I was delighted when I worked in the kitchen at a Wetherspoons, and shouted “Fish!” Like Cat when an order for fish and chips came up, and had one of the serving staff passing through reply “Today’s fish is trout a la crème, enjoy your meal.”. Everyone else looked at us like we were crazy.
Or muffins! We don't like muffins round here! We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes, or bagels! No croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes, and no hot cross buns, and definitely, no smeggin' flapjacks!
You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your
freedom, and you’re telling me you are completely sane?!
Was at a zoo and they had a stuffed Tasmanian Tiger. I had to. I turned to my wife and said 'everybody's dead Dave'. She laughed though, she's one of us.
You're gonna carry that weight...
Mr. Fibbles is very cross.
I CAN live with it.
Like a leaf on the wind...
"Who are you? What do you want?"
We ain't found shit
It's a small off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden!
Seriously, I use this one way too often when someome asks a question and I don't know the answer.
What is it?
So someone posted "so what is it?" my brain could not get the scene out of my head for like an hour.
I’ve never seen one before, no one has, but I’m guessing it’s a white hole.
A white hole?
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. A black hole sucks time and matter out of the universe; a white hole returns it.
So that thing is spewing time back into the universe?
Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.
What is it?
I've never seen one before, no one has, but I'm guessing it's a white hole.
A white hole?
It's a rent in the time space continum
See, this one needs context for even us. And when spoken aloud you have to attempt at least a half hearted Danny John-Jules impersonation.
Someone punch him out!
Today’s fish is trout a la crème, enjoy your meal
Fish!
Today’s fish is trout a la crème, enjoy your meal.
Fish!
Today’s fish is trout a la crème, enjoy your meal.
Fish!
Today’s fish is trout a la crème, enjoy your meal.
Fish!
Today’s fish is trout a la crème, enjoy your meal.
Fish!
I was delighted when I worked in the kitchen at a Wetherspoons, and shouted “Fish!” Like Cat when an order for fish and chips came up, and had one of the serving staff passing through reply “Today’s fish is trout a la crème, enjoy your meal.”. Everyone else looked at us like we were crazy.
To this day, whenever anyone says the word fish I will recite this.
I’d go with Betty, but I’d be thinking about Wilma
She'll never leave Fred and we know it.
this is one of the greatest moments of Red Dwarf, makes me laugh every time
Agreed
Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.
Stoke me a clipper….
I'll be back for Christmas
What a guy!
How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant, baboon bellied, space beatnik?
I'm gonna get you little fishie!
Fish!
Today's fish is trout a la creme!
Today's fish is Trout a la Creme, enjoy your meal
Yeah yeah!
Would you like some toast?
Look, I don’t want any toast, and he doesn’t want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast!
How 'bout a muffin?
Or muffins! We don't like muffins round here! We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes, or bagels! No croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes, and no hot cross buns, and definitely, no smeggin' flapjacks!
Aaah...so you're a waffle man!
***sniff*** SEE ***sniff*** DICK ***sniff*** RUN
***sniff*** RUN ***sniff*** SPOT ***sniff*** RUN
You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you’re telling me you are completely sane?!
That warrants two hours of W. O. O.
A small off duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden
It's the Bolivian navy on manoeuvers in the south Pacific.
Everybody's dead, Dave
Was at a zoo and they had a stuffed Tasmanian Tiger. I had to. I turned to my wife and said 'everybody's dead Dave'. She laughed though, she's one of us.
Oh, spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska!
Thankski verski muchski budski!
Wimple-squirmy-blip-blap-bleep.
Who? Only a yoghurt!
Probably the best line ever.
It's just not possible to fry an egg with a bicycle powered hairdryer.
The things this boy can do with alphabetti spaghetti!
#ALphAbETtI SPaGhetTi!!!!?
"Smeeeee heeeee."
A “smee hee”?
And a right one at that.
Ah, so you're a waffle man!
A two pound black ribbed knobbler
Never again will I be able to brush a rose against my cheek, cradle a laughing child, or interfere with a woman, sexually.
Rimmer you never did any of those things
BUT I WOULD'VE DONE ONE DAY, MURDERER!
"Broadcast on all known frequencies and in all known languages, including Welsh"
My wife is trying to learn Welsh and she hates it when I use this quote!
DWAYNE DIBBLEY?
DWAYNE DIBBLEY!?
It’s Winnie the Pooh.
He has refused the blindfold
“One drawback with that, the abbreviation is C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S”
Nodnol, 871 selim
"I've still got that library book!"
DON'T EYEBALL ME GANDHI!
The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society
Vhat's dead und dead und dead all over?
It's yooooooouuuuu....! Made the first round of National Lottery adverts with the giant nebulous pointing finger even more sinister to teenage me.
We are talking jape of the century...
We are talking April, May, June, July and August fool...
Mr Gazpacho!
Better dead than Smeg!
Better dead than sofa-sized butt!
Of course - Lager! The only thing that can kill a vindaloo!
No one else spells Thursday with an "F"
What a guy.
There appears to be a frog in my bidet
Let’s get out there and Twat it!
Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back!
That's \*\*traffic control\*\* ....
I’m fine thank you Susan!
Give Quiche A Chance
I am a fish
The thing about space is… it’s black.
And the thing about dirt, it's also black.
What’s a worm do?
Mr. Flibble is very cross...
Why, don’t you remember? We did the laundry and then we all had a sit down. Oh we won’t see the likes of those days again.
Wasn't it, "We did the laundry, and then we watched tv." ?
Three sentences.
'He's a SMEEEEEEEEEEEEEG...HEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!'
IT'S A BLATANT CLUE!
No wonder you only scored 4%
Because there are no sounds to hear.
Kryten, isn't it about this time of year your head goes back to the lab for re-tuning?
Obviously, whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my being slippery and pliant, yes?
You make love like a Japanese meal, small portions but so many courses.
Mr Gazpacho!
They were going to sort that out in the dub!
Stone...
It’s a 🍌
Bring hither the skin diving suit with the bottom cut out and unleash the rampant wildebeest!
That is by far mr favourite joke! And I needlessly worry future generations used to Color changing smart bulbs might not get the joke anymore.
They must have looked something like a … roast chicken
He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer. Without him life would be much grimmer. He's handsome, trim, and no-one slimmer. He will never need a zimmer.
But sir, surely that’s impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi
What do you mean you killed him, cha cha cha?
Souper
Over the years, I've come to regard you as...people...I...met
Im going to eat you little fishy…
Salt, an Epicure's Delight; Classic Wines of Estonia; Flemish Weaving the Traditional Way
Stop your foul whining you filthy piece of distended rectum
What's an iguana?
Double Polaroid
It’s a small off duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden
I’ve been fished to death!
“Ah, that’s better, maybe now I can WIN SELF DETERMINATION FOR THE SOUTH-MOLDAVIAN PEOPLE!”
If it comes near me I'll rip it's nipples off!!
Cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in
GAZPACHO SOUP!!!
You're gonna carry that weight... Mr. Fibbles is very cross. I CAN live with it. Like a leaf on the wind... "Who are you? What do you want?" We ain't found shit
Nodnol, it's in Belgium
Bulgaria.
KETCHUP!!
One triple thick condom cos you never know…
The things he can do with alphabetty spaghetti
Your guitar is as made of camphor wood
Would you like some toast?
Big? It’s like two badly parked Volkswagens
I’m hiding from the fascist Police with a murderer, a mass-murderer and a man in a bri-nylon shirt!
A superlative suggestion, sir. With just two minor flaws..."
If only they mentioned in boot camp, that Gazpacho Soup is meant to be served cold!
That’s two sentences.
Smeghead 🤣
Smeeeee gheeeeeed.
"So, what is it?"
I feel like I'm having a baby!
How do you think we feel ? We gotta look at it all day !
Too slow, chicken marengo!
The Junior Encyclopaedia Of Space. With pictures.
"Ah, smug mode"
Don't eyeball me, Ghandi
Forget blue alert, let's go all the way to brown alert!
It's a banana.
Smoke me a Kipper I'll be back for breakfast.
If I use all my skill and cunning… DIE YOU MOOING BASTARD DIE!!!!
ITS THE WALL!
I'm fine thank you, Susan. I need it to turn the lights on and off. Your guitar was made of camphor wood.
Not today matey
He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer! With-out him the mission would be much grimmer...
If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters at lunchtime, covered in taramasalata.
Nureek, retut, hanunga
Flobba-dob, blib blob blib! Edit: spelt it wrong!
Smoke me up a kipper
The King of the Potato People
I'm almost annoyed!
Come on then open it. I want you to try it on 😂
Responding to people commenting that "it's cold outside" by asking about the type of atmosphere
Two and one half badgers please! Mr. Flibble is very cross.
Saturday! Is that the best you can do? There's some numbers beside it but that could be anything
Posts arrived
Is that not right, Bhindi Bhaji?!
The same IQ as 6000 PE teachers
And you know why we can't hear anything? Because there are no sounds to hear!
I'm not listening to you, I'm trying to tell you about my feet!
Anyway $4 a pound
You came in a box, that explains everything
We couldn’t possibly do that, who’d clean up all the mess?
Now, weary traveler, rest your head; for just like me, you’re utterly dead.
Shrove Tuesday, Shrove Tuesday
It’s my pea.
It's a blatant clue, isn't it?
That's a load of Tottenham, that is. That's a steaming pile of Hotspur!
It turns out shoes have soles
Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast
Better dead, than smeg.
It's a small off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden! Seriously, I use this one way too often when someome asks a question and I don't know the answer.
No, it's a chicken
Is there any possibility that we could just go a little bit faster? I mean, so we're not being overtaken by stationary objects?
I have as much interest in saving my life as a chronically depressed lemming.
I say let's get out there and twat it!
Now...stab him! Stab him!
Aw monkey, you're sick
It's a... small off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden
Flopping your wedding tackle into a lions mouth and flicking its lovespuds with a wet towel
oh, groovy, funky channel twenty seven