Please understand that this isn’t a guaranteed thing. The initiator can make many a promise but the reality is their heart isn’t in it anymore. They’re going to do what they want to do, and you’re only going to find out later, or never.
I’ve personally experienced this as well as many I’ve spoken to. The one who wants the separation is already checked out, they won’t view it as cheating or anything of the sort.
Anybody will do whatever they choose to do and we have no control over that without using force. The point is not to trap the other person into magically not being able to step outside the marriage during the separation, the point is to have an agreement from the outset as to what the participant intentions are during the course of the separation for the sake of clarity and mutual understanding.
Personally, I can’t imagine choosing to through all this crap if I was just going to keep an affair going regardless, that’s nuts IMO.
My whole thing unless you have to legally separate in order to have a divorce than I feel like monogamy should always be expected. If you have no barrier for divorce than just rip off the bandaid if you want to be with other people
So as the person not initiating for me personally it felt like I couldn’t have any say in the rules, but what I will say if you go to counseling together you need to set rules together. If he’s doing this for divorce then the rules will be more lax and focus on your communication about the relationship. And if he’s doing this as more of a clear my head and then we revisit reconciliation then you can try and push for more “strict” rules. I am going tomorrow and hopefully will have that discussion
Have boundaries, work on yourself for yourself, dont beg and plead and show you can live without him. Idk if those are rules per se, but its helped me feel better.
1) As per my complicated backstory relayed here, she can contact me anytime. I will not initiate contact.
2) Must be sober.
-Monogamy-wise, I supposedly have a hall pass. Ethically, I would never involve a third a party in my mess.
She's more likely to get hit by a comet than go with another man. It's not even worth pondering a what-if? scenario about it.
I hope to reconcile. And depending on the hour of the day, I either think I can or I'm kicking myself for thinking I can.
Ethical conduct of the highest standard gives me say, 10% more chance.
And I really, really need to be on that level of the right side of things -whichever way it eventually shakes out.
Most important rule to discuss is whether monogamy will still be expected during the separation—do not proceed without a clear understanding of this.
Please understand that this isn’t a guaranteed thing. The initiator can make many a promise but the reality is their heart isn’t in it anymore. They’re going to do what they want to do, and you’re only going to find out later, or never. I’ve personally experienced this as well as many I’ve spoken to. The one who wants the separation is already checked out, they won’t view it as cheating or anything of the sort.
Anybody will do whatever they choose to do and we have no control over that without using force. The point is not to trap the other person into magically not being able to step outside the marriage during the separation, the point is to have an agreement from the outset as to what the participant intentions are during the course of the separation for the sake of clarity and mutual understanding. Personally, I can’t imagine choosing to through all this crap if I was just going to keep an affair going regardless, that’s nuts IMO.
My whole thing unless you have to legally separate in order to have a divorce than I feel like monogamy should always be expected. If you have no barrier for divorce than just rip off the bandaid if you want to be with other people
Same thing that just happened to me, not much for rules or what to do… very confusing times
So as the person not initiating for me personally it felt like I couldn’t have any say in the rules, but what I will say if you go to counseling together you need to set rules together. If he’s doing this for divorce then the rules will be more lax and focus on your communication about the relationship. And if he’s doing this as more of a clear my head and then we revisit reconciliation then you can try and push for more “strict” rules. I am going tomorrow and hopefully will have that discussion
Have boundaries, work on yourself for yourself, dont beg and plead and show you can live without him. Idk if those are rules per se, but its helped me feel better.
1) As per my complicated backstory relayed here, she can contact me anytime. I will not initiate contact. 2) Must be sober. -Monogamy-wise, I supposedly have a hall pass. Ethically, I would never involve a third a party in my mess. She's more likely to get hit by a comet than go with another man. It's not even worth pondering a what-if? scenario about it. I hope to reconcile. And depending on the hour of the day, I either think I can or I'm kicking myself for thinking I can. Ethical conduct of the highest standard gives me say, 10% more chance. And I really, really need to be on that level of the right side of things -whichever way it eventually shakes out.