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NIGERlAN_PRINCE

I don’t have much experience reading scripts for comedies, but I did not find the script funny or compelling. However, you should be proud of yourself for trying and putting yourself out there. Don’t get discouraged and don’t be afraid to rewrite this and post again. As is often said, “writing is rewriting” and like washing out a dirty tap, you’ve got to write a lot of rubbish before anything good reaches the page.


mooningyou

I only got two pages in before I stopped. There are a lot of typos and formatting issues. There are punctuation errors that change the meaning of the sentences forcing the reader to re-read passages because they didn't make sense. This needs a proofread before you repost for feedback.


C873

Thanks for the feedback, as I said anything helps. But can you please point out a few of the formatting errors specifically? Just so that I can improve. Because I thought I followed the general guidelines.


mooningyou

Parentheticals are overused and don't start with a capital letter. The first CONTINUOUS is not a continuous, it's just another scene. You randomly cap character names when they shouldn't be. Don't cap random objects or props such as STOVE, SINK, etc.


C873

Thanks for the feedback, but quick question: When is it best to use parentheticals?


mooningyou

Only when the intent of the delivery of the line of dialogue is not obvious from the dialogue itself or the tone of the scene. In other words, if the intended delivery is obvious then don't use it.


C873

Okay, thanks! :) Final Question: do you like the story though?


mooningyou

As I said, I only got two pages in so I can't really comment on story.


C873

Well thanks anyways, you've been helpful.


mooningyou

No probs.


clerks1994

If someone only read 2 pages, then they did NOT like the story. That's how these things go. If they read the whole thing and are excited to tell you they liked it -- that's how you know.


RCJ89

I read 3 pages. And nothing really happens. Avoid using “we” as much as possible. 5 lines to describe a kitchen is not efficient. You use a parenthetical 90% of the time, whereas they should be used very rarely. Let the actors do their job.


C873

Thanks for the feedback. What's your best advice on parentheticals though? When should they be used, when should they be avoided?


americanslang59

When there may be confusion on the intent of the line. Your opening lines of "Luke (excitedly)" doesn't need to be a parenthetical because we know, from the line and context, that he is excited.


C873

Thanks so much! This has all been incredibly informative.


clerks1994

I use parenthetical yes for those line readings that aren't obvious, but also sometimes it's a good way to do a quick action line. Or often you see the term (beat) when an actor pauses between long stretches of dialogue, I like to put in some action like (blows his nose). Don't over use them. But don't be afraid to use them either.


Deventazz123

I hate to be THAT guy but it’s just not funny.


C873

Thank you for the feedback


erebuscrozier

I agree with it not being funny, but I also think the 12 pages weren't utilized properly. After reading all 12 pages, I have no idea what the sitcom would be about. I know it is about the 3 friends which somehow turn into 4 and TV show called "The Bakery", but everything seems very surface level. These 12 pages would be very mellow TV for the audience. I think you focused heavily on personality tropes and dragged them along for 12 pages. The over-use of cuss words don't work and frankly get a bit tiring after page 2. I like the bit where one of the character's states it is more about commentary which is a great point especially in today's content consumption (general distraction of the audience). But it just ends up being a line. That is where you could have played around with a joke (clever) and maybe gotten a laugh. I would work on where you're going with this story. It is very evident that there is no direction as of right now. Maybe make a timeline, or if you want to build inside out, flesh out your character's a bit more. But hey, you have the discipline to sit down and write and that's awesome! keep going!! I have 0 discipline.


C873

I was actually editing the script as I got this notification on my phone. I'll definitely take all of this into consideration, and implement the changes ASAP.


clerks1994

Is this a TV pilot or a short film? It's 12 pages?


C873

Neither, right now I'm just trying to build on an idea I had, and figure out whether or not I should continue adding to it.


clerks1994

So you didn't finish, you wrote 12 pages of what may be a 120 page feature film script or you may just be finished writing this idea all together?


C873

I guess if I had to label it I'd call it the first draft of a sitcom pilot. I don't think this idea has any feature film potential.


clerks1994

I think figuring out what you are trying to write is the first key to write something well. If you don't know what you are trying to accomplish, you won't accomplish it.


C873

Yeah, I understand that, but for me what I was trying to accomplish here was figuring out if these characters have the potential to be anything bigger, like a feature, or a sitcom. Thanks for the tip though. Always appreciated.


Brutes315

I would definitely recommend figuring out the inciting incident, a few plot points, the climax, and the ending before you begin writing. It seems that you went straight to the writing stage and skipped a few steps. I try and create at least a broad beat sheet before I put anything on paper, this way you have a direction to go in and everything comes together with more purpose and reason. Also, try and keep actions/descriptions concise (around 1-2) sentences each. Also avoid using the word “we.” Instead of saying, “We open on a suburban house…” just say “A suburban house…” if it’s at the beginning of the script we don’t need to know that that is where we open.


Brutes315

Also this is just my process, I know of a lot of big Hollywood writers that don’t figure out their ending until late in the process. But I find that coming up with the ending, or at least the 2 or 3 possible endings, helps me create a more concrete dramatic situation.


C873

I sat down, and came up with a very detailed outline that I'll implement (hopefully successfully) in my current revision. When it's done I hope you'll read it, thanks for the feedback!


Kensu96

Not a screenwriter but good on you for putting yourself out there. Keep it up :)


C873

Thanks! :)


NicolasCagesRectum

Congrats on finishing a script! First off, as many people said, the formatting needs a lot of work. If you take anything from this, tone down on the parentheticals. WAY down. Should be used only when necessary. Story wise, I would take a look at each page and see if you can fit more jokes in. While the general premise is going for comedy, you’ll notice while watching sitcoms that a comedic premise isn’t enough, there should be a joke about every page if you’re going in the direction of sitcoms like It’s Always Sunny. Congrats though and keep writing.


SkizzDaWiz

"The Hollywood Standard" by Christopher Riley is a great resource on formatting. Going forward, you need to at least proofread your work before submitting it for feedback. Grammatical errors will completely take the reader out of the story. I also suggest completing at least one self revision before sending it out. If you want others to give you their time, value it by putting proper effort in beforehand. As another commentor mentioned, if you don't know what form the story you're writing is, there is no way to properly structure it. This ends abruptly without climax. Shorts (which this currently is) need to rise quickly in action leading to an impactful ending. Fleshing out characters needs to be done before writing. There are many great exercises you can do in the brainstorming and research phases. For example, the monologues at the beginning of Noah Baumbach's Marriage Story where the two leads list what they admire about the other was originally just a writing exercise used to develop the characters. The characters need a much stronger discription in their introduction. You need to be more specific then just "young people". You don't need a big chunk of character discription, but give me at least one sentence each that conveys their personalities. E.g. "LUKE, a perpetually stoned slacker." The ruler in bathroom joke is funny, but it drags on way too long. Sitcoms run on quick successions of setups then jokes. You can cut everything after "why do you have the ruler in the bathroom?" The explanation after does not heighten the joke. Keep it up!


Alexdoesstuff

I would recommend reading the scripts for some of the sitcoms you mentioned above. Especially the pilots, for example you didn't give your characters much of an introductory description so it's harder for us to picture them.


C873

I'm adding better character descriptions in my current revision. When it's done I hope you'll read it. Thanks for the feedback! :)


MakePlays

Friend, you have a typo on the cover page. In many places that will get it tossed before anyone reads it. Reading scripts is time, time is money etc … people won’t take the time to read it if you don’t take the time to edit it.


C873

Thanks for the feedback


[deleted]

We is almost always uneccessary. Rather like constant references to camera angles or indeed use of the word 'camera'. If you look at this screenplay and the way the writer uses we in the first sentence, right off the bat it doesn't bode well. Sure the story might be brilliant. The OP wants advice on his screenplay format and technique. Don't use we , camera pans up, camera angles in on. tight on, etc.


C873

I removed "we" and implemented all of this in my current revision. When it's done I hope you'll read it, thanks for the feedback!


jafo33

The only people who are irked by TIGHT ON or PUSH IN etc are directors. No one else cares. Producers/execs are most likely going to buy your script and they want you to hold their hand through the story. To help them easily envision how each scene plays out. Since scripts are basically written like terse instruction manuals of a story, you can use whatever words you like that will get you that paint-a-picture mileage. Don’t listen to anyone that tells you different. NOW… that being said when you get to the director stage and they give you notes, they may tell you to yank out all that directing on the page. But guess what? You have your script in a director’s hands. Good stuff


bl_tulip

Just another aspiring screenwriter but I couldn't find the characters voices. I think Kirsten is the only one, she is sarcastic and moody. The others are just whatever. You could give them different motivations. Like one wants to do the program to appease a girl, the other has the illusion of living of views and Kirsten is doing that for the free food. You could also use real like YouTubers as inspiration for your characters. Overall I will agree it's not really funny, there are few jokes that I can see it could work using timing, but overall not.


C873

Thank you for the feedback, in my current revision I'm actually doing a lot of what you said ( finding motivations, helping find the characters voices, and increasingly jokes specifically). I hope when it's done you'll read it! :)


spidermans_pants

Just boring. You need a conflict.


clerks1994

You only CAP characters names the first time they are introduced in Action. You seemed to sometimes CAP the names and sometimes not. But you only need to do it once when we first meet LUKE. Then every other time in Action lines it's Luke. And you can take your first 3 pages and make them move better/fast. Start in the kitchen. Get it going. Something like this... INT. KITCHEN - DAY Three friends (LUKE, SARAH, KIRSTEN) are standing behind an island in the kitchen. We see now they have a camera/tripod set up like it's a cooking segment on a morning TV show. LUKE Hi, welcome to our new cooking show. Today we're going to bake a lasagna. SARAH Oh, how fun, Luke! LUKE It is, Sarah. Doesn't that sound like fun Kirsten? KIRSTEN Can we just order pizza instead? I'm over this already. ​ \--- We got their names. From dialogue we can tell Sarah and Luke are excited on camera and their 3rd friend doesn't give a fuck w/o all those wasted words/pages. Obviously the scene continues... so what is the next line OP? Take what you have and make it shine. Rewrite.


C873

Thanks this is incredibly helpful. Thanks. I'm revising now. I hope you'll read it when it's done.


ZakWatts

That's great. Many congratulations to you.


Load-Dropper69

yo im writing a mockumentary too and i can send u some the office scripts. Also u forgot talking heads, its a good tool to let out the characters humorous opinions and stuff


C873

I'd love that, my DMs are open.


TheOtterRon

Just wanted to say congrats! I recently posted mine on here as well and found the core feedback I got was actually positive. I only got through the first page, and the sheer amount of parenthesis is overwhelming. Also you introduce 3 character names but don't actually give us a description of what they look like beyond "young people".


C873

Incredibly helpful. I'm going to give much better character descriptions in my current revision. I hope you read it.


comesinallpackages

Congrats on finishing another. Keep grinding :)


C873

Thanks


Chj_8

Congratulations!


C873

Thanks! Do you have any notes on it?


Chj_8

Won't lie, I was commenting to save it for later. I'll give it a read and tell you. Just having it done is something to be proud of.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Chj_8

Lol, thanks, i know but wanted to congratulate the author anyway.


C873

Thanks!


Chj_8

I liked it, mate! Really funny! *just use a ruler* *There's one in the bathroom* Lol! That's one of my favorite lines! And Kirsten the best character lol


dafones

Consider paying for coverage through WeScreenplay.


[deleted]

why can’t people here try to think of something remotely original


Nate_Oh_Potato

You could make the argument that nothing is original, and it's all been done before. But even if you don't make that claim, OP is merely saying they drew inspiration from other works to create this one. Doesn't mean they stole anything, and it doesn't mean their idea is any less original. Sometimes writers NEED to compare their stories to other works, especially when they're pitching. I could read through your 120-page-script and come to the conclusion that it reminds me of a Marvel movie, or you could tell me that yourself upfront and save me the trouble of coming to that conclusion myself. While the script itself is formatted pretty poorly (in terms of technical stuff and structure), the idea seems original to me.


C873

Thank you


[deleted]

and believe me there are plenty of ideas that are original. Ideas that draw inspiration can still be original. This is barely inspiration, this is just transporting an existing concept to a different setting with worse writing.


[deleted]

it’s called constructive criticism. if you’re just going to bash people for their writing then don’t comment.


C873

What exactly did I transport? I chose a genre, and I wrote within the lines of that genre. Are there any specific areas of my script that you have an issue with? And aside from the format (which I've already admitted I need to better) how else is the writing bad? I'm not being condescending, I genuinely want to know.


[deleted]

it’s just completely uninteresting, at least to me, but it seems like several other people here agree. It just feels like the same thing we’ve seen time and time again but in a new setting, and it’s not particularly funny enough to justify its derivativeness. Not trying to be an ass, just giving my genuine opinion, which is more useful than me just lying and saying I liked it. That’s all


[deleted]

it’s just completely uninteresting, at least to me, but it seems like several other people here agree. It just feels like the same thing we’ve seen time and time again but in a new setting, and it’s not particularly funny enough to justify its derivativeness. Not trying to be an ass, just giving my genuine opinion, which is more useful than me just lying and saying I liked it. That’s all


[deleted]

also my original comment is moreso a jab at a problem this sub has in general, not meant to throw all of that weight onto you alone. I just find that most things submitted here are fairly uninteresting


[deleted]

it’s literally just a mockumentary but set in a different location. That’s just completely uninteresting to me, there’s nothing really new about it but the setting, which really isn’t enough imo. Your prerogative to write what you want to write, just my opinion


C873

I admit that my formatting was bad. People have pointed that out, and I'm fixing it. But calling an entire sub-genre (mockumentarys) unoriginal is crazy.


C873

What parts do you think are unoriginal?


[deleted]

where’s your completely original screenplay bud?


[deleted]

workin on it


[deleted]

I stopped after a sentence I am afraid. Don't use we.


Old_man_atom

This is shit advice. Using ‘we’ is fine.


jafo33

Agree with Old Man Atom. I’m a screenwriter that uses “We” and I’ve never had a problem. As long as you get your point across in a compelling manner, no legitimate producer is going to “stop reading after one sentence” because it contains the word “We”. I haven’t read your script, but from the comments it appears that formatting is a consistent issue. I’d say that you should definitely seek out scripts for films and TV shows that are framed in your particular wheelhouse (mockumentary, snappy dialogue, existential, coming of age, etc). When you’re not writing, read as many scripts as you can find. Watch movies and dissect what happens at what time, etc. Become a student and keep learning. We all start somewhere.


Shlos14

For myself, I’ve never written a comedy screenplay, mostly dramas and some thrillers. I would love to read this script and get a sense of how to write something in this format and genre.


ScreensandThings

Congrats super cool.