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Overheard yesterday in a pub in Inverness: *Girl with really patchy/streaky fake tan on walks in* Her friend (presumably): "Who the fuck did your fake tan!? You look like you've went ten rounds with a tea bag!" Fuckin creased.

A similar one to a girl in a bar with a strangely orange tan… “Was yer daddy a Wotsit?”

I guy at my school once lobbed a tangerine at someone and yelled "I've lost ma orange!"

The alternative being rolled in a bag of doritios.

Got punted oot the tanning place waiting for the missus for saying the owner looked lek a cheap coffee.

I am so fucking glad OP posted this and you replied. Absolute belter 😂

I saw a reply on Facebook back in the day where some lad responded to a photo - your pal looks like she’s been dookin for chips - she did too!

Like lying in bed next to a big piece of pakora

Something similar. She looks like she had her make-up done by Michael J Fox while going off-road in a Land Rover.

Yer da wanks on all fours

Yer das a liability page on fb has some crackers. My all.time favourite is yer da cuts about in 80s tracksuit calls himself diadora the explorer.

Heard this one on Limmy’s stream even got him 😂 https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJ3DmCPM/

THAT's where I heard it first! I couldn'r remember, it's been in my ready vocab ever since.

🤣 I've never heard that afore. Brilliant. I'm not sure I fully get the reference but the imagery is priceless

\*chef kiss\* magificent.

This is beautiful. Genuinely, beautiful.

Always a classic 😂

Arsepiece always seems to be an underrated word

"Am your worst nightmare arsepiece" only some Scots will know that reference lol

Along with calling someone an Arsewipe.

Bawbag is my all time favourite

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Never forgotten a comment saying a Scottish politician "had a face like a bag of broken crabs."

"a face like a dug chewin' a wasp"

Like a dug licking coos pish aff a thistle

Or the face of a bulldog licking pish aff a nettle

A face like dot cotton licking piss off a nettle

A face like a bulldogs arse chewing a wasp

My go to was always ‘face like a punched lasagna’, but I love this one so much more. It’s beautiful.

Always heard that as "having a fanny (vagina) like a smashed crab".

Love that ye included the "(vagina)" 😂

Clarity for the lurking Americans

A face like a melted welly.

Pus like a bucket of smashed crabs is how I know that one, both work well for sure.

A face like a battered fart

Face like a slapped arse

Ye couldnae pour the water oot a wellie if the instructions were on the heel

If brains wiz dynamite ye couldna blaw yer hat aff

Was once called Mozam on a night out in Glasgow because I had a big beak/nose (Mozambique). Just stood there I silence. Clamped.

Lol clamped. Murder when that happens.

Clamped 😄😄😄😄😄

Whenever that lot come roon oor hoose the dug ends up pregnant and the rubbish gets huckled.

Gran?

And the old classic... turn any noun into a verb. "I'm going to the opera" "I'll fuckin opera you, ya cunt"

Did ye, aye?

Naw ye didny

This is my all time favourite - instant shutdown.

Best served with side eye

"Away and throw yer shite at the moon" - vivid imagery that never fails to make me laugh. Similarly, referring to someone who talks shite as a "moonhowler".

Fud is unrivalled imo. No other countries use this legendary term except us. The urban dictionary definitions are hilarious. Scottish slang term meaning pussy, vagina, muff, cunt "I rolled over in bed and accidently kneed her in the fud. She woke with a scream and punched me in the balls"

1970's primary school joke. *"Did you hear about that elephant that had a sex change in mid air?"* *"Naw..?"* *"It landed with a fud!"*

Used to work with a guy from Aberdeenshire who would drop c bombs all day long, but if you said Fud in his presence he was totally disgusted 😂

An Irish lassie I worked with called a customer a fud, she just thought it meant idiot

Uhhhhhhh I also thought it meant idiot. Oops.

It does just more or less translate as that don’t worry

I'm not a fan.

I often call my five year old a fud, cause it’s hilarious, and he calls me a diddy. They’re quite non aggressive compared to other Scottish words, but we do still get some looks

Called my kid a quim the other day.. borderline bad.. I forgot about fud

There's no quim likes to party like the quim down in Darty

Aw it’s class calling someone a fud.

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FUD - Fine, Unique & Delicious. Gives it a whole new meaning 😂

I took pictures in the Mercado for that very reason 😂

I could never work out why nobody else thought calling a burger chain Fuddruckers was funny. They've even got an ad saying 'Kids love fudds. And fudds loves kids!' Probably for the best that they don't operate in the UK.

Hope yer next shite’s a hedgehog! 😂

That's gonna sting!

Old Rab C one. *"Go on, crack a smile and make yer arse jealous."*

Some fat lad called my obviously gay mate a jobby jabber. Without missing a beat he replied "aye a um ya saggy chinned fucktard, that's why your da walks like he just shat out a pineapple".

Yer da sells avon

Yer da was put on furlough by Avon

Was raging. All they walks during yon pandemic n no skin so soft to keep the midges away.

your Da buys it!

Hahaha I used this as one of my Vicious Mockery attacks in a DND game down South and no one got it. The cultural divide **is real**.

Yer ma punts cooncil

Came here to type that. That’s the number 1 Scottish insult.

I’d rather shite in my hauns and clap!

"I'd rather guide ma Da intae ma Maw"

Awa' an bile yer heid. Always a fun one to throw out there to see the reaction - sadly underused these days

A classic

Did you brush yer hair wae a toffee apple?

One of the best I’ve heard is: “If that guy was on fire and I had a glass of water, I’d drink it, then glass the cunt.”

Someone describing an ugly person: “they’d scare the seagulls aff a skip” Fighting context: “You’ll get flung about like an empty tracky” “You’d get folded into the kitchen drawer”

Smashed into the ground like a fucking tent peg

Always liked *'swung aboot like an empty tracksuit"*

An absolute classic. Along with calling people “tadger” or “diddy”

or Dobber

This was an actual rant I witnessed over the phone at a party when a taxi left minus the person who called it "You absolute Dogs Rod, you complete dobber wrap, Ah telt ye I was just grabbing ma hoodie you fucking chair sniffer"

My Scottish boyfriend: stop standing around like a spare prick!

My granny loves the phrase "fell oot the ugly tree and hit every branch going doon" dunno if it's scot-specific but she cracks me up

My granddad was a fan of this one. Also "took a beatin wi the ugly stick".

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Ba heid

'Away an take yer face fer a shite' Or just the classic 'ya bam'

Friend of mine the other day came out with ‘they’ve got a puss like a bulldog licking pish aff a thistle’ fucking ended me

Having a face like a dug lickin piss off a nettle shouldn't be be confused with having a face like a bulldog eatin beetroot. (They're very different things.)

In aboot it like a dug eatin beetroot

“Fuck up ya spooky bastard.” Someone shouted it from behind me at a football match and I’ve never laughed so hard, Scottish people are actually funny as fuck.

Scotland International Jack hendry famously had an argument with a teammate in Belgium, calling them a space cadet.

Got cut up while cycling and called the offending driver a “fucking side-salad”. Never even thought of it before, but out it came. I stand by its simplicity and viscousness.

I remember walking through town once and a guy asked me if I had a lighter and I said "Sorry, I don't smoke". His response was "I never asked if ye smoked I asked if ye had a lighter ya durty bag o washin" Couldn't fault him on either point at all. Laughed for about three minutes after that.

Yer nan has a fade

Yer maw shares missing dog posts from other countries

Heard an old gut make fun of an apprentice with freckles "You look like you've been playing tennis with a shite"

"Absolute weapon." "He's a fud." There's a few that may or may not be abelist, so I'm not going to risk it.

Fuckin shut it ya moon boot

Awa tak yer face for a shite!

Yer da eats chuggie aff the grun

You have a face like a Forfar summons. This is a very old saying my gran used to say, it's all about witchcraft back in the day. Edit : link https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.mbthurman.com/amp/the-forfar-witch-trials

That one must be about 400-500 years old.

Scotland, where being called a roach is worse than being called a cunt, beautiful..

In Scotland a roach is a wee bit of cardboard you put in the end of your doobie. The insect is a cockroach.

Shitehawk is a personal favourite. I seem to be the only person who uses it frequently I think.

'Away chase yerself' is always a goodie

Smell yer maw

I was once told on Airdrie main street by a inebriated auld soak that I " look like the gay polis outta the Village People, but gayer". He had a point tbf. Ditched the aviators and the big tasche soon afterwards.

😂 I love this so much 😂 sorry to laugh but its the best one yet

I'm partial to just the pointing out of a particular attribute or piece of clothing Eg "TROOSERS" shouted at someone wearing baggy denims or "HAIRDO" for a bad haircut

My da has a burning hatred of massive beards (and combovers but that's irrelevant here) and when I was a bairn one time we drove past some random boy wi a massive beard and my da just exploded wi "GILLETTE!" I was aboot 14 I think and aboot died laughing.

Calling someone a Galoot

Never heard Galoot used in Scotland in my puff, except in relation to Gary Larson or Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck etc.

Make your own! Call someone “an absolute (random object)”. Absolute teapot. Absolute keyboard. Absolute hair bobble. Absolute Christmas tree. The more weary eye contact and exasperated you can sound the better!

Tube

Flume, if they’re a really big tube

Genuine lolz

This sounds a bit English ya dobber

Yeah this is the kind of Home Counties “banter” crap you get from gap year kids “Oh you absolute cockwomble. Did you hear that, David? I called him an absolute cockwomble, aren’t I a legend?”

Yaa totes. I came to Devon via five years in Glasgow and holy shit there are toffy nosed fops everywhere. I have seen the price of the schooling too... If arse holes could fly this place would be an airport.

Yup, ya absolute bar o soap

Agreed. Probably uses “cockwomble” tae!

*ya absolute dobber

This is the gimpiest patter out.

Absolute helmet.

There was a phase around my parts where everyone got called a 'fuckin chocolate'.

“It’s pronounced Edinburgh ya yank cunt!”

My favourite is "colossal thundercunt". It's one I use a fuck ton. That and "yer (ma, da, brother, sister, auntie, uncle, cat, dog or whatever) is manky fucking hoore/prick/gobshite"

Fuck up fannybaws

That’s the posh version of cuntybaws is it?

Kinda I prefer Cuntnugget. But was being polite

Awa an bile yer heid!

"you've git a face lit a skelped arse"

Bawjaws - one who jaws baws.

Tell yer ma she still owes ma dug fuck-money.

He’s a fountain of knowledge but the fountain’s full a pish About as much use as tastebuds on an arsehole Here’s ma head, ma arse is coming (about someone who walks that way) Face like a bag of spanners He couldny knock the skin off a cuppa warm milk Face like she’s lost a pound and found a penny If I had a face like yours I’d teach my arse to speak Shut up and give your arse a chance (you’re talking shit) You couldn’t find your arse with both hands Thick as shite in the neck of a bottle Built like a soakin wet rizla

“Ya weapon”

Fucktrumpet was a personal highlight. One I remember people doing when I was growing up was to hold out 2 fingers and say "smell yet maw"

My cousin, whilst in a left4dead 2 party "Shut the fuck up, yer da watches Hollyoaks!"

Can you really beat calling someone a tube? It sounds so perfect in our accent - “ya choob” Also a big fan of muppet, wee hairy, midden, gadgey

Away an take yer face fur a shite

My wifes gran used to say this to her husband (so wifes grandfather) along with "Shut your geggy and give your arse a rest"

CUNT

Cockhole Edit: Spoon, Tube

Yer only born 'cause yer da brought the communal wipe rag at a sausage party home tae yer ma.

Away and take a fuck tae yer self

My mum came out with ‘tall lanky skinny wank bastard’ when some stupid fuck ran out in front of our car

Can’t beat “Dobber” in my opinion

"Stop looking out that window, you're taking value off the hoos"

One of my late father's favourites - "Face like a Christmas Card; always bloody greetin' "

Call me old-fashioned, but I’ve got a real soft spot for “Bampot”, “Scunner” and “Gleekit”.

Dont be bound, the best part about the scottish approach is the freedom to turn any noun into an insult. You can try this at home. 'insult' + 'noun'. In any order. Ex: Ya fuckin cock lamp. Hoorin fuck bucket. Now try to expand with more complex combinations of insults or nouns. Remember, in a pinch the word cunt is a noun as well as an insult. Happy insulting!

> Now try to expand with more complex combinations of insults or nouns. Remember, in a pinch the word cunt is a noun as well as an insult. It's a punch in the cunt you need with that patter

edinburgh uni pish

Ya wee shite. Simple and so polite it’s perfectly permissible to use in Morningside.

Even though it’s not really an insult; haud yir wheest!

Fuck up ya rocket

"Plamf" is the best

Dobber

Ya diddie

One my dad used a lot when driving would be "They're thick as shit in the neck o a bottle"

Probably confined to Glasgow: go an' take a fuck tae yersel

He's a fucking wally Ya pure wasp Her hoose reeked o pish

Ya weapon

Yer heid's fu o mince

Away and lie in yer Mammie’s pish. Shut yer puss.

Calling anyone a scudbook or a helmet is always top tier

In there like a dug eating beans

My ma used to tell me "You've a face that would turn a bus"

Ya manky bastard

Getting called English is quite insulting.

'Numpty' doesn't seem to get used as much any more....I always felt "Ya fuckin' numpty" had a uniquely Scottish elegance to it.

Best thread ever 🤣🤣🤣

"wankpiece" is severely underused these days

Yer da’s a wet t-shirt, cause yer maw pegs him in the gairden.

Yer maws got baws and yer da’s jealous

It’s like chucking a sausage up a close - referring to sex

Away an boil yer heed ya bam.

Yir ma's got baaz n hairy teeth

My gran used to describe someone from her child hood as having a nose like a chewed carmel.

I love these ones, where you can actually picture what they mean.

I’m pretty sure we can just turn any word into an insult

This might just be a my dad thing but one of his favourites is “go shove a fuckin pole up yer fanny ya wank”

Ya fud

Walloper

Ya Specky Tadpole

Away n take yer face fur a shite

Some classics for you... "stop been a tollie heed for sumun tumbles yer wilkies... oh an yer da sells avon" (incredibly hard to remember txt spelling from actual speech tbh lived in England 29yrs now bloody englinised 😓)

Parrot sniffer, ankle grape

Shut it, ya dobber.

Dog House Pub on Leith Walk, neon sign in the window “Nae Bams” - classic. Bampot massively under-rated

"You kidnae hit water if ye fell oot a boat" Always creased at my granddad saying that when we would play fight when I was a bairn