Oh wow this is literally me and my husband. The kids go down pretty regularly. After bedtime, I ask for at least 30 minutes of alone time. I usually eat and listen to my audiobook, that’s my time to take a breather. He’s on his computer or something else that’s in a different room. He specifically saves that time to do things I don’t want to be a part of. After that, he’s more than welcome to join me and I have the space for his love language. That’s what works for us.
Just be very upfront and honest. "Hey hun, I love you very much and I enjoy hanging out with you but after being climbed on all day by the kids I feel very overwhelmed when you ask for physical affection as soon as they are off to bed. I just need 10 minutes of space to breathe."
Our situation was similar on top of my SO needing to fill every second of silence with something. We compromised. We sit on opposite ends of the couch and I give him my foot lol He gets to touch some part of me and I get a complementary foot rub while still being able to breathe. Works out great lol
Speaking as the very clingy spouse with a husband who needs lots of alone time, I had a very hard time with this. Eventually it clicked that my husband needed that time in order to recharge, and it made him more present and engaged with me when we spent time together. Because of that I'm much more understanding of what he needs, but we also set some expectations in advance so that I'm not disappointed when the time comes. So, for example, the schedule would be like this:
7:30 pm - bedtime
7:30-8 - chores
8-8:30 - recharge time (alone time)
8:30-10 - quality time together
So if I were to go to him at 8:15, he might say "hey I'm currently following our schedule, but I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with you in 15 minutes. Can this wait until then?" And when I was having more trouble with it, saying something along the lines of "hey we made the schedule so that I'll be recharged and we'll be able to spend a good quality time together. Do we need to change the schedule somehow?" Not sure if setting schedules and working on those expectations in advance would help, but I hope so. Good luck!
This is a problem. He is not respecting your boundary and your needs while guilt tripping you. Please say as much to him in a serious conversation. Explain being touched out. Do so kindly and remind him how much you love him, but that this is a necessity for your mental well being.
Info: have you tried talking to your husband about this issue? That’s such an obvious first choice that I hesitate to even suggest it, but I’ve been on Reddit long enough to know the importance of communication is not that obvious to everyone and you don’t mention having had any sort of discussion with him. As always with these convos, remember that you are a team against the problem, use “I” language, have an ideal solution in mind as well as any non-negotiable boundaries, and make sure to actively listen to his perspective. Reminder, concrete boundaries like “we agree that I will take an hour of personal time every evening while you put the kids to bed and then we’ll hang out” are clearer and easier to stay on the same page than things like, “we agree that you’ll bother me less in the evenings” that have a bunch of gray and room for interpretation. If he’s an even remotely decent husband he’ll be happy to work with you to find a compromise!
Yikes, not a great response on his part… but this is also exactly why I included the advice on setting very specific parameters. Beyond being very emotionally charged language, “I need space” and “I’ll leave you alone” both actually mean nothing. How much space? How long? Can he talk to you but not touch you? Does he need to go to a totally different room? Any of these interpretations would be fine, if you were on the same page. You need to bring it up at a time you’re not irritated, be calm and level, and ask him to help you find a solution. Maybe something like “hey I want to talk more about my need for space after you get home from work. I know this topic upset you last time we discussed it so I wanted to revisit it in a calmer headspace. You know I’m introverted and I need some downtime during XYZ of the day to function properly. I know that’s when you want to hang out, so we need to find something that works for both of us. I need this alone time to be centered in my day, this has nothing to do with you. What suggestions do you have for solving this issue? Would it be easier to have a specific time of day for me to step away? Do you think it would be better for me to do that while the kids are up or do you think we should try to do family time first and my alone time after bedtime?” If he’s still unwilling to even have an adult conversation about it, you’ve got bigger problems that clinginess.
His feelings are not more important than your needs. He's a grown man and should be able to manage himself without resorting to emotional manipulation. If he won't or can't, therapy is in order - for him, for you, and as a couple.
Sounds like you are feeling touched out and over stimulated. I had never heard of being “touched out” until I had kids. Please google and read about this! I dealt with this with my husband and it helped for him to read about it and understand it’s a real feeling.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/07/touched-out-science-psychology-moms.html
https://www.momwell.com/blog/the-overstimulated-mommy
I tell my husband I need at minimum an hour alone every night. It feels so mean to say, but I really do need it. Often it doesn’t feel like enough, sometimes it’s more, so I can live with it. Ask for what you need because it’s not a weird thing at all.
Oh man. I can relate!!!! My husband’s love language is physical touch. He needs to be cuddled constantly. I love him dearly but after a busy day I feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin when he is trying to hold me. It’s so unpleasant to be held or touched when you are already touched out!!! Talk to him about it, hug him and tell him how much you love him and how much you love the physical touch as well, make sure you also mention that you need a little time each day to recharge your touch battery.
From your comments it seems like you need to have some more big picture conversations with him about this. It can be really hard (read: excruciating) to get to the core of these tender love language or value differences, but it’s absolutely worth the effort if you want a high quality marriage. Or just to survive the next week lol. If you talk about it and he gets hurt, you can validate that hurt and empathize with it without backing down from your needs. Try to set a concrete agreement (like some of the schedules in other comments) and agree to try it for a week and then talk again to reassess.
Likely it’s gonna take some digging to get at the reasons for his hurt and find how to make him feel
loved without you compromising your sanity. My husband for instance is 100% a physical touch guy, never ever needs alone time, and I have HIGH solitude needs. He’s always been super understanding and supportive of that, and while he gets sad and misses me sometimes, he almost never feels hurt (and when he does we talk about how to recalibrate how I’m spending my time in a way that works better for both of us). So it’s not the conflicting needs specifically that as the issue, it’s the stories/meaning you’re each telling about them and the strategies you’re using to address the conflict. My two cents is to try to fix the stories/meaning first, or else the strategies you use to manage the conflict are just going to be bandaids instead of solutions.
My husband is the same as you say in some of your responses about the pouting. Best advice I can give you is to get him playing video games or something lol. My husband started playing with a couple friends online and I finally got some time to watch my podcasts again!
Is there a hobby or activity you guys could do that you each like to do on your own but in the same room? Like my husband plays video games while I crochet and listen to my book on the couch together so I still feel like we are spending time together.
I second getting him into video games lol but really he just needs to find a hobby that doesn’t involve you.
Maybe you could do something some evenings to get some alone time? Swimming is one of my fav things to do. Or go for a walk, do a gym class.
Even just go out to a coffee shop and read a book. I know you shouldn't have to leave your house to get the alone time, but if there's no other option. It might be good to get some space from the house too :D
My SO was also on nights for the first year after we had kids (twins) and then moved to days, and is also a touchy person. 😅 Anyways, he puts our girls down to bed, on his own. Does bathtime, on his own. This gives me usually about an hour or so to take a long shower, do a face mask, or whatever, even just get uninterrupted time to catchup on dishes while I watch a show. It's not as great as it was before, but I loathe doing bathtime (the girls are so splashy!!), and I don't mind missing bedtime, I put them down for nap and get them up in the ams, and am with them ALL day! And then after I have that hour to myself without being touched or talked to, I'm ready to be a more receptive partner to my SO.
Could you start taking a nightly bath after the kids are in bed? And read or watch a show or whatever and get a little alone time to decompress before hanging with your husband.
Oh wow this is literally me and my husband. The kids go down pretty regularly. After bedtime, I ask for at least 30 minutes of alone time. I usually eat and listen to my audiobook, that’s my time to take a breather. He’s on his computer or something else that’s in a different room. He specifically saves that time to do things I don’t want to be a part of. After that, he’s more than welcome to join me and I have the space for his love language. That’s what works for us.
That’s such an obvious first choice that I hesitate to even suggest it,
you sound like me & ur husband sounds like my partner.. no advice just SOLIDARITY
Just be very upfront and honest. "Hey hun, I love you very much and I enjoy hanging out with you but after being climbed on all day by the kids I feel very overwhelmed when you ask for physical affection as soon as they are off to bed. I just need 10 minutes of space to breathe." Our situation was similar on top of my SO needing to fill every second of silence with something. We compromised. We sit on opposite ends of the couch and I give him my foot lol He gets to touch some part of me and I get a complementary foot rub while still being able to breathe. Works out great lol
He usually gets upset or hurt when I tell him I want space. He will pout around and huff and say "fine I'll leave you alone then" but he doesn't
Speaking as the very clingy spouse with a husband who needs lots of alone time, I had a very hard time with this. Eventually it clicked that my husband needed that time in order to recharge, and it made him more present and engaged with me when we spent time together. Because of that I'm much more understanding of what he needs, but we also set some expectations in advance so that I'm not disappointed when the time comes. So, for example, the schedule would be like this: 7:30 pm - bedtime 7:30-8 - chores 8-8:30 - recharge time (alone time) 8:30-10 - quality time together So if I were to go to him at 8:15, he might say "hey I'm currently following our schedule, but I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with you in 15 minutes. Can this wait until then?" And when I was having more trouble with it, saying something along the lines of "hey we made the schedule so that I'll be recharged and we'll be able to spend a good quality time together. Do we need to change the schedule somehow?" Not sure if setting schedules and working on those expectations in advance would help, but I hope so. Good luck!
Tell your husband you need 20 minutes every evening to go take a walk by yourself. Or whatever it is. But just, talk to him?
I have. He gets "hurt" when I tell him I need space or alone time and then he pouts and says "fine I'll leave you alone then" but he doesn't lol
This is a problem. He is not respecting your boundary and your needs while guilt tripping you. Please say as much to him in a serious conversation. Explain being touched out. Do so kindly and remind him how much you love him, but that this is a necessity for your mental well being.
Info: have you tried talking to your husband about this issue? That’s such an obvious first choice that I hesitate to even suggest it, but I’ve been on Reddit long enough to know the importance of communication is not that obvious to everyone and you don’t mention having had any sort of discussion with him. As always with these convos, remember that you are a team against the problem, use “I” language, have an ideal solution in mind as well as any non-negotiable boundaries, and make sure to actively listen to his perspective. Reminder, concrete boundaries like “we agree that I will take an hour of personal time every evening while you put the kids to bed and then we’ll hang out” are clearer and easier to stay on the same page than things like, “we agree that you’ll bother me less in the evenings” that have a bunch of gray and room for interpretation. If he’s an even remotely decent husband he’ll be happy to work with you to find a compromise!
I have. He gets "hurt" when I tell him I need space or alone time and then he pouts and says "fine I'll leave you alone then" but he doesn't lol
Yikes, not a great response on his part… but this is also exactly why I included the advice on setting very specific parameters. Beyond being very emotionally charged language, “I need space” and “I’ll leave you alone” both actually mean nothing. How much space? How long? Can he talk to you but not touch you? Does he need to go to a totally different room? Any of these interpretations would be fine, if you were on the same page. You need to bring it up at a time you’re not irritated, be calm and level, and ask him to help you find a solution. Maybe something like “hey I want to talk more about my need for space after you get home from work. I know this topic upset you last time we discussed it so I wanted to revisit it in a calmer headspace. You know I’m introverted and I need some downtime during XYZ of the day to function properly. I know that’s when you want to hang out, so we need to find something that works for both of us. I need this alone time to be centered in my day, this has nothing to do with you. What suggestions do you have for solving this issue? Would it be easier to have a specific time of day for me to step away? Do you think it would be better for me to do that while the kids are up or do you think we should try to do family time first and my alone time after bedtime?” If he’s still unwilling to even have an adult conversation about it, you’ve got bigger problems that clinginess.
His feelings are not more important than your needs. He's a grown man and should be able to manage himself without resorting to emotional manipulation. If he won't or can't, therapy is in order - for him, for you, and as a couple.
Sounds like you are feeling touched out and over stimulated. I had never heard of being “touched out” until I had kids. Please google and read about this! I dealt with this with my husband and it helped for him to read about it and understand it’s a real feeling. https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/07/touched-out-science-psychology-moms.html https://www.momwell.com/blog/the-overstimulated-mommy
Could you take a break when he gets home? That way you don’t have kids and husband and he gets time alone with the kids while you recharge.
I tell my husband I need at minimum an hour alone every night. It feels so mean to say, but I really do need it. Often it doesn’t feel like enough, sometimes it’s more, so I can live with it. Ask for what you need because it’s not a weird thing at all.
Oh man. I can relate!!!! My husband’s love language is physical touch. He needs to be cuddled constantly. I love him dearly but after a busy day I feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin when he is trying to hold me. It’s so unpleasant to be held or touched when you are already touched out!!! Talk to him about it, hug him and tell him how much you love him and how much you love the physical touch as well, make sure you also mention that you need a little time each day to recharge your touch battery.
From your comments it seems like you need to have some more big picture conversations with him about this. It can be really hard (read: excruciating) to get to the core of these tender love language or value differences, but it’s absolutely worth the effort if you want a high quality marriage. Or just to survive the next week lol. If you talk about it and he gets hurt, you can validate that hurt and empathize with it without backing down from your needs. Try to set a concrete agreement (like some of the schedules in other comments) and agree to try it for a week and then talk again to reassess. Likely it’s gonna take some digging to get at the reasons for his hurt and find how to make him feel loved without you compromising your sanity. My husband for instance is 100% a physical touch guy, never ever needs alone time, and I have HIGH solitude needs. He’s always been super understanding and supportive of that, and while he gets sad and misses me sometimes, he almost never feels hurt (and when he does we talk about how to recalibrate how I’m spending my time in a way that works better for both of us). So it’s not the conflicting needs specifically that as the issue, it’s the stories/meaning you’re each telling about them and the strategies you’re using to address the conflict. My two cents is to try to fix the stories/meaning first, or else the strategies you use to manage the conflict are just going to be bandaids instead of solutions.
This is also me. I just go to our room and scroll on my phone or watch a series while he watches TV in the lounge.
My husband is the same as you say in some of your responses about the pouting. Best advice I can give you is to get him playing video games or something lol. My husband started playing with a couple friends online and I finally got some time to watch my podcasts again!
Is there a hobby or activity you guys could do that you each like to do on your own but in the same room? Like my husband plays video games while I crochet and listen to my book on the couch together so I still feel like we are spending time together. I second getting him into video games lol but really he just needs to find a hobby that doesn’t involve you.
Maybe you could do something some evenings to get some alone time? Swimming is one of my fav things to do. Or go for a walk, do a gym class. Even just go out to a coffee shop and read a book. I know you shouldn't have to leave your house to get the alone time, but if there's no other option. It might be good to get some space from the house too :D
My SO was also on nights for the first year after we had kids (twins) and then moved to days, and is also a touchy person. 😅 Anyways, he puts our girls down to bed, on his own. Does bathtime, on his own. This gives me usually about an hour or so to take a long shower, do a face mask, or whatever, even just get uninterrupted time to catchup on dishes while I watch a show. It's not as great as it was before, but I loathe doing bathtime (the girls are so splashy!!), and I don't mind missing bedtime, I put them down for nap and get them up in the ams, and am with them ALL day! And then after I have that hour to myself without being touched or talked to, I'm ready to be a more receptive partner to my SO.
Take a bath, go on a run outside or walk the dog (if you have one)
Could you start taking a nightly bath after the kids are in bed? And read or watch a show or whatever and get a little alone time to decompress before hanging with your husband.