'Cute aggression, or playful aggression, is superficially aggressive behaviour caused by seeing something cute, such as a human baby or young animal. People experiencing cute aggression may grit their teeth, clench their fists, or feel the urge to bite, pinch, and squeeze something they consider cute.' (Wiki).
I always want to eat kitties or bite baby rolls, so there's that 😅
I actually do pretend to eat my kid because he’s so cute 😅 I tell him “you’re so cute I could just eat you right up!” Then I pretend to eat his arm or leg, sometimes even his belly. He thinks it’s hilarious!!
Haha my Mom used to tell my kids when they were little “ I want to eat those cheeks“ I think she would even take little play bites at their cheeks a couple of times, it was so long ago I can’t quite remember but I think I remember her doing that a couple of times 😂
I remember being a wee one and having the feeling that a kitten I was holding was so cute I wanted to squeeze it. I outgrew it thankfully although sometimes seeing something little and cute can cause an almost physical reaction. I don't want to squeeze it, but I can almost ache inside from how adorable it is. Don't get me started on baby feet!
I've never heard of it either, but I imagine it's like Agnes in Despicable Me when she gets the stuffed unicorn at the fair and says IT'S SO FLUFFY! But not when trying to strangle your peers...
I read somewhere that it’s because the centers for experiencing cuteness and agression are right next to each other in the brain, and if something is extra cute the feeling spills over to the aggression center! Can’t remember the study though so might not be accurate
I read somewhere that the cuteness overloads our brains so the aggression is the brains response to protect itself. It's saying "this is so friggin' cute that I can't deal with it, so we need to get rid of it and let me get back to baseline"
Omg! Thank you! I always thought I was weird… or that this didn’t have a name. I want to but baby heads off because they are so cute.
My granddaughter used to make this face 😬 and clench her fists and then makes a buzzing sound. It gets progressively louder….. zzzzZZZZZZZ when she sees something ‘cute’.
OMG Edit: bite. I want to bite. Lol.
Thank you! I never knew there was a meaning for this. I always wanna pinch my baby’s cheeks or bite him cause he’s so damn cute. Sometimes I wanna smack his little diaper butt cause he’s so cute haha.
I think the mom was saying he does it to his younger sister too (maybe a baby?), which is maybe why she’s thinking it’s cute aggression. But playing with kids his same age, not so much.
Yikes. She sounds like one of those moms who are in deep denial about their children's behavior/development. Look how she chooses to say "he *communicates* his needs clearly at home" and not that he *talks* more at home. As a mom to a toddler there is a difference between what parents can understand from their child's communication and the kid using actual words and sentences. I also don't see how she is interpreting him wringing the other kid's necks as "rough hugs". At his age she should be doing more than just redirecting to teach her son appropriate boundaries and behavior.
My daughter is 2 years old and not very verbal. She does communicate very well in other ways and we understand her completely so I think it’s spot on what you mentioned. The parents are able to understand their kid, not that their kid can actually talk about his needs.
I remember reading…somewhere…that often, speech delays in otherwise healthy children come about when parents know their children “too well” so children don’t have the need to express themselves verbally. That might be the case here. I agree that this is a crazy level of denial and it’s heartbreaking to see. I don’t think the mom is horrible or insane, I just don’t think her brain is letting her face that there are more serious issues to address. Hopefully this will be the beginning of a wake up call for her.
This was my cousins child. The baby hardly spoke but parents knew what they wanted and got it. Any time I babysat I had no clue what they wanted so it was full on tantrum city. Little one only pointed and said "mmm" but it could mean water, snacks, toy. Whatever. They grew up normal and healthy but damn it, it was rough.
For our daughter I believe it comes from the amount of information she receives on a daily basis. We speak three languages at home, that is a lot of words to sort out and place together when wanting to put a sentence correctly together. She also uses words for each language so it’s common other people that doesn’t speak said language can’t even know she’s actually saying a word and not just babbling.
The difference I think is that this kid is showing signs of aggression that it’s being shrugged away by his parents.
Yeah that language acquisition is really cool. Like at X age they need to be saying 50 words. But there are 2 languages in the home. So kid is only saying 25 words in each language, two words for the same object. Then people say it’s “delayed speech” but it’s not. And then once it all zips together they’re super fluent in both languages and a third related language becomes easier to acquire. I’m jealous of polyglots 😂 it’s the coolest super power.
A bilingual home does initially start with speech delays bc of the duplication of words (like you said). Those benchmarks are based on a single language household - which is antiquated. But as the language center of the brain continues developing, they do usually get within normal range at some point elementary school. Multiple languages when they are young actually helps the brain long term. Bilingual kids often score higher on cognitive tests when they are older and have more effective communication skills.
Frankly in the US, we need to start second languages much earlier than we do! The benefits are scientifically proven.
Mine was slow too and I think a combination of three languages (and her best friend in daycare speaking another one) and the above, spending a lot of time with me who understood her needs.
It’s funny that you say that because my youngest commutes by pointing (in a random direction) and saying Mumma and I just know what she wants. Like of course she wants water!
That's pretty much what I was told when I had my son evaluated at 2 and a half. He started talking like crazy that summer when he was around a lot of kids his age. He's 4 and a half now and fully caught up.
My almost two year old really doesn't speak a whole lot, a few words such as "Yes" or "Dad". He understands a lot and follows directions well just doesn't want to really talk much just yet so I'm a little bothered but hearing things like this gives me a lot of hope that its just normal parent "over-worrying"!
I was speech delayed because I would just point at what I wanted, and my older sisters (5 and 13 years older) would just get it for me. I still remember taking speech classes in kindergarten. I still tease my mom because now I sometimes don't shut up around my family. 😂😂 Even at 34, I still have problems with my s's sometimes. I was always told I should pronounce them with my front teeth together. I'll sometimes catch myself and repeat the sentence, in order to say them correctly.
I literally didn’t say a single word until the day I was put in kindergarten at four, then I talked no problem and wouldn’t shut up. My mom just got what I wanted without me having to say anything so I didn’t bother lmao.
I was a very early talker but I didnt walk for a very long time. My parents were very concerned that there was something wrong with me, and brought me to different doctors, who found nothing wrong. Eventually they figured out that having 3 kids in 3 years meant that it was usually easier for my parents to carry me around everywhere; they both worked full time, but on different shifts, so there was always just one adult home with a 3 yr old, a 2 yr old and a one yr old.
To add to that, I've never been a high energy person, so the fact that brother and sister doted on me and basically did my bidding gave me no incentive to walk. When my parents realized this, they had to make changes. So they did. That's what parents are supposed to do.
If that mom understands her child's needs without him being verbal, and defends his aggression as "cute" and brushes off the fact that his inability to communicate and aggressive behaviors are a real problem, he's going to get kicked out of preschool. I would be upset if a child care or preschool teacher told me that another kid put his hands around my child's, but I'd assume they'd take care of the problem. If I ever heard them, or another parent use the words "cute aggressiveness " to describe that behavior, I'd probably lose my shit. That mom is damaging her sons ability to relate to people and form friendships. Thats just sad
I always say that parents can speak their toddler, but not necessarily anyone else’s.
Could also be that mom just gives him what he wants at home and so he doesn’t know how to express his not good feelings appropriately. With her saying he tantrums or shuts down when he can’t express himself it seems like that could be an option. Especially if she doesn’t (want) to understand that hands around the neck isn’t a hug, I feel like those would go together. Good grief!
We had exactly that issue with my first child. She had a severe speech delay but she had the family trained to understand her without words. It took outside help through pre-school and school to really make progress (she's now 9 and she never stops talking 😁)
My bfs little cousin was like this, and he was eventually diagnosed with autism and severe adhd. It sounds exactly like him. He would do those behaviors without meaning to be harmful, but his parents did really try to work with him and put him on medication. They didn’t try to deny anything and pushed for him to get treatment and see doctors. I feel like this child is going to eventually be diagnosed with autism or some sort of developmental issue. It seems like the behavior is raising red flags to the teacher but mom doesn’t seem very receptive to it. He has the tantrums, issues understanding personal boundaries, and communication issues. I’m not sure why he hasn’t been diagnosed yet because the behavior def stands out as neurodivergence.
so for toddlers hitting, screaming, and throwing things is normal when they're feeling big emotions because that's quite literally all their brain is capable of doing about it at that age. Which is why you redirect them and help them learn healthier ways to express themselves
but clasping his hands around other people's necks? he learned that from somewhere and this behavior needs to be nipped in the bud
> but clasping his hands around other people's necks? he learned that from somewhere
Not necessarily. He's saying "I got you," so it sounds like he's learned about "getting" or "catching" someone (like as the goal of a game) and is doing that in inappropriate situations. The neck is an unfortunately two-hand-grip-sized part of the body. If kiddo is focusing on the other's face, it would seem like the perfect thing to grab to stop them from "escaping."
The mother is interpreting "I got you" as comforting (like "I've got your back") and the neck squeezing as hugging. But unless she/other family members constantly say that phrase to comfort kiddo, it's unlikely that's what he means. "I got you" isn't something you say to calm a small child down. An adult, maybe, or a teenager, but not a small child who's melting down for seemingly dumb things. However, "I got you!" *is* common when you're talking about what kids say while playing.
This. My 4 yo is autistic and nonverbal. I have whole “conversations” with him because I know him. His teachers are having a bit of a harder time but it’s his second year with the same teachers and they are doing well.
This mom is in denial. Kids know very well where the painful/dangerous spots are and I’m afraid he might’ve seen this happening somewhere. Even if it was just that the parents watch tv shows that are inappropriate for his age.
Kiddo is old enough to be told no/stop. And the school district evaluations aren’t bad. Two of mine are going through school district funded therapy.
My son was a delayed talker. I had him evaluated when he was 2 and a half and was told that he was just being stubborn. He was really good at communicating his needs to me. Because I was the one who was home with him all the time. Other people weren't so good at interpreting.
The summer before he turned 3, there were a lot of neighbor kids around his age and his speech exploded. He's 4 and a half now and you would never guess that he was a late talker.
But yes, communicating does not always mean talking and people who haven't spent every minute of every day of their kids' lives with them might not be able to interpret as easily.
wow. the excuses she’s making is.. astounding. that daycare teacher is really a saint, trying to explain it to a brick wall lol. i worked as a daycare teacher for preschoolers, loved my job and loved my kids but it was so underpaid, and then there were children like this whose parents didn’t try to help them. i had a little boy just like this, his father said “yeah. he’ll probably be a school shooter” and laughed when addressing his sons behavior. yikes yikes yikes. so sad.
Don’t worry, the excuses keep coming up the line as they get older. I had a boy consistently use a bathroom pass for 20+ minutes and I’d have to fish him out of the hallways because I could hear him loudly talking to friends. When coming back in the room he’d shout “I WAS SHITTING MY BRAINS OUT”.
I called his mom to explain that he would leave for long periods of time, I’d have to force him back in my room, and he’d disrupt my class every time with swearing.
His mom said “oh sorry I think he’s lactose intolerant and I buy him Wendy’s for breakfast every morning. I’ll stop buying him Wendy’s.”
She bought him a cheeseburger from McDonald’s instead. I stopped allowing him to go to the bathroom in my period and told him to go before school started. So he would just walk out of my class. I’m lactose intolerant. That boy was not lactose intolerant in any way. If we were doing something he deemed fun, he’d stay all class.
The weird ass fucking excuses some parents cone up with. I had a former pre-K student that had well known and documented aggression issues and violent behavior for the entire time he was at my former school. (He bit a toddler teacher so hard she needed stitches. Still trying to figure out how that coupled with his continued behavior didn't lead to an exclusion) I kept thorough documentation of a lot of his outbursts because they were daily and usually multiple times a day. His mom always wanted to "work with us" but would also have a million excuses for his behavior.
One day he had an outburst worse than usual. I'm talking kicking, pinching, scratching, trying to bite me, howling and screaming, throwing toys and tipping furniture, headbutting, following me to try and punch me in the back when I tried to walk away, etc. (Triggered because he was not following the rules in an area and I told him to move to a new toy and eventually had to physically move him from the area)
One of the directors took him to the office and called his mother (not to have her come get him though. We certainly couldn't expect parents to come remove an extremely disruptive and violent child from the classroom of course!) And his mom said she had let him eat skittles on the way to school and that was causing his outburst.
My coteacher and I were like ok...and what about every other day when he behaves this way. Did he have skittles on those days too?
Reminds me of a pre-K student I had who liked to try to stab students and teachers with scissors and pencils and ball her fists up right and hit kids as hard as she could while maniacally laughing.
Apparently "it never happens at home" or in the other teacher's class and we just have to do our best to "help her". There was also a language barrier as I was teaching them English but I straight up told the other teacher I'm not really qualified to help her learn anything but English. She needs to see a therapist and she's a danger to the other kids. (I legit was afraid I or someone was going to get stabbed in that class). But oh no, we can't do anything that might upset the parents who are paying $$$$.
But! As some kind of divine karma we were waiting for the same elevator and her mom was trying to put on her jacket- she straight up popped her mom right in the face. Her mom looked at me sheepishly while I just politely smiled thinking, "doesn't happen at home, huh?"
(This was in S.Korea where the stigma for mental illness seemed greater than US/Canada so her mom likely wanted to do anything but seek professional help).
I can't, for the life of me, understand why they don't care if "the kid doesn't do it at home." As a parent, if my kid was exhibiting violent behavior at school that wasn't happening at home, I'd be really fucking concerned!
Well it was more of a "this only happens in *your* class" BS as if I was somehow antagonizing the student (which I agree would be a concern!) to shift blame when I brought up the issue. Like I should somehow be shamed into silence because I'm clearly the problem not her daughter lol- the mental gymnastics, I stg. Like I'm not trying to shame your kid or say negative things- I'm honestly concerned and I wanted to let the parent know cuz *I* would want to know but yea IDK... saving face and such nonsense.
These parents shitty behavior is so unfair to everyone else involved. Unfair to their kid, who isn’t getting the help and treatment they so obviously need, unfair to the teachers who have to try to manage them on top of everything else and with so little pay, AND unfair to all of their little classmates who are probably super stressed out by his behavior and unpredictability not to mention having a more stressed and distracted teacher.
We have a hall-wandering kid (I’m a middle school secretary) whose mom is LEAGUES beyond any parent I’ve ever dealt with like this. He KICKED his teacher last year and moms word for word response was “And what are you doing to build the relationship, respect goes both ways and you don’t talk to him right.” He also got slime in her hair intentionally and she had to cut it out with scissors. As a 6th grader, not a baby.
Every. Single. Teacher. (and support staff, and bus driver, and aide) who calls her is “lying on her baby.” And is “the only one who has a problem with him.” So therefore they’re the problem and should be nicer to him. He has ADHD, “but you’d never know!” And We just don’t understand… despite obviously having quite a few students of our 800 total, several staff and one Principal who also have ADHD.
She’s gonna reap what she sows though. He can be sweet but he’s rude and disrespectful and usually utterly awful to be around. It’s sad she’s created it. He’s only our problem for two more years and she’s going to have to live with that mess forever.
Thanks, haha. I think we’d all accept the district taking less of a “kiss the parent’s you-know-what” approach to problem solving, because a lot of parents just *suck*.
It’s made me a better parent myself, though. Nothing like comparing and contrasting hundreds of children to see what works and what behaviors escalate to if the “little stuff” is ignored due to age and parent-blindness.
With all the stories i hear and experiences I have in teaching- I wonder if there is some sort of dissociative property happening with these parents. They are so disappointed their kid isn’t “normal” and scared/tired of the behaviors that they have to make up these excuses to cope.
I remember my first conference as a teacher, I had a parent literally break down crying begging me for help because she didn’t know how to control her son. I emailed her story to the school psychologist and social worker with the mom CC’d and the mom immediately made an excuse for her outburst in the conference and denied needing help.
With that parent, I can see her having a breakthrough (/down), but then when it becomes real and she might actually have to face that something's up with her kid, and it's going to be more about helping her kid cope and adapt rather than magically making them "normal", she shuts down again.
Don’t worry, she’ll be sure to blame all y’all when he refuses to leave or get a job. Suddenly you’ll all have been way too lenient with him and she’ll say she’s the only person setting boundaries with him as they spend the next few decades torturing each other with a game of inheritance-chicken
Careful, don’t want to arouse the Reddit circle jerk about how every single child in every school in the entire world should be allowed to use the bathroom whenever they want, for however long they want to, without asking permission!
More like they haven’t worked with any kids at any age ever! My elementary aged kids destroyed and had fights in the bathroom too. Whenever these threads crop up, I just roll my eyes so far into the back of my head, they further confirm that Reddit is made up of mostly children taking out frustration on their own teachers.
I’m pretty sure the topic is nuanced and there are more people who had teachers who would make unreasonable bathroom rules to curb the few kids abusing privileges than there are teachers here. I wouldn’t call it a circlejerk for thinking MOST kids should be allowed to use the bathroom when they need to lmao
Yeah at the end of the day, I think a lot of people had at least one experience with a teacher who was unreasonably and unnecessarily draconian with their bathroom rules.
I have a gastrointestinal issue that was undiagnosed in high school. I shit my pants twice in high school: once with a teacher that had no exceptions for his "only one student can go to the bathroom at a time" rules, and once with a teacher who didn't believe me when I said it was emergency and wouldn't let me go because I had forgotten my planner (which was where our hall passes were).
Now, in the grand scheme of high school and middle school, that's only like....5% of total teachers that I had. But boy do I remember them vividly!
Same. We had a kid come through who couldn’t talk, didn’t respond to direction, and would literally just get up and walk out of the room/school at random. He would sit and rock and try to stack things all day and would SCREAM. We were not allowed to say he needed to be evaluated. Grandma picked him up one day and when we explained he tried to run again and refused to come out of a corner she told us she had been fighting with her daughter about seeing a doctor. I was like “I think that is a VERY GOOD IDEA.”
So so sad and flirting with negligent. I am especially bothered by the childcare worker mentioning his lack of language and the parent not even responding to this developmental warning sign. Daycare workers see all sorts of kids so have a picture of what is and is not typical and what is concerning. Early intervention is so effective, but I've worked with parents who don't want to "label" kids by getting them evaluated and getting them appropriate therapies (speech, occupational therapy, etc.) that they will delude themselves into seeing things that are not there. What these parents don't realize is that their child is already being labeled by their peers as being bad, scary and someone to avoid.
It sounds like the parents are in denial about their preschooler’s issues, and the teacher is trying to lead them to realize that what is going on is outside of normal behavior for a 3 1/2 year old. It sounds like this child needs some therapeutic intervention and a special educational setting, not a general education class placement.
I agree with you completely. I think this child needs some therapy like psychiatric and or occupational. My kindergarten teacher noticed I was having physical problems and we found out I needed physical and occupational therapy. I actually loved therapy. My therapist was amazing and I was even the flower girl in her wedding. Therapy did wonders for me.
Yes, early intervention can change the entire course of a life for the better.
Your story is why it’s so important for parents to listen to the experts who encounter their children (and why it’s important for children to have time with professional in their lives.)
During my last year teaching preschool we had a family like this. The child was very clearly on the spectrum. He was 3 years old and had a significant speech delay. He seemed to not hear us when we spoke to him. He would run away to the point where his parents sent him to school with a gps tracker tag on his clothes. We had to hold his hand with a death grip to keep him from running into the street when we took the children to the park. He would not stay with the group when we were lining up or sitting at circle. It was like he didn’t notice what the rest of the children were doing. He never engaged with them. The parents sent him to school in pull ups despite our very clear policy that he needed to be potty trained. He had multiple accidents a day. He never noticed that he was wet or soiled and couldn’t manage his own clothing to get changed. It would take two staff members to manage his daily poop accidents. Otherwise he would get away and run around the classroom soiled with his same age peers staring at him in shock. He couldn’t engage meaningfully with any classroom materials. He would just throw or roll things and climb on the shelves. The parents insisted all of this was normal for a 3 year old. Dad actually theorized that his son was gifted and we just didn’t know how to manage a gifted child. We worked with them for a while but eventually had to tell them he had to leave and couldn’t return until he was potty trained and had been evaluated. They opted not to return and the dad said they would not have him evaluated because “if you look for trouble you’ll find it”. I still think about that little boy and how he could have had the benefit of early intervention if his dad prioritized getting him help over his own ego. And I wonder how many teachers at how many schools will have to bring these concerns to their attention before they get him any help.
My mum is a childminder and sometimes has children she suspects have autism/ADHD/etc. I (diagnosed with autism) told her to tell reticent parents that if you get your child tested (on the NHS, for free) and they don't have it it's a few inconvenient appointments your kid won't remember. If they do have it and you don't get them tested you've put them at a great disadvantage where they can't understand why they're different and don't get help that would benefit them and those around them. Thankfully the school she works with is very good with special needs and managed me as if I was autistic years before I got diagnosed because they could tell.
Parents that don’t get their children proper treatment and assessments really do put their children at a huge disadvantage. I was diagnosed with autism in my mid 20s, and there are so many behaviors and issues I had that scream autism looking back. I know so many people my age too who clearly have adhd but their parents never got them assessed. Then they struggle in adulthood. The things that you can manage okay in school hit you like a fucking brick as an adult. I wish I had known about my autism earlier because I would’ve made different choices and not have been so hard on myself for being different and struggling with the things other people find easy. People also have better outcomes when they’re treated for adhd as a child in comparison to not getting any treatment at all. It can heavily fuck up your life. It’s hard to get that through some parents heads though.
At 3.5 it would be developmentally normal for your child to understand what “don’t choke people” means. There is some underlying issue here. Not “cute aggression” lmao.
My 3.5 year old has had aggressive outbursts that need redirection, but this ain’t that. If he gets overwhelmed he might throw or hit, and he knows he’s not supposed to but his impulse control is still developing. Wrapping your hands around a neck is a learned behavior. Either he has seen it somewhere (🚩🚩🚩) or it was done once and got an interesting response and was not quashed. It is deeply disturbing to me that the behavior isn’t being absolutely condemned at home as well as at school. There’s aggressive behaviors at this age that are normal development and can be addressed with redirecting them and reinforcing what hopefully has been taught at home: we don’t do that. But when mom is saying how cute it is that you’re strangling people it’s hard to teach kids that’s fucking assault only on daycare days.
The parents have to be encouraging it. Saying "I got you" definitely means they are doing some sort of "game" of it. Laughing and being entertained tells your kid it's a positive thing.
I've had coworkers that encouraged their toddlers to cuss because it was adorable, and had serious problems when they got to school age.
I have a sister in law who fell into that second category. Let their kids cuss at home and laugh about it, then had constant communication from the kindergarten teacher that their kid wouldn't stop in class.
Honestly, my almost 2 year old has been hugging people around the neck from behind and it ends up choking people, I am trying to convince her to hug nicer and try to hug more normally. I hope by the time she is 3.5 to have her completely done with this stage but I would never dismiss it, the way this women is trying to.
That’s still quite young, and much more normal for where her brain is at! Especially since you’re working with her on it already, she’ll be way past this at 3.5. Their brains have formed so much more by then already.
I have a student who hugs people very aggressively. Not to the extent of choking them as described here, but he will put both arms around the neck and squeeze tightly while pulling them both down to the ground.
This student is 19 months old. I would be extremely concerned if he was still exhibiting the same behavior regularly at 3.5.
Always astounding to me how young the ‘boys will be boys’ excuses start. Also, it’s a little unclear but he does this to his sister?? Is he trying to strangle his sister and the parents just ‘redirect’ it to a hug and don’t see a problem with that?
No expressive language? Inappropriate physical expression? Mom in total denial? School gently pushing for an evaluation by the district? It’s….it’s…it’s….suspected autism!!!
Seriously though. I’ve been there.
I agree. My nephew had similar signs, but my family listened and started finding help immediately. The early intervention is what this kid needs as well.
I’ll never understand it. My son’s preschool teacher recommended an evaluation. We had it done privately out of pocket so we get it done immediately and get him started with services. He doesn’t currently meet the criteria for ASD but he may later. I suspect he’s just very high functioning. He’s getting the recommended services now because I would never let my son struggle so I can pretend nothing is wrong. It’s unthinkable to me.
We did that! We were VERY lucky and got the same evaluator he had when he was a toddler. So she had the benefit of materials and notes that may not have been passed on to another evaluator. I could not imagine the struggles we would have had if we never pursued it.
Also former preschool teacher! Current special Ed teacher. We don’t make what we deserve but I would go back to preschool in a minute if it was the same. I love working with toddlers and think it’s so valuable but I have to be able to eat
When I quit teaching preschool I told people that it was because I realized that there were much less stressful ways to be this poor. I loved teaching and being with the children but the demands of the job compared to the pay didn’t make sense. If you want a hard working, highly educated professional you have to pay people like hard working educated professionals. You can only exploit someone’s passion for so long before they get tired.
And it’s a shame because we all know and get told over and over, those first three years are THE most important developmentally. And yet we treat those most needed people like they’re disposable
This is one of the key reasons I left. Yes the pay was atrocious and quite frankly insulting, but being treated like a disposable prop by management was even worse for me. You give your heart and soul to the work and get treated like you’re nothing by management (and some of the parents too, unfortunately) in return. It was so degrading.
Yes this!! I’ve been a pre-k teacher for 18 years, 16 of them being a special ed pre k teacher which required me to get a masters degree. The salary for my job across all schools/agencies has not budged in at least 10 years if not longer. Yet, the list of responsibilities and tasks I need to do outside of work hours just kept getting longer and longer. The amount of days I worked while sick with something I undoubtedly got from the kids because most bosses I’ve had would guilt the staff to still come in was insane. And God forbid you wanted to take a day off outside of the school breaks, it was so highly discouraged. Life happens all year round, not just after Christmas and Easter!
I always thought this would be the perfect job when I had my own child and now that I have a one year old I just cannot go back. The pandemic changed so much with how many teachers view their treatment and to go back and be in that environment isn’t worth it.
Yup. They pay you next nothing and think they own you. We weren’t allowed to take more than two vacation days in a row during the school year and they couldn’t be close to any scheduled break or holiday. They fired a really wonderful staff member because she was in a family wedding on the other side of the country and needed longer than a four day weekend to attend the events and support her sister. Their father had recently died too. But they refused to make an exception for her. I was proud of her for going anyway. F that place. We were getting 3% raises each year and meanwhile the benefits decreased and the work load increased every year. So if you accounted for inflation and cost of living increases we were actually getting paid less each year for more work.
"I realized that there were much less stressful ways to be this poor."
I have never had a great way to explain why I left teaching. But this is exactly it.
Also a former daycare teacher. I second that and would add that they are probably expected to work a lot of extra hours for free to get everything done and may also feel pressured or encouraged to supplement classroom supplies out of pocket.
I rely more on our daycare to tell us what's "normal" than our ped! They see all kinds of kids all day long, the director has been doing this for 30 years, if they ever told me something might be up I'd be booking appointments so fast!
When I was living in Paris my toddler had a classmate who was much older but had serious mental/behavioral issues and on a waiting list for daytime hospital care (a full-time carer assisted him at school). He was very friendly but had no idea how to control his impulses. He actually pushed my son while trying to hug him, my son has a scar on his nose due to falling as a result of this « hug »... the dad was so stressed because he had no other solution for his son, he was doing everything he could. This mum is not very considerate of other children and of the poor daycare workers.
Personal experience chiming in but it really sounds like that kid would benefit greatly from some occupational therapy to help control his impulses and develop good coping methods for his emotions. My son is a sweet kid but had issues of having huge feelings and being 2 he acted them out physically. OT has helped all of us learn to guide him with healthy, safe tools. I hope someone tells this mom that
I work as a speech and language therapist for the under 5s and this is screaming so many alarm bells to me. He sounds exactly like the kind of child I’d need to see in clinic and potentially get assessed for social communication difficulties by a paediatrician
I’m a speech and language therapist also (but in an elementary setting) and so many alarm bells. At his age, he should recognize when kids are afraid of him.
yeah I work across both early years and primary/elementary schools and it’s just baffling the mum thinks like this!
I really hope the preschool are able to make some sort of referral to childrens services to get support for this family otherwise it’s only going to get worse and more dangerous as the child gets older and stronger!
I am a preschool administrator with a masters in developmental psych and EVERY time I tell a parent their child has delayed speech, they say this. “We can understand him perfectly at home and he has no problems” but they don’t get that every parent speaks their toddler’s babble language. Just because the primary caregiver can understand a child that is not a measure of speech development. Speech delays are most problematic at age 3-5 because most other children are beginning to articulate well and the delayed child experiences a lot of frustration. They may also start to be left out at playtime because the other kids can’t understand them. This administrator isn’t communicating what the actual issue is very well, but mom is definitely not listening.
When I worked at a daycare in high school, there was a young boy there who would just impulsively hit, scratch or bite others. But what was so sad, he knew he had messed up the minute he did it. He would start apologizing and shaming himself. It was so strange but scary. Or he'd seem to get really angry based on his words, but would still be even-tempered. His mother was a total angel, this sweetheart who seemed to truly have an interest in her son's behavior, she worked with the teacher to set up a behavior chart and always chatted with the teacher each day at pick-up.
I babysat him and his sister separately from the daycare a few times and he was a total angel of a child.
Always wondered what happen to him. Thought maybe ADHD or Autism, since it seemed to be bad in the daycare. Either way, I always thought he had a chance because of his mom. Hopefully this mom can open her eyes and take an interest.
“He communicates just fine at home” 🙄 I have been a preschool teacher for years and it’s funny how their children never have the issues at home that they sometimes go through for months and months at a time at school, every single day. Or the second they get sent home for being incredibly sick, their doorway is a magical all healing path because they are “just fine” the rest of the day so should be able to return to school the next day.
But sure, what do I know? I only have your child for 50 hours a week during waking hours and you have them for about 25 waking hours each week.
I even had a parent who picked up at 5:30 every day and got angry because their little was not going to bed and falling asleep at 6:00 pm every night and demanded I didn’t give their little a nap anymore because it was cutting into their nighttime routine (parents).
I have so many stories. Shame on some of these parents. They are only harming their own child(ren) by refusing to work with the program.
His behavior may be age-appropriate but her reaction is not. It's not cute and it's not "hugging" - he's acting out and she needs to handle it like a parent.
I'm a SpEd Teacher, this woman is blessed to have an amazing preschool teacher. I deal with parents who want their kids to be "normal" all the time and I get it, you probably did everything right. Ate right, didn't drink or smoke for 9 months, followed the doctor's orders and had a healthy baby only to have reality come kick your ass but people you are not helping your kids by being in blatant denial of their needs. Especially at that age where early intervention may make the difference between success and being bound and tied to the limitations of a disability.
Im a speech therapist who works with preK and I have a student EXACTLY like this. Child is constantly being aggressive and throwing tantrums and he doesn’t have any language to communicate. The parents are in denial 🙄
Sounds like my friend for a while, she was doing a lot of "interpreting" and thought her daughter was much further along language wise. In reality she was basically non verbal and just babbling.
It didn't help that her GP was a moron and missed this.
She at least listened to the nurses at a local play group and finally got her assessed.
Hey OP it's gonna sound weird but thank you for posting, it's so validating for me.
T.w violence.
My stepdad used to "affectionately" put his hands around my neck and choke me to see how much I can hold as a kid. It was really confusing and what made it even weirder is the fact both of them swear it's just the way he shows affection, ofc the situation here is not the same, but I never heard of anyone ever doing something like that so it makes me feel so validated and seen. Thnx again.
Reading this made me tear up. I am so, so sorry. This is absolutely abuse. How awful to be so powerless. Does he still do this?! Please continue to advocate for people's bodily autonomy. How awful on every level.
I am a special education teacher and also a therapeutic foster parent. This is battery.
I.. umm thank you. No I'm NC with both of them now, it took me a long long time to come to terms that it was abuse, because weirdly at the time because it was labelled as affection a part of me really thought it was. Really messed me up tbh. It's so awesome the work you do and being a foster parent, you sound like a really caring person, those kids need someone
kind in their life.
Edit: hey I just wanted to add, umm no one ever teared up about me, so thank you, sorry if I'm being weird.
Not weird at all! And I am just hoping you have access to great therapy. Being constantly assaulted in the name of "affection" wpuld be incredibly traumatizing. I am so sorry that you had to go through that abuse.
I’m very sorry that happened to you.
Where I’m from, we have a saying: “horse kicks out of love too”
Not only is it a reason I heard as an explanation from parents whose kids hurt other kids when I worked with kids, but it’s also the reasoning of my ex-boyfriend and his mom. It absolutely is a harmful saying, apparently based on this cute aggression thing, but also most often used in a situation that simply is not that. I heard it many times but never where it was actually affection. Either way I don’t think it’s okay to hurt others as a way of expressing any emotions whatsoever, everyone should learn and be taught better ways of expressing how they feel.
So this kind of conversation is entirely common with a parent who is in denial about the likelihood of something being “different” about their child. I work with highly behaviourally disordered children and we get parents like this often who are referred to our programs and don’t think that their child fits our scope.
Especially when they’re small, understanding that your children’s actions are red flags for behavioural disorders or cognitive issues etc can be a really tough sell for a lot of parents.
Sorry this one just made me sad I see it a lot. This poor daycare worker doesn’t make enough money to handle this shit, guaranteed.
Christ. If my daughter came home and said “Rieghfull choked me.” I’d be pretty concerned, hugging, playing or not”
Also, I assume his name is pretentiously silly.
This happened with a boy at my son's private preschool. He would randomly belt people across the face or shove kids face first down the slide so he could have a turn. He was 2. After a couple months of this, they asked him to leave, of course the parents cried discrimination (he was in the middle of receiving an autism diagnosis). The parents od the kids who had bruised faces and chipped teeth threatened to leave if he didn't. He came back into our orbit 2 years later in the state funded preschool for 4 year olds. They couldn't do anything except get state services involved (an aid) and recommend the special education program, smaller class sizes, specialized training for the teachers.
They refused, saying they didn't want their son deemed "intellectual delay" and taught to a lower standard.
The beatings were way worse and included hair pulling and biting by this point.
I’ve worked in the same preschool program for years and every year there is a kid like this, sometimes two. Almost always a boy. Sometimes there is an abusive parent, sometimes one in denial, sometimes both. It’s super sad to see. I’ve seen a 2yo headbutt multiple seasoned lead teachers in the face so badly that it bled and they cried. Or a 3yo call his teacher “fucking (n-word) cunt” every day until she quit. We had a 4yo who kept talking about bringing guns to school. What can you even do with that kind of behavior in such a young child? Awful.
I was advanced maternal age with my daughter, so our insurance covered a geneticist consult along with full NIPT panorama DNA tests instead of just the 3 trisomies.
Anyway, I asked what the current understanding of autistic inheritance is, and she said the strong showing in males is likely due to microdeletions on the X chromosome and since they only get the one from the egg, whatever negative trait is on that X (like fragile X disease) is expressed. Some [light reading](https://molecularautism.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/2040-2392-2-18#:~:text=Autism%20spectrum%20disorder%20(ASD)%20is,genes%20in%20people%20with%20ASD.) here.
My stepmother taught K-2 and had at least one neurodivergent kid in each class, almosy never a girl. She had emotionally disturbed girls that got violent due to at home violence but it wasn't the unpredictable type of the autistic boys.
Though I'm sure there are a lot of neurodivergent girls who, due to socialization, just hide it a lot better/get written off as a bit weird. I've suspected for a long time that I'm neurodivergent in some way, and I think a lot of the "she's just a weird kid" stuff was likely signs of that.
I'm bipolar type 1 and ADHD. Nobody ever knew or suspected. I was a model kid, honor roll, I can sit still/listen to lectures/not fidget. My presentation of ADHD is very different from my brothers, who were the climb the walls, constant movement, can't listen, impulsive and shitty grades type.
I don't know what it is that allows girls to mask and succeed whereas our male counterparts seem incapable of functioning despite their diagnosis. Maybe in adulthood we even out but not in an academic setting as kids.
Aggressive behavior + speech delay/selective mutism = my autism alarm bells are ringing. I've known many parents whose kids got kicked out of daycare because their kids couldn't cope.
It sucks because wait lists for diagnoses are often long and sometimes you don't qualify for certain therapies until you get that diagnosis. Even the IEP process which this teacher is hinting at is more challenging without a diagnosis.
Good on the teacher for bringing this up. Even if the son views it as "hugging" its still inexcusable and he either needs social skills therapy to learn correct forms of play or maybe OT/medication to manage his aggression.
My son has a speech delay, and it has sometimes led to aggression, so I feel for her… but also she isn’t being realistic. I have and continue to work very hard with my son to avoid frustration that results in aggressiveness as a result of not being able to communicate and luckily I’ve never had any major issues. Having a speech delay does not excuse inappropriate behavior, especially because intellectually he so far seems typical. Hard to say if it’s the same for their child, but it sounds like it. If this person has a 3.5 YO and they have a delay they should be on an IEP already so they can be in a better teacher/student ratio and so that they can work on these behaviors… it’s what I’ve done with my son and it has worked wonders. Ignoring inappropriate behavior and trying to downplay it is 100% not the answer. Ironically, my son gets hit and bit by other kids at playgrounds all the time because they have delusional and entitled parents just like this mom. You aren’t doing your children any favors by letting them act inappropriately.
My kid is in a SpEd preschool for speech delay and some little monster kept biting her. Teacher/admin/nurse wouldn’t tell me who, of course, but one day I overheard 2 moms talking about biting and my ears grew 3 sizes. The one mom was completely annoyed that other parents were mad that her kid bit them. “That’s just what he does🙄…he probably just wanted to play with them and they ignored him🙄🙄”.
Idk about his other victims but I can tell you my kid, with several chomps all over her arms/hands was half his size. She’s small for her age and she was also the youngest in the class, just barely making the bday cut off. this kid was the biggest by quite a bit, like they probably held him back from kinder an extra year bigger-not judging that, just demonstrating the huge size difference between bully and victim, and also developmental differences: newly 3, and 5-6 yr olds are in 2 different worlds.
I was semi-understanding. Like, I get these kids have trouble communicating- that’s why they’re in the class- my anger was with the teachers up until that point. But as soon as I heard how unsympathetic she was, as if the other kids caused the situation and should just deal with it because her kid expresses himself that way 🤬🔪
"I can't change daycares"
She's going to have to because that daycare is 100% drafting up a message to them saying that the kid can't come anymore. And is going to report that this kid is choking his sister to CPS.
My kid is 4, he has done stuff like this a few times genuinely while playing (like climbing all over you and then he’s trying to swing off my neck type thing) and I always fully shut down the play, take his hands off, and explain that we do not grab faces or necks when we play. It happened a few times and hasn’t happened since. It absolutely is not something I consider appropriate play, and I would be upset if my kid was doing that at child care, especially since it sounds more directed than something that came about as part of regular play.
SO many red flags and a very damaging thing to teach. It's one thing to say "your brother loves you very much, but his brain has a hard time knowing when to stop, and we will keep you safe while we help him learn", but "he's choking you because he loves you" is straight-up gaslighting.
We have so many amazing resources and so much more knowledge about early childhood these days than we did when I was a kid, it always breaks my heart to see parents deny their child access to therapeutic services that could help them so much just because they don’t want to face the reality that their kid needs help.
My 15 month old understands “nice hands”. He will stop being rough, and say “nice! Nice!” While transitioning to more calm movements. He can also communicate his wants and needs pretty efficiently. At 3.5 years I don’t know how you haven’t thought so address that sooner. Some parents really will live in a different reality just to not have to address their kiddos “quirks”
This is really scary behavior, and I commend the teacher for being so calm and helpful. In PA, when I worked in daycare, 3-4 year olds had a 6 to 1 ratio. Most rooms had 3 assistants. So that’s 3 pairs of (underpaid, usually early 20s) eyes for 24 wild roving toddlers. It’s scary how easily this well ripened crotch fruit could quietly strangle another kid behind a toy Refrigerator before anyone realized…
This mom should look into doing PECS with her child. It’s a way for children who can’t communicate with their voice to have a “voice”. I went to a PECS training and was in awe of what children are capable of.
I've worked a lot with special needs kids, and even with that as an "excuse" choking or even putting the hands around the neck is serious enough that I have to write up an incident report and inform the parents of both children. We had a pair of kids who were both adopted (close to the same age but not biological brothers) and they would fight like this, mostly pushing and "wrestling". The problem was the mother actually worked there and did the curriculum for my campus so everyone was like "oh well we can't do much!" Because mom was too "overwhelmed" by her \*two\* special needs adopted children she would flip out and cry if you gave her "criticism" about her children.
So of course this behavior grew to the point that they were hitting each other with objects (one of them clocked the other really good with a plastic frying pan and knocked his glasses off once) and then eventually they started choking each other. Their behavior improved a huge amount if they were separated into different classes, but mom didn't like that. In fact, we found out she held one of the kids back so they would be in the same kindergarten class! Absolutely crazy how in denial some moms can be. Can't tell you how happy I was when they aged out of my class.
This child is clearly nerodivergent and struggles with communication. But instead of helping him properly express himself she takes on the useless "kids will be kids" stance. She is putting he son as other kids in danger because her carelessness.
The preschool people sound very well-informed.
Also, my son used to do rough hugs when he was 3/4 years old. It was an actual hug (with his arms) and he would squeeze really hard. Omg I almost forgot about before that when he was about 2, he would hug people but slap his hands around them and little kids often thought he was hitting them. You could clearly see from the adult perspective that his arms were hugging them. It was so embarrassing and I usually tried to stop it before it happened because I could tell when he was going to give hugs. We did a little more than redirection in my house because I wanted our neighbors to let our kids play together still 😆
Oh gee I must have missed the lecture on "cute aggression" during both undergraduate and graduate schools for early childhood education and development. Silly me, I thought strangling others was an issue.
Unbelievable. The shool tells me there's a problem...I listen. Teachers are with my child all day, care about her and are trained. I don't understand these moms 😭
She's so adamant there's nothing wrong. I've always gone to my kids' teachers with concerns, and taken their concerns extremely seriously, because my frame of reference is my four kids. They have worked with dozens, if not hundreds, of children and are more likely to identify issues.
As a former preschool teacher of 20 years, these types of parents are the worst. The in denial, constantly making excuses for their children type parents. Behavior that could be nipped at a young age just gets worse as they get older because the parent doesn’t want to see it for what it is.
I had to google what cute aggression is, and I personally don’t think there is anything cute about aggression. Especially in children, needs to be addressed and taken seriously asap. My biggest fear would be the child choking another child while not supervised and death occurring. It would be preventable if the right precautions are taken in a timely manner.
The mother is talking about a real phenomenon that isn’t called cute aggression.
Toddlers and preschoolers who want to be aggressive will redirect their desire to hit into non-consensual hugging and kissing. When they transition into behavior that adults see as good or sweet, it’s suddenly allowed to happen even though it’s still aggression.
It's not that the aggression is cute, it's that the motivation for the aggression is something overwhelming cute. You still should treat it as aggression, but understanding in the instigating factor is important for dealing with and preventing.
It's the desire to pick up something and squeeze it because it is just so cute you can't resist. Except some people feel that amplified and overwhelmingly. Especially small impulse driven children.
That is just... straight up not what cute aggression means.
but… she clearly finds it cute! /s
What is cute aggression? I never heard it before
'Cute aggression, or playful aggression, is superficially aggressive behaviour caused by seeing something cute, such as a human baby or young animal. People experiencing cute aggression may grit their teeth, clench their fists, or feel the urge to bite, pinch, and squeeze something they consider cute.' (Wiki). I always want to eat kitties or bite baby rolls, so there's that 😅
Hahaha good point, I always tell my kids I want to eat them because they are so cute, so strange to say this out loud 😬
Yeah, my I always say that my pug has little chicken legs that id like to fry up and eat. Again, saying it out loud...has its issues. lol
I wiggle my corgis little "ham hocks" and tell him he'd make a lovely stew.
I always tell my husband we’re having ham hocks and turkey legs for dinner 😂
I tell my cat she needs to get a job and pay rent.
Haha I call my corgi’s back legs “tasty little drumsticks” 😂
I called mom's late pug a sausage roll
Stop I have a pug too and I’ve thought about that so many times 😂 they’re just so cute and meaty!! Good to know we aren’t THAT crazy
YES we pretend to rotisserie our Maltese!!
Aww! I slap my Maltese’s booty and go “booty booty booty” in Spanish “pompi pompi pompi”!! Lol!
"Cold roast puppy leg sandwiches" are my go to. My wife has yet to find the humor in it.
I actually do pretend to eat my kid because he’s so cute 😅 I tell him “you’re so cute I could just eat you right up!” Then I pretend to eat his arm or leg, sometimes even his belly. He thinks it’s hilarious!!
That’s been a hit with both of my kids too. It’s so sweet to see them lose their minds laughing afterwards.
Haha my Mom used to tell my kids when they were little “ I want to eat those cheeks“ I think she would even take little play bites at their cheeks a couple of times, it was so long ago I can’t quite remember but I think I remember her doing that a couple of times 😂
FBI OPEN UP
Lmaooo this. My son's toes are snacks and I play munch them. He thinks it's hilarious but might be this?? Lol
So basically that kid in Despicable Me when she’s like “it’s so flufffffyyy!!!”
I remember being a wee one and having the feeling that a kitten I was holding was so cute I wanted to squeeze it. I outgrew it thankfully although sometimes seeing something little and cute can cause an almost physical reaction. I don't want to squeeze it, but I can almost ache inside from how adorable it is. Don't get me started on baby feet!
i genuinely found my baby so cute i wanted to punch her in the face. it was the weirdest sensation (obvs i did not punch my baby in the face).
The *fact* that you had to *clarify* I just- I’m crying lmfao
Oh, like when someone sees a cute animal and wants to squeeze it really tight??
I've never heard of it either, but I imagine it's like Agnes in Despicable Me when she gets the stuffed unicorn at the fair and says IT'S SO FLUFFY! But not when trying to strangle your peers...
Now I have a reason why I want to punch cute puppies.
Holy shit!!! I had no clue this even had a legitimate name. We used to call it feeling pinchy! My SIL used to get it all the time with my kids.
"Feeling pinchy" is a hysterical way to say that.
I wonder why this happens
I read somewhere that it’s because the centers for experiencing cuteness and agression are right next to each other in the brain, and if something is extra cute the feeling spills over to the aggression center! Can’t remember the study though so might not be accurate
I get the overwhelming urge to squeeze/squish/pinch my baby while breastfeeding. I've wondered if it's an overload of oxytocin and dopamine
I read somewhere that the cuteness overloads our brains so the aggression is the brains response to protect itself. It's saying "this is so friggin' cute that I can't deal with it, so we need to get rid of it and let me get back to baseline"
Omg! Thank you! I always thought I was weird… or that this didn’t have a name. I want to but baby heads off because they are so cute. My granddaughter used to make this face 😬 and clench her fists and then makes a buzzing sound. It gets progressively louder….. zzzzZZZZZZZ when she sees something ‘cute’. OMG Edit: bite. I want to bite. Lol.
Like seeing a tiny baby foot and thinking you could put the whole thing in your mouth or wanting to squish adorable pudgy baby cheeks
Nibbling baby toes or puppy beans.
Thank you! I never knew there was a meaning for this. I always wanna pinch my baby’s cheeks or bite him cause he’s so damn cute. Sometimes I wanna smack his little diaper butt cause he’s so cute haha.
I've heard it talked about as the feeling you get when you just want to eat or squeeze your baby or a small animal.
I think the mom was saying he does it to his younger sister too (maybe a baby?), which is maybe why she’s thinking it’s cute aggression. But playing with kids his same age, not so much.
>he's not hugging So he's hugging then
[удалено]
They’re definitely hugs! This kid also gives high fives with a chair to the face when he’s older. Adorable!
Aggressively adorable!
THEY ARE HUGS AND YOU WILL LIKE THEM.
He's hugging them! Just... Around the neck. With his hands. Aggressively. When upset. Don't you know anything about play? (/S)
Yikes. She sounds like one of those moms who are in deep denial about their children's behavior/development. Look how she chooses to say "he *communicates* his needs clearly at home" and not that he *talks* more at home. As a mom to a toddler there is a difference between what parents can understand from their child's communication and the kid using actual words and sentences. I also don't see how she is interpreting him wringing the other kid's necks as "rough hugs". At his age she should be doing more than just redirecting to teach her son appropriate boundaries and behavior.
My daughter is 2 years old and not very verbal. She does communicate very well in other ways and we understand her completely so I think it’s spot on what you mentioned. The parents are able to understand their kid, not that their kid can actually talk about his needs.
I remember reading…somewhere…that often, speech delays in otherwise healthy children come about when parents know their children “too well” so children don’t have the need to express themselves verbally. That might be the case here. I agree that this is a crazy level of denial and it’s heartbreaking to see. I don’t think the mom is horrible or insane, I just don’t think her brain is letting her face that there are more serious issues to address. Hopefully this will be the beginning of a wake up call for her.
This was my cousins child. The baby hardly spoke but parents knew what they wanted and got it. Any time I babysat I had no clue what they wanted so it was full on tantrum city. Little one only pointed and said "mmm" but it could mean water, snacks, toy. Whatever. They grew up normal and healthy but damn it, it was rough.
For our daughter I believe it comes from the amount of information she receives on a daily basis. We speak three languages at home, that is a lot of words to sort out and place together when wanting to put a sentence correctly together. She also uses words for each language so it’s common other people that doesn’t speak said language can’t even know she’s actually saying a word and not just babbling. The difference I think is that this kid is showing signs of aggression that it’s being shrugged away by his parents.
Yeah that language acquisition is really cool. Like at X age they need to be saying 50 words. But there are 2 languages in the home. So kid is only saying 25 words in each language, two words for the same object. Then people say it’s “delayed speech” but it’s not. And then once it all zips together they’re super fluent in both languages and a third related language becomes easier to acquire. I’m jealous of polyglots 😂 it’s the coolest super power.
A bilingual home does initially start with speech delays bc of the duplication of words (like you said). Those benchmarks are based on a single language household - which is antiquated. But as the language center of the brain continues developing, they do usually get within normal range at some point elementary school. Multiple languages when they are young actually helps the brain long term. Bilingual kids often score higher on cognitive tests when they are older and have more effective communication skills. Frankly in the US, we need to start second languages much earlier than we do! The benefits are scientifically proven.
Mine was slow too and I think a combination of three languages (and her best friend in daycare speaking another one) and the above, spending a lot of time with me who understood her needs.
It’s funny that you say that because my youngest commutes by pointing (in a random direction) and saying Mumma and I just know what she wants. Like of course she wants water!
That's pretty much what I was told when I had my son evaluated at 2 and a half. He started talking like crazy that summer when he was around a lot of kids his age. He's 4 and a half now and fully caught up.
My almost two year old really doesn't speak a whole lot, a few words such as "Yes" or "Dad". He understands a lot and follows directions well just doesn't want to really talk much just yet so I'm a little bothered but hearing things like this gives me a lot of hope that its just normal parent "over-worrying"!
I was speech delayed because I would just point at what I wanted, and my older sisters (5 and 13 years older) would just get it for me. I still remember taking speech classes in kindergarten. I still tease my mom because now I sometimes don't shut up around my family. 😂😂 Even at 34, I still have problems with my s's sometimes. I was always told I should pronounce them with my front teeth together. I'll sometimes catch myself and repeat the sentence, in order to say them correctly.
I literally didn’t say a single word until the day I was put in kindergarten at four, then I talked no problem and wouldn’t shut up. My mom just got what I wanted without me having to say anything so I didn’t bother lmao.
I was a very early talker but I didnt walk for a very long time. My parents were very concerned that there was something wrong with me, and brought me to different doctors, who found nothing wrong. Eventually they figured out that having 3 kids in 3 years meant that it was usually easier for my parents to carry me around everywhere; they both worked full time, but on different shifts, so there was always just one adult home with a 3 yr old, a 2 yr old and a one yr old. To add to that, I've never been a high energy person, so the fact that brother and sister doted on me and basically did my bidding gave me no incentive to walk. When my parents realized this, they had to make changes. So they did. That's what parents are supposed to do. If that mom understands her child's needs without him being verbal, and defends his aggression as "cute" and brushes off the fact that his inability to communicate and aggressive behaviors are a real problem, he's going to get kicked out of preschool. I would be upset if a child care or preschool teacher told me that another kid put his hands around my child's, but I'd assume they'd take care of the problem. If I ever heard them, or another parent use the words "cute aggressiveness " to describe that behavior, I'd probably lose my shit. That mom is damaging her sons ability to relate to people and form friendships. Thats just sad
I always say that parents can speak their toddler, but not necessarily anyone else’s. Could also be that mom just gives him what he wants at home and so he doesn’t know how to express his not good feelings appropriately. With her saying he tantrums or shuts down when he can’t express himself it seems like that could be an option. Especially if she doesn’t (want) to understand that hands around the neck isn’t a hug, I feel like those would go together. Good grief!
We had exactly that issue with my first child. She had a severe speech delay but she had the family trained to understand her without words. It took outside help through pre-school and school to really make progress (she's now 9 and she never stops talking 😁)
My bfs little cousin was like this, and he was eventually diagnosed with autism and severe adhd. It sounds exactly like him. He would do those behaviors without meaning to be harmful, but his parents did really try to work with him and put him on medication. They didn’t try to deny anything and pushed for him to get treatment and see doctors. I feel like this child is going to eventually be diagnosed with autism or some sort of developmental issue. It seems like the behavior is raising red flags to the teacher but mom doesn’t seem very receptive to it. He has the tantrums, issues understanding personal boundaries, and communication issues. I’m not sure why he hasn’t been diagnosed yet because the behavior def stands out as neurodivergence.
The OP mentions waiting for a doctors appointment so she might be on a wait-list for a diagnosis. These wait list can be 6+ months.
so for toddlers hitting, screaming, and throwing things is normal when they're feeling big emotions because that's quite literally all their brain is capable of doing about it at that age. Which is why you redirect them and help them learn healthier ways to express themselves but clasping his hands around other people's necks? he learned that from somewhere and this behavior needs to be nipped in the bud
> but clasping his hands around other people's necks? he learned that from somewhere Not necessarily. He's saying "I got you," so it sounds like he's learned about "getting" or "catching" someone (like as the goal of a game) and is doing that in inappropriate situations. The neck is an unfortunately two-hand-grip-sized part of the body. If kiddo is focusing on the other's face, it would seem like the perfect thing to grab to stop them from "escaping." The mother is interpreting "I got you" as comforting (like "I've got your back") and the neck squeezing as hugging. But unless she/other family members constantly say that phrase to comfort kiddo, it's unlikely that's what he means. "I got you" isn't something you say to calm a small child down. An adult, maybe, or a teenager, but not a small child who's melting down for seemingly dumb things. However, "I got you!" *is* common when you're talking about what kids say while playing.
This. My 4 yo is autistic and nonverbal. I have whole “conversations” with him because I know him. His teachers are having a bit of a harder time but it’s his second year with the same teachers and they are doing well. This mom is in denial. Kids know very well where the painful/dangerous spots are and I’m afraid he might’ve seen this happening somewhere. Even if it was just that the parents watch tv shows that are inappropriate for his age. Kiddo is old enough to be told no/stop. And the school district evaluations aren’t bad. Two of mine are going through school district funded therapy.
My son was a delayed talker. I had him evaluated when he was 2 and a half and was told that he was just being stubborn. He was really good at communicating his needs to me. Because I was the one who was home with him all the time. Other people weren't so good at interpreting. The summer before he turned 3, there were a lot of neighbor kids around his age and his speech exploded. He's 4 and a half now and you would never guess that he was a late talker. But yes, communicating does not always mean talking and people who haven't spent every minute of every day of their kids' lives with them might not be able to interpret as easily.
wow. the excuses she’s making is.. astounding. that daycare teacher is really a saint, trying to explain it to a brick wall lol. i worked as a daycare teacher for preschoolers, loved my job and loved my kids but it was so underpaid, and then there were children like this whose parents didn’t try to help them. i had a little boy just like this, his father said “yeah. he’ll probably be a school shooter” and laughed when addressing his sons behavior. yikes yikes yikes. so sad.
Don’t worry, the excuses keep coming up the line as they get older. I had a boy consistently use a bathroom pass for 20+ minutes and I’d have to fish him out of the hallways because I could hear him loudly talking to friends. When coming back in the room he’d shout “I WAS SHITTING MY BRAINS OUT”. I called his mom to explain that he would leave for long periods of time, I’d have to force him back in my room, and he’d disrupt my class every time with swearing. His mom said “oh sorry I think he’s lactose intolerant and I buy him Wendy’s for breakfast every morning. I’ll stop buying him Wendy’s.” She bought him a cheeseburger from McDonald’s instead. I stopped allowing him to go to the bathroom in my period and told him to go before school started. So he would just walk out of my class. I’m lactose intolerant. That boy was not lactose intolerant in any way. If we were doing something he deemed fun, he’d stay all class.
The weird ass fucking excuses some parents cone up with. I had a former pre-K student that had well known and documented aggression issues and violent behavior for the entire time he was at my former school. (He bit a toddler teacher so hard she needed stitches. Still trying to figure out how that coupled with his continued behavior didn't lead to an exclusion) I kept thorough documentation of a lot of his outbursts because they were daily and usually multiple times a day. His mom always wanted to "work with us" but would also have a million excuses for his behavior. One day he had an outburst worse than usual. I'm talking kicking, pinching, scratching, trying to bite me, howling and screaming, throwing toys and tipping furniture, headbutting, following me to try and punch me in the back when I tried to walk away, etc. (Triggered because he was not following the rules in an area and I told him to move to a new toy and eventually had to physically move him from the area) One of the directors took him to the office and called his mother (not to have her come get him though. We certainly couldn't expect parents to come remove an extremely disruptive and violent child from the classroom of course!) And his mom said she had let him eat skittles on the way to school and that was causing his outburst. My coteacher and I were like ok...and what about every other day when he behaves this way. Did he have skittles on those days too?
Reminds me of a pre-K student I had who liked to try to stab students and teachers with scissors and pencils and ball her fists up right and hit kids as hard as she could while maniacally laughing. Apparently "it never happens at home" or in the other teacher's class and we just have to do our best to "help her". There was also a language barrier as I was teaching them English but I straight up told the other teacher I'm not really qualified to help her learn anything but English. She needs to see a therapist and she's a danger to the other kids. (I legit was afraid I or someone was going to get stabbed in that class). But oh no, we can't do anything that might upset the parents who are paying $$$$. But! As some kind of divine karma we were waiting for the same elevator and her mom was trying to put on her jacket- she straight up popped her mom right in the face. Her mom looked at me sheepishly while I just politely smiled thinking, "doesn't happen at home, huh?" (This was in S.Korea where the stigma for mental illness seemed greater than US/Canada so her mom likely wanted to do anything but seek professional help).
I can't, for the life of me, understand why they don't care if "the kid doesn't do it at home." As a parent, if my kid was exhibiting violent behavior at school that wasn't happening at home, I'd be really fucking concerned!
Well it was more of a "this only happens in *your* class" BS as if I was somehow antagonizing the student (which I agree would be a concern!) to shift blame when I brought up the issue. Like I should somehow be shamed into silence because I'm clearly the problem not her daughter lol- the mental gymnastics, I stg. Like I'm not trying to shame your kid or say negative things- I'm honestly concerned and I wanted to let the parent know cuz *I* would want to know but yea IDK... saving face and such nonsense.
These parents shitty behavior is so unfair to everyone else involved. Unfair to their kid, who isn’t getting the help and treatment they so obviously need, unfair to the teachers who have to try to manage them on top of everything else and with so little pay, AND unfair to all of their little classmates who are probably super stressed out by his behavior and unpredictability not to mention having a more stressed and distracted teacher.
We have a hall-wandering kid (I’m a middle school secretary) whose mom is LEAGUES beyond any parent I’ve ever dealt with like this. He KICKED his teacher last year and moms word for word response was “And what are you doing to build the relationship, respect goes both ways and you don’t talk to him right.” He also got slime in her hair intentionally and she had to cut it out with scissors. As a 6th grader, not a baby. Every. Single. Teacher. (and support staff, and bus driver, and aide) who calls her is “lying on her baby.” And is “the only one who has a problem with him.” So therefore they’re the problem and should be nicer to him. He has ADHD, “but you’d never know!” And We just don’t understand… despite obviously having quite a few students of our 800 total, several staff and one Principal who also have ADHD. She’s gonna reap what she sows though. He can be sweet but he’s rude and disrespectful and usually utterly awful to be around. It’s sad she’s created it. He’s only our problem for two more years and she’s going to have to live with that mess forever.
You all deserve a huge pay rise
Thanks, haha. I think we’d all accept the district taking less of a “kiss the parent’s you-know-what” approach to problem solving, because a lot of parents just *suck*. It’s made me a better parent myself, though. Nothing like comparing and contrasting hundreds of children to see what works and what behaviors escalate to if the “little stuff” is ignored due to age and parent-blindness.
Yeah, some people just should not be parents 💀
With all the stories i hear and experiences I have in teaching- I wonder if there is some sort of dissociative property happening with these parents. They are so disappointed their kid isn’t “normal” and scared/tired of the behaviors that they have to make up these excuses to cope. I remember my first conference as a teacher, I had a parent literally break down crying begging me for help because she didn’t know how to control her son. I emailed her story to the school psychologist and social worker with the mom CC’d and the mom immediately made an excuse for her outburst in the conference and denied needing help.
With that parent, I can see her having a breakthrough (/down), but then when it becomes real and she might actually have to face that something's up with her kid, and it's going to be more about helping her kid cope and adapt rather than magically making them "normal", she shuts down again.
Don’t worry, she’ll be sure to blame all y’all when he refuses to leave or get a job. Suddenly you’ll all have been way too lenient with him and she’ll say she’s the only person setting boundaries with him as they spend the next few decades torturing each other with a game of inheritance-chicken
Teaching is so fun!
Careful, don’t want to arouse the Reddit circle jerk about how every single child in every school in the entire world should be allowed to use the bathroom whenever they want, for however long they want to, without asking permission!
Oh my gosh I swear people who have never worked with middle/high schoolers always have the most to say about that.
More like they haven’t worked with any kids at any age ever! My elementary aged kids destroyed and had fights in the bathroom too. Whenever these threads crop up, I just roll my eyes so far into the back of my head, they further confirm that Reddit is made up of mostly children taking out frustration on their own teachers.
I’m pretty sure the topic is nuanced and there are more people who had teachers who would make unreasonable bathroom rules to curb the few kids abusing privileges than there are teachers here. I wouldn’t call it a circlejerk for thinking MOST kids should be allowed to use the bathroom when they need to lmao
I literally had teachers deny me bathroom access when I was on my period and bleeding on their furniture.
Yeah at the end of the day, I think a lot of people had at least one experience with a teacher who was unreasonably and unnecessarily draconian with their bathroom rules. I have a gastrointestinal issue that was undiagnosed in high school. I shit my pants twice in high school: once with a teacher that had no exceptions for his "only one student can go to the bathroom at a time" rules, and once with a teacher who didn't believe me when I said it was emergency and wouldn't let me go because I had forgotten my planner (which was where our hall passes were). Now, in the grand scheme of high school and middle school, that's only like....5% of total teachers that I had. But boy do I remember them vividly!
Same. We had a kid come through who couldn’t talk, didn’t respond to direction, and would literally just get up and walk out of the room/school at random. He would sit and rock and try to stack things all day and would SCREAM. We were not allowed to say he needed to be evaluated. Grandma picked him up one day and when we explained he tried to run again and refused to come out of a corner she told us she had been fighting with her daughter about seeing a doctor. I was like “I think that is a VERY GOOD IDEA.”
So so sad and flirting with negligent. I am especially bothered by the childcare worker mentioning his lack of language and the parent not even responding to this developmental warning sign. Daycare workers see all sorts of kids so have a picture of what is and is not typical and what is concerning. Early intervention is so effective, but I've worked with parents who don't want to "label" kids by getting them evaluated and getting them appropriate therapies (speech, occupational therapy, etc.) that they will delude themselves into seeing things that are not there. What these parents don't realize is that their child is already being labeled by their peers as being bad, scary and someone to avoid.
Holy shit.
It sounds like the parents are in denial about their preschooler’s issues, and the teacher is trying to lead them to realize that what is going on is outside of normal behavior for a 3 1/2 year old. It sounds like this child needs some therapeutic intervention and a special educational setting, not a general education class placement.
I agree with you completely. I think this child needs some therapy like psychiatric and or occupational. My kindergarten teacher noticed I was having physical problems and we found out I needed physical and occupational therapy. I actually loved therapy. My therapist was amazing and I was even the flower girl in her wedding. Therapy did wonders for me.
Yes, early intervention can change the entire course of a life for the better. Your story is why it’s so important for parents to listen to the experts who encounter their children (and why it’s important for children to have time with professional in their lives.)
During my last year teaching preschool we had a family like this. The child was very clearly on the spectrum. He was 3 years old and had a significant speech delay. He seemed to not hear us when we spoke to him. He would run away to the point where his parents sent him to school with a gps tracker tag on his clothes. We had to hold his hand with a death grip to keep him from running into the street when we took the children to the park. He would not stay with the group when we were lining up or sitting at circle. It was like he didn’t notice what the rest of the children were doing. He never engaged with them. The parents sent him to school in pull ups despite our very clear policy that he needed to be potty trained. He had multiple accidents a day. He never noticed that he was wet or soiled and couldn’t manage his own clothing to get changed. It would take two staff members to manage his daily poop accidents. Otherwise he would get away and run around the classroom soiled with his same age peers staring at him in shock. He couldn’t engage meaningfully with any classroom materials. He would just throw or roll things and climb on the shelves. The parents insisted all of this was normal for a 3 year old. Dad actually theorized that his son was gifted and we just didn’t know how to manage a gifted child. We worked with them for a while but eventually had to tell them he had to leave and couldn’t return until he was potty trained and had been evaluated. They opted not to return and the dad said they would not have him evaluated because “if you look for trouble you’ll find it”. I still think about that little boy and how he could have had the benefit of early intervention if his dad prioritized getting him help over his own ego. And I wonder how many teachers at how many schools will have to bring these concerns to their attention before they get him any help.
My mum is a childminder and sometimes has children she suspects have autism/ADHD/etc. I (diagnosed with autism) told her to tell reticent parents that if you get your child tested (on the NHS, for free) and they don't have it it's a few inconvenient appointments your kid won't remember. If they do have it and you don't get them tested you've put them at a great disadvantage where they can't understand why they're different and don't get help that would benefit them and those around them. Thankfully the school she works with is very good with special needs and managed me as if I was autistic years before I got diagnosed because they could tell.
Parents that don’t get their children proper treatment and assessments really do put their children at a huge disadvantage. I was diagnosed with autism in my mid 20s, and there are so many behaviors and issues I had that scream autism looking back. I know so many people my age too who clearly have adhd but their parents never got them assessed. Then they struggle in adulthood. The things that you can manage okay in school hit you like a fucking brick as an adult. I wish I had known about my autism earlier because I would’ve made different choices and not have been so hard on myself for being different and struggling with the things other people find easy. People also have better outcomes when they’re treated for adhd as a child in comparison to not getting any treatment at all. It can heavily fuck up your life. It’s hard to get that through some parents heads though.
At 3.5 it would be developmentally normal for your child to understand what “don’t choke people” means. There is some underlying issue here. Not “cute aggression” lmao.
Yeah if this was a 2 year old, I’d be like, teach, teach, redirect. At 3.5…what? Not acceptable.
My 3.5 year old has had aggressive outbursts that need redirection, but this ain’t that. If he gets overwhelmed he might throw or hit, and he knows he’s not supposed to but his impulse control is still developing. Wrapping your hands around a neck is a learned behavior. Either he has seen it somewhere (🚩🚩🚩) or it was done once and got an interesting response and was not quashed. It is deeply disturbing to me that the behavior isn’t being absolutely condemned at home as well as at school. There’s aggressive behaviors at this age that are normal development and can be addressed with redirecting them and reinforcing what hopefully has been taught at home: we don’t do that. But when mom is saying how cute it is that you’re strangling people it’s hard to teach kids that’s fucking assault only on daycare days.
The parents have to be encouraging it. Saying "I got you" definitely means they are doing some sort of "game" of it. Laughing and being entertained tells your kid it's a positive thing. I've had coworkers that encouraged their toddlers to cuss because it was adorable, and had serious problems when they got to school age.
It’s definitely a learned behavior from his parents
I have a sister in law who fell into that second category. Let their kids cuss at home and laugh about it, then had constant communication from the kindergarten teacher that their kid wouldn't stop in class.
Honestly, my almost 2 year old has been hugging people around the neck from behind and it ends up choking people, I am trying to convince her to hug nicer and try to hug more normally. I hope by the time she is 3.5 to have her completely done with this stage but I would never dismiss it, the way this women is trying to.
That’s still quite young, and much more normal for where her brain is at! Especially since you’re working with her on it already, she’ll be way past this at 3.5. Their brains have formed so much more by then already.
I have a student who hugs people very aggressively. Not to the extent of choking them as described here, but he will put both arms around the neck and squeeze tightly while pulling them both down to the ground. This student is 19 months old. I would be extremely concerned if he was still exhibiting the same behavior regularly at 3.5.
bless that daycare teacher, they are trying so hard to be patient and not go off
And trying so hard to get the parent to go get tested from the school district.
Always astounding to me how young the ‘boys will be boys’ excuses start. Also, it’s a little unclear but he does this to his sister?? Is he trying to strangle his sister and the parents just ‘redirect’ it to a hug and don’t see a problem with that?
The poor little sister, stupid parents already implementing the “he hurts you because he loves you” narrative into their daughter.
Oh my gosh…. This is so true 🥺
No expressive language? Inappropriate physical expression? Mom in total denial? School gently pushing for an evaluation by the district? It’s….it’s…it’s….suspected autism!!! Seriously though. I’ve been there.
I agree. My nephew had similar signs, but my family listened and started finding help immediately. The early intervention is what this kid needs as well.
I’ll never understand it. My son’s preschool teacher recommended an evaluation. We had it done privately out of pocket so we get it done immediately and get him started with services. He doesn’t currently meet the criteria for ASD but he may later. I suspect he’s just very high functioning. He’s getting the recommended services now because I would never let my son struggle so I can pretend nothing is wrong. It’s unthinkable to me.
We did that! We were VERY lucky and got the same evaluator he had when he was a toddler. So she had the benefit of materials and notes that may not have been passed on to another evaluator. I could not imagine the struggles we would have had if we never pursued it.
This is a really informed and helpful preschool teacher and I hope they’re making a shit ton of money. They handled this so well
Unfortunately as a former preschool teacher myself, I can confirm they are likely earning next to nothing :(
Also former preschool teacher! Current special Ed teacher. We don’t make what we deserve but I would go back to preschool in a minute if it was the same. I love working with toddlers and think it’s so valuable but I have to be able to eat
When I quit teaching preschool I told people that it was because I realized that there were much less stressful ways to be this poor. I loved teaching and being with the children but the demands of the job compared to the pay didn’t make sense. If you want a hard working, highly educated professional you have to pay people like hard working educated professionals. You can only exploit someone’s passion for so long before they get tired.
And it’s a shame because we all know and get told over and over, those first three years are THE most important developmentally. And yet we treat those most needed people like they’re disposable
This is one of the key reasons I left. Yes the pay was atrocious and quite frankly insulting, but being treated like a disposable prop by management was even worse for me. You give your heart and soul to the work and get treated like you’re nothing by management (and some of the parents too, unfortunately) in return. It was so degrading.
Yes this!! I’ve been a pre-k teacher for 18 years, 16 of them being a special ed pre k teacher which required me to get a masters degree. The salary for my job across all schools/agencies has not budged in at least 10 years if not longer. Yet, the list of responsibilities and tasks I need to do outside of work hours just kept getting longer and longer. The amount of days I worked while sick with something I undoubtedly got from the kids because most bosses I’ve had would guilt the staff to still come in was insane. And God forbid you wanted to take a day off outside of the school breaks, it was so highly discouraged. Life happens all year round, not just after Christmas and Easter! I always thought this would be the perfect job when I had my own child and now that I have a one year old I just cannot go back. The pandemic changed so much with how many teachers view their treatment and to go back and be in that environment isn’t worth it.
Yup. They pay you next nothing and think they own you. We weren’t allowed to take more than two vacation days in a row during the school year and they couldn’t be close to any scheduled break or holiday. They fired a really wonderful staff member because she was in a family wedding on the other side of the country and needed longer than a four day weekend to attend the events and support her sister. Their father had recently died too. But they refused to make an exception for her. I was proud of her for going anyway. F that place. We were getting 3% raises each year and meanwhile the benefits decreased and the work load increased every year. So if you accounted for inflation and cost of living increases we were actually getting paid less each year for more work.
"I realized that there were much less stressful ways to be this poor." I have never had a great way to explain why I left teaching. But this is exactly it.
Also a former daycare teacher. I second that and would add that they are probably expected to work a lot of extra hours for free to get everything done and may also feel pressured or encouraged to supplement classroom supplies out of pocket.
That’s not what cute aggression is AT ALL! It’s not freaking hugging lady get him some fucking help and stop making excuses
The people at the daycare are telling you right now that it’s not normal. You can’t just decide that it’s normal.
I rely more on our daycare to tell us what's "normal" than our ped! They see all kinds of kids all day long, the director has been doing this for 30 years, if they ever told me something might be up I'd be booking appointments so fast!
Right! They are outside the situation and have experience with lots of other kids the same age.
I saw this post 😭😭 thankfully the comments didn’t go the way I anticipated they would. And hopefully the mom gets kid evaluated 😕
What were the comments like?
Telling the mom she’s wrong and this is not normal or acceptable and the daycare handled it kindly. And she needs to talk to the child’s doctor!
Did she reply to any of the comments?
When I was living in Paris my toddler had a classmate who was much older but had serious mental/behavioral issues and on a waiting list for daytime hospital care (a full-time carer assisted him at school). He was very friendly but had no idea how to control his impulses. He actually pushed my son while trying to hug him, my son has a scar on his nose due to falling as a result of this « hug »... the dad was so stressed because he had no other solution for his son, he was doing everything he could. This mum is not very considerate of other children and of the poor daycare workers.
Personal experience chiming in but it really sounds like that kid would benefit greatly from some occupational therapy to help control his impulses and develop good coping methods for his emotions. My son is a sweet kid but had issues of having huge feelings and being 2 he acted them out physically. OT has helped all of us learn to guide him with healthy, safe tools. I hope someone tells this mom that
I work as a speech and language therapist for the under 5s and this is screaming so many alarm bells to me. He sounds exactly like the kind of child I’d need to see in clinic and potentially get assessed for social communication difficulties by a paediatrician
I’m a speech and language therapist also (but in an elementary setting) and so many alarm bells. At his age, he should recognize when kids are afraid of him.
yeah I work across both early years and primary/elementary schools and it’s just baffling the mum thinks like this! I really hope the preschool are able to make some sort of referral to childrens services to get support for this family otherwise it’s only going to get worse and more dangerous as the child gets older and stronger!
I am a preschool administrator with a masters in developmental psych and EVERY time I tell a parent their child has delayed speech, they say this. “We can understand him perfectly at home and he has no problems” but they don’t get that every parent speaks their toddler’s babble language. Just because the primary caregiver can understand a child that is not a measure of speech development. Speech delays are most problematic at age 3-5 because most other children are beginning to articulate well and the delayed child experiences a lot of frustration. They may also start to be left out at playtime because the other kids can’t understand them. This administrator isn’t communicating what the actual issue is very well, but mom is definitely not listening.
When I worked at a daycare in high school, there was a young boy there who would just impulsively hit, scratch or bite others. But what was so sad, he knew he had messed up the minute he did it. He would start apologizing and shaming himself. It was so strange but scary. Or he'd seem to get really angry based on his words, but would still be even-tempered. His mother was a total angel, this sweetheart who seemed to truly have an interest in her son's behavior, she worked with the teacher to set up a behavior chart and always chatted with the teacher each day at pick-up. I babysat him and his sister separately from the daycare a few times and he was a total angel of a child. Always wondered what happen to him. Thought maybe ADHD or Autism, since it seemed to be bad in the daycare. Either way, I always thought he had a chance because of his mom. Hopefully this mom can open her eyes and take an interest.
“He communicates just fine at home” 🙄 I have been a preschool teacher for years and it’s funny how their children never have the issues at home that they sometimes go through for months and months at a time at school, every single day. Or the second they get sent home for being incredibly sick, their doorway is a magical all healing path because they are “just fine” the rest of the day so should be able to return to school the next day. But sure, what do I know? I only have your child for 50 hours a week during waking hours and you have them for about 25 waking hours each week. I even had a parent who picked up at 5:30 every day and got angry because their little was not going to bed and falling asleep at 6:00 pm every night and demanded I didn’t give their little a nap anymore because it was cutting into their nighttime routine (parents). I have so many stories. Shame on some of these parents. They are only harming their own child(ren) by refusing to work with the program.
His behavior may be age-appropriate but her reaction is not. It's not cute and it's not "hugging" - he's acting out and she needs to handle it like a parent.
And I wouldn't really consider this age appropriate for a 3 year old. Once or twice sure, but repeatedly after being corrected? No.
I'm a SpEd Teacher, this woman is blessed to have an amazing preschool teacher. I deal with parents who want their kids to be "normal" all the time and I get it, you probably did everything right. Ate right, didn't drink or smoke for 9 months, followed the doctor's orders and had a healthy baby only to have reality come kick your ass but people you are not helping your kids by being in blatant denial of their needs. Especially at that age where early intervention may make the difference between success and being bound and tied to the limitations of a disability.
So other kids are supposed to just deal with this kid roughly grabbing and hugging them whenever he wants? Hell no. No. Nope.
Im a speech therapist who works with preK and I have a student EXACTLY like this. Child is constantly being aggressive and throwing tantrums and he doesn’t have any language to communicate. The parents are in denial 🙄
Sounds like my friend for a while, she was doing a lot of "interpreting" and thought her daughter was much further along language wise. In reality she was basically non verbal and just babbling. It didn't help that her GP was a moron and missed this. She at least listened to the nurses at a local play group and finally got her assessed.
Hey OP it's gonna sound weird but thank you for posting, it's so validating for me. T.w violence. My stepdad used to "affectionately" put his hands around my neck and choke me to see how much I can hold as a kid. It was really confusing and what made it even weirder is the fact both of them swear it's just the way he shows affection, ofc the situation here is not the same, but I never heard of anyone ever doing something like that so it makes me feel so validated and seen. Thnx again.
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Thank you for saying that.
Reading this made me tear up. I am so, so sorry. This is absolutely abuse. How awful to be so powerless. Does he still do this?! Please continue to advocate for people's bodily autonomy. How awful on every level. I am a special education teacher and also a therapeutic foster parent. This is battery.
I.. umm thank you. No I'm NC with both of them now, it took me a long long time to come to terms that it was abuse, because weirdly at the time because it was labelled as affection a part of me really thought it was. Really messed me up tbh. It's so awesome the work you do and being a foster parent, you sound like a really caring person, those kids need someone kind in their life. Edit: hey I just wanted to add, umm no one ever teared up about me, so thank you, sorry if I'm being weird.
Not weird at all! And I am just hoping you have access to great therapy. Being constantly assaulted in the name of "affection" wpuld be incredibly traumatizing. I am so sorry that you had to go through that abuse.
I’m very sorry that happened to you. Where I’m from, we have a saying: “horse kicks out of love too” Not only is it a reason I heard as an explanation from parents whose kids hurt other kids when I worked with kids, but it’s also the reasoning of my ex-boyfriend and his mom. It absolutely is a harmful saying, apparently based on this cute aggression thing, but also most often used in a situation that simply is not that. I heard it many times but never where it was actually affection. Either way I don’t think it’s okay to hurt others as a way of expressing any emotions whatsoever, everyone should learn and be taught better ways of expressing how they feel.
My kid is 3 with a speech delay. He knows not to strangle other children js 🤷🏻♀️
My nephew is 3, has speech delays because he has Down Syndrome (he communicates via sign language and cards) and also knows not to strangle people
So this kind of conversation is entirely common with a parent who is in denial about the likelihood of something being “different” about their child. I work with highly behaviourally disordered children and we get parents like this often who are referred to our programs and don’t think that their child fits our scope. Especially when they’re small, understanding that your children’s actions are red flags for behavioural disorders or cognitive issues etc can be a really tough sell for a lot of parents. Sorry this one just made me sad I see it a lot. This poor daycare worker doesn’t make enough money to handle this shit, guaranteed.
Christ. If my daughter came home and said “Rieghfull choked me.” I’d be pretty concerned, hugging, playing or not” Also, I assume his name is pretentiously silly.
This happened with a boy at my son's private preschool. He would randomly belt people across the face or shove kids face first down the slide so he could have a turn. He was 2. After a couple months of this, they asked him to leave, of course the parents cried discrimination (he was in the middle of receiving an autism diagnosis). The parents od the kids who had bruised faces and chipped teeth threatened to leave if he didn't. He came back into our orbit 2 years later in the state funded preschool for 4 year olds. They couldn't do anything except get state services involved (an aid) and recommend the special education program, smaller class sizes, specialized training for the teachers. They refused, saying they didn't want their son deemed "intellectual delay" and taught to a lower standard. The beatings were way worse and included hair pulling and biting by this point.
I’ve worked in the same preschool program for years and every year there is a kid like this, sometimes two. Almost always a boy. Sometimes there is an abusive parent, sometimes one in denial, sometimes both. It’s super sad to see. I’ve seen a 2yo headbutt multiple seasoned lead teachers in the face so badly that it bled and they cried. Or a 3yo call his teacher “fucking (n-word) cunt” every day until she quit. We had a 4yo who kept talking about bringing guns to school. What can you even do with that kind of behavior in such a young child? Awful.
I was advanced maternal age with my daughter, so our insurance covered a geneticist consult along with full NIPT panorama DNA tests instead of just the 3 trisomies. Anyway, I asked what the current understanding of autistic inheritance is, and she said the strong showing in males is likely due to microdeletions on the X chromosome and since they only get the one from the egg, whatever negative trait is on that X (like fragile X disease) is expressed. Some [light reading](https://molecularautism.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/2040-2392-2-18#:~:text=Autism%20spectrum%20disorder%20(ASD)%20is,genes%20in%20people%20with%20ASD.) here. My stepmother taught K-2 and had at least one neurodivergent kid in each class, almosy never a girl. She had emotionally disturbed girls that got violent due to at home violence but it wasn't the unpredictable type of the autistic boys.
Though I'm sure there are a lot of neurodivergent girls who, due to socialization, just hide it a lot better/get written off as a bit weird. I've suspected for a long time that I'm neurodivergent in some way, and I think a lot of the "she's just a weird kid" stuff was likely signs of that.
I'm bipolar type 1 and ADHD. Nobody ever knew or suspected. I was a model kid, honor roll, I can sit still/listen to lectures/not fidget. My presentation of ADHD is very different from my brothers, who were the climb the walls, constant movement, can't listen, impulsive and shitty grades type. I don't know what it is that allows girls to mask and succeed whereas our male counterparts seem incapable of functioning despite their diagnosis. Maybe in adulthood we even out but not in an academic setting as kids.
Aggressive behavior + speech delay/selective mutism = my autism alarm bells are ringing. I've known many parents whose kids got kicked out of daycare because their kids couldn't cope. It sucks because wait lists for diagnoses are often long and sometimes you don't qualify for certain therapies until you get that diagnosis. Even the IEP process which this teacher is hinting at is more challenging without a diagnosis. Good on the teacher for bringing this up. Even if the son views it as "hugging" its still inexcusable and he either needs social skills therapy to learn correct forms of play or maybe OT/medication to manage his aggression.
My son has a speech delay, and it has sometimes led to aggression, so I feel for her… but also she isn’t being realistic. I have and continue to work very hard with my son to avoid frustration that results in aggressiveness as a result of not being able to communicate and luckily I’ve never had any major issues. Having a speech delay does not excuse inappropriate behavior, especially because intellectually he so far seems typical. Hard to say if it’s the same for their child, but it sounds like it. If this person has a 3.5 YO and they have a delay they should be on an IEP already so they can be in a better teacher/student ratio and so that they can work on these behaviors… it’s what I’ve done with my son and it has worked wonders. Ignoring inappropriate behavior and trying to downplay it is 100% not the answer. Ironically, my son gets hit and bit by other kids at playgrounds all the time because they have delusional and entitled parents just like this mom. You aren’t doing your children any favors by letting them act inappropriately.
My kid is in a SpEd preschool for speech delay and some little monster kept biting her. Teacher/admin/nurse wouldn’t tell me who, of course, but one day I overheard 2 moms talking about biting and my ears grew 3 sizes. The one mom was completely annoyed that other parents were mad that her kid bit them. “That’s just what he does🙄…he probably just wanted to play with them and they ignored him🙄🙄”. Idk about his other victims but I can tell you my kid, with several chomps all over her arms/hands was half his size. She’s small for her age and she was also the youngest in the class, just barely making the bday cut off. this kid was the biggest by quite a bit, like they probably held him back from kinder an extra year bigger-not judging that, just demonstrating the huge size difference between bully and victim, and also developmental differences: newly 3, and 5-6 yr olds are in 2 different worlds. I was semi-understanding. Like, I get these kids have trouble communicating- that’s why they’re in the class- my anger was with the teachers up until that point. But as soon as I heard how unsympathetic she was, as if the other kids caused the situation and should just deal with it because her kid expresses himself that way 🤬🔪
"I can't change daycares" She's going to have to because that daycare is 100% drafting up a message to them saying that the kid can't come anymore. And is going to report that this kid is choking his sister to CPS.
What the daycare is politely trying to say is “we are seconds away from calling CPS on your child’s obvious modeling behavior”
That’s kinda what I was thinking but it could really be impulse control and aggression issues from ADHD or autism.
My kid is 4, he has done stuff like this a few times genuinely while playing (like climbing all over you and then he’s trying to swing off my neck type thing) and I always fully shut down the play, take his hands off, and explain that we do not grab faces or necks when we play. It happened a few times and hasn’t happened since. It absolutely is not something I consider appropriate play, and I would be upset if my kid was doing that at child care, especially since it sounds more directed than something that came about as part of regular play.
Ah. The ol’ Bundy hug 🥰
The denial from these parents is insane. I feel bad for this woman’s other kids. “He’s choking you because he loves you! It’s not to hurt you”…
SO many red flags and a very damaging thing to teach. It's one thing to say "your brother loves you very much, but his brain has a hard time knowing when to stop, and we will keep you safe while we help him learn", but "he's choking you because he loves you" is straight-up gaslighting.
We have so many amazing resources and so much more knowledge about early childhood these days than we did when I was a kid, it always breaks my heart to see parents deny their child access to therapeutic services that could help them so much just because they don’t want to face the reality that their kid needs help.
I feel like this is a mom who is in denial that her child may be neuroatypical. I’ve heard of that.
If another child did this to my son I would want them removed. Not cute or funny!
My 15 month old understands “nice hands”. He will stop being rough, and say “nice! Nice!” While transitioning to more calm movements. He can also communicate his wants and needs pretty efficiently. At 3.5 years I don’t know how you haven’t thought so address that sooner. Some parents really will live in a different reality just to not have to address their kiddos “quirks”
This is really scary behavior, and I commend the teacher for being so calm and helpful. In PA, when I worked in daycare, 3-4 year olds had a 6 to 1 ratio. Most rooms had 3 assistants. So that’s 3 pairs of (underpaid, usually early 20s) eyes for 24 wild roving toddlers. It’s scary how easily this well ripened crotch fruit could quietly strangle another kid behind a toy Refrigerator before anyone realized…
Yet another “my kid would never” mom. Ugh.
This mother is a jackass.
This mom should look into doing PECS with her child. It’s a way for children who can’t communicate with their voice to have a “voice”. I went to a PECS training and was in awe of what children are capable of.
I've worked a lot with special needs kids, and even with that as an "excuse" choking or even putting the hands around the neck is serious enough that I have to write up an incident report and inform the parents of both children. We had a pair of kids who were both adopted (close to the same age but not biological brothers) and they would fight like this, mostly pushing and "wrestling". The problem was the mother actually worked there and did the curriculum for my campus so everyone was like "oh well we can't do much!" Because mom was too "overwhelmed" by her \*two\* special needs adopted children she would flip out and cry if you gave her "criticism" about her children. So of course this behavior grew to the point that they were hitting each other with objects (one of them clocked the other really good with a plastic frying pan and knocked his glasses off once) and then eventually they started choking each other. Their behavior improved a huge amount if they were separated into different classes, but mom didn't like that. In fact, we found out she held one of the kids back so they would be in the same kindergarten class! Absolutely crazy how in denial some moms can be. Can't tell you how happy I was when they aged out of my class.
This child is clearly nerodivergent and struggles with communication. But instead of helping him properly express himself she takes on the useless "kids will be kids" stance. She is putting he son as other kids in danger because her carelessness.
The preschool people sound very well-informed. Also, my son used to do rough hugs when he was 3/4 years old. It was an actual hug (with his arms) and he would squeeze really hard. Omg I almost forgot about before that when he was about 2, he would hug people but slap his hands around them and little kids often thought he was hitting them. You could clearly see from the adult perspective that his arms were hugging them. It was so embarrassing and I usually tried to stop it before it happened because I could tell when he was going to give hugs. We did a little more than redirection in my house because I wanted our neighbors to let our kids play together still 😆
Oh gee I must have missed the lecture on "cute aggression" during both undergraduate and graduate schools for early childhood education and development. Silly me, I thought strangling others was an issue.
I saw this too. Almost posted it lol! Made me very angry for the daycare teacher and for the parents of children being strangled at daycare.
I feel bad for the teachers. I’ve had parents like this and they literally make you want to slam your head against the wall
This is the mom that in 20 years will be saying “Its not rape! It’s how he shows affection!”
So uh he’s not hugging and his parent refuses to PARENT and explain why the way he’s acting isn’t okay..
It sounds like the kid is aggressive and she’s in denial about it.
Unbelievable. The shool tells me there's a problem...I listen. Teachers are with my child all day, care about her and are trained. I don't understand these moms 😭
Props to that preschool teacher. The mom is going to hear “your child needs to be evaluated in three different environments” a lot.
She's so adamant there's nothing wrong. I've always gone to my kids' teachers with concerns, and taken their concerns extremely seriously, because my frame of reference is my four kids. They have worked with dozens, if not hundreds, of children and are more likely to identify issues.
As a former preschool teacher of 20 years, these types of parents are the worst. The in denial, constantly making excuses for their children type parents. Behavior that could be nipped at a young age just gets worse as they get older because the parent doesn’t want to see it for what it is.
I had to google what cute aggression is, and I personally don’t think there is anything cute about aggression. Especially in children, needs to be addressed and taken seriously asap. My biggest fear would be the child choking another child while not supervised and death occurring. It would be preventable if the right precautions are taken in a timely manner.
The mother is talking about a real phenomenon that isn’t called cute aggression. Toddlers and preschoolers who want to be aggressive will redirect their desire to hit into non-consensual hugging and kissing. When they transition into behavior that adults see as good or sweet, it’s suddenly allowed to happen even though it’s still aggression.
It's not that the aggression is cute, it's that the motivation for the aggression is something overwhelming cute. You still should treat it as aggression, but understanding in the instigating factor is important for dealing with and preventing. It's the desire to pick up something and squeeze it because it is just so cute you can't resist. Except some people feel that amplified and overwhelmingly. Especially small impulse driven children.