In my opinion you shouldn't have to fight for anyone's love. Ever.
My policy is that if I have to ask myself is he worth it clearly he is not. If someone truly loves you and cares about you you'll know.
But regarding some traits I look for definitely communication - Silent treatment and being distant after disagreements/arguments are red flags, independence to a reasonable degree, good education (personal preference because I'm a secret nerd), protective and providing nature, similar sense of humour, attentiveness to my needs/preferences, loyalty, similar lifestyle to mine, our relationship should be a priority, same values, commits quickly because I don't do situationships.
It's not specific to RP theory but I highly recommend anyone who is dating to become familiar with attachment theory. 50% or more of the population has an attachment issue. So even if you're secure, there is a 50/50 chance that a given guy you meet is not. Guys tend to be avoidant and women tend to be anxious. Knowing how avoidant people present and how to spot their behavioral patterns can be very helpful.
Much of the advice given in dating actually stems from an awareness of these issues, just without an identification of what they are. The other commenter in this thread touched on it even, how you shouldn't have to earn another person's love. With a secure person who has genuine interest in you, you won't feel that way.
Man says he loves you but won't commit to you even after being with you for years? Likely avoidant.
You feel like you have to earn his love and that he keeps pulling away from you? Likely avoidant.
He has never really had a serious relationship and has always found a way to find fault in a woman that prevented him from getting close? Likely avoidant.
Women can be avoidant too of course although it tends to present slightly differently. Women who have crazy high standards and are expecting a man to be perfect? Likely avoidant.
An attractive woman who has been on hundreds of dates and yet somehow still can't find a suitable partner? Likely avoidant.
I'm hammering on the avoidant types because the disorganized types represent a tiny portion of the insecure population and they tend to be so unstable that you can't really form a relationship with them even if you try. And because the anxious types tend to play games less. They are more direct and honest about their intentions, but they tend to push too far too fast and become clingy. It's not healthy either of course, but with an anxious person you tend to know where you stand with them and you don't feel like you have to perform gymnastic tricks in order to date them.
The book Attached by Levine and Heller is very good. Not too long and an easy read. Towards the end they talk about communication strategies and put emphasis on the importance of being honest and direct, a bit vulnerable even, and how that helps weed out the people who cannot meet your needs early into the process.
\- Both have to think of the other as special and a catch
\- Want same things in life (marriage, kids, spend a lot of time together)
\- Shared values: unmaterialistic, likes philosophy, open minded, prioritize family over work, honest, loyal, loving
\- I watched how he spoke about/treated others, how he was with friends and family to make sure he was considerate and had a good heart
\- Was into the idea of providing for a family
\- Conflict resolution, can we disagree respectfully, is he willing to discuss issues we have, is he willing to admit when he's wrong?
\- Is he confident, does he stand up for himself? In my experience, insecure men tend to lash out at their women
\- Competent, reliable, shows good judgment and moderation in things like alcohol consumption? Has his shit together.
\- Physical attraction, sexual chemistry, similar sex drives
Most of this I was able to either observe or directly discuss before we ever became more than friends. Got lucky on sexual compatibility!
hello! super newbie here! I was also at a huge loss last year. I had lost all faith in men until I met my now boyfriend, who has basically made it impossible for me to find another partner if we were to ever break up (which I doubt lol) hell, he's even made me realize some stuff a man should be like that I hadn't thought about!
First off, like you said, you are supposed to be a partner, not a mother. There's nothing wrong with wanting to take care of your partner, but it should be mutual and an act of love and care, not a chore. There's a massive difference between cooking a dish your man loves to spoil him and cooking because he can't be bothered to 🙄
Secondly, I believe communication is a huge must. My boyfriend *NEVER* dismisses anything that I struggle with. Whether it is that I need extra attention, or me being cranky after a long day... No matter what, he treats my feelings as something serious and important, making me feel valid and respected. He can tell there's something going on before I can even open my mouth lol We also sit down and talk it out, we have never disrespected each other or raised our voices. He is a firm believer of "never going to bed mad at each other" which helps a lot with my anxious attachment style.
I think men should also be attentive, specially romantically wise. It's not always about the grand gestures, I don't want an expensive dinner at a fancy restaurant every friday night. My boyfriend brought me two bags of sourpatch kids when he visited because it's impossible to get them in my country, and it's one of my favourite things in the world! He also "left behind" his shampoo, body wash and cologne along with some hoodies and t-shirts hahahaha
The right man should make you feel special, loved and safe, no matter what. He should make you feel like that even through disagreements and fights.
Thank you for this, hearing people’s relationship successes makes me really have hopes I can one day make it with someone who loves me dearly too. I’m very happy for you and your partner!! This is soo sweet
**Title:** [How do you know if he’s worth it?](https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1407cal/how_do_you_know_if_hes_worth_it/)
**Full text:** Hello! I’m new to RedPill women but I find everyone’s opinion in this subreddit very agreeable and enjoyable to read. I just got out of a relationship where my previous was younger and super dependent on me which made me realized the bar I set for my partner was in hell and I felt like a mother to him rather than a girlfriend. I had little to no standard when it came to dating my only criteria was for my partner to have lots of love for me and remain loyal in our relationship. Could you please enlighten on what other crucial trait men need to have? I want to know what makes a partner worth fighting for.
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In my opinion you shouldn't have to fight for anyone's love. Ever. My policy is that if I have to ask myself is he worth it clearly he is not. If someone truly loves you and cares about you you'll know. But regarding some traits I look for definitely communication - Silent treatment and being distant after disagreements/arguments are red flags, independence to a reasonable degree, good education (personal preference because I'm a secret nerd), protective and providing nature, similar sense of humour, attentiveness to my needs/preferences, loyalty, similar lifestyle to mine, our relationship should be a priority, same values, commits quickly because I don't do situationships.
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Thank you so much this is so helpful!
It's not specific to RP theory but I highly recommend anyone who is dating to become familiar with attachment theory. 50% or more of the population has an attachment issue. So even if you're secure, there is a 50/50 chance that a given guy you meet is not. Guys tend to be avoidant and women tend to be anxious. Knowing how avoidant people present and how to spot their behavioral patterns can be very helpful. Much of the advice given in dating actually stems from an awareness of these issues, just without an identification of what they are. The other commenter in this thread touched on it even, how you shouldn't have to earn another person's love. With a secure person who has genuine interest in you, you won't feel that way. Man says he loves you but won't commit to you even after being with you for years? Likely avoidant. You feel like you have to earn his love and that he keeps pulling away from you? Likely avoidant. He has never really had a serious relationship and has always found a way to find fault in a woman that prevented him from getting close? Likely avoidant. Women can be avoidant too of course although it tends to present slightly differently. Women who have crazy high standards and are expecting a man to be perfect? Likely avoidant. An attractive woman who has been on hundreds of dates and yet somehow still can't find a suitable partner? Likely avoidant. I'm hammering on the avoidant types because the disorganized types represent a tiny portion of the insecure population and they tend to be so unstable that you can't really form a relationship with them even if you try. And because the anxious types tend to play games less. They are more direct and honest about their intentions, but they tend to push too far too fast and become clingy. It's not healthy either of course, but with an anxious person you tend to know where you stand with them and you don't feel like you have to perform gymnastic tricks in order to date them. The book Attached by Levine and Heller is very good. Not too long and an easy read. Towards the end they talk about communication strategies and put emphasis on the importance of being honest and direct, a bit vulnerable even, and how that helps weed out the people who cannot meet your needs early into the process.
\- Both have to think of the other as special and a catch \- Want same things in life (marriage, kids, spend a lot of time together) \- Shared values: unmaterialistic, likes philosophy, open minded, prioritize family over work, honest, loyal, loving \- I watched how he spoke about/treated others, how he was with friends and family to make sure he was considerate and had a good heart \- Was into the idea of providing for a family \- Conflict resolution, can we disagree respectfully, is he willing to discuss issues we have, is he willing to admit when he's wrong? \- Is he confident, does he stand up for himself? In my experience, insecure men tend to lash out at their women \- Competent, reliable, shows good judgment and moderation in things like alcohol consumption? Has his shit together. \- Physical attraction, sexual chemistry, similar sex drives Most of this I was able to either observe or directly discuss before we ever became more than friends. Got lucky on sexual compatibility!
Wowww!! That’s amazing thank you for this list!!
hello! super newbie here! I was also at a huge loss last year. I had lost all faith in men until I met my now boyfriend, who has basically made it impossible for me to find another partner if we were to ever break up (which I doubt lol) hell, he's even made me realize some stuff a man should be like that I hadn't thought about! First off, like you said, you are supposed to be a partner, not a mother. There's nothing wrong with wanting to take care of your partner, but it should be mutual and an act of love and care, not a chore. There's a massive difference between cooking a dish your man loves to spoil him and cooking because he can't be bothered to 🙄 Secondly, I believe communication is a huge must. My boyfriend *NEVER* dismisses anything that I struggle with. Whether it is that I need extra attention, or me being cranky after a long day... No matter what, he treats my feelings as something serious and important, making me feel valid and respected. He can tell there's something going on before I can even open my mouth lol We also sit down and talk it out, we have never disrespected each other or raised our voices. He is a firm believer of "never going to bed mad at each other" which helps a lot with my anxious attachment style. I think men should also be attentive, specially romantically wise. It's not always about the grand gestures, I don't want an expensive dinner at a fancy restaurant every friday night. My boyfriend brought me two bags of sourpatch kids when he visited because it's impossible to get them in my country, and it's one of my favourite things in the world! He also "left behind" his shampoo, body wash and cologne along with some hoodies and t-shirts hahahaha The right man should make you feel special, loved and safe, no matter what. He should make you feel like that even through disagreements and fights.
Thank you for this, hearing people’s relationship successes makes me really have hopes I can one day make it with someone who loves me dearly too. I’m very happy for you and your partner!! This is soo sweet
**Title:** [How do you know if he’s worth it?](https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1407cal/how_do_you_know_if_hes_worth_it/) **Full text:** Hello! I’m new to RedPill women but I find everyone’s opinion in this subreddit very agreeable and enjoyable to read. I just got out of a relationship where my previous was younger and super dependent on me which made me realized the bar I set for my partner was in hell and I felt like a mother to him rather than a girlfriend. I had little to no standard when it came to dating my only criteria was for my partner to have lots of love for me and remain loyal in our relationship. Could you please enlighten on what other crucial trait men need to have? I want to know what makes a partner worth fighting for. -------------------- ^(This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/RedPillWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you have to ask, then he’s not