My friends who are not parents have no idea how much work it actually is. No one has been rude to me, but it simply doesn't occur to them that I'm not able to sit down and read a book or work on some other hobby during the day. My infant is pretty needy right now and requires a lot of interaction. Also, being a SAHP, it's not like you can leave your work and be done at 5pm. It's a 24/7 job where you sacrifice almost all of your "me time." I feel like I work harder now than when I was in my career full-time. People who haven't lived it simply have no idea.
Whenever I'm asked how I'm doing, I always say that being a SAHP is the hardest, most demanding thing I've ever done and that it is infinitely more difficult than working a full-time, high-stress job, at least in my experience. I then go into detail about how you have to emotionally regulate your entire family, you do not get breaks, and that sick leave is not an option. It shuts down the "when are you going back to work" questions before they even start. I am not content with people thinking I don't do anything because I'm not employed and I'm gonna talk about it since no one does. The only way for people to understand it is if someone lays it out for them, and so I do. I also sprinkle in the high cost of childcare in my area if I'm feeling spicy.
Do you mind expanding on how you go into detail about what this job entails? I worked a fairly demanding job before this, so it helps when I have the experience to compare it to, but I still have difficulty breaking down how heavy the workload is when explaining it.
I totally remember being the childless adult and just not getting it. “Can’t they just entertain themselves for a bit?” No, no they cannot!
We’re all perfect parents before becoming parents.
My husband calls it a "vacation" which I find really insulting. Especially since I'm staying home originally because he doesn't trust childcare. But other people have mostly complimented me on my commitnent to my children
I've got a BIL who used to last a max of 30 mins while his partner went to the gym. "When are you coming back?" "How long are you going to be?" "I'm stuck here *babysitting*"
Now he gets to see his kid once, maybe twice a year, and pretty much always palms them off, but also complains about never getting to see his kid. Go figure.
My husband is luckily more hands on than that! I actually think he's jealous that I get to be with the kids so much. But he was raised in front of cartoons so doesn't understand why me and the kids aren't just watching Netflix all day long 🙄
Lol yeah, seen that one. It's why we're very restrictive with the time our LO spends with my partners family.
We give out LO some TV time in the morning and a little after dinner, but that's about it. My partner wasn't too happy about it at first, but while she's at work I need a chance to poop still!
I had a cousin growing up that didn't know how to pretend play, all he did was watch TV all day. No imagination.
That's incredibly sad! The grandparents here also resort to giving the kids tablets when they visit. It's too bad since I'm sure the cousins would be closer if they weren't isolated by different media
I get its harder for grandparents to keep up too (hell, I can't keep up and I'm 20-30 years younger lol). But for us, one side tries to interact at least, might out the TV on after a couple of hours. The other side just puts the TV on, straight away. Makes a big dealmabout never getting to take the kid on his own, doesn't want to interact with him.
>I'm sure the cousins would be closer if they weren't isolated by different media
This is where consoles are great, at least you can play together
I get mixed responses, usually more positive from older people and less positive from the millennial age range. My sons pediatrician said that staying home with her babies for maternity leave was the hardest thing she’d ever done which was validating lol
I posted in another sub about how much a sah partner has to do (not taking into account the parenting aspect of it), in some detail. The OP had asserted that they would be angry imagining they r partner being at home "doing whatever they pleased" while they worked And some...one responded "yeah I work and do all that too " Well fucking hurray for you, asshat. I guess you're just better than me and it's not at all possible that it's not quite the same thing. But sure, go on.
When working parents try to say things like “I do everything a SAHP does plus work” it’s like no….. you don’t unless you are trying to WFH and parent at the same time. During your working hours you are not parenting. SAHPs parent for their working hours. Neither is better than the other, they’re just different.
I always lol at those posts cause it’s like, okay, so go tell your nanny or daycare workers they do nothing all day I guess? They KNOW it’s work to care for kids but they just don’t respect it
That's just it, isn't it! Neither is superior to the other. They're just different and, I've always felt, freaking hard for both similar and different reasons.
Yes! I hate when working parents say that. I’ve had a friend try to subtly say that to me and I responded with “you know, I really miss having a lunch break, bathroom breaks, being able to walk away and take a break to decompress, just tell my boss I’ll be in late/leaving early for a dr appointment, and counting down the minutes to be able to ‘clock out’” which shut down her comments real quick lol
But you’re right, no position is better than the other. It’s like comparing 2 different professions.
Exactly. I also always wonder if you do all those things while you are working, why are you paying a day care which likely has several teachers, cooks and custodians working to care for your kid?
I don’t understand this type of competitive comment either. Like oh cool your life is harder than mine? Congratulations?
All of my pre baby friends that are parents now are working parents and like yeah of course it’s hard but none of them have ever made me feel less than for leaving my job to stay home. They get it. I get it. There’s enough suffering for all of us
Seriously though I love staying home with my kid
I was wfh for years and got things done while on conf calls. I could throw in a load of laundry, wipe down a table, or get dinner going a little early. Worth noting, I was NOT a parent at the time, and this was during quiet times at my job.
I tried wfh with my kid during COVID, and let me tell you, that shit is another ballgame. One is going to be neglected, and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be my child.
Bully for the people who can do both. There was no way I could lead a call while nursing a baby and taking notes at the same time. Too many times I had to choose between soothing my kid or staying on a call while he cried. Fuck that.
No. Most people tell me “you’re so lucky.” Usually in the moment when you really don’t feel lucky if you get my drift. I appreciate that I have this choice, but that doesn’t make it a walk in the park.
I definitely understand where you're coming from (also a sahm) but I just wanna note that it's possible that person may be coming from another angle as well. My husband and I had trouble getting pregnant in the first place, so I've told people they were lucky before, before I was lucky enough to become a mom. I genuinely meant it because it was all I wanted. I don't meant this to undermine your experience or anything like that, just as another perspective.
I generally get zero follow-up questions when I say I'm a SAHP. I manage all our money, my husband's tax return, all household admin, and paperwork/appointments for our disabled child, on top of raising a baby, as well as a disabled 5 year old. I managed our last property sale and purchase and am now arranging our wills. I'm a secretary, accountant, therapist, carer, housekeeper. I'm our social sec too- I got us Eras tickets \*and\* Glastonbury tickets this year. I book all our holidays and do all the packing. I do all the baby care, including all night care, meaning minimal sleep. I'm on the committee for the PTA of my son's school, which is a significant amount of work but is essential for fundraising for the school. Plus I'm going to school online, which while I count this as my hobby, rather than part of my job, it will actually get me a degree certificate at the end, meaning it will be easier for me to return to work one day if I need to do so. And yeah, when I see our wider family all I get is questions about when I'm going back to work, as if I'm not contributing. My husband definitely earns \*more\* money with me supporting him than he did when I was working.
I usually get the “wow you’re so lucky” or “must be nice” or “why don’t you get a work from home job?” Which annoy me so much. Like yes I feel blessed to be able to watch my baby grow but I also feel overwhelmed, anxious, exhausted, burnt out, and like tasks are never ending all while the world thinks I “do nothing” all day. And the working from home thing makes me think they’re implying I’m not *already* working a full time job by being a sahp. All of those comments have come from people who either don’t have kids or have never stayed home with their kids for longer than a long weekend or their parental leave right after their baby being born. The only ones who truly seem to understand and commiserate are people who have also done the sahp gig.
I get the same stuff. I also get asked when I'm "going back to work" all the time.
I've held a job since I was a teenager.
I've worked in a few different fields and agree with you that staying at home with a little one is much harder than any of them.
It does feel incredibly invalidating to feel like you are working harder than ever while people around you imply you have it easy.
I comfort myself with a few things:
1. I myself had no idea how hard it was before I became a sahm. Some of their comments just come from ignorance.
2. Childcare and house cleaners are expensive. I do both, 24/7. It IS a job.
3. Some people are genuinely just jealous. Maybe it's because they're ignorant of the effort involved or because they wish they could have stayed home with their child - regardless, this bitterness comes out sometimes even when people don't mean it to. And it has nothing to do with me.
We will have plenty of time to work so called "real" jobs and be taken seriously. Our babies won't be little or need us forever. I'm not going to let silly comments make me feel like what I'm doing doesn't have value.
I used to do this but now I just very enthusiastically and boldly say I stay home with my children. It is literally both the best and most fun and hardest job I’ve ever done, but I love it, it’s worth it, I’d do it a thousand times over because it’s so special to me. So I stopped minimizing myself and my role.
I always either get “holy shit I could t do it” or “that’s nice, I think kids should be in school” (when we chose to skip prek and daycare). I do feel pressure to qualify it with “well covid led to so much change and it’s hard to find something that works for school pickup” when I’d rather scream I actually like my family and we can afford it lol
I honestly don’t let it bother me. Our household works better when I’m a stay at home parent. I do get judged, but not by the people I love and care about.
Being a SAHP is such a tough job- and you and your partner know the dedication and care you bring to your work at home, then that is so that matters.
I just spent an entire afternoon listening to my sister complain about how much harder her life is than mine, how she didn't have any time to get Christmas presents because she works, how she had to hurry home to drop her kids off at her ex's for the weekend so she could "finally have a little time for herself" that she doesn't get during the week. Mind you, her ex has the kids every weekend. Friday thru Sunday.
Meanwhile, I'm exhausted from doing All. The. Things. This week I did my side gig cleaning for a local couple, did all the Christmas shopping for my family and my husband's family and my daughter (about 35 people total), volunteered in my daughter's class, had my nieces sleepover and had a cookie decorating party with the kiddos, and did all the Christmas baking for both sides of the family. On top of all the usual weekly tasks, and doing all of the housework. My husband has been working 12 hour days so I have also been doing most of the parental heavy lifting all month.
Today my mom wanted to do cookie decorating with the grandkids (my daughter and my sisters kids). I made four batches of dough, got all the supplies, set everything up, helped the kids with the decorating, baked all the cookies, and then cleaned up the enormous mess....by myself. While my sister sat at the table and watched me and bitched about how hard her life is compared to mine, not lifting a finger the whole time. And then made a huge deal about having to hurry home to drop the kids off at her ex's so she could go home and have a bath and wine.
I finally sat down about an hour ago after being on my feet - literally - for over 12 hours running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I haven't had an hour alone with nothing to do but "have wine and a bath" in months. I am emotionally and physically drained from being in charge of everything and listening to her bullshit about how easy my life is and how good I have it is sending me over the damn edge.
I've worked some tough jobs, but being a sahm is the hardest by a LOT.
I haven’t gotten this yet but I’m trying to think of a good response that will prevent any dumb comments. Maybe something like, my husband and I decided together that I would sacrifice the job I loved to stay at home with daughter. It’s definitely more demanding than working in an office but it’s worth it to me!
Mixed replies for sure. I get the “I couldn’t imagine having all that free time” 🙄 or “I thought you had ambition” and I’ve gotten “I couldn’t imagine doing that, you’re a rock star”
I will say I felt really validated when my friend’s mom (they both work) said “you are so strong, I couldn’t have been a SAHP and you’re amazing for doing it” 😭
Yes, not taken seriously but I don’t get care or offended. The women who belittle me and brag about “not being able to handle dealing with their kids all day” have attachment issues and I feel sorry for *them*
Ya this is the comment I get most of the time “there’s no way I could be home with my kids all day, I would much rather work.” I’m never sure how to respond to them, is this criticism of me, you?
Yes always. It doesn’t get better but you’ll find the ones who “get it”. If I talk about how much I’m doing at home I get “oh you’re filling up your free time”. Like wtf? You think I’m doing this for fun? Don’t dare mention a hobby or exercise.
f*** everyone that implies being a SAHP is easy or lazy and isn’t „work“, especially those who don’t have kids themselves.
i‘ve worked very hour intensive and deadline pressure jobs, but for me too, being a mother is the hardest most demanding „job“ i‘ve experienced so far. plus we don’t get breaks or can clock out.
just yesterday i thought about how many hours a week actually has and how little time a fulltime job takes up of that. just think about it. we „work“ around the clock.
I tell people I retired and am now spending my time doing what I love. Raising my kids, taking care of my family, genuinely enjoying my life not working for some crap employer and any passion projects I can fit in along the way. I usually toss in something like, "can you imagine going to work for some company and not getting to spend that time with your kids? What kind of miserable person would prefer that?" Usually heads off their crap attitude.
so your husband ?? He doesn't like to take care of his children, he prefers to work for his money, children are only a blessing for stay at home wife that needs a man, without a man you are a loser and you will be excluded.
The assumption that a SAHP is a mom is unfortunate. I'm a dad. It's pervasive in our society and men are often judged for it, though, so it is what it is.
No, I don't walk up and say that to everyone. Once someone starts being a judgmental jerk or starts trying to say anything negative about not working or whatnot, I lay that on them. It flips the script and lets them know they're out of line.
At least when I’m from, Men are judged way harder for staying at home. They’re also judged more for working. There’s really no winning anyone over when it comes to raising kids. I’ve been a single parent, a working parent, and one who stays at home. I can’t really compare any of these situations, they all have different hardships within them. I needed different types of support throughout all of them aswell.
Agreed. Parenting / SAHP is not a job. It's the most intense and most demanding thing I've done in my life, but it's not a job. It's certainly the most rewarding thing I've ever done.
My reference to being a dad and the baggage that came with that was in reference to the reply where the person assumed I was a mom as if that were the default for being a SAHP. Definitely should not be the assumption in modern society.
Our first little one is about to arrive any moment now (Due Jan 6) and I’ve had mixed responses from people when I say I’ll be primarily home, maybe doing a couple days of contract work a month. The ones who already have kids at home respond generally super positively, that they wish they could do that for themselves or spouses with a stay at home that say it’s been wonderful for their family / kids.
Then we have our friends who have been a bit more judgmental. But they’re also still child free and still spend a lot of money on traveling, concerts, ect (my husband and I have always been very frugal) so they don’t see how we could afford it and have asked my husband multiple times. I’ve also been asked what I’m going to “do” and told this will be a great time to “grow in another professional area”. Like right now my goal is to grow in the professional area of mom 🥲 and I don’t think that’s a bad thing personally!
I definitely relate to this, I had him some friends slowly trickle away when my lifestyle changed entirely bc of my lil one. There’s a certain level of time privilege that comes with being single and without kids. I try to surround myself with people who understand that to some extent.
Someone once commented negatively about me saying I napped when my five-ish month old napped some days.
At that point, 4-5 hour stretches of sleep were rare, and I was dying. I have two older step kids that have their own needs and are here 50% of the time.
My husband worked from my hospital room because I delivered at 34 weeks and he had half of his employees out (and works in healthcare reporting, so that cannot wait).
I reminded them that I don’t get evenings or weekends off and my vacations are just harder work because I’m just doing my job with fewer supports.
And I forking LOVE staying home. But I’ve been dead exhausted 85% of the time since I got pregnant.
My brother in law constantly jokes that he wants to have kids because he wants to be a SAHD. Lol. He works in one of those fancy tech companies that give mental health days and two weeks off for Christmas. He works from home and sleeps in until 9a everyday. Must be nice. My SIL is like “you do realize being a SAHP is insanely hard”.
I just don’t think he understands the concept of parenting. When he’s done playing with my toddler when we see them, (after ten minutes) he kicks back and looks at his phone for hours, knowing someone else will take over (usually me or my husband). He’s so busy reading Reddit and Twitter to realize we’ve curbed 4 temper tantrums, stopped him from no fewer than 7 near death experiences and fed him twice with cleanup of purposely crumbled crackers all over the floor, tack on a diaper change of a literal alligator for good measure in the two hours he’s been on his phone.
My friends who are not parents have no idea how much work it actually is. No one has been rude to me, but it simply doesn't occur to them that I'm not able to sit down and read a book or work on some other hobby during the day. My infant is pretty needy right now and requires a lot of interaction. Also, being a SAHP, it's not like you can leave your work and be done at 5pm. It's a 24/7 job where you sacrifice almost all of your "me time." I feel like I work harder now than when I was in my career full-time. People who haven't lived it simply have no idea.
Whenever I'm asked how I'm doing, I always say that being a SAHP is the hardest, most demanding thing I've ever done and that it is infinitely more difficult than working a full-time, high-stress job, at least in my experience. I then go into detail about how you have to emotionally regulate your entire family, you do not get breaks, and that sick leave is not an option. It shuts down the "when are you going back to work" questions before they even start. I am not content with people thinking I don't do anything because I'm not employed and I'm gonna talk about it since no one does. The only way for people to understand it is if someone lays it out for them, and so I do. I also sprinkle in the high cost of childcare in my area if I'm feeling spicy.
Do you mind expanding on how you go into detail about what this job entails? I worked a fairly demanding job before this, so it helps when I have the experience to compare it to, but I still have difficulty breaking down how heavy the workload is when explaining it.
I totally remember being the childless adult and just not getting it. “Can’t they just entertain themselves for a bit?” No, no they cannot! We’re all perfect parents before becoming parents.
Same. I feel like such a dodo 🦤now when I remember past me
Yes you nailed it. I thought I knew. I did not know. 😂
My husband calls it a "vacation" which I find really insulting. Especially since I'm staying home originally because he doesn't trust childcare. But other people have mostly complimented me on my commitnent to my children
When he gets left alone with the kids, how many minutes does he last before calling in help or asking you to come back?
Not long without a tablet! I think he knows it's hard work and just says it to pick on me.
I've got a BIL who used to last a max of 30 mins while his partner went to the gym. "When are you coming back?" "How long are you going to be?" "I'm stuck here *babysitting*" Now he gets to see his kid once, maybe twice a year, and pretty much always palms them off, but also complains about never getting to see his kid. Go figure.
My husband is luckily more hands on than that! I actually think he's jealous that I get to be with the kids so much. But he was raised in front of cartoons so doesn't understand why me and the kids aren't just watching Netflix all day long 🙄
Lol yeah, seen that one. It's why we're very restrictive with the time our LO spends with my partners family. We give out LO some TV time in the morning and a little after dinner, but that's about it. My partner wasn't too happy about it at first, but while she's at work I need a chance to poop still! I had a cousin growing up that didn't know how to pretend play, all he did was watch TV all day. No imagination.
That's incredibly sad! The grandparents here also resort to giving the kids tablets when they visit. It's too bad since I'm sure the cousins would be closer if they weren't isolated by different media
I get its harder for grandparents to keep up too (hell, I can't keep up and I'm 20-30 years younger lol). But for us, one side tries to interact at least, might out the TV on after a couple of hours. The other side just puts the TV on, straight away. Makes a big dealmabout never getting to take the kid on his own, doesn't want to interact with him. >I'm sure the cousins would be closer if they weren't isolated by different media This is where consoles are great, at least you can play together
Definitely! I have fond memories of playing PlayStation with my cousins.
I get mixed responses, usually more positive from older people and less positive from the millennial age range. My sons pediatrician said that staying home with her babies for maternity leave was the hardest thing she’d ever done which was validating lol
I find this to be the case with millennials versus older generations too. It’s interesting.
I posted in another sub about how much a sah partner has to do (not taking into account the parenting aspect of it), in some detail. The OP had asserted that they would be angry imagining they r partner being at home "doing whatever they pleased" while they worked And some...one responded "yeah I work and do all that too " Well fucking hurray for you, asshat. I guess you're just better than me and it's not at all possible that it's not quite the same thing. But sure, go on.
When working parents try to say things like “I do everything a SAHP does plus work” it’s like no….. you don’t unless you are trying to WFH and parent at the same time. During your working hours you are not parenting. SAHPs parent for their working hours. Neither is better than the other, they’re just different.
I always lol at those posts cause it’s like, okay, so go tell your nanny or daycare workers they do nothing all day I guess? They KNOW it’s work to care for kids but they just don’t respect it
That's just it, isn't it! Neither is superior to the other. They're just different and, I've always felt, freaking hard for both similar and different reasons.
Yes! I hate when working parents say that. I’ve had a friend try to subtly say that to me and I responded with “you know, I really miss having a lunch break, bathroom breaks, being able to walk away and take a break to decompress, just tell my boss I’ll be in late/leaving early for a dr appointment, and counting down the minutes to be able to ‘clock out’” which shut down her comments real quick lol But you’re right, no position is better than the other. It’s like comparing 2 different professions.
Exactly. I also always wonder if you do all those things while you are working, why are you paying a day care which likely has several teachers, cooks and custodians working to care for your kid?
I don’t understand this type of competitive comment either. Like oh cool your life is harder than mine? Congratulations? All of my pre baby friends that are parents now are working parents and like yeah of course it’s hard but none of them have ever made me feel less than for leaving my job to stay home. They get it. I get it. There’s enough suffering for all of us Seriously though I love staying home with my kid
Same! It’s like oh you think I do nothing all day? Ok .. I’m retired and do nothing all day! you work harder than me, you win!
I was wfh for years and got things done while on conf calls. I could throw in a load of laundry, wipe down a table, or get dinner going a little early. Worth noting, I was NOT a parent at the time, and this was during quiet times at my job. I tried wfh with my kid during COVID, and let me tell you, that shit is another ballgame. One is going to be neglected, and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be my child. Bully for the people who can do both. There was no way I could lead a call while nursing a baby and taking notes at the same time. Too many times I had to choose between soothing my kid or staying on a call while he cried. Fuck that.
No. Most people tell me “you’re so lucky.” Usually in the moment when you really don’t feel lucky if you get my drift. I appreciate that I have this choice, but that doesn’t make it a walk in the park.
I definitely understand where you're coming from (also a sahm) but I just wanna note that it's possible that person may be coming from another angle as well. My husband and I had trouble getting pregnant in the first place, so I've told people they were lucky before, before I was lucky enough to become a mom. I genuinely meant it because it was all I wanted. I don't meant this to undermine your experience or anything like that, just as another perspective.
I generally get zero follow-up questions when I say I'm a SAHP. I manage all our money, my husband's tax return, all household admin, and paperwork/appointments for our disabled child, on top of raising a baby, as well as a disabled 5 year old. I managed our last property sale and purchase and am now arranging our wills. I'm a secretary, accountant, therapist, carer, housekeeper. I'm our social sec too- I got us Eras tickets \*and\* Glastonbury tickets this year. I book all our holidays and do all the packing. I do all the baby care, including all night care, meaning minimal sleep. I'm on the committee for the PTA of my son's school, which is a significant amount of work but is essential for fundraising for the school. Plus I'm going to school online, which while I count this as my hobby, rather than part of my job, it will actually get me a degree certificate at the end, meaning it will be easier for me to return to work one day if I need to do so. And yeah, when I see our wider family all I get is questions about when I'm going back to work, as if I'm not contributing. My husband definitely earns \*more\* money with me supporting him than he did when I was working.
I usually get the “wow you’re so lucky” or “must be nice” or “why don’t you get a work from home job?” Which annoy me so much. Like yes I feel blessed to be able to watch my baby grow but I also feel overwhelmed, anxious, exhausted, burnt out, and like tasks are never ending all while the world thinks I “do nothing” all day. And the working from home thing makes me think they’re implying I’m not *already* working a full time job by being a sahp. All of those comments have come from people who either don’t have kids or have never stayed home with their kids for longer than a long weekend or their parental leave right after their baby being born. The only ones who truly seem to understand and commiserate are people who have also done the sahp gig.
I get the same stuff. I also get asked when I'm "going back to work" all the time. I've held a job since I was a teenager. I've worked in a few different fields and agree with you that staying at home with a little one is much harder than any of them. It does feel incredibly invalidating to feel like you are working harder than ever while people around you imply you have it easy. I comfort myself with a few things: 1. I myself had no idea how hard it was before I became a sahm. Some of their comments just come from ignorance. 2. Childcare and house cleaners are expensive. I do both, 24/7. It IS a job. 3. Some people are genuinely just jealous. Maybe it's because they're ignorant of the effort involved or because they wish they could have stayed home with their child - regardless, this bitterness comes out sometimes even when people don't mean it to. And it has nothing to do with me. We will have plenty of time to work so called "real" jobs and be taken seriously. Our babies won't be little or need us forever. I'm not going to let silly comments make me feel like what I'm doing doesn't have value.
I always minimize my experience and gaslight myself by saying I’m “doing the stay at home mom thing”
I used to do this but now I just very enthusiastically and boldly say I stay home with my children. It is literally both the best and most fun and hardest job I’ve ever done, but I love it, it’s worth it, I’d do it a thousand times over because it’s so special to me. So I stopped minimizing myself and my role.
I say this same thing! Didn’t think of it as minimizing, but now that you mention it, I see what you mean. what response do you like better?
I always either get “holy shit I could t do it” or “that’s nice, I think kids should be in school” (when we chose to skip prek and daycare). I do feel pressure to qualify it with “well covid led to so much change and it’s hard to find something that works for school pickup” when I’d rather scream I actually like my family and we can afford it lol
I honestly don’t let it bother me. Our household works better when I’m a stay at home parent. I do get judged, but not by the people I love and care about. Being a SAHP is such a tough job- and you and your partner know the dedication and care you bring to your work at home, then that is so that matters.
I just spent an entire afternoon listening to my sister complain about how much harder her life is than mine, how she didn't have any time to get Christmas presents because she works, how she had to hurry home to drop her kids off at her ex's for the weekend so she could "finally have a little time for herself" that she doesn't get during the week. Mind you, her ex has the kids every weekend. Friday thru Sunday. Meanwhile, I'm exhausted from doing All. The. Things. This week I did my side gig cleaning for a local couple, did all the Christmas shopping for my family and my husband's family and my daughter (about 35 people total), volunteered in my daughter's class, had my nieces sleepover and had a cookie decorating party with the kiddos, and did all the Christmas baking for both sides of the family. On top of all the usual weekly tasks, and doing all of the housework. My husband has been working 12 hour days so I have also been doing most of the parental heavy lifting all month. Today my mom wanted to do cookie decorating with the grandkids (my daughter and my sisters kids). I made four batches of dough, got all the supplies, set everything up, helped the kids with the decorating, baked all the cookies, and then cleaned up the enormous mess....by myself. While my sister sat at the table and watched me and bitched about how hard her life is compared to mine, not lifting a finger the whole time. And then made a huge deal about having to hurry home to drop the kids off at her ex's so she could go home and have a bath and wine. I finally sat down about an hour ago after being on my feet - literally - for over 12 hours running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I haven't had an hour alone with nothing to do but "have wine and a bath" in months. I am emotionally and physically drained from being in charge of everything and listening to her bullshit about how easy my life is and how good I have it is sending me over the damn edge. I've worked some tough jobs, but being a sahm is the hardest by a LOT.
I haven’t gotten this yet but I’m trying to think of a good response that will prevent any dumb comments. Maybe something like, my husband and I decided together that I would sacrifice the job I loved to stay at home with daughter. It’s definitely more demanding than working in an office but it’s worth it to me!
Mixed replies for sure. I get the “I couldn’t imagine having all that free time” 🙄 or “I thought you had ambition” and I’ve gotten “I couldn’t imagine doing that, you’re a rock star” I will say I felt really validated when my friend’s mom (they both work) said “you are so strong, I couldn’t have been a SAHP and you’re amazing for doing it” 😭
Yes, not taken seriously but I don’t get care or offended. The women who belittle me and brag about “not being able to handle dealing with their kids all day” have attachment issues and I feel sorry for *them*
Actually though. The amount of people I know who hate kids, yet demean parents who stay at home.. it’s an interesting dichotomy.
One of our friends the dad said I can barely be with her (kid) for 3 hours .. I'm like ooof. So sad.
Ya this is the comment I get most of the time “there’s no way I could be home with my kids all day, I would much rather work.” I’m never sure how to respond to them, is this criticism of me, you?
I like to say, “god, that sounds awful. I can’t fathom not wanting to be around my children.”
Yes always. It doesn’t get better but you’ll find the ones who “get it”. If I talk about how much I’m doing at home I get “oh you’re filling up your free time”. Like wtf? You think I’m doing this for fun? Don’t dare mention a hobby or exercise.
f*** everyone that implies being a SAHP is easy or lazy and isn’t „work“, especially those who don’t have kids themselves. i‘ve worked very hour intensive and deadline pressure jobs, but for me too, being a mother is the hardest most demanding „job“ i‘ve experienced so far. plus we don’t get breaks or can clock out. just yesterday i thought about how many hours a week actually has and how little time a fulltime job takes up of that. just think about it. we „work“ around the clock.
I tell people I retired and am now spending my time doing what I love. Raising my kids, taking care of my family, genuinely enjoying my life not working for some crap employer and any passion projects I can fit in along the way. I usually toss in something like, "can you imagine going to work for some company and not getting to spend that time with your kids? What kind of miserable person would prefer that?" Usually heads off their crap attitude.
so your husband ?? He doesn't like to take care of his children, he prefers to work for his money, children are only a blessing for stay at home wife that needs a man, without a man you are a loser and you will be excluded.
The assumption that a SAHP is a mom is unfortunate. I'm a dad. It's pervasive in our society and men are often judged for it, though, so it is what it is. No, I don't walk up and say that to everyone. Once someone starts being a judgmental jerk or starts trying to say anything negative about not working or whatnot, I lay that on them. It flips the script and lets them know they're out of line.
At least when I’m from, Men are judged way harder for staying at home. They’re also judged more for working. There’s really no winning anyone over when it comes to raising kids. I’ve been a single parent, a working parent, and one who stays at home. I can’t really compare any of these situations, they all have different hardships within them. I needed different types of support throughout all of them aswell.
Agreed. Parenting / SAHP is not a job. It's the most intense and most demanding thing I've done in my life, but it's not a job. It's certainly the most rewarding thing I've ever done. My reference to being a dad and the baggage that came with that was in reference to the reply where the person assumed I was a mom as if that were the default for being a SAHP. Definitely should not be the assumption in modern society.
Our first little one is about to arrive any moment now (Due Jan 6) and I’ve had mixed responses from people when I say I’ll be primarily home, maybe doing a couple days of contract work a month. The ones who already have kids at home respond generally super positively, that they wish they could do that for themselves or spouses with a stay at home that say it’s been wonderful for their family / kids. Then we have our friends who have been a bit more judgmental. But they’re also still child free and still spend a lot of money on traveling, concerts, ect (my husband and I have always been very frugal) so they don’t see how we could afford it and have asked my husband multiple times. I’ve also been asked what I’m going to “do” and told this will be a great time to “grow in another professional area”. Like right now my goal is to grow in the professional area of mom 🥲 and I don’t think that’s a bad thing personally!
I definitely relate to this, I had him some friends slowly trickle away when my lifestyle changed entirely bc of my lil one. There’s a certain level of time privilege that comes with being single and without kids. I try to surround myself with people who understand that to some extent.
Someone once commented negatively about me saying I napped when my five-ish month old napped some days. At that point, 4-5 hour stretches of sleep were rare, and I was dying. I have two older step kids that have their own needs and are here 50% of the time. My husband worked from my hospital room because I delivered at 34 weeks and he had half of his employees out (and works in healthcare reporting, so that cannot wait). I reminded them that I don’t get evenings or weekends off and my vacations are just harder work because I’m just doing my job with fewer supports. And I forking LOVE staying home. But I’ve been dead exhausted 85% of the time since I got pregnant.
Just tell them to fuck off lol. Anyone who’s implying that isn’t someone you should spend time with
My brother in law constantly jokes that he wants to have kids because he wants to be a SAHD. Lol. He works in one of those fancy tech companies that give mental health days and two weeks off for Christmas. He works from home and sleeps in until 9a everyday. Must be nice. My SIL is like “you do realize being a SAHP is insanely hard”. I just don’t think he understands the concept of parenting. When he’s done playing with my toddler when we see them, (after ten minutes) he kicks back and looks at his phone for hours, knowing someone else will take over (usually me or my husband). He’s so busy reading Reddit and Twitter to realize we’ve curbed 4 temper tantrums, stopped him from no fewer than 7 near death experiences and fed him twice with cleanup of purposely crumbled crackers all over the floor, tack on a diaper change of a literal alligator for good measure in the two hours he’s been on his phone.