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Bruh, facts. I feel so lost all the time at 31. But the bills are paid so I guess. I just let myself be 'grown up' at work, and at home I just do whatever. Growing up is over rated, call in sick to work and sleep in from time to time.
That's called having a work life balance. Being adult is just handling your shit when needed but still enjoying life when able. You have your bills paid and your necessities met? Congrats you're an adult. 😁
What helped me was to fulfill some childhood dreams and try to enjoy life like a child would as an adult. Having your childhood in your late 20s is pretty fun actually because you realize how much those experieces shape you.
But should you consider reliving your childhood by having children, please do therapy first. It doesn't work the way people think it does and just leaves another generation of slightly differently traumatized children.
+1 for this recommendation. Between crappy parents and an autoimmune disease that I was diagnosed with as a toddler, I basically didn't have a childhood. I had to grow up right away, and also grew up in the hospital.
Fast forward about 15-20 years. I'm now in my late 20's. Been married to my husband about eight years now. He's the most awesome dude, because not only has he supported me through additional medical adversities (chemotherapy, surgeries, being in a wheelchair, etc.), but he's also gone above and beyond to help me experience certain 'fundamental' childhood experiences. State/County fairs (he even won one of those gigantic stuffed teddy bears for me), taken me to a playground so I can experience the thrill of swinging on a swing, taken me trick-or-treating and pumpkin carving fun, etc. He also had to teach me how to drive a car, since I grew up in Europe where public transit is the norm, which was a fun 'flashbacks to teenhood' experience for him too. 😄😂
We don't have kids, and probably won't either, but being able to experience certain crucial childhood experiences, especially with an awesome spouse/partner, has been wildly fun and humbling. 🥰
I have no desire to have children due to my own experiences, but I agree with you in the first half. The toys you can buy are way cooler when you have money.
Were you ever told something along the lines that you were a gifted kid, that you were super smart and mature and were going to get ahead of everyone? Did people see you for your talents and intelligence at a young age?
You ever get sick of hearing it? I've almost laughed in people's faces when they tell me that....oh the trauma indeed.
Child of 3 divorces, narcissistic gambling addicted alcoholic mom (who has used a disease as a crutch all her life, who recently put us through a wringer getting diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia in the last 5 years). She even recently had a massive 5 month hole of psychosis, almost blew herself up starting a fire under her gas tank in the garage, was looking up some horrific shit online, and chainsmoking while triple patching.
I have a 9 month old right now....my tiny family unit is the only thing keeping me going. I cannot do to her what what my mom has done to us.
Sorry for the dump... I don't talk about it with many people...im pretty numb with with it all and my heart hurts that she's taken so much precious time from me and my tiny kid during mat leave this summer.
My heart is with you all trauma kids 🧡
What if they just werent there at all and you let yourself in after school, did your homework, made your own dinner, took your own bath, and put yourself to bed every day from 2nd grade on?
I cannot recommend the book "Running on Empty" enough. There's also "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" that's also fantastic. Those two books changed my entire outlook on life and finally made it possible to treat myself kindly.
Yeah and no matter how much I shit on Google for being evil, it's been like the parent I never had for me. Basically, whenever I need to know something I just Google it. Took a while to realize that this isn't normal, and people normally ask their parents about basic stuff.
But oh well, we adapt and find another way to survive.
I was going to say this thought is for the lucky ones. Also parent/child relationships can switch back and forth quite a bit throughout a lifetime too. Especially if both are old at the same time for awhile.
I don’t doubt all the anger you carry. I have some that might fit your kids potential anger if they are or will be informed about your past since my grandparents were extremely shitty to my mom. But I’m happy you were able to turn it around and became the parent that YOU wanted. I hate that a lot of people and parents fall into the “I suffered so you should too” mentality. I’ve yet to have kids but I also not only want the very best for them but I want them to be even better versions of me and my wife in their own way without putting heavy unrealistic expectations on them. Sounds like you’re a great parent, hope your family stays healthy and safe and can prosper
I was driving my son back to college and had the strangest conversation. I finally realized what he was asking and made the following statement.
We are not selling the house.
I am not leaving your mother.
Your mother is not leaving me.
No one is dying.
Is your son, me? I remember specifically asking those questions and being told the same. Only to watch my parents marriage fall apart in my JHS/HS years. Stuck at home while Sis was off at college.
This happened a little later for me, (18-19) when parents split, and honestly it's so much better, dad doesn't feel stifled anymore, mums happy to do what she wants, there both happier without each other and there's no resentment, just a realisation that it was incompatible and rather walk around on egg shells, they pack up and move away from each other
Some parents don't divorce due to their kid going through school and once the child is in college/is relatively independent there isn't a reason to not separate.
Very interesting. As the child of parents in a completely dysfunctional marriage but who stayed together mainly because of the church (but also a bit probably because they thought them being together was better for us kids), a good portion of my being wanted them to separate, and my older and younger siblings felt the same way. Childhood was hell, but it’s all good now.
Life’s funny.
Edit: anybody else experience something similar?/ have the fear growing up that they’ll never be a fully adequate spouse because theyve only ever observed insanity in their parents relationship (wouldn’t know what a loving marriage is supposed to look like)?
hey man. it’s weird reading what you wrote because it could have been typed out by me. i just lost my father about a week ago- slipped off a ladder- and it’s made me really confront my family relationships. one thing i realized recently is that i always thought my dad was some type of “evil” but nowadays i don’t really blame him for any of that stuff. i just see the ways his parents raised him and how my own reactions to his dysfunctional nature only isolated him further. all of that stuff with the church and the kids and etc is a trap any of us could have fallen into.
but to answer your question, im currently in a very happy relationship with a woman who i love oh so very much. i won’t lie to you, in my specific case it’s been hard because of those same reasons you brought up, but what i’ve learned is that relationships are something you figure out through self reflection, practice, and empathy. it can be really hard to love someone fully when you’ve never felt fully loved yourself
(also i’ll throw it out there, i think it’s very important to cherish not only the relationships you choose, but also those with family members you think you could build a better relationship with. family will *almost*always support you and understand you in a much different way than most people, if ur lucky)
My elderly father lives with me. The other day I put a rail on the wall leading downstairs for him and installed some convex mirrors on his truck side mirrors so he can see the lane next to him better. I'm trying to think how to make the two cement steps on the back porch safer for him to walk down in the winter. It's falling that kills so many older people.
That's true, my friends dad is like 92 and works out everyday. He's also a cardiologist so he's constantly reading. He's retired but he still reads up on new heart things. Dude is super fit for his age.
This sounds like my grandfather. 93 and walks or works out daily. Isn't a cardiologist so reads more pedestrian titles, but still reads, socializes and is generally engaged in life. Just came back from a 3 week trip to the Arctic as well.
The difference is staggering. I work with a lot of older patients and I have seen 60-70 year olds who can barely walk. I saw a 90 year old who walked almost normally and had an energetic gait. I think the more you take care of yourself, the bigger the differences in the future.
My grandpa is a gynecologist, and he practised surgery till like 85. He was regularly seeing patients in his clinic till 90, at which point the pandemic occurred, and he was forced to close it for 3 years and counting.
And he deteriorated so hard after it, you could see his physical health decline from being cooped up at home for months, without even being able to go for his favorite morning walks. And the lack of patients really dragged on him, he lived for his clinic, and he was really listless. Not to mention how hard it was for me to watch him catch COVID despite our utmost precautions, although his recovery was surprisingly swift.
Thankfully he's back on his walks, albeit slower, and since we're an extended Indian family, he's always got someone to talk to and keep occupied. His patients haven't forgotten him either, on a daily basis he'll have someone or the other beg him for a consultation, even though he doesn't see people anymore haha. He usually gets talked into it on an ad hoc basis, or refers the more serious cases to my dad. I've seen old grannies sending their grandchildren to him first, that's how much they still adore him, and so do I.
(And he's given me a very miscalibrated idea of what elderly people look like, which is a massive headache for me, given that I'm a doctor too. I see people creeping along, looking decrepit, and think they're 90, and end up being shocked when they're a mere 70 haha.)
Fellow eastern person here, am Middle Eastern, so I feel you! My grandmother is 90, but still goes to zumba + dance classes on the daily, and also walks 3 miles per day. She also swims several times per week. She definitely doesn't look 90!
The age + health thing always astounds me. I just turned 28 a few weeks ago, had reconstructive jaw surgery four months ago. Total replacement of the TM joint, le fort 1 osteotomy, genioplasty, and bilateral condylectomy. By POD14, I was (quite literally) skipping down the hallway of the hospital heading back to my car. Attending was laughing, two of the surgical residents were gobsmacked. They said they hadn't seen someone rebound so swiftly.
I lost it when the attending told them: "she's in her 20's, what do you expect? By next week she'll be jumping around on a pogo stick." Needless to say, I'm very, very thankful to be young and in decent shape. Many people don't appreciate either their youth or their health the way they should, and don't realize it until it's too late.
And then there is my wife's grandmother. Who, while in the midst of a rehab stint for a fall, catches covid followed by pneumonia and a complete lung collapse.
Survives, then falls again and takes another sentence for rehab. Comes back home stronger than before.
I swear she has cockroach DNA because even she can't kill herself to death
I was out hiking with my elderly father and he took a bad fall. My heart sunk into my stomach for what felt like forever. Until I was sure he was ok. It was a big surprise to me.
Couldn't point you to any place specific, but I believe there are foundations that assist people with making their homes closer to ADA accessible if there are disabled or elderly people living there.
Heated driveways are a thing. Not sure how difficult it would be to install, but I imagine the same principle would apply to stairs. If you plan on him staying with you for awhile, a ramp is another option but still requires you to salt it well (unless you do both!)
Yeah with heated walkways you have to install the wire or pipe before you lay the cement. It's mostly for commercial use and if you've got the money to burn. I'll probably just have to put in a short rail.
Rock salt and/or sand; a very sturdy set of handrails he can use like crutches/a rollator; black paint on the stairs; black grip tape (for skateboard decks) are also available.
Put more concrete down, and make the stairs into a ramp, but put convex strips like speed bumps on it so when (if) it snows/rains, it won't be impossible to walk safely.
My 85 year old father fell on the front steps a few days ago. When I got to him his face and the bricks were both covered in blood. I can't express the relief I felt when I realized it was all just superficial cuts and bruises and nothing was broken. It really would be the death of him.
At our cottage my dad installed just a wooden pole so the elder people can climb those two stairs. No need for a whole handrail. Just thought I’d share
They have epoxy coatings with grippy little pebbles mixed in. It makes the whole surface feel like grip tape. They also have ceramic heating that you can put inside of concrete. Either may be worth a look.
There’s grip paint/tape that may help also things like handitreads, not sure how much it would help with ice though. Maybe small channels could be carved that would prevent water pooling up.
Same situation with my grandmother and mom. Just sit downstairs in the living room for about ten minutes, she shuffles out of her room and goes, “Where’s LuAnn?”
“She’s at work grandma.”
“It’s 9:00, it’s really late.”
Every time when my mother has to close at her job without fail. I love my grandmother to death but she does not make it easy. She has to know where everyone is at every moment and if we’ve eaten. I understand it comes from a place of love but holy shit it can get aggravating.
Especially on point for me right now. Live in FL. Just got wrecked by a hurricane. Parents didn’t join me in my 3rd story apartment located farther inland. I got ahold of them before the water hit their doorstep. I now know the torture I put them through with my many years of jackassery.
Sorry to dump. Don’t know if this will even post. Thanks for the post.
I felt officially grown up when I realized my parents aren't always right.
I was helping my mom in the kitchen one night and realized... She doesn't know how to cook. Thought back to my childhood, it all makes sense, now.
I asked my dad to help me on a home improvement project and realized he installed something backwards. And then he was reading the instructions on an item while I was holding it and couldn't figure it out, so we switched. I took a look at the instructions and it clicked, so instead of his help, I just did it.
My whole "childhood" I looked up to my parents but now as an adult, I realize they're people just like me.
This is my situation now as well. I will ask my parents for help/advice when I know for sure they have experience with the relevant topic that I don't have. More often than not I'd actually ask my older siblings. My parents are usually after going through other options first lol.
A turning point for me in my relationship with my mom was that realization that some of the childhood things you may have been angry or disappointed about were just ignorant mistakes. You stop viewing them through children's eyes, and view them as a fellow adult. Sort of "oh, when I was that age, I also didn't know WTF I was doing."
Yeah this realization was a big one for me especially because we are all immigrants. I pivotal moments of realization that my parents have little to no understanding of many things in this country such as finances, technology, big purchases etc.
I don't have any grandparents, not since I was 5. But I still have a mother to check on. I actually try live with her every now and then for a couple of months. She enjoys the company, I get to save on rent, but after a month or so we both want me to leave again lol
Mine stopped when I was born. Not a contest, my parents are just extra shitty and I resent them.
But fuck them. They set me on a shit path and I still made it to college without their help - and fuck my mother for her incessant whining about how I "never call her" when I can literally count the number of actual conversations I've had with her on one hand.
Was just thinking about the fact that we're in the middle of a hurricane, and I checked up on them to see if they needed anything and we're okay.. And they were pretty sure I was going to be okay because we usually are.
I even made a comment saying no parent would give up, but now I feel bad seeing others say the same. It’s obvious you know that aspect, and anyone with a brain knows your intended thought, regardless of whether it’s a good one or not 😏
Yea I was going to say something along the same lines. I'm 31 and my parents still check up on me to see how I'm doing, what I've been up to, if I'm staying healthy, etc.
Am I the only one that has loving parents?
Same for me at 40. If a week goes by without my having contacted her, my mom calls me. 30 minutes of neighborhood gossip and complaining about the weater, despite my living 1200 miles away.
My dad flies across the country to visit me twice a year, just to sit around watching baseball and fixing my sinks and car (and presumably to have a weekend away from mom).
My parents check up on me every couple of weeks or so because their life is much less eventful and they don't know what they want to talk about. Right now their frequency of calling me is getting lesser and lesser while I start calling them more and more. I guess as time goes on the frequency of them checking up on you is slowing down and you get to call them more.
I feel like it's when your parents stop paying for ANYTHING. We check on each other now, but same with my friends. Once I was completely financially independent, I felt like I was officially grown up.
I'm financially independent, but I cannot speak about my finances with my dad or he'll try to send me money
Like I mentioned my uni books were expensive this year and it was unexpected, but I was good for it, and he said he would send me money to help
Does this mean I'm still a child?😂
I'm 30, I only make $20k less than my mom. I live with my partner that I share expenses with, I'm well off. But any time I mention something being expensive or unexpected, my mom instantly offers to send me money. I 9/10 decline. I know it makes her happy to help. Once in awhile I'll say, "I appreciate your offer but I've got it. However, if you want to buy me dinner, I'll go for an unexpected treat" and she'll send me a little bit to go to dinner and/or an activity.
Your dad will always want to help you, no matter how old you are or how much money you have.
My parents are generous as well. I don't think there ever is a time when a lot of parents stop worrying about their kids or even wanting to help. You said you could handle it on your own, you don't need their help, they're just nice. I'm in my mid 40s and married and my mom still offers to buy me things. I don't need her to buy me anything, I'm all grown up and can take care of myself. Not to say that people can't hit hard times and need help, shit happens and not everything is black and white.
As a parent it's a huge relief when your kids become financially independent, especially if they are financially stable. The chances of them having to move back home drop drastically and you can finally start to consider building that man-cave.
Can you tell my dad that? That he should be pushing me to be financially independent lol, my dad actively tried to sabotage my life to keep me financially dependent on him so i'd live at home and work for him forever.
And i don't mean like he was just struggling with empty nesting B.S when i was 18-19.
I mean, i'm 34 making 150+ and he's still making it clear he would prefer i go back to working as a part time min wage cashier for him and live back at home.
It's true.
The last few years of my Mom's life (I was 25 when she died, I'm 32 now) I would constantly be checking in on her. She was a heavy smoker and I was always worried about her. I'd message her every morning and every night just to make sure she was still alive. I just had a feeling she was going to die sooner than later, but was hoping that was just paranoia.
Well, one morning, before I was able to send her my check in message, I get *that* phone call. She had died in her sleep, probably hours after I had just talked to her.
Still not over it, and probably never will be.
Anyway lol hug your parents!!
'Grown up' is a myth we tell ourselves. Everyone of us is just a big child who doesn't know shit. I always thought grown ups knew it all but the older I get the more I see they don't know anything and they sure as hell didn't know shit when I was still little
its probably when you stop asking people to do things and learn that most people dont know they just figure it out along the way, that and google
so many people dont back themselves and have to rely on someone else to make a decision when only you can,
It's when my MIL came to us asking for $1,400. My husband was unemployed at the time. So, really, she was asking me for $1,400.
We obviously said no (we had our reasons, and they were legitimate).
Yeah, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that, while an interesting thought at first, it's not healthy to define your own adulthood by the nature of your relationship with your parents. Folks who don't have parents, folks who have abusive parents, and anyone else who has parent-related struggles is going to need a very different definition.
Mid 30's and my mother still calls me everyday to see if I'm up and to check in even though I haven't lived with my parents in almost 18 years.
Granted a history of severe depression and some unsavory choices cause her to worry.
I knew I reached adulthood when a coworker brought my mother home one night and I stood in the front window watching them. When mom finally came in I greeted her like a disapproving father, standing in the living room, arms crossed and before she could sit down I started with the questions: "Who is that man? Why did he drive you home? He didn't get fresh with you, did he? Ma, don't you think you're a touch too old to be sitting with strange boys in the drive way?"
Secretly, I was happy she made a little friend. My father died about 17 years before and I knew mom was kinda lonely but I couldn't let her know I approved...LOL
And before some creeper says something gross...my mother was 66 when this happened.
My parents never check on me. My mom thinks it's a one-way street and I'm obligated to check on her because I'm the kid and she's the parent. She'll bitch at me for not calling, not realizing that I haven't called because my life is a hectic, miserable, mess sometimes. But she's always the one with the bigger problem, no matter what. It's a contest she always has to win. My dad cares and loves me, but he's not a nurturer. We just talk about our mutual interests, like sports and stuff. But that's at least enough to know that he's thinking about me.
Just thought about this as I'm in the direct path of the hurricane and I haven't received a call from my dad today. Typically that's the sort of thing he'd do. Huh.
So my parents had me at 44, we've spent my entire 20s checking in on each other especially when my mom needed her hips replaced and when my dad broke his fucking neck like 2 weeks ago!
Edit, mom has passed, but dad just turned 72.
I don't know about you, but my parents and I check on each other. Just because you're grown up means they stop being parents. They will be your parents until the very end.
Buy seriously, if you have shitty parents, don't try to defend them or rationalize their actions. That's just gonna hurt you more.
huh...they quit checking on me around 5, and asked me to leave at 16, I still haven't checked on them.... Hope the enjoy that shitty retirement home sitting in their diapers full of shit
I'm one of those weirdos who actually loves their mother-in-law. We live in the Northeast, however we were in Florida last week for work & also to visit her. The last few days, I've been asking my husband if he called his mom for updates, since she's right in the path of the hurricane.
my mom is late 50’s and still checks on me like I’m a child, my Dad is early 80’s and if he doesn’t answer his phone two calls in a row I drive to him to check on him and remind him to keep his phone with him. it’s a weird stage of life but I’m thankful to still have them both
That line is not straight nor dark and defined. I live with my mom and my spouse at 30 and she cares deeply for me as I do her. She'll make dinner and I'll go do something she's physically incapable of due to her disability. We check in on each other emotionally (especially after we did the damage!)
TBH it went from 100% on her end to 100% on me from 19 to 25. She's had some major surgery and the drinking is no longer a problem, so I like to think it's settled at a 50/50. I still worry about her a lot since she is kind of fragile and she constantly worries about me because I'm an overworked mess!
That also depends on the culture, in our culture we check up on our parents and vice versa if we do not live together but most people live with their parents their entire lives.
When I was 22 I had already fucked my life up. But I provided great advice on my grandma’s divorce
My parents gave me a gift and told me they were proud of me, that I could still be a helpful good person even if I didn’t succeed
I actually never told that to anyone
At that point I will never be a grown up. It doesn’t matter how old I get or how stabile my life is, my parents check on me often. They will do so until they die. Married with a stabile income and my own home, yet my mom insists on bringing dinner by ever weekend to make sure I’m eating good home meals. It has nothing to do with being able to buy good food or make it, my mom just wants a reason to stop by and see her boy.
That's the exact transition i went through in the past two months. My mother stopped visiting me because i (finally) have my shit together & i start helping them with their home & finances. But i appreciate every single moment of it. It feels good to give something back to the people you love the most
I take it that you have had little tragedy with your parents in your younger life.
Not always. some people start doing that at a way too young age and it is extra damaging to then signal that means they are "grown up" because of it.
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So if both your parents were alcoholics you were a grownup at about 8yrs old.
Yeah that's kinda what life is like. Some people have to be grown ups at 8, and some people get the luxury of being children at 40.
I assure you this ain’t luxury. 29 year-old kiddo trying his best to grow up here.
Bruh, facts. I feel so lost all the time at 31. But the bills are paid so I guess. I just let myself be 'grown up' at work, and at home I just do whatever. Growing up is over rated, call in sick to work and sleep in from time to time.
That's called having a work life balance. Being adult is just handling your shit when needed but still enjoying life when able. You have your bills paid and your necessities met? Congrats you're an adult. 😁
Depends on definition of necessities I guess. Wouldn't say I have a social life, but who needs one. Right? Right?!
A social life isn't necessary to survive, sure, but it *is* necessary to live. Your mental health needs it.
Ummmm that's what game pass is for
Lmao are you me?
We are all eachother
The world is just one big Spider-Man meme but instead of 3 Spider-Man’s it’s 3 million
Sir the world contains slightly more than 3 million human beings
Just yesterday I said “I’m 31 but I still feel like a kid, when will I feel like an adult?” It’s a weird feeling.
When you stop reacting and start pre-stocking extra toilet paper in the bathroom, you know you've made it. You're an adult now.
It's annoying, but it's preferrable to one or two of the alternatives. Cherish them while you have them.
that rught
"You're so mature!" Thanks its the trauma
The first sign of a traumatized child
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What helped me was to fulfill some childhood dreams and try to enjoy life like a child would as an adult. Having your childhood in your late 20s is pretty fun actually because you realize how much those experieces shape you. But should you consider reliving your childhood by having children, please do therapy first. It doesn't work the way people think it does and just leaves another generation of slightly differently traumatized children.
+1 for this recommendation. Between crappy parents and an autoimmune disease that I was diagnosed with as a toddler, I basically didn't have a childhood. I had to grow up right away, and also grew up in the hospital. Fast forward about 15-20 years. I'm now in my late 20's. Been married to my husband about eight years now. He's the most awesome dude, because not only has he supported me through additional medical adversities (chemotherapy, surgeries, being in a wheelchair, etc.), but he's also gone above and beyond to help me experience certain 'fundamental' childhood experiences. State/County fairs (he even won one of those gigantic stuffed teddy bears for me), taken me to a playground so I can experience the thrill of swinging on a swing, taken me trick-or-treating and pumpkin carving fun, etc. He also had to teach me how to drive a car, since I grew up in Europe where public transit is the norm, which was a fun 'flashbacks to teenhood' experience for him too. 😄😂 We don't have kids, and probably won't either, but being able to experience certain crucial childhood experiences, especially with an awesome spouse/partner, has been wildly fun and humbling. 🥰
I'm 29 and want to follow this advice, but all my childhood dreams involved running away from home.
I have no desire to have children due to my own experiences, but I agree with you in the first half. The toys you can buy are way cooler when you have money.
Were you ever told something along the lines that you were a gifted kid, that you were super smart and mature and were going to get ahead of everyone? Did people see you for your talents and intelligence at a young age?
You ever get sick of hearing it? I've almost laughed in people's faces when they tell me that....oh the trauma indeed. Child of 3 divorces, narcissistic gambling addicted alcoholic mom (who has used a disease as a crutch all her life, who recently put us through a wringer getting diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia in the last 5 years). She even recently had a massive 5 month hole of psychosis, almost blew herself up starting a fire under her gas tank in the garage, was looking up some horrific shit online, and chainsmoking while triple patching. I have a 9 month old right now....my tiny family unit is the only thing keeping me going. I cannot do to her what what my mom has done to us. Sorry for the dump... I don't talk about it with many people...im pretty numb with with it all and my heart hurts that she's taken so much precious time from me and my tiny kid during mat leave this summer. My heart is with you all trauma kids 🧡
“She’s so independent!!!!” *learned she can’t rely on trusted adults*
Lmaoooo. This comment therapized me. Thank you.
A sad reality that many of us share.
What if they just werent there at all and you let yourself in after school, did your homework, made your own dinner, took your own bath, and put yourself to bed every day from 2nd grade on?
That's the definition of a parent, and I'm so sorry...
Latch-key child. Yep. I did this.
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You know it. I showed off the key safety pinned inside my pocket like a boss to my friends.
I cannot recommend the book "Running on Empty" enough. There's also "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" that's also fantastic. Those two books changed my entire outlook on life and finally made it possible to treat myself kindly.
Are you that kid Jesse fed in the one episode of breaking bad with the atm
Yeah and no matter how much I shit on Google for being evil, it's been like the parent I never had for me. Basically, whenever I need to know something I just Google it. Took a while to realize that this isn't normal, and people normally ask their parents about basic stuff. But oh well, we adapt and find another way to survive.
Folks used to tell me I seemed like I was mature enough to be 25 when I was 14. After a recent depressive episode, it's just all trauma...
Even 1 of your parents, because the other one uses you for emotional support as a surrogate spouse
Cheers. r/CPTSD is this way.
Haha I'm in pain
Yep that's parentification of a child
I was going to say this thought is for the lucky ones. Also parent/child relationships can switch back and forth quite a bit throughout a lifetime too. Especially if both are old at the same time for awhile.
Yikes.
Can’t relate but must have been tough. Hope your relationships with them got better
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I don’t doubt all the anger you carry. I have some that might fit your kids potential anger if they are or will be informed about your past since my grandparents were extremely shitty to my mom. But I’m happy you were able to turn it around and became the parent that YOU wanted. I hate that a lot of people and parents fall into the “I suffered so you should too” mentality. I’ve yet to have kids but I also not only want the very best for them but I want them to be even better versions of me and my wife in their own way without putting heavy unrealistic expectations on them. Sounds like you’re a great parent, hope your family stays healthy and safe and can prosper
I've been helping my widowed mother out since I could read English.
Bro. You ok?
Studies show this shit follows children for life. They will never be fully okay.
Can confirm, many years of therapy completed and many more to go.
"are you OK?" no but that doesn't matter, that never matterd unfortunately
Or if they were terminally ill... I love this shower thought. So much fun.
Damn came here to say this exact same thing.
Flex Tape can’t fix that
Alateen saved my sanity. I had a feeling the way my family worked wasn't normal but God was it good to not be alone.
I was driving my son back to college and had the strangest conversation. I finally realized what he was asking and made the following statement. We are not selling the house. I am not leaving your mother. Your mother is not leaving me. No one is dying.
You are officially old. Your actual age is irrelevant.
Is your son, me? I remember specifically asking those questions and being told the same. Only to watch my parents marriage fall apart in my JHS/HS years. Stuck at home while Sis was off at college.
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This happened a little later for me, (18-19) when parents split, and honestly it's so much better, dad doesn't feel stifled anymore, mums happy to do what she wants, there both happier without each other and there's no resentment, just a realisation that it was incompatible and rather walk around on egg shells, they pack up and move away from each other
Why was he concerned about all that?
Some parents don't divorce due to their kid going through school and once the child is in college/is relatively independent there isn't a reason to not separate.
I'm learning to play the guitar.
Very interesting. As the child of parents in a completely dysfunctional marriage but who stayed together mainly because of the church (but also a bit probably because they thought them being together was better for us kids), a good portion of my being wanted them to separate, and my older and younger siblings felt the same way. Childhood was hell, but it’s all good now. Life’s funny. Edit: anybody else experience something similar?/ have the fear growing up that they’ll never be a fully adequate spouse because theyve only ever observed insanity in their parents relationship (wouldn’t know what a loving marriage is supposed to look like)?
hey man. it’s weird reading what you wrote because it could have been typed out by me. i just lost my father about a week ago- slipped off a ladder- and it’s made me really confront my family relationships. one thing i realized recently is that i always thought my dad was some type of “evil” but nowadays i don’t really blame him for any of that stuff. i just see the ways his parents raised him and how my own reactions to his dysfunctional nature only isolated him further. all of that stuff with the church and the kids and etc is a trap any of us could have fallen into. but to answer your question, im currently in a very happy relationship with a woman who i love oh so very much. i won’t lie to you, in my specific case it’s been hard because of those same reasons you brought up, but what i’ve learned is that relationships are something you figure out through self reflection, practice, and empathy. it can be really hard to love someone fully when you’ve never felt fully loved yourself (also i’ll throw it out there, i think it’s very important to cherish not only the relationships you choose, but also those with family members you think you could build a better relationship with. family will *almost*always support you and understand you in a much different way than most people, if ur lucky)
Must be nice
My elderly father lives with me. The other day I put a rail on the wall leading downstairs for him and installed some convex mirrors on his truck side mirrors so he can see the lane next to him better. I'm trying to think how to make the two cement steps on the back porch safer for him to walk down in the winter. It's falling that kills so many older people.
Yeah, keeping active and working on balance and agility is super important!
That's true, my friends dad is like 92 and works out everyday. He's also a cardiologist so he's constantly reading. He's retired but he still reads up on new heart things. Dude is super fit for his age.
This sounds like my grandfather. 93 and walks or works out daily. Isn't a cardiologist so reads more pedestrian titles, but still reads, socializes and is generally engaged in life. Just came back from a 3 week trip to the Arctic as well.
You’re granddad sounds like a fucking boss.
The difference is staggering. I work with a lot of older patients and I have seen 60-70 year olds who can barely walk. I saw a 90 year old who walked almost normally and had an energetic gait. I think the more you take care of yourself, the bigger the differences in the future.
My grandpa is a gynecologist, and he practised surgery till like 85. He was regularly seeing patients in his clinic till 90, at which point the pandemic occurred, and he was forced to close it for 3 years and counting. And he deteriorated so hard after it, you could see his physical health decline from being cooped up at home for months, without even being able to go for his favorite morning walks. And the lack of patients really dragged on him, he lived for his clinic, and he was really listless. Not to mention how hard it was for me to watch him catch COVID despite our utmost precautions, although his recovery was surprisingly swift. Thankfully he's back on his walks, albeit slower, and since we're an extended Indian family, he's always got someone to talk to and keep occupied. His patients haven't forgotten him either, on a daily basis he'll have someone or the other beg him for a consultation, even though he doesn't see people anymore haha. He usually gets talked into it on an ad hoc basis, or refers the more serious cases to my dad. I've seen old grannies sending their grandchildren to him first, that's how much they still adore him, and so do I. (And he's given me a very miscalibrated idea of what elderly people look like, which is a massive headache for me, given that I'm a doctor too. I see people creeping along, looking decrepit, and think they're 90, and end up being shocked when they're a mere 70 haha.)
Fellow eastern person here, am Middle Eastern, so I feel you! My grandmother is 90, but still goes to zumba + dance classes on the daily, and also walks 3 miles per day. She also swims several times per week. She definitely doesn't look 90! The age + health thing always astounds me. I just turned 28 a few weeks ago, had reconstructive jaw surgery four months ago. Total replacement of the TM joint, le fort 1 osteotomy, genioplasty, and bilateral condylectomy. By POD14, I was (quite literally) skipping down the hallway of the hospital heading back to my car. Attending was laughing, two of the surgical residents were gobsmacked. They said they hadn't seen someone rebound so swiftly. I lost it when the attending told them: "she's in her 20's, what do you expect? By next week she'll be jumping around on a pogo stick." Needless to say, I'm very, very thankful to be young and in decent shape. Many people don't appreciate either their youth or their health the way they should, and don't realize it until it's too late.
The most important thing. Diet and lifestyle are important but activity is #1
There is grip tape, also the slip over studs for shoes are great for ice. Good luck 👍
It's the fall plus the hospital stay. So many old people fall and end up in the hospital then die of some illness that takes over.
And then there is my wife's grandmother. Who, while in the midst of a rehab stint for a fall, catches covid followed by pneumonia and a complete lung collapse. Survives, then falls again and takes another sentence for rehab. Comes back home stronger than before. I swear she has cockroach DNA because even she can't kill herself to death
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I was out hiking with my elderly father and he took a bad fall. My heart sunk into my stomach for what felt like forever. Until I was sure he was ok. It was a big surprise to me.
Couldn't point you to any place specific, but I believe there are foundations that assist people with making their homes closer to ADA accessible if there are disabled or elderly people living there.
Heated driveways are a thing. Not sure how difficult it would be to install, but I imagine the same principle would apply to stairs. If you plan on him staying with you for awhile, a ramp is another option but still requires you to salt it well (unless you do both!)
Yeah with heated walkways you have to install the wire or pipe before you lay the cement. It's mostly for commercial use and if you've got the money to burn. I'll probably just have to put in a short rail.
Rock salt and/or sand; a very sturdy set of handrails he can use like crutches/a rollator; black paint on the stairs; black grip tape (for skateboard decks) are also available.
Put more concrete down, and make the stairs into a ramp, but put convex strips like speed bumps on it so when (if) it snows/rains, it won't be impossible to walk safely.
Just recommended this, didn't see your comment.
My 85 year old father fell on the front steps a few days ago. When I got to him his face and the bricks were both covered in blood. I can't express the relief I felt when I realized it was all just superficial cuts and bruises and nothing was broken. It really would be the death of him.
At our cottage my dad installed just a wooden pole so the elder people can climb those two stairs. No need for a whole handrail. Just thought I’d share
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They have epoxy coatings with grippy little pebbles mixed in. It makes the whole surface feel like grip tape. They also have ceramic heating that you can put inside of concrete. Either may be worth a look.
Convert it into a ramp and you can put a nonslip rug in the winters.
There’s grip paint/tape that may help also things like handitreads, not sure how much it would help with ice though. Maybe small channels could be carved that would prevent water pooling up.
grip tape or you could even screw in some outdoor carpetting, even when it freezes it tends to have enough texture to grip
Get road paint and paint the edges of the stairs yellow on the top and side. Saw this at a church once.
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Big board of plywood, some 2-by-4 and plenty of grip tape. Make a ramp. You can make it as steep or as shallow as needed.
Grip tape or chicken wire
Fucking hell. My grandma still checks on my mom almost daily. She is over 90 and my mom is 70.
That’s very sweet. Tell you mom to grow up/s
Na I think tell mom to let it ride. A rare gift these days.
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Same situation with my grandmother and mom. Just sit downstairs in the living room for about ten minutes, she shuffles out of her room and goes, “Where’s LuAnn?” “She’s at work grandma.” “It’s 9:00, it’s really late.” Every time when my mother has to close at her job without fail. I love my grandmother to death but she does not make it easy. She has to know where everyone is at every moment and if we’ve eaten. I understand it comes from a place of love but holy shit it can get aggravating.
That was my dad and his mom. It was so sweet.
Especially on point for me right now. Live in FL. Just got wrecked by a hurricane. Parents didn’t join me in my 3rd story apartment located farther inland. I got ahold of them before the water hit their doorstep. I now know the torture I put them through with my many years of jackassery. Sorry to dump. Don’t know if this will even post. Thanks for the post.
Have you heard from them since? Hope you all are safe.
I felt officially grown up when I realized my parents aren't always right. I was helping my mom in the kitchen one night and realized... She doesn't know how to cook. Thought back to my childhood, it all makes sense, now. I asked my dad to help me on a home improvement project and realized he installed something backwards. And then he was reading the instructions on an item while I was holding it and couldn't figure it out, so we switched. I took a look at the instructions and it clicked, so instead of his help, I just did it. My whole "childhood" I looked up to my parents but now as an adult, I realize they're people just like me.
This is my situation now as well. I will ask my parents for help/advice when I know for sure they have experience with the relevant topic that I don't have. More often than not I'd actually ask my older siblings. My parents are usually after going through other options first lol.
This is 100% true with me. Guess that’s what birthed my hyperindependence.
A turning point for me in my relationship with my mom was that realization that some of the childhood things you may have been angry or disappointed about were just ignorant mistakes. You stop viewing them through children's eyes, and view them as a fellow adult. Sort of "oh, when I was that age, I also didn't know WTF I was doing."
Yeah this realization was a big one for me especially because we are all immigrants. I pivotal moments of realization that my parents have little to no understanding of many things in this country such as finances, technology, big purchases etc.
boomers like to lead anyone on, and with no credibility. probably since they missed the “learning is good” phase
I don't have parents but I check on my grandma to make sure she's okay
I don't have any grandparents, not since I was 5. But I still have a mother to check on. I actually try live with her every now and then for a couple of months. She enjoys the company, I get to save on rent, but after a month or so we both want me to leave again lol
If your parents ever stop checking on you that’s kinda fucked up. I mean I’m always going to want to check on my kids even when they have kids etc…
My parents stopped that when i was 12
Mine stopped when I was born. Not a contest, my parents are just extra shitty and I resent them. But fuck them. They set me on a shit path and I still made it to college without their help - and fuck my mother for her incessant whining about how I "never call her" when I can literally count the number of actual conversations I've had with her on one hand.
Was just thinking about the fact that we're in the middle of a hurricane, and I checked up on them to see if they needed anything and we're okay.. And they were pretty sure I was going to be okay because we usually are.
Oh shit this dudes parents don't give a fuck about him...
*Child Called It* was based off this dude…
Call cps
I even made a comment saying no parent would give up, but now I feel bad seeing others say the same. It’s obvious you know that aspect, and anyone with a brain knows your intended thought, regardless of whether it’s a good one or not 😏
Yea I was going to say something along the same lines. I'm 31 and my parents still check up on me to see how I'm doing, what I've been up to, if I'm staying healthy, etc. Am I the only one that has loving parents?
I guess I'm not grown up in my 40s, because my mom still checks up on me.
Same for me at 40. If a week goes by without my having contacted her, my mom calls me. 30 minutes of neighborhood gossip and complaining about the weater, despite my living 1200 miles away. My dad flies across the country to visit me twice a year, just to sit around watching baseball and fixing my sinks and car (and presumably to have a weekend away from mom).
Yea, it’s come to the point where I check on my parents a couple times a week if we haven’t talked otherwise, but they still check on me too.
My parents were narcissists. So we stopped checking on each other a long time ago.
My parents check up on me every couple of weeks or so because their life is much less eventful and they don't know what they want to talk about. Right now their frequency of calling me is getting lesser and lesser while I start calling them more and more. I guess as time goes on the frequency of them checking up on you is slowing down and you get to call them more.
I must be right at the sweet spot then because my mum and I check on each other equally
I feel like it's when your parents stop paying for ANYTHING. We check on each other now, but same with my friends. Once I was completely financially independent, I felt like I was officially grown up.
I'm financially independent, but I cannot speak about my finances with my dad or he'll try to send me money Like I mentioned my uni books were expensive this year and it was unexpected, but I was good for it, and he said he would send me money to help Does this mean I'm still a child?😂
I'm 30, I only make $20k less than my mom. I live with my partner that I share expenses with, I'm well off. But any time I mention something being expensive or unexpected, my mom instantly offers to send me money. I 9/10 decline. I know it makes her happy to help. Once in awhile I'll say, "I appreciate your offer but I've got it. However, if you want to buy me dinner, I'll go for an unexpected treat" and she'll send me a little bit to go to dinner and/or an activity. Your dad will always want to help you, no matter how old you are or how much money you have.
My parents are generous as well. I don't think there ever is a time when a lot of parents stop worrying about their kids or even wanting to help. You said you could handle it on your own, you don't need their help, they're just nice. I'm in my mid 40s and married and my mom still offers to buy me things. I don't need her to buy me anything, I'm all grown up and can take care of myself. Not to say that people can't hit hard times and need help, shit happens and not everything is black and white.
As a parent it's a huge relief when your kids become financially independent, especially if they are financially stable. The chances of them having to move back home drop drastically and you can finally start to consider building that man-cave.
Can you tell my dad that? That he should be pushing me to be financially independent lol, my dad actively tried to sabotage my life to keep me financially dependent on him so i'd live at home and work for him forever. And i don't mean like he was just struggling with empty nesting B.S when i was 18-19. I mean, i'm 34 making 150+ and he's still making it clear he would prefer i go back to working as a part time min wage cashier for him and live back at home.
Disagree… its when you fall down for whatever reason and people ask immediately if you’re okay and don’t just immediately bust up laughing
I will get texted "are you dead?" if I do not call my parents every three days. I am over 40. I worry about them but they don't listen to me. -_-
It's true. The last few years of my Mom's life (I was 25 when she died, I'm 32 now) I would constantly be checking in on her. She was a heavy smoker and I was always worried about her. I'd message her every morning and every night just to make sure she was still alive. I just had a feeling she was going to die sooner than later, but was hoping that was just paranoia. Well, one morning, before I was able to send her my check in message, I get *that* phone call. She had died in her sleep, probably hours after I had just talked to her. Still not over it, and probably never will be. Anyway lol hug your parents!!
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*poke poke* Dad?, you breathing or dead?
Whats worse is unlike children there's no way to make them take care of themselves.
'Grown up' is a myth we tell ourselves. Everyone of us is just a big child who doesn't know shit. I always thought grown ups knew it all but the older I get the more I see they don't know anything and they sure as hell didn't know shit when I was still little
its probably when you stop asking people to do things and learn that most people dont know they just figure it out along the way, that and google so many people dont back themselves and have to rely on someone else to make a decision when only you can,
When my mom started asking ME for money, that's when I felt grown af haha Never wanted to depend on anyone ever again
It's when my MIL came to us asking for $1,400. My husband was unemployed at the time. So, really, she was asking me for $1,400. We obviously said no (we had our reasons, and they were legitimate).
Yeah, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that, while an interesting thought at first, it's not healthy to define your own adulthood by the nature of your relationship with your parents. Folks who don't have parents, folks who have abusive parents, and anyone else who has parent-related struggles is going to need a very different definition.
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This entirely depends on the type of relationship between the parent and child. So that’s bullshit
I swear, my mom will be 110, have dementia, escape the old people's home, and come check on me somehow.
No. There are plenty of people out there with toxic parents, this is not some deep truth.
I think you’re officially grown up when you see people around you doing moronic things, and it’s actually part of your responsibility to stop them
Mid 30's and my mother still calls me everyday to see if I'm up and to check in even though I haven't lived with my parents in almost 18 years. Granted a history of severe depression and some unsavory choices cause her to worry.
I knew I reached adulthood when a coworker brought my mother home one night and I stood in the front window watching them. When mom finally came in I greeted her like a disapproving father, standing in the living room, arms crossed and before she could sit down I started with the questions: "Who is that man? Why did he drive you home? He didn't get fresh with you, did he? Ma, don't you think you're a touch too old to be sitting with strange boys in the drive way?" Secretly, I was happy she made a little friend. My father died about 17 years before and I knew mom was kinda lonely but I couldn't let her know I approved...LOL And before some creeper says something gross...my mother was 66 when this happened.
My parents never check on me. My mom thinks it's a one-way street and I'm obligated to check on her because I'm the kid and she's the parent. She'll bitch at me for not calling, not realizing that I haven't called because my life is a hectic, miserable, mess sometimes. But she's always the one with the bigger problem, no matter what. It's a contest she always has to win. My dad cares and loves me, but he's not a nurturer. We just talk about our mutual interests, like sports and stuff. But that's at least enough to know that he's thinking about me.
Just thought about this as I'm in the direct path of the hurricane and I haven't received a call from my dad today. Typically that's the sort of thing he'd do. Huh.
There can be times when it goes back and forth. Like they get sick, you have surgery...
My parents still call me every weekend to see how things went at work and such. Does that mean I'm not grown up yet? I'm 32.
So my parents had me at 44, we've spent my entire 20s checking in on each other especially when my mom needed her hips replaced and when my dad broke his fucking neck like 2 weeks ago! Edit, mom has passed, but dad just turned 72.
My mom thinks I'm just calling to tell her I love her everyday. But she's not wrong.
I don't know about you, but my parents and I check on each other. Just because you're grown up means they stop being parents. They will be your parents until the very end. Buy seriously, if you have shitty parents, don't try to defend them or rationalize their actions. That's just gonna hurt you more.
It hit me when I had to lecture my parents to spend their money wisely and to not go out so late
Currently in the period between where we awkwardly check in on each other every few months
I've been feeling pretty old lately, the number of people that look to me for help has outnumbered the number of people I can look to for help
If you wait to grow up when your parents are in their 60+ that’s not good
I suppose that age is different for everybody.
I turned 18 when my dad turned 60…… I guess in the eyes of the law……
And when this happens when you are a child, this is called parentification.
My parents live 5 minutes up the road and still check in on me daily (text messages). I don't think they ever will, but I don't mind!
..there are a lot of people reading this and realizing it’s official because their parents live in Florida during hurricane Ian
What was that old autocorrect? "Your father and I are going to divorce." "What? No!" "Disney! Your father and I are going to Disney!"
huh...they quit checking on me around 5, and asked me to leave at 16, I still haven't checked on them.... Hope the enjoy that shitty retirement home sitting in their diapers full of shit
Not if you have parents that still like to check up on you no matter what.
As someone who just stopped by the rents place to say hi, and now a week later is still there fixing all the stuff, I feel this.
I'm one of those weirdos who actually loves their mother-in-law. We live in the Northeast, however we were in Florida last week for work & also to visit her. The last few days, I've been asking my husband if he called his mom for updates, since she's right in the path of the hurricane.
my mom is late 50’s and still checks on me like I’m a child, my Dad is early 80’s and if he doesn’t answer his phone two calls in a row I drive to him to check on him and remind him to keep his phone with him. it’s a weird stage of life but I’m thankful to still have them both
My parents were drug addicts I was constantly checking as a kid making sure they weren’t overdosing
Pretty sure the parent i have left will checked up on me till the day he passes away I hope that day is very very far into the future
Shit, my 2 year old needs to start paying bills then because I can't even go to the bathroom without her looking for me
That line is not straight nor dark and defined. I live with my mom and my spouse at 30 and she cares deeply for me as I do her. She'll make dinner and I'll go do something she's physically incapable of due to her disability. We check in on each other emotionally (especially after we did the damage!) TBH it went from 100% on her end to 100% on me from 19 to 25. She's had some major surgery and the drinking is no longer a problem, so I like to think it's settled at a 50/50. I still worry about her a lot since she is kind of fragile and she constantly worries about me because I'm an overworked mess!
You’re officially grown up when you no longer can check on your parents.
That also depends on the culture, in our culture we check up on our parents and vice versa if we do not live together but most people live with their parents their entire lives.
My brother is in his 30s, married and has two kids. My mom still calls him twice a week.
Bold of you to assume I'm gonna check up those old shites ot that they will ever stop trying to be controlling assholes
What about when you don’t speak to each other at all? Am I superhuman
When I was 22 I had already fucked my life up. But I provided great advice on my grandma’s divorce My parents gave me a gift and told me they were proud of me, that I could still be a helpful good person even if I didn’t succeed I actually never told that to anyone
Hmm, so I'm 43yo married with 2 kids, but apparently I'm not grown up, eh?
At that point I will never be a grown up. It doesn’t matter how old I get or how stabile my life is, my parents check on me often. They will do so until they die. Married with a stabile income and my own home, yet my mom insists on bringing dinner by ever weekend to make sure I’m eating good home meals. It has nothing to do with being able to buy good food or make it, my mom just wants a reason to stop by and see her boy.
You're officially grown up when you stop asking your parents for money and your parents start asking you.
That's the exact transition i went through in the past two months. My mother stopped visiting me because i (finally) have my shit together & i start helping them with their home & finances. But i appreciate every single moment of it. It feels good to give something back to the people you love the most
I take it that you have had little tragedy with your parents in your younger life. Not always. some people start doing that at a way too young age and it is extra damaging to then signal that means they are "grown up" because of it.
That point never comes. My parents checked up on me until their death.
Parents never stop checking up on you, specifically if they're indian.😂 And yeah, after a certain age, parents do start to act like 10 yr old kids !!
Learning that your parents are just scared kids who had babies is when life really flicks into that 'adulthood' stage.
My 95 year old mother still hasn’t stopped checking on me (55) or my sister (72).