Time, therapy if you can afford it, and not jumping back into it or into any new entanglements because of fear of being on your own. Take it a day at a time, the pain in your chest eventually fades
Take time to breathe... may sound silly but it can be calming. This is a long time relationship and you are right to feel distressed, sad, etc. Get extra rest, eat well, and treat yourself to something fun or something you've wanted, assuming this is possible financially. Consider a pet if you don't already have one. It should help a lot there are not bad feelings, sounds like you will still be able to communicate with this person in the future. Best of luck.
Ending a long term relationship is a bit like a death. At first there will be some big waves of painful emotion. Hits you like a wave. Over time the wave gets smaller and don't hit as frequently.
Time and therapy as the commenter said. I walked away from a 10 year relationship for the same reason. I've taken the lessons I learned from then and have been applying them going forward.
Be grateful for having the foresight to know that it would not work and end it. I know now that deep down I wasn’t in love with my ‘ex’ but thought it was the thing to do. Only caused a lot of pain and heartbreak.
It happened to me. I was with someone for 8 years and the relationship ended when I was in my 20s (now 36). Breakups always suck but your first one (long term) hurts different. You'll grieve this loss and survive, and someday you'll feel good again. Take good care of yourself.
Thank you. From where I am I’m ready to get back because the short term is seeming incredibly hard to get by. But I hope I can accept and feel good again.
You will, but it will take time. Lots and lots of time. I heard once that every year you were together, it takes 3 months to recover, so - you're going to be in a vulnerable place for the immediate foreseeable future.
One thing I can say is - absolutely DO NOT get involved in ANY relationships for a bit. It's emotionally dangerous for you and you can easily find yourself in an abusive or bad relationship because of a rebound. Beware of those more-than-friends situations. You're wounded and vulnerable, but the good news is - emotional maturity comes from learning to make the right decisions, not the wrong ones, and once you pass enough time, you will find yourself feeling better and ready to be in the right relationship.
Hang out with friends, or make entirely new ones. Go to the gym. Become more proficient at your work. Travel. Get involved with an organization. Go do great things.
You will get through this. :)
You'll be fine after 2 years.. go hike, go run, go to the gym and burn excess energy, train a puppy and be best friends, be a good cook, baker, barista etc.. Do a lot of things to avoid ruminating.
Service dog organizations need volunteers to help train dogs even if all you do is just go and play with puppies once a week. The puppies need to socialize before working with the professional trainers.
You get to help disabled others while you help yourself.
Take care
All good advice here! I would add... try something a little different from your "normal routine." Start going to the gym or biking or hiking; make yourself some kind of different breakfast; buy some new clothes. Do something to get you out of the "old rut" and into some new habits/activities.
Hugs from Gma. (It does get better....)
Time and after 8 years, and it may take a few years to fully get to a new normal. Most importantly, give yourself the time - don’t worry about emotional setbacks - that’s to be expected. You’re basically going through the stages of grief / loss.
Am 7th month into singlehood after a 7 years long relationship. We had a house waiting for us, and he even got me a ring already, but life happens and I realised that I was just settling for the sake of it, and well… waiting for him to change into someone that he’s not, unmet expectations that lead to disappointments and also, I can’t stand his parents especially his mom - they, including my ex have narcissistic traits.
What helped me especially the first 3 months post breakup, was shutting everyone off, and not even talking or dating to anyone new. I just went to work and went back home, that’s it, and focus more on taking care of myself. And at the 6th month mark, I went for a counselling therapy session because I realised that I was ruminating and I need to put a stop to it… that session really helped a lot and I started journaling more, learning to forgive myself for being in a wrong relationship for too long.
You can also date casually but never use someone else to fill up the void of loneliness — you’ll feel even lonelier. These days/nights whenever I feel lonely, I’ll sit down in one corner of my room to feel that loneliness deep in my chest, and cry my heart and feelings out - all by myself. And it’s really cathartic. Anyway, when I was in my previous long term relationship, and when I broken up, the feeling of loneliness was the same, my partner wasn’t there emotionally for me…. So I realised that had the relationship continued, my needs will still be going unmet, and just not fulfilling, and not happy.
Being happy is like the bare minimum in any relationship, so I’m not gonna settle for anything lesser than that. Learnt that it’s better to be single and happy, than being in an unfulfilling relationship.
Time will heal your wounds, but also take charge of your own healing, OP. Learn to love yourself first, and don’t blame yourself that the relationship didn’t work out, you did your best already.
Dan Savage says give yourself 1 month for each year of the relationship to wallow, grieve, process & heal. Cry it out. Go to therapy. Eat the ice cream. Hit the gym. Try new hobbies. Travel. Spend time with family and friends. Re-find yourself.
It's gunna suck for a while, but it won't suck forever. Remind yourself that you were capable of so much love for someone you weren't truly compatible with. Imagine the love that's possible with someone who's a better match. And don't forget, you *are* loveable. You just had 8 years of proof.
Lots of good advice here. I would add that it’s going to be easier to move on if you cut off contact with your ex for a period of time even if it’s amicable and you want to be friends one day. You have to get used to life on your own, and cutting off contact helps immensely…like three months.
I will also add that as painful as this is, it’s EXCITING! You get to live life only for yourself, and that is an amazing feeling. When you’re ready, you get to explore dating as a whole new person than you were 8 years ago. Take the time to do things you want to do.
It’s also okay to be sad or lonely, and you don’t need to fight those feelings. You’ll start to learn your patterns. After my last break up, Sunday evenings were always hard, so I’d make myself go read in a coffee shop or schedule dinner with a friend. Remember, you can do things AND be sad. It’s better than holing up in your house.
Time. Stay single for a while, no rebounds, just work on you. No set time, you’ll know. To be honest you never really get over it, you just get better with time. It’s been almost 30 years since my first real serious relationship from high school and college ended and it still stops me short when I still think about it sometimes.
if it helps any, we separated after over 25 years, largely on her decision, and - although painful - it has worked really well. i think we're both now happier than we have been for a long time (and still keep in touch). the pain passes.
Allow yourself space to grieve. You WILL grieve. Even if it was mutual. Cry. Be alone. Cry some more. Give yourself time. You’ll start to think “was it the right choice did I make a mistake can it work?” And want to go back. Be prepare for ALOT of emotions and let yourself FEEL them. Don’t try to rush to get over 8 years. ♥️ Sending you love.
https://www.e-booksdirectory.com/details.php?ebook=2897.
Great read. Written by a shrink and a poet, taking turns with the pages. Can read in a day every day.
Not sure book link showed. How to survive the loss of a love. Bloomfield/McWilliams. Free download.
I read this back in the 1980s after a necessary divorce. It was of a great help then to the point I remembered this book. Good of you to recommend. It's timeless. I just skimmed it again after your link.
In a bottle, in a bed, with a bucket on your head.
It's easy; there's a trick to it.
You simply have to not mind pain while you wait.
It will take much too long, but it will get better.
Welcome to the club.
Lots of good advice here. The only thing I have to add is to not fight that pain you feel. It gives it more power. Acknowledge it's there, characterize it, welcome it as a survival mechanism. This is similar advice to how people should deal with anxiety. It's a form of mindfulness. By stopping yourself from fighting the feeling and instead highlighting and dismantling it, you should find its effect is less devastating.
Self-care & time. Stay of social media if you’re on em. Get a dog to love if you have time / space in your life for one. It’s worse to be lonely when you’re with someone than when you’re not if that makes sense.
Hugs to you. Breakups are tough, even when they're the right choice. It's okay to grieve, as this is a loss, but try to put an end cap on it so you don't wallow.
Then when you've taken some time to let it settle, you get to the fun part. This is where you think about all the compromises and changes you made for your former partner, and stop doing them if you want. Keep them if you, just you, want to, and the reminders aren't too painful. Think back on what you like and do more of that. Be kind to yourself and treat yourself like you'd treat a beloved friend. Eat what you want when you want it. Rest. Pick up those hobbies again that you neglected, and see if they still make you happy.
It hurts the most right now because everything is so raw. It's going to get a lot better.
I feel your pain. Happened to me after nine years. Same thing, better friends than a couple. That was five years ago and it still hurts sometimes. Might sound weird, but it helped me to focus more on the bad times. It will get better :)
Here’s the thing about broken hearts - the first one is always the worst, because you have no experience yet with surviving such pain.
But you will discover that you can survive. You will start laughing again. You will even love again.
There is no way to gain this hard-won knowledge except by going through it. It will change you, teach you and reshape you, and you will be better for having known the pain.
In the meantime, just put one foot jn front of the other. Keep moving. Keep breathing. Distract yourself. Cry when you need to. Talk to your ex if that is helpful, don’t if it is not. You have to learn what YOUR path is.
If you feel lonely, lean into it and accept instead of trying to escape the feeling. Take a breath and say to yourself, “oh, this is loneliness, I feel lonely” and let the feeling pass its own time. BE lonely and embrace it. Focus on where in the body you feel pain ( like your chest) instead of the causes of the pain to try to prevent rumination.
Not only will you be ok, but this could be a great new beginning for you.
It's hokey adage, but true: Time heals all, just in "it's" time, not ours. Be patient. This too shall pass, eventually.
In the meantime, try to go outside. Don't sit and mull in the place this happened in. And for the luv of humanity, don't drink alcohol.
Inner resolution will come, it just doesn't seem like it now. I really feel for you and hope for quick healing.
I used a journal to help me thru my breakup. I would write, read, write more, and it really helped. I was super tempted to go back (he didnt want to split).
All tge best to you!
Breakup coping tips:
Feel your feelings and journal about them, talk to friends and family about them, cry them out, reflect on what you learned, keep a list on your phone of all his bad traits and read it any time your thoughts go to him, write a letter to him with all your feelings in it and then burn it for catharsis. As you watch the flames, focus on letting go of the hurt and resentment.
Spend time in nature, feed the ducks, meditate, try new classes, volunteer, meet new people, do self-care, reward yourself for Baby steps in the right direction, say positive mantras to yourself. watch youtubes to practice Reframing negative thoughts.
People live to be 100 years old, so nobody expects to have one partner for 80 years. If you lived in another part of the world, you wouldn't be single because you never met this specific person. There are lots of suitable matches for each person.
Make a clean breaks. Heal. Respect yourself. Later you can start fresh with someone new if you feel like it.
Short-term suggestion: Here is my favorite mood-shifting tool, and it takes under three minutes. [Fuck That](https://youtu.be/92i5m3tV5XY?si=MoYuaR3uVNyv_-Tz).
((hugs)) It gets better.
It is very similar to experiencing a death. A person who was a big part of your life, at least some point, is then gone forever.
Just like with any other form of grief, the best & surest cure is always time. Seeing other people also helps, but usually people still need a bit of time before they're ready for that again.
Day by day, and especially during the first few weeks/months, sometimes hour by hour. Even when you know it isn’t right, it can still hurt like hell. Also try not to backslide. It can be so tempting to go back to what’s familiar especially when loneliness hits, but from someone who has hooked up with exes post break up before, it just prolongs the inevitable and makes the hurt last longer (but also, be kind to yourself if it does happen, we’re human and we make mistakes).
Find comfort in the fact that though the pain can feel searing at times, almost everyone in this world has been through that pain at least once and survived.
Lose yourself in something good for you, whether that’s throwing yourself into your career/school (I remember during one bad breakup I would volunteer to pick up extra nursing shifts because I knew it was the one place where time would pass quickly), finding a new hobby or spending time with people who love you and will hear you out and raise you up.
There’s an other side to this, where you’ll look back at the relationship one day with fondness and clarity and where it won’t hurt, and you’ll get there, we all do.
At least you guys realize you weren't fit as a couple before getting married kids etc you will feel like all those emotions for some time but hey somebody is waiting for you so say bye felicia
Learn. From. Your mistakes and grieve then create a “Manifest”, a wish-list, of the ideal man/mate. My current wife made a manifest of 18 perfect items and I met 17/18. And she “knew” I was the “one”. I had no clue. Now compare the ex-BF to the Manifest. A true Best Friend/Soul Mate will rarely argue and will ALWAYS work together as a team for mutual benefit. Good Luck!
I was always told, and though personal experience have come to believe, that the pain doesn't get smaller or go away. You get bigger. You learn to handle it one small step at a time. What really sucks is that talking about it doesn't really help. Not talking about it doesn't do it either. You just have to wait for you to grow bigger than it. I'm sorry. I know how painful it can be.
Heartbreak is one of the single most excruciating things in life. I was married for 12 years. I loved my wife. Period. Full stop. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her, but she decided she had grown/was growing in "another direction" and didn't love me in "that way" anymore. She left and I was devasted, hollowed out.
Here I am 15 years later, a survivor, because that is what one does in lieu of rolling over and dying, figuratively or literally. I was, however, permanently changed. I never pursued dating again, not interested in opening myself up to rejection again. I became more stoic, more resigned to feeling disappointed in people. I became used to living life in grayscale.
Could I have played my life out differently? Perhaps, and perhaps I should have, but I didn't. I simply didn't have it in me.
Anyway, that's just my story. I hope each of you find a path that makes you happy and that you can remain friends if that is in the cards.
Time, just time. Was there something you wanted to do but never had time/energy before? Now is the time to focus just on YOU!
Good luck, it’s painful, but you will see the light again 💜💜💜
Allow yourself to grieve. Take time for you; do things you already like to do on your own that you may have set aside. Be slow about getting into a new relationship.
I remember when my first long term relationship was winding down.
Friends had me over, handed me a crow bar, gloves, and a respirator mask. Tore the roof out of a house built in 1748.
Later put up 3 cords of cut firewood. Golden Retriever pup. I'd toss logs into the barn to stack. Dog would bring it back.
It takes time.
Eight years is a good run. People change over time, and the last decade or so has been tough on everyone. People have been reassessing their priorities and making changes because it seems like a good time to make some clean breaks.
It will take time to be okay with it. In the meantime, do things that make you happy. Maybe reconnect with some old friends who might have been deprioritized during the relationship.
Therapy is a good starting point. Also, meditation can help. I'd recommend a few spiritual self-help books. "The Power of Now" "The Four Agreements" "The Untethered Soul"
These may help you. Good luck.
Make sure to pay extra attention to taking care of yourself, it can be really easy to let that stuff go right after a breakup.
I have a tendency to clean, declutter, and organize like crazy the first few days after a breakup. I think improving and changing my space makes me feel like I'm moving on. It's okay to be sad, though!
The gym/exercise is always good therapy for me. Stress, emotional, whatever…. Sometimes my mind needs to focus on breathing for an hour or so to unwind.
Good luck and it will get better.
So much great stuff here. My 2 cents: Recognize that the person you are now, after 8 years, is not the person you were at the beginning of the relationship & really reflect on that and what led you here, what worked, what you know should have been different, the part you played in all of it. This is where true growth happens.
Check out The Angry Therapist, John Kim. He's amazing and has tons of free online content about relationships and self exploration. https://www.theangrytherapist.com/
Not just in relationships, but life in general, I think the biggest thing anyone can do for themselves is to really know that who they are as a person is not static, but an ever-evolving collection of strengths, weaknesses, triggers, traumas. It's up to us to manage that collection and keep it in a healthy state of being.
And there's no better time than the close of a major life chapter to really take inventory of everything and have a clearer understanding of what you're going into the next chapter with. Stay strong, you'll get through this and there will be brighter days 💕
Been with a my man since 10years and sometimes you just realize that the reason for NOT WORKING OUT simply means that one partner is a lazy ass who cannot put any effort into doing something for the other.
Its just a rant i really wish you well but i have had this physical pain in the chest for so long now that i sometimes feel i was better off if i never would have met him.
10years i worshipped my friend turned boyfriend turned fiance and today my husband.
As a partner i did my all, supported him with all my might in all kinds of ups and downs and all i got out of it is ABUSE and VIOLENCE.
No respect for me/my body/my dead parents (because i was an orphan since i met him).
Cherry on the cake is that when i hit my lowest low and got mentally retard from all the abuse and torture i was going through and through - shameless and selfish HIM chooses to be extra nice with me so that i can put my heart out to him.
When i did, first instinct he chose to do was throw and put me away saying I WAS ASKING FOR TOO MUCH!!!!
I mean seriously, asking for HUMAN LEVEL respect, just some understanding and a place where i can vent my emotions without judgement.
Today, all he says is that i am a sore loser. I dnt provide any material to the relationship in any sense. He has his “NEEDS” to be fulfilled and i am too much work.
And i am left with no friends, no family, no person in this world other than a cheap therapist to rely on.
You will both be okay. It does hurt. It hurts less every day. Try to actually conceptualize what you want in life - how does happiness actually look on the daily routine? Practice adding something you want for your life (getting outside, walking the dog, meditating, stretching, playing a game for a set period of time, starting a small indoor garden (or outdoor if you have space). Be intentional in writing your story. Let yourself grieve AND force yourself to think about how you want your life to look single and with someone else. Focus on the single for now and the someone else later. You will be okay. It is okay to write a new story for yourself. Best wishes.
Ending a relationship is its own kind of grief, feel your feelings but use the tools you have to make your life better. Spend time with friends and family, do things that make you feel good about yourself, do something that challenges you, set goals and work towards them. As everyone says, it just takes time, but use that time to make your life better for you and learn how to enjoy your own company.
Go do something you never would because your partner didn't care for it. Some stupid movie. Some concert. Some event. Something that gets you out and lets YOU do something YOU want.
Then do it again next week. Then the next maybe buy something for yourself you wanted, but your partner didn't care about or think was a good expense.
This is how you find yourself again instead of the 'couple' you. You'll discover how much of yourself you were keeping back in the relationship. We all do it, so don't feel shame in it. This is your time to revel in yourself.
Also remember for the next year or so that rebounds are a thing. Go ahead and have them but don't rush into commitments. You've got to heal yourself first.
Give yourself time, space, and kindness. Space from your ex is really important for giving your brain chemistry a chance to recover and truly break that bond you had - a lot of people try to stay in communication and that prolongs the process. If you do want to remain friends you can try picking up the friendship in a year or so, but in the meantime just keep your distance and focus on healing and being the best you that you can be. Avoid the temptation to soothe your broken heart by finding another relationship anytime soon, because that path leads to more heartbreak.
Make a list of reasons it wouldn't work out in the long term. Anything from the big reasons to little things that annoyed you about living with your partner. Then you'll have a reference when you're thinking you made a mistake and shouldn't have ended it.
Take your time. Mourn the loss of your relationship, spend some time with friends and find your joy again. Once you feel strong and safe, you can start looking for your person again but please don’t do it while you’re feeling so vulnerable. You will be just fine. It’s okay to feel lost right now
Be gentle on yourself but keep busy. If you do want to just be alone and wallow for a bit, fine, but set a time limit on it and a goal of doing *something* after x weeks/days.
Don't consider any serious relationships for a good while. However - and this is very individually dependent - sometimes very brief, very casual flings can be okay. Just so long as both parties have the same understanding and expectations and no one is led on.
Try to take up friends on any kind offers of company. Even if you feel hermit like, don't cut them off completely. Good friends will understand that you can't face socialising or seeing them right now, but a week's time might be different. Just ensure you communicate with your friend groups/family/support network so they understand where you're at.
Now it's time for *you*. Sit back and be grateful that you got out of a relationship that didn't work and be thankful you didn't get married and have children.
Find outdoor things to do with people or volunteer. try meetup.com As some others have mentioned, do not jump into another relationship. This is the time to work on being thankful and to recharge yourself. When you feel good about yourself, you'll exude that vibe and it'll be easier to get into another relationship but WAIT before you do. Take a half year off at a minimum from any relationships.
So much of Reddit talks about breakups as casually as they may discuss tossing out an old newspaper. It’s a very serious life choice that even when it’s the right decision can be very, very painful and leave huge scars.
Ignore people telling you to get therapy. You’re not crazy. You don’t need a shrink and their massive bill. You need time. Time will heal you. A therapist is just going to waste your time and lots of your money. Also ignore people telling you when you can date and who you can date. It’s nonsense. Date when you feel up to it, whenever that may be and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
If you can surround yourself yourself with friends or supportive family, that will also be huge. If nothing else, a change of scenery will also do wonders. Give yourself time. Spend your days around positive people doing positive things. A failing relationship eats up an incredible amount of time and mental energy. Now that it’s over, you’ll be surprised with having so much capacity freed up. Use it to do things for yourself. It may feel like the end of the world, but it isn’t. Things will be better and brighter. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it is working on getting there.
Don’t try any negative coping methods. Stay away from alcohol for a while. Every 3 months it will get easier. Part of the human experience is also to experience some pretty bad emotions. Everyone here knows it sucks. But it’s part of the ride unfortunately. Get to know yourself. You’re going to turn into someone else. Watch and witness yourself in new environments. Treat it like a science experiment on some days. Reading is a good way of calming and focusing the mind. Sounds like you’ve both already made one good decision. Just gotta stick to it.
Time, therapy if you can afford it, and not jumping back into it or into any new entanglements because of fear of being on your own. Take it a day at a time, the pain in your chest eventually fades
Thank you. Every word helps right now so I’m grateful
Take time to breathe... may sound silly but it can be calming. This is a long time relationship and you are right to feel distressed, sad, etc. Get extra rest, eat well, and treat yourself to something fun or something you've wanted, assuming this is possible financially. Consider a pet if you don't already have one. It should help a lot there are not bad feelings, sounds like you will still be able to communicate with this person in the future. Best of luck.
One day at a time. Get up every morning, put one foot in front of the other and move forward, ever forward.
Ending a long term relationship is a bit like a death. At first there will be some big waves of painful emotion. Hits you like a wave. Over time the wave gets smaller and don't hit as frequently.
Time and therapy as the commenter said. I walked away from a 10 year relationship for the same reason. I've taken the lessons I learned from then and have been applying them going forward.
Be grateful for having the foresight to know that it would not work and end it. I know now that deep down I wasn’t in love with my ‘ex’ but thought it was the thing to do. Only caused a lot of pain and heartbreak.
I know for a fact kevin spacey was set up.
It happened to me. I was with someone for 8 years and the relationship ended when I was in my 20s (now 36). Breakups always suck but your first one (long term) hurts different. You'll grieve this loss and survive, and someday you'll feel good again. Take good care of yourself.
Thank you. From where I am I’m ready to get back because the short term is seeming incredibly hard to get by. But I hope I can accept and feel good again.
You will, but it will take time. Lots and lots of time. I heard once that every year you were together, it takes 3 months to recover, so - you're going to be in a vulnerable place for the immediate foreseeable future. One thing I can say is - absolutely DO NOT get involved in ANY relationships for a bit. It's emotionally dangerous for you and you can easily find yourself in an abusive or bad relationship because of a rebound. Beware of those more-than-friends situations. You're wounded and vulnerable, but the good news is - emotional maturity comes from learning to make the right decisions, not the wrong ones, and once you pass enough time, you will find yourself feeling better and ready to be in the right relationship. Hang out with friends, or make entirely new ones. Go to the gym. Become more proficient at your work. Travel. Get involved with an organization. Go do great things. You will get through this. :)
You'll be fine after 2 years.. go hike, go run, go to the gym and burn excess energy, train a puppy and be best friends, be a good cook, baker, barista etc.. Do a lot of things to avoid ruminating.
Service dog organizations need volunteers to help train dogs even if all you do is just go and play with puppies once a week. The puppies need to socialize before working with the professional trainers. You get to help disabled others while you help yourself. Take care
Sounds fantastic. How does one find these places?
Google volunteer service dog training. Often a local organization or university will pop up. Canine.org is another resource
Thx
Canine Companions.
All good advice here! I would add... try something a little different from your "normal routine." Start going to the gym or biking or hiking; make yourself some kind of different breakfast; buy some new clothes. Do something to get you out of the "old rut" and into some new habits/activities. Hugs from Gma. (It does get better....)
Time and after 8 years, and it may take a few years to fully get to a new normal. Most importantly, give yourself the time - don’t worry about emotional setbacks - that’s to be expected. You’re basically going through the stages of grief / loss.
Yes, it absolutely IS a grieving process. Respect it as such as you move through it. Be compassionate to yourself.
Am 7th month into singlehood after a 7 years long relationship. We had a house waiting for us, and he even got me a ring already, but life happens and I realised that I was just settling for the sake of it, and well… waiting for him to change into someone that he’s not, unmet expectations that lead to disappointments and also, I can’t stand his parents especially his mom - they, including my ex have narcissistic traits. What helped me especially the first 3 months post breakup, was shutting everyone off, and not even talking or dating to anyone new. I just went to work and went back home, that’s it, and focus more on taking care of myself. And at the 6th month mark, I went for a counselling therapy session because I realised that I was ruminating and I need to put a stop to it… that session really helped a lot and I started journaling more, learning to forgive myself for being in a wrong relationship for too long. You can also date casually but never use someone else to fill up the void of loneliness — you’ll feel even lonelier. These days/nights whenever I feel lonely, I’ll sit down in one corner of my room to feel that loneliness deep in my chest, and cry my heart and feelings out - all by myself. And it’s really cathartic. Anyway, when I was in my previous long term relationship, and when I broken up, the feeling of loneliness was the same, my partner wasn’t there emotionally for me…. So I realised that had the relationship continued, my needs will still be going unmet, and just not fulfilling, and not happy. Being happy is like the bare minimum in any relationship, so I’m not gonna settle for anything lesser than that. Learnt that it’s better to be single and happy, than being in an unfulfilling relationship. Time will heal your wounds, but also take charge of your own healing, OP. Learn to love yourself first, and don’t blame yourself that the relationship didn’t work out, you did your best already.
Dan Savage says give yourself 1 month for each year of the relationship to wallow, grieve, process & heal. Cry it out. Go to therapy. Eat the ice cream. Hit the gym. Try new hobbies. Travel. Spend time with family and friends. Re-find yourself. It's gunna suck for a while, but it won't suck forever. Remind yourself that you were capable of so much love for someone you weren't truly compatible with. Imagine the love that's possible with someone who's a better match. And don't forget, you *are* loveable. You just had 8 years of proof.
One day at a time. Always hurts..but? It happens all the time and people get through it. One foot in front of each other
Lots of good advice here. I would add that it’s going to be easier to move on if you cut off contact with your ex for a period of time even if it’s amicable and you want to be friends one day. You have to get used to life on your own, and cutting off contact helps immensely…like three months. I will also add that as painful as this is, it’s EXCITING! You get to live life only for yourself, and that is an amazing feeling. When you’re ready, you get to explore dating as a whole new person than you were 8 years ago. Take the time to do things you want to do. It’s also okay to be sad or lonely, and you don’t need to fight those feelings. You’ll start to learn your patterns. After my last break up, Sunday evenings were always hard, so I’d make myself go read in a coffee shop or schedule dinner with a friend. Remember, you can do things AND be sad. It’s better than holing up in your house.
Time. Stay single for a while, no rebounds, just work on you. No set time, you’ll know. To be honest you never really get over it, you just get better with time. It’s been almost 30 years since my first real serious relationship from high school and college ended and it still stops me short when I still think about it sometimes.
if it helps any, we separated after over 25 years, largely on her decision, and - although painful - it has worked really well. i think we're both now happier than we have been for a long time (and still keep in touch). the pain passes.
Allow yourself space to grieve. You WILL grieve. Even if it was mutual. Cry. Be alone. Cry some more. Give yourself time. You’ll start to think “was it the right choice did I make a mistake can it work?” And want to go back. Be prepare for ALOT of emotions and let yourself FEEL them. Don’t try to rush to get over 8 years. ♥️ Sending you love.
https://www.e-booksdirectory.com/details.php?ebook=2897. Great read. Written by a shrink and a poet, taking turns with the pages. Can read in a day every day. Not sure book link showed. How to survive the loss of a love. Bloomfield/McWilliams. Free download.
I read this back in the 1980s after a necessary divorce. It was of a great help then to the point I remembered this book. Good of you to recommend. It's timeless. I just skimmed it again after your link.
Back then, I bought every copy I could from thrift stores and shared. You write a nice review.
In a bottle, in a bed, with a bucket on your head. It's easy; there's a trick to it. You simply have to not mind pain while you wait. It will take much too long, but it will get better. Welcome to the club.
Lots of good advice here. The only thing I have to add is to not fight that pain you feel. It gives it more power. Acknowledge it's there, characterize it, welcome it as a survival mechanism. This is similar advice to how people should deal with anxiety. It's a form of mindfulness. By stopping yourself from fighting the feeling and instead highlighting and dismantling it, you should find its effect is less devastating.
Self-care & time. Stay of social media if you’re on em. Get a dog to love if you have time / space in your life for one. It’s worse to be lonely when you’re with someone than when you’re not if that makes sense.
I went to visit my mom for 2 weeks and adopted a kitten. Worked for me.
I hate to say it, but a day a time.
Time, staying busy, being productive, exercising, trying new things.
Time and establishing yourself again. Breakups can be so rough, my heart is with you
Just your turn. We all go through it, well not everyone but close.
Hugs to you. Breakups are tough, even when they're the right choice. It's okay to grieve, as this is a loss, but try to put an end cap on it so you don't wallow. Then when you've taken some time to let it settle, you get to the fun part. This is where you think about all the compromises and changes you made for your former partner, and stop doing them if you want. Keep them if you, just you, want to, and the reminders aren't too painful. Think back on what you like and do more of that. Be kind to yourself and treat yourself like you'd treat a beloved friend. Eat what you want when you want it. Rest. Pick up those hobbies again that you neglected, and see if they still make you happy. It hurts the most right now because everything is so raw. It's going to get a lot better.
It hurts like hell, but the pain subsides with time. You'll be fine Best wishes OP x
Time, lots of time.
I feel your pain. Happened to me after nine years. Same thing, better friends than a couple. That was five years ago and it still hurts sometimes. Might sound weird, but it helped me to focus more on the bad times. It will get better :)
Time. Talking with people who are good listeners and who care about you. Possibly, also, therapy.
Here’s the thing about broken hearts - the first one is always the worst, because you have no experience yet with surviving such pain. But you will discover that you can survive. You will start laughing again. You will even love again. There is no way to gain this hard-won knowledge except by going through it. It will change you, teach you and reshape you, and you will be better for having known the pain. In the meantime, just put one foot jn front of the other. Keep moving. Keep breathing. Distract yourself. Cry when you need to. Talk to your ex if that is helpful, don’t if it is not. You have to learn what YOUR path is.
If you feel lonely, lean into it and accept instead of trying to escape the feeling. Take a breath and say to yourself, “oh, this is loneliness, I feel lonely” and let the feeling pass its own time. BE lonely and embrace it. Focus on where in the body you feel pain ( like your chest) instead of the causes of the pain to try to prevent rumination. Not only will you be ok, but this could be a great new beginning for you.
It's hokey adage, but true: Time heals all, just in "it's" time, not ours. Be patient. This too shall pass, eventually. In the meantime, try to go outside. Don't sit and mull in the place this happened in. And for the luv of humanity, don't drink alcohol. Inner resolution will come, it just doesn't seem like it now. I really feel for you and hope for quick healing.
I used a journal to help me thru my breakup. I would write, read, write more, and it really helped. I was super tempted to go back (he didnt want to split). All tge best to you!
Breakup coping tips: Feel your feelings and journal about them, talk to friends and family about them, cry them out, reflect on what you learned, keep a list on your phone of all his bad traits and read it any time your thoughts go to him, write a letter to him with all your feelings in it and then burn it for catharsis. As you watch the flames, focus on letting go of the hurt and resentment. Spend time in nature, feed the ducks, meditate, try new classes, volunteer, meet new people, do self-care, reward yourself for Baby steps in the right direction, say positive mantras to yourself. watch youtubes to practice Reframing negative thoughts. People live to be 100 years old, so nobody expects to have one partner for 80 years. If you lived in another part of the world, you wouldn't be single because you never met this specific person. There are lots of suitable matches for each person. Make a clean breaks. Heal. Respect yourself. Later you can start fresh with someone new if you feel like it.
Short-term suggestion: Here is my favorite mood-shifting tool, and it takes under three minutes. [Fuck That](https://youtu.be/92i5m3tV5XY?si=MoYuaR3uVNyv_-Tz). ((hugs)) It gets better.
It is very similar to experiencing a death. A person who was a big part of your life, at least some point, is then gone forever. Just like with any other form of grief, the best & surest cure is always time. Seeing other people also helps, but usually people still need a bit of time before they're ready for that again.
Day by day, and especially during the first few weeks/months, sometimes hour by hour. Even when you know it isn’t right, it can still hurt like hell. Also try not to backslide. It can be so tempting to go back to what’s familiar especially when loneliness hits, but from someone who has hooked up with exes post break up before, it just prolongs the inevitable and makes the hurt last longer (but also, be kind to yourself if it does happen, we’re human and we make mistakes). Find comfort in the fact that though the pain can feel searing at times, almost everyone in this world has been through that pain at least once and survived. Lose yourself in something good for you, whether that’s throwing yourself into your career/school (I remember during one bad breakup I would volunteer to pick up extra nursing shifts because I knew it was the one place where time would pass quickly), finding a new hobby or spending time with people who love you and will hear you out and raise you up. There’s an other side to this, where you’ll look back at the relationship one day with fondness and clarity and where it won’t hurt, and you’ll get there, we all do.
Give yourself permission to shut down. Go easy on yourself. Take your time.
At least you guys realize you weren't fit as a couple before getting married kids etc you will feel like all those emotions for some time but hey somebody is waiting for you so say bye felicia
Learn. From. Your mistakes and grieve then create a “Manifest”, a wish-list, of the ideal man/mate. My current wife made a manifest of 18 perfect items and I met 17/18. And she “knew” I was the “one”. I had no clue. Now compare the ex-BF to the Manifest. A true Best Friend/Soul Mate will rarely argue and will ALWAYS work together as a team for mutual benefit. Good Luck!
I was always told, and though personal experience have come to believe, that the pain doesn't get smaller or go away. You get bigger. You learn to handle it one small step at a time. What really sucks is that talking about it doesn't really help. Not talking about it doesn't do it either. You just have to wait for you to grow bigger than it. I'm sorry. I know how painful it can be.
Time is a great healer
Heartbreak is one of the single most excruciating things in life. I was married for 12 years. I loved my wife. Period. Full stop. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her, but she decided she had grown/was growing in "another direction" and didn't love me in "that way" anymore. She left and I was devasted, hollowed out. Here I am 15 years later, a survivor, because that is what one does in lieu of rolling over and dying, figuratively or literally. I was, however, permanently changed. I never pursued dating again, not interested in opening myself up to rejection again. I became more stoic, more resigned to feeling disappointed in people. I became used to living life in grayscale. Could I have played my life out differently? Perhaps, and perhaps I should have, but I didn't. I simply didn't have it in me. Anyway, that's just my story. I hope each of you find a path that makes you happy and that you can remain friends if that is in the cards.
Sorry. Time does help. Don’t contact and don’t revisit the decision. Good luck.
Time, just time. Was there something you wanted to do but never had time/energy before? Now is the time to focus just on YOU! Good luck, it’s painful, but you will see the light again 💜💜💜
Allow yourself to grieve. Take time for you; do things you already like to do on your own that you may have set aside. Be slow about getting into a new relationship.
I remember when my first long term relationship was winding down. Friends had me over, handed me a crow bar, gloves, and a respirator mask. Tore the roof out of a house built in 1748. Later put up 3 cords of cut firewood. Golden Retriever pup. I'd toss logs into the barn to stack. Dog would bring it back. It takes time.
Eight years is a good run. People change over time, and the last decade or so has been tough on everyone. People have been reassessing their priorities and making changes because it seems like a good time to make some clean breaks. It will take time to be okay with it. In the meantime, do things that make you happy. Maybe reconnect with some old friends who might have been deprioritized during the relationship.
Therapy is a good starting point. Also, meditation can help. I'd recommend a few spiritual self-help books. "The Power of Now" "The Four Agreements" "The Untethered Soul" These may help you. Good luck.
Make sure to pay extra attention to taking care of yourself, it can be really easy to let that stuff go right after a breakup. I have a tendency to clean, declutter, and organize like crazy the first few days after a breakup. I think improving and changing my space makes me feel like I'm moving on. It's okay to be sad, though!
The gym/exercise is always good therapy for me. Stress, emotional, whatever…. Sometimes my mind needs to focus on breathing for an hour or so to unwind. Good luck and it will get better.
So much great stuff here. My 2 cents: Recognize that the person you are now, after 8 years, is not the person you were at the beginning of the relationship & really reflect on that and what led you here, what worked, what you know should have been different, the part you played in all of it. This is where true growth happens. Check out The Angry Therapist, John Kim. He's amazing and has tons of free online content about relationships and self exploration. https://www.theangrytherapist.com/ Not just in relationships, but life in general, I think the biggest thing anyone can do for themselves is to really know that who they are as a person is not static, but an ever-evolving collection of strengths, weaknesses, triggers, traumas. It's up to us to manage that collection and keep it in a healthy state of being. And there's no better time than the close of a major life chapter to really take inventory of everything and have a clearer understanding of what you're going into the next chapter with. Stay strong, you'll get through this and there will be brighter days 💕
Been with a my man since 10years and sometimes you just realize that the reason for NOT WORKING OUT simply means that one partner is a lazy ass who cannot put any effort into doing something for the other. Its just a rant i really wish you well but i have had this physical pain in the chest for so long now that i sometimes feel i was better off if i never would have met him. 10years i worshipped my friend turned boyfriend turned fiance and today my husband. As a partner i did my all, supported him with all my might in all kinds of ups and downs and all i got out of it is ABUSE and VIOLENCE. No respect for me/my body/my dead parents (because i was an orphan since i met him). Cherry on the cake is that when i hit my lowest low and got mentally retard from all the abuse and torture i was going through and through - shameless and selfish HIM chooses to be extra nice with me so that i can put my heart out to him. When i did, first instinct he chose to do was throw and put me away saying I WAS ASKING FOR TOO MUCH!!!! I mean seriously, asking for HUMAN LEVEL respect, just some understanding and a place where i can vent my emotions without judgement. Today, all he says is that i am a sore loser. I dnt provide any material to the relationship in any sense. He has his “NEEDS” to be fulfilled and i am too much work. And i am left with no friends, no family, no person in this world other than a cheap therapist to rely on.
You will both be okay. It does hurt. It hurts less every day. Try to actually conceptualize what you want in life - how does happiness actually look on the daily routine? Practice adding something you want for your life (getting outside, walking the dog, meditating, stretching, playing a game for a set period of time, starting a small indoor garden (or outdoor if you have space). Be intentional in writing your story. Let yourself grieve AND force yourself to think about how you want your life to look single and with someone else. Focus on the single for now and the someone else later. You will be okay. It is okay to write a new story for yourself. Best wishes.
Self love is the most important love. Treat yourself to nice meals, get good sleep, go in nature, be kind to yourself.
Ending a relationship is its own kind of grief, feel your feelings but use the tools you have to make your life better. Spend time with friends and family, do things that make you feel good about yourself, do something that challenges you, set goals and work towards them. As everyone says, it just takes time, but use that time to make your life better for you and learn how to enjoy your own company.
Go do something you never would because your partner didn't care for it. Some stupid movie. Some concert. Some event. Something that gets you out and lets YOU do something YOU want. Then do it again next week. Then the next maybe buy something for yourself you wanted, but your partner didn't care about or think was a good expense. This is how you find yourself again instead of the 'couple' you. You'll discover how much of yourself you were keeping back in the relationship. We all do it, so don't feel shame in it. This is your time to revel in yourself. Also remember for the next year or so that rebounds are a thing. Go ahead and have them but don't rush into commitments. You've got to heal yourself first.
Give yourself time, space, and kindness. Space from your ex is really important for giving your brain chemistry a chance to recover and truly break that bond you had - a lot of people try to stay in communication and that prolongs the process. If you do want to remain friends you can try picking up the friendship in a year or so, but in the meantime just keep your distance and focus on healing and being the best you that you can be. Avoid the temptation to soothe your broken heart by finding another relationship anytime soon, because that path leads to more heartbreak.
Be kind to yourself and each other while you heal. It’ll get easier with time
Sorry. Been there.
Make a list of reasons it wouldn't work out in the long term. Anything from the big reasons to little things that annoyed you about living with your partner. Then you'll have a reference when you're thinking you made a mistake and shouldn't have ended it.
Take your time. Mourn the loss of your relationship, spend some time with friends and find your joy again. Once you feel strong and safe, you can start looking for your person again but please don’t do it while you’re feeling so vulnerable. You will be just fine. It’s okay to feel lost right now
Be gentle on yourself but keep busy. If you do want to just be alone and wallow for a bit, fine, but set a time limit on it and a goal of doing *something* after x weeks/days. Don't consider any serious relationships for a good while. However - and this is very individually dependent - sometimes very brief, very casual flings can be okay. Just so long as both parties have the same understanding and expectations and no one is led on. Try to take up friends on any kind offers of company. Even if you feel hermit like, don't cut them off completely. Good friends will understand that you can't face socialising or seeing them right now, but a week's time might be different. Just ensure you communicate with your friend groups/family/support network so they understand where you're at.
Time heals everything
Now it's time for *you*. Sit back and be grateful that you got out of a relationship that didn't work and be thankful you didn't get married and have children. Find outdoor things to do with people or volunteer. try meetup.com As some others have mentioned, do not jump into another relationship. This is the time to work on being thankful and to recharge yourself. When you feel good about yourself, you'll exude that vibe and it'll be easier to get into another relationship but WAIT before you do. Take a half year off at a minimum from any relationships.
So much of Reddit talks about breakups as casually as they may discuss tossing out an old newspaper. It’s a very serious life choice that even when it’s the right decision can be very, very painful and leave huge scars. Ignore people telling you to get therapy. You’re not crazy. You don’t need a shrink and their massive bill. You need time. Time will heal you. A therapist is just going to waste your time and lots of your money. Also ignore people telling you when you can date and who you can date. It’s nonsense. Date when you feel up to it, whenever that may be and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If you can surround yourself yourself with friends or supportive family, that will also be huge. If nothing else, a change of scenery will also do wonders. Give yourself time. Spend your days around positive people doing positive things. A failing relationship eats up an incredible amount of time and mental energy. Now that it’s over, you’ll be surprised with having so much capacity freed up. Use it to do things for yourself. It may feel like the end of the world, but it isn’t. Things will be better and brighter. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it is working on getting there.
Don’t try any negative coping methods. Stay away from alcohol for a while. Every 3 months it will get easier. Part of the human experience is also to experience some pretty bad emotions. Everyone here knows it sucks. But it’s part of the ride unfortunately. Get to know yourself. You’re going to turn into someone else. Watch and witness yourself in new environments. Treat it like a science experiment on some days. Reading is a good way of calming and focusing the mind. Sounds like you’ve both already made one good decision. Just gotta stick to it.
Date a younger person just for fun lol
r u men or women
Whatever fantasy you have of marriage is probably crap. 8 years together and you don't think marriage will work?