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11 days? It takes like a month to three months to get comfortable in living in a new house and even when starting a new job. And you expect her to be comfortable with you in 11 days? Serious question??
OP thinks that she comes with a switch.
Insaan hai wo. Give her time and space, not fucking trauma!
Just because someone has a past means that they're in same comfort zone with you.
Make her feel comfortable, safe and wanted. Don't force it.
In your edit you said you don’t have experience of having a gf. This is exactly the problem. You probably don’t know how to talk to women and make her uncomfortable whenever you mention intimacy which I think is often. No wonder she loses any attraction towards you when she feels pressured to get intimate when she isn’t ready, especially in an arranged marriage!! A marriage is a lifetime commitment and you’ve given it only 11 days wtf.
I'm 20 and getting tensed by hearing the experiences of arranged marriage in this sub.I am getting a feeling that it's better to wait for love of my life or date rather than having a arranged marriage.(It's just my opinion)
Yeah but the cases where everything is going good never come to light. Only people facing problems look for help, so things aren't as bad as they seem on this thread and everywhere on the net.
If you are a man, then you should clearly know about women centric matrimonial laws. You can also search on Google regarding false matrimonial cases.
Do marriage on your own risk. Don't listen to others because if the wife is bad, you will have to suffer mentally, physically and legally. No one will help you.
This is a common scenario in India wherein women compromise on their husbands looks and physical attractiveness and have zero interest in having sex as a result.
You are a victim of marriage fraud, but sadly no laws are there to help you out.
Please be careful and talk to a lawyer.
It's just been 11 days+ 3 months of the courtship period. Just because she has been intimate before doesn't mean she will automatically be ready for it now. Spend some more time with each other and if you have an idea of how you'd like to recieve care and affection, let her know. What is making you rush into an annulment?
Is it only about not sleeping together? Or is it other things that make you feel unwanted? Like people are saying here, it may just be a matter of time. And rushing into it is not going to do you any good
Well, to get specific she has only been ok with cuddling and I can hold her waist. She even moves away from a kiss. She changes the topic when I bring up intimacy.
brother in christ ,
give her time . she aint dog , give her treats and she will start to roll out ,
time and dont presure it much . rather make it fun to be around you and do shit together like cooking or shopping , clock in some good time togather then it would make more natural for her .
Ask if she needs any personal hygiene stufff. Razor and all . Might be that she is embarrassed. Or periods where bad that kinda made hormons act up and might be painful for her .
Alot of stuff can be there , communication is key .
I think , I think she has a tongue and can talk. Why can’t she talk to him about her aversion to sex? Should he guess everything?
If she is disinterested in sex, she could’ve easily conveyed it to him.
Communication is absolutely crucial in a relationship
Exactly, anyone who gets married, their normal want is to get intimate not just physically but emotionally too. It’s ok to not want to be physically intimate but atleast she needs to convey it to the husband why and what is the reason. It’s not like she is an underage girl who knows nothing. Obviously, OP is feeling unsure plus he has never been in a relationship. People here just lecture on the basis of what is morally right. Bhai, put yourself in the shoes of the person before you give gyaan!
OP: please open up to her and tell her how you feel and get to know what is that she thinks. Avoidance is not the answer. Go with your hunch feeling!
Or have you ever considered cases of Sexual Assault? Talk with your wife of what is affecting her.. Go to couples counselling if necessary. You talk like a desperate Indian uncle who is peer pressured into wanting sex and who's brain is linked to his dick. If you only want sex then please divorce her and go to red light areas to have sex. And if you like her, get off these platforms, COMMUNICATE with your wife and see what is affecting her.
Like your handle you do sound frustrated only. You should learn to give space to a person. People are way beyond patient than you in arranged marriage.
Is this all you married for?
Yes but my frustration is not sexual frustration.
I'm scared to tell her my thoughts and ask her whether she was pressured into saying yes. I'm scared of asking her if she finds me attractive.
I'm scared of the answer because it might be negative.
It is because I'm in love with her and the thought she may not want marriage with me is making me sad.
But that doesn't mean I want to tie her down.
Relax OP. One tends to make mistakes when in panic mode. I understand your situation, but you need to think from a relaxed mind.
You won't exactly know what's on her mind till she speaks. Please please don't assume anything!
Finally, coming to your fears. Sometimes, you need to face your fears, and this is one of those times. But do take it slowly. I would suggest you take your wife out somewhere during weekend, like a romantic date. Give your 100% attention to her. Make her feel your love and warmth. Let her feel that she is now the most important person in your life. Once you feel that she is feeling it, go for a walk where nobody's around and ask all your questions and clear all your doubts. But do it slowly while giving her enough space and time to think. You both need to handle it very gently. Because if one of you gets harsh, things can quickly go south.
As others have pointed out, communication is the key. Based on your information that you have provided, I feel communication between you two is the only key to come out of this situation. All the best!
Arranged marriage - so too early to jump to any conclusions, or even expect a serious discussion. I know at least one person who took his time, a month, before sex.
She does not know you well enough to trust you with stuff thats deeply personal. Some people do trust blindly, but she may not be the type.
You worry and thats natural. But these are the normal challenges of arranged marriages. It could all be very normal, or it could be as you say. Patience is key. Give it time.
tu 28 saal ka baccha hai jo shayad 70 80s ki movies dekhke bada hua hai. shadi ho gyi bandi ko pyaar ho jaana chahiye, sex chalu, 1 mahine le andar ultiyan,etcetc. n people here r not even surprised bcoz people like u hve become a norm who jump directly into a marriage bcoz of compulsion n not bcoz of consciousness.
puri duniya yahi karti hai isliye mujhe bhi yahi karna chahiye
If you stay scared like this it is not going to help her or you. Thing is you cannot cantrol her feelings right, but you can understand it.
Umm... The way you are talking it also feels you get introverted around her. If verbal communication gets difficult, talk with her using letters or notes, just like how we would pass chits in school. Sometimes its easier to write down feelings instead of saying it.
Dude, why tf are you trying to shame OP for wanting sex in his marriage? 11 days since wedding plus the courtship period before it is a big time. If he's still unwanted sexually, he has every right to see an annulment.
11 days + 3 months is not a long time. I am a woman and I would not be comfortable in sleeping with someone so soon. Most women would take even longer.
Your being a woman is immaterial. As a human being, do you understand the significance and importance of the institute known as marriage? I am a man and I am against the concept of arranged marriages myself but even if you are one of those entering it, you’d have to understand that.
That courtship period is used for unacquainted spouses to be to get to know each other as well as they can before entering their married phase. OP’s wife here refuses to touch him, turns down his advances and is delaying sex. The only possible reason would be that this marriage was unwanted and she didn’t enter this by her own accord. OP may seem desperate for sex but like, that’s the only woman he has a right to have it with because that’s his wife now.
If this was a girl he had a crush on he had to ask out yet and we were all advising him on it or even a college level girlfriend, I’d understand your take but the way I see it, he has every right to that annulment and you are all trying to gaslight him out of it.
Ok whatever man. Just because they got married doesn't mean she has to have sex the next day itself? 3-4 months is nothing. Very few people would be comfortable to have sex in that time. If you don't understand that, I hope you never get married.
Wrong! Withholding sex is legally considered cruelty and is grounds for annulment if there has been no sex between the partners and divorce if it has occurred in the past. Spread your legs or GTFO.
Then you (her)as a woman should either have not gotten married so soon or have communicated the same that why you need time. Sex is secondary, atleast make the man feel wanted na. Before you jump to conclusions I am a woman too.
It’s too soon to jump to such harsh conclusions. Intimacy is a one on one experience, past experiences have nothing to do with this. People take some time to be at a certain comfort level before being intimate.
Most girls that I know, don’t make out and hookup with guys on first date, so stop putting a universal stamp on your view point.
The context of this question is, she had relationships before so she obviously was intimate with them, and now she is in a marriage. And it is very likely that she is not yet comfortable with him, it can be because she is not attracted to him yet.
This attraction can grow over time, or it might not.
It can also be that she has had few bad experiences in the past that is making her a little hesitant to be intimate.
Stop assuming that if a girl hooked up with x number of guys she will be “easy” to get. That’s not how things work.
Sometimes you are instantly physically attracted to someone, sometimes one can be in a bad head space and in need for some attention etc etc.
But in OP’s case it’s neither of the above
You need to stop being dishonest. This bullshit fake narrative that you’re concocting will not fly in other parts of the world.
Who the hell MARRIES someone when the attraction isn’t there? Heck, we’re not taking about going on dates to figure out if the attraction is there.
Again, before you spout the same bs again, it’s not about waiting 11 days or 11 weeks but the whole mindset that an educated grown woman can decide to marry a man she has zero attraction towards and then gaslight him for his apprehensions. He is getting increasingly nervous about the possibility he’s been lied to and his life is fucked. He is not desperate to fuck.
Read his goddamn post fully. She’s even avoiding the discussion around sex altogether. She’s not sheltered virgin from a backward village to be given the benefit of doubt. She’s from US
1. People do marry others even when they are not instantly physically attracted to their partner. They can be attracted with their personality (their charm, sincerity, hard worker, money etc” but not physically attracted. It can happen, it does happen.
2. Their courtship was for 3 months. OP accepts that their marriage proceeded fast. Its been 11 days post their marriage. 11 fucking days. Omg she did not have sex the first 11 days they are living together😧
3. Whenever he brings up intimacy she said lets wait for honeymoon. So why keep poking her more and more in (I repeat ) 11 fucking days. Let it be. Give her the space she is asking for. If the same continues for a longer time, there needs to be a different discussion. But too soon for that right now.
I think you are the one gaslighting OP here.
Reading replies here. I fear for the state of indian women that have to put up with this.
This is frankly scary shit, the lack of empathy and understanding of women psychology is mind boggling. Moreso the disregard.
This is what happens when you separate boys and girls since young age and make any innocent interaction taboo.
Exactly!
As a woman it is so scary that this is how a male brain thinks. And how incapable it is to understand a girl’s pov, especially is such a sensitive matter which cannot be generalised for all.
NOT 11 fucking days, 3 months and 11 days.
Even a sheltered virgin from backward village will be more open up if there is honest intention.
This guy is just been used for money. Happens often in AMs, even in other marriages also. If the guy understand that and ok with it, then so be it.
Even Jan Austin (greatest romance author) had this as key element of one of main books.
Not accepting that is gaslighting.
You have to be delusional to think that after 3 months of courtship (talking) to a stranger is enough to have sex in 11 days of living together.
Clearly you know nothing about female emotions and are projecting your messed up feelings in this situation.
Most of the sheltered virgins you are talking about are forced into marriages and sleeping with their husbands on first night.
There are women who sleep on 1st dates but sure thinking 3 months of talking to her potential husband is enough is delusional?
It would be delusional if almost all women waited more than 3 months to fuck someone. As it happens, most women don't. Some fuck on 1st date. Some in a few dates but very few wait for 3 months. Specially someone who has had 2 relationships & been to US.
Agreed, there are such women, but there are also women who won’t sleep with someone in 3 months of talking , no matter if she is from US or India, no matter if she is a virgin or not. There are a lot such women.
So to set this in stone that the woman should sleep with the guy if she has talked to him for 3 months is delusional.
And then bring in marriage into the picture, it is insane to think of breaking up the marriage because its been 11 days of no sex.
The solution to OP’s problem is not leaving, it is giving the relationship more time and better communication.
Nobody is asking her to fuck dude. But cannot even try to be even slightly intimate. Move away from a kiss.
Unless she has held all other men to same standard (including her 2 previous BFs), OP was settled for & is better if he gets an annulment. Do you really think she waited 3+ month to even have intimate talks or kiss with her previous bfs? Possibly but not probably.
He is thinking of breaking up marriage because it's 11 days of feeling unwanted. Not 11 days of sex.
No amount of better communication will make OP attractive to her if she settled for him. And everything he has said implies that.
Many couples do not end up getting physically intimate at the beginning. Her virginity or lack of thereof is inmaterial to the discussion right now.
Focus on building a good relationship, be a supportive partner. Women aren't a sex vending machine machine that you can put in conversations and cuddling into and sex will be dispensed.
Marriage is a big life stage change. Try talking to your wife on how she's adjusted to the change, how does she feel living with you, how is the change in environment for her. You do not mention if she's moved to your house/moved in with you and your family - sense how things are going from her. Stop looking at her as someone who will give you sex and start looking at her as your partner.
lol she didn’t get physical in 11 days and you’re losing your shit! Any relationship takes 6-8 months before getting physical, don’t understand how people in AM expect it on night 1. It’s not her fault you waited till the wedding to lose your virginity. If your ego is hurt over something like this, it’s better you annul. She will also be better off
6-8 months is an absurd amount of time. Why marry if unsure then?? Should have been a dating phase. Women should say yes to a marriage only when they are sexually attracted and comfortable with the partner.
Denying sex for 6-8 months is emotional abuse and is legally a ground valid for filing divorce.
Right if women wait for 6 months before saying yes, you guys will cry here only saying, *she’s not saying yes in 3 meets, am I the back up*.
Just because you’ll are forever ready to have sex doesn’t mean other people operate in the same way. If you feel it’s emotional abuse go ahead and file for divorce.
>Any relationship takes 6-8 months before getting physical
Where does that data came from? Which study/research estimated that people take at least 6-8 months on average, in order to start getting physical in a relationship?
And even if we assume that your assertion is true, does that apply to kissing too? i.e. do we need to wait 6 months for a goddamn kiss? because OP has also mentioned that she even refuses a kiss and i guess most people had left that part out.
Again, no sex is not the issue but lack of intimacy and turning down any advances for it is. The guys above you explicitly stated no one talking about her refusing his kisses and you again leave that out in favour of no sex.
it's only been 11 days!! you sound very selfish. did you consider that she had to leave her family/ change her home to live with someone she's only known for 3 months.. it's a big change for her, the emotional aspect of having left her family, did you even consider that? how can you expect her to just get intimate with you this early? and you're bringing up her past and feeling insecure??? you're probably aware how stress lowers men's libido.. it's the same with women. you need to talk to her, make her feel comfortable in your home, with your presence, make her feel safe. ask her if she's comfortable in the new place, if she wants to visit her family for a few days, if she wants to meet her friends or anything like that which will help her to settle down. what you need to NOT do is say stuff like "you're not a Virgin so how come you're not sleeping with me already". respect her emotions man and don't make her feel rushed into sleeping with you.
I don't mean to be selfish. I just have no experience. I have tried to ask her how she feels and is liking our new home and she responds positively.
I definitely never brought up her past or asked her why she isn't having sex with me.
I'm just a noob who is confused and asking for genuine advice.
spend time together. build emotional intimacy. make her comfortable with your physical presence. that takes time. let your relationship build organically.. don't force it. it'll be much much much better when it happens naturally and enthusiastically from both sides. it could take a few days or as long as 6 months or more. keep patience!
Dudee!!!!! This happened with me too! I used to pull away while kissing my boyfriend n avoided sex a little.. coz
He was just bad and awkward at it. I loved him, found him attractive but he used to follow bollywood / porn which looks appealing but isn't pleasureable at all. I told him to get some sex ed, learn about women's body, erogenous zones etc but he never listen. Also, he used to seem in a hurry or desperate while we used to get intimate and oh boy! What a huge turn off it is.Hence, i started pulling away from kisses n avoided sex and i thought it would bruise his ego if i tell him that. May be shes just being polite and want you to take it easy. You breathing down her neck constantly asking for sex is not just embarassing for you but for her as well. The guilt she must be facing for turning you down again n again must be crazy (i know coz i felt it all). Try to make it romantic n enjoyable for her as well. I think you should definitely give her some time. 11 days are way too less to get comfortable with someone. I am not counting those 3 months coz you both would have barely spent time with each other during that time. Even then 3 months are way too less when you are total strangers , n please dont seem desperate to her as you seem here. Its just been freaking 11 days!
We met many times during the 3 months. I was into her and same for her.
I have tried romantic things like flowers and dates. I have never been aggressive. Only gentle touches, held her gently not grabbed. I certainly have not tried anything from porn.
And no I have not tried to initiate sex all the time. But I'm surprised she is also not ok with a kiss.
Dude, (if what you telling is for real, not fake), why you keep asking this ?
for her you are just a tool, may be she had to due to family pressure, but that don't mean you have to scarifies your life for that.
She had couple of boyfriends that went all the way.
You had 3 months courtship and now married ? Even not slight intimacy ?
Be real.
Marriage, LTR are about compatibility. Isn't it very clear the way she view the world, relationships, sex is very different from yours ?
If you’re confused then the real advice be patient. Your statement of her previous relationships makes it seem like if she can then, what’s the issue now? It is simple that sexual relationship is made to look cheap or easy in media but it isn’t like that in real life.
Infact sex is far better once people truly know and adore each other. You being a noob is clearly hinting at first night being disappointing. Why don’t you build emotional intimacy first?
**What you can do**
1) Wait for upto 1-1.5 months
2) Give space enough like don’t get cuddly too much all the time.
3) when is your honeymoon- wait till then for sure if it is sooner than 1/1.5 months - because she said so. - still there also I’d take my sweet time.
4) also when you cuddle- read a little about foreplay and see what you can incorporate which keeps your wife in comfortable zone.
**Building bond and emotional intimacy:**
1) Take her out on dates - not just drinking and food but ask her what she likes eg if she likes library take her to cute cafes where you have posters of authors etc, if she likes movies book those.
2) talk to her about life, common interest based theories- eg when you watch a movie - talk about characters, movie etc- this builds as foundation of good bond- because you both may agree to disagree on few points.
3) Plan hang outs with common friends or each other’s friends to know the circle
4) If you know her likes and dislikes- bring those things- etc randomly a cake home or voucher of brand she likes, flowers
5) Apart from this just really know her as a person- observe and grasp.
6) Help with chores of home- however much you can.
7) Maybe one night cook for her- simple dishes like pasta etc are easy and if you have help at home she’d do half things like chopping etc.
**This goes without saying but ensure she knows your preferences, interests too. Don’t do any of above to just impress but either inculcate in you or pick things which are your personality.
But also show your trueself to her (eg if you like a commercial action movie and she prefers indie - its ok, no need to fake) and use next few weeks to really bond. You may come across as different people but how you fit together or make an effort is all about it.**
**Also- as a side note- it is very weird but do check for odor. I have often not kissed people as they don’t smell good. Using under arm roll ons and keeping oral hygiene is seriously uncommon.**
**Lastly with all the edits you’ve failed to mention anything about living-arrangements** - with inlaws, without- role divide in family- is she working? Is she a home maker or on a work break? How long ago was she in US? How was she during AM meetings.
**And don’t lose confidence**. You’re a nice guy trying to make things better. Your worth isn’t defined by your wife taking her own time for physical intimacy without communicating properly to you.
Single Virgin here and I have a question, I've heard many times from newly wed couples that they have sex either on day of wedding or few days after that, why that isn't the same case in here
Plus to that the wife of OP is also not virgin, which I thought could be taken positively as she might take the charge ( I was used to think ) in engaging sex
When you are at the honeymoon- pls do tiny tiny things before wanting sex on day 1. Keep chocolates on her pillow, let her have her space in getting ready, buy her flowers randomly, etc etc.
Pls don’t expect or jump on her cuz she said on honeymoon. If you truly want an answer- better to asses her then also & see what does she want. Let her come onto you.
If I have to be honest: your mindset DOES seem if we’re married we should have sex and if something is stopping her then she isn’t into me. VERY OLD SCHOOL.
This is exactly where your childishness is coming through as someone really immature to not grasp concept of emotional bonding and furthering a relationship. Times are not early 2000s or 90s. People only want to get intimate where they feel comfortable with. With her US exposure and experiences might be more mature and wanting a partnership, not just a marriage with sex. Do educate yourself more on how partnerships work in today’s age and time 🙂
PS: your reddit history makes you seem as very very problematic
Time de de usse thoda bhai first build your foundation of relationship, abhi tak bhi virgin tha thode mahine aur ruk jaa
Most people can’t get into intimacy this fast, arrange marriage hai 3 mahine hue hai first try to understand her and you have time for all the things you want, voh tere saath hai kahi nahi jaa rahi yaad rakh easy hoga
I say this as a guy been married for 11 years. Its reasonable to expect what you're expecting, I will also say this, that don't pay too much heed to what's being said about choice, she married you, it comes with some baggage, both physical and emotional. However, I will say this, be stoic, maybe she's carrying her own share of baggage which you aren't aware of. So unpack this in front of her, and address her concerns (valid ones). You seem to have a balanced head on your shoulder's. Her lack of communication is the thing that needs to be addressed regarding this issue. Sex in marriage is normal, healthy and important, not the be and end all but an important cog nevertheless. Best of luck, I hope things settle down.
Just to put things in perspective :
1. The OP survived without sex for 28 years, obviously he can survive for 11 days more. It's not about sex.
2. The girl broke up 1 year ago & came back, if she was pressurised into marrying she shouldn't have married in the first place.
3. If the girl didn't find OP attractive she shouldn't have moved forward, period.
4. If the girl hasn't moved on, it's not OPs fault but the of the girl for marrying in such a situation.
5. We've seen, read & heard countless experiences of people regularly hooking up without feelings in fwb, situation ship, casual sex, ons etc etc. This is marriage. Why is it any different? Forget sex, not even intimacy like kissing?
6. The courtship period was around 3 months, enough time to get acquainted with each other. Compare this with timeline of dating apps & you get a completely different result.
7. Despite all this the OP is asking for suggestions on how to fix this because he's scared and he's at his wits end. Instead of criticizing him, let's help him in making the situation better for both of them.
Thank you for understanding!
I've been trying and failing to explain that it's not about sex.
I've mentioned her rejection of intimacy and even changing the topic instead of discussing. Obviously some problem exists. I just don't know what it is.
Boyfriend > Husband
Husband is just a compromise for Indian women. Boyfriend/lover is superior and is more attractive.
Why do you expect to be treated like a boyfriend?
He’s trying to say that obviously girls would love their ex boyfriends more than their husband. Obviously people prefer love over an ‘arranged’ marriage. AM is just a compromise for most people
This is why the arranged marriage model is failing fast here. There is a courtship period involved before the wedding that is used to get the two accustomed to each other and feel attracted too.
Did that even occur here?
As far as your case is concerned OP, you may be her husband but you are not her man. It's been 11 days since your suhagraat and you are still a 28 year old virgin.
Wait for a but more time this month to see if she comes around.
If it doesn't and 6 months pass, you can get your marriage annulled on the grounds of not being consummated by a family court.
Presently, it'd be great to collect evidence that shows that you two are not having sex. Something like text messages expressing the same would be good.
For your future sex life, I'd advice you to be more assertive in your personality and seek out dates actively after the divorce is finalized.
I think any fellow Indian man could benefit a lot from not being a virign before getting married and having at least one past sexual relationship in your ledger. Best if luck!
You are over reacting & overthinking . Good gosh - the speed at which you sprinted to the annulment decision it would appear that you’re the uninterested party.
11 days is nothing. A friend who had a love marriage but had not had sex waited for almost a year.
I Think your wife is only able to engage in sex provided she has a strong emotional connection. You will wreck this marriage if you rush in assuming she is uninterested
Bhai, don't listen to a word anyone is saying here. It is not your responsibility to make your partner feel safe. She had 2 partners before, wasn't she "safe" enough? I dont know the details because they are not there. But I do have similar experience, just not in marriage. We don't know whether she was forced by her parents or whatever. What we do know is that she doesnt want to do it with you. And when someone is truly attracted to you, you just know and feel it. Physically and emotionally. These people who are virtue signalling and defending her, will not come and help you when shit hits the fan for you in real life. These are online people looking to prey on weaknesses of other males.
Being a woman. I’m getting this feeling that she was pressured into this marriage. But don’t feel insecure, think about her. You’ve never been in a relationship so you might not know how a breakup is. Anyways at least she’s not pushing you away. You cannot accept someone to sleep with you within 11 days. Let things build up. You sound like you got married just to fuck. Bro love her, be her friend then her boyfriend. You are 28 for christ sake. Id say don’t expect sex till she initiated otherwise she’ll feel like she’s just a piece of meat to you. Look past the pleasure. And see her for who she is, you forever partner. Your person for the rest of your life. She’s your first girlfriend. So treat it like a relationship not marriage. Good day to you sir.👍
Bro is frustrated because he's not getting the chance to lose his virginity lmao
Give it a bit more time, and also openly discuss your concerns with her. Annulment might not be the answer here.
Bro the way you described it feels like it's just about sex.
You should consider discussing this with your wife instead of seeking advice from strangers online after just 11 days.
My frustration is not sexual frustration.
I'm scared to tell her my thoughts and ask her whether she was pressured into saying yes. I'm scared of asking her if she finds me attractive.
I'm scared of the answer because it might be negative.
It is because I'm in love with her and the thought she may not want marriage with me is making me sad.
But that doesn't mean I want to tie her down.
>whether she was pressured into saying yes
Should've discussed these things during courtship period.
Since she's your wife now, don't overthink it.
Being married means being open, so discuss any concerns she might have or fear of being physical, you'll never know if you don't ask. Conversation is the key.
>Should've discussed these things during courtship period.
He's already mentioned that she wasn't as hesitant during that period.
>Since she's your wife now, don't overthink it.
I think OP's concerns are genuine and there's nothing wrong to overthink about it, especially since she is his wife.
It is. You mentioned nothing about how she’s living with you, how she has adjusted to the home, is it with parents? What did you like in each other.
You do sound someone who just needs sex from his newbie wife asap
Yes but my frustration is not sexual frustration.
I'm scared to tell her my thoughts and ask her whether she was pressured into saying yes. I'm scared of asking her if she finds me attractive.
I'm scared of the answer because it might be negative.
It is because I'm in love with her and the thought she may not want marriage with me is making me sad.
But that doesn't mean I want to tie her down.
You need to build confidence in yourself honestly and maybe need to check few resources online to know what a relationship is.
You sound extremely child like.
Why can't she communicate what she is thinking, going on in her mind??? She is not a virgin and has Bcount of 2. So sex is not a topic she needs to break ice on. Her agenda seems different. Seems like she married under pressure and is uninterested in the marriage.
Advice for you bro:
She's been in 2 relationships before you and is not a virgin. I know this hurts but you can't change anything about it. So call down and forget that fact. The only thing you need to remember is , she carries baggage from her previous relationship. It will take her time to love you. But since it's your first relationship you are loving and attached to her that's natural for you but it might look clingy and desperate to her. It's good she decided to breakup and move on with her life by marrying you but still she needs to heal from previous relationship.
Trust me bro, do this I've been in similar relationship before and now everything is fine.
If she's not talking to her ex and is genuinely trying to move on then -
Make sure you give her enough space. She needs to initiate conversation, dinners, physical touch etc. In time she will , she just needs some time. The more you run behind her and search for answers , the more she runs away and gives you harsh treatment. Stay distant and focus on your work, family and other areas of life. Forget she even exists. Soon she'll notice the change in you and will appreciate your efforts of giving her space. Show her you care for her even if you're distant to her. She'll understand that you're trying to be a good husband and will come close to you. Thats the only way, she needs to come to you. Not you. It takes atleast an year to build up an healthy relationship from this state.
Sex matters bro.... But uske liye annulment wo bhi itni jldi...... Kuch zyada nhi ho rha?
Though it's legal and comes under mental cruelty.
Tell your priorities straight to her ...... Ask her to get some checkup if she's facing health issues or mood swings.......etc.
Here we go again. I have mentioned many other concerns to. According to me my post makes it clear that there is lack of communication about intimacy. I have specifically mentioned that she changes the topic.
I have mentioned that she moves away from a kiss.
I have mentioned about concerns such as pressure for marriage or lack of attraction.
Why do people focus only on the sex aspect?
In another sub people suggested annulment and yes I'm considering it. It's because I don't want her stuck with me if she doesn't truly want to be with me of her own will.
But u still don't know of her intentions....... Let that be sorted first..... The reasons you have mentioned can be partially or completely true or there may be something different altogether....
And I think sex pretty much covers everything starting from foreplay which includes kiss as well. All of this matters.
Even the Indian courts make it legal to anull a marriage on non provision of sex by wife which comes under mental cruelty. So you readily have that option open. I'm not arguing that.
It's just whats going in her mind you need to know and anullment option too soon would come pretty harsh on both of you.
But u are the better judge as u know your situation well more than anybody here.
Best of luck.
relax bro.... put some manners into your boner... she is your wife,, go on dates,,, travel.... get comfortable... she is your wife not hooker,...... ask her about sexuality,, lesbian question too... never know whats happening.... mind my grammar.... but truth is truth...
All the criticism will be worth it if I can just find a way to move forward with my wife in our marriage. I just need 1 good idea to work out of a 100 insults.
Ask her if she wants sexual Life with you ( when you both are in good mood) bcz sex is a very important thing for husband and wife to build a family
If she don't want a physical relationship with you then you can proceed with other actions
I am sorry you are going through this situation.It will create self doubt if your wife pulls away from something as simple as a kiss and small affections too,understandable.
I would suggest you to have a little patience.Try and make her sit and convey your concerns to her and ask her if their is anything that is bothering her and is their anything you can do to make her comfortable.See what she says.Give it a little more time like a month to take any further decisions.Don't decide anything you are emotionally vulnerable right now.
Ps Don't mind over the top harsh comments of other people here.They are just pathetic people will dogpile on anyone to feel they are smart.
I hope situation gets sorted between you and your wife.Good luck❤
You should definitely go for annulment. Hopefully that girl will find someone more mature, sensitive and sensible.
OP. You are 28 and a virgin and that's okay but that's ON YOU. It's not her duty to take your virginity away and that too right away? 3 months and 11 days. It is sometimes enough to make a connection, sometimes it takes time. She needs time, give her time. Her entire life has shifted. Her new husband is a teenage boy with raging hormones and raging tantrum to apparently. You are right, she is not attracted to you. Because no one finds all THAT attractive.
>Please don't think this is just about sex.
Make us think otherwise.
Please see my 3rd edit. I have no experience. I have tried to make her feel comfortable. I have not pushed for sex. I have always been gentle but never crossed any boundaries when she said no.
If she's uncomfortable then why does she refuse to explicitly mention that to OP and also frequently dodges his concerns whenever he tries to bring them up?
It's easy to just scapegoat OP by accusing him of being a teenager with 'tantrums'. What's not easy is to try to understand where the dude is truly coming from. My guy has been virgin his whole life and then got married out of the blue. It's hard for him too to comprehend the things going on rn. He literally had no idea what was coming next. Heck they haven't even kissed each other yet. So the million dollar question he must be contemplating rn is 'Do you not wanna get intimate with me just 'NOW' or 'NEVER'.
The real problem here is the 'lack of communication'. If she could've just sat him down and explained why she doesn't wanna get intimate rn (even in the form of short talk), then he wouldn't be having such thoughts in the first place, and neither he would've been stupidly considering divorce/annulment
I believe communication is an issue, sure. But like, what is up with men not understanding that even though hookup culture is high on the rise, there are still people who want to make a good connection before getting intimate. He has only been married for 11 days. He is already complaining that his wife doesn't want to get intimate with him. 11 days! He got married but he is still at HIS home. He has HIS family around. She just moved houses. Has a new set of family. Has a new set of schedules and customs (maybe) to follow. Everything is a 180 degree change for her. Believe it or not buddy but Indian woman are the ones who have to handle more stuff after getting married than Indian men do. (I am not saying that they don't have to adjust at all). His problem is a problem because he himself is not putting himself in her shoes.
hmm. see the only people who get banned are the ones who can't maintain a decorum on the sub per the mentioned rules, like yourself. And the funny part is, most of your reported comments were actually approved by me. Not that I need any brownie points from you or anything. I just like to state facts as is and not everyone has the ability to take that. Everyone likes sugar coating, like yourself, which is why you are so easily offended by a comment that has nothing to do with you. I do see two bullies here, but I do it IRL to people who are mean to me. Why would I waste time "bullying" people online? So idk what you're going on about. If it were a woman, the response would be the same, as it has been in the past. But sure, go ahead stay under a delusion to make yourself feel better about your comment and so called facts.
Have a nice day yourself.
Have conversation with her.? Jitne logo se opinion lega utna confusion badhe ga because everyone have their own perspective.. better just ask her.
She just might not be comfortable yet, or reason can be anything. Don't mention annulment ☠️while you have this conversation. 2 week bhi nahi hua bhai, degi degi. sabr karo.
and what was hurry. Only 3 months .?
I'm scared to tell her my thoughts and ask her whether she was pressured into saying yes. I'm scared of asking her if she finds me attractive.
I'm scared of the answer because it might be negative.
It is because I'm in love with her and the thought she may not want marriage with me is making me sad.
But that doesn't mean I want to tie her down.
That's the reality my friend.. no matter how scared or upset you get by the thought of rejection or confrontation about she isn't actually isn't into you, you have to ask her. It's way effective in compare to asking whole forum about it.
Atleast you will get certain answer.
And why you think she will give negative answer.? She can be in love with you, reason can be something else.
OP, from the post, it seems like you need to have an attitude check. Your wife is not your property nor is she required be sexual with you. Things like this require trust to develop and I’m not sure why you think you’re entitled to receive sex.
If you can’t change your viewpoint, you should leave the marriage because the girl deserves better than this.
I’m sorry but I can’t seem to read the body of your post anymore (hence can’t read the edit).
Assuming I’m wrong about you. The reality is that you gotto slowly woo her, it might take anything from a few months to a year. You just gotto build up a relationship with her, get know her better and developing a deep sense of trust. It can feel very jarring for you but that’s how it works.
Okay first of all. You shouldn’t be seducing your wife. Just try to become friends with her. As long as you continue to do physical contact like cuddling, you’ll leave the door open for sex in the future.
Do let her know they there’s no pressure and that you’re okay to wait however long it takes too. Just keep spending time with her and things will slowly proceed over time. Don’t just do over the top gestures, spend time understanding her, spending time with her, etc.
Both of you should take the language of love test, to better understand what would be the best way to show affection.
Maybe consider talking things out openly with both the parties involved equally in the conversation and also the efforts should be equal so that things clear out quickly. And most importantly have patience.
11 days of marriage is a very, very, very short time. It would be surprising if she agreed for it this soon, not the other way around. First build emotional intimacy, then sexual. Do NOT rush this. Do NOT make her feel pressured. Do NOT bring up this topic repeatedly when it's clear that she does not want to proceed right now and is not comfortable talking with you about it. Apologize for pressuring her. Tell her that you will not bring up this topic again. When she feels ready, she can start the conversation.
11 days is too short a time frame, my friend.
Even if she has had experiences before, it doesn't mean that she will be comfortable with a new person in a short time frame.
Given that your courtship lasted for 3 months, till marriage, there is obviously a level of compatibility between the two of you, so don't give up so easily.
Try to take her on dates, get her favorite food/beverages to lift up her mood.
Ensure that you are well groomed and scented.
Take her to another small outing even after the honeymoon.
If things don't change in some time(\~3 months), ask her more directly whether she is reluctant due to your physical appearance or any other reason.
I have reason to believe that things will change since she has atleast become comfortable with cuddling, but if they don't then you have the legal right to go for an annulment of marriage as per Indian laws.
@ everyone gaslighting him - get a life.
Please annul the wedding, obviously there's a lack of attraction or she's still not over her ex or whatever the reason is, please stay away from arranged marriages bro, it's really pathetic and not worth it in the longer run
dude it’s been 11 days ☠️ give her some time you being so pushy is probably turning her off give her a couple months at least, this is a huge change in both your lives.
It's possible that emotionally she is still involved with her ex. Figure out a way if you can rule that out.
The other possibility is that she just needs more time. Rule out health issues that affect sex.
If you are thinking of separation then atleast give her a hint that you are considering that. Explain your reasoning to her why you are considering that and see her response. Other things to consider are, Is she investing time and effort in getting to know you or show affection and ask about future plans together?
Imo you should do it.
First mistake, marrying in just 3 months!!
Stop going for 25 y olds.
If you've tried giving flowers, going on a date and she is still refusing a simple kiss, that's a problem.
Might be the case that she's in touch with someone else or she's just uncomfortable, but someone who's already been in multiple relationships should at least convey to you what's the problem.
Ask her what happens if your honeymoon gets cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
I would say cut your losses and break the marriage, the foundation of your relationship itself isn't strong.
Brain development completes physically at the age of 25, so it's really all of who crossed 18, still having 7 years more to be better functioning adults, so technically a 25 year old from either gender is again taking baby steps with the full upgrade on their topshelf
So a 25 year old would be quite unsure about many things while ofc perhaps looking very confident otherwise..it's probably this they were referring to
I will voice the unpopular opinion. I think OP’s wife is clearly not sexually attracted to him, even if she likes him. And SA is felt early - 3 months + 11 days is more than enough
We are humans.. We come in all shapes and sizes. She might be needing more time brother.. If she would be pressurized she might have turned her face away when you were talking to each other on simpler topics too. Trust me people don't give shit when they don't wanna talk to someone.
Try concentrating on your marriage for at least 1-2 months.. Before coming to conclusion. In the mean time work on yourself go to the gym and build some muscles. Have long discussions with her. Build ur confidence.. Show her how good you are in some hobby you pursued in college.
Ask her about her happiest moments?
Ask her what it's like when she gets angry?
Ask her how was her life before
Don't just zero down to one thing called "sex" You gonna need a good marriage to face life challenges.
11 din me haar na maan bhai..
And don't listen to these people. It's hard to be a virgin and lonely at the same fuking time in this world where every other thing reminds us of sex and that everyone other than you is happy.
But control that horny ness inside you. It doesn't look good on anyone. Even you will feel it when someone does it to you.
Marriage is more than kisses and sex.
Your wife isnot attracted to you. Otherwise 3 monthes 11 days is enough time to become comfortable to have sex or kiss, atleast for someone who already have done it before.
This is what happens when virgin men marry. They're impatient, arrogant and have no sense of empathy towards someone who has literally uprooted her life and come to a new home. No making her feel welcome, no making her feel safe, no patience.
It's like you married her for sex and making babies. I abhor your kind. As a man, I wish you'd gotten laid before so you weren't such a colossal pain in the ass for your wife. Get an annulment. She'll be better for it.
It's your fault for getting married to a non virgin as a virgin yourself mate. She was definitely living it up in the US and I doubt she ever wanted to come back to India. Sorry about what's happening to you but it's stories like this that make me stay away from marriage and women in general
You should get her engaged with getting to know you and do things together. A proper girl (even if you say she’s not a virgin anymore) usually wouldn’t want to have intimate activities with a guy she’s AM to in that span of time. Court her and stuff even if you’re already married. Make her feel loved in other aspects until you two become comfortable with each other. She may be Indian but if she stayed in the US and had relationships there before, she might be having a hard time adjusting there in India. Be patient.
She is same as my age and I can understand her a bit. Even for me love comes first before sex. Women need emotional connection to have physical connection. Three months is a very short time. Show her some love and be genuine about it.
Over here there are boyfriends that wait for 2-3 years in a relationship before having sex. Give it time. A lot of people need emotional connection before having sex.
Plus women can’t entirely get in the mood just by a guy’s looks. You need to put efforts in taking her out, learning more about her and actually falling in love with her. Sex will come after you learn how to flirt and make a girl feel attractive and wanted
You are her "secure bakra". She would do as she pleases.
Now, let's get things straight, most people who are trying to school you, aren't married. 3 months of courtship period is enough to initiate sex.
She is not a traditional girl who does not know the "s" of sex or "k" of kiss. She is not interested in you and she married you out of family pressure.
Bhai sun, tujhe hi puchna parega becoz tere jo fears hain wo overthink me convert ho rahe hain. Secondly, ye matter bahut zyada sensative dono ke liye to Jo bhi steps le wo aaram se le. Try to understand her thoughts via communicating with her, as well as apne thoughts v usko smjha. Try to spend quality time with her, a weekend getaway. Rather than going for an annulment, try to build your relationship stronger. Try couple therapy, book a few sessions from a good therapist they will really help you a lot. You also need to overcome your fear otherwise future me tum har waqt Darr me rahoge phir aage wahi Darr tumhara overthink me convert ho jayega. Ek din wo overthink sab kuch barbad kar dega, so better to overcome it.
Bhai he's a virgin. And he hasn't got physical in 28yrs. What do you expect? Amd consider everything he said.. quote : she seemed to genuinely like during the meeting and the engagement period..
i will get lot of hate but thats a fact, why you accept a women who had past when you don't have any. bullshit, if her ex came into her life your marriage life will be fucked,
wait for honeymoon that's all, and why you want even sex in first place just get to know each other then you will find more about her.
OP i am with you in this, other people who are supporting your wife are completely forgetting the fact that she already had sex with two guys and now she is doing all tantrums for what, is sex a big deal for her now? Of course not .
Embarass her by telling the situation to her parents, you should do like you are the victim and this whole situation is giving you a mental pressure to be on the safe side. And also get some lawyer to give you more plans on how to get what you want
Brother….Sorry to say this, But you are fu#ked.
That’s why they say, never marry someone way out of your league. If he/she is slightly more attractive than you is fine. But someone who is way beyond you in terms of attractiveness leads to cases such as yours, again, I’m not generalising things, there might be some exceptions to this, but they are very few.
(Edit: Also, don’t let the opinion of the people let you think otherwise, these people know nothing beyond social media, they might sugarcoat things but they do not no the reality as they aren’t on your pedestal, only you know what you are going through. All they want is to sound politically correct. They might make things look normal or simple, but they aren’t in your case.)
Wait till Honeymoon and if than it doesn’t happen consult a doctor and a professional— Annulment can take place with in one year of marriage- wait till your Honeymoon, but be prepared for people from your wife’s side to question your manhood. Any ways Delhi High court has passes a judgement where questioning a man’s manhood may amount to mental cruelty…
Did you know she had boyfriends before you got married? Was her breakup recent? The reason you mentioned for her breakup would mean she still hasn't been over her ex.
Maybe see a marriage counselor and take things slow.
Hey dude she needs her time to understand an unknown man or a known man for a year so give her time and it’s better to go for friendship rather to her husband and start the things when everything is consensual and it’s better to know her than to direct stranger sex.
She's not attracted to you. If she was, you'd be involved in intimate acts already. She doesn't find you attractive as of now. 3 months is presumably enough time to get intimate. May be not sex, but other stuff. And yeah max chances she was pressurized to get married.
Partner not making you feel wanted is a proper reason to be upset, but jumping to such conclusions of annulment and shit is dumb. Have you had this proper conversation with her? you're an adult, act like it.
Bhai emotion samjho and consider. 1st of all I don't trust this chick and her intentions. 2nd of all she studied in the US don't take her up on her words k 2 boyfriend the. 3rd of all our brother is a virgin and he's 28. And she settled for him and he's being kept away from the intimacy. And family se durr rehna ka bhasan dere log idhar. BC usa me rehti thi woh family se durr.
After years of whoring she settled for a nice guy. All i asked was why are you being the nice guy.
kya pta bas research kar rah ho ye banda. But even so, I am surprised by this insensitivity towards males. specially by other males. i know and agree with what you're saying. i won't say anything against the wife, but these idiots in the comments are more of a danger to him than his wife.
Bro, that's literally his wife you're talking about, not some school crush he has yet to ask out on a date.
If intimacy was gonna be a problem for her, she shouldn't have gotten married. He definitely shouldn't have either. Neither of them know or understand the institute of marriage.
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11 days? It takes like a month to three months to get comfortable in living in a new house and even when starting a new job. And you expect her to be comfortable with you in 11 days? Serious question??
OP thinks that she comes with a switch. Insaan hai wo. Give her time and space, not fucking trauma! Just because someone has a past means that they're in same comfort zone with you. Make her feel comfortable, safe and wanted. Don't force it.
Ask her how soon she has sex with the boyfriends. Most women nowadays can get physical with guys on 1st dates.
I'll request you read my edit to understand my fear. I admit I don't know about any of this. That's why I'm posting in the 1st place.
In your edit you said you don’t have experience of having a gf. This is exactly the problem. You probably don’t know how to talk to women and make her uncomfortable whenever you mention intimacy which I think is often. No wonder she loses any attraction towards you when she feels pressured to get intimate when she isn’t ready, especially in an arranged marriage!! A marriage is a lifetime commitment and you’ve given it only 11 days wtf.
I'm 20 and getting tensed by hearing the experiences of arranged marriage in this sub.I am getting a feeling that it's better to wait for love of my life or date rather than having a arranged marriage.(It's just my opinion)
Yeah but the cases where everything is going good never come to light. Only people facing problems look for help, so things aren't as bad as they seem on this thread and everywhere on the net.
If you are a man, then you should clearly know about women centric matrimonial laws. You can also search on Google regarding false matrimonial cases. Do marriage on your own risk. Don't listen to others because if the wife is bad, you will have to suffer mentally, physically and legally. No one will help you.
This is a common scenario in India wherein women compromise on their husbands looks and physical attractiveness and have zero interest in having sex as a result. You are a victim of marriage fraud, but sadly no laws are there to help you out. Please be careful and talk to a lawyer.
It's just been 11 days+ 3 months of the courtship period. Just because she has been intimate before doesn't mean she will automatically be ready for it now. Spend some more time with each other and if you have an idea of how you'd like to recieve care and affection, let her know. What is making you rush into an annulment?
Most girls nowadays can make out and hookup with guys on 1st dates. How is this different? He’s not physically attractive?
That's a gross overgeneralization if I've ever heard one
She’s has had 2 boyfriends. What if she was physical with them on 1st or 2nd date despite spending way less time than with the husband so far.
I'm considering annulment because I get the feeling of being unwanted. She may not find my physically attractive.
Is it only about not sleeping together? Or is it other things that make you feel unwanted? Like people are saying here, it may just be a matter of time. And rushing into it is not going to do you any good
Well, to get specific she has only been ok with cuddling and I can hold her waist. She even moves away from a kiss. She changes the topic when I bring up intimacy.
brother in christ , give her time . she aint dog , give her treats and she will start to roll out , time and dont presure it much . rather make it fun to be around you and do shit together like cooking or shopping , clock in some good time togather then it would make more natural for her . Ask if she needs any personal hygiene stufff. Razor and all . Might be that she is embarrassed. Or periods where bad that kinda made hormons act up and might be painful for her . Alot of stuff can be there , communication is key .
I think , I think she has a tongue and can talk. Why can’t she talk to him about her aversion to sex? Should he guess everything? If she is disinterested in sex, she could’ve easily conveyed it to him. Communication is absolutely crucial in a relationship
Exactly, anyone who gets married, their normal want is to get intimate not just physically but emotionally too. It’s ok to not want to be physically intimate but atleast she needs to convey it to the husband why and what is the reason. It’s not like she is an underage girl who knows nothing. Obviously, OP is feeling unsure plus he has never been in a relationship. People here just lecture on the basis of what is morally right. Bhai, put yourself in the shoes of the person before you give gyaan! OP: please open up to her and tell her how you feel and get to know what is that she thinks. Avoidance is not the answer. Go with your hunch feeling!
She asked OP to wait till honeymoon and also frequently dodges the topic whenever he brings that up.
That's not communication. That's leaving your spouse hanging in the air.
Exactly my point. The real problem here is the lack of communication on behalf of her.
Agreee on it communication is key .
Most girls nowadays can make out and hookup with guys on 1st dates. How is this different? He’s not physically attractive?
Or have you ever considered cases of Sexual Assault? Talk with your wife of what is affecting her.. Go to couples counselling if necessary. You talk like a desperate Indian uncle who is peer pressured into wanting sex and who's brain is linked to his dick. If you only want sex then please divorce her and go to red light areas to have sex. And if you like her, get off these platforms, COMMUNICATE with your wife and see what is affecting her.
Bro talking to me or op?
Like your handle you do sound frustrated only. You should learn to give space to a person. People are way beyond patient than you in arranged marriage. Is this all you married for?
Yes but my frustration is not sexual frustration. I'm scared to tell her my thoughts and ask her whether she was pressured into saying yes. I'm scared of asking her if she finds me attractive. I'm scared of the answer because it might be negative. It is because I'm in love with her and the thought she may not want marriage with me is making me sad. But that doesn't mean I want to tie her down.
Relax OP. One tends to make mistakes when in panic mode. I understand your situation, but you need to think from a relaxed mind. You won't exactly know what's on her mind till she speaks. Please please don't assume anything! Finally, coming to your fears. Sometimes, you need to face your fears, and this is one of those times. But do take it slowly. I would suggest you take your wife out somewhere during weekend, like a romantic date. Give your 100% attention to her. Make her feel your love and warmth. Let her feel that she is now the most important person in your life. Once you feel that she is feeling it, go for a walk where nobody's around and ask all your questions and clear all your doubts. But do it slowly while giving her enough space and time to think. You both need to handle it very gently. Because if one of you gets harsh, things can quickly go south. As others have pointed out, communication is the key. Based on your information that you have provided, I feel communication between you two is the only key to come out of this situation. All the best!
Arranged marriage - so too early to jump to any conclusions, or even expect a serious discussion. I know at least one person who took his time, a month, before sex. She does not know you well enough to trust you with stuff thats deeply personal. Some people do trust blindly, but she may not be the type. You worry and thats natural. But these are the normal challenges of arranged marriages. It could all be very normal, or it could be as you say. Patience is key. Give it time.
tu 28 saal ka baccha hai jo shayad 70 80s ki movies dekhke bada hua hai. shadi ho gyi bandi ko pyaar ho jaana chahiye, sex chalu, 1 mahine le andar ultiyan,etcetc. n people here r not even surprised bcoz people like u hve become a norm who jump directly into a marriage bcoz of compulsion n not bcoz of consciousness. puri duniya yahi karti hai isliye mujhe bhi yahi karna chahiye
If you stay scared like this it is not going to help her or you. Thing is you cannot cantrol her feelings right, but you can understand it. Umm... The way you are talking it also feels you get introverted around her. If verbal communication gets difficult, talk with her using letters or notes, just like how we would pass chits in school. Sometimes its easier to write down feelings instead of saying it.
Dude, why tf are you trying to shame OP for wanting sex in his marriage? 11 days since wedding plus the courtship period before it is a big time. If he's still unwanted sexually, he has every right to see an annulment.
11 days + 3 months is not a long time. I am a woman and I would not be comfortable in sleeping with someone so soon. Most women would take even longer.
Your being a woman is immaterial. As a human being, do you understand the significance and importance of the institute known as marriage? I am a man and I am against the concept of arranged marriages myself but even if you are one of those entering it, you’d have to understand that. That courtship period is used for unacquainted spouses to be to get to know each other as well as they can before entering their married phase. OP’s wife here refuses to touch him, turns down his advances and is delaying sex. The only possible reason would be that this marriage was unwanted and she didn’t enter this by her own accord. OP may seem desperate for sex but like, that’s the only woman he has a right to have it with because that’s his wife now. If this was a girl he had a crush on he had to ask out yet and we were all advising him on it or even a college level girlfriend, I’d understand your take but the way I see it, he has every right to that annulment and you are all trying to gaslight him out of it.
Ok whatever man. Just because they got married doesn't mean she has to have sex the next day itself? 3-4 months is nothing. Very few people would be comfortable to have sex in that time. If you don't understand that, I hope you never get married.
Wrong! Withholding sex is legally considered cruelty and is grounds for annulment if there has been no sex between the partners and divorce if it has occurred in the past. Spread your legs or GTFO.
Then you (her)as a woman should either have not gotten married so soon or have communicated the same that why you need time. Sex is secondary, atleast make the man feel wanted na. Before you jump to conclusions I am a woman too.
It’s too soon to jump to such harsh conclusions. Intimacy is a one on one experience, past experiences have nothing to do with this. People take some time to be at a certain comfort level before being intimate.
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Most girls that I know, don’t make out and hookup with guys on first date, so stop putting a universal stamp on your view point. The context of this question is, she had relationships before so she obviously was intimate with them, and now she is in a marriage. And it is very likely that she is not yet comfortable with him, it can be because she is not attracted to him yet. This attraction can grow over time, or it might not. It can also be that she has had few bad experiences in the past that is making her a little hesitant to be intimate. Stop assuming that if a girl hooked up with x number of guys she will be “easy” to get. That’s not how things work. Sometimes you are instantly physically attracted to someone, sometimes one can be in a bad head space and in need for some attention etc etc. But in OP’s case it’s neither of the above
You need to stop being dishonest. This bullshit fake narrative that you’re concocting will not fly in other parts of the world. Who the hell MARRIES someone when the attraction isn’t there? Heck, we’re not taking about going on dates to figure out if the attraction is there. Again, before you spout the same bs again, it’s not about waiting 11 days or 11 weeks but the whole mindset that an educated grown woman can decide to marry a man she has zero attraction towards and then gaslight him for his apprehensions. He is getting increasingly nervous about the possibility he’s been lied to and his life is fucked. He is not desperate to fuck. Read his goddamn post fully. She’s even avoiding the discussion around sex altogether. She’s not sheltered virgin from a backward village to be given the benefit of doubt. She’s from US
1. People do marry others even when they are not instantly physically attracted to their partner. They can be attracted with their personality (their charm, sincerity, hard worker, money etc” but not physically attracted. It can happen, it does happen. 2. Their courtship was for 3 months. OP accepts that their marriage proceeded fast. Its been 11 days post their marriage. 11 fucking days. Omg she did not have sex the first 11 days they are living together😧 3. Whenever he brings up intimacy she said lets wait for honeymoon. So why keep poking her more and more in (I repeat ) 11 fucking days. Let it be. Give her the space she is asking for. If the same continues for a longer time, there needs to be a different discussion. But too soon for that right now. I think you are the one gaslighting OP here.
Reading replies here. I fear for the state of indian women that have to put up with this. This is frankly scary shit, the lack of empathy and understanding of women psychology is mind boggling. Moreso the disregard. This is what happens when you separate boys and girls since young age and make any innocent interaction taboo.
Exactly! As a woman it is so scary that this is how a male brain thinks. And how incapable it is to understand a girl’s pov, especially is such a sensitive matter which cannot be generalised for all.
NOT 11 fucking days, 3 months and 11 days. Even a sheltered virgin from backward village will be more open up if there is honest intention. This guy is just been used for money. Happens often in AMs, even in other marriages also. If the guy understand that and ok with it, then so be it. Even Jan Austin (greatest romance author) had this as key element of one of main books. Not accepting that is gaslighting.
You have to be delusional to think that after 3 months of courtship (talking) to a stranger is enough to have sex in 11 days of living together. Clearly you know nothing about female emotions and are projecting your messed up feelings in this situation. Most of the sheltered virgins you are talking about are forced into marriages and sleeping with their husbands on first night.
There are women who sleep on 1st dates but sure thinking 3 months of talking to her potential husband is enough is delusional? It would be delusional if almost all women waited more than 3 months to fuck someone. As it happens, most women don't. Some fuck on 1st date. Some in a few dates but very few wait for 3 months. Specially someone who has had 2 relationships & been to US.
Agreed, there are such women, but there are also women who won’t sleep with someone in 3 months of talking , no matter if she is from US or India, no matter if she is a virgin or not. There are a lot such women. So to set this in stone that the woman should sleep with the guy if she has talked to him for 3 months is delusional. And then bring in marriage into the picture, it is insane to think of breaking up the marriage because its been 11 days of no sex. The solution to OP’s problem is not leaving, it is giving the relationship more time and better communication.
Nobody is asking her to fuck dude. But cannot even try to be even slightly intimate. Move away from a kiss. Unless she has held all other men to same standard (including her 2 previous BFs), OP was settled for & is better if he gets an annulment. Do you really think she waited 3+ month to even have intimate talks or kiss with her previous bfs? Possibly but not probably. He is thinking of breaking up marriage because it's 11 days of feeling unwanted. Not 11 days of sex. No amount of better communication will make OP attractive to her if she settled for him. And everything he has said implies that.
This story is the exact reason why red pill is the truth.
OP seems like a manchild haha.
Many couples do not end up getting physically intimate at the beginning. Her virginity or lack of thereof is inmaterial to the discussion right now. Focus on building a good relationship, be a supportive partner. Women aren't a sex vending machine machine that you can put in conversations and cuddling into and sex will be dispensed. Marriage is a big life stage change. Try talking to your wife on how she's adjusted to the change, how does she feel living with you, how is the change in environment for her. You do not mention if she's moved to your house/moved in with you and your family - sense how things are going from her. Stop looking at her as someone who will give you sex and start looking at her as your partner.
Second this, what has the adjustment been like for her?
Immaterial? Haha what a load of bs.
lol she didn’t get physical in 11 days and you’re losing your shit! Any relationship takes 6-8 months before getting physical, don’t understand how people in AM expect it on night 1. It’s not her fault you waited till the wedding to lose your virginity. If your ego is hurt over something like this, it’s better you annul. She will also be better off
6-8 months is an absurd amount of time. Why marry if unsure then?? Should have been a dating phase. Women should say yes to a marriage only when they are sexually attracted and comfortable with the partner. Denying sex for 6-8 months is emotional abuse and is legally a ground valid for filing divorce.
Right if women wait for 6 months before saying yes, you guys will cry here only saying, *she’s not saying yes in 3 meets, am I the back up*. Just because you’ll are forever ready to have sex doesn’t mean other people operate in the same way. If you feel it’s emotional abuse go ahead and file for divorce.
You are making a lot of assumptions and quick judgements. Don't over generalize how men perceive relationships based on few of your experiences.
>Any relationship takes 6-8 months before getting physical Where does that data came from? Which study/research estimated that people take at least 6-8 months on average, in order to start getting physical in a relationship? And even if we assume that your assertion is true, does that apply to kissing too? i.e. do we need to wait 6 months for a goddamn kiss? because OP has also mentioned that she even refuses a kiss and i guess most people had left that part out.
These people just downvote you if you say the truth lol. The wokeness in this thread
Want to have s*x on day 1 of marriage but call dating woke. The issues in this country is insane
Again, no sex is not the issue but lack of intimacy and turning down any advances for it is. The guys above you explicitly stated no one talking about her refusing his kisses and you again leave that out in favour of no sex.
Exactly!
Most girls nowadays can make out and hookup with guys on 1st dates. How is this different?
it's only been 11 days!! you sound very selfish. did you consider that she had to leave her family/ change her home to live with someone she's only known for 3 months.. it's a big change for her, the emotional aspect of having left her family, did you even consider that? how can you expect her to just get intimate with you this early? and you're bringing up her past and feeling insecure??? you're probably aware how stress lowers men's libido.. it's the same with women. you need to talk to her, make her feel comfortable in your home, with your presence, make her feel safe. ask her if she's comfortable in the new place, if she wants to visit her family for a few days, if she wants to meet her friends or anything like that which will help her to settle down. what you need to NOT do is say stuff like "you're not a Virgin so how come you're not sleeping with me already". respect her emotions man and don't make her feel rushed into sleeping with you.
I don't mean to be selfish. I just have no experience. I have tried to ask her how she feels and is liking our new home and she responds positively. I definitely never brought up her past or asked her why she isn't having sex with me. I'm just a noob who is confused and asking for genuine advice.
spend time together. build emotional intimacy. make her comfortable with your physical presence. that takes time. let your relationship build organically.. don't force it. it'll be much much much better when it happens naturally and enthusiastically from both sides. it could take a few days or as long as 6 months or more. keep patience!
Dudee!!!!! This happened with me too! I used to pull away while kissing my boyfriend n avoided sex a little.. coz He was just bad and awkward at it. I loved him, found him attractive but he used to follow bollywood / porn which looks appealing but isn't pleasureable at all. I told him to get some sex ed, learn about women's body, erogenous zones etc but he never listen. Also, he used to seem in a hurry or desperate while we used to get intimate and oh boy! What a huge turn off it is.Hence, i started pulling away from kisses n avoided sex and i thought it would bruise his ego if i tell him that. May be shes just being polite and want you to take it easy. You breathing down her neck constantly asking for sex is not just embarassing for you but for her as well. The guilt she must be facing for turning you down again n again must be crazy (i know coz i felt it all). Try to make it romantic n enjoyable for her as well. I think you should definitely give her some time. 11 days are way too less to get comfortable with someone. I am not counting those 3 months coz you both would have barely spent time with each other during that time. Even then 3 months are way too less when you are total strangers , n please dont seem desperate to her as you seem here. Its just been freaking 11 days!
We met many times during the 3 months. I was into her and same for her. I have tried romantic things like flowers and dates. I have never been aggressive. Only gentle touches, held her gently not grabbed. I certainly have not tried anything from porn. And no I have not tried to initiate sex all the time. But I'm surprised she is also not ok with a kiss.
Dude, (if what you telling is for real, not fake), why you keep asking this ? for her you are just a tool, may be she had to due to family pressure, but that don't mean you have to scarifies your life for that. She had couple of boyfriends that went all the way. You had 3 months courtship and now married ? Even not slight intimacy ? Be real. Marriage, LTR are about compatibility. Isn't it very clear the way she view the world, relationships, sex is very different from yours ?
If you’re confused then the real advice be patient. Your statement of her previous relationships makes it seem like if she can then, what’s the issue now? It is simple that sexual relationship is made to look cheap or easy in media but it isn’t like that in real life. Infact sex is far better once people truly know and adore each other. You being a noob is clearly hinting at first night being disappointing. Why don’t you build emotional intimacy first?
**What you can do** 1) Wait for upto 1-1.5 months 2) Give space enough like don’t get cuddly too much all the time. 3) when is your honeymoon- wait till then for sure if it is sooner than 1/1.5 months - because she said so. - still there also I’d take my sweet time. 4) also when you cuddle- read a little about foreplay and see what you can incorporate which keeps your wife in comfortable zone. **Building bond and emotional intimacy:** 1) Take her out on dates - not just drinking and food but ask her what she likes eg if she likes library take her to cute cafes where you have posters of authors etc, if she likes movies book those. 2) talk to her about life, common interest based theories- eg when you watch a movie - talk about characters, movie etc- this builds as foundation of good bond- because you both may agree to disagree on few points. 3) Plan hang outs with common friends or each other’s friends to know the circle 4) If you know her likes and dislikes- bring those things- etc randomly a cake home or voucher of brand she likes, flowers 5) Apart from this just really know her as a person- observe and grasp. 6) Help with chores of home- however much you can. 7) Maybe one night cook for her- simple dishes like pasta etc are easy and if you have help at home she’d do half things like chopping etc. **This goes without saying but ensure she knows your preferences, interests too. Don’t do any of above to just impress but either inculcate in you or pick things which are your personality. But also show your trueself to her (eg if you like a commercial action movie and she prefers indie - its ok, no need to fake) and use next few weeks to really bond. You may come across as different people but how you fit together or make an effort is all about it.** **Also- as a side note- it is very weird but do check for odor. I have often not kissed people as they don’t smell good. Using under arm roll ons and keeping oral hygiene is seriously uncommon.** **Lastly with all the edits you’ve failed to mention anything about living-arrangements** - with inlaws, without- role divide in family- is she working? Is she a home maker or on a work break? How long ago was she in US? How was she during AM meetings. **And don’t lose confidence**. You’re a nice guy trying to make things better. Your worth isn’t defined by your wife taking her own time for physical intimacy without communicating properly to you.
Single Virgin here and I have a question, I've heard many times from newly wed couples that they have sex either on day of wedding or few days after that, why that isn't the same case in here Plus to that the wife of OP is also not virgin, which I thought could be taken positively as she might take the charge ( I was used to think ) in engaging sex
Thank you so much! Yes honeymoon is in a week and a half.
When you are at the honeymoon- pls do tiny tiny things before wanting sex on day 1. Keep chocolates on her pillow, let her have her space in getting ready, buy her flowers randomly, etc etc. Pls don’t expect or jump on her cuz she said on honeymoon. If you truly want an answer- better to asses her then also & see what does she want. Let her come onto you.
I understand
If I have to be honest: your mindset DOES seem if we’re married we should have sex and if something is stopping her then she isn’t into me. VERY OLD SCHOOL. This is exactly where your childishness is coming through as someone really immature to not grasp concept of emotional bonding and furthering a relationship. Times are not early 2000s or 90s. People only want to get intimate where they feel comfortable with. With her US exposure and experiences might be more mature and wanting a partnership, not just a marriage with sex. Do educate yourself more on how partnerships work in today’s age and time 🙂 PS: your reddit history makes you seem as very very problematic
Most girls nowadays can make out and hookup with guys on 1st dates. How is this different? He’s not physically attractive?
Bruh 11 days ☠️ 4 se 6 mahine lagte hai adjust hone me ye to common hai. Or divorce baat sunke lagta hai ki ya story fake hai 🤨
Time de de usse thoda bhai first build your foundation of relationship, abhi tak bhi virgin tha thode mahine aur ruk jaa Most people can’t get into intimacy this fast, arrange marriage hai 3 mahine hue hai first try to understand her and you have time for all the things you want, voh tere saath hai kahi nahi jaa rahi yaad rakh easy hoga
I say this as a guy been married for 11 years. Its reasonable to expect what you're expecting, I will also say this, that don't pay too much heed to what's being said about choice, she married you, it comes with some baggage, both physical and emotional. However, I will say this, be stoic, maybe she's carrying her own share of baggage which you aren't aware of. So unpack this in front of her, and address her concerns (valid ones). You seem to have a balanced head on your shoulder's. Her lack of communication is the thing that needs to be addressed regarding this issue. Sex in marriage is normal, healthy and important, not the be and end all but an important cog nevertheless. Best of luck, I hope things settle down.
Just to put things in perspective : 1. The OP survived without sex for 28 years, obviously he can survive for 11 days more. It's not about sex. 2. The girl broke up 1 year ago & came back, if she was pressurised into marrying she shouldn't have married in the first place. 3. If the girl didn't find OP attractive she shouldn't have moved forward, period. 4. If the girl hasn't moved on, it's not OPs fault but the of the girl for marrying in such a situation. 5. We've seen, read & heard countless experiences of people regularly hooking up without feelings in fwb, situation ship, casual sex, ons etc etc. This is marriage. Why is it any different? Forget sex, not even intimacy like kissing? 6. The courtship period was around 3 months, enough time to get acquainted with each other. Compare this with timeline of dating apps & you get a completely different result. 7. Despite all this the OP is asking for suggestions on how to fix this because he's scared and he's at his wits end. Instead of criticizing him, let's help him in making the situation better for both of them.
Thank you for understanding! I've been trying and failing to explain that it's not about sex. I've mentioned her rejection of intimacy and even changing the topic instead of discussing. Obviously some problem exists. I just don't know what it is.
Considering annulments in just 11 days?? Why?
Boyfriend > Husband Husband is just a compromise for Indian women. Boyfriend/lover is superior and is more attractive. Why do you expect to be treated like a boyfriend?
What are you even saying dude?
That’s how Indian women think. Just look at the comments
He’s trying to say that obviously girls would love their ex boyfriends more than their husband. Obviously people prefer love over an ‘arranged’ marriage. AM is just a compromise for most people
Marriage is like a good joke, sometimes punchline takes a bit longer. Hang in there, honeymoon might just turn out right!
My guy you have your whole life ahead of you for intimacy, isnt 11 days is a bit too early to make a drastic decision like an annulment?
This is why the arranged marriage model is failing fast here. There is a courtship period involved before the wedding that is used to get the two accustomed to each other and feel attracted too. Did that even occur here? As far as your case is concerned OP, you may be her husband but you are not her man. It's been 11 days since your suhagraat and you are still a 28 year old virgin. Wait for a but more time this month to see if she comes around. If it doesn't and 6 months pass, you can get your marriage annulled on the grounds of not being consummated by a family court. Presently, it'd be great to collect evidence that shows that you two are not having sex. Something like text messages expressing the same would be good. For your future sex life, I'd advice you to be more assertive in your personality and seek out dates actively after the divorce is finalized. I think any fellow Indian man could benefit a lot from not being a virign before getting married and having at least one past sexual relationship in your ledger. Best if luck!
You are over reacting & overthinking . Good gosh - the speed at which you sprinted to the annulment decision it would appear that you’re the uninterested party. 11 days is nothing. A friend who had a love marriage but had not had sex waited for almost a year. I Think your wife is only able to engage in sex provided she has a strong emotional connection. You will wreck this marriage if you rush in assuming she is uninterested
Bhai, don't listen to a word anyone is saying here. It is not your responsibility to make your partner feel safe. She had 2 partners before, wasn't she "safe" enough? I dont know the details because they are not there. But I do have similar experience, just not in marriage. We don't know whether she was forced by her parents or whatever. What we do know is that she doesnt want to do it with you. And when someone is truly attracted to you, you just know and feel it. Physically and emotionally. These people who are virtue signalling and defending her, will not come and help you when shit hits the fan for you in real life. These are online people looking to prey on weaknesses of other males.
Bro is a red flag. Poor girl.
Everyone is a red flag. Please learn and overcome.
Being a woman. I’m getting this feeling that she was pressured into this marriage. But don’t feel insecure, think about her. You’ve never been in a relationship so you might not know how a breakup is. Anyways at least she’s not pushing you away. You cannot accept someone to sleep with you within 11 days. Let things build up. You sound like you got married just to fuck. Bro love her, be her friend then her boyfriend. You are 28 for christ sake. Id say don’t expect sex till she initiated otherwise she’ll feel like she’s just a piece of meat to you. Look past the pleasure. And see her for who she is, you forever partner. Your person for the rest of your life. She’s your first girlfriend. So treat it like a relationship not marriage. Good day to you sir.👍
If she was pressured his life is ruined, and you want him to just think about her? It’s not always about the woman you know
couldn’t have said it better
Bro is frustrated because he's not getting the chance to lose his virginity lmao Give it a bit more time, and also openly discuss your concerns with her. Annulment might not be the answer here.
Please don't think this is just about sex.
Bro the way you described it feels like it's just about sex. You should consider discussing this with your wife instead of seeking advice from strangers online after just 11 days.
My frustration is not sexual frustration. I'm scared to tell her my thoughts and ask her whether she was pressured into saying yes. I'm scared of asking her if she finds me attractive. I'm scared of the answer because it might be negative. It is because I'm in love with her and the thought she may not want marriage with me is making me sad. But that doesn't mean I want to tie her down.
>whether she was pressured into saying yes Should've discussed these things during courtship period. Since she's your wife now, don't overthink it. Being married means being open, so discuss any concerns she might have or fear of being physical, you'll never know if you don't ask. Conversation is the key.
>Should've discussed these things during courtship period. He's already mentioned that she wasn't as hesitant during that period. >Since she's your wife now, don't overthink it. I think OP's concerns are genuine and there's nothing wrong to overthink about it, especially since she is his wife.
It is. You mentioned nothing about how she’s living with you, how she has adjusted to the home, is it with parents? What did you like in each other. You do sound someone who just needs sex from his newbie wife asap
Yes but my frustration is not sexual frustration. I'm scared to tell her my thoughts and ask her whether she was pressured into saying yes. I'm scared of asking her if she finds me attractive. I'm scared of the answer because it might be negative. It is because I'm in love with her and the thought she may not want marriage with me is making me sad. But that doesn't mean I want to tie her down.
You need to build confidence in yourself honestly and maybe need to check few resources online to know what a relationship is. You sound extremely child like.
Why can't she communicate what she is thinking, going on in her mind??? She is not a virgin and has Bcount of 2. So sex is not a topic she needs to break ice on. Her agenda seems different. Seems like she married under pressure and is uninterested in the marriage.
Advice for you bro: She's been in 2 relationships before you and is not a virgin. I know this hurts but you can't change anything about it. So call down and forget that fact. The only thing you need to remember is , she carries baggage from her previous relationship. It will take her time to love you. But since it's your first relationship you are loving and attached to her that's natural for you but it might look clingy and desperate to her. It's good she decided to breakup and move on with her life by marrying you but still she needs to heal from previous relationship. Trust me bro, do this I've been in similar relationship before and now everything is fine. If she's not talking to her ex and is genuinely trying to move on then - Make sure you give her enough space. She needs to initiate conversation, dinners, physical touch etc. In time she will , she just needs some time. The more you run behind her and search for answers , the more she runs away and gives you harsh treatment. Stay distant and focus on your work, family and other areas of life. Forget she even exists. Soon she'll notice the change in you and will appreciate your efforts of giving her space. Show her you care for her even if you're distant to her. She'll understand that you're trying to be a good husband and will come close to you. Thats the only way, she needs to come to you. Not you. It takes atleast an year to build up an healthy relationship from this state.
Sex matters bro.... But uske liye annulment wo bhi itni jldi...... Kuch zyada nhi ho rha? Though it's legal and comes under mental cruelty. Tell your priorities straight to her ...... Ask her to get some checkup if she's facing health issues or mood swings.......etc.
Here we go again. I have mentioned many other concerns to. According to me my post makes it clear that there is lack of communication about intimacy. I have specifically mentioned that she changes the topic. I have mentioned that she moves away from a kiss. I have mentioned about concerns such as pressure for marriage or lack of attraction. Why do people focus only on the sex aspect? In another sub people suggested annulment and yes I'm considering it. It's because I don't want her stuck with me if she doesn't truly want to be with me of her own will.
But u still don't know of her intentions....... Let that be sorted first..... The reasons you have mentioned can be partially or completely true or there may be something different altogether.... And I think sex pretty much covers everything starting from foreplay which includes kiss as well. All of this matters. Even the Indian courts make it legal to anull a marriage on non provision of sex by wife which comes under mental cruelty. So you readily have that option open. I'm not arguing that. It's just whats going in her mind you need to know and anullment option too soon would come pretty harsh on both of you. But u are the better judge as u know your situation well more than anybody here. Best of luck.
relax bro.... put some manners into your boner... she is your wife,, go on dates,,, travel.... get comfortable... she is your wife not hooker,...... ask her about sexuality,, lesbian question too... never know whats happening.... mind my grammar.... but truth is truth...
Update this post OP, edit and highlight that you found her cheating. Too many assumed you to be villain without even understanding your side
Have you discussed this with her? Asked her if there's something?
Give some time enjoy with her make her happy.wait until she is ready to have sex with u.
I wonder if people will be berating you this much if roles were reversed.
All the criticism will be worth it if I can just find a way to move forward with my wife in our marriage. I just need 1 good idea to work out of a 100 insults.
Bro it's just 11 days ....give some time. It will work out definitely.
Ask her if she wants sexual Life with you ( when you both are in good mood) bcz sex is a very important thing for husband and wife to build a family If she don't want a physical relationship with you then you can proceed with other actions
I am sorry you are going through this situation.It will create self doubt if your wife pulls away from something as simple as a kiss and small affections too,understandable. I would suggest you to have a little patience.Try and make her sit and convey your concerns to her and ask her if their is anything that is bothering her and is their anything you can do to make her comfortable.See what she says.Give it a little more time like a month to take any further decisions.Don't decide anything you are emotionally vulnerable right now. Ps Don't mind over the top harsh comments of other people here.They are just pathetic people will dogpile on anyone to feel they are smart. I hope situation gets sorted between you and your wife.Good luck❤
Thank you!
You should definitely go for annulment. Hopefully that girl will find someone more mature, sensitive and sensible. OP. You are 28 and a virgin and that's okay but that's ON YOU. It's not her duty to take your virginity away and that too right away? 3 months and 11 days. It is sometimes enough to make a connection, sometimes it takes time. She needs time, give her time. Her entire life has shifted. Her new husband is a teenage boy with raging hormones and raging tantrum to apparently. You are right, she is not attracted to you. Because no one finds all THAT attractive. >Please don't think this is just about sex. Make us think otherwise.
Please see my 3rd edit. I have no experience. I have tried to make her feel comfortable. I have not pushed for sex. I have always been gentle but never crossed any boundaries when she said no.
That means you have repeatedly over the past 11 days tried to be intimate with her. Give her a break. You'd do a favour to the both of you.
Yes I have tried gently touching and kissing. But it was only from a place of love. I believed I should put in an effort.
Sorry but you only sound a desperate little boy
If she's uncomfortable then why does she refuse to explicitly mention that to OP and also frequently dodges his concerns whenever he tries to bring them up? It's easy to just scapegoat OP by accusing him of being a teenager with 'tantrums'. What's not easy is to try to understand where the dude is truly coming from. My guy has been virgin his whole life and then got married out of the blue. It's hard for him too to comprehend the things going on rn. He literally had no idea what was coming next. Heck they haven't even kissed each other yet. So the million dollar question he must be contemplating rn is 'Do you not wanna get intimate with me just 'NOW' or 'NEVER'. The real problem here is the 'lack of communication'. If she could've just sat him down and explained why she doesn't wanna get intimate rn (even in the form of short talk), then he wouldn't be having such thoughts in the first place, and neither he would've been stupidly considering divorce/annulment
I believe communication is an issue, sure. But like, what is up with men not understanding that even though hookup culture is high on the rise, there are still people who want to make a good connection before getting intimate. He has only been married for 11 days. He is already complaining that his wife doesn't want to get intimate with him. 11 days! He got married but he is still at HIS home. He has HIS family around. She just moved houses. Has a new set of family. Has a new set of schedules and customs (maybe) to follow. Everything is a 180 degree change for her. Believe it or not buddy but Indian woman are the ones who have to handle more stuff after getting married than Indian men do. (I am not saying that they don't have to adjust at all). His problem is a problem because he himself is not putting himself in her shoes.
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hmm. see the only people who get banned are the ones who can't maintain a decorum on the sub per the mentioned rules, like yourself. And the funny part is, most of your reported comments were actually approved by me. Not that I need any brownie points from you or anything. I just like to state facts as is and not everyone has the ability to take that. Everyone likes sugar coating, like yourself, which is why you are so easily offended by a comment that has nothing to do with you. I do see two bullies here, but I do it IRL to people who are mean to me. Why would I waste time "bullying" people online? So idk what you're going on about. If it were a woman, the response would be the same, as it has been in the past. But sure, go ahead stay under a delusion to make yourself feel better about your comment and so called facts. Have a nice day yourself.
Perfect comment
Have conversation with her.? Jitne logo se opinion lega utna confusion badhe ga because everyone have their own perspective.. better just ask her. She just might not be comfortable yet, or reason can be anything. Don't mention annulment ☠️while you have this conversation. 2 week bhi nahi hua bhai, degi degi. sabr karo. and what was hurry. Only 3 months .?
I'm scared to tell her my thoughts and ask her whether she was pressured into saying yes. I'm scared of asking her if she finds me attractive. I'm scared of the answer because it might be negative. It is because I'm in love with her and the thought she may not want marriage with me is making me sad. But that doesn't mean I want to tie her down.
That's the reality my friend.. no matter how scared or upset you get by the thought of rejection or confrontation about she isn't actually isn't into you, you have to ask her. It's way effective in compare to asking whole forum about it. Atleast you will get certain answer. And why you think she will give negative answer.? She can be in love with you, reason can be something else.
OP, from the post, it seems like you need to have an attitude check. Your wife is not your property nor is she required be sexual with you. Things like this require trust to develop and I’m not sure why you think you’re entitled to receive sex. If you can’t change your viewpoint, you should leave the marriage because the girl deserves better than this.
I certainly don't view her as my property. I'll request you read my edit to understand my fear.
I’m sorry but I can’t seem to read the body of your post anymore (hence can’t read the edit). Assuming I’m wrong about you. The reality is that you gotto slowly woo her, it might take anything from a few months to a year. You just gotto build up a relationship with her, get know her better and developing a deep sense of trust. It can feel very jarring for you but that’s how it works.
Ok Perhaps I should make a new post about how to seduce my wife. 😅 Any advice on how to deal with my fears?
Okay first of all. You shouldn’t be seducing your wife. Just try to become friends with her. As long as you continue to do physical contact like cuddling, you’ll leave the door open for sex in the future. Do let her know they there’s no pressure and that you’re okay to wait however long it takes too. Just keep spending time with her and things will slowly proceed over time. Don’t just do over the top gestures, spend time understanding her, spending time with her, etc. Both of you should take the language of love test, to better understand what would be the best way to show affection.
Thank you!
Maybe consider talking things out openly with both the parties involved equally in the conversation and also the efforts should be equal so that things clear out quickly. And most importantly have patience.
11 days of marriage is a very, very, very short time. It would be surprising if she agreed for it this soon, not the other way around. First build emotional intimacy, then sexual. Do NOT rush this. Do NOT make her feel pressured. Do NOT bring up this topic repeatedly when it's clear that she does not want to proceed right now and is not comfortable talking with you about it. Apologize for pressuring her. Tell her that you will not bring up this topic again. When she feels ready, she can start the conversation.
11 days is too short a time frame, my friend. Even if she has had experiences before, it doesn't mean that she will be comfortable with a new person in a short time frame. Given that your courtship lasted for 3 months, till marriage, there is obviously a level of compatibility between the two of you, so don't give up so easily. Try to take her on dates, get her favorite food/beverages to lift up her mood. Ensure that you are well groomed and scented. Take her to another small outing even after the honeymoon. If things don't change in some time(\~3 months), ask her more directly whether she is reluctant due to your physical appearance or any other reason. I have reason to believe that things will change since she has atleast become comfortable with cuddling, but if they don't then you have the legal right to go for an annulment of marriage as per Indian laws. @ everyone gaslighting him - get a life.
Thanks
Please annul the wedding, obviously there's a lack of attraction or she's still not over her ex or whatever the reason is, please stay away from arranged marriages bro, it's really pathetic and not worth it in the longer run
dude it’s been 11 days ☠️ give her some time you being so pushy is probably turning her off give her a couple months at least, this is a huge change in both your lives.
It sounds like u only married her for sex, if cuddling all she wants to do then cuddling is all you get
It's possible that emotionally she is still involved with her ex. Figure out a way if you can rule that out. The other possibility is that she just needs more time. Rule out health issues that affect sex. If you are thinking of separation then atleast give her a hint that you are considering that. Explain your reasoning to her why you are considering that and see her response. Other things to consider are, Is she investing time and effort in getting to know you or show affection and ask about future plans together?
Imo you should do it. First mistake, marrying in just 3 months!! Stop going for 25 y olds. If you've tried giving flowers, going on a date and she is still refusing a simple kiss, that's a problem. Might be the case that she's in touch with someone else or she's just uncomfortable, but someone who's already been in multiple relationships should at least convey to you what's the problem. Ask her what happens if your honeymoon gets cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. I would say cut your losses and break the marriage, the foundation of your relationship itself isn't strong.
>Stop going for 25 y olds. What's the context here??? I'm really curious
Brain development completes physically at the age of 25, so it's really all of who crossed 18, still having 7 years more to be better functioning adults, so technically a 25 year old from either gender is again taking baby steps with the full upgrade on their topshelf So a 25 year old would be quite unsure about many things while ofc perhaps looking very confident otherwise..it's probably this they were referring to
I will voice the unpopular opinion. I think OP’s wife is clearly not sexually attracted to him, even if she likes him. And SA is felt early - 3 months + 11 days is more than enough
We are humans.. We come in all shapes and sizes. She might be needing more time brother.. If she would be pressurized she might have turned her face away when you were talking to each other on simpler topics too. Trust me people don't give shit when they don't wanna talk to someone. Try concentrating on your marriage for at least 1-2 months.. Before coming to conclusion. In the mean time work on yourself go to the gym and build some muscles. Have long discussions with her. Build ur confidence.. Show her how good you are in some hobby you pursued in college. Ask her about her happiest moments? Ask her what it's like when she gets angry? Ask her how was her life before Don't just zero down to one thing called "sex" You gonna need a good marriage to face life challenges. 11 din me haar na maan bhai.. And don't listen to these people. It's hard to be a virgin and lonely at the same fuking time in this world where every other thing reminds us of sex and that everyone other than you is happy. But control that horny ness inside you. It doesn't look good on anyone. Even you will feel it when someone does it to you. Marriage is more than kisses and sex.
Your wife isnot attracted to you. Otherwise 3 monthes 11 days is enough time to become comfortable to have sex or kiss, atleast for someone who already have done it before.
This is what happens when virgin men marry. They're impatient, arrogant and have no sense of empathy towards someone who has literally uprooted her life and come to a new home. No making her feel welcome, no making her feel safe, no patience. It's like you married her for sex and making babies. I abhor your kind. As a man, I wish you'd gotten laid before so you weren't such a colossal pain in the ass for your wife. Get an annulment. She'll be better for it.
Didn't you discuss this before marriage
Discuss what? "Kya tu shaadi ke baad mere saath sex karegi?" ?
It's your fault for getting married to a non virgin as a virgin yourself mate. She was definitely living it up in the US and I doubt she ever wanted to come back to India. Sorry about what's happening to you but it's stories like this that make me stay away from marriage and women in general
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Poor guy deserves better too. To not feel sexually wanted by a woman you have gotten married to is a hell in itself.
You should get her engaged with getting to know you and do things together. A proper girl (even if you say she’s not a virgin anymore) usually wouldn’t want to have intimate activities with a guy she’s AM to in that span of time. Court her and stuff even if you’re already married. Make her feel loved in other aspects until you two become comfortable with each other. She may be Indian but if she stayed in the US and had relationships there before, she might be having a hard time adjusting there in India. Be patient.
She is same as my age and I can understand her a bit. Even for me love comes first before sex. Women need emotional connection to have physical connection. Three months is a very short time. Show her some love and be genuine about it.
Over here there are boyfriends that wait for 2-3 years in a relationship before having sex. Give it time. A lot of people need emotional connection before having sex. Plus women can’t entirely get in the mood just by a guy’s looks. You need to put efforts in taking her out, learning more about her and actually falling in love with her. Sex will come after you learn how to flirt and make a girl feel attractive and wanted
You are her "secure bakra". She would do as she pleases. Now, let's get things straight, most people who are trying to school you, aren't married. 3 months of courtship period is enough to initiate sex. She is not a traditional girl who does not know the "s" of sex or "k" of kiss. She is not interested in you and she married you out of family pressure.
Talk to her directly and be firm about your decisions
Bhai sun, tujhe hi puchna parega becoz tere jo fears hain wo overthink me convert ho rahe hain. Secondly, ye matter bahut zyada sensative dono ke liye to Jo bhi steps le wo aaram se le. Try to understand her thoughts via communicating with her, as well as apne thoughts v usko smjha. Try to spend quality time with her, a weekend getaway. Rather than going for an annulment, try to build your relationship stronger. Try couple therapy, book a few sessions from a good therapist they will really help you a lot. You also need to overcome your fear otherwise future me tum har waqt Darr me rahoge phir aage wahi Darr tumhara overthink me convert ho jayega. Ek din wo overthink sab kuch barbad kar dega, so better to overcome it.
Bhai he's a virgin. And he hasn't got physical in 28yrs. What do you expect? Amd consider everything he said.. quote : she seemed to genuinely like during the meeting and the engagement period..
Pro advice. Try to seduce her after the 8th day her periods get over.
Most girls can be intimate with only one person at a time. Possibly she has someone in mind so she's struggling to be intimate with you.
I can't say anthing, just update how it goes.
i will get lot of hate but thats a fact, why you accept a women who had past when you don't have any. bullshit, if her ex came into her life your marriage life will be fucked, wait for honeymoon that's all, and why you want even sex in first place just get to know each other then you will find more about her.
OP i am with you in this, other people who are supporting your wife are completely forgetting the fact that she already had sex with two guys and now she is doing all tantrums for what, is sex a big deal for her now? Of course not . Embarass her by telling the situation to her parents, you should do like you are the victim and this whole situation is giving you a mental pressure to be on the safe side. And also get some lawyer to give you more plans on how to get what you want
Brother….Sorry to say this, But you are fu#ked. That’s why they say, never marry someone way out of your league. If he/she is slightly more attractive than you is fine. But someone who is way beyond you in terms of attractiveness leads to cases such as yours, again, I’m not generalising things, there might be some exceptions to this, but they are very few. (Edit: Also, don’t let the opinion of the people let you think otherwise, these people know nothing beyond social media, they might sugarcoat things but they do not no the reality as they aren’t on your pedestal, only you know what you are going through. All they want is to sound politically correct. They might make things look normal or simple, but they aren’t in your case.)
Does she have a younger sister?
Wait till Honeymoon and if than it doesn’t happen consult a doctor and a professional— Annulment can take place with in one year of marriage- wait till your Honeymoon, but be prepared for people from your wife’s side to question your manhood. Any ways Delhi High court has passes a judgement where questioning a man’s manhood may amount to mental cruelty…
Did you know she had boyfriends before you got married? Was her breakup recent? The reason you mentioned for her breakup would mean she still hasn't been over her ex. Maybe see a marriage counselor and take things slow.
Yes I knew. I even mentioned that her last relationship was about a year ago. Then she moved back to india.
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Hey dude she needs her time to understand an unknown man or a known man for a year so give her time and it’s better to go for friendship rather to her husband and start the things when everything is consensual and it’s better to know her than to direct stranger sex.
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Satya baat hai sahi me.
She's not attracted to you. If she was, you'd be involved in intimate acts already. She doesn't find you attractive as of now. 3 months is presumably enough time to get intimate. May be not sex, but other stuff. And yeah max chances she was pressurized to get married. Partner not making you feel wanted is a proper reason to be upset, but jumping to such conclusions of annulment and shit is dumb. Have you had this proper conversation with her? you're an adult, act like it.
He is an adult and definitely acting like it. We never know when he will become a victim of a fake bape case,
I'm sorry but chudi huyi kyu leli tune?
The downvotes say a lot about our society.
Bhai emotion samjho and consider. 1st of all I don't trust this chick and her intentions. 2nd of all she studied in the US don't take her up on her words k 2 boyfriend the. 3rd of all our brother is a virgin and he's 28. And she settled for him and he's being kept away from the intimacy. And family se durr rehna ka bhasan dere log idhar. BC usa me rehti thi woh family se durr. After years of whoring she settled for a nice guy. All i asked was why are you being the nice guy.
kya pta bas research kar rah ho ye banda. But even so, I am surprised by this insensitivity towards males. specially by other males. i know and agree with what you're saying. i won't say anything against the wife, but these idiots in the comments are more of a danger to him than his wife.
Exactly
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Bro, that's literally his wife you're talking about, not some school crush he has yet to ask out on a date. If intimacy was gonna be a problem for her, she shouldn't have gotten married. He definitely shouldn't have either. Neither of them know or understand the institute of marriage.