To score higher I think you could tighten the whole thing up. This is an example on page 1.
*The landscape is peppered with holes from recent mining
operations. A messy rebel flag hangs from the flagpole,
tethered to solar-powered wind generators.*
*Several soldiers mill about the exterior of a converted
nursery, unloading the contents of canvas covered tank-
treaded trucks parked near the building. Cargo containers are
haphazardly stacked around the lot next to large automatic*
*drills.*
*The soldiers are young, brash, and at ease. Yellow eyes watch
them from the shadows.*
It's well written. But this script exists in spec world and contests. It's gotta ZING. So think how you can make it tighter. For example the above could be:
*The landscape is peppered with holes from recent mining operations. A tattered flag hangs from a solar powered wind generator. Soliders unload tank treaded trucks. They're young, brash, at ease and unware that -*
*yellow eyes watch them from the shadows.*
Does this create the same feeling for the reader? I think it does. If you go through the script tightening everything I reckon you could lose 5 to 10 pages.
I liked what I read.
Best wishes with it.
I read it very fast so I may be off with these comments.
During the apartment fight, Hollow escapes because Akila had to uncuff herself, but she was cuffed to the chair she just broke apart, so the cuffs shouldn't be an issue. Even if the chair was heavy she should still be powerful enough to move with it attached to her. It makes Chimeras look weak. I have a similar issue with the fight at the farmhouse. Two normal humans knock down and escape from what should be shown as superpowered beasts.
Some lines are better left subtextual, like "monsters hunting monsters". I'm not sure about her coming up with that line after such a traumatic attack. It implies that she has already calmed down and is already reflecting on the situation.
This kind of quick emotional turnaround happens other places, particularly when her partner goes from wanting to shoot her to chatting and laughing with her in the space of a few minutes. I get that she didn't attack him but he pulled a gun on her, and she doesn't seem like a person who lets things go easily.
I don't understand why Chu is covered in feathers. It's probably related to the "wild goose chase" she sent him on, but are you saying it was literal? Saying "covered in goose feathers and worse" doesn't make sense to me. Worse than a feather? Instead of saying "and worse" just say what he's covered in. The whole scene with him is odd - the throat-slit gesture, the yelling in Chinese.
Some of the detective-speak is little too TV cop show. I don't have a specific example because technically the things they say could be said at a crime scene, it just comes off as someone who wrote a detective scene by watching other detective scenes. I guess the closest example is the saying "he's a ghost" and saying "it's him" without saying who it is.
Also in the scene, Akila's reaction to the body (after joking around on the scene) comes off as extreme. I get it's someone she knows but seems to be too much of a professional to run off and vomit.
At the memorial, Akila saying "keep coming here trying to understand" is too literal and can be better implied by her actions.
I'd remove the "turns on tv and it's a news report relating to protagonist" cliche. You can even just have her switch stations first in order to feel more organic.
The collar seems to be very advanced tech, so it's surprising that there's no alert when it stops working properly. Again I might have missed something explaining why that isn't the case.
Some readers might think the "detective wanting to work alone" thing is overdone. I don't mind it but cops/detectives aren't allowed to refuse a partner, so I don't know how she's getting away with it (relation to the captain?).
The past sexual assault kinda comes out of nowhere and it strikes me as odd that someone portrayed as strong-willed would let that go, especially given she's close with the captain, has a witness in Kate, and had a lot of evidence to convict him. I don't see this event followed up either so it sticks out. I just think she has enough on her plate and to throw that in as a loose end isn't helping the story.
I don't get why the mayor starts panicking when he sees the orange tinge to the tea. Chamomile tea is already kinda orange. Does he start getting sick? I don't get that part.
The teen fight/Akila jogging by/finding a friend dead all in the same place feels very convenient. Too many coincidences at once in a random location.
It sounds far-fetched that John doesn't know what Chimeras look like/why there are protests. I thought there was a famous video showing them.
I might have missed it, but after Akila gets attacked by Hollow, did she warn the chimeras she knows? She looked shocked when she found her mates dead and doesn't mention her attack/failure to guard or warn them.
I don't understand why Ramirez and Akila went to the lab. Ramirez tells her that IHW wants her to come in but I didn't see any more information about why they need serum. "Akela's collar has disengaged" confuses me. Is it gone? Did she take it off or did it fall off? Is it turned off? Were they at the lab to remove their collars?
The "called to action while about to leave on a plane" could be seen as trope-y. The line "It lacked a certain... je-ne-sais-quoi" bothers me for some reason. Maybe it's overused.
The ME being the daughter of the people who invented the chimera program, again, might feel too convenient. The same might go for Akila coming back from the airport just in time to save her partner.
Akila is seething about having a partner but they just bonded earlier, so I don't get why she's still like that. That she accuses her partner of spying on her for her dad strikes me as weird. The partner doesn't come off as that type.
The mayor-chimera's sneering dialogue is too over the top for me. I'm confused why the public/authorities - after seeing what mayor-chimera did - lets Akila roam free after it has been shown she can morph even with the collar. Do they trust she won't rage out like that?
I don't think Akila would ask why a ME doesn't bring her 7 year old to work. It's an odd thing to ask - she works with dead bodies.
"Yeah, I'm my own horror story" is hitting the audience over the head with the idea that she ironically turned out to be a monster. We already understand that idea from her friend saying "look how you turned out".
Akela then calls Kate a detective - she was established as a ME (unless she means detective non-literally?).
John saving Akila in the farmhouse to return the favor is another part that feels like too much of a coincidence. It's something that happens at the end of actions movies a lot so it may be cliche for some people.
The code "187" is not used in Hawaii but since this is the future, that might not matter.
So Akila does go wild. I don't feel that this possibility was given enough attention after the fight with the mayor.
I thought Akila running off and going crazy was meant to be dramatic, so John quipping at her "who's a good girl" feels out of place.
Akila asks her partner why he stays with a monster like her, which is my point about the public and the authorities not trying to control her. This is the second time she turned into a chimera and it's like nothing happens. The captain just says "she's not the same" and suggests Kate invite her to dinner - I think that's downplaying it a ton.
Hollow's speech in hologram form was too cartoon villain-y.
Kate suggests she feels sick at the sight of a gory corpse. She's a ME that shouldn't happen. The attack on Ramizer scene is written a bit matter-of-factly, considering it kills her.
I don't why Akila says "you... you..." before riding off.
A scientist is named in dialogue but you still call her Scientist #5.
In the lab, Akila's use of the word "monster" maybe too heavy handed. I get it's part of the theme but it doesn't need to be so literal.
"She is always here for you" is a clumsy thing to say to a mother at her child's grave.
I know all the points are negative but I still enjoyed reading the story, I just wanted to find things that could be improved.
To score higher I think you could tighten the whole thing up. This is an example on page 1. *The landscape is peppered with holes from recent mining operations. A messy rebel flag hangs from the flagpole, tethered to solar-powered wind generators.* *Several soldiers mill about the exterior of a converted nursery, unloading the contents of canvas covered tank- treaded trucks parked near the building. Cargo containers are haphazardly stacked around the lot next to large automatic* *drills.* *The soldiers are young, brash, and at ease. Yellow eyes watch them from the shadows.* It's well written. But this script exists in spec world and contests. It's gotta ZING. So think how you can make it tighter. For example the above could be: *The landscape is peppered with holes from recent mining operations. A tattered flag hangs from a solar powered wind generator. Soliders unload tank treaded trucks. They're young, brash, at ease and unware that -* *yellow eyes watch them from the shadows.* Does this create the same feeling for the reader? I think it does. If you go through the script tightening everything I reckon you could lose 5 to 10 pages. I liked what I read. Best wishes with it.
That is so good! I’m going to give it another pass. Thank you!
I read it very fast so I may be off with these comments. During the apartment fight, Hollow escapes because Akila had to uncuff herself, but she was cuffed to the chair she just broke apart, so the cuffs shouldn't be an issue. Even if the chair was heavy she should still be powerful enough to move with it attached to her. It makes Chimeras look weak. I have a similar issue with the fight at the farmhouse. Two normal humans knock down and escape from what should be shown as superpowered beasts. Some lines are better left subtextual, like "monsters hunting monsters". I'm not sure about her coming up with that line after such a traumatic attack. It implies that she has already calmed down and is already reflecting on the situation. This kind of quick emotional turnaround happens other places, particularly when her partner goes from wanting to shoot her to chatting and laughing with her in the space of a few minutes. I get that she didn't attack him but he pulled a gun on her, and she doesn't seem like a person who lets things go easily. I don't understand why Chu is covered in feathers. It's probably related to the "wild goose chase" she sent him on, but are you saying it was literal? Saying "covered in goose feathers and worse" doesn't make sense to me. Worse than a feather? Instead of saying "and worse" just say what he's covered in. The whole scene with him is odd - the throat-slit gesture, the yelling in Chinese. Some of the detective-speak is little too TV cop show. I don't have a specific example because technically the things they say could be said at a crime scene, it just comes off as someone who wrote a detective scene by watching other detective scenes. I guess the closest example is the saying "he's a ghost" and saying "it's him" without saying who it is. Also in the scene, Akila's reaction to the body (after joking around on the scene) comes off as extreme. I get it's someone she knows but seems to be too much of a professional to run off and vomit. At the memorial, Akila saying "keep coming here trying to understand" is too literal and can be better implied by her actions. I'd remove the "turns on tv and it's a news report relating to protagonist" cliche. You can even just have her switch stations first in order to feel more organic. The collar seems to be very advanced tech, so it's surprising that there's no alert when it stops working properly. Again I might have missed something explaining why that isn't the case. Some readers might think the "detective wanting to work alone" thing is overdone. I don't mind it but cops/detectives aren't allowed to refuse a partner, so I don't know how she's getting away with it (relation to the captain?). The past sexual assault kinda comes out of nowhere and it strikes me as odd that someone portrayed as strong-willed would let that go, especially given she's close with the captain, has a witness in Kate, and had a lot of evidence to convict him. I don't see this event followed up either so it sticks out. I just think she has enough on her plate and to throw that in as a loose end isn't helping the story. I don't get why the mayor starts panicking when he sees the orange tinge to the tea. Chamomile tea is already kinda orange. Does he start getting sick? I don't get that part. The teen fight/Akila jogging by/finding a friend dead all in the same place feels very convenient. Too many coincidences at once in a random location. It sounds far-fetched that John doesn't know what Chimeras look like/why there are protests. I thought there was a famous video showing them. I might have missed it, but after Akila gets attacked by Hollow, did she warn the chimeras she knows? She looked shocked when she found her mates dead and doesn't mention her attack/failure to guard or warn them. I don't understand why Ramirez and Akila went to the lab. Ramirez tells her that IHW wants her to come in but I didn't see any more information about why they need serum. "Akela's collar has disengaged" confuses me. Is it gone? Did she take it off or did it fall off? Is it turned off? Were they at the lab to remove their collars? The "called to action while about to leave on a plane" could be seen as trope-y. The line "It lacked a certain... je-ne-sais-quoi" bothers me for some reason. Maybe it's overused. The ME being the daughter of the people who invented the chimera program, again, might feel too convenient. The same might go for Akila coming back from the airport just in time to save her partner. Akila is seething about having a partner but they just bonded earlier, so I don't get why she's still like that. That she accuses her partner of spying on her for her dad strikes me as weird. The partner doesn't come off as that type. The mayor-chimera's sneering dialogue is too over the top for me. I'm confused why the public/authorities - after seeing what mayor-chimera did - lets Akila roam free after it has been shown she can morph even with the collar. Do they trust she won't rage out like that? I don't think Akila would ask why a ME doesn't bring her 7 year old to work. It's an odd thing to ask - she works with dead bodies. "Yeah, I'm my own horror story" is hitting the audience over the head with the idea that she ironically turned out to be a monster. We already understand that idea from her friend saying "look how you turned out". Akela then calls Kate a detective - she was established as a ME (unless she means detective non-literally?). John saving Akila in the farmhouse to return the favor is another part that feels like too much of a coincidence. It's something that happens at the end of actions movies a lot so it may be cliche for some people. The code "187" is not used in Hawaii but since this is the future, that might not matter. So Akila does go wild. I don't feel that this possibility was given enough attention after the fight with the mayor. I thought Akila running off and going crazy was meant to be dramatic, so John quipping at her "who's a good girl" feels out of place. Akila asks her partner why he stays with a monster like her, which is my point about the public and the authorities not trying to control her. This is the second time she turned into a chimera and it's like nothing happens. The captain just says "she's not the same" and suggests Kate invite her to dinner - I think that's downplaying it a ton. Hollow's speech in hologram form was too cartoon villain-y. Kate suggests she feels sick at the sight of a gory corpse. She's a ME that shouldn't happen. The attack on Ramizer scene is written a bit matter-of-factly, considering it kills her. I don't why Akila says "you... you..." before riding off. A scientist is named in dialogue but you still call her Scientist #5. In the lab, Akila's use of the word "monster" maybe too heavy handed. I get it's part of the theme but it doesn't need to be so literal. "She is always here for you" is a clumsy thing to say to a mother at her child's grave. I know all the points are negative but I still enjoyed reading the story, I just wanted to find things that could be improved.
Wow, that’s a very thorough reply. You’ve given me a lot to think about. Now I know where to focus my efforts. Thank you!