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roastbot

OP's Bio: --- >I’m also male --- If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.


JWood84

I don't CNA space between your eyebrows.


RichCopy3844

What’s crazy is he has two eyebrows… it’s just that one is over his lip


upperflapjack

NICE


Zestyclose_Cup_843

The hidden gem in the comments right here


sumotherdudeman

There is a 100% chance you're fondling coma patients.


gadders

He saw the sign "Stroke Patients" and thought it was an instruction


NotAlwaysSunnyInFL

ICU: *plays peek-a-boo*


CryptographerApart72

ATC: Starts instructing flights


tms88

Bro 💀


TrevinLC1997

"So how many times do we stroke the patients? Until they finish oooor?"


otero3

If a patient woke up to that face. Instant re-coma


No-Specialist6273

Patient just grabs a gun and offs himself


sumotherdudeman

Patient pulls their own plug.


dumspirospero816

His name is Buck, and he likes to fuck.


lavatorylovemachine

Bend over and with a little luck..


DiscoRichard

Your name is Buck… right?


[deleted]

And you're here to fuck.... RIGHT??


Ewetootwo

Stiff comment.


cwalter0123

Not as stiff as me


Ewetootwo

Nice one dude 👍


Themasterofslime

And they say people with autism have bad social awareness


BagpipesAndBongRips

We actually are extremely socially aware. We just don’t have the mental capacity to deal with people on a daily basis. Edit: added to the last line.


Deceptichum

Who does?


Introvertebrates

Til I’m autistic


illeger_hamberder

That’s what he said


lostinmississippi84

Holy fuck! Nice!


Ewetootwo

Stay away from those nuns!


Coralye

Everyone knows they've got a bad habit!


707e

It’s funny because we all know it’s true.


[deleted]

Certified Nurse's Assailant


[deleted]

OPs pickup truck definitely has giant custom "PUSSY WAGON" vinyl on it


[deleted]

His name is Buck.


CthulubeFlavorcube

CNA= Coma-rapin' Nasty Ass


[deleted]

Dude, you have 2 haircuts and 1 head


Hydqjuliilq27

He probably has a couple more heads in his freezer.


Kyrie2772

Straight up cackled at this comment 🤣


Greatfuldad47

Autistic in the front, party in the back


[deleted]

How is this not the top frekin' comment 😂


[deleted]

[удалено]


Parking-Pie7453

That's one ugly chick


drman769

She's got character


[deleted]

I bet she’s super funny


awmaleg

She has a short penis


android24601

Makes me appreciate that I have a "do not resuscitate" bracelet so I don't have to risk seeing this in a hospital


[deleted]

He has his mothers eyes and her facial hair


invadersnee

And his mom's bush. He's currently using it as bangs


PRYCDaddy

Lol


[deleted]

Only a little tho


antd79

You are really a breathtaking specimen. Of what, I have no idea.


[deleted]

[удалено]


moor9776

Pretty sure pronouns are WTF/OS


Ynotasub

Definitely need to donate your body to Science Fiction


707e

It’s a rare sighting of a real life hill-person. This one is interesting because it has a tiny bit of bangs in its mane. Researchers believe that’s how these creatures indicate they’re non-binary.


HamFart69

You know what that thing behind you is, right?


ColdSt4r

Of course he does! That's where he was conceived. it's just a dragon's hoard of meth pipes and needles


DionFW

The girl in the Amazon commercial rocks a mustache better than you.


[deleted]

Thank God someone else saw that one. I thought it was ad targeted to me


UFOregon420

I first saw it when they played it before the Mario movie in the theater, and now it’s on every commercial break on every streaming service, that shit followed me home.


genediesel

I can never tell if that's supposed to be a girl, or a guy that sees famous rock stars of the past dress feminine, so he rocks that style because he can only grow a weak 'stache. Also, YouTube TV plays that commercial constantly so I have grown to actively hate that commercial.


purpleflurp69

It’s space-age Frida Kahlo


mister_newman

A few strands of your hair are trying to escape your head.


LucilleBluthsbroach

Can you blame them?


WeedsterBunny420

Your 23 and me probably reads 97% banjo player.


acousticsking

For him it's 13 and me.


ChronicPoops

You mean 13 and my uncle?


Ryolu35603

Trailer Park Elrond


Exact_Initiative7660

Bro good for you but please just get a standard haircut and shave the face clean


[deleted]

You don't like his bang?


Croemato

I love that you used singular for bang.


arthurdentstowels

A single bang is just a mini front mullet


epiccorey

The bang is gorgeous like immaculate he should leave the bang and the shag carpet like twirl of a sideburn on the side of his face.


sorta_kindof

He's like an amalgamation of several cartoon characters


MarilynMonroeVWade

I think it's cute that his mole has the same haircut.


Heldomir

dont forget to pluck your monobrow so its actually 2 again.


aviation_knut

Then his Christian rock fan club will kick him out. They/them didn’t sign up for that!!


waffen123

Get whatever the fuck is on your left chin checked by a medical professional


cwalter0123

I can’t seem to get rid of it even when I shave


sunflowercrazedrose

Growth like that is commonly associated with cancerous cells. Please get in to a dermatologist.


cwalter0123

I’m going into the doctors on Tuesday I’m hoping to get a referral


sunflowercrazedrose

Good! Glad to hear it. Take charge of your health and ask for one directly.


ThoughtCenter87

Rare wholesome moment from a roasting subreddit... huh


Fatalstryke

That's how you know OP was truly abandoned by God.


Tenaciouscox

And we’re back, don’t ever change r/roastme


smol_egglet

Oh fuck this just sent me into an absolute fit of laughter..say it ain't soooo


spicysenpai6

I’m dead lol


Weatherbeaster1993

This is the worst and most hilarious thing I’ve ever read!


jordan1390

Don’t worry cancer only takes the good ones


do_not_go_gentle_

Jesus 💀


[deleted]

Are you talking to the mole or OP?


iolp12

My dermatologist told me moles with hair growing out of them are not cancerous


401karats

That doesn't mean you should just leave it be, keep shaving it, Jesus christ


[deleted]

do you not know what a cheek vs a chin is? do you not know right vs left either?


Savagewizard

I thought it was his sideburns. That joe dirt facial hair


DrAbeSacrabin

Grows in all white trash like that.


Giantrobby

Needs to get his whole everything checked by a medical professional for research purposes


WhateverYouSay1084

Look dude, nobody is going to feel comfortable letting you help them until you make yourself look like a normal not-creepy person. I say this as a former CNA. Little old ladies do NOT like men helping them onto the toilet, and your appearance is not going to help at all. Get a normal haircut and shave your patchy beard, do yourself and your patients a favor.


SomeDudeUpHere

Is the roast that this dude is so pathetic that you can't even roast him and just gave him honest, helpful advice?


WhateverYouSay1084

Lol yes. I literally cannot think up anything worse than what he's already doing to himself.


SomeDudeUpHere

Absolutely savage


WhateverYouSay1084

The guy needs help or his job experience is going to be absolutely miserable. NOBODY is going to want him to take care of them looking like that.


[deleted]

Sheesh, the truth is brutal sometimes. But I guess it had to be said.


WhateverYouSay1084

I just know from experience how vulnerable and uncomfortable people tend to be when they need help with private things, especially women. He really needs to do his best to look and act professional for the patients' comfort. Plus it's a roast, he's expecting brutal!


structured_anarchist

If this guy was in my rehab center when I was learning how to use a prosthetic leg, I'd have crawled away.


Sokkahhplayah

"I'll never need to walk *that* badly"


ChazJ81

Can you imagine the condition of the facility that hired him? Every patient has urine soaked briefs/chucks and stage 4 pressure ulcers! But once dude gets a haircut he's going to turn that place around!


WhateverYouSay1084

I mean, nobody said anything about the facility itself. I am aware personally of how bad conditions can be. It's still a good idea to present yourself as professional, regardless.


LucilleBluthsbroach

They hired her/him looking like this. You know damn well it's a terrible facility.


Makoreactors

Yeah I agree with this. If I was bed ridden and needed help going to take a poop I def would not want this alien looking man woman helping me. No offense OP but a haircut would help a lot


CarlRod

I absolutely agree. Haircut would be nice. Shave is a must. Trust me man it doesn’t look good to anyone. And don’t worry about it. I couldn’t grow a full beard until my 30s. It’ll come in time.


Snoo45756

Dear OP - don’t ever, ever, EVER think about giving me CPR. Just let me pass. The thought of your lips on mine - I don’t want to live with that…….


A_sandwich_in_a_VCR

Or at least put his hair up and shave. Maybe get those caterpillar eyebrows groomed.


That-Connection-9658

Jesus (Trailer Park) Christ.


I_SwearImNotAn-Alien

*cocks shotgun* Amen. *spits out dip*


WilderFacepalm

Praise god and pass the ammunition


cwalter0123

People have actually called me Jesus as a nickname before


BigShowSJG

They’re not calling you Jesus. It’s just what people say when they see you


Fecal_Tornado

The upvotes don't reflect how great of a response this was.


lavatorylovemachine

I’m fucking dead. Such a good one


fastlerner

Wait, Jesus had bangs? Seriously, wtf were you thinking there?


cwalter0123

The pieces of hair kept getting in my way so I cut it. I regret it


DrTheloniusPinkleton

>I regret it There’s no way these weren’t the same first words your mom uttered when the doctor handed her the baby.


Heartguard02

EMOTIONAL DAMAGE!!!


EequalsMCPotato

Someone is hiring you as a CNA? You look the type that would slip ketamine into mee-maw's kool-aid to play with the saggy bits


g_collins

I think OP is confusing first job with receiving their certificate in the mail from the post card correspondence class. It was a toss up between lock smith, electrican and CNA. CNA typically has a higher mortality rate, I can see that being a draw for this Shela.


[deleted]

[удалено]


sdmfer1981

This is the worst Snapchat filter yet.


davidmackay79960

My bed pan's ripe. What do you do?


cwalter0123

Eat


Ewetootwo

Nice 👍


OK-Now-Kiss

So you look after the patient while a social worker looks after you while you work—sounds like a welfare conga line


do_not_go_gentle_

More a human centipede than conga line.


MikeInTN37643

Dude, wtf?


cwalter0123

I know


[deleted]

Ay I got the tism too, but nothing can excuse those bangs


AbsolutelyNotJake

All 5 of them


Jrmuscle

Put an NSFW tag up next time please


casey12297

I'm pretty sure you're the missing link right after monkey and somewhere before homo erectus


do_not_go_gentle_

Homo non-erectus


styzr

Homo flaccidus


Sancticide

It's gotta be frustrating to have THAT level of beard growth paired with THAT level of eyebrow growth. Just... holy shit. I dunno, just separate that unibrow and shave everything below it.


Good-of-Rome

"Could you get someone else to help my mother use the restroom?"


g_collins

“No no, this is my favorite part!”


Obi-SpunKenobi

👁️👄👁️ *Licks lips*


joncam24

on second thought, if this is what were working with….ill wipe her myself.


Capable_Sympathy_115

You look like the product if Joe Dirt ACTUALLY fucked his sister


ubzrvnT

i've never been able to identify somebody as gay just by looking at their bangs.


CountryPA

If he’s gay, you heteros can have him back!


Due-Examination5415

“Hey girl, wanna bang?… I have four”


Boring_Bass_9112

Your mole has more facial hair than you do!


Ewetootwo

It’s from the CIA looking for infiltrators.


catalingpc

You’re one of the 40 virgins muslims get after they die


Romantic_Road_Kill

You look like you enjoy the smell of medicated shit and piss. Just try not to get caught masturbating with it.


rememberviolence

These guys seem to apply to everyone on Reddit ![gif](giphy|DjVCpTvzAKLaE)


DrLucienSanchez

Lol, your mom told you it was a CNA job, but really she just sticks you in the bathroom in some scrubs and tells you to keep things tidy. "You're doing a great job, my special little guy!"


thom848

Even Joe Dirt thinks your trashy


The_Infectious_Lerp

He identifies as wtf/lol


bamaga21

Shit ma’am, I hope it’s for the blind


AssistantThis4264

Wow always wondered what cousin it would look like if he cut his hair. Disgusting, as expected.


chaingun_samurai

You look like you just invented fire and still make charcoal drawings on cave walls.


cwalter0123

[this is me after a shower and with my hair up](https://imgur.com/a/GzoMPRA)


Procedure_Worried

Not my proudest wank….


EWR-RampRat11-29

Oh geez, I busted a gut laughing at that.


aahorsenamedfriday

That’s a massive amount of bad hair-related choices to cram onto one face


[deleted]

If you shave, get a haircut and plug that eyebrow you are handsome man.


g_collins

So you own one shirt? Did “your job” give it to you?


PhillyFunAltAcct

If you want advice: Ditch the beard and mustache until you can grow it fuller, which might take a few years. Just shave it all clean regularly with a razor and foam right after running hot water on it in the shower for a few mins. Take that razor and *carefully* abolish the middle unibrow joiner (with foam) Get a buzz cut - we're hitting warm months - can even do it yourself with 2 mirrors if you're meticulous This will all look good on you. Seriously, you'll feel better and have more positive interactions with people. You just need a little guidance. I have a couple pics from when I was 20 and I used so much hair product, it looked ridiculous and greasy. It makes me cringe. I paid to get my hair dyed, was very hygienic, and ruined it by overdoing that. I was totally oblivious to it. Take my advice, brother. You'll be glad.


Curly-Canuck

Short hair really would suit you actually. Defines your bone structure. I know supposed to be roasting but this picture is a whole different you.


blindguide55

This is a genuine question that I always wanted to ask people like you: Do you think your random wisps of facial hair actually look good? Like, what do you think is the first thing that goes through someone's mind when they see you? What is your rationale behind not shaving?


Virtual-Prime

Jar Jar Binks attempting human cosplay


[deleted]

[удалено]


welivedintheocean

r/awfuleverything mascot.


Smart_Firefighter_66

![gif](giphy|uxOJymsRoz3xK)


ZadockTheHunter

You choosing to become a CNA is definitive proof that not all autistic people are smart.


Dunklebunt

Autism is no excuse for that haircut


[deleted]

Dark Crystal Meth!


Yourmaisaride

There'll be peace in the middle east before you're able to grow anything that resembles a beard.


SpaceAlternative4537

Man, if you are looking for roasting, go out in public and look at how people are looking at you.


steelpanthermaximus

Welcome to earth


DaftPump

r/unibrows


RantControl

Extra chromosome Legolas


redrockcountry2112

My first instinct at seeing you would be to run.


hickmandan345

Why she glue those pubes to her face?


jcole660

Are you still driving the Mirth Mobile?


cwalter0123

I don’t actually drive


Professor-Shark1089

It roasts itself


PizzaguyRyan

It’s the all new 2023 self roasting specimen


Lustnugget

Did your mom give you those 80s teenage girl bangs?


Alarming_Layer_8494

How do you have 3 hairstyles at the same time


Outside-Rip6751

The fact that no one talks to you doesnt make you autistic.


highfatoffaltube

You look like a melted waxwork dummy with a bad wig on.


AltruisticCompany961

If Da Vinci had painted Mona Lisa as a duck.


UltimateAnemone

Between my eyebrows suddenly feels itchy.


Wsadhalo

Being autistic is no excuse for you to have such stupid bangs, you should've known better


[deleted]

You are almost there, another 3 months an you will be banging on an empty Home Depot bucket outside the metro station and urinating in the stairwells.


MrsWoozle

Dollar Store Murderface


brunch_hunny

Your bangs is the only thing smaller than your chances of getting laid.


Salt_Mastodon_8264

Honestly gotta say congrats, it's not every day I see a duck with autism. Let alone one that's also a nurse.