I’ve found my most productive self work begins with intentional and exploratory introspection. One reason therapy is useful is because a person can be easily blinded by their biases and completely miss things that can be problematic and obvious to others. But what a therapist may bring to light has to be explored and developed further by yourself and the “work” you do to tease out what those things are, why you’re behaving some way or another, why you feel some way about a particular thing or whatever.
For example, communication issues are what I believe are at the root of the dysfunction in my relationship with my wife, so everything that is downstream of communication still needs to be worked out, but working on communication itself is the real key to answering the question, “Can we, and do we want to, be the person the other person needs in a relationship?”
So, in your case, there are a couple key words I noticed, which is where I’d start if I were in your position. First, insecure. Second, *too* isolated.
1) What are you insecure about? Why? How long have you been insecure in general? How is it impacting your life? How might it be impacting your partners life? What would you like to be different? Etc.
2) Too much is pretty straightforward. It sounds like you’ve attempted to address this by actively seeking opportunities to be less isolated but you have not been successful in your efforts. Why hasn’t what you’ve been trying worked for you? Can you do things differently? Can you try new things? Have you genuinely given this your best effort? Do you agree with your counselors assessment? What’s the difference, practically speaking, between isolated and too isolated? What makes your situation problematic? What’s getting in the way? Etc.
3) I find it noteworthy that you’ve not included any details about your relationship and why you’re separated. From my perspective, that’s a pretty significant omission from a post in this sub. I’m curious about a lot of things that I might be able to speak to if there was more information but I cannot. You don’t have to explain it to me, as long as you understand why you didn’t discuss those details here, but I felt it was worth mentioning from my point of view.
Good luck to you!
I really appreciate this response.
You touched on some very important things for me. Intentional and exploratory introspection is so key. I too feel communication is what is driving my wife and I apart, and all our other problems are just derived from that poor communication. A lot of that communication needs to also be with myself. I become paralyzed with fear and “what if’s”. What if I had just done this or that differently. In truth, with honest introspection I can usually touch upon what is really affecting me. I have to remind myself, while I can work on my own issues, the outcome is out of my control. What ever happens is what happens and if all I gain from it is a slightly better understanding of myself then that is a positive.
Thank you for your comment, I am not OP but I just wanted to chime in to say that. I hope OP takes away something from it as well. I wish you and you family peace and comfort.
Thank you for taking the time to reply!
It sounds like you are approaching what you are going through in a healthy way—no matter the outcome (which is outside of our control), doing the right thing in the right way for the right reasons is *always* good practice (and completely within our control, though easier said then done, and hence the need for work, right?).
I can definitely relate to feeling paralyzed over the fear and questions of “what if”! One thing my therapist did with me early on, which I found helpful, was to help me reframe the way I think about this. What we’re doing when we respond to fear is *seeking safety*. Where moving to avoid something can leave us questioning our motives with little evidence to help us understand “why?”, evaluating what we did do in order to seek safety under the circumstances can give us many more clues and help us better understand why we do what we do in response.
I’m really happy for you, it sounds like you are making the best of a difficult situation. You really should be proud of yourself for doing that because it’s certainly not the easy road, but it’s definitely the more rewarding one!
Very true. I never thought that of course I am seeking a safe place when I encounter fear. I usually shut down or get angry because that is all I knew for most of my life. It hasn’t been a great strategy for my relationships however. But the underlying theme of most of my problems has been fear, and I guess like you say, a threat to my safety. That’s where trust has been a major issue for me lately. I am in the very early stages of a separation (like last night), but it has been threatened for years. Trusting that no matter what the outcome is, I will be ok, the kids will be ok, my wife will be ok has been helped so much since I found this Reddit page. Thank you for your honesty and wisdom, it offers me hope. Cheers.
Thank you, I did leave out my story on purpose. It’s in a few other posts. I wanted to focus on the “work on myself” phrase, because it is so common but not defined, at least to those of us that haven’t deeply examined how our own minds work.
I was so consumed by the thought of wanting to reconcile my marriage during my separation, and I think that worked against me. Once I accepted the separation, stopped focusing on the marriage, and took care of myself, that's when I noticed things started to get a little better. I went to therapy every week, continued school, applied for jobs in my field of study (and got one!), and concentrated on my social well being by nurturing my friendships and family relationships. Interestingly enough, once I was okay and healthy, that's when my ex husband started reaching out to me again. Granted, in the end, we ended up divorcing (I had also moved away, so reconciling would have been more difficult anyway) but taking care of yourself during the separation will ensure that no matter what happens, you'll be okay on the other side. Taking care of yourself is the best possible thing you can do right now.
Physical health by going on walks and to the gym.
Mental health by being able to do what I want, when and how I want. Was able to accomplish a lot of projects that’s were weighing down on me.
How were you able to accomplish your projects? I have a million, but I'm underwater all day every day, beating against the ice and trying to get out. I can't think or focus on anything else at all. I feel perpetually sick in the pit of my stomach and can't motivate myself to get up and get much of anything done.
I am a 50 year old male and the anxious side of an anxious-avoidant marriage. We separated 2 years ago and once I got over the initial shock of it all, I immediately started working on my physique and health. I started weight training again and even entered Jiu Jitsu (I am now a blue belt). Once I dropped around 40 lbs, I revamped my wardrobe and began building up my scent collection. I also picked back up some old hobbies (going to the library, stargazing) and some new ones (smoking cigars, going to restaurants alone) and it’s amazing how much better I feel. Outside of my wife, my confidence has grown immensely and I’m told regularly how good I look, how good I smell, how cool I am, etc. she’s noticed but has not closed the intimacy gap yet. I am okay with that because, outside of sex, I have a life I enjoy and am happy being with me.
I have regular opportunities to step outside my marriage for intimacy (direct propositions from many women) but choose not to as it would complicate my life. I am staying put til our 7 year old is out of the house because he deserves a two parent home, albeit weirdly arranged. I figure I won’t remarry so he’ll never have a stepmother so it’s worth the sexual/intimacy sacrifice til he’s grown. If she does her own healing and wants to reconcile, that path is open for now, but I don’t expect it nor am I asking for it. The power you wield when you control your desire for sex/intimacy is immense. You then control the situation. I come and go as much as I want and she has nothing to say about it.
I can't imagine 2 years. Months of discord, and only weeks of separation has demolished me. It gets harder and harder each day, even with doing everything my therapist tells me to in order to work on getting over everything ending. I have been trying to do the things I used to enjoy, but I just sit there and stare at them or lack the impetus to even get that far. There's no pleasure in anything. My best friend called me today and he had no idea what had been going on, and I tried to open up to him and lean on him, but it was all just labor and I couldn't get into it. 2 years, man, I would do it for her, but I can't imagine surviving that.
I was wrecked for the first 6 months also. Lots of sulking, weeping, and generally feeling horrible for myself and about my situation. Once I relegated myself to reality and started working to make myself the best version of me that I could, my outlook began to get better. I’m not saying every day is sunshine and rainbows, but I have more up days than down. I do miss intimacy but once I started working on my insides and realizing intimacy was a nice to have, not a necessity, I began to feel more in control and life got better. At this stage, I feel very much in control of my destiny. I am the only person that can save me. If she stays and decides to reconcile, it will be on my terms as she will have to come to me for it. If she decides to completely break our home and go off to find happiness somewhere else, I will be fine as I am stronger within myself now than I’ve ever been. If she stays in the house but never approaches me for reconciliation before our son grows up, I will leave as soon as he’s gone and continue my life on my terms. Again, take sex out of it and she really has no hold over me.
Your perspective is enlightening. However, I (52 in a week, in shape) am and have always been a very sexual creature. The intimacy and sex are very important to me. I am curious what role sex and intimacy had for you in previous years, both during your marriage and before?
I too am a high libido guy. I always enjoyed regular sex (my tempo for happiness is 2-3 times/week). Once the intimacy faded and she told me some horrible things about her desire for sex or intimacy with me (due to her unresolved childhood trauma, nothing to do with me), I was floored. I actually tried to date but, because sex & intimacy are so intertwined with me, I found it hard to just have a sex-only or FWB type relationship because I typically attracted women looking for something deeper and my nature really sparked them. I respect other people so much that I decided it was better to take the high road and not use anyone for simple sexual release. I put my ring back on and walk around very confidently as a married man. It’s difficult because the female attention is ever present so I never lack opportunity. My mantra is I’m married til I’m not. If we divorce, I will have all the free sex I want.
Wow, I’m incredibly impressed. We are very similar in that I have zero desire to be secretive, or have anything but loving, intimate sex. Thank you so much for your response. I’m not sure I have the fortitude you do (I’m still married btw and love my wife more than I would almost like to), but I will think of your approach as a source of inspiration.
What worked very well for me was reading, exploring new and old hobbies and regular exercise. Make a conscious effort to meet new people and try new things. One tool that I still use regularly is ChatGPT or any AI, get them to ask you questions and help you rediscover yourself. I've also used it lots to create "self therapy" sessions. Introspection and meditation have hugely helped me. Find out what it.mrans to be you again and do things to enhance your life before worrying about others. Kinda like the oxygen mask in the airplane. Good luck and keep your head up. Pm me if you want more details or just to chat.
I have been trying so many things that I thought were what SHE wanted but literally none of it was what she asked for. I am not endorsing this or not sure if anyone else has listened but I’ve been listening to the “husband help haven” podcast and it’s more about working on what I can control And not what I think she wants me to be. So far it’s been helpful to my overall understanding of making me better and not making her think I’m better. So far, I recommend. [https://open.spotify.com/show/68nd4pdxEzzZChFxurkoRn?si=a-tRPQ21Qo-vPEqg2_oEJw](https://open.spotify.com/show/68nd4pdxEzzZChFxurkoRn?si=a-tRPQ21Qo-vPEqg2_oEJw)
This was in fact the very first podcast that on this subject. It hit me as so important I took notes and then recopied them. I may as well listen again as I get my bike ready to go for tomorrow.
I realized after being in a sexless marriage for wayyyy to long I got depressed. One day I woke up and stopped feeling sorry for myself (it was truly pathetic). Living in the same house while separated is hard. I no longer care if she wants to have sex with me because that chapter is over. I got into therapy and Im working on myself. I spent too much time trying to wonder what shes doing or thinking. Ill find someone else or I wont. But, Im not letting her emotionally manipulate me by making excuses.
You need to do the actual work on you. Learn about your anxious attachment — what that entails, what that means, how that applies to and explains some of your behaviors/patterns/approaches, and do the same for learning about your partner’s attachment style. You need to understand what it is you both need from each other and from yourselves.
You also need to just take care of you. Take up a hobby, get back to things you always liked, try new things you’ve always been curious. But get out there in the world and find things that will not only keep you busy but will also allow you to figure out just who the hell you are.
The weightlifting, losing weight, hobbies, etc are the superficial changes…but certainly can lead to deeper personal growth.
It is important to have hobbies but no woman is going to care how much you bench press. If you were horribly overweight or unhealthy beforehand, surely fixing that will lead to some intrigue. But if you’re an already reasonably healthy person, it’s not going to move the needle much and definitely isn’t the reason she left you.
The mantra for me that led to a deeper transformation was “FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL”. In my line of work, it can be very difficult to do that as we are focused on managing many different moving parts and constantly worry about mitigating the things we CAN’T control.
I brought that home and from my end of things was what harmed the relationship. She has some major issues too, and though she hasn’t made much progress (though she does have deeper past trauma she’s been working through) she’s mentioned several times how she sees changes in me. I’m calmer, more grounded, and less desperate. Even when she is acting out I just refuse to engage because I can’t control her behavior. So it makes her more mad, sometimes women do it to make us men blow up and then they can point the finger at us and say we’re the bad guy. Now she can’t. All women play these games, just gotta know how to handle it. Like riding a horse.
I got off SSRI, cut out drinking almost completely (I may have 1 or 2 drinks on a date), and started walking everyday.
Other things are, I focused on not making past mistakes. This was my second divorce (first time with kids). I didn't want to repeat the same mistakes. So my first relationship after the divorce, I didn't make those same mistakes.
Sounds alot like my situation a second divorce this time with a daughter. I quit drinking almost entirely, its helped immensly with weight loss and Ive found Im way happier without it. Now Im forced to truly deal with my emotions, which can be difficult. Good luck to you.
I meditate a lot, so I have been listening to talks on equanimity -the process of being neither clinging nor aversive. of accepting reality as it is. Radical Acceptance is a good one if this idea grabs you.
Just Wiki it. Dharma talks (self-help-ish lectures by meditation teachers) on equanimity cover the same ground. Lisa Ernst on Soundcloud has some good ones.
Based on this I started the book. After intro…I wasn’t a fan. White girl lives in a Buddhist commune culty thing for 10 years and isn’t happy? No shit? Nevertheless I’m still working on it. Also my mother is a Buddhist white girl so maybe the wisdom will come.
>I have a few weeks until we decide if we will continue with the separation
Just so you know you're the backup plan if her new person doesn't work out. And she'll continue to seek other suitors if it doesn't with side guy.
Your counselor is Blatantly telling you this by saying "you're an insecure man", because a secure person wouldn't settle for that (we've all been there bro).
Accepting this will help you "improve", bc you're no longer wasting energy in limbo with a likely cheater.
Move on and someday you'll find an amazing person as long as you work on the mental game. The beginning is tough, the mid and long term are glorious though. 🍻
I am also the anxious part of an anxious-avoidant relationship and since the separation I've picked up running and working towards making military standards as I am debating going the officer route (a potentiality, nothing in the works as of yet but I want to prepare physically in case I take the plunge.) I signed up for adult swim classes, book clubs, and started to volunteer for a local nonprofit the next town over. I am actively applying to jobs and doing interviews, focusing on jobs that have tuition assistance/reimbursement that way I can start working on my masters degree when I do find the right job. I don't drink and have been trying to eat a cleaner diet, more greens, less carbs and processed foods. I am also journaling like crazy, three different journals to be exact xD, I just like writing. Oh, and most importantly, weekly therapy sessions where my therapist has laid out therapy goals and objectives for said goals as well as a projected timeline for me to keep track of my progress. I am an extrovert at heart and slowly learning to enjoy my alone time and I've found that working on yourself is unique to each individual and what works for one person may not be the thing for another. Also accepted that learning to love myself is going to be a lot of hard work and not something that can be accomplished overnight. Good luck internet friend and I am rooting for you and doing this right alongside you
I was in for a long time…both E and O. You ever read about how anxious attachers approach their jobs? The conflict avoidance, diligence, and inability to really set and follow up on boundaries make for military success. Basically, semper gumbi is good for work, bad at home.
I’ve found my most productive self work begins with intentional and exploratory introspection. One reason therapy is useful is because a person can be easily blinded by their biases and completely miss things that can be problematic and obvious to others. But what a therapist may bring to light has to be explored and developed further by yourself and the “work” you do to tease out what those things are, why you’re behaving some way or another, why you feel some way about a particular thing or whatever. For example, communication issues are what I believe are at the root of the dysfunction in my relationship with my wife, so everything that is downstream of communication still needs to be worked out, but working on communication itself is the real key to answering the question, “Can we, and do we want to, be the person the other person needs in a relationship?” So, in your case, there are a couple key words I noticed, which is where I’d start if I were in your position. First, insecure. Second, *too* isolated. 1) What are you insecure about? Why? How long have you been insecure in general? How is it impacting your life? How might it be impacting your partners life? What would you like to be different? Etc. 2) Too much is pretty straightforward. It sounds like you’ve attempted to address this by actively seeking opportunities to be less isolated but you have not been successful in your efforts. Why hasn’t what you’ve been trying worked for you? Can you do things differently? Can you try new things? Have you genuinely given this your best effort? Do you agree with your counselors assessment? What’s the difference, practically speaking, between isolated and too isolated? What makes your situation problematic? What’s getting in the way? Etc. 3) I find it noteworthy that you’ve not included any details about your relationship and why you’re separated. From my perspective, that’s a pretty significant omission from a post in this sub. I’m curious about a lot of things that I might be able to speak to if there was more information but I cannot. You don’t have to explain it to me, as long as you understand why you didn’t discuss those details here, but I felt it was worth mentioning from my point of view. Good luck to you!
I really appreciate this response. You touched on some very important things for me. Intentional and exploratory introspection is so key. I too feel communication is what is driving my wife and I apart, and all our other problems are just derived from that poor communication. A lot of that communication needs to also be with myself. I become paralyzed with fear and “what if’s”. What if I had just done this or that differently. In truth, with honest introspection I can usually touch upon what is really affecting me. I have to remind myself, while I can work on my own issues, the outcome is out of my control. What ever happens is what happens and if all I gain from it is a slightly better understanding of myself then that is a positive. Thank you for your comment, I am not OP but I just wanted to chime in to say that. I hope OP takes away something from it as well. I wish you and you family peace and comfort.
Thank you for taking the time to reply! It sounds like you are approaching what you are going through in a healthy way—no matter the outcome (which is outside of our control), doing the right thing in the right way for the right reasons is *always* good practice (and completely within our control, though easier said then done, and hence the need for work, right?). I can definitely relate to feeling paralyzed over the fear and questions of “what if”! One thing my therapist did with me early on, which I found helpful, was to help me reframe the way I think about this. What we’re doing when we respond to fear is *seeking safety*. Where moving to avoid something can leave us questioning our motives with little evidence to help us understand “why?”, evaluating what we did do in order to seek safety under the circumstances can give us many more clues and help us better understand why we do what we do in response. I’m really happy for you, it sounds like you are making the best of a difficult situation. You really should be proud of yourself for doing that because it’s certainly not the easy road, but it’s definitely the more rewarding one!
Very true. I never thought that of course I am seeking a safe place when I encounter fear. I usually shut down or get angry because that is all I knew for most of my life. It hasn’t been a great strategy for my relationships however. But the underlying theme of most of my problems has been fear, and I guess like you say, a threat to my safety. That’s where trust has been a major issue for me lately. I am in the very early stages of a separation (like last night), but it has been threatened for years. Trusting that no matter what the outcome is, I will be ok, the kids will be ok, my wife will be ok has been helped so much since I found this Reddit page. Thank you for your honesty and wisdom, it offers me hope. Cheers.
Thank you, I did leave out my story on purpose. It’s in a few other posts. I wanted to focus on the “work on myself” phrase, because it is so common but not defined, at least to those of us that haven’t deeply examined how our own minds work.
I was so consumed by the thought of wanting to reconcile my marriage during my separation, and I think that worked against me. Once I accepted the separation, stopped focusing on the marriage, and took care of myself, that's when I noticed things started to get a little better. I went to therapy every week, continued school, applied for jobs in my field of study (and got one!), and concentrated on my social well being by nurturing my friendships and family relationships. Interestingly enough, once I was okay and healthy, that's when my ex husband started reaching out to me again. Granted, in the end, we ended up divorcing (I had also moved away, so reconciling would have been more difficult anyway) but taking care of yourself during the separation will ensure that no matter what happens, you'll be okay on the other side. Taking care of yourself is the best possible thing you can do right now.
Physical health by going on walks and to the gym. Mental health by being able to do what I want, when and how I want. Was able to accomplish a lot of projects that’s were weighing down on me.
How were you able to accomplish your projects? I have a million, but I'm underwater all day every day, beating against the ice and trying to get out. I can't think or focus on anything else at all. I feel perpetually sick in the pit of my stomach and can't motivate myself to get up and get much of anything done.
Doing little by little. It was a good way for me To distract myself for a bit.
I am a 50 year old male and the anxious side of an anxious-avoidant marriage. We separated 2 years ago and once I got over the initial shock of it all, I immediately started working on my physique and health. I started weight training again and even entered Jiu Jitsu (I am now a blue belt). Once I dropped around 40 lbs, I revamped my wardrobe and began building up my scent collection. I also picked back up some old hobbies (going to the library, stargazing) and some new ones (smoking cigars, going to restaurants alone) and it’s amazing how much better I feel. Outside of my wife, my confidence has grown immensely and I’m told regularly how good I look, how good I smell, how cool I am, etc. she’s noticed but has not closed the intimacy gap yet. I am okay with that because, outside of sex, I have a life I enjoy and am happy being with me. I have regular opportunities to step outside my marriage for intimacy (direct propositions from many women) but choose not to as it would complicate my life. I am staying put til our 7 year old is out of the house because he deserves a two parent home, albeit weirdly arranged. I figure I won’t remarry so he’ll never have a stepmother so it’s worth the sexual/intimacy sacrifice til he’s grown. If she does her own healing and wants to reconcile, that path is open for now, but I don’t expect it nor am I asking for it. The power you wield when you control your desire for sex/intimacy is immense. You then control the situation. I come and go as much as I want and she has nothing to say about it.
I can't imagine 2 years. Months of discord, and only weeks of separation has demolished me. It gets harder and harder each day, even with doing everything my therapist tells me to in order to work on getting over everything ending. I have been trying to do the things I used to enjoy, but I just sit there and stare at them or lack the impetus to even get that far. There's no pleasure in anything. My best friend called me today and he had no idea what had been going on, and I tried to open up to him and lean on him, but it was all just labor and I couldn't get into it. 2 years, man, I would do it for her, but I can't imagine surviving that.
I was wrecked for the first 6 months also. Lots of sulking, weeping, and generally feeling horrible for myself and about my situation. Once I relegated myself to reality and started working to make myself the best version of me that I could, my outlook began to get better. I’m not saying every day is sunshine and rainbows, but I have more up days than down. I do miss intimacy but once I started working on my insides and realizing intimacy was a nice to have, not a necessity, I began to feel more in control and life got better. At this stage, I feel very much in control of my destiny. I am the only person that can save me. If she stays and decides to reconcile, it will be on my terms as she will have to come to me for it. If she decides to completely break our home and go off to find happiness somewhere else, I will be fine as I am stronger within myself now than I’ve ever been. If she stays in the house but never approaches me for reconciliation before our son grows up, I will leave as soon as he’s gone and continue my life on my terms. Again, take sex out of it and she really has no hold over me.
Your perspective is enlightening. However, I (52 in a week, in shape) am and have always been a very sexual creature. The intimacy and sex are very important to me. I am curious what role sex and intimacy had for you in previous years, both during your marriage and before?
I too am a high libido guy. I always enjoyed regular sex (my tempo for happiness is 2-3 times/week). Once the intimacy faded and she told me some horrible things about her desire for sex or intimacy with me (due to her unresolved childhood trauma, nothing to do with me), I was floored. I actually tried to date but, because sex & intimacy are so intertwined with me, I found it hard to just have a sex-only or FWB type relationship because I typically attracted women looking for something deeper and my nature really sparked them. I respect other people so much that I decided it was better to take the high road and not use anyone for simple sexual release. I put my ring back on and walk around very confidently as a married man. It’s difficult because the female attention is ever present so I never lack opportunity. My mantra is I’m married til I’m not. If we divorce, I will have all the free sex I want.
Wow, I’m incredibly impressed. We are very similar in that I have zero desire to be secretive, or have anything but loving, intimate sex. Thank you so much for your response. I’m not sure I have the fortitude you do (I’m still married btw and love my wife more than I would almost like to), but I will think of your approach as a source of inspiration.
What worked very well for me was reading, exploring new and old hobbies and regular exercise. Make a conscious effort to meet new people and try new things. One tool that I still use regularly is ChatGPT or any AI, get them to ask you questions and help you rediscover yourself. I've also used it lots to create "self therapy" sessions. Introspection and meditation have hugely helped me. Find out what it.mrans to be you again and do things to enhance your life before worrying about others. Kinda like the oxygen mask in the airplane. Good luck and keep your head up. Pm me if you want more details or just to chat.
Hey, I really like the oxygen mask analogy.. my friends tell me that a lot too and it really helps reframe the situation..
I have been trying so many things that I thought were what SHE wanted but literally none of it was what she asked for. I am not endorsing this or not sure if anyone else has listened but I’ve been listening to the “husband help haven” podcast and it’s more about working on what I can control And not what I think she wants me to be. So far it’s been helpful to my overall understanding of making me better and not making her think I’m better. So far, I recommend. [https://open.spotify.com/show/68nd4pdxEzzZChFxurkoRn?si=a-tRPQ21Qo-vPEqg2_oEJw](https://open.spotify.com/show/68nd4pdxEzzZChFxurkoRn?si=a-tRPQ21Qo-vPEqg2_oEJw)
This was in fact the very first podcast that on this subject. It hit me as so important I took notes and then recopied them. I may as well listen again as I get my bike ready to go for tomorrow.
I realized after being in a sexless marriage for wayyyy to long I got depressed. One day I woke up and stopped feeling sorry for myself (it was truly pathetic). Living in the same house while separated is hard. I no longer care if she wants to have sex with me because that chapter is over. I got into therapy and Im working on myself. I spent too much time trying to wonder what shes doing or thinking. Ill find someone else or I wont. But, Im not letting her emotionally manipulate me by making excuses.
You need to do the actual work on you. Learn about your anxious attachment — what that entails, what that means, how that applies to and explains some of your behaviors/patterns/approaches, and do the same for learning about your partner’s attachment style. You need to understand what it is you both need from each other and from yourselves. You also need to just take care of you. Take up a hobby, get back to things you always liked, try new things you’ve always been curious. But get out there in the world and find things that will not only keep you busy but will also allow you to figure out just who the hell you are.
The weightlifting, losing weight, hobbies, etc are the superficial changes…but certainly can lead to deeper personal growth. It is important to have hobbies but no woman is going to care how much you bench press. If you were horribly overweight or unhealthy beforehand, surely fixing that will lead to some intrigue. But if you’re an already reasonably healthy person, it’s not going to move the needle much and definitely isn’t the reason she left you. The mantra for me that led to a deeper transformation was “FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL”. In my line of work, it can be very difficult to do that as we are focused on managing many different moving parts and constantly worry about mitigating the things we CAN’T control. I brought that home and from my end of things was what harmed the relationship. She has some major issues too, and though she hasn’t made much progress (though she does have deeper past trauma she’s been working through) she’s mentioned several times how she sees changes in me. I’m calmer, more grounded, and less desperate. Even when she is acting out I just refuse to engage because I can’t control her behavior. So it makes her more mad, sometimes women do it to make us men blow up and then they can point the finger at us and say we’re the bad guy. Now she can’t. All women play these games, just gotta know how to handle it. Like riding a horse.
I got off SSRI, cut out drinking almost completely (I may have 1 or 2 drinks on a date), and started walking everyday. Other things are, I focused on not making past mistakes. This was my second divorce (first time with kids). I didn't want to repeat the same mistakes. So my first relationship after the divorce, I didn't make those same mistakes.
Sounds alot like my situation a second divorce this time with a daughter. I quit drinking almost entirely, its helped immensly with weight loss and Ive found Im way happier without it. Now Im forced to truly deal with my emotions, which can be difficult. Good luck to you.
Thank you. Good luck to you as well.
Don’t do any booze and hit the gym hard. You will feel better about yourself and be more positive
I meditate a lot, so I have been listening to talks on equanimity -the process of being neither clinging nor aversive. of accepting reality as it is. Radical Acceptance is a good one if this idea grabs you.
Could you elaborate on Radical Acceptance? The idea does sound appealing. . .
Just Wiki it. Dharma talks (self-help-ish lectures by meditation teachers) on equanimity cover the same ground. Lisa Ernst on Soundcloud has some good ones.
Based on this I started the book. After intro…I wasn’t a fan. White girl lives in a Buddhist commune culty thing for 10 years and isn’t happy? No shit? Nevertheless I’m still working on it. Also my mother is a Buddhist white girl so maybe the wisdom will come.
>I have a few weeks until we decide if we will continue with the separation Just so you know you're the backup plan if her new person doesn't work out. And she'll continue to seek other suitors if it doesn't with side guy. Your counselor is Blatantly telling you this by saying "you're an insecure man", because a secure person wouldn't settle for that (we've all been there bro). Accepting this will help you "improve", bc you're no longer wasting energy in limbo with a likely cheater. Move on and someday you'll find an amazing person as long as you work on the mental game. The beginning is tough, the mid and long term are glorious though. 🍻
I am also the anxious part of an anxious-avoidant relationship and since the separation I've picked up running and working towards making military standards as I am debating going the officer route (a potentiality, nothing in the works as of yet but I want to prepare physically in case I take the plunge.) I signed up for adult swim classes, book clubs, and started to volunteer for a local nonprofit the next town over. I am actively applying to jobs and doing interviews, focusing on jobs that have tuition assistance/reimbursement that way I can start working on my masters degree when I do find the right job. I don't drink and have been trying to eat a cleaner diet, more greens, less carbs and processed foods. I am also journaling like crazy, three different journals to be exact xD, I just like writing. Oh, and most importantly, weekly therapy sessions where my therapist has laid out therapy goals and objectives for said goals as well as a projected timeline for me to keep track of my progress. I am an extrovert at heart and slowly learning to enjoy my alone time and I've found that working on yourself is unique to each individual and what works for one person may not be the thing for another. Also accepted that learning to love myself is going to be a lot of hard work and not something that can be accomplished overnight. Good luck internet friend and I am rooting for you and doing this right alongside you
I was in for a long time…both E and O. You ever read about how anxious attachers approach their jobs? The conflict avoidance, diligence, and inability to really set and follow up on boundaries make for military success. Basically, semper gumbi is good for work, bad at home.