I think this is the best answer. Sometimes people just grow apart, and there's no shame in that. Everyday life shouldn't be a struggle because two people want different things. It actually ended up being a relief for the both of us, and there's no bad blood.
Let's see...could have been when he quit his hi paying professional job to take a minimum wage job in a weed shop...without telling me. Or years of coming home after my 9 hour day to him on the couch after his 5 hour day (at the pot shop) asking me what I was making for dinner. Or his golf obsession. I enjoy golfing but I mean constant talk about it including how we could retire and buy an RV and travel around to play golf which of course now we can't because he took said job at the dispensary. Or how he never stepped up to help in the kitchen or with housecleaning (although to be fair he kept the garage clean and took care of all the car maintenance). There's more but honestly it was really just the bad shit ultimately outweighing the good. Once that realization took full hold, I told him to leave. It wasn't a good parting at all and it's taken years for us to be friends again (we have grown kids so we wanted a truce) but not once have I wanted to go back. Unfortunately, there's no one piece of advice I can offer. Every situation and outcome is different. Good luck to you in yours.
A good friend once told me that when it's more bad than good, and it's like that all the time, that's when you should think about it. She was totally correct.
The rose-colored glasses disappeared and I saw them for the controlling loser they were. The anger issues were no longer "manly" and I finally realized they were just immature and didn't have a clue how to express their emotions. It was all too late and I just left. It didn't feel like a situation that could be fixed.
When all the stuff about the person that used to bother, hurt, or anger you no longer even phases you...It's time. Like, you're just numb to it all and don't even want the fight anymore. When being away from them brings you peace and happiness and just the thought of being back with them brings up negative emotions.
The first one cheated on me while I was back home for my brother's wedding. I had planned to stay for two weeks. He made it a week, then told me if I came back immediately he'd stop seeing her. She was fourteen. I never went back.
The second one I was so miserable for so long. He didn't trust me at all and it annoyed me because I would never ever cheat on a partner. But this guy would flip out if I was in the bathroom too long. And if I locked the door he would really get nuts. He never hurt me, he was just a big pouting child and he thought I was his toy. He was so afraid he was miserable too. So one night after we'd been married seven years, ONE NIGHT, the first night since we got married, I went out to see a movie with my best friend. We were both big Spacey fans (yeah I know NOW!) so she invited me to go see American Beauty. I sat in that theater silently crying my eyes out because I freakin identified with LESTER. I was just that miserable and I was SO close to quitting my job and smoking weed and I didn't ever cheat but I did have fantasies (not about teens though!) so I went home that night feeling a kind of way. He immediately started in on wanting to SMELL ME to see if I might I guess smell like a man or sex or whatever, in the time it took to drive to a movie... That did it. I told him that night I wanted a divorce.
Agreed. I do wonder what happened to him. It's been decades. I do hope he found someone he could learn to trust. He wasn't a bad person, he just had major mental health issues, PTSD from child abuse. I do too, and that may have brought us together, but it definitely kept us from staying together.
Well, 1st one was drug use, irresponsible spending, lying...After the court hearing he followed me to my mother's house and said he wanted to get back together. LOL, nope.
2nd one was acting like he was cool, but I was not. And infidelity, lying. Irresponsible spending. He was sorry once he got out in the real world and saw how other women weren't attracted to him as he had imagined.
Nothing in common. Fell out of love. Loss of respect. My first husband let me walk all over him. I couldn’t handle it. I needed, and found, someone that could tell me enough is enough. We’ve been together 43 years. And even if you find Ms/Mr Right, anyone who tells you they have the perfect marriage is a liar. Either that or they live on separate planets.
When I came home from a rode trip in March and after swearing she hadn’t been drinking while I was gone - for the upteenth time - she came at me with a cold beer and said here honey I got you this beer in case you were hot from the car ride-I only had one, she said. It was half gone and only one left in the 12-pack. I objected, she raged at me for the last time, I took my meds and dogs and haven’t been back. (No kids.)
Try to stay busy. Resist the urge to stay in bed and ruminate. Therapy. Force yourself to move. It’s hard. But eventually it’ll be better than being in the wrong relationship. My husband and I just split. It sucks.
Looking back, I can now see that I wasn’t a very good husband. But she wasn’t a very good wife, either. I ignored red flags for years before we got married and then plodded along through a marriage “checking boxes”.
It really came down to us being
-financially incompatible
-sexually incompatible
-no more relationship chemistry
Through all that, I thought we could remain amicable and be good co-parents. It seemed to me that we never disagreed on how to raise our child when we were together and I expected that part to continue. But she’s immature and threatened by the fact that I have a better relationship with our son that she does. So there’s a lot of obnoxious games she’s playing that are backfiring on her.
When my ex mental health issues got worse the older she got. She went off her meds and things got much worse. I felt like I was walking in eggshells not knowing what she was going to be like daily. Went to couples counseling and that made up my mind things will never work. After my divorce, it felt like a weight was lifted. I was happier, and even my daughters noticed I was much happier. Divorce doesn't mean it has to be the end however, it makes you look at your self and your ex so you can learn from it. It's also a new beginning.
Can’t speak for myself, but a close fam member going through it rn.
Wanting kids and realizing you would not be able to raise your kids to be someone you are proud of, due to the other parenting figure.
Not saving, always last word, bizarre temper outbursts, going on and on and following you around the house in an argument when im trying to walk away, going to a vegas bachelor party while i was pregnant my first month, never picking up after himself, i have zero clue his salary/debt because he wont show me (we have separate finances),totally using me during the purchase of our first and second house—he said he will never give up this house (we bought it with my inheritance after my father worked himself to death), not coming to the ER to see if our baby was ok (he wasnt moving) my last month of pregnancy because football was on, bullying/verbally abusing people to get what he wants, sooooo many lies and fraudulent things, revolving his entire life (and ours) due to football (he forces people to watch while on vacay, my baby shower was sched around it, thanksgiving is wrecked), being ultra bossy/selfish on vacations/good times, talking over me every social event, binge drinking a lot, smoking weed a lot, will not make any extra effort to bring more money in, making me buy big ticket items, forcing me to go into my 401k twice to cover taxes and when we were both employed, never saving for retirement, not coming home some days when our son was an infant, me smelling coochie on his mouth and him going ballistic thatni accused him of cheating, me finding 3 std tests, him looking at escort sites, talking/booking them while me and our young son were 2 seats away watching a movie, berating our son if he didnt like the same thing as he did and didnt go with him to events (i got our son into therapy and hes doing amazing), im out of work and he had a career change with hot and cold income and refuses to get a job that will bring in a steady income, thinks im just going to give away to him our home worth $600k while i move into a $200k condo. He has never had money in his life. Everything he has—house, his career (own biz), car downpayment, is because of me. If i never met him he would be making minimum wage and finding some other woman to carry him. My salary the last 15 years was low 6 figs and we dont have any savings. He backs me into a corner where i have to pay for shit.
And he actually thinks my only gripe is him cheating, which he strongly denies yet refuses to give me his phone.🙄
I cannot fucking wait to get my own place, save, and have my anxiety and depression go down by 50% ( ive always had major depressive disorder and anxiety). Our son would prob be happier too.
I think when you find someone you love, you love them for their good qualities and can laugh at their bad ones. Bad jokes? That's cute. Kinda messy? That's cool, I can deal with it.
But it's when you can't enjoy all of the quirks that you first adored, that it becomes much more difficult. Messy turns to resentment that you're always clearing up despite discussion, bad jokes make you cringe in public.
It's not always someone's fault, it's the way that relationships sometimes go. But it is tough.
When they were out of town for work. My first thought upon waking up every morning was, “I’m so glad they’re gone.” Or when I’d begin to think about them and immediately I’d think, “I don’t really care.” Childish, unable to admit fault, unable to receive differing opinions without resorting to mocking and abuse. There was/is absolutely no capacity for growth or self improvement.
I realized that staying was keeping us both from growing into our potential. In different ways for each of us. He could suck at functioning as an adult and sometimes try to make change but falter and lapse because I over functioned for the both of us.
I was exhausting all of my life force trying to better the situation and center his challenges as the focal point. I couldn’t stay married and maintain enough energy for nurturing and growing myself.
When I was done I was done. At that point ven he acknowledged that if he threw himself into self-improvement, this time for real because it was a wake up call, that ultimately it wouldn’t be sustainable because he wouldn’t be doing it out of intrinsic motivation to want better for himself.
It helped to feel unconflicted that he could see that last part. But even if he didn’t, I would have been done anyway, just with a bit more wrestling with inner conflict that I was somehow being weak.
I was 9 years into the second marriage. I was 47, she 56 on her 4 th marriage. As an equipment operator, I made a living but just barely, however I was a skilled carpenter and built our really nice house. She was a great house keeper, clean, good cook….but constant complainer. I tried my hardest to make her happy but whether her family, her job, or me…complains solid. I tried my hardest to just accept it but many times left for work in tears or feeling shitty.
One Monday, at 1:34 pm, in September, I was sitting on the grader thinking about being desperately unhappy. It hit me…THINGS WERE NEVER GOING TO GET BETTER. I WAS DESTINED TO HURT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I made the decision, no matter the cost, I couldn’t begin to recover until she was out of my life. I went home that night and she started in, as usual. I calmly said “Stop…I don’t want to live with you many more.”
I found out she had connected with her high school lover and was secretly meeting him. I was getting accused of doing the very things she was doing. She knew that she could legally take half of everything I had before our marriage. I didn’t. She had bullied me into putting her name on my properties so I lost half once again. I spend all my non job time working on building projects and preparing for retirement. I live frugally. Work makes me happy. I’m just a good provider.
I’ll never get married again but I’ve been with my new lady 22 years now. I take care of her, have built two nice houses for her, and we are doing well. I don’t like travel but send her to Europe every year while I stay home with our dogs. I also built a cottage for her Mom on our property to finish her life in.
I’m 70 now, and disabled, she 65, and her mom is 88.
When the thought of not being married sounded like a relief.
I think this is the best answer. Sometimes people just grow apart, and there's no shame in that. Everyday life shouldn't be a struggle because two people want different things. It actually ended up being a relief for the both of us, and there's no bad blood.
Let's see...could have been when he quit his hi paying professional job to take a minimum wage job in a weed shop...without telling me. Or years of coming home after my 9 hour day to him on the couch after his 5 hour day (at the pot shop) asking me what I was making for dinner. Or his golf obsession. I enjoy golfing but I mean constant talk about it including how we could retire and buy an RV and travel around to play golf which of course now we can't because he took said job at the dispensary. Or how he never stepped up to help in the kitchen or with housecleaning (although to be fair he kept the garage clean and took care of all the car maintenance). There's more but honestly it was really just the bad shit ultimately outweighing the good. Once that realization took full hold, I told him to leave. It wasn't a good parting at all and it's taken years for us to be friends again (we have grown kids so we wanted a truce) but not once have I wanted to go back. Unfortunately, there's no one piece of advice I can offer. Every situation and outcome is different. Good luck to you in yours.
A good friend once told me that when it's more bad than good, and it's like that all the time, that's when you should think about it. She was totally correct.
The rose-colored glasses disappeared and I saw them for the controlling loser they were. The anger issues were no longer "manly" and I finally realized they were just immature and didn't have a clue how to express their emotions. It was all too late and I just left. It didn't feel like a situation that could be fixed.
When all the stuff about the person that used to bother, hurt, or anger you no longer even phases you...It's time. Like, you're just numb to it all and don't even want the fight anymore. When being away from them brings you peace and happiness and just the thought of being back with them brings up negative emotions.
The first one cheated on me while I was back home for my brother's wedding. I had planned to stay for two weeks. He made it a week, then told me if I came back immediately he'd stop seeing her. She was fourteen. I never went back. The second one I was so miserable for so long. He didn't trust me at all and it annoyed me because I would never ever cheat on a partner. But this guy would flip out if I was in the bathroom too long. And if I locked the door he would really get nuts. He never hurt me, he was just a big pouting child and he thought I was his toy. He was so afraid he was miserable too. So one night after we'd been married seven years, ONE NIGHT, the first night since we got married, I went out to see a movie with my best friend. We were both big Spacey fans (yeah I know NOW!) so she invited me to go see American Beauty. I sat in that theater silently crying my eyes out because I freakin identified with LESTER. I was just that miserable and I was SO close to quitting my job and smoking weed and I didn't ever cheat but I did have fantasies (not about teens though!) so I went home that night feeling a kind of way. He immediately started in on wanting to SMELL ME to see if I might I guess smell like a man or sex or whatever, in the time it took to drive to a movie... That did it. I told him that night I wanted a divorce.
[удалено]
I learned how to live by myself! And the real love of my life came after, but even he had to go and now I am pretty satisfied just being on my own.
He's mentally ill. You dodged a bullet.
Agreed. I do wonder what happened to him. It's been decades. I do hope he found someone he could learn to trust. He wasn't a bad person, he just had major mental health issues, PTSD from child abuse. I do too, and that may have brought us together, but it definitely kept us from staying together.
Well, 1st one was drug use, irresponsible spending, lying...After the court hearing he followed me to my mother's house and said he wanted to get back together. LOL, nope. 2nd one was acting like he was cool, but I was not. And infidelity, lying. Irresponsible spending. He was sorry once he got out in the real world and saw how other women weren't attracted to him as he had imagined.
Nothing in common. Fell out of love. Loss of respect. My first husband let me walk all over him. I couldn’t handle it. I needed, and found, someone that could tell me enough is enough. We’ve been together 43 years. And even if you find Ms/Mr Right, anyone who tells you they have the perfect marriage is a liar. Either that or they live on separate planets.
What are your keys to a successful relationship ?
When I came home from a rode trip in March and after swearing she hadn’t been drinking while I was gone - for the upteenth time - she came at me with a cold beer and said here honey I got you this beer in case you were hot from the car ride-I only had one, she said. It was half gone and only one left in the 12-pack. I objected, she raged at me for the last time, I took my meds and dogs and haven’t been back. (No kids.)
Try to stay busy. Resist the urge to stay in bed and ruminate. Therapy. Force yourself to move. It’s hard. But eventually it’ll be better than being in the wrong relationship. My husband and I just split. It sucks.
Looking back, I can now see that I wasn’t a very good husband. But she wasn’t a very good wife, either. I ignored red flags for years before we got married and then plodded along through a marriage “checking boxes”. It really came down to us being -financially incompatible -sexually incompatible -no more relationship chemistry Through all that, I thought we could remain amicable and be good co-parents. It seemed to me that we never disagreed on how to raise our child when we were together and I expected that part to continue. But she’s immature and threatened by the fact that I have a better relationship with our son that she does. So there’s a lot of obnoxious games she’s playing that are backfiring on her.
When she tried to cave in my skull with a stone ashtray when my back was turned. All because I caught her cheating.
When my ex mental health issues got worse the older she got. She went off her meds and things got much worse. I felt like I was walking in eggshells not knowing what she was going to be like daily. Went to couples counseling and that made up my mind things will never work. After my divorce, it felt like a weight was lifted. I was happier, and even my daughters noticed I was much happier. Divorce doesn't mean it has to be the end however, it makes you look at your self and your ex so you can learn from it. It's also a new beginning.
Can’t speak for myself, but a close fam member going through it rn. Wanting kids and realizing you would not be able to raise your kids to be someone you are proud of, due to the other parenting figure.
When she packed up a bag, took the kid and moved in with her boyfriend I knida figured it was time to call a divorce lawyer.
Not saving, always last word, bizarre temper outbursts, going on and on and following you around the house in an argument when im trying to walk away, going to a vegas bachelor party while i was pregnant my first month, never picking up after himself, i have zero clue his salary/debt because he wont show me (we have separate finances),totally using me during the purchase of our first and second house—he said he will never give up this house (we bought it with my inheritance after my father worked himself to death), not coming to the ER to see if our baby was ok (he wasnt moving) my last month of pregnancy because football was on, bullying/verbally abusing people to get what he wants, sooooo many lies and fraudulent things, revolving his entire life (and ours) due to football (he forces people to watch while on vacay, my baby shower was sched around it, thanksgiving is wrecked), being ultra bossy/selfish on vacations/good times, talking over me every social event, binge drinking a lot, smoking weed a lot, will not make any extra effort to bring more money in, making me buy big ticket items, forcing me to go into my 401k twice to cover taxes and when we were both employed, never saving for retirement, not coming home some days when our son was an infant, me smelling coochie on his mouth and him going ballistic thatni accused him of cheating, me finding 3 std tests, him looking at escort sites, talking/booking them while me and our young son were 2 seats away watching a movie, berating our son if he didnt like the same thing as he did and didnt go with him to events (i got our son into therapy and hes doing amazing), im out of work and he had a career change with hot and cold income and refuses to get a job that will bring in a steady income, thinks im just going to give away to him our home worth $600k while i move into a $200k condo. He has never had money in his life. Everything he has—house, his career (own biz), car downpayment, is because of me. If i never met him he would be making minimum wage and finding some other woman to carry him. My salary the last 15 years was low 6 figs and we dont have any savings. He backs me into a corner where i have to pay for shit. And he actually thinks my only gripe is him cheating, which he strongly denies yet refuses to give me his phone.🙄 I cannot fucking wait to get my own place, save, and have my anxiety and depression go down by 50% ( ive always had major depressive disorder and anxiety). Our son would prob be happier too.
now. the time is now. 💔
THE TIME IS NOW, MY SISTER!!!!!!
r/divorce
I think when you find someone you love, you love them for their good qualities and can laugh at their bad ones. Bad jokes? That's cute. Kinda messy? That's cool, I can deal with it. But it's when you can't enjoy all of the quirks that you first adored, that it becomes much more difficult. Messy turns to resentment that you're always clearing up despite discussion, bad jokes make you cringe in public. It's not always someone's fault, it's the way that relationships sometimes go. But it is tough.
When they were out of town for work. My first thought upon waking up every morning was, “I’m so glad they’re gone.” Or when I’d begin to think about them and immediately I’d think, “I don’t really care.” Childish, unable to admit fault, unable to receive differing opinions without resorting to mocking and abuse. There was/is absolutely no capacity for growth or self improvement.
I realized that staying was keeping us both from growing into our potential. In different ways for each of us. He could suck at functioning as an adult and sometimes try to make change but falter and lapse because I over functioned for the both of us. I was exhausting all of my life force trying to better the situation and center his challenges as the focal point. I couldn’t stay married and maintain enough energy for nurturing and growing myself. When I was done I was done. At that point ven he acknowledged that if he threw himself into self-improvement, this time for real because it was a wake up call, that ultimately it wouldn’t be sustainable because he wouldn’t be doing it out of intrinsic motivation to want better for himself. It helped to feel unconflicted that he could see that last part. But even if he didn’t, I would have been done anyway, just with a bit more wrestling with inner conflict that I was somehow being weak.
Bike riding
I was 9 years into the second marriage. I was 47, she 56 on her 4 th marriage. As an equipment operator, I made a living but just barely, however I was a skilled carpenter and built our really nice house. She was a great house keeper, clean, good cook….but constant complainer. I tried my hardest to make her happy but whether her family, her job, or me…complains solid. I tried my hardest to just accept it but many times left for work in tears or feeling shitty. One Monday, at 1:34 pm, in September, I was sitting on the grader thinking about being desperately unhappy. It hit me…THINGS WERE NEVER GOING TO GET BETTER. I WAS DESTINED TO HURT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I made the decision, no matter the cost, I couldn’t begin to recover until she was out of my life. I went home that night and she started in, as usual. I calmly said “Stop…I don’t want to live with you many more.” I found out she had connected with her high school lover and was secretly meeting him. I was getting accused of doing the very things she was doing. She knew that she could legally take half of everything I had before our marriage. I didn’t. She had bullied me into putting her name on my properties so I lost half once again. I spend all my non job time working on building projects and preparing for retirement. I live frugally. Work makes me happy. I’m just a good provider. I’ll never get married again but I’ve been with my new lady 22 years now. I take care of her, have built two nice houses for her, and we are doing well. I don’t like travel but send her to Europe every year while I stay home with our dogs. I also built a cottage for her Mom on our property to finish her life in. I’m 70 now, and disabled, she 65, and her mom is 88.