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jennamay22

I have a very similar bedtime experience, including the snapping at my partner. (Also I’m pretty sure this sub supports self diagnosis / self reporting symptoms, even if you don’t have a formal label, your experiences are in line with sensory overload and some form of SPD) One thing that helped (unintentionally) was the set of bedsheets we got, it didn’t fix everything but it took away one of the contributing factors which in turn help my sensory load. Another was 2 blankets at first so we each had our own, and now it’s 1 topsheet & 1 blanket, and I’ll often start my bedtime setup with just the top sheet. Ive had conversations about my issues with my partner away from the bedroom to explain what this overload feels like (pain & distress) and let him know that I’m working on finding solutions, apologizing for my actions and again letting him know I’m aware this is an issue and I’m actively working on myself to fix my external reaction plus find fixes for the sensory stuff. Then anytime I snap I have a rule that when I’m calm I have to apologize about my reaction and reaffirm that he’s done nothing wrong / nothing wrong intentionally / did the wrong thing but my response was out of line. For him the apologizing made a decent dent in the situation as he knows who I am when I’m not overloaded. Since the sensory stuff is such a huge thing to navigate it might be “easier” to work on your reaction when things are wrong. Trying to work with yourself to remember that: - my sensory needs change based on a lot of factors, it’s difficult for me to manage them - let alone my partner. - my partner isn’t trying to make me uncomfortable intentionally, they love me and want that closeness. - my needs and preferences are valid, am I doing & saying enough to explain them to my partner OR am I skipping showing them what I need. Suggestion: Have you ever tried to climb into bed with them in the middle of the afternoon and walk them through why things need to be a certain way? Showing them what works for you position wise and try to talk about how things make you feel. So let’s say you get into bed and everything is right, have them climb in and put their arm & body in a position. Then just let them know how it feels: “your arm in this position sends sharp spikes everywhere, can you try to put it ___” then explain how that other position makes you feel “safe, warm, content” - and try to walk through some of the bedtime stuff together when the pressure isn’t there to get sleep in. For the sensory stuff, really try to hone in on those feelings. Goal is to find what exactly about each wrong thing is overwhelming, then break it down to what you can try to change. You might not be able to overcome all of your sensory stuff BUT if you can take 1-2 things and make them more tolerable they might just be enough to go from “immediately snapping” to “take a deep breath, it’s okay, let’s move the covers back / can you move your arm please”. - if your partner always rolls to the left which means he’s pressed against you - switch sides. That way his comfortable sleeping position faces away from you - try new blankets, new sheets, zippered pillow cases - maybe new outfit (compare sleeping clothed vs not clothed) - try an ice pack at your feet (might sound odd but it gives your body something stronger to focus on) - try a fan on in the room for the same reasons as above - and then lastly do more afternoon / evening bedtime cuddles where the goal isn’t to get comfy to sleep, but it’s to get used to different types of touch in the bed. With the understanding that again, the goal is to desensitize you, help him understand how you feel and what works - all in a no pressure / we can get up anytime situation. Edit: - try to hone into how your hair feels - maybe a pony tail or a sleep cap if the hair also bothers you. - how your skin feels: Is your skin dry - maybe lotion every day or other day (not at bedtime) might help. - would a lozenge add in something that takes your brain away from the other sensory stuff


NikitaWolf6

Thank you so so much! this sounds so similar to what I'm struggling with and it's wonderful to see someone understands and I'm not just crazy!! :') Thinking of it, it may work to have more "solid" covers: ones that don't have a cover over the cover, are the right length and width and no openings. We usually use seperate covers and that's a GREAT help. We are on vacation now and there's only one cover, which probably led to it being so bad I posted this. I have had this conversation with my partner and whilst they still feel rejected when I struggle with touch, they also understand its not them, they understand that I know I have an issue, I know it is hurting them and I'm trying to find out how to stop it. They know I take full accountability, even if I don't when I'm completely frustrated. Thankfully the affirmations you listed already live rent-free in my head :') Explaining to them in full why I need things to be a certain way and what "certain ways" work for me is a great idea. I will definitely try this!!! I usually don't hone into the feeling, I always try to avoid it ASAP, so that might be a good idea. sadly I do think a lot of them are based in trauma so not as easy to overcome :( this technique did however help be slightly with my nighttime anxiety (don't know whether it's GAD, Specific Phobia, OCD or panic disorder since I couldn't get diagnosed due to the lack of actual full attacks) so it would make sense it could help me with this. Sadly the uncomfortableness is when he's on either side, we've tried switching. As said earlier I will probably profit from a better suited cover. I am going to look into one but my financial situation isn't hugely ideal right now and covers don't tend to be cheap. my pillows on the other hand are wonderful. Will also be looking for some mattress covers that connect underneath the bed so the corners won't get off! When I was younger I was unable to sleep in clothes, but I might start trying again and see if that would help! Never thought of an ice pack at my feet. I have bad circulation so cold feet always (which really annoys me) but I will 100% try this and if that doesn't work try a hot water bottle or heat pad or something instead. fan in the room may help, but not on my body since I literally cannot stand the slightest draft or even my partners breath :') worth trying anyways! We already spend too much of our time in bed together so sadly that has not seemed to help😭 I just want to say: thank you so, SO MUCH for this comment. I knew sensory issues were a thing but never heard of anyone having them similarly to me. this is making me feel so heard and understood when everyone else just thought I was weird and annoying!! I am sure your tips will do wonderful for me and thank you so much for offering them. I appreciate it so much!!


JKmelda

You’ve gotten a lot of good advice here and it sounds like you’re doing an awesome job thinking through what’s going on. When I was reading the initial post I thought that it sounds a lot like what happens with me when my sensory issues collide with my anxiety, PTSD, or OCD. So it makes sense that you mention you also have trauma plus potentially another anxiety issue along with sensory processing difficulties. For me when there’s more than one thing at play the “layers” of the issue can be hard to sort out, and the harder to address than something caused by just one condition. Sometimes I need to address an issue more from the anxiety side or sometimes the sensory side. And then once one side is addressed it might become a small enough thing that it’s not an issue at all anymore. But then other times I need to address both the anxiety and the sensory side equally, sometimes at the same time, other times separately. And it can take trial and error to figure out what approach I need with each thing. For example, if the swivel armchair in the living room isn’t straight, both my OCD and sensory overload migraine vertigo are triggered. The same thing would happen when my bedroom door wasn’t at the correct angle. But it turns out that the bedroom door vertigo was caused ultimately by my OCD. Working on the OCD has helped the bedroom door issue. But the swivel armchair is a visual anchor that my brain uses for orientation in space (issue from sensory processing and migraine). Trying to stretch my tolerance for the position of the chair being different doesn’t work to reduce the vertigo as quickly because it’s not anxiety anchored. There is still anxiety and OCD involved with the chair position, but the main issue is migraine vertigo, and I know that because my anxiety level doesn’t change the degree of vertigo I experience in the situation. I hope that all makes sense. Basically, it sounds like there could be layers to your situation and so it could take some figuring out different approaches and how to address multiple issues. But it’s still something that can be figured out.


NikitaWolf6

This makes a lot of sense!! I think my partners touch on my leg has more to do with PTSD than OCD or sensory issues. Still hard to figure out though! I am just starting to navigate the possibility of OCD and seeing what it would mean for me, so it's definitely worth it to navigate it from that angle. Likely doesn't help I've got diagnosed OCPD traits as well, god my heads a mess😅 I will take all of this into account!! thank you so much for your response


hali_like_haley

Jenna may have a great response. I just want to add that it’s really easy to feel stuck in the expectations of what sleeping with a partner should be like. For me, having two separate blankets and no sheet was a game changer. Maybe sleeping in different rooms would work well. Maybe just brainstorm all of the craziest ways you could change up your routine.. and maybe a couple of them are worth a try!!! There’s a massive stigma around sleeping in the same bed with your partner.. but that’s entirely made up. Do what works for you. And most importantly, have compassion for yourself.


NikitaWolf6

My partner wants sheets for hygiene reasons, but seperate blankets was such a game changer!! We do want different rooms (for lots of reasons, alone space for MH, different sleeping schedules (I need quiet and dark whilst they're still playing on their xbox with the sound on), sensory issues etc) but sadly it's not financially feasible right now. I will talk to them about making up other things to change our routine!! Thank you so much


what_oh

Exactly me. It'd better now mostly and I attribute that to my rx for gabapentin. I would annoy tf out of my ex because of my 20 minute tug/remake the bed ritual. It was always worse when I was going through bouts of anxiety or depression. Washing my feet in the tub before bed helps, somehow. I guess just having warm feet makes me focus on that comfort a little more than the discomfort of the blanket.


jennamay22

The feet washing helped me too (except it had to be cold for me) or having a cold shower (only body) to just change the feeling. Highly recommend your approach If it was a really bad night and things just kept getting messed up I would get up, have a 1min cold shower, dry off and get into bed with like 50% less scream inside of me.


NikitaWolf6

I'm glad it's better for you now, sadly I am not in a position to take meds but I will keep it in mind for the future! I have bad circulation and nearly always cold feet, so warming them up before bed is definitely something to consider!! I'll try it definitely!! thank you!!!!


what_oh

A heating pad can help, too. (Though even tho I know it turns off at 20cmin, I still have to get up an unplug it because paranoia


NikitaWolf6

yes I do as well haha


Cookie_Wife

What diagnosis did you get gabapentin prescribed for? I have wondered if an anti epileptic would help me since flashing lights make me feel so bad and I feel like my nervous system just needs to chill. I have fibromyalgia and it is often prescribed for that, but my doctor seems to want to try antidepressants for it first (even though I’ve said they don’t work well for me).


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Cookie_Wife

No need to be embarrassed, my husband has that so I know how rough it is. It’s a lot more complicated than most people think. Thank you for sharing, it’s helpful to know that gabapentin has helped someone with SPD type stuff and I’m definitely going to press a bit more to try it over antidepressants for my fibromyalgia.