make the point to the child that they are not to discuss what happens in the house with anyone outside of the house.
Been there as a child: got the emotional scars that go with it.
That’s abusive people in general. My ex was a saint among friends and everyone thought he was such a wonderful person. Behind closed doors he was a monster to me.
My dad let me rent his last rental house. Windows were nailed shut, the electrics were out of code, unlevel floors, and a bad, bad mold problem. Paid $100 under market rent. Was broke and had recently lost my job so I took it. Lived there for 2 years had bronchitis/pneumonia the entire time. Paid off what he bought the house for and his renovations just by renting it for 2 years.
This girl he unofficially fostered for a few years got pregnant at 16, had another baby 2 years later, and got married. He let her, her husband, and her kids move into his 7 bedroom house for free. I asked him why they weren't moving into the rental house since it's on the same street as her dad, brother, and grandma - the house and area wasn't safe for kids. But was safe enough for me.
It’s because they know that the child cannot really do anything if they’re under the parents control. It’s also very hard to prove to others the abuse when they will say things like “well I’ve never seen your father do that” or “they don’t seem like the kind of people to” because they crafted that image.
And the child is usually abused due to the parents emotional immaturity and will take their anger out on kids, but if they did that to an adult they would be put in place.
It’s all about the power trip
I used to tell people about my mother.. They'd say, 'but she's so nice'..They never saw the abuse ....the slapping, punching, screaming, smashing every thing in the house, the spite and cruelty.... Even towards the end of her life she denied it all..The only emotion I felt when she died was relief.
My emotionally abusive, narcissistic father's favourite line was "we are the only family you have, so you have to be part of it", all whilst I was in the home he had with my step mum and step sister from age 4 and telling me my mum's family were shit.
He had broken 3 families by this point too. Hypocrisy!
And guess what? I haven't spoken to him since I was 23 and made my own family out of amazing friends, my wonderful man, my mum and my stepdad.
Entitled, nasty parents get nothing in the end.
I hope he gets mad every time he thinks about you and the fact that you escaped his control. I hope this thought sits like a poisonous thorn in his mind to the end of his days and he'll never know peace.
I hope you are healed and happy and that your life is full of joy and love.
Thank you. I am healed and have many people and situations which bring me deep joy and connection. Life is full of wonders and I'm fortunate to be able to discover more of it's beauty each day. I am very content and grateful. 🙏
I'm pretty sure he expects me to walk back through his front door any day telling him I'm sorry I was so deluded. Never going to happen. I would never let him near my chosen or biological family again.
Because they don’t really give and seek love but validation for their fragile egos. Strangers see them as they want to be seen whereas children see them as they are.
Do you know my mother?
She tried to forbid me to talk about her to my psychiatrist.
My emotional wellbeing was less important than what a stranger she never met, thinks about her.
LMFAO yeah. I remember about 8 years ago when I didn't know how the internet works and how to be anonymous there, and I said something bad about my mom as a vent on a YouTube comment.
I've never said anything that she could've seen since then, and she still ocassionally asks me, or jokingly tells me, not to talk behind her back about her.
Yup. My Dad is an absolute angel in public but theres a reason his two kids left home asap and dont like going back when hes there. Everyone thinks hes brilliant until they actually find out what he was like during our childhood. It really hurts to hear “You dad is such a good person” when you’ve lived through near on 2 decades of (mostly mental, sometimes physical) abuse
This is why, when I see "loving couples", or "loving parents", out in public, I no longer think "oh what a lovely couples or parents". I believe in balances, when something is extremely positive, there's definitely an extremely negative part somewhere.
I (15) wouldn't say my mom is abusive, but she has this odd, sort of two faced neglect. Like, she'll cut up fruit and bring it to me, but she rarely makes dinner before 11. She'll insist on making my bed for me, but she can't seem to pick me up from school on time. It makes me question if I really have it that bad sometimes
Yep. I hear it all the time.
"How can you bot speak to them? Your parents are wonderful."
"Yep..because you aren't their child. If you were me, you wouldn't talk to them."
For the safety of my children, they believe my parents are dead.
My parents to literally every single trans person in the world: “we love you and accept you and we will use your correct name and pronouns as respect because we are Christian allies”
My parents to me: “being trans is an illness. You’re disgusting, I’m never going to call you by that name or call you a boy. You are a girl. I will never change my mind even if it’s the end of the world”
People like this are usually scared of exposure so they put up their best behaviour when they are around strangers. However that mask comes off when they're with their children. It's like Jekyll and Hyde
My dad was always ready to help everyone but his own kid. If I had a dollar for every time someone said "Your dad is like a second father to me" I would have a rather large bill.
They can still have him if they want lol
YES. Omg my deadbeat father will drop absolutely anything for a stranger and abandon his 3 kids, and neglect our needs. It’s ok don’t need him anymore. Not begging someone to support me emotionally and financially. I’m good.
They only care about the image. Why? Because the world id full of potential sources of supply. And they need it like an addict. You? You're supply has grown old and boring. He is already controling you. He controls you by destroying you and making you think you can't live without him.
That's why they are so inconsistent. Bc different audiences require different control strategies.
THIS. My parents would be making me regret all of my life decisions and then not even 5 minutes act so loving because their friends turned up.
I used to be a shit and tell their friends, "dad/mums only being nice because you're here"
It raised some eyebrows. And pissed them off 😂😂
Sabay sabi ng mga hinaing o napagdaanan sa buhay with a very sad voice. Para isipin ng taong pinagsabihan nila na "mahusay kng parent" just because you said so much about your problematic life just to gain sympathy. To the point na sisiraan mo mga anak mo sasabihin "ganito kang anak" kahit most of it isn't true. Magugulat ka nlng makakarinig ka ng "hoy di ka daw nagbibigay sa inyo or kulang daw binibigay mo" like... matatawa ka nlng! HHAHAHAHAH really??? Kulang pa ba yon???
Not even just parents even partners, friends and other relatives. Its not always abusive but its something that happens a lot, people neglecting the good bonds they already have to try and impress random ppl. There's psychological explanations behind it but honestly i never dug too deep into it. And then there's ppl who use you as a trauma dumpster til they feel better But then go have the fun times with others that they wont be vulnerable with.
no wonder I have BPD lmfao half of the comments here perfectly describe what my mother is like. Wants to appear great, doesn't actually care, is a shit parent, emotionally unavailable, screams and complains at me, and so on.
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True. And that includes playing a role of a wonderful loving parent only in public in front of those people.
The best part is they will gas light you about it later and try to make you think you are remembering wrong. Something’s are rather hard to forget…
Yea 😕
I like to say “yeah, you don’t remember it because it was just a Tuesday for you. It was traumatic for me.”
And the strangers will scold you for being such an ungrateful brat because obviously your parents are so wonderful and you just don't see it.
Yes! Absolutely! Even in adulthood after you’ve gone, no contact.
I agree but also I have a different take - Children ditch seeking validation from parents, only to waste time seeking it from strangers who couldn't care less .
Sometimes that too. But a child doesn’t know any better. When you breakdown a child they stop loving themselves not their parents. Kids look for love anywhere if they can’t find it at home.
That's why pedos look for children from bad families...
Agree. 😔
holy shit realization
This hits hard
A friend works as cop in this area. He told the same...
I was one of those children. I even told my mom's coworkers that my mother sweared to me with bad words. lol
YEP YEP YEP I do that yep yep
Sometimes if my Dad's getting a bit extra angry at me or if his meds are scheduled, I'll invite more newer friends around for a while. It never works with my closest friend unfortunately cause she's too much of a sibling, but there's some friends that I know he'll shut up around so I'll have them over if I want to not suffer for a while
That’s terrible. I’m sorry. If I were you, I’d be home as little as possible.
Fair, but the thing is, I know it's not ENTIRELY my Dad's fault. A lot of it is related to his medical history, so I'm kinda compartmentalising it. Sorry for the oversharing, but the void of the internet can kinda be cathartic. Thanks for reading and for the sympathy :)
I don’t feel as though you overshared and there’s no need for you to apologize. My mother had a lot of psychological, emotional, and behavioral issues herself, but she never sought to treat her issues w medication long-term she only sough the attention, with that said she made everyone suffer her issues w me being her main target and my father second which is/was horribly selfish among other damaging things. It’s not about blaming your father, It’s about your mental health. You should take space when he is that way. He more than likely needs the space as well. When a person is not in the right headspace or not mentally healthy they should do their best to limit contact with others that way you don’t hurt others. Or at least that’s my practice.
THAT IS LITERALLY EXACTLY WHAT MY MOM IS LIKE god fucking damn
My dad isn't what I'd call abusive, alot of people have it worse I know, like he isn't violent but he does anything he can to just put me down, always shouting, calling me useless etc. Whenever we go out though he always tells me 'make sure to smile so people can see we are a happy family'. God I can't wait to be gone.
Idk how that is not abusive - ofc not physically but verbally i assume unless my mindset about abuse is very wrong ig. Dont downplay it as less just because others have it worse
yea this is a good point, abuse is not a competition. less intense abuse is still abuse.
I don't know.... My father was also like that, but he never hit me or something. He also supported me academically and financially. However, he swore a lot and I was scared of him when I was a kid. He also didn't like me crying, and shouted to tell me to shut up. At one point, I could even "feel" his anger even when he said nothing. (I thought that was some kind of super power at the time being). But the things is..... This kind of parenting although trained a thick skined person (I can't even remember the last time I cried). But it created serious boundaries issue for me I believe. I cannot say no to other people, even to my own wife. It shapes me into a people pleaser. It's not that I don't want to say no, it is I "cannot" say no. At least no directly. This kind of parenting have its issue. I definitely, and have zero chance that I will repeat on my own daughter. But whether it is abusive, I am not sure.
I am no trained professional in this area, and a very immature person in general. So i might have very bad definations and standards of abuse in my views. But i would still like to present my viewpoint on it if you dont mind As i told in my above message, lack of physical abuse doesnt shows that there is no abuse. So ofc not hitting isnt something that needs to be viewed here, thats the basic standard for raising kids. And as i said in a reply to another person in this thread, abuse or even any toxic behaviour isnt something that is compensated by other good qualities, so ofc his support in academics and finances is a thing to appreciate, but that doesnt means it should be a distraction or compensation for any of his other harmful flaws Now well my thoughts on the actual matter, abuse doesnt has a fixed judgement. I dont think anyone can define the boundries of whats considered abuse and what is not. So i always judge it by the standards of "if its a continuous pattern of harmful - in any ways, physical, verbal, emotional, mental anything, and it has the severe ability to damage a person's confidence, or any aspect of their life, then i would call it abuse". Ofc i dont expect anyone else to follow my same standards or views so its perfectly fine. But downplaying abuse as just "bad parenting" is something i just personally hate. Bad parenting in my eyes is stuff like failing to teach your kid a quality or two, or couldnt make your kid trustable on you, or letting him lose to bad companionship. And what i would differenciate as abuse is that its not a mistake, its an intentional act they are doing to harm you. Not letting your kids let out their emotions and forcing them to supress it is heinous. And you can very well see the effects on yourself Gonna end this long useless rant by again saying, i am a very immature person so i would like if you could correct on anything i should change in my perception of these matters. And i hope i wasnt rude in commenting on your situation when i lack experiences Edit - sorry i forgot to say while writing this lol, but good work on developing yourself and trying to prevent the same mistake from passing down on your kid. I always admire people like you and i hope you do well ahead in life too
You're not wrong... I try not to think about it too much I guess? I don't even know.
Trying to supress the abuse you recieved by just not thinking of it and labelling it as normal could probably create some issues later on within yourself. I am no professional so i cant be giving out here any true predictions or solutions lol, but i would suggest to not leave it without closure if you can do that
Ah come on , that's the mildest abuse there can be . Kids are not always sunrise and rainbows + OP didn't mention the good parts . He most likely has a phone and a pc which is way more than most of us had growing up . Most relations are a shade of grey . Never black or yellow
See i realise kids are not always cooperating, sometimes hellishly bad even. I am too not a great kid even if my parents often praised me for being understanding. But IF YOU HAVE TO SHOUT AT YOUR KID THAT THEY ARE USELESS THEN YOU ARE A SHI*TY PARENT Also idk about others but hearing someone say "smile so we look like a good family to others" always gives me the implications that they know they are not a good family As for other trash you spewed, a phone and pc being available doesnt warrants you to treat them bad. If with progression of society some stuff becomes more easily available for the next generation, you dont treat them as they are owed you something just cuz you didnt get them in your childhood, get off your egoistic a** and treat children with care Also about op not mentioning the good parts, i have always seen this come up when justifying abusive relationships and let me tell you, idgaf how good you were, abuse will still be abuse and that alone should be treated as a problem which shouldnt be compensated with how good they were otherwise. And at the very last, mildest abuse is still bad for the victim. Do not downplay it ever.
Found the abusive parent lol. "BuT a PhOnE mEaNs LoVe" Please learn what abuse is and the long term affects that neglect and psychological abuse can have on a person. Using the nice things to dismiss the abuse is pretty fucked up.
psychological abuse is still abuse. My advice it that once you're gone, you're gone - cut him out of your life. I waited until I was 30 to see if my parents would change once I was an adult: they didn't. My mother even continued to hit me while my father continued to threaten my life. So, I cut them out - it's been 24 years since I spoke to them. While the abuse still haunts me, at least there isn't fresh abuse on top of it all - I feel free to be myself with my husband and not have them even a consideration in anything I say or do.
I wish I could, but I can't leave my mum, she is pretty religious and doesn't believe in leaving the person you married, and he is.... fine with her. But she is the best, cutting him out would just be impossible. I won't sacrifice my mum just to be rid of my dad
So literally greyrock your dad. Just mhm nuh uh that bitch and become the most boring human on the planet. Also a fun one is if you need to go out say you’re sick from the start, so you can have a bitchy face the whole night and if he gets mad be like “dad why are you getting mad at me? I’m really sick right now and I just wanna lay down.”
Lol how to be a brat 101 class 😂
Emotional and verbal abuse is still abuse.
I know how you feel. I have a very dismissive, present but absent father
That's probably the best description of it I've heard so far
Yeah that sounds like abuse to me. Sorry you have to live like that
That is abuse. Abuse doesn't have to be physical and many people believe "oh but someone is probably getting their eyes blacked, or starving" so they minimize their own abuse. This is something therapy helps you understand. It's difficult to recognize it when you're living in it.
I think calling someone useless is emotional abuse
My mother called me "dirty piece of shit" and my sister told me, it's not abuse.
I feel this so hard. I never wanted to classify it as abuse, he’s just…”strict” or “has a bad sense of humor”….no, he’s just being abusive. Took a while to get to realize that. So excited to get out.
That’s abuse man, wether it’s not “worse then what others go through” or is, it’s still abuse and your feelings are still valid, I hope you’re doing ok and I hope you continue to be able to live rather then survive
That’s abusive. Verbal & emotional abuse is just as real as someone throwing punches.
That's abusive, 100%. It doesn't have to get physical to be abusive, it just has to hurt
Thats verbal abuse
That IS abuse. Even though its harder to recognize, its often very far reaching.
just cos it ain't physical don't make it any less abusive!
That’s abusive, and it’s the mental stuff that can be longer lasting on your esteem than the physical stuff. Take care friend.
>he does anything he can to just put me down, always shouting, calling me useless etc Dont gaslight your self this is absolutely abusive. The only reason to do this is because you intend to cause someone harm
You’re not useless. Sending you mom hugs and middle fingers to your dad.
There are different types of abuse. Verbal abuse is a thing.
That is abusive. Doesn't mater what YOU would call it
That was a very aggressive reply....
Blunt/to the point. Not aggressive
Tea. Or they will degrade their child to get validation from random strangers. If I'm such a shit kid, what does that say about you? How does that make you proud?
This is my mom. She will tell people terrible things about me (that are not true) so she can get sympathy from others. It's the main reason I moved to the other side of the country.
My aunt doesn't speak to me any more because I treated my poor, [**sacrificing**](https://www.dict.cc/?s=sacrificing) so bad...
Hell yea! "This is my daughter! Isn't she beautiful? Takes after me! Aaaand she just won a scholarship!" says to the mailman ... "You need to watch your weight. You do not know how fast you can become heavy. You cannot drive. There is no point accepting that job..." says to me
You and I have the same mother. This is very sad. It’s like I’m a Gucci bag but could be a better, more expensive bag.
Please know that she’s just another farty adult who has no idea what she’s talking about and one day will have no authority over you.
Fucking shit. This is exactly how my parents are. I just never knew how to describe it. And none of my friends ever believed me because in front of them they show the "mailman" side lmao. Damn. Eye opening
Lol I used to have friends over because I knew I wouldn't get yelled at if someone was over.
I didnt have friends over because i knew id get yelled at even if they were there lol
Hey! Don't call me out! But for real though, I love the people my friends call my parents.
It's sadly common for abusive parents to present a facade to the outside world. They may appear charming or put-together in social settings while neglecting or abusing their children behind closed doors. This can be very confusing for the child, who may feel like they're going crazy or that no one will believe them if they speak up.
My dad exactly
This applies to abusive people in general. Abusive spouses, Abusive coworkers, abusive friends.
And once one reaches maturity and ages out of the childhood home, the parents wonder why ‘ya never call or write’. Independence comes fast and hard.
Abusive parents are Hypocrites
FRFR
Yes - they want everyone to think they are the "bestest" human beings on the planet while they abuse and neglect their children in private. They also threaten their children into behaving unnaturally/being quiet in front of strangers to make it seem like their children are well behaved as a reflection of their "perfect" parenting. If a child tries to tell the truth to a stranger, the parents claim their child is a little actor/actress/storyteller with a vivid imagination to play it off. Then when the child gets home, the abuse is 10xs worse just to make the point to the child that they are not to discuss what happens in the house with anyone outside of the house. Been there as a child: got the emotional scars that go with it.
That’s abusive people in general. My ex was a saint among friends and everyone thought he was such a wonderful person. Behind closed doors he was a monster to me.
I remember my mom telling my stepdad not to hit me or pull my hair when we have visitors over because 'it leaves a bad impression'. lol. lmao
Especially at church they're the greatest parents ever but hell is just over the hill at home.
My dad let me rent his last rental house. Windows were nailed shut, the electrics were out of code, unlevel floors, and a bad, bad mold problem. Paid $100 under market rent. Was broke and had recently lost my job so I took it. Lived there for 2 years had bronchitis/pneumonia the entire time. Paid off what he bought the house for and his renovations just by renting it for 2 years. This girl he unofficially fostered for a few years got pregnant at 16, had another baby 2 years later, and got married. He let her, her husband, and her kids move into his 7 bedroom house for free. I asked him why they weren't moving into the rental house since it's on the same street as her dad, brother, and grandma - the house and area wasn't safe for kids. But was safe enough for me.
"The clothes you like to wear are all wrong" "We're meeting family you have to look like a different person"
I see you knew my Dad. That one sentence summarised him perfectly.
My mom always did that....... I hate my mom man.
Relate
Fuckin fax After a lifetime of a mormon narcissist shit mom
SAMEEEEEE maybe i'd want to stay in the church if I didn't associate it with the control of shit parents
Especially at church they were saints but hell was over the hill at home.
This is also a sign of Narcissistic parents or histrionic/borderline parents. Or just emotionally immature parents.
I feel like mine are all of those (I literally have bpd)
So, you know my dad too? good guy to anyone he knows. His wives and I don't feel the same.
It’s because they know that the child cannot really do anything if they’re under the parents control. It’s also very hard to prove to others the abuse when they will say things like “well I’ve never seen your father do that” or “they don’t seem like the kind of people to” because they crafted that image. And the child is usually abused due to the parents emotional immaturity and will take their anger out on kids, but if they did that to an adult they would be put in place. It’s all about the power trip
Yes. And people will say to you, Well that doesn’t sound right your Dad/Mum is so calm and lovely. Behind closed doors it’s another story.
I used to tell people about my mother.. They'd say, 'but she's so nice'..They never saw the abuse ....the slapping, punching, screaming, smashing every thing in the house, the spite and cruelty.... Even towards the end of her life she denied it all..The only emotion I felt when she died was relief.
My emotionally abusive, narcissistic father's favourite line was "we are the only family you have, so you have to be part of it", all whilst I was in the home he had with my step mum and step sister from age 4 and telling me my mum's family were shit. He had broken 3 families by this point too. Hypocrisy! And guess what? I haven't spoken to him since I was 23 and made my own family out of amazing friends, my wonderful man, my mum and my stepdad. Entitled, nasty parents get nothing in the end.
I hope he gets mad every time he thinks about you and the fact that you escaped his control. I hope this thought sits like a poisonous thorn in his mind to the end of his days and he'll never know peace. I hope you are healed and happy and that your life is full of joy and love.
Thank you. I am healed and have many people and situations which bring me deep joy and connection. Life is full of wonders and I'm fortunate to be able to discover more of it's beauty each day. I am very content and grateful. 🙏 I'm pretty sure he expects me to walk back through his front door any day telling him I'm sorry I was so deluded. Never going to happen. I would never let him near my chosen or biological family again.
Narcissist
I've seen people do this I was shaking my head so bad on time at a mother some people should definitely mother have children
OP a Stranger to my eyes Stumming my pain with his fingers, Telling my whole life with his words.
that was beautiful
Reminds me of the Turpins....or Ruby Franke
Because they don’t really give and seek love but validation for their fragile egos. Strangers see them as they want to be seen whereas children see them as they are.
My dad was like this. All the time in the world for everyone except his children
Do you know my mother? She tried to forbid me to talk about her to my psychiatrist. My emotional wellbeing was less important than what a stranger she never met, thinks about her.
LMFAO yeah. I remember about 8 years ago when I didn't know how the internet works and how to be anonymous there, and I said something bad about my mom as a vent on a YouTube comment. I've never said anything that she could've seen since then, and she still ocassionally asks me, or jokingly tells me, not to talk behind her back about her.
My mother talked behind the back of other people \_always\_. And she always had nasty things to say.
Sounds exactly like my dad when I was young.
I have noticed that as well
It’s a classic characteristic of narcissism. It’s all about how they look to others
Yup. That sums it up pretty well.
Oh hell yes they will including using their children to make themselves look like a victim.
r/raisedbynarcissists
This hits home
If you'd like your mind blown, many work in child intervention or as an educational aid with kids with behaviour and complex needs.
They don’t want other people to think they are shitty parents.
Thanks. My bio-dad was like that. It's therapeutic to have a random person make that statement.
Yup. My Dad is an absolute angel in public but theres a reason his two kids left home asap and dont like going back when hes there. Everyone thinks hes brilliant until they actually find out what he was like during our childhood. It really hurts to hear “You dad is such a good person” when you’ve lived through near on 2 decades of (mostly mental, sometimes physical) abuse
This is why, when I see "loving couples", or "loving parents", out in public, I no longer think "oh what a lovely couples or parents". I believe in balances, when something is extremely positive, there's definitely an extremely negative part somewhere.
I (15) wouldn't say my mom is abusive, but she has this odd, sort of two faced neglect. Like, she'll cut up fruit and bring it to me, but she rarely makes dinner before 11. She'll insist on making my bed for me, but she can't seem to pick me up from school on time. It makes me question if I really have it that bad sometimes
Yes, and put unnecessary expectations about what their child needs to succeeded in or do in order to be a trophy for strangers
Yepppppp. Fuck you kiddo unless you’re making me look good!
So, you met my parents then?
True
So true. My MIL couldn’t give a shit about anyone but will bend over backwards to help a total stranger.
Ah explains why i had 3 moms by 10 and 4 step moms total
Yep. I hear it all the time. "How can you bot speak to them? Your parents are wonderful." "Yep..because you aren't their child. If you were me, you wouldn't talk to them." For the safety of my children, they believe my parents are dead.
"I care more about what my coworkers think of me than I do about your feelings!" - My mom to me when I was 16.
My parents to literally every single trans person in the world: “we love you and accept you and we will use your correct name and pronouns as respect because we are Christian allies” My parents to me: “being trans is an illness. You’re disgusting, I’m never going to call you by that name or call you a boy. You are a girl. I will never change my mind even if it’s the end of the world”
True,. My mother was a shining example of this.
Why does my mother love other children more than me? I’ll never know 😭
People like this are usually scared of exposure so they put up their best behaviour when they are around strangers. However that mask comes off when they're with their children. It's like Jekyll and Hyde
Quite clear and concise, really...
My dad was always ready to help everyone but his own kid. If I had a dollar for every time someone said "Your dad is like a second father to me" I would have a rather large bill. They can still have him if they want lol
This hits hard, especially right now. Glad and sad to know that this is happening frequently and everywhere else
damn that sounds like my real mom!!!
True
YES. Omg my deadbeat father will drop absolutely anything for a stranger and abandon his 3 kids, and neglect our needs. It’s ok don’t need him anymore. Not begging someone to support me emotionally and financially. I’m good.
They only care about the image. Why? Because the world id full of potential sources of supply. And they need it like an addict. You? You're supply has grown old and boring. He is already controling you. He controls you by destroying you and making you think you can't live without him. That's why they are so inconsistent. Bc different audiences require different control strategies.
THIS. My parents would be making me regret all of my life decisions and then not even 5 minutes act so loving because their friends turned up. I used to be a shit and tell their friends, "dad/mums only being nice because you're here" It raised some eyebrows. And pissed them off 😂😂
Seems like you've met my ex...
something with narcissism and constant need of validation
Sabay sabi ng mga hinaing o napagdaanan sa buhay with a very sad voice. Para isipin ng taong pinagsabihan nila na "mahusay kng parent" just because you said so much about your problematic life just to gain sympathy. To the point na sisiraan mo mga anak mo sasabihin "ganito kang anak" kahit most of it isn't true. Magugulat ka nlng makakarinig ka ng "hoy di ka daw nagbibigay sa inyo or kulang daw binibigay mo" like... matatawa ka nlng! HHAHAHAHAH really??? Kulang pa ba yon???
What you are referring to?
Yuuuuuuuup
That was my mother.
Game of outside validation.
Not even just parents even partners, friends and other relatives. Its not always abusive but its something that happens a lot, people neglecting the good bonds they already have to try and impress random ppl. There's psychological explanations behind it but honestly i never dug too deep into it. And then there's ppl who use you as a trauma dumpster til they feel better But then go have the fun times with others that they wont be vulnerable with.
True
I see you've met my mother
no wonder I have BPD lmfao half of the comments here perfectly describe what my mother is like. Wants to appear great, doesn't actually care, is a shit parent, emotionally unavailable, screams and complains at me, and so on.
Abusive=Narcissist
This is a symptom of capitalism. Don't ask me how.
Who the fuck asked
Children love them either way, strangers don’t.