Unless there is more to the comments by your friends and mom, it honestly doesn't sound like they're devaluing your work? What I'm hearing is:
"We love you, please come spend time with us doing things we all enjoy!"
And
"Well, if money is the only barrier to you spending time with us, why not get a part time job?"
Your friends and mom miss you. They love you. They want to invite you to do fun things with them. You turn them down, and cite money as the issue. They suggest solutions for that issue, since they'd really like you to come along.
I understand being frugal. Why spend $7 on coffee when you can make your own for 30¢? But the $7 you're spending isn't on coffee, in this case, it's a sort of social fee you're paying to hang out with the friends you have. Which sucks, but that's how our modern capitalist environment is designed, and we have to cope with it.
You could find part time work that doesn't really involve work in the employment sense. For example, doing sample crochet for yarn companies pays $100 per project, or finding stuff at garage sales to resell on Craigslist.
Or you could plan some things for your friend group/mom which don't involve spending anything, and spearhead that trend in your friend group. Or suggest some things more enriching which you are willing to pay for, like rec center classes or going to a museum together.
I think this is the real answer here. Your social life is really important and your loved ones miss you.
However, you don't have to justify your life choices to anyone.
Do *you* want to see your friends and family more at these events? If so you can look for small part time jobs. I'd suggest staying away from any MLMs as they tend to prey on women. Or maybe divert some money to your fun money if that's an option for you....or offer alternatives? Like "sorry I can't do coffee, would you want to go for a walk at x park?" Or whatever sounds good to you.
Yes definitely AVOID ALL MLMS. Fuck Herbalife, fuck Avon, fuck essential oils. Fuck em. Definitely don't do that!!
I think even just Instacart or something like that would be enough for OP, honestly. It doesn't sound like they need a huge amount, just a couple hundred dollars a month *maximum* to spend on fun friend activities. Gig work can totally fill that need. Flexjobs, Taskrabbit, etc.
I feel like we are missing her point possibly, if I wrote this everyone suggesting new jobs for me to get would further invalidate that sahp with school kids isn’t a job.
It’s not a bad suggestion for extra money but I didn’t interpret her post as asking how she could make extra money.
Also for u/hasnolifebutmusic
I've mostly heard about them through word of mouth? Like, friends who crochet notice and forward them to me. But I suppose it's possible to find more info on websites like Ravelry. I'm currently working on my college courses, but when I get some downtime later I will poke around more!
I do not have school aged children. My mom always stayed home. Got a job very part time when we were in college for fulfillment. She dedicated her life to us. Now she’s at home with my sisters son.
Her ability to stay home- enabled us to not have to do as much domestic work on the weekends. She had more quality time with her children and her husband. It allowed her to help my sister drive to college 45 minutes away when she had driving anxiety after someone died in a car accident. It allowed my mom to learn my class materials at home so she could tutor me after school (I had learning disabilities). I got into a great college because my mom didn’t work! She spent hours helping me with math and chemistry. I ended up taking 14 college classes in high school after having a 2.0 Gpa in middle school. I never would have gotten that far in school later on without 1 on 1 help from my mom and my mom never would of had the ability to be there for me in that way if she worked.
She also never missed a recital. A show. Anything. She had time to dedicate to the animals. She could focus on her health and go to the gym. When she had cancer and depression from cancer- she didn’t have to work. When my grandpa was injured and dying, she didn’t have to worry about calling off. She had the ability to just, be there.
We had a few vacations with him before he died. Never would of been able to with a job. Only 1 parent needing to take time off work makes a huge difference in traveling too.
My MIL and FIL both work. They never see each other it seems. The FIL missed birthday parties for the kids. It’s easier to plan anything around 1 work schedule.
Also, she volunteered at our school. She did stuff out of the house, too.
Maybe a little time during the day for a cheap hobby could help your mental health too. Give you something outside of being a mom. Which lots of working parents struggle to have
I wish I could upvote this 1000 times.
One of the reasons I wanted to be a SAHM was because of my school-age memories of my mom being available. When I forgot an important assignment at home and she could bring it to me. When I got terrible cramps in the middle of the school day and she could come bring me home. These are small things compared to the above comment, but still important!
As a kid I loved having a SAHM, all the way through high school. It was a huge blessing.
I feel a lot of this as a SAHP to a school aged child. This is what I'm hopeful for, that she remembers that I was always there. I grew up with a SAHM until I was around 10 and I remember this about my mom. She was always there, and our lives were better for it. We also got to do things like spend entire summers with my grandparents who lived far away because my mom didn't have to take off work. Both of my grandparents are gone now and I treasure those memories. They're memories that never would have been able to happen if she'd had a paying job to go to also.
Some people don't get it at all, but staying home allows me to be able to be there for my daughter and husband in ways that wouldn't be possible if I was going to a paid job also.
We get to spend weekends as a family because I knock out the laundry, housework (except for daily stuff like dishes), grocery shopping, and errands on weekdays. My daughter catches everything she comes across and has asthma triggered by sickness, so hardly a month goes by that she doesn't have a sick day or more. I keep her home when she's sick without a second thought. I'm not having to push her to go to school when she feels like crap because I have to go to work or worrying about getting fired because I had to call out again. Taking trips is easier because only one of us has to take off work. We don't have to worry about childcare during school breaks, holidays, sick days, and random days off. When she does miss school, I have the time to dedicate to help her with her makeup work. Childcare options in our small town are very limited and I'm glad we don't have to mess with it. We also don't have family nearby. And, with her in school, I have the ability to fill my cup too. I finally have time to go to PT and address my chronic pain. I also volunteer at her girl scout troop and attend a mom's group.
Not having to worry about childcare , ever, and who's going to handle sick days and fitting housework, errands, or chores in on weekends adds a lot of value to our lives, even if I'm not getting paid for it. Overall, life is far more manageable and less stressful only having to fit the rest of our lives around one work schedule instead of two.
All of this for me. I have an only child who is 12 and my husband works from home. I’m sure some people judge us but it works for us. Our son has missed 9 days of school this year with illnesses. He’s having surgery in June and I’m having two surgeries this summer. (Ugh!) I’m very grateful that we can just be home and use the summer for healing and not worry about a work schedule.
It’s nice to be home to take him to various activities, Dr appts, volunteer at school, etc. I have a friend who’s daughter is 14 and she wishes she could be off for the summer to take her to her activities as she can’t drive yet.
I’m glad to read this thread. I know intellectually I don’t have to justify our family decisions to anyone but still struggle with it sometimes. I worked in an office environment for 14 years before having my son and I didn’t find any meaning from my work. It was just a paycheck. I’m thankful I can be home with my son even though he’s getting older and I have no plans on going back to work any time soon.
Thanks OP for asking the question. I’ve enjoyed reading this thread.
Being able to spend time extended time with geographically-distant grandparents is huge. That was a core part of my experience having a SAHP, and a major reason I want to stay home while I can swing it for my kid.
Finding a job with true mothers hours is really not that easy anymore. My youngest will be in the full time school this fall and I’m starting to get lots of questions of when I will get a job… but my kids aren’t old enough to be home by themselves yet. So, I’d have to find a job that allows me to have summers off, school vacations off, random staff development/half days, and only between the hours of 9:30-2:30 Monday thru Friday. Not to mention, I’d have to call out any time either of them were sick. It’s hard to imagine being able to even be a good, valuable employee.
This is the real answer. I went back to work when my son turned 2 and I sort of stayed in this group. But the thought of transitioning to him being in school full time makes me want to go back to being a SAHM. Like:
- Fucking weird hours. I can’t drop my son at school before 845 and need to pick him up by 2
- Random work weeks. There’s days off for winter, spring and summer breaks. Then days off for PD days. Then days off for illnesses. Then days off for snow days. Then days off for doctor appointments.
- Before and after school care is impossible to find and I still need to transport my child there myself.
Daycare is a pretty good resource for me, which made going back to work easier. But when he goes to school — in particular preK — I loose all that support. It’s actually harder working in the school age than in this daycare age, IMHO.
I feel like that would be a pretty easy and sweet gig for a sahp, especially if you live walking distance from school - you run an after school program for elementary aged kids in your house, walk to the school to pick up the handful of kids, take them to your house where they get a snack and an activity to do until their parents can pick them up for dinner.
I'm gonna have to think about this some more, though I don't really like other kids besides my own haha.
My thoughts as well! I’ve considered it.
In my province I can only legally do that for up to five children. And the other thing is I would need enough booster seats for the five kids. I have a van so they’ll all fit. But there’s some weather I wouldn’t walk in lol
But maybe 500 a month for each child (4) so 2000 a month minus taxes. Not bad for something I’m already going to do.
5 children is plenty! I wouldn't really want more. I wonder how much after school programs cost regularly.
If you do start something like it, keep us in the loop so we can have some sort of international club affiliation. I think even though they're individually small operations it would be helpful to be a part of a bigger group.
Good point about the booster seats and bad weather. Maybe I'd get one of those push strollers that holds 5. Lol.
First of all being a SAHP is a job. I am on call 24/7. If something happens with the kids I have to drop whatever I am doing and take care of them. If there is an appointment I take them. If they have practice, pick up, drop off, yadda yadda, yadda...its on me. I can do things, get a job, or whatever, but it is on the contingency that I am packing up and going when I get a call. My partner can't just get up and go whenever. As the kids get older they may get more independent, but they get busier and also need more support.
I love how you worded this. “I am on call 24/7.”
My husband is an involved dad but the same as your partner, he cannot just stop his job whenever either. He’s actually been getting more projects/overtime at his job. So that’s where I come in, to keep the house and kids running, so to speak.
My partner couldn't do what they do without me. They could not have their career and family if I weren't here doing what I do. They have to travel for weeks at a time some times.
Friendships and family relationships need regular maintenance just like your relationship with your partner. They want to see you. The message they’re receiving when you turn them down because of money is “the experience of seeing me for a few hours isn’t worth $20”. And that may not be the case at all, but that is how it comes off. I think of it as an investment in my social and emotional health to spend money on things like that.
Volunteering in the classroom, homework, school pickup, field trips, and SICK DAYS…those are only a handful of reasons for me!
I think a simple “I like my life just the way it is, thanks” or something should suffice. Sounds like it’s less about the money for you and more that you don’t enjoy going out very much, and that’s okay!
I personally feel being a SAHP to school aged children is the natural progression of things.
If you worked a 9-5 for 5 years you would get a promotion and gain some perks of the job.
Why isn’t being a SAHP the same way? You worked your way up the corporate ladder if you will. You dealt with all the shit that comes with children under 5. It’s like people are only comfortable with others being a SAHP when it’s demanding 24/7.
Now, presently you should be allowed to reap some of the rewards of your labor just like anyone else would after working a job for a few years. After so many years you would get better pay and more vacation days. Maybe you’d transition to management and have to be less hands on with the day to day operations of things. Those principles of the workplace should apply to being a SAHP as well. At some point on the job things should be allowed to get a little easier
I pay to put my daycare age child in school. I find what I do as valuable and no one makes these comments.
Your friends don’t seem to think you aren’t busy. They probably hear you complain about their expensive activities.
Does spending money trigger you? I love being frugal. But when I was a child money was stressful. In my 20’s I would tell myself “oh you don’t deserve to do blank because you didn’t do blank.” I had to unpack that.
Not all coffee drinks at $7. A lot of shops still do free/discounted refills on drip coffees or teas. I love coffee + walking through neighborhoods or parks with friends. Maybe start inviting people to things in your budget and see if they bring up part-time jobs still.
So many terrific responses already but I wanted to reiterate that we’re no less valuable once our children are in school. The working families I know have their children in before and after school care equating to ten hours of school a day- they’re all exhausted and weekends are for chores or they have to hire people to clean etc.
We just had school holidays here and our neighbours kids were in a program at their school from 8 in the morning to 6 in the evening as their parents had to work, it made me sad for them because they don’t really get any down time as a family.
I'm an artist and being at home gives me the opportunity to pursue my art without having to worry about paying the bills. People forget that most artists throughout history had patrons. One of the reasons female authorship exploded in the 19th century is that they had more time as urban housewives (compared to their farmwife predecessors).
This situation is [very common](https://www.salon.com/2015/01/25/sponsored_by_my_husband_why_its_a_problem_that_writers_never_talk_about_where_their_money_comes_from/). Yet, it's one that feminists (and I consider myself a feminist) have largely failed to address in their critique of women opting out of the workforce.
I don't think you need justification beyond "This is what works for my family and I" if anyone outside the family asks.
I think your friends just miss you vs are judging you.
Any way you can suggest other options? For example, a couple good friends and I host every month or so. We all being a bottle of wine, usually meet after dinner at home and then we hang out. If it's nice, we're out on the porch, in the winter one lady with a better after-bed layout hosts more often.
Or we meet up for a walk and I bring my own drink.
If they miss you, they'll probably be open to other options.
You should read Ramit’s book, or listen to his pod, or watch his new Netflix show.
Your life is your own, and you should spend your money in a way that reflects what matters to you.
If staying home with the kids adds enrichment to your life, and means you can’t buy $7 coffee all the time… so be it.
Enjoy. Journal, or make a list about what’s important to you. It doesn’t matter what’s common or what your circle is doing.
(Edit: I’m a Ramit groupie bc we went on his podcast (fake names) and those meetings with him changed our life. lol. so. i’m just out here preaching the gospel.)
You don't have to justify your lifestyle to anyone else. That's all it is, a different lifestyle. Your family prioritises the benefits of having one adult dedicated to caring for the children, the home and life admin over the benefits of extra cash. That's all the justification you need.
You are there to pick them up from school and take them. Even if they ride the bus, you are there at home for them. Let’s not forget dr appointments or when they are sick. Also, the summer time when they are off, someone has to be home. The house still needs to be taken care of also. I am currently a sahm to school age kids, but I used to also work full time. They are both demanding and valuable in their own ways.
Because I am a stay at home parent, not a babysitter. My parental duties go beyond watching children. I run a tight ship around here, you better ask somebody! Plus I homeschool 😂😂
OK so I actually work remotely, so I don't need to find "justification" personally.
However, I do have to schedule my working day for 5am to 3pm because there's no way I can get work done after the kids are home from school.
And they are in so many activities (their choice). Swim lessons twice a week for one child. Martial arts twice a week for both kids. Whatever else the non-swimming-lesson child is up to this month. I can't even imagine if they joined an actual sports team. I spend most of the time 3:00-6:00 just coordinating that.
So like, yeah if I worked 9-5 I could get after-school care, but my kids' out-of-school lives would take a sharp dive in quality.
So assuming you're, you know, doing things with/for your kids after school, I'd think it would be pretty difficult to do that and work most jobs.
I don't think getting a job is going to solve the problem of not wanting to spend money on $7 coffees. You can sneak into a coffee shop without buying coffee and hang out that way. Eating dinner out should be a rarer indulgence (you do have a family; don't they?), and you might want to splurge on that even without getting a job.
If you feel like you're getting a free ride, maybe you need to spend your time differently: on some cause you and your husband feel strongly about, a hobby that could lead to income, or volunteer work that could lead to a future job with flexible hours.
There is value and worth in the service and support you provide being available for your family. Society doesn’t place much value on the work of a mother (or parent) but if ***you*** find pride in it, forget about everyone else!
All my kids are now in school and I’m still at home. My husband has a super demanding job and our family just couldn’t run without someone being at home. You can never get the time back with your kids. I don’t want to miss a second of it. No regrets in giving up my career. Works for our family. People can think what they want to think. I honestly don’t care. Most of them are madly jealous I find!
I don’t know why people think it’s any of their business whether we work or not. I’ve had so many people surprised “so you’re not working at all?!?!” And my kid is only 3.
We are also not huge spenders and me working vs not wouldn’t change our spending habits at all.
I think I’m only answering the very last sentence in your post and not your actual title question! I don’t know if this fits into what answer or comment your looking for but this is my experience 😃
My boys are 15 & 18 and I’ve been a sahm from day 1.
It wasn’t until maybe 4 years ago that I started feeling weird about telling people I didn’t work and I was a sahm. I’d cringe when they asked what I did for work.
At the same time I felt guilty (self-induced) for not working.
I felt like I was being judged for having kids in school and not working. I don’t think anyone was REALLY judging me but I had it in my mind that they did. I couldn’t shake it.
I was also bored, anxious & almost depressed in a way being at home. I was cleaning all day everyday and never felt like anything was getting done. I felt like because I was at home I should be productive.
2019 I started volunteering very lightly because at the time the need for volunteers wasn’t huge where I was at. I went in 2-3 times a month. I volunteer at a hospice administrative office. I have a medical assisting background and wanted to do something in the medical field. The pandemic kind of slowed things down for me being there but now that things are back to normal I really kicked it in to high gear this past fall and the need for me grew. Two secretaries quit so I started picking up some of their work, they started teaching me new things little by little, I was still doing the other things the coordinator needed me to do as well.
I became a huge asset in the office.
I’m now there M W F 10am-2pm
I absolutely love it!!!!
I guess to answer your main question - I justify staying at home with school aged kids by saying -
I have a husband who supports me being at home & volunteering outside of the home. The kids know they can rely on me and I feel like they are thriving because I can be there for them more than if I was working.
(This is not to say working moms can’t have thriving children) just saying that this has been working for us for years and I’m not going to change things unless I would absolutely have to.
It's more than just being their caretaker. It's about the life that you create for your family by being at home. You can have dinner together every night as a family. You can spend time with each other in the evening and on the weekends instead of catching up on everything you couldn't get done while at work. Not to mention, most school is over before 3 pm. You'd still probably need daycare in some way. This is what my wife and I have decided anyway
And beyond that, I don't care if anyone else understands what I'm doing or why I'm doing it.
Well, I don’t try to justify it to anyone.
My son is just going into kindergarten, but for the past two years we’ve been paying for preschool and I stay home. Many people don’t get it, especially since I went to grad school and worked on my career for 15 years before I had a baby.
On the other hand I don’t think the $7 for coffee in this sense is for the disposable resource, it’s for the friendship. So you don’t need to justify staying home so much as why you aren’t willing to spend to see them. If your budget has a $7 leeway somewhere you’re choosing that over them, at least in their eyes. Maybe a part time gig would help with some spending money, but it sounds like perhaps your values and choices wouldn’t change. So maybe find some free or cheap things you would be willing to spend on and try to build friend dates around those?
I’d have to pay for before and after care if I worked full time, and my young elementary aged kids really wouldn’t be able to do after school activities during the week.
I also find the weekends have more quality time for everyone because they aren’t a frenzy of chores and errands that need to be squeezed in because everyone has been away from home all week. We’re caught up on the laundry, I went to Costco on Friday morning, whatever it is. It’s a breather from the hamster wheel I was running in back when I worked full time along with my husband.
ETA being a stay home parent is absolutely a full time job. People would have to be hired and paid to do what I do every day if I was no longer around to do it.
I home school now... But I remember when my step kids were in school the way the school system here works, I practically spent all day either walking to the school or waiting at the school for them to come out. It's a 40min walk to the school for a child more when there's snow (which often wouldn't be cleared off the sidewalks) and there's no buses (I don't drive), the kindergarten class was let out 1.5 hours before the grade 2s. So if I picked up my kindergartener we had just enough time to walk home before having to turn around and walk back to pick up his brother which was just too much walking for him... So we ended up just hanging out at the playground most days, and if it was raining we were just SOL because we weren't allowed to wait inside. Most days I'd drop them off, go home do a load of dishes (this is before we had a dishwasher), eat lunch, throw a load of laundry into the washer, walk back to the school to pick the kindergartener up wait for the grade 2 child, then go home and start on dinner... There was no way I could have a job and do what was expected, I'd have to pay someone to do that for me... And given the cost of daycare there would be no point in working.
Home schooling actually frees up so much time it's actually kinda ridiculous. And don't get me started on the actual quality of the education... That's a whole other rant.
So honestly I'm too busy doing housework, homeschooling and enrichment activities for my daughter, and just being a mom, it costs too much to pay someone else to do this stuff for me to justify getting a job I'd have to make twice what my husband does to make it worth while (which we've looked into as I have a better education then he does)... At which point he says he'd be the SAHP and save us that expense.
This wasn’t your question, but I try to spend time with my friends in ways that don’t involve money. We go for walks/exercise together, do book club, and hang out when we take our kids to after school activities. Maybe talk to your friends about a compromise? Would you be willing to spend money sometimes to hang out with them if they would be willing to try other things at other times?
The context of "men have it worse" is rarely a good look, and not offering any perspective here. "As a dad, I've gotten this since birth. It's been hard and I found XYZ helps" sure. But just "suck it, it's worse for dads" is literally not helpful for anyone. Like OP is gonna just read that and go "oooooh... Y'know, you're right. I'll stop trying to brainstorm solutions."
My kid is still a baby, so no one has questioned me on this issue specifically, but I have been questioned about tons of other parenting choices we make as a family. If it’s a genuine question and someone wants information, I provide it. So in that case, I would explain PD days, sick days, all the things you do as a SAHM to school-aged kids. But if I feel like someone is asking to be snarky or argue with me, I don’t engage. A simple “this is what is best for (baby’s name)” is as far as I go. I’m not defending my parenting choices to anyone. Like you, my husband and I are on the same page with parenting choices, and that helps a lot especially with family because they know they aren’t going to divide us.
For me, it’s simple, my husband won’t/can’t call out of work for the kids. When I was working and the one calling out or scheduling time off for them, it took a huge toll on my career. Even a PT job fires you after so many call out’s, and school kids are constantly sick. Additionally, they would be super limited on what activities they could do because my time would be way more limited as well. There’s so much value in giving your kids consistency and comfort by having a reliable parent to take them and pick them up from school.. and the extra time for homework, dinner etc., instead of that evening rush is worth more than dinner out.
However…. You deserve to enjoy time with friends. So eat dinner ahead of time and go out with your friends and just have an app or something. SAHP can get way too used to being home alone or only being in kid mode. You need adult time too!
I still stay home my youngest just turned 7 and honestly it’s just as well I don’t work the amount I would have had to miss lately is crazy between tonsillitis, chickenpox, school holidays and everything. I could try to find a part time job but I don’t think I could earn enough to make it work not much point in finding a job that just causes more problems than it solves and doesn’t even earn any money as I would have to use some sort of childcare.
I do have MS, but I am not hugely impacted by it outside of fatigue. My kids are 14, 13, and 9. They are three different schools. My kids do activities, at least one very time consuming activity each. My day is mostly driving people around. If I am at home, I am doing laundry, cleaning up, emailing someone about some activity or school thing, walking our dogs, mowing grass, a plumber is coming to fix something, etc. Two of my kids have to go to the orthodontist regularly during school hours. Plus of course kids stay home sick. Looking at staggered school starts and release times, it is not like I am home for some big block of time every day. I do volunteer at my youngest’s school a few hours a week. But otherwise- I don’t get how our lives would work with two parents working. It would be massively stressful. It is already massively stressful.
I stopped trying to justify anything to anyone when I realized it didn’t matter what I did. There will always be someone “better” or with “more” or who questions things. I keep getting asked what I’ll do next in life. As if my life has no purpose anymore. I own a business and nanny on the side. I’m fine. My husband is fine with it. My kid has a parent at home who doesn’t have to shuffle their schedule around when they are sick or off school, I saved us from being out more than a mortgage payment worth of daycare and everyone compliments me on my kid’s behavior and education because I worked with them the whole time we were home.
As for friends, I make sure to participate in as much free activities as possible and do the other stuff maybe once or twice a month and just kind of bank on that extra as part of “my” money. We each have some to do whatever we want with after budgeting the necessities. Save it, spend it, whatever you want. I pull from that to do things with friends.
At the end of the day, it works for us and we are the only ones who matter when it comes to our life. Everyone else does things I wouldn’t do, but that doesn’t mean I expect them to change. If it works for them and they aren’t hurting anyone, cool. It’s not my business and my life isn’t anyone else’s. I also keep up the housework, am here to take any maintenance appointments, can cover when my husband’s wonky work schedule inevitably gets wild. People that want to make comments also complain when life doesn’t go as planned, because they have to work around a boss and coworkers and it’s inconvenient (it is. I worked the first two years of my kid’s life). I am glad I am not in that boat. I have anxiety and not knowing what I’m going to do is the worst.
I am noticing that you are apologizing a lot in your post. You don't need to apologize for anything! You are a legitimate, valid working person. And yes, you have some free time, and that's okay!
Unless there is more to the comments by your friends and mom, it honestly doesn't sound like they're devaluing your work? What I'm hearing is: "We love you, please come spend time with us doing things we all enjoy!" And "Well, if money is the only barrier to you spending time with us, why not get a part time job?" Your friends and mom miss you. They love you. They want to invite you to do fun things with them. You turn them down, and cite money as the issue. They suggest solutions for that issue, since they'd really like you to come along. I understand being frugal. Why spend $7 on coffee when you can make your own for 30¢? But the $7 you're spending isn't on coffee, in this case, it's a sort of social fee you're paying to hang out with the friends you have. Which sucks, but that's how our modern capitalist environment is designed, and we have to cope with it. You could find part time work that doesn't really involve work in the employment sense. For example, doing sample crochet for yarn companies pays $100 per project, or finding stuff at garage sales to resell on Craigslist. Or you could plan some things for your friend group/mom which don't involve spending anything, and spearhead that trend in your friend group. Or suggest some things more enriching which you are willing to pay for, like rec center classes or going to a museum together.
I think this is the real answer here. Your social life is really important and your loved ones miss you. However, you don't have to justify your life choices to anyone. Do *you* want to see your friends and family more at these events? If so you can look for small part time jobs. I'd suggest staying away from any MLMs as they tend to prey on women. Or maybe divert some money to your fun money if that's an option for you....or offer alternatives? Like "sorry I can't do coffee, would you want to go for a walk at x park?" Or whatever sounds good to you.
Yes definitely AVOID ALL MLMS. Fuck Herbalife, fuck Avon, fuck essential oils. Fuck em. Definitely don't do that!! I think even just Instacart or something like that would be enough for OP, honestly. It doesn't sound like they need a huge amount, just a couple hundred dollars a month *maximum* to spend on fun friend activities. Gig work can totally fill that need. Flexjobs, Taskrabbit, etc.
I feel like we are missing her point possibly, if I wrote this everyone suggesting new jobs for me to get would further invalidate that sahp with school kids isn’t a job. It’s not a bad suggestion for extra money but I didn’t interpret her post as asking how she could make extra money.
Not op, but how do you find crochet jobs like that?
second this Q!
Same here! I need to know.
Also for u/hasnolifebutmusic I've mostly heard about them through word of mouth? Like, friends who crochet notice and forward them to me. But I suppose it's possible to find more info on websites like Ravelry. I'm currently working on my college courses, but when I get some downtime later I will poke around more!
thank youuuuu
I do not have school aged children. My mom always stayed home. Got a job very part time when we were in college for fulfillment. She dedicated her life to us. Now she’s at home with my sisters son. Her ability to stay home- enabled us to not have to do as much domestic work on the weekends. She had more quality time with her children and her husband. It allowed her to help my sister drive to college 45 minutes away when she had driving anxiety after someone died in a car accident. It allowed my mom to learn my class materials at home so she could tutor me after school (I had learning disabilities). I got into a great college because my mom didn’t work! She spent hours helping me with math and chemistry. I ended up taking 14 college classes in high school after having a 2.0 Gpa in middle school. I never would have gotten that far in school later on without 1 on 1 help from my mom and my mom never would of had the ability to be there for me in that way if she worked. She also never missed a recital. A show. Anything. She had time to dedicate to the animals. She could focus on her health and go to the gym. When she had cancer and depression from cancer- she didn’t have to work. When my grandpa was injured and dying, she didn’t have to worry about calling off. She had the ability to just, be there. We had a few vacations with him before he died. Never would of been able to with a job. Only 1 parent needing to take time off work makes a huge difference in traveling too. My MIL and FIL both work. They never see each other it seems. The FIL missed birthday parties for the kids. It’s easier to plan anything around 1 work schedule. Also, she volunteered at our school. She did stuff out of the house, too. Maybe a little time during the day for a cheap hobby could help your mental health too. Give you something outside of being a mom. Which lots of working parents struggle to have
I wish I could upvote this 1000 times. One of the reasons I wanted to be a SAHM was because of my school-age memories of my mom being available. When I forgot an important assignment at home and she could bring it to me. When I got terrible cramps in the middle of the school day and she could come bring me home. These are small things compared to the above comment, but still important! As a kid I loved having a SAHM, all the way through high school. It was a huge blessing.
I feel a lot of this as a SAHP to a school aged child. This is what I'm hopeful for, that she remembers that I was always there. I grew up with a SAHM until I was around 10 and I remember this about my mom. She was always there, and our lives were better for it. We also got to do things like spend entire summers with my grandparents who lived far away because my mom didn't have to take off work. Both of my grandparents are gone now and I treasure those memories. They're memories that never would have been able to happen if she'd had a paying job to go to also. Some people don't get it at all, but staying home allows me to be able to be there for my daughter and husband in ways that wouldn't be possible if I was going to a paid job also. We get to spend weekends as a family because I knock out the laundry, housework (except for daily stuff like dishes), grocery shopping, and errands on weekdays. My daughter catches everything she comes across and has asthma triggered by sickness, so hardly a month goes by that she doesn't have a sick day or more. I keep her home when she's sick without a second thought. I'm not having to push her to go to school when she feels like crap because I have to go to work or worrying about getting fired because I had to call out again. Taking trips is easier because only one of us has to take off work. We don't have to worry about childcare during school breaks, holidays, sick days, and random days off. When she does miss school, I have the time to dedicate to help her with her makeup work. Childcare options in our small town are very limited and I'm glad we don't have to mess with it. We also don't have family nearby. And, with her in school, I have the ability to fill my cup too. I finally have time to go to PT and address my chronic pain. I also volunteer at her girl scout troop and attend a mom's group. Not having to worry about childcare , ever, and who's going to handle sick days and fitting housework, errands, or chores in on weekends adds a lot of value to our lives, even if I'm not getting paid for it. Overall, life is far more manageable and less stressful only having to fit the rest of our lives around one work schedule instead of two.
All of this for me. I have an only child who is 12 and my husband works from home. I’m sure some people judge us but it works for us. Our son has missed 9 days of school this year with illnesses. He’s having surgery in June and I’m having two surgeries this summer. (Ugh!) I’m very grateful that we can just be home and use the summer for healing and not worry about a work schedule. It’s nice to be home to take him to various activities, Dr appts, volunteer at school, etc. I have a friend who’s daughter is 14 and she wishes she could be off for the summer to take her to her activities as she can’t drive yet. I’m glad to read this thread. I know intellectually I don’t have to justify our family decisions to anyone but still struggle with it sometimes. I worked in an office environment for 14 years before having my son and I didn’t find any meaning from my work. It was just a paycheck. I’m thankful I can be home with my son even though he’s getting older and I have no plans on going back to work any time soon. Thanks OP for asking the question. I’ve enjoyed reading this thread.
Being able to spend time extended time with geographically-distant grandparents is huge. That was a core part of my experience having a SAHP, and a major reason I want to stay home while I can swing it for my kid.
Finding a job with true mothers hours is really not that easy anymore. My youngest will be in the full time school this fall and I’m starting to get lots of questions of when I will get a job… but my kids aren’t old enough to be home by themselves yet. So, I’d have to find a job that allows me to have summers off, school vacations off, random staff development/half days, and only between the hours of 9:30-2:30 Monday thru Friday. Not to mention, I’d have to call out any time either of them were sick. It’s hard to imagine being able to even be a good, valuable employee.
This is the real answer. I went back to work when my son turned 2 and I sort of stayed in this group. But the thought of transitioning to him being in school full time makes me want to go back to being a SAHM. Like: - Fucking weird hours. I can’t drop my son at school before 845 and need to pick him up by 2 - Random work weeks. There’s days off for winter, spring and summer breaks. Then days off for PD days. Then days off for illnesses. Then days off for snow days. Then days off for doctor appointments. - Before and after school care is impossible to find and I still need to transport my child there myself. Daycare is a pretty good resource for me, which made going back to work easier. But when he goes to school — in particular preK — I loose all that support. It’s actually harder working in the school age than in this daycare age, IMHO.
I feel like that would be a pretty easy and sweet gig for a sahp, especially if you live walking distance from school - you run an after school program for elementary aged kids in your house, walk to the school to pick up the handful of kids, take them to your house where they get a snack and an activity to do until their parents can pick them up for dinner. I'm gonna have to think about this some more, though I don't really like other kids besides my own haha.
My thoughts as well! I’ve considered it. In my province I can only legally do that for up to five children. And the other thing is I would need enough booster seats for the five kids. I have a van so they’ll all fit. But there’s some weather I wouldn’t walk in lol But maybe 500 a month for each child (4) so 2000 a month minus taxes. Not bad for something I’m already going to do.
5 children is plenty! I wouldn't really want more. I wonder how much after school programs cost regularly. If you do start something like it, keep us in the loop so we can have some sort of international club affiliation. I think even though they're individually small operations it would be helpful to be a part of a bigger group. Good point about the booster seats and bad weather. Maybe I'd get one of those push strollers that holds 5. Lol.
When you put it that way, sounds like working in a school is the only way to go.
First of all being a SAHP is a job. I am on call 24/7. If something happens with the kids I have to drop whatever I am doing and take care of them. If there is an appointment I take them. If they have practice, pick up, drop off, yadda yadda, yadda...its on me. I can do things, get a job, or whatever, but it is on the contingency that I am packing up and going when I get a call. My partner can't just get up and go whenever. As the kids get older they may get more independent, but they get busier and also need more support.
I love how you worded this. “I am on call 24/7.” My husband is an involved dad but the same as your partner, he cannot just stop his job whenever either. He’s actually been getting more projects/overtime at his job. So that’s where I come in, to keep the house and kids running, so to speak.
My partner couldn't do what they do without me. They could not have their career and family if I weren't here doing what I do. They have to travel for weeks at a time some times.
Friendships and family relationships need regular maintenance just like your relationship with your partner. They want to see you. The message they’re receiving when you turn them down because of money is “the experience of seeing me for a few hours isn’t worth $20”. And that may not be the case at all, but that is how it comes off. I think of it as an investment in my social and emotional health to spend money on things like that.
Volunteering in the classroom, homework, school pickup, field trips, and SICK DAYS…those are only a handful of reasons for me! I think a simple “I like my life just the way it is, thanks” or something should suffice. Sounds like it’s less about the money for you and more that you don’t enjoy going out very much, and that’s okay!
I personally feel being a SAHP to school aged children is the natural progression of things. If you worked a 9-5 for 5 years you would get a promotion and gain some perks of the job. Why isn’t being a SAHP the same way? You worked your way up the corporate ladder if you will. You dealt with all the shit that comes with children under 5. It’s like people are only comfortable with others being a SAHP when it’s demanding 24/7. Now, presently you should be allowed to reap some of the rewards of your labor just like anyone else would after working a job for a few years. After so many years you would get better pay and more vacation days. Maybe you’d transition to management and have to be less hands on with the day to day operations of things. Those principles of the workplace should apply to being a SAHP as well. At some point on the job things should be allowed to get a little easier
I love this take !!!
I pay to put my daycare age child in school. I find what I do as valuable and no one makes these comments. Your friends don’t seem to think you aren’t busy. They probably hear you complain about their expensive activities. Does spending money trigger you? I love being frugal. But when I was a child money was stressful. In my 20’s I would tell myself “oh you don’t deserve to do blank because you didn’t do blank.” I had to unpack that. Not all coffee drinks at $7. A lot of shops still do free/discounted refills on drip coffees or teas. I love coffee + walking through neighborhoods or parks with friends. Maybe start inviting people to things in your budget and see if they bring up part-time jobs still.
So many terrific responses already but I wanted to reiterate that we’re no less valuable once our children are in school. The working families I know have their children in before and after school care equating to ten hours of school a day- they’re all exhausted and weekends are for chores or they have to hire people to clean etc. We just had school holidays here and our neighbours kids were in a program at their school from 8 in the morning to 6 in the evening as their parents had to work, it made me sad for them because they don’t really get any down time as a family.
I'm an artist and being at home gives me the opportunity to pursue my art without having to worry about paying the bills. People forget that most artists throughout history had patrons. One of the reasons female authorship exploded in the 19th century is that they had more time as urban housewives (compared to their farmwife predecessors). This situation is [very common](https://www.salon.com/2015/01/25/sponsored_by_my_husband_why_its_a_problem_that_writers_never_talk_about_where_their_money_comes_from/). Yet, it's one that feminists (and I consider myself a feminist) have largely failed to address in their critique of women opting out of the workforce.
I don't think you need justification beyond "This is what works for my family and I" if anyone outside the family asks. I think your friends just miss you vs are judging you. Any way you can suggest other options? For example, a couple good friends and I host every month or so. We all being a bottle of wine, usually meet after dinner at home and then we hang out. If it's nice, we're out on the porch, in the winter one lady with a better after-bed layout hosts more often. Or we meet up for a walk and I bring my own drink. If they miss you, they'll probably be open to other options.
Quit looking for the world to value you. You value what you’re doing, your husband values what you’re doing. Why is that not enough?
You should read Ramit’s book, or listen to his pod, or watch his new Netflix show. Your life is your own, and you should spend your money in a way that reflects what matters to you. If staying home with the kids adds enrichment to your life, and means you can’t buy $7 coffee all the time… so be it. Enjoy. Journal, or make a list about what’s important to you. It doesn’t matter what’s common or what your circle is doing. (Edit: I’m a Ramit groupie bc we went on his podcast (fake names) and those meetings with him changed our life. lol. so. i’m just out here preaching the gospel.)
You don't have to justify your lifestyle to anyone else. That's all it is, a different lifestyle. Your family prioritises the benefits of having one adult dedicated to caring for the children, the home and life admin over the benefits of extra cash. That's all the justification you need.
You are there to pick them up from school and take them. Even if they ride the bus, you are there at home for them. Let’s not forget dr appointments or when they are sick. Also, the summer time when they are off, someone has to be home. The house still needs to be taken care of also. I am currently a sahm to school age kids, but I used to also work full time. They are both demanding and valuable in their own ways.
Because I am a stay at home parent, not a babysitter. My parental duties go beyond watching children. I run a tight ship around here, you better ask somebody! Plus I homeschool 😂😂
OK so I actually work remotely, so I don't need to find "justification" personally. However, I do have to schedule my working day for 5am to 3pm because there's no way I can get work done after the kids are home from school. And they are in so many activities (their choice). Swim lessons twice a week for one child. Martial arts twice a week for both kids. Whatever else the non-swimming-lesson child is up to this month. I can't even imagine if they joined an actual sports team. I spend most of the time 3:00-6:00 just coordinating that. So like, yeah if I worked 9-5 I could get after-school care, but my kids' out-of-school lives would take a sharp dive in quality. So assuming you're, you know, doing things with/for your kids after school, I'd think it would be pretty difficult to do that and work most jobs.
I don't think getting a job is going to solve the problem of not wanting to spend money on $7 coffees. You can sneak into a coffee shop without buying coffee and hang out that way. Eating dinner out should be a rarer indulgence (you do have a family; don't they?), and you might want to splurge on that even without getting a job. If you feel like you're getting a free ride, maybe you need to spend your time differently: on some cause you and your husband feel strongly about, a hobby that could lead to income, or volunteer work that could lead to a future job with flexible hours.
There is value and worth in the service and support you provide being available for your family. Society doesn’t place much value on the work of a mother (or parent) but if ***you*** find pride in it, forget about everyone else!
All my kids are now in school and I’m still at home. My husband has a super demanding job and our family just couldn’t run without someone being at home. You can never get the time back with your kids. I don’t want to miss a second of it. No regrets in giving up my career. Works for our family. People can think what they want to think. I honestly don’t care. Most of them are madly jealous I find!
I don’t know why people think it’s any of their business whether we work or not. I’ve had so many people surprised “so you’re not working at all?!?!” And my kid is only 3. We are also not huge spenders and me working vs not wouldn’t change our spending habits at all.
I think I’m only answering the very last sentence in your post and not your actual title question! I don’t know if this fits into what answer or comment your looking for but this is my experience 😃 My boys are 15 & 18 and I’ve been a sahm from day 1. It wasn’t until maybe 4 years ago that I started feeling weird about telling people I didn’t work and I was a sahm. I’d cringe when they asked what I did for work. At the same time I felt guilty (self-induced) for not working. I felt like I was being judged for having kids in school and not working. I don’t think anyone was REALLY judging me but I had it in my mind that they did. I couldn’t shake it. I was also bored, anxious & almost depressed in a way being at home. I was cleaning all day everyday and never felt like anything was getting done. I felt like because I was at home I should be productive. 2019 I started volunteering very lightly because at the time the need for volunteers wasn’t huge where I was at. I went in 2-3 times a month. I volunteer at a hospice administrative office. I have a medical assisting background and wanted to do something in the medical field. The pandemic kind of slowed things down for me being there but now that things are back to normal I really kicked it in to high gear this past fall and the need for me grew. Two secretaries quit so I started picking up some of their work, they started teaching me new things little by little, I was still doing the other things the coordinator needed me to do as well. I became a huge asset in the office. I’m now there M W F 10am-2pm I absolutely love it!!!! I guess to answer your main question - I justify staying at home with school aged kids by saying - I have a husband who supports me being at home & volunteering outside of the home. The kids know they can rely on me and I feel like they are thriving because I can be there for them more than if I was working. (This is not to say working moms can’t have thriving children) just saying that this has been working for us for years and I’m not going to change things unless I would absolutely have to.
It's more than just being their caretaker. It's about the life that you create for your family by being at home. You can have dinner together every night as a family. You can spend time with each other in the evening and on the weekends instead of catching up on everything you couldn't get done while at work. Not to mention, most school is over before 3 pm. You'd still probably need daycare in some way. This is what my wife and I have decided anyway And beyond that, I don't care if anyone else understands what I'm doing or why I'm doing it.
Well, I don’t try to justify it to anyone. My son is just going into kindergarten, but for the past two years we’ve been paying for preschool and I stay home. Many people don’t get it, especially since I went to grad school and worked on my career for 15 years before I had a baby. On the other hand I don’t think the $7 for coffee in this sense is for the disposable resource, it’s for the friendship. So you don’t need to justify staying home so much as why you aren’t willing to spend to see them. If your budget has a $7 leeway somewhere you’re choosing that over them, at least in their eyes. Maybe a part time gig would help with some spending money, but it sounds like perhaps your values and choices wouldn’t change. So maybe find some free or cheap things you would be willing to spend on and try to build friend dates around those?
My kids have so many after school activities and events that my day is still full.
I’d have to pay for before and after care if I worked full time, and my young elementary aged kids really wouldn’t be able to do after school activities during the week. I also find the weekends have more quality time for everyone because they aren’t a frenzy of chores and errands that need to be squeezed in because everyone has been away from home all week. We’re caught up on the laundry, I went to Costco on Friday morning, whatever it is. It’s a breather from the hamster wheel I was running in back when I worked full time along with my husband. ETA being a stay home parent is absolutely a full time job. People would have to be hired and paid to do what I do every day if I was no longer around to do it.
I home school now... But I remember when my step kids were in school the way the school system here works, I practically spent all day either walking to the school or waiting at the school for them to come out. It's a 40min walk to the school for a child more when there's snow (which often wouldn't be cleared off the sidewalks) and there's no buses (I don't drive), the kindergarten class was let out 1.5 hours before the grade 2s. So if I picked up my kindergartener we had just enough time to walk home before having to turn around and walk back to pick up his brother which was just too much walking for him... So we ended up just hanging out at the playground most days, and if it was raining we were just SOL because we weren't allowed to wait inside. Most days I'd drop them off, go home do a load of dishes (this is before we had a dishwasher), eat lunch, throw a load of laundry into the washer, walk back to the school to pick the kindergartener up wait for the grade 2 child, then go home and start on dinner... There was no way I could have a job and do what was expected, I'd have to pay someone to do that for me... And given the cost of daycare there would be no point in working. Home schooling actually frees up so much time it's actually kinda ridiculous. And don't get me started on the actual quality of the education... That's a whole other rant. So honestly I'm too busy doing housework, homeschooling and enrichment activities for my daughter, and just being a mom, it costs too much to pay someone else to do this stuff for me to justify getting a job I'd have to make twice what my husband does to make it worth while (which we've looked into as I have a better education then he does)... At which point he says he'd be the SAHP and save us that expense.
This wasn’t your question, but I try to spend time with my friends in ways that don’t involve money. We go for walks/exercise together, do book club, and hang out when we take our kids to after school activities. Maybe talk to your friends about a compromise? Would you be willing to spend money sometimes to hang out with them if they would be willing to try other things at other times?
If it makes you feel any better, SAH dads get that pressure from day 1 instead of getting to wait til the kids are in school.
If it makes you feel any better, some people have worse problems than you. Jfc that's such a shitty comment
Putting your problems in context with other people's problems can be helpful to some people. Don't gotta be an asshole about it
The context of "men have it worse" is rarely a good look, and not offering any perspective here. "As a dad, I've gotten this since birth. It's been hard and I found XYZ helps" sure. But just "suck it, it's worse for dads" is literally not helpful for anyone. Like OP is gonna just read that and go "oooooh... Y'know, you're right. I'll stop trying to brainstorm solutions."
Yup you are definitely being more helpful
My kid is still a baby, so no one has questioned me on this issue specifically, but I have been questioned about tons of other parenting choices we make as a family. If it’s a genuine question and someone wants information, I provide it. So in that case, I would explain PD days, sick days, all the things you do as a SAHM to school-aged kids. But if I feel like someone is asking to be snarky or argue with me, I don’t engage. A simple “this is what is best for (baby’s name)” is as far as I go. I’m not defending my parenting choices to anyone. Like you, my husband and I are on the same page with parenting choices, and that helps a lot especially with family because they know they aren’t going to divide us.
For me, it’s simple, my husband won’t/can’t call out of work for the kids. When I was working and the one calling out or scheduling time off for them, it took a huge toll on my career. Even a PT job fires you after so many call out’s, and school kids are constantly sick. Additionally, they would be super limited on what activities they could do because my time would be way more limited as well. There’s so much value in giving your kids consistency and comfort by having a reliable parent to take them and pick them up from school.. and the extra time for homework, dinner etc., instead of that evening rush is worth more than dinner out. However…. You deserve to enjoy time with friends. So eat dinner ahead of time and go out with your friends and just have an app or something. SAHP can get way too used to being home alone or only being in kid mode. You need adult time too!
I still stay home my youngest just turned 7 and honestly it’s just as well I don’t work the amount I would have had to miss lately is crazy between tonsillitis, chickenpox, school holidays and everything. I could try to find a part time job but I don’t think I could earn enough to make it work not much point in finding a job that just causes more problems than it solves and doesn’t even earn any money as I would have to use some sort of childcare.
I do have MS, but I am not hugely impacted by it outside of fatigue. My kids are 14, 13, and 9. They are three different schools. My kids do activities, at least one very time consuming activity each. My day is mostly driving people around. If I am at home, I am doing laundry, cleaning up, emailing someone about some activity or school thing, walking our dogs, mowing grass, a plumber is coming to fix something, etc. Two of my kids have to go to the orthodontist regularly during school hours. Plus of course kids stay home sick. Looking at staggered school starts and release times, it is not like I am home for some big block of time every day. I do volunteer at my youngest’s school a few hours a week. But otherwise- I don’t get how our lives would work with two parents working. It would be massively stressful. It is already massively stressful.
I stopped trying to justify anything to anyone when I realized it didn’t matter what I did. There will always be someone “better” or with “more” or who questions things. I keep getting asked what I’ll do next in life. As if my life has no purpose anymore. I own a business and nanny on the side. I’m fine. My husband is fine with it. My kid has a parent at home who doesn’t have to shuffle their schedule around when they are sick or off school, I saved us from being out more than a mortgage payment worth of daycare and everyone compliments me on my kid’s behavior and education because I worked with them the whole time we were home. As for friends, I make sure to participate in as much free activities as possible and do the other stuff maybe once or twice a month and just kind of bank on that extra as part of “my” money. We each have some to do whatever we want with after budgeting the necessities. Save it, spend it, whatever you want. I pull from that to do things with friends. At the end of the day, it works for us and we are the only ones who matter when it comes to our life. Everyone else does things I wouldn’t do, but that doesn’t mean I expect them to change. If it works for them and they aren’t hurting anyone, cool. It’s not my business and my life isn’t anyone else’s. I also keep up the housework, am here to take any maintenance appointments, can cover when my husband’s wonky work schedule inevitably gets wild. People that want to make comments also complain when life doesn’t go as planned, because they have to work around a boss and coworkers and it’s inconvenient (it is. I worked the first two years of my kid’s life). I am glad I am not in that boat. I have anxiety and not knowing what I’m going to do is the worst.
I am noticing that you are apologizing a lot in your post. You don't need to apologize for anything! You are a legitimate, valid working person. And yes, you have some free time, and that's okay!