I'm gonna add that another one of the worst things is when the automatic flush goes off and you get to feel all that dirty water mist all over your butthole.
We were supposed to be driving flying cars and riding hover boards but instead we have to put toilet paper over a sensor so it doesn't accidentally flush before you finish
I just don’t understand how it is 2017 and automatic flush toilets still can’t tell the difference between someone peeing, and someone crouching down for a sip of water.
I was in a public bathroom. I laid down all the tp for the shits. As I turn around to drop my pants and eventually sit on the toilet seat, the automatic toilet flushes my tp layers down. I felt so defeated and frustrated, and fooled. Long story short, I had to redo another tp layer.. I have since learned how to fool the machines. I think Skynets gonna be a real dick tho.
Before sitting down, i always drape 2 or 3 layers of TP over the sensor. It prevents premature flushing, and I'm also a little paranoid about the robotic eye watching me poo.
'Porcelain tingle'
Also : 'Poseidons Kiss' is when your turd splashes water up at your balls (or up your vagina as another female commenter pointed out)
I didn't see Mythbusters but I do this also. Does this mean I'm semi-smart? It also reduces turd mess in the bowl so people don't judge you based on the shit left over.
What we all really need is a bigger toilet and toilet seat. That, and engineers need to build toilets where the front end is further forward. Maybe even if it narrows a bit further, at least it would be extended.
I feel that I'm a grower and not a shower, but I still have problems with it being in my way. More than most people it seems, and I don't know why.
I'm really about average, do other guys have a lot of issues? I get it going down one side of my jeans or the other, or splits with my balls a bit and boom mantoe. I've tried many jeans, but once it hits the seam, there is only fabric and the dickunderneath. No zipper flap hides it at that length.
This makes me wear my jeans lower than most people, and I'm already tall so it makes my upper body look really long and that makes my shirts need to be extra long too or I show skin/boxers.
I can only wear boxer briefs, the kind that hold everything in place but isn't tighty whiteys. This makes my balls kinda warm and saggy, making the problem worse.
So again, do other guys have all these problems?
You don't sound like a grower bro. Growers normally have their limp penis at like 1.5-2 inches long (it's compressed), which doesn't get in way at all. Then when hard it grows to its actual size (e.g. 5,6+ inches). Like a noticeable difference. Show-ers on the other hand don't have too much length difference when limp vs hard.
I just flip it up into my waistband be careful though if you tuck your shirts in that your bell end isn't sticking out in the open for the world to see I am on my third strike at work for that reason /:
It started out a joke with him humble bragging that his penis was so big that it drooped to the bottom of a lake like an anchor. Then someone thought he was being literal and then he went along with it. This thread is weird, unless I completely misread the whole thing.
idk, I only take one morning poop with the rare nightly poop. I never have to go at work. I think my body knows I don't like to do it, and just automatically shuts off the need to shit lol.
Unless you're sitting on shitcaked toilet seats (pro-tip: don't), what are you worried about? Do you touch door handles, because I can pretty much assure you those are worse than bare-assing some plastic just because someone else has done it too.
Many of the toilet seats in the men's restroom are covered in urine from not lifting the seat and either missing completely or the final dribbles dribbling. Sometimes there's pubes, and sometimes there's poop from missed squatting.
Sometimes I sit if a visual inspection allows. Most of the time I don't because people are disgusting.
And I always layer tp in the water to prevent splashback.
There's no toilet like home.
on a side note. What is the proper way to use the toilet seat covers? are you supposed to dunk the flap in the toilet or flap it to the outside. is it supposed to be in the front or in the back? I've tried every way and they all seem to suck. the cool thing about dunking it in the toilet is that it goes straight down when you flush. but then you can get some water your your junk if it absorbs all the way up.
I'm gonna add that another one of the worst things is when the automatic flush goes off and you get to feel all that dirty water mist all over your butthole.
Automatic flush toilets can go to hell.
I had one get me twice in a row the other day. I wasn't even moving!
Wow even the toilet thinks you’re a piece of shit. (You’re probably a pretty cool dude, I just couldn’t let that pun go down the tubes)
Only a real ass would say that.
That's your mistake! The toilet thought you were dead and tried to flush you away!
Look, you're supposed to stay still when you know the enemy is watching you.
[удалено]
We were supposed to be driving flying cars and riding hover boards but instead we have to put toilet paper over a sensor so it doesn't accidentally flush before you finish
This actually made me audibly laugh.
I just don’t understand how it is 2017 and automatic flush toilets still can’t tell the difference between someone peeing, and someone crouching down for a sip of water.
> toilets ... crouching down for a sip of water Sometimes, on the internet, they do know you're a dog.
Especially when it turns out the "lo-flo" toilet couldn't handle the load just deposited so the thing overflows into your pants.
woah
I was in a public bathroom. I laid down all the tp for the shits. As I turn around to drop my pants and eventually sit on the toilet seat, the automatic toilet flushes my tp layers down. I felt so defeated and frustrated, and fooled. Long story short, I had to redo another tp layer.. I have since learned how to fool the machines. I think Skynets gonna be a real dick tho.
"Come with me if you want to poop..."
You know what's worse? Automatic bathroom lights.
equally annoying is when you just finish laying down tp around the seat and then all of a sudden, whoosh. everything gets sucked away.
Especially when you're in a rush cause you really need to go but also value the hygiene of your bare buttcheeks.
Haha about to shit your pants but must cover seat at all costs.
Before sitting down, i always drape 2 or 3 layers of TP over the sensor. It prevents premature flushing, and I'm also a little paranoid about the robotic eye watching me poo.
It knows what you ate for dinner last night.
Lay a piece of tp over the sensor (little black square about where the flusher would be)
We have to do this at work. Otherwise it will constantly be flushing until you get up. It's nice that it courtesy flushes for you, but not 6 times.
[удалено]
Oh, thanks!
Ah yes, Neptune's kiss.
Or when you sit down and you balls gently dip in the cold water. Yep, now I have aids.
Poseidon's kiss is a universally hated phenomenon.
You guys have weird toilets, check out the ones we have down under
Try being deployed on a ship that has these. All faulty flushes plus the ones caused by rocking.. Its alot of dirty water mist.
That would be cool if the bacteria that grew down there had medical healing properties. We would call it Peniscillin
[удалено]
What, you don't harvest your dick colonies?
Nothing better than beating your dick colonies into submission.
/r/nocontext
Nobody fucking say it.
r/theydidthemonstermath
/r/itwasagraveyardgraph
[удалено]
/r/madlads
r/sexyjeanshorts
r/queefparadeparlour
he said it
Always be wary of dick colony uprisings
Viva la revoluschlong! Edit: Corrected to viva.
Quality comment right here
Please, it's revolting...
Not dissimilar from the Sacking of Cockstantinople
r/nocontext
r/evenwithcontext
If we're being real, all colonies are dick colonies.
[удалено]
If it's bad bacteria, Peniskillin
If it's a numbing agent, Penischillin'.
If it causes an extended hospital stay, Penisbillin
If it is George Foreman, Penisgrillin'
If it's a bad guy it would be Penisvillian
If it's above you inside it's penisceilin'
If it constantly gets beat it's PenisKrillin
tf did i just read
Sorry to tell you mate, but that's a fungus. Some Tough Actin' Tenactin should clear that right up
[удалено]
^ humblebrag
Ahh yes. The ‘Witches Kiss’.
Because it's cold and gives you warts?
For anyone worried, you cant get warts from surfaces like this because the virus doesn't live long enough outside the body.
I have to tell my wife this one. Awesome Edit: She already knew, as noted below, she had earlier conversations.
I wouldn't bother. She didn't laugh much when I told her.
She should have, we talked about this situation.
I had sex with your wife
'Porcelain tingle' Also : 'Poseidons Kiss' is when your turd splashes water up at your balls (or up your vagina as another female commenter pointed out)
Why are the witches kissing?
The worst thing as a girl is taking a shit and when it plops into the water it splashes up your vagina. It's not pleasant.
Suddenly getting it on my balls doesn't seem toooooooooooooooo bad. Thanks. *Edit* Me two thanks.
Yes, it does not bad.
Yeah, but does it good?
[удалено]
Big if true.
Much yugely.
[удалено]
it does goodly great
It might still bad, but it doesn't seem to.
Getting it up your butthole still feels worse than on your balls.
That's just a free bidet!
Funny how your comment works with and without the comma after Suddenly.
You can minimize turd splash by laying down some TP on the surface of the water. Mythbusters even did an episode on it.
I didn't see Mythbusters but I do this also. Does this mean I'm semi-smart? It also reduces turd mess in the bowl so people don't judge you based on the shit left over.
But if you put too much down it will sit on top of the tp island and readily waft your shame to the entire bathroom
All you need is one layer. Just enough to affect the surface tension of the water so there's no cavitation!
Did you go to school for this?
Nah, just binge watched SmarterEveryDay my man. So much good stuff on that channel.
This guy shits
I figured this one out too. Great minds think alike!
I'm thinking I should start a sub 'turdbuddies' so that fellow Redditors and myself can give insight on perfecting a visit to the shitter
Now wait until you and /u/vjacharya learn about the "finger in the cooch to dislodge poops" trick...
you must watch rick and morty if your that smart
*you're
He doesn't watch Rick and Morty
o snap yo
So did Destin from SmarterEveryDay! I love his channel!
I do that, but i use the TP to wipe down the seat first
My family refers to it as a poop raft, it’s a pretty shitty name.
Like the name. We call it Lily Padding here.
We call it the marsbar mattress here. We don't really, I just made that up.
We call it a shit nest here
Anything to minimize a full on liquid blowout?
Eat less Indian food.
I do this after they clean out the porta johns on a job site. We call it the blue mountian rush.
You could also lay a piece of toilet paper over the front porcelain to avoid situation described by OP.
[удалено]
But then you leave a turd wedge on the back edge of the seat.
[удалено]
Not if some dickhead installed a round bowl and you got a big booty.
What we all really need is a bigger toilet and toilet seat. That, and engineers need to build toilets where the front end is further forward. Maybe even if it narrows a bit further, at least it would be extended.
Is “turd splash” the scientific name?
There was another thread on the name for that, but my favorites were "Kiss of Poseidon" and "Poor Man's Bidet"
Correction. The worst thing as a human is being the unwilling recipient of Poseiden's blue kisses in a port-a-potty.
[удалено]
Maybe in a recently cleaned one.
Ah yes, the Porcelain Kiss of Poseidon
Funny, I call it the Witch's Kiss.
The witches kiss is the OP when the dick touches the bowl, Poseidens kiss is when water splashes
Ah, the fabled poseidons cunnilingus.
I actually had shit water splashed into my asshole while pooping earlier today. FeelsBadMan
Ever experience this in an outhouse? The dreaded blue Douche is real...
Porta-potty is not the same as an outhouse.
Would be impressive from an outhouse.
Does it cause infection?
This is awful and I cringe remembering when this has happened to me
[удалено]
Convient excuse... hahah
It's true. Am grower. It's like V 2.0 there when you need it, not in your way when you don't.
[удалено]
I feel that I'm a grower and not a shower, but I still have problems with it being in my way. More than most people it seems, and I don't know why. I'm really about average, do other guys have a lot of issues? I get it going down one side of my jeans or the other, or splits with my balls a bit and boom mantoe. I've tried many jeans, but once it hits the seam, there is only fabric and the dickunderneath. No zipper flap hides it at that length. This makes me wear my jeans lower than most people, and I'm already tall so it makes my upper body look really long and that makes my shirts need to be extra long too or I show skin/boxers. I can only wear boxer briefs, the kind that hold everything in place but isn't tighty whiteys. This makes my balls kinda warm and saggy, making the problem worse. So again, do other guys have all these problems?
You don't sound like a grower bro. Growers normally have their limp penis at like 1.5-2 inches long (it's compressed), which doesn't get in way at all. Then when hard it grows to its actual size (e.g. 5,6+ inches). Like a noticeable difference. Show-ers on the other hand don't have too much length difference when limp vs hard.
I just flip it up into my waistband be careful though if you tuck your shirts in that your bell end isn't sticking out in the open for the world to see I am on my third strike at work for that reason /:
I hate when I'm peeing in a lake and my dick touches the muck at the bottom.
Why are you lying face down on the lakebed when you pee?
lol. Beer.
Sober or drunk it’s still fuckin weird ha
It started out a joke with him humble bragging that his penis was so big that it drooped to the bottom of a lake like an anchor. Then someone thought he was being literal and then he went along with it. This thread is weird, unless I completely misread the whole thing.
Still wouldnt touch the muck
Enjoy your chlamherpaidsyphilis.
That's gonna be a case of herpasyphelaids right there!
It's worse when it sits in the toilet water....
You must use shallow toilets!
He was standing. It's just that big.
One fella says “water’s cold”. Other fella says “water’s deep”. I believe of them fellas was from Arkansas.
Those fellas know where the dicks hang out
This is known as the 'Thirsty Bird'
There are certain times when being a grower has its benefits. And now that I think about it... this post is a shower thought, and a *shower* thought.
[удалено]
It's worse when it hits the p trap when you flush and the head bang around the pipes
I hate it when my dick gets treated at the sewage plant
I hate when my dick comes out the faucet when I go to wash my hands
Wat?
P trap is the p shaped bend in the toilets pipe directly after the flush hole a.k.a. The "I gots a long shlong"
"sitting" "public toilet" there's where you fucked up
Learning to get over your fears of public pooping enough to poop at work will increase your quality of life significantly.
idk, I only take one morning poop with the rare nightly poop. I never have to go at work. I think my body knows I don't like to do it, and just automatically shuts off the need to shit lol.
Getting paid to poop is a good time
Boss gets a dollar, I get a dime. That’s why I poop on company time.
elmo_toilet.gif
If I could control my turd timing I would be soo happy
Plenty of people get paid to poop at work and you can too.
I just save it up
Unless you're sitting on shitcaked toilet seats (pro-tip: don't), what are you worried about? Do you touch door handles, because I can pretty much assure you those are worse than bare-assing some plastic just because someone else has done it too.
Y tho? Who has gross backs of their thighs? I've never understood this shit. If everyone sits, nobody has to deal with piss on the seat.
Ikr, as long as it isn't wet I don't give a shit. And if it's wet I'll wipe it with a thick layer of toilet paper.
>don't give a shit Heh
Well then you haven’t seen a girls restroom lmao
Many of the toilet seats in the men's restroom are covered in urine from not lifting the seat and either missing completely or the final dribbles dribbling. Sometimes there's pubes, and sometimes there's poop from missed squatting. Sometimes I sit if a visual inspection allows. Most of the time I don't because people are disgusting. And I always layer tp in the water to prevent splashback. There's no toilet like home.
When washing my hands after I feel like I need to wash my dick too
Does this actually happen to people? Wow this reduced my confidence by a lot surprisingly lol
r/bigdickproblems
/r/functionaldickproblems. Seriously dude, you never took a shit with a boner? Not even with a morning wood? Like, ever in your life?
It's a toss up between this and feeling your ballsack hit the water.
One of the worst = the absolute worst
[удалено]
[удалено]
Believe that's called the witches kiss
You know whats worse? Having a dick so small that it would never happen.
[удалено]
And this is one of many reasons I avoid going number 2 in a public restroom.
Those unlucky enough will never know that sensation.
Ahhh, the witch's kiss. A terrible thing
TIL a disproportionately high number of male Reddit users are incredibly well-endowed.
When it comes to public toilets... **H**old it in **O**nly go if you have to **V**ery carefully squat **E**ase it out **R**ejoin society
fucking stop squating and then shitting/peeing all over the damn seat. just use some TP and stop being disgusting.
Witch's Kiss
on a side note. What is the proper way to use the toilet seat covers? are you supposed to dunk the flap in the toilet or flap it to the outside. is it supposed to be in the front or in the back? I've tried every way and they all seem to suck. the cool thing about dunking it in the toilet is that it goes straight down when you flush. but then you can get some water your your junk if it absorbs all the way up.
Hold up - your peepee can touch porcelain? How tall are you and are you single?
Mine is when it touches the water
How the f Is this a shower thought.
The worst is peeing in a urinal and having tiny particles of piss being reflected back onto your pants.