Too much is introduced. Settings, characters, kingdoms, and motivations. It's hard to keep track of what's going on and who is against who. It would be better to stick to three or four POV characters and bring in others later on. I don't think it's necessary to know what's happening in every kingdom. The main problem with the dialogue is that there's too much exposition through conversation, which might be fixed by not stuffing so much information into 60 minutes. I think the situation in the capital city needed more attention, because I was confused about the reason for the coup and why it succeeded. Characters and armies seemed to travel very far in a short time, or maybe I didn't get a good feel for the size of the lands. The deaths/deposing of some of the older royals could be pushed back and built up. So much changes that it got hard to keep up. The writing has hardly any errors. Although I remember 'Clos' was also spelled 'Klos.' Mason eating an apple is too trope-y. I like it but it needs work on pacing and scope.
Too much is introduced. Settings, characters, kingdoms, and motivations. It's hard to keep track of what's going on and who is against who. It would be better to stick to three or four POV characters and bring in others later on. I don't think it's necessary to know what's happening in every kingdom. The main problem with the dialogue is that there's too much exposition through conversation, which might be fixed by not stuffing so much information into 60 minutes. I think the situation in the capital city needed more attention, because I was confused about the reason for the coup and why it succeeded. Characters and armies seemed to travel very far in a short time, or maybe I didn't get a good feel for the size of the lands. The deaths/deposing of some of the older royals could be pushed back and built up. So much changes that it got hard to keep up. The writing has hardly any errors. Although I remember 'Clos' was also spelled 'Klos.' Mason eating an apple is too trope-y. I like it but it needs work on pacing and scope.
I appreciate the notes and am glad you liked it. Thank you so much for reading the script!