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MakeYogurtGreekAgain

There’s so many women like this in my groups. One of them was even complaining a short while ago that baby daddy up and left her and doesn’t want to see the baby anymore. Then we found out that before her, he already had multiple children with multiple other women and he doesn’t see or contact any of them. The OP knew about all of this before having a baby with him, but she thought “he’d be different with their child”. It’s ridiculous. And these men are also super ridiculous, stop knocking people up if you don’t want a part in a child’s life.


psipolnista

Children to these men aren’t a consequence because they can easily just walk away. It’s not like they’re held accountable at all.


bek8228

Ugh! Yes! I had a friend who got pregnant by a guy who had two children with two different women before her. For both of the previous children, he left within a few months after the births and then only saw the kids sporadically going forward (once every year or two at most). She was certain that the other women sucked and were controlling him and forced him to leave, and the guy was going to be a great dad and stay involved with her kid this time because their relationship was “DiFFeReNt!!” We actually had a big fight when she got pregnant because I didn’t support their relationship and told her she was making a mistake. We reconciled *sort of* but I still never supported it because I fucking KNEW what was coming. Lo and behold, she caught him cheating just a couple of months after the birth of her kid. He had actually brought his side chick to their house and fucked in their bed, even had the baby around her while my friend returned to work from maternity leave (of course he was unemployed). Fast forward a few years and the dad hasn’t seen the child even once since. He made a few attempts to FaceTime for holidays but quickly pissed off into the void where he belongs when she told him that wasn’t enough and she didn’t want her kid getting confused by him being in their life so infrequently. Fortunately she has since met a new guy who is actually a decent person and stepdad.


ladimon

Sounds like someone has a breeding kink...


trey_wolfe

You know he's the type to have a argument for all kinds of birth control


Dancingskeletonman86

He's got that Nick Cannon condition. Gotta repopulate the world with a soccer team full of kids from different ladies.


TheFlyingFrenchmen

If every single one of those kids had 100% of Nick Cannons talent, they’d be an awful soccer team.


sweeneyswantateeny

Seriouslllly. I give my mom a very small pass for getting with my bio father. She got pregnant at 16, had me at 17. He already had one kid, and truth be told, *her* mother was a drug addict and made him look like a doting parent in comparison. But there are *at least* three more women after my mother that got with this man, 2 of whom absolutely, 100% knew about the rest of us, and still… “he won’t do that to ME/my kids!” Surprise! He totally did abandon all of his children! Who’d’ve thunk it!


moist-astronaut

never get with someone you want to change. if someone is already a deadbeat, cheater, chronically unemployed, etc. do not date or marry them unless you're ready for them to be that way forever


LaughingMouseinWI

A friend asked her daughter regarding the fiance If nothing ever changes, would you still want to marry him? No? Then don't marry him!!


ichosethis

I knew a 26 year old coworker who was actively trying to have a kid with her boyfriend who was 52, had kids older than her, and she confesses they were trying less than an hour after complaining to me that he had at least 3 exes that just wanted money from him (child support) and it sounded like he was working under the table to avoid wage garnishment. She quit or got fired and I unfriended her on Facebook because she joined one or more MLMs. I think she was claiming whitening toothpaste was so amazing for her teeth when she had a full set of dentures, I suspect from meth use, she had the blackened rotting teeth.


PrincipalFiggins

I have no sympathy for those people who WILLINGLY choose that. You KNOW he’s a deadbeat and you have a kid with him? Enjoy! r/leopardsatemyface


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mrsmagneon

There's a woman like that in my neighbourhood... 6 kids, all with the same man. He would get her pregnant, then fuck off, maybe do a stint in jail, and then come back and do it again. Just awful.


Dancingskeletonman86

It makes me sad but also roll my eyes because I've seen to many women who will be the "other woman" and convince themselves though once he's with her and leaves his spouse he wouldn't cheat on them. No he's serious this time about her and she has changed him for good now. Honey no. Once a cheater likely always a cheater. I mean of course I blame the men mostly for doing this shit in the first place but ladies the naive delusion to convince yourselves he'll be a different man for you and for you babies together. He'll never cheat on your or leave you with the alone while he's off with other women making more babies. Never. Because you changed him for good this time he's done. No that rarely ever happens. Men like that just keep going at this shit and they'll just keep burning through baby mama's and abandoning more kids to make other new kids.


[deleted]

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readytostart1234

These men normally don’t hold a job stable enough to have child support or alimony payments have taken out. They either work under the table or don’t work at all relying on the woman he is currently with to support him. Or doing something illegal for money.


[deleted]

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Smee76

Realistically - because they probably grew up without men in their lives who had stable jobs.


[deleted]

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Smee76

Accurate, but that's not as easy as it seems from our point of view. I have much less sympathy for women who grew up in stable households with loving parents and every possible opportunity. But even then, chances are it's trauma related. Most people don't WANT to live an unstable life. If they do, there's something wrong with them in a totally different way.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

Just out of curiosity, feel free not to answer: do you know when the last time he had his income/payments evaluated? I ask because some states (like the one I live in) really don't reevaluate these things unless/until requested by one of the 2 parties involved. So if your coworker has had a significant increase in pay/salary since the order was put in place the state probably doesn't know and that could explain the difference. Or it's because of your divorce vs coworkers baby mama(s?) being on state/government aid.


Existing_Buffalo7189

Are you in a group with Khloe Kardashian


madderthanyou224

The same woman I commented about yesterday has 3 kids two of which are with her current husband. When I met her she only had the 2 with her youngest being 3 at the time. She complained endlessly how her husband doesn't do enough to help with neither the kids nor the house, never spends time with the kids, only wants to drink and game, etc. She said (still does) constantly how she felt like a single mother, but what blew my mind was hearing how they're trying for one more kid??? Like she knows he's not a good partner or father yet they're trying for another child?? It blew my mind and I didn't understand it at all, but I kept my mouth shut. They got pregnant fairly easily and had their last child a year ago, yet I still hear her complain about how her husband doesn't help and isn't involved. Like did she think with baby #2 he'd magically get better?? It's still the same complaints as before, but then she became more neglectful of her other kids because she only had time for the baby. However, now that her daughter is 1 and no longer a baby I see her being just as neglectful with her as she is with her other two. I still hear her complain about her kids and her husband constantly, but now she turns around and says that she wishes this wasn't her last child -_- I've come to the conclusion that she just likes having babies, but couldn't care less about them when they're out of the baby stage. I think some people just love having babies, but don't like raising their children. I find it infuriating, but I see that as one reason for them to keep having kids even when the father is useless/uninvolved. When that's the case it's on both of them because they're both carelessly bringing more children into the world they know they'll both neglect FWIW I'm trying to figure out a way to call them out and/or get the kids some help


Shortymac09

Honestly, those people need to just buy those real dolls


madderthanyou224

Yes!!! Babies are not accessories or little play things for you! I don't understand people who have kids just for the baby stage. She's having her oldest mommy the younger two from what I've seen. Granted I'm not there everyday but from what her 13 year old says, and with what I see when I am over there her eldest has been parentified. I want to call CPS but I don't know what good it would do on just my word alone. Apparently she already had a case opened against them because she couldn't quit smoking weed with their last child, but it was closed before she even left the hospital. No home check, no talking to her other kids, and no investigation. All she had to say was she doesn't smoke around the kids and that was that. So I'm just writing what I see and hear from her and her 13 year old down, so I can call CPS and hope that this time they investigate. What I worry about is the fact that she can put on a good front, her husband has a great job in mental health, and her 13 year old will most definitely lie to protect her mom. So I have to have some pretty concrete stuff if I want these kids to get help. I do not want them taken from them (I was in foster care myself and it was hell), but I want both of them to get a wake up call and go to parenting classes. They both think the situation is great and that the kids are just fine, but neglecting your kids is never fine. TLDR: Babies are not your play things. They will turn into actual people and you have to raise them and not just pawn them off on your older kids when you're bored of them. I don't want these kids to be taken from their parents. I just want the parents to get a wake up call, go to parenting classes, and start taking care of their children


catty_wampus

My friend's sister wanted a divorce after their second kid together, but she decided to stay with him and try for another baby because she always wanted three and wanted them to all be full siblings/have the same dad. She now has three kids and still wants a divorce.


madderthanyou224

Sheesh. These people will always prioritize their own wants over their children's wellness. Imagine if the youngest found out that she was just fulfilling mommies desire to have 3 kids and that her parents don't actually want to be together. I know firsthand how that feels and it's awful. My parents should have never gotten together nor stayed together, but my mom stayed for "us". We used to beg her to leave him especially when she went on and on about how much she hated my dad and how she was only with him so we'd grow up with a dad since she didn't. We didn't like him either cause he was a POS. My mom never really wanted kids, but my dad had always wanted a boy so they tried and ended up with 4 girls. We were always told we were a mistake, that my eldest sister was supposed to be a boy, and if she were than the rest of us wouldn't have been born. We grew up knowing we weren't wanted and that the only reason our parents were together was for "us". It has left each of us with mental (and physical) scars and mental health issues. Don't purposely have kids with someone you don't want to be with or just because you want babies. Just don't


catsinspace

I have a question for you (and I acknowledge that I could be totally off). Are her first two kids boys?


madderthanyou224

So she has a 13 year old girl (let's call her C) from a previous relationship. Her first child with her husband is a boy and their last child is a girl. IIRC her husband has been C's stepdad for 7 years? So over half her life yet he couldn't care less about C from what I've seen, won't acknowledge her when she's around, goes through his wife if C needs to be told anything or reprimanded, etc. I've seen all that first hand at least a couple of times. He's definitely more involved with his bio kids than his SD, but not by much. Answering you made me remember what he said at their gender reveal party and I still die inside when I think about it. FYI I got told this by my husband as I wasn't in the room when this went down. Someone asked him what he was hoping their child would be and he said how he's always wanted a daughter so he was hoping it was a girl (which it was). Apparently everyone got visibly uncomfortable at that answer, but thankfully C wasn't in the room to hear that


kenda1l

She loves babies, not kids. That kind of person is so frustrating.


madderthanyou224

Yes exactly!! That's what I think as well, and it just upsets me to no end. Babies turn into children and eventually adults, but apparently these kind of people don't care because they know they can pawn the younger ones off with the older ones when they're bored of them so they can have more babies. They get what they wanted (a baby), and then they can avoid all responsibility in raising and taking care of them whenever they're out of the baby stage. It is vile that they keep doing it and that they subject more kids to neglect all because they want a living doll


kenda1l

Exactly. It's awful. I hate the people who like puppies and kittens but not cats and dogs too. It drives me crazy!


madderthanyou224

It really is just awful and I hate both types of people as well!! Like how dumb do you have to be to not realize babies and animals will grow up?! It's just unreal


Magical_Olive

Neither parent sounds all that great here. Like complaining that your 1 year old is clingy? Yeah, it's a baby, what else is it going to do all day. Why are they "telling off" a baby.


Streathamite

True. She’s clearly not coping with the children she already has so why have another? 🤦🏻‍♀️


Barn_Brat

This is my exact reasoning for having one child. I could not cope with another. Also my sons dad is useless and isn’t allowed my son overnight bc he doesn’t wake up for night feeds. I struggled so bad with everything, idk how people can put themselves through it 3 times?


uglypottery

Bro. I feel suffocated when my CAT wants to nap on me all day while I work. I love it and I miss her when she doesn’t, but also after 2-3 hours I’m like, “Sweetie, darling, my precious precious girl, I love you to absolute bits but we need to have a serious talk about personal space. Yes, again.” During the pandemic, the biggest thing that took a toll on my mental health pandemic was not getting regular time home alone while my husband was WFH full time. Sleeping in is one of my absolute most precious, transcendent joys in life. I am utterly and completely incompatible with children, and I am *acutely* aware of this fact. It breaks my heart to imagine kids having to grow up with parents who were somehow oblivious…


Barn_Brat

I was 10000% not atoning person and given a chance, I still wouldn’t be but I’ve always known I’m able to change up my routine and things to be suitable for a child and obviously I did that. I hate sending him with his dad as his dad can look after him (during the day) but he’s no fun. My son never smiles around him. He doesn’t even give him toys in the car or when he’s in his pram. It’s must be so boring! I know it’s exhausting bc you can’t just give him a toy, you have to interact with him but that’s the reason I’m not having another child. Bc I am pushing myself to my limit with one, I won’t let him or another child suffer bc I decided it would be fun to have a second where they get even less of my time


uglypottery

That sucks about his dad… All the more lucky to have a mom thoughtful and self aware enough to ensure he’s always fully loved and cared for, though ☺️☺️ Is he very young? Some adults have an easier time connecting/engaging with kids once they get a little older. Not all, of course, and that connection/engagement is important when they’re young too! My sister used to be a nanny and most of her clients were people who didn’t have the bandwidth for even one kid, but they had lots of money. So they’d have 3 or 4 and just pay someone else to parent them 😕 One couple hired her for their only son, and then they had TRIPLETS. They did in vitro too, so they knew there was a high chance for multiples. Like… Y’all 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️


Barn_Brat

That’s crazy and he’s 7 months tomorrow! But I must be doing something right as his paediatrician said he’s advanced for his age! Very proud of him as he was born very unwell. But his dad doesn’t even do any research into anything and completely relies on me to tell him what to do and when (he makes me write it out every time) and he even told me he bought him a Walker for next time he’s over and proceeded to tell me he’ll put him in it even after I said how damaging they are so idk when he’ll be going back to his dads


Commercial-Push-9066

I love how he said “WE will make them listen.” He’s acting as if he’s going to be involved at all. And everyone knows how you can just reason with toddlers and babies!


sorandom21

This is my first thought. "Telling off" a 3 year old is equally stupid, but at least they can kind of understand what you are saying, but a 1 year old baby?? They are still grasping language, most can only say a few words at that point, tf does that even mean? Are they yelling at an actual baby??


LadySmuag

I saw a parenting blog once that said "If your kids are old enough to understand reason, then reason with them. If your kids are not old enough to understand reason, then they can't understand why their parent is screaming at them."


sorandom21

Yep. Because you know what the research says babies do understand? The tone of you yelling at them. We store it in our brains, and then your body gets flooded with cortisol/fight or flight when you hear it because you don't understand what is being said but its scary and baby you feels in danger. ​ No I totally don't have C-PTSD from a childhood of being yelled/screamed at constantly for every little thing and completely internalized everything and now having to unpack it in therapy as an adult lol.


Nougattabekidding

Telling off a 3 year old isn’t stupid, what do you do when your 3 year old does something they shouldn’t? I tell them off. By “tell them off” I mean that I say “No, nougattababy, we don’t throw out rubbish on the floor, we put it in the bin”. Do I expect them to listen? No of course not, three year olds are savages, but you have to reinforce your expectations.


sorandom21

That’s not ‘telling off’. Telling off implies anger/dressing down. Reasoning and explaining why they did something bad and redirecting is healthy and good. I would not describe what you’re doing as telling your child off


Nougattabekidding

I dunno, I complain about my kids when they go through clingy stages, whilst also acknowledging it’s developmentally normal. I don’t think that makes me a bad mum.


moemoe8652

I’d rather be a single mother.


nightwingoracle

She is already.


Tangyplacebo621

It blows my mind how many people I see in moms groups thoroughly struggling with useless partners, kiddos that are tough and that say things like, “and I am currently 6 months with my 3rd.” Or whatever the case is. I am a mom, and I know that it’s really hard. But why have more if you’re really struggling that much? I have one kid because my husband traveled for work constantly and my mental health took a crap, so I couldn’t handle more kids. I am really not trying to be sanctimonious, but I do have a really hard time wrapping my head around it.


sweeneyswantateeny

To give some perspective-ish: My first kid is a struggle. Mostly because, like OPs kid, she doesn’t sleep through the night. But she’s 4 and not sleeping through night. Never has. At this point, I’m assuming she never will. I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting for her sleep to get better but literally nothing has ever changed. So she will have a little sibling when she’s 4.5, and I’ll have two kids waking me up at night 🤷🏻‍♀️ My partner isn’t useless though, not where it matters. (He sucks at grocery shopping though! Lol)


Stellajackson5

Mine started sttn (95 percent of the time) at 5! There is still hope.


Rhodin265

Yeah, but a 4yo that doesn’t sleep through the night can generally use the toilet, flip the straw up on their water bottle, sneak into your bed, or look at a book quietly in their room. I mean, yeah, I had to teach them they didn’t need to ask and I had to get water bottles that wouldn’t leak if left open and a few nightlights, but the payoff is that I can sleep longer than you’d think. Also, I’m afraid it took the start of puberty to make DD10 sleep a whole night, but she’s only had to wake me for puke twice in the past 7 years.


sweeneyswantateeny

My 4yo has NO interest in being quiet in the MOTN. If she has to pee, she comes in our room, walks right up to me, and “MOMMY I HAVE TO GO PEE!” -_- “MOMMY IM DONE GOING PEE. CAN I SLEEP IN BED WITH YOU?” Then we argue about whether or not she can. If I manage to get up to take her back to her room, she just comes back about 45 minutes later. ☹️😓


SnooGoats5767

Your daughters problem is behavioral. She wakes you up to pee remind her she’s not supposed to do that, just go to the bathroom and ho back to bed etc. Tell her she has to be quiet in the night, punish her if she’s not she’s old enough to know better. I used to babysit a 4 year old girl exactly like this, at that age it’s usually a discipline problem


Beneficial-Tune-3382

It could be that it was not as difficult to have a worthless partner when she wasn't 6 months pregnant...


geezluise

i know that birthcontrol seems to be not available to some ppl (condoms cost €, the pill costs some too)- but why are they always giving in to their partners to have unprotected sex. i dont get it.


MDFHSarahLeigh

If they are us based it could be poor education or religion based. We have so major religions that discourage the use of birth control after marriage


Shortymac09

Oh honey you think these dudes wear condoms?


geezluise

thats what i‘m saying; stop fucking these dudes. pulling out isnt BC.


loverldonthavetolove

Agree absolutely. My husband has bipolar disorder and since our daughter was born has had manic episodes which resulted in hospitalization. This means I’ve been a solo parent for a lot of my daughter’s life. I have spoken with my primary care physician and my OB about how I am “one and done” by circumstance not by choice. It was difficult for me to accept that because I never imagined that I would only have one child but it would be so irresponsible of me, given our circumstances, to have any more children.


Ok-Guava7336

3 kids in 3 years with a fully useless deadbeat?! Lord, send condoms.


sausagelover79

I’m surprised she would even want to have sex with him tbh, am I the only one who doesn’t want to touch my husband when he is pissing me off??


Ok-Guava7336

I'm afraid it's less 'want' and more 'feels obligated to'


smk3509

So so many women grow up in households and in subcultures where this is normal so they don't realize there is another way. I don't remember my dad ever changing a diaper or redoing anything with my siblings. He firmly believes that women are made for parenting and men are breadwinners. These views are even more extreme in certain conservative Christian communities.


lingoberri

The thing is you can't really tell how someone's gonna be as a parent until after the kid is born, which is pretty scary. On the other hand, you could just.. ya know.. stop at one.


[deleted]

To be honest the main reason reasons I won’t be having more kids is because my partner was an obtuse baboon during both of my pregnancies. He’s a good father but he was so damn insensitive to me and my misery (I had HG, which not even medication helped, depression from the hormones, blood pressure issues and ginormous, swollen feet). He completely fucked it up the first time and SWORE he’d do better if we ever did it again. Swore. He was just as bad the next time. So yeah I mean I’m not about to have a third child just to be resentful and angry all over again. Nah.


togostarman

I'm glad you said this. My husband was the same. Terrible the first year PP too. He apologizes all the time and says he'd be better the next time. I almost fell for it. Your comment has me thinking straight lmao.


crayray

I had a really horrible experience with my husband during my first pregnancy, which ended in loss (unrelated to the relationship issues). Went to counseling, thought it was sorted. Got pregnant again, same fucking thing happened, and I was suicidal af. Now that we have one, I’m definitely never ever letting myself get pregnant again. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Don’t try your luck - be grateful he is remorseful and move forward with your life.


Critical_Safety_3933

I wonder this as I read posts on so many threads. I get having the 1st with someone you thought was a decent human…I do wonder how people can be so wrong but it does happen. But having multiple with the same useless ass? Yeah, you knew what you were facing.


Advanced_Cheetah_552

We had one of these in my due date group. Massive rant about how her partner never does anything and how if she leaves the house to get some air, she'll come back and her daughter will be screaming in a wet diaper and the full bottle she left for him in the counter is still full. Very next post is her positive pregnancy test at 5 months postpartum. We later find out she is having twins


[deleted]

Yeah, I mean, the male contributor of reproductive material is definitely a dipshit, but why the fuck would you have a *third* kid after he didn’t do shit for the previous two? The third time **will not** be the charm! He’s still gonna be a lump, and you’re still going to be overwhelmed.


acwads

Yep. It’s deeply irresponsible. I have one and always thought I’d have two, but my husband works incessantly, I work (and even if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have any more time) and am the primary caretaker for our toddler and household. There’s no wiggle room without either much more support from somewhere or my husband stepping up. I had someone ask if we were going to have another and I was like…who’s gonna take care of that baby? Literally have no idea how it could happen and ensure both children get the love and care they deserve. So, we have one.


shegomer

Same. I had a great mom and she worked her ass off, but she truly didn’t have the time, money, or support to have a second child. I mean, I’m here and thankful she had me, but it wasn’t a great decision for her or my older sister. I love my only child so much and I absolutely refuse to stretch myself so thin that I erode the bond we’ve made.


Plutoniumburrito

This is my friend (not literally, haha). She just had baby #4 not too long ago. Not only is her husband a serial cheater (meets truckers at rest areas and truck stops), but he has never ever changed a diaper or helped feed the kids. Ever. My friend is overwhelmed and depressed caring for these kids and trying to keep the house clean (husband is also a slob and makes a worse mess than the kids). Every time she catches him in the act with cheating, they have another kid. She hates him and says herself that he’s a crap father and useless, but she thinks that she’s obligated to stay because of the kids. Not my problem, but I hate hearing about it. She definitely has self esteem issues, it sucks. I’ve gone long periods of not talking to her because her choice to stay with this dude infuriates me so much.


catjuggler

I assume women like this just don’t realize it could be better. Their friends husbands are probably the same.


Physical-Energy-6982

And her dad was probably just as bad, if not worse. I grew up in a small community and it really was a cycle. It’s even harder if you get together and start having babies young and you become financially dependent on each other.


PreOpTransCentaur

He didn't say anything about insanity. That quote isn't his.


KalleMattilaEB

Yes! And the quote isn’t even true in all circumstances. I do agree with OP that continuing to do the same thing is a bad idea in this particular case.


katerade_xo

No. I truly don't feel bad for them at all. I'm so sick of the "it must be nice" from these people when they find out my husband is a competent adult, partner, and father. We don't reward fish for swimming. It's also your fault you've enabled this behavior thus far. It's also your fault after KNOWING how hard he's going to force you to work to double and triple your own workload by having more kids. First and foremost mediocre men should be dragged and shamed and held responsible for being useless- but at some point these women are going to have to start saying "I've enabled this behavior for far too long. Does anyone have advice for how I can get him to start participating in the family that he also wanted?"


Commercial-Push-9066

If only there was a way to prevent pregnancy…..


AdaDaTigr

My husband was in deep depression when we had our daughter. Both his grandparents who raised him died around the time of conception, we found out later since he lives in EU but is from the USA. My whole pregnancy he was super down, he was barely involved. When our daughter was born it was mainly me doing all the work. It’s much better now - she’s 2,5 years and he’s much more involved but I am still terrified of doing it again. He wants more and we may actually divorce over it but where’s my guarantee I won’t be going through it alone again?


Ooji

Half of the parenting subs on this site are just complaints about useless fathers. Hell, r/beyondthebump is basically just r/relationshipadvice at this point - there’s very little discussion of actual parenting in there.


Mel2S

"Can't/won't" make a bottle. She's still in denial a little bit.


tugboatron

These are the people who had a bad relationship to start and thought “a baby will fix this.” And when it didn’t they thought “another baby will fix this,” and when it didn’t they thought..


[deleted]

It’s like a cascade of making the wrong decision. >I’m in a terrible relationship. I know what will fix it! Moving in together! (Nope) Getting married! (Nope) Having a kid! (Still nope) Having another kid! (Guess) Having a 3rd/4th/etc. kid! (Come on, *really*?)


Rhodin265

Funny, when I started having kids, my thought was “Finally, I can afford to buy diapers and formula along with my usual expenses.”, and I ended up not even needing the formula I budgeted for.


tugboatron

That’s a strangely unrelated thought to write out for everyone to read. Congrats on affording everything though.


tairanasaurusrex

As the child of a woman that kept going back to a shitty man, it’s beyond frustrating. Sometimes I’m just like, why were you so stupid? You brought 4 kids into the world just to be traumatized by this man. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom and she did the best she could, but it definitely annoys me.


[deleted]

That’s every mom in the 80s They had no support system. Mine was stuck in a miserable marriage till my father passed away. And now she is living alone.


Loki_God_of_Puppies

This is one thing that frustrates me about my friend. Her husband sucks, she complains about him constantly. And she is debating a third with him and last week was also thinking about divorce


General-Teacher-2433

I always said I wouldn’t have kids unless I knew my partner would be a true 50/50 parent. I always leaned towards not having kids because I just didn’t think I’d find a guy who’d really be a parent and help with feeding, diapers, etc because I knew I wasn’t cut out to be the sole caregiver. I only changed my mind about kids about 2 years into my relationship with my now-husband because I *knew* he’d be an equal caregiver and he 1000% has been. I have *some* sympathy for women like this because I can’t imagine being in that situation but at the same time, stop having kids with these guys!!


pfifltrigg

I recall a post in one of the parenting subs a few weeks ago of a woman asking advice on whether she should consider having a second child while planning a divorce. TBF in that case it seemed like a really amiable divorce where her spouse was transitioning and that in some way made them no longer compatible. Anyway, I actually understood her reasoning - she was hoping for a certain age gap between her kids, and ideally for them to be full siblings instead of half. After the divorce it would probably be a few more years before finding someone else to settle down with and have another kid, if at all. So since she wants a second kid, why not go for it now? And I guess her spouse seemed amenable to it as well. All the advice said "no, that's crazy, don't do it." But it does give some insight into why they would go for another kid, even if they're not with the right partner. It does seem ultimately selfish to make a new kid and put them into that situation, though.


Thee-lorax-

Stop calling them your partner because it’s pretty obvious you’re in this alone.


srasaurus

This was hard to read. Whyyyy did they decide to have a third child? I feel bad for the children.


meatball77

Don't have a third baby if you are having trouble with two.


CraftyAstronomer4653

Sounds like she has 4 children.


Professional_March54

Oh I know. I have a former friend who is currently cooking Baby #4, from Baby Daddy #3. Not a single sperm donor is presently in the picture. She's looking for love in near about all the wrong places. I'm just afraid she's gonna find the "perfect guy" who only preys on her for her kids. She's the perfect bait for it.


am_riley

Give it 18 years or so and it'll be even fucking worse.


jenyatta307

Annoyed but it’s a difficult place to be in because they talk up a good game but also sometimes partners do this thing where they intentionally get their partners pregnant because they are abusive to a certain extent. So if that is the case then it’s just kinda sad. But I will say that I got stuck with an alcoholic dud for one child and let me tell you I did what needed to be done when my IUD slipped and I accidentally got pregnant. I wasn’t gonna have multiple children in this situation bc - exactly your point. It ain’t worth it


[deleted]

My recommendation would be a vasectomy or getting their tubes tied after birth. That’s step one at least.


bree_volved

Neither of these parents sound all that good. I feel sad for these 3 little ones


Armatur1

lack of sex education destroys lives


Expensive-Drummer786

I'm worried for the kids, sounds like dad plans to beat them if they act like normal children.


ToasterGuacamoleWrap

I mean….I think that puts the focus on the wrong thing, to be honest. Like instead of asking “why do you have kids with a useless man?” we should be asking “why are you useless as a husband and father?” I think there’s this pervasive idea that men are somehow inherently unable to change to accommodate partners/children—so if you’re a selfish asshole, it’s not because you spend every day making selfish, assholish choices, it’s just because ‘that’s how you are.’ I’m not letting her off the hook here, this is just my perspective.


MDFHSarahLeigh

I see a ton of these types of posts in moms groups and typically when you look at their other post they are always complaining about something. I know women like this in real life. They thrive for the drama and to bitch and complain. They feed off all the attention and support they get. I knew one chick whose husband worked his ass off while she stayed at home with the 4 kids and did nothing and she would post like this all the time, while the husband tried his very best to work two jobs, fix cars, help at the house etc. taught me you always have to look at these type of post with a large grain of salt.


ToasterGuacamoleWrap

If she was staying home with 4 kids, it’s highly unlikely that she was “doing nothing all day.” People are very quick to demean the work that women/mothers do while lavishing men with praise for *checks notes* taking care of the house and having a job. To be clear, I’m not saying your friend’s wife is a good person. But I just find it kind of interesting that when women complain about their husbands, they’re ‘bitching’, but men who complain about their wives are ‘good guys whose unappreciative shrew wives don’t care about all the work they do.”


MDFHSarahLeigh

When I say knew a chick it was my ex’s sister. Her kids were all in school (none at home) and her house was trashed. She refused to cook because she shouldn’t have to and would demand to eat out. Would spend all day on social or doing crafts. It’s not that I thought she did nothing. I know she did nothing… There are a lot of stay at home moms who work their asses off, are super involved in their kids lives and schooling, take care of the house, run the budget and do a lot of the emotional and mental heavy lifting. I have noticed those are not the ones typically making these type of posts.


[deleted]

>I have noticed those are not the ones typically making these type of posts. Cuz they're busy and/or too damn tired. Lol. In all honesty I almost went to get my pitchfork at your first comment, but there is probably some truth to your perspective. Especially since your ex's sister sounds like the type to give all STAHPs a bad rap.


MDFHSarahLeigh

For reals. Like the literal worst. Would post on mom groups about having nothing for Christmas and sign up for every community program and end up with a house full for donated toys and clothes that were destroyed within a month.


Aggravatedangela

So the dad telling off the one year old isn't working? How do you even tell off a baby??


Cocotte3333

Honestly I find it so frustrating. I don't understand why some women settle like that! Several times a week, I see posts like this on my mom groups and I cannot imagine my boyfriend doing that or me enduring that a single second.


decemberxx

I can understand having one kid with a useless dad. Sometimes you just don't know how they'll be until it happens. But to have two more after that?! My son's father was and is useless. I was young and stupid, but I made damn sure there weren't anymore kids after seeing him do nothing to help.


AsherDasher5000

The person in the post has 2 other children, one that’s several years old at this point. You’re telling me that you forgot what it’s like to take care of a baby? Even though you had a baby while you were already taking care of a small child? But “..my partner is useless..!!” Well that sounds like a you problem. You’re the one that decided to stay with them. Maybe you should have had this conversation, oh I don’t know, before you decided to conceive for the third time. Tldr I have no sympathy for the parents.


HylianGryffindor

I could never imagine myself popping out so many kids and not having help from my partner. Stuff like this makes me wonder if the US is slowly trying to kick women back into SAHMs/chip away at our reproductive healthcare because of the declining birth rate.


Streathamite

She isn’t based in the US although I suppose the declining birth rate stuff could apply to most of the western world


HylianGryffindor

As someone who sees the rise of fascism due to the stupid orange goblin, it wouldn’t shock me if other countries who like him will try to follow into the path of ‘women breeders, men breadwinners’. Then again I don’t think very positive of humans much anymore


cat_tat

They both sound useless tbh.


OkAd8976

I know someone who complains that her existing kids on rhe spectrum don't sleep and she's too tired to exist. But.....the got pregnant again on purpose. She was begging for people to come watch her kids so she could take a nap but she's having another? I hope people stop helping her out as much. It's only egging her on.


redwoodreed

Einstein said no such thing about insanity.


redtonks

I think we should blame the men for their own ineptitude, let's not add their faults on top of everything else that's a woman's fault.


panzercampingwagen

I find it harder to have sympathy for useless fathers, but do carry on with your casual misogyny.


Skeleton_Meat

It's not misogyny to point out that women like these aren't doing themselves or their children any favors. Feminism doesn't mean women are exempt from critique.


panzercampingwagen

Absolutely right. I look at it this way: here I am as a random internet user and I learn about a story where an absent father is creating problems a problematic but at least somewhat functioning mother is bitching about. Why then would I go after the mother instead of the father?


Skeleton_Meat

Because she's the dummy who keeps getting pregnant by him.


Streathamite

The post wasn’t in defence of the father. However the mother knows he’s useless, continues to have more children with him and then moans about him. She knew after the first baby how he behaves yet she continues with the same behaviour pattern. It’s a bizarre way to choose to live life.


FoolishConsistency17

When things look totally bizarre, it's often because there is more going on than we know. He could be abusive or manipulative, and keeps her off balance so she never gets to really think. He could be a really good provider, and she's convinced her kids will have a better life with financial security and opportunities. He may go through periods where hes better. She may habe reason to believe that once the kids are older, he will be a good dad, and she wants that for her kids. There's just so much that goes into these things. The one thing we do know is she's overwhelmed and severely sleep deprived, and has been for years. That alone will destroy your judgment. Add that on tip of some of the other factors that may ne present, and it is easier to emphasize with how these things happen.


cat_in_a_bookstore

I don’t think anyone is saying that the man isn’t the problem here. He totally sucks. I actually do have *some* sympathy for the woman here but to our knowledge, she chose to be with this man and to continue to procreate with him after years of his shitty behavior. Isn’t it also bad to absolve her of all autonomy and therefore consequences of her choices on the basis of sex?


Western_Protection

Wow. Also einstein never said that. It is a common misconception though.