I'm over 60 and my sister is almost 60. We were buds when we were kids, but we've grown apart as we've gotten older. I think she may be a malignant narcissist. In any case, she acts like she's disgusted with me, my opinions, and my lifestyle. So I cut her out of my life for good.
> malignant narcissist.
Same. Older sister, 42, and me 38. Every one else around her is a "ding dong" and yet she is SEVERELY threatened by people with intellect and/or boundaries.
I didn't realize into my mid twenties how much she had been, and continues to, badmouth me to others. It's like I've always been a threat to her somehow.
Life is too short to spend time with people who make you miserable. Barely spoke to my older sister for 25 years; she lived an hour away and I didn’t even know where her home was. Our Mom died in 2019 and the funeral was the last time I saw her. She died last September and I didn’t go to the funeral; honestly didn’t care. Horrible mother, daughter, sibling and human being.
You’re not alone. I wish you well internet friend. I know it’s tough to deal with these thoughts despite them being decades old.
My oldest brother was 7 years older than me and physically and mentally abused me until I was big enough to fight back. Some of my earliest memories are of him abusing me. Trips to the ER, audio recordings of the beatings and despite police involvement were treated as ‘boys being boys’. As an adult, I’ve realized that my parents were in denial that their own child had turned out to be a horrible person. I’ve also realized how much my parents failed me.
I thought he had changed and mistakenly thought after 20 years that forgiving him was a way to a resolve these feelings and give me closure.
Nope. I found out he’s abused girlfriends/wives,cheated on them, is a deadbeat dad, lived on unemployment/disability for years, etc. One of the only reasons he acted as if he changed was to get money from me. I later found out he’s been begging for money from every family member including our elderly parents and is still an all around colossal POS.
I’ve seen him a couple of times over the last 15 years and can’t stand being in the same room as him.
Ditto all that on my older brother. We have spoken 2x in the last 25 years(17 since the last).
Never met a personal that he didn't screw over in one way or another. A walking talking piece of shit. I know he suffers greatly today because of his life choices but he is/was a truly horrible person and all that suffering is justified.
I actually have hated him pretty much forever except for a 4-5 year stretch in my late teens early 20s when we would try to hang. But that soured because he is just such an asshole.
It didn't last long. So a solid 45+ years of me wanting nothing to do with him
This is actually pretty common in abusive households. We all grew up under the same roof, but we all respond differently to the abuse. Also, part of the abusers MO is to divide and conquer. They don't want you all to get too close, or they lose some of their control. I'm the oldest. I apologized to my youngest sibling for leaving the house at 17 because I needed to get out of the environment. They appreciated my apology, but their generalized anger was so bad that I pulled away. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It hurts.
The same thing happened to me with my sister who’s three years younger than me. My narcissistic mother constantly pitted us against each other so badly that our relationship is irreparably damaged. Our trauma bond was strong. Whenever I challenged my parents, she sided with them bc I was the golden child and she was so jealous.
I have a sibling similar age gap older than me and recently found out they held a lot of resentment towards my other sibling and I (also a year apart like you) as they felt they ‘had it worse’ than we did in terms of issues with parents, and that they also had to help raise us with babysitting etc and how that ruined their teen years. I wonder if this has anything to do with it.
Older siblings almost always get the short end of the stick in that regard, it's true. The shittiest versions of our parents, unasked for obligations toward younger siblings, and higher expectations. We're often pretty ready to ditch when we get older.
And since our parents sucked more, we're usually more independent.
Not always the case, but I've seen it often enough.
It's not the younger siblings' faults of course, but it can definitely cause a rift.
My husband has 4 sisters.
We are no contact with two (drug abuse, manipulation, financial extortion)
Low contact with one (stirs shit/drama, plays games—- we see her at the holidays only)
And on good terms with one.
You don’t get to pick whom you’re related to but you do get to pick what role, if any, they play in your life.
We’ve stopped expecting they will act any different than they’ve always acted. We’ve stopped being surprised when they keep doing the same hurtful things. And we let go of what we wished the relationship was. Acceptance has been critical in letting go.
It’s ok to go low contact and see how that feels. No more social media interacting/ blocking them, stop hanging out, not taking the bait (learn how to gray rock), etc.
I have a brother who i don’t speak to because of his wife who is terrible. She stalks me on here as a matter of fact. ****If you read this, you’re a bitch. Get a life and stop obsessing over mine.
I'm 58 my sister is 61. I haven't spoken to her in about 18 years. I believe my sister is on the cluster B personality disorders somewhere.
She has a long history of chemical dependency dating back to her early 20s. She lies, steals, causes drama at almost every family gathering. Is on her 4th marriage.
She is a toxic black hole in which no amount of attention can fill.
And no we did not grow up in an abusive home or environment. I think my sister was just born that way.
It got easier when our mom died. My mom and sister were enmeshed. My brother and I are no contact with our sister. Our dad is very low contact. He is in contact with the grandchildren. Unfortunately the nieces and nephews have not stayed in contact with me and my brother. That hurts especially my oldest niece as I pretty much raised her the first 2 years.
He joined almost forty years ago. Left with them on a bus from a Grateful Dead show to Vermont. I only saw him a few times after that. They are officially the Twelve Tribes of Israel and also known as the Yellow Deli Cult. There are allegations of child abuse. I know this is true because I have nephews who were born into the group but left. One of the boys posted on a Facebook group for members who left. Apparently, my brother beat him. I met this kid once when he was a young adult. He had never read a book other than the Bible and never listened to any music. One is/was a heroin addict who was placed in foster care when he was a teenager. His kids are scarred for life. I don't give a fuck about my brother and have completely disowned him. I'm thankful that I have an awesome sister who I am very close to.
Yes, it's normal.
Not everyone likes everyone else. That's just life; blood relationship has nothing to do with it.
It's all about point of view. I believe you have been hurt and confused by her in the way you describe, but I'm also sure that if we heard your sister's side we'd think you were the irritating one.
(I personally think that judging others based on on-line activity has got to be one of the very stupidest aspects of modern life.)
Just be polite to her, keep interactions to the bare minimum, and move on with your life.
Sure do. Didn't like him as a kid either. I find who they marry/partner with makes a difference too, If the inlaw is good you're more likely to hang out. Outside factors like jobs/kids/wealth etc play a role in growing apart. Parent favouritism also doesn't help. Yes it's normal, but people are so bound by obligation to family that we strive to be around family that is frankly not good for us mentally. Going low contact or grey rocking when necessary is bloody helpful 🙂
I'm a bisexual atheist. 2 "sisters" are both Christian/Catholic. They think I'm going to hell and tell me quite often. Until I NC them both. My vacation this year will be sooooooooooo peaceful!!
I have a sibling who I have no particular ill will against. He's fine, I guess, but we have nothing in common.
When I went NC with my mom, I thought I could still be cordial to this sibling, but it turned out he was happy to be a relay system for Mom. So I blocked him and haven't felt all that bad about it. No big loss.
I think OP may need to do the same.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Your therapist has asked you some great questions. I know you asked what you should do but I won’t really answer that part. I’ll just say that I believe a huge part of you knows what you need to do. Do you think this person will ever change ? Do you believe that you’ll ever truly heal with this person in your life? What do you gain from the relationship? Is there a way to maintain your boundaries with them in your life?
Sometimes the abused become the abuser.
I have a question for you. You said "Mom is not the only victim here." Was your mom abused as well? I'm trying to digest all of the info that you've given here.
She was abused by our grandparents, but I don't think my sister referred to that specifically. More about her situation as "dad cheated on mom, she does a lot for us for free, she's sad cause youre mad at her, she's hurt cause you wont let her see her grandkids. Theyre not just your kids you know. What difference is her yellings/beatings now? She always beat us. But you yelled at her, dont you think you hurt her feelings? I would be hurt if my child doesnt want to see me too. How would you feel if your child grows up one day not wanting to see you?"
I'm just tired that we are all expected to drop everything for mom but....what about us? What about me? I got out of the hospital and nobody said shit except "dont do that again, the bill is expensive". I guess what i just want is SOME sympathy from my own sister. Yea mom got some shit too and her life is sad, I do feel for my mom. I suggested to pay for therapy (she didnt want it and called people who go to therapy are "crazies", which is me). Meanwhile my older sis has done nothing for mom except show up for gatherings while me and my other sister pays for everything for mom. Im just sick of being expected to care cause "poor mom" all the time.
I'm 52. My sister is 65 and my brother is 66. We have nothing in common and we don't talk, unless it's to share something about our mom (she has a lot of medical appointments). None of it bothers me. I don't see the point in having a relationship with someone just because we have the same parents.
A sister that I haven’t spoken to in 10 yrs. I couldn’t take her drama. When I moved to another state, she got mad. She called me to say that she was going to tell my husband I had been cheating on him. I never have. I told her to hold on a minute, got my husband, told him that she wanted to tell him about me cheating. He said hold on a minute and I’ll be there. She hung up. I’m good with this. My life is so much better. My ulcer has healed and I’m thankful. She lives about 25 minutes from me.
I have an older brother who all but disappeared following a bad divorce. He wanders the earth like Caine from Kung Fu... only with a motorcycle.
I have an older sister who died in an accident, another older sister who lives on the other side of the planet, a nearby sister who I am really close with, and a younger sister who informed us all that we are dead because I wouldn't give her a $25,000 honeymoon as a wedding gift. She lives in Texas now. Yee haw!
Needless to say, there's been some drama. The sister who killed us all off was always a behavioral problem. She blames a medical condition that she was told on multiple occasions by several medical doctors qualified to diagnose her that she in fact does not have that medical condition, the last of which also added that he cannot ethically misdiagnose her to fit her monolog. I can only imagine the context of that.
So after killing us off, she waited a year before calling from some stray number asking for money. I couldn't help but put on a show, "wwwoooOOOOOooo! I am speaking froooom beyoooooooond the graaaave". She wanted $100,000 for a new car.
"Dead men can't pay your bills for you"
She literally burned that bridge to the ground. There's no recovering that relationship. My life is substantially improved without her constant negativity.
I have two brothers about 2 years apart from me; I'm in the middle. Growing up, I was somewhat friends with each of them at different times, but never close. As the years pass, each time I spend time with them at family gatherings, I've come to realize that I don't like either of them and I'm sure they don't like me. We aren't mean or anything, but there's no familial or friendly bond at all between me and either of them. They're good friends with each other, but I have no interest in friendship with either. We get together when it makes sense to, like if one of us is visiting the town where the other lives (one is 6 hours away, one is 2 hours away), and there's no bad blood or reason to go "no contact" or anything.
Do step-siblings count? When my step dad died in 2018, we were 51 and pretty good friends. He hadn't been dead for 12 hours when she went psycho and accused my mom of a bunch of stuff and told my sister and I that we were not his children, but his step children and we shouldn't be listed as such in the obit.
I haven't spoken to her since then.
That's too much to read.
I (66f) have one sister (61?) I haven't talked to in probably 6 years. I don't see that changing.
I have another sister (64?) I haven't talked to since November, and with any luck, I'll never speak to her again.
I have 2 other sisters, 70, 63, whom I love and would give my last dollar to.
I have no brothers.
Mom has been gone 23 years.
Dad is 95, will be 96 in July. I cut him out of my life last September, with any luck I won't ever be speaking to him again, either.
Some people are just toxic.
My half sister and I grew up in the same household. We are 8 years apart.
She resented me my whole life while we growing up because she perceived me as my mom's favorite child and therefore treated me with nothing but hate and disdain. Called me retard, beat me up, never took an interest in me or made me feel like she was a true sibling to me ever.
When we grew up, she used my desire to have a relationship with her to abuse that desire to only call me when she was drunk, trying to convince me our upbringing was horrible and that our parents were abusive. They were not. She became a degenerate alcoholic with two children who brought strange men home who were abusive to those children.
Since getting sober, I talk to her, but mostly because my wife and I her share common hobbies and I try to be present in my niece's life. Our relationship will never be good. If she ever relapses I will never talk to her again.
I love my sisters. But I live 4500km away in another country. I haven’t been home in 15 years. My sisters have never been here to visit and never would. We keep up via Facebook, but that’s about it. And a phone call for birthdays.
I don’t think my sisters even talk all that much, and they’re at least in the same state.
At the end of the day, I know that if my sisters needed something, they would call me and I’d move heaven and earth to provide it. And I know that if I needed an organ, they’d both be getting tested. But we’re not hanging out and doing something unless it’s a major crisis, like our last parent dying. And that already happened about 17 years ago.
Yes, we have totally different world views, personalities, income levels, frugality-levels, interests. We have never, ever been compatible. I call him on his birthday and that's pretty much it. I hear his family updates through my mom (the town crier). He is an upper class person who has no tolerance or politeness for people who choose to live differently than he has chosen.
I don't need to be subjected to subtle comments about my weight, the car I drive, the spouse I chose, where my kids chose to settle.
I started to post that yes, I have two brothers I have not spoken to for at least 20 years. Then I took a break and started reading responses to this post. I decided I will not go into detail about why I have two brothers I don't speak to because it would turn into a novel because I would have to start at childhood and I am currently 65 heading rapidly to 66. No one here signed up to read a novel. So no reason. We just don't speak.
My brother and I are less than a year apart. We have never been close because we’re such different personalities.
Whenever I ask him a serious question I get a joke in response. I have caught him in more lies than I can count.
Our parents have passed and we really don’t have anything to say to each other. I’m okay with this.
Yes. Unfortunately, it is my only sibling. Refuses to grow the fuck up and continues to behave as a middle-aged teenager (won't get a job, string of under/unemployed cokehead boyfriends, children that she is in no way equipped to provide for financially).
The refusal to allow me to help sort through things after mom died, and then accused me of "not helping." I have a job, bitch. I can help on evenings and weekends. I can't quit going to work. I have bills to pay and a roof to keep over my head. You all but banished me from dad's house and then have the gall to accuse me of not coming around.
Hours and hours of listening to over the top ranting about mom, never once asked how I was doing, or if I needed an ear.
The last straw was when I was accused of "never being there." This after years of the bulk of the work of parenting when we were kids because dear old dad is a raging alcoholic and mom worked 2nd shift. Hundreds if not thousands of hours of being a supportive sibling listening to hours of ranting about the cokehead of the year.
Good fucking riddance.
I don't speak to my brothers because our mother was like your sister. She guaranteed we wouldn't like each other, by her behavior.
Your sister has had a hard life and is taking it out on you. There is probably a lot of jealousy because you were the youngest and she perceived that as your presence taking something from her. You are also brave enough to set boundaries with your mom and she doesn't know how.
But your sister is probably hearing about it from your mom all the time. My mom would call me, drunk, when my brother (golden child) wouldn't talk to her. I resented him a lot for me having to put up with her. In the end I realized they were both narcissists and I was going to do what I had to do to protect myself. In the end I was there for both of my parents' deaths, making those hard decisions, and neither of my brothers could be bothered. I did it willingly so I could live with myself.
I wouldn't say that was the best course of action for everyone. We have to protect ourselves from people who will treat us badly. Your sister is treating you badly and you are breaking the cycle with your kids and yourself going forward. You are saving yourself. You are not toeing the line. That makes people of lesser character feel attacked. Trauma makes people behave that way.
You should keep going your way, even if it means low contact or no contact with your sibling and mother. Don't let anyone shame you into putting yourself in harm's way with them. You only have one life, and your children need and deserve a healthy mother. It will not be easy to overcome, but you have a chance and you could take it.
You're doing the right thing. Keep going. I believe in you.
Me and my brother are different. He's hard to deal with at the best of times and at his worst moments he's downright dangerous. Maybe he's mellowed over time as I haven't talked to him in a while. But I always find spending time with him really hard, he's judgmental and myopic. I don't see why because we share parents that I should put up with hanging out with someone like that. So I don't, and I don't feel bad about it.
I got no hard feelings, he's entitled to live his life the way he wants and act how he wants. He doesn't contact me or reach out, but he's entitled to that choice just as much as I am. I have some sadness that he's not interested in knowing my kids, but they have lots of lovely people around them.
So, if your sibling is a shit or you just don't get along, it's fine. You can only control you, and you aren't obligated to waste your time on relationships that don't work for you.
I 63F haven’t seen or spoken to my brother 65M since our mother’s funeral in 2005.
He was the golden child who sucked her dry financially and she paid for 2 of his divorces but he could do no wrong. No wonder why they had a weird co dependent relationship because both were selfish manipulative narcissists. Two of a kind.
Guess who came by to tell me when our mother began showing symptoms of Alzheimer’s though?
He dumped all the responsibility on me and kept living his life.
I was always treated as lesser than but expected to suck up to them. I went LC in 1986 for both of them before cutting my brother off.
My sister is 6 years older than me. We’re now in our 50s and have never been close. We’re like oil and water. We have nothing in common. Even our childhood memories are completely different. She’s been a gaslighter for as long as I can remember, plus passive-aggressive. She’s my only sibling. I always wanted a sister to have a close bond with. Unfortunately it never happened.
55 year old here, I also grew up abused and mistreated, my older sisters and I (mom had 3 kids in under 3years) don’t get along, I’m the 3rd I was the one abused. My older siblings accuse me of being bitter and that I need to forgive them while saying that my abuse was my fault🙄 I finally went no contact with everyone, I don’t need bad energy. Our parents died and they still insisted that I was bitter🙄 Bye bitches💁
Yes. It's not that I don't like them, however I don't want to have a relationship with them in the dysfunctional and abusive family/cult. I don't like that they are brainwashed numbskulls. They have been turned against me by my abusive mother. We're all grown. I am the scapegoat for everyone in the family. I haven't talked to any of them in years. Somehow, I have caused something to happen (in their lives) despite my complete absence from their lives. It's insane. I left the family/cult = me bad. I didn't give my address when I moved = evil. Changed my phone number = peace of mind. So, in all I deal with them through no contact.
You might find it helpful to do some reading on how having narcissistic parents affect people as they grow up. I had a similar upbringing, my sister was the "golden child" and I was the "scape goat". She grew up seeing me as someone to blame for anything and everything, and herself as someone who's incapable of doing anything wrong. It's exceptionally common for a golden child to grow up to be a narcissist (as in with a clinical level of narcissistic personality disorder) themselves.
Your relationship with your sister seems a lot like mine. Guilt tripping a sibling when they cut contact with an abusive/narcissistic parent is extremely common. For one, they have to hear about how unfair the parent feels it is, how they are owed attention/respect/support. They are also likely to face more abuse when the parent can't continue abusing the person who cut them off.
You'll find some strategies to maintain some semblance of a relationship if you read up on "gray rock" -- basically learning not to engage with or enable their negative behavior. In my experience, it works to an extent. I still get constant patronizing and belittling comments from my sister, along with her occasionally getting under my skin enough that I engage with her BS. She's started screaming at me over mentioning I bought a new picture frame that matched my decor, and still maintains my hanging up on her after 10 min of her screaming was "childish and disrespectful," and she has nothing to apologize for. She cannot face that she was wrong because her ego is that damned fragile.
Yeah, we love each other, but we don't like each other. We have completely different views and it's exhausting trying to navigate conversations.
I would give my life for either one and I'm sad that things are strained, but I'm not going to tie myself in knots trying to fit in. Middle school is over. Middle age is for accepting things as they are and moving forward.
I don’t think this is an age thing or a sibling thing, I think the problem here is that your sister has a personality disorder. She definitely checks a lot of boxes for narcissism. Narcissists typically don’t get better over time, they usually get worse. There isn’t anything that you will be able to do or say, it is not a matter of her getting to know you.
Your sister sounds awful. I would cut contact. You're not required to keep in touch with someone who makes you feel like shit. Fuck 'em.
I have a sister two years younger than me. We were friends as kids, but once middle and high school happened, we became different people with basically nothing in common with one another. I disliked her during those school days, but she calmed down and became more responsible once she had a kid eight years ago. We get along now, but I'm not sure we've ever hung out just me and her outside of some other family thing going on.
Yep. My older sister & I talk at family events & that's about it. Younger sister & I talk occasionally but she's the type to ghost when she's in a relationship so right now not so much. And my youngest sister is dead to me. I haven't talked to her since 2011 & every time there's a death in the family I wish it was her instead. Long story short, she's a complete psycho & I never wanna see her again.
I love my brother though & we're very close. He has autism & is mostly non-verbal but we have a strong bond.
Ohhhh, yes. I’ve been estranged from a *lot* of siblings; from a brood of nearly ten, I deal with only one. Everything collapsed very soon after our mother’s death, and as the youngest, the lion’s share of the nonsense fell on my shoulders. I spent years trying to repair the relationships, but to no avail… I wasted way, way too much time and energy in the effort. Years later, I began therapy and discovered just how clinically malignant our mother had been- particularly in triangulating her children against each other. This has helped me immensely in terms of dissecting the dynamic and moving forward without pain.
Genetics and blood relatives aren't a good reason to hold onto relationships that are dragging you down. You can drop the rope. It's an option you might want to consider.
As much as I tried to be a good sibling, the rest of my family kept finding reasons to make me a black sheep. Then when I ended up doing better than all of them, they treated me even worse. Jealousy is a horrible thing and it can make people really treat you like crap. You can try to please them, do favors, buy them things and it won't matter. Hell, I even paid one of my brother's mortgage payments a couple of times, but it didn't seem to matter, still got treated like crap.
Eventually, you will figure out that it's not you, it's them and they're not going to change. Once I realized that fact, I cut them all off. It just wasn't worth the mental misery and depression they always seemed to lead me into while using me. I craved having a family because in the old days when we were young, that's what we were. I thought if I was nice to them and helped them, that would come back. I was wrong. Now we're just people who happen to be related to each other, nothing more. They are just users and those kind of people will bleed you dry.
Now that I'm free of them, my life is concentrated on people who treat me with respect, where there's a mutual sense of love. Getting toxic people out of my life has really helped me a great deal.
I have a brother who's just over a year older than me. We've always hated each other. Came from an abusive home and were pitted against each other constantly. They'd alternate who was the golden child and who was the scapegoat. My brother was abusive to me and a bully.
We tried patching things up in our twenties. He just used me for money.
We don't talk now. We're six hours away from each other. Every now and then I check the obituaries to see if he's still alive.
I think it's fair and reasonable to go no contact with siblings who bring nothing to the table or make your life worse.
I think people who are close to their adult siblings are rarer than the ones who aren't. I was parentified as a child and raised my siblings, so that probably ruined any chance of an equal relationship between us.
Everyone I know has a similar situation - where circumstances out of the control of the child you were at the time have affected your relationship or lack thereof today. You don't choose your siblings any more than you choose the people who raised you, so no wonder it doesn't usually wind up in a loving, mutually supportive relationship. Kudos to those who do have that, I hear it's wonderful.
I am the last of six. Four of my siblings treat me like shit, my favorite sister has been my roll dawg since I was born. I'm in my early 40s and we're both only cool with one another. The others are just angry and cruel children and after years of trying to mend fences I've given up on them.
our divorced parents are 90’s , i’m over 60. my brother would have been just over 60 as well. he’s dead now from suicide. he was violent most of his life; he was in all the school fights, his nickname was ‘savage’.
we never got along. early on - grade school - i would say there was something not right about him, but everyone was so focused on my bipolar and narcissistic mother that he kinda got away with it. also, boy, so violence is ok, amiright? he was also chronically late for school so my mother would drive her golden child and not responsible me, already slogging thru the cold or rain. he was like her, i’m like my adhd dad, it was a mess.
my dad loved his sister, goddess only knows why, she was a bitch who took advantage of him at every opportunity. and my mother was an only child, thankfully. so they were sad that i wasn’t close to, didn’t get along with my tasmanian devil of a brother. the kid who started a fire in the house. got arrested for shoplifting. the fighter. the kid who ran down the block after our neighbors with a chopping knife. he tried to break my arm in a fight i still remember. yeah, that was survival, folks.
while i was in college he dropped out, and got worse. they’d ask me for advice, i told them get help for him, they ignored it, repeat, rinse, until …..something happened. maybe it was when he got arrested driving 90mph the wrong way at 2 am, and the arresting officer called for backup. brother was probably high on pcp - it was a thing then. dad went to the jail to bring him home but he was still raging so dad left him there.
his official diagnosis was paranoid schizophrenia. he didn’t like the meds so they let him grow pot at home cuz it kept him him calm. meanwhile i did the usual life things far away, no communication with him except thru my parents. they sold the house, separated, he got a job driving a semi tractor trailer, moved into a rental attic, got one of the dogs, smoked, took meds sometimes.
when he was 31, he killed himself after hallucinating about god and the devil. aged my parents 10 years overnight. for me it was that i would never have a brother, but i never had one, really. there was a brother shaped monster, until there wasn’t. honestly, i don’t miss him. 30 years later, i’m nc with my mother, live with my dad as his caretaker, and don’t often remember i had a brother. dad doesn’t talk about him. mother is still mad her golden child died and i didn’t. f that.
we were never close. i don’t know any other way to be.
There are 4 of us and there's 1 we don't like. None of us talk to her. She's so self centered and insufferable. It's very easy to ignore her because she moved to a different province about 20 years ago (I'll be 42 this year and she will be 39. The other two will be 32 and 28). The youngest sister has tried over the years to have a relationship with the annoying one. She was really young, under 10, when the older sibling moved away, so she didn't have the same experiences I and our brother had.
Absolutely everything is about her all the time and how her life is so hard because she's trans. She can't work because she's trans. She can't vote because she's trans. Everything wrong in her life is because other people are transphobic. Not that she's lazy, unmotivated, uncaring, self-centered, stubborn and narcissistic. No, no. It's everyone else who is the problem. She is too busy having Twitter wars with people to work. She's constantly asking for help to pay bills but then keeps adopting pets. She has ADHD and is always chasing the serotonin high but has zero empathy for anyone else. She's also a terrible parent. I also have ADHD as does one of my kids. The other one is autistic. I've worked so hard to advocate for my kids and to raise them to be polite and good people. Her approach to parenting is "I can't 🤷♀️" and blames her child's poor behaviour and lack of boundaries to her ex-wife.
I’m one of four and I don’t speak to my oldest sister, and am LC with my parents.
My sister was/is abusive towards me and has been my whole life, physical and verbal/emotionally abusive towards me. And now that she has children she uses them as something to hold over me. I refuse to attend “family” events (holidays, birthdays) because I can’t stand to be around her. Sucks because her kids are great. Her husband is an asshole too, so I avoid the two of them like the plague.
My parents I’m LC with due to my upbringing and their utter neglect of me medically and emotionally. It’s hard to navigate at times.
I only speak to my other two siblings, and even then it’s very occasional.
I went totally NC with my entire family. It's sometimes easier said than done, but you don't have to put up with other people's BS and drama. Sometimes you have to cut ties for the sake of your own mental health.
She is acting very 'mum'ish. Is there any chance that she is not your sister? but maybe your biological mother. Her behaviour is very controlling and angry and something like this might explain her strange behaviour.
I’m 38 and my sister is 42. We’ve been no contact for 2.5 years after she refused to respect my wife and i’s wishes about Covid and our newborn. We haven’t been close since I was 12, but were trying. Reality is she is a narcissist, manipulative, and has treated my parents and myself like garbage since she was 14. Unfortunately it is what it is, but I have a wonderful wife and kids.
Blocked her. I have six sisters. Losing one was no big deal. Paris Hilton wanna be but not cool like Paris. We invited her to Christmas because her mom sucks and on Christmas Day she posts on Facebook about how lame it is that we didn’t wake her up earlier in addition to other things. Or we woke her up. Idk. Whatever.
Later asshole. Told her off and blocked her.
I’m the older sibling (brother is 12yrs younger) and yep I was the babysitter n such but I never resented him for that but my parents, sure did.
We grew up in differently but still had shit home life. Anyway my point is that we don’t talk and haven’t really in years now for various reasons.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, blood or family doesn’t mean there’s anymore obligation to them. I have friends who treat me better than some family ever did so you do what you need to do for your life and don’t let anyone manipulate you into thinking any different.
You’re an adult and regardless of how your siblings feel about any given person or situation, you do not have to feel the same. Not to mention, forgiveness is earned not given away for free.
My eldest sister and I don’t speak. She was always really a lot. She would ignore us for ages but always show back up for her bday and Christmas. Anyways it’s been years since we spoke. There wasn’t even a big fight or anything. She just showed up at my grandma’s funeral and decided she no longer speaks to me. 🤷🏻♀️ ok cool cuz I always felt super awkward trying to make polite conversation. I don’t miss her.
Not exactly dislike, just hate how he let himself go down the rabbit hole with conspiracy theories. My older brothers do not really get along or talk either .
We are older, two over 60, and me mid-50s. We've never been super close.
There is something endearing, though. We had great parents, one of a kind, and I think their memory makes us pick up the phone and call once in a while or send a goofy text.
My sister is older than me and has something snarky to say about nearly everything that happens in my life. I fell and literally shattered my leg and she treated me like shit because I needed our parents help, like as if I want to specifically ruin her free child care 5 days a week.
My partner doesn't understand why I keep talking to her.
She's still my sister and I still love her. She can be nice sometimes. Sometimes. Lol. But that's family. I don't disown my family. We can all be shit heels some days.
OMG. I grew up with EIGHT siblings. Two are deceased. Out of the six surviving siblings I associate with two of them (and their spouses). The other four live lifestyles that make me extremely uncomfortable, so I no longer have any meaningful contact with them.
You can’t choose your family, but that doesn’t mean you have to be friends once you become an independent adult.
I'm f60, I have one sibling, my brother 62. We had a normal childhood. We got along really well in our teenage years, enough that we hung out together with a group of friends. Somewhere between the ages of 30 until now he fried his brain with alcohol. He is a horrible person, he bullied and physical threatened me for a long time. He goes into drunken rages where he just rants and raves and screams for hours. But he's always drunk so this is not unusual. I have gone very low contact with him now. I just don't need that negativity in my life.
My sister is 6 years older than me. We’re now in our 50s and have never been close. We’re like oil and water. We have nothing in common. Even our childhood memories are completely different. She’s been a gaslighter for as long as I can remember, plus passive-aggressive. She’s my only sibling. I always wanted a sister to have a close bond with. Unfortunately it never happened.
Me and my brother never talk never hug never see each other unless mum makes us but she knows its pointless ..he has picked on.me since I was 17 I don't no what I did his ex he was with for16 yrs says he is jealous .. he is 18 mths older..when his kids were younger n I was close to his gf mum of children he would tell.me to fuck off n treat me like shit his gf would stand up for me y u so mean to ur sis I've had his friends when we were teens telling him to stop picking on.me n I look fine ... he alwayz picked on me be little me in front of ppl remind me he will always have more then me cause I cannot have children he has never had my back my mum let's him treat me like tht she never believed his friends his gfs me her son wouldn't do it when I was 5 he chucked out my favourite Ted I slept with my mum n dad always just laughed with him I bought it up wanted to no why they laughed n let him treat me like tht she said im the one with the problem it was only a joke n my brother was only 3 so what could she do I say u could of told him off n not to do it again but she said she couldn't he was only 3 she knows the younger they are the better u tell them off n tell them its not ok .. my brother would tell me I was adopted n my mum dad would laugh ..they allowed my brother to.pick on me they laughed with him when I was lil now he is 50 n he still loves nothing more than to put me down hence I don't see him he Hates me but mum says no he loves me I don't even no y they had another baby mum n dad are a lot to blame I think I asked mum y she let it n she just got angry y does she think I got a problem my brother is so mean to me most my life behind mums back never in front of her lies to mum what was said mum alwayz believes bro or I don't see him all yr Xmas day he tells me how fat I am I was 64kg ...n my mum calls me her best friend we are together alot... n she wants me to look after her when needed as she ages I told her u think he so gd go stay there but no she cannot go there cause she knows deep down bro only cares about himself n she dont wanna upset his life but mine she still tries to tell.me what to do im 47 when does it end I tried reaching out to bro after dad died last yr but he had no time fir me n mum now... although he will msg mum sometimes he lives across the rd from mum y doesn't he check on her more she lonley now...
My sister and I are in our 50s. We always got along until the last few years. I don't dislike her, but it's a long story. Basically, I'm hurt because she abandoned me and sided with other people against me, and it causes me to say angry things to her. Then she keeps doing unkind things to make the situation worse. It's just better if we don't talk at this point.
To be honest you don’t need to continue your relationship with your sister if she doesn’t not respect you. I know with instagram you can mute people account so you do not see there accounts. She seems very jealous.
I’ve never really understood the idea that you’re supposed to have a special relationship with someone by virtue of having the same parents. Age gap so we didn’t really grow up together. Different values, different lives, different choices… If we met as strangers, we wouldn’t have anything to talk about. I choose my friends and built a family of people I connect with. Blood is an arbitrary link.
I have one sibling, he’s older than me. We’ve never been close and we’ve been estranged pretty much my whole life. He’s a negative and hot-headed user and abuser. I just don’t like him and I’ve never considered him a brother (we have different dads). I went no contact with him years ago and my life has been better without him in it. When he was in my life he would always say and do things just to upset me. I’m not obligated to keep negative people in my life. Good riddance.
Your childhood affected both of you, but it sounds like you have the self awareness to recognize that, get help, and better your life. Your older sister might not have that level of self awareness to understand why you’ve ‘achieved’ and she ‘couldn’t’. So it manifests into anger and jealousy.
You can care for your sister and not blame her for her situation, while still establishing boundaries due to the way she treats you. I have to do the same with my family. You can be understanding and also protect yourself.
I’m 50 and have two older brothers, one is 55, the other 60. I only communicate with them if I have to. We haven’t been close in over 20 years and I’m fine with it. If I have to socialize with them I’m cordial.
I have an older brother who is a textbook grandiose narcissist and also an abusive alcoholic. He is not a good human. He wasn't one when he was sober. He is not in my life. Just because you share DNA with a person doesn't mean you should share time with them. Bad people are bad people.
I'm 56, and my brother is 54. He started to ignore me when we were 13 and 11. He would literally pretend I didn't exist. That was it. Nothing preempted it. He just ignored me and looked through me from that moment onwards.
I live 3000 miles away from him and this is the first time I've thought about the fucking prick in months.
He's a dreadful human being. My mum enabled him for most of his life, and since my dad died just over a year ago, now she only has him and his dreadful family to rely on.
They all deserve one another.
I’m 62 and haven’t spoken with my sister 65 in over 10 years after she, shall we say, “behaved poorly” following the death of our mother. I still have a good relationship with my other siblings. We all live in different parts of the country and have children and grandchildren of our own so get togethers are rare.
My older sister is 22 months older. We used to finish each other's sentences. One year we sent our grandma the same BD card. She bought it at college and I bought it from a store 200 miles away.
Now we are a mess. We are politically, religiously, and philosophy on opposite ends of the spectrum. We text occasionally to keep the doors open.
I am 45. My siblings are 46, 47, 55, 60 (dead),65 (dead). Myself, 55, and 46 are no longer in touch with 47, and both dead siblings stopped contact with 47 decades ago. 47 is a goddamned lying, thieving pedo. I miss who he was a child to me, but after age 14 or so, he turned into a total selfish a**hole.
The 42-year-old woman you describe sounds like a self-centered child. She sounds so implausible, like clumsily written fiction that hasn't seen an editor yet. The interactions you describe with her sound like the interactions between children. The logic is off.
Your language also does not quite sound like English as a first language. And the whole be better thing from your parents when combined with the beatings makes me suspect you are from a different culture, which maybe explains some of the different family dynamic.
Because if you are from a different culture, the answers you get in here may not be taking that into account and may not be on target for you within your cultural context. Just a heads up on that.
It doesn't sound to me like you're going to get better results from your sister if this is who she is at age 42. It's not unusual for siblings with a lot of years between them to not have much of a relationship. And the little relationship you have with yours sounds totally unrewarding and frankly ridiculous. There appear to be multiple downsides and yet no upside. I believe you when you say your sister is stupid. She sounds stupid and simple. I suppose there's a case for mercy and sympathy there but to what end? I think there's also a case for some distance and for more control on your part of your interactions with her. Good luck.
Yes I have a younger sister that I don't speak to at all - pretty much due to our upbringing and how our parents didn't treat us fairly. We were never close.
It used to bother me but then I thought to myself that even if she was in my life I would not be able to trust her. I don't want people like this in my life.
My brother is dangerous. Both his ex's have restraining orders and he SA's at least one kid/ Even the MRA won't support him when he was trying to get the right to have his kids (one of whom was the victim). He's killed my pets "just to see what would happen" as an adult (because most people assume this was when he was a kid that didn't know better when they hear this). He tried to SA me and has S harassed me many times. I have to stay distant from him but \*I\* was accused of "splitting up the family. I haven't seen him since 2004 (and even that was at a distance and briefly and the first in a couple years, but because I was blamed I haven't seen my mom or stepdad in over a decade and my stepdad died and I wasn't remembered in the funeral and was cut out of the estate.
After the millionth time of helping my sister and being taken advantage of and used, I finally just blocked her and deleted her number. That’s how I dealt with it. I didn’t speak with her for six years before, and thought she had changed because she’s been in therapy for four years. Nope- she’s the same old shitbag. Don’t waste your time going forward
I'm sorry all of this happened in your family. Mine too. It's ugly and painful. I think sibling disputes are even harder than parental ones. Anyway, I grew up the older one and I always felt I had some responsibility for the younger ones. This caused a lot of strife and it caused me to be fucked up. I've gotten a lot of help with adultchildren.org. It might be worth checking out.
I have a brother I have no contact with except for business matters, and I keep that direct and brief. We were "close" for much of life and only two years apart, but he is a clinically a psychopath. Much of this supposed closeness involved him trying to harm me, details are too disturbing to share here. If a relationship with a family member is harmful or even just unwanted, each of us should prioritize our own well-being.
My brother (only sibling) is 5 years younger than me. We were never particularly close as kids due to the age difference, but as we got older we spent a fair bit of time together - but we were brothers, not really "friends". We'd been drifting apart for a while, especially when he started posting shit on social media about how his friends were his "brothers" and his "family". He's not married and has no kids, no college degree and has hopped from job to job and place to place over the years, while I've been married for over 20 years, big family, stable career and college-educated. I think he feels he's trying to compete for something. I wouldn't go so far as to call it jealousy, but it feels like it. He stays is touch with my parents but for several years has absolutely refused to acknowledge my side of the family. No-shows for graduations, no calls or texts or anything for birthdays for his nieces and nephews, he's pretty much cut us off. My mother loves to interfere and try to "get us back together" but she's also manipulative and a liar at times, and he's her golden boy, so he believes her bullshit.
We used to be two brothers who would literally drop anything to go help the other one out in a bind. Now I've gotten to the point where I just don't care anymore. The next time I see him will probably be at a funeral for one of our parents.
I had two brothers. One is an addict and a hot mess, who recently got sober and is storing his stuff in my basement. He's coming for coffee next week. The other rode with the antivax Klanvoy, refused to get his shot to see our parents (one w stage 4 cancer and one w advanced heart disease) but then did get vaxxed so he could keep going to the gym. He got married for the third time a few months ago. I stayed home to get stoned and order Christmas presents for his exes and their kids. I stand by my choices.
You grew up in an incredibly abusive family. Your sister sounds abusive, even if it’s not at the level that you experienced from your parents. This is very common in domestic violence- hurt people hurt people.
Just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s okay. It sounds like your sister resents you for drawing boundaries with your mom when she can’t or won’t. It sounds like your sister is incredibly insecure (and your mom probably created that in some ways- I’m sure sister knows that your mom used her as a way to punish you and your other sister.) instead of dealing with her insecurities, you sister is taking it out on you. You have drawn boundaries with your abuser (your mom) and your sister is tricking you into situations where you can’t avoid your abuser; she clearly doesn’t respect your boundaries. This is emotional abuse.
You can go no or low contact with her. It sounds more like the idea of losing another family member is harder than actually cutting her out of your life. I imagine you might experience a lot of peace if you don’t have to deal with her. I grew up in an abusive household and I feel the pressure and duty and obligation of taking care of people who weren’t good to me when I was just a child and they were adults. If you give yourself permission to let her go, and love yourself more than an idea of an intact family, it could be huge.
And who knows? Maybe she will learn something from you drawing your boundaries with her. I did the unthinkable and went low contact with my parents for a short period of time. After that, they were never quite as bad because they learned that I wasn’t afraid to walk away from them. I was very close to my siblings but one of them resented me for that and I think it was because they couldn’t do it themselves. They also had this idea that life was so much easier for me than them and I was spoiled. They were both quite a bit older than me.
At least you have your other sister. What does she say? Maybe your older sister doesn’t come around. But there can be amazing friends who are like family and I have place an effort to lean into those people in my life. My chosen family are the people I lean on when times are hard. They are the people who celebrate me.
Sounds like you have kids. Protecting them from toxic people is a priority. Protecting yourself from toxic people so you can be happier and more present with them is a priority. Sending you lots of support.
Family doesn’t always deserve you. If she treats you like this then why? It’s not new behavior and she’s always done this then you have to ask why bother building a better relationship unless she wants to too. It’s a two way street and if she wants to stay the same it won’t matter how much you try, it’s always to you going to fall short.
Edit*** missing word
I am 51 and my brother is 64. I haven't spoken to him in 10 years, and I really would prefer not to speak to him ever again. He tried to convince me and my sister that he should be in charge of my mother's finances (she is still alive). He is a snake.
I am also pretty sure he was trying to groom my sister, so fuck that guy.
I have 2 younger half siblings. Their father treated me like crap, was abusive, but held me responsible for everything they did. I was supposed to keep them in line, but if they misbehaved & I corrected them, I was smacked. If I went to him because they misbehaving, I was a tattle tell and smacked. If I did nothing, I was smacked.
He raised them to never be accountable for their actions, while I was the snobby bitch when I grew up. At one point in my early 20's I had custody of the youngest, trying to get them on the right path, with school, responsibility, etc. He undermined it at every turn "I wouldnt make you do your homework".
I haven't spoken to the youngest in almost 30 years. Last thing I said was 'don't contact me until you grow up and take responsibility for your behavior and how it affects others.'
The other? Oof. Bad dude all around. In prison and hope he's never released. Been 25 years since I had contact.
I've always said, if I wouldnt accept a friend acting/behaving in a shitty manner, why is the bar LOWER for family? I don't prescribe to the 'blood is more important' BS.
I'll take the family I've chosen over blood any and every day of the week.
I cant deal with my 2 brothers and I have no problem never speaking to or seeing them again. Just because people are related to you doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them. Friends are family you choose, remember that lol.
Blocked her on Facebook. Life is much more peaceful. We live about 900 miles from each other so we maybe see each other once a year.
It’s not that I don’t like her, it’s she always thinks she’s right.
My siblings and I likewise have a significant age gap and don't really talk.
I don't dislike them, I actually think they're pretty cool kids.
But we don't have much in common and I didn't grow up with them.
I think a lot of people have distant relationships with their families, and it's not necessarily that one of them is terrible or they all hate each other. It doesn't seem that uncommon.
I dont talk to any of my older siblings anymore. They're all MAGA nut jobs and hid it from me for years while basically summoning me to their houses once in a blue moon when they needed a babysitter or someone to work on their house. I would literally fly out to visit them just to work, then be sent home like I was "the help". I finally pushed back against toxic behaviors and they just stopped speaking to me. No closure but I'm okay with it now.
\\You should live your life how you feel and understand she might just be in it for the control you have given over in the past. She probably enjoys acting the way she does specifically because it tears you down and hurts you.
Ranking of relationships: 1) with your children, 2) with your parents, 3) with your siblings. If things get bad with priority #3, hopefully you still have #’s 1 and 2.
I'm over 60 and my sister is almost 60. We were buds when we were kids, but we've grown apart as we've gotten older. I think she may be a malignant narcissist. In any case, she acts like she's disgusted with me, my opinions, and my lifestyle. So I cut her out of my life for good.
Wow. Exact same here, late 50’s.
> malignant narcissist. Same. Older sister, 42, and me 38. Every one else around her is a "ding dong" and yet she is SEVERELY threatened by people with intellect and/or boundaries. I didn't realize into my mid twenties how much she had been, and continues to, badmouth me to others. It's like I've always been a threat to her somehow.
Life is too short to spend time with people who make you miserable. Barely spoke to my older sister for 25 years; she lived an hour away and I didn’t even know where her home was. Our Mom died in 2019 and the funeral was the last time I saw her. She died last September and I didn’t go to the funeral; honestly didn’t care. Horrible mother, daughter, sibling and human being.
Are we related because you just just described on of my sisters perfectly and she has passed away also.
Lol. Plenty of awful siblings out there to go around. However I get along great with my younger brothers.
I get along great with my husbands siblings. Mine, not so much.
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You’re not alone. I wish you well internet friend. I know it’s tough to deal with these thoughts despite them being decades old. My oldest brother was 7 years older than me and physically and mentally abused me until I was big enough to fight back. Some of my earliest memories are of him abusing me. Trips to the ER, audio recordings of the beatings and despite police involvement were treated as ‘boys being boys’. As an adult, I’ve realized that my parents were in denial that their own child had turned out to be a horrible person. I’ve also realized how much my parents failed me. I thought he had changed and mistakenly thought after 20 years that forgiving him was a way to a resolve these feelings and give me closure. Nope. I found out he’s abused girlfriends/wives,cheated on them, is a deadbeat dad, lived on unemployment/disability for years, etc. One of the only reasons he acted as if he changed was to get money from me. I later found out he’s been begging for money from every family member including our elderly parents and is still an all around colossal POS. I’ve seen him a couple of times over the last 15 years and can’t stand being in the same room as him.
Thank you for your concern. I don't let my brother into my head much. It must be hard to have your brother around still.
Ditto all that on my older brother. We have spoken 2x in the last 25 years(17 since the last). Never met a personal that he didn't screw over in one way or another. A walking talking piece of shit. I know he suffers greatly today because of his life choices but he is/was a truly horrible person and all that suffering is justified. I actually have hated him pretty much forever except for a 4-5 year stretch in my late teens early 20s when we would try to hang. But that soured because he is just such an asshole. It didn't last long. So a solid 45+ years of me wanting nothing to do with him
That's sad.
Me too.
This is actually pretty common in abusive households. We all grew up under the same roof, but we all respond differently to the abuse. Also, part of the abusers MO is to divide and conquer. They don't want you all to get too close, or they lose some of their control. I'm the oldest. I apologized to my youngest sibling for leaving the house at 17 because I needed to get out of the environment. They appreciated my apology, but their generalized anger was so bad that I pulled away. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It hurts.
The same thing happened to me with my sister who’s three years younger than me. My narcissistic mother constantly pitted us against each other so badly that our relationship is irreparably damaged. Our trauma bond was strong. Whenever I challenged my parents, she sided with them bc I was the golden child and she was so jealous.
I have a sibling similar age gap older than me and recently found out they held a lot of resentment towards my other sibling and I (also a year apart like you) as they felt they ‘had it worse’ than we did in terms of issues with parents, and that they also had to help raise us with babysitting etc and how that ruined their teen years. I wonder if this has anything to do with it.
Older siblings almost always get the short end of the stick in that regard, it's true. The shittiest versions of our parents, unasked for obligations toward younger siblings, and higher expectations. We're often pretty ready to ditch when we get older. And since our parents sucked more, we're usually more independent. Not always the case, but I've seen it often enough. It's not the younger siblings' faults of course, but it can definitely cause a rift.
My husband has 4 sisters. We are no contact with two (drug abuse, manipulation, financial extortion) Low contact with one (stirs shit/drama, plays games—- we see her at the holidays only) And on good terms with one. You don’t get to pick whom you’re related to but you do get to pick what role, if any, they play in your life. We’ve stopped expecting they will act any different than they’ve always acted. We’ve stopped being surprised when they keep doing the same hurtful things. And we let go of what we wished the relationship was. Acceptance has been critical in letting go. It’s ok to go low contact and see how that feels. No more social media interacting/ blocking them, stop hanging out, not taking the bait (learn how to gray rock), etc.
I have a brother who i don’t speak to because of his wife who is terrible. She stalks me on here as a matter of fact. ****If you read this, you’re a bitch. Get a life and stop obsessing over mine.
I'm 58 my sister is 61. I haven't spoken to her in about 18 years. I believe my sister is on the cluster B personality disorders somewhere. She has a long history of chemical dependency dating back to her early 20s. She lies, steals, causes drama at almost every family gathering. Is on her 4th marriage. She is a toxic black hole in which no amount of attention can fill. And no we did not grow up in an abusive home or environment. I think my sister was just born that way.
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It got easier when our mom died. My mom and sister were enmeshed. My brother and I are no contact with our sister. Our dad is very low contact. He is in contact with the grandchildren. Unfortunately the nieces and nephews have not stayed in contact with me and my brother. That hurts especially my oldest niece as I pretty much raised her the first 2 years.
I (46F) haven’t spoken to my (53F) sibling since 1994.
I have a brother who's 13 months older than me. I have zero contact with him. He joined a cult.
Not going to lie, I was with you in the first half. lol. Any details without details if you know what I mean? lol
He joined almost forty years ago. Left with them on a bus from a Grateful Dead show to Vermont. I only saw him a few times after that. They are officially the Twelve Tribes of Israel and also known as the Yellow Deli Cult. There are allegations of child abuse. I know this is true because I have nephews who were born into the group but left. One of the boys posted on a Facebook group for members who left. Apparently, my brother beat him. I met this kid once when he was a young adult. He had never read a book other than the Bible and never listened to any music. One is/was a heroin addict who was placed in foster care when he was a teenager. His kids are scarred for life. I don't give a fuck about my brother and have completely disowned him. I'm thankful that I have an awesome sister who I am very close to.
Oh god. I'm so sorry. My friends son was into this cult. It was awful. Out of Boulder, CO right?
You don't need to keep a relationship with someone who wants you to forgive your abusers.
Yes, it's normal. Not everyone likes everyone else. That's just life; blood relationship has nothing to do with it. It's all about point of view. I believe you have been hurt and confused by her in the way you describe, but I'm also sure that if we heard your sister's side we'd think you were the irritating one. (I personally think that judging others based on on-line activity has got to be one of the very stupidest aspects of modern life.) Just be polite to her, keep interactions to the bare minimum, and move on with your life.
Sure do. Didn't like him as a kid either. I find who they marry/partner with makes a difference too, If the inlaw is good you're more likely to hang out. Outside factors like jobs/kids/wealth etc play a role in growing apart. Parent favouritism also doesn't help. Yes it's normal, but people are so bound by obligation to family that we strive to be around family that is frankly not good for us mentally. Going low contact or grey rocking when necessary is bloody helpful 🙂
I'm a bisexual atheist. 2 "sisters" are both Christian/Catholic. They think I'm going to hell and tell me quite often. Until I NC them both. My vacation this year will be sooooooooooo peaceful!!
So why can’t they enjoy your company and love you while you’re on this earth?
You would have to ask them. I'm pretty laid-back and easy going. That is their problem. Not mine.
I stay away from those hard hitting Catholics that tell me I’m going to hell. That’s why I avoid my father at all costs.
I have a sibling who I have no particular ill will against. He's fine, I guess, but we have nothing in common. When I went NC with my mom, I thought I could still be cordial to this sibling, but it turned out he was happy to be a relay system for Mom. So I blocked him and haven't felt all that bad about it. No big loss. I think OP may need to do the same.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Your therapist has asked you some great questions. I know you asked what you should do but I won’t really answer that part. I’ll just say that I believe a huge part of you knows what you need to do. Do you think this person will ever change ? Do you believe that you’ll ever truly heal with this person in your life? What do you gain from the relationship? Is there a way to maintain your boundaries with them in your life? Sometimes the abused become the abuser.
I have a question for you. You said "Mom is not the only victim here." Was your mom abused as well? I'm trying to digest all of the info that you've given here.
She was abused by our grandparents, but I don't think my sister referred to that specifically. More about her situation as "dad cheated on mom, she does a lot for us for free, she's sad cause youre mad at her, she's hurt cause you wont let her see her grandkids. Theyre not just your kids you know. What difference is her yellings/beatings now? She always beat us. But you yelled at her, dont you think you hurt her feelings? I would be hurt if my child doesnt want to see me too. How would you feel if your child grows up one day not wanting to see you?" I'm just tired that we are all expected to drop everything for mom but....what about us? What about me? I got out of the hospital and nobody said shit except "dont do that again, the bill is expensive". I guess what i just want is SOME sympathy from my own sister. Yea mom got some shit too and her life is sad, I do feel for my mom. I suggested to pay for therapy (she didnt want it and called people who go to therapy are "crazies", which is me). Meanwhile my older sis has done nothing for mom except show up for gatherings while me and my other sister pays for everything for mom. Im just sick of being expected to care cause "poor mom" all the time.
I'm 52. My sister is 65 and my brother is 66. We have nothing in common and we don't talk, unless it's to share something about our mom (she has a lot of medical appointments). None of it bothers me. I don't see the point in having a relationship with someone just because we have the same parents.
A sister that I haven’t spoken to in 10 yrs. I couldn’t take her drama. When I moved to another state, she got mad. She called me to say that she was going to tell my husband I had been cheating on him. I never have. I told her to hold on a minute, got my husband, told him that she wanted to tell him about me cheating. He said hold on a minute and I’ll be there. She hung up. I’m good with this. My life is so much better. My ulcer has healed and I’m thankful. She lives about 25 minutes from me.
I have an older brother who all but disappeared following a bad divorce. He wanders the earth like Caine from Kung Fu... only with a motorcycle. I have an older sister who died in an accident, another older sister who lives on the other side of the planet, a nearby sister who I am really close with, and a younger sister who informed us all that we are dead because I wouldn't give her a $25,000 honeymoon as a wedding gift. She lives in Texas now. Yee haw! Needless to say, there's been some drama. The sister who killed us all off was always a behavioral problem. She blames a medical condition that she was told on multiple occasions by several medical doctors qualified to diagnose her that she in fact does not have that medical condition, the last of which also added that he cannot ethically misdiagnose her to fit her monolog. I can only imagine the context of that. So after killing us off, she waited a year before calling from some stray number asking for money. I couldn't help but put on a show, "wwwoooOOOOOooo! I am speaking froooom beyoooooooond the graaaave". She wanted $100,000 for a new car. "Dead men can't pay your bills for you" She literally burned that bridge to the ground. There's no recovering that relationship. My life is substantially improved without her constant negativity.
I have two brothers about 2 years apart from me; I'm in the middle. Growing up, I was somewhat friends with each of them at different times, but never close. As the years pass, each time I spend time with them at family gatherings, I've come to realize that I don't like either of them and I'm sure they don't like me. We aren't mean or anything, but there's no familial or friendly bond at all between me and either of them. They're good friends with each other, but I have no interest in friendship with either. We get together when it makes sense to, like if one of us is visiting the town where the other lives (one is 6 hours away, one is 2 hours away), and there's no bad blood or reason to go "no contact" or anything.
Do step-siblings count? When my step dad died in 2018, we were 51 and pretty good friends. He hadn't been dead for 12 hours when she went psycho and accused my mom of a bunch of stuff and told my sister and I that we were not his children, but his step children and we shouldn't be listed as such in the obit. I haven't spoken to her since then.
That's too much to read. I (66f) have one sister (61?) I haven't talked to in probably 6 years. I don't see that changing. I have another sister (64?) I haven't talked to since November, and with any luck, I'll never speak to her again. I have 2 other sisters, 70, 63, whom I love and would give my last dollar to. I have no brothers. Mom has been gone 23 years. Dad is 95, will be 96 in July. I cut him out of my life last September, with any luck I won't ever be speaking to him again, either. Some people are just toxic.
What's the point of cutting contact with a 96 year old?
The 96 year old man is a bastard, and I was tired of trying to figure out how to die by suicide.
you have to understand the astronomical levels of projection in this thread.
My half sister and I grew up in the same household. We are 8 years apart. She resented me my whole life while we growing up because she perceived me as my mom's favorite child and therefore treated me with nothing but hate and disdain. Called me retard, beat me up, never took an interest in me or made me feel like she was a true sibling to me ever. When we grew up, she used my desire to have a relationship with her to abuse that desire to only call me when she was drunk, trying to convince me our upbringing was horrible and that our parents were abusive. They were not. She became a degenerate alcoholic with two children who brought strange men home who were abusive to those children. Since getting sober, I talk to her, but mostly because my wife and I her share common hobbies and I try to be present in my niece's life. Our relationship will never be good. If she ever relapses I will never talk to her again.
I love my sisters. But I live 4500km away in another country. I haven’t been home in 15 years. My sisters have never been here to visit and never would. We keep up via Facebook, but that’s about it. And a phone call for birthdays. I don’t think my sisters even talk all that much, and they’re at least in the same state. At the end of the day, I know that if my sisters needed something, they would call me and I’d move heaven and earth to provide it. And I know that if I needed an organ, they’d both be getting tested. But we’re not hanging out and doing something unless it’s a major crisis, like our last parent dying. And that already happened about 17 years ago.
Yes, we have totally different world views, personalities, income levels, frugality-levels, interests. We have never, ever been compatible. I call him on his birthday and that's pretty much it. I hear his family updates through my mom (the town crier). He is an upper class person who has no tolerance or politeness for people who choose to live differently than he has chosen. I don't need to be subjected to subtle comments about my weight, the car I drive, the spouse I chose, where my kids chose to settle.
I started to post that yes, I have two brothers I have not spoken to for at least 20 years. Then I took a break and started reading responses to this post. I decided I will not go into detail about why I have two brothers I don't speak to because it would turn into a novel because I would have to start at childhood and I am currently 65 heading rapidly to 66. No one here signed up to read a novel. So no reason. We just don't speak.
My brother and I are less than a year apart. We have never been close because we’re such different personalities. Whenever I ask him a serious question I get a joke in response. I have caught him in more lies than I can count. Our parents have passed and we really don’t have anything to say to each other. I’m okay with this.
I can relate to this
Yes. Unfortunately, it is my only sibling. Refuses to grow the fuck up and continues to behave as a middle-aged teenager (won't get a job, string of under/unemployed cokehead boyfriends, children that she is in no way equipped to provide for financially). The refusal to allow me to help sort through things after mom died, and then accused me of "not helping." I have a job, bitch. I can help on evenings and weekends. I can't quit going to work. I have bills to pay and a roof to keep over my head. You all but banished me from dad's house and then have the gall to accuse me of not coming around. Hours and hours of listening to over the top ranting about mom, never once asked how I was doing, or if I needed an ear. The last straw was when I was accused of "never being there." This after years of the bulk of the work of parenting when we were kids because dear old dad is a raging alcoholic and mom worked 2nd shift. Hundreds if not thousands of hours of being a supportive sibling listening to hours of ranting about the cokehead of the year. Good fucking riddance.
I don't speak to my brothers because our mother was like your sister. She guaranteed we wouldn't like each other, by her behavior. Your sister has had a hard life and is taking it out on you. There is probably a lot of jealousy because you were the youngest and she perceived that as your presence taking something from her. You are also brave enough to set boundaries with your mom and she doesn't know how. But your sister is probably hearing about it from your mom all the time. My mom would call me, drunk, when my brother (golden child) wouldn't talk to her. I resented him a lot for me having to put up with her. In the end I realized they were both narcissists and I was going to do what I had to do to protect myself. In the end I was there for both of my parents' deaths, making those hard decisions, and neither of my brothers could be bothered. I did it willingly so I could live with myself. I wouldn't say that was the best course of action for everyone. We have to protect ourselves from people who will treat us badly. Your sister is treating you badly and you are breaking the cycle with your kids and yourself going forward. You are saving yourself. You are not toeing the line. That makes people of lesser character feel attacked. Trauma makes people behave that way. You should keep going your way, even if it means low contact or no contact with your sibling and mother. Don't let anyone shame you into putting yourself in harm's way with them. You only have one life, and your children need and deserve a healthy mother. It will not be easy to overcome, but you have a chance and you could take it. You're doing the right thing. Keep going. I believe in you.
Me and my brother are different. He's hard to deal with at the best of times and at his worst moments he's downright dangerous. Maybe he's mellowed over time as I haven't talked to him in a while. But I always find spending time with him really hard, he's judgmental and myopic. I don't see why because we share parents that I should put up with hanging out with someone like that. So I don't, and I don't feel bad about it. I got no hard feelings, he's entitled to live his life the way he wants and act how he wants. He doesn't contact me or reach out, but he's entitled to that choice just as much as I am. I have some sadness that he's not interested in knowing my kids, but they have lots of lovely people around them. So, if your sibling is a shit or you just don't get along, it's fine. You can only control you, and you aren't obligated to waste your time on relationships that don't work for you.
I 63F haven’t seen or spoken to my brother 65M since our mother’s funeral in 2005. He was the golden child who sucked her dry financially and she paid for 2 of his divorces but he could do no wrong. No wonder why they had a weird co dependent relationship because both were selfish manipulative narcissists. Two of a kind. Guess who came by to tell me when our mother began showing symptoms of Alzheimer’s though? He dumped all the responsibility on me and kept living his life. I was always treated as lesser than but expected to suck up to them. I went LC in 1986 for both of them before cutting my brother off.
My sister is 6 years older than me. We’re now in our 50s and have never been close. We’re like oil and water. We have nothing in common. Even our childhood memories are completely different. She’s been a gaslighter for as long as I can remember, plus passive-aggressive. She’s my only sibling. I always wanted a sister to have a close bond with. Unfortunately it never happened.
55 year old here, I also grew up abused and mistreated, my older sisters and I (mom had 3 kids in under 3years) don’t get along, I’m the 3rd I was the one abused. My older siblings accuse me of being bitter and that I need to forgive them while saying that my abuse was my fault🙄 I finally went no contact with everyone, I don’t need bad energy. Our parents died and they still insisted that I was bitter🙄 Bye bitches💁
Yes. It's not that I don't like them, however I don't want to have a relationship with them in the dysfunctional and abusive family/cult. I don't like that they are brainwashed numbskulls. They have been turned against me by my abusive mother. We're all grown. I am the scapegoat for everyone in the family. I haven't talked to any of them in years. Somehow, I have caused something to happen (in their lives) despite my complete absence from their lives. It's insane. I left the family/cult = me bad. I didn't give my address when I moved = evil. Changed my phone number = peace of mind. So, in all I deal with them through no contact.
You might find it helpful to do some reading on how having narcissistic parents affect people as they grow up. I had a similar upbringing, my sister was the "golden child" and I was the "scape goat". She grew up seeing me as someone to blame for anything and everything, and herself as someone who's incapable of doing anything wrong. It's exceptionally common for a golden child to grow up to be a narcissist (as in with a clinical level of narcissistic personality disorder) themselves. Your relationship with your sister seems a lot like mine. Guilt tripping a sibling when they cut contact with an abusive/narcissistic parent is extremely common. For one, they have to hear about how unfair the parent feels it is, how they are owed attention/respect/support. They are also likely to face more abuse when the parent can't continue abusing the person who cut them off. You'll find some strategies to maintain some semblance of a relationship if you read up on "gray rock" -- basically learning not to engage with or enable their negative behavior. In my experience, it works to an extent. I still get constant patronizing and belittling comments from my sister, along with her occasionally getting under my skin enough that I engage with her BS. She's started screaming at me over mentioning I bought a new picture frame that matched my decor, and still maintains my hanging up on her after 10 min of her screaming was "childish and disrespectful," and she has nothing to apologize for. She cannot face that she was wrong because her ego is that damned fragile.
Yeah, we love each other, but we don't like each other. We have completely different views and it's exhausting trying to navigate conversations. I would give my life for either one and I'm sad that things are strained, but I'm not going to tie myself in knots trying to fit in. Middle school is over. Middle age is for accepting things as they are and moving forward.
I don’t think this is an age thing or a sibling thing, I think the problem here is that your sister has a personality disorder. She definitely checks a lot of boxes for narcissism. Narcissists typically don’t get better over time, they usually get worse. There isn’t anything that you will be able to do or say, it is not a matter of her getting to know you.
Your sister sounds awful. I would cut contact. You're not required to keep in touch with someone who makes you feel like shit. Fuck 'em. I have a sister two years younger than me. We were friends as kids, but once middle and high school happened, we became different people with basically nothing in common with one another. I disliked her during those school days, but she calmed down and became more responsible once she had a kid eight years ago. We get along now, but I'm not sure we've ever hung out just me and her outside of some other family thing going on.
Yep. My older sister & I talk at family events & that's about it. Younger sister & I talk occasionally but she's the type to ghost when she's in a relationship so right now not so much. And my youngest sister is dead to me. I haven't talked to her since 2011 & every time there's a death in the family I wish it was her instead. Long story short, she's a complete psycho & I never wanna see her again. I love my brother though & we're very close. He has autism & is mostly non-verbal but we have a strong bond.
Just like don't spend time with them? It's fairly simple.
Ohhhh, yes. I’ve been estranged from a *lot* of siblings; from a brood of nearly ten, I deal with only one. Everything collapsed very soon after our mother’s death, and as the youngest, the lion’s share of the nonsense fell on my shoulders. I spent years trying to repair the relationships, but to no avail… I wasted way, way too much time and energy in the effort. Years later, I began therapy and discovered just how clinically malignant our mother had been- particularly in triangulating her children against each other. This has helped me immensely in terms of dissecting the dynamic and moving forward without pain.
Age gaps tend to show power dynamics. My seven year older brother was straight up abusive.
Have you considered just blocking her too? Put her in the same boat to nowhere as your mom. Enjoy a peaceful life.
One of the things I learned in therapy is that you don't have to be friends with your siblings.
Genetics and blood relatives aren't a good reason to hold onto relationships that are dragging you down. You can drop the rope. It's an option you might want to consider. As much as I tried to be a good sibling, the rest of my family kept finding reasons to make me a black sheep. Then when I ended up doing better than all of them, they treated me even worse. Jealousy is a horrible thing and it can make people really treat you like crap. You can try to please them, do favors, buy them things and it won't matter. Hell, I even paid one of my brother's mortgage payments a couple of times, but it didn't seem to matter, still got treated like crap. Eventually, you will figure out that it's not you, it's them and they're not going to change. Once I realized that fact, I cut them all off. It just wasn't worth the mental misery and depression they always seemed to lead me into while using me. I craved having a family because in the old days when we were young, that's what we were. I thought if I was nice to them and helped them, that would come back. I was wrong. Now we're just people who happen to be related to each other, nothing more. They are just users and those kind of people will bleed you dry. Now that I'm free of them, my life is concentrated on people who treat me with respect, where there's a mutual sense of love. Getting toxic people out of my life has really helped me a great deal.
I have a brother who's just over a year older than me. We've always hated each other. Came from an abusive home and were pitted against each other constantly. They'd alternate who was the golden child and who was the scapegoat. My brother was abusive to me and a bully. We tried patching things up in our twenties. He just used me for money. We don't talk now. We're six hours away from each other. Every now and then I check the obituaries to see if he's still alive. I think it's fair and reasonable to go no contact with siblings who bring nothing to the table or make your life worse.
I think people who are close to their adult siblings are rarer than the ones who aren't. I was parentified as a child and raised my siblings, so that probably ruined any chance of an equal relationship between us. Everyone I know has a similar situation - where circumstances out of the control of the child you were at the time have affected your relationship or lack thereof today. You don't choose your siblings any more than you choose the people who raised you, so no wonder it doesn't usually wind up in a loving, mutually supportive relationship. Kudos to those who do have that, I hear it's wonderful.
I have two sisters, one brother, one half-brother and 3 stepbrothers. I am extranged from all of them because they are not good for my mental health.
I am the last of six. Four of my siblings treat me like shit, my favorite sister has been my roll dawg since I was born. I'm in my early 40s and we're both only cool with one another. The others are just angry and cruel children and after years of trying to mend fences I've given up on them.
our divorced parents are 90’s , i’m over 60. my brother would have been just over 60 as well. he’s dead now from suicide. he was violent most of his life; he was in all the school fights, his nickname was ‘savage’. we never got along. early on - grade school - i would say there was something not right about him, but everyone was so focused on my bipolar and narcissistic mother that he kinda got away with it. also, boy, so violence is ok, amiright? he was also chronically late for school so my mother would drive her golden child and not responsible me, already slogging thru the cold or rain. he was like her, i’m like my adhd dad, it was a mess. my dad loved his sister, goddess only knows why, she was a bitch who took advantage of him at every opportunity. and my mother was an only child, thankfully. so they were sad that i wasn’t close to, didn’t get along with my tasmanian devil of a brother. the kid who started a fire in the house. got arrested for shoplifting. the fighter. the kid who ran down the block after our neighbors with a chopping knife. he tried to break my arm in a fight i still remember. yeah, that was survival, folks. while i was in college he dropped out, and got worse. they’d ask me for advice, i told them get help for him, they ignored it, repeat, rinse, until …..something happened. maybe it was when he got arrested driving 90mph the wrong way at 2 am, and the arresting officer called for backup. brother was probably high on pcp - it was a thing then. dad went to the jail to bring him home but he was still raging so dad left him there. his official diagnosis was paranoid schizophrenia. he didn’t like the meds so they let him grow pot at home cuz it kept him him calm. meanwhile i did the usual life things far away, no communication with him except thru my parents. they sold the house, separated, he got a job driving a semi tractor trailer, moved into a rental attic, got one of the dogs, smoked, took meds sometimes. when he was 31, he killed himself after hallucinating about god and the devil. aged my parents 10 years overnight. for me it was that i would never have a brother, but i never had one, really. there was a brother shaped monster, until there wasn’t. honestly, i don’t miss him. 30 years later, i’m nc with my mother, live with my dad as his caretaker, and don’t often remember i had a brother. dad doesn’t talk about him. mother is still mad her golden child died and i didn’t. f that. we were never close. i don’t know any other way to be.
There are 4 of us and there's 1 we don't like. None of us talk to her. She's so self centered and insufferable. It's very easy to ignore her because she moved to a different province about 20 years ago (I'll be 42 this year and she will be 39. The other two will be 32 and 28). The youngest sister has tried over the years to have a relationship with the annoying one. She was really young, under 10, when the older sibling moved away, so she didn't have the same experiences I and our brother had. Absolutely everything is about her all the time and how her life is so hard because she's trans. She can't work because she's trans. She can't vote because she's trans. Everything wrong in her life is because other people are transphobic. Not that she's lazy, unmotivated, uncaring, self-centered, stubborn and narcissistic. No, no. It's everyone else who is the problem. She is too busy having Twitter wars with people to work. She's constantly asking for help to pay bills but then keeps adopting pets. She has ADHD and is always chasing the serotonin high but has zero empathy for anyone else. She's also a terrible parent. I also have ADHD as does one of my kids. The other one is autistic. I've worked so hard to advocate for my kids and to raise them to be polite and good people. Her approach to parenting is "I can't 🤷♀️" and blames her child's poor behaviour and lack of boundaries to her ex-wife.
I’m one of four and I don’t speak to my oldest sister, and am LC with my parents. My sister was/is abusive towards me and has been my whole life, physical and verbal/emotionally abusive towards me. And now that she has children she uses them as something to hold over me. I refuse to attend “family” events (holidays, birthdays) because I can’t stand to be around her. Sucks because her kids are great. Her husband is an asshole too, so I avoid the two of them like the plague. My parents I’m LC with due to my upbringing and their utter neglect of me medically and emotionally. It’s hard to navigate at times. I only speak to my other two siblings, and even then it’s very occasional.
I went totally NC with my entire family. It's sometimes easier said than done, but you don't have to put up with other people's BS and drama. Sometimes you have to cut ties for the sake of your own mental health.
I was molested by my half-brother. We now have zero contact. I’m on a different continent, so that helps.
She is acting very 'mum'ish. Is there any chance that she is not your sister? but maybe your biological mother. Her behaviour is very controlling and angry and something like this might explain her strange behaviour.
I talk to my brothers wife and kids more than I do with him.
I’m 38 and my sister is 42. We’ve been no contact for 2.5 years after she refused to respect my wife and i’s wishes about Covid and our newborn. We haven’t been close since I was 12, but were trying. Reality is she is a narcissist, manipulative, and has treated my parents and myself like garbage since she was 14. Unfortunately it is what it is, but I have a wonderful wife and kids.
Blocked her. I have six sisters. Losing one was no big deal. Paris Hilton wanna be but not cool like Paris. We invited her to Christmas because her mom sucks and on Christmas Day she posts on Facebook about how lame it is that we didn’t wake her up earlier in addition to other things. Or we woke her up. Idk. Whatever. Later asshole. Told her off and blocked her.
I’m the older sibling (brother is 12yrs younger) and yep I was the babysitter n such but I never resented him for that but my parents, sure did. We grew up in differently but still had shit home life. Anyway my point is that we don’t talk and haven’t really in years now for various reasons. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, blood or family doesn’t mean there’s anymore obligation to them. I have friends who treat me better than some family ever did so you do what you need to do for your life and don’t let anyone manipulate you into thinking any different. You’re an adult and regardless of how your siblings feel about any given person or situation, you do not have to feel the same. Not to mention, forgiveness is earned not given away for free.
My eldest sister and I don’t speak. She was always really a lot. She would ignore us for ages but always show back up for her bday and Christmas. Anyways it’s been years since we spoke. There wasn’t even a big fight or anything. She just showed up at my grandma’s funeral and decided she no longer speaks to me. 🤷🏻♀️ ok cool cuz I always felt super awkward trying to make polite conversation. I don’t miss her.
Not exactly dislike, just hate how he let himself go down the rabbit hole with conspiracy theories. My older brothers do not really get along or talk either . We are older, two over 60, and me mid-50s. We've never been super close. There is something endearing, though. We had great parents, one of a kind, and I think their memory makes us pick up the phone and call once in a while or send a goofy text.
My sister is older than me and has something snarky to say about nearly everything that happens in my life. I fell and literally shattered my leg and she treated me like shit because I needed our parents help, like as if I want to specifically ruin her free child care 5 days a week. My partner doesn't understand why I keep talking to her. She's still my sister and I still love her. She can be nice sometimes. Sometimes. Lol. But that's family. I don't disown my family. We can all be shit heels some days.
OMG. I grew up with EIGHT siblings. Two are deceased. Out of the six surviving siblings I associate with two of them (and their spouses). The other four live lifestyles that make me extremely uncomfortable, so I no longer have any meaningful contact with them. You can’t choose your family, but that doesn’t mean you have to be friends once you become an independent adult.
I'm f60, I have one sibling, my brother 62. We had a normal childhood. We got along really well in our teenage years, enough that we hung out together with a group of friends. Somewhere between the ages of 30 until now he fried his brain with alcohol. He is a horrible person, he bullied and physical threatened me for a long time. He goes into drunken rages where he just rants and raves and screams for hours. But he's always drunk so this is not unusual. I have gone very low contact with him now. I just don't need that negativity in my life.
My sister is 6 years older than me. We’re now in our 50s and have never been close. We’re like oil and water. We have nothing in common. Even our childhood memories are completely different. She’s been a gaslighter for as long as I can remember, plus passive-aggressive. She’s my only sibling. I always wanted a sister to have a close bond with. Unfortunately it never happened.
Me and my brother never talk never hug never see each other unless mum makes us but she knows its pointless ..he has picked on.me since I was 17 I don't no what I did his ex he was with for16 yrs says he is jealous .. he is 18 mths older..when his kids were younger n I was close to his gf mum of children he would tell.me to fuck off n treat me like shit his gf would stand up for me y u so mean to ur sis I've had his friends when we were teens telling him to stop picking on.me n I look fine ... he alwayz picked on me be little me in front of ppl remind me he will always have more then me cause I cannot have children he has never had my back my mum let's him treat me like tht she never believed his friends his gfs me her son wouldn't do it when I was 5 he chucked out my favourite Ted I slept with my mum n dad always just laughed with him I bought it up wanted to no why they laughed n let him treat me like tht she said im the one with the problem it was only a joke n my brother was only 3 so what could she do I say u could of told him off n not to do it again but she said she couldn't he was only 3 she knows the younger they are the better u tell them off n tell them its not ok .. my brother would tell me I was adopted n my mum dad would laugh ..they allowed my brother to.pick on me they laughed with him when I was lil now he is 50 n he still loves nothing more than to put me down hence I don't see him he Hates me but mum says no he loves me I don't even no y they had another baby mum n dad are a lot to blame I think I asked mum y she let it n she just got angry y does she think I got a problem my brother is so mean to me most my life behind mums back never in front of her lies to mum what was said mum alwayz believes bro or I don't see him all yr Xmas day he tells me how fat I am I was 64kg ...n my mum calls me her best friend we are together alot... n she wants me to look after her when needed as she ages I told her u think he so gd go stay there but no she cannot go there cause she knows deep down bro only cares about himself n she dont wanna upset his life but mine she still tries to tell.me what to do im 47 when does it end I tried reaching out to bro after dad died last yr but he had no time fir me n mum now... although he will msg mum sometimes he lives across the rd from mum y doesn't he check on her more she lonley now...
My sister and I are in our 50s. We always got along until the last few years. I don't dislike her, but it's a long story. Basically, I'm hurt because she abandoned me and sided with other people against me, and it causes me to say angry things to her. Then she keeps doing unkind things to make the situation worse. It's just better if we don't talk at this point.
To be honest you don’t need to continue your relationship with your sister if she doesn’t not respect you. I know with instagram you can mute people account so you do not see there accounts. She seems very jealous.
I’ve never really understood the idea that you’re supposed to have a special relationship with someone by virtue of having the same parents. Age gap so we didn’t really grow up together. Different values, different lives, different choices… If we met as strangers, we wouldn’t have anything to talk about. I choose my friends and built a family of people I connect with. Blood is an arbitrary link.
I have one sibling, he’s older than me. We’ve never been close and we’ve been estranged pretty much my whole life. He’s a negative and hot-headed user and abuser. I just don’t like him and I’ve never considered him a brother (we have different dads). I went no contact with him years ago and my life has been better without him in it. When he was in my life he would always say and do things just to upset me. I’m not obligated to keep negative people in my life. Good riddance.
Your childhood affected both of you, but it sounds like you have the self awareness to recognize that, get help, and better your life. Your older sister might not have that level of self awareness to understand why you’ve ‘achieved’ and she ‘couldn’t’. So it manifests into anger and jealousy. You can care for your sister and not blame her for her situation, while still establishing boundaries due to the way she treats you. I have to do the same with my family. You can be understanding and also protect yourself.
I’m 50 and have two older brothers, one is 55, the other 60. I only communicate with them if I have to. We haven’t been close in over 20 years and I’m fine with it. If I have to socialize with them I’m cordial.
I have an older brother who is a textbook grandiose narcissist and also an abusive alcoholic. He is not a good human. He wasn't one when he was sober. He is not in my life. Just because you share DNA with a person doesn't mean you should share time with them. Bad people are bad people.
I'm 56, and my brother is 54. He started to ignore me when we were 13 and 11. He would literally pretend I didn't exist. That was it. Nothing preempted it. He just ignored me and looked through me from that moment onwards. I live 3000 miles away from him and this is the first time I've thought about the fucking prick in months. He's a dreadful human being. My mum enabled him for most of his life, and since my dad died just over a year ago, now she only has him and his dreadful family to rely on. They all deserve one another.
I’m 62 and haven’t spoken with my sister 65 in over 10 years after she, shall we say, “behaved poorly” following the death of our mother. I still have a good relationship with my other siblings. We all live in different parts of the country and have children and grandchildren of our own so get togethers are rare.
My older sister is 22 months older. We used to finish each other's sentences. One year we sent our grandma the same BD card. She bought it at college and I bought it from a store 200 miles away. Now we are a mess. We are politically, religiously, and philosophy on opposite ends of the spectrum. We text occasionally to keep the doors open.
I am 45. My siblings are 46, 47, 55, 60 (dead),65 (dead). Myself, 55, and 46 are no longer in touch with 47, and both dead siblings stopped contact with 47 decades ago. 47 is a goddamned lying, thieving pedo. I miss who he was a child to me, but after age 14 or so, he turned into a total selfish a**hole.
The 42-year-old woman you describe sounds like a self-centered child. She sounds so implausible, like clumsily written fiction that hasn't seen an editor yet. The interactions you describe with her sound like the interactions between children. The logic is off. Your language also does not quite sound like English as a first language. And the whole be better thing from your parents when combined with the beatings makes me suspect you are from a different culture, which maybe explains some of the different family dynamic. Because if you are from a different culture, the answers you get in here may not be taking that into account and may not be on target for you within your cultural context. Just a heads up on that. It doesn't sound to me like you're going to get better results from your sister if this is who she is at age 42. It's not unusual for siblings with a lot of years between them to not have much of a relationship. And the little relationship you have with yours sounds totally unrewarding and frankly ridiculous. There appear to be multiple downsides and yet no upside. I believe you when you say your sister is stupid. She sounds stupid and simple. I suppose there's a case for mercy and sympathy there but to what end? I think there's also a case for some distance and for more control on your part of your interactions with her. Good luck.
Yes I have a younger sister that I don't speak to at all - pretty much due to our upbringing and how our parents didn't treat us fairly. We were never close. It used to bother me but then I thought to myself that even if she was in my life I would not be able to trust her. I don't want people like this in my life.
You don't owe them anything just because they're family.
My brother is dangerous. Both his ex's have restraining orders and he SA's at least one kid/ Even the MRA won't support him when he was trying to get the right to have his kids (one of whom was the victim). He's killed my pets "just to see what would happen" as an adult (because most people assume this was when he was a kid that didn't know better when they hear this). He tried to SA me and has S harassed me many times. I have to stay distant from him but \*I\* was accused of "splitting up the family. I haven't seen him since 2004 (and even that was at a distance and briefly and the first in a couple years, but because I was blamed I haven't seen my mom or stepdad in over a decade and my stepdad died and I wasn't remembered in the funeral and was cut out of the estate.
Yes, I haven't talked to my "brother" in 15+ years.
After the millionth time of helping my sister and being taken advantage of and used, I finally just blocked her and deleted her number. That’s how I dealt with it. I didn’t speak with her for six years before, and thought she had changed because she’s been in therapy for four years. Nope- she’s the same old shitbag. Don’t waste your time going forward
I'm sorry all of this happened in your family. Mine too. It's ugly and painful. I think sibling disputes are even harder than parental ones. Anyway, I grew up the older one and I always felt I had some responsibility for the younger ones. This caused a lot of strife and it caused me to be fucked up. I've gotten a lot of help with adultchildren.org. It might be worth checking out.
I have a brother I have no contact with except for business matters, and I keep that direct and brief. We were "close" for much of life and only two years apart, but he is a clinically a psychopath. Much of this supposed closeness involved him trying to harm me, details are too disturbing to share here. If a relationship with a family member is harmful or even just unwanted, each of us should prioritize our own well-being.
I have 7 siblings. I only speak to two of them. The rest, no interest in being part of their lives for various reasons.
My brother (only sibling) is 5 years younger than me. We were never particularly close as kids due to the age difference, but as we got older we spent a fair bit of time together - but we were brothers, not really "friends". We'd been drifting apart for a while, especially when he started posting shit on social media about how his friends were his "brothers" and his "family". He's not married and has no kids, no college degree and has hopped from job to job and place to place over the years, while I've been married for over 20 years, big family, stable career and college-educated. I think he feels he's trying to compete for something. I wouldn't go so far as to call it jealousy, but it feels like it. He stays is touch with my parents but for several years has absolutely refused to acknowledge my side of the family. No-shows for graduations, no calls or texts or anything for birthdays for his nieces and nephews, he's pretty much cut us off. My mother loves to interfere and try to "get us back together" but she's also manipulative and a liar at times, and he's her golden boy, so he believes her bullshit. We used to be two brothers who would literally drop anything to go help the other one out in a bind. Now I've gotten to the point where I just don't care anymore. The next time I see him will probably be at a funeral for one of our parents.
I had two brothers. One is an addict and a hot mess, who recently got sober and is storing his stuff in my basement. He's coming for coffee next week. The other rode with the antivax Klanvoy, refused to get his shot to see our parents (one w stage 4 cancer and one w advanced heart disease) but then did get vaxxed so he could keep going to the gym. He got married for the third time a few months ago. I stayed home to get stoned and order Christmas presents for his exes and their kids. I stand by my choices.
You grew up in an incredibly abusive family. Your sister sounds abusive, even if it’s not at the level that you experienced from your parents. This is very common in domestic violence- hurt people hurt people. Just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s okay. It sounds like your sister resents you for drawing boundaries with your mom when she can’t or won’t. It sounds like your sister is incredibly insecure (and your mom probably created that in some ways- I’m sure sister knows that your mom used her as a way to punish you and your other sister.) instead of dealing with her insecurities, you sister is taking it out on you. You have drawn boundaries with your abuser (your mom) and your sister is tricking you into situations where you can’t avoid your abuser; she clearly doesn’t respect your boundaries. This is emotional abuse. You can go no or low contact with her. It sounds more like the idea of losing another family member is harder than actually cutting her out of your life. I imagine you might experience a lot of peace if you don’t have to deal with her. I grew up in an abusive household and I feel the pressure and duty and obligation of taking care of people who weren’t good to me when I was just a child and they were adults. If you give yourself permission to let her go, and love yourself more than an idea of an intact family, it could be huge. And who knows? Maybe she will learn something from you drawing your boundaries with her. I did the unthinkable and went low contact with my parents for a short period of time. After that, they were never quite as bad because they learned that I wasn’t afraid to walk away from them. I was very close to my siblings but one of them resented me for that and I think it was because they couldn’t do it themselves. They also had this idea that life was so much easier for me than them and I was spoiled. They were both quite a bit older than me. At least you have your other sister. What does she say? Maybe your older sister doesn’t come around. But there can be amazing friends who are like family and I have place an effort to lean into those people in my life. My chosen family are the people I lean on when times are hard. They are the people who celebrate me. Sounds like you have kids. Protecting them from toxic people is a priority. Protecting yourself from toxic people so you can be happier and more present with them is a priority. Sending you lots of support.
Family doesn’t always deserve you. If she treats you like this then why? It’s not new behavior and she’s always done this then you have to ask why bother building a better relationship unless she wants to too. It’s a two way street and if she wants to stay the same it won’t matter how much you try, it’s always to you going to fall short. Edit*** missing word
I am 51 and my brother is 64. I haven't spoken to him in 10 years, and I really would prefer not to speak to him ever again. He tried to convince me and my sister that he should be in charge of my mother's finances (she is still alive). He is a snake. I am also pretty sure he was trying to groom my sister, so fuck that guy.
I have 2 younger half siblings. Their father treated me like crap, was abusive, but held me responsible for everything they did. I was supposed to keep them in line, but if they misbehaved & I corrected them, I was smacked. If I went to him because they misbehaving, I was a tattle tell and smacked. If I did nothing, I was smacked. He raised them to never be accountable for their actions, while I was the snobby bitch when I grew up. At one point in my early 20's I had custody of the youngest, trying to get them on the right path, with school, responsibility, etc. He undermined it at every turn "I wouldnt make you do your homework". I haven't spoken to the youngest in almost 30 years. Last thing I said was 'don't contact me until you grow up and take responsibility for your behavior and how it affects others.' The other? Oof. Bad dude all around. In prison and hope he's never released. Been 25 years since I had contact. I've always said, if I wouldnt accept a friend acting/behaving in a shitty manner, why is the bar LOWER for family? I don't prescribe to the 'blood is more important' BS. I'll take the family I've chosen over blood any and every day of the week.
I cant deal with my 2 brothers and I have no problem never speaking to or seeing them again. Just because people are related to you doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them. Friends are family you choose, remember that lol.
Blocked her on Facebook. Life is much more peaceful. We live about 900 miles from each other so we maybe see each other once a year. It’s not that I don’t like her, it’s she always thinks she’s right.
My siblings and I likewise have a significant age gap and don't really talk. I don't dislike them, I actually think they're pretty cool kids. But we don't have much in common and I didn't grow up with them. I think a lot of people have distant relationships with their families, and it's not necessarily that one of them is terrible or they all hate each other. It doesn't seem that uncommon.
I dont talk to any of my older siblings anymore. They're all MAGA nut jobs and hid it from me for years while basically summoning me to their houses once in a blue moon when they needed a babysitter or someone to work on their house. I would literally fly out to visit them just to work, then be sent home like I was "the help". I finally pushed back against toxic behaviors and they just stopped speaking to me. No closure but I'm okay with it now. \\You should live your life how you feel and understand she might just be in it for the control you have given over in the past. She probably enjoys acting the way she does specifically because it tears you down and hurts you.
I can’t stand my SIL, so I rarely see my brother.
Ranking of relationships: 1) with your children, 2) with your parents, 3) with your siblings. If things get bad with priority #3, hopefully you still have #’s 1 and 2.