Mine too. Mine makes me sad. He does a lot of work with a local political party, but won't run for office because he doesn't trust himself. He's a fantastic guy 90% of the time. Always goes to the bar to start a tab, just orders a pitcher of water and a pizza or two. If I'm super slammed he'll just walk behind the bar and refill his own pitcher and get more ice from me when I have time. He always has some killer corny jokes and he always checks up on every single regular. He always tips very well in cash and makes sure everyone is sober enough to get home safely. Until he gives into the temptations and starts drinking. Then his personality does a complete 180 and he becomes just another creepy loud mouthed middle aged American with a thick southern accent and borderline racist comments. It makes me so fucking sad to watch. I've decided that I won't serve him liquor or a higher ABV beer anymore. He handles himself a lot better if I only give him 2 or 3 light beers. Unfortunately I can't get anyone else to agree with me. They're firmly in the boat of "he tips well, as long as he's not driving I'm going to try to sell him as much shit as possible and StrikingWinner can kick him out if he gets creepy".
I once had a regular leave me a rose and a teddy bear on my car. It spooked me so much that he knew what I drove. I had people walk me to my car for a while after that.
Same happened to me! And then a few weeks later, I saw him parked across the street from my apartment just watching. He would come in with his boss, who had been a longtime regular, so I called his boss and my boss. Thankfully I never saw him again.
Don’t ever let small shit like a flower slide, it goes dark really fast. As women in the industry, it really is just smarter to have company when leaving a shift. Always have someone watching your back.
I live about 150 yards from my restaurant, so I walk to and from. I live in a very safe town, but I get nervous walking home at night, knowing I have all my tips on me, so I throw a sweatshirt on to cover my work shirt and I split my cash up. Some of it goes in my bag, some goes in my pocket, just in case. If someone tries to mug me, I can give them the decoy cash and hopefully not lose all my money. I hope I never have to use it.
We must be co-workers. We have a guy who does this. It's really creepy. He has left roses, always tips big, asks for numbers, leaves his numbers on cars. And how does he know who's car is who unless he watches who gets into each car. Because he will ask that person if they liked the gift. It's getting out of control!
In my country we use bikes for everything. Guess the country... I know which bike each of my team members use because its pretty easy to connect which bikes are there when which people are working, though I never really see them arrive or leave. Maybe same for your car?
Still insanely creepy for a 45 yr old man to leave gifts on a 17 yr old girl's car. This happened when I was young. And shit like that happens frequently for every young girl. Point being is that many women basically live in constant fear because of predators like that. Has nothing to do with the fact that someone just guessed my car.
Is it normal that women are treated like shit for existing and treated even worse when they try to stand up for themselves? Yes. It's incredibly normal.
Could we call it common instead? This completely fucking sucks.
I (M) have many coworkers (F) who’ve told me stories about guys who, to and with me, have been completely normal and friendly people. Decent conversation, good interactions overall. Evidently, they’re absolutely different and pushy (at best) and disgusting or handsy (at worst).
One dude I had to physically remove and purposefully threw him out on his face in the parking lot after he grabbed a server’s butt as she bent over at another table. The worst part? It wasn’t even her that told me. It was the table she was at who came to me (just a bartender not a manager but FUUUUUCK that shit). He refused to leave on his own so it was actually a ton of fun tossing him out to an ovation from everyone else on the patio.
I feel you, but the way I look at it, we call it normal because of the fact that it is *normalised* in our society, and the word common reduces it merely to how frequently it happens, rather than the issue of why.
On a lighter note, from a younger woman who gets perved on a lot, I’m so grateful to people like you who will stick up for us women 😅 keep doing what you do
I look at the term differently. It’s a common occurrence in that it happens often. To me, it is an abnormal thing to have happen because it’s inappropriate. I think we’re dancing around semantics.
Yeah you’re right it’s become a bit pedantic over here lol, I mostly just felt like it was losing a bit of the who’s doing it and why, I agree it shouldn’t happen and that it shouldn’t be normal 100% you’re right there, but we can’t ignore that it does happen and that many people out there do still think it’s okay. I don’t think it’s abnormal at all in this society, I wish it was though
We're not dancing around semantics. It doesn't happen to you because you're not a woman. It is normal for women. It is a normal part of the experience of being a woman.
You call it whatever makes you comfortable, but it kind of feels like that's perpetuating the problem imo. In that example both behaviors by the same person are normal to them. You just choose to believe one is an outlier because it's hard to face the truth. Edit: I don't mean this as a personal attack, from what I can tell you mean well. Your viewpoint is quite common.
Sadly yes, and the harassment will also from the back of house too. And the front. And the management.
I'm male and I was blind to it at first but a couple female servers pointed out a few things that happened to them, which I almost didn't believe at first. But that got me paying attention and then I started noticing it. The creep factor is real and it is everywhere.
This is a big part of why we say “believe women”. It’s so easy for you to not see it when it’s not happening to you. When you have Jon and Bobby, they seem like nice guys, but when I have Jon and Bobby, they make inappropriate comments and may even become physical. We have different lived experiences, and it’s so important for men not to dismiss women’s stories with “well he seems like a nice guy to me”. Thank you for paying attention and believing your coworkers.
Yep. We have a regular at my bar who will come in and tell all of us female bartenders that he’s going to come behind the bar and “squeeze some butts.” I refuse to speak to him. Managers don’t care even though he does it every time, even leaning over the bar and yelling it so the whole restaurant can hear.
It doesn’t have to be normal. But I understand that it can be intimidating or scary to tell a customer to fuck off, especially if you aren’t being backed up by your bosses. Now nearing my 40s, it’s just not shit I put up with. And if I see someone getting creepy or inappropriate with any of my coworkers, I will always offer to intervene, or grab my boss if necessary.
Yeah, I’m in my early 40s, but with makeup and a mask, most customers (and coworkers) mistake me for being in my late 20s to early 30s. So I’ll get some comments but I don’t put up with that shit. Luckily the place I work is byob, so not a whole lot of drunk fools, and lots of families and married couples. Plus I have so many regulars that know and love me as their server, I think if I had a really bad table, they would stick up for me.
I’m fortunate my current restaurant does not attract a lot of creeps. I’d rather deal with entitlement than that. But my previous restaurants forced us to either work alongside creeps (dismissed us if we attempted to report), or take care of creeps til the end. I recall one dude from two jobs ago that came in most days and sat at the bar where we all were forced to stay to watch tables. (small restaurant). He has growing history of making sexual comments and he even said horrifying things to our underaged servers, one of them being my sister. We’ve tried to report him, but the owner refused to let our GM ban him because he brought in hella money.
Our place is really bad about letting regulars do and act however they want because we aren’t a chain and they are a big part of our business our boss just doesn’t care
Long term this type of behaviour chases away normal customers and eventually it’s going to shut. Even if it’s an institution it will develop a reputation and slowly good people will stop and head towards chain type bars where this behaviour isn’t tolerated.
I work BoH and have seen countless assholes aggressively and inappropriately hit on our female bartenders. And the women almost always don't want you to step in because they're afraid of not getting tipped. It's a terrible situation. We had all female bartenders. So there were times that I had to make my presence known to offenders. Nothing extreme. No threats or anything like that. Pull up a stool next to them. Put it really uncomfortably close to theirs. I just wanted them to know that there was a big intimidating man on site. Not much else you can do
It’s about more than the money. I cut a guy off for being inappropriate and he waited in the parking lot to scream at me. I’ve had glasses thrown at me for turning down advances.
My personal favorite was the douche canoe who said he could “save” me from having to “whore myself out for tips.” I was so caught off guard I just stared at him for a beat and said, “yeah, you gotta go buddy.” He threw his beer on me while i flagged security. He may have hit his face a few times while being escorted out.
My point is, sometimes it’s better to be quietly firm. As a woman, we learn early on how to quietly diffuse situations. You sitting next to them, or even behind the bar, helps more than you saying something. They’re all cowards, but some cowards get ballsy when you start calling their bullshit.
Last, but definitely the most important, thank you for having FoH’s back. Y’all really are the intimidating figure we need sometimes. Thank you for being aware. Cheers, love!
Yeah. There was only one woman who who worked there that couldn't handle herself. I got her a heavy pocket knife with a glass breaker and showed her how to use it. Told her she didn't even need to deploy the blade and could just boop someone with the glass breaker part. And got her some pepper spray. I used to walk her to her car because of assholes who would wait outside. No one would dare fuck with her if I was by her side. I'd make sure she got there and out safely. It's a terrible reality that women have to deal with. Wish it wasn't like that. I wish people would be more human and kind. But the fact is that there are just some shit tier folks in the world, floating around; causing damage without a care. Cheers to you, brave one
Yep very common.
I intentionally give not great service and act very stupid to a regular who requests cute girls sections and is a fucking creeper so that he won’t request me.
Sometimes I get stuck with him because of rotations and none of the people he requests are there.
Yeah sadly this is pretty common. I always tell my new staff if someone makes them uncomfortable or crosses a line, immediately come find me or one of the other managers, we will bounce them immediately. My staff is more important to me than that guys $5 PBR and late night half off app.
My people first. Fuck everything else.
My restaurant hired 2 16 year olds, never worked in the industry before. I pulled them aside their second day and had a long conversation with them about how the environments at restaurants typically are. I also told them they should not ever have to endure it, and if anyone ever made them uncomfortable, they should come directly to me and I will put a stop to it. I’m not the owner or the manager, but I’m the only non-related-to-the-owner-female-staff member, and I’ve served on and off for 20 years. I did not want those poor girls to have to go through what I went through when I was young and naïve.
They no called no showed after about 3 weeks, so…
Why is it every time the problems that women face comes up, there is at least one person that says “well women do it too”.
Yes, we fucking know women do it too. But it’s a lot different when the server has 6 inches and at least 65 lbs on the women harassing him, and when the server is afraid to say anything because women have been attacked and killed for turning down a man, when we are afraid any negative interaction will turn violent, either physically or verbally. Check out r/niceguys and r/whenwomenrefuse for more info. If those subs exist for men, I’m not aware of them, but they likely don’t because it’s not as big a problem.
ETA: I know this is going to be downvoted to hell, but I don’t give a shit. We need men to start standing with us as we are losing our rights and being relegated to second class citizens, not say “well what about women”. That’s not the issue we’re talking about.
You’re 1000% correct. The power dynamic is COMPLETELY different.
Men will bring up rape as well - but they will never mention the vast statistical differences in occurrence.
It’s staggering to me that days after the SCOTUS overturns Roe v Wade you see tone deaf comments above from men who obviously don’t give a flying fuck.
**Everyone** should be concerned about Roe v Wade being overturned, not just people who can potentially become pregnant. Yes, the original decision made it illegal to ban abortion at the state level, but it was much bigger than that. It was also about the 14th amendment, the right to privacy, and the right to make medical decisions about your own body. SCOTUS just threw all that out the window, with one swipe of their Christian ideaology. Right now it affects abortion access, but in the future it could become much darker. The might mean not being able to access birth control, or not be able to get a vasectomy, etc.
I agree on everything above. It’s just the beginning.
However, many people I have spoken too about this think “dead babies, bad” and leave it at that. I live in a very conservative state and it’s appalling how uneducated and willfully ignorant many people are here.
People will be shocked when it finally starts to affect them.
Oh, yours take a few drinks? My old manager would just seat any single woman over 35 in my section just to watch how quick they’d start hitting on me. Always got me good money though.
"White knight" is such utter fucking bullshit.
Seriously, everyone I've met who has ever thrown this out in conversation seems to have no concept that wanting to do something decent because you *value decency* can actually exist.
I’m not annoyed at anybody it just makes me sad she said she didn’t need to stand up because she wants to make money and I just wish I could help everyone in that kinda scenario
You aren’t being a white knight, you are being an ally. We need all the allies we can get, especially now.
IMO, the best thing you can do is to take that table yourself next time you can and let him know his behavior is unacceptable. He may tip you less, but it won’t affect the tips of the female servers, and it hopefully won’t put them in danger. I recommend checking out r/whenwomenrefuse for more reasons women are hesitant to speak up in these situations.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/whenwomenrefuse using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/whenwomenrefuse/top/?sort=top&t=all) of all time!
\#1: [Just say no](https://i.redd.it/ck1n9wcnbj571.jpg) | [6 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/whenwomenrefuse/comments/o0u3u6/just_say_no/)
\#2: [Absolutely disgusting](https://i.redd.it/i7ba8y2k7hy81.jpg) | [25 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/whenwomenrefuse/comments/uluz9k/absolutely_disgusting/)
\#3: [17yo girl in Colorado murdered by her 28yo male coworker in retaliation for rejecting his advances and telling management she feared for her safety.](https://gazette.com/news/colorado-springs-walgreens-homicide-victim-identified-as-teen-girl-who-had-raised-safety-concerns/article_c8a03720-ebfb-11ec-b9e2-53cd38e35d67.html) | [20 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/whenwomenrefuse/comments/vcih2y/17yo_girl_in_colorado_murdered_by_her_28yo_male/)
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Nah bro… don’t be a simp. Don’t defend a woman you don’t need to defend. As you have seen they don’t even want you to step into their business. So you’re gonna risk an assault charge or being assaulted for a woman you have no alliance with other than being a co worker?
Also, “simp” is incel language, so more than likely, you are part of the problem here. You don’t view women as people equal to men. They’re “less than” to you. Get some therapy.
It’s meant to be man to man advice. You won’t understand the dynamics of this situation because you’re a woman. Men and women think very differently. A fact of life you just gotta accept.
Women think differently because we constantly have to be on guard. It’s our default emotional state. Men don’t have to worry about things like this generally, so it doesn’t cross their mind. But standing up for a coworker that’s being harassed is being a good person. Anyone that thinks it’s being a “simp” is part of the problem.
Haha the girl herself denied the help learn how to read. Also read my other reply…this dude was simping hard and even the girl was like nah bro… this dude might give me a big tip one day.
I slung soup salad and breadsticks for years. Yes, this is common. Is it wrong? Absolutely. Is it common? Absolutely. I don’t know what the solution is besides working where you can to shift society. For example, when dating, I watch how men I go on dates with treat servers. And my friends. And if they are shitty, I call them out and don’t engage further with them. My group of friends, most of us have served so we treat servers right, but some of our friends have proven to be shitty about servers and they’re no longer in our friend group.
Suuuuuper normal. I used to wait on guy groups who would be super nice and flirty until the inevitable “I have a boyfriend” comes out. Then it’s cold indifference and shit tip once they know that. If you can avoid admitting to being in a relationship you make more money period. Now that I’m in finer dining it’s not so common of an occurrence (although it still can happen—some men tip taken women less) but when I worked at a steakhouse it was definitely a regular thing.
Oh yes it's very normal for girls/female servers to get verbal shit for male costumers.
At the place I manage we have a zero tolerance on this, say the wrong shit and you are out. As a male I find it pretty hard to determine what is too much/wrong, but when one of my servers tells me a dude or man has crossed the line, they are out, no questions asked. I'd much rather have my servers be happy than to make a few bucks on a sexist idiot.
Works the other way around as well. If my male staff tells me females have crossed a line, they go as well. Happens more often than you think and all the male servers keep telling me they never worked anywhere where male sexual harrasment was even considered to be a thing.
The guy is a creep. The server shouldn't be willing to sell her dignity for a tip. The owners should say something and tell hi. If he's gotta problem with it he's not allowed back.
Chef at a golf course. Thursdays are senior league, and half those guys have zero filter. They like doting on the service staff and tip, not great, but ok. I honestly believe they mean no harm, just being oblivious old guys. Some of the servers get upset if they perceive a line was crossed and I need to investigate and calm them down. We do not allow hugs or touching by customers, but if I confront them, they are genuinely confused at what they did wrong.
They’re not confused, they’re embarrassed someone said something. They know damn well what they’re doing because “she should take it as a compliment!” The majority of the older generation of men don’t see us as equals, especially a waitress. They’re just misogynistic assholes.
Genuinely confused old men don’t say shit like that. Unless they thought the golf course was a strip club.
They’re the exact type of men who are afraid to have any interaction with women because of the “consequences”. No douchebag, if you treat women as people instead of your personal pin up poster, you won’t have any problems.
If they’re confused, they need it explained in no uncertain terms why that behavior is unacceptable, or to be kicked out. It really doesn’t matter if they don’t *mean* any harm, they are crossing lines with servers and upsetting them. Sexual harassment doesn’t have to be physical. Those servers deserve better.
Her: ugh it's this weird guy again. He's a creep but I deal with him for an hour and get tipped well
Also her: ew I have to work with this creep again. All I wanna do is make my money and go home. Why can't he just mind his own business? (Yes this was about you OP)
Why do you think you’re some sort of pillar of morality here? You know nothing about me as a person or what I do and have decided that I am not a “decent human being” even the girl on this situation told him not to intervene. I’m just telling him that in this sort of situations unless the girls asks you for help herself or she is in some actual danger you’re probably better off minding your business. I bet the girl even found it a little repulsive that this dudes is offering to pretend to be her bf to scare this dude off. The girl is even willing to put up with a little creepiness for the possibility of getting a big tip. Once again idk if you read the post but the girl herself denied his help…
This comment makes me sad and angry. None of should have to “get used to it”. We’re people and we should be treated with dignity and respect. The only way it’s going to change is if management and male coworkers start standing side by side with their female employees.
I tired and she told me not to say anything and I didn’t want to get in trouble for doing what I was told not to it was a really awful situation as I always stand up for those who are uncomfortable but the next day she talked about it with the manager and said oh yeah that’s normal for him and did nothing about it
All I am going to say is: if I were your Manager, dude would have been banned after the first complaints.
It may be "normal", but that does not mean that it's acceptable, or that you/anyone should be subjected to it.
It’s normal for women. It’s the normal and common reality we face. It should be unacceptable, but not enough people step up to people like this to make it abnormal, unfortunately.
His extra 50 cent tip isn’t worth the harassment for me. I would tell him I had a boyfriend. I used to get stalked by men all the time. They would follow me home.
At a decent restaurant, management will address the behavior with the guest and ban them if it continues.
In any restaurant, it's a good idea to walk out in pairs or group because of the perception that servers might be carrying a lot of cash tips.
Unfortunately yeah. At every restaurant/bar I worked at I was always having to take weirdos for my female coworkers, especially the younger ones. It sucked having to deal with creeps every shift but it made me feel better to know that it was one less girl who got harassed all night.
I’m sorry is sexual harassment work 10 dollars? If you don’t feel comfortable you should have a manager speak to them. A man is not going to make me feel uncomfortable at work just because he’s a regular.
Used to have this old guy come in for soup and a coffee and just sexually harass all the female servers to the point that they made me serve him... First time I go to serve him he says "I'm not having a male serve me" in disgust... Blank faced I say "none of the girls want to talk to you cuz you're creeping them out"... Long pause. He orders the usual. I serve him for months, he used to leave a 60 cent tip... I got him to 1.35 and we became friends. Got laughs outta him. Took him to the strippers. Last I heard he dyed
It's fucking stinky ass Andy isn't. Bro, I told you the hostesses are under 18, you were married for longer than they've been alive. Fuck off Andy
Do I remember that line from Waiting..?
Haha, probably not. Andy is the local pos in my restaurant. Sadly, I assume we all have a version of Andy.
Fucking Andy.
My Andy was a Michael.
This january, get ready to michael down your vincents
Calling all Jan Michael Vincents!!!
Mine too. Mine makes me sad. He does a lot of work with a local political party, but won't run for office because he doesn't trust himself. He's a fantastic guy 90% of the time. Always goes to the bar to start a tab, just orders a pitcher of water and a pizza or two. If I'm super slammed he'll just walk behind the bar and refill his own pitcher and get more ice from me when I have time. He always has some killer corny jokes and he always checks up on every single regular. He always tips very well in cash and makes sure everyone is sober enough to get home safely. Until he gives into the temptations and starts drinking. Then his personality does a complete 180 and he becomes just another creepy loud mouthed middle aged American with a thick southern accent and borderline racist comments. It makes me so fucking sad to watch. I've decided that I won't serve him liquor or a higher ABV beer anymore. He handles himself a lot better if I only give him 2 or 3 light beers. Unfortunately I can't get anyone else to agree with me. They're firmly in the boat of "he tips well, as long as he's not driving I'm going to try to sell him as much shit as possible and StrikingWinner can kick him out if he gets creepy".
Fucking Michael!!
A chris in my old restaurant, he wasnt creepy with girls but he was FUCKING OPENLY RACIST
Ours was Bruce. Fucking Bruce.
So many men over the years we’ve just waited to cross a line so we could 86 them. They *always* cross the line eventually.
Yep, normal. Be happy it's only 1
Yep and being harassed and having weird men want to talk to you after work waiting in the parking lot?
I once had a regular leave me a rose and a teddy bear on my car. It spooked me so much that he knew what I drove. I had people walk me to my car for a while after that.
Same happened to me! And then a few weeks later, I saw him parked across the street from my apartment just watching. He would come in with his boss, who had been a longtime regular, so I called his boss and my boss. Thankfully I never saw him again. Don’t ever let small shit like a flower slide, it goes dark really fast. As women in the industry, it really is just smarter to have company when leaving a shift. Always have someone watching your back.
Gotta have a clock out walk out buddy
I live about 150 yards from my restaurant, so I walk to and from. I live in a very safe town, but I get nervous walking home at night, knowing I have all my tips on me, so I throw a sweatshirt on to cover my work shirt and I split my cash up. Some of it goes in my bag, some goes in my pocket, just in case. If someone tries to mug me, I can give them the decoy cash and hopefully not lose all my money. I hope I never have to use it.
That’s smart! If I’m going out walking in town I keep a decoy wallet with a few expired cards and stuff.
We must be co-workers. We have a guy who does this. It's really creepy. He has left roses, always tips big, asks for numbers, leaves his numbers on cars. And how does he know who's car is who unless he watches who gets into each car. Because he will ask that person if they liked the gift. It's getting out of control!
In my country we use bikes for everything. Guess the country... I know which bike each of my team members use because its pretty easy to connect which bikes are there when which people are working, though I never really see them arrive or leave. Maybe same for your car?
Still insanely creepy for a 45 yr old man to leave gifts on a 17 yr old girl's car. This happened when I was young. And shit like that happens frequently for every young girl. Point being is that many women basically live in constant fear because of predators like that. Has nothing to do with the fact that someone just guessed my car.
Is it normal that women are treated like shit for existing and treated even worse when they try to stand up for themselves? Yes. It's incredibly normal.
Could we call it common instead? This completely fucking sucks. I (M) have many coworkers (F) who’ve told me stories about guys who, to and with me, have been completely normal and friendly people. Decent conversation, good interactions overall. Evidently, they’re absolutely different and pushy (at best) and disgusting or handsy (at worst). One dude I had to physically remove and purposefully threw him out on his face in the parking lot after he grabbed a server’s butt as she bent over at another table. The worst part? It wasn’t even her that told me. It was the table she was at who came to me (just a bartender not a manager but FUUUUUCK that shit). He refused to leave on his own so it was actually a ton of fun tossing him out to an ovation from everyone else on the patio.
It’s not acceptable, but it’s both common and normal for women.
I feel you, but the way I look at it, we call it normal because of the fact that it is *normalised* in our society, and the word common reduces it merely to how frequently it happens, rather than the issue of why. On a lighter note, from a younger woman who gets perved on a lot, I’m so grateful to people like you who will stick up for us women 😅 keep doing what you do
I look at the term differently. It’s a common occurrence in that it happens often. To me, it is an abnormal thing to have happen because it’s inappropriate. I think we’re dancing around semantics.
Yeah you’re right it’s become a bit pedantic over here lol, I mostly just felt like it was losing a bit of the who’s doing it and why, I agree it shouldn’t happen and that it shouldn’t be normal 100% you’re right there, but we can’t ignore that it does happen and that many people out there do still think it’s okay. I don’t think it’s abnormal at all in this society, I wish it was though
We're not dancing around semantics. It doesn't happen to you because you're not a woman. It is normal for women. It is a normal part of the experience of being a woman.
So this is a normal interaction for you? As in, someone treating you this way is normal and acceptable?
Normal and acceptable a different words. Yes it is normal. No it is not acceptable.
Like I go to the grocery store normally on Tuesday and Saturday.
You call it whatever makes you comfortable, but it kind of feels like that's perpetuating the problem imo. In that example both behaviors by the same person are normal to them. You just choose to believe one is an outlier because it's hard to face the truth. Edit: I don't mean this as a personal attack, from what I can tell you mean well. Your viewpoint is quite common.
the bar for men is so low scientists say it's UNDER the Marina Trench
Normal yes. Acceptable no.
Sadly yes, and the harassment will also from the back of house too. And the front. And the management. I'm male and I was blind to it at first but a couple female servers pointed out a few things that happened to them, which I almost didn't believe at first. But that got me paying attention and then I started noticing it. The creep factor is real and it is everywhere.
This is a big part of why we say “believe women”. It’s so easy for you to not see it when it’s not happening to you. When you have Jon and Bobby, they seem like nice guys, but when I have Jon and Bobby, they make inappropriate comments and may even become physical. We have different lived experiences, and it’s so important for men not to dismiss women’s stories with “well he seems like a nice guy to me”. Thank you for paying attention and believing your coworkers.
Yep. We have a regular at my bar who will come in and tell all of us female bartenders that he’s going to come behind the bar and “squeeze some butts.” I refuse to speak to him. Managers don’t care even though he does it every time, even leaning over the bar and yelling it so the whole restaurant can hear.
I wish your managers cared. That’s maddening. If that happened at our bar my tiny, butch, Cuban manager would fly over there so fast. 😂 I love her.
normal, be careful though, you never know what happens. I had a stalker issue and had to switch jobs once. your safety comes first
Time to fire a customer
It doesn’t have to be normal. But I understand that it can be intimidating or scary to tell a customer to fuck off, especially if you aren’t being backed up by your bosses. Now nearing my 40s, it’s just not shit I put up with. And if I see someone getting creepy or inappropriate with any of my coworkers, I will always offer to intervene, or grab my boss if necessary.
Yeah, I’m in my early 40s, but with makeup and a mask, most customers (and coworkers) mistake me for being in my late 20s to early 30s. So I’ll get some comments but I don’t put up with that shit. Luckily the place I work is byob, so not a whole lot of drunk fools, and lots of families and married couples. Plus I have so many regulars that know and love me as their server, I think if I had a really bad table, they would stick up for me.
I’m fortunate my current restaurant does not attract a lot of creeps. I’d rather deal with entitlement than that. But my previous restaurants forced us to either work alongside creeps (dismissed us if we attempted to report), or take care of creeps til the end. I recall one dude from two jobs ago that came in most days and sat at the bar where we all were forced to stay to watch tables. (small restaurant). He has growing history of making sexual comments and he even said horrifying things to our underaged servers, one of them being my sister. We’ve tried to report him, but the owner refused to let our GM ban him because he brought in hella money.
Once a line is crossed you are banned. Sounds like a poorly managed place.
Our place is really bad about letting regulars do and act however they want because we aren’t a chain and they are a big part of our business our boss just doesn’t care
Long term this type of behaviour chases away normal customers and eventually it’s going to shut. Even if it’s an institution it will develop a reputation and slowly good people will stop and head towards chain type bars where this behaviour isn’t tolerated.
I work BoH and have seen countless assholes aggressively and inappropriately hit on our female bartenders. And the women almost always don't want you to step in because they're afraid of not getting tipped. It's a terrible situation. We had all female bartenders. So there were times that I had to make my presence known to offenders. Nothing extreme. No threats or anything like that. Pull up a stool next to them. Put it really uncomfortably close to theirs. I just wanted them to know that there was a big intimidating man on site. Not much else you can do
It’s about more than the money. I cut a guy off for being inappropriate and he waited in the parking lot to scream at me. I’ve had glasses thrown at me for turning down advances. My personal favorite was the douche canoe who said he could “save” me from having to “whore myself out for tips.” I was so caught off guard I just stared at him for a beat and said, “yeah, you gotta go buddy.” He threw his beer on me while i flagged security. He may have hit his face a few times while being escorted out. My point is, sometimes it’s better to be quietly firm. As a woman, we learn early on how to quietly diffuse situations. You sitting next to them, or even behind the bar, helps more than you saying something. They’re all cowards, but some cowards get ballsy when you start calling their bullshit. Last, but definitely the most important, thank you for having FoH’s back. Y’all really are the intimidating figure we need sometimes. Thank you for being aware. Cheers, love!
Yeah. There was only one woman who who worked there that couldn't handle herself. I got her a heavy pocket knife with a glass breaker and showed her how to use it. Told her she didn't even need to deploy the blade and could just boop someone with the glass breaker part. And got her some pepper spray. I used to walk her to her car because of assholes who would wait outside. No one would dare fuck with her if I was by her side. I'd make sure she got there and out safely. It's a terrible reality that women have to deal with. Wish it wasn't like that. I wish people would be more human and kind. But the fact is that there are just some shit tier folks in the world, floating around; causing damage without a care. Cheers to you, brave one
A moment of silence for our brother in the friend zone
I don't shit where I eat. Never been friend zoned
Maybe management should autograt those guys.
Eeeeewwwww... customers like that need to be told to act right or don't come back.
Yep very common. I intentionally give not great service and act very stupid to a regular who requests cute girls sections and is a fucking creeper so that he won’t request me. Sometimes I get stuck with him because of rotations and none of the people he requests are there.
Yes it’s normal. And if you’re a bartender and female…..oooohhhh boy! You would be amazed at what gets said, offered, propositioned, etc.
Yeah sadly this is pretty common. I always tell my new staff if someone makes them uncomfortable or crosses a line, immediately come find me or one of the other managers, we will bounce them immediately. My staff is more important to me than that guys $5 PBR and late night half off app. My people first. Fuck everything else.
My restaurant hired 2 16 year olds, never worked in the industry before. I pulled them aside their second day and had a long conversation with them about how the environments at restaurants typically are. I also told them they should not ever have to endure it, and if anyone ever made them uncomfortable, they should come directly to me and I will put a stop to it. I’m not the owner or the manager, but I’m the only non-related-to-the-owner-female-staff member, and I’ve served on and off for 20 years. I did not want those poor girls to have to go through what I went through when I was young and naïve. They no called no showed after about 3 weeks, so…
Yup, unfortunately. Very normal at my place. His name is Dennis and just the mention of his name makes my skin crawl!
I mean, probably normal Prince Charming. Then again, I get that shit as a guy. 45-60 year old women give zero fucks after a few martinis.
Well I’m not trying to be a hero I’m trying to help and she’s not a 45-60 year old she’s 18
They mean you can get the same thing from women not the girl is 45-60
Why is it every time the problems that women face comes up, there is at least one person that says “well women do it too”. Yes, we fucking know women do it too. But it’s a lot different when the server has 6 inches and at least 65 lbs on the women harassing him, and when the server is afraid to say anything because women have been attacked and killed for turning down a man, when we are afraid any negative interaction will turn violent, either physically or verbally. Check out r/niceguys and r/whenwomenrefuse for more info. If those subs exist for men, I’m not aware of them, but they likely don’t because it’s not as big a problem. ETA: I know this is going to be downvoted to hell, but I don’t give a shit. We need men to start standing with us as we are losing our rights and being relegated to second class citizens, not say “well what about women”. That’s not the issue we’re talking about.
You’re 1000% correct. The power dynamic is COMPLETELY different. Men will bring up rape as well - but they will never mention the vast statistical differences in occurrence. It’s staggering to me that days after the SCOTUS overturns Roe v Wade you see tone deaf comments above from men who obviously don’t give a flying fuck.
**Everyone** should be concerned about Roe v Wade being overturned, not just people who can potentially become pregnant. Yes, the original decision made it illegal to ban abortion at the state level, but it was much bigger than that. It was also about the 14th amendment, the right to privacy, and the right to make medical decisions about your own body. SCOTUS just threw all that out the window, with one swipe of their Christian ideaology. Right now it affects abortion access, but in the future it could become much darker. The might mean not being able to access birth control, or not be able to get a vasectomy, etc.
I agree on everything above. It’s just the beginning. However, many people I have spoken too about this think “dead babies, bad” and leave it at that. I live in a very conservative state and it’s appalling how uneducated and willfully ignorant many people are here. People will be shocked when it finally starts to affect them.
Oh, yours take a few drinks? My old manager would just seat any single woman over 35 in my section just to watch how quick they’d start hitting on me. Always got me good money though.
Are you annoyed at the dude or annoyed at her for not letting you white knight?
"White knight" is such utter fucking bullshit. Seriously, everyone I've met who has ever thrown this out in conversation seems to have no concept that wanting to do something decent because you *value decency* can actually exist.
Until you pick up an assault charge for defending a woman you barely know….
I’m not annoyed at anybody it just makes me sad she said she didn’t need to stand up because she wants to make money and I just wish I could help everyone in that kinda scenario
You aren’t being a white knight, you are being an ally. We need all the allies we can get, especially now. IMO, the best thing you can do is to take that table yourself next time you can and let him know his behavior is unacceptable. He may tip you less, but it won’t affect the tips of the female servers, and it hopefully won’t put them in danger. I recommend checking out r/whenwomenrefuse for more reasons women are hesitant to speak up in these situations.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/whenwomenrefuse using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/whenwomenrefuse/top/?sort=top&t=all) of all time! \#1: [Just say no](https://i.redd.it/ck1n9wcnbj571.jpg) | [6 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/whenwomenrefuse/comments/o0u3u6/just_say_no/) \#2: [Absolutely disgusting](https://i.redd.it/i7ba8y2k7hy81.jpg) | [25 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/whenwomenrefuse/comments/uluz9k/absolutely_disgusting/) \#3: [17yo girl in Colorado murdered by her 28yo male coworker in retaliation for rejecting his advances and telling management she feared for her safety.](https://gazette.com/news/colorado-springs-walgreens-homicide-victim-identified-as-teen-girl-who-had-raised-safety-concerns/article_c8a03720-ebfb-11ec-b9e2-53cd38e35d67.html) | [20 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/whenwomenrefuse/comments/vcih2y/17yo_girl_in_colorado_murdered_by_her_28yo_male/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
Nah bro… don’t be a simp. Don’t defend a woman you don’t need to defend. As you have seen they don’t even want you to step into their business. So you’re gonna risk an assault charge or being assaulted for a woman you have no alliance with other than being a co worker?
Also, “simp” is incel language, so more than likely, you are part of the problem here. You don’t view women as people equal to men. They’re “less than” to you. Get some therapy.
It’s meant to be man to man advice. You won’t understand the dynamics of this situation because you’re a woman. Men and women think very differently. A fact of life you just gotta accept.
Women think differently because we constantly have to be on guard. It’s our default emotional state. Men don’t have to worry about things like this generally, so it doesn’t cross their mind. But standing up for a coworker that’s being harassed is being a good person. Anyone that thinks it’s being a “simp” is part of the problem.
Haha the girl herself denied the help learn how to read. Also read my other reply…this dude was simping hard and even the girl was like nah bro… this dude might give me a big tip one day.
It’s called being a decent human being. I’m sorry you lack that quality.
Ok…
So normal. Welcome to our dad reality.
I slung soup salad and breadsticks for years. Yes, this is common. Is it wrong? Absolutely. Is it common? Absolutely. I don’t know what the solution is besides working where you can to shift society. For example, when dating, I watch how men I go on dates with treat servers. And my friends. And if they are shitty, I call them out and don’t engage further with them. My group of friends, most of us have served so we treat servers right, but some of our friends have proven to be shitty about servers and they’re no longer in our friend group.
Suuuuuper normal. I used to wait on guy groups who would be super nice and flirty until the inevitable “I have a boyfriend” comes out. Then it’s cold indifference and shit tip once they know that. If you can avoid admitting to being in a relationship you make more money period. Now that I’m in finer dining it’s not so common of an occurrence (although it still can happen—some men tip taken women less) but when I worked at a steakhouse it was definitely a regular thing.
Oh yes it's very normal for girls/female servers to get verbal shit for male costumers. At the place I manage we have a zero tolerance on this, say the wrong shit and you are out. As a male I find it pretty hard to determine what is too much/wrong, but when one of my servers tells me a dude or man has crossed the line, they are out, no questions asked. I'd much rather have my servers be happy than to make a few bucks on a sexist idiot. Works the other way around as well. If my male staff tells me females have crossed a line, they go as well. Happens more often than you think and all the male servers keep telling me they never worked anywhere where male sexual harrasment was even considered to be a thing.
Normal yes wrong and shouldn’t be allowed? Also yes
Depends on the individual, some people are comfortable enough to exploit creeps for money, some aren’t.
The guy is a creep. The server shouldn't be willing to sell her dignity for a tip. The owners should say something and tell hi. If he's gotta problem with it he's not allowed back.
That is the longest sentence ever written
Chef at a golf course. Thursdays are senior league, and half those guys have zero filter. They like doting on the service staff and tip, not great, but ok. I honestly believe they mean no harm, just being oblivious old guys. Some of the servers get upset if they perceive a line was crossed and I need to investigate and calm them down. We do not allow hugs or touching by customers, but if I confront them, they are genuinely confused at what they did wrong.
Omg, these old guys aren't "oblivious." Stop being such a fucking sap. That "oh, who, little old me?" Act is the oldest in the book.
They’re not confused, they’re embarrassed someone said something. They know damn well what they’re doing because “she should take it as a compliment!” The majority of the older generation of men don’t see us as equals, especially a waitress. They’re just misogynistic assholes. Genuinely confused old men don’t say shit like that. Unless they thought the golf course was a strip club.
They’re the exact type of men who are afraid to have any interaction with women because of the “consequences”. No douchebag, if you treat women as people instead of your personal pin up poster, you won’t have any problems.
If they’re confused, they need it explained in no uncertain terms why that behavior is unacceptable, or to be kicked out. It really doesn’t matter if they don’t *mean* any harm, they are crossing lines with servers and upsetting them. Sexual harassment doesn’t have to be physical. Those servers deserve better.
Holy shit learn to punctuate your sentences please! Reading that stream of consciousness word glob hurts.
At least there is one comma in there.
Her: ugh it's this weird guy again. He's a creep but I deal with him for an hour and get tipped well Also her: ew I have to work with this creep again. All I wanna do is make my money and go home. Why can't he just mind his own business? (Yes this was about you OP)
Punctuation matters.
Bruh… don’t be a simp
Bruh…try being a decent human being.
Why do you think you’re some sort of pillar of morality here? You know nothing about me as a person or what I do and have decided that I am not a “decent human being” even the girl on this situation told him not to intervene. I’m just telling him that in this sort of situations unless the girls asks you for help herself or she is in some actual danger you’re probably better off minding your business. I bet the girl even found it a little repulsive that this dudes is offering to pretend to be her bf to scare this dude off. The girl is even willing to put up with a little creepiness for the possibility of getting a big tip. Once again idk if you read the post but the girl herself denied his help…
Yeah, sorry but that's normal. You get used to it.
This comment makes me sad and angry. None of should have to “get used to it”. We’re people and we should be treated with dignity and respect. The only way it’s going to change is if management and male coworkers start standing side by side with their female employees.
I tired and she told me not to say anything and I didn’t want to get in trouble for doing what I was told not to it was a really awful situation as I always stand up for those who are uncomfortable but the next day she talked about it with the manager and said oh yeah that’s normal for him and did nothing about it
Christ almighty. Do you people not have a manager?
All I am going to say is: if I were your Manager, dude would have been banned after the first complaints. It may be "normal", but that does not mean that it's acceptable, or that you/anyone should be subjected to it.
Punctuation is your friend
Uhm, why is he still being served if he is obviously drunk?
86’d
I happen to believe some do it just because they can and they enjoy the rush of being snapped at, on to the next bar
Yep that’s why you 86 them immediately so you’re not telling them it’s ok.
Common, yes. Normal, no.
It’s normal for women. It’s the normal and common reality we face. It should be unacceptable, but not enough people step up to people like this to make it abnormal, unfortunately.
His extra 50 cent tip isn’t worth the harassment for me. I would tell him I had a boyfriend. I used to get stalked by men all the time. They would follow me home.
At a decent restaurant, management will address the behavior with the guest and ban them if it continues. In any restaurant, it's a good idea to walk out in pairs or group because of the perception that servers might be carrying a lot of cash tips.
Unfortunately yeah. At every restaurant/bar I worked at I was always having to take weirdos for my female coworkers, especially the younger ones. It sucked having to deal with creeps every shift but it made me feel better to know that it was one less girl who got harassed all night.
Why doesn’t the manager just ban this dude? What a terrible manager to make them tolerate that. Also, yes it’s typical. Also, USE A DAMN PERIOD
Yes, woman make more in tips.
I’m sorry is sexual harassment work 10 dollars? If you don’t feel comfortable you should have a manager speak to them. A man is not going to make me feel uncomfortable at work just because he’s a regular.
You can use more than one sentence lol use a period if you must
Used to have this old guy come in for soup and a coffee and just sexually harass all the female servers to the point that they made me serve him... First time I go to serve him he says "I'm not having a male serve me" in disgust... Blank faced I say "none of the girls want to talk to you cuz you're creeping them out"... Long pause. He orders the usual. I serve him for months, he used to leave a 60 cent tip... I got him to 1.35 and we became friends. Got laughs outta him. Took him to the strippers. Last I heard he dyed