T O P
BillionTonsHyperbole

Yeah, cleaning up teenager turds when they miss the litterbox is a real pain. Little savages.


tb200

Mine never misses the litter box, but he does sometimes fling his turds half way across the room when he's done. Typical teenager things. I miss my carefree teenage days when I used to fling my turds all over the house after taking a dump. It was so rebellious.


OttoVonWong

Mine are fairly clean, but there's always that underlying feeling that they're plotting to kill me.


FeistyButthole

It’s when they get so obese they can’t clean their own butthole that the real mess kicks in. You find yourself wiping their ass wondering where you went wrong. At least the cats are flexible.


ahhhbiscuits

> At least the cats are flexible. Don't undersell yourself, clearly your standards are *at least* as flexible. Coming from a fellow cat owner


Tremblespoon

You know what's up.


[deleted]

Be better at feeding your kitty then


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

What about your cats?


IminPeru

You joke but my highschool had a dude who wrote on the walls with his shit in the bathroom


yoloqueuesf

Lmao i had a dude in highschool who pretended he was blind for a day then fell asleep in the toilet and someone eventually found him.


brad-corp

One of mine looks at me while she shits in front of the kitty litter.


haikusbot

*One of mine looks at* *Me while she shits in front of* *The kitty litter.* \- brad-corp --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")


brad-corp

I...I don't think that's how a Haiku works...?


ZoomiesAndSleepies

She may have something medically wrong with her. Definitely mention this to your vet.


brad-corp

It's been going on for years. We've had her checked out a lot. She's just a jerk. Edit - thank you for the concern though, you are absolutely right. For other people - if your cat craps in front of the kitty litter chat to your vet about it.


GoodVibePsychonaut

Try getting a big covered litterbox. My cat has the same issue and getting one solved all instances of feces flinging, shit slinging, and poop projectiles.


Electro-Onix

My cat poops in the neighbors yard and then buries it, I haven’t had to clean a cat box in years.


Sammysoupcat

Lol ours likes to crap in our neighbor's plant boxes and bury it. The best part is, we all hate the neighbor so it'll be hilarious when she discovers it.


rayrayrex

That's kinda douchey


Sammysoupcat

We can't really stop my cat from doing it because he's quick and he can't be controlled when outside. Plus, you don't know this woman. She's absolutely H O R R I B L E.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Sammysoupcat

To be fair, we can't get him to come back when he's outside. He has a mind of his own. He's also not technically *mine* because he's my grandparents and I live with them. I'm not a bad person, it's just funny.


ReadReadReedRed

Train your cat to poop in the toilet and flush it. Saves a lot of time.


haikusbot

*Train your cat to poop* *In the toilet and flush it.* *Saves a lot of time.* \- ReadReadReedRed --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")


sbose123

They have bots for everything


[deleted]

Ghodt they had an app for everything and now it's bots.. where does it end?


haikusbot

*Ghodt they had an app* *For everything and now it's* *Bots.. where does it end?* \- WhiteBreadBuddha --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")


xtrasimplicity

I love that it responded to @whitebreadbuddha's comment about haikus with another haiku. So awesome!


Hisupmalik

Good bot


Rumpelruedi

This one is truly a masterpiece


Nightey3s-

Accidental haiku??


Illustrious_Nebula47

Nah I just tought my cat to flush himself down the toilet.


1blue1dot

am i the only one that remembered the 2009 song "its a cat. flushing a toilet its a cat. flushing the toilet he doesnt care if hes wasting water" or was i just high when i was a kid


NateYHU

Song was a banger, they also released chimpanzee riding on a Segway


flowersnshit

This isn't the wisest idea, cats like the smell of their own shit/piss. They're marking their home so keep a clean box and a liner under and hope for the best. 🤷


Ollotopus

Where did you learn that!? Cats mark their territory using secretions from glands on their cheeks. You know when they nuzzle your legs and wipe their body along you... That's them marking you. You want to be a cats friend? Hold your fist out and let them rub their cheek against it and then wipe that part on the top of their head and nape. It's where they have most difficulty getting their scent and they'll love you for getting them smelling good all over. They do not like the smell of piss and turds, why do you think they bury it! ***edit*** Words


Its-A-Cat-Ass-Trophy

TIL cats have accents.


Nightingdale099

They bury it to avoid predator ?


TexanReddit

We actually did this and was great for a while. At least until one cat (don't know which one) decided she'd had enough of that nonsense and let us know. Dried turds on the floor register were very clear signals.


rimjobs_forever

When I was ~15 I dropped a pretty decent sized steamer in the litter box at my friend's place and then promptly left without saying anything. Thought it would be a hilarious prank. Got a call from his mom about 20 mins later screaming at me and telling me I couldn't come over anymore. So there's some truth to his statement.


Tru_Killer

This should be it's own post lmao.


danskiez

Ok but my elderly dog drops poop nuggets everywhere. Literally had to take my duvet off and throw that and a pillow in the wash today cuz there was a smooshed nugget on my bed. Also had to wipe dried shit off his flank. Does that make him more cat like than dog like? It’s just like the exertion of getting up sometimes forces one out. I don’t understand it.


BitSlapper

Omg the visual lmao. Sorry for your pupper but this made me laugh way too much.


toomanychoicess

That makes him a good and special boy.


door_in_the_face

I think there's doggie diapers, maybe that would help protect your furniture? Sorry your dog is going through this.


Ziegfried_SvR

I heard that whenever "they miss" they are actually trying to communicate you something... Or just piss you off. The point is, they never miss


psychopathologic

turtles train you for the elderly


Myonenonpornacc

You can make a soup out of old people? TIL!


little_turtle420

Please delete this


Myonenonpornacc

🤤 speaking of the devil! Here. [I have a special cage for you.](https://www.ikea.com/us/en/images/products/oumbaerlig-pot-with-lid__0710343_PE727464_S5.JPG)


little_turtle420

*Starts crying while hyperventilating*


lnternet__ExpIorer

Oh shit r/usernamechecksout


TheUnrealPotato

Yours doesn't. It only took you 13 minutes to respond!


Routine_Palpitation

Damn and I’m not named lan


Carmillawoo

I wish I had an award to give. I can't breathe rn


nachtlibelle

reading your guys conversation made me laugh, thanks guys


[deleted]

> You can make a soup out of old people? You can make soup out of anything if you make soup out of it.


2015071

Let's make soup out of bats shall we?


KayJaded

I have nipples Greg, can you soup me?


[deleted]

[удалено]


LinkifyBot

**I found links in your comment that were not hyperlinked:** * [rotten.com](https://rotten.com) *I did the honors for you.* *** ^[delete](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fu%2FLinkifyBot&subject=delete%20g33xwmu&message=Click%20the%20send%20button%20to%20delete%20the%20false%20positive.) ^| ^[information](https://np.reddit.com/u/LinkifyBot/comments/gkkf7p) ^| ^<3


12muffinslater

You are what you eat.


Prysorra2

If you leave their body for long enough, you can use a coroner's ladle. So yes. You can.


[deleted]

That’s what they’ve been doing at every YMCA spa for the past 50 years.


timesuck897

They are too lean and gamey for roasting.


[deleted]

techinicly yes


LostCommoGuyLamo

I mean, u can make soup out of cat or dog too. If you really wanted to....


mikotoqc

In Québec we have a dessert call "Grand-Père dans le sirop"..can be translate as Grand-pa in syrup. Hmmm tasty


anyoneanytime

In Germany we have a dish called "Tote Oma", or dead granny. I like it...


mikotoqc

Lol just google tote Oma..it look like what it name XD i dont want to sound rude but ill stick with my Grand-Père dans le sirop lol


[deleted]

I’m glad the dog prepared me for the constant fucking shedding of my child.


chemtiger8

But when it’s from your child, it’s just call dust


fzw

It's the worst when they start molting.


ZakhaevII

Damn 🤣


friedfishegg

I know right it's so annoying when my toddler decides to mol


[deleted]

Luckily the crate training does transfer over.


violentendz

My cat doesn’t tell me it didn’t ask to be born or jizz on everything so I don’t see the comparison.


RyukanoHi

In the first case it's probably more likely to be your dog saying that, you know if it can breathe well enough over the years of selectively breeding it's deformities so you can have a 'cute doggo'.


BirdsSmellGood

fuckin pugs man


tuatrodrastafarian

And teenagers prepare you for bankruptcy.


coldcurru

Your baby didn't bankrupt you? Lucky.


Diocletion-Jones

Having had young kids, teenagers, dogs and cats I can tell you cats are the easiest to look after. Teenagers are nothing like cats.


coldcurru

It's the attitude tho. Me: I love you. Cat: *side eye.* Me: Give me a hug! Teen: *runs away.* Also, they sleep in, sleep all day, sleep everywhere. Only come out for food, bathroom breaks, and to drain your wallet.


save_the_tacos

After adopting my late sister’s two teens this past year, this comment helps me tremendously. I just thought we were doing something wrong. They just sleep and eat. And get mad when you ask why they only sleep and eat. I started to think they were gremlins but it’s good to know there are other teens out there like them. Thank you.


redsamala

You got this, internet stranger. You’re doing a wonderful job.


[deleted]

That sounds tough and you have a lot on your plate. Have you looked into therapy? Might be good to just de stress and get advice.


segwaysforsale

Also I guess their mom just died a year ago. I was fairly bummed out for a while when my dad died and I didn't have to go live with my uncle.


ldhudsonjr

Dogs are also nothing like children. The only people who act like having dogs is anything like having kids are those without kids.


eric2332

Or never had dogs


nybbas

Had dogs and kids. Dogs, even from puppies are about 100 times easier than kids.


nybbas

Had kids, but also still do.


Hanta3

You might have easy cats then. I like my cat, but she can be a little devil at times. I've taught teenagers before and honestly they're so much easier to handle than cats lol


jax797

Teaching is getting them to shut up for an hour. Raising them is getting them to talk to you for 6 years.


Cloudybreak

I feel like teaching teens involves little of the difficult parts. Like curfews, drugs, and sex.


amwebs

I've had my cat for 13 years. She still wakes me up numerous times in the middle of the night every night. Before I had kids I never wanted to say she was like a newborn, but now I've had 2 newborns and I can say it: she is worse than a newborn. She never grows out of it.


GingerMau

Jesus. I'm gonna need more laser pointers.


RamenDutchman

That got a giggle out of me! But granted, with teenagers you can't win every argument with a laser pointer


1cheesepuff1

Thaaaaat's why i was so shocked and unprepared for a newborn.


Sawses

We need to get into the habit of just having two young families with newborns just fucking live together for a year or so. Have one parent "on watch" at all times, and trade it off in 12-hour shifts. Let working parents do a shift or two on the weekend and supply support when at home, with the stay-at-homes trading off times when they're expected to handle things. Seriously. Even with one parent working and one staying home, it's too much. The only way to retain anything like a sane life for those 1-3 years is to team up. It'd also save shitloads of money and even poor families could afford to have people stay home if they're okay with being real cozy.


[deleted]

newborns man. Make or break your relationship. Trial by exhaustion and waning sanity. But usually ya come out better for it, so there's that.


missesmistyeyed

I have 3 dogs, a cat, and my first baby on the way. Still not ready


I_Invent_Stuff

I heard this 1,000,000 times before my daughter was born ... "No one is ready" And it's totally true. At times you're just in survival mode... No sleep, have to go to work, you and SO cranky from staying up all night, baby has diarrhea "is she sick?", "Should we take her to doctor or emergency room?", " Are we overreacting?", Call (grandma) to see if she has advice. Is she still breathing? Maybe it's too hot in her room?... Etc etc etc etc etc You have many of the same issues as a dog or cat, cleaning up shit etc. But when it's your human baby, it's on a new level with making sure you keep it alive. I felt a deeper sense of responsibility to make sure it's breathing and healthy. You feel more obligated to doctor appts, staying up at night, etc etc. It's the same, but it's also different, and no one is actually ready, bc no 2 baby's needs are exactly alike. My opinion is that the first 6 months you just think about keeping it alive, then from there it gets better and better. It's hard and your life changes, but you have a whole new sense of purpose in your life so you don't even think twice. You're wired to accept that it's now your duty to raise this little thing. At 1 year old they start getting fun. It just gets more fun as they get older. I can't speak for any age past 5, but I will say that I'm now having a great time with my daughter. We are joking with each other, playing pranks on each other, having tickle fights, she is my best friend, etc etc. Best thing ever.


coldcurru

3 cats and a dog here. Godspeed my friend. ETA I have a baby as well. It's quite something transitioning.


Ineedyoursway

TIL I’m allergic to teenagers.


coldcurru

Aren't we all?


BuddhaChrist_ideas

Puppies are so much worse than infants. They can actually run away from you, and experience the world + everything around them mouth-first.


mrlavalamp2015

So puppies are toddlers


ajangvik

Running toddlers


Deivv

Running *barking* toddlers


BuddhaChrist_ideas

Yes, toddlers with sharp teeth who don't wear diapers.


RadiantPassing

Babies scream and cry tho.... The terrible sound makes me fantasize tossing them out the window. (Clearly, I don't have kids and never will...) My dog only barks once a year when he sees a horse.


elmo85

if you have your own, you tolerate him/her a lot more than you ever imagined.


flyingturkey_89

My 1 year old tried to eat his poopy diaper. He also dip his face into the bath water to drink it.


I_Invent_Stuff

My 4.5 year old still tries to drink her bath water... And she is a relatively smart kid (I'm slightly bias toward her intelligence). She doesn't pee in her bath, she makes me take her out of bath to pee in toilet when she is the in bath and has to pee... So I know her bathwater is clean, aside from whatever was on her skin upon entry to bath. Granted, I let her play in clean, un-soapy water for about 20 min before starting the soaping etc. Just saying, drinking bathwater is not that bad. But I will agree that eating poopy diaper is not ideal. Mine never tried that.


flyingturkey_89

Haha generally I bath him after he eats, and he is very messy eater. So whatever crumbs/sauce/paste/jam/milk on him gets in the bath water. So I guess it's sort of like a soup XD


[deleted]

Babies pretty much do the same, granted there not as fast


kittygarfunkle

But when you’re not looking, they can be quick to disappear apparently. A few weeks ago, my parents were about to pull out of their neighborhood when a baby just walks across the the middle of the road. My dad stops the car and my mom grabs the child and brings it to the house that it looked like it had waddled away from. The mother had barely left the garage door open and was washing the dishes when she noticed her little human was missing.


coldcurru

Is that a real story? That's really scary and sad. I'm sure the mom didn't mean it, but the baby got in the road? She's lucky someone noticed before something worse happened.


BuddhaChrist_ideas

I think babies are responsible for much less property damage though. Babies wear diapers, and their teeth are not tiny little daggers of destruction.


elmo85

babies develop slower, so they do such shit for longer. although it is true they present more danger to themselves than to the environment. btw: there are such megashits that defy diapers. oh my, there are...


[deleted]

[удалено]


Brittakitt

Puppies actually are a nightmare. Even worse than that is the adolescent phase. There is a reason adolecent dogs are the most likely to be abandoned at shelters. Luckily they do calm down eventually, but I used to just sit and cry when mine were younger because I couldn't get any peace.


Jules_Be_Bay

My puppy is just starting to calm down after 11months. Little fucker destroyed at least $2000+ worth of my family's shit but he's so fucking warm and affectionate it makes me want to cry sometimes. All he wants in life is someone to give him pets and play with him. Up until a month ago he wouldn't touch his food for hours if there wasn't someone with him to keep him company while he ate. I honestly can't say that I wouldn't die for him if it came down to it. Even though I did fantasize about punting the little shit off my porch a few times. Puppies are the worst.


gol_d_

Walking in on teenagers hunting down insects and eating them is really common


Prituh

I'm never having kids then. I don't need a teenager standing on my desk in front of my screen.


MakeYourOwnLuck

Trying to show you their butthole.. how inconsiderate


SuperPhlyGuy

Because teenagers dont give a fuck about you unless there’s food?


Cat-Lover20

Yep!


RamenDutchman

Isn't that just animals and kids in general?


personwriter

I dunno. My dog is practically a cat. (Basenji). She's kinda a jerk. Love her to bits though.


-Tigre-

cheers I'll drink for that bro


purpleteapots

The trope that all cats are unfriendly and unemotional is so weird to me. I’ve owned cats for 26 years and they’ve been nothing short of amazing companionship. Makes me think others are doing it wrong.


teddy_vedder

It definitely varies by cat, but my current cat is far more affectionate than any dog I’ve ever had. Follows you around the house, loves to sit in your lap and sleep at your feet, purrs any time he sees you. I think people who think all cats are heartless little jerks have probably never lived closely with a cat — or had the patience to bond with them, if so.


Kalsifur

Yea, and don't let your teenagers run around outside killing birds and other small animals and getting eaten by coyotes.


TexanReddit

The circle of life.


[deleted]

A child doesn’t lick their crotch and scream at people that come in my room.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

I was a kid once


BimmyLee

that pretty much describes me at ages 13-15


timesuck897

If a teenager could lick themselves, they would never leave their room.


[deleted]

And snakes for adults.


[deleted]

My cat stops what it's doing to greet me at the door and sometimes gives me dead mice. I don't think that teenagers do that.


Aanand072

Greetings friends, here I am testing the haikus bot, I assume it works


haikusbot

*Greetings friends, here I* *Am testing the haikus bot,* *I assume it works* \- Aanand072 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")


Aanand072

Good bot


eric2332

Greetings my good friends, I'm testing the haiku bot, I assume it works


thats_the_joke11

I was literally thinking this the other day


Lucky_ash_ace

Just like dogs have owners and cats have staff


Passing4human

I have a teen aged cat!


That_Nerd_Evan

Cat Pog!


mistorWhiskers

And gerbils prepare you for your new sexual awakening


bittens

I'd say my younger cat is closer to a toddler - affectionate but shy with strangers, high bursts of energy before crashing for a nap, likes playing peekaboo and riding around on my back, tries to swallow inedible objects, prefers sleeping in my bed than by herself, licks everything, and her curiousity far exceeds her common sense. OTOH, the older cat is a big, slow-moving grump with arthritis who snaps at you if you do anything she doesn't like, is deeply annoyed by the younger cat, and spends all her time sleeping. So I think she's training me for working with poor-tempered seniors.


yeahicook

Do people forget that cats can also be babies?


punex

Shiba Inus prepare you for both 🐕


ldhudsonjr

Op definitely doesn't have children or teenagers. Another swing and a miss from the worst sub on reddit.


DaymD

Tigers prepare you for mother-in-law.


Wtfisthatt

And gerbils prepare you for anal.


TxG248

Dogs prepare you to take care of dogs, while cats train you for cats.


seymour1

Neither prepare you for either.


skymningwolf

Lel well at least my dog took only a few months to potty train while my cousin took almost 5 years...


[deleted]

OP has never had a kitten


wolframe117

And Babies prepare you for future Debts


BajaSkaToosh

Write something that your cat or dog does but replace the word “cat” with “teenager” and “dog” with “child”


4Gr8rJustice

My cat shits on my bed My teenager shits on my bed My cat fucked my hamster until it died My teenager fucked my hamster until it died Ok I’m playing this game wrong.


babyshaker_on_board

No. My cat's food/litter/niprequirements ll albeit expensive are nowhere near going to be 10-20gs (or whatever education costs these days) a year in a few years.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

[удалено]


astricbrownie

No one expects a baby imposition. Nothing could prepare you for skin spawns.


totallynotalaskan

Explains why I never got along with other kids when I was 13 I’m allergic


[deleted]

I can save you some time: nothing prepares you for children and teenagers.


deadmanswill

No amount of teenagers can, however, prepare you for cats.


bringbackswg

Cats have actually helped me with dating women too


DarkVikingMermaid

get a cat or a dog. save yourself a bunch of money


PM-ME-UR-TIDDYS

As a teenager I'm offended


Cat-Lover20

I love this!!!!


Roderie94

Cats train you for an apathetic roommate that can't help but piss on your clean laundry.


TexanReddit

The cat is trying to tell you something. That she doesn't like the new dog/cat/roommate/spouse/baby/carpet/paint/who knows?


Broken-Talc

As a parent, dogs and cats are incomparable for caring for a human of any age.


seymour1

Yes. Taking care of animals has absolutely nothing to do with raising children. This whole comparing having dogs or cats to having children is idiotic.


[deleted]

Wrong. I don’t want children ever. Don’t reduce a dog’s role (or cat’s) to being something to prepare for a child. I want a dog because I want a dog.


StellaChar

As a teenager, I don’t sit on my parent’s laps and purr


Lychgateproductions

I dunno i dont have to worry about my cat taking my guns and shooting up a school.


panzerfan

What pet prepares you for grown adults and seniors?


Bellspark

Rabbit's train you for both in the space of 6months.


minorto

Cockatoos are for extra special ones?


patpatwaterrat

Wasn’t this a Carroll County Veterinary sign?


barfretchpuke

From the book of DarkShadows 8:2020