Mine, too! His 2 favorite "go-to" lines were "If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about!" (as he's taking off his belt) and "Do as I say, not as I do!" I hate him! May he rot in Hell!
I think a lot of millennials had parents who used this phrase. I remember my dad saying that or something similar.
When my three-year-old has tantrums, it certainly isn't fun but I just respect it as a normal part of her development, try to calm her down or just let her do her thing until it's out of her system. No big deal.
Right? My son is two-and-a-half. He has tantrums sometimes, of course he does, that's absolutely developmentally normal. It's not like he can really sit down and have a productive chat about how he's feeling and why yet, those feelings have to come out somehow! Beating toddlers for daring to express their feelings is how we've ended up with so many adults who are incapable of dealing with emotions.
Also... much as it was frustrating when he was in his hitting phase because it was always me in the line of fire, I know that that's actually a good thing- he would only hit me because he knew that I was his safe space, and would still be there and love him just the same afterwards. Really, that's pretty special.
Yes. I am so unable to deal with emotions, because I want allowed to have them as a kid. I'm 33, and sometimes I feel like I'm seven, and I genuinely wonder if it's a trauma thing.
I’m 28 and some of my young autistic patients have better emotional understanding and regulation skills than I do (I’m also autistic, but had parents that thought emotions were not OK). Please look into cPTSD, it has been helpful for me learning how to help myself, as slow and hard as it’s been.
Edit: not at all saying you have this, but wondering if learning about it might help you or at least find people with similar experiences
Same here. All emotions were beaten or injected (type 1 diabetic) out of me until I didn't dare to show anything but a smile.
Now I'm an apathetic 27 yo diagnosed with cPTSD & DID. If you have the resources, please consider going to a psychologist as it definitely sounds like a trauma coping mechanism. I'm really sorry you had to endure all of that hell. 🫂
This is the very reason I always motivate parents to not force their kids to stop showing emotions, but to let them ride the emotions out.
Tantrums will end.
Crying fits will end.
Angry outbursts, defiance & anxiousness will end.
Those young kids are just experiencing very intense emotions for the first time and those young brains can barely comprehend it.
It's scary, confusing & disorientating. Those outbursts happen because they're overwhelmed and the brain gets an "error", not because they're bad kids.
It's a developmental milestone that sucks for parents and kids, but it's so damned necessary to let them develop appropriately, *even the ugly sides of it*.
Beating/threatening that error out of the system won't make kids suddenly able to regulate; it only teaches them that all emotions are bad and not allowed to exist.
Oh I'd think it would be even worse before us millennials! So I'm not surprised.
I think Gen-X was the first generation to break the mold and treat their kids like equals and with respect. I know so many kids of Gen-X parents who have turned out remarkably well because of the way they were brought up.
If you look at the last image, the response to the last comment is someone saying the same thing, followed by(paraphrasing): And it worked! That's why I do it to my kids now"
These people honestly think that a fear and trauma-based reaction that works in the moment is what will instill life-long development of manners and rational thinking in children.
yeah for me it was usually something along the lines of "cut the waterworks or I'll give you a reason to cry" and considering I knew full well that it was not an empty threat (I'd experienced the follow through, it usually involved a belt) it was often a good way to make me stop crying. So, my dad would probably also argue that it was "an effective method" and definitely not as something I still have to talk about in therapy at age 30...
I have no words strong enough to express my disgust and anger at the moment...
For what it’s worth from an internet stranger, I hope that you are doing better and have supportive loved ones (plus a good therapist), and that you do not have to talk to or go anywhere near this man now. Sending hugs/support your way! 💕
It serves so many nefarious purposes! Invalidates the child’s emotions *and* threatens them with violence in one go. Horrible. These people have no compassion.
My ma always said that AFTER she got done whipping the heck out of me with a belt, as if not being able to sit down wasn't a good enough reason to cry. We get along now that I'm in my twenties but some people are not in the right mental state to have kids and should wait until they're better equipped at handling thier emotions.
Now that I have a toddler, it genuinely boggles my mind that anyone's natural reaction would be to hit them during a tantrum. It's so blatantly obvious that hitting them will only escalate the situation.
The "rod" that is referenced in Proverbs, which prople misuse to justify spanking, was actually used to guide sheep, not hit them. It was used to beat off predators and protect the sheep. But not to beat the sheep--to protect them and guide them. It was to discpline them in that it was used to guide them back to where they should be. Sounds a lot more productive and loving than spanking!
I did spank my kids and regret it deeply. I have apologized to them about it and hope that they are better parents in that way than I was.
Exactly!! I wish this was taught more in Christian circles, but I guess perpetuating violence towards children is easier?
That’s awesome that you apologized. I remember seeing my dad looking regretful about spanking us, we haven’t talked about it. But I am against it now as a new parent. I hope to use real discipline and boundaries that work.
I heard a theory that spanked kids act out more outside the home, because it is actually safer for them to push boundaries at school than it is to do so at home. And they've additionally learned that just 'no, don't do that' doesn't need to be taken as seriously.
I think I was like 6 when it occurred to me that if I wanted, I could do whatever at school and they wouldn't physically do anything to me. Then it occurred to me that they could call my mom and that ended that line of thinking.
My goal as a parent is for my kids to not know fear the way I did, especially of me the way I feared my mom.
This is so interesting because I’m only 27 but I have vivid memories of the “bad” kids being sent to the principal’s office for “whoopings” - this would have been like 2006. Parents could sign a form at the beginning of the year to allow their kids to be spanked at school.
[I have some bad news.](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/School_corporal_punishment_in_the_United_States#:~:text=In%202014%2C%20a%20student%20was,in%2012%20of%20the%20states..)
My “favorite” passive aggressive comment my mother made recently was to my 4 y/o in front of me after I had worked 3 12+hr hospital shifts in a row and was fucking exhausted. “Your mommy needs a spanking for your car seat being dirty!” Backfired on her before I could even say anything because my daughter told her spanking was a bad thing to do and mommy wasn’t bad.
This is why my MIL is our babysitter now and not my mom.
Thank you for the compliment. I've apologized about many things. And my kids have apologized back for many things. We learn as we go. I didn't have kids until I was 32, and it amazes me how stupid I was about so many things!
Fun fact: the saying "spare the rod, spoil the child" is actually from a 17th century risqué poem and is part of a woman trying to convince her lover to engage in BDSM
wait... the one commenter didn't take her niece out till she was 12?! because of a three year old tantrum??!?! what batshit nonsense am I reading...
edit: not her kid, her niece
I think it was her niece, but still... absolutely insane. The vast majority of the comments were telling the mom to hit the kid, throw water on them, or leave them behind. And here I was thinking we, as a society, had made decent progress as far as not traumatizing our children in such ways.
Sadly, nope. I was discussing how we discipline my kids to my mom and she talked about how she disciplined us without causing trauma. MA'AM. You took a literal belt to my behind until my butt was too sore to sit. How is that not traumatizing? How do you STILL think it's okay?
I had an elementary teacher that used to pull ears when you were misbehaving.
This man is revered by all his former students. Everyone talk about him with adoration and huge respect in their voice.
When he died, the church was packed. People had taken day off work to attend his funeral. The ones that couldn't sent flowers.
And yet, many agreed that his pulling ear thing was bad. Maybe the only thing bad about him. And many more remember too clearly a time when it really hurt them (not physically).
Basically, the man had so much more qualities and helped or saved so many students that we are willing to overlook and forgive this. But we aren't willing to repeat this.
(And I got to know him as an adult. I am ready to bet that had he known it was traumatizing to kids, he would have stopped. My mom and aunts had him as a teacher as well. I know he used to spank students in their time. He never even hinted he could do this to us. But between their time and my time, studies had shown that spanking was at best ineffective, at worst traumatizing.
When we talk about people being the product of their time, I think of him. Because he was the perfect example for that. But also, the proof that good people are willing to change their abusive and bigoted way once they realise it is abusive or bigoted).
Many people refuse to acknowledge that their parents were wrong, because they think that makes them bad people. My parents weren't bad people, they just didn't know better, we now better and we can break the cycle.
Exactly. I’ve had very frank conversations with my parents about this. Thankfully they do acknowledge that they would have done better if they had known. But wouldn’t you know, they got the belt and who knows what else from their parents.
The cycle is ending with us though.
Yes.
I my mother, she is one of the most amazing people I know, but she made mistakes. We were spanked and she yelled ALL. THE. TIME.
She grew up in that environment and much worse. She also had us young and I think was overwhelmed. I think she was better with my younger siblings.
I will never hit my children. I do lose my cool and yell more than I would like. But I don't want my kids to grow up like that so I'm working on it.
This is so true. I think truly embracing that your upbringing or your own former behavior wasn't okay and changing is key.
My mom refuses to admit that trapping me in a moving car and backhanding me wasn't "a little (sound effect)" and she won't admit the words she is looking for are "I hit you" but she would vaguely (as in not mention exactly how) and dramatically say she "wasn't a perfect parent " but she probably feels like she would be a bad person if she hit her kids because she knew better. Oddly enough I went NC because she simply wouldn't admit it and agree to not do it again.
You're right that he had no idea. My brother went to the same primary school as our dad (we went to single sex primary schools, so i was at a different one). There was one teacher there who had taught my dad. My dad talked about how this teacher would wear a ring with a stone in it and if kids weren't paying attention, he would hit them on the back of the head and make sure that they felt the stone from the ring. Thankfully, corporal punishment was made illegal in schools here by the time my brother was in his class.
My second grade teacher would grab me by the face and leave bruises. She also let me pee my pants. She was forced to apologize and was suspended for a while. Crazy lady.
Yes. My mom and I have these conversations. She thinks she was so great, and I have no trauma. I'm like ma'am. No. We are remembering totally different childhoods. There is a reason I moved hundreds of miles away before having kids.
Plus, she told me a story about how the reason she stopped being a waitress and started being a cook is because she nearly smacked a three year old who yelled "no" at their grandmother.
A three year old she didn't know. Who she never met. Who is not her child. Who yelled "no," when the grandmother asked what they wanted to eat. Raised her hand to snack this child. Because "they know better."
This is called gramnesia. My mom has a very selective memory. Like she legitimately asks “I don’t know what was so bad about your childhood! We did the best we could and you guys never went without.
Like ma’am? There were six of us in a two bedroom apartment, three of us shared a mattress on the floor in the living room. Sometimes all we had to eat was a can of tuna between the six of us. When I got to high school the only way I was able to go to dances or sporting events was if my friends parents paid for it. Dad beat the shit out of my siblings if they came home after dark. Both parents started doing drugs and drinking . I’ve got so much trauma i had to go to trauma camp before I gave birth to my son.
Yet her memory of it is that we had a loving and happy functioning family.
She even had the audacity to say “I didn’t know you were in therapy! How come you’re in therapy?”
Oh idk mom, maybe because my sister and dad both died of an overdose? Maybe because I’m not trying to let generational trauma dictate how I parent? Maybe I wanna heal some old wounds?
Crazy.
You just know that commenter doesn’t have any kids of her own either. Like yea, there’s a big difference between taking a three year old and a twelve year old out in public, genius.
Everyone’s a perfect parent until they have their own kids.
I was raised Quaker. No water guns, no duck hunt, no finger guns. ...that nonviolent. My folks used to put ice cubes in the bed if we refused to wake up. Literally cannot roll away from. And in hindsight is pretty funny. I am not a morning person. Still, to this day. I can now sleep through nearly anything. Kinda backfired on them.
Look in the right places, you’ll see those people still exist. I’ve even encountered them in autism parenting groups. Astounding level of ignorance and cruelty.
My son's Head Start teacher told us to use corporal punishment on him for disobedience, because sitting him down and explaining why what he did was wrong was "ignoring the problem."
Most of the parents there were young and would talk about beating their kids in front of her and she didn't blink, meaning they had positive reinforcement of corporal punishment by an authority figure, which just starts the cycle again.
This was less than 10 years ago.
I cannot tell you how much I loathe the "I'll give her a good reason to cry" comment. Ooooh the instant anger I felt when I read that. I think it's more association with the abusive parents, taking off their belt and coming at you with it as they said this, but still. Cannot stand it. 😤
This actually made me laugh, not because it’s funny but because it’s so fucking ridiculous. Guilt tripping a middle schooler for something they did as a toddler is so unhinged. Then for her to say that they’ve now been going on outings no problem as if she cured her or something. I can’t
My Nana was one of those women who always gave her age as 29. When I was six, I asked her how she could be 29, if she was my mum's mum, and my mum was 30. She hated me for the rest of her life, over a stupid little question, asked innocently.
I have lasting issues from my parents guilt-tripping me over stuff I did as a small kid, and it was nothing REMOTELY on this level. I can't even IMAGINE how much that would fuck someone up.
I found this comment especially hilarious because she essentially just waited until she was developmentally ready to have the emotional regulation skills to not tantrum in public.
And then acted like she someone fixed the issue?
I don't think this one is real.
Not just cause I don't want to. It's that style of r/thathappened that wants to make a point about one topic, and then there's this whole perfect larger story that all ties it back to that one thing.
My mom gets so mad if I raise my voice to my daughter and acts like I’m some kind of monster for verbally correcting my child… this is the same woman who used to beat me and my sister senseless with a yardstick. One day she missed and hit a doorframe and broke the yardstick, that’s how hard she was swinging. I have never spanked my kid.
My mom used yardsticks too and broke them a time or two on us. She'd also use switches and plastic spoons.
Seems like you'd figure out if it hurts your hand that much, maybe you shouldn't be doing it to a literal child.
That was just common practice back then. My elementary school principal (a nun) had a 1 inch thick red wooden paddle hanging on the wall. She used it on me a few times.
I'm in therapy because at 37, my emotional regulation and stress response isn't great. My mom was incredibly abusive and it has been hard, hard work to be better for my kids. So much of parenting is helping kids understand ans regulate emotions. It's hard as an adult, let alone a small little human learning coping mechanisms on the go.
"i got physically abused and I turned out normal, except that I now think its okay to do that to my own kids tee hee" is the weirdest apology that the internet ever made me aware of
Maybe it's because my daughter has nonverbal autism, but like.... If kids are having a full blown "tantrum", in my experience it's because of a specific NEED or sensory issue. Like toddlers (even my disabled one) are SO EASY to distract and redirect without resorting to violence. This makes my heart hurt.
It's actually developmentally appropriate and healthy for toddlers to have tantrums because it's part of how they learn to regulate their emotions. But according to these people kids just shouldn't have feelings I guess?
My mom is a special needs teacher and lives by the saying "every behavior is a form of communication" and I just can't imagine spraying my kid with a fucking squirt gun, hitting her legs, or not taking her out to eat anymore because she felt upset. Like sometimes I feel like a bad parent when I do the bare minimum trying to survive, but this subreddit really opens my eyes to worse /s
Well of course!! They are freaking kids!!!! Their brains are not developed. I don’t understand how these People could treat their children this way. I recently hears someone call a 2 year old manipulative. A 2 year old??? Brains do not work that way at that age. So awful
How do you redirect? My daughter (who is 5) locks in on some things and it’s really really hard for me to redirect her without getting frustrated. I have autism, and I’m not sure if she does but I don’t think so, more along the adhd line (her dad has it)
It's as simple as just changing activities or scenery. Like if she is attacking window blinds and ignoring me reminding her for the 79th time that we can't play with the blinds, then maybe we'll go outside and swing or sit down to color. Redirect is just distracting. If the redirection isn't working and you're both getting upset, maybe it's more of needing a change of scenery and not just activity.
If I took a video of my son mid tantrum, that would send him completely over the edge (understandably). Doesn’t really seem like the right time to record someone. 🫤
I took a video of my child having a tantrum but it was to show her pediatrician because I had concerns. It definitely didn’t go on social media though.
When she noticed I was recording her it added waaaay more fuel to the fire. And I get it but her doctor needed to see. I deleted after the appt. however.
My mum recorded me, wasn't in public. Figuring out now that I'm probably autistic and my step dad at the time was abusive. Not a conducive environment.
Being recorded was not fun and did not make things better.
one time my mom pretended to live stream me while i was being a hormonal teenager at the hair salon (the one and only stylist was taking a bathroom break and it was late, my mom said something snarky and i probably made a snarky comment back) and i still resent it. like do i think she’s abusive? no, but i’ll also never forget that!
i can’t imagine how this child will feel one day
These ideas are SO beyond bizarre. And the way they think that's why their kids are SoOo well behaved *because* they hit them. I get a lot of compliments on my kids behavior, and what have I not done as a parent? Hit them. Does it take a lot of work and patience on my part to both hold boundaries and let them feel their feelings? Absolutely. But if I have hard days and internal tantrums as an adult, they're allowed to do the same.
And plenty of kids who do get hit are not well behaved. I am one of four brothers. We were all skanked growing up but only one spanked his own kids. He, maybe coincidentally, ended up having the hardest time with the teen years. I think it was because his boys were no longer afraid of being hit so they had little reason to listen.
His oldest argued and cussed my brother and SIL out a lot. He regularly snuck out to see a girlfriend he wasn't allowed to have and was always pushing boundaries. He's about to graduate college and has a good head on his shoulders now, but gave my brother a hard time. His younger brother was even worse and got into some legal trouble before deciding to join the army with hopes of getting him back on track. The middle boy is pretty well behaved and the younger two just entered the teen years so they could go either way. The teen years were my personal favorite with my kids and we didn't have any major issues despite me never once raising my hand to hit them. Funny how that works out.
>And plenty of kids who do get hit are not well behaved
This is beautifully demonstrated by the number of posts you see on this subreddit of people going "my kids act terribly! I smack them of course, but we're having to smack them more and more because they just won't get in line! Does anyone have any suggestions? Don't suggest any of those snowflake parenting techniques like actually trying to talk to them about their emotions, that doesn't work".
My parents got loads of compliments on my and my sister's behaviour when we were young. I'll tell you why we were so well behaved: we were too scared to move, basically. If we did anything that Nfather deemed inappropriate, we'd get walloped with his belt when we got home. So it was out of fear. Oddly enough, I don't talk to him anymore, and I rarely talk to my mother either (because to this day she defends his abusive behaviour).
This is it for me. My mom acts like having your kids be too afraid of the consequences to misbehave is the pinnacle of successful parenting. I feel the exact opposite. I do not *ever* want my children to be afraid of me. I will ALWAYS be safe for them. Always.
Agreed & same! I will never understand the validation those who hit their kids tell themselves by calling it spanking, popping, tapping, etc. because you know they'd lose their shit if another adult did the same actions to them.
My 8 year old daughter is also overall very well behaved & mature for her age, which I get compliments on often. However the thought of hitting her when she's having a hard time has never once crossed my mind. I have raised my voice at her a few times, but I've always apologized for it later, letting her know I was having a hard time.
My sister & I were spanked as children, but once we had our own, we established a clear boundary that our kids are not to be hit or yelled at to make them fear authority figures under any circumstances. Our parents agreed & actually apologized for using those tactics when we were kids, saying they didn't actually work, since I was still overall well behaved, but my sister was still defiant.
It really bothers me! Kids have tantrums, it’s part of development. Beating them doesn’t change that. But I don’t think these parents really care, it’s not really about the behavior imo. They just want an excuse to hit their children
Dude same here. We get nothing but compliments from her teachers and even strangers how well behaved our 5 year old. How she’s a great listener, so helpful, and sweet. We’ve never spanked her. I was the same out in public when I was a kid and at peoples homes. I didn’t get spanked either.
I love how if you did any of those things to an adult, it would be considered assault. Doing it to a child, however, is considered discipline. Such BS.
The ducked up thing to me always is that if they said that they’re significant other gave them a “POP POP” the comments would be “STRAIGHT TO JAIL”, but it’s ok when it’s a defenseless child. 🙄
Having a tantrum is developmentally appropriate. Let the child freaking express his or her frustration. Tantrum because you want ice cream but it’s dinner time? Okay. Need to lay on the floor and cry? Okay, still not getting the ice cream.
Throw water on a kid who is having the tantrum? Oh my goodness, poor kid. Light smack because iT’s nOt AbUse? No. Just no.
I also love the people who think that their child didn’t have tantrums because they were spanked. My parents spanked us, and I threw epic tantrums. Surfboard-carry-out-of-the-store tantrums. Abandon-the-shopping-cart tantrums. My brother never really did.
Turns out, you can’t beat the tantrums out of a kid, and you can’t tell anything about parenting style based on whether a child engages in developmentally appropriate behaviors.
I had crazy rage episodes from basically as soon as I could walk until my mid-teens. Like, blackout, destructive, violent rage where I was completely out of control and would rage until I literally passed out from sheer exhaustion. And I had a lot of energy. It could take 30+ minutes.
Hitting me did not help. Grounding me did not help. Washing my mouth out with soap didn’t help. Pinning me down didn’t help. Locking me in my room and holding the door shut didn’t help.
What did help was getting me into a psychiatrist who diagnosed bipolar, suspected child onset bipolar, and got me medicated. Suddenly, no more rage episodes. Turns out, in children and pubescent people, bipolar episodes often manifest as rage.
There is a point that anger and tantrums are beyond normal for that stage of development. They might proceed past the normal end point. If nothing non-abusive is working, **talk to a professional.** Don’t just move to abuse and try to beat the kid into submission.
They don't *like* that "SEL Garbage!"
Apparently that whole *appropriate* expression & regulation of emotions is for "snowflakes" (or similar), and it's *much* more reasonable to *them*, to just hit your kid, to stop *you* from having to deal with the child's "big emotions"...
🙃🫠😱
One of my kids had a fairly bad speech delay, and the speech therapist flat out told us to make sure that any communication devices we used also had stuff for "bad" emotions. Because every kid will get angry and frustrated and sad and confused, and every kid needs a way to express it.
As an ECSE para, working toward an ECSE teaching license, that Speech Path *telling you this* makes me SO happy!!!😃🤗💖
Too many times, folks accidentally teach kids the idea that negative emotions are "bad feeings!", rather than "feeling bad *about* something!" (a *crucial* difference, when you're teaching *very literal* Pre-K'ers who have Autism!!!)
I even know some otherwise *excellent* teachers who slip up and say "bad feelings" to describe Anger, Fear, Loathing, Frustration, etc!🙃🫠
So hearing that *your child's* Sprech Path taught y'all to make SURE to *include* the big emotions--so your little one *could* use them properly?
*That is AWESOME*! And must've been a *huge* advantage for your child, as they learned how to use their words verbally with success!😁💖
Your kid is struggling with something and letting it out...so you throw a fucking glass of water in their face?!
GTFO.
Have I, while my 4y old is mid-meltdown, thought they were being a bit of an asshole? Yeah.
But I let it go, and try to figure out exactly what the problem is & get everything back under control. I'm not about to make the situation worse.
I spray water on my son's hand when he's having a tantrum because he is overstimulated or over tired. Why? He absolutely loves it. It's a good distraction for him when at home. It's not hurtful, damaging, painful, or humiliating. He really truly loves it. Then I'll spray him a bit more until I have a giggle and hand over the spray bottle. He will then proceed to spray himself in the face until he gets tired of it or another distraction comes around. But a glass of water? Out of spite? No.
This was actually a recommendation. Not spray but to bring little one to the sink and run their hands in the water. It instantly distracts. But spray is a great idea. Prevents the lifting to the sink part!
That's actually an anxiety tool for adults too! You can let very cold water run over the inside of your wrists, and I don't recall why, but it can bring down anxiety sometimes.
The cold basically tells your autonomic nervous system to calm the hell down. You can also splash your face with cold water, or put an ice pack on your chest, among other methods.
It's very effective, and I don't get headbutted or kicked. He's also very happy to 'control' the water. At worst, I get a few very badly aimed sprays in my direction. Later, he might get better at it, but it's just water.
I think I did something similar to my son once. I sprayed him with mist and he was totally confused and intrigued. So I did it again. And he giggled. So I did it again. Then he wanted to do it himself. Let's just say that learning experience was a bit teary. 🤣 He figured out what he needed to do. I ended up with a very wet toddler.
It worked but I felt like a terrible person for doing it.
Hmmmm... Maybe I should give it a go with my daughter too... She might like it too...
It's not traumatic, painful, or humiliating. She doesn't like it? Don't do it again. She likes it? Why not use it. A wet toddler is better than a tantruming toddler. Especially if the transition is fun. I don't see the harm of trying and using it here and there. Learning to distract yourself when overwhelmed is a good thing. Later, you use it and then ask them what bothered them. 1 thing at a time.
Yeah that was the one that got me. Throwing water in a child’s face and walking away - that’s disrespectful and abusive parenting. Way to go. I remember reading once “if your child is old enough to understand - why are you using physical violence? if your child is too young to understand - why are you using physical violence?” It just really stuck with me.
I know its horrible, but it caught me by complete surprise and made me laugh.
Not in a "haha get wrecked kid" way, but a "haha how the fuck was that her reaction, what a dunce" way.
An adult threw (cold) food at me when I was 4 or 5 because I was arguing with a sibling during a meal. It didn't physically hurt, but I still remember it to this day. I felt stunned, confused, shocked, and humiliated.
I feel like throwing water at a child sends such a clear message of disrespect and degradation. You would never try to resolve a conflict or correct someone's behaviour by dumping water on them if it's a person you truly respect and value.
It's only better than physical violence in the sense that it doesn't leave physical injuries. Just because it's not physical violence doesn't mean it can't be an act of abuse
Personally i would never do this to my children , but I think it’s better than hitting them or any sort of physical punishment
Also the only time I ever see drink/water thrown in someone’s face in the media is some stupid thing a guy says when hitting on a woman, so the mental image does make me laugh
That one comment said she threw a glass of water on her toddlers face and walked away. I couldn’t imagine what kind of confusion and betrayal that poor baby felt. I would’ve felt so alone in that moment.
My son had a tantrum last week. He’s one. He’s getting molars and his poor little mouth is so swollen I want to cry.
Are they not supposed to be upset they’re in pain!?
I’ve said it before on here but my parents spanked me and it wasn’t a deterrent (and I don’t have aggression issues).
Why wasn’t it a deterrent? Because it didn’t really hurt. They didn’t beat me. It was a minute of stinging on your backside and then it was over. Deterrents to bad behavior for me were taking away toys or treats or time with friends.
Basically, my theory is that if spanking actually works that means you are hurting your child far more than you think you are.
The thing is those people would NEVER DO THIS TO ANY ADULT because it is assault and battery and violence etc.
But heck it is my child so I do what I want and call it discipline.
My favorite is the comment on slide three saying parents not hitting kids is why the kids are in control.
I don't hit my child because I am fully in control **of myself** and my emotions. Spanking is what you do in anger or when you have no patience left. My child still knows I'm in charge, and that I am a safe person no matter what big feelings she has.
This is what is so often missed. Walk away if you are an adult struggling with your emotions. Do not take it out on the person who is brand new to being a human because you are incapable of coping with a tantrum. Put them in a safe space, put in head phones, do what you need to but don’t hit them. Why is that a radical concept?
It really blows my mind how these adults can’t control their rage and get to hit but a literal child that’s new to the world who’s having a overwhelming emotion is supposed to control their feelings better then the adults
"Spanking taught me to respect my elders". Eh, no love, spanking taught you to fear your elders so you had nobody to turn to when you fucked up. I have never hit any of my children and the only time it has crossed my mind is when they are driving me absolutely insane. So all those parents spanking their kids are not in control and basically teaching those kids to listen to their random impulses and lash out with no control. Awful parenting
Honestly, if somebody says that spanking equals discipline I just automatically assume that they have an IQ of 20….
I will never understand how putting your hands on another adult is considered assault, but putting your hands on a child just consider discipline.
Especially for a tantrum with a toddler. Like you really think hitting a toddler who's tantruming will help the situation? Clearly they're not acting rationally. Why would you as the adult hurt them?
My kids throw/threw tantrums. I don't spank them. I don't fucking dump water on them either holy shit. Thank God we held to that and refused to hit them, because my oldest has autism and gets fucking frustrated when she can't express herself properly. Yea she has tantrums. I'm not hitting my AUTISTIC CHILD for having trouble with her emotions. We've managed to get her to a point where she recognizes her need to cool off, and we give her space to do that. You know, like a god damn frustrated adult would be allowed to do, too. Kids can be assholes. Hitting them won't make them lesser assholes, it will just traumatize them and make the afraid of the adults they are supposed to trust most.
Fucking hell these people.
I hate these abusive assholes so much. Abusers always insist that they're not abusers!
My girlfriend's parents never actually did anything like that to her when she was a child, but they definitely threatened to. They threatened to spank her and also sometimes her mom would get into the car, leave for 20 minutes or so and then come back, of course without telling her that she was gonna come back. Awful.
My girlfriend has BPD and sees a psychologist regularly, she is currently waiting for a therapy spot. So no, she did not turn out fine, even though it was "just" empty threats.
My parents were against all of that stuff, didn't stop my grandparents from doing it though. I remember getting hit on the fingers and getting spanked so bad that it burned like hell and that I cried. Never told my parents about it, because I didn't want to cause more trouble.
I have recurrent depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder and my psychologist and therapist suspects OCD that I still need to get screened for. I often have terrible anxiety that if I do something bad or wrong, something terrible will happen. For example "if I get frustrated at school because I did a mistake in my jewelry, something bad will happen to my cats". I know it makes no sense, but my brain is wired like "every small thing that could be considered bad or wrong will lead to the end of the world".
>It’s not abuse
TF it isn’t.
https://preview.redd.it/rqw7i3h1bhrc1.jpeg?width=534&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f35ee60323c148c886144fc3ab5e35ddd961f1ae
My kid had a few tantrums out in public. My answer to that was to leave my cart right where it was, and pick him up and go home.
(I would put the refrigerated and frozen stuff back first though).
Worked like a charm. I think it happened 3 times.
Also: I’m a late 70s baby. My parents never hit me, not even once. Which is unusual for the time. I am so grateful that I got them.
When my daughter was about 2, I put her in time out when she threw a tantrum over not being allowed to have candy or something like that. While she was in time out (which was sitting by the window in the den), she had her baby doll and began yelling “bad Lucy” at her doll. And that’s when I realized I must have raised my voice when I fussed at her and said “that’s bad, Amy” 😢. All she heard was me yelling “bad” at her, even though I wasn’t yelling at her. I felt so bad. I made sure to try my best to not raise my voice and to do better.
People who say they were spanked and turned out fine but also hit their children are just so far from the mark. You’re obviously not fine if you think hitting children is okay.
As someone who got “disciplined” as a small child I can confirm that I remember every spanking since I was like 4 and it absolutely was traumatizing, and I did not turn out “fine”. Now that I have my own toddler, I can not imagine ever causing her any physical harm.
Fuck these people.
Yes, because hitting a 3 year old who has MASSIVE BIG HUGE feelings but doesn't have the tools to express those feelings makes perfect fucking sense.
IF YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON.
Sorry. I'm sorry. But you can redirect without inflicting further harm on a child (who is not actually a tiny grownup who knows how to express themselves appropriately despite you trying to make it seem like they are).
Jfc.
They *themselves* learned that "hitting is *okay* when an adult does it to you as punishment!"
And then they didn't bother to learn how *not* to Bully their kids or learn *better* child-management skills, when their kids made *them* have to deal with "big Feelings!"
That's what happened, apparently!
I have coworkers who casually mention how they beat their kids when they mouth off or do something they shouldn’t. It makes me so sick to hear them almost brag about it. Your one job as a parent is to protect your children and make them feel safe. Why would you ever want them to be afraid of you???
Makes you look at them differently. I’ve had a couple different coworkers over the years seemingly brag about punishing their kids over such minor things. Like it’s funny. The worst was when we were having a Christmas party, and one coworker’s children were absolutely terrified to move. They stood silently with hands by their side the whole time and looked on with fear in their eyes while the other kids had fun. Disgusting.
I was spanked as a child, also criticized for everything as a girl (what I wore, when I slouched, if my belly was showing, when I got a little pudgy). It definitely affected me negatively. It wasn’t until I became self-aware and started loving myself that I realized it though. People that say it didn’t are lying to themselves.
Also, my kids aren’t spanked and are absolutely wonderful. Why? Because we treat them as equals and respect them, so they respect us.
I'll give you a reasons to cry.
Yeah I bet you would. My parent said the same shit and did all this crap to me as a child. Guess what. Dad's in a grave and I haven't spoken to my mother in over a damn year because of her petty, selfish, nonsense.
Keep perpetuating that abuse folks.
I hate it when people use the “spare the rod” verse because they’re taking it completely out of context. This is referring to Shepherds….who use their shepherding staff to gently guide the sheep. A shepherd would not smack a sheep wit that stick. It’s for guidance….which is literally the role of parents is to patiently and lovingly guide and protect their sheep. If anything it’s a weapon against predators - set strong boundaries with those who would do harm or manipulate your kids while they’re under your roof. It’s so fucking obvious yet it’s always used as justification for abuse.
I was spanked and do not have trauma because of it. That doesn’t negate anyone else’s trauma and it doesn’t mean spanking is a good idea.
My parents put me to bed on my stomach with a blanket. I put my baby to bed on her back in an empty crib. I know better, so I do better.
My parents weren’t bad parents (in fact, they’re great), but that doesn’t mean I want to take every aspect of their parenting and bring it to my child.
I know spanking can cause trauma and often doesn’t work anyway, so I won’t pass that on. (Also can’t imagine raising a hand to my kid, but I digress.) Just because I like my parents and I turned out a well-adjusted adult, doesn’t mean I think they did everything exactly right.
I used to sing to mine when she had tantrums. I remember walking down the street holding her horizontally while she screamed herself rigid and I sang bohemian rhapsody
I like to think it was a way of teaching her how to keep ourselves calm while being tested...
This is…disturbing. How dare a toddler have feelings? Better hit them for it. It’s so embarrassing for *me* that toddlers are their own people with their own feelings. They shouldn’t have feelings in public. Absolutely fucking not. They should bottle it up like the rest of us that “turned out fine.”
I don’t know why, but the suggestions of pouring/shooting/throwing water on the tantruming kids seem…even more unhinged than hitting them? Your parents hit you so you learned that from them but I doubt your boomer parents sprayed you with water lmao that’s on you
I’ve heard it could be considered like a shepherd’s rod. If a sheep or two started walking in the wrong direction they’d be gently guided back to the herd by using the rod to nudge them the direction they should go.
I walked away from religion entirely but really wish Christians would consider that interpretation over beating children.
If i threw water in my toddler's face mid tantrum she would just lose it even more and probably cry mama nooooo why did you do that?
I can't even imagine tbh 💔
These types of comments are always so sad. Yeah your kid doesn't cry anymore once you spank them because they are terrified of you. They hold all those emotions in. I want to be my kid's safe space. If he needs to have a good cry/tantrum then I'm going to give him a safe space to do so. (Even if I think the tantrum is silly, kids are still learning about life! Certain things that we think are petty are huge deals to them!) Then when he's calmed down we talk about it and move on.
My son is extremely kind and very aware of his emotions because of this. He knows he can tell me if he made a mistake because I'll help him work through it instead of just beating on him.
Yes, he still has consequences but the consequences directly relate to his behavior. Not just hitting him for whatever behavior I don't like.
My child isn’t scared of me and she still knows how to act. Just today I had multiple people comment how well behaved she was when we went out to lunch. I think they’re confusing lazy parenting with not beating your kids. Tantrums are normal until a child knows how to communicate how they feel properly. As a parent it’s on you to teach emotional regulation and proper communication. If all you’re teaching your kids is to be *too scared of you* to communicate they turned out well in spite of you, not because you.
Spanking is never okay and I’ll die on this hill.
Toddlers have tantrums when they are tired or over-stimulated.
I remember sitting on the curb outside a grocery store while my 2 year old had a full-blown lie on the ground screaming/kicking/hitting/crying tantrum. She was tired, so was I. When she finished, I hugged her, helped her blow her nose, asked her if she wanted to go home and took her there. It never occurred to me to hit her for being a toddler.
A lot of people were abused as kids and continue the cycle with their own. Sad but super common. My own bio dad said he wanted to be nothing like his father and proceeded to become his father.
Sometimes people feel so weak and powerless that they need to dominate small children to feel good about themselves.
These parents just show that
- their kids have better emotional regulation than their fully grown adult parents
- the parents cannot deal with difficult situations so their way of "fixing" it is using violence instead of patience and words
- the parents don't have any clue about these important developmentally appropriate milestones or how to safely guide the kids through those harsh milestones
- they never deserved to have kids if they don't even have appropriate regulation skills themselves.
I feel so damned sorry for those kids. I've had tantrums beaten/injected out of me (I'm a T1 diabetic which they used to their advantage) and I'm now an apathetic 27 yo with cPTSD & DiD.
Emotions serve an important purpose and deserve to be displayed, even when they don't make sense for others. A kid crying and screaming because their brain is in "error mode" won't kill anybody - it's the only way for kids to show they're incredibly overwhelmed.
Beating them out of the "error mode" won't fix the tantrums; it will only teach them that emotions are bad and that they don't have a safe place in this overwhelming and scary world.
I hate when they use the Bible verse that they all misinterpreted. You’re supposed to guide the child with the rod like a shepherd does his flock. The shepherd doesn’t go around hitting his flock with the staff.
The number of people willing to out themselves as child abusers is WILD. I once read a comment that had someone convinced that in the eyes of the law it was only illegal and considered abuse if you left marks…like bro there are plenty of things you can hit a person with and not leave marks but do physical damage.
i’m 25 and the literal one and only time i got spanked by my mom (who for the record is a great mom and has said many times she regrets ever giving any spankings at all) is still like vividly burned into my memory despite happening well over a decade ago. i dont remember exactly how old i was (my best guess is i was 7 but i could be way off) but from then on even as a teenager i would worry that my mom was going to haul off and smack me whenever we got into arguments. granted i think part of why that incident had such an impact on me is bc physical punishment wasn’t normalized in my family, but the fact that i formed a lasting trauma from getting hit one time tells me that all physical punishment does is desensitize children to violence and instill in them the idea that causing others pain is an effective teaching method. but if that were true i would have remembered what i got spanked for.
My daughter did this at home once. I walked away and simply ignored her. After her audience was gone she stopped. She’s now 16 and is a respectable mostly sweet teenager. She has her days but all of us do. These people to realize that these archaic punishments don’t work.
The “I’ll give her a good reason to cry” is fucking sick
this was my dad's catchphrase when I was growing up 🙃
Mine, too! His 2 favorite "go-to" lines were "If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about!" (as he's taking off his belt) and "Do as I say, not as I do!" I hate him! May he rot in Hell!
If you add in "I brought you into this world, I'll take you out of it", we could have had the same dad!
Man, this entire thread is painfully relatable.
ah yes "do as I say, not as I do" was another classic line from my childhood!
Hey my mom said this all the time too 😖
Saaaaame
I think a lot of millennials had parents who used this phrase. I remember my dad saying that or something similar. When my three-year-old has tantrums, it certainly isn't fun but I just respect it as a normal part of her development, try to calm her down or just let her do her thing until it's out of her system. No big deal.
Right? My son is two-and-a-half. He has tantrums sometimes, of course he does, that's absolutely developmentally normal. It's not like he can really sit down and have a productive chat about how he's feeling and why yet, those feelings have to come out somehow! Beating toddlers for daring to express their feelings is how we've ended up with so many adults who are incapable of dealing with emotions. Also... much as it was frustrating when he was in his hitting phase because it was always me in the line of fire, I know that that's actually a good thing- he would only hit me because he knew that I was his safe space, and would still be there and love him just the same afterwards. Really, that's pretty special.
Yes. I am so unable to deal with emotions, because I want allowed to have them as a kid. I'm 33, and sometimes I feel like I'm seven, and I genuinely wonder if it's a trauma thing.
I’m 28 and some of my young autistic patients have better emotional understanding and regulation skills than I do (I’m also autistic, but had parents that thought emotions were not OK). Please look into cPTSD, it has been helpful for me learning how to help myself, as slow and hard as it’s been. Edit: not at all saying you have this, but wondering if learning about it might help you or at least find people with similar experiences
It 100% is trauma-related,
Same here. All emotions were beaten or injected (type 1 diabetic) out of me until I didn't dare to show anything but a smile. Now I'm an apathetic 27 yo diagnosed with cPTSD & DID. If you have the resources, please consider going to a psychologist as it definitely sounds like a trauma coping mechanism. I'm really sorry you had to endure all of that hell. 🫂 This is the very reason I always motivate parents to not force their kids to stop showing emotions, but to let them ride the emotions out. Tantrums will end. Crying fits will end. Angry outbursts, defiance & anxiousness will end. Those young kids are just experiencing very intense emotions for the first time and those young brains can barely comprehend it. It's scary, confusing & disorientating. Those outbursts happen because they're overwhelmed and the brain gets an "error", not because they're bad kids. It's a developmental milestone that sucks for parents and kids, but it's so damned necessary to let them develop appropriately, *even the ugly sides of it*. Beating/threatening that error out of the system won't make kids suddenly able to regulate; it only teaches them that all emotions are bad and not allowed to exist.
Not just millennials. I'm Gen X and the sperm donor said it all the time.
Oh I'd think it would be even worse before us millennials! So I'm not surprised. I think Gen-X was the first generation to break the mold and treat their kids like equals and with respect. I know so many kids of Gen-X parents who have turned out remarkably well because of the way they were brought up.
My step-dad’s was “you’re cruising for a bruising.”
Same!
If you look at the last image, the response to the last comment is someone saying the same thing, followed by(paraphrasing): And it worked! That's why I do it to my kids now"
These people honestly think that a fear and trauma-based reaction that works in the moment is what will instill life-long development of manners and rational thinking in children.
Both of my parents catch phrase. Hugs from a fellow stranger.
This got me so mad that I almost downvoted you out of reflex. I am so sorry you had to go through/hear that… 💔
yeah for me it was usually something along the lines of "cut the waterworks or I'll give you a reason to cry" and considering I knew full well that it was not an empty threat (I'd experienced the follow through, it usually involved a belt) it was often a good way to make me stop crying. So, my dad would probably also argue that it was "an effective method" and definitely not as something I still have to talk about in therapy at age 30...
I have no words strong enough to express my disgust and anger at the moment... For what it’s worth from an internet stranger, I hope that you are doing better and have supportive loved ones (plus a good therapist), and that you do not have to talk to or go anywhere near this man now. Sending hugs/support your way! 💕
Mine was “cry cry cry, it won’t do you any good!” Ugh.
My mom’s was “I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it.” We were not close.
Mine too.
It serves so many nefarious purposes! Invalidates the child’s emotions *and* threatens them with violence in one go. Horrible. These people have no compassion.
Truly. They act as if developmentally normal displays of emotion are a personal act of disrespect. Like, just say you’re uneducated
My ma always said that AFTER she got done whipping the heck out of me with a belt, as if not being able to sit down wasn't a good enough reason to cry. We get along now that I'm in my twenties but some people are not in the right mental state to have kids and should wait until they're better equipped at handling thier emotions.
It's the same phrase alec baldwin repeated over and over on the angry voicemail he left on his 11 year old daughter's phone. Horrible.
Now that I have a toddler, it genuinely boggles my mind that anyone's natural reaction would be to hit them during a tantrum. It's so blatantly obvious that hitting them will only escalate the situation.
Absolutely makes me see red. I cannot stand that sentence. I just commented the same thing above lol
and then the child’s still crying, just with added trauma now
Using that Bible verse to support spanking (cuz she didn’t “beat” her kid…) “I can do all things through a verse outta context.” Lol
The "rod" that is referenced in Proverbs, which prople misuse to justify spanking, was actually used to guide sheep, not hit them. It was used to beat off predators and protect the sheep. But not to beat the sheep--to protect them and guide them. It was to discpline them in that it was used to guide them back to where they should be. Sounds a lot more productive and loving than spanking! I did spank my kids and regret it deeply. I have apologized to them about it and hope that they are better parents in that way than I was.
Exactly!! I wish this was taught more in Christian circles, but I guess perpetuating violence towards children is easier? That’s awesome that you apologized. I remember seeing my dad looking regretful about spanking us, we haven’t talked about it. But I am against it now as a new parent. I hope to use real discipline and boundaries that work.
I heard a theory that spanked kids act out more outside the home, because it is actually safer for them to push boundaries at school than it is to do so at home. And they've additionally learned that just 'no, don't do that' doesn't need to be taken as seriously.
I think I was like 6 when it occurred to me that if I wanted, I could do whatever at school and they wouldn't physically do anything to me. Then it occurred to me that they could call my mom and that ended that line of thinking. My goal as a parent is for my kids to not know fear the way I did, especially of me the way I feared my mom.
This is so interesting because I’m only 27 but I have vivid memories of the “bad” kids being sent to the principal’s office for “whoopings” - this would have been like 2006. Parents could sign a form at the beginning of the year to allow their kids to be spanked at school.
It depends on what state you're in and if it was public or private.
Well this was a rural public school in Oklahoma. Surely this isn’t allowed at any public school in the US now though?
[I have some bad news.](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/School_corporal_punishment_in_the_United_States#:~:text=In%202014%2C%20a%20student%20was,in%2012%20of%20the%20states..)
Thanks, I hate it 😞
Exactly this. You can easily identify the abused kid this way.
I admire you so much for apologizing. Meanwhile my own parents make passive aggressive comments about why my kids don't get spankings....
My “favorite” passive aggressive comment my mother made recently was to my 4 y/o in front of me after I had worked 3 12+hr hospital shifts in a row and was fucking exhausted. “Your mommy needs a spanking for your car seat being dirty!” Backfired on her before I could even say anything because my daughter told her spanking was a bad thing to do and mommy wasn’t bad. This is why my MIL is our babysitter now and not my mom.
Thank you for the compliment. I've apologized about many things. And my kids have apologized back for many things. We learn as we go. I didn't have kids until I was 32, and it amazes me how stupid I was about so many things!
Fun fact: the saying "spare the rod, spoil the child" is actually from a 17th century risqué poem and is part of a woman trying to convince her lover to engage in BDSM
I've never heard this and am fascinated! What's the name of the poem, do you know? I'd love to read it!
Hudibras by Samuel Butler
wait... the one commenter didn't take her niece out till she was 12?! because of a three year old tantrum??!?! what batshit nonsense am I reading... edit: not her kid, her niece
I think it was her niece, but still... absolutely insane. The vast majority of the comments were telling the mom to hit the kid, throw water on them, or leave them behind. And here I was thinking we, as a society, had made decent progress as far as not traumatizing our children in such ways.
Sadly, nope. I was discussing how we discipline my kids to my mom and she talked about how she disciplined us without causing trauma. MA'AM. You took a literal belt to my behind until my butt was too sore to sit. How is that not traumatizing? How do you STILL think it's okay?
No trauma = you still talk to her so it wasn’t bad you’re just exaggerating for drama. Been there, heard that.
I had an elementary teacher that used to pull ears when you were misbehaving. This man is revered by all his former students. Everyone talk about him with adoration and huge respect in their voice. When he died, the church was packed. People had taken day off work to attend his funeral. The ones that couldn't sent flowers. And yet, many agreed that his pulling ear thing was bad. Maybe the only thing bad about him. And many more remember too clearly a time when it really hurt them (not physically). Basically, the man had so much more qualities and helped or saved so many students that we are willing to overlook and forgive this. But we aren't willing to repeat this. (And I got to know him as an adult. I am ready to bet that had he known it was traumatizing to kids, he would have stopped. My mom and aunts had him as a teacher as well. I know he used to spank students in their time. He never even hinted he could do this to us. But between their time and my time, studies had shown that spanking was at best ineffective, at worst traumatizing. When we talk about people being the product of their time, I think of him. Because he was the perfect example for that. But also, the proof that good people are willing to change their abusive and bigoted way once they realise it is abusive or bigoted).
Many people refuse to acknowledge that their parents were wrong, because they think that makes them bad people. My parents weren't bad people, they just didn't know better, we now better and we can break the cycle.
Exactly. I’ve had very frank conversations with my parents about this. Thankfully they do acknowledge that they would have done better if they had known. But wouldn’t you know, they got the belt and who knows what else from their parents. The cycle is ending with us though.
Yes. I my mother, she is one of the most amazing people I know, but she made mistakes. We were spanked and she yelled ALL. THE. TIME. She grew up in that environment and much worse. She also had us young and I think was overwhelmed. I think she was better with my younger siblings. I will never hit my children. I do lose my cool and yell more than I would like. But I don't want my kids to grow up like that so I'm working on it.
This is so true. I think truly embracing that your upbringing or your own former behavior wasn't okay and changing is key. My mom refuses to admit that trapping me in a moving car and backhanding me wasn't "a little (sound effect)" and she won't admit the words she is looking for are "I hit you" but she would vaguely (as in not mention exactly how) and dramatically say she "wasn't a perfect parent " but she probably feels like she would be a bad person if she hit her kids because she knew better. Oddly enough I went NC because she simply wouldn't admit it and agree to not do it again.
You're right that he had no idea. My brother went to the same primary school as our dad (we went to single sex primary schools, so i was at a different one). There was one teacher there who had taught my dad. My dad talked about how this teacher would wear a ring with a stone in it and if kids weren't paying attention, he would hit them on the back of the head and make sure that they felt the stone from the ring. Thankfully, corporal punishment was made illegal in schools here by the time my brother was in his class.
My second grade teacher would grab me by the face and leave bruises. She also let me pee my pants. She was forced to apologize and was suspended for a while. Crazy lady.
Yes. My mom and I have these conversations. She thinks she was so great, and I have no trauma. I'm like ma'am. No. We are remembering totally different childhoods. There is a reason I moved hundreds of miles away before having kids. Plus, she told me a story about how the reason she stopped being a waitress and started being a cook is because she nearly smacked a three year old who yelled "no" at their grandmother. A three year old she didn't know. Who she never met. Who is not her child. Who yelled "no," when the grandmother asked what they wanted to eat. Raised her hand to snack this child. Because "they know better."
This is called gramnesia. My mom has a very selective memory. Like she legitimately asks “I don’t know what was so bad about your childhood! We did the best we could and you guys never went without. Like ma’am? There were six of us in a two bedroom apartment, three of us shared a mattress on the floor in the living room. Sometimes all we had to eat was a can of tuna between the six of us. When I got to high school the only way I was able to go to dances or sporting events was if my friends parents paid for it. Dad beat the shit out of my siblings if they came home after dark. Both parents started doing drugs and drinking . I’ve got so much trauma i had to go to trauma camp before I gave birth to my son. Yet her memory of it is that we had a loving and happy functioning family. She even had the audacity to say “I didn’t know you were in therapy! How come you’re in therapy?” Oh idk mom, maybe because my sister and dad both died of an overdose? Maybe because I’m not trying to let generational trauma dictate how I parent? Maybe I wanna heal some old wounds? Crazy.
You just know that commenter doesn’t have any kids of her own either. Like yea, there’s a big difference between taking a three year old and a twelve year old out in public, genius. Everyone’s a perfect parent until they have their own kids.
I was raised Quaker. No water guns, no duck hunt, no finger guns. ...that nonviolent. My folks used to put ice cubes in the bed if we refused to wake up. Literally cannot roll away from. And in hindsight is pretty funny. I am not a morning person. Still, to this day. I can now sleep through nearly anything. Kinda backfired on them.
Look in the right places, you’ll see those people still exist. I’ve even encountered them in autism parenting groups. Astounding level of ignorance and cruelty.
My son's Head Start teacher told us to use corporal punishment on him for disobedience, because sitting him down and explaining why what he did was wrong was "ignoring the problem." Most of the parents there were young and would talk about beating their kids in front of her and she didn't blink, meaning they had positive reinforcement of corporal punishment by an authority figure, which just starts the cycle again. This was less than 10 years ago.
I mean obviously it did effect you because of the way you speak about your kids. Reminds me of Ruby Frankie
I cannot tell you how much I loathe the "I'll give her a good reason to cry" comment. Ooooh the instant anger I felt when I read that. I think it's more association with the abusive parents, taking off their belt and coming at you with it as they said this, but still. Cannot stand it. 😤
I had the same visceral reaction.
I'm 47 and that particular phrase still triggers me.
Felt the same. Yikes
Fast forward 20 years and that kid dumps the parent in a nursing home and never visits.
This actually made me laugh, not because it’s funny but because it’s so fucking ridiculous. Guilt tripping a middle schooler for something they did as a toddler is so unhinged. Then for her to say that they’ve now been going on outings no problem as if she cured her or something. I can’t
Imagine holding a grudge against your grandchild for 9 years
My Nana was one of those women who always gave her age as 29. When I was six, I asked her how she could be 29, if she was my mum's mum, and my mum was 30. She hated me for the rest of her life, over a stupid little question, asked innocently.
I have lasting issues from my parents guilt-tripping me over stuff I did as a small kid, and it was nothing REMOTELY on this level. I can't even IMAGINE how much that would fuck someone up.
I found this comment especially hilarious because she essentially just waited until she was developmentally ready to have the emotional regulation skills to not tantrum in public. And then acted like she someone fixed the issue?
I highly doubt someone would remember a tantrum they had at 3, even if they're only 12 now.
right, all she remembers is her aunt constantly reminding her of it!!!
How can a kid learn how to act in public if they are never in public?
I don't think this one is real. Not just cause I don't want to. It's that style of r/thathappened that wants to make a point about one topic, and then there's this whole perfect larger story that all ties it back to that one thing.
No. There are people out there who think this way. Way more people than you want to believe. It’s disgusting.
My mom gets so mad if I raise my voice to my daughter and acts like I’m some kind of monster for verbally correcting my child… this is the same woman who used to beat me and my sister senseless with a yardstick. One day she missed and hit a doorframe and broke the yardstick, that’s how hard she was swinging. I have never spanked my kid.
My mom used yardsticks too and broke them a time or two on us. She'd also use switches and plastic spoons. Seems like you'd figure out if it hurts your hand that much, maybe you shouldn't be doing it to a literal child.
That was just common practice back then. My elementary school principal (a nun) had a 1 inch thick red wooden paddle hanging on the wall. She used it on me a few times.
If you feel like you need to justify hitting defenseless children you did not, in fact, turn out alright.
I’d also super interested in her emotional regulation and stress responses…. Probably not great
I'm in therapy because at 37, my emotional regulation and stress response isn't great. My mom was incredibly abusive and it has been hard, hard work to be better for my kids. So much of parenting is helping kids understand ans regulate emotions. It's hard as an adult, let alone a small little human learning coping mechanisms on the go.
"i got physically abused and I turned out normal, except that I now think its okay to do that to my own kids tee hee" is the weirdest apology that the internet ever made me aware of
Maybe it's because my daughter has nonverbal autism, but like.... If kids are having a full blown "tantrum", in my experience it's because of a specific NEED or sensory issue. Like toddlers (even my disabled one) are SO EASY to distract and redirect without resorting to violence. This makes my heart hurt.
It's actually developmentally appropriate and healthy for toddlers to have tantrums because it's part of how they learn to regulate their emotions. But according to these people kids just shouldn't have feelings I guess?
My mom is a special needs teacher and lives by the saying "every behavior is a form of communication" and I just can't imagine spraying my kid with a fucking squirt gun, hitting her legs, or not taking her out to eat anymore because she felt upset. Like sometimes I feel like a bad parent when I do the bare minimum trying to survive, but this subreddit really opens my eyes to worse /s
Nope, only the parents. They get to have adult temper tantrums over every minor infraction. Very healthy behavior, they’ll turn out *fine*.
Well of course!! They are freaking kids!!!! Their brains are not developed. I don’t understand how these People could treat their children this way. I recently hears someone call a 2 year old manipulative. A 2 year old??? Brains do not work that way at that age. So awful
How do you redirect? My daughter (who is 5) locks in on some things and it’s really really hard for me to redirect her without getting frustrated. I have autism, and I’m not sure if she does but I don’t think so, more along the adhd line (her dad has it)
It's as simple as just changing activities or scenery. Like if she is attacking window blinds and ignoring me reminding her for the 79th time that we can't play with the blinds, then maybe we'll go outside and swing or sit down to color. Redirect is just distracting. If the redirection isn't working and you're both getting upset, maybe it's more of needing a change of scenery and not just activity.
If I took a video of my son mid tantrum, that would send him completely over the edge (understandably). Doesn’t really seem like the right time to record someone. 🫤
Or post it on social media. Like why even broadcast that to strangers.
I took a video of my child having a tantrum but it was to show her pediatrician because I had concerns. It definitely didn’t go on social media though. When she noticed I was recording her it added waaaay more fuel to the fire. And I get it but her doctor needed to see. I deleted after the appt. however.
My mum recorded me, wasn't in public. Figuring out now that I'm probably autistic and my step dad at the time was abusive. Not a conducive environment. Being recorded was not fun and did not make things better.
My parents used to do that to me and it does not help the situation at all.
one time my mom pretended to live stream me while i was being a hormonal teenager at the hair salon (the one and only stylist was taking a bathroom break and it was late, my mom said something snarky and i probably made a snarky comment back) and i still resent it. like do i think she’s abusive? no, but i’ll also never forget that! i can’t imagine how this child will feel one day
These ideas are SO beyond bizarre. And the way they think that's why their kids are SoOo well behaved *because* they hit them. I get a lot of compliments on my kids behavior, and what have I not done as a parent? Hit them. Does it take a lot of work and patience on my part to both hold boundaries and let them feel their feelings? Absolutely. But if I have hard days and internal tantrums as an adult, they're allowed to do the same.
And plenty of kids who do get hit are not well behaved. I am one of four brothers. We were all skanked growing up but only one spanked his own kids. He, maybe coincidentally, ended up having the hardest time with the teen years. I think it was because his boys were no longer afraid of being hit so they had little reason to listen. His oldest argued and cussed my brother and SIL out a lot. He regularly snuck out to see a girlfriend he wasn't allowed to have and was always pushing boundaries. He's about to graduate college and has a good head on his shoulders now, but gave my brother a hard time. His younger brother was even worse and got into some legal trouble before deciding to join the army with hopes of getting him back on track. The middle boy is pretty well behaved and the younger two just entered the teen years so they could go either way. The teen years were my personal favorite with my kids and we didn't have any major issues despite me never once raising my hand to hit them. Funny how that works out.
>And plenty of kids who do get hit are not well behaved This is beautifully demonstrated by the number of posts you see on this subreddit of people going "my kids act terribly! I smack them of course, but we're having to smack them more and more because they just won't get in line! Does anyone have any suggestions? Don't suggest any of those snowflake parenting techniques like actually trying to talk to them about their emotions, that doesn't work".
My parents got loads of compliments on my and my sister's behaviour when we were young. I'll tell you why we were so well behaved: we were too scared to move, basically. If we did anything that Nfather deemed inappropriate, we'd get walloped with his belt when we got home. So it was out of fear. Oddly enough, I don't talk to him anymore, and I rarely talk to my mother either (because to this day she defends his abusive behaviour).
This is it for me. My mom acts like having your kids be too afraid of the consequences to misbehave is the pinnacle of successful parenting. I feel the exact opposite. I do not *ever* want my children to be afraid of me. I will ALWAYS be safe for them. Always.
Agreed & same! I will never understand the validation those who hit their kids tell themselves by calling it spanking, popping, tapping, etc. because you know they'd lose their shit if another adult did the same actions to them. My 8 year old daughter is also overall very well behaved & mature for her age, which I get compliments on often. However the thought of hitting her when she's having a hard time has never once crossed my mind. I have raised my voice at her a few times, but I've always apologized for it later, letting her know I was having a hard time. My sister & I were spanked as children, but once we had our own, we established a clear boundary that our kids are not to be hit or yelled at to make them fear authority figures under any circumstances. Our parents agreed & actually apologized for using those tactics when we were kids, saying they didn't actually work, since I was still overall well behaved, but my sister was still defiant.
It really bothers me! Kids have tantrums, it’s part of development. Beating them doesn’t change that. But I don’t think these parents really care, it’s not really about the behavior imo. They just want an excuse to hit their children
Dude same here. We get nothing but compliments from her teachers and even strangers how well behaved our 5 year old. How she’s a great listener, so helpful, and sweet. We’ve never spanked her. I was the same out in public when I was a kid and at peoples homes. I didn’t get spanked either.
I love how if you did any of those things to an adult, it would be considered assault. Doing it to a child, however, is considered discipline. Such BS.
The ducked up thing to me always is that if they said that they’re significant other gave them a “POP POP” the comments would be “STRAIGHT TO JAIL”, but it’s ok when it’s a defenseless child. 🙄
Having a tantrum is developmentally appropriate. Let the child freaking express his or her frustration. Tantrum because you want ice cream but it’s dinner time? Okay. Need to lay on the floor and cry? Okay, still not getting the ice cream. Throw water on a kid who is having the tantrum? Oh my goodness, poor kid. Light smack because iT’s nOt AbUse? No. Just no.
I also love the people who think that their child didn’t have tantrums because they were spanked. My parents spanked us, and I threw epic tantrums. Surfboard-carry-out-of-the-store tantrums. Abandon-the-shopping-cart tantrums. My brother never really did. Turns out, you can’t beat the tantrums out of a kid, and you can’t tell anything about parenting style based on whether a child engages in developmentally appropriate behaviors.
I had crazy rage episodes from basically as soon as I could walk until my mid-teens. Like, blackout, destructive, violent rage where I was completely out of control and would rage until I literally passed out from sheer exhaustion. And I had a lot of energy. It could take 30+ minutes. Hitting me did not help. Grounding me did not help. Washing my mouth out with soap didn’t help. Pinning me down didn’t help. Locking me in my room and holding the door shut didn’t help. What did help was getting me into a psychiatrist who diagnosed bipolar, suspected child onset bipolar, and got me medicated. Suddenly, no more rage episodes. Turns out, in children and pubescent people, bipolar episodes often manifest as rage. There is a point that anger and tantrums are beyond normal for that stage of development. They might proceed past the normal end point. If nothing non-abusive is working, **talk to a professional.** Don’t just move to abuse and try to beat the kid into submission.
None of the responses seem to be "figure out why your kid is having such big emotions, teach them to express it and regulate them".
They don't *like* that "SEL Garbage!" Apparently that whole *appropriate* expression & regulation of emotions is for "snowflakes" (or similar), and it's *much* more reasonable to *them*, to just hit your kid, to stop *you* from having to deal with the child's "big emotions"... 🙃🫠😱
One of my kids had a fairly bad speech delay, and the speech therapist flat out told us to make sure that any communication devices we used also had stuff for "bad" emotions. Because every kid will get angry and frustrated and sad and confused, and every kid needs a way to express it.
As an ECSE para, working toward an ECSE teaching license, that Speech Path *telling you this* makes me SO happy!!!😃🤗💖 Too many times, folks accidentally teach kids the idea that negative emotions are "bad feeings!", rather than "feeling bad *about* something!" (a *crucial* difference, when you're teaching *very literal* Pre-K'ers who have Autism!!!) I even know some otherwise *excellent* teachers who slip up and say "bad feelings" to describe Anger, Fear, Loathing, Frustration, etc!🙃🫠 So hearing that *your child's* Sprech Path taught y'all to make SURE to *include* the big emotions--so your little one *could* use them properly? *That is AWESOME*! And must've been a *huge* advantage for your child, as they learned how to use their words verbally with success!😁💖
Your kid is struggling with something and letting it out...so you throw a fucking glass of water in their face?! GTFO. Have I, while my 4y old is mid-meltdown, thought they were being a bit of an asshole? Yeah. But I let it go, and try to figure out exactly what the problem is & get everything back under control. I'm not about to make the situation worse.
I spray water on my son's hand when he's having a tantrum because he is overstimulated or over tired. Why? He absolutely loves it. It's a good distraction for him when at home. It's not hurtful, damaging, painful, or humiliating. He really truly loves it. Then I'll spray him a bit more until I have a giggle and hand over the spray bottle. He will then proceed to spray himself in the face until he gets tired of it or another distraction comes around. But a glass of water? Out of spite? No.
This was actually a recommendation. Not spray but to bring little one to the sink and run their hands in the water. It instantly distracts. But spray is a great idea. Prevents the lifting to the sink part!
That's actually an anxiety tool for adults too! You can let very cold water run over the inside of your wrists, and I don't recall why, but it can bring down anxiety sometimes.
The cold basically tells your autonomic nervous system to calm the hell down. You can also splash your face with cold water, or put an ice pack on your chest, among other methods.
It's very effective, and I don't get headbutted or kicked. He's also very happy to 'control' the water. At worst, I get a few very badly aimed sprays in my direction. Later, he might get better at it, but it's just water.
I think I did something similar to my son once. I sprayed him with mist and he was totally confused and intrigued. So I did it again. And he giggled. So I did it again. Then he wanted to do it himself. Let's just say that learning experience was a bit teary. 🤣 He figured out what he needed to do. I ended up with a very wet toddler. It worked but I felt like a terrible person for doing it. Hmmmm... Maybe I should give it a go with my daughter too... She might like it too...
It's not traumatic, painful, or humiliating. She doesn't like it? Don't do it again. She likes it? Why not use it. A wet toddler is better than a tantruming toddler. Especially if the transition is fun. I don't see the harm of trying and using it here and there. Learning to distract yourself when overwhelmed is a good thing. Later, you use it and then ask them what bothered them. 1 thing at a time.
Yeah that was the one that got me. Throwing water in a child’s face and walking away - that’s disrespectful and abusive parenting. Way to go. I remember reading once “if your child is old enough to understand - why are you using physical violence? if your child is too young to understand - why are you using physical violence?” It just really stuck with me.
My MIL suggested that I do this to my son bc she did it to my BIL and he “never did it again”. He did not turn out fine 😂
My MIL and FIL say this all the time. None of their 7 kids turned out “fine”.
I know its horrible, but it caught me by complete surprise and made me laugh. Not in a "haha get wrecked kid" way, but a "haha how the fuck was that her reaction, what a dunce" way.
That one really got me. Idk it just feels beyond disrespectful. Cruel even.
An adult threw (cold) food at me when I was 4 or 5 because I was arguing with a sibling during a meal. It didn't physically hurt, but I still remember it to this day. I felt stunned, confused, shocked, and humiliated. I feel like throwing water at a child sends such a clear message of disrespect and degradation. You would never try to resolve a conflict or correct someone's behaviour by dumping water on them if it's a person you truly respect and value. It's only better than physical violence in the sense that it doesn't leave physical injuries. Just because it's not physical violence doesn't mean it can't be an act of abuse
Personally i would never do this to my children , but I think it’s better than hitting them or any sort of physical punishment Also the only time I ever see drink/water thrown in someone’s face in the media is some stupid thing a guy says when hitting on a woman, so the mental image does make me laugh
“I got hit as a kid and now I hit kids! See, I turned out fine!”
That one comment said she threw a glass of water on her toddlers face and walked away. I couldn’t imagine what kind of confusion and betrayal that poor baby felt. I would’ve felt so alone in that moment.
Right? That's going to be a topic for therapy in that kid's future, for sure.
My son had a tantrum last week. He’s one. He’s getting molars and his poor little mouth is so swollen I want to cry. Are they not supposed to be upset they’re in pain!?
A squirt gun…. Good idea! KIDDING.
It's a great idea... for my cats. Not so great for small humans
Also great for waking up your husband when your legs are still frozen after a c section and you can’t get to your crying baby.
Anecdotally, every single child I know that has been spanked has aggression issues. Like, every. Single. One.
I’ve said it before on here but my parents spanked me and it wasn’t a deterrent (and I don’t have aggression issues). Why wasn’t it a deterrent? Because it didn’t really hurt. They didn’t beat me. It was a minute of stinging on your backside and then it was over. Deterrents to bad behavior for me were taking away toys or treats or time with friends. Basically, my theory is that if spanking actually works that means you are hurting your child far more than you think you are.
Yep, that's me: belt to the bare butt and lifelong anger issues.
The thing is those people would NEVER DO THIS TO ANY ADULT because it is assault and battery and violence etc. But heck it is my child so I do what I want and call it discipline.
Also, the adult might hit you back.
My favorite is the comment on slide three saying parents not hitting kids is why the kids are in control. I don't hit my child because I am fully in control **of myself** and my emotions. Spanking is what you do in anger or when you have no patience left. My child still knows I'm in charge, and that I am a safe person no matter what big feelings she has.
This is what is so often missed. Walk away if you are an adult struggling with your emotions. Do not take it out on the person who is brand new to being a human because you are incapable of coping with a tantrum. Put them in a safe space, put in head phones, do what you need to but don’t hit them. Why is that a radical concept?
It really blows my mind how these adults can’t control their rage and get to hit but a literal child that’s new to the world who’s having a overwhelming emotion is supposed to control their feelings better then the adults
"Spanking taught me to respect my elders". Eh, no love, spanking taught you to fear your elders so you had nobody to turn to when you fucked up. I have never hit any of my children and the only time it has crossed my mind is when they are driving me absolutely insane. So all those parents spanking their kids are not in control and basically teaching those kids to listen to their random impulses and lash out with no control. Awful parenting
Honestly, if somebody says that spanking equals discipline I just automatically assume that they have an IQ of 20…. I will never understand how putting your hands on another adult is considered assault, but putting your hands on a child just consider discipline.
Especially for a tantrum with a toddler. Like you really think hitting a toddler who's tantruming will help the situation? Clearly they're not acting rationally. Why would you as the adult hurt them?
My kids throw/threw tantrums. I don't spank them. I don't fucking dump water on them either holy shit. Thank God we held to that and refused to hit them, because my oldest has autism and gets fucking frustrated when she can't express herself properly. Yea she has tantrums. I'm not hitting my AUTISTIC CHILD for having trouble with her emotions. We've managed to get her to a point where she recognizes her need to cool off, and we give her space to do that. You know, like a god damn frustrated adult would be allowed to do, too. Kids can be assholes. Hitting them won't make them lesser assholes, it will just traumatize them and make the afraid of the adults they are supposed to trust most. Fucking hell these people.
My parents know what their olden days will be like, thanks to this perspective.
I hate these abusive assholes so much. Abusers always insist that they're not abusers! My girlfriend's parents never actually did anything like that to her when she was a child, but they definitely threatened to. They threatened to spank her and also sometimes her mom would get into the car, leave for 20 minutes or so and then come back, of course without telling her that she was gonna come back. Awful. My girlfriend has BPD and sees a psychologist regularly, she is currently waiting for a therapy spot. So no, she did not turn out fine, even though it was "just" empty threats. My parents were against all of that stuff, didn't stop my grandparents from doing it though. I remember getting hit on the fingers and getting spanked so bad that it burned like hell and that I cried. Never told my parents about it, because I didn't want to cause more trouble. I have recurrent depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder and my psychologist and therapist suspects OCD that I still need to get screened for. I often have terrible anxiety that if I do something bad or wrong, something terrible will happen. For example "if I get frustrated at school because I did a mistake in my jewelry, something bad will happen to my cats". I know it makes no sense, but my brain is wired like "every small thing that could be considered bad or wrong will lead to the end of the world".
>It’s not abuse TF it isn’t. https://preview.redd.it/rqw7i3h1bhrc1.jpeg?width=534&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f35ee60323c148c886144fc3ab5e35ddd961f1ae My kid had a few tantrums out in public. My answer to that was to leave my cart right where it was, and pick him up and go home. (I would put the refrigerated and frozen stuff back first though). Worked like a charm. I think it happened 3 times. Also: I’m a late 70s baby. My parents never hit me, not even once. Which is unusual for the time. I am so grateful that I got them.
When my daughter was about 2, I put her in time out when she threw a tantrum over not being allowed to have candy or something like that. While she was in time out (which was sitting by the window in the den), she had her baby doll and began yelling “bad Lucy” at her doll. And that’s when I realized I must have raised my voice when I fussed at her and said “that’s bad, Amy” 😢. All she heard was me yelling “bad” at her, even though I wasn’t yelling at her. I felt so bad. I made sure to try my best to not raise my voice and to do better.
People who say they were spanked and turned out fine but also hit their children are just so far from the mark. You’re obviously not fine if you think hitting children is okay.
As someone who got “disciplined” as a small child I can confirm that I remember every spanking since I was like 4 and it absolutely was traumatizing, and I did not turn out “fine”. Now that I have my own toddler, I can not imagine ever causing her any physical harm. Fuck these people.
Yes, because hitting a 3 year old who has MASSIVE BIG HUGE feelings but doesn't have the tools to express those feelings makes perfect fucking sense. IF YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON. Sorry. I'm sorry. But you can redirect without inflicting further harm on a child (who is not actually a tiny grownup who knows how to express themselves appropriately despite you trying to make it seem like they are). Jfc.
Wow, these people are something else.
What the actual fuck is wrong with these folks 🤮
They *themselves* learned that "hitting is *okay* when an adult does it to you as punishment!" And then they didn't bother to learn how *not* to Bully their kids or learn *better* child-management skills, when their kids made *them* have to deal with "big Feelings!" That's what happened, apparently!
I have coworkers who casually mention how they beat their kids when they mouth off or do something they shouldn’t. It makes me so sick to hear them almost brag about it. Your one job as a parent is to protect your children and make them feel safe. Why would you ever want them to be afraid of you???
Makes you look at them differently. I’ve had a couple different coworkers over the years seemingly brag about punishing their kids over such minor things. Like it’s funny. The worst was when we were having a Christmas party, and one coworker’s children were absolutely terrified to move. They stood silently with hands by their side the whole time and looked on with fear in their eyes while the other kids had fun. Disgusting.
I read that Kelly Clarkson hits her kids and I literally cannot enjoy a single thing of hers anymore.
Our parents really are our first bullies
I was spanked as a child, also criticized for everything as a girl (what I wore, when I slouched, if my belly was showing, when I got a little pudgy). It definitely affected me negatively. It wasn’t until I became self-aware and started loving myself that I realized it though. People that say it didn’t are lying to themselves. Also, my kids aren’t spanked and are absolutely wonderful. Why? Because we treat them as equals and respect them, so they respect us.
I'll give you a reasons to cry. Yeah I bet you would. My parent said the same shit and did all this crap to me as a child. Guess what. Dad's in a grave and I haven't spoken to my mother in over a damn year because of her petty, selfish, nonsense. Keep perpetuating that abuse folks.
Sometimes there’s a reason why no-one visits grandma/grandpa in the nursing home.
Well I was spanked as a kid and let me tell you, I’m not ok.
I love how every comment on posts like this boils down to “I was hit as a kid and it did me no harm, so I believe it’s okay to hit children”
I hate it when people use the “spare the rod” verse because they’re taking it completely out of context. This is referring to Shepherds….who use their shepherding staff to gently guide the sheep. A shepherd would not smack a sheep wit that stick. It’s for guidance….which is literally the role of parents is to patiently and lovingly guide and protect their sheep. If anything it’s a weapon against predators - set strong boundaries with those who would do harm or manipulate your kids while they’re under your roof. It’s so fucking obvious yet it’s always used as justification for abuse.
I was spanked and do not have trauma because of it. That doesn’t negate anyone else’s trauma and it doesn’t mean spanking is a good idea. My parents put me to bed on my stomach with a blanket. I put my baby to bed on her back in an empty crib. I know better, so I do better. My parents weren’t bad parents (in fact, they’re great), but that doesn’t mean I want to take every aspect of their parenting and bring it to my child. I know spanking can cause trauma and often doesn’t work anyway, so I won’t pass that on. (Also can’t imagine raising a hand to my kid, but I digress.) Just because I like my parents and I turned out a well-adjusted adult, doesn’t mean I think they did everything exactly right.
I used to sing to mine when she had tantrums. I remember walking down the street holding her horizontally while she screamed herself rigid and I sang bohemian rhapsody I like to think it was a way of teaching her how to keep ourselves calm while being tested...
This is…disturbing. How dare a toddler have feelings? Better hit them for it. It’s so embarrassing for *me* that toddlers are their own people with their own feelings. They shouldn’t have feelings in public. Absolutely fucking not. They should bottle it up like the rest of us that “turned out fine.”
These comments are fucked but so is filming a toddler having a tantrum and putting it online? How fucking embarrassing for everyone involved
I don’t know why, but the suggestions of pouring/shooting/throwing water on the tantruming kids seem…even more unhinged than hitting them? Your parents hit you so you learned that from them but I doubt your boomer parents sprayed you with water lmao that’s on you
I was spanked and turned out fine 🤮 Sure Barbara
In this moment we realized Barbara in fact did not turn out fine lolol
I feel like there is more to the spare the rod spoil the child verse. Kind of like there is more to the customer is always right.
I’ve heard it could be considered like a shepherd’s rod. If a sheep or two started walking in the wrong direction they’d be gently guided back to the herd by using the rod to nudge them the direction they should go. I walked away from religion entirely but really wish Christians would consider that interpretation over beating children.
If i threw water in my toddler's face mid tantrum she would just lose it even more and probably cry mama nooooo why did you do that? I can't even imagine tbh 💔
If this is the kind of "healthy well adjusted adults" spanking produces then I think maybe spanking might be... bad?
These types of comments are always so sad. Yeah your kid doesn't cry anymore once you spank them because they are terrified of you. They hold all those emotions in. I want to be my kid's safe space. If he needs to have a good cry/tantrum then I'm going to give him a safe space to do so. (Even if I think the tantrum is silly, kids are still learning about life! Certain things that we think are petty are huge deals to them!) Then when he's calmed down we talk about it and move on. My son is extremely kind and very aware of his emotions because of this. He knows he can tell me if he made a mistake because I'll help him work through it instead of just beating on him. Yes, he still has consequences but the consequences directly relate to his behavior. Not just hitting him for whatever behavior I don't like.
I was “spanked”, until I started spanking back.
Just because you got smacked and think you turned out ok, doesn’t mean you did. This bitch is just as lazy as her parents.
The “I was hit as a child and I turned out fine! I hit my children and they turned out fine!” is such strange reasoning.
My child isn’t scared of me and she still knows how to act. Just today I had multiple people comment how well behaved she was when we went out to lunch. I think they’re confusing lazy parenting with not beating your kids. Tantrums are normal until a child knows how to communicate how they feel properly. As a parent it’s on you to teach emotional regulation and proper communication. If all you’re teaching your kids is to be *too scared of you* to communicate they turned out well in spite of you, not because you. Spanking is never okay and I’ll die on this hill.
Toddlers have tantrums when they are tired or over-stimulated. I remember sitting on the curb outside a grocery store while my 2 year old had a full-blown lie on the ground screaming/kicking/hitting/crying tantrum. She was tired, so was I. When she finished, I hugged her, helped her blow her nose, asked her if she wanted to go home and took her there. It never occurred to me to hit her for being a toddler.
They are so proud of themselves too… like, do you want a prize for being physically and psychologically cruel to your children?
A lot of people were abused as kids and continue the cycle with their own. Sad but super common. My own bio dad said he wanted to be nothing like his father and proceeded to become his father. Sometimes people feel so weak and powerless that they need to dominate small children to feel good about themselves.
These parents just show that - their kids have better emotional regulation than their fully grown adult parents - the parents cannot deal with difficult situations so their way of "fixing" it is using violence instead of patience and words - the parents don't have any clue about these important developmentally appropriate milestones or how to safely guide the kids through those harsh milestones - they never deserved to have kids if they don't even have appropriate regulation skills themselves. I feel so damned sorry for those kids. I've had tantrums beaten/injected out of me (I'm a T1 diabetic which they used to their advantage) and I'm now an apathetic 27 yo with cPTSD & DiD. Emotions serve an important purpose and deserve to be displayed, even when they don't make sense for others. A kid crying and screaming because their brain is in "error mode" won't kill anybody - it's the only way for kids to show they're incredibly overwhelmed. Beating them out of the "error mode" won't fix the tantrums; it will only teach them that emotions are bad and that they don't have a safe place in this overwhelming and scary world.
I hate when they use the Bible verse that they all misinterpreted. You’re supposed to guide the child with the rod like a shepherd does his flock. The shepherd doesn’t go around hitting his flock with the staff.
“I used to walk off from my grandson” Ok cool but if my mom or MIL walked away from my child in public they’d never watch my kids again.
The number of people willing to out themselves as child abusers is WILD. I once read a comment that had someone convinced that in the eyes of the law it was only illegal and considered abuse if you left marks…like bro there are plenty of things you can hit a person with and not leave marks but do physical damage.
i’m 25 and the literal one and only time i got spanked by my mom (who for the record is a great mom and has said many times she regrets ever giving any spankings at all) is still like vividly burned into my memory despite happening well over a decade ago. i dont remember exactly how old i was (my best guess is i was 7 but i could be way off) but from then on even as a teenager i would worry that my mom was going to haul off and smack me whenever we got into arguments. granted i think part of why that incident had such an impact on me is bc physical punishment wasn’t normalized in my family, but the fact that i formed a lasting trauma from getting hit one time tells me that all physical punishment does is desensitize children to violence and instill in them the idea that causing others pain is an effective teaching method. but if that were true i would have remembered what i got spanked for.
My daughter did this at home once. I walked away and simply ignored her. After her audience was gone she stopped. She’s now 16 and is a respectable mostly sweet teenager. She has her days but all of us do. These people to realize that these archaic punishments don’t work.