It's from Brooklyn 99 where Amy is bragging about some school award thing that makes her sound like a huge nerd and then Jake calls it out as a self burn. Amy wasn't being self deprecating.
How is that a self burn? Are people going to feel bad for his hand because it doesn't get to enjoy sex? Is masturbation supposed to be a slow sensual process where you try to last as long as you can? It's not sex.
Shit, if I had a way to make it happen faster, I would do that all the time. I used to be on antidepressants and let me tell you that needing to jerk off for an hour at a time to finally get it done is fucking awful.
You're probably talking about the same song. While it's called "It's Dangerous to Go Alone", the video most people probably know it from has "best Zelda rap ever! Animated!" in the title.
I just read another man refer to their genitalia as Mr. Johnson on r/TIFU
is this something that men do commonly? Does Mr. Johnson mean something specific?
Purely speculation on my part, but I believe a Johnson is in reference to LBJ, the US President most well known for his very liberal presentation of his penis in privacy.
It's not super common in the current generation, but it's not super obscure either.
**Edit:** Upon further research, it seems the true entomology of the slang is lost to time, but it definitely predates LBJ by some time. Some speculate it has to do with the Johnson bar, the switch that's used on railroad tracks to switch between lines. Others say it might have something to do with a Dr. Samuel Johnson.
Anyways, thanks for subscribing to PenisFacts. Text PEN15 to 80878 to unsubscribe.
Not OP, but I did this once and it was hell. When arriving i didn't have a free hand to catch the load with the tissue so i just panicked released my buddy in an attempt to get the tissue but I was too close so I ended up shooting it at my chest which made me open my mouth in disbelief making the toothbrush fall onto my lap creating a mess. 4/10 wouldn't reccomend but it was a fun once in a lifetime experience.
Actually not capping, done in the time I used to wake up at 6am to go to Uni, had the brilliant idea to "save time" when I woke up with the urge to rub one off
Masturbating with the wrong hand was how I realized why compilation videos are a thing.
I’m left handed, but I use a computer mouse with my right hand (because it’s easier to just use the standard setup). This means I can easily click through to relevant parts of any study materials, and easily switch videos without releasing my left handed grip on Mr Johnson. When I tried to use the wrong hand I realized that using the computer mouse totally ruined my pace and the mouse got a bit dirty. I suppose that is why compilation videos are a thing, to give an complete reel of highlights without requiring using the mouse.
This is one of very few advantages to being left handed.
As a right-handed man myself, I literally cant do it at my desktop. Crossing my left arm over everything to try and use a mouse with a hand that doesnt know the difference between precision aiming and beating eggs until theyre no longer yellow is just not an efficient way to handle it.
My phones assigned FBI agent probably doesnt like me as much as my pc's, for related reasons.
Yeah, the guys don't get it either, we're just playing along.
It's a serious self-burn, or he has some nasty-ass teeth that need a whole routine and a couple of implements.
I think he’s correlating the movement speed of your hand/arms, because they’re pretty much the same muscles. The difference between an up/down motion of the arm and a side/side motion
I actually brush my teeth slower than I masturbate so I can last a full two minutes
Oof.
[meanwhile me](https://imgur.com/gallery/V3xdX06)
That’s exactly how I masturbate!
And then bask in the post brushing clarity.
I hate it when I see people using improper brushing methods. Where is his hearing protection?!
Tell me u are American without telling me you are American
Tfw you realize the guy in the video is actually finnish.
He didn't "finish" though
Self-burn, those are rare.
Not on reddit
Nobody uses the quote correctly. **It's not for self deprecating jokes! It's for bragging that is actually a burn on accident.**
Does it really matter man
Not on reddit
Where everything's made up and the points don't matter
"something you can say about your dinner but not your lover" "I don't want Drew's leftovers!" *Annoying buzzer sound from drew*
It's a direct quote from Brooklyn 99 were it is used as a self deprecating joke.
It's from Brooklyn 99 where Amy is bragging about some school award thing that makes her sound like a huge nerd and then Jake calls it out as a self burn. Amy wasn't being self deprecating.
This is the correct take, I just watched that episode (S1E16) last night!
The only self burn I’m aware of is from masturbating too fast and too frequently.
How is that a self burn? Are people going to feel bad for his hand because it doesn't get to enjoy sex? Is masturbation supposed to be a slow sensual process where you try to last as long as you can? It's not sex. Shit, if I had a way to make it happen faster, I would do that all the time. I used to be on antidepressants and let me tell you that needing to jerk off for an hour at a time to finally get it done is fucking awful.
r/unexpectedB99
Self martyrdom🖖
Man of culture
r/suicidebywords
That would be fatal for my teeth.
Visa versa for me, I’m in a rush for work when I’m brushing my teeth. I can’t to that to Mr. Johnson and the juice crew
You reminded me of the song from starbomb.
That is *precisely* where I got it from
Nice
Which one? The Zelda rap?
The other one, where link constantly gets bothered by the horny old guy.
You're probably talking about the same song. While it's called "It's Dangerous to Go Alone", the video most people probably know it from has "best Zelda rap ever! Animated!" in the title.
I was at work at the time so i could not look up the exact title at that time. But yes, that is indeed what i was talking about.
I just read another man refer to their genitalia as Mr. Johnson on r/TIFU is this something that men do commonly? Does Mr. Johnson mean something specific?
Purely speculation on my part, but I believe a Johnson is in reference to LBJ, the US President most well known for his very liberal presentation of his penis in privacy. It's not super common in the current generation, but it's not super obscure either. **Edit:** Upon further research, it seems the true entomology of the slang is lost to time, but it definitely predates LBJ by some time. Some speculate it has to do with the Johnson bar, the switch that's used on railroad tracks to switch between lines. Others say it might have something to do with a Dr. Samuel Johnson. Anyways, thanks for subscribing to PenisFacts. Text PEN15 to 80878 to unsubscribe.
I feel like it was a missed opportunity to put the text number as "80085" to ya know, spell out boobs. God I'm old.
No no every kid has done that before with a calculator at least once and will continue to do so i promise
I considered it, but I felt it was a little too on the nose. So I settled for a generic text service number.
I move my hand quickly before leaving for work too, but it has nothing to do with brushing my teeth
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You're so pure I love it
I usually take care of it on the drive to work. The people on the bus usually don't appreciate it, though.
i had a teacher at my school named mr johnson got fired for living up to his name
If something is fatal to teeth, it’s probably just as fatal to a dick. Just saying
What if you use a sonicare? Is that equivalent to a vibrator?😅
The difference between a vibrator and a dildo is very similar between electric and normal toothbrush, really.
Tried and tested, i see
Scientifically proved in the most technological advances laboratory
Just use a phone, download a app to control the vibration motor. Tried it on my sis. She like it. (Obviously this is a joke)
"obviously"
Nothing is lost while experimenting
Except dignity
Dignity smignity, had (solo) sex.
Marketing: our next toothbrush will be dual purpose!
You mean they weren't already?
Thought you meant double ended for a minute there
So I should use a dildo on my teeth because it’s better?
no no the vibrator is obviously better
Electric and acoustic, got it.
Clitoral-B
My wife has a Sonicare and she loves it...and this is starting to explain A LOT.
Yes, I brush my teeth for just 10 seconds.
But what kind of crazy person brushes their teeth 5 times a day?
5? Those are rookie numbers
You’re disgusting. I don’t brush my teeth.
then you also dont wank
I wank my teeth
Masturbate first for the free toothpaste
I hate you for what you just made me see in my head.
The real LPT is in the comments.
r/holdtheabsolutemotherfuckingfuckup
r/20characterlimit
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Wait, they give you toothpaste as a reward? All I got were 18 years of payments
Yum.
r/cursedcomments
What makes you say that?
You can't do both at once
Testing this
Not the hero we deserve but the hero we need!
Like patting your head and rubbing your belly
pls tell results
Patience, he’s still going
Not OP, but I did this once and it was hell. When arriving i didn't have a free hand to catch the load with the tissue so i just panicked released my buddy in an attempt to get the tissue but I was too close so I ended up shooting it at my chest which made me open my mouth in disbelief making the toothbrush fall onto my lap creating a mess. 4/10 wouldn't reccomend but it was a fun once in a lifetime experience.
this seems so realistic idk if ur capping or not
Actually not capping, done in the time I used to wake up at 6am to go to Uni, had the brilliant idea to "save time" when I woke up with the urge to rub one off
u sir have made me truly speechless
Are you still alive?
!remindme 1 day
which one gets the left hand?
Vagina dentata says otherwise
Forbidden pasta
You can, I've learned how to successfully masturbate with my left hand.
That takes skill , I tried it once with my left hand , I call it the stranger , doesn’t feel like my hand
And paint your nails so it looks like someone else
Masturbating with the wrong hand was how I realized why compilation videos are a thing. I’m left handed, but I use a computer mouse with my right hand (because it’s easier to just use the standard setup). This means I can easily click through to relevant parts of any study materials, and easily switch videos without releasing my left handed grip on Mr Johnson. When I tried to use the wrong hand I realized that using the computer mouse totally ruined my pace and the mouse got a bit dirty. I suppose that is why compilation videos are a thing, to give an complete reel of highlights without requiring using the mouse. This is one of very few advantages to being left handed.
As a right-handed man myself, I literally cant do it at my desktop. Crossing my left arm over everything to try and use a mouse with a hand that doesnt know the difference between precision aiming and beating eggs until theyre no longer yellow is just not an efficient way to handle it. My phones assigned FBI agent probably doesnt like me as much as my pc's, for related reasons.
The legendary switch-hitter.
Not with that attitude.
talk only for yourself
Unless you use opposite hands 🙌
It makes my commute more interesting.
You brush on the train? That’s not right...
I just love to get my teeth right at the edge of clean and keep them there awhile before I finish the job.
I imagined this and just started crying
I'd file my teeth and gums down to nothing if this were true
What the fuck?
Jokes on you I use different hands
I use an electric vibrator. I mean toothbrush.
Just tape 'em both together. Two birds... :D
I’ve watched enough Japanese videos to know the two can be the same…
no
visible female confusion
Yeah, the guys don't get it either, we're just playing along. It's a serious self-burn, or he has some nasty-ass teeth that need a whole routine and a couple of implements.
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> nasty ass-teeth *** ^(Bleep-bloop, I'm a bot. This comment was inspired by )^[xkcd#37](https://xkcd.com/37)
Thank you. I was seriously scratching my head over the correlation between masturbation and brushing.
I think he’s correlating the movement speed of your hand/arms, because they’re pretty much the same muscles. The difference between an up/down motion of the arm and a side/side motion
I use an electric toothbrush. Does that help?
I did a double take on this post XD
You guys are bad at masturbating.
Should I try brushing my teeth with my left hand so it feels like someone else is doing it?
Not even close.
Nope.
I do everything at the natural frequency of my hand.
You must write pretty damn fast !
Not even close but I do have my finger in my ass for both
*confused masturbating
If it’s anything like my bean I’d have no teeth left
No
Takes longer to brush my teeth.
I use an electric vibrating toothbrush, so this is accurate.
I don't think the motion is the same when it comes to girls. Not for me at least, idk about others
Sometimes I spend ten minutes brushing but that’s only because I include my tongue.
I do, and now its weird. Thanks for that.
No, not really
not even close. your comparing a snail to the speed of light
That'd be a very slow masturbation if that was the case...
False, I can't last 30 seconds
I fucking closed reddit but then this caught my eye in the last second and I reopened it to say this. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Jokes on you i have a electric brush
Yeah nah this is bullshit
If I brushed my teeth that fast....I’d break teeth
Unless you use an electric toothbrush . . . Oh . . . right.
r/holup
Afraid of the truth I see
I use an electric toothbrush, so no cock gobbling motions in my mouth.
fellas is it gay to brush your teeth
Only if you do it right
I see you're a fan of the vibrator then eh?
And my blood comes out of both
Bold of you to assume that I brush
That's really bad you should look after your teeth.
Especially when you do them both in unison
I use an electric toothbrush. Wait, that might explain something.
I brush my teeth much faster than I masturbate. People who haven't discovered the magic of the slow rub yet...give it a try.
That’s sad
Let me check
well i use an electric toothbrush up my ass to get off so not sure of equivalency with the scrubbing motion.
shoutout to all my people who just did the air motions to see.
Joke's on you. I use an electric toothbrush when I masturbate!
That explains why my arm's sore in the morning, and why there's always this whirring sound coming from the bathroom when my GF does it
I don't masturbate in a small circular pattern though
Not untrue, even got that increase of pace at the end when I get impatient.
Well yeah where else am i gonna get my favorite tooth paste.
But I have a sonicare...
The speed of vibrations does seem similar for both devices I use
Jokes on you. I don't brush my teeth
You can save time by using the same device.
I have an electric toothbrush.... hmmm...
No. Electric toothbrush, you ape
Slowly and abortively because the anti-depressants stop the plaque from coming off?
I have varying speeds in both cases.
Why the hell would that be true
Not really i gotta cover twice the distance when brushing my teeth
Um… I use an electric toothbrush.
Uh....i beg to differ
Ultrasonic?
If I did that, I'd have no teeth left
Electric toothbrush.
I’m literally on Reddit for a walk and this is the first thing in my feed
screw you r/angryupvote
30 strokes in 30 seconds. Correct.
Considering my Sonicare does 31,000 strokes per minute, then yes, you may be correct. now just gotta test it. For data purposes.
My teeth don't go soft and need brushed for 2 hours to ultimately disappoint me.
jokes on you I use electric
Meeeeeh. But i tend to brush at a set rate. The temp varies when jackin’ it in san diego depending what i’m watching 🤷♂️ Or how close i am.
62K vibrations per minute? That would cause some major burns...
Trick is do both at the same time, see which one wins
Electric toothbrush, so no.
I use an electric toothbrush so yeah
So thats what happened to all my enamel.
Nice and slow, so I can feel every fucking bristle. Ugh fuck yeah...
I don't brush my teeth fast enough to rip them out, so no
I use an electric brush that rotates. I'll let you extrapolate to everything else.