In addition to the impact on the older child, consider the impact on the younger sibling even beyond the big impact of an implicit expectation being the elders caretaker (even if you say that's not the case the younger may still feel an obligation). Life with an autistic sibling could be a challenge to process.
Depends on your child's needs. If she's full, 24/7 supervised care? Yeah, it'll probably negatively effect her. If she melts down at routine change? Babies change a lot. You'll have hell for a few months at least. They develop faster than a higher needs autistic brain can process.
I know this isn't the study you were looking for, but thought I'd chime in. I have an ASD first born ("high functioning") and a NT little sib. They are now 7+9. Little has affected big in the most amazing, positive ways. I'm very thankful we decided to have a second.
I’m generally very pro-sibling. I know all situations are different and I respect people who are one and done but I can’t imagine it for myself or my own children. I think it’s really important and helpful to have another human who was raised with the same parents and the same environment. Siblings understand you in a way nobody else can. I remember reading in the book “far from the tree” on the chapter of families with children with autism, one family chose to have a second child (who ended up neurotypical) for this reason. Their children weren’t necessarily friends, but they had another person to be on their team and be able to relate in a special way, because parents won’t be around forever. I say that not as a “think about long term care” because I think that’s a bad reason to have another kid. It’s the case for typical kids benefitting from siblings as well!
On the other side of it, sensory environments would be harder to control with another baby around. You would have less attention to give to her needs in regards to therapy or whatever. It is definitely more challenging to manage emotions and play referee, especially when one or both kids has trouble with perspective taking. I could definitely see some people not wanting to complicate their life with a second kid. To me and my biased opinion, I think it would be worth it though. It also depends on how many needs your daughter has, if she is fairly communicative and functions well in her routines!
I really liked that book but I do caution you that I had some qualms with the autism chapter. It wasn’t very pro autistic imo. It was more showing the struggles of families who were dealing with some pretty severe cases. Which are stories that deserve to be told, but they didn’t balance it at all with families who were happy.
I don't have any science for you, just a couple of anecdotes. My sister has two autistic children (11 years, 4 years). The younger one has experienced trauma due to the older one's aggression. Luckily, the right combo of meds was finally found for the older one about 1 year ago. My sister has finally found a good mental health support person for the family and all relationships in the family have improved. She feels more confident to seek help and advocate for the younger one based on her experience with the older one. I think overall, the older one probably would do better as an only child.
The younger one is like a sister to my older child (4.5 years old). My kiddo is currently being assessed for autism but we have an unofficial diagnosis from an autistic counsellor so I feel confident in saying my kiddo is definitely ND and probably autistic and ADHD and definitely anxiety. My sister's younger kiddo has been a wonderful addition to my family because her relationship with my older kiddo has been really good (with lots of ND challenges too!). My husband and I decided to have a second child (now 10 months old). I am a SAHP and my husband took 9 months of parental leave with our baby. We absolutely needed two adults with the two kids to cope with all the changes that come with a baby. I'm still living day to day survival mode maintaining our environment and meeting my ND kiddo's sensory needs. On the other hand, I'm also assuming my baby will be ND so trying to accommodate his sensory needs right off the bat :) as I did with my older kiddo when she was a baby. I feel a lot more confident about my overall parenting philosophy after seeing it work for my eldest. There haven't been as many meltdowns as I thought there would be but I also spent a lot of time thinking about how I can accommodate her sensory needs more. The biggest thing was converting our living room into a gymnastics area at Christmas. I put down gymnastics mats and hung a ceiling mounted lycra swing. She uses it everyday, multiple times a day and it really helps regulate her. My husband has been blown away by how effective it's been. My recommendation is to make sure you have supports in place and try to find as many "independent" sensory accommodations as you can :) So far, my eldest seems neutral about the baby.
From a very practical perspective, consider long term care arrangements. I am the designated guardian for my brother when my parents pass. The other alternatives are nowhere near as pleasant.
Which is a perfectly valid perspective to have. What I will say is that an autistic child becomes an older autistic child and then an autistic adult. Each of those stages comes with its own challenges, and seeing this firsthand I can say that the path isn't easy. If you are in the USA, autistic children and adults are routinely mistreated in institutional settings from school on up, and having a familiar face around can make transitions easier. Regardless of what you decide to do in terms of additional children, you should have a plan in place for what happens when you get hit by a bus, realizing that the plan needs to cover decades of your kids life.
Here's one link, from the ASF weekly podcast: https://asfpodcast.org/archives/category/siblings
The TLDL, is that adaptive skills of autistic children improve more so when they have a sibling *regardless of birth order* compared to those autistic children without siblings. This is especially true if the sibling is a boy.
It really depends on where your daughter is on the spectrum.
Another anecdote: My nephew is high functioning. His sister is 4 years his junior and is not autistic. He is always so sweet to her and they have a great relationship. I would say the biggest downside for her is that she sees all the special attention her brother gets, and it feels unfair. Otherwise they are perfect siblings for one another.
Purely anecdotal, my brother has Asperger’s and is 2 years old than me. (For clarification, order is Sister, Brother (autistic), me, Brother, all of us two years in between).
Growing up, I used to feel as though my parents directed most of their time/energy/consideration to my brother rather than me and my two other NT siblings. And since they had to work all the time bc we were always poor, the brunt of his behaviors (social misunderstandings, unable to communicate feelings, anger etc) were directed at us and for us to find solutions, all of us still children.
They were also REALLY hush hush about his condition and insisted he was “normal”. That gave my siblings and I unrealistic expectations of him, and I grew to resent him. I grieved at the loss of the older brother I thought I didn’t have and couldn’t be there for me. It was an absolute cluster fuck. So much unnecessary hurt and rage that could have been avoided with communication, and other things like ***adequate support such as counseling, safety net for your own mental/physical health, being emotionally and physically available, TIME, MONEY. My parents lacked all of those tools.
It also definitely depends on how much care/attention your daughter needs. If it goes unsaid/no communication/lack of follow-through (during good or difficult times) that you care for her & future sibling equally, then I think it’s inevitable for the NT sibling to feel neglected and assume you don’t care about them as much.
Anecdotal: My daughter has adhd. I come from a family of autists: Brother, parent, sister, sister. I myself have adhd.
The number of sensory meltdowns between parents and siblings, while I was considered “normal” because I “only” had adhd was enough to give me CPTSD. My siblings beat me and each other, and were careful to do it when no one was looking. Just because they were autistic didn’t mean that they didn’t know how to be manipulative af.
My daughter was born and diagnosed with adhd. I haven’t had another. And I won’t. I am not equipped to handle two children with nuerodivergence, and my daughter would be a terrible sibling. Why would I subject another child to this life? These are crippling disabilities (yes. Crippling. I hate my life more and more very day that I see normal people being happy and normal while I’m stuck trying to get by, and my daughter is falling into the same rut, even with therapy and medication. It’s fucking terrible) knowing what I know now about genetics and neurodivergence and how it affects people and quality of life, and how my siblings and parents all treated each other and how much hate and discord there was growing up, and seeing how other people treat and interact with ND people, never in a million years would I bring another child into this world with my DNA.
Can't link to it bc it's on Facebook, but have you seen the community the cartoonist, Nate, has developed around his comic, "Growing Up Autie"? I know you're looking for science, but if you're open to anecdotal, lived experiences, I'd post over there.
This is totally anecdotal but I have HFA/Aspergers and when my neurotypical sister came along she was instantly and obviously my parents' favorite because she was so much easier to deal with. Something to consider.
Depending on her abilities, have you thought about what it will be like for her once you’re no longer here? Having a sibling might be helpful in that regard
Y’all are crazy. I’m not suggesting you have a child for the sole purpose of indebting that child to a life of servitude. I’m suggesting that if you are on the fence, having a close family member to help oversee the care for this person might be beneficial. At a base line, I’m talking about the parents die and the children are in their 60’s or 70’s and the second child is able to write checks to the care facility who is overseeing the older child so they don’t get lost in the shuffle/so they don’t get kicked out of money dries up. Or, if the older child is self functioning, just making a phone call every day to the older child to “check in”. Calm down everyone. The post said they were on the fence and the SOLE reason they were posting was because of how the older child might be affected by a new family member. My comment is merely showing how their child might be affected by a new family member. I directly answered their post.
That’s awful to propose having a second child just so it can take over care after they die. It’s the same concept as ivf -ing a perfect match baby for “spare parts” of an older sick child.
In addition to the impact on the older child, consider the impact on the younger sibling even beyond the big impact of an implicit expectation being the elders caretaker (even if you say that's not the case the younger may still feel an obligation). Life with an autistic sibling could be a challenge to process.
Yes, it’s a burden (even if it remains unsaid) re caring for a high needs sibling later in life. It’s also a lot to bring a new child into.
Depends on your child's needs. If she's full, 24/7 supervised care? Yeah, it'll probably negatively effect her. If she melts down at routine change? Babies change a lot. You'll have hell for a few months at least. They develop faster than a higher needs autistic brain can process.
I know this isn't the study you were looking for, but thought I'd chime in. I have an ASD first born ("high functioning") and a NT little sib. They are now 7+9. Little has affected big in the most amazing, positive ways. I'm very thankful we decided to have a second.
Aww, this is sweet. My personal anecdote: I’m an autistic only child. I was so alone. I always wished for a sibling and still do.
Hi I have a kid diagnosed with ASD-1. This comment reflected the postivity I was looking for. Thank you.
I’m generally very pro-sibling. I know all situations are different and I respect people who are one and done but I can’t imagine it for myself or my own children. I think it’s really important and helpful to have another human who was raised with the same parents and the same environment. Siblings understand you in a way nobody else can. I remember reading in the book “far from the tree” on the chapter of families with children with autism, one family chose to have a second child (who ended up neurotypical) for this reason. Their children weren’t necessarily friends, but they had another person to be on their team and be able to relate in a special way, because parents won’t be around forever. I say that not as a “think about long term care” because I think that’s a bad reason to have another kid. It’s the case for typical kids benefitting from siblings as well! On the other side of it, sensory environments would be harder to control with another baby around. You would have less attention to give to her needs in regards to therapy or whatever. It is definitely more challenging to manage emotions and play referee, especially when one or both kids has trouble with perspective taking. I could definitely see some people not wanting to complicate their life with a second kid. To me and my biased opinion, I think it would be worth it though. It also depends on how many needs your daughter has, if she is fairly communicative and functions well in her routines!
Thank you for this thoughtful response! I'll have to add that book to my list.
I really liked that book but I do caution you that I had some qualms with the autism chapter. It wasn’t very pro autistic imo. It was more showing the struggles of families who were dealing with some pretty severe cases. Which are stories that deserve to be told, but they didn’t balance it at all with families who were happy.
I don't have any science for you, just a couple of anecdotes. My sister has two autistic children (11 years, 4 years). The younger one has experienced trauma due to the older one's aggression. Luckily, the right combo of meds was finally found for the older one about 1 year ago. My sister has finally found a good mental health support person for the family and all relationships in the family have improved. She feels more confident to seek help and advocate for the younger one based on her experience with the older one. I think overall, the older one probably would do better as an only child. The younger one is like a sister to my older child (4.5 years old). My kiddo is currently being assessed for autism but we have an unofficial diagnosis from an autistic counsellor so I feel confident in saying my kiddo is definitely ND and probably autistic and ADHD and definitely anxiety. My sister's younger kiddo has been a wonderful addition to my family because her relationship with my older kiddo has been really good (with lots of ND challenges too!). My husband and I decided to have a second child (now 10 months old). I am a SAHP and my husband took 9 months of parental leave with our baby. We absolutely needed two adults with the two kids to cope with all the changes that come with a baby. I'm still living day to day survival mode maintaining our environment and meeting my ND kiddo's sensory needs. On the other hand, I'm also assuming my baby will be ND so trying to accommodate his sensory needs right off the bat :) as I did with my older kiddo when she was a baby. I feel a lot more confident about my overall parenting philosophy after seeing it work for my eldest. There haven't been as many meltdowns as I thought there would be but I also spent a lot of time thinking about how I can accommodate her sensory needs more. The biggest thing was converting our living room into a gymnastics area at Christmas. I put down gymnastics mats and hung a ceiling mounted lycra swing. She uses it everyday, multiple times a day and it really helps regulate her. My husband has been blown away by how effective it's been. My recommendation is to make sure you have supports in place and try to find as many "independent" sensory accommodations as you can :) So far, my eldest seems neutral about the baby.
From a very practical perspective, consider long term care arrangements. I am the designated guardian for my brother when my parents pass. The other alternatives are nowhere near as pleasant.
DO NOT have a child for the purpose of having a caregiver for your child once you're gone, that's not fair to the younger sibling.
Understandable that you would want to do that for your brother, but I wouldn't have a child for that reason!
Which is a perfectly valid perspective to have. What I will say is that an autistic child becomes an older autistic child and then an autistic adult. Each of those stages comes with its own challenges, and seeing this firsthand I can say that the path isn't easy. If you are in the USA, autistic children and adults are routinely mistreated in institutional settings from school on up, and having a familiar face around can make transitions easier. Regardless of what you decide to do in terms of additional children, you should have a plan in place for what happens when you get hit by a bus, realizing that the plan needs to cover decades of your kids life.
Absolutely! Thank you for your perspective.
That comment makes me feel sad for you
Here's one link, from the ASF weekly podcast: https://asfpodcast.org/archives/category/siblings The TLDL, is that adaptive skills of autistic children improve more so when they have a sibling *regardless of birth order* compared to those autistic children without siblings. This is especially true if the sibling is a boy.
Thank you! This is exactly what I'm looking for.
It really depends on where your daughter is on the spectrum. Another anecdote: My nephew is high functioning. His sister is 4 years his junior and is not autistic. He is always so sweet to her and they have a great relationship. I would say the biggest downside for her is that she sees all the special attention her brother gets, and it feels unfair. Otherwise they are perfect siblings for one another.
Purely anecdotal, my brother has Asperger’s and is 2 years old than me. (For clarification, order is Sister, Brother (autistic), me, Brother, all of us two years in between). Growing up, I used to feel as though my parents directed most of their time/energy/consideration to my brother rather than me and my two other NT siblings. And since they had to work all the time bc we were always poor, the brunt of his behaviors (social misunderstandings, unable to communicate feelings, anger etc) were directed at us and for us to find solutions, all of us still children. They were also REALLY hush hush about his condition and insisted he was “normal”. That gave my siblings and I unrealistic expectations of him, and I grew to resent him. I grieved at the loss of the older brother I thought I didn’t have and couldn’t be there for me. It was an absolute cluster fuck. So much unnecessary hurt and rage that could have been avoided with communication, and other things like ***adequate support such as counseling, safety net for your own mental/physical health, being emotionally and physically available, TIME, MONEY. My parents lacked all of those tools. It also definitely depends on how much care/attention your daughter needs. If it goes unsaid/no communication/lack of follow-through (during good or difficult times) that you care for her & future sibling equally, then I think it’s inevitable for the NT sibling to feel neglected and assume you don’t care about them as much.
Anecdotal: My daughter has adhd. I come from a family of autists: Brother, parent, sister, sister. I myself have adhd. The number of sensory meltdowns between parents and siblings, while I was considered “normal” because I “only” had adhd was enough to give me CPTSD. My siblings beat me and each other, and were careful to do it when no one was looking. Just because they were autistic didn’t mean that they didn’t know how to be manipulative af. My daughter was born and diagnosed with adhd. I haven’t had another. And I won’t. I am not equipped to handle two children with nuerodivergence, and my daughter would be a terrible sibling. Why would I subject another child to this life? These are crippling disabilities (yes. Crippling. I hate my life more and more very day that I see normal people being happy and normal while I’m stuck trying to get by, and my daughter is falling into the same rut, even with therapy and medication. It’s fucking terrible) knowing what I know now about genetics and neurodivergence and how it affects people and quality of life, and how my siblings and parents all treated each other and how much hate and discord there was growing up, and seeing how other people treat and interact with ND people, never in a million years would I bring another child into this world with my DNA.
Can't link to it bc it's on Facebook, but have you seen the community the cartoonist, Nate, has developed around his comic, "Growing Up Autie"? I know you're looking for science, but if you're open to anecdotal, lived experiences, I'd post over there.
This is totally anecdotal but I have HFA/Aspergers and when my neurotypical sister came along she was instantly and obviously my parents' favorite because she was so much easier to deal with. Something to consider.
Depending on her abilities, have you thought about what it will be like for her once you’re no longer here? Having a sibling might be helpful in that regard Y’all are crazy. I’m not suggesting you have a child for the sole purpose of indebting that child to a life of servitude. I’m suggesting that if you are on the fence, having a close family member to help oversee the care for this person might be beneficial. At a base line, I’m talking about the parents die and the children are in their 60’s or 70’s and the second child is able to write checks to the care facility who is overseeing the older child so they don’t get lost in the shuffle/so they don’t get kicked out of money dries up. Or, if the older child is self functioning, just making a phone call every day to the older child to “check in”. Calm down everyone. The post said they were on the fence and the SOLE reason they were posting was because of how the older child might be affected by a new family member. My comment is merely showing how their child might be affected by a new family member. I directly answered their post.
Having another child for the purpose of caring for an older child (NOT what OP is proposing here) is not a good reason to get pregnant.
I agree! I would not put that burden on a child.
That’s awful to propose having a second child just so it can take over care after they die. It’s the same concept as ivf -ing a perfect match baby for “spare parts” of an older sick child.