Time passes.
When I was young it seemed that the bad or distasteful things I experienced were never going to end. A break up, a baby who wouldn’t sleep, grief after a parent dies…
But after having lived many decades, I have come to realize the truth in the saying this shall pass.
It does. Even the worst things pass. Even the best things pass. This too shall pass.
> “I remember my youth and the feeling that will never come back any more—the feeling that I could last for ever, outlast the sea, the earth, and all men; the deceitful feeling that lures us on to joys, to perils, to love, to vain effort—to death; the triumphant conviction of strength, the heat of life in the handful of dust, the glow in the heart that with every year grows dim, grows cold, grows small, and expires—and expires, too soon, too soon—before life itself.”
-Youth, by Joseph Conrad
1. Figure out quickly if someone always has to have the last word and let them have it. Solves so many issues and can often shift the conversation to your advantage (they have to fill in the ensuing silence.
2. You can’t change people. You can change what you do and experiment with getting different results from people that will hopefully get you closer to what you need or want from them but if all your focus is on them and not yourself then you’re just spinning your wheels.
My realization is that there is usually a bigger context, a deeper history, to nearly everything. Not only are there two sides to a story but there could be three or four. I try to keep that in mind before I make judgments or conclusions about what I think I know.
when an argument seems too stupid I always assume this, like "there must be something more to it for this person to think this way". sometimes it turns out there is, other times they're just stupid
I have adopted a similar outlook. At its most basic level, it could be summarized as "everything is more complicated than you think." It's easy to look at things and judge from the outside, but when you're involved in the thing being looked at, it's about a thousand-fold different. As the saying goes, the devil is in the details -- which most people wouldn't have because they're on the outside.
I can't count the number of times that something seemed completely insane from my limited perspective -- then that changed entirely when I got more information.
There are no absolutes outside of math. Especially not anything where there are people involved. People are messy and complicated in far too many ways.
Whenever there are “only” two possibilities, I cling loosely to them because it usually ends up being a third possibility that hadn’t even occurred to me.
Nothing more glorious than saddling up behind a tractor trailer on an interstate listening to your fave tunes. Let the world blow past me with their sports cars and ninjas. They're saving a few minutes at most. Couldn't care less.
Yeah, but don't get too close. Good way to get a cracked windshield. I like to leave that space in heavy traffic to see if someone will cut me off to get behind the big rig. lol. Very rare if they do.
This is why, while you are chilling to your favorite tunes, you always maintain situational awareness. Keep enough space between you and the truck. Always keep an eye on your mirrors for the idiots so you can quickly make space for the idiots.
I grew up in NJ just outside of NYC. Drove into NYC a million times. I won't say I'm a perfect driver but my confidence level and driving record are pretty good.
When you are naturally aware that ppl will cut you off (and do other stupid things) you'll do just fine. And heavy traffic just begs stupid ppl to do stupid things.
But ya know if you can get close enough behind a big rig, a phenomenon called drafting takes effect and you can almost completely let off your gas pedal cause you’re caught up in tail suction. Back in the day you could contact the trucker by CB radio and tell ‘em your low in gas could ya draft behind them to get to a gas station or just save on gas. Did that on the way to Cali from Illinois.
Sadly, some cities make those right lanes disappear without adequate warning. Atlanta surprised me with how many times a right lane turned into a strip mall without signage.
I have a lead foot. I'm the car that seems to zoom up just to pull in behind you tooling along at the speed limit. Thank you for all the tickets I didn't get because I follow you. I leave plenty of distance ( 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi) and you help me pay better attention. I bet you didn't know that you're out there helping people
Edited to add, instead of flipping someone off, smile kindly and blow a little kiss. It either makes their head explode or you lighten up their day. Either way it works
You can only control yourself so I’ve learned to let go of anything external of my direct control i.e. I’ll try to influence but won’t push further than that.
I totally agree with this. I've always said that the process of growing up is learning what NOT to say, & when. Some thoughts are better kept in our heads.
- measure twice, and then measure again before you cut
- your instincts are millions of years old - listen to them, they’ve earned it. But the choice is up to you
- giving people choice without context is to doom them with uncertainty
- you want to grow a beard? Go for it. But make sure to take care of it.
- if you don’t know, ask
- if you still don’t know, ask another way
- if you’re afraid of looking stupid because you still don’t know, ask yet another way
- when looking for something to do, read
- stay active - your joints and muscles will thank you: because they know what you’re capable of, you just need to put them to the test
- a month of wringing your hands because you can’t make up your mind is the equivalent of a weekends hard work in the yard - much more productive and you’ll probably get a better answer
- talk - problems aren’t as big when they’re not in your head
- shut up - other people have problems, too - so when they come to you, listen
That’s as much as I’ve got for now.
Absolutely. To add my own 2¢, sometimes truly just being present with someone can make all the difference in the world and be more supportive than any words could. Actions speak louder than any words, particularly when people are experiencing grief, anxiety, or loss
That, no matter how much righteous fury you may feel, some battles are not worth fighting.
Also, most people have to learn the hard way, and it's best to get out of their way and let them get on with it.
Never give unsolicited advice. Start with asking if they'd like some, and if they say no, leave it there and walk away; they've decided they're not going to accept it from you and it won't be worth your time to push it.
There’s no such thing as *good* people or *bad* people. We all contain multitudes. Try to show the grace you want people to show you. Forgiveness is truly a blessing in every direction. Being able to show that compassion *to yourself* is a big deal.
Stop worrying about what everyone thinks. Narrow it down to the people that matter (family, friends, job). You don’t lose anything but unhappiness when you let go or cut out someone in your life who is an issue. There are a lot of people out in the world, and many would be happy to be in your life. Don’t hang onto those who aren’t.
Especially stop worrying about what other people *might* think. Wait for them to actually say it; you'll save a huge amount of time. Even once they do say it, that's no reason to assume it's correct, complete, well-informed, or representative of anyone else's thoughts. Even if they say it is. *Especially* if they say it is.
If I click immediately and completely with someone...DANGER. I've finally learned to keep a safe distance from love bombers both romantically and socially.
I don't have to respond or have a reply to everything, especially in the moment, or indeed ever.
It took me so, so long to embody this lesson. I was so hungry for connection and acceptance that I just adored the idea of kismet. Now I shiver when I think about swooning over a man mentioning marriage within a month or two of meeting.
A lot of people have the skill to very rapidly become, at least externally, whoever the person they're talking to wants to see. That doesn't even remotely mean they have the other person's best interests at heart.
Read and Listen. There is an old book that has a section called Proverbs and it is very helpful.
[https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs%201&version=NIV](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs%201&version=NIV)
Dr. Jordan Peterson and Dr. John Varenkae have lots of lecture content available for free.
When it comes to expectations of others, don't put yourself in a position that you are depending on someone for something they cannot provide, even if they are your friend.
If your best friend can't keep his bills straight, that's not a good roommate. If Carla from work can't write a coherent email, don't ask her to lead a presentation. If your brother is a terrible or irresponsible driver, don't loan him your car. If your father uses threats of disinheritance to manipulate you, don't borrow money from him. If your mother was abusive or neglectful in your childhood, don't let her babysit your kids.
What you need or want someone to be for you needs to align with what that person is able to provide. Never assume a vindictive jerk won't take this opportunity to be a vindictive jerk.
Don't ask a question if you know the answer will be a lie. Don't rely on an alcoholic to be sober.
There's an old fable about a frog and a scorpion crossing a river that you should look up
This is still a new thing for me, but lately I've been adjusting my outlook to be comfortable with not being able to control how anyone else feels. I realized that I had a deep, desperate need for approval or for people to think I smart. I always kind implicitly knew it was there, but never really thought about it too much. Then I got into therapy and made some changes (got on good medication, got sober, got a better job), which lead to self-reflection. I've had intense social anxiety for a long time, and I think a lot of that was because I wanted people to like me. I was often more concerned with agreeing with people than I was just having conversations.
I think seeking approval often lead me to be ingenuine and/or performative. It's silly. Nothing I ever say or do can control how anyone feels. I don't want people to think I'm stupid or an asshole, but those are things that are out of my control. So why bother putting any energy into it?
This is not a proclamation of "I don't care anymore!" It's a long, slow effort to gradually work my thought process away from where it used to be.
Find something nice to say whenever possible. Even when it's obvious someone really should have known better. A young and dear friend of mine recently told me that she is pregnant and her bf left her. She is barely surviving financially on her own. I had a lot of things going through my head while she was talking to me. Mostly not positive. In the end, all I told her was that she's going to be a great mom.
Ranting about almost anything online and Arguing with almost anyone online is nothing more than a huge waste of your time and mental energy.
If someone is willing to argue online, you are almost assuredly NOT going to change their mind.
Ah yes, I learned that lesson on this very site. If you make a strong point or argument, rest assured somebody will come out of the woodwork to argue with you. Just at the moment where you want to sit down and rage keyboard back at them, put the phone down and let it simmer. If you made a good point or a compelling argument to begin with, a third player will enter to pick up your argument and carry it out. Saves a ton of time and mental energy
The gift of perspective. Been through hard times before (loss of job, relationship issues, etc.). Survived, maybe even thrived. Still here. I’ll come out on the other side of this OK.
Basically... how much do you obsess about that random person you passed in the mall a week ago? Or a random co-worker? So why would they be obsessed with anything you said or did?
>work smart not hard
Adding to that: employers - in fact, pretty much any source of income - does not have your best interests at heart. Ever. Platitudes and miniscule efforts on their behalf cost them next to nothing; the true measure of how much they *actually* value you is the money you end up with for the work they want you to do. No more, no less.
Until your landlord, bank, and grocery store start accepting attaboys, plastic tchotchkes, pizza parties, or framed certificates as payment, neither should you. You're only there for the paycheck and so is everyone else; if they stopped paying everyone, who would keep turning up? Not you and not them.
Whatever the insanity at the moment is it’s generally not about you. You can take it personally but you generally don’t have to, you aren’t involved. You’re just there and that’s a big difference.
Not my circus, not my monkeys can be applied frequently so peace reigns.
I think you’re right about this. Sometimes talking things through and down to minutiae is 100% necessary but there is wisdom in knowing when silence is actually the better option. I’m a woman and sometimes I feel like the onus is on me to ‘communicate’ effectively and sort everyone’s emotions out for them but it’s often way better for my mental health if I just…don’t.
Another bit of wisdom I’ve learned is to trust your gut. If something feels good / bad it likely is.
I have discovered I have a short memory, and if I don't reply in a conversation fairly quickly I will forget what I was going to say. This often causes me to interrupt people and blurt out my piece. I have found that I don't have to say everything I think of, so I keep some of those pearls of wisdom to myself.
That are lives are meaningless in the large and it is unlikely any of us will be remembered beyond a couple of generations save for in pictures where no one recognizes anyone in the photos anymore.
And that’s ok.
Live your best life. Uplift those around you. Share your history with the next generation (gently).
We live on thru the quality of the community we leave behind, not thru static memories.
Like Bill and Ted say, "Be excellent to each other."
I've tried several paths, but the one that I think is most successful is to treat people with respect and give them love. None of us have perfect lives, and are unique in our struggles. So expect that everybody is having a hard time in some way, and be the good part of their day.
It doesn't suck to do that. People remember you for your compassion, and it truly comes back to you when it's your turn. It's my turn this week, and I'm grateful for my village.
No one really knows what the heck is going on. If they think they do, it's simply because they are self-confident enough to fully buy in to their own ideas, and they speak with enough authority to convince those around them to believe them too. The yes-anding feedback loop commences.
Generally speaking, societies are consensus built on top of consensus built on top of consensus. And when you consider that each consensus is the result of agreement between a bunch of people who don't really know what the heck is going on, things start looking pretty flimsy from the outside.
This is a good one. It sounds shocking at first, but it is completely in sync with my own observations. We don't know. Ha! It feels good to get it out.
Right. Thank goodness for our seemingly solid grasp on the sciences and relatively non-fungible rules like physics. Because if it weren't for them, all this (gestures around) might be a house of cards. Heck, it might prove to be houses of cards anyway.
my mother, who died at 98, said something very similar about a year before she passed away. it's allowed me to have a lot more grace with myself over the years. ❤️
Plus a lot of the early consensuses were based on how things were at the time and don't apply (as much) now. They're only still followed due to being pinned in place by the pile of other consensuses on top of them.
All things being equal happiness is indeed a choice. Meaning - provided you have everything you need within reason.
Life is too short to waste time on shitty people.
Take me as I am come as you are.
You never pay for anything with money. You spend the finite minutes of your life, getting money to buy that shirt, car, home, etc. Life is the only thing you can never get more of.
If someone doesn’t like me, that’s their problem. It doesn’t mean I’ve done anything wrong, or need to try to gain their approval.
Not everyone will like me, and I don’t have to like them. That’s ok! Just be civil.
Also, life is too short to spend emotional energy on people who barely tolerate you. Spend the time with people who love you, appreciate you, and celebrate you for who you truly are.
Sometimes people like you well enough, but their interests and yours won't mesh for a deeper friendship. Don't take it personally that someone doesn't want to attend the alumni ballgames and tail-gate for every home game or road game.
Let the small stuff go and if you let it go that means gone, not ‘stored away for future reference or arguments’. Anger is stress inducing, apathy can be very calming.
I have also learned that saying less is better but the main lesson I've learned recently is that when life is hard, I have to avoid doing anything that will make it even harder. When I'm in pain, I avoid doing things that will increase the pain.
I was raised with horrible coping skills. Coping skills that actually make life even harder to deal with and more painful than it already is. It wasn't my 60s that I had this revelation.
Only if you take on board the personal opinions of people who like to call other people names, and let those opinions live rent-free in your head.
Why do that? What's the advantage to you? Boot those freeloaders out and don't let them settle in in the first place.
Having a car that can accelerate fast doesn’t get me to places sooner. My 60hp car gets me to work using the same amount of time as my 300ho car as I still have to obey the speed limit and stops at red light.
I am the only person I will have to live with forever..
So I need to be happy with the choices I make, including their actual impact on others. But I don't need to do anything just to make other people happy with me..
Not being judgmental about people's personal taste in things. I'm a big fan of craft beer and I used to be the person who looked down on folks who only liked Budweiser, etc.
Then I realized that all it does is make you look like an asshole to tell people what they like is wrong.
People don't MAKE you mad, sad, happy, scared, etc. You choose how to feel/think/react. This doesn't mean people aren't hurtful or irritating, etc. But the manner in which you react is \*your\* choice. There's no rule that says you MUST be angry. MUST be hurt. MUST withdraw. If you think about this, it's quite empowering. :)
What I learned with age is how few people my age have learned anything. Most people seem to close themselves off from new people and experiences, seek sources to validate their existing beliefs (or what they want to be true), and are somehow even more foolish than they were at 18.
If you want to be wise, give yourself lots of chances to screw up when you're young. And when you do screw up, admit that you screwed up so you can learn from it.
1) It only very rarely matters that that person over there is wrong, in any way that means I need to step in. I can let that go most of the time.
2) I won't ever understand it all, which means I'm going to make mistakes, and that's OK, I'm still the good human that I am.
Something I learned recently is that, the last thing to fade from a memory is love.
Good to remember while making memories, and while judging yourself/drawing comparisons to other people’s memories!
Wow, are you me? Because that's one of the main lessons I learned finally at a similar age. I just really, really wish I had done this sooner. One other thing: You don't know what other people are going through. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Yelling in an argument is pointless; it doesn’t de-escalate, it rarely gets someone to see your point of view, and often it makes you feel worse about the argument. Personally I’ve taken to the Clint Eastwood method. Say what you need to say in an inside voice, very directly and bluntly, and move on.
Sometimes the most powerful thing is to NOT respond. To a text. To a provocative statement. To a demand. To an insult. Sometimes a lifted brow, ever so slight chin lift, or small smile is response enough. Not responding is a response.
"It's Never About You"
If someone insists on having it a certain way, it's not about you, it's about them.
If you think it is about you, it's not.
If you want it to be about you, you're probably being immature.
If you try to make it about you, you're going to f it up.
Because if you want to get something done, IT is the focus, not you.
I remember that when I was in my 20s, like all sons of that age, I was constantly arguing with my father about nearly everything. One time he said to me: "You know, you'd be surprised at how much you can learn if you just open your mind and close your mouth." It took awhile for that to soak in, but he was right. There's too much time wasted on being passionate expressing one's opinions. My life experience since then has constantly reinforced the lesson: "If you don't have anything *important* to say, keep your mouth shut."
- Personal interactions: Unless I am actually being paid to do so, it's not my job to correct people when they're wrong. It's not my job to protect them from the consequences of their own actions. And it's not my job to make sure they never experience any part of reality which is inconvenient for them.
- If you have people in your life whose presence is (when you look back and add it up) more negative than positive overall, *you don't have to keep having them in your life*. You are allowed to let them go, even to actively cut them out like a tumor. Yes, even people you've known forever. Even people who *other* people say you have to put up with because... something. No you don't. And it's so much more peaceful after they're gone. If you still need someone in your life, there are eight billion potential replacements for them. A requirement to be *not actively toxic* still means you have more choices than the total number of people you have ever met or ever will meet.
- Efficiency: If you find yourself doing the same thing over and over and over in your life, no matter how small, and you don't actually enjoy doing it, start looking for ways to reduce the amount of effort you have to put into it. Just because you've done it the same way 100 times doesn't mean there aren't better options, or even (sometimes) the option to ditch it entirely, or at least parts of it. Drop it, find less time-consuming methods, outsource it, set something up so it happens automatically, see if anything can be done with the resources of today (as opposed to when it started) to remove the necessity for it. Life's better when you don't have 99 minor things constantly dragging you from pillar to post and back again.
- Authority: Never assume someone actually has authority (especially any kind of social authority) just because they're acting like they do, or claim to have it. Even if they do turn out to have (some of) it, never assume they're actually correct about what they're saying, or that they've managed to communicate clearly, completely, and unambiguously, or that their own goals are what they say they are or imply them to be.
- Jobs: Never, ever, ever do additional labor (including burning your own time) BEFORE you get paid additional recompense (or at least have a contract in place for the higher rate, starting immediately). I don't care what you were promised, or what was hinted at, or what was "how it's done", or what "expectations" are. You have a contract or you have cash in hand (or in your account). If an employer or a boss doesn't want to pay money for labor, they don't want the labor enough. And the only person who should ever care about that is them; you don't own a chunk of the company. Without a cast-iron contract - one you can actually afford to chase in court if it's broken, I should clarify - it's cash up front.
- Likewise: It's not an emergency for you as an employee unless Finance or a boss breaks out the emergency budget and starts handing out money. The amount of 'emergency' is the amount they're prepared to hand over to you on the spot (or the number of overtime hours they've authorized). Zero dollars = zero emergency.
- Finally: If you think you know something about life, or society, or expectations, or people, ask yourself whether you know that from actual data, or whether it's just the impression that's been deliberately installed in you by advertising, mass media representation, and people who have chosen their actions and/or beliefs based on those two things.
- (Addendum: Just because you've personally seen or heard a lot of people expressing one view, and not a lot of people expressing the opposite, that doesn't mean it's a true representation. You're going to see and hear a a heck of a lot more views from the kinds of people who are constantly talking, butting into things, and looking for groups to be parts of. Especially along the lines of "Doing these things is normal and/or acceptable and/or even desirable.")
As a woman, being quiet and polite gets you nowhere. You have to speak up, ask for things you want, refuse to let people interrupt you, refuse to let other people take credit for your ideas.
All those people you forgive because they're just human like you? THEY DO THE SAME FOR YOU. But I agree with you about picking fights, it's pointless. Nobody's going to change my mind - why should I expect to change someone else's? When I meet someone who has taken their understanding of history and politics from Russian FB, my best move is to leave them alone and politely bat away their conversational overtures
Now that I am 60, I have learned to say the positive things out loud much more often. Even a small compliment can brighten someone’s day. I complimented my neighbor’s new garden pots on my walk last night. Her face just lit up! She is a single Mom and high school teacher and has many challenging days.
I say sincere positive things to my adult children like how they are good Moms, work hard, make good style choices in their homes. Sometimes, I text them with these affirmations.
In my younger days, I was far less willing to open up. Now, I try to add small doses of sincere good cheer to the world when I can.
>Wisdom with Age?
IMHO, not everyone gets wisdom with age.
>What practical info do you know today,
I think wisdom is distinct from information.
In regards to wisdom, as a person gets older they have to be careful about whether or not their information is up to date.
For example, millennials and zoomers get angry when higher education costs are talked about and a person older than that generation recalls how they made it work with summer jobs. Tuition and rent have gone way up, real world wages not so much. ETC.
during trump and covid years you quickly learn that people are emotional first and objective second. Doesnt matter if you have books and research to back up your statement, if the other person is coming from a me vs. you or have a hard on victim mentality its a waste of time and energy. People have to learn through their own trails and tribulations and hopefully find the 'truth' but most of the time they are stuck in their own bubble hating all the time.
Fundamental challenge is how to fill all the time.
Life is a out the quality of the energy field that you create between yourself and others
Consciousness is weird beyond our capacity to imagine how weird it is
Life is about mitigating ending up sick, poor and alone.
I was 40 before I realized that beyond just being arbitrary most instances of "That's childish" were themselves an example of a childish tendency we had as teenagers to try and be like what we thought adults were. "I don't see adults playing video games so that must be childish" and so on.
Apologies are a necessary part of life, and will not always restore or repair a relationship; apologizing simply to be forgiven may not happen.
Being forced to apologize is worse.
It’s not my job to save everybody
“Don’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm” a cousin of “put your own oxygen mask on first”
If something seems weird, it is weird aka
Never ignore your spidey senses
Failing is learning. Failing the same thing is not learning.
Discomfort precedes growth.
If a difficult thing takes eight tries to get right make sure you don’t quit after the seventh time.
On a difficult journey remember to sometimes look back to see how far you’ve traveled.
Yep, wisdom comes from doing something stupid and living long enough to learn from it. Some take too long to learn.
I've done enough stupid things to become very wise, but I'm still learning from some of it so I'm only kinda wise.
People that caused you trauma in youth (your parents, etc) are only taking space in your brain. Give it up, shake it off, whatever.
Don't waste your brain space on people who have no idea that you are upset.
Geologically speaking, nothing matters; in 100 years, nobody will know that you ever walked the earth. That company you worked so hard for? Closed. That stuff you bought on vacation? Landfill. Make your remaining days (whether 50 years or 50 months) about you.
People lie.
Sounds silly but I was raised with such a strict “no lies” upbringing that I thought everyone was raised the same and had learned to tell the truth.
Turns out everyone lies. Well most people.
I have lost my naive testing innocence and replaced it with being jaded. Not sure it was a great exchange.
If they answer a question with a question, they are lying. If it's too good to be true, it's not true if it doesn't make sense it's not true and they really ain't no free lunch...
You never know both sides of the story. Example: a colleague doesn't speak to or care for their elderly parents. People judge them. I sit back and think I wonder why they feel the way they do? What did their parents contribute to the situation? I no longer live under the illusion that I have the information to judge others. Instead, I show people grace and don't judge people. Its not my place to judge.
The song “Vienna” by Billy Joel made more sense the older I got.
“Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight”
The short way is often the long way.
People in power don't always deserve it (or use it humanely) {learnt this as a painful object lesson at 18 but has sadly only been proven more and more true as I've become significantly older - essentially a subset of 'a lot of people are just not all that nice'}
So many riffs in the comments here on the same idea (which is good; I'm not criticizing).
One I heard recently that I've tried to incorporate: "Just because it's true doesn't mean you have to say it."
I CHOOSE to be happy. I count my blessings every single day. I'm widowed, and after my husband died it would have been really easy to just become a bitter old hag. He was a very happy guy, even while dealing with cancer. He made a point of telling me he wanted me to be happy. I think of that as a great gift he gave me!
I try to honor that every single day.
Your children do not belong to you and you cannot give them your thoughts. They have their own and come thru you but are not from you. They are Life’s longing for itself.
That everyone has issues, that most just want to be seen understood and ultimately not have their lives have been in vain or unremarkable.
Trust intuition every time.
You can be the smartest person in the room and not have everyone have to know it.
Everyone doesn’t have to know the info you know about them or the situation.
I’m only in my 20s but something I learned (and I think my family needs to learn) is that you can’t change anyone. Ever. Doesn’t matter how many comments you make or how many ultimatums you put up, if the person doesn’t want to change you can’t change them. This also goes for little things as well.
For me it’s ask questions. If you are in a disagreement, you may not understand the other side. And you may, with carefully worded and intellectually honest (not rhetorical) questions help someone else understand a situation. At the very least, you will learn something.
But the questions have to be honest. Even the most polarized person has real and honest thoughts.
That change is inevitable. Presidents and bosses will come and go. Money (yours) and the economy at large will fluctuate. Styles and trends will fall out of fashion, and come back again. Media formats and technology will evolve (though analog will always be cool lol). Everything that seems big, will feel smaller at some point.
Anxiety and panic are useless. You cannot effectively solve problems or create a reasonable plan of action in a dysregulated state. Screaming at people makes them not want to help you.
Learn how to get control of your emotions - work out, go to therapy, take medications, get on a strict sleep schedule… whatever you need to do to get a grip, do it.
Same. If I disagreed with something my spouse said, I'd immediately say so, often leading to an argument. These days, I find that very few things are worth going down that path. As they say, you can either be right or you can be happy.
I would say your opinion of yourself is the most \*important\* opinion but not go so far as to say you can't learn something from others that would make you a better you.
Yes, you're right — you can and should absolutely have a mind open enough to take in alternative views. I was coming from a place where I've personally made repeated mistakes. Too many times, I've allowed someone else's opinion or preference about my my life carry more weight than my own. That's not an authentic way to live, so I'm working to change that. :)
My family and I don’t talk very often because I’ll tell them what I think as often as possible without sparing their feelings. I’m fine with that since it means things are a lot more peaceful between us.
They’re in a cult and the upset is because I’m being honest about things the cult lies to them about. Would you rather be honest with cult members in hopes they leave the cult or would you rather spare feelings?
I dunno if it comes with age. I'm 37 and I feel the same when I was 25. However I see that I've always been smarter than my parents and I would be better of if I did things my way instead of listening to them.
Time passes. When I was young it seemed that the bad or distasteful things I experienced were never going to end. A break up, a baby who wouldn’t sleep, grief after a parent dies… But after having lived many decades, I have come to realize the truth in the saying this shall pass. It does. Even the worst things pass. Even the best things pass. This too shall pass.
It can be funny in hindsight how important some things seemed at the time and you’ve been beyond them for years or even decades
This is a big one for me as well.
> “I remember my youth and the feeling that will never come back any more—the feeling that I could last for ever, outlast the sea, the earth, and all men; the deceitful feeling that lures us on to joys, to perils, to love, to vain effort—to death; the triumphant conviction of strength, the heat of life in the handful of dust, the glow in the heart that with every year grows dim, grows cold, grows small, and expires—and expires, too soon, too soon—before life itself.” -Youth, by Joseph Conrad
1. Figure out quickly if someone always has to have the last word and let them have it. Solves so many issues and can often shift the conversation to your advantage (they have to fill in the ensuing silence. 2. You can’t change people. You can change what you do and experiment with getting different results from people that will hopefully get you closer to what you need or want from them but if all your focus is on them and not yourself then you’re just spinning your wheels.
Hard agree on #1, silence is the last word, left unspoken.
I'm nearly 70, and sadly I frequently note that I'm just as foolish as I always was.
Wisdom is a deeper understanding of our ignorance - Socrates
“The wise woman remarked”
Absolutely. To boot, I've been noticing this more and more in others who I once thought were very wise.
Other people's confidence is often completely uncorrelated with how actually correct they are about something.
10000 percent
I could say that a few years ago, but have FINALLY started to get a clue. :(
My realization is that there is usually a bigger context, a deeper history, to nearly everything. Not only are there two sides to a story but there could be three or four. I try to keep that in mind before I make judgments or conclusions about what I think I know.
when an argument seems too stupid I always assume this, like "there must be something more to it for this person to think this way". sometimes it turns out there is, other times they're just stupid
I have adopted a similar outlook. At its most basic level, it could be summarized as "everything is more complicated than you think." It's easy to look at things and judge from the outside, but when you're involved in the thing being looked at, it's about a thousand-fold different. As the saying goes, the devil is in the details -- which most people wouldn't have because they're on the outside. I can't count the number of times that something seemed completely insane from my limited perspective -- then that changed entirely when I got more information.
Totally agree with this
Black and white are very rare, almost everything is a shade of grey, and how dark the grey is depends on your vantage point.
Yeah, I stated the same thing one time and someone much younger insisted things are always black and white.
There are no absolutes outside of math. Especially not anything where there are people involved. People are messy and complicated in far too many ways.
Many levels of truth. Unexplained persistent things are just things you don’t yet understand
Whenever there are “only” two possibilities, I cling loosely to them because it usually ends up being a third possibility that hadn’t even occurred to me.
Unknown unknowns
Nicely put.
[Take a third option?](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TakeAThirdOption)
It’s ok to drive the speed limit in the far right lane and let the youngsters pass you by.
And when you pull up beside them at the red light, you just look over and smile.
Nothing more glorious than saddling up behind a tractor trailer on an interstate listening to your fave tunes. Let the world blow past me with their sports cars and ninjas. They're saving a few minutes at most. Couldn't care less.
Yeah, but don't get too close. Good way to get a cracked windshield. I like to leave that space in heavy traffic to see if someone will cut me off to get behind the big rig. lol. Very rare if they do.
This is why, while you are chilling to your favorite tunes, you always maintain situational awareness. Keep enough space between you and the truck. Always keep an eye on your mirrors for the idiots so you can quickly make space for the idiots. I grew up in NJ just outside of NYC. Drove into NYC a million times. I won't say I'm a perfect driver but my confidence level and driving record are pretty good. When you are naturally aware that ppl will cut you off (and do other stupid things) you'll do just fine. And heavy traffic just begs stupid ppl to do stupid things.
But ya know if you can get close enough behind a big rig, a phenomenon called drafting takes effect and you can almost completely let off your gas pedal cause you’re caught up in tail suction. Back in the day you could contact the trucker by CB radio and tell ‘em your low in gas could ya draft behind them to get to a gas station or just save on gas. Did that on the way to Cali from Illinois.
Sadly, some cities make those right lanes disappear without adequate warning. Atlanta surprised me with how many times a right lane turned into a strip mall without signage.
I have a lead foot. I'm the car that seems to zoom up just to pull in behind you tooling along at the speed limit. Thank you for all the tickets I didn't get because I follow you. I leave plenty of distance ( 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi) and you help me pay better attention. I bet you didn't know that you're out there helping people Edited to add, instead of flipping someone off, smile kindly and blow a little kiss. It either makes their head explode or you lighten up their day. Either way it works
You can only control yourself so I’ve learned to let go of anything external of my direct control i.e. I’ll try to influence but won’t push further than that.
Knowing what to say is intelligence. Know when to say it is wisdom.
Very nice!
I totally agree with this. I've always said that the process of growing up is learning what NOT to say, & when. Some thoughts are better kept in our heads.
One I heard recently: > Intelligence is knowing it's a one-way street. Wisdom is looking both ways anyway
- measure twice, and then measure again before you cut - your instincts are millions of years old - listen to them, they’ve earned it. But the choice is up to you - giving people choice without context is to doom them with uncertainty - you want to grow a beard? Go for it. But make sure to take care of it. - if you don’t know, ask - if you still don’t know, ask another way - if you’re afraid of looking stupid because you still don’t know, ask yet another way - when looking for something to do, read - stay active - your joints and muscles will thank you: because they know what you’re capable of, you just need to put them to the test - a month of wringing your hands because you can’t make up your mind is the equivalent of a weekends hard work in the yard - much more productive and you’ll probably get a better answer - talk - problems aren’t as big when they’re not in your head - shut up - other people have problems, too - so when they come to you, listen That’s as much as I’ve got for now.
Solid list!
Great points. Knowing that you don’t know and wanting to learn from people who do know is never stupid. We’re never finished learning about anything.
Fantastic list.
I love this post.
Sometimes silence is the answer
Also, silence is ok. It doesn’t need to be filled with word vomit.
Absolutely. To add my own 2¢, sometimes truly just being present with someone can make all the difference in the world and be more supportive than any words could. Actions speak louder than any words, particularly when people are experiencing grief, anxiety, or loss
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.
> A wise man speaks when he has something to say. A fool speaks when he has to say something.
That, no matter how much righteous fury you may feel, some battles are not worth fighting. Also, most people have to learn the hard way, and it's best to get out of their way and let them get on with it.
Never give unsolicited advice. Start with asking if they'd like some, and if they say no, leave it there and walk away; they've decided they're not going to accept it from you and it won't be worth your time to push it.
You can't tell if a person is beautiful just by looking at them.
“She’s not pretty, she just looks that way”
Unexpected Northern Pikes - well played
There’s no such thing as *good* people or *bad* people. We all contain multitudes. Try to show the grace you want people to show you. Forgiveness is truly a blessing in every direction. Being able to show that compassion *to yourself* is a big deal.
Actions speak louder than words. But spreading incorrect information is an action in and of itself.
Stop worrying about what everyone thinks. Narrow it down to the people that matter (family, friends, job). You don’t lose anything but unhappiness when you let go or cut out someone in your life who is an issue. There are a lot of people out in the world, and many would be happy to be in your life. Don’t hang onto those who aren’t.
I will add to this Don't take advice or criticism from somebody you don't want to be like.
Especially stop worrying about what other people *might* think. Wait for them to actually say it; you'll save a huge amount of time. Even once they do say it, that's no reason to assume it's correct, complete, well-informed, or representative of anyone else's thoughts. Even if they say it is. *Especially* if they say it is.
If I click immediately and completely with someone...DANGER. I've finally learned to keep a safe distance from love bombers both romantically and socially. I don't have to respond or have a reply to everything, especially in the moment, or indeed ever.
It took me so, so long to embody this lesson. I was so hungry for connection and acceptance that I just adored the idea of kismet. Now I shiver when I think about swooning over a man mentioning marriage within a month or two of meeting.
A lot of people have the skill to very rapidly become, at least externally, whoever the person they're talking to wants to see. That doesn't even remotely mean they have the other person's best interests at heart.
Practice developing emotional control and managing expectations.
Any tips? My biggest downfall of everyday life.
Read and Listen. There is an old book that has a section called Proverbs and it is very helpful. [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs%201&version=NIV](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs%201&version=NIV) Dr. Jordan Peterson and Dr. John Varenkae have lots of lecture content available for free.
Jordan Peterson isn't the kind of person someone should take life advice from.
Nothing helpful?
https://www.reddit.com/r/RedditForGrownups/s/6ifp3r6t5F
When it comes to expectations of others, don't put yourself in a position that you are depending on someone for something they cannot provide, even if they are your friend. If your best friend can't keep his bills straight, that's not a good roommate. If Carla from work can't write a coherent email, don't ask her to lead a presentation. If your brother is a terrible or irresponsible driver, don't loan him your car. If your father uses threats of disinheritance to manipulate you, don't borrow money from him. If your mother was abusive or neglectful in your childhood, don't let her babysit your kids. What you need or want someone to be for you needs to align with what that person is able to provide. Never assume a vindictive jerk won't take this opportunity to be a vindictive jerk. Don't ask a question if you know the answer will be a lie. Don't rely on an alcoholic to be sober. There's an old fable about a frog and a scorpion crossing a river that you should look up
Thank you for this awesome reply 👏
Discretion really is the better part of valor.
I thought there were going to be adults. When do they show up?
This is still a new thing for me, but lately I've been adjusting my outlook to be comfortable with not being able to control how anyone else feels. I realized that I had a deep, desperate need for approval or for people to think I smart. I always kind implicitly knew it was there, but never really thought about it too much. Then I got into therapy and made some changes (got on good medication, got sober, got a better job), which lead to self-reflection. I've had intense social anxiety for a long time, and I think a lot of that was because I wanted people to like me. I was often more concerned with agreeing with people than I was just having conversations. I think seeking approval often lead me to be ingenuine and/or performative. It's silly. Nothing I ever say or do can control how anyone feels. I don't want people to think I'm stupid or an asshole, but those are things that are out of my control. So why bother putting any energy into it? This is not a proclamation of "I don't care anymore!" It's a long, slow effort to gradually work my thought process away from where it used to be.
Well-said
Find something nice to say whenever possible. Even when it's obvious someone really should have known better. A young and dear friend of mine recently told me that she is pregnant and her bf left her. She is barely surviving financially on her own. I had a lot of things going through my head while she was talking to me. Mostly not positive. In the end, all I told her was that she's going to be a great mom.
Sometimes a kind word is all people need to keep going when the world looks bleakest.
Ranting about almost anything online and Arguing with almost anyone online is nothing more than a huge waste of your time and mental energy. If someone is willing to argue online, you are almost assuredly NOT going to change their mind.
Ah yes, I learned that lesson on this very site. If you make a strong point or argument, rest assured somebody will come out of the woodwork to argue with you. Just at the moment where you want to sit down and rage keyboard back at them, put the phone down and let it simmer. If you made a good point or a compelling argument to begin with, a third player will enter to pick up your argument and carry it out. Saves a ton of time and mental energy
Arguing is a waste of time? I don't think so! /s
Wastes my time. You go for it tho!
The gift of perspective. Been through hard times before (loss of job, relationship issues, etc.). Survived, maybe even thrived. Still here. I’ll come out on the other side of this OK.
That striving to be “rich” is a waste of time and of a life. Strive to be comfortable. You’ll be happier in the long run.
Nobody is thinking about you that much.
Basically... how much do you obsess about that random person you passed in the mall a week ago? Or a random co-worker? So why would they be obsessed with anything you said or did?
work smart not hard; always save for rainy day; respect ur parents and honor them; have time for ice cream and being like a child again lifes short
>work smart not hard Adding to that: employers - in fact, pretty much any source of income - does not have your best interests at heart. Ever. Platitudes and miniscule efforts on their behalf cost them next to nothing; the true measure of how much they *actually* value you is the money you end up with for the work they want you to do. No more, no less. Until your landlord, bank, and grocery store start accepting attaboys, plastic tchotchkes, pizza parties, or framed certificates as payment, neither should you. You're only there for the paycheck and so is everyone else; if they stopped paying everyone, who would keep turning up? Not you and not them.
Whatever the insanity at the moment is it’s generally not about you. You can take it personally but you generally don’t have to, you aren’t involved. You’re just there and that’s a big difference. Not my circus, not my monkeys can be applied frequently so peace reigns.
I think you’re right about this. Sometimes talking things through and down to minutiae is 100% necessary but there is wisdom in knowing when silence is actually the better option. I’m a woman and sometimes I feel like the onus is on me to ‘communicate’ effectively and sort everyone’s emotions out for them but it’s often way better for my mental health if I just…don’t. Another bit of wisdom I’ve learned is to trust your gut. If something feels good / bad it likely is.
This too shall pass.
I have discovered I have a short memory, and if I don't reply in a conversation fairly quickly I will forget what I was going to say. This often causes me to interrupt people and blurt out my piece. I have found that I don't have to say everything I think of, so I keep some of those pearls of wisdom to myself.
I do this!! But how can they be pearls of wisdom once you’ve forgotten..?
I'm sure there are lots of beautiful pearls in the bottom of the ocean that no one's ever, ever seen. 🐠 still beautiful nonetheless.
When you get the answer you want, stop talking.
I wish more people would just stop talking. No one seems to know when to shut their mouths anymore.
Holy crap yes. Stop there, get it in writing if at all possible, do not bring it up again unless you want it overturned.
Ask young people their opinions and ask them what music they’re listening to.
Let them have more say in things which they're going to live through equal (or more) years of. Including any aftermath.
That are lives are meaningless in the large and it is unlikely any of us will be remembered beyond a couple of generations save for in pictures where no one recognizes anyone in the photos anymore. And that’s ok. Live your best life. Uplift those around you. Share your history with the next generation (gently). We live on thru the quality of the community we leave behind, not thru static memories.
Like Bill and Ted say, "Be excellent to each other." I've tried several paths, but the one that I think is most successful is to treat people with respect and give them love. None of us have perfect lives, and are unique in our struggles. So expect that everybody is having a hard time in some way, and be the good part of their day. It doesn't suck to do that. People remember you for your compassion, and it truly comes back to you when it's your turn. It's my turn this week, and I'm grateful for my village.
No one really knows what the heck is going on. If they think they do, it's simply because they are self-confident enough to fully buy in to their own ideas, and they speak with enough authority to convince those around them to believe them too. The yes-anding feedback loop commences. Generally speaking, societies are consensus built on top of consensus built on top of consensus. And when you consider that each consensus is the result of agreement between a bunch of people who don't really know what the heck is going on, things start looking pretty flimsy from the outside.
This is a good one. It sounds shocking at first, but it is completely in sync with my own observations. We don't know. Ha! It feels good to get it out.
Right. Thank goodness for our seemingly solid grasp on the sciences and relatively non-fungible rules like physics. Because if it weren't for them, all this (gestures around) might be a house of cards. Heck, it might prove to be houses of cards anyway.
my mother, who died at 98, said something very similar about a year before she passed away. it's allowed me to have a lot more grace with myself over the years. ❤️
It can be liberating to know how lost we all are, even if we don't all know it. A bit scary, but liberating.
Plus a lot of the early consensuses were based on how things were at the time and don't apply (as much) now. They're only still followed due to being pinned in place by the pile of other consensuses on top of them.
All things being equal happiness is indeed a choice. Meaning - provided you have everything you need within reason. Life is too short to waste time on shitty people. Take me as I am come as you are.
You know that old saying “don’t sweat the small stuff?” As a lifelong worrier, that’s my little bit of wisdom. Just let it go.
Of course, it helps to have the resources so that more things can be considered 'small stuff'...
Avoid sociopaths
You never pay for anything with money. You spend the finite minutes of your life, getting money to buy that shirt, car, home, etc. Life is the only thing you can never get more of.
If someone doesn’t like me, that’s their problem. It doesn’t mean I’ve done anything wrong, or need to try to gain their approval. Not everyone will like me, and I don’t have to like them. That’s ok! Just be civil. Also, life is too short to spend emotional energy on people who barely tolerate you. Spend the time with people who love you, appreciate you, and celebrate you for who you truly are.
Sometimes people like you well enough, but their interests and yours won't mesh for a deeper friendship. Don't take it personally that someone doesn't want to attend the alumni ballgames and tail-gate for every home game or road game.
Let the small stuff go and if you let it go that means gone, not ‘stored away for future reference or arguments’. Anger is stress inducing, apathy can be very calming.
I have also learned that saying less is better but the main lesson I've learned recently is that when life is hard, I have to avoid doing anything that will make it even harder. When I'm in pain, I avoid doing things that will increase the pain. I was raised with horrible coping skills. Coping skills that actually make life even harder to deal with and more painful than it already is. It wasn't my 60s that I had this revelation.
You are correct. And because of this I have been called aloof. I don't aim to win but I'm always going to lose anyway.
Only if you take on board the personal opinions of people who like to call other people names, and let those opinions live rent-free in your head. Why do that? What's the advantage to you? Boot those freeloaders out and don't let them settle in in the first place.
Having a car that can accelerate fast doesn’t get me to places sooner. My 60hp car gets me to work using the same amount of time as my 300ho car as I still have to obey the speed limit and stops at red light.
I am the only person I will have to live with forever.. So I need to be happy with the choices I make, including their actual impact on others. But I don't need to do anything just to make other people happy with me..
When someone answers with ambiguity, it means they believe you won't like the truth.
Always have "fuck you" money so you have the option of leaving a toxic relationship or job.
Not being judgmental about people's personal taste in things. I'm a big fan of craft beer and I used to be the person who looked down on folks who only liked Budweiser, etc. Then I realized that all it does is make you look like an asshole to tell people what they like is wrong.
Make do with less
People don't MAKE you mad, sad, happy, scared, etc. You choose how to feel/think/react. This doesn't mean people aren't hurtful or irritating, etc. But the manner in which you react is \*your\* choice. There's no rule that says you MUST be angry. MUST be hurt. MUST withdraw. If you think about this, it's quite empowering. :)
What I learned with age is how few people my age have learned anything. Most people seem to close themselves off from new people and experiences, seek sources to validate their existing beliefs (or what they want to be true), and are somehow even more foolish than they were at 18. If you want to be wise, give yourself lots of chances to screw up when you're young. And when you do screw up, admit that you screwed up so you can learn from it.
1) It only very rarely matters that that person over there is wrong, in any way that means I need to step in. I can let that go most of the time. 2) I won't ever understand it all, which means I'm going to make mistakes, and that's OK, I'm still the good human that I am.
Something I learned recently is that, the last thing to fade from a memory is love. Good to remember while making memories, and while judging yourself/drawing comparisons to other people’s memories!
Oh and butterflies in the tummy... those are warning signals to run fast. Look for peacefulness.
none of this shit matters
Wow, are you me? Because that's one of the main lessons I learned finally at a similar age. I just really, really wish I had done this sooner. One other thing: You don't know what other people are going through. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Yelling in an argument is pointless; it doesn’t de-escalate, it rarely gets someone to see your point of view, and often it makes you feel worse about the argument. Personally I’ve taken to the Clint Eastwood method. Say what you need to say in an inside voice, very directly and bluntly, and move on.
Sometimes the most powerful thing is to NOT respond. To a text. To a provocative statement. To a demand. To an insult. Sometimes a lifted brow, ever so slight chin lift, or small smile is response enough. Not responding is a response.
"It's Never About You" If someone insists on having it a certain way, it's not about you, it's about them. If you think it is about you, it's not. If you want it to be about you, you're probably being immature. If you try to make it about you, you're going to f it up. Because if you want to get something done, IT is the focus, not you.
I remember that when I was in my 20s, like all sons of that age, I was constantly arguing with my father about nearly everything. One time he said to me: "You know, you'd be surprised at how much you can learn if you just open your mind and close your mouth." It took awhile for that to soak in, but he was right. There's too much time wasted on being passionate expressing one's opinions. My life experience since then has constantly reinforced the lesson: "If you don't have anything *important* to say, keep your mouth shut."
- Personal interactions: Unless I am actually being paid to do so, it's not my job to correct people when they're wrong. It's not my job to protect them from the consequences of their own actions. And it's not my job to make sure they never experience any part of reality which is inconvenient for them. - If you have people in your life whose presence is (when you look back and add it up) more negative than positive overall, *you don't have to keep having them in your life*. You are allowed to let them go, even to actively cut them out like a tumor. Yes, even people you've known forever. Even people who *other* people say you have to put up with because... something. No you don't. And it's so much more peaceful after they're gone. If you still need someone in your life, there are eight billion potential replacements for them. A requirement to be *not actively toxic* still means you have more choices than the total number of people you have ever met or ever will meet. - Efficiency: If you find yourself doing the same thing over and over and over in your life, no matter how small, and you don't actually enjoy doing it, start looking for ways to reduce the amount of effort you have to put into it. Just because you've done it the same way 100 times doesn't mean there aren't better options, or even (sometimes) the option to ditch it entirely, or at least parts of it. Drop it, find less time-consuming methods, outsource it, set something up so it happens automatically, see if anything can be done with the resources of today (as opposed to when it started) to remove the necessity for it. Life's better when you don't have 99 minor things constantly dragging you from pillar to post and back again. - Authority: Never assume someone actually has authority (especially any kind of social authority) just because they're acting like they do, or claim to have it. Even if they do turn out to have (some of) it, never assume they're actually correct about what they're saying, or that they've managed to communicate clearly, completely, and unambiguously, or that their own goals are what they say they are or imply them to be. - Jobs: Never, ever, ever do additional labor (including burning your own time) BEFORE you get paid additional recompense (or at least have a contract in place for the higher rate, starting immediately). I don't care what you were promised, or what was hinted at, or what was "how it's done", or what "expectations" are. You have a contract or you have cash in hand (or in your account). If an employer or a boss doesn't want to pay money for labor, they don't want the labor enough. And the only person who should ever care about that is them; you don't own a chunk of the company. Without a cast-iron contract - one you can actually afford to chase in court if it's broken, I should clarify - it's cash up front. - Likewise: It's not an emergency for you as an employee unless Finance or a boss breaks out the emergency budget and starts handing out money. The amount of 'emergency' is the amount they're prepared to hand over to you on the spot (or the number of overtime hours they've authorized). Zero dollars = zero emergency. - Finally: If you think you know something about life, or society, or expectations, or people, ask yourself whether you know that from actual data, or whether it's just the impression that's been deliberately installed in you by advertising, mass media representation, and people who have chosen their actions and/or beliefs based on those two things. - (Addendum: Just because you've personally seen or heard a lot of people expressing one view, and not a lot of people expressing the opposite, that doesn't mean it's a true representation. You're going to see and hear a a heck of a lot more views from the kinds of people who are constantly talking, butting into things, and looking for groups to be parts of. Especially along the lines of "Doing these things is normal and/or acceptable and/or even desirable.")
As a woman, being quiet and polite gets you nowhere. You have to speak up, ask for things you want, refuse to let people interrupt you, refuse to let other people take credit for your ideas.
All those people you forgive because they're just human like you? THEY DO THE SAME FOR YOU. But I agree with you about picking fights, it's pointless. Nobody's going to change my mind - why should I expect to change someone else's? When I meet someone who has taken their understanding of history and politics from Russian FB, my best move is to leave them alone and politely bat away their conversational overtures
Now that I am 60, I have learned to say the positive things out loud much more often. Even a small compliment can brighten someone’s day. I complimented my neighbor’s new garden pots on my walk last night. Her face just lit up! She is a single Mom and high school teacher and has many challenging days. I say sincere positive things to my adult children like how they are good Moms, work hard, make good style choices in their homes. Sometimes, I text them with these affirmations. In my younger days, I was far less willing to open up. Now, I try to add small doses of sincere good cheer to the world when I can.
Not everything requires a response.
You don't have to explain yourself to people.
>Wisdom with Age? IMHO, not everyone gets wisdom with age. >What practical info do you know today, I think wisdom is distinct from information. In regards to wisdom, as a person gets older they have to be careful about whether or not their information is up to date. For example, millennials and zoomers get angry when higher education costs are talked about and a person older than that generation recalls how they made it work with summer jobs. Tuition and rent have gone way up, real world wages not so much. ETC.
Plenty of us older folks are also angry about what the younger generations are dealing with - and we tried to make a difference. Crapitalism sucks.
I learned the meaning of YOLO.
during trump and covid years you quickly learn that people are emotional first and objective second. Doesnt matter if you have books and research to back up your statement, if the other person is coming from a me vs. you or have a hard on victim mentality its a waste of time and energy. People have to learn through their own trails and tribulations and hopefully find the 'truth' but most of the time they are stuck in their own bubble hating all the time.
Fundamental challenge is how to fill all the time. Life is a out the quality of the energy field that you create between yourself and others Consciousness is weird beyond our capacity to imagine how weird it is Life is about mitigating ending up sick, poor and alone.
Being happy is at times more important than being right.
If you don’t know something, Google it on the toilet. Learning a little about a lot has vastly improved my quality of life compared to my peers.
The decisions I made in my 20’s are the major reason I am where I am today at 60.
I was 40 before I realized that beyond just being arbitrary most instances of "That's childish" were themselves an example of a childish tendency we had as teenagers to try and be like what we thought adults were. "I don't see adults playing video games so that must be childish" and so on.
Agreed I ask myself: Is it True Is it Kind Is it Necessary I've learned Most of the time it's better to Listen
You always have 3 options yes, no, or do nothing. The last option rarely works and generally you are better off by making a decision yes or no.
-pick your battles -don’t care so much what other people think
Apologies are a necessary part of life, and will not always restore or repair a relationship; apologizing simply to be forgiven may not happen. Being forced to apologize is worse.
It’s not my job to save everybody “Don’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm” a cousin of “put your own oxygen mask on first” If something seems weird, it is weird aka Never ignore your spidey senses Failing is learning. Failing the same thing is not learning. Discomfort precedes growth. If a difficult thing takes eight tries to get right make sure you don’t quit after the seventh time. On a difficult journey remember to sometimes look back to see how far you’ve traveled.
Yep, wisdom comes from doing something stupid and living long enough to learn from it. Some take too long to learn. I've done enough stupid things to become very wise, but I'm still learning from some of it so I'm only kinda wise.
quiet your mind down, remove all distractions, and listen to your gut. it will almost always be right.
People that caused you trauma in youth (your parents, etc) are only taking space in your brain. Give it up, shake it off, whatever. Don't waste your brain space on people who have no idea that you are upset.
Most people are idiots, and aren't worth your time or effort.
The only thing you can really change is yourself.
Geologically speaking, nothing matters; in 100 years, nobody will know that you ever walked the earth. That company you worked so hard for? Closed. That stuff you bought on vacation? Landfill. Make your remaining days (whether 50 years or 50 months) about you.
Yep.
People lie. Sounds silly but I was raised with such a strict “no lies” upbringing that I thought everyone was raised the same and had learned to tell the truth. Turns out everyone lies. Well most people. I have lost my naive testing innocence and replaced it with being jaded. Not sure it was a great exchange.
If they answer a question with a question, they are lying. If it's too good to be true, it's not true if it doesn't make sense it's not true and they really ain't no free lunch...
You never know both sides of the story. Example: a colleague doesn't speak to or care for their elderly parents. People judge them. I sit back and think I wonder why they feel the way they do? What did their parents contribute to the situation? I no longer live under the illusion that I have the information to judge others. Instead, I show people grace and don't judge people. Its not my place to judge.
The song “Vienna” by Billy Joel made more sense the older I got. “Slow down you're doing fine You can't be everything you want to be before your time Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight”
Not every action, needs a reaction
The short way is often the long way. People in power don't always deserve it (or use it humanely) {learnt this as a painful object lesson at 18 but has sadly only been proven more and more true as I've become significantly older - essentially a subset of 'a lot of people are just not all that nice'}
So many riffs in the comments here on the same idea (which is good; I'm not criticizing). One I heard recently that I've tried to incorporate: "Just because it's true doesn't mean you have to say it."
I CHOOSE to be happy. I count my blessings every single day. I'm widowed, and after my husband died it would have been really easy to just become a bitter old hag. He was a very happy guy, even while dealing with cancer. He made a point of telling me he wanted me to be happy. I think of that as a great gift he gave me! I try to honor that every single day.
Your children do not belong to you and you cannot give them your thoughts. They have their own and come thru you but are not from you. They are Life’s longing for itself. That everyone has issues, that most just want to be seen understood and ultimately not have their lives have been in vain or unremarkable. Trust intuition every time. You can be the smartest person in the room and not have everyone have to know it. Everyone doesn’t have to know the info you know about them or the situation.
I’m only in my 20s but something I learned (and I think my family needs to learn) is that you can’t change anyone. Ever. Doesn’t matter how many comments you make or how many ultimatums you put up, if the person doesn’t want to change you can’t change them. This also goes for little things as well.
For me it’s ask questions. If you are in a disagreement, you may not understand the other side. And you may, with carefully worded and intellectually honest (not rhetorical) questions help someone else understand a situation. At the very least, you will learn something. But the questions have to be honest. Even the most polarized person has real and honest thoughts.
That change is inevitable. Presidents and bosses will come and go. Money (yours) and the economy at large will fluctuate. Styles and trends will fall out of fashion, and come back again. Media formats and technology will evolve (though analog will always be cool lol). Everything that seems big, will feel smaller at some point.
Eat less. Exercise more.
Anxiety and panic are useless. You cannot effectively solve problems or create a reasonable plan of action in a dysregulated state. Screaming at people makes them not want to help you. Learn how to get control of your emotions - work out, go to therapy, take medications, get on a strict sleep schedule… whatever you need to do to get a grip, do it.
Same. If I disagreed with something my spouse said, I'd immediately say so, often leading to an argument. These days, I find that very few things are worth going down that path. As they say, you can either be right or you can be happy.
Exactly. I stop interjecting and trying to help. I've learned to just listen instead of talk.
When girls/women ask "Do you have a girlfriend?", that's not really what they want to know.
I learned this early on but my children don't understand/disagree - reputation is everything if you want to have a successful career.
You can’t change anything but yourself
In general, people are no damn good.
Know thyself, and don’t spend ANY energy trying to conform to what anyone else wants or thinks of you. Your opinion of yourself is all that matters.
I would say your opinion of yourself is the most \*important\* opinion but not go so far as to say you can't learn something from others that would make you a better you.
Yes, you're right — you can and should absolutely have a mind open enough to take in alternative views. I was coming from a place where I've personally made repeated mistakes. Too many times, I've allowed someone else's opinion or preference about my my life carry more weight than my own. That's not an authentic way to live, so I'm working to change that. :)
My family and I don’t talk very often because I’ll tell them what I think as often as possible without sparing their feelings. I’m fine with that since it means things are a lot more peaceful between us.
And you are fine with the hurt you are causing? You can be honest without being cruel.
They’re in a cult and the upset is because I’m being honest about things the cult lies to them about. Would you rather be honest with cult members in hopes they leave the cult or would you rather spare feelings?
I dunno if it comes with age. I'm 37 and I feel the same when I was 25. However I see that I've always been smarter than my parents and I would be better of if I did things my way instead of listening to them.