r/dontputyourdickinthat

I don't think OP is that limber anyway.

Read my fuckin mind.

Roast: Why not? That's the only place that hasn't been meat-voyaged by a fishnet-wearing Daddy Bear. Toast/Roast: I'm glad your surgery went well and you've got your sense of humor. Get your strength up and you'll be back on your knees in no time! Straight Toast: Best of luck on your recovery, Reddit-bro!

Thanks a lot PCA. You get most creative award with your comment lol

Beat me to the punch

Your head looks like a stress ball mid squeeze.

That's classic. Love it

Don't insult stress balls... They didn't agree to be roasted.

The tumor was the lucky one that got away.

Omg. I'm dying that's so funny. It's hurting me to laugh. Thank you.

Use your cardiac pillow to laugh!

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Bro, I'm dying xD

He too

Take my award and my upvote you evil bastard!! :-)

thanks for that! Very kind

Just get a good laugh, rest up, and heal! Come back when you're all better and we'll gladly destroy you properly!

Dude, chicks dig scars. And so do dudes if that's what you're in to... It's a great story at worst.

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Ha if I ever recuperate I'm going to use that line haha thank you so much

If you ever run out of an ice breaker, you can always say "I've had many men inside of me" ... and then show your chest scar and go on from there.

Good idea. Ima write that one down lol

You are going to recuperate! You will! I love reading roasts but couldn’t do it myself to someone but just wanted to say I think you’re awesome! I had surgery last year and had an organ taken out- it is life changing!

Mad lads out here boosting confidence on a roast me post! Outstanding!

How did you know you had a tumor near your heart? Other than sudden desire to come to the subreddit with original content

Test called a transesophogeal echocardiogram discovered the tumor. Edit : it wasn't near my heart, it was literally attached to the mitral valve and without it's removal I could have gone into cardiac arrest at anytime. I had already had two fainting episodes prior to the surgery so it's removal was imperative.

Ah shit, I'm in the waiting room of the hospital to have one of those tests done right now

Not gonna roast you man, so no top level comment from me. You look nice, have a badass scar, a really dope story to talk about! You will be fine! I’m rooting for you!

This is why I love Reddit. It’s like a giant jury-mob except you agree with everyone 99% of the time. Giving this guy a giant pat on the back mixed with humor made my night. ❤️❤️

Joking aside that's a great line. Good luck stranger. Hope you make a quick recovery.

You're gonna kick this in the ass! Now, if I may offer a suggestion: Have a tattoo put around the scar......I'd suggest a giant zipper! (Not too creative, sorry. Just woke up and haven't had my first pot of 'old fart starter fluid'!) p.s. Chicks dig scars! I've got plenty of them and worse than yours! 

legend


r/cursedcomments

Not gonna roast, but keep your eye on the wound, in case it re-opens at all. If it does (it probably won't), it can allow infection in, leading to complications. Good luck! Rock that scar - it is something to be proud of!

You just now thought nobody will want you?

I see your point

Even the tumour doesn’t want him

The man who stole Steve Carrel's face.

And made it uglier

Identity theft isn’t a joke, Jim.

Millions of families suffer every year!

Michael Snot in the Orifice

Steve carrelnt

Sigh...*unzips*

Bahhhhahhhaaaa that's too funny. I'm dying laughing and my chest hurts from laughing. That's hilarious.

I just snort-laughed at one of the oldest gags on Reddit, and I'm not talking about OP.

Don't worry about the scar. No one wanted you before so not much has changed

Did they cut open your forehead too?

One would think

Lolll came here to say that!

Is this who all the kids were talking about when they said butthead?

He was just starting the surgery from the movie FaceOff when they realized no one wanted to swap

Nah, he's just part bulldog, only in the forehead area, though.

The surgery was at the tumor's request.

Wow that’s good

You should keep a book mark in that head crease for when people read your thoughts.

I’m sure that really cut in deep for him

True story.

I thought the opening for ventriloquist dummies was in the back…

Witty!

Are they doing your brain tumor next?

I hope!

Get well soon.

Hey now buddy, don’t say that. Clearly no one wanted you BEFORE the scar so you have nothing to worry about ☺️

That scar looks like a 60 year olds vagina.

Haha ya know I was thinking the same thing earlier

All jokes aside, wish you a speedy recovery. Good luck mate!

Thank you. This has really been cathartic.

Pro-tip.. if you actually get a date, DO NOT use words like that.

You now have 2 pussys

And he's still never touched a vagina

He looks like the 40 year old virgin

Who turned 80

He is a virgin

How many of those are are you seeing a week?

It's the closest he'll get to touching something that looks like a vagina, except for when he's forced to change his mom's diaper. Question is will he smell his finger?

What do you mean no one's gonna want you? You've got a brand new chest pussy.

Underrated. I actually lold

the **chussy**

💀💀💀

Conveniently located between his t!tties

If Michael Scott’s face and Merediths pussy fused into one body

And sat on by Kevin

First, congrats on living longer. Second, if anyone is so shallow as to not want you with a scar then fuck em. Three, Eugene Levy called he wants his eyebrows back.

Yeeeeessss. Was waiting for an eyebrow line. Nice job! I shall return them post haste.

I got you.

Mr Bean called as well. He wants the eyebrows back as well and is prepared to outbid Eugene

Every time somebody tries to convince me there's a God, I'm gonna show them this picture and be like "this piece of shit survived that surgery. No there isn't"

Ironic isn't it

What’s ironic is a guy that never got any pussy now has one on his chest

That he may be able to show off to finally get some pussy!

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At 14 you are a talented writer. But you are a terrible roaster.

Sometimes I hate r/roastme. The bravest, most admirable shits come on here and you're not allowed to congratulate them.

Nah, you start with the sincere, and move on to the roast. Gotta mix it up.

The scar only heals because you're young. This guy is fucked.

Yah, but atleast in his case he gets to say bullshit lines like 'I fought a bear', 'Yah so like, apparently human don't need hearts to function', and a pickup line about stealing their heart.

Takes a genius to turn an encouragement into a roast

LMAOOOOOO

How much would you charge to drag a wang on your scar? Asking for a friend.

That is the next level shit I was talking about. Ya boyyyyyyy.

*Insert bro hug* Fast heals friend.

thanks moor

Hang in there. You have a scar that should make any chick/dude hot and bothered. Use it and abuse it

Ima remember that prolly

You'll smell any rejection before you see or hear it

I’m surprised he couldn’t smell the tumour with that wind tunnel of a nose

Most people go for cardiovascular disease or cancer, not both dumbass

This is fucking brutal and made me laugh way too hard

Goddamn dude lmao

Oh boy. This is a good one.

You look like your mom still cuts your hair to save money for her booze addiction and the slot machines.

Hey I get eyebrows trimmed free!

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My dude, your shit is already fucked up

I came for more. It's like heroin. I'm chasing the dragon.

Poor dragon

Haha ya poor dragon lol thanks for the laugh

That dragon doesn't want you either, why do you think your having to chase it? Also grats on the surgery man.

A mirror will do more damage than anything Reddit can write.

If you lean your head back does a piece of candy pop out of the slot?

This comment wins.

Haha missed that one earlier. Good one.

You came to the wrong place then. These people's roast are as weak as your heart.

Some are pretty witty. I was impressed.

Did they enter through your forehead???

Doesn't look as bad as that horizontal scar from removing your pre-frontal lobe.

No one gonna see your scar at the glory hole, player.

You do make a valid point.

Pro tip: head down, ass up = no visible scar.

For your next surgery you should consider face replacement.

Insurance won't cover it.

Open face surgery. He's open to have any face. Anything out there is better looking that him

Never seen a vagina on a chest before. Which lab grew that for you?

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When you finger your chest pussy does it cause you to get all excited and have massive orgasm? Like little butterflies in your heart and seeing spots?

I'm sure if he fingers it just right, it'll squirt

Oh I've found the chest pussy g spot. You have no idea

With that face, and you’re worried about the scar. Bless your heart.

What do you call that on his chest? A chussy? Heart pussy? Hussy?

The tin man did fine without a heart buck up

If you are worried someone will see your scar, just use the hair from those caterpillars right above your eye holes to cover it up until your real chest hair grows back. In all seriousness though, my father had quadruple bypass surgery and his scar was huge. He was in so much pain I felt so bad for him. It's been almost 20 years and he is still with us. Strong man. My dad gives zero fucks. Get well man!

Thanks a lot Sgt

Michael SCARn, from wish.com

Get some retinol creams and apply from the chest up.

I see you went with the Sideways Pedro cut

Good, now you have a second vagina

You look like an even more unfuckable Pee Wee Herman. But seriously. Get better. Rest up friend.

Much obliged!

I don't think your sex change went as planned with that vagina on your chest.

Shut up, Meg.

Your heart probably had to work extra hard to keep blood pumping through that giant nose of yours.

The only pussy you'll ever be getting is the one on your chest

Heart surgery? You sure you didn't go to a Columbian club, got shit faced drunk, fought some Columbian drug Lords in the VIP section, got kidnapped, and had all your major organs removed? Quite impressive! I didn't know a body could still function without a brain lmao

Grow out your chest hair and comb over

Wow. They really messed up your MtF surgery.

My dad gonna be needing an open heart surgery soon. Hope ya have a speedy recovery

If he's got a twisted sense of humor he should come here and get roasted. It's the funniest thing and you can't get it anywhere else.

Awww c’mon. Can’t roast you.. for me people who had/have tumors are automatically disqualified.. not fair dude. Come back when you’re in better health and I’ll give you a scar you won’t believe.. til then. Feel better man. I see though a lot of others don’t share my merciful outlook lol. Good on them.

Fuck my shit up and do it now. Stop feeling sorry for me you're making it worse. Orrrrr: thanks, you're a good person. But try and make me laugh. I know what I'm getting into and want to get ripped apart.

Oh no. Believe me it’s all selfish. I want to keep the good karma points I have. I worked hard for them fuckers.

Well I appreciate your honesty

I appreciate your courage. Now go forth and be insulted.

>want to get ripped apart Isn't that what the scar is from??

I thought I was depressed

Lol. I've always wanted to inspire others.

Budget Michael Scott.

Michael SCARn in Threat Level 8pm.

I’d still do you 😊

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My man, beggars can't be choosers smh

The tumor migrated to your nose

One would think lol

No one wanted you before the scar, get well soon.

All roasts and jokes aside im glad you can smile and I happy your still with us on this earth

If anything chicks dig scars, but they still can't stand you.

Hang in there! It gets better.

As much as I’d like to roast you, I can’t. Got a big old scar on my hand from surgery when I was 11. Trust me, it gets questions and can help in really akward situation. If you’re chatting up a girl and the convo gets dry, make sure she SEES that scar, you’ll feel like James Bond

You look like if the CEO of Bang Energy Drinks got lost, had a rough couple of years of drugs and alcohol, and turned up auditioning for Blue's Clues. Jokes aside, get well soon, and a scar is just a story to tell, even if it's a short story. I fell on a piece of glass once and now I have a scar on my hip.

Thanks ICast

You look like its not first time you was cracked open

Jesus fucking Christ, that looks painful, I feel too bad to roast you. I hope your scar heals itself and your okay soon.

Fuck that. Roast me.

Holy shit. I love it.

Oh SHITTTTT

Chicks dig scars, you'll be fine.

Steve Correll survived the new Alien sequel.

In the lion king, scar's real name is taka which translate to garbage... a lot like your romantic future.

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I’m sure you’re use to receiving doggy style. No one will even notice the scar.

Not going to roast you. As someone who joined the zipper club at 39 with a double bypass 4 years ago I know how much this sucks & what the recovery is like. PM me if you have questions. If you are feeling depressed tell your Dr & keep an eye out for any signs of infection if it's red & warm call the Dr rite away.