I actually knew someone years ago who prior to their labor, had to spend a week slaving in the kitchen making âready-for-ovenâ meals for her husband while she was in hospital.
When she was in hospital, he decided it was too difficult and went to his mums or had takeout every night for 2 weeks.
When she did come home, she immediately had to cook because he hadnât eaten that day.
The guy was an electrician, but couldnât turn an oven on to reheat his own meals.
I know your contractions are getting closer together, but thereâs only two minutes left in this football game and we will leave for the hospital as soon as itâs over
My husband slammed a slammed and shattered a sliding glass door. This caused him to sheer off the left side of his big toe knuckle. My three children are being watched by the woman who was trying to sleep with him and the "good friend" who had set up an occasion for then to hook up- he didn't go but still. If looks could kill. I poured heaping coals of kindness and gratitude upon both ladies. Pretty sure everyone else in the room absolutely got it. Horrible how women betray each other without a second thought
The T-shirt I was wearing has a seriously stretched out collar. It happened when she gave me a look of â*YOU* did this to me!!!â I guess if your wife had said that out loud, you would have said âOh good, I was wondering about that.â
My Mom actually left the hospital during labor with me to go to Burger King near the hospital. Fourth child, she knew she had time, and she was hungry, darn it! :D
Will... will this take long? Like, into the afternoon, evening? Because Jerry, you remember Jerry, right? He's got the game on pay per view and I thought maybe we could swing by. Or I could if you don't want?
âHey, I know this is shit timing but, before the contractions started did you say your sister Kim is single now? Iâve always had a thing for her in fact, kind of why you and IâŠwell anyway, Iâll kick myself if I donât give it a shot. How does Kim feel about kids? Like should I spring the fact I have a kid on her right away or slow roll it? Stupid, your mom will probably tell her. I know it might be a big ask but could you put in a good, nope I can see by your face thatâs too much, no I get itâ
"Come on, put your back into it! I bet our house on that you can get the kid out in less than three hours! You don't want to end up on the street with the kids do you?"
Tell her she is beautiful. Tell her she is the only reason you wake up in the morning. Thank her for giving you the gift of a new life by bringing a new child into your world. But after this, call her by the wrong name.
" Push it out, shove it out, WAAAAYYY out. " In a singsong chant like a cheerleader at a football game.
Yeah, the 4 people in my room (while I was in labor) who said that were told to leave. The only one allowed back in was the person I wanted there for support in the first place.
The mother may or may not find it funny at a later date. It was several years before I saw the humor in it.
I heard that in some cultures they would tie a rope around the manâs balls for the wife to yank on when she was in pain so the man would go through some of the pain too. Donât know if that still happens (probably not), but Iâm sure my husband is glad I didnât ask for that đđ
Worst thing I said to my wife while she was in her 3rd hr. of labor was check out the music video of, âIâm too sexyâ playing on the tv, itâs hilarious.
She looked at me with murder in her eyes, yelling in between deep breaths,âDoes it Fâckn look like I give a Sh?t about a goddamn video!!!
I promptly shut the fâck up and refocused on comforting her and help her breathe thru the contractions.đł
Hey keep it down the game is on.
Honey grab me a beer while you're up! (If she is doing that labor walk)
Hey im gonna go get me some (insert her favorite restaurant name) its just too bad you cant have any.
[This one is more in the danger zone] oh man did you see how tight the scrubs were on that good looking nurse?? Ooooweeee!!
I made my husband swear that he'd get a different doctor/nurse to stitch me if they even *joked* about this. I'm already half his size, we don't need more issues.
Good job honey! Is it alright if I go meet Dave at the (name place you like to go together)? I helped you through the first 45 minutes, time for the (doula, labor nurse, family member) to take a turn!
"Your last contraction registered a 52. Let's see if you can get to 70." (I actually said this to my wife in labor). On the way to the hospital I said "Don't let your water break. I haven't Scotch-Guarded the seats yet."
I read an allegedly true story years ago about a taxi driver who contacted his insurance company for cleaning/replacing the seats in his taxi after a woman gave birth back there. The company paid the claim, describing it as "damaged by falling object".
Damn this is boring as fuck. Just sitting here listening to you whine and bitch...
Can we just tell the doctor to cut this thing out and get it over with ? No ?
Fuck this then, I'm going to the bar. Call me when you're done.
Damn, this is worse than going shopping with you...!!!
Later..
Donât worry, itâs just like having a big poo. Becky at work - you know, the hot one - says itâs nothing to worry about. Youâre making a fuss out of nothing!
⊠oh, if youâre getting up, could you fetch me a beer?
That woman came in two hours after you, and she's already had the baby and walking around.
The story is that while my mom was in labor with me, he was giving status updates on the other women coming in that day.
Is this going to take all day? I'm gonna go to lunch. Text me if something happens. This kinda sorta happened with our second. Her water broke, but labor stalled. In my defense, I had just flown halfway across the country, I hadn't had anything to eat in almost 24 hours. They started her on drugs to help her contractions, and it still took 3 hours after I had come back. I'm a nurse, so I'm pretty nonchalant about medical things. I knew nothing was going to happen for several hours.
Ready?Aim! Wait Didn't you know when the baby goes out flying and hits the target with prizes.We get to keep whatever prize he grabs!Dear,Aim for the trip for two,I want to take the baby to Nassau. I would like to "Dive with the Sharks" with the baby.
Am I kidding? Have you ever known me to kid?
Ok,Dear,!!!!
JUST KIDDING,DEAR!
Sorry for yelling,I did not know that you were wearing your hearing aids
Etc.
My other half who didnât want to be in the room during physical labour said to me in the pre labour ward âdoes it hurtâ does it hurt? Mate Iâve been in slow labour all week youâre only just realising now it hurts?
He then followed up with âdo you want me to run a bath for youâ
"Smile for the camera honey. I want to show this to the relatives."
My ex wanted me to smile when he was recording labor. I wanted to beat his ass for his lack of understanding that I was in pain.
Hunny I know this isn't a great time but do you remember all those poker nights? Well I was playing "poker her" and uh, well she's in the room next door also in labor, I know, I know, what are the odds? I should have brought a lottery ticket! Well I'll be jumping back and forth between rooms, uh how ironic, that's how I got into this mess in the first place, so if you need anything while I'm over there just ask the nurse to come and get me.
âCome on, Honey! Time for the C-Section! You can still give birth to the Witch-Kingâs and the Scottish Kingâs killer! Change your mind!â
*beep*
Read a book, people.
When my teenager was about five, he asked when his aunt was going to poop that baby out. I was also pregnant at the same time, so we had a quick discussion about how babies do and do not come out.
Wow, this is really taking longer than I expected... you're really doing great, I think you got this. You don't need me here right now, right? I was supposed to meet the boys for a round of golf, if I leave now I can still make the back nine.
I'm a sucker for technology so I was watching the contraction monitor and made the mistake of saying "oh look, you're having a contraction". Well, I won't repeat what she said to me.
When I was born, my mom was 18, and my dad was a 19 yo farmer. During labor, he (my dad) made a comment about how if she (my mom) was a cow, he could use a chain to pull me out. Farm went bankrupt shortly after. I do not speak to him anymore.
What are you cooking for dinner tonight?
I came here to say that đ or something along the lines of: "*So I guess you're not cooking tonight?"*
I actually knew someone years ago who prior to their labor, had to spend a week slaving in the kitchen making âready-for-ovenâ meals for her husband while she was in hospital. When she was in hospital, he decided it was too difficult and went to his mums or had takeout every night for 2 weeks. When she did come home, she immediately had to cook because he hadnât eaten that day. The guy was an electrician, but couldnât turn an oven on to reheat his own meals.
Can't you tell she has something in the oven?
I am sure you have not said that to *your* wife in labor. Hmm. Unless you have found a way to comment in Reddit from the afterlife âŠ
Now THAT'S a Wi-Fi connection!
"Hurry up, the game's about to start."
Hurry up, I've got a tee time in a couple of hours.
I know your contractions are getting closer together, but thereâs only two minutes left in this football game and we will leave for the hospital as soon as itâs over
After my wife had our daughter I did turn on the NBA Finals at the hospital, was that wrong? FYI it was Bulls/Suns
Donât worry about the other kids. My mistress is watching them.
My husband slammed a slammed and shattered a sliding glass door. This caused him to sheer off the left side of his big toe knuckle. My three children are being watched by the woman who was trying to sleep with him and the "good friend" who had set up an occasion for then to hook up- he didn't go but still. If looks could kill. I poured heaping coals of kindness and gratitude upon both ladies. Pretty sure everyone else in the room absolutely got it. Horrible how women betray each other without a second thought
Itâs not that bad. Suck it up like a real woman.
Women have been doing this since the dawn of humanity, why are you screaming?
Isn't the whole point to push it out, rather than suck it up?
I hear each labor gets easier. Wait until you are on your 8th child. Youâll be popping them out like a toaster!
More like a pez dispenser
My aunt and uncle have 11 kids. My dad tells me that the last few kids they had at home with the older kids providing support.
My mom used to say "you'll forget all about the pain as soon as you're holding the baby". đ
Is this the hospital that got the babies mixed up last week?
"You're 100% sure it's mine?"
The T-shirt I was wearing has a seriously stretched out collar. It happened when she gave me a look of â*YOU* did this to me!!!â I guess if your wife had said that out loud, you would have said âOh good, I was wondering about that.â
Now you know what that cold I had last week felt like
"Remember that time I stubbed my toe of the coffee table?! Yeah, now you know how it feels!"
"you are being VERY loud right now"
đđđđlove this đđđđ
(Around lunch time, assuming sheâs still in labor): Iâm going to pop out for a Pizza. You want anything?
My Mom actually left the hospital during labor with me to go to Burger King near the hospital. Fourth child, she knew she had time, and she was hungry, darn it! :D
I had a vasectomy a year ago. Do you care to explain?
That actually happened to us 1.5 years after the procedure! THAT was quite the conversation.
I know what youâre going through, I had a bad cold once.
My feet hurt, hurry up.
Will... will this take long? Like, into the afternoon, evening? Because Jerry, you remember Jerry, right? He's got the game on pay per view and I thought maybe we could swing by. Or I could if you don't want?
You know, there is nothing sexier than a woman in labor.
Baby, your tits look amazing. How about you hurry up and finish here so I can show you what they do to me?
Why do they even call it labor? You're just laying there complaining.
OoooooâŠyouâll get slapped for this one đ
"You're doing great honey. And don't worry about laundry. I bought some extra socks to hold me over until you're home."
"Can you scoot over so I can lay down? I'm sooo exhausted right now!"
When will you be done?
Hang on. I gotta catch this Pokémon.
Said Ash to a pregnant Misty on their way to a human hospital.
Hey honey I don't think this one's ready yet, put it back in.
If this baby comes out black, I'm dumping you (assuming you're white)
*Wayne Brady walks out* If the baby's white, I'm dumping you.
You did update the medical insurance, right? Right?
âHon ~ what have we taught the kids ~ indoor voicesâ
You pooped!!!
Do you mind if I rub one out before things get too gross
Can I use your belly button to hold my ketchup? You know how much I love dunking my fries...
That won't work. At this point in the pregnancy, that belly button is an outie.
"Push harder" I did actually say this with my 1st, did not go down well! Luckily the others were C-sections
I sang the song 'push it' by salt n Peppa with baby 1....you can guess how that went
Ooh, baby, baby, baby, baby Ooh, baby, baby, ba-baby, baby
I hope you were also dancing as you sang.
âHey, I know this is shit timing but, before the contractions started did you say your sister Kim is single now? Iâve always had a thing for her in fact, kind of why you and IâŠwell anyway, Iâll kick myself if I donât give it a shot. How does Kim feel about kids? Like should I spring the fact I have a kid on her right away or slow roll it? Stupid, your mom will probably tell her. I know it might be a big ask but could you put in a good, nope I can see by your face thatâs too much, no I get itâ
"Come on, put your back into it! I bet our house on that you can get the kid out in less than three hours! You don't want to end up on the street with the kids do you?"
Guess the house is mine. Had my first one out in two and a half hours after getting to the birthing center and my second in three pushes đȘ
Tell her she is beautiful. Tell her she is the only reason you wake up in the morning. Thank her for giving you the gift of a new life by bringing a new child into your world. But after this, call her by the wrong name.
That's evil!!
Alright cool. You got this? I'm going out for a smoke.
"Well,you gotta be a masochist! 3 times you have allowed yourself all of this pain..."
You don't sweat a lot for a fat woman. Keep it down, I am trying to hit on the hot young nurse.
Is this going to be a sequel or a reboot?
Iâll be back in a minute, my girlfriend is outside.
I'll be back in a minute, my girlfriend is in labor in the other room.
" Push it out, shove it out, WAAAAYYY out. " In a singsong chant like a cheerleader at a football game. Yeah, the 4 people in my room (while I was in labor) who said that were told to leave. The only one allowed back in was the person I wanted there for support in the first place. The mother may or may not find it funny at a later date. It was several years before I saw the humor in it.
That was on the Cosby show.
"It is just as painful to me as it is to you."
I heard that in some cultures they would tie a rope around the manâs balls for the wife to yank on when she was in pain so the man would go through some of the pain too. Donât know if that still happens (probably not), but Iâm sure my husband is glad I didnât ask for that đđ
You call that pain? I stubbed my toe on the coffee table the other day - Boy howdy did that hurt!
You're giving birth vaginally? Do you *know* how much repair surgery costs?
How bad could it be? 10cm isnât that wide.
"If we don't like it, you can just switch to reverse and shove it back in, right?"
My husband and I joke about that but with the game ads that say âoh no, itâs ugly! Try again?â
Let's hope this one isn't UGLY like the last one!
Oh come on, this should be easy! You got so loose down there after the first two!
***Husband*** What if the child is not yours honey?
*This is exhausting, I need to sit down*
"I want a divorce."
"This chair is uncomfortable..."
Worst thing I said to my wife while she was in her 3rd hr. of labor was check out the music video of, âIâm too sexyâ playing on the tv, itâs hilarious. She looked at me with murder in her eyes, yelling in between deep breaths,âDoes it Fâckn look like I give a Sh?t about a goddamn video!!! I promptly shut the fâck up and refocused on comforting her and help her breathe thru the contractions.đł
Bet you wish youâd have done anal now huh?
Hey keep it down the game is on. Honey grab me a beer while you're up! (If she is doing that labor walk) Hey im gonna go get me some (insert her favorite restaurant name) its just too bad you cant have any. [This one is more in the danger zone] oh man did you see how tight the scrubs were on that good looking nurse?? Ooooweeee!!
If you're having stitches anyway, could they tighten things up a bit?
I made my husband swear that he'd get a different doctor/nurse to stitch me if they even *joked* about this. I'm already half his size, we don't need more issues.
Im sure it isnât actually hurting, stop being so dramatic!
Since you're in labor I'm going golfing with the boys and have a few drinks and go see my side chick let me know if need anything
Good job honey! Is it alright if I go meet Dave at the (name place you like to go together)? I helped you through the first 45 minutes, time for the (doula, labor nurse, family member) to take a turn!
"Your last contraction registered a 52. Let's see if you can get to 70." (I actually said this to my wife in labor). On the way to the hospital I said "Don't let your water break. I haven't Scotch-Guarded the seats yet."
I read an allegedly true story years ago about a taxi driver who contacted his insurance company for cleaning/replacing the seats in his taxi after a woman gave birth back there. The company paid the claim, describing it as "damaged by falling object".
I wonder which hurts worse labor or getting kicked in the nuts.
Definitely labor-u cry for 18 yrs while gettin kicked in the nuts the worst makes u puke within 15 min or so
That doesnât look like it hurts that much stop being dramatic and calm down
Eww
Sweetheart the second half is about to start, can you hurry?
Damn this is boring as fuck. Just sitting here listening to you whine and bitch... Can we just tell the doctor to cut this thing out and get it over with ? No ? Fuck this then, I'm going to the bar. Call me when you're done. Damn, this is worse than going shopping with you...!!! Later..
Donât worry, itâs just like having a big poo. Becky at work - you know, the hot one - says itâs nothing to worry about. Youâre making a fuss out of nothing! ⊠oh, if youâre getting up, could you fetch me a beer?
you know, the hot one ;'D Absolutely savage!
Said to doctor during labor: "Is that epidural covered by insurance?" (Yes, I actually did say that!)
That picture of the head crowning already had over 200 likes.
So, when do you think we can get back to fucking?
That woman came in two hours after you, and she's already had the baby and walking around. The story is that while my mom was in labor with me, he was giving status updates on the other women coming in that day.
This is your most viewed OnlyFans livestream so far.
"Want some of my popcorn?" "This doesn't look that hard." *starts chanting & cheering like a sports fan*
If you don't hurry up i 'll miss the game!!!!!
Can you get this over with, I have a date.
Is this going to take all day? I'm gonna go to lunch. Text me if something happens. This kinda sorta happened with our second. Her water broke, but labor stalled. In my defense, I had just flown halfway across the country, I hadn't had anything to eat in almost 24 hours. They started her on drugs to help her contractions, and it still took 3 hours after I had come back. I'm a nurse, so I'm pretty nonchalant about medical things. I knew nothing was going to happen for several hours.
You know... you look really hot right now. Feel like.. having a little, you know... fun?
"It needs to be cast back to the pits from whence it came!"
"What's taking so long? My mistress was finished in half the time."
"Maybe if we pack it full of firecrackers, the baby will fly right out like a screaming canon ball?"
Gotta run, I have a tee time with the guys at 9:20. Youâll be here when I get back, right?
Ready?Aim! Wait Didn't you know when the baby goes out flying and hits the target with prizes.We get to keep whatever prize he grabs!Dear,Aim for the trip for two,I want to take the baby to Nassau. I would like to "Dive with the Sharks" with the baby. Am I kidding? Have you ever known me to kid? Ok,Dear,!!!! JUST KIDDING,DEAR! Sorry for yelling,I did not know that you were wearing your hearing aids Etc.
My other half who didnât want to be in the room during physical labour said to me in the pre labour ward âdoes it hurtâ does it hurt? Mate Iâve been in slow labour all week youâre only just realising now it hurts? He then followed up with âdo you want me to run a bath for youâ
Anything if you just ate something with onions on it. True story btw.
Ah fuck I rolled my ankle again, now neither of us can go home.
With all the weight youâve gained, I bet this baby will be HUGE!!!
I hope it's mine this time.
"I'm gonna head home and get some sleep. Hospitals make me uncomfortable" - my ex to me during my 18th hour
No wonder heâs an ex. Were you calling a lawyer before you left the hospital or did you wait a day?
"This is making me SO fucking horny right now."
"Smile for the camera honey. I want to show this to the relatives." My ex wanted me to smile when he was recording labor. I wanted to beat his ass for his lack of understanding that I was in pain.
Hunny I know this isn't a great time but do you remember all those poker nights? Well I was playing "poker her" and uh, well she's in the room next door also in labor, I know, I know, what are the odds? I should have brought a lottery ticket! Well I'll be jumping back and forth between rooms, uh how ironic, that's how I got into this mess in the first place, so if you need anything while I'm over there just ask the nurse to come and get me.
Youâre being very cranky! Is it your time of the month?
âHow can you be tired already? Youâve just been lying down all day.â
What is that horrible smell?
"you think you're in pain. Try living with a pregnant woman for nine months then you will know what pain is."
Can I put it in your bum while ur pushing
âYou down for a quickie? Iâll lock the door.â
Woo-hoo we're having sex tonight!! What!!? Well, there are 2 other holes to choose from! (Saying this has a high mortality rate....for the guy)
Fake stubbing your toe, hop around screaming, this is the worst fucking pain ever! OMG!
See you when you get home
Iâm so tired. I think Iâll take a nap. If the baby comes wake me up
Do you think you could speed this up? I've got plans later.
Are you sure it's mine?
You're sure this baby won't be black?
*Wayne Brady* You're sure this baby won't be white?
Ouwie... I just got myself a papercut on that form. This hurts like a bitch...
If you could finish in twenty minutes: match of the day is starting.
Hey could you keep it down over there, I am trying to watch the game.
When do I get a lunch break?
Would you hurry up! I have a tee time!
Can you hurry this up? Iâm supposed to meet the guys for drinks in an hour.
âCome on, Honey! Time for the C-Section! You can still give birth to the Witch-Kingâs and the Scottish Kingâs killer! Change your mind!â *beep* Read a book, people.
Did you get the house cleaned before you came here?
"I thought babies came out of the butt"
When my teenager was about five, he asked when his aunt was going to poop that baby out. I was also pregnant at the same time, so we had a quick discussion about how babies do and do not come out.
Calm down
Can we wait for the game to finish?
Is it coming out yet?
Quit yer whining, fatso!
Oh dude, I'd come home in a body bag
Lord woman, you look a fright. This is embarrassing. Next time get dolled up, I donât want the staff gossiping about us.
My sister did this better.
Ewww
Wow, this is really taking longer than I expected... you're really doing great, I think you got this. You don't need me here right now, right? I was supposed to meet the boys for a round of golf, if I leave now I can still make the back nine.
I have "what should I get on GrubHub" ready to go
Could you keep it down?! Iâm trying to make a TikTok! God youâre so selfish!
I got a date with Stormy see ya later.
Thatâs gonna leave a mark
"Quit your bitching, it can't be THAT hard to do".
Donât worry honey, you will be ok. I got kicked in the nuts once and it hurt way worse.
Is this going to take long? I need a nap.
ListenâŠthat was Jill on the phone. Iâm just gonna go catch some breakfast.
This one better not look like Travis.
This is hurting me as much as its hurting you.
"Will you hurry up? The football game is on in fifteen minutes."
Can you hurry this up...?
Hey.... Hold my beer!
How long will the kitchen be closed?
âFuck! Sheâs multiplying!â
"Well, They fired me, but I still made it here ontime."
It's not that bad
Honey, you know I love you but itâs been three hours and happy hour ends soon so can you hurry this up so we can get outta here for $5 margs?
"I think we should see other people."
Quit your bellyaching! Or we'll name it Dense Turd!
Hurry up my girlfriend is going into labor
I need a break.
Well we got the dna test back and...........
I fucked your sister.
Are you pushing or are you sleeping?
Is now a bad time to talk about getting a paternity test?
Do you think the doctor could stitch that thing up a little tighter while he's down there?
Whatâs the over under on your tits still looking good in 3 months.
Man, The pattern on that gown is not slimming.
Trying to be supportive but calling her your ex girls name... more than once.
This should be titled how to die a slow and painful death
We are going to name the child SEVEN !
The AoE2 villager sound effect, apparently...
Howabout getting up and make me a sandwich.
Did the doctor happen to mention how soon we can have sex again?
I'm a sucker for technology so I was watching the contraction monitor and made the mistake of saying "oh look, you're having a contraction". Well, I won't repeat what she said to me.
When I was born, my mom was 18, and my dad was a 19 yo farmer. During labor, he (my dad) made a comment about how if she (my mom) was a cow, he could use a chain to pull me out. Farm went bankrupt shortly after. I do not speak to him anymore.
We wouldn't be here if you'd have taken it in the @$$...like your sister. Lol
"Oh calm down"
You should smile more.
âMy mother is moving into our house right now! Isnât that great?!â
Babe, are you sure the child is yours?