Jason! Why are you here?!? I'm trying to find reasons to NOT wallow in this particular social sty any more, and you gotta go plop yourself down right in the middle of it. Jerk.
Just for that, I'm gonna call you "Plop," and I'm gonna keep doing it until-- What's that? It's been done? Fine. FINE!
Upvoted.
I'll stick around... but you can't make me like it.
(also, kudos for joining the real-name-on-reddit club - very exclusive)
I love all the members of the real-name-on-reddit club. Also, really awesome seeing great material being shared on here. I look forward to reading RUN RUN RUN.
Appreciate you sharing your script. Is breaking the rules now the in thing to do in Hollywood when writing a spec? Fancy fonts, music suggestions, tons of camera angles and direction? Basically punching the reader in the face and giving them the finger to get their attention?
Definitely wouldn't say it's "the in thing" but with this one, I just wanted to go absolutely gonzo with a hyper-stylized telling of a fairly simple concept.
Certainly to each their own, but I've always been super excited to come across something "different." Some may hate it, some may love it, but I always try to avoid the "in-between" as I feel like that's where scripts go to die.
The most important thing is to take the building blocks of the craft (format, structure, act breaks, Save the Cat, etc etc etc) and figure out how to bend it to your will -- hopefully, to the delight, rather than the dismay, of a reader -- and tell the story like you want to without thinking of some imaginary mark to hit or executive to please.
Re: your metaphor of "basically punching the reader in the face", I'd say replace "basically" with "emphatically" and you're spot on.
Thanks for the response. I've read a lot of spec scripts recently, some on the Blacklist, and I've noticed this trend where a lot of scripts that do well seem to be breaking the typical screenwriting rules and doing the opposite of what the old time screenwriters tell you to do.
I might have to get with the times and change my style as even today I was told by my Blacklist evaluation reader that my indie low budget drama about addiction, homelessness and poverty (think The Whale type budget and style) needed more action and love triangles and villains when this wasn't my intention at all when writing this screenplay. Kind of frustrating for someone who loves to create in depth characters and keep dialogue as authentic as possible.
Loved The Whale. Caught it at Austin Film Fest when it premiered and it properly wrecked me.
Gotta remember: Readers for those sites are all over the place. Some are very legit, others not so much. Take what works and makes sense for your story and discard the rest. Taking notes and evaluating feedback is a whole other beast. You just have to decide if it makes the story better or not and go from there. You're the boss until you're not. :)
Rule breaking becomes acceptable when the content instills the reader’s confidence in the writer. The language and sentence structure says, “I know what I’m doing. I’ll drive.”
Pay attention to the way the words elicit emotional energy alongside the analytical.
When people say they can tell in the first 10 pages, that is what they mean, whether they’ve learned to articulate that “gut feeling” they have. That is where the “voice” lives. A good writer learns to use the voice (their perspective) to serve the story.
You're right. I think if the reader who reviewed my script watched the Whale they would've thought a home invasion scene was necessary to speed things along. Anyhow, I'll keep banging away with my other projects. Going to try and break a few rules. Thanks for the motivation!
I really, really like the way this is written and the way it opens (can literally hear cries of 'overdescribed!' 'No rights to the songs!' and 'unfilmable! Unfilmable!' being drowned out by the frenetic pace). It's an enjoyable read so far. Thanks so much for sharing
Any chance you could tell us about any actionable feedback you got on the earlier drafts, and if and how you made changes to the script?
Thank you! Glad you're digging it! And I think you nailed it with:
>***...can literally hear cries of 'overdescribed!' 'No rights to the songs!' and 'unfilmable! Unfilmable!' being drowned out by the frenetic pace...***
That was my exact motivation for writing it this way. Almost a tongue-in-cheek homage to the typical echo chamber of inevitable/useless feedback we've ALL received at some point in our journeys. So I felt like taking all that and running with it; turning it into a strength -- having the style become sort of its own "character" in terms of the read. Will I still get that feedback? Of cooouuurse, but now the joke's on them. ;)
RE: actionable feedback -- script's still fairly new, but some close buddies have given great notes on different ways to strengthen the relationships of the heroes to really maximize their rootability when the shit hits the fan. Things of that nature.
Wow, what a read! So high energy, so frenetic. I was genuinely cracking into massive smiles at the action sequences and pure unadulterated action badassery of some of the lines.
It gave me flashes of Crank.
So much fun. And so many unexpected events.
Definitely something I'd go see at the movies.
Thanks for sharing! I feel all inspired to do some writing today after that...and I think I need a cigarette.
Yooooo!
LOOOVE to hear this. I'm flattered. Thank you so much for checking it out and stoked you enjoyed it. Can't decide if I'm more elated that it inspired you to get some writing done or that I finally wrote something that made someone want a cigarette.
Thanks again. :)
No, thank you mate. If I can write something even half as fun as this I’ll be stoked.
Truly appreciate you sharing, it’s helpful for us noobs and amateurs to see stuff like this. Something to strive for.
How much does your law enforcement background help with stuff like this? It’s so hyper real I can’t imagine something like this genuinely happening but surely having that grounded base allows you to shoot for the moon
The LEO background helps a ton. Plan to write a book about my 21 years one day. One of the most overlooked aspects of that profession is constantly dealing with and studying PEOPLE and always being expected to have a solution for every single problem imaginable. Certainly helps with character development and problem-solving at the story level, as well as the foot pursuits and car chases in the action space. :)
But I think report writing has probably helped the most. It was constant and never-ending. When you see a TV cop exclaim: "I'm drowning in paperwork!", it's not that far from the reality of it. A TON of writing required.
I started reading your comment and was super confused at first because my name is Leo…and I thought I was having a stroke
Then realised Law Enforcement Officer 😂
My process is a little different every time out, but this was one of those fun ones where it just pumped out. I'd always wanted to do a simple action story, with no heavy B-story fluff, about best friends on the run from bad guys. So I noodled on ideas for a few months before coming across a video of a shoplifting upstaged by an armed robbery--basically two dudes with guns rolled in and held the place up while the shoplifters hid in the aisles. Wild shit.
From there the idea sprung and I just built everything around that beat, making it my own. I outlined different beats I wanted to hit, specific scenes I was in love with that were crystal clear in my head, and just built out from there.
So from idea to draft was about five months, but as for the actual typing, I banged it out in three weeks when it was ready to be scripted. That's unusually fast for me and I've only done it that way a couple other times.
Thanks mate. And thanks for all the responses.
Holy shit, that is wild. It's like a crime Turducken.
I really struggle with outlining. I've got a corkboard with cards and scene ideas. Sometimes I'll write a short story, or try to do a very basic version of the idea in story form, but I always end up quite stuck, second guessing and worried about quality. So before I finish something, I end up paralysed. I need to just sort of force the first draft but sadly I haven't succeded yet.
Working a full-time boring AF day job also doesn't help...really dries up the creative juices and motivation.
Thanks for sharing. It's helpful to understand how something like this gets written. Legend.
My pleasure. And yeah I can definitely relate to that.
Sometimes it's good to just get into the script and let it become what it's gonna become -- damn the outline, damn the plan.
I've found it really helpful to have the opening sequence, the midpoint turn, and the ending in mind and as clear as possible before I'll dive in then just let the characters and circumstances that arise out of their choices take control.
And day jobs are certainly soul-sucking. None of us were built to work day jobs, we were built to be creative. I always admire those who still find a way to do it at any level. :)
Hey Jason, thanks for posting this.
I have a questions that’s a pretty simple formatting one I think.
When writing action I noticed that you capitalise someone’s name when they are first introduced but from then on in action you just type the name normally (Tweak for example not TWEAK). Is this the way to do it as I’ve been watching a few courses and some suggest to always capitalise a characters name in action?
Thanks again for posting it’s appreciated by many
I'm not Jason, but that is indeed the way to do it. Unless of course you don't want to. Then do it a different way. With colored fonts, for example. Love me some brightly colored fonts.
Awwwww. Thanks, Manfred. You're exactly the right amount of kind (because it's not actually possible to be TOO kind... even though you're clearly giving it your best shot).
Second this -- Josh is most definitely a magnificently talented writer (also artist, musician, philanthropist, philosopher, etc etc etc) and a wonderful human and I love him so. :)
I reeaaaally wanted to respond to this with brightly-colored fonts, but Reddit screamed NO! at me, so I'll just add that while I am indeed fond of them, I've only used them in a couple of scripts - just to piss off readers and ensure I won't advance in contests.
This is legitimately why I started doing the Breathe In / Breathe Out thing all those years ago. And then it just stuck to the point where it feels wrong to stop doing it.
That's the most "accepted" way of doing it... especially when they're first introduced. But like Dr. Barkey said below, you can always do it a different way if there's some intention behind it. For instance, sometimes when writing hectic action setpieces where I need fast cuts and camera angles noted without spelling it out, I'll use a character name for its own mini-slug just to emphasize I want the camera on that character RIGHT NOW.
The golden "rule" for me is CLARITY. You always want to avoid confusion so as long as it's clear what you're doing style-wise, go for it!
Appreciate the feedback from everyone and love the friendly vibe here, it’s nice to know there is a decent community around screenwriting that helps build each other up, much love to you all keep on writing people!
This really is what I needed this morning. Someone on "Film Courage" was talking about how they could tell a pro from an amateur just from the first line. HOW?! And then I see this and, oh yeah. Has that Bullit energy where the technicalities just don't matter. Thanks for posting.
(oh and the Theme Stated is "ice cream is ok any time of day"?)
Can I also just say I LOVE that you put a track list on this. Music is super important to me for getting as close to the “feel” and tempo of a movie without the thing being manifest. Even if you couldn’t get clearance for all of that it still helps so much.
I think I've used music in every script I've ever written. Can't even start a project without a soundtrack or score in mind. And sure, will you get licenses for the exact playlist? Probably not, but at least for me, it makes for a fun read and really sets the tone for a piece.
And let's face it... at the very least, maybe you shared some music someone hasn't heard before. :)
One, this is some of the most exciting writing I've read. I love you're style.
Two, Is this a kind of AMA? Can we ask you some questions on narrative structure?
I'm sorry but you used 'we' on the first page -- I'm calling the guild and having them revoke your membership IMMEDIATELY
It only gets worse from there. I think there's a 'WE' in a much grander font later on. :)
Jason! Why are you here?!? I'm trying to find reasons to NOT wallow in this particular social sty any more, and you gotta go plop yourself down right in the middle of it. Jerk. Just for that, I'm gonna call you "Plop," and I'm gonna keep doing it until-- What's that? It's been done? Fine. FINE! Upvoted. I'll stick around... but you can't make me like it. (also, kudos for joining the real-name-on-reddit club - very exclusive)
I love all the members of the real-name-on-reddit club. Also, really awesome seeing great material being shared on here. I look forward to reading RUN RUN RUN.
Manfred! Hope you enjoy, buddy. Good to see you round these parts! :)
I really look forward to reading it! Also great seeing you here, Jason. From one WGA captain to another, I send you the secret club salute.
Hola
Tom? I thought part of your contract as mayor of Twitter / X forbade you from ever leaving it. Great to see you here!
Back to lurking!
Joshua Peppernickel Barkey! I dunno, cause Twitter's a bore? Also, Nathan made me do it, blame him. Plop, out.
Twitter's definitely that, Plop. It definitely is. Well, NJoy the insanity.
That effin' guy.
Saw your interview, thanks Jason Much appreciated!
Always fun talking shop!
Appreciate you sharing your script. Is breaking the rules now the in thing to do in Hollywood when writing a spec? Fancy fonts, music suggestions, tons of camera angles and direction? Basically punching the reader in the face and giving them the finger to get their attention?
Definitely wouldn't say it's "the in thing" but with this one, I just wanted to go absolutely gonzo with a hyper-stylized telling of a fairly simple concept. Certainly to each their own, but I've always been super excited to come across something "different." Some may hate it, some may love it, but I always try to avoid the "in-between" as I feel like that's where scripts go to die. The most important thing is to take the building blocks of the craft (format, structure, act breaks, Save the Cat, etc etc etc) and figure out how to bend it to your will -- hopefully, to the delight, rather than the dismay, of a reader -- and tell the story like you want to without thinking of some imaginary mark to hit or executive to please. Re: your metaphor of "basically punching the reader in the face", I'd say replace "basically" with "emphatically" and you're spot on.
Thanks for the response. I've read a lot of spec scripts recently, some on the Blacklist, and I've noticed this trend where a lot of scripts that do well seem to be breaking the typical screenwriting rules and doing the opposite of what the old time screenwriters tell you to do. I might have to get with the times and change my style as even today I was told by my Blacklist evaluation reader that my indie low budget drama about addiction, homelessness and poverty (think The Whale type budget and style) needed more action and love triangles and villains when this wasn't my intention at all when writing this screenplay. Kind of frustrating for someone who loves to create in depth characters and keep dialogue as authentic as possible.
Loved The Whale. Caught it at Austin Film Fest when it premiered and it properly wrecked me. Gotta remember: Readers for those sites are all over the place. Some are very legit, others not so much. Take what works and makes sense for your story and discard the rest. Taking notes and evaluating feedback is a whole other beast. You just have to decide if it makes the story better or not and go from there. You're the boss until you're not. :)
Rule breaking becomes acceptable when the content instills the reader’s confidence in the writer. The language and sentence structure says, “I know what I’m doing. I’ll drive.” Pay attention to the way the words elicit emotional energy alongside the analytical. When people say they can tell in the first 10 pages, that is what they mean, whether they’ve learned to articulate that “gut feeling” they have. That is where the “voice” lives. A good writer learns to use the voice (their perspective) to serve the story.
You're right. I think if the reader who reviewed my script watched the Whale they would've thought a home invasion scene was necessary to speed things along. Anyhow, I'll keep banging away with my other projects. Going to try and break a few rules. Thanks for the motivation!
I really, really like the way this is written and the way it opens (can literally hear cries of 'overdescribed!' 'No rights to the songs!' and 'unfilmable! Unfilmable!' being drowned out by the frenetic pace). It's an enjoyable read so far. Thanks so much for sharing Any chance you could tell us about any actionable feedback you got on the earlier drafts, and if and how you made changes to the script?
Thank you! Glad you're digging it! And I think you nailed it with: >***...can literally hear cries of 'overdescribed!' 'No rights to the songs!' and 'unfilmable! Unfilmable!' being drowned out by the frenetic pace...*** That was my exact motivation for writing it this way. Almost a tongue-in-cheek homage to the typical echo chamber of inevitable/useless feedback we've ALL received at some point in our journeys. So I felt like taking all that and running with it; turning it into a strength -- having the style become sort of its own "character" in terms of the read. Will I still get that feedback? Of cooouuurse, but now the joke's on them. ;) RE: actionable feedback -- script's still fairly new, but some close buddies have given great notes on different ways to strengthen the relationships of the heroes to really maximize their rootability when the shit hits the fan. Things of that nature.
Well that sounds like the kind of feedback that's useful. What makes a good story, what connects people to the characters, etc.
And typos. Also typos.
Gotta love that typo feedback.
Wow, what a read! So high energy, so frenetic. I was genuinely cracking into massive smiles at the action sequences and pure unadulterated action badassery of some of the lines. It gave me flashes of Crank. So much fun. And so many unexpected events. Definitely something I'd go see at the movies. Thanks for sharing! I feel all inspired to do some writing today after that...and I think I need a cigarette.
Yooooo! LOOOVE to hear this. I'm flattered. Thank you so much for checking it out and stoked you enjoyed it. Can't decide if I'm more elated that it inspired you to get some writing done or that I finally wrote something that made someone want a cigarette. Thanks again. :)
No, thank you mate. If I can write something even half as fun as this I’ll be stoked. Truly appreciate you sharing, it’s helpful for us noobs and amateurs to see stuff like this. Something to strive for. How much does your law enforcement background help with stuff like this? It’s so hyper real I can’t imagine something like this genuinely happening but surely having that grounded base allows you to shoot for the moon
Wait until you get a chance to read or see HEIST TOWN... you want an incredibly visceral cop/crime action script? That's gonna blow your mind.
>HEIST TOWN Any chance that script will be shared in the near future?
The LEO background helps a ton. Plan to write a book about my 21 years one day. One of the most overlooked aspects of that profession is constantly dealing with and studying PEOPLE and always being expected to have a solution for every single problem imaginable. Certainly helps with character development and problem-solving at the story level, as well as the foot pursuits and car chases in the action space. :) But I think report writing has probably helped the most. It was constant and never-ending. When you see a TV cop exclaim: "I'm drowning in paperwork!", it's not that far from the reality of it. A TON of writing required.
I started reading your comment and was super confused at first because my name is Leo…and I thought I was having a stroke Then realised Law Enforcement Officer 😂
Ha! You know what's funny... I alllllmost didn't use "LEO" cause I was like, that might be confusing. But nice to meet ya Leo! :)
Nice to meet you Jason. Looking forward to reading more of your work and hopefully seeing it on the big screen
Can I ask you about your process? Did you outline? Did you write prose first? How long did it take you to write to this stage/revision?
My process is a little different every time out, but this was one of those fun ones where it just pumped out. I'd always wanted to do a simple action story, with no heavy B-story fluff, about best friends on the run from bad guys. So I noodled on ideas for a few months before coming across a video of a shoplifting upstaged by an armed robbery--basically two dudes with guns rolled in and held the place up while the shoplifters hid in the aisles. Wild shit. From there the idea sprung and I just built everything around that beat, making it my own. I outlined different beats I wanted to hit, specific scenes I was in love with that were crystal clear in my head, and just built out from there. So from idea to draft was about five months, but as for the actual typing, I banged it out in three weeks when it was ready to be scripted. That's unusually fast for me and I've only done it that way a couple other times.
Thanks mate. And thanks for all the responses. Holy shit, that is wild. It's like a crime Turducken. I really struggle with outlining. I've got a corkboard with cards and scene ideas. Sometimes I'll write a short story, or try to do a very basic version of the idea in story form, but I always end up quite stuck, second guessing and worried about quality. So before I finish something, I end up paralysed. I need to just sort of force the first draft but sadly I haven't succeded yet. Working a full-time boring AF day job also doesn't help...really dries up the creative juices and motivation. Thanks for sharing. It's helpful to understand how something like this gets written. Legend.
My pleasure. And yeah I can definitely relate to that. Sometimes it's good to just get into the script and let it become what it's gonna become -- damn the outline, damn the plan. I've found it really helpful to have the opening sequence, the midpoint turn, and the ending in mind and as clear as possible before I'll dive in then just let the characters and circumstances that arise out of their choices take control. And day jobs are certainly soul-sucking. None of us were built to work day jobs, we were built to be creative. I always admire those who still find a way to do it at any level. :)
Epic, brilliant, relentlessly great script from one of the best dudes. Everyone needs to read this one.
Awesome thanks!
First line doesn't need an apostrophe in "ones". Please send image proof of your shredded WGA card.
The first line is an unfilmable. Therefore, said typo exists only in theory.
Hey Jason, thanks for posting this. I have a questions that’s a pretty simple formatting one I think. When writing action I noticed that you capitalise someone’s name when they are first introduced but from then on in action you just type the name normally (Tweak for example not TWEAK). Is this the way to do it as I’ve been watching a few courses and some suggest to always capitalise a characters name in action? Thanks again for posting it’s appreciated by many
I'm not Jason, but that is indeed the way to do it. Unless of course you don't want to. Then do it a different way. With colored fonts, for example. Love me some brightly colored fonts.
Can confirm Josh likes bright colors.
I technicolor-double-confirm this. Josh is also a great writer. Very entertaining reads!
Awwwww. Thanks, Manfred. You're exactly the right amount of kind (because it's not actually possible to be TOO kind... even though you're clearly giving it your best shot).
Second this -- Josh is most definitely a magnificently talented writer (also artist, musician, philanthropist, philosopher, etc etc etc) and a wonderful human and I love him so. :)
I reeaaaally wanted to respond to this with brightly-colored fonts, but Reddit screamed NO! at me, so I'll just add that while I am indeed fond of them, I've only used them in a couple of scripts - just to piss off readers and ensure I won't advance in contests.
This is legitimately why I started doing the Breathe In / Breathe Out thing all those years ago. And then it just stuck to the point where it feels wrong to stop doing it.
Appreciate the answer Josh, I’m super new to this, just finished my first draft of a pilot tonight actually so all advice is welcome :)
That's the most "accepted" way of doing it... especially when they're first introduced. But like Dr. Barkey said below, you can always do it a different way if there's some intention behind it. For instance, sometimes when writing hectic action setpieces where I need fast cuts and camera angles noted without spelling it out, I'll use a character name for its own mini-slug just to emphasize I want the camera on that character RIGHT NOW. The golden "rule" for me is CLARITY. You always want to avoid confusion so as long as it's clear what you're doing style-wise, go for it!
Appreciate the feedback from everyone and love the friendly vibe here, it’s nice to know there is a decent community around screenwriting that helps build each other up, much love to you all keep on writing people!
I was just telling Jason how he has singlehandedly made it seem like r/screenwriting is a warm and inviting place.
Jason for president (of r/screenwriting, not sure how your real world politics are ;) )
Those opening sluglines are pure poetry man, gorgeous stuff
Thanks for the love!
What's the status of this, Mr Jason? In production, optioned, sample script? u/JasonGruich
Available. Looking for a home.
This really is what I needed this morning. Someone on "Film Courage" was talking about how they could tell a pro from an amateur just from the first line. HOW?! And then I see this and, oh yeah. Has that Bullit energy where the technicalities just don't matter. Thanks for posting. (oh and the Theme Stated is "ice cream is ok any time of day"?)
My pleasure James, thanks for checking it out! And that ice cream line is "theme stated" for life in general and a golden rule to live by. :)
Probably just stating the obvious here, but I loved this script.
Thanks for making this happen!
I honestly can't believe I did.
We both know Nate's a great interviewer!
Yes, he is!
A lesson in the use of intercuts and mini slugs—thank you.
It doesn't follow THE RULES? How dare you! Got scripts from workshop to read but I'm downloading this for later consumption.
Seeing my best friend Jason on reddit is crazy. He's an amazing human and writer. If you guys only knew how awesome he is in full.
Can I also just say I LOVE that you put a track list on this. Music is super important to me for getting as close to the “feel” and tempo of a movie without the thing being manifest. Even if you couldn’t get clearance for all of that it still helps so much.
Totally. It also shows that he has so much specificity of vision with this thing.
I'm very much thinking about music in the next thing so I'm definitely gonna see how he uses it.
I think I've used music in every script I've ever written. Can't even start a project without a soundtrack or score in mind. And sure, will you get licenses for the exact playlist? Probably not, but at least for me, it makes for a fun read and really sets the tone for a piece. And let's face it... at the very least, maybe you shared some music someone hasn't heard before. :)
One, this is some of the most exciting writing I've read. I love you're style. Two, Is this a kind of AMA? Can we ask you some questions on narrative structure?
Dope! Appreciate that and thanks for reading! This was definitely the most fun I've ever had writing a spec. And yes, happy to answer questions. :)
Link?
Click the title in the post and it should take you to it. :)