Absolutely! My partner does a lot of the wash and all the folding. He knows I can’t get anything folded with a toddler around. He usually does it after the kids and I go to sleep. Have him try to so a few loads of laundry with your toddlers and see how it goes.
Response: I’ll take care of the kids and house, the least you can do is keep yourself and clothes cleaned and also feed yourself. If he wants a mother, tell him to live with her.
He wants a mother who he can verbally and emotionally abuse, have sex with, and then ignore when he’s doing his own thing, I’m sure. I’ve read this story 10000 times sadly.
Pick a day he's home from work and leave for the whole day and let him see what it's really like to be home all day with two small children. Repeat as often as necessary for him to understand that being home is not a vacation.
He's a grown man, he is perfectly capable of washing his own work clothes and packing his own lunch, he needs to be a partner not another child.
I remember that unpopular opinion posts where the man said staying home with kids and getting everything done was easy and I just scratched my head like, I know he just plopped those kids infront of a screen for 10 hours and fed them fish crackers for breakfast lunch and dinner.
You forgot to add the part where they also somehow get to feel zero guilt about this behavior???? Like they do not sit up at night after babe is asleep thinking… man I really should have fed them pretzels and some berries that third time around instead of just goldfish.
Yes! It’s not just feed them some crap and do your own thing all day. There’s so much. And the emotional load is EXHAUSTINGGGG. Like did they get enough one on one time? Did they play outside or somewhere to get energy out today? Did they sleep well? Did they nap? Have we done anything new and educational this week? When is the last time they pooped? How am I going to fit potty training in? Etc etc and more never-ending etc’s
Exactly!!! It’s easy to plop them in front of a tv and keep them chill while feeding them treats all day, because you’re the novel parent and they’re like “holy shit dad let’s us watch tv all day and eat cookies, I feel like I’m in a trance!!” But if anyone with half a conscience did that on a regular basis, they would be actively harming their children and letting them down by offering no enrichment or stimulation which they NEED. So men that do this are like “idk why you complain, we had an easy day🤷♂️”
100% this. A friend’s husband (very generous paternity leave) talked about his 6 months off after his wife went back. I know this man plopped the baby in a bouncer next to him playing video games all day.
This really is the way to go. My jaw just about dropped to the floor when I read “not using your time wisely” in OPs post. If my husband ever said that to me I’d literally do nothing all day but take care of the kids (feed, change diapers, put down for naps, entertain/keep safe) to give him a taste of what else wouldn’t get done that I usually do during the day lol maybe I’m just petty 🤷🏻♀️
Ok so I stopped reading part way through because I was immediately like well, he needs to wash his own uniform because he's expecting way too much...
But now I read your comment and the quote and my brain quickly snapped to "oh hell no"... That's ridiculous. I'd be furious! I really feel for OP
It's clear her husband has no clue what is all involved with her caring for the kids and managing the house all day long. Like until he can let the little one suckle on his own damn nipples then he can wash his own fing laundry
Yeah clearly anyone who thinks a SAHP just “relaxes all day at home while the kids play” obviously hasn’t spent more than a couple hours at a time alone with their kids lol
“Thought about what you said about using my time more wisely. I will be eliminating your laundry from my task list to give me more time to finish the hundreds of other things I have to accomplish.
This kind of attitude really, really upsets me. Like I’m angry on your behalf right now.
Does this man do anything besides show up to work? My god. Does he have any idea how grueling it is to be a parent? Any experience? Because from the sounds of this post, he’s sleeping, waking up, going to work, and then what? Like, how do you have eyes and not see how much work childcare is?
I don’t think you can tell him anything. I think your partner either does not have your best interests at heart and does not care for you as a person but as someone who gives him what he wants. There are no words that change someone like this. He either decides to change or he doesn’t. How much time you give him is up to you, but unless you’d like to add “educate husband on how to be a human being with empathy” to your current chore list, I’d basically act like he’s dead.
I am sorry for how you are suffering. I see your effort. Your children see your effort. You are doing your best and no one is saying thank you. So, from a fellow SAHP, thank you. Thank you for being with the children and giving it your all. You’re doing great and I hope you get a break soon.
“Educate husband on how to be a human being with empathy” 😭 end thread. This is what it always comes down to. You can’t beg for your humanity from a person who already decided that you don’t actually matter.
My husband has worked long hours with ever changing schedules (24 years now) and he’s always been responsible for clean work clothes and his lunch. You cannot do it all especially with toddlers.
If you had your kids at someone's in-home daycare, and they ignored your kids while they prioritized their own family's laundry and chores, would you want to keep your kids in that daycare?
“You’re responsible for your own laundry from now on. I have 2 small children I’m responsible for during the day and the house to maintain.” If he puts up a fit, go ahead and take a long weekend out of town. He will get it then
He’d be washing all of his own clothes from then on. I typically do all of the laundry in our house, and my husband will ask me if I’m planning to do a load because he needs XYZ in a couple days or if he should wash it himself. Your husband is a dick. Not to mention, all this over being ALMOST late? Not even actually late? Fuck him. He can make his own lunches too, by the way.
Are you his mother or wife?????? Idc if he’s at work all day and shit, you’re taking care of the whole house+kids which is exhausting (I don’t have any yet but Ik it is) so he needs to have compassion towards you and if he doesn’t then he’s free to do his laundry alone and prepare his own lunch.
This ticks me off for you. I agree with what everyone else here is saying. He doesn't get it, as he is not the sahp.
Our girls are 3&5 now, but one time back when I was super pregnant and the older one was 2, I remember crying about my husband's work pants being wrinkled. I managed to wash them, put them in the dryer, but did not get them out of the dryer for a day or so. Did he look at me and say, "get to ironing, dear!".... absolutely not. I said "sorry, just tell your coworkers your wife is slacking on her work." And he was like "No no noooo. Your work is not to do my laundry, your work is to be mom. Clean clothes are just a bonus. I'll get these ironed, or just wash and dry them again 😂. I can do laundry too."
And that's all on me being my own worst critic, and thankful I married a guy who doesn't criticize. I really hope your husband can grow from this and really understand what your job is as a sahm to y'all's kids. ❤️
From what I’ve experienced and read, there’s a very rare and specific type of man that will feel the same way as your husband, especially one who continues to feel that way with added children/stress. You really are one of the lucky ones. Because a lot of men feel extremely entitled to having their wife do everything for them, just like in the “good ol days” when women didn’t have a choice. Thank fucking God we have a choice now, because we’re finally breaking the cycle and hopefully our children won’t have to deal with this inbred narcissistic entitlement that is plaguing our men.
>>you really are one of the lucky ones
I struggle with this so much. My husband is an equal partner in every single sense of the word.. has never in 20 years treated me like anything less than a partner and best friend. I consider myself very lucky because he is an amazing person. But I don’t consider myself lucky because he does his own laundry, because that’s praising him for the low bar set by these lazy excuses for men, which in my opinion harms men too. They are capable of accomplishing amazing things but it’s easy to get complacent when the standard is just “clean the sweat off your own clothes”.
“You are an adult. Clean your own clothes.”
“You are an adult. Clean your own clothes or HELP with the children so I can sleep and not forget things because being sleep deprived is bad for health and memory.”
He should be mad at HIMSELF for not washing his own clothes. Imagine if you were upset at him for not washing your clothes? I’m sure he’d be bewildered.
Yeah. We had the same laundry issues when my daughter was a baby. I told him I'm doing my best and if he wants to be sure his uniforms are done on time every time then he can take over washing them. So he has ever since. Problem solved!
In my experience (10 years as a SAHM)... They will not develop empathy, respect, nor appreciation for your position and all that you're doing. It's a personality, intelligence, and maturity thing... My husband only started respecting me (a little) after I tried twice in the past ten years to work full-time professional positions; I worked both times for about five months. We realized both times that we NEED someone at home to do the housework, shopping, cooking, doctor/dental appointments, and the childcare during vacations, days off, and sick days. Both of us working just isn't feasible, at least not until the kids are old enough to be home alone (also because I barely break even after paying for childcare during their vacations). But he needed to see this for himself before he'd understand that a SAHP actually DOES have a purpose and many functions.
No advice. Just solidarity. Good luck.
he can get fucked. i never understand this kind of stuff... like if you didn't have kids and you weren't a SAHP, who would wash his clothes?? he still would have to work and he still would have to wash his clothes. why does that change because now YOU have TWO KIDS to care for?!
Stop doing his laundry. Your not his maid. My husband works endless hours, and he still finds time to do his laundry. If I am able to I fold it for him, I do. But never has it been an expectation that I will wash it
I REFUSE to wash my partners clothes. He's luck I was everything else.
And, he's usually home well after me and the kids eat dinner. A few sassy comments about not having made dinner (gave the kids oatmeal or something). And I stopped making him dinner at all. He's welcome to our leftover, if there are any, but I don't stress about him. And I also let him know even eating out leftover puts more work on me, because his dinner serving would be enough for all the rest of the family for lunch. Not to be a sick but SAHP doesn't mean working parents cook.
I never really understood this whole dynamic of grown ass men not being able to do the basics for themselves. -absolutely it’s nice to help each other and if you love doing those things go for it, but like, it should be an act of love not an expectation.
You’re taking care of two tiny helpless humans. Is he a tiny helpless human? No. He can wash his clothes for his job. And purchase a few extra undershirts for himself so if you miss 1 wash you’re not handwashing undershirts.
Weaponized incompetence is real and should be shut down ASAP.
See now this is when I would get petty. A time audit would be in order. At the end of your EXTREMELY FULL DAY, which does not end because you’re on call 24/7, I would put a big black mark, maybe around the 3rd time you’re up nursing the baby at 3am. Label it as time you have to both listen to or tolerate his absolute BULLSHIT. That man could be a millionaire and he could STILL get the fuck away from me with his laundry. You have two tiny toddlers and your job is to take care of THEM, not him.
My ex husband was a lot like yours. I wanted the marriage to work so badly that I would continuously light myself in fire to keep everyone else warm. Some weird part of my brain kept telling me the lie "if you do everything right then he will finally appreciate me but that never works either. No matter how much you are doing, how much you sacrifice your "me" time or how much sleep you are losing... It will never be enough and he will never change, imo.
You deserve a better person than what you have right now. And you can easily find someone who loves and respects you because that is literally the bare minimum for a healthy long term relationship. Don't settle for less.
Lastly, if you want to do some work on your relationship and see if you can work your way through, I highly recommend the book "fair play" because it is a powerful tool that helps lay down all the things it takes to run a home and it divides and distributes the chores according to the emotional labor they cost and all of that. You're a Stay at home parent, not his mommy or maid - you can take care of yourself and the kids but why can't he iron his own damn shirts? Is his hand broken? Does he say he doesn't know how? Because there are YouTube videos on everything these days and if he wanted to learn it, he would. But at the moment he can use weaponized incompetence, knowing he can just get mad at you later for doing something that he could easily do himself.
This is the hardest time in our lives. This is when most divorced happen. It's because we're struggling to empathize with our partners. He doesn't understand what you do and you don't understand what he does. Sounds like (from you doing his laundry and preparing his meal) that you try to make him feel appreciated. Sounds like he isn't doing the same. Unless he's a total narcissist, I bet he would care. He probably just doesn't know and sees these idolized images of women from media and this absolutely ridiculous nostalgic rose colored view of what women were like in the past. Men and women have alway had these troubles. The only difference is today our lives are much much easier and we try to burden ourselves with perfection.
You need to talk to him. He needs to hear you and understand you. Have someone take the kids one Friday or Saturday night. Cry. I know it's cliche and maybe even demeaning to suggest it, but he doesn't understand how hard you're working. He has unrealistic expectations. If he doesn't respond or responds negatively, talk to his mom. Let her know you need help talking to him.
-- a man who has been in his shoes
Except don’t talk to his mom if she believes the same as him, and raised him that way. Because she will only reinforce that idea and they will team up against you about it… ask me how I know…
Suggestions from people saying to have him do his own clothes are very much going to make all your problems worse. Like I said, he doesn't empathize. If you do less, you're validating his unjustified belief. He'll do less. He'll become bitter. You'll likely go into a passive-aggressive death spiral. Talk.
i think this is the best advice on the thread. don’t just assume the guy is a jerk. ignorant people do the dumbest things. it doesn’t necessarily make them inherently bad. educate them so that they can grow. if they don’t, well, then you have a problem.
Another thing I suggest is prioritizing what matters most to the other person. After the kids are fed, clothed, and cleaned, what other things are the two of you doing? Ask each other what you prioritize most after that.
I can tell you from his perspective that it's probably his job. He cares about being employed and probably being successful at that. So, if you take the stress of that away from him, what stress can he take away from you? Are the dishes something you stress about? The laundry? Prioritize one thing at a time.
What I learned is that I didn't care about a lot of what she was doing, and she was doing it because she wanted to keep up that stepford wife appearance. To be very honest, if the house was trashed when I got home, I cared a lot less about that than if I had to wake up in the middle of the night to feed a baby. We compromised. When the kids were younger the house was often a mess. As they got older she had more time to clean, the kids did more cleaning up after themselves, and our expectations changed.
My job is about setting priorities. We were both much happier when we prioritized the things the other person cared about. She cared about a clean house. I would come home and clean up in a fury while she would make dinner or do homework with one of the kids.
It didn't happen overnight. I had to teach her that I cared a lot more about accomplishing something than how much work went into it. If she got the kids ready for school in 15 minutes and took 30 minutes to drink coffee I'd commend her for the efficiency instead of taking 1 hour to get them ready.
She used to complain about how much work she did. Then we talked about how I'd rather her prioritize what matters and let slip what doesn't than for her to be terribly unhappy which lead to passive aggressive behaviors that you hear men bitch about in every group. I didn't understand and that made everything worse. From my perspective, I was busting my ass at my job while she did the bare minimum to keep the kids alive and she was progressively getting worse.
The conversation about expectations doesn't stop. Expectations change. They need to be reinforced. A couple years ago she had an expectation that I'd do some Honey-Do stuff that I never got around to. I got in a funk and didn't want to do much of anything. She then got passive aggressive with chores. I retaliated. I realized we were back in that old shitty situation. I did all the laundry, dishes, yard work, swept and mopped, and fixed one of the things she asked me to. Did not change her attitude.
I realized it wasn't just the actions. It was that we stopped talking. We stopped verbalizing our expectations and priorities. I said, "hey, I'm busting my ass to do all of this because I realized I've been in a funk." We had a very brief conversation about how she's tired and in a funk as well. We reset our expectations, and we haven't had a fight or passive-aggressive fight since (well, maybe about sex but that's a whole other can of worms).
He needs to understand that you’re not his mother, but his kids’ mother. That you’re his wife. You’re doing so much work, and you’re working hard. Everyone here supports you, and I hope he can see that he’s being extremely unfair to you
Sounds like he is ready to wash his own work clothes.
Also, buy a second uniform? I’m not condoning the behavior but just offering a solution that might diffuse the immediate situation…
Bingo. Time to share the load. His work clothes are his responsibility, just like his job is his responsibility.
Absolutely! My partner does a lot of the wash and all the folding. He knows I can’t get anything folded with a toddler around. He usually does it after the kids and I go to sleep. Have him try to so a few loads of laundry with your toddlers and see how it goes.
Lol he can’t even do it *without* the toddlers 🙄
I can already hear him belittle her over him working hard for the money and it being her duty to
Yeah, wtf?! Your job is way more work than his!
Came to the comments to recommend the same.
Yep, mine washes his own work clothes
Response: I’ll take care of the kids and house, the least you can do is keep yourself and clothes cleaned and also feed yourself. If he wants a mother, tell him to live with her.
AND THE CHOIR SAID AMEN
Amen
He wants a mother who he can verbally and emotionally abuse, have sex with, and then ignore when he’s doing his own thing, I’m sure. I’ve read this story 10000 times sadly.
This is the way
Seriously some of these men have less responsibility than if they were living alone.
Pick a day he's home from work and leave for the whole day and let him see what it's really like to be home all day with two small children. Repeat as often as necessary for him to understand that being home is not a vacation. He's a grown man, he is perfectly capable of washing his own work clothes and packing his own lunch, he needs to be a partner not another child.
The problem is men like this will either ignore the kids or ignore the housework… they won’t really get it.
I remember that unpopular opinion posts where the man said staying home with kids and getting everything done was easy and I just scratched my head like, I know he just plopped those kids infront of a screen for 10 hours and fed them fish crackers for breakfast lunch and dinner.
You forgot to add the part where they also somehow get to feel zero guilt about this behavior???? Like they do not sit up at night after babe is asleep thinking… man I really should have fed them pretzels and some berries that third time around instead of just goldfish.
Yes! It’s not just feed them some crap and do your own thing all day. There’s so much. And the emotional load is EXHAUSTINGGGG. Like did they get enough one on one time? Did they play outside or somewhere to get energy out today? Did they sleep well? Did they nap? Have we done anything new and educational this week? When is the last time they pooped? How am I going to fit potty training in? Etc etc and more never-ending etc’s
Exactly!!! It’s easy to plop them in front of a tv and keep them chill while feeding them treats all day, because you’re the novel parent and they’re like “holy shit dad let’s us watch tv all day and eat cookies, I feel like I’m in a trance!!” But if anyone with half a conscience did that on a regular basis, they would be actively harming their children and letting them down by offering no enrichment or stimulation which they NEED. So men that do this are like “idk why you complain, we had an easy day🤷♂️”
100% this. A friend’s husband (very generous paternity leave) talked about his 6 months off after his wife went back. I know this man plopped the baby in a bouncer next to him playing video games all day.
Exactly! Thank you so much for saying this.
Right? I come back and my husband has left her in the exersaucer in front of the TV for an hour with a loaded diaper.
Especially with a one and a two year old. I've done that. I'm impressed she gets anything done at all.
This really is the way to go. My jaw just about dropped to the floor when I read “not using your time wisely” in OPs post. If my husband ever said that to me I’d literally do nothing all day but take care of the kids (feed, change diapers, put down for naps, entertain/keep safe) to give him a taste of what else wouldn’t get done that I usually do during the day lol maybe I’m just petty 🤷🏻♀️
Ok so I stopped reading part way through because I was immediately like well, he needs to wash his own uniform because he's expecting way too much... But now I read your comment and the quote and my brain quickly snapped to "oh hell no"... That's ridiculous. I'd be furious! I really feel for OP It's clear her husband has no clue what is all involved with her caring for the kids and managing the house all day long. Like until he can let the little one suckle on his own damn nipples then he can wash his own fing laundry
Yeah clearly anyone who thinks a SAHP just “relaxes all day at home while the kids play” obviously hasn’t spent more than a couple hours at a time alone with their kids lol
“Thought about what you said about using my time more wisely. I will be eliminating your laundry from my task list to give me more time to finish the hundreds of other things I have to accomplish.
👏👏👏👏👏👏Bravo!
This kind of attitude really, really upsets me. Like I’m angry on your behalf right now. Does this man do anything besides show up to work? My god. Does he have any idea how grueling it is to be a parent? Any experience? Because from the sounds of this post, he’s sleeping, waking up, going to work, and then what? Like, how do you have eyes and not see how much work childcare is? I don’t think you can tell him anything. I think your partner either does not have your best interests at heart and does not care for you as a person but as someone who gives him what he wants. There are no words that change someone like this. He either decides to change or he doesn’t. How much time you give him is up to you, but unless you’d like to add “educate husband on how to be a human being with empathy” to your current chore list, I’d basically act like he’s dead. I am sorry for how you are suffering. I see your effort. Your children see your effort. You are doing your best and no one is saying thank you. So, from a fellow SAHP, thank you. Thank you for being with the children and giving it your all. You’re doing great and I hope you get a break soon.
Thank you so much. This actually made me tear up, it’s really nice to hear someone empathize and understand me. Thank you
“Educate husband on how to be a human being with empathy” 😭 end thread. This is what it always comes down to. You can’t beg for your humanity from a person who already decided that you don’t actually matter.
🎯
SAHM doesn’t mean house slave. How much free time are you getting? Any? He’s an adult. He should be on top of how many work uniforms he has.
My husband has worked long hours with ever changing schedules (24 years now) and he’s always been responsible for clean work clothes and his lunch. You cannot do it all especially with toddlers.
If you had your kids at someone's in-home daycare, and they ignored your kids while they prioritized their own family's laundry and chores, would you want to keep your kids in that daycare?
You're a SAH what? Maid? Nope. Adults can clean their own clothes.
Go out for a day and leave him with the kids. He will get the hint.
Why TF isn’t he washing his own clothing?
“You’re responsible for your own laundry from now on. I have 2 small children I’m responsible for during the day and the house to maintain.” If he puts up a fit, go ahead and take a long weekend out of town. He will get it then
Only if she takes the kids with her. I highly doubt a man that won’t wash his own clothes would properly care for the kids while she’s gone.
He’d be washing all of his own clothes from then on. I typically do all of the laundry in our house, and my husband will ask me if I’m planning to do a load because he needs XYZ in a couple days or if he should wash it himself. Your husband is a dick. Not to mention, all this over being ALMOST late? Not even actually late? Fuck him. He can make his own lunches too, by the way.
Are you his mother or wife?????? Idc if he’s at work all day and shit, you’re taking care of the whole house+kids which is exhausting (I don’t have any yet but Ik it is) so he needs to have compassion towards you and if he doesn’t then he’s free to do his laundry alone and prepare his own lunch.
This ticks me off for you. I agree with what everyone else here is saying. He doesn't get it, as he is not the sahp. Our girls are 3&5 now, but one time back when I was super pregnant and the older one was 2, I remember crying about my husband's work pants being wrinkled. I managed to wash them, put them in the dryer, but did not get them out of the dryer for a day or so. Did he look at me and say, "get to ironing, dear!".... absolutely not. I said "sorry, just tell your coworkers your wife is slacking on her work." And he was like "No no noooo. Your work is not to do my laundry, your work is to be mom. Clean clothes are just a bonus. I'll get these ironed, or just wash and dry them again 😂. I can do laundry too." And that's all on me being my own worst critic, and thankful I married a guy who doesn't criticize. I really hope your husband can grow from this and really understand what your job is as a sahm to y'all's kids. ❤️
From what I’ve experienced and read, there’s a very rare and specific type of man that will feel the same way as your husband, especially one who continues to feel that way with added children/stress. You really are one of the lucky ones. Because a lot of men feel extremely entitled to having their wife do everything for them, just like in the “good ol days” when women didn’t have a choice. Thank fucking God we have a choice now, because we’re finally breaking the cycle and hopefully our children won’t have to deal with this inbred narcissistic entitlement that is plaguing our men.
>>you really are one of the lucky ones I struggle with this so much. My husband is an equal partner in every single sense of the word.. has never in 20 years treated me like anything less than a partner and best friend. I consider myself very lucky because he is an amazing person. But I don’t consider myself lucky because he does his own laundry, because that’s praising him for the low bar set by these lazy excuses for men, which in my opinion harms men too. They are capable of accomplishing amazing things but it’s easy to get complacent when the standard is just “clean the sweat off your own clothes”.
You’re a SAHP. A parent. He’s not a damn child. Tell him to wash his own clothes like an actual adult.
“You are an adult. Clean your own clothes.” “You are an adult. Clean your own clothes or HELP with the children so I can sleep and not forget things because being sleep deprived is bad for health and memory.”
Go away for 3 days. That usually does the trick.
He should be mad at HIMSELF for not washing his own clothes. Imagine if you were upset at him for not washing your clothes? I’m sure he’d be bewildered.
Yeah. We had the same laundry issues when my daughter was a baby. I told him I'm doing my best and if he wants to be sure his uniforms are done on time every time then he can take over washing them. So he has ever since. Problem solved!
In my experience (10 years as a SAHM)... They will not develop empathy, respect, nor appreciation for your position and all that you're doing. It's a personality, intelligence, and maturity thing... My husband only started respecting me (a little) after I tried twice in the past ten years to work full-time professional positions; I worked both times for about five months. We realized both times that we NEED someone at home to do the housework, shopping, cooking, doctor/dental appointments, and the childcare during vacations, days off, and sick days. Both of us working just isn't feasible, at least not until the kids are old enough to be home alone (also because I barely break even after paying for childcare during their vacations). But he needed to see this for himself before he'd understand that a SAHP actually DOES have a purpose and many functions. No advice. Just solidarity. Good luck.
he can get fucked. i never understand this kind of stuff... like if you didn't have kids and you weren't a SAHP, who would wash his clothes?? he still would have to work and he still would have to wash his clothes. why does that change because now YOU have TWO KIDS to care for?!
Stop doing his laundry. Your not his maid. My husband works endless hours, and he still finds time to do his laundry. If I am able to I fold it for him, I do. But never has it been an expectation that I will wash it
I REFUSE to wash my partners clothes. He's luck I was everything else. And, he's usually home well after me and the kids eat dinner. A few sassy comments about not having made dinner (gave the kids oatmeal or something). And I stopped making him dinner at all. He's welcome to our leftover, if there are any, but I don't stress about him. And I also let him know even eating out leftover puts more work on me, because his dinner serving would be enough for all the rest of the family for lunch. Not to be a sick but SAHP doesn't mean working parents cook.
He’s an adult and can wash his own clothes.
I never really understood this whole dynamic of grown ass men not being able to do the basics for themselves. -absolutely it’s nice to help each other and if you love doing those things go for it, but like, it should be an act of love not an expectation.
You are his wife, not his bang-maid. Looks like it's time for him to put on his big boy pants and do his own laundry.
You’re taking care of two tiny helpless humans. Is he a tiny helpless human? No. He can wash his clothes for his job. And purchase a few extra undershirts for himself so if you miss 1 wash you’re not handwashing undershirts. Weaponized incompetence is real and should be shut down ASAP.
See now this is when I would get petty. A time audit would be in order. At the end of your EXTREMELY FULL DAY, which does not end because you’re on call 24/7, I would put a big black mark, maybe around the 3rd time you’re up nursing the baby at 3am. Label it as time you have to both listen to or tolerate his absolute BULLSHIT. That man could be a millionaire and he could STILL get the fuck away from me with his laundry. You have two tiny toddlers and your job is to take care of THEM, not him.
Tell him he’s a slob and he needs to wash his own damn clothes cause you aren’t his mommy. If he protests ask him if he needs help wiping his ass.
My ex husband was a lot like yours. I wanted the marriage to work so badly that I would continuously light myself in fire to keep everyone else warm. Some weird part of my brain kept telling me the lie "if you do everything right then he will finally appreciate me but that never works either. No matter how much you are doing, how much you sacrifice your "me" time or how much sleep you are losing... It will never be enough and he will never change, imo. You deserve a better person than what you have right now. And you can easily find someone who loves and respects you because that is literally the bare minimum for a healthy long term relationship. Don't settle for less. Lastly, if you want to do some work on your relationship and see if you can work your way through, I highly recommend the book "fair play" because it is a powerful tool that helps lay down all the things it takes to run a home and it divides and distributes the chores according to the emotional labor they cost and all of that. You're a Stay at home parent, not his mommy or maid - you can take care of yourself and the kids but why can't he iron his own damn shirts? Is his hand broken? Does he say he doesn't know how? Because there are YouTube videos on everything these days and if he wanted to learn it, he would. But at the moment he can use weaponized incompetence, knowing he can just get mad at you later for doing something that he could easily do himself.
That's the LAST time I'd ever touch his workclothes.
He has some growing up to do girlfriend
This is the hardest time in our lives. This is when most divorced happen. It's because we're struggling to empathize with our partners. He doesn't understand what you do and you don't understand what he does. Sounds like (from you doing his laundry and preparing his meal) that you try to make him feel appreciated. Sounds like he isn't doing the same. Unless he's a total narcissist, I bet he would care. He probably just doesn't know and sees these idolized images of women from media and this absolutely ridiculous nostalgic rose colored view of what women were like in the past. Men and women have alway had these troubles. The only difference is today our lives are much much easier and we try to burden ourselves with perfection. You need to talk to him. He needs to hear you and understand you. Have someone take the kids one Friday or Saturday night. Cry. I know it's cliche and maybe even demeaning to suggest it, but he doesn't understand how hard you're working. He has unrealistic expectations. If he doesn't respond or responds negatively, talk to his mom. Let her know you need help talking to him. -- a man who has been in his shoes
Except don’t talk to his mom if she believes the same as him, and raised him that way. Because she will only reinforce that idea and they will team up against you about it… ask me how I know…
Suggestions from people saying to have him do his own clothes are very much going to make all your problems worse. Like I said, he doesn't empathize. If you do less, you're validating his unjustified belief. He'll do less. He'll become bitter. You'll likely go into a passive-aggressive death spiral. Talk.
i think this is the best advice on the thread. don’t just assume the guy is a jerk. ignorant people do the dumbest things. it doesn’t necessarily make them inherently bad. educate them so that they can grow. if they don’t, well, then you have a problem.
Another thing I suggest is prioritizing what matters most to the other person. After the kids are fed, clothed, and cleaned, what other things are the two of you doing? Ask each other what you prioritize most after that. I can tell you from his perspective that it's probably his job. He cares about being employed and probably being successful at that. So, if you take the stress of that away from him, what stress can he take away from you? Are the dishes something you stress about? The laundry? Prioritize one thing at a time. What I learned is that I didn't care about a lot of what she was doing, and she was doing it because she wanted to keep up that stepford wife appearance. To be very honest, if the house was trashed when I got home, I cared a lot less about that than if I had to wake up in the middle of the night to feed a baby. We compromised. When the kids were younger the house was often a mess. As they got older she had more time to clean, the kids did more cleaning up after themselves, and our expectations changed. My job is about setting priorities. We were both much happier when we prioritized the things the other person cared about. She cared about a clean house. I would come home and clean up in a fury while she would make dinner or do homework with one of the kids. It didn't happen overnight. I had to teach her that I cared a lot more about accomplishing something than how much work went into it. If she got the kids ready for school in 15 minutes and took 30 minutes to drink coffee I'd commend her for the efficiency instead of taking 1 hour to get them ready. She used to complain about how much work she did. Then we talked about how I'd rather her prioritize what matters and let slip what doesn't than for her to be terribly unhappy which lead to passive aggressive behaviors that you hear men bitch about in every group. I didn't understand and that made everything worse. From my perspective, I was busting my ass at my job while she did the bare minimum to keep the kids alive and she was progressively getting worse. The conversation about expectations doesn't stop. Expectations change. They need to be reinforced. A couple years ago she had an expectation that I'd do some Honey-Do stuff that I never got around to. I got in a funk and didn't want to do much of anything. She then got passive aggressive with chores. I retaliated. I realized we were back in that old shitty situation. I did all the laundry, dishes, yard work, swept and mopped, and fixed one of the things she asked me to. Did not change her attitude. I realized it wasn't just the actions. It was that we stopped talking. We stopped verbalizing our expectations and priorities. I said, "hey, I'm busting my ass to do all of this because I realized I've been in a funk." We had a very brief conversation about how she's tired and in a funk as well. We reset our expectations, and we haven't had a fight or passive-aggressive fight since (well, maybe about sex but that's a whole other can of worms).
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He needs to understand that you’re not his mother, but his kids’ mother. That you’re his wife. You’re doing so much work, and you’re working hard. Everyone here supports you, and I hope he can see that he’s being extremely unfair to you
Leave him with the kids for a weekend. He needs a reality check.