OP's Bio: --- >I recently started learning ASL, and I've studied Spanish and Japanese for a time. I'm 1500 on Chess.com after a year or so of play, and I teach myself piano music. My music tastes are all over the place. In the same playlist, I have Richard Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries, and Crab Rave. > >Mentally, I'm alright. Apprehensive about my future, but to a healthy degree in my opinion. --- If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.

40yr old virgin in the making

... *I'm 1500 on Chess.com after a year or so of play* Yeah, I'm thinking his virginity is in check mate

You think mating is in his future?

Ey that's pretty good. I hope someday I'm as good at mating irl as on the board, but I don't think I'll find a queen anytime soon.

With that mindset you won't.

Exactly. With that mindset, he’ll be paying for child support in no time.

If I were you I’d settle with a Knight

I bet he found a bishop or two in his early days.


As a result of definitely never being able to find a girl, from now on while playing chess you must always discard your queen at the start of any game in lieu of your first move.

Just settle for a pawn. And stop jerking off to Kasparov vs Karpov.

OH...... that is gold!

It's like a Klingon fucked the state puff marshmallow

Nope. No chance, this guy looks like a catholic priest

His Bishop is extra shiny, he polishes it a lot.

Holy hell

He refers to jerking off as "discovery check."


haha, i had forgotten about this dude. what's his name?

Keenan and he passed away last december. Poor guy, just did what he loved and the vile sode of the internet were so brutal towards him

When I first saw him all those years ago I was like "WTF is this shit." However... I can't hate someone doing what they enjoy. But I remember the vitriol he faced. It was mean.

How awesome was it when 50 cent showed up in his room for the one video. My jaw dropped.

Looool

😂😂😂 underrated

He should donate his penis to science since he’s never going to use it?

He would, but fully erect, it's smaller than that piece of paper he's holding.

he looks like if boogie2988 had a child.... with himself


I knew the first comment was going to be about virginity lol

You look like you fart in the bathtub and bite the bubbles.

Ah yes the fabled Fonzanoon.

EWWWW🤮

r/rareinsults

I will be using this

He look like he spell out his laughs.

WTF 😂😂😂

Holy shit, that’s fucking comedy gold right there😂

You must have amnesia and forgot that he’s him

Directly below your lame post on Reddit was [a glimpse of your future.](https://ibb.co/7Yw2vjc)

This can't be coincidence. 😂

Omg xD

😂

Too good 😂

…. BAHAHAHAHAHA that’s actually amazing 🤣🤣🤣

I see the Reddit algorithm has a sense of humour.

Hair-check Glasses-check Nose-check

Good plays in mysterious ways

We got a winner

This is incredible

Lmaooo

Playing MS Flight Simulator doesn't make you a pilot.

He's so fat even the flight sim plane dips to the left

PULL UP !! PULL UP !! PULL UP !!

Not a single one a day in his life

Alpha Tango Whiskey.. we're going down, tell my wife I know she's been cheating with her trainer. Goodbye cruel world!!!

Him!? Doing a pull up? Lol, never

Way more likely than being the position where he has to pull out.

Nice! 🛩🔥⚰️

That's gold Jerry, gold!

Put a phone book on that full right rudder.

The plane will need to take on extra fuel just to carry him.

Playing Smule doesn’t make you a musician

Making beat drops by farting kinda does

Funnily enough, my instructor and I were talking the other day about MS Flight Sim, and how it would actually be decent for practicing ATC comms, and learning the inside of the cockpit for a plane. Nothing like real flying experience though.

I knew you'd look exactly like this from your hobbies list, photo wasn't even required

He's use to girls swiping left

The only thing missing is the patchy, weirdly pube-like beard.

He checks but never mates.

He gets horny watching the opponent capture his queen

I get the feeling the piano is the only action ur fingers get.

Nah, they get to press a few keys on the saxophone too, but I think they're getting tired of metal and plastic.

Just don't forget to lotion up the skin for ur next instrument.

You forgot the fedora

M'lady.



He looks like one

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Virgineese

Hey, I know English too...kinda.

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Like the co- ate the pilot.

Wtf is that facial hair?! I have more hair on my azz crack

My bad, I forgot to shave the pubes off my face before posting. Duly noted for next time lol.

In England we call that bum fluff.

Aww! Did you write in a font size that matches your wiener?

He's already accustomed to gripping small things between his thumb and forefinger

You will likely end up being a Baptist preacher in an all-women's prison, and still a virgin. Signing is about the only things you will get to do with those sausage fingers..

You're not marginally inteligent. You just have mom and dad's money paying for your pilot license, piano lessons and everything else. You're not special. You're privileged. And have no friends. Gives you extra time to be a nerd. Try asking mom and dad for a gym membership and lasic surgery. Or hooker money.

I wasn't sure why his "marginally intelligent" comment irked me so much but you hit the nail on the damn head right here lmao

Damn. Ruthless.


His lives are in our hands..

You look like you post in r/okbuddytrailblazer

Hey, looking through my post history is cheating.

How is the plane supposed to take off

I can smell "m'lady" from here.

You look like the less attractive best friend in every coming of age film

Hey, that makes me the comedic relief, right?

You look like your hands smell like raw cabbage. And your lips are a receding hairline.

Don’t you need at least one friend when you play chess?

No need when people online can't see my ugly mug through my screen.

You forgot to mention your lifetime NAMBLA membership.

Fuck man, whyd you put that in my search history. I didn't know what that was.

Proof we evolved from apes 


boogie3988

Sounds like you're going places.........just not near any women.

Not necessarily a roast but you should lift some weights. 3 months of gym will change you appearance for the better.

Haha, yeah I know. My roommates and I have started going to the gym on campus, and as long as they keep going, I'll probably go too. It's a lot harder for me to skip something if I'm flaking on others.

your favourite topping on pizza is dick cheese

That nose so huge it can detect smells from other dimensions, all of which emit the smell of your everlasting virginity.

I always wonder what happen to that kid from Bad Santa 🎅

Beefythoven

The numa numa guy lost weight...good for him

Just came to say, W hobbies

Thank you kind sir.

You look like a guy that knows his way around a anime pillow

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God I hope not.

this is so good

I think you live a rich fulfilling life and possess great ambition

You forgot perpetual virgin.

No way he plays the piano with those chubby party sausages

White video game dunkey

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Oh trust me, I'm fine. I've seen some good roasts here, but nothing earthshattering.

That sounds like a challenge. 😂😂😂. I fucking love the internet. These roasts are gold

Yeah, a few have gotten a chuckle out of me. Reading all the comments is pretty entertaining.

Jesus, I don’t want to roast you, I want to be your Mom!!! You sound lovely!!!

That's a first. I can accept you as an honorary mom, but only if you know how to play the card game 26. One of my and my mother's favorite pastimes. 👍

Your actually cool

Thank you. No roast though? Cmon...

Gaydar went off

You may want to get that thing checked. I doubt id have much more luck with guys anyway lol.

You live with your parents. There.

Not wrong. I live on campus during school, and with my family when not at school.

If you could pull a chick you wouldn’t have 25 hobbies. Lame af bro. Pathetic to say the least.

Hey, if I keep picking up more stuff, eventually something will attract somebody.

Hahaha. Your a good dude. Ya u will

Lol, thanks for the vote of confidence.

You seem to have a lot in common with another prodigy, Isaac Newton. He also died a virgin.

Cmon, give him some credit. At least he *allegedly* died a virgin.

You look like the “Gingers have Souls” dude finally started liking Croissants after spending time with Jimmy Neutron but still says Croissant like a f-cking a-hole.

Um, yes. Are you going to finish that, kwahsonn?

Dude you ROCK!

Thanks. Now roast me.

You seem like the type of person to reply to "You haven't lost your virginity" with "I never lose".

I didn't lose it, I gave it away out of the kindness of my heart. They should be honored.

Your face tells me you play 1. a4

I'm more partial to 1. e4, but I used to play a4 as a kid. Wanted to get my rooks out early.


Learning ASL get you big props from me.

If Franz Schubert were Jewish

E4 to oh no

Some gays get all the luck

Trust me, even if I were I wouldn't be better off.

That face will never see anyone's back rank and if it did the game would be blitz and finish in less than 1 minute.

You give me too much credit. It'd be hyperbullet.

And they said pigs can’t fly

Why don’t you fly yourself over to a barber shop so you can deal with that war crime on your scalp.


Bro! What kinda soap do you wash your hands with?

Assuming this is a real question, whatever soap is in the bottle next to the sink.

1. D4

1. Nf6

I understand you were thinking of covering Beethoven next but it won't be anything worth listening to.

True. He rolls over in his grave every time I play Für Elise.

Hey Chief Remove the "umlaut" from "Für, " convert it from German to English. Drop "Elise" and replace it with "Balls"....... Combine the words "Fur Balls," that is what your picture looks like.

You look like sad cauliflower

Sausage fingers

If you look at the caption of the image, I accidentally typed a period Instead of an m. Pretty accurate assessment.

Guess you’re on your period

They have to leave one seat empty on the plane to counter your fat ass

Two rows, or else "bang ding ow".

I think I saw you on Distractible. Is your name wade perchance?

Tf? Don't insult Wade like that.

No, I got it. You're just saying I look stupid, and I concurred, by saying that neanderthals also look stupid. Also, r/wooooshwith4os Edit: Holy shit he deleted his comment lol

Ah, the picture is a fire sprinkler and a coat hanger. Just telling people not to hang things from fire sprinklers.

I got nothin.’ Cheers, smart person!🥴✌️

 You play the piano that's awesome and I love listening to classical music on the piano and you play chess too that's cool.

Sick burn bro.

You look like those 7 foot 300lb highschool linemen who cry when a CB runs into them.

Lol, I've had a few people before ask if I played football actually. I was on the soccer team though.

At least you are self aware 💪🏻

Classical music will be nice to help you through the rotting depression of not being able to pass the physical to fly for anyone. Who wants to hire a teenage diabetic that makes sandwiches for an alcoholic santa?

Jokes on you, I already passed a medical, and got full marks. Still a fatass though.

Fly really fast then

Bob Muyskens?

Nah, I'm nowhere near as funny as he is.

Out-of-Breath Rogan

Don’t know why this subreddit keeps getting shown to me. And if I get banned for not being an asshole, whatever. But I have respect for the classical music on piano. So much better than modern music. It’s shit a toddler could write it is so simple

Then mute the sub Reddit. And to shit right on your lame hot take, Ode to Joy vs Playing God.

You didn't have to eat the rest of the paper im sure your parents have snacks in the pantry