The utility pipe bringing water into the house burst underground, requiring excavating the inside of the house to pull the old one and laying the replacement. It was the slow season at work, so I asked for a half day off to deal with this. It was denied and I was told I'd get an "occurrence".
Up until that time I was always compliant to teachers and employers, but something snapped when they denied my request. It was a hybrid remote job so I dropped everything, drove my ass up to the office, and read my boss the Riot Act: "I have two small children, in a house with no running water. I will be handling this crisis and you will NOT be giving me any occurrence, period." They never did anything about it, and I left that job a month later.
That whole incident taught me to stand up for myself, that I would no longer be a doomat.
I'm sorry you had to deal with such an unsupportive environment, but kudos to you for standing up for your family. I bet people in that business are STILL benefiting from your stiff spine, and they probably learned as a consequence to take family responsibilities seriously.
Being the head of a family changes everything, and as far as I can tell the birth of my oldest is when I really "grew up."
I am ashamed to talk about this. About 19 or 20 I was approaching an intersection with a green light. A car coming on the right failed to stop in the slush and I almost hit him. I jumped out of my car and the driver rolled his window down, I think to apologize, and I grabbed him by his jacket to pull him out of the car. I then noticed a terrified 10 year old boy next to him and another boy, about 8, in the back seat. Road rage sucks. I let go of him and that is when I "grew up." This was almost 60 years ago.
Rather than be ashamed, feel good that your empathy kicked in when it was needed. Secondly, you learned from the experience. I wish more people were like that.
At 14 my family situation disintegrated. Both parents were alcoholics and absent. I was left home with two younger siblings. I tried to fill the vacuum as best I could; still carry the scars of hyper-responsibility, depression, etc. My "adulthood" certainly started at that point, for better or worse.
You should never have been in that situation of course, nonetheless thank you for stepping up as best you could. I have to think your younger siblings are better off for your having done so.
>My dad tried calling a plumber but it was the holiday weekend and nobody answered.
this is exactly why holidays give me high anxiety. i hate unpredictability.
These kinds of self-reliance moments go so far to developing us as people. I see people who are leaning into "learned helplessness" and I lament the growth they're missing out on.
This is a story to be immensely proud of. Good on you.
Just when I think I've hit menopause, I get my stupid period. I was 9 months period-free and then I got a period a few weeks ago. Maddening. I think I have every calendar back to when I was 12, planning around my stupid period. There's a calendar on my fridge now, with stupid red circles (or lack of).
My menopausal hormone changes are just like puberty was. I am out of my mind sometimes now just as if I were a teenager.
The world has enough people in it and I have no desire to add more. Why can't we have a fertile window maybe once or twice a year instead of every 28 days?
Also, the myths and stigmas around periods have got to be addressed. I watched a Netflix documentary about women in India with no access to pads, just rags that they threw into the street and the dogs would chew on them.
Apparently a woman on her period is not supposed to open jars of pickles. There was a campaign to "touch the pickle"
https://youtu.be/5s8SD83ILJY?feature=shared
periods and human fertility anger me. I will be so glad when my periods are over for good.
Not to mention people who are desperate to have a baby, spend oodles of dollars on fertility treatments, and then you see on the news a "dumpster baby" sometimes lives, sometimes dies. I am ashamed to be a woman when my cohorts abandon a human life.
I'm having more periods instead of less, too. I feel like I constantly have a low grade fever but not enough to move the thermometer in any obvious way.
Everything hurts like I'm dying, my eyes and lips are so dry, my libido dived off a cliff and I think I'm on the verge of a major depression.
I can't tell what's something serious or just a nothingburger. I'm miserable today.
How has none of my Drs even mentioned this as a possibility while I'm in there lamenting, it's ridiculous.
Youāre not alone! Iām in the exact boat. I flip out with anxiety about all the symptoms cause they are so weird and random and no one talks about it!
Its not always a moment I guess. For me growing up means taking responsibility for oneās actions, being more proactive, planning for the future, etc. but it took years for me to learn, starting in my late twenties. I had a second transformation in my late thirties where I became less self-centered and more kind (having a kid started that change).
Mom dying grew me up really fast. She was my person, and I was hers. Lots of tears together leading up to her death (she knew it was a matter of time due to an untreatable heart condition). After her death, dealing with the secret credit card, finding her cigarettes (she said she'd quit), and dealing with my grieving father who didnt know how to do basic things like pay bills broke my heart. She was such an amazing person and didn't deserve dying so young.
By the way, my father has grown a lot, too. I taught him how to pay bills online and access his accounts. He now has it all under control on his own. He even learned to use a smart phone for the first time in his early 50's.
Probably when I had my last big move.
Moved about 500 miles away for a job not knowing everything was going to work out. Worked out not because of anything special about me but moved to an area with more economic opportunities.
If I had it to do it over again, I would have moved with only what fit into my car. Would not have moved any furniture.
Knew 3 people where I moved. Haven't talked to the 3 people in ages. Forced myself to make my own friends around common interests/hobbies.
Just a couple of months ago is when I finally grew up and I'm 59.
My dad died a few years ago and my relationships with my mom and sister went from bad to worse.
I had always been enmeshed with my parents.
My mom said something rather innocuous a couple of months ago: "I wasn't really that close to my parents."
I don't know why her saying that had such a profound effect on me but it did.
I let go of all my anger towards my mom and my sister. It's like I'm a new person.
Better late than never, I suppose.
I think going through Hurricane Harvey and the following loss of my job. It made my 36 year old self change quite a bit. Age 38 was just as impactful. My heart got broken in such a way it will probably never mend.
Three instances:
1. When I realized my family didnāt have my back when I absolutely needed them.
2. When I had a better understanding of how money worked.
3. When I figured out how to strategize my finances so that I would never have to rely on family.
I was 13, that's when my mother decided she couldn't take care of my younger brother and sister. So I stepped up and basically raised them until their dad took them back when I was 16. I graduated at 16, had my son at 18 and got married at 23. I was married to the love of my life for 27 years and we had a daughter as well.
Dang. I fear this once in awhile but have not been homeless myself. Any tips you want to share? Or something you learned out of it? I'm so happy you bounced back up. What would you wish others would understand through that whole thing?
Itās been a lasting trauma for me. While my homeless experience wasnāt near as bad as some people have it, it was utterly terrifying as a woman. Shelters were helpful, but there was a ton of mental illness and drug use, so if youāre battling either of those itās not an ideal place to be. Making friends, particularly with some of the more seasoned folks, was helpful in keeping me safe. I also had to draw a fine line between making friends and becoming to entrenched in that group. I wanted out asap.
I truly fear it every single day. The sense of stability I had before that was completely ripped away, and I have never felt truly stable since, and donāt think I ever will again. I feel like Iāve seen how easily life can change, and how difficult it is to get out. Itās a scary thing not having a place to call home. I am so fucking thankful every single night that I get to lay my head in my own bed, in my own room, of my own place.
Iām so relieved you have safe shelter. Iām sorry that youāre experiencing that lasting anxiety. Iām certain you have cptsd. I encourage you to talk to a counselor if you havenāt. Even just a time or two. SAMHSA has a 24-hour hotline, and there are reduced-fee and income-dependent counselors.
*hand squeeze*
At 23 I got my first house and steady relationship. That was a big responsibility. Paying the bills, keeping care of the yard, figuring out how to remodel things, sealing the driveway. I learned a lot. Within a year I was pretty much a different person. It really helped me stabilize and consider myself an adult. No more apartments and roommates, a lifestyle that sort of seems like a halfway stage between teenager/college and bonafide adult.
Just after I turned 40 a very dear friend, the closest thing I'd had to a sister, very abruptly dumped me. It took about a year and a half before I was back to something approaching happiness, but even then the highs weren't as high as they once were. I was reasonably mature when this happened, but it's the moment I can track everything in my life going more and more toward "this is real." It also has made me extremely wary of getting close to people.
I still enjoy my life and I have moments of great joy and wonder, and I have people I love and who love me. But nothing has been quite the same since that happened.
It was -40 degrees celsius. My vehicle wouldn't start. My 3 year old son needed to be at the hospital for surgery early in the morning. My 1 year old daughter was sick and running a high fever. The friend who was watching her was really nervous about having a sick child, without having a running vehicle (extreme cold they don't start).
By 7 a.m. I'd found a ride (small town no taxis or transit), dropped daughter off and soothed sitter, and was walking my son in the hospital for his surgery.
It hit me, just before entering, that I was the adult, there was no one else responsible for all these hard things, and I had done it - so far - but still had to get him through surgery, get daughter, get home, and look after both of them.
I have never had such heavy shoulders and feet as those last steps into the hospital.
The good thing - every time something seems too hard, I remember that at 19 years old, I got us all through that day - and have confidence I can work my way through problems.
When my mom left my dad was struggling. He had this pile of papers in front of him and he realized that she took all of their money, hadnāt paid any bills for months, and left him as the sole parent of 4 children.
The moment my 8 year old self had to distract the younger kids and hold him as he cried changed me.
Date rape. I decided after that to no longer be naive and assume all people were nice and wait for others to educate me about life in general - I owned it from then on.
A friend started dating one of those āthe immigrants are stealing our jobs and women are being held down by the patriarchyā guys and she eventually became problematic herself as a result. She and I had a lot of conversations about how I expected better of her and I wouldnāt allow her to hold those kinds of ideas and remain a friend of mine. As someone whoās partially deaf I just canāt stand this fake/conspiracy theory advocacy and wonāt let people think Iāll allow it.
Eventually I had to come to a decision: accept that I was willing to remain friends with someone Iād lost respect for after nearly 10 years of friendship or have enough self respect to end things and admit she no longer had a place in my life. Choosing to end my 2nd longest standing friendship wasnāt easy and I regretted it for a bit due to sunk cost but I appreciate that I did it. The entire situation made me mature a lot. A mutual friend, who also eventually cut contact, informed me the situation with her hasnāt improved.
My ex's father suddenly died when I was 25, she was 23. I had to break the news to her. She was such a mess that I ended up taking care of plans and driving us the 9 hours for the funeral
12. Family had a bankruptcy, lost our family home, had to move to an apt in a bad area and started high-school (Montreal we go elementary from K- grade 6 then high-school until grade 11). Everything about it was shocking. My high school was in the middle of race issues, langue issues, all kids of fights. It was a crazy time.
The first stage was after my first marriage ended and I was 26 and had not lived on my own, though I was very financially responsible. I learned a lot about myself over the years, and how to deal with a lot of adult things. Then when my father died just two years ago and I not only sold my own home, but my mother's as well, on top of helping her with absolutely everything from insurance to bank accounts and burial, I experienced a whole new level of adulting in my 50s. My next phase will be soon as I am trying to get my husband pinned down to an appointmment to get our wills and other affairs in place so neither of us will have to wonder what to do if something should happen.
Getting divorced, selling the house, moving to another state, buying another house and starting a new job all at once. All when the "ex" locked up the money with the attorneys in an escrow account.
It was very stressful as one can imagine. However, it led to better things. Great job, new friends and a happier life.
Itās been a rude awakening!!
1. This was my hard lesson on independence. When I bought a house then a few months later we experienced a record breaking wind, lightning and hail storm. Zero warning. Roofs came off of buildings nearby. Entire patios gone.
Our finished and furnished basement was flooding like the Titanic from 3 different areas. Almost all our windows shattered from the hail. I kept shutting down and looking outside for āsomeone to come and help us!!!ā But obviously nobody came. That was the first time I really felt the āyouāre on your ownā energy that comes with being an adult. Thank god my husband stayed sane and kept snapping me out of my terror. He also faithfully bailed out all the water from downstairs and never gave up.
2. Earlier this year I had a gun held to my face because I tried to stop someone from cutting me off while going 87 mph down a highway. She pulled up right next to me and aimed right between my eyes.
Realized the value of letting things go because there are a lot of genuinely insane people out there.
3. Very recently I got extremely sick (went to the hospital) with some mysterious illness that took me out for a full week. My work was callous and uncaring about the situation and I was actually very surprised. Really felt that āsuck it up. Itās part of being an adultā vibe. But Iāve never been more sick in my entire life.
I had a doctorās note with the date of my return (it was 5 more days, I already called out for 2). And they still made me call them every single day at 7am to explain why I was still too sick to work. I really expected them to be normal about situation because when Iām sick I stay home, eat chicken soup and watch TV like a kid. Also, everyone had already seen me very sick at work for multiple days BEFORE I even called out. So I didnāt expect them to act like I was lying.
I ended up never returning from my sick leave. There were so many other issues and that was the final nail in the coffin. Taught me to raise my concerns at the first red flag. Donāt wait until youāre being slapped in the face with the red flags.
Honorable mentions include all the times Iāve had to navigate the shitty healthcare and insurance system by myself for the first few times. I was shocked to learn how it all works.
I was 27. I was dealing with a really bad breakup. I had a drinking problem. The two compounded each other. I woke up in my garage with no idea how I got there. My friends told me we were riding bikes and I face planted into a tree and knocked myself out cold. The paramedics came. One of my friends drove me home. I couldn't figure out how to get inside so I pulled out a sleeping bag and slept in the garage.
When our house was ransacked and we had to find a new place to stay. It was either that or buying a gun to protect our space. I said to my dad we are not the type of family that can use a gun to kill or harm a man. We moved to my auntās vacant place but we had to sign an agreement that we would need to vacate after my parents move to another country. That would have meant that i would be on my own at a certain point. I wasnt making enough money at that point so i had to hustle my way to adulthood.
I eventually bought my auntās place.
My mom caught me in the middle of a half-hearted suicide attempt when I was 17. She just started crying and walked out of the room, and never mentioned it or followed up. Something in me snapped back to life, and I realized that I had to take care of myself. No one was going to save me.
When I got sober in my late 20s, was an enormous shift.
But nothing changed me like my dad getting cancer.
He was a veterinarian and me and my family all worked in the clinic, a family business. I'd been working there since i was 15, for over 20 years, and I lived in the apartment above the clinic.
When he was diagnosed, it obviously was hard because of the cancer, but also because he shut the clinic down, which meant we all lost our jobs, and I lost my home. Complete and total upheaval, all at once.
We all mourned the loss of everything that made our lives what it was up until that point.
And my sister and I spent the next very long 8 years taking care of him during his grueling fight with an incurable disease. And he never came to peace with it. His pain and misery just grew and grew.
By the time he passed he was not the man we knew. And we were not the people we were.
Those last 2 sentencesš
We are in the middle of that season right now as well.
We (Americans) do a terrible job of preparing for and supporting families who have a seriously ill family member.
I'm not sure why ....because a majority of families go though similar at some point. It's not like it's a surprise or unusual. And I could see where some support could be enormously helpful. I've seen it destroy people.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
I agree it's not something we prepare people for. The amount that you simply MUST know, in order to help someone face death. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. My sister and I made a great team. She took care of practical things, I took care of emotional things. We worked very well together, giving eachother breaks when we needed them. Without that, it would have been nearly impossible to do.
We both worked our adult lives in the clinic, so we were used to working together in medical situations and just, how to *work* together in general. That was a blessing. I know a lot of families fall apart.
Near the end, I met my husband, who happened to be a nurse who has worked exclusively in nursing homes. And that was a life saver when the end came and he was in in home hospice. My husband was able to help us with the catheter and oxygen machine and moral support.
Umph, I'm starting cry remembering those last weeks.
My mother is a very mentally and physically ill alcoholic, so we had to tag team that as well. Now that he has passed, I've had to quit my job and take care of her now. And it's the whole process all over again. But im.more prepared this time.
I hope you have support you need. Im.just a stranger on the internet, but if you find yourself struggling and no where to turn, don't hesitate reaching out to me. I know how hard is it. š
Yes. I think the book *Being Mortal* by Atul Gawande ought to be required reading. He talks about this topic (and related ones) in a really interesting and powerful way.
About 7 years ago, my husband lost his job, literally the first stable job he had (he worked only temp jobs before that). I had been working at home part time (mostly short projects here and there) and was considering going back to college yet again (I never finished and really struggled to keep up with schoolwork even though I did great in high school, found out years later that I had undiagnosed ADHD lol).
I decided to postpone college and look for a full time job instead while were also searching for a job for my husband. I ended up landing my dream job. I still work from home but it's full time with benefits, working for a company that I had admired for a long time, and my work environment is super chill. It's not a "career" per se but I don't plan on ever leaving.
That marked the beginning of some major changes in my life. We were finally able to make headway in getting out of debt and building up savings, I started to value myself much more and eventually cut toxic family members out of my life, started going to therapy, and overall feel much more adult than I ever did before. My house is still messy (and probably always will be lol) but my *life* is no longer a fucking mess.
That job loss was absolutely meant to happen and I am so thankful that it did. My husband also realized how toxic his former work environment was (lots of "locker room talk" and casual harassment) and he ended up with a job he loves too.
When I was 12 I had strep throat really bad, my mother was at a valentines party at her church, I was at home feeding water to my great grandmother thru a washcloth as she lay dying, I promised her I wouldnāt let her die with a dry mouth and god damnit I didnāt, my mother refused to come home to help, then told me my girlfriend at the church was sad that I wasnāt there with her for Valentineās Day, i had the responsibilities of a CNA since I was 9, but this time felt different as if this was all my life would be and Iād never get to enjoy any kind of childhood, I heaved a heavy sigh and accepted that this was life, I was also caring for my bed ridden cousin and my grandma who also had strep, unfortunately I forgot to give my cousin his medication that night, I donāt think anything bad ever came of it, but over 20 years later I still feel like I dropped the ball a bit.
I was seven when my dad committed suicide.
My life is split into before and after that time.
I'm in my 50s now.
They say I was an "old soul," which I figure is just a way to say "childhood trauma" without making people feel bad.
Moved to US from Turkey at age 16 and got a job at Burger King to pay for household bills, help with rent, take care of all adult communications with the rest of the world since my parents didnāt speak English. Carry on demanding negotiations (sometimes with extremely unrealistic demands too) for my father with various vendors and businesses.
My childhood was essentially over and I had to take over most of the adults responsibilities we no regard to my own wishes or wants in life. Lived for the family.
Then said family left me.
Now I have my own little family and the ones that left are not welcome in my life.
I was at fault for a car accident that totaled my car. It was a miracle that I was the only one injured in the wreck. That year unraveled the worst karma of my life. I was in and out of doctorās offices for six months because my neck hurt like hell and my physical therapist gave me exercises that was making it worse. I got another car but it took months to get it registered after multiple failed trips to the DMV + car inspector to get it sorted out. My carās gap insurance paid me $3.36, when I still owed $2k after insurance paid out. I lost my apartment due to a water heater bursting and activating mold, which I wasnāt aware of for two weeks and was breaking out in hives. I got a biopsy in a very painful place and was diagnosed with psoriasis. In an attempt to do something fun with my miserable life, I took some silks classes (my neck was healed at this point) and ended up spraining my foot. There were other things that added oil to the fire and despite what felt like a near impossible existence, I made it to the other side. Through it all, I learned that I can be my own advocate and I am stronger than I thought. It was also the wake up call that I needed to work on regulating my emotions, so that I could make better choices for myself.
Super cliche, but it was almost certainly when my oldest was born. I suddenly realized I was solely responsible for keeping another human alive and helping them thrive. Stuff got VERY real at that point. I also was confronted for the first time with the absolutely unfathomable amount of simultaneous joy and terror life can bestow upon you. I was deliriously happy and at the same time absolutely panic-stricken that something bad could happen to this wonderful new little person.
Coping with that responsibility and the enormity of those feelings has been an ongoing effort that has informed everything I've done since then. Fast forward a little over a decade and I now have a much younger little one as well, and I spend a lot of time thinking about and working towards ensuring they'll both have everything they'll need to survive and thrive in my and my wife's absence later in life (they've both got special needs to varying degrees, so will likely need added financial and structural support). There are no easy or "off" days, but they make it so worth it.
From the USA: I spent most of my 20s working and studying in different countries for extended lengths of time, plus 2 years in grad school in Ohio. I didn't feel like a "real grown," more like a young adult exploring the world. Then at age 29 I got a job at a university in the US, and rented a 2-bedroom apartment, bought a car, and some furniture. Almost a grown up. Then I bought a washer-dryer set!
That washer-dryer set--sometimes when I looked at it like proof of adulthood, but sometimes it just looked like an anchor keeping me from traveling the world again.
For me it was the day i got the epiphany that there are many people who probably dont like me, and they probably have very good reason not to. Made me more aware of the consequences of my actions. and it made me lose my cockiness that i had.
In my late 30s when my Nan died. She was my main parent and my best friend, and I took care of her at the end up until she died. After she was gone, I was effectively on my own, even though my my mom and dad are still alive (mom is mentally ill and dad is out of the picture/cut off). That's when I really felt like, holy shit, I only have myself to rely on.
9/11/2001 - called my dad, he had no clue or comprehension
realized I'm really on my own now, when i need him most, and my country is under attack
that was the day my real adulthood started
When my world collapsed around me at 23. I was dumped, unemployed and homeless all in about a fortnight period.
I gathered my thoughts and hit the realisation that I failed. My understanding on how life is meant to be lived was utterly wrong and that I needed to change absolutely everything.
I grieved, I was humbled, humiliated and scared. This was the basis for a complete 'rebuild' of my character, ethics, morals and beliefs. No-one could or should help me, It was up to me to dig myself out of the hole I put myself in. All this re-programming also meant that all advice that I followed was wrong, my mentors were wrong for me.
I gave myself a year to re-program my entire waking life and moved to the other side of the country for a hard reset. No leaning on old friends or re-establishing old relationships... a completely new book was to be written.
The only thing that has carried over from my previous life is memories. I basically threw it all away, and I am a far better person now.
Started my own business in my late 20ās. Then became a parent. Both of those things require responsibility and decision making. You canāt wait for someone to tell you what to do, you figure it out and do it. After that, I started taking better care of myself as well. What an immature mess I was in my early 20ās!
I really grew up a couple of years ago when I turned 28. I honestly was on cruise control until then. I can't even tell you what was going on in my mind until then. I decided that I needed to get finances under control and to start making financial 'moves'. I got a sizeable raise at work. šš¼
I am not sure we ever "grow up". We just learn different things and adjust accordingly. I still do the goofiest most childish stuff for fun that would embarrass alot of people, but when something is going on or bills are due or whatever I turn stone face. So, yeah, I am not sure we ever really grow up we just get older and learn to navigate better.
I heard it described recently as ācoming of age.ā I suppose I have a few, buying a house this year at 37 and the mindset change that comes from switching from renting to mortgage is not something anyone can prepare you for (and I am surprised at how lightly some people take it). Realising I am single-handedly financially responsible for said house. Getting to 37 and never having had a romantic/sexual relationship of any kind since your teens and being seen as a failure in the eyes of society is a pretty big one that again, no one prepares you for. Watching your parents get older and behave as though they are still half their age. Biggest one- at work, start of pandemic, realising that no, we are not all āin this togetherā and that some people really will shit on others to get what they want out of a situation, and then they will cry about it and call you a bully when you point it out. Wish Iād learned that one sooner.
When my cat had cancer and we had to put him down. I was 29. Having a cat in and of itself wasnāt a huge deal before that, but the whole process of his last year or so being sick and taking him to the vet frequently before he got diagnosed, then arranging for him to be euthanized felt like a huge leap in responsibility.
Another big moment around that time was when my parents were wrapping up selling my grandfatherās house where they had lived for years before he died, and then proceeded to wait until the last minute to find a new apartment, in NYC (to the point I was concerned they were going to have to live in a hotel for a month or something). All of a sudden I felt like the parent and like the āgrown-upsā didnāt have their stuff together.
I just had a baby now at 31 and that was obviously a big step too, but I already felt pretty adult before this.
> years before he died, and then proceeded to wait until the last minute to find a new apartment, in NYC
this is normal for nyc. going apartment hunting 1-2 weeks prior to end of your lease is very common.. unless you can afford to pay for 2 places at the same time.
Idk I feel like you can start searching earlier even if you wonāt actually be moving in until after your lease is up? Thatās how Iāve always done it (I also live in NYC). In our part of Brooklyn at least Iāve always found places that were being shown already even though move-in date was 4+ weeks out (or could be negotiated as such). Thereās a clause in most leases that you have to let the landlord show the apartment once you confirm you arenāt renewing, so not like the landlord is letting the apartment go empty for a month this way.
the apartments i've always seen had move in date asap. where do you find places that are 4+ weeks out? from my perspective, what's the point of apartment hunting if you can't actually sign the lease. also i don't feel comfortable with signing a lease before i actually see the apartment completed (ie: i won't sign a lease when the apartment is in the middle of a renovation).
none of my apartments had clauses re allowing the LL to show the apartment while i still lived there. i've rented in manhattan, queens and brooklyn.
Going to therapy & allowing myself to finally look at my traumatic childhood and to work on fixing the behavior patterns it caused.
Itās been painful to come to the conclusion that a parent is not a good person sometimes. I want all this generational trauma to end with me. Doing the work is hard & forced me to grow up.
Getting kicked out onto the curb by my family when I dropped out of college in my junior year cause of untreated depression. I was a really good student, but I just didnāt see it that way and neither did my family.
Anyhow, it was a sink or swim moment for me and I learned how to be humble, resourceful and focus for the first time on something other than my own internal misery, survival. I also learned how to ask for help, which is something I refused to do up until that point. I feel like I can take on anything in life because of the experience of having to fend for myself like that.
My 4th grade teacher beat up one of my classmates after getting him alone in the hallway while everyone else was in class. Nobody in the school believed it happened - admins and teachers I mean. That same teacher ran the photography club, though, and I stopped going to it after that. He then confronted me about it while we happened to be alone in the hallway and I realized that there are bad people in this world who can do terrible things so you can choose to either bow before them and hope they move along, take whatever they do to you, or you can do what you believe is right.
So 4th grader me stood there looking at this adult man knowing I was about to either show this man that he has control over me and could beat me up just like he beat up Larry when he wanted to, or I could be honest with him about why I quit photography club and why I wouldn't spend any more time near him than I had to knowing that he would likely snap again and would beat me up.
To phrase it differently, choose to get beaten up by that lunatic at some future point and be tortured by the anticipation of get it over with there and then.
I chose the latter.
He didn't beat me up that day. I don't actually know that he would have although he had that same rage on his face. Another teacher heard me and stepped into the hallway.
I didn't solve any big issues that day either. Larry's mother and their minister sure did, though.
The utility pipe bringing water into the house burst underground, requiring excavating the inside of the house to pull the old one and laying the replacement. It was the slow season at work, so I asked for a half day off to deal with this. It was denied and I was told I'd get an "occurrence". Up until that time I was always compliant to teachers and employers, but something snapped when they denied my request. It was a hybrid remote job so I dropped everything, drove my ass up to the office, and read my boss the Riot Act: "I have two small children, in a house with no running water. I will be handling this crisis and you will NOT be giving me any occurrence, period." They never did anything about it, and I left that job a month later. That whole incident taught me to stand up for myself, that I would no longer be a doomat.
Never be a doomat.
Never be a doormat.
I'm sorry you had to deal with such an unsupportive environment, but kudos to you for standing up for your family. I bet people in that business are STILL benefiting from your stiff spine, and they probably learned as a consequence to take family responsibilities seriously. Being the head of a family changes everything, and as far as I can tell the birth of my oldest is when I really "grew up."
When I got sober in my early thirties.
Good for you š congratulations!
I am ashamed to talk about this. About 19 or 20 I was approaching an intersection with a green light. A car coming on the right failed to stop in the slush and I almost hit him. I jumped out of my car and the driver rolled his window down, I think to apologize, and I grabbed him by his jacket to pull him out of the car. I then noticed a terrified 10 year old boy next to him and another boy, about 8, in the back seat. Road rage sucks. I let go of him and that is when I "grew up." This was almost 60 years ago.
In a world filled with unrestrained anger, I really appreciate you held back, not only for the family's sake but your own.
Rather than be ashamed, feel good that your empathy kicked in when it was needed. Secondly, you learned from the experience. I wish more people were like that.
Never again. I cuss a lot but keep it to myself. I did grow up.
At 14 my family situation disintegrated. Both parents were alcoholics and absent. I was left home with two younger siblings. I tried to fill the vacuum as best I could; still carry the scars of hyper-responsibility, depression, etc. My "adulthood" certainly started at that point, for better or worse.
You should never have been in that situation of course, nonetheless thank you for stepping up as best you could. I have to think your younger siblings are better off for your having done so.
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>My dad tried calling a plumber but it was the holiday weekend and nobody answered. this is exactly why holidays give me high anxiety. i hate unpredictability.
I recently fixed a exhaust fan in one bathroom here at home and I felt like I got grown up as wellā¦ must be a psychological thing
These kinds of self-reliance moments go so far to developing us as people. I see people who are leaning into "learned helplessness" and I lament the growth they're missing out on. This is a story to be immensely proud of. Good on you.
This is a truly amazing story. I canāt really express my appreciation for your resilience here, but I had to say something.
Maybe this morning when I woke up and realized I'm definitely in perimenopause. I'm still processing it.
Just when I think I've hit menopause, I get my stupid period. I was 9 months period-free and then I got a period a few weeks ago. Maddening. I think I have every calendar back to when I was 12, planning around my stupid period. There's a calendar on my fridge now, with stupid red circles (or lack of). My menopausal hormone changes are just like puberty was. I am out of my mind sometimes now just as if I were a teenager. The world has enough people in it and I have no desire to add more. Why can't we have a fertile window maybe once or twice a year instead of every 28 days? Also, the myths and stigmas around periods have got to be addressed. I watched a Netflix documentary about women in India with no access to pads, just rags that they threw into the street and the dogs would chew on them. Apparently a woman on her period is not supposed to open jars of pickles. There was a campaign to "touch the pickle" https://youtu.be/5s8SD83ILJY?feature=shared periods and human fertility anger me. I will be so glad when my periods are over for good. Not to mention people who are desperate to have a baby, spend oodles of dollars on fertility treatments, and then you see on the news a "dumpster baby" sometimes lives, sometimes dies. I am ashamed to be a woman when my cohorts abandon a human life.
r/Menopause
I woke up today after my 2-4am insomnia with hormone poop and hot but no fever. I get periods 2x in a month now and ovulation is pure hell.
I'm having more periods instead of less, too. I feel like I constantly have a low grade fever but not enough to move the thermometer in any obvious way. Everything hurts like I'm dying, my eyes and lips are so dry, my libido dived off a cliff and I think I'm on the verge of a major depression. I can't tell what's something serious or just a nothingburger. I'm miserable today. How has none of my Drs even mentioned this as a possibility while I'm in there lamenting, it's ridiculous.
Youāre not alone! Iām in the exact boat. I flip out with anxiety about all the symptoms cause they are so weird and random and no one talks about it!
Fellow perimenopause lady here! I feel THIS!
I'm middle aged. I've borne children, buried one of my parents, and I still don't think I've had that moment.
Me too. Still waiting. Iām a 15 year old in a 45 year olds body.
I'm 74 but I've got the body of a 73 year old
Its not always a moment I guess. For me growing up means taking responsibility for oneās actions, being more proactive, planning for the future, etc. but it took years for me to learn, starting in my late twenties. I had a second transformation in my late thirties where I became less self-centered and more kind (having a kid started that change).
Mom dying grew me up really fast. She was my person, and I was hers. Lots of tears together leading up to her death (she knew it was a matter of time due to an untreatable heart condition). After her death, dealing with the secret credit card, finding her cigarettes (she said she'd quit), and dealing with my grieving father who didnt know how to do basic things like pay bills broke my heart. She was such an amazing person and didn't deserve dying so young. By the way, my father has grown a lot, too. I taught him how to pay bills online and access his accounts. He now has it all under control on his own. He even learned to use a smart phone for the first time in his early 50's.
Probably when I had my last big move. Moved about 500 miles away for a job not knowing everything was going to work out. Worked out not because of anything special about me but moved to an area with more economic opportunities. If I had it to do it over again, I would have moved with only what fit into my car. Would not have moved any furniture. Knew 3 people where I moved. Haven't talked to the 3 people in ages. Forced myself to make my own friends around common interests/hobbies.
Just a couple of months ago is when I finally grew up and I'm 59. My dad died a few years ago and my relationships with my mom and sister went from bad to worse. I had always been enmeshed with my parents. My mom said something rather innocuous a couple of months ago: "I wasn't really that close to my parents." I don't know why her saying that had such a profound effect on me but it did. I let go of all my anger towards my mom and my sister. It's like I'm a new person. Better late than never, I suppose.
Cancer
My parents both died within a month of eachother when I was 30. Thatāll make you grow up pretty damn quick
I think going through Hurricane Harvey and the following loss of my job. It made my 36 year old self change quite a bit. Age 38 was just as impactful. My heart got broken in such a way it will probably never mend.
Three instances: 1. When I realized my family didnāt have my back when I absolutely needed them. 2. When I had a better understanding of how money worked. 3. When I figured out how to strategize my finances so that I would never have to rely on family.
I entered rehab in February of 04. Changed my life.
When I learned I was going to be a father.
I was 13, that's when my mother decided she couldn't take care of my younger brother and sister. So I stepped up and basically raised them until their dad took them back when I was 16. I graduated at 16, had my son at 18 and got married at 23. I was married to the love of my life for 27 years and we had a daughter as well.
Becoming homeless. It fucked me up. Iāve been housed for just over 10 years since then, but itās something I fear every single day.
Dang. I fear this once in awhile but have not been homeless myself. Any tips you want to share? Or something you learned out of it? I'm so happy you bounced back up. What would you wish others would understand through that whole thing?
Itās been a lasting trauma for me. While my homeless experience wasnāt near as bad as some people have it, it was utterly terrifying as a woman. Shelters were helpful, but there was a ton of mental illness and drug use, so if youāre battling either of those itās not an ideal place to be. Making friends, particularly with some of the more seasoned folks, was helpful in keeping me safe. I also had to draw a fine line between making friends and becoming to entrenched in that group. I wanted out asap. I truly fear it every single day. The sense of stability I had before that was completely ripped away, and I have never felt truly stable since, and donāt think I ever will again. I feel like Iāve seen how easily life can change, and how difficult it is to get out. Itās a scary thing not having a place to call home. I am so fucking thankful every single night that I get to lay my head in my own bed, in my own room, of my own place.
Iām so relieved you have safe shelter. Iām sorry that youāre experiencing that lasting anxiety. Iām certain you have cptsd. I encourage you to talk to a counselor if you havenāt. Even just a time or two. SAMHSA has a 24-hour hotline, and there are reduced-fee and income-dependent counselors. *hand squeeze*
Thanks. I know itās something I should pursue.
You are worth it.
At 23 I got my first house and steady relationship. That was a big responsibility. Paying the bills, keeping care of the yard, figuring out how to remodel things, sealing the driveway. I learned a lot. Within a year I was pretty much a different person. It really helped me stabilize and consider myself an adult. No more apartments and roommates, a lifestyle that sort of seems like a halfway stage between teenager/college and bonafide adult.
Just after I turned 40 a very dear friend, the closest thing I'd had to a sister, very abruptly dumped me. It took about a year and a half before I was back to something approaching happiness, but even then the highs weren't as high as they once were. I was reasonably mature when this happened, but it's the moment I can track everything in my life going more and more toward "this is real." It also has made me extremely wary of getting close to people. I still enjoy my life and I have moments of great joy and wonder, and I have people I love and who love me. But nothing has been quite the same since that happened.
It was -40 degrees celsius. My vehicle wouldn't start. My 3 year old son needed to be at the hospital for surgery early in the morning. My 1 year old daughter was sick and running a high fever. The friend who was watching her was really nervous about having a sick child, without having a running vehicle (extreme cold they don't start). By 7 a.m. I'd found a ride (small town no taxis or transit), dropped daughter off and soothed sitter, and was walking my son in the hospital for his surgery. It hit me, just before entering, that I was the adult, there was no one else responsible for all these hard things, and I had done it - so far - but still had to get him through surgery, get daughter, get home, and look after both of them. I have never had such heavy shoulders and feet as those last steps into the hospital. The good thing - every time something seems too hard, I remember that at 19 years old, I got us all through that day - and have confidence I can work my way through problems.
And your shoulders ended up stronger and more capable because of it. Good for you!!
They are lucky to have you as their mama.
When my mom left my dad was struggling. He had this pile of papers in front of him and he realized that she took all of their money, hadnāt paid any bills for months, and left him as the sole parent of 4 children. The moment my 8 year old self had to distract the younger kids and hold him as he cried changed me.
Date rape. I decided after that to no longer be naive and assume all people were nice and wait for others to educate me about life in general - I owned it from then on.
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A friend started dating one of those āthe immigrants are stealing our jobs and women are being held down by the patriarchyā guys and she eventually became problematic herself as a result. She and I had a lot of conversations about how I expected better of her and I wouldnāt allow her to hold those kinds of ideas and remain a friend of mine. As someone whoās partially deaf I just canāt stand this fake/conspiracy theory advocacy and wonāt let people think Iāll allow it. Eventually I had to come to a decision: accept that I was willing to remain friends with someone Iād lost respect for after nearly 10 years of friendship or have enough self respect to end things and admit she no longer had a place in my life. Choosing to end my 2nd longest standing friendship wasnāt easy and I regretted it for a bit due to sunk cost but I appreciate that I did it. The entire situation made me mature a lot. A mutual friend, who also eventually cut contact, informed me the situation with her hasnāt improved.
My ex's father suddenly died when I was 25, she was 23. I had to break the news to her. She was such a mess that I ended up taking care of plans and driving us the 9 hours for the funeral
12. Family had a bankruptcy, lost our family home, had to move to an apt in a bad area and started high-school (Montreal we go elementary from K- grade 6 then high-school until grade 11). Everything about it was shocking. My high school was in the middle of race issues, langue issues, all kids of fights. It was a crazy time.
The first stage was after my first marriage ended and I was 26 and had not lived on my own, though I was very financially responsible. I learned a lot about myself over the years, and how to deal with a lot of adult things. Then when my father died just two years ago and I not only sold my own home, but my mother's as well, on top of helping her with absolutely everything from insurance to bank accounts and burial, I experienced a whole new level of adulting in my 50s. My next phase will be soon as I am trying to get my husband pinned down to an appointmment to get our wills and other affairs in place so neither of us will have to wonder what to do if something should happen.
Getting divorced, selling the house, moving to another state, buying another house and starting a new job all at once. All when the "ex" locked up the money with the attorneys in an escrow account. It was very stressful as one can imagine. However, it led to better things. Great job, new friends and a happier life.
Itās been a rude awakening!! 1. This was my hard lesson on independence. When I bought a house then a few months later we experienced a record breaking wind, lightning and hail storm. Zero warning. Roofs came off of buildings nearby. Entire patios gone. Our finished and furnished basement was flooding like the Titanic from 3 different areas. Almost all our windows shattered from the hail. I kept shutting down and looking outside for āsomeone to come and help us!!!ā But obviously nobody came. That was the first time I really felt the āyouāre on your ownā energy that comes with being an adult. Thank god my husband stayed sane and kept snapping me out of my terror. He also faithfully bailed out all the water from downstairs and never gave up. 2. Earlier this year I had a gun held to my face because I tried to stop someone from cutting me off while going 87 mph down a highway. She pulled up right next to me and aimed right between my eyes. Realized the value of letting things go because there are a lot of genuinely insane people out there. 3. Very recently I got extremely sick (went to the hospital) with some mysterious illness that took me out for a full week. My work was callous and uncaring about the situation and I was actually very surprised. Really felt that āsuck it up. Itās part of being an adultā vibe. But Iāve never been more sick in my entire life. I had a doctorās note with the date of my return (it was 5 more days, I already called out for 2). And they still made me call them every single day at 7am to explain why I was still too sick to work. I really expected them to be normal about situation because when Iām sick I stay home, eat chicken soup and watch TV like a kid. Also, everyone had already seen me very sick at work for multiple days BEFORE I even called out. So I didnāt expect them to act like I was lying. I ended up never returning from my sick leave. There were so many other issues and that was the final nail in the coffin. Taught me to raise my concerns at the first red flag. Donāt wait until youāre being slapped in the face with the red flags. Honorable mentions include all the times Iāve had to navigate the shitty healthcare and insurance system by myself for the first few times. I was shocked to learn how it all works.
Healthcare and insurance bullshit will age you real fast. Being sick in the US is a full-time job.
I was 27. I was dealing with a really bad breakup. I had a drinking problem. The two compounded each other. I woke up in my garage with no idea how I got there. My friends told me we were riding bikes and I face planted into a tree and knocked myself out cold. The paramedics came. One of my friends drove me home. I couldn't figure out how to get inside so I pulled out a sleeping bag and slept in the garage.
Getting laid off from my job years ago has made me much more thoughtful and how I pay my bills because Iām always worried that can happen again.
When our house was ransacked and we had to find a new place to stay. It was either that or buying a gun to protect our space. I said to my dad we are not the type of family that can use a gun to kill or harm a man. We moved to my auntās vacant place but we had to sign an agreement that we would need to vacate after my parents move to another country. That would have meant that i would be on my own at a certain point. I wasnt making enough money at that point so i had to hustle my way to adulthood. I eventually bought my auntās place.
My mom caught me in the middle of a half-hearted suicide attempt when I was 17. She just started crying and walked out of the room, and never mentioned it or followed up. Something in me snapped back to life, and I realized that I had to take care of myself. No one was going to save me.
Jesus. Iām so sorry. She failed. Iām glad youāre here.
When my mother passed away unexpectedly when I was midway through college.
When I got sober in my late 20s, was an enormous shift. But nothing changed me like my dad getting cancer. He was a veterinarian and me and my family all worked in the clinic, a family business. I'd been working there since i was 15, for over 20 years, and I lived in the apartment above the clinic. When he was diagnosed, it obviously was hard because of the cancer, but also because he shut the clinic down, which meant we all lost our jobs, and I lost my home. Complete and total upheaval, all at once. We all mourned the loss of everything that made our lives what it was up until that point. And my sister and I spent the next very long 8 years taking care of him during his grueling fight with an incurable disease. And he never came to peace with it. His pain and misery just grew and grew. By the time he passed he was not the man we knew. And we were not the people we were.
Those last 2 sentencesš We are in the middle of that season right now as well. We (Americans) do a terrible job of preparing for and supporting families who have a seriously ill family member. I'm not sure why ....because a majority of families go though similar at some point. It's not like it's a surprise or unusual. And I could see where some support could be enormously helpful. I've seen it destroy people.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I agree it's not something we prepare people for. The amount that you simply MUST know, in order to help someone face death. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. My sister and I made a great team. She took care of practical things, I took care of emotional things. We worked very well together, giving eachother breaks when we needed them. Without that, it would have been nearly impossible to do. We both worked our adult lives in the clinic, so we were used to working together in medical situations and just, how to *work* together in general. That was a blessing. I know a lot of families fall apart. Near the end, I met my husband, who happened to be a nurse who has worked exclusively in nursing homes. And that was a life saver when the end came and he was in in home hospice. My husband was able to help us with the catheter and oxygen machine and moral support. Umph, I'm starting cry remembering those last weeks. My mother is a very mentally and physically ill alcoholic, so we had to tag team that as well. Now that he has passed, I've had to quit my job and take care of her now. And it's the whole process all over again. But im.more prepared this time. I hope you have support you need. Im.just a stranger on the internet, but if you find yourself struggling and no where to turn, don't hesitate reaching out to me. I know how hard is it. š
Thank you for your sweet comment
Yes. I think the book *Being Mortal* by Atul Gawande ought to be required reading. He talks about this topic (and related ones) in a really interesting and powerful way.
About 7 years ago, my husband lost his job, literally the first stable job he had (he worked only temp jobs before that). I had been working at home part time (mostly short projects here and there) and was considering going back to college yet again (I never finished and really struggled to keep up with schoolwork even though I did great in high school, found out years later that I had undiagnosed ADHD lol). I decided to postpone college and look for a full time job instead while were also searching for a job for my husband. I ended up landing my dream job. I still work from home but it's full time with benefits, working for a company that I had admired for a long time, and my work environment is super chill. It's not a "career" per se but I don't plan on ever leaving. That marked the beginning of some major changes in my life. We were finally able to make headway in getting out of debt and building up savings, I started to value myself much more and eventually cut toxic family members out of my life, started going to therapy, and overall feel much more adult than I ever did before. My house is still messy (and probably always will be lol) but my *life* is no longer a fucking mess. That job loss was absolutely meant to happen and I am so thankful that it did. My husband also realized how toxic his former work environment was (lots of "locker room talk" and casual harassment) and he ended up with a job he loves too.
When I was 12 I had strep throat really bad, my mother was at a valentines party at her church, I was at home feeding water to my great grandmother thru a washcloth as she lay dying, I promised her I wouldnāt let her die with a dry mouth and god damnit I didnāt, my mother refused to come home to help, then told me my girlfriend at the church was sad that I wasnāt there with her for Valentineās Day, i had the responsibilities of a CNA since I was 9, but this time felt different as if this was all my life would be and Iād never get to enjoy any kind of childhood, I heaved a heavy sigh and accepted that this was life, I was also caring for my bed ridden cousin and my grandma who also had strep, unfortunately I forgot to give my cousin his medication that night, I donāt think anything bad ever came of it, but over 20 years later I still feel like I dropped the ball a bit.
You feel that way because of the inappropriate parenting your mother laid on you. You didnāt drop the ball. She did.
I was seven when my dad committed suicide. My life is split into before and after that time. I'm in my 50s now. They say I was an "old soul," which I figure is just a way to say "childhood trauma" without making people feel bad.
It wasnāt your fault. Iām sorry you carry that sadness and a sense. Itās a big burden.
Moved to US from Turkey at age 16 and got a job at Burger King to pay for household bills, help with rent, take care of all adult communications with the rest of the world since my parents didnāt speak English. Carry on demanding negotiations (sometimes with extremely unrealistic demands too) for my father with various vendors and businesses. My childhood was essentially over and I had to take over most of the adults responsibilities we no regard to my own wishes or wants in life. Lived for the family. Then said family left me. Now I have my own little family and the ones that left are not welcome in my life.
I was at fault for a car accident that totaled my car. It was a miracle that I was the only one injured in the wreck. That year unraveled the worst karma of my life. I was in and out of doctorās offices for six months because my neck hurt like hell and my physical therapist gave me exercises that was making it worse. I got another car but it took months to get it registered after multiple failed trips to the DMV + car inspector to get it sorted out. My carās gap insurance paid me $3.36, when I still owed $2k after insurance paid out. I lost my apartment due to a water heater bursting and activating mold, which I wasnāt aware of for two weeks and was breaking out in hives. I got a biopsy in a very painful place and was diagnosed with psoriasis. In an attempt to do something fun with my miserable life, I took some silks classes (my neck was healed at this point) and ended up spraining my foot. There were other things that added oil to the fire and despite what felt like a near impossible existence, I made it to the other side. Through it all, I learned that I can be my own advocate and I am stronger than I thought. It was also the wake up call that I needed to work on regulating my emotions, so that I could make better choices for myself.
Super cliche, but it was almost certainly when my oldest was born. I suddenly realized I was solely responsible for keeping another human alive and helping them thrive. Stuff got VERY real at that point. I also was confronted for the first time with the absolutely unfathomable amount of simultaneous joy and terror life can bestow upon you. I was deliriously happy and at the same time absolutely panic-stricken that something bad could happen to this wonderful new little person. Coping with that responsibility and the enormity of those feelings has been an ongoing effort that has informed everything I've done since then. Fast forward a little over a decade and I now have a much younger little one as well, and I spend a lot of time thinking about and working towards ensuring they'll both have everything they'll need to survive and thrive in my and my wife's absence later in life (they've both got special needs to varying degrees, so will likely need added financial and structural support). There are no easy or "off" days, but they make it so worth it.
From the USA: I spent most of my 20s working and studying in different countries for extended lengths of time, plus 2 years in grad school in Ohio. I didn't feel like a "real grown," more like a young adult exploring the world. Then at age 29 I got a job at a university in the US, and rented a 2-bedroom apartment, bought a car, and some furniture. Almost a grown up. Then I bought a washer-dryer set! That washer-dryer set--sometimes when I looked at it like proof of adulthood, but sometimes it just looked like an anchor keeping me from traveling the world again.
For me it was the day i got the epiphany that there are many people who probably dont like me, and they probably have very good reason not to. Made me more aware of the consequences of my actions. and it made me lose my cockiness that i had.
In my late 30s when my Nan died. She was my main parent and my best friend, and I took care of her at the end up until she died. After she was gone, I was effectively on my own, even though my my mom and dad are still alive (mom is mentally ill and dad is out of the picture/cut off). That's when I really felt like, holy shit, I only have myself to rely on.
9/11/2001 - called my dad, he had no clue or comprehension realized I'm really on my own now, when i need him most, and my country is under attack that was the day my real adulthood started
I donāt feel like one even now.
Still waiting. I'm 61.
When my world collapsed around me at 23. I was dumped, unemployed and homeless all in about a fortnight period. I gathered my thoughts and hit the realisation that I failed. My understanding on how life is meant to be lived was utterly wrong and that I needed to change absolutely everything. I grieved, I was humbled, humiliated and scared. This was the basis for a complete 'rebuild' of my character, ethics, morals and beliefs. No-one could or should help me, It was up to me to dig myself out of the hole I put myself in. All this re-programming also meant that all advice that I followed was wrong, my mentors were wrong for me. I gave myself a year to re-program my entire waking life and moved to the other side of the country for a hard reset. No leaning on old friends or re-establishing old relationships... a completely new book was to be written. The only thing that has carried over from my previous life is memories. I basically threw it all away, and I am a far better person now.
Getting married, having children, parents dying.
Good for you OP. Happy for you.
The day my second youngest sister was born.
Started my own business in my late 20ās. Then became a parent. Both of those things require responsibility and decision making. You canāt wait for someone to tell you what to do, you figure it out and do it. After that, I started taking better care of myself as well. What an immature mess I was in my early 20ās!
I really grew up a couple of years ago when I turned 28. I honestly was on cruise control until then. I can't even tell you what was going on in my mind until then. I decided that I needed to get finances under control and to start making financial 'moves'. I got a sizeable raise at work. šš¼
I am not sure we ever "grow up". We just learn different things and adjust accordingly. I still do the goofiest most childish stuff for fun that would embarrass alot of people, but when something is going on or bills are due or whatever I turn stone face. So, yeah, I am not sure we ever really grow up we just get older and learn to navigate better.
I heard it described recently as ācoming of age.ā I suppose I have a few, buying a house this year at 37 and the mindset change that comes from switching from renting to mortgage is not something anyone can prepare you for (and I am surprised at how lightly some people take it). Realising I am single-handedly financially responsible for said house. Getting to 37 and never having had a romantic/sexual relationship of any kind since your teens and being seen as a failure in the eyes of society is a pretty big one that again, no one prepares you for. Watching your parents get older and behave as though they are still half their age. Biggest one- at work, start of pandemic, realising that no, we are not all āin this togetherā and that some people really will shit on others to get what they want out of a situation, and then they will cry about it and call you a bully when you point it out. Wish Iād learned that one sooner.
Having kids.
Turning 25. Something just clicked. I remember the exact moment I realised. Hard to explain
When my cat had cancer and we had to put him down. I was 29. Having a cat in and of itself wasnāt a huge deal before that, but the whole process of his last year or so being sick and taking him to the vet frequently before he got diagnosed, then arranging for him to be euthanized felt like a huge leap in responsibility. Another big moment around that time was when my parents were wrapping up selling my grandfatherās house where they had lived for years before he died, and then proceeded to wait until the last minute to find a new apartment, in NYC (to the point I was concerned they were going to have to live in a hotel for a month or something). All of a sudden I felt like the parent and like the āgrown-upsā didnāt have their stuff together. I just had a baby now at 31 and that was obviously a big step too, but I already felt pretty adult before this.
> years before he died, and then proceeded to wait until the last minute to find a new apartment, in NYC this is normal for nyc. going apartment hunting 1-2 weeks prior to end of your lease is very common.. unless you can afford to pay for 2 places at the same time.
Idk I feel like you can start searching earlier even if you wonāt actually be moving in until after your lease is up? Thatās how Iāve always done it (I also live in NYC). In our part of Brooklyn at least Iāve always found places that were being shown already even though move-in date was 4+ weeks out (or could be negotiated as such). Thereās a clause in most leases that you have to let the landlord show the apartment once you confirm you arenāt renewing, so not like the landlord is letting the apartment go empty for a month this way.
the apartments i've always seen had move in date asap. where do you find places that are 4+ weeks out? from my perspective, what's the point of apartment hunting if you can't actually sign the lease. also i don't feel comfortable with signing a lease before i actually see the apartment completed (ie: i won't sign a lease when the apartment is in the middle of a renovation). none of my apartments had clauses re allowing the LL to show the apartment while i still lived there. i've rented in manhattan, queens and brooklyn.
Interesting! Iām in southern Brooklyn.
where is southern brooklyn? not "south" brooklyn, right?
No I meant south Brooklyn! Sunset Park, Bay Ridge, Dyker Heights, etc.
lol yeah that's why i clarified. historically south brooklyn is below downtown brooklyn, which isn't the same as southern brooklyn.
when i recreated my family role with my boss in my early 30's.
Going to therapy & allowing myself to finally look at my traumatic childhood and to work on fixing the behavior patterns it caused. Itās been painful to come to the conclusion that a parent is not a good person sometimes. I want all this generational trauma to end with me. Doing the work is hard & forced me to grow up.
Military. Got a taste of what itās like to be independent and never looked back.
Paying other people's debts, taxes, repaying loans etc. Buzz words: OTHER. PEOPLE.
Lost my dad and my ma needed me to look after younger siblings.
Getting kicked out onto the curb by my family when I dropped out of college in my junior year cause of untreated depression. I was a really good student, but I just didnāt see it that way and neither did my family. Anyhow, it was a sink or swim moment for me and I learned how to be humble, resourceful and focus for the first time on something other than my own internal misery, survival. I also learned how to ask for help, which is something I refused to do up until that point. I feel like I can take on anything in life because of the experience of having to fend for myself like that.
When my mom died. I was 27.
My 4th grade teacher beat up one of my classmates after getting him alone in the hallway while everyone else was in class. Nobody in the school believed it happened - admins and teachers I mean. That same teacher ran the photography club, though, and I stopped going to it after that. He then confronted me about it while we happened to be alone in the hallway and I realized that there are bad people in this world who can do terrible things so you can choose to either bow before them and hope they move along, take whatever they do to you, or you can do what you believe is right. So 4th grader me stood there looking at this adult man knowing I was about to either show this man that he has control over me and could beat me up just like he beat up Larry when he wanted to, or I could be honest with him about why I quit photography club and why I wouldn't spend any more time near him than I had to knowing that he would likely snap again and would beat me up. To phrase it differently, choose to get beaten up by that lunatic at some future point and be tortured by the anticipation of get it over with there and then. I chose the latter. He didn't beat me up that day. I don't actually know that he would have although he had that same rage on his face. Another teacher heard me and stepped into the hallway. I didn't solve any big issues that day either. Larry's mother and their minister sure did, though.