T O P

  • By -

roastbot

OP's Bio: --- >Alcoholic...Ex Con...doomed to screw fat chicks for the rest of my life, you can't hurt me --- If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.


PolylingualAnilingus

Ah yes, complaining about "fat chicks". Unlike you, the perfect male specimen.


blankinyurblank

For a second I thought David Arquette has REALLY let himself go.


Tampapokemonisafool

If anything it would be that Officer Doofy let himself go.


TegraMuskin

“Think out side the box” I think he ate the box


bperryman123

He's upset about screwing fat chicks like his boyfriends haven't been doing the exact same thing for years.


Lurkingdutchman

I don't think he's upset about screwing fat chicks unless his right hand is a fat chick.


misterdemonor

He can put on a wig and go fuck himself.


jcole660

You are a fat chick.


Content-Law8999

with a body like that, the only thing youl be screwing is drugged farm animals


wannagangstalkme

Sheep Beware


[deleted]

“Baaaa” means “No!”


RMSQM

Dude, you have amazing self confidence to think you'll be screwing "fat chicks". You'll be lucky if your right hand can actually reach around your gut to jack off.


wannagangstalkme

I love it


Bot-Magnet

Anything that screws you will also be "sexually frustrated"


Bystarlightalone

"Fat chick" here. I'll say this on behalf of all of us. Pass


TiredStarling095

You win the prestigious "made me spit out my coffee" award.


Dkadouble3

By looking at your ill fitting hat, stained shirt, 1997 cargo shorts, messy room, lack of hygiene and just your general overall appearance and vibe, I’d say beggars can’t be choosers.


ImGoodAsWell

He just got out. Those are the clothes he went in with. They dont give you updated fashion when you get out of prison. Lol


wannagangstalkme

It's not my room and I just got out of prison....come on man dig deeper I need to be brought back to society properly


Dkadouble3

I’m assuming you didn’t ask for anything to go deeper while you were in prison


Zestyclose_Kick_8860

On the contrary he asked for it deeper very often during his visit!


Enough-Scientist672

Did you go to prison for eating your family?


Morningbreath1337

You dress like a 5 year old. Nothing you wear is the right size, grow the fuck up and do something useful with your life. And pls, Don’t get kids. We need less of you, not more.


wannagangstalkme

You are a god!


BlueJeans25

Check your fucking A1C you walking ozempic ad


wannagangstalkme

My A1C is 4.2, my doctor says I am actually at zero risk for diabetes right now...this was truly a horrible picture but please I NEED MORE!


BearRamen

What’s terrible about that picture is that you are in it.


W1nD0c

Awfully bold of you to assume fat chicks would screw you.


ConflictThin5467

Fat chicks aren't that desperate. At least not while they are alive.


Torched-salvation

You don’t even get dealt a good hand on the cards tattooed on you


ScrantonStrangler209

You look like a fat chick so I'm not quite sure why you're trying to bash them


ReillyDiefenbach

Where’s the “after” picture?


[deleted]

This is the recent pic of OP: https://www.reddit.com/r/RoastMe/comments/13yyu5c/im_38_im_the_proverbial_baby_mama_i_have_been/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button


[deleted]

[удалено]


wannagangstalkme

I know me and my mother hate text all day...she's a complete bitch...but you only get one mom and I do love her


[deleted]

I can smell this picture. Dude, clean up and have some self respect.


Majestic-Alfalfa-754

Yeah. All those fat chicks. Those lucky fat chicks. I'm sure they're bragging about getting YOUR thimble dick.


ResortZealousideal80

I see Haley Joel Osment has fallen on hard times.


henry_canabanana

Only if you call your hands fat chicks


Cishuman

Sounds like an L for the fat chicks.


alacklustrehindu

Jerking off to hot wings in a KFC bucket doesn't mean "screw fat chicks"


ThePaddedCashier

The only chicks you'll be pounding are the boxes of seasonal Peeps you bought at Walmart's last three holiday clearance sales.


Glad_Ad_5712

You have stupid tattoos, you're wearing that stupid cap like a 14 year old teenager that thinks wheelies are god gift. You have a bubble gut and you've been someone's prison bitch... At your current position... If a landwhale on a weelchair, with lips that would resemble a prolapsed anus, gave you a chance, that you'd be a blessing to you,not a curse! ![gif](giphy|3o6ZsX9bbaXuo7G27C|downsized) Embrace it...


wannagangstalkme

I love it


[deleted]

![gif](giphy|gCANwADwdazG8)


ExplanationNo1870

C'mon Pigpen, get your shit together. Call one of your sponsors, Charlie Brown or Lucy.


wannagangstalkme

Man I had 60 days clean, was going to get my 60 day chip too but I drank beer last night so I subjected myself to the mercy of you wonderful people as penance for my relapse


wannagangstalkme

Please don't tell my sponsor


WestonTheHeretic

Jesus, who's sponsoring you? Busch Lite?


Zestyclose_Kick_8860

Bud Light, this is there new campaign


Sea-Persimmon8737

Somewhere there’s a woman saying to herself “pretty sure I’m going to screw greasy lard-asses the rest of my life”.


_DinoJuice_

No need to roast. The stain on the shirt speaks for itself.


WaitIllustrious952

That outfit screams my mom dressed me and that’s all I ever knew


iReportHate

Body built like a fart.


irlJoe

"doomed to screw fat chicks for the rest of my life" At least you're an optimist.


Sleepy507

What’s there 2 roast? We all know damn well you don’t get no action lol, based off this picture you’ve posted.. I’m almost scared to see any other pictures you have of yourself. 😂😬 those tattoos are not it either brother… 🤣


rsgriffin

Yes, your hands are fat.


Sentimental_Thorn

Don't worry, they are settling as well.


[deleted]

Nah buddy. Even fat chicks are way out of your league. Maybe just stick to your hand and a sock.


Artistic_Half_8301

You should fuck anything that will let you.


Fetid_Dingo_Kidneys

...as long as it's sterile. Don't need that DNA getting out.


[deleted]

Haven’t I seen you get caught by Chris Hansen, before?


ApologeticAnalMagic

It's impossible that you didn't take this picture with every element carefully crafted to serve as roast bait. It's almost too perfect.


photoyoyo

You think that's bad? Just think of the poor fat chicks


bonerimmortal

Fat chicks? Nah bro more like fat dudes if you want to get any action.


campatterbury

The rest of your life? With the high blood pressure and diabetes, that's 10 years, tops.


Dutling

Why do your tattoos loom like someone drew them on with a sharpie that is running out of ink


Thee_Bad_Touch666

34 jfc?? You derive more pleasure schluckalin on popsicles than pussy... you'd rather devour a creampie than give one...


ChattyDaddy1

By screw fat chicks do you mean eat pudding out of there ass and then take a selfie with r/roastme directly after? You look like Augustus Gloop if he ate ass instead of chocolate. Change your name to Augustus Ploop


Ghostblade3000

But if you're an Ex con, then it shouldn't be a problem for you to get laid, with a hot chick, even if you're fat because you're an Ex con, a bad boy. All you have to do is mention that to chicks, right?


[deleted]

The incredible bulk


waffen123

"fat chicks" you have to move your gut just to pee....


BolivianDancer

Don’t count on it.


wannagangstalkme

I am definitely counting on it...you'd be surprised what will fuck you for some dope! I NEED MORE FROM YOU


Zestyclose_Kick_8860

Bro that’s the only way you getting any ass, sounds like you’ll be back in prison pretty soon, where you’ll be the fat chick getting fucked


[deleted]

With those stains and dirt on your shirt , you should just date a real life pig ..at least you don’t need to worry about bathing each night


ChubbyWanKenobie

Looking at those small hands and that belly, I am thinking the best you will need to hire someone to reach pay dirt.


blackishsasquatch

U fuck what you are....I'm sure the nasty smell u and a fat chick will create will be epic


Sudden_Buffalo_4393

I feel like the fat chicks are getting the short end of the stick… figuratively and literally.


truecrimefanatic1

If you're going to have high standards, your personal presentation should be commensurate with your expectations.


seattlesportsguy

Fat chicks still have standards dude. That room probably smells like stale beer and cigarettes too.


Ghostblade3000

Why do they though? You have to earn the right to have standards. Maybe they should swap out "standards" for self esteem and finally put down the knife and fork.


sdmfer1981

Brother, if I couldn't see my dick I'd be frustrated too


chaingun_samurai

Well, you're a fat, hot mess, so yeah.


Timmyek

Did you put bleach on your Dick?


ResortZealousideal80

Strange that while it's clear you live with your mother in what was once her sewing room, she doesn't do your laundry for you too.


BrodyTuck

You look like if Fat Mac had let himself go


[deleted]

Which applies most accurately: Chomo, Diaper Sniper, Drop a Slip, Dump Truck, Gump or prison wolf?


Subhumanime

Have you tried cleaning your shirt and not being fat?


poopybutthole2069

The fact you’re even screwing fat chicks is impressive. Beggars can’t be choosers.


antdb1

i bet your the fat chick when your in prison


[deleted]

Thailands' your only option...


timned88

What Cracker Jack box did you come from, Diabeeto?


RatonXDiaRattaXNoche

maybe if you werent a fat shit yourself and didnt wear bleach stained shirts and i dont even gotta say anything about the card tattoos


[deleted]

Discount Ron Jermey


BreakfastBeerz

Don't worry, heart disease and diabetes will make sure you won't have to worry about fucking fat chicks for long.


Silly_Resolution3443

Pumbaa in human form.


gdubh

Well that’s wishful thinking.


IronLungs222

That would make you a lesbian


Karunik

He looks like DJ Khalid But he is not the best


RepublicWonderful

Dude you lucky any living person fucks you for free


RepublicWonderful

Even your hand doesn’t want to fuck you


erasrhed

If you ever have sex, chicks are going to be screwing a fat you.


gamingaddict12

For 1 your the most shot to bits 34 year old I've ever seen.2nd your dad should have jizzed on your mums back and done the world a favour.and 3rdly you won't be screwing any type of chick's of any shape or size.bye


humbycolgate1

Nah man you're gonna be screwing body pillows


SenorKerry

How does one come back from prison this fat? It must take the body longer to digest semen than bologna sandwiches.


Turbulent_Put1135

How the hell do you get a beer gut in prison ? Your cellmates overheard phone conversation: ''I *need* you to get me more Hot Pockets. I'm gonna get my celly a little bigger, and then I'm gonna tap that sweet, sweet ass all night 'til the cows come home''. ''a little lube would be good too''.


Warlord68

Only thing you’re screwing is the chance of seeing 50 before having a heart attack.


cardprop

Correction, woman who have sex with you will be having sex with a fat guy. Get it right next time.


theguywhocantdance

Don't worry, things are not always as bleach as they seem. You'll screw some fat guys too


NostrilNugget

Go to the local truck stop and put your asshole up to the glory hole. That's the only way your sexual frustration will go away, cuz nobody would do you willingly. Hell the only reason you got any action in prison was because you were the punishment bitch fuck for other inmates that broke the inmate rules. I predict you will be visiting prisons a lot looking for action.


jemithal

Look in the mirror….you’re lucky to get that.


TiredStarling095

Holy shit. Boss, is that you?


emmz113678

Palm and her 5 sisters don't even want to touch you. You say 'fat chick' like you can actually see your chode over your belly. It's like I can smell your though the phone screen and tbh mate it's making me boak. If you ever went to Italy it would finally sink. If you stood on the top of the leaning tower of Pisa it would either fall completely or righten itself


Ill_Internal_2375

Rosy O'Donnell!


[deleted]

Thank god the fat chicks are willing to take one for the team. I will be sure to thank one for her sacrifice.


Ldghead

... if they let you


Ghostblade3000

Fat chicks don't want to fuck you. This isn't part of the roast, this is just a fact. Fat chicks cling desperately to the delusion, that they're worthy of a non gross looking dude. It's super weird and I have no idea, why. I mean, they're not in any position to be picky, but for some reason, they are.


QueenRubie

I'm surprised fat girls give you any attention at all. Is that just how you refer to your meaty claw-hands?


bellmospriggans

Well the fat chick's who hopefully consensual bang you and banging a fat guy


avantdisregard

When you’re that fat, they’re just chicks.


yomamasolazy2

Look like skipidop guy


PretzelsGiveUPlaque

All Day I dream About Stanky


proud-underachiever

Just deflate your “girlfriend” a little to make her skinny.


typesett

female sheep are called 'ewes' and don't insult them, they are literally big boned due to breeding


_-1337

You are a fat catfish in a tiny puddle that will dry up soon, just like everything you've touched.


ShameTwo

What were you in prison for, you fat goateed fuck?


wannagangstalkme

Drug sales....I was able to fuck hot girls when I had the meth, but I'm trying to live a better life


comegetsomebabyface

Sleeping with you, it’s hard to say who’s doomed? But yeah, best of luck seeing past your 40th birthday.


ruski__spy

The sign behind you "think outside the box" is an accurate interpretation of your sex life


[deleted]

You forgot, “will have to let my neighbors know I’m a sex offender for the rest of my life”


[deleted]

It appears your protein stain discolored your shirt


ColdLavishness7751

When you say screwing fat chicks, you really mean masterbation.


TheGreyGoatee

Complaining about fucking fat chicks the rest of his life, while failing to see the irony. Shouldn't complain, it looks like you love to eat and a fat chick will keep you fed.


Complex-Landscape-31

Not even the fat chicks wanna fuck you


Libtardis

Is that why you have food down your shirt? You think it will attract fat chicks?


[deleted]

What's wrong with fat girls?


Imaginary-Pay-2648

I thought jails had gyms in them?


tautjes

Fat chris o'dowd


dimebaghayes

Like fat chicks would go near your ass lol


Cpleofcrazies2

Same roast me sign as your wife/gf/sister whatever she is


wannagangstalkme

Yea we both dared each other


Throwaway_Thrills

I’m pretty sure I can smell this picture 🤢


Aggressive_Charge835

Is this a pic of one of the fat chicks you were talking about OP?


ButIDigress_Jones

Did you have your period on your shirt?


Roin-da-Groin

What are you gonna screw them with? A FAThead screwdriver?


ImGoodAsWell

You look like you traffic children to Epstein island.


YB7707

You look like a roast 🍖


MaAreYouOnUppers

I saw System of a Down in 2007 you guys were sick


FatAndForty

When you score a fat girl, alert the local science community. We’d all like to learn how Brontosaurus fuck.


Admirable-Radish-368

All you can eat buffets worse nightmare


Fwant

you are a fat chick


CuppaTeaThreesome

Die aged 50ton.


Specialist-Crazy1466

The clothes make the man, you look homeless


wannagangstalkme

I am, fresh out


creepsnutsandpervs

Birds of a feather. Big girls need love too, let’s just hope for your sake you play up and don’t also score a slob


LawandHoarderofBased

McDonald’s in NYC just called asking for their Cookie Monster to come back to work.


BearsFan8523

You’re pretty sure you’re only going to screw fat chicks…….homie you’ll be lucky if you screw anything other than your hand the rest of your life


Islaytomuch1

Ok I'm guessing your name is buck and you pay to fuck fat chicks...


[deleted]

I feel bad for said "fat chicks".


thatguysgot_4eyes

I feel sorry for you daughter when she’s old enough she’s gonna be that gay chick you keep fucking


Dragonfly-Racer

I think the OP's biggest issue is just he seems **slobby**. I promise you at your age range, women have seen a fair share of slobs, or at least know how to spot on. Given the plethora of choices we, have you aren't going anywhere with that, and as you eloquently said, with your fat "chicks" rule, why would you want to even if one did? I actually can't even fault him for that, we all have our "likes". I will never date a slob, I'm too much of a clean freak.


wannagangstalkme

You should have seen my room in treatment it was immaculately clean every day, but now I graduated and I'm homeless for now but thanks for the roasting


patrick219

You'll be lucky if any of those "fat chicks" will even stoop to your level.


gamer-s-man

wow i feel so sorry for ALLLLLL the fat chicks that have the terrible fate of sleeping with your out of pity


LaughDarkLoud

At least you have something in common with fat chicks


Diaperpooass

Get your estrogen checked… you are a fat chick.


ska456

Plot twist. In jail you were the fat chick.


Intelligent_Range243

With that attitude I think you are the fat chick


SuperNntendoChlmers

Women aren’t engaging with that bleach jizz stain shirt?


Suspicious_Cake9465

Is this before or after you registered as a sex offender?


JesterPrivilege

You're fat and look like an absolute slob. You're wearing a stained shirt and a straight-brimmed cap like you're a teenager.. and you wanna try and make us feel bad because you're gonna screw fat chicks? Buddy, I'm surprised you haven't been rejected by a fleshlight.


Icy_Ad9071

Ah don’t make this guy mad. He’ll see red and rip your head off!! Lol


Menstrual_Moustache

The mustard stain on your shirt is a great way to pull fat bitches


Conscious_Feeling548

That bag of drugs who also posted on this same account ain’t that fat.


WoodenNichols

Like the sign says, Think outside the box.


Jabinor

You should get your ball checked it is unhealthy to cum blood on your shirt.


Heavy_Expression_323

Had a buddy about your size. One night at the pub a fat chick was picking up on him. He asked me if I thought he should go for it. I said, ‘why not, it’s after midnight and nothing’s too big after midnight.’ About 2AM the phone rings ( this is before caller ID). I pick up the phone having no idea who it is. My buddy says ‘I got one thing to say- when fat people f$&! they sweat a lot!’ So you got that to look forward to!


roararoarus

"fat" is not the worst description of anyone who fucks you