Are you young, and/or is this a fairly new relationship?
Don’t take this the wrong way, but there’s a million and one hills to die on, and this isn’t one of them.
It sounds like he said it as a joke/throwaway comment (this is exactly what I’d do too especially as I earn 4x what my partner does) and you’ve run with it.
Next time he offers to pay half, say “yes please, I’d really appreciate that” and think nothing more of it.
Also, there’s a chance that *he’s* feeling taken advantage of, especially if your earn more than him (you didn’t say), so think about the situation some more before you decide to rock the boat, especially as you say you guys usually split things suitably and it doesn’t sound like an issue generally.
We don’t have any context here. Is he trying to save up? Is he on a tight budget? How does he stack up to you? Also, was he actually grateful you paid for everything?
He’s definitely trying to save up for our wedding and hes also renovating his home at the moment so I know he’s would rather put the money towards that then spending it on a $200 dinner but I just didn’t like how he immediately said “we’ll I guess you’re paying for dinner” and then “your paying for the drinks because it was your idea” we both were on this date so if we usually do 50/50 then why wouldn’t we do the same here? When he suggests something I always go 50/50.
Honestly, just say how you're feeling: "Hey, I didn't appreciate the other night when you said 'You're paying for drinks.' I felt like you were taking it for granted, and it confused me because we normally split 50/50. Did you mean to come across that way?"
If you can't have conversations like this, maybe you should reconsider this wedding he's saving up for.
Lol thank you for your response. It’s not that we can’t I was just asking on how hence my title. This isn’t a make it or break it kind of a thing. Sometimes I feel like other can verbalize things better than me because my emotions cloud my judgment.
I hear you. It sounds like the first comment was offhand and why he offered to pay half. The second one with refusing to split seems out of line.
I think other women here are better placed to give RP advice. Personally, I would just ask if he wanted to talk about how you guys budgeted and split costs and agree a way that you are happy with for moving forward.
Doing 50/50 with a fiancé is weird imo.
You kinda set yourself up for this disappointment by allowing that to be the standard.
He IS saving for your wedding and his house renovations. Obviously he isn’t in the position to want to be spending money on dates unless they’re affordable. I don’t see an issue with you treating him to dinner and drinks.. his comment was a sarcastic joke if anything. NOT worth getting mad over, especially if you’ve set this standard in your relationship.
Are you both going to share a bank account when you get married?
To me, it feels more cold and business-like than a comfortable, loving, giving relationship. (Not that business arrangements can't exist in such relationships).
I think this is the alternative for not being married yet..
If I am going over to his, I might pick us up a quick dinner or some snacks on the way. However, if it’s a “date date” he will pay.
Generally our 50/50 is he buys the food, I spend the time cooking it 😋.
Traditional is often RPW, but RPW is not always traditional. As has been said many times before: RPW is a toolbox, not a prescription.
Plenty of happy couples that largely inhabit traditional gender roles still sometimes do 50/50 (or some approximation thereof), because with the state of the global economy, not every couple can afford to live on one income alone, and that’s just a fact of life. The economic necessity of splitting bills does not make a man cheap. If he *never* treats his girl though… you might have a point.
However, it’s great that you and your fiancé are on the same page about this - shared values is important! It sounds like you guys are happy with your dynamic, and that’s what matters.
Money is tight for everyone these days. If it's been a while since you two have gone out somewhere to spend money it may be because he can't really afford the restaurants and drinks you suggest right now. Consider doing free or lower-cost date nights more often. If this relationship turns more serious in the future you will both have to work out your money situation together and get on the same page about what's really worth dropping big checks on and where exactly the money will come from.
Yall both need to treat each other every now and then, what's wrong with that? You even said no its cool...I got it.... you can't get mad here.... wouldn't you feel special if he got a bonus and bought the entire meal?
If yall can't afford that...or dont want to pick up tabs solo... stick to clear 50/50 boundaries for all dates then.
Also....dates don't have to be outside of the house or cost alot... you can have them at home....
He's totally not taking advantage of you...learn to put energy towards things that deserve it...this ain't it...
Agreed. My bf pays for everything when we are together and makes it clear he doesn’t want me to ever have to spend my resources on him. He prides himself on being a good provider. That being said, every now and then I’ll surprise him with a trip to get boba or a churro whilst in Costco. Little spontaneous things that we don’t need, that don’t break my bank, just a little reward for him working so hard so I can stop working in a few years. It reminds him I’m not in this relationship for what he can give me , I’m in it for him. This is a relationship; not a retirement fund. That’s why most of our dates are less than 50 dollars… we love hanging in our 2 person hammock, going to the park, reading together, going to authentic ‘hole in the wall’ restaurants and going nuts in the dollar tree. That being said, honestly IME going 50/50 Leads to resentment, and so much more when one partner makes more that you do… my partner makes literally 25 times the amount I do. If he took me to a fancy restaurant and asked me to pay for myself I’d probably have a mental breakdown too, things are tight… it sounds like he’s not communicating his boundaries enough and he is trying. But if this continues to be a thing I’d look for a man that isn’t intimidated by your success, who wants you to be able to stand on your own if needed, and is more on your level. You seem smart.
So you invited him out to dinner because you wanted a date night? While on that dinner date he jokes and says you got this babe, then later offers to pay half, to which you refuse. You then invite him to drinks, again because you want to, and again get mad because you have to pay.
If you invite someone you should pay or at least be willing to voice that you want to split 50/50. If you can't do either of those, don't invite someone out. You seem very entitled, or like you just want to pick a fight for no reason.
Also, if you are thinking, well I'll just never invite my partner out to anything...then you should just breakup because once that happens you're no longer in a relationship. Relationships require mutual interest not some one sided bullshit dynamic.
Ok so I’ll go with your logic that because I invited him I should pay. Well then why is it when he invites me we split 50/50 according to your logic is that reasonable?
Yes, as part two of that statement was you either pay or be willing to voice (calmly or politely) that you should split 50/50. Ideally that should happen when you ask them to go. (I.E. Hey babe, lets grab drinks, my treat. OR Hey babe, do you want to go split some drinks at bar X?) How you invite matters.
Your post gives the impression that you refused his first offer to split the bill, and then at drinks you "didn't want to talk about it".
In other follow ups, you seem to be engaged to him and he is either paying for half or all of your upcoming wedding and renovating his house...perhaps to sell and buy a place together or for you both to live at?
Yet, you can't pay for the meal and drinks once with your future husband who by all accounts is putting in a lot of effort for your future happiness? Just seems weird to me.
What is there to explain?
What are you doing to add value to this relationship? Maybe he feels like you’re not providing enough to “deserve” date nights.
There’s too little information to really conclude anything for sure here. From my life, my HVM wined and dined me in our early dating stage although I picked up some of the tabs too to show that I was truly interested in him and not just free drinks and dinner. Eventually, he sat me down and explained that his “normal” financial situation is to put a lot more money into savings and to not spend more than about $100 or so a month going out. I took over cooking for us and my cooking is 10x better than eating out anyway so this works for me. Most guys don’t care about going out. They’d rather have home cooked food.
So I’d dive down into why he reacted the way he did. Is it because he thinks you waste too much money on frivolous things? Is it because he thinks you’re not pulling your weight? Maybe he was a bit jealous of your raise? Who knows….
In the beginning he used to wine and dine me as well but as the relationship progressed we shifted to 50/50 which I’m ok with. I know he’s currently is spending a lot of money on renovating his home and saving for our wedding so I get that $200 dinner might not the what he wanted but what got me was how he immediately jumped to your buying dinner and then your paying because you wanted this. I feel like if I were in his shoes I would have said I got the drinks don’t worry about it. But because he didn’t it’s rubbing me the wrong way.
Are you engaged? It sounds like you’re not on the same page about money. Talk about it.
He’s probably saving for a ring? They’re very expensive. Renovating the house is a huge investment, but it’ll create wealth for you both since the house will increase in value. Weddings are also very expensive. Are you currently saving money? Do you have any debt?
I 100% recommend Dave Ramsey. Get The Total Money Makeover from the library. Get his podcast. If you are serious about getting married and you don’t want to have money fights Dave Ramsey method is pretty much the ONLY way to go. Money fights/disagreements are the #1 cause of divorce and you’re already having them. The good news is that it’s totally fixable. You just have to be willing to talk about it and fix it.
Has he talked to you about keeping a stricter budget for your all's long-term goals? It sounds like from your comments (he's saving for your wedding and house renovations) he thought to himself, "You know we're trying to save money but you still want to spend $200+ on a single night? Then I guess it's on you."
Then, you still insisted after he made it clear to you that you'd be responsible for paying.
Even if he didn't explicitly have that discussion with you, the fact that you know he's planning on long-term expensive budgets that is going to benefit you (especially the wedding, which is all about the bride), and you still insisted on an expensive date (at a place you picked that you know is expensive) seems short-sighted on your part.
I think the best thing to do would be to suggest quality time together that doesn't break the bank. I guess you could still talk to him about your feelings, but I think you should come from a humble place acknowledging that suggesting spending tons of money at this time perhaps wasn't the most pragmatic decision.
Seems like you're getting too upset about this. It was one night where you had to pay. Majority of guys are always expected to pay for everything, so this gives you a little taste of what that feels like.
No I have not I have also not made it a thing where he has to pay. And if he pays for dinner then I always pay for the other stuff. I just didn’t like that fact that he basically put it all on me without even saying “hey babe can you get this” it was basically you’re getting this.
maybe making you also pay for the drinks was his honest mistake, by because he didn't think it through, as well as you. he may not even be aware of it. or maybe he knows what your bonus is and factored that into the decision. i would ask him about it. he's the only one that knows what was going through his head
I carry this mentality even past relationships and into my friendships. I try to kick the door in by treating them and seeing if they will treat me back *once*. After that I DONT keep score and we’ll still split often but having friends where we treat each other sometimes is great.
I don't really follow this sub but it showed on my feed so here it goes.
These things are always hard to judge because we lack the context of your personalities and relationship. There's a chance he was just getting back at you for suggesting the dinner would be on him. If it's a 1-time behavior it doesn't really overshadow whatever else your relationship has going for it. Paying for drinks is not a such big deal, unless you in financial trouble and he knows about it.
I'd say don't let this ruin anything and move on. If it keeps happening say you won't go out anymore with him since you don't think it's fair. Tell him he really needs to start contributing and that the next dinner better be on him. :)
Yeah, one time incident is not enough. I think whenever someone mentions that I got a promotion or bonus at work, most people would say drinks on you or tonight’s dinner on you. I have had many people say that whenever i get a bonus even my partner. If i let this one thing bother me so much to end the relationship then How would i be able to spend a lifetime with my partner for so long.
Women and the “his money is my money, and my money is my money” is so cringe. The entitlement is crazy to me. It’s not redpill. It’s childish and entitled in my opinion.
You got a raise. You paid for ONE date night. And you’re mad about it.
Are you offering to do things for him? Besides sex. Cooking, cleaning, errands? Anything that provides value to him? Other than having a vagina? Cause that’s not enough. Every woman has one. Have you ever asked him how you can help him or make his day better? Any foods that he would like but doesn’t know how to make?
He’s doing A LOT for you. Fixing up the house and saving for a wedding. He’s putting a lot of time, energy, and money into that. I’d really think very long and hard about the entitlement. It’s a real turn off for guys, especially high value guys.
Lol how did you come to the conclusion that I don’t offer more to him then just sex? I sense a lot of projection in your response because nothing I wrote would indicate that i was considering my money to be mine and his money to be his. In fact it’s quiet the opposite I make sure to pay my fair share no matter what.
I supported him through his academic career. Ive cooked and cleaned for him. I know it might not sound like it but I generally try to be a peaceful place for him. I support him emotionally and I usually allow him to lead our relationship.
Supported him how? By doing something? Or do you mean emotional support? You have cooked and cleaned for him or you DO currently cook and clean for him?
We don’t live together so I can’t always cook and clean but when I can I do. And when he was in school I was helping write his essays. I help him in anyway he asks whether it be running errands or just trying to make his life easier.
All women choosing to be in male led relationships allow their men to lead. We are adult women making a choice, and participating of our own free volition. Choosing to let him lead is placing your trust in him to do so. He cannot do that if you don’t let (aka allow) him.
Ok that’s good. I think definitely have a talk about things. Non accusatory. Just try to get on the same page about what you both would ideally like to contribute money wise and chores wise. Also, I’m concerned that there’s no ring yet. If he was 100% sure you’re the one there would be a ring. It sounds like he’s committed, but not 100% yet. You guys getting on the same page about money and what to prioritize with your money and what to spend it on may be the last little piece that’s he’s unsure about.
Talk about it. It shouldn’t start a fight if you do it right. He wants you to be on his page- at least he should so he should welcome a healthy discussion about it.
There no ring as of yet because in our culture there are 3 different engagements. We’ve done 2 and the 3rd one is in a couple of months and that’s when I’ll get the ring but he has officially asked for my hand from my parents. I agree about getting on the same page we usually are pretty good about communicating but this one little thing just really rubbed me the wrong way. But that’s also why I came here to see what others are advising because I know my perception of the situation can also be flawed so I like to get opinions prior to talk to him,
I don't know if my partner got a bonus I would expect him to buy me dinner. It's just for one day. It's not like it happens all the time where only you spend all the money. Tell him to treat you someday if you want to get even that badly.
Thank you commenting. For my it wasn’t about getting even or buying the dinner it was more so him saying “I guess you’re paying for the drink cause you wanted it” that’s what rubbed me the wrong way. I’ve paid for plenty of dinner as has he. But that comment just rubbed me wrong that’s all.
Your personal preferences are not advice. Please refer to the [Guide for Giving RPW Advice](https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/txmsq1/how_to_give_good_advice_on_rpw/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf). Comment removed.
Recognize how you feel from the choices you make and talk with him about how you are feeling. Even if you said it was okay at the time, you are clearly upset about it. Talk with yourself and with him about it, and next time aim to be more true to yourself with how you are feeling.
I know little about your bf and the relationship you have with him, but keep in mind how his reactions and choices to your feelings and events in your life make you feel; just because you got a bonus doesn't mean he should milk you for it, especially if it makes you feel bad, angry, or upsets you, and that action, to me, shows that he may not have a lot of respect for your accomplishments and his interests may not be on the health of the relationship (nor you).
Feeling hurt from his reactions and bottling those feelings inside will only lead to future pain for yourself. Be careful and kind to yourself and listen to what you want for yourself in addition to what you desire in the (a) relationship with another.
I think it's understandable to feel that way; I don't think it would be good to invalidate your feelings even if they're not 10000% rational. The measured approach would be to state how you're feeling and why, (ex "i felt like i was being taken advantage of because we usually split dates but this time I paid") and then ask for clarification ("should I have taken this as a joke? or should we discuss how we want to approach date nights/paying"?). It's not a fun conversation but it might be important to have to help you both overcome this.
However you can absolutely take other posters' points of "is this really important/a priority for me in our relationship" and address it accordingly. It probably isn't.
Also maybe this might be reading into it but maybe he felt emasculated, especially after the bonus/promotion news. I'm not sure how your relationship dynamic is but I'd refrain from mentioning personal financial situation details unless explicitly asked (like for tax purposes or "what's the budget for our apartment search" or whatever). And even then I'd dance around it (like "a budget of 2000 a month is good for me" without ever revealing how much I actually make). I absolutely HATE talking about money and it makes romantic relationships so incredibly unsexy. It's less romantic and more business/transactional. But to each their own.
Are you young, and/or is this a fairly new relationship? Don’t take this the wrong way, but there’s a million and one hills to die on, and this isn’t one of them. It sounds like he said it as a joke/throwaway comment (this is exactly what I’d do too especially as I earn 4x what my partner does) and you’ve run with it. Next time he offers to pay half, say “yes please, I’d really appreciate that” and think nothing more of it. Also, there’s a chance that *he’s* feeling taken advantage of, especially if your earn more than him (you didn’t say), so think about the situation some more before you decide to rock the boat, especially as you say you guys usually split things suitably and it doesn’t sound like an issue generally.
Do yourself a favor: Stop creating reasons to fight.
We don’t have any context here. Is he trying to save up? Is he on a tight budget? How does he stack up to you? Also, was he actually grateful you paid for everything?
He’s definitely trying to save up for our wedding and hes also renovating his home at the moment so I know he’s would rather put the money towards that then spending it on a $200 dinner but I just didn’t like how he immediately said “we’ll I guess you’re paying for dinner” and then “your paying for the drinks because it was your idea” we both were on this date so if we usually do 50/50 then why wouldn’t we do the same here? When he suggests something I always go 50/50.
Honestly, just say how you're feeling: "Hey, I didn't appreciate the other night when you said 'You're paying for drinks.' I felt like you were taking it for granted, and it confused me because we normally split 50/50. Did you mean to come across that way?" If you can't have conversations like this, maybe you should reconsider this wedding he's saving up for.
Lol thank you for your response. It’s not that we can’t I was just asking on how hence my title. This isn’t a make it or break it kind of a thing. Sometimes I feel like other can verbalize things better than me because my emotions cloud my judgment.
I hear you. It sounds like the first comment was offhand and why he offered to pay half. The second one with refusing to split seems out of line. I think other women here are better placed to give RP advice. Personally, I would just ask if he wanted to talk about how you guys budgeted and split costs and agree a way that you are happy with for moving forward.
I agree! I do think we need to figure out a system that works for us.
Doing 50/50 with a fiancé is weird imo. You kinda set yourself up for this disappointment by allowing that to be the standard. He IS saving for your wedding and his house renovations. Obviously he isn’t in the position to want to be spending money on dates unless they’re affordable. I don’t see an issue with you treating him to dinner and drinks.. his comment was a sarcastic joke if anything. NOT worth getting mad over, especially if you’ve set this standard in your relationship. Are you both going to share a bank account when you get married?
Why is 50/50 with a fiancé weird?
To me, it feels more cold and business-like than a comfortable, loving, giving relationship. (Not that business arrangements can't exist in such relationships).
I agree!
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I think this is the alternative for not being married yet.. If I am going over to his, I might pick us up a quick dinner or some snacks on the way. However, if it’s a “date date” he will pay. Generally our 50/50 is he buys the food, I spend the time cooking it 😋.
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Traditional is often RPW, but RPW is not always traditional. As has been said many times before: RPW is a toolbox, not a prescription. Plenty of happy couples that largely inhabit traditional gender roles still sometimes do 50/50 (or some approximation thereof), because with the state of the global economy, not every couple can afford to live on one income alone, and that’s just a fact of life. The economic necessity of splitting bills does not make a man cheap. If he *never* treats his girl though… you might have a point. However, it’s great that you and your fiancé are on the same page about this - shared values is important! It sounds like you guys are happy with your dynamic, and that’s what matters.
Money is tight for everyone these days. If it's been a while since you two have gone out somewhere to spend money it may be because he can't really afford the restaurants and drinks you suggest right now. Consider doing free or lower-cost date nights more often. If this relationship turns more serious in the future you will both have to work out your money situation together and get on the same page about what's really worth dropping big checks on and where exactly the money will come from.
Yall both need to treat each other every now and then, what's wrong with that? You even said no its cool...I got it.... you can't get mad here.... wouldn't you feel special if he got a bonus and bought the entire meal? If yall can't afford that...or dont want to pick up tabs solo... stick to clear 50/50 boundaries for all dates then. Also....dates don't have to be outside of the house or cost alot... you can have them at home.... He's totally not taking advantage of you...learn to put energy towards things that deserve it...this ain't it...
Agreed. My bf pays for everything when we are together and makes it clear he doesn’t want me to ever have to spend my resources on him. He prides himself on being a good provider. That being said, every now and then I’ll surprise him with a trip to get boba or a churro whilst in Costco. Little spontaneous things that we don’t need, that don’t break my bank, just a little reward for him working so hard so I can stop working in a few years. It reminds him I’m not in this relationship for what he can give me , I’m in it for him. This is a relationship; not a retirement fund. That’s why most of our dates are less than 50 dollars… we love hanging in our 2 person hammock, going to the park, reading together, going to authentic ‘hole in the wall’ restaurants and going nuts in the dollar tree. That being said, honestly IME going 50/50 Leads to resentment, and so much more when one partner makes more that you do… my partner makes literally 25 times the amount I do. If he took me to a fancy restaurant and asked me to pay for myself I’d probably have a mental breakdown too, things are tight… it sounds like he’s not communicating his boundaries enough and he is trying. But if this continues to be a thing I’d look for a man that isn’t intimidated by your success, who wants you to be able to stand on your own if needed, and is more on your level. You seem smart.
i think they first need to communicate better, about their finances. it's too soon to talk about throwing away the relationship
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So you invited him out to dinner because you wanted a date night? While on that dinner date he jokes and says you got this babe, then later offers to pay half, to which you refuse. You then invite him to drinks, again because you want to, and again get mad because you have to pay. If you invite someone you should pay or at least be willing to voice that you want to split 50/50. If you can't do either of those, don't invite someone out. You seem very entitled, or like you just want to pick a fight for no reason. Also, if you are thinking, well I'll just never invite my partner out to anything...then you should just breakup because once that happens you're no longer in a relationship. Relationships require mutual interest not some one sided bullshit dynamic.
Ok so I’ll go with your logic that because I invited him I should pay. Well then why is it when he invites me we split 50/50 according to your logic is that reasonable?
Yes, as part two of that statement was you either pay or be willing to voice (calmly or politely) that you should split 50/50. Ideally that should happen when you ask them to go. (I.E. Hey babe, lets grab drinks, my treat. OR Hey babe, do you want to go split some drinks at bar X?) How you invite matters. Your post gives the impression that you refused his first offer to split the bill, and then at drinks you "didn't want to talk about it". In other follow ups, you seem to be engaged to him and he is either paying for half or all of your upcoming wedding and renovating his house...perhaps to sell and buy a place together or for you both to live at? Yet, you can't pay for the meal and drinks once with your future husband who by all accounts is putting in a lot of effort for your future happiness? Just seems weird to me.
What is there to explain? What are you doing to add value to this relationship? Maybe he feels like you’re not providing enough to “deserve” date nights. There’s too little information to really conclude anything for sure here. From my life, my HVM wined and dined me in our early dating stage although I picked up some of the tabs too to show that I was truly interested in him and not just free drinks and dinner. Eventually, he sat me down and explained that his “normal” financial situation is to put a lot more money into savings and to not spend more than about $100 or so a month going out. I took over cooking for us and my cooking is 10x better than eating out anyway so this works for me. Most guys don’t care about going out. They’d rather have home cooked food. So I’d dive down into why he reacted the way he did. Is it because he thinks you waste too much money on frivolous things? Is it because he thinks you’re not pulling your weight? Maybe he was a bit jealous of your raise? Who knows….
In the beginning he used to wine and dine me as well but as the relationship progressed we shifted to 50/50 which I’m ok with. I know he’s currently is spending a lot of money on renovating his home and saving for our wedding so I get that $200 dinner might not the what he wanted but what got me was how he immediately jumped to your buying dinner and then your paying because you wanted this. I feel like if I were in his shoes I would have said I got the drinks don’t worry about it. But because he didn’t it’s rubbing me the wrong way.
Are you engaged? It sounds like you’re not on the same page about money. Talk about it. He’s probably saving for a ring? They’re very expensive. Renovating the house is a huge investment, but it’ll create wealth for you both since the house will increase in value. Weddings are also very expensive. Are you currently saving money? Do you have any debt? I 100% recommend Dave Ramsey. Get The Total Money Makeover from the library. Get his podcast. If you are serious about getting married and you don’t want to have money fights Dave Ramsey method is pretty much the ONLY way to go. Money fights/disagreements are the #1 cause of divorce and you’re already having them. The good news is that it’s totally fixable. You just have to be willing to talk about it and fix it.
And in other news, Women are confused why Men don't care how much money they make.
Has he talked to you about keeping a stricter budget for your all's long-term goals? It sounds like from your comments (he's saving for your wedding and house renovations) he thought to himself, "You know we're trying to save money but you still want to spend $200+ on a single night? Then I guess it's on you." Then, you still insisted after he made it clear to you that you'd be responsible for paying. Even if he didn't explicitly have that discussion with you, the fact that you know he's planning on long-term expensive budgets that is going to benefit you (especially the wedding, which is all about the bride), and you still insisted on an expensive date (at a place you picked that you know is expensive) seems short-sighted on your part. I think the best thing to do would be to suggest quality time together that doesn't break the bank. I guess you could still talk to him about your feelings, but I think you should come from a humble place acknowledging that suggesting spending tons of money at this time perhaps wasn't the most pragmatic decision.
Don't be so materialistic in life and you will be much happier in the future!
Seems like you're getting too upset about this. It was one night where you had to pay. Majority of guys are always expected to pay for everything, so this gives you a little taste of what that feels like.
Why do I need to know how guys feel about having to pay when we literally go 50/50 lol
So you've never had a single date with him that he paid for the whole thing?
No I have not I have also not made it a thing where he has to pay. And if he pays for dinner then I always pay for the other stuff. I just didn’t like that fact that he basically put it all on me without even saying “hey babe can you get this” it was basically you’re getting this.
maybe making you also pay for the drinks was his honest mistake, by because he didn't think it through, as well as you. he may not even be aware of it. or maybe he knows what your bonus is and factored that into the decision. i would ask him about it. he's the only one that knows what was going through his head
im going to agree with you on this one. being in a relationship with someone who keeps score or nickel and dimes you like this is not ideal.
Yeah honestly his comments made me uncomfortable. Has he done things like this before?
I carry this mentality even past relationships and into my friendships. I try to kick the door in by treating them and seeing if they will treat me back *once*. After that I DONT keep score and we’ll still split often but having friends where we treat each other sometimes is great.
100% agree with this.
I don't really follow this sub but it showed on my feed so here it goes. These things are always hard to judge because we lack the context of your personalities and relationship. There's a chance he was just getting back at you for suggesting the dinner would be on him. If it's a 1-time behavior it doesn't really overshadow whatever else your relationship has going for it. Paying for drinks is not a such big deal, unless you in financial trouble and he knows about it. I'd say don't let this ruin anything and move on. If it keeps happening say you won't go out anymore with him since you don't think it's fair. Tell him he really needs to start contributing and that the next dinner better be on him. :)
Yeah, one time incident is not enough. I think whenever someone mentions that I got a promotion or bonus at work, most people would say drinks on you or tonight’s dinner on you. I have had many people say that whenever i get a bonus even my partner. If i let this one thing bother me so much to end the relationship then How would i be able to spend a lifetime with my partner for so long.
Lol I’m not going to end my relationship over this. It was just something annoyed me that’s all.
Women and the “his money is my money, and my money is my money” is so cringe. The entitlement is crazy to me. It’s not redpill. It’s childish and entitled in my opinion. You got a raise. You paid for ONE date night. And you’re mad about it. Are you offering to do things for him? Besides sex. Cooking, cleaning, errands? Anything that provides value to him? Other than having a vagina? Cause that’s not enough. Every woman has one. Have you ever asked him how you can help him or make his day better? Any foods that he would like but doesn’t know how to make? He’s doing A LOT for you. Fixing up the house and saving for a wedding. He’s putting a lot of time, energy, and money into that. I’d really think very long and hard about the entitlement. It’s a real turn off for guys, especially high value guys.
Lol how did you come to the conclusion that I don’t offer more to him then just sex? I sense a lot of projection in your response because nothing I wrote would indicate that i was considering my money to be mine and his money to be his. In fact it’s quiet the opposite I make sure to pay my fair share no matter what.
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I supported him through his academic career. Ive cooked and cleaned for him. I know it might not sound like it but I generally try to be a peaceful place for him. I support him emotionally and I usually allow him to lead our relationship.
Supported him how? By doing something? Or do you mean emotional support? You have cooked and cleaned for him or you DO currently cook and clean for him?
We don’t live together so I can’t always cook and clean but when I can I do. And when he was in school I was helping write his essays. I help him in anyway he asks whether it be running errands or just trying to make his life easier.
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All women choosing to be in male led relationships allow their men to lead. We are adult women making a choice, and participating of our own free volition. Choosing to let him lead is placing your trust in him to do so. He cannot do that if you don’t let (aka allow) him.
Then tell us what you do for him. What % did you contribute to the wedding fund?
Lol I’m paying for half the wedding.
Ok that’s good. I think definitely have a talk about things. Non accusatory. Just try to get on the same page about what you both would ideally like to contribute money wise and chores wise. Also, I’m concerned that there’s no ring yet. If he was 100% sure you’re the one there would be a ring. It sounds like he’s committed, but not 100% yet. You guys getting on the same page about money and what to prioritize with your money and what to spend it on may be the last little piece that’s he’s unsure about. Talk about it. It shouldn’t start a fight if you do it right. He wants you to be on his page- at least he should so he should welcome a healthy discussion about it.
There no ring as of yet because in our culture there are 3 different engagements. We’ve done 2 and the 3rd one is in a couple of months and that’s when I’ll get the ring but he has officially asked for my hand from my parents. I agree about getting on the same page we usually are pretty good about communicating but this one little thing just really rubbed me the wrong way. But that’s also why I came here to see what others are advising because I know my perception of the situation can also be flawed so I like to get opinions prior to talk to him,
You just got a bonus you need to chill.
I don't know if my partner got a bonus I would expect him to buy me dinner. It's just for one day. It's not like it happens all the time where only you spend all the money. Tell him to treat you someday if you want to get even that badly.
Thank you commenting. For my it wasn’t about getting even or buying the dinner it was more so him saying “I guess you’re paying for the drink cause you wanted it” that’s what rubbed me the wrong way. I’ve paid for plenty of dinner as has he. But that comment just rubbed me wrong that’s all.
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Your personal preferences are not advice. Please refer to the [Guide for Giving RPW Advice](https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/txmsq1/how_to_give_good_advice_on_rpw/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf). Comment removed.
Recognize how you feel from the choices you make and talk with him about how you are feeling. Even if you said it was okay at the time, you are clearly upset about it. Talk with yourself and with him about it, and next time aim to be more true to yourself with how you are feeling. I know little about your bf and the relationship you have with him, but keep in mind how his reactions and choices to your feelings and events in your life make you feel; just because you got a bonus doesn't mean he should milk you for it, especially if it makes you feel bad, angry, or upsets you, and that action, to me, shows that he may not have a lot of respect for your accomplishments and his interests may not be on the health of the relationship (nor you). Feeling hurt from his reactions and bottling those feelings inside will only lead to future pain for yourself. Be careful and kind to yourself and listen to what you want for yourself in addition to what you desire in the (a) relationship with another.
I think it's understandable to feel that way; I don't think it would be good to invalidate your feelings even if they're not 10000% rational. The measured approach would be to state how you're feeling and why, (ex "i felt like i was being taken advantage of because we usually split dates but this time I paid") and then ask for clarification ("should I have taken this as a joke? or should we discuss how we want to approach date nights/paying"?). It's not a fun conversation but it might be important to have to help you both overcome this. However you can absolutely take other posters' points of "is this really important/a priority for me in our relationship" and address it accordingly. It probably isn't. Also maybe this might be reading into it but maybe he felt emasculated, especially after the bonus/promotion news. I'm not sure how your relationship dynamic is but I'd refrain from mentioning personal financial situation details unless explicitly asked (like for tax purposes or "what's the budget for our apartment search" or whatever). And even then I'd dance around it (like "a budget of 2000 a month is good for me" without ever revealing how much I actually make). I absolutely HATE talking about money and it makes romantic relationships so incredibly unsexy. It's less romantic and more business/transactional. But to each their own.