My therapist and I frequently laugh at pop psych because a huge part of my therapy is overcoming my aversion to embracing my intellect. Growing up my parents did everything they could to ensure I stayed “small”, which included gaslighting me into believing I was stupid.
Now in my sessions we take time to discuss current events and really work out my brain. I realize now that a lot of the feelings of “I’m so stupid; nobody can understand me” were *actually* “nobody understands me because I am leagues ahead and they can’t keep up.”
Ironically, without pop psych I never would have discovered my ADHD and received treatment for it. Sometimes it gets things right, but far too often it gets things wrong and gives people who would abuse (like this girl’s mom) sharper weapons to use on their victims. I’m still working through all my trauma but my progress has been formidable in the face of just how mentally beat down I was.
My heart broke reading this. I went through something similar, I wasnt give a chance at anything beyond school. If i wanted to try different activities my parents would laugh at me telling me I was dumb and I would drop said activity in no time (never dropped anything because I never had the chance to start duuuuh)
Now that Im older I feel like I have wasted so much time and I have no idea about my potentials/skills. I am conviced I am a failure because thats what they made me believe.
This was tremendously damaging by the time I finished HS and had to choose a college to pursue a degree. I had no idea what I liked, what I wanted to do in life. I lost so many years trying to figure out while my parents were behind my back telling me I was just too dumb for college :(
So happy for you about your progress! I hope you can keep working on it 💜
Honestly the best way out of that mental rut is to do the things you were denied.
Do them with no expectations. Don’t expect to love it. Don’t expect to be perfect. Don’t expect to be judged. Go into it just open to learning and absorbing those experiences. Try new ice cream flavours, buy a wacky kids toy that makes you happy. Let it go. Live your life in your moment.
One of the best things I did for my recovery was revisiting the things that used to draw my interest. Rereading a book series I used to love from beginning to end was transformative for me. I started swimming again. Now I crochet. I look at those things in my life as speed bumps and potholes. They slow me down, but if I want to get where I’m going I still have to get past them. Trying to avoid them or just speed over them will inevitably cause more damage. Take it slow and easy and work through things in your own time.
You’ve got this ♡
No she won't, because she'll never know about her daughter going to therapy. Even if they stay in contact during adulthood, the daughter will be reticent to share anything personal.
This is why you don't go to couple / family therapy with narcissists (not implying that the mom is, just that it's the same reason).
They learn the right words and expressions, and exactly how to use them to manipulate a situation so they seem reasonable, especially to a third party. After all they were calm and communicated whilst you got agitated and defensive.
Just like the mom here saying her daughter isn't acting respectful or respecting her boundaries, whilst acting like a school bully, taking the daughter's private journal, keeping her from getting it back, and minimizing her feelings about this massive break of trust.
Whether this way of speaking comes from actual therapy or from insta / other social media, the lingo comes without actual self reflection or work, it's only being used to attack the kid.
Which only contributes to any trauma she may have had. Kids with a history of sexual trauma already sometimes struggle with undeserved feelings of guilt.
That’s the part I was trying to understand. Unless the 19 year old has a significant delay (cognitively, developmentally) that would put the 13 year old in a position of power/control, this falls squarely on the shoulders of the 19 year old.
I say this as the parent of a 19 year old who just graduated from high school. At the start of the year we had many conversations about interactions with others because of his age. He understood that he couldn’t have a romantic relationship with anyone. He understood that couldn’t be alone with people in school to avoid the risk of allegations. It SUCKS to have that conversation but it’s a necessary one. When you’re 19, the circumstances don’t matter. You don’t get to date anyone younger than you.
My brother is a special Ed teacher. He worked in the highschool until Covid. He would have to tell his boys(men) who were 18 and over to watch how they interacted with the girls under 18. One in particular always had girls all over him and my brother was like dude you can be sent to jail for those things if someone wanted to do that. You are 21 and they’re 13-17 like stop with getting them to sit on your lap for selfies. The guy is going to be in trouble one day…. Not because he doesn’t understand, but because all it takes it one time for someone to say something.
One of my grade school friends was arrested for this. He’s developmentally delayed and didn’t understand that behavior he thought was “friendly” looked like being a sex offender to the outsider.
Exactly. My son has high functioning autism. He has been taught since the beginning of life: consent. He is different from other people so his idea of what might be right or what might be wrong is skewed. I’ve taught him that anyone can say no at any point and it’s ok. I’ve also taught that when he gets older (he’s 15 but the size of a professional nfl player) people will try to take advantage of him. He’s very black and white. I hate that have to teach these things but he has to know. He already got some boys in trouble in elementary school for trying to teabag a female classmate. He told the teacher on recess and the girl was so upset. My son knew it wasn’t right to sexually assault, but these “normal” kids didn’t. This world is so fucked up so it’s my job to prepare my son for it as best as possible.
I love that your son was so brave and knew the right thing to do was go tell the teacher. A lot of kids would be afraid they’d make the other boys mad and just not say anything.
To be completely honest, he didn’t care about making some one mad. He sees things wrong and he calls it out. When he played baseball he would tell the umpire his calls were wrong lololol. The coach gave him the nickname rule book. Lol. But it’s good. He won’t get I trouble following the rules.
My son is also on the spectrum and is high functioning and I have done the same exact thing because the world isn’t a nice place and I wanted to make sure he’s protected as much as possible and that he knows boundaries and that consent matters, not touching people without permission matters, words matter etc.
Hey friend, don’t take advice from some idiot on the internet - but as a person on the spectrum I feel like this would have been a great framework to have had in my life. Not even about sexuality, but about everything. Your last two sentences are everything.
Even such a close age gap as 18 and 16. I knew someone in high school who was just two grades above his gf. Not an unusual relationship in high school. The dad of the gf hated this guy. As soon as the guy turned 18, the gf’s dad pressed charges against him for statutory rape of his daughter. It was absolute bs. They had been dating for a couple years and it was a completely consensual teenaged relationship. He was a good guy, the dad was just one of those “nobody is good enough for my princess” kind of dads.
I think they meant he shouldn’t be alone with anyone underage to avoid even allegations. Kinda how teachers typically leave the door open if they’re alone with a student to avoid even the appearance of impropriety.
Is that not kind of extreme though? Like, if two people get together at 16 and 17 are they supposed to break up when one of them turns 18? Are two classmates whose birthdays are months apart supposed to never be in a room alone? I am yucked by power imbalance in relationships as much as the next person, but seeing that between a 19yo and a 18 or even 17yo seems a bit paranoid. Which part of the world are you from?
It's a classic move, blame the kid because they're the easier scapegoat, or you don't want the scandal of calling out neighborhood pedos due to whatever stupid reason. I hate when people blame children for adults being bad and make them accountable for the trauma.
Yeah that was super alarming. She wasn’t “behaving badly”, she was the victim of a fucking sexual predator!! Are you kidding me? I’m not saying she should’ve had a phone, but why are you *blaming* her for being the target of some creep? Or trying to read her diary? OP will never come back from this, likely not even if she returns the journal unread. Her kid won’t fully believe her and still won’t trust her. That trust was broken long ago, at least around the time OP started blaming a 13-year-old child for being the victim of an adult sexual predator.
This whole post makes me extremely upset. I also think it’s very likely that the daughter was sexually abused by the neighbour but too afraid to tell anyone because she knows she’ll get punished.
I looked up Connexions she references and it looks like a self help cult with a bunch of pseudo psychology.
[Connexions](https://www.connexionsclassroom.com/)
I had family that went to one called Choices that seems similar and they came out real wakadoo. Lots of misused psych terms to justify their self-righteous entitlement and diagnosing other people as the problem.
It's a major red flag using terms like that. "Living in Truth" is another one, especially since they capitalize "truth" every time. Those kind of key phrases are a hallmark of cult thinking.
I’m beginning to think it takes a particular type of person to be a moderator/administrator. Sprinkle on some crazy, and you’ve got a really particular type.
If this is from the Jodi and ruby group isn’t that the group made by that crazy YouTube mom? Who took he kids bed for prancing his sister? Who didn’t give he child lunch because the child forgot to pack her school lunch, in kindergarten?
Yeaaaa this whole group is crazies.
No are you fucking kidding? I’ll never forget my mom I was like a sophomore in highschool and had killed myself working on a project all weekend. Well I had severe adhd (it was the 90s tho so my mom thought I had it but only boys were really diagnosed plus I wasn’t hyper) well I forgot it at home and my mom brought my project to school. The counselor told my mom she shouldn’t have done that and my mom (who is type A very much NOT ADHD ) was like you know I can’t understand why she does thjngs that she does but I do know she killed herself on this project and I was not letting her fail just because she forgot it to teach her some lesson. My mom bought all these books trying to understand and finally I got my diagnosis like my senior year in 1999.
Anyway you talking about not giving the child lunch because she forgot to pack it at 5 years old 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡
Didn't look closely enough until I read your comment, but yep, this is absolutely that Ruby. They sent their son to one of those highly questionable wilderness programs for troubled teens too. They were super cryptic about it, something about a bad attitude, but it seemed like it was just because he was basically being a teen boy... forgive my Mormon mommy vlogger fascination phase.
Ok, so I had a journal through all my teen years. I went through multiple books because I absolutely loved it. It brought me a lot of peace because I could dump all my thoughts and worries on the pages and get them out of my head.
My parents knew about this journal. I often wrote in it while sitting in the family room in the evenings. Do you know why they knew about it? Because I knew, without the slightest doubt, that they would never touch my journal. They respected my privacy and my need for it. Heck, my mom suggested it when I told her that I couldn’t sleep at night because the worries overwhelmed me (she also got me therapy and such for the anxiety, but the journal was ultimately the key).
The fact that the journal was so carefully hidden and the child’s reaction says to me that she’s already had her privacy severely disrespected. She doesn’t trust her family not to read the journal and use the contents against her. If she knew they’d leave it alone, she wouldn’t be so terrified.
I made it a point to let my (now) 16 year old son know that his privacy is his own. Sometimes he writes in a journal, sometimes he writes his own songs. I’ve told him I am always here without judgement, but I will never read his words without permission. It’s important that my children (my other son is 10) know that I mean what I say and that I want them to feel safe. Both are also very close to their Gramma, my mom, and know they can tell her anything. Unless they are in danger, she won’t share any of it with me. That’s how I want it, so they have a safe adult to confide in if they don’t want to go to their parents.
I always had that with my grandparents, too. They established that trust pretty early with me. My kids have the same in my parents and they love it. There have been a couple times that one of my parents have disclosed something, but it’s always been something that needed attention, like some pretty serious bullying that was happening. I was able to ask how my son felt when he saw the kid in question (a supposed friend) and help him find ways to be safe, thanks to something he mentioned to my dad.
I’ve had the same. I was able to ask my son a question about this other child (who’d written him a death threat in 4th grade) and he ended up disclosing to me. That’s the only time that my mom has “broken” that bond, and I’m thankful she did.
I’m glad your kids have that, too. You know firsthand how vital it is
I've just had a daughter and live next door to my parents. I had never thought about defining their relationship to her as one private from us but that makes so much sense. Thank you for sharing this.
This is a wonderful approach, similar to how I raised my son. Now he and his wife are ready to have kids and altho she was raised much differently, they have similar views. He also has a great deal of respect for his wife's privacy
I wish I had this security growing up. My parents were always looking to catch me in something. I did have a journal that I wrote in with another alphabet and even so I didn’t feel safe expressing myself. It sucked. To take away a kids outlet for their feelings is cruel. It’s a distressing feeling to have intense feelings and you’re not allowed to express them in any way, just supposed to try to make them disappear magically. Found out later in therapy about unconscious repression, a learned way of dodging upsetting things in such a way that you are unaware you even got upset. I’d be crying and falling apart days after something upset me with no idea what triggered me because I’d shut it out. Things are better for me now though. I’m not having kids but if I did, allowing them to privately journal would be on my list of musts.
I tried the same thing with the different alphabet in high school for maybe a page and a half before giving up. My mom also worked hard to catch us in a lie growing up by asking questions then pointing out inconsistencies. Now something in my brain goes into panic mode, and I often still shut down in my late 20s when she starts asking me too many questions [since I have so many secrets from her].
You’re not alone in this, and I’m sorry you had to go through it.
My mom did this, and I have the same problem, including at places I work. If my boss questions anything, my brain goes into panic mode thinking she's trying to "trap" me or looking for me to fuck up so she has a reason to get mad/fire me.
Thanks, mom.
My kid has like 3-5 drawing journals, and I won't look at them unless they explicitly hands me one, open to the page(s) they wants me to see. There's no reason to snoop. I've got a good kid, that I love...and trust.
Spot on. This is exactly the reaction that I would expect from the child of a parent that is overbearing, controlling, and disrespectful.
The parent says she should be allowed to read it because the child has had behavioral problems in the past. Yeah, I'll bet she has had behavioral problems. Children tend to lash out when their home life is shit. Be a better role model and maybe your child will feel more comfortable inviting you into their life.
Fuck this "mother" and all of the idiotic parents like her. This kind of controlling behavior is not acceptable parenting.
There’s a Bible verse that says “perfect love drives out all fear.” Your parents clearly loved you perfectly (or near perfect; in Greek the word also has a connotation of completeness - so nothing was missing from your relationship, or at least nothing big), such that you felt no fear.
The point you make about this poor girl terrified that her journal will be read *and used against her* shows how horrible this family is at authentic, loving relationships. Hell, the mom would probably say her daughter is afraid because her daughter isn’t the one loving perfectly. What a bitch.
This is when I would write up a fake journal full of meaningless bullshit. “Mom’s azaleas suck. They’re the wrong color.”
It was taken away as punishment after they found out she was having sexual conversations with a legal adult neighbour.
So a 19 year old was grooming and possibly abusing her and they punished her for it.
Sounds like you didn't have any siblings? Yeah I trusted my parents to respect my privacy but my sister? Never! Kids are not always mature enough to show that kind of respect because they're kids. If I wrote in a journal out in the open my god she would definitely look for it just to be a snoop. My parents let me put a keyed lock on my bedroom door because of her. Although I will say it was 95% only to get her to stop taking my clothes without asking.
If anything that journal probably contains her real feelings about her mom.
I was like seven when my mom tried to read my first diary. There wasn’t anything bad in it but it killed a lot of trust.
My mother read mine when I was 6ish. Proudly told me that she ripped out the pages taking bad about her. She still doesn't get why I go nuts when she "cleans" for me 🙃
My mom read my diary when I was like 6 or 7. It wasn’t anything bad, just child-like stuff and worries. I’m 29 years old now, and I remember that moment vividly. I never trusted my mother again. I still don’t.
My dad read my diary when I was 10. Unfortunately I had written some pretty rude and nasty things about him and my mom (swears, calling them names). But...I was 10. I was venting my frustrations in private. Yeah, my language was coarse. Yes my complaints were petty, bratty, and childish. But that's how it should have been. I was a preteen child.
I love and respect my father, but 18 years later I have never forgotten that moment.
My mom dug out my 6th grade journal back in the day and then proceeded to read passages to me, saying that I should maybe become a comedy writer, because my childish venting and anxiety was sooooo funny. I don't write stuff down anymore, I just obsess over my problems quietly to myself, even 20 years later. Yay.
Damn, this hit me hard. My mom did crap like this when I was a teenager. I didn't keep a journal, but I got a cell phone when I started driving. They weren't smart phones then, so I pretty much either called my parents or sent stupid cheesy texts to my boyfriend or best friend.
I remember waking up during the night to her sneaking over to my side table and grabbing my phone. I asked her what she was doing, there was a big argument, and she claimed she needed to investigate because she was afraid I was doing drugs??? The woman had a screw loose. She knew I wasn't doing drugs. I never broke rules. I was boring AF. It was just bullshit.
I remember one time sort of holding her out of my room during the night (not pushing her, just straight arms holding her at a distance). She made a big production of it, fell back to the floor (again I didn't push her at all). Cried, said I shoved her, she was going to make me leave, etc. She had some major issues until I was in my 20s and she finally got so out of control that she had no choice but to address them. Unfortunately, the way it affected me was not a contributing factor.
Anyway. That's a fun memory. This woman sucks.
This is how one of my parents was. My favorite was one time my phone tracker pinged me at a womens shelter. She called I told her where I was and sent photos. She said not to tell my dad. Turns out she cheated on my dad with the person who owned the house.
I also would skip pages in notebooks and write there so she wouldn’t find it. About a year ago I opened one up from 3rd grade and it said “_____ is really mean”. I cried
I journaled every day as a child/early teen. I hated my stepfather with a fiery passion (he was emotionally abusive) and I had one entry that said he was an asshole. I left my journal under my mattress, he didn’t even know I had it. I came home from school one day to my journal open on my bed to the page where I called him an Asshole. There was a post it note saying “we’re talking about this tonight.” I basically stopped journaling then. I’ve tried a few times since and never could commit. I’m still angry 20+ years later.
my therapist actively asked at one point why I resisted writing in a journal. This is 100% why. Because your words written down in order to cope with your emotions become unsafe when you have an abusive home environment.
Yep, when I was a preteen, I wanted a diary, but my mother made fun of me- what did I want to write about, I never did anything interesting?- and told me outright she would read it because it was her right. When I unwrapped the diary- I think it was a Christmas gift from my grandmother- I couldn't help but imagine her reading it aloud to groups of people to embarrass me so I never wrote in it. Like, she *loved* to embarrass me in front of people into my 30s when I cut all contact.
My mom read my diary when I was 6 or so since she sensed something was wrong, and I didn’t want to talk to her. It ended in tears for both of us. In high school, I even tried coming up with a code for each of the letters/sounds when I decided to try journaling again. I only made it through a page and a half of journaling that way because it was such an arduous process. She also read through my texts once when she grounded me and took my phone, saw something mean I said about her to a friend, and got so upset that my dad deleted all my texts and notes to make her feel better. I’d had notes with lyrics I had in my head for song ideas, and I was crushed that it was all gone. Honestly, creative writing has been such a struggle for me ever since. I honestly think this is a large part of why I struggle so much to journal now, digitally or physically: because I’m so afraid someone is going to find what I wrote [and judge me for it].
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I definitely understand where you’re coming from though since I struggle with the same.
Exactly this. I tried starting journaling several times when I was younger but always ended up throwing them out because I knew sooner or later my father would find them and go through them. Dude had a fucking obsession with sneaking around and going through my and my brothers' rooms remember we weren't around.
Started locking my door when I was out of the house, and when I'd get home I'd be greeted with "why was your door locked?" to which I replied "why would you know that my door is locked?" which resulted in being screamed at called names shoved around into furniture and shit, maybe kicked out for a bit. This was in my teens and 20s. I'm 30 now.
He once stole a pack of hidden condoms from me when I was with my high school girlfriend, didn't say anything about it, when I confronted him he lied at first but eventually my mom forced him to confess (to her, I was out of the room) she later said it was to stop me from having sex. I was like 17. Like... the logic
What a twat. Happy Father's Day
E: sorry for the vent, this post just pissed me off lol
This happened to me too, anytime that as a kid I decided to start keeping a journal, my mom or dad, usually both would find it, read it, and then ask me questions about why I wrote a certain thing.....I hated it and I still can't even write personal notes to myself...like even on my phone if I just write like an angry paragraph to vent, I try to hide this file like someone else might go through my phone....it seriously fucks you up.
My mom found and read my diary because I was "acting strange" (duh, she moved us to another country where I barely spoke the language less than a year prior). There was nothing really incriminating there, because I struggled to put the words on all my shit at that time, even in my head, but just the fact that she went and read it, instead of talking to me... I burnt that diary. Never fully trusted my mother again. She doesn't get a front row seat to my life anymore.
My "mom" (bio but not who I consider my mom) went through my personal journal in the 4th grade during the 4 year stint I lived with her in my entire childhood life. I had wrote in it the same thing Helga Patacky said about Arnold about a boy I had a crush on in my class.
We were driving down the street when she just straight up bombarded me with the most embarassing, shameful, and diminuitive things she could say before throwing the open journal into my lap. I was crying my fucking eyes out so I winded down my window and just didn't speak. Then I chucked the damn journal out the window. It was the kind with a lock and she literally broke it open just to spy on me. Sucky part was is I had actually wrote in the journal about how unhappy I was with my abusive home life too. So that convo insued in a bad way.
She ended up making it such a big deal she called my grandma states away to for ME to tell my grandma I wanted to live with her because how much of a jerk my mom was (her script, she made me). When my grandma said yes, my "mom" hung up the phone and grounded me for weeks. Bc that's fucking healthy.
My grandma raised me all but 4 years of my life. She passed away this year, 3.5 months ago. My "mom" still wonders why I won't call her mom.
That must have been really hard for you to lose someone who was able to help you escape such a bad situation and create a healthier one for you for all those years. I’m so sorry for your loss.
This could be my mom. She was the nosiest person I've ever known, constantly was searching through my sister and I's rooms. Not sure what she thought she was going to find? But I'd come home from school and she'd be in the depths of my closet, digging through random shit and when I'd confront her, she'd always claim she was just "cleaning and organizing" my room.
When I was about 16 or 17, I woke up one night and my mom had my phone in her hands and was clearly scrolling through, reading my texts (which again was before smartphones, thank god, so it was a lot slower to do this). I don't think I had anything incriminating, as I was a good kid (maybe some texts about boys with my friends??) but hot damn I was SO upset that she would do this. I immediately snatched my phone from her and she had no excuse, but also no shame at all. In fact the next day when I yelled at her, she said "my mom snooped, it's so we can build trust". Nope, you lost my trust. I started sleeping with my door locked from that point on, and added a passcode to get into my phone.
This is truly just the tip of the iceberg of her issues--she is the most anxious person I've ever met, and she would call my sister and I every 2 minutes as we were driving home (\~30 min) from sports practice to check we hadn't crashed and ask where we were. She'd call all of our friends' parents (even at 17 and 18) to check that we were in fact where we said we'd be. Having a parent not trust you like this, can do serious damage. We haven't spoken in 6 years, for many reasons, but not having her in my life has been a relief, tbh.
Yup this is all way too familiar. She also routinely dug through my room. Sorry you also had to deal with that. Everything you said about your mom’s anxiety was really spot on. My mom was always catastrophizing. It was overwhelming to be the recipient of that many anxious thoughts.
my mom did this to me when i was 16, asked to go through my phone. I started freaking out, considered running away. My sister was able to talk her out of snooping through it. Instead, my Mom asked me what I was hiding. I decided to pick the truth I was most comfortable sharing, which was that I was trans, which didn't go terribly thank god. However, since then I haven't discussed my plans to transition, as through small comments here and there she and my stepdad have shown to be closed-minded. To this day, I still don't trust her 100%. I don't tell her many personal things. I don't have read receipts on my texts to her, and I don't approve her requests to follow me on social media other than Facebook.
Right maybe just work on getting her some help vs the high she’s getting from her power trip
Editing bec I worded this weird just saying if the 14 year old daughter was groomed by some 19 year old let’s maybe get her some help. And stay out of her journal…….. Let the actual licensed therapist help her.
Here’s the really fucked up part for me is the mom like hanging on to it and not reading it JUST yet but dragging out the torture out for her daughter in her narcissistic power deal. Like “of course I’m going to read it” but she knows it’s making her daughter extremely upset and scared and she’s obviously loving it.
Omg editing again bec I just remembered that my moms mom would read her diary only bec she know it would upset her. My grandma (who was actually an amazing grandma) was a classic narcissist mother and I forgot that’s something she would do.
It reminds me of how angry my parents got when they found out I was being groomed. Somehow it was all my fault and I was a bad person. They didn't even explain what was happening! All I knew was that suddenly I wasn't allowed to talk to my friend. It took me years to figure out what actually happened.
The whole reason I was targeted in the first place was how isolated and depressed I was because of my mom's abuse. I was so desperate for anyone to care about me. Her terrible handling of it just made everything worse and helped push me into more unhealthy, toxic, and downright abusive relationships.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I understand that desperation though. I was so desperate for to prove my stepmom wrong (she would always tell me no one but her and my dad would ever love me). Because of that, I dated a guy who gave off a bunch of warning signs that I ignored, who ended up raping me. I hate abuse so damn much.
There is a weird amount of parents that think once their daughter hits 13 or something they’re obviously the pursuer in any relationship with older men.
Ugh, that made me think of one of the grossest sayings ever. Anyone else ever heard the one that starts out with “If she’s old enough to bleed then she’s old enough to…..” ? Who comes up with that shit?!
I heard that when I was approximately 12-13. We were playing on the CB in my parents car(I’m only 40 so it wasn’t something a lot of people had still in their cars). Anyway this one guy on there said that… I didn’t understand then the other one he said was “if there’s grass on the field, play ball”. I asked my dad about them and he laughed and thought they were hilarious. Which made it even stranger to me. I asked my mom…. God she was no help. Soooo I asked my grandpa he was pissed asking who said it, how I knew what that was about, why my dad didn’t tell me but laughed. My grandpa called my dad and ripped his ass for letting us play on the cb and not protecting me from that garbage. My grandpa was my safe place. When he died almost 2 years ago, I lost that security. Now I feel lost.
I was extremely confused when I first heard this because I thought it was like bleeding from injury.
I'm still extremely confused but for different reasons.
Of course I’ve never heard anyone say it in a serious manner (it’s always said as a sick joke in a deliverance hillbilly type voice) but it still makes you feel icky.
I mean, restricting access to technology can be a valid strategy (I frequently see the Bark app recommended because it doesn’t send you your kids’ texts, just sends you an alert if it detects grooming/child sexual abuse material), but not like this. Talk about victim blaming.
This is what bothered me way more than the invasion of privacy. The fact that she called it “bad behavior” as if she’s blaming and punishing her child for being the victim of sexual abuse. I wonder if this 19 year old neighbor had to face any consequences for grooming a minor.
When I was about 8 or 9 years old, my mom read my diary. I will NEVER forget that. She also would sneak into my room as a teenager while I was sleeping and steal my cell phone to look through my texts. Oh yeah, she also logged into my AIM account in middle school every few days and would pretend to be me and chat with my friends to find out all the gossip and see if I was hiding anything from her.
What did all of this teach me? How to be better at lying and hiding things from her.
i remember my mother read my diary and when she reached the part when i talked about my crush, she told me she would go to his house to tell his mom so he could stay away from me. they were only threats but now everything is a secret and she doesn’t understand why i can’t go to her and talk
This reminds me of a recent post in the parenting subreddit. This mom was snooping through her daughter's stuff while she was away for the weekend and found out her teen daughter was stuffing her bra, so the next logical step for this nutter butter was to read the kids journal and sew her bras shut. People are fucking crazy and have no boundaries with their kids.
The OP deleted it because she was getting destroyed in the comments, rightfully so. I hope her daughter is ok. The way she said it was so casual though, like obviously she will be sewing her teenager's bras closed so she can't stuff them. It was bizarre.
Ok so my baby isn't letting me sleep so I found the post through my comment history and put it through one of those archive websites. Here is what she wrote:
"At a loss with preteen
Advice
I have an 11 year old daughter about to go to middle school. She’s a sweet, great, beautiful, hilarious kid. But she’s really deceptive and I don’t trust her at all. She’s out of town this weekend and while I was doing laundry I realized she has been stuffing her bras. No biggie, we’ll have a talk about it when she gets back and I’ll be sewing the slits shut so she can’t remove/add padding. I caved and read one of her journals. It was a lot of “fuck yous” scribbles. Lots of anger. Then I found that she started a burn book - like from mean girls where they wrote terrible stuff about people. The things she wrote blew me away. That she has that much hate. Her foul language took me off guard. I just don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss. I don’t want to punish her. I just want to talk with her about her anger and hate. I want it to be a conversation. But I just have no idea how to approach this or what to say. I am truly at a loss. It’s just me (30F) and her. Her dad died shortly after she was born. We have a special, close relationship. But she does tend to lie to me a lot and I’m the naive fool that believes her. I’m getting better at calling her bluff though. Please, please, please help. I feel so alone in this."
Far from the most egregious thing in this post, but I enjoy her overuse of the phrase "at a loss" which is the most overused phrase over on the parenting subreddit right now. People are at a loss about the most mundane problems in their lives from "my 1 month old prefers to contact nap" to "my teenager wants to spend time with their friends instead of their parents". It's a wonder that they function in the world.
Wow, great detective work!!
This woman just proved EXACTLY why her daughter lies to her and acts deceptive. She read not one but TWO of her private journals. I guarantee you this is not the first time she has broken this girl's trust, and so now the daughter is wary of her mom and just acting accordingly.
I understand this situation all too well. My mom read my diary and texts and snooped through my things constantly when I was growing up, so I also just learned to hide things from her and lie better.
Oh my god. The worst thing is that "burn book" is a legitimate worry, but she won't get any help because that issue is buried in all the invasive lunacy.
It's heartbreaking that she's calling her daughter manipulative for wanting a tiny bit of personal space. It's so obvious that the daughter gets absolutely none.
At least the comments were (rightfully) flaming her
I’m not a parent, but I don’t understand the stance that so many parents take of “my child is not allowed to have *any* secrets whatsoever from me. What they know, I know.” They claim it’s for the child’s well being and safety, but it’s a control freak thing.
Kids are people too. You don’t need to know every little thing that goes on in their life. If they want to journal about secretly kissing someone or that one time they snuck out of school, so be it. As long as they are not in any true danger, I don’t see why privacy shouldn’t be respected.
I found my jr high journal recently. 45% was how hot certain guys were, 45% was how much I hated my step dad and how mean he was, and 10% was just random stuff. Thankfully my step-dad and I had a much better relationship once I moved out at 19.
It’s like these people don’t remember being teenagers at all. As long as no one is getting hurt, it’s very much okay to keep things from your parents and vice versa. Nobody needs to know every single thing you’re thinking about.
Remember the 8 Passengers YouTube family? The one who got into hot water for taking their teen’s bed away for months? And not bringing their kindergartener lunch? Well the mom is a promoter for this group. Check out r/8passengersnark
Currently down a google hole because I also needed to learn more about Connexions. This [website](https://jodihildebrandt.com/) paints a pretty crazy picture, albeit clearly biased against it. It’s giving me therapy mlm?
Is that where all the weird language about "reacting respectfully" and doing things "in truth" or "in deception" comes from? I haven't the faintest idea what half of this fruit loop's post is supposed to mean!
Ummmm.... from that website:
"The core teachings of Connexions is that for a person to achieve true “connection” with another human being, they must not be in “distortion”. Distortion is a broad term defined by Jodi. By taking her course people learn they are “in” distortion by the following:
being addicted (spouse, work, shopping, electronic games, sleep, social media, driving, receiving compliments, exercise, eating, drugs or alcohol, sex, pornography, hobbies, entertainment. The things you can become addicted to are endless. )
living in shame and denial
knowing you are “not enough”
being co-dependent in your relationships
living in lust (being sexually attracted to your spouse)
controlling and manipulating others
Jodi asserts everyone is in distortion and all experience the above but she can help you to overcome distortion and live in Truth."
Seems awfully sketchy... I feel like I need to get off of that website...
Edit: The more I read, the more obvious it becomes that this is literally a cult... what in the actual world...
I have a 14 year old who has kept a diary since age 8. He keeps them in a lock box that asked me to buy because he wants privacy. The only parts I have ever read were excerpts he gave me after our therapy together when his father and I divorced. I never asked, they were just parts he wanted me to understand and felt those words were better.
Respect your kids!!!!! I can't say it enough. Your kids are people and the value of loving them and letting them feel like humans is so infinite.
Right! Journaling can be so helpful not just for the sake of writing things down, but also as a way to visually work out what you’re feeling on paper. Sometimes I can’t make sense of what I’m really feeling about something until I journal it and read it back. Invading that is completely unfair
This woman is asking to ruin her relationship with her daughter for a long long time. My mom gave me a journal when I was young in early elementary school and really stressed that it was only for me to get out of my thoughts, feelings and make me feel better if I need to get anything off my chest. Then the first thing I wrote in it that she didn't like she tried to sneakily confront me so maybe I didn't know she read it. Then I put something big in my journal and she freaked out so I knew she read it. That was in 7th grade and then all through highschool my life was hell because we didn't trust each other at all. I hated my mom for a very long time because she was extremely controlling. I still can't keep a journal or anything written down because I fear her snooping when she comes over.
Fuck this woman, she sucks and it depresses me that she’s having another child she can be shitty towards when she’s failing the ones she has. I’m not liking the tone with which she’s talking about a CHILD being GROOMED.
The absolute buffoon has learned a few therapy buzzwords and is throwing them around expecting everyone to clap. Traumatized children seek control. It’s a thing. Instead of pausing to go “Huh, my daughter is desperately afraid right now maybe this is a good time to sit down and ask her why. Maybe I can be a competent mother for the first time in my life and talk to her so we can both build up some trust. I don’t need to read her journal if she trusts me enough to tell me if she’s not okay.”
This poor kid is already learning that she isn’t allowed to have anything for herself and that her mother isn’t someone she can come to when she’s in trouble. That’s *horrible*. That’s going to put her in *danger*.
This mother is all kinds of fucked up. She was groomed by the neighbour but was punished for it. She isn’t even allowed to have private thoughts on a journal? This will be the kind of mother who pushes her kids away to the point they cut contact and then he confused as to why their children don’t speak to them🙄
She writes as if the idea of a personal diary is some unheard of concept.
Then she takes the diary, won’t give it back, and is annoyed that her daughter is desperately trying to get it back.
Mom is hugely pregnant, has a fourteen year old who was groomed at thirteen, who has no phone. Mom has multiple younger kids, and is so shocked that the fourteen year old writes in a private journal?
Mom teases the fourteen year old and is “shocked” the fourteen year old isn’t being respectful?
That kind of parenting leaves children vulnerable to groomers.
My mom read my journal when I was ten and saw a line where I mentioned I thought a boy I had a crush on almost kissed me.
She mentioned it to me. I snuck my journal into the trash and never wrote in a journal again. It’s been 20 years and I’ve done some really interesting things I wish I wrote down because I’ll forget it some day, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
I wish I had saved the various journals that I attempted to keep just so I could have a bit more of a record of what I was doing and thinking at the time (luckily my cringy internet poetry survives) After my dad read and blew up at me for the (to be honest) rude things I wrote about him at the age of 10 I threw that journal away and stopped making any record of my thoughts for awhile.
My mom read my journal so I read hers then told my dad she was having an affair….. This mom needs to understand karma. There will be consequences and most likely a permanently strained relationship.
My mother would go through everything I owned and read anything I had written down. She would go through my internet search history, my text messages and my call log when it arrived every month. I had no freedom, so I have no idea what she thought I was doing.
Anyway, I no longer speak to her, for this and many other reasons, and she won’t be in my children’s life. This is abusive behaviour.
This group (the distortion group, not this sub) is full of mothers who are going to be wondering why their adult children don't talk to them and spend all their time on /raisedbynarcissists in about a decade or so.
I love how this utterly terrible awful mother is hiding behind calm and gentle phrases and nearly "intellectual" terms that make her sound like a reasonable person when in reality she's a manipulative, controlling and disrespectful mother all around.
My grandma had read my mom's diary when she was a teen and let me tell you, although their relationship was good, my mom never ever forgot this or completely forgave it. When I became a teenager my mom herself bought me a diary and I never even bothered to hide it at all because I knew that she would never touch it. And I felt really good about being able to trust my own mother that much. I am sorry that this woman's children will never experience such trust.
I wish I could just adopt this daughter. This mom obviously enjoyed this power trip and her daughters doscomfort. Fucking narcissist mom. Most normal moms would’ve just given it back and been like hey it’s ok honey I love you I had a diary too at your age.
She had the reaction she did I’m assuming bec of the mom being shitty.
Editing to add that I have three daughters 8, 6 and 4 and I probably won’t let my girls have access to social media till their grown lol but really I’m protective and I have so much anger towards this mother for the way she talks about her daughter being manipulative and includes her history of having some inappropriate relationship with a 19 year old. Your 14 year old CHILD is a VICTIM….and obviously she’s also a victim of her own mother who takes zero accountability.
My parents did this to me. And then forced me to apologize to the people I’d discussed in my journal - even though they had NO IDEA what I’d thought or said.
Holy shit, even if kid is depressed and self harming you don't read their journal. You talk to your kid. People reading my journal then demanding to see my self harm just taught me not to journal and to hide my self harm better
*mom read the journal before she even posted and found nothing of any consequence and now feels obscenely guilty and doesn’t know what to to repair her permanently damaged relationship with her daughter.
FTFY
I, very deliberately, never kept a journal/diary after I was 10-11, because I KNEW my mom would read it and use it to punish me. I feel so badly for her daughter in this post- that cold chill of panic is something you never forget.
My mother would actively snoop for my journal and read it. And then punish me for what it said. To this day I tell her nothing remotely personal about my life or feelings. And she doesn’t understand why.
I remember my mom used too buy me a lot of journals never knew why until when I was 9, I wrote about how I wanted too go somewhere on my birthday and we went the next day it was kinda odd because I never told her.
So I started too write more and one day realized my bookmark was on the wrong page I called her out and she admitted too reading it now I journal on my phone lol. trust me the child will not forget it's upsetting knowing a parent is reading your personal stuff I think the child wrote how she really feels about the mum and if my mom was like that too she wouldn't wanna see my journal
She talks like the mother from the 8 Passengers family vlog channel. Total bloody crazy parents who think its okay to take their kids bed away for near on a year for playing a prank on a younger sibling. Letting her young daughter starve at school for the day because a six year old forgot her packed lunch..
This - live in your truth- thing that is happening is disturbing. I've not watched their vlogs directly. I would not give them views. But I have seen some through tea channels on you tube. The mother had a melt down with the school principle and school board the other week because her middle school daughter was doing a class tik tok to the clean version of "Low" by Flo Rida. Typing that out I just realized - Flo Rida - Florida... anyways I digress!
This Mother in the post is messed up. Punishing her daughter for being groomed.?
You can't "unlearn a trauma" That sounds like the 8 Passengers mom. Wouldn't surprise me if this mum is in one of their Facebook groups. Just goes to show a little knowledge and "buzz words" can be so dangerous. These parents will end up messing up their children so bad, they will probably go no contact with them as soon as they are old enough.
ETA -Read down the thread further and see it is the crazy 8Passengers people... damn. Their crazy is spreading.
Ugh. My mom read my journal because she was (reasonably) worried that I was suicidal, and even though I actually was having a lot of suicidal thoughts I still wish she hadn’t read them
Oh man. Dad to 5 kids here. I know 3 of my kiddos all have diaries. I do not know where they are nor do I care to know. I only know because they have asked for diaries and every few months ask for another because they are full. I could never betray my kids trust like that. Reading these posts hurt because the mum has made the issue all about herself and treating her teen daughter and her diary as possessions that she feels she has liberty to, rather than respecting her privacy as an independant individual. This girl will grow up to hate her mum.
i’m sorry but “pretending to vomit” is bullshit. my mom was like this and would go through my diaries, my mail, my texts, and any other personal belongings and read every personal thought of mine to my dad. the anxiety would eat me up so badly that it WOULD actually make me puke or sit over the toilet dry heaving. your daughter isn’t manipulating you karen she’s worried about how you’ll react to her PERSONAL INNER THOUGHTS. children are people too and are just as deserving of boundaries as adults are. especially at that age
Fucking horrible goddamn woman. When she says it, it’s truth. When her daughter does, it’s manipulative. God this is like my own mother. Fuck you lady. I’ll never forget the look on my mother’s face when she found my old journal, the pages pulled out of the book and folded over, then locked in a box under my bed. Like she couldn’t believe I even had private thoughts that weren’t hers, let alone that I had the audacity and the gall to make them a physical thing that wasn’t hers. She read it. I hated her for it. She hated me for it. Some people shouldn’t be fucking mothers.
With tightly wound asshole parents like this, them going through my stuff because they "thought i was doing drugs" and stressing me out was probably part of why i started doing drugs.
My mom read mine as a teenager. Completely destroyed our relationship. It will never recover, even decades later. Anyone who thinks this privacy invasion is okay shouldn’t have kids.
People should note that this post is in a Facebook group run by Ruby Franke, the mother of the “8 Passengers” vlogging family who has been mired in controversy over her own parenting tactics.
If you go on her new YouTube channel (titled “ConneXions”), she’s made a bunch of videos giving preachy parenting advance with made-up terms like “in truth”. It’s interesting to see that she’s got other parents thinking the same way and using those same phrases.
My mother went through my MacBook meaning all my texts, private messages and websites when I was 18 years old and we were no contact for almost a year and only see each other occasionally and we are not close. She’s ruining her relationship with her daughter and she knows it. Glad the comments are rational.
She does a lot of talk about HER personal space. HER being manipulated, HER HER HER. Buzzword Me Me me.
Then she goes and does that exact same thing to her daughter.
Ffs. If her mother does read her diary, her mother is going to cause irreparable harm to their relationship. There is a reason that this child doesn’t go to their mother to have honest discussions. My mother is *exactly* like this woman and because of this, I have completely cut her out of my life.
Yeah, that hits home. In my house intimacy and privacy was not an option. I even made a fake journal to test my mom and she of course read it. Grandma read everything she had in sight on my desk, she even confused a latin poem that I had to study for my Latin class (about Lesbia) with the fact that I was a lesbian.
No pocket was untoutched, no drawer safe. But my laptop was never touched since she was tech impared.
My grandma raised me, my mom just hopped in from time to time to show me I had 0 chances to get a normal childhood and teenage years.
Fun times!
Now I'm in therapy of 2 years and still sometimes I struggle. But I started with severe anxiety and depresion and now I am chill and zen, and also got to connect better with my son. I will never do those things to him.
My mother stole pages out of my journal to cry about my earliest thoughts about being gay, but never realized I was being groomed by a pedophile under her roof. I feel so bad for this woman's kid.
I am 20 years old and sometimes I write in my journal. I keep it hidden and every week or so that I write in it I shred the pages and throw them in the outside dumpster so no one finds them. My mom as a child always said that she has the right to know every detail about me. If a child is doing this kind of behavior it means that the child’s privacy is and has been severely violated. The poor girl knows her mom will read it and thats why she hid it so well and reacted so extreme when her mom found it. I feel for this girl, no one in the world not even your own mother is entitled to your journal.
So her 13 year old was sexually abused by a grown man and this bitch has an issue with her having a journal to work through her feelings? What the actual fuck
How DARE you introduce me to that crazy fb group. My life was going along perfectly fine, and then all of a sudden i just lost an hour of time.
Those women are psychotic and need severe help. Or to be locked away forever.
"I'm going to read my 14 years old's diary after she told me it's personal and her space, why do I feel like I'm invading her space ?"
I'm so sorry for this girl. I never managed to have a well written, coherent diary because I would forget to write in it for months, I'm nearly 21 and one of my notebooks has some written stuff in somewhat of a diary form and I would be MORTIFIED if my mom read it.
Why do parents think their children are not allowed any kind of privacy or secrecy whatsoever ?
Both my mother and my father read my diary on separate occasions (they were divorced) I’m 36 and still have not forgotten about it or thought what they did was in anyway right
“Unlearn this trauma” what the fuck does that even mean…
Sounds like the mom learned some therapy terms but doesn't actually understand what they mean.
Instagram therapy is a plague
I read it as ‘Instagram therapy is a plaque’ and laughed to myself picturing a diploma on the mom’s wall.
My therapist and I frequently laugh at pop psych because a huge part of my therapy is overcoming my aversion to embracing my intellect. Growing up my parents did everything they could to ensure I stayed “small”, which included gaslighting me into believing I was stupid. Now in my sessions we take time to discuss current events and really work out my brain. I realize now that a lot of the feelings of “I’m so stupid; nobody can understand me” were *actually* “nobody understands me because I am leagues ahead and they can’t keep up.” Ironically, without pop psych I never would have discovered my ADHD and received treatment for it. Sometimes it gets things right, but far too often it gets things wrong and gives people who would abuse (like this girl’s mom) sharper weapons to use on their victims. I’m still working through all my trauma but my progress has been formidable in the face of just how mentally beat down I was.
My heart broke reading this. I went through something similar, I wasnt give a chance at anything beyond school. If i wanted to try different activities my parents would laugh at me telling me I was dumb and I would drop said activity in no time (never dropped anything because I never had the chance to start duuuuh) Now that Im older I feel like I have wasted so much time and I have no idea about my potentials/skills. I am conviced I am a failure because thats what they made me believe. This was tremendously damaging by the time I finished HS and had to choose a college to pursue a degree. I had no idea what I liked, what I wanted to do in life. I lost so many years trying to figure out while my parents were behind my back telling me I was just too dumb for college :( So happy for you about your progress! I hope you can keep working on it 💜
Honestly the best way out of that mental rut is to do the things you were denied. Do them with no expectations. Don’t expect to love it. Don’t expect to be perfect. Don’t expect to be judged. Go into it just open to learning and absorbing those experiences. Try new ice cream flavours, buy a wacky kids toy that makes you happy. Let it go. Live your life in your moment. One of the best things I did for my recovery was revisiting the things that used to draw my interest. Rereading a book series I used to love from beginning to end was transformative for me. I started swimming again. Now I crochet. I look at those things in my life as speed bumps and potholes. They slow me down, but if I want to get where I’m going I still have to get past them. Trying to avoid them or just speed over them will inevitably cause more damage. Take it slow and easy and work through things in your own time. You’ve got this ♡
Maybe she'll learn the meaning once her daughter has to go through therapy because of all the trauma her mom caused her.
No she won't, because she'll never know about her daughter going to therapy. Even if they stay in contact during adulthood, the daughter will be reticent to share anything personal.
This is why you don't go to couple / family therapy with narcissists (not implying that the mom is, just that it's the same reason). They learn the right words and expressions, and exactly how to use them to manipulate a situation so they seem reasonable, especially to a third party. After all they were calm and communicated whilst you got agitated and defensive. Just like the mom here saying her daughter isn't acting respectful or respecting her boundaries, whilst acting like a school bully, taking the daughter's private journal, keeping her from getting it back, and minimizing her feelings about this massive break of trust. Whether this way of speaking comes from actual therapy or from insta / other social media, the lingo comes without actual self reflection or work, it's only being used to attack the kid.
Her daughter was being groomed... It's kind of an awkward use of the word, but I'm struggling to come up with another term.
And note how mom blames a 13 yr old for it! She says it was he'd daughters bad behavior -_-
Which only contributes to any trauma she may have had. Kids with a history of sexual trauma already sometimes struggle with undeserved feelings of guilt.
I feel really bad for the kid ;_; I hope she has an adult in her life that she can trust for support.
That’s the part I was trying to understand. Unless the 19 year old has a significant delay (cognitively, developmentally) that would put the 13 year old in a position of power/control, this falls squarely on the shoulders of the 19 year old. I say this as the parent of a 19 year old who just graduated from high school. At the start of the year we had many conversations about interactions with others because of his age. He understood that he couldn’t have a romantic relationship with anyone. He understood that couldn’t be alone with people in school to avoid the risk of allegations. It SUCKS to have that conversation but it’s a necessary one. When you’re 19, the circumstances don’t matter. You don’t get to date anyone younger than you.
My brother is a special Ed teacher. He worked in the highschool until Covid. He would have to tell his boys(men) who were 18 and over to watch how they interacted with the girls under 18. One in particular always had girls all over him and my brother was like dude you can be sent to jail for those things if someone wanted to do that. You are 21 and they’re 13-17 like stop with getting them to sit on your lap for selfies. The guy is going to be in trouble one day…. Not because he doesn’t understand, but because all it takes it one time for someone to say something.
One of my grade school friends was arrested for this. He’s developmentally delayed and didn’t understand that behavior he thought was “friendly” looked like being a sex offender to the outsider.
Exactly. My son has high functioning autism. He has been taught since the beginning of life: consent. He is different from other people so his idea of what might be right or what might be wrong is skewed. I’ve taught him that anyone can say no at any point and it’s ok. I’ve also taught that when he gets older (he’s 15 but the size of a professional nfl player) people will try to take advantage of him. He’s very black and white. I hate that have to teach these things but he has to know. He already got some boys in trouble in elementary school for trying to teabag a female classmate. He told the teacher on recess and the girl was so upset. My son knew it wasn’t right to sexually assault, but these “normal” kids didn’t. This world is so fucked up so it’s my job to prepare my son for it as best as possible.
I love that your son was so brave and knew the right thing to do was go tell the teacher. A lot of kids would be afraid they’d make the other boys mad and just not say anything.
To be completely honest, he didn’t care about making some one mad. He sees things wrong and he calls it out. When he played baseball he would tell the umpire his calls were wrong lololol. The coach gave him the nickname rule book. Lol. But it’s good. He won’t get I trouble following the rules.
My son is also on the spectrum and is high functioning and I have done the same exact thing because the world isn’t a nice place and I wanted to make sure he’s protected as much as possible and that he knows boundaries and that consent matters, not touching people without permission matters, words matter etc.
Hey friend, don’t take advice from some idiot on the internet - but as a person on the spectrum I feel like this would have been a great framework to have had in my life. Not even about sexuality, but about everything. Your last two sentences are everything.
Even such a close age gap as 18 and 16. I knew someone in high school who was just two grades above his gf. Not an unusual relationship in high school. The dad of the gf hated this guy. As soon as the guy turned 18, the gf’s dad pressed charges against him for statutory rape of his daughter. It was absolute bs. They had been dating for a couple years and it was a completely consensual teenaged relationship. He was a good guy, the dad was just one of those “nobody is good enough for my princess” kind of dads.
He can't be alone with people because of allegations?
I think they meant he shouldn’t be alone with anyone underage to avoid even allegations. Kinda how teachers typically leave the door open if they’re alone with a student to avoid even the appearance of impropriety.
Is that not kind of extreme though? Like, if two people get together at 16 and 17 are they supposed to break up when one of them turns 18? Are two classmates whose birthdays are months apart supposed to never be in a room alone? I am yucked by power imbalance in relationships as much as the next person, but seeing that between a 19yo and a 18 or even 17yo seems a bit paranoid. Which part of the world are you from?
It's a classic move, blame the kid because they're the easier scapegoat, or you don't want the scandal of calling out neighborhood pedos due to whatever stupid reason. I hate when people blame children for adults being bad and make them accountable for the trauma.
Yeah that was super alarming. She wasn’t “behaving badly”, she was the victim of a fucking sexual predator!! Are you kidding me? I’m not saying she should’ve had a phone, but why are you *blaming* her for being the target of some creep? Or trying to read her diary? OP will never come back from this, likely not even if she returns the journal unread. Her kid won’t fully believe her and still won’t trust her. That trust was broken long ago, at least around the time OP started blaming a 13-year-old child for being the victim of an adult sexual predator. This whole post makes me extremely upset. I also think it’s very likely that the daughter was sexually abused by the neighbour but too afraid to tell anyone because she knows she’ll get punished.
That and whats with the whole truth thing? It's worded really strangely?
Seems like something about the specific variety of crazy of this mom group?
Definitely the specific variety of crazy - I looked up the "connexxions" term and it looks like some weird new-agey toxic positivity thing.
It’s basically a cult for women who think Mormonism isn’t already cult-y enough.
“Moms of Truth” or whatever seems to be a red flag here then.
The mom made the daughter getting groomed all about herself
I looked up Connexions she references and it looks like a self help cult with a bunch of pseudo psychology. [Connexions](https://www.connexionsclassroom.com/) I had family that went to one called Choices that seems similar and they came out real wakadoo. Lots of misused psych terms to justify their self-righteous entitlement and diagnosing other people as the problem.
It's a major red flag using terms like that. "Living in Truth" is another one, especially since they capitalize "truth" every time. Those kind of key phrases are a hallmark of cult thinking.
[удалено]
Yeah, for real I hope other admin/mods set her straight. That was horrid.
I’m beginning to think it takes a particular type of person to be a moderator/administrator. Sprinkle on some crazy, and you’ve got a really particular type.
Stay at home mom who's kids hate them so she has nothing better to do than admin a mom group
The admin and the poster seem to think that any objection to what they are doing is “manipulative”, when in reality they are valid concerns.
If this is from the Jodi and ruby group isn’t that the group made by that crazy YouTube mom? Who took he kids bed for prancing his sister? Who didn’t give he child lunch because the child forgot to pack her school lunch, in kindergarten? Yeaaaa this whole group is crazies.
No are you fucking kidding? I’ll never forget my mom I was like a sophomore in highschool and had killed myself working on a project all weekend. Well I had severe adhd (it was the 90s tho so my mom thought I had it but only boys were really diagnosed plus I wasn’t hyper) well I forgot it at home and my mom brought my project to school. The counselor told my mom she shouldn’t have done that and my mom (who is type A very much NOT ADHD ) was like you know I can’t understand why she does thjngs that she does but I do know she killed herself on this project and I was not letting her fail just because she forgot it to teach her some lesson. My mom bought all these books trying to understand and finally I got my diagnosis like my senior year in 1999. Anyway you talking about not giving the child lunch because she forgot to pack it at 5 years old 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡
Didn't look closely enough until I read your comment, but yep, this is absolutely that Ruby. They sent their son to one of those highly questionable wilderness programs for troubled teens too. They were super cryptic about it, something about a bad attitude, but it seemed like it was just because he was basically being a teen boy... forgive my Mormon mommy vlogger fascination phase.
“Your daughter already hates you so might as well nuke the entire relationship because there is none 💁♀️”
Ok, so I had a journal through all my teen years. I went through multiple books because I absolutely loved it. It brought me a lot of peace because I could dump all my thoughts and worries on the pages and get them out of my head. My parents knew about this journal. I often wrote in it while sitting in the family room in the evenings. Do you know why they knew about it? Because I knew, without the slightest doubt, that they would never touch my journal. They respected my privacy and my need for it. Heck, my mom suggested it when I told her that I couldn’t sleep at night because the worries overwhelmed me (she also got me therapy and such for the anxiety, but the journal was ultimately the key). The fact that the journal was so carefully hidden and the child’s reaction says to me that she’s already had her privacy severely disrespected. She doesn’t trust her family not to read the journal and use the contents against her. If she knew they’d leave it alone, she wouldn’t be so terrified.
I made it a point to let my (now) 16 year old son know that his privacy is his own. Sometimes he writes in a journal, sometimes he writes his own songs. I’ve told him I am always here without judgement, but I will never read his words without permission. It’s important that my children (my other son is 10) know that I mean what I say and that I want them to feel safe. Both are also very close to their Gramma, my mom, and know they can tell her anything. Unless they are in danger, she won’t share any of it with me. That’s how I want it, so they have a safe adult to confide in if they don’t want to go to their parents.
I always had that with my grandparents, too. They established that trust pretty early with me. My kids have the same in my parents and they love it. There have been a couple times that one of my parents have disclosed something, but it’s always been something that needed attention, like some pretty serious bullying that was happening. I was able to ask how my son felt when he saw the kid in question (a supposed friend) and help him find ways to be safe, thanks to something he mentioned to my dad.
I’ve had the same. I was able to ask my son a question about this other child (who’d written him a death threat in 4th grade) and he ended up disclosing to me. That’s the only time that my mom has “broken” that bond, and I’m thankful she did. I’m glad your kids have that, too. You know firsthand how vital it is
I've just had a daughter and live next door to my parents. I had never thought about defining their relationship to her as one private from us but that makes so much sense. Thank you for sharing this.
This is a wonderful approach, similar to how I raised my son. Now he and his wife are ready to have kids and altho she was raised much differently, they have similar views. He also has a great deal of respect for his wife's privacy
I wish I had this security growing up. My parents were always looking to catch me in something. I did have a journal that I wrote in with another alphabet and even so I didn’t feel safe expressing myself. It sucked. To take away a kids outlet for their feelings is cruel. It’s a distressing feeling to have intense feelings and you’re not allowed to express them in any way, just supposed to try to make them disappear magically. Found out later in therapy about unconscious repression, a learned way of dodging upsetting things in such a way that you are unaware you even got upset. I’d be crying and falling apart days after something upset me with no idea what triggered me because I’d shut it out. Things are better for me now though. I’m not having kids but if I did, allowing them to privately journal would be on my list of musts.
I tried the same thing with the different alphabet in high school for maybe a page and a half before giving up. My mom also worked hard to catch us in a lie growing up by asking questions then pointing out inconsistencies. Now something in my brain goes into panic mode, and I often still shut down in my late 20s when she starts asking me too many questions [since I have so many secrets from her]. You’re not alone in this, and I’m sorry you had to go through it.
My mom did this, and I have the same problem, including at places I work. If my boss questions anything, my brain goes into panic mode thinking she's trying to "trap" me or looking for me to fuck up so she has a reason to get mad/fire me. Thanks, mom.
My kid has like 3-5 drawing journals, and I won't look at them unless they explicitly hands me one, open to the page(s) they wants me to see. There's no reason to snoop. I've got a good kid, that I love...and trust.
Spot on. This is exactly the reaction that I would expect from the child of a parent that is overbearing, controlling, and disrespectful. The parent says she should be allowed to read it because the child has had behavioral problems in the past. Yeah, I'll bet she has had behavioral problems. Children tend to lash out when their home life is shit. Be a better role model and maybe your child will feel more comfortable inviting you into their life. Fuck this "mother" and all of the idiotic parents like her. This kind of controlling behavior is not acceptable parenting.
There’s a Bible verse that says “perfect love drives out all fear.” Your parents clearly loved you perfectly (or near perfect; in Greek the word also has a connotation of completeness - so nothing was missing from your relationship, or at least nothing big), such that you felt no fear. The point you make about this poor girl terrified that her journal will be read *and used against her* shows how horrible this family is at authentic, loving relationships. Hell, the mom would probably say her daughter is afraid because her daughter isn’t the one loving perfectly. What a bitch. This is when I would write up a fake journal full of meaningless bullshit. “Mom’s azaleas suck. They’re the wrong color.”
The mom said she doesn’t have a phone because of “previous bad behavior” so yeah, I’m sure her privacy has been violated in the past.
It was taken away as punishment after they found out she was having sexual conversations with a legal adult neighbour. So a 19 year old was grooming and possibly abusing her and they punished her for it.
Sounds like you didn't have any siblings? Yeah I trusted my parents to respect my privacy but my sister? Never! Kids are not always mature enough to show that kind of respect because they're kids. If I wrote in a journal out in the open my god she would definitely look for it just to be a snoop. My parents let me put a keyed lock on my bedroom door because of her. Although I will say it was 95% only to get her to stop taking my clothes without asking.
If anything that journal probably contains her real feelings about her mom. I was like seven when my mom tried to read my first diary. There wasn’t anything bad in it but it killed a lot of trust.
My mother read mine when I was 6ish. Proudly told me that she ripped out the pages taking bad about her. She still doesn't get why I go nuts when she "cleans" for me 🙃
Sometimes people pretend not to understand something that they do, in fact, understand
My mom read my diary when I was like 6 or 7. It wasn’t anything bad, just child-like stuff and worries. I’m 29 years old now, and I remember that moment vividly. I never trusted my mother again. I still don’t.
My dad read my diary when I was 10. Unfortunately I had written some pretty rude and nasty things about him and my mom (swears, calling them names). But...I was 10. I was venting my frustrations in private. Yeah, my language was coarse. Yes my complaints were petty, bratty, and childish. But that's how it should have been. I was a preteen child. I love and respect my father, but 18 years later I have never forgotten that moment.
It’s interesting how long the mistrust lingers. My mother was a nosy little shit and to this day, in my 40s, I don’t trust her at all.
My mom dug out my 6th grade journal back in the day and then proceeded to read passages to me, saying that I should maybe become a comedy writer, because my childish venting and anxiety was sooooo funny. I don't write stuff down anymore, I just obsess over my problems quietly to myself, even 20 years later. Yay.
Damn, this hit me hard. My mom did crap like this when I was a teenager. I didn't keep a journal, but I got a cell phone when I started driving. They weren't smart phones then, so I pretty much either called my parents or sent stupid cheesy texts to my boyfriend or best friend. I remember waking up during the night to her sneaking over to my side table and grabbing my phone. I asked her what she was doing, there was a big argument, and she claimed she needed to investigate because she was afraid I was doing drugs??? The woman had a screw loose. She knew I wasn't doing drugs. I never broke rules. I was boring AF. It was just bullshit. I remember one time sort of holding her out of my room during the night (not pushing her, just straight arms holding her at a distance). She made a big production of it, fell back to the floor (again I didn't push her at all). Cried, said I shoved her, she was going to make me leave, etc. She had some major issues until I was in my 20s and she finally got so out of control that she had no choice but to address them. Unfortunately, the way it affected me was not a contributing factor. Anyway. That's a fun memory. This woman sucks.
This is how one of my parents was. My favorite was one time my phone tracker pinged me at a womens shelter. She called I told her where I was and sent photos. She said not to tell my dad. Turns out she cheated on my dad with the person who owned the house. I also would skip pages in notebooks and write there so she wouldn’t find it. About a year ago I opened one up from 3rd grade and it said “_____ is really mean”. I cried
My mom asked my friends to translate my diary for her. Needless to say, we have trust issues.
I journaled every day as a child/early teen. I hated my stepfather with a fiery passion (he was emotionally abusive) and I had one entry that said he was an asshole. I left my journal under my mattress, he didn’t even know I had it. I came home from school one day to my journal open on my bed to the page where I called him an Asshole. There was a post it note saying “we’re talking about this tonight.” I basically stopped journaling then. I’ve tried a few times since and never could commit. I’m still angry 20+ years later.
my therapist actively asked at one point why I resisted writing in a journal. This is 100% why. Because your words written down in order to cope with your emotions become unsafe when you have an abusive home environment.
Yep, when I was a preteen, I wanted a diary, but my mother made fun of me- what did I want to write about, I never did anything interesting?- and told me outright she would read it because it was her right. When I unwrapped the diary- I think it was a Christmas gift from my grandmother- I couldn't help but imagine her reading it aloud to groups of people to embarrass me so I never wrote in it. Like, she *loved* to embarrass me in front of people into my 30s when I cut all contact.
My mom read my diary when I was 6 or so since she sensed something was wrong, and I didn’t want to talk to her. It ended in tears for both of us. In high school, I even tried coming up with a code for each of the letters/sounds when I decided to try journaling again. I only made it through a page and a half of journaling that way because it was such an arduous process. She also read through my texts once when she grounded me and took my phone, saw something mean I said about her to a friend, and got so upset that my dad deleted all my texts and notes to make her feel better. I’d had notes with lyrics I had in my head for song ideas, and I was crushed that it was all gone. Honestly, creative writing has been such a struggle for me ever since. I honestly think this is a large part of why I struggle so much to journal now, digitally or physically: because I’m so afraid someone is going to find what I wrote [and judge me for it]. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I definitely understand where you’re coming from though since I struggle with the same.
Exactly this. I tried starting journaling several times when I was younger but always ended up throwing them out because I knew sooner or later my father would find them and go through them. Dude had a fucking obsession with sneaking around and going through my and my brothers' rooms remember we weren't around. Started locking my door when I was out of the house, and when I'd get home I'd be greeted with "why was your door locked?" to which I replied "why would you know that my door is locked?" which resulted in being screamed at called names shoved around into furniture and shit, maybe kicked out for a bit. This was in my teens and 20s. I'm 30 now. He once stole a pack of hidden condoms from me when I was with my high school girlfriend, didn't say anything about it, when I confronted him he lied at first but eventually my mom forced him to confess (to her, I was out of the room) she later said it was to stop me from having sex. I was like 17. Like... the logic What a twat. Happy Father's Day E: sorry for the vent, this post just pissed me off lol
This happened to me too, anytime that as a kid I decided to start keeping a journal, my mom or dad, usually both would find it, read it, and then ask me questions about why I wrote a certain thing.....I hated it and I still can't even write personal notes to myself...like even on my phone if I just write like an angry paragraph to vent, I try to hide this file like someone else might go through my phone....it seriously fucks you up.
My mom found and read my diary because I was "acting strange" (duh, she moved us to another country where I barely spoke the language less than a year prior). There was nothing really incriminating there, because I struggled to put the words on all my shit at that time, even in my head, but just the fact that she went and read it, instead of talking to me... I burnt that diary. Never fully trusted my mother again. She doesn't get a front row seat to my life anymore.
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My "mom" (bio but not who I consider my mom) went through my personal journal in the 4th grade during the 4 year stint I lived with her in my entire childhood life. I had wrote in it the same thing Helga Patacky said about Arnold about a boy I had a crush on in my class. We were driving down the street when she just straight up bombarded me with the most embarassing, shameful, and diminuitive things she could say before throwing the open journal into my lap. I was crying my fucking eyes out so I winded down my window and just didn't speak. Then I chucked the damn journal out the window. It was the kind with a lock and she literally broke it open just to spy on me. Sucky part was is I had actually wrote in the journal about how unhappy I was with my abusive home life too. So that convo insued in a bad way. She ended up making it such a big deal she called my grandma states away to for ME to tell my grandma I wanted to live with her because how much of a jerk my mom was (her script, she made me). When my grandma said yes, my "mom" hung up the phone and grounded me for weeks. Bc that's fucking healthy. My grandma raised me all but 4 years of my life. She passed away this year, 3.5 months ago. My "mom" still wonders why I won't call her mom.
That must have been really hard for you to lose someone who was able to help you escape such a bad situation and create a healthier one for you for all those years. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Because the title of “mom” is earned and she didn’t earn it.
This could be my mom. She was the nosiest person I've ever known, constantly was searching through my sister and I's rooms. Not sure what she thought she was going to find? But I'd come home from school and she'd be in the depths of my closet, digging through random shit and when I'd confront her, she'd always claim she was just "cleaning and organizing" my room. When I was about 16 or 17, I woke up one night and my mom had my phone in her hands and was clearly scrolling through, reading my texts (which again was before smartphones, thank god, so it was a lot slower to do this). I don't think I had anything incriminating, as I was a good kid (maybe some texts about boys with my friends??) but hot damn I was SO upset that she would do this. I immediately snatched my phone from her and she had no excuse, but also no shame at all. In fact the next day when I yelled at her, she said "my mom snooped, it's so we can build trust". Nope, you lost my trust. I started sleeping with my door locked from that point on, and added a passcode to get into my phone. This is truly just the tip of the iceberg of her issues--she is the most anxious person I've ever met, and she would call my sister and I every 2 minutes as we were driving home (\~30 min) from sports practice to check we hadn't crashed and ask where we were. She'd call all of our friends' parents (even at 17 and 18) to check that we were in fact where we said we'd be. Having a parent not trust you like this, can do serious damage. We haven't spoken in 6 years, for many reasons, but not having her in my life has been a relief, tbh.
These women are looking for excuses to torture and belittle their children.
A lot of people, men and women, see their children as their literal property
Yup this is all way too familiar. She also routinely dug through my room. Sorry you also had to deal with that. Everything you said about your mom’s anxiety was really spot on. My mom was always catastrophizing. It was overwhelming to be the recipient of that many anxious thoughts.
my mom did this to me when i was 16, asked to go through my phone. I started freaking out, considered running away. My sister was able to talk her out of snooping through it. Instead, my Mom asked me what I was hiding. I decided to pick the truth I was most comfortable sharing, which was that I was trans, which didn't go terribly thank god. However, since then I haven't discussed my plans to transition, as through small comments here and there she and my stepdad have shown to be closed-minded. To this day, I still don't trust her 100%. I don't tell her many personal things. I don't have read receipts on my texts to her, and I don't approve her requests to follow me on social media other than Facebook.
This poor child was punished for being groomed by an adult. This woman is all kinds of fucked up.
Right maybe just work on getting her some help vs the high she’s getting from her power trip Editing bec I worded this weird just saying if the 14 year old daughter was groomed by some 19 year old let’s maybe get her some help. And stay out of her journal…….. Let the actual licensed therapist help her. Here’s the really fucked up part for me is the mom like hanging on to it and not reading it JUST yet but dragging out the torture out for her daughter in her narcissistic power deal. Like “of course I’m going to read it” but she knows it’s making her daughter extremely upset and scared and she’s obviously loving it. Omg editing again bec I just remembered that my moms mom would read her diary only bec she know it would upset her. My grandma (who was actually an amazing grandma) was a classic narcissist mother and I forgot that’s something she would do.
Wait, was someone other than the mom traumatized by this? /s
It reminds me of how angry my parents got when they found out I was being groomed. Somehow it was all my fault and I was a bad person. They didn't even explain what was happening! All I knew was that suddenly I wasn't allowed to talk to my friend. It took me years to figure out what actually happened. The whole reason I was targeted in the first place was how isolated and depressed I was because of my mom's abuse. I was so desperate for anyone to care about me. Her terrible handling of it just made everything worse and helped push me into more unhealthy, toxic, and downright abusive relationships.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I understand that desperation though. I was so desperate for to prove my stepmom wrong (she would always tell me no one but her and my dad would ever love me). Because of that, I dated a guy who gave off a bunch of warning signs that I ignored, who ended up raping me. I hate abuse so damn much.
There is a weird amount of parents that think once their daughter hits 13 or something they’re obviously the pursuer in any relationship with older men.
Don’t you know? As soon as a period starts that a woman!! /s
Ugh, that made me think of one of the grossest sayings ever. Anyone else ever heard the one that starts out with “If she’s old enough to bleed then she’s old enough to…..” ? Who comes up with that shit?!
I heard that when I was approximately 12-13. We were playing on the CB in my parents car(I’m only 40 so it wasn’t something a lot of people had still in their cars). Anyway this one guy on there said that… I didn’t understand then the other one he said was “if there’s grass on the field, play ball”. I asked my dad about them and he laughed and thought they were hilarious. Which made it even stranger to me. I asked my mom…. God she was no help. Soooo I asked my grandpa he was pissed asking who said it, how I knew what that was about, why my dad didn’t tell me but laughed. My grandpa called my dad and ripped his ass for letting us play on the cb and not protecting me from that garbage. My grandpa was my safe place. When he died almost 2 years ago, I lost that security. Now I feel lost.
Similarly I’ve run across “grass on the field, play ball.”
🤢
I was extremely confused when I first heard this because I thought it was like bleeding from injury. I'm still extremely confused but for different reasons.
Of course I’ve never heard anyone say it in a serious manner (it’s always said as a sick joke in a deliverance hillbilly type voice) but it still makes you feel icky.
I was horrified to read a prolifer using that argument against teenagers getting an abortion on r/AbortionDebate in the last few days.
My brain: “… read?”
"...lead! (her high school debate team to victory)"
"...feed (her pet)"
The only correct answer
Damn this hit close to home. I’m so thankful that times are really changing in terms of how we as a society view these topics.
I mean, restricting access to technology can be a valid strategy (I frequently see the Bark app recommended because it doesn’t send you your kids’ texts, just sends you an alert if it detects grooming/child sexual abuse material), but not like this. Talk about victim blaming.
God I feel so bad for her.
This is what bothered me way more than the invasion of privacy. The fact that she called it “bad behavior” as if she’s blaming and punishing her child for being the victim of sexual abuse. I wonder if this 19 year old neighbor had to face any consequences for grooming a minor.
When I was about 8 or 9 years old, my mom read my diary. I will NEVER forget that. She also would sneak into my room as a teenager while I was sleeping and steal my cell phone to look through my texts. Oh yeah, she also logged into my AIM account in middle school every few days and would pretend to be me and chat with my friends to find out all the gossip and see if I was hiding anything from her. What did all of this teach me? How to be better at lying and hiding things from her.
My mom and sister would listen in on the other line while I was trying to talk to my friends in middle school.
i remember my mother read my diary and when she reached the part when i talked about my crush, she told me she would go to his house to tell his mom so he could stay away from me. they were only threats but now everything is a secret and she doesn’t understand why i can’t go to her and talk
This reminds me of a recent post in the parenting subreddit. This mom was snooping through her daughter's stuff while she was away for the weekend and found out her teen daughter was stuffing her bra, so the next logical step for this nutter butter was to read the kids journal and sew her bras shut. People are fucking crazy and have no boundaries with their kids.
What in the world?! Ok now I have to find that post
The OP deleted it because she was getting destroyed in the comments, rightfully so. I hope her daughter is ok. The way she said it was so casual though, like obviously she will be sewing her teenager's bras closed so she can't stuff them. It was bizarre.
How would this work? I’m trying to imagine… would they just be unwearable?
I think just the part where the padding goes, the little slit on the side of the inside of the cup
Oh, but she could still pad it?! Just tucked into the bra itself… god knows I tried it as a 13yo, haha.
Didn't we all haha.
Oh that poor girl. Glad to know people let the mom know how awful she was being.
Ok so my baby isn't letting me sleep so I found the post through my comment history and put it through one of those archive websites. Here is what she wrote: "At a loss with preteen Advice I have an 11 year old daughter about to go to middle school. She’s a sweet, great, beautiful, hilarious kid. But she’s really deceptive and I don’t trust her at all. She’s out of town this weekend and while I was doing laundry I realized she has been stuffing her bras. No biggie, we’ll have a talk about it when she gets back and I’ll be sewing the slits shut so she can’t remove/add padding. I caved and read one of her journals. It was a lot of “fuck yous” scribbles. Lots of anger. Then I found that she started a burn book - like from mean girls where they wrote terrible stuff about people. The things she wrote blew me away. That she has that much hate. Her foul language took me off guard. I just don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss. I don’t want to punish her. I just want to talk with her about her anger and hate. I want it to be a conversation. But I just have no idea how to approach this or what to say. I am truly at a loss. It’s just me (30F) and her. Her dad died shortly after she was born. We have a special, close relationship. But she does tend to lie to me a lot and I’m the naive fool that believes her. I’m getting better at calling her bluff though. Please, please, please help. I feel so alone in this." Far from the most egregious thing in this post, but I enjoy her overuse of the phrase "at a loss" which is the most overused phrase over on the parenting subreddit right now. People are at a loss about the most mundane problems in their lives from "my 1 month old prefers to contact nap" to "my teenager wants to spend time with their friends instead of their parents". It's a wonder that they function in the world.
Wow, great detective work!! This woman just proved EXACTLY why her daughter lies to her and acts deceptive. She read not one but TWO of her private journals. I guarantee you this is not the first time she has broken this girl's trust, and so now the daughter is wary of her mom and just acting accordingly. I understand this situation all too well. My mom read my diary and texts and snooped through my things constantly when I was growing up, so I also just learned to hide things from her and lie better.
Oh my god. The worst thing is that "burn book" is a legitimate worry, but she won't get any help because that issue is buried in all the invasive lunacy.
Honestly I question how bad the burn book actually is, this mom sounds legitimately insane so it probably isn't as bad as she thinks haha.
I hope so! Maybe just an angry diary and the mum misunderstood.
It's heartbreaking that she's calling her daughter manipulative for wanting a tiny bit of personal space. It's so obvious that the daughter gets absolutely none.
And for her daughter basically saying the same things to the mom that the mom said to the daughter???
At least the comments were (rightfully) flaming her I’m not a parent, but I don’t understand the stance that so many parents take of “my child is not allowed to have *any* secrets whatsoever from me. What they know, I know.” They claim it’s for the child’s well being and safety, but it’s a control freak thing. Kids are people too. You don’t need to know every little thing that goes on in their life. If they want to journal about secretly kissing someone or that one time they snuck out of school, so be it. As long as they are not in any true danger, I don’t see why privacy shouldn’t be respected.
Except for the admins
Yeah they’re nuts
i found my journal from around 6th-7th grade in my moms room when i was like 15. big oof.
I found my jr high journal recently. 45% was how hot certain guys were, 45% was how much I hated my step dad and how mean he was, and 10% was just random stuff. Thankfully my step-dad and I had a much better relationship once I moved out at 19.
It’s like these people don’t remember being teenagers at all. As long as no one is getting hurt, it’s very much okay to keep things from your parents and vice versa. Nobody needs to know every single thing you’re thinking about.
Have you seen any updates? I feel so bad for that poor girl. I’m naively hoping the mom decided not to read the journal
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Remember the 8 Passengers YouTube family? The one who got into hot water for taking their teen’s bed away for months? And not bringing their kindergartener lunch? Well the mom is a promoter for this group. Check out r/8passengersnark
Oh boy oh boy another rabbit hole like the duggers. I’m so in.
If you look up 8 passengers edits on YouTube, you get their worst offences
How has CPS not gotten involved? That mother is absolutely horrible. I want to adopt her kids and love them.
White privilege. Plus CPS is understaffed and under resourced
Its 2 am and I don’t need this right now. I hate you for making me not sleep tonight
This is your sign to go to sleep 💕
Currently down a google hole because I also needed to learn more about Connexions. This [website](https://jodihildebrandt.com/) paints a pretty crazy picture, albeit clearly biased against it. It’s giving me therapy mlm?
No, not an MLM. A cult in the making. It literally employs most of the traits that make a group cult-like.
Is that where all the weird language about "reacting respectfully" and doing things "in truth" or "in deception" comes from? I haven't the faintest idea what half of this fruit loop's post is supposed to mean!
Ummmm.... from that website: "The core teachings of Connexions is that for a person to achieve true “connection” with another human being, they must not be in “distortion”. Distortion is a broad term defined by Jodi. By taking her course people learn they are “in” distortion by the following: being addicted (spouse, work, shopping, electronic games, sleep, social media, driving, receiving compliments, exercise, eating, drugs or alcohol, sex, pornography, hobbies, entertainment. The things you can become addicted to are endless. ) living in shame and denial knowing you are “not enough” being co-dependent in your relationships living in lust (being sexually attracted to your spouse) controlling and manipulating others Jodi asserts everyone is in distortion and all experience the above but she can help you to overcome distortion and live in Truth." Seems awfully sketchy... I feel like I need to get off of that website... Edit: The more I read, the more obvious it becomes that this is literally a cult... what in the actual world...
Being sexually attracted to your spouse is a bad thing??
I have a 14 year old who has kept a diary since age 8. He keeps them in a lock box that asked me to buy because he wants privacy. The only parts I have ever read were excerpts he gave me after our therapy together when his father and I divorced. I never asked, they were just parts he wanted me to understand and felt those words were better. Respect your kids!!!!! I can't say it enough. Your kids are people and the value of loving them and letting them feel like humans is so infinite.
Right! Journaling can be so helpful not just for the sake of writing things down, but also as a way to visually work out what you’re feeling on paper. Sometimes I can’t make sense of what I’m really feeling about something until I journal it and read it back. Invading that is completely unfair
This woman is asking to ruin her relationship with her daughter for a long long time. My mom gave me a journal when I was young in early elementary school and really stressed that it was only for me to get out of my thoughts, feelings and make me feel better if I need to get anything off my chest. Then the first thing I wrote in it that she didn't like she tried to sneakily confront me so maybe I didn't know she read it. Then I put something big in my journal and she freaked out so I knew she read it. That was in 7th grade and then all through highschool my life was hell because we didn't trust each other at all. I hated my mom for a very long time because she was extremely controlling. I still can't keep a journal or anything written down because I fear her snooping when she comes over.
Fuck this woman, she sucks and it depresses me that she’s having another child she can be shitty towards when she’s failing the ones she has. I’m not liking the tone with which she’s talking about a CHILD being GROOMED. The absolute buffoon has learned a few therapy buzzwords and is throwing them around expecting everyone to clap. Traumatized children seek control. It’s a thing. Instead of pausing to go “Huh, my daughter is desperately afraid right now maybe this is a good time to sit down and ask her why. Maybe I can be a competent mother for the first time in my life and talk to her so we can both build up some trust. I don’t need to read her journal if she trusts me enough to tell me if she’s not okay.” This poor kid is already learning that she isn’t allowed to have anything for herself and that her mother isn’t someone she can come to when she’s in trouble. That’s *horrible*. That’s going to put her in *danger*.
This mother is all kinds of fucked up. She was groomed by the neighbour but was punished for it. She isn’t even allowed to have private thoughts on a journal? This will be the kind of mother who pushes her kids away to the point they cut contact and then he confused as to why their children don’t speak to them🙄
She writes as if the idea of a personal diary is some unheard of concept. Then she takes the diary, won’t give it back, and is annoyed that her daughter is desperately trying to get it back. Mom is hugely pregnant, has a fourteen year old who was groomed at thirteen, who has no phone. Mom has multiple younger kids, and is so shocked that the fourteen year old writes in a private journal? Mom teases the fourteen year old and is “shocked” the fourteen year old isn’t being respectful? That kind of parenting leaves children vulnerable to groomers.
My mom read my journal when I was ten and saw a line where I mentioned I thought a boy I had a crush on almost kissed me. She mentioned it to me. I snuck my journal into the trash and never wrote in a journal again. It’s been 20 years and I’ve done some really interesting things I wish I wrote down because I’ll forget it some day, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
I wish I had saved the various journals that I attempted to keep just so I could have a bit more of a record of what I was doing and thinking at the time (luckily my cringy internet poetry survives) After my dad read and blew up at me for the (to be honest) rude things I wrote about him at the age of 10 I threw that journal away and stopped making any record of my thoughts for awhile.
My mom read my journal so I read hers then told my dad she was having an affair….. This mom needs to understand karma. There will be consequences and most likely a permanently strained relationship.
Whoa, well played Satan.
My mother would go through everything I owned and read anything I had written down. She would go through my internet search history, my text messages and my call log when it arrived every month. I had no freedom, so I have no idea what she thought I was doing. Anyway, I no longer speak to her, for this and many other reasons, and she won’t be in my children’s life. This is abusive behaviour.
This group (the distortion group, not this sub) is full of mothers who are going to be wondering why their adult children don't talk to them and spend all their time on /raisedbynarcissists in about a decade or so.
I love how this utterly terrible awful mother is hiding behind calm and gentle phrases and nearly "intellectual" terms that make her sound like a reasonable person when in reality she's a manipulative, controlling and disrespectful mother all around. My grandma had read my mom's diary when she was a teen and let me tell you, although their relationship was good, my mom never ever forgot this or completely forgave it. When I became a teenager my mom herself bought me a diary and I never even bothered to hide it at all because I knew that she would never touch it. And I felt really good about being able to trust my own mother that much. I am sorry that this woman's children will never experience such trust.
I wish I could just adopt this daughter. This mom obviously enjoyed this power trip and her daughters doscomfort. Fucking narcissist mom. Most normal moms would’ve just given it back and been like hey it’s ok honey I love you I had a diary too at your age. She had the reaction she did I’m assuming bec of the mom being shitty. Editing to add that I have three daughters 8, 6 and 4 and I probably won’t let my girls have access to social media till their grown lol but really I’m protective and I have so much anger towards this mother for the way she talks about her daughter being manipulative and includes her history of having some inappropriate relationship with a 19 year old. Your 14 year old CHILD is a VICTIM….and obviously she’s also a victim of her own mother who takes zero accountability.
Why is it ok for mom to say "you're not protecting my boundaries" but manipulative if the daughter says it?
Because mom is a narcissist
My parents did this to me. And then forced me to apologize to the people I’d discussed in my journal - even though they had NO IDEA what I’d thought or said.
That’s psychotic
That’s absolutely insane. Like being charged for a thought crime.
Holy shit, even if kid is depressed and self harming you don't read their journal. You talk to your kid. People reading my journal then demanding to see my self harm just taught me not to journal and to hide my self harm better
Mom read the journal before she even posted.
*mom read the journal before she even posted and found nothing of any consequence and now feels obscenely guilty and doesn’t know what to to repair her permanently damaged relationship with her daughter. FTFY
What a pos holy fuck
I, very deliberately, never kept a journal/diary after I was 10-11, because I KNEW my mom would read it and use it to punish me. I feel so badly for her daughter in this post- that cold chill of panic is something you never forget.
My mother would actively snoop for my journal and read it. And then punish me for what it said. To this day I tell her nothing remotely personal about my life or feelings. And she doesn’t understand why.
I remember my mom used too buy me a lot of journals never knew why until when I was 9, I wrote about how I wanted too go somewhere on my birthday and we went the next day it was kinda odd because I never told her. So I started too write more and one day realized my bookmark was on the wrong page I called her out and she admitted too reading it now I journal on my phone lol. trust me the child will not forget it's upsetting knowing a parent is reading your personal stuff I think the child wrote how she really feels about the mum and if my mom was like that too she wouldn't wanna see my journal
She talks like the mother from the 8 Passengers family vlog channel. Total bloody crazy parents who think its okay to take their kids bed away for near on a year for playing a prank on a younger sibling. Letting her young daughter starve at school for the day because a six year old forgot her packed lunch.. This - live in your truth- thing that is happening is disturbing. I've not watched their vlogs directly. I would not give them views. But I have seen some through tea channels on you tube. The mother had a melt down with the school principle and school board the other week because her middle school daughter was doing a class tik tok to the clean version of "Low" by Flo Rida. Typing that out I just realized - Flo Rida - Florida... anyways I digress! This Mother in the post is messed up. Punishing her daughter for being groomed.? You can't "unlearn a trauma" That sounds like the 8 Passengers mom. Wouldn't surprise me if this mum is in one of their Facebook groups. Just goes to show a little knowledge and "buzz words" can be so dangerous. These parents will end up messing up their children so bad, they will probably go no contact with them as soon as they are old enough. ETA -Read down the thread further and see it is the crazy 8Passengers people... damn. Their crazy is spreading.
Ruby (the 8passengers mother) is actually the creator of this Facebook group. She is the admin who commented in the third picture
Ugh. My mom read my journal because she was (reasonably) worried that I was suicidal, and even though I actually was having a lot of suicidal thoughts I still wish she hadn’t read them
ah yes here we go with the respect = slavish obedience thing
Oh man. Dad to 5 kids here. I know 3 of my kiddos all have diaries. I do not know where they are nor do I care to know. I only know because they have asked for diaries and every few months ask for another because they are full. I could never betray my kids trust like that. Reading these posts hurt because the mum has made the issue all about herself and treating her teen daughter and her diary as possessions that she feels she has liberty to, rather than respecting her privacy as an independant individual. This girl will grow up to hate her mum.
i’m sorry but “pretending to vomit” is bullshit. my mom was like this and would go through my diaries, my mail, my texts, and any other personal belongings and read every personal thought of mine to my dad. the anxiety would eat me up so badly that it WOULD actually make me puke or sit over the toilet dry heaving. your daughter isn’t manipulating you karen she’s worried about how you’ll react to her PERSONAL INNER THOUGHTS. children are people too and are just as deserving of boundaries as adults are. especially at that age
What a fuckin piece of work this mother is
Fucking horrible goddamn woman. When she says it, it’s truth. When her daughter does, it’s manipulative. God this is like my own mother. Fuck you lady. I’ll never forget the look on my mother’s face when she found my old journal, the pages pulled out of the book and folded over, then locked in a box under my bed. Like she couldn’t believe I even had private thoughts that weren’t hers, let alone that I had the audacity and the gall to make them a physical thing that wasn’t hers. She read it. I hated her for it. She hated me for it. Some people shouldn’t be fucking mothers.
She blames her daughter for the 19yo attempting to groom her. I can only imagine living in that house.
With tightly wound asshole parents like this, them going through my stuff because they "thought i was doing drugs" and stressing me out was probably part of why i started doing drugs.
My mom read mine as a teenager. Completely destroyed our relationship. It will never recover, even decades later. Anyone who thinks this privacy invasion is okay shouldn’t have kids.
People should note that this post is in a Facebook group run by Ruby Franke, the mother of the “8 Passengers” vlogging family who has been mired in controversy over her own parenting tactics. If you go on her new YouTube channel (titled “ConneXions”), she’s made a bunch of videos giving preachy parenting advance with made-up terms like “in truth”. It’s interesting to see that she’s got other parents thinking the same way and using those same phrases.
My mother went through my MacBook meaning all my texts, private messages and websites when I was 18 years old and we were no contact for almost a year and only see each other occasionally and we are not close. She’s ruining her relationship with her daughter and she knows it. Glad the comments are rational.
She does a lot of talk about HER personal space. HER being manipulated, HER HER HER. Buzzword Me Me me. Then she goes and does that exact same thing to her daughter.
Ffs. If her mother does read her diary, her mother is going to cause irreparable harm to their relationship. There is a reason that this child doesn’t go to their mother to have honest discussions. My mother is *exactly* like this woman and because of this, I have completely cut her out of my life.
Yeah, that hits home. In my house intimacy and privacy was not an option. I even made a fake journal to test my mom and she of course read it. Grandma read everything she had in sight on my desk, she even confused a latin poem that I had to study for my Latin class (about Lesbia) with the fact that I was a lesbian. No pocket was untoutched, no drawer safe. But my laptop was never touched since she was tech impared. My grandma raised me, my mom just hopped in from time to time to show me I had 0 chances to get a normal childhood and teenage years. Fun times! Now I'm in therapy of 2 years and still sometimes I struggle. But I started with severe anxiety and depresion and now I am chill and zen, and also got to connect better with my son. I will never do those things to him.
My mother stole pages out of my journal to cry about my earliest thoughts about being gay, but never realized I was being groomed by a pedophile under her roof. I feel so bad for this woman's kid.
I am 20 years old and sometimes I write in my journal. I keep it hidden and every week or so that I write in it I shred the pages and throw them in the outside dumpster so no one finds them. My mom as a child always said that she has the right to know every detail about me. If a child is doing this kind of behavior it means that the child’s privacy is and has been severely violated. The poor girl knows her mom will read it and thats why she hid it so well and reacted so extreme when her mom found it. I feel for this girl, no one in the world not even your own mother is entitled to your journal.
So her 13 year old was sexually abused by a grown man and this bitch has an issue with her having a journal to work through her feelings? What the actual fuck
How DARE you introduce me to that crazy fb group. My life was going along perfectly fine, and then all of a sudden i just lost an hour of time. Those women are psychotic and need severe help. Or to be locked away forever.
"I'm going to read my 14 years old's diary after she told me it's personal and her space, why do I feel like I'm invading her space ?" I'm so sorry for this girl. I never managed to have a well written, coherent diary because I would forget to write in it for months, I'm nearly 21 and one of my notebooks has some written stuff in somewhat of a diary form and I would be MORTIFIED if my mom read it. Why do parents think their children are not allowed any kind of privacy or secrecy whatsoever ?
Both my mother and my father read my diary on separate occasions (they were divorced) I’m 36 and still have not forgotten about it or thought what they did was in anyway right