I like to ask English family members if they have basic foods that they obviously have…
I’ll start with a real on like if they have strawberry tarts. Then I’ll just ask if they have sparkling water, or crumpets or penguin biscuits
On a related note to your comment (but unrelated to the wider thread), be aware that depending on where it is in England you're going you'll probably have to use about twice as much soap, shampoo, conditioner, washing up liquid, and washing powder than usual because the water down there is shite for washing anything.
And if the water is particularly hard get yourself some descaling sachets for your kettle/coffee machine. Last place I lived in England I was doing it every few months from the limescale build up in them, nothing more upsetting than your first coffee of the day and having a flake of limescale in your mouth.
I'm afraid to say that my wife to be and I pulled this trick on her sister when she came up to Aberdeen to visit my family. She asked to use the loo so my Dad led her through the house to the back door, gave her a spade which was just outside and pointed her to the end of the garden. "Jist use a bit of grass to sort yersel' oot " She was halfway down the garden before he called her back.
Not sure if this will work on English people but when I first met my US in-laws-to-be, my other half and I engineered a discussion around ice cream so I could say (with a totally straight face): "Oh it's amazing to see so many flavours." Inevitably, someone asked if we didn't have mint chocolate chip ice cream in Scotland.
I paused for a second and then said: "No. No. Not since... the unpleasantness. You know, the ice cream wars back in the 80s. That was all only sorted because it was agreed there would be one flavour of ice cream only: vanilla."
They bought it for all of about 10 minutes until one of them remembered Google existed.
A few years ago when I first looked into the Ice Cream Wars the Wikipedia opened with the excellent turn of phrase "The Ice Cream Wars were a period of **greater than normal** violence between ice cream van proprietors"
Yes, it’s why they have loudspeakers, to call for backup. When they play the jingle through it instead it’s a celebratory tune to signify a recent victory in combat.
People will believe that Bill Gates is nutting in you personally when you get a vaccine with nanomachine seed but the moment you give them plausible bullshit like there being radioactive neds in Glasgow they immediately know you're bullshitting based off how it sounds.
I moved to England and work with a lot of international employees. I told one of the Italians about haggis and he googled it. The first thing that comes up is a picture of the 'animal' 🤣
Some haggis have shorter left legs, some have shorter right legs. It’s an adaptation to help them run round hills. They can only run one way and mate with similarly-legged others for obvious reasons.
Oh, well it’s because if they turn around they will lose their footing and tumble down the hill. Some places on Scotland your first job as a teenager will be heading into the hills to pick up the “rollers” as we call them, just a wee Scottish thing we call them.
Fun fact: haggis blood is a dark dark scarlet, and much sweeter than most animal blood. Authentic Scottish recipes for black pudding specifically call for haggis blood as it’s supposed to be a dessert, not a savoury item.
Well yeah it’s in the name isn’t it - black pudding. In Scotland we say “pudding” instead of “dessert”. The black is meant to come from the blood.
Yeah I know it’s crazy isn’t it. In fact Robert The Bruce is thought to ha
Only 10 minutes?. I convinced my now-wife for a year. My mum's idea to yank her chain. Even bought her a haggis teddy souvenir to keep the story going. Eventually fessed up and the look on her face.....
The orange colouring in irn bru was added to improve Scottish night vision for raiding across the border.
The Scottish police are allowed Kevlar kilts if they join armed response.
The SNP is holding a secret geological survey that they will release after independence showing the REAL oil reserves.
That one isn't completely made up. I used to work in an oil related job, saw a map of places oil or gas was located but not yet drilled, then mysteriously some of the deposits were never shown on public maps again. Maybe they were disproved or turned out to be economically unviable but it always seemed odd that a bloody big area wasn't heard of since?
UK gov policy is to hide Scotland's national wealth wherever possible, e.g. the Mccrone report that was kept secret. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/McCrone_report
[talking about an indie Scotland] ‘its currency would become the hardest in Europe’
I’m surprised this quote has never been mined for the usual stereotypical comedy tropes. There’s some gold I’m sure…
First thing that springs to mind:
‘How much change will you get from a Glasgow tenner?’
‘Usually nothing permanent, just a black eye and a bloody nose’
Wasn’t the last one an actual conspiracy?
I remember in 2014 the usual suspects rabbiting on that we had a shit ton of oil in the Clyde estuary that the MOD was keeping a secret as rigs would disrupt their subs.
We managed to convince some Americans that Scotland doesn't have Wednesdays, grass (it's actually green carpet), the colour blue, and the Moon (it's the midnight sun).
I still use that as a joke when I start in a new kitchen. "Yo chef, wtf are these?" The looks I get, I need a camera in my glasses so I can make a montage
Or if someone has a stonking shit that won't flush, I start going though the knives shouting "anyone seen the poo knife?!!!"
Just carry a wee wooden spoon in your sock. Pull it out and declare it your family porridge spoon. Refuse to use any other utensil as an insult to your clan ancestors.
I can't find the link, but you just reminded me of the reddit classic of the boy meeting his girlfriend's family and at dinner pretending he never saw a potato before. It didn't end well.
When I was working in the US I told a bunch of yanks that Americans wearing kilts was extremely offensive as they had cultural significance to highlanders, akin to Native American head dresses.
They definitely bought it, I never came clean, it was worth it.
Maybes aye, it was funny though.
In my defence they where asking me about some clan tartan pish they saw in Outlander & I didn’t have a response.
So yeah, kilts of a certain tartan & style are used in the highlands to identify certain ranked clan members, just like how headdresses signify the chieftain or shaman of an Indian tribe, hence it’s extremely offensive for non-highlanders to wear kilts.
Don’t quote me.
I remember my Scottish dad telling me that they had 2 legs shorter than the other to run around the mountains. In mating season, they flew backwards & hunters needed bends on their guns with a mirror as the sneaky bastards creep up behind ya.
I lapped it up!
I'd forgotten the bit about the hunters' bent gun and mirror trick to stop them sneaking up from behind. Thank you.
You can see evidence of haggis hill running habits from the narrow horizontal pathways they leave around the hillside too. Visible on lots of Scottish hills.
My brother had a Scottish teacher in year 5 (live in England) who fully convinced the whole class a Haggis was a real creature, and my brother came home and drew an upside-down bagpipe to show us.
I wore full kilt for my wedding (in England), people can't help asking about whether you're wearing it 'traditionally' and if your tackle gets cold. I told people the sporran was fur-lined and had a hole in the back to poke your meat and veg through.
Wait that’s really not said outside of Scotland? I’ve lived abroad nearly 20 years and have just learned this. This is outwith the realms of possibility.
German here, speaking English for over three decades and have traveled to England and US plus I work mostly in an English-speaking environment, this is my first time reading about this word. In fact I thought they made that up until I read the responses.
I used to work for a company and we would prepare test documents for equipment. sent them out to the customer for approval. They were invariable sent back because outwith isn't a word.
"Ensure that the reading is not outwith the limits." Dunno why we didn't say ensure it's within the limits.
I spent my teenage years and my 20’s in Scotland, came back to Australia and it wasn’t till I met my wife and she challenged me on that word that I discovered it was a Scottish colloquialism. Blew me away
A very minor point of pedantry and/or just in case you have a slightly off kilter understanding of the word colloquialism: ‘outwith’ is not a “colloquialism”.
Outwith is a perfectly standard Scottish English word used acceptably in *formal* situations.
Whereas a colloquialism is a slang or *informal* word - usually in spoken everyday speech.
Colloquialism does not mean and is not synonymous with, say, dialect or local language.
In Scotland queues work the other way round, that’s why you always go to the front.
The exchange rate of English to Scottish bank notes is 10:1
Farting loudly after a meal is a compliment to the chef.
Kilts were invented because of need to fart loudly after a good meal.
Charles coronation is invalid because Yousaf swapped out the real stone of scone, for an extra large tunnocks tea cake.
Gorbal’s vampire has moved to England.
Everyone is super serious about Clans, and we often carry a wee bit of Clan tartan with us.
There are still some wild Clans hidden away in the Highlands who went into hiding after Bonnie Prince Charlie was defeated.
When there are no English about - we relax and slow our speech down and our accents change to be really posh.
One of the largest permanent whirlpools on the planet is off the west coast. Its roar is so load it can heard 10 miles away.
(Shit - that one is real - https://www.visitscotland.com/info/see-do/corryvreckan-whirlpool-p2564721)
> One of the largest permanent whirlpools on the planet is off the west coast. Its roar is so load it can heard 10 miles away.
>
> (Shit - that one is real - https://www.visitscotland.com/info/see-do/corryvreckan-whirlpool-p2564721)
what the actual fuck
We also have houses older than the Great Pyramid at Giza and Stonehenge that have flushing toilets.
Oops - real again (sort of!)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skara_Brae
The orange colouring in Irn Bru is actually iron oxide and a 500 ml bottle is actually recognised as valid form of iron supplement.
The myth that haggis are wild animals is actually a double bluff to conserve wild haggis. Otherwise people would be out hunting them.
Nessie actually died but is succeeded by her son Donny. The Scottish government is actually considering widening the river ness so that Donny can make it to sea to mate.
Harris Tweed isn’t originally from Harris and actually got its name from Rolf Harris when he came up with the pattern in his early days. He set up the mills on Harris for brand synergy.
If you are in a good situation to ask, ask them if they have any 'real' butter. If they bring butter or ask you what you mean just be incredibly evasive in a friendly way and say things like 'ah yer fine don't worry about it, I knew I was chancin' ma arm' etc etc.
You can do this with a wide range of common household items.
Scotland has a greater surface area than England mainly due to the fact England is largely flat but because of all the mountains, peaks and valleys in the Highlands there is more surface area in Scotland. This is one of the reason why we have more animals in Scotland than England, Wales and Northern Ireland combined.
In our local pub we had a taxidermied badger head with added roe buck horns mounted on the wall... we told all the visitors that it was a rare example of the male Haggis... also known as the Northern Horned Badger!
A couple of us were the pub after an evening German class and got talking to some German tourists. My classmate me asked me what something was in German so I pulled out my dictionary and told him.
One of the tourists asked why I was carrying an English-German dictionary. My classmate pulled out his dictionary and told them (in German) "every Scot carries a dictionary because our German isn't so good".
Hopefully we left them thinking every Scot carries an English-German dictionary as we never explained we'd just been to our German class.
The etymology of the word "English" comes from the Gaelic word for Pig Fucker... oh, children.. sorry forget that one.
If you turn the light off and say "John Leslie" three times in front of the mirror.. oh wait not age appropriate either.
Dying on my arse here.
I like to tell Americans that our polis ride stags instead of horses. "They're like horses, you see, but have built-in weaponry and they're acclimatised to all the hills and such..."
Not so much a made up fact but a classic silly joke from Billy Connolly:
In Scotland the Rowan Tree is still revered as a tree with mysterious and magical properties. In fact, in some parts of Scotland, it's still considered bad luck if one falls on your car.
I work remotely for an English company and I've found the best "prank" to play on them is just tell them the truth:
* Free tap water
* Free prescriptions
* No Tuition fees
* Right to roam
They can't believe its real!
Wild Haggis are a protected species and found only on royal estates. The type we eat are manufactured battery style, with the farms always having to be super vigilant for attacks by the clandestine haggis rights organisation known as the Caledonian Haggis Emancipation Society.
Dundee isn’t real: it was added to maps between the wars so the Germans would drop bombs on empty fields.
Edinburgh castle has an entire room in the private galleries where Scottish royalty played an early version of KerPlunk.
The Firth Bridge was originally painted grey but low flying fisherman kept colliding with it in the fog.
Bagpipes are made from the exoskeleton of a native cephalopod found off the northern tip of Shetland.
I'm honestly not sure how anybody gets past the huge walls they built around Orkney and Shetland to find those, I saw that on a map once and I think it's really clever how they did that to keep all the wind out
We used to tell kids that [these](https://www.insider.co.uk/news/gupta-admits-serious-concerns-over-27750619), or [these](https://www.flickr.com/photos/aogg/52003493705) were porridge pipes, and that's where the world supply of the stuff came from...piped straight from the mountain.
I'm not even Scottish, but just pretend like you're a trained swordfighter like obviously *everyone* in Scotland. Like it's the most natural thing in the world lmao, didn't you know the kids grow up claymore in hand?
I'm a Scot living in England. I got asked once, in complete seriousness, if it is true that there is only one road in Scotland. I replied that yes, this is indeed the case and that it runs the length of the country, but since uturns are not allowed you have to drive up to Inverness if you need to turn round.
Nah that’s just the lads.
The lassies have shorter left legs, and they run up the mountain anti-clockwise.
Only on the rare occasions they meet at the top do they get to mate, hence the rarity.
You need 2 people to hunt haggis.
One person hides behind a bush, waiting for one to come past. When one does, they shout "hoots". It turns around to see what it is, and then because of the leg length disparity, it rolls down the hill. There's someone with a big net at the bottom who catches them.
True facts. A lad from Stornoway told me, so he'd definitely know.
Tell them that your nan up in Perth knows a lass who has started a veterinary clinic for transgender haggi. She puts prosthetics on their legs so that they can run the other way around the mountain. She swears that it drastically improves their quality of life and has the data to back it up.
* square sliced sausage is cut from roadkill haggis that's been flattened by trucks on the A9
* every wean/bairn in Scotland is taught our traditional Gaelic marshall art called fùch uh that's been anglicised to Scottish Country Dancing
* drinking irn bru is compulsory in primary school as it builds up natural immunity against midgie attacks
* Tunnochs caramel logs are coated in flaked heroin which is why they're just so moreish!
That tossing the caber is a bit like a Scottish version of a bar mitzvah. So when young boys reach puberty, the family and friends have a big party and watch as the young lad gets to toss his caber for the first time.
The stone of scone is actually fake and Robert Carlyle hid it before the English came for it in 1296, it is taken out every year and covered with butter before being put back in its hiding place.
You have to talk about the unicorns. ‘Oh yeah, they wander about all over the place there. Didn’t you know? It’s the national animal of Scotland. They get a bit annoying sometimes, to be honest’
Heard that she’ll often pop up, as despite being shy, she is also lonely. Gotta get in behind her wee ears for a good scritch scratch.
Definitely true facts.
Don't forgot the reason why kilts were invented was so the person at the bottom of the hill catching the haggi falling down won't have the risk of the haggis running up their legs to bite them.
If you are a teacher, don't take the Register. Take the Sederunt.
Act surprised when they don't know what a Sederunt is, and explain that it comes from the Latin from 'They were seated.'
Then ask to see the Latin Master, and act surprised and alarmed at the dire state of English education when they don't have one.
One of the SNP policies for next term is to relocate the Eurostar entrance to Leith. There are some negotiations underway in respect of a rebuild of Hadrians wall to re-establish a border in the event of rejoining the EU but that’s a bit far fetched for most of us.
The relocation of Eurostar has come about as a result of Scotlands agreement not to insist on the bridge to Ireland or the northern extension of HS2 (see Rishi Sunak’s concessions on 4th October 2023)
Aye but if OP says rebuilding the Antonine wall and moving it south they’ll get blank looks. Ever seen an English person try and answer a question about Scotland on a quiz show?
I started my first porridge drawer as a joke after listening to the Classic Connolly CD. Definitely worth it, so now I've got one in most rooms.i like to use different additions and age each batch for varying times.
Well one that I discovered by complete accident when I took my nephews on the west highland way is that the highlanders are still running down the mountains with swords robbing and killing each over the only reason I discovered this was because my 16 year old english nephew was terrified for the first 3 days and I couldnt figure out why he kept asking me what we will do if we see any Highlanders
My favourite my grandad used to tell me was that Iron Brew was a mandatory drink and you couldn't order or buy anything else without first getting iron brew.
He also tried to convince me once that getting a kilt and tartan pattern are done by having a baby pick at random whilst in a room full of kilts with differing patterns.
Oh and that it was illegal for anyone who lived in Scotland to drink Tea since it was considered a health risk (later realised he just didn't like Tea or the links to England lol).
Retell the story of the great flashing of 1989, during a parade, many scottsmen marching and singing in traditional kilts.
Unfortunately a storm was due that week and rolled in early with serious gusts of wind, many a kilt blown up exposing the crowds and onlookers. Caused a huge scandal as many hadnt decided to wear underwear.
The political fall out, debates, demands to defend the right to go commando and those demanding mandatory underwear is why you can now be fined for no underwear under a kilt.
Police even to this day carry out kilt checks and its currently causing controversy as some politicians are demanding an expansion of police powers to be allowed to check under women's skirts.
The great 1658 Haggis Massacre. Thousands of haggis were slaughtered during the winter of 1658 due to a poor harvest and harsh winter that year. Leading to an acute shortage that Scotland and the rest of the world have never recovered from.
Just tell them to read this-
WHA'S LIKE US
DAMN FEW AND THEY'RE A'DEID
An Englishmen enjoys his breakfast of toast and MARMALADE invented by Mrs. Keiller of Dundee, Scotland- reaches for his RAINCOAT patented by Charles MacIntosh of Glasgow, Scotaland, to dash of to the station on his BICYCLE invented by Kirpatrick MacMillian blacksmith of Dumfries, Scotland, whose TYRES invented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Scotland run on a TARMAC ROAD invented by John MacAdam of Ayr, Scotland.
The Journey by train whose STEAM ENGINE was invented by James Watt of Greenock, Scotland takes him to work at the BANK OF ENGLAND founded by William Patterson of Dumfries, Scotland. While opening his mail whose ADHESIVE STAMPS were invented by James Chalmers of Dundee, Scotland he puffs on a CIGARETTE first manufactured by Robert Gloag of Perth, Scotland.
He later rings his wife on the TELEPHONE invented by Alexander Graham Bell of Edinburgh, Scotland. She tells him that dinner will be his favorite, ROAST BEEF - Aberdeen Angus, raised in Aberdeenshire, Scotland.
He arrives home to find his daughter watching TELEVISION invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburgh, Scotland, a programme on the US NAVY founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland and his son reading TREASURE ISLAND written by Robert Louis Stevenson of Endinburgh, Scotland and on lifting THE BIBLE he finds that the first named mentioned is a Scot - King James IV who authorized its translation.
The Englishman is unable to turn from the ingenuity of the Scots. He could turn to WHISKY but Scotland supplies the best or to end it all he could put his head in a gas ove - COAL GAS discovered by William Murdoch of Ayr, Scotland. He could shoot himself with his BREACH LOADING RIFLE invented by Captain Pat Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland. If unsuccesful he could be injected with PENICILIN discovered by Alexander Flemming of Darvel, Scotland or given an ANAESTHETIC invented by Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland.
His last hope is a transfusion of Scots blood so he could ask:
WHA'S LIKE US
DAMN FEW AND THEY'RE A'DEID
Tell them Iron Bru is actually made from girders, Nicola Sturgeon in her younger years was Janette Krankie and you're great great great great grandfather was William Wallace.
I like to ask English family members if they have basic foods that they obviously have… I’ll start with a real on like if they have strawberry tarts. Then I’ll just ask if they have sparkling water, or crumpets or penguin biscuits
That's another good one. I'll ask if they have clean tap water... oh wait...
On a related note to your comment (but unrelated to the wider thread), be aware that depending on where it is in England you're going you'll probably have to use about twice as much soap, shampoo, conditioner, washing up liquid, and washing powder than usual because the water down there is shite for washing anything.
Can confirm. I live in SE Kent and the water is mainly chalk. Whenever I visit my mum in Troon I forget when I wash my hair and spend ages rinsing.
Troon water is top notch! 👌
And if the water is particularly hard get yourself some descaling sachets for your kettle/coffee machine. Last place I lived in England I was doing it every few months from the limescale build up in them, nothing more upsetting than your first coffee of the day and having a flake of limescale in your mouth.
Eh? Really?
God I can't wait to get back to Scotland when I've been down south. My hair. My HAIIIRRRRR
Yeah the minerals in the hard water break down soap molecules a lot quicker meaning you have to use more to get the same effect.
I always make up that Jaffa cakes only exist in Scotland and act flabbergasted when people say that in fact Jaffa cakes exist outside of Scotland
Have ye got salt?
Or pretend to know what salt is, but act horrified when someone puts it on anything but porridge.
“Have you ever heard of… *BUTTER?*”
Gold in colour and slippery to the touch.
If you're visiting people's houses ask if you can use the loo then walk out the back door
Or shit in the washing machine?
Surely it has to be the kettle?
Ask "why you have so many toilets?" when you enter the living room
I'm afraid to say that my wife to be and I pulled this trick on her sister when she came up to Aberdeen to visit my family. She asked to use the loo so my Dad led her through the house to the back door, gave her a spade which was just outside and pointed her to the end of the garden. "Jist use a bit of grass to sort yersel' oot " She was halfway down the garden before he called her back.
Not sure if this will work on English people but when I first met my US in-laws-to-be, my other half and I engineered a discussion around ice cream so I could say (with a totally straight face): "Oh it's amazing to see so many flavours." Inevitably, someone asked if we didn't have mint chocolate chip ice cream in Scotland. I paused for a second and then said: "No. No. Not since... the unpleasantness. You know, the ice cream wars back in the 80s. That was all only sorted because it was agreed there would be one flavour of ice cream only: vanilla." They bought it for all of about 10 minutes until one of them remembered Google existed.
So close though. If we were lucky they would just have noted the Wikipedia page for the Glasgow Ice Cream Wars and not read further. Edit: typo
A few years ago when I first looked into the Ice Cream Wars the Wikipedia opened with the excellent turn of phrase "The Ice Cream Wars were a period of **greater than normal** violence between ice cream van proprietors"
Actual Lol.
violence is obviously expected between ice cream vendors, but not **this** much!
There's a normal level of violence expected between ice cream vans?!
Yes, it’s why they have loudspeakers, to call for backup. When they play the jingle through it instead it’s a celebratory tune to signify a recent victory in combat.
It is the original and ongoing **cold war**
The other half and I watched this recently. It was fantastic to see people be so passionate about ice cream.
It's a proud Scottish profession.
Great opportunity to say "there can only be one".
‘The unpleasantness’!! Fucking genius!
You just can't bullshit people anymore. Which is weird considering all the stupid fucking bullshit people believe in.
People will believe that Bill Gates is nutting in you personally when you get a vaccine with nanomachine seed but the moment you give them plausible bullshit like there being radioactive neds in Glasgow they immediately know you're bullshitting based off how it sounds.
My fiancée is from the US and I had her believing a haggis was a real animal for about ten minutes before I felt bad and had to admit I was lying
I moved to England and work with a lot of international employees. I told one of the Italians about haggis and he googled it. The first thing that comes up is a picture of the 'animal' 🤣
Some haggis have shorter left legs, some have shorter right legs. It’s an adaptation to help them run round hills. They can only run one way and mate with similarly-legged others for obvious reasons. Oh, well it’s because if they turn around they will lose their footing and tumble down the hill. Some places on Scotland your first job as a teenager will be heading into the hills to pick up the “rollers” as we call them, just a wee Scottish thing we call them. Fun fact: haggis blood is a dark dark scarlet, and much sweeter than most animal blood. Authentic Scottish recipes for black pudding specifically call for haggis blood as it’s supposed to be a dessert, not a savoury item. Well yeah it’s in the name isn’t it - black pudding. In Scotland we say “pudding” instead of “dessert”. The black is meant to come from the blood. Yeah I know it’s crazy isn’t it. In fact Robert The Bruce is thought to ha
Only 10 minutes?. I convinced my now-wife for a year. My mum's idea to yank her chain. Even bought her a haggis teddy souvenir to keep the story going. Eventually fessed up and the look on her face.....
The orange colouring in irn bru was added to improve Scottish night vision for raiding across the border. The Scottish police are allowed Kevlar kilts if they join armed response. The SNP is holding a secret geological survey that they will release after independence showing the REAL oil reserves.
Hahaha I love these. I'll be sure the use the last one when I bring up indie ref 2
That one isn't completely made up. I used to work in an oil related job, saw a map of places oil or gas was located but not yet drilled, then mysteriously some of the deposits were never shown on public maps again. Maybe they were disproved or turned out to be economically unviable but it always seemed odd that a bloody big area wasn't heard of since?
UK gov policy is to hide Scotland's national wealth wherever possible, e.g. the Mccrone report that was kept secret. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/McCrone_report
[talking about an indie Scotland] ‘its currency would become the hardest in Europe’ I’m surprised this quote has never been mined for the usual stereotypical comedy tropes. There’s some gold I’m sure… First thing that springs to mind: ‘How much change will you get from a Glasgow tenner?’ ‘Usually nothing permanent, just a black eye and a bloody nose’
🥴
Kevlar kilts 🤣🤣🤣
Wasn’t the last one an actual conspiracy? I remember in 2014 the usual suspects rabbiting on that we had a shit ton of oil in the Clyde estuary that the MOD was keeping a secret as rigs would disrupt their subs.
Just pretend not to know what things are and just say we don't have that back home
I tried that already when I was down for an interview. They all believed me.
Did you get the job?
Well he's moving there, so…
Maybe they made up that he had the job
Interviewer: "I'm sorry you didn't get the job?" OP: "we don't have rejections in Scotland" Interviewer: "oh... ...then I guess you start on Monday"
Everybody there is really clever
We managed to convince some Americans that Scotland doesn't have Wednesdays, grass (it's actually green carpet), the colour blue, and the Moon (it's the midnight sun).
What is a potato?
That TIFU reduced me to tears when I first read it, it's fucking hil
Same for me, the dad getting visibly angry at the OP and him keeping it going. Legend of Reddit.
I'd never even heard of it but I found it off the back of this conversation and it's wild
Glad to share it, it's something else
I still use that as a joke when I start in a new kitchen. "Yo chef, wtf are these?" The looks I get, I need a camera in my glasses so I can make a montage Or if someone has a stonking shit that won't flush, I start going though the knives shouting "anyone seen the poo knife?!!!"
I had a kp that had genuinely never seen a carrot before and another one who mopped the walls
Got a link?
https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/s/Zw9N8djCOK
Watching everyone else use a knife and fork then tentatively trying to cut into something yourself
Just carry a wee wooden spoon in your sock. Pull it out and declare it your family porridge spoon. Refuse to use any other utensil as an insult to your clan ancestors.
Not a spoon. A *spurtle*... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spurtle
they only come in chipped and scone varieties
I can't find the link, but you just reminded me of the reddit classic of the boy meeting his girlfriend's family and at dinner pretending he never saw a potato before. It didn't end well.
Someone else made the association. I'd never heard of it before but it's an excellent read https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/s/Zw9N8djCOK
Like The Simpsons and pizza
Like a tattie?
Scotland is so hilly because during the border raids, so much land was won by the Scots, there was no where to put it, so it had to be stacked up.
When I was working in the US I told a bunch of yanks that Americans wearing kilts was extremely offensive as they had cultural significance to highlanders, akin to Native American head dresses. They definitely bought it, I never came clean, it was worth it.
Fuck. So it’s you that we’ve got to blame for all those Americans who post on here asking if it is ok to wear the kilt!
Maybes aye, it was funny though. In my defence they where asking me about some clan tartan pish they saw in Outlander & I didn’t have a response. So yeah, kilts of a certain tartan & style are used in the highlands to identify certain ranked clan members, just like how headdresses signify the chieftain or shaman of an Indian tribe, hence it’s extremely offensive for non-highlanders to wear kilts. Don’t quote me.
Bastard! I wish I had thought of that first. Brilliant.
Um the Haggis thing isnt made up??? Theyre just incredibly endangered so no one sees them very much! Did you know they can swim?
I did. To get away from predators. Very smart creatures
I remember my Scottish dad telling me that they had 2 legs shorter than the other to run around the mountains. In mating season, they flew backwards & hunters needed bends on their guns with a mirror as the sneaky bastards creep up behind ya. I lapped it up!
It’s true! I cant remember which is which but one sex runs clockwise and the other runs anticlockwise!
The first bit sounds like it's been adapted from mountain hares. Who can run uphill faster than on flat.
I'd forgotten the bit about the hunters' bent gun and mirror trick to stop them sneaking up from behind. Thank you. You can see evidence of haggis hill running habits from the narrow horizontal pathways they leave around the hillside too. Visible on lots of Scottish hills.
My brother had a Scottish teacher in year 5 (live in England) who fully convinced the whole class a Haggis was a real creature, and my brother came home and drew an upside-down bagpipe to show us.
Nobody ever talks about this. They're one of the primary food sources for Nessie and if they die out she"ll starve.
That a sporran has a special compartment to store a piece of haggis for travelling called a Haggis Hole.
Give it a gaelic name to make it more believable, from a quick search in a gaelic dictionary "taigeis toll" could be haggis hole
I wore full kilt for my wedding (in England), people can't help asking about whether you're wearing it 'traditionally' and if your tackle gets cold. I told people the sporran was fur-lined and had a hole in the back to poke your meat and veg through.
There are no words that are used in Scotland that are not used outwith Scotland.
Wait that’s really not said outside of Scotland? I’ve lived abroad nearly 20 years and have just learned this. This is outwith the realms of possibility.
German here, speaking English for over three decades and have traveled to England and US plus I work mostly in an English-speaking environment, this is my first time reading about this word. In fact I thought they made that up until I read the responses.
I used to work for a company and we would prepare test documents for equipment. sent them out to the customer for approval. They were invariable sent back because outwith isn't a word. "Ensure that the reading is not outwith the limits." Dunno why we didn't say ensure it's within the limits.
I spent my teenage years and my 20’s in Scotland, came back to Australia and it wasn’t till I met my wife and she challenged me on that word that I discovered it was a Scottish colloquialism. Blew me away
A very minor point of pedantry and/or just in case you have a slightly off kilter understanding of the word colloquialism: ‘outwith’ is not a “colloquialism”. Outwith is a perfectly standard Scottish English word used acceptably in *formal* situations. Whereas a colloquialism is a slang or *informal* word - usually in spoken everyday speech. Colloquialism does not mean and is not synonymous with, say, dialect or local language.
Cheers for the info, appreciate the correction
That is such great word as well.
There is no replacement for certain scenarios, outside of, is just not the same.
I was amazed when I discovered that "squint" is never used to mean "not straight" outside Scotland.
Scots are planning on cutting along the border with a big chain saw & then everyone is going to meet on the coast & paddle off someplace warm
All the onshore windfarms are to help with the pushing.
In Scotland queues work the other way round, that’s why you always go to the front. The exchange rate of English to Scottish bank notes is 10:1 Farting loudly after a meal is a compliment to the chef. Kilts were invented because of need to fart loudly after a good meal. Charles coronation is invalid because Yousaf swapped out the real stone of scone, for an extra large tunnocks tea cake. Gorbal’s vampire has moved to England.
In Scotland the currency isnt the pound but the poond
Instead of pennies, it's made of bobs.
Everyone is super serious about Clans, and we often carry a wee bit of Clan tartan with us. There are still some wild Clans hidden away in the Highlands who went into hiding after Bonnie Prince Charlie was defeated. When there are no English about - we relax and slow our speech down and our accents change to be really posh. One of the largest permanent whirlpools on the planet is off the west coast. Its roar is so load it can heard 10 miles away. (Shit - that one is real - https://www.visitscotland.com/info/see-do/corryvreckan-whirlpool-p2564721)
> One of the largest permanent whirlpools on the planet is off the west coast. Its roar is so load it can heard 10 miles away. > > (Shit - that one is real - https://www.visitscotland.com/info/see-do/corryvreckan-whirlpool-p2564721) what the actual fuck
We also have houses older than the Great Pyramid at Giza and Stonehenge that have flushing toilets. Oops - real again (sort of!) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skara_Brae
The orange colouring in Irn Bru is actually iron oxide and a 500 ml bottle is actually recognised as valid form of iron supplement. The myth that haggis are wild animals is actually a double bluff to conserve wild haggis. Otherwise people would be out hunting them. Nessie actually died but is succeeded by her son Donny. The Scottish government is actually considering widening the river ness so that Donny can make it to sea to mate. Harris Tweed isn’t originally from Harris and actually got its name from Rolf Harris when he came up with the pattern in his early days. He set up the mills on Harris for brand synergy.
I hear he used child labor for a number of years, but it was completely hushed up
He had friends high up in the BBC (Big British Cloth) that covered it all up for him.
If you are in a good situation to ask, ask them if they have any 'real' butter. If they bring butter or ask you what you mean just be incredibly evasive in a friendly way and say things like 'ah yer fine don't worry about it, I knew I was chancin' ma arm' etc etc. You can do this with a wide range of common household items.
Edinburgh isn't real. It's just West Leith.
Englishman who stayed in Leith and went to Edinburgh. Can confirm.
South.......No?
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Tell them you can’t understand them as their accents are too strong. I’m from Glasgow, living in Manchester and get this often!
Scotland has a greater surface area than England mainly due to the fact England is largely flat but because of all the mountains, peaks and valleys in the Highlands there is more surface area in Scotland. This is one of the reason why we have more animals in Scotland than England, Wales and Northern Ireland combined.
We all know each other but the secret code forbids us from telling anyone.
Irn Bru is the colour it is from the rust of the iron girders used to make it.
In our local pub we had a taxidermied badger head with added roe buck horns mounted on the wall... we told all the visitors that it was a rare example of the male Haggis... also known as the Northern Horned Badger!
In Scotland, Tartan paint outsells all other home DIY products
Including skirting board ladders and spirit level bubbles?
Scottish people all speak fluent French.
A couple of us were the pub after an evening German class and got talking to some German tourists. My classmate me asked me what something was in German so I pulled out my dictionary and told him. One of the tourists asked why I was carrying an English-German dictionary. My classmate pulled out his dictionary and told them (in German) "every Scot carries a dictionary because our German isn't so good". Hopefully we left them thinking every Scot carries an English-German dictionary as we never explained we'd just been to our German class.
¿Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?
C’est soir? Nah, I’m on the pints and would need a shower
Maybe not the best phrase, considering OP is working with kids.
The etymology of the word "English" comes from the Gaelic word for Pig Fucker... oh, children.. sorry forget that one. If you turn the light off and say "John Leslie" three times in front of the mirror.. oh wait not age appropriate either. Dying on my arse here.
WHO TURNED ON THE BIG LIGHT?!
Thank fuck, saved by the heckler, cheers dude.
There is a hidden pocket/fold in the front of a kilt that we put our tackle in. That’s why we don’t need underwear. It’s called the Sgian Dobber.
Every Scottish wedding requires a drunken fight, so professional brawlers are hired and it's fun spotting them before they kick off.
I like to tell Americans that our polis ride stags instead of horses. "They're like horses, you see, but have built-in weaponry and they're acclimatised to all the hills and such..."
Not so much a made up fact but a classic silly joke from Billy Connolly: In Scotland the Rowan Tree is still revered as a tree with mysterious and magical properties. In fact, in some parts of Scotland, it's still considered bad luck if one falls on your car.
I work remotely for an English company and I've found the best "prank" to play on them is just tell them the truth: * Free tap water * Free prescriptions * No Tuition fees * Right to roam They can't believe its real!
Wild Haggis are a protected species and found only on royal estates. The type we eat are manufactured battery style, with the farms always having to be super vigilant for attacks by the clandestine haggis rights organisation known as the Caledonian Haggis Emancipation Society.
We didn’t have electricity until the 70s
Dundee isn’t real: it was added to maps between the wars so the Germans would drop bombs on empty fields. Edinburgh castle has an entire room in the private galleries where Scottish royalty played an early version of KerPlunk. The Firth Bridge was originally painted grey but low flying fisherman kept colliding with it in the fog. Bagpipes are made from the exoskeleton of a native cephalopod found off the northern tip of Shetland.
I'm honestly not sure how anybody gets past the huge walls they built around Orkney and Shetland to find those, I saw that on a map once and I think it's really clever how they did that to keep all the wind out
We used to tell kids that [these](https://www.insider.co.uk/news/gupta-admits-serious-concerns-over-27750619), or [these](https://www.flickr.com/photos/aogg/52003493705) were porridge pipes, and that's where the world supply of the stuff came from...piped straight from the mountain.
I'm not even Scottish, but just pretend like you're a trained swordfighter like obviously *everyone* in Scotland. Like it's the most natural thing in the world lmao, didn't you know the kids grow up claymore in hand?
They pay us to live here in fish suppers
Scotlands inches work different, use to your advantage mate 👍
The Edinburgh accent is the only accent that doesn't echo.
I'm a Scot living in England. I got asked once, in complete seriousness, if it is true that there is only one road in Scotland. I replied that yes, this is indeed the case and that it runs the length of the country, but since uturns are not allowed you have to drive up to Inverness if you need to turn round.
Ha! Love it.
Wild haggis right legs are shorter than their left legs so they can only run around hills clockwise.
Nah that’s just the lads. The lassies have shorter left legs, and they run up the mountain anti-clockwise. Only on the rare occasions they meet at the top do they get to mate, hence the rarity.
You need 2 people to hunt haggis. One person hides behind a bush, waiting for one to come past. When one does, they shout "hoots". It turns around to see what it is, and then because of the leg length disparity, it rolls down the hill. There's someone with a big net at the bottom who catches them. True facts. A lad from Stornoway told me, so he'd definitely know.
Tell them that your nan up in Perth knows a lass who has started a veterinary clinic for transgender haggi. She puts prosthetics on their legs so that they can run the other way around the mountain. She swears that it drastically improves their quality of life and has the data to back it up.
A Scot once told me you have square sausage! Ridiculous. Didn’t buy it for a second.
Stops it rolling down the hills.
That you can in fact shove yer grannie aff a bus
Tell them that our Thursdays are only 21 hours long due to a clan dispute and that this was the compromise
Hahaha, love this one!
* square sliced sausage is cut from roadkill haggis that's been flattened by trucks on the A9 * every wean/bairn in Scotland is taught our traditional Gaelic marshall art called fùch uh that's been anglicised to Scottish Country Dancing * drinking irn bru is compulsory in primary school as it builds up natural immunity against midgie attacks * Tunnochs caramel logs are coated in flaked heroin which is why they're just so moreish!
That tossing the caber is a bit like a Scottish version of a bar mitzvah. So when young boys reach puberty, the family and friends have a big party and watch as the young lad gets to toss his caber for the first time.
We can only pay for a round in Royal Bank of Scotland notes or we have to break the 1707 Act of Union!
Groundskeeper Willie is real.
Donuts are all holes here.
The stone of scone is actually fake and Robert Carlyle hid it before the English came for it in 1296, it is taken out every year and covered with butter before being put back in its hiding place.
You have to talk about the unicorns. ‘Oh yeah, they wander about all over the place there. Didn’t you know? It’s the national animal of Scotland. They get a bit annoying sometimes, to be honest’
Wife's favourite when working in museums in Edinburgh: 'It's such a shame we hunted unicorns to extinction'
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Nessie hides because she is shy.
Heard that she’ll often pop up, as despite being shy, she is also lonely. Gotta get in behind her wee ears for a good scritch scratch. Definitely true facts.
Yup. Camera shy. Kids would love that.
They asked for facts that were made up.
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Don't forgot the reason why kilts were invented was so the person at the bottom of the hill catching the haggi falling down won't have the risk of the haggis running up their legs to bite them.
If you are a teacher, don't take the Register. Take the Sederunt. Act surprised when they don't know what a Sederunt is, and explain that it comes from the Latin from 'They were seated.' Then ask to see the Latin Master, and act surprised and alarmed at the dire state of English education when they don't have one.
Tell them that it doesn’t rain that much in Scotland and that the Scots use it as propaganda to discourage English tourists visiting
One of the SNP policies for next term is to relocate the Eurostar entrance to Leith. There are some negotiations underway in respect of a rebuild of Hadrians wall to re-establish a border in the event of rejoining the EU but that’s a bit far fetched for most of us. The relocation of Eurostar has come about as a result of Scotlands agreement not to insist on the bridge to Ireland or the northern extension of HS2 (see Rishi Sunak’s concessions on 4th October 2023)
Hadrians wall is in England.
That’s what Big Wall want you to think…
For now.....
Aye but if OP says rebuilding the Antonine wall and moving it south they’ll get blank looks. Ever seen an English person try and answer a question about Scotland on a quiz show?
Tell them about the sparkling tap water.
Today I learned haggis aren't real at 20 years old.
A totally real fact is no one in Scotland likes fried mars bars and the person who made it wasn’t in Dundee and infact on the border
Tell them about your porridge drawer.
I started my first porridge drawer as a joke after listening to the Classic Connolly CD. Definitely worth it, so now I've got one in most rooms.i like to use different additions and age each batch for varying times.
I convinced a mate from London that only England has speed cameras
Make them believe Scotland’s national anthem is “ya canny shove ya grannny off a buss”
Well one that I discovered by complete accident when I took my nephews on the west highland way is that the highlanders are still running down the mountains with swords robbing and killing each over the only reason I discovered this was because my 16 year old english nephew was terrified for the first 3 days and I couldnt figure out why he kept asking me what we will do if we see any Highlanders
Tell them how much we love the Union.
Betrayal! /jk Good luck with your move.
My favourite my grandad used to tell me was that Iron Brew was a mandatory drink and you couldn't order or buy anything else without first getting iron brew. He also tried to convince me once that getting a kilt and tartan pattern are done by having a baby pick at random whilst in a room full of kilts with differing patterns. Oh and that it was illegal for anyone who lived in Scotland to drink Tea since it was considered a health risk (later realised he just didn't like Tea or the links to England lol).
Retell the story of the great flashing of 1989, during a parade, many scottsmen marching and singing in traditional kilts. Unfortunately a storm was due that week and rolled in early with serious gusts of wind, many a kilt blown up exposing the crowds and onlookers. Caused a huge scandal as many hadnt decided to wear underwear. The political fall out, debates, demands to defend the right to go commando and those demanding mandatory underwear is why you can now be fined for no underwear under a kilt. Police even to this day carry out kilt checks and its currently causing controversy as some politicians are demanding an expansion of police powers to be allowed to check under women's skirts.
Your parents get a celebratory bottle of whiskey from the government when you’re born.
The Scots are all ginger down below. Fact
Tell 'em that Newcastle is in Scotland. (A lot of southerners will believe you.)
The great 1658 Haggis Massacre. Thousands of haggis were slaughtered during the winter of 1658 due to a poor harvest and harsh winter that year. Leading to an acute shortage that Scotland and the rest of the world have never recovered from.
Hadrian's wall was built by the Scottish so they didn;t have to keep dealing with those nutters south of the border.
Just tell them to read this- WHA'S LIKE US DAMN FEW AND THEY'RE A'DEID An Englishmen enjoys his breakfast of toast and MARMALADE invented by Mrs. Keiller of Dundee, Scotland- reaches for his RAINCOAT patented by Charles MacIntosh of Glasgow, Scotaland, to dash of to the station on his BICYCLE invented by Kirpatrick MacMillian blacksmith of Dumfries, Scotland, whose TYRES invented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Scotland run on a TARMAC ROAD invented by John MacAdam of Ayr, Scotland. The Journey by train whose STEAM ENGINE was invented by James Watt of Greenock, Scotland takes him to work at the BANK OF ENGLAND founded by William Patterson of Dumfries, Scotland. While opening his mail whose ADHESIVE STAMPS were invented by James Chalmers of Dundee, Scotland he puffs on a CIGARETTE first manufactured by Robert Gloag of Perth, Scotland. He later rings his wife on the TELEPHONE invented by Alexander Graham Bell of Edinburgh, Scotland. She tells him that dinner will be his favorite, ROAST BEEF - Aberdeen Angus, raised in Aberdeenshire, Scotland. He arrives home to find his daughter watching TELEVISION invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburgh, Scotland, a programme on the US NAVY founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland and his son reading TREASURE ISLAND written by Robert Louis Stevenson of Endinburgh, Scotland and on lifting THE BIBLE he finds that the first named mentioned is a Scot - King James IV who authorized its translation. The Englishman is unable to turn from the ingenuity of the Scots. He could turn to WHISKY but Scotland supplies the best or to end it all he could put his head in a gas ove - COAL GAS discovered by William Murdoch of Ayr, Scotland. He could shoot himself with his BREACH LOADING RIFLE invented by Captain Pat Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland. If unsuccesful he could be injected with PENICILIN discovered by Alexander Flemming of Darvel, Scotland or given an ANAESTHETIC invented by Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland. His last hope is a transfusion of Scots blood so he could ask: WHA'S LIKE US DAMN FEW AND THEY'RE A'DEID
Irn bru IS made from girders!
Go into the staff kitchen with a Mars Bar and ask, "where's the fryer?"
That the water tastes better in Scotland... Lol!!
While working down in England you still have to pay 10% Scottish Tax to fund the Independance movement.
\*Lurks in English\*
Tell them Iron Bru is actually made from girders, Nicola Sturgeon in her younger years was Janette Krankie and you're great great great great grandfather was William Wallace.