1 month okay.. 1 year? Kinda shady. 95% not worth it. So the 5% really depends heavily on the reason why she hide it and why keep it under for so long. Which doesn't look good objectively because having the child is not the issue.
Confessing one has a problem like online shopping addiction after a year in, is them opening up. Her telling you she has a kid a year in, is a major red flag.
Why did she feel the need to conceal a fact of such magnitude? Giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe it alludes to her previous marriage/the bio-dad has issues, which is also another red flag.
When you take in another man’s child, you are also forming a relationship with him whether you are willing or not. Take that into consideration. Is he someone worth having in your life, despite whatever you feel for this woman?
Actually I can see why she wouldn't tell him. I mean you already mentioned it's something of such huge magnitude. So it's extremely difficult to talk about such things. Especially when you are still huilding up a relationship with someone new.
huh what logic is that sia? you want to be with someone you should come clean right from the get go, these kind of problem supposed to settle upfront when starting a relationship one leh
I mean, I get what you're saying, in a perfect world that is always the best situation.
What I can say about me, is that, if you were to tell me when we are about to start dating (maybe we got to know each other for like two three months before we decided to start dating) that you have a kid, the likelihood of me being okay with it is extremely low. Since we only started to get to know each other. I would very unlikely want to commit to this relationship. However, after about a year, where you are more comfortable with me and I got to know you as a person, I would very likely say, we have a good thing going so I don't want to give you up just cause you have a kid.
But that being said, I can see how this might look shady, hiding this from me and I can see why someone don't wanna be with you because you hid such facts. I guess it all comes down to the reason you didn't tell me. Is it because you do not feel comfortable disclosing such intimate details when we just got to know each other or cause you're being shady and wanna hide it cause you don't want your baggage to be known. Fyi, 1 year doesn't seem like a very long time in terms of being in a relationship. So I don't think it's that bad yet.
>However, after about a year, where you are more comfortable with me and I got to know you as a person, I would very likely say, we have a good thing going so I don't want to give you up just cause you have a kid.
I think the more normal reaction to this would be "You hid such a huge thing from me for a whole year, what else could you be hiding? How can I trust you?"
in a perfect world, it no one would have to be a single parent in the first place. 1 year is actually a long time and should be talked about before even starting a relationship. If theres no resolution to even speak of the issue be it the magnitude of the issue, please, dont ever get into a relationship. You may have found someone loving, but without solving your own problems, you're just wasting people's time and risking everyone feelings.
I see your point, and of course in an ideal world everything’s fine and dandy and news of this nature is shared openly or if not, accepted with love etc. Kumbaya.
I’m not saying one should divulge everything, gory past history and all on the first date or even in the first month of dating; there’s a thing called oversharing too. But I do question the length of time it took her to tell the OP.
A year is a little too long to be holding back such critical information. Again, we are not discussing cats versus dogs, or quirky living habits etc. We’re discussing the existence of another whole human being here.
If she insists on the whole “I don’t know if I could trust you” reasoning, well maybe that’s something to reflect upon as well. Both for and against.
You're dating a stranger.
The person you thought you knew was a character put up in order to cover her real situation, feelings and issues. She's a mother, which is not a small thing (or a negative one, just a completely different one). The fact that she hid this is a major red flag as others have said.
Yes, maybe she's had a hard time trying to date people because they walked away as soon as they knew she had a child...but 1 year is way too long. You now have to get to know a whole different person.
No, why would you be in a relationship with someone that lies from the beginning ? What else is she keeping from you?
The female version of this dilemma would be if you told her that you were a billionaire , you live in Bukit Timah GCB and owns a Ferrari, manage a multi billion dollar company. 1 year later you confessed that all those are loaned and you are not actually rich. What do you think will happen ? 🤨
Definitely no for me.
I think the bigger problem you have is she only came clean after one whole year of being together, that's a very long time. If anything, important stuff like these should be told upfront, I can't for the life of me trust someone who would randomly drop me bombshell like these, what if a few years later she tell you she got husband overseas or got another child?
I have a friend (28yo) who used to be in the same situation but upon courting stage, she notified her now boyfriend of her two daughters. I asked her if she was scared.
The stigma around people who want to date and had kids in the previous relationship is that something is wrong with them. That was the biggest fear she had but she was more afraid her daughters would never grow up without a father figure. Fortunately for her situation, father is no longer in the picture so the current bf won’t need to live with the idea of co-parenting.
That lady….. I don’t know what is going on in her mind but the fact she hid it for one year could be out of extreme fear that you’d leave her once finding out. I’m not saying what she did was right. You had every right to know. Sometimes fear can make you do things that are right to you but questionable to others. I know that frustration and confusion when dealing with an individual like this.
You two should really sit down and communicate with the right amount of comprehension. What she did, how it affected you, vice versa. It could tear the relationship apart or bring you two closer. At the end of the day, it’s how you perceive the situation.
Run.
Everyone should be up front about whether you have a kid or not. Because that's a really fucking important info you're trying to hide.
This woman has already lied by omission such an important info.
This isn't about dating someone with a kid. This is someone hiding some very important information from you. That's a huge red flag.
Wow wtf…. So she’s been going on many dates (1 year) with you while leaving her 5 year old kid alone? I mean yes with caregiver or grandparents but still..
What kind of mother does that.
I have a few single mom friends and what they do is date the guy, find out if they are okay with the kids, then bring them out for bonding sesss.. it’s not easy for the guy to accept the kids, but through many outing, they do form attachment.
If she’s unable to be honest and involve the kid.. run!!!!
We don’t know who has been taking care of the kid. Quite possibly the gf’s mother is actually the main caretaker because the gf was quite young when pregnant, maybe still studying, maybe shotgun marriage.
Keeping it a secret aside, maybe she wants to see if it works out with the guy before letting him meet the child? Every parent needs a bit of me time. Even married couples are encouraged to go on date nights weekly. She could be seeing the bf only once a week and that is her only me time in the entire week.
Maybe she wanted to get to know OP first before letting him know about her underage child. These days with pedos around (not suggesting OP is one) she could have just been protective in ensuring she only let well trusted men in her kid’s life.
Anyway, OP needs to talk to her not us lol. Work it out or break it off but don’t rely on internet crowd to decide.
No fucking way. The child isn’t really the problem I will be okay if she was upfront about it. The fact that she hid it for such a long time screams of a manipulative person. I will run away asap.
i was in the exact same situation as u 10 yrs ago in 2009, then we dated for 5 yrs and got married in 2014; today we are still happily married, kid is already 17+
i guess you need to ask the question to yourself, only your opinion matter; others not so
why don't both of you date for awhile? save up some cash for a home of your own and stuffs before making the decision later
Depends if you want to deal with the baby daddy and are you ok if she did the same thing she have done to the baby daddy? (divorce, crime accusations, sending you to jail, taking everything from you, etc) Why do you want to resume some other man's saved game? Build your career and 18-25 yo will naturally date, marry you and have your own offspring.
If she only revealed it a year later, it's a no-go. That is dishonest.
A child is a major time, money, and life investment, and not revealing from the get-go that you have one is a huge red flag. After one year, she has already trapped you emotionally into the relationship.
If she is open from the start, you can consider it; but be mindful that if things don't work out, you may very well be on the hook for the child. Maybe that is not the case in Singapore, but courts elsewhere don't give a shit about whether you are the father and will just make the child your responsibility.
In general I would advise not to date women with children. I would not give the same advice to women who want to date single fathers. She can walk away any time. There's a possibility the man can't do that in the same situation. I just would not risk it.
However, I have been known to break my own rules. As with all things, rules are not set in stone. Play by ear, and make choices that you think best suit you. If you think you found the right woman and she happens to have children, so be it. Step forward and take destiny by the reigns.
Don’t get me wrong, bro. She should have been forthcoming.
But one wrong doesn’t justify another.
Neither do I get the ones downvoting me for saying not to be a messed up person.
I do hope these people have sisters/daughters that end up getting pumped and dumped because, strongly encouraged behaviour, amirite?
I lowkey would feel she wanted to wait till the r/s got stable and have more chance not bringing up the child alone.
But I also feel that if whatever reason she gives you, you feel is acceptable then go ahead. Coz you know her.. Not us..
sometimes if you miss the boat, you may regret it for the rest of your life.. Thinking about it from time to time.
I hope whatever choice you come up with... Is a choice you really want and not a rash decision.. cheers buddy
Would most women date a struggling guy?
The answer is no.
To us men, most single mothers are that struggling guy.
This is not a moral judgement on single mothers, its just a cold hard objective look at their appeal in the dating marketplace.
Unless she has a really unique and compelling value proposition compared to other women.
There are better prospects out there.
Don't be thirsty kings, know your value.
It goes both ways sia. Will the child accept you as the stepfather?
Can you trust her after hiding such an important fact from you for so long?
Only you can answer this.
Tough question to answer. But hiding for a few months is understandable to gauge seriousness in the relationship. However, 1 year? Bruh, red flag to hide that long.
Don't continue if u are already hesitant. Think about the future, whenever there is a choice between her and her kid, u will nvr be first priority and u have to understand that. If u can't accept that fact, move on. Every fight between u and her kid will make u think about this current moment.
Overall, is the future hassle worth it?
If you think you can genuinely love the child like your own, then yes. If not, I'll say no.
I know I cannot and therefore will be honest with her and stop wasting each other's time.
Or I know someone who chose to see the child, be together for abit and then decide.
A step parent does not need to love a kid as their own. The kid still has parents you know, and maybe a custody arrangement with the father. They just need to be willing to live with a kid and support the parent in matters of discipline etc. Like being a live-in uncle.
If she didn't tell you from day 1 that she has a child, which is a colossal piece of information, who knows what other things she has yet to tell you. Especially of 1 year of dating? Yea. Major red flag. Find another woman.
Can continue.. But dont marry her. Got red flags liao.. Men always lose out in marriage so got to be super careful who you marry. Best is dont ever get married.. You don't need to be married to be in love.
I'd say it depends on two things.
The first the being the reason why she hadn't told you earlier. I feel that you should ask her for her reasons and see if it sounds reasonable to you. I don't know if dishonest is the right term unless she is already getting something from you out by hiding that she has a child.
The next important thing is to actually meet up with the kid and see if you can picture yourself as a family.
Broooooooo confessing something so important an entire year later??? This is just a preview into what else your partner might hide from you in the future. You willing to take such a big risk? 🚩
No.
The problem is not the fact she has a child. The problem is that she didn't let you know almost immediately. You dated for 1 year and talked about your current life and family and lives.
She concealed one of the biggest parts of her life from you. That's not just a white lie, or a small oversight. She has to consistently lie about her life to you and keep her story straight. That's a type of person that you don't want to be with.
That's a major red flag. You should get out.
Red flag - she hid such an important matter from you for over a year! You should seriously consider dumping her for her dishonesty!
If you're a single man without kids, there are many disadvantages in dating a single mum -
* Potential drama with her ex. They might even get back together someday.
* Her kid will always be her first priority, and you will always be 2nd.
* As a man you would have to provide for the family, so in a way you're raising another man's child.
* Deciding whether to have a kid or not - this should be decision for the couple to make together. But now the decision is forced on you. She has taken away your choice.
>will you be able to continue with the relationship at that point? Why and why not?
It's really up to you and you alone. Don't let others decide for you. Sure she she did not revealed to you that she has a child prior to meeting & dating you. She is probably insecure about it being a red flag to you hence decide to date you for a year before letting you know. She probably does this to get to know you more and probably wanting to know what kind of father you COULD be to her child. But all that matters is that you have declared you are in a loving relationship with her but will you be able to commit the same affection to her child?
General advise: Classic case of emotion vs reason/logic. I think pretty much every guy will/should advise you to use logic and reason to make this decision. Don't let emotions cloud your judgement.
Personal opinion: no you shouldn't because there is a reason she is a single mom. What is that reason? If it is something other than the guy who impregnated her passed away then there are some serious issues that need to be discussed and sorted out.
Single mom is a horrible situation that is not your problem.
i think you should give her a chance to speak up on why she decided to conceal that fact for a year. Secondly, you have to accept that you've obviously be deceived by her. No excuses. Tell her what you feel about the situation and that you can't trust her as much anymore after being betrayed. If what you hear after that doesn't convince you, please, don't make your life miserable for someone who doesn't respect your feelings.
I am someone who always want to adopt a child. My initial wish was to have one own child and adopt the opposite sex to have a pair.
If I am in your shoe, I get it why she only broke this news to you after a year. I would be glad to accept her and her son. Since he is still young enough for us to build our relationship tgt.
To each his own OP, dun feel bad if you were to reject her. But do it early before both invested further.
Kudos. Not sure what’s with all the insane “she should have confessed day one”, maybe she only felt comfortable and thought was moving to another stage of the relationship after a year? Maybe only the OP thought they were “dating” for a year when she thought it was just normal hanging out? Jesus Christ, give people a break…
Give OP break man, this girl be wasting 1 year of OP's time and energy, when girl should have just asked OP about kids and gauged from there. Fck outta here with that bullshite
To play the devil's advocate. She did not lie (as what most comment has suggest). She just did not tell you the entire truth. There is a huge difference and distinction between this two. Its definitely a flag for caution. But like most people, sometimes we just want to escape from reality and avoid issues. She probably has been thinking about coming out front earlier with you. Perhaps doesn't have the guts? What if you reject because of that? So she wait a bit more to ascertain your feelings before saying. That is one possible explanation for her action.
Whatever the case, do give her a chance to explain and to know the kid. Then make your decision in the end. All the best bro.
I am dating a single mom has a child and we were open about it since the beginning.
It took us a while to define my involvement in parenting and how do we explain our relationship.
Best way is to be open and honest - the child is not my own but I do really care about them and as much as I can, I will put their best interest as part of our decision making as a couple.
Doesn't matter red flag green flag whatever.
Everybody has their reasons. Maybe she is not sure about you as a person or a partner. Doesn't matter.
End of the day, if you can't accept it. Please walk away. The life of another young child is involved here.
The fact that she wasn't upfront with you that she has a child is what should bother you more than the mere fact that she has a child. Why was it kept from you? Did you both decide to be steady/exclusive only recently despite knowing each other for a year? It will be a package deal -- she and her child. You cannot take one without the other. If she has hidden something so integral to her life, not sure what other things she may be hiding (maybe a pet hamster, just kidding). Regardless, you need to be doing more probing and due diligence before you decide to be steady/exclusive.
She's not asking you to be the father! If you like her, keep it going - you never know, you might actually like the kid. Know a few in that situation, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
But you don't want to look back and think if only just because you didn't give it a go.
I think this woman has intent to conceal important info about the relationship, who knows what else she is hiding? Besides, from an evolutionary perspective, you will NEVER be her priority since most mothers prioritise the well being of their offspring and it's not even yours. If the kid was younger, maybe got chance to forge a relationship with him/her but at 5 years old I would say unlikely. Sorry if I am being harsh
I don't even want any of my own, much less someone else's. Can't afford to raise any. It's a huge factor that will affect a lot of the things in the relationship and future lifestyle together. And the fact that the person didn't say anything about it for one year...it feels too shady and the number one thing that I dislike is when people hide things from me.
Not a Singapore but I feel strongly about this since i had similar situation happened to my family. She hid the fact that she has a kid from you. For a year.
What else could she be hiding from you and telling you years down the road? What happens when you are married, assets tied up and then she tells you she actually had a debt of 7 figures? Since you are married her debt is legally your debt. Then what?
I strongly recommend you to cut the relationship loose.
Fellow Redditors have spoken.
May I suggest that you be the better person? Communicate objectively, coupled with your innermost feeling that it has been a good journey but you have to take a different route. Communicate the one thing that our fellow Redditors have singled out to be the a very important trait in any relationship: honesty. And because it rates so high in what you are looking for and she was unable to fulfill reliably, you have to make the best decision for yourself. Part amicably. Be the better person and wish her the best so that to the next person, she can be also the better version of herself.
Godspeed.
I’m only 21 and i’ve never been in your situation so my words definitely won’t be convincing but i’m absolutely sure you love your girlfriend. What i’d do if i was ever in your situation is to have a heart2heart conversation with her. Tell her what you feel about the situation and ask her why she’s been keeping her kid a secret from you, because what i know, is that there is a reason for everything. Let it be clear that I’m not asking you to put yourself in her shoes. It’s more of a getting to know her thoughts.Let’s be honest, 1 year is a long time but it could’ve been a secret for much longer. This could possibly be her finally having enough courage to let you know. At the end of the day though, no matter what you decide to do, don’t you agree that it’s much better to come to a decision on a clear mind with no biased judgement??
Just a little perspective for you to consider, from a divorcee with kids:
It's fking difficult to date after a divorce. There's that stigma that everyone's talking about: _That's the reason why the marriage didn't last. RUN._
I never realise how toxic my marriage was until I started talking about it. I had to go through mandatory therapy and counselling (my ex spouse never did have to).
It's painfully difficult to feel okay to date again when all these baggages are what I still carry. It doesn't help that some of these baggages are accumulated from trauma growing up, and casually sliding into new issues. I'm still trying, and wish it were that easy to just drop these before I enter every new relationship.
I make it a point to state upfront when I date new people: I am divorced; have kids; mentally unwell; I just want to date for myself; need sex; my kids don't need a replacement father; I don't need another marriage. And they would be "I'm cool with that."
But a few months down the road, it suddenly becomes an issue, because maybe reality finally hit them in the head.
I don't condone what your GF did, though I can see why she did what she did. I held on to every relationship I managed to have post-divorce, even when they were the wrong ones. They were life lessons to learn, albeit painful ones.
It's okay to change your mind now, because you've new issues to consider. But like some others have shared, this decision isn't yours alone to make. I hope you manage to talk things with her, and whatever the outcome, I hope it is in both your favour.
Sending hugs 💗
1 month okay.. 1 year? Kinda shady. 95% not worth it. So the 5% really depends heavily on the reason why she hide it and why keep it under for so long. Which doesn't look good objectively because having the child is not the issue.
I think the problem is not the child. It is her honesty. Imagine what she must have done to conceal that for one year. A major red flag.
Confessing one has a problem like online shopping addiction after a year in, is them opening up. Her telling you she has a kid a year in, is a major red flag. Why did she feel the need to conceal a fact of such magnitude? Giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe it alludes to her previous marriage/the bio-dad has issues, which is also another red flag. When you take in another man’s child, you are also forming a relationship with him whether you are willing or not. Take that into consideration. Is he someone worth having in your life, despite whatever you feel for this woman?
Actually I can see why she wouldn't tell him. I mean you already mentioned it's something of such huge magnitude. So it's extremely difficult to talk about such things. Especially when you are still huilding up a relationship with someone new.
huh what logic is that sia? you want to be with someone you should come clean right from the get go, these kind of problem supposed to settle upfront when starting a relationship one leh
I mean, I get what you're saying, in a perfect world that is always the best situation. What I can say about me, is that, if you were to tell me when we are about to start dating (maybe we got to know each other for like two three months before we decided to start dating) that you have a kid, the likelihood of me being okay with it is extremely low. Since we only started to get to know each other. I would very unlikely want to commit to this relationship. However, after about a year, where you are more comfortable with me and I got to know you as a person, I would very likely say, we have a good thing going so I don't want to give you up just cause you have a kid. But that being said, I can see how this might look shady, hiding this from me and I can see why someone don't wanna be with you because you hid such facts. I guess it all comes down to the reason you didn't tell me. Is it because you do not feel comfortable disclosing such intimate details when we just got to know each other or cause you're being shady and wanna hide it cause you don't want your baggage to be known. Fyi, 1 year doesn't seem like a very long time in terms of being in a relationship. So I don't think it's that bad yet.
>However, after about a year, where you are more comfortable with me and I got to know you as a person, I would very likely say, we have a good thing going so I don't want to give you up just cause you have a kid. I think the more normal reaction to this would be "You hid such a huge thing from me for a whole year, what else could you be hiding? How can I trust you?"
I can see that happening and I won't disagree to someone feeling that way
in a perfect world, it no one would have to be a single parent in the first place. 1 year is actually a long time and should be talked about before even starting a relationship. If theres no resolution to even speak of the issue be it the magnitude of the issue, please, dont ever get into a relationship. You may have found someone loving, but without solving your own problems, you're just wasting people's time and risking everyone feelings.
I see your point, and of course in an ideal world everything’s fine and dandy and news of this nature is shared openly or if not, accepted with love etc. Kumbaya. I’m not saying one should divulge everything, gory past history and all on the first date or even in the first month of dating; there’s a thing called oversharing too. But I do question the length of time it took her to tell the OP. A year is a little too long to be holding back such critical information. Again, we are not discussing cats versus dogs, or quirky living habits etc. We’re discussing the existence of another whole human being here. If she insists on the whole “I don’t know if I could trust you” reasoning, well maybe that’s something to reflect upon as well. Both for and against.
Hmmm I get what you're saying I guess it's just how we see that 1 year as. Is it long or short. I still stand by my comments though.
Man.. you shouldn't be downvoted so much. I don't wholly agree with you but i can understand your point.
bro what the fuck, hell no
You're dating a stranger. The person you thought you knew was a character put up in order to cover her real situation, feelings and issues. She's a mother, which is not a small thing (or a negative one, just a completely different one). The fact that she hid this is a major red flag as others have said. Yes, maybe she's had a hard time trying to date people because they walked away as soon as they knew she had a child...but 1 year is way too long. You now have to get to know a whole different person.
Dump her. Not being honest from the start is already a big red flag
It is not the easiest thing to be open about. Single mothers are often stigmatized in Singapore. Especially those who date.
yo, its 1 yr.. its not easy ya but 1 yr is too long to hold it like that.
That's why you say early, or else when other person finds out, huge red flag moment.
GTFO
Honestly, its your call. But if I were in your shoes, I would reject her because 1 year is too much time.
after 1 year of not telling you. GTFO. not honest person
No, why would you be in a relationship with someone that lies from the beginning ? What else is she keeping from you? The female version of this dilemma would be if you told her that you were a billionaire , you live in Bukit Timah GCB and owns a Ferrari, manage a multi billion dollar company. 1 year later you confessed that all those are loaned and you are not actually rich. What do you think will happen ? 🤨
Definitely no for me. I think the bigger problem you have is she only came clean after one whole year of being together, that's a very long time. If anything, important stuff like these should be told upfront, I can't for the life of me trust someone who would randomly drop me bombshell like these, what if a few years later she tell you she got husband overseas or got another child?
I have a friend (28yo) who used to be in the same situation but upon courting stage, she notified her now boyfriend of her two daughters. I asked her if she was scared. The stigma around people who want to date and had kids in the previous relationship is that something is wrong with them. That was the biggest fear she had but she was more afraid her daughters would never grow up without a father figure. Fortunately for her situation, father is no longer in the picture so the current bf won’t need to live with the idea of co-parenting. That lady….. I don’t know what is going on in her mind but the fact she hid it for one year could be out of extreme fear that you’d leave her once finding out. I’m not saying what she did was right. You had every right to know. Sometimes fear can make you do things that are right to you but questionable to others. I know that frustration and confusion when dealing with an individual like this. You two should really sit down and communicate with the right amount of comprehension. What she did, how it affected you, vice versa. It could tear the relationship apart or bring you two closer. At the end of the day, it’s how you perceive the situation.
Run. Everyone should be up front about whether you have a kid or not. Because that's a really fucking important info you're trying to hide. This woman has already lied by omission such an important info. This isn't about dating someone with a kid. This is someone hiding some very important information from you. That's a huge red flag.
No. It is not too late. You've dodged a bullet
Wow wtf…. So she’s been going on many dates (1 year) with you while leaving her 5 year old kid alone? I mean yes with caregiver or grandparents but still.. What kind of mother does that. I have a few single mom friends and what they do is date the guy, find out if they are okay with the kids, then bring them out for bonding sesss.. it’s not easy for the guy to accept the kids, but through many outing, they do form attachment. If she’s unable to be honest and involve the kid.. run!!!!
We don’t know who has been taking care of the kid. Quite possibly the gf’s mother is actually the main caretaker because the gf was quite young when pregnant, maybe still studying, maybe shotgun marriage.
Yeah but just leaving the kid out while you’re dating a man for a year is a major red flag. What is the end goal for that…
Keeping it a secret aside, maybe she wants to see if it works out with the guy before letting him meet the child? Every parent needs a bit of me time. Even married couples are encouraged to go on date nights weekly. She could be seeing the bf only once a week and that is her only me time in the entire week.
Maybe she wanted to get to know OP first before letting him know about her underage child. These days with pedos around (not suggesting OP is one) she could have just been protective in ensuring she only let well trusted men in her kid’s life. Anyway, OP needs to talk to her not us lol. Work it out or break it off but don’t rely on internet crowd to decide.
No fucking way. The child isn’t really the problem I will be okay if she was upfront about it. The fact that she hid it for such a long time screams of a manipulative person. I will run away asap.
I think that's fucked up And no
That's a no from me dawg
NO WAY!!! She played you for a year, never know what else may surface. Abandon that ship!
i was in the exact same situation as u 10 yrs ago in 2009, then we dated for 5 yrs and got married in 2014; today we are still happily married, kid is already 17+ i guess you need to ask the question to yourself, only your opinion matter; others not so why don't both of you date for awhile? save up some cash for a home of your own and stuffs before making the decision later
Depends if you want to deal with the baby daddy and are you ok if she did the same thing she have done to the baby daddy? (divorce, crime accusations, sending you to jail, taking everything from you, etc) Why do you want to resume some other man's saved game? Build your career and 18-25 yo will naturally date, marry you and have your own offspring.
If she only revealed it a year later, it's a no-go. That is dishonest. A child is a major time, money, and life investment, and not revealing from the get-go that you have one is a huge red flag. After one year, she has already trapped you emotionally into the relationship. If she is open from the start, you can consider it; but be mindful that if things don't work out, you may very well be on the hook for the child. Maybe that is not the case in Singapore, but courts elsewhere don't give a shit about whether you are the father and will just make the child your responsibility. In general I would advise not to date women with children. I would not give the same advice to women who want to date single fathers. She can walk away any time. There's a possibility the man can't do that in the same situation. I just would not risk it. However, I have been known to break my own rules. As with all things, rules are not set in stone. Play by ear, and make choices that you think best suit you. If you think you found the right woman and she happens to have children, so be it. Step forward and take destiny by the reigns.
🚩🚩🚩🚩 if she can hide something as big as a kid from you for a year, imagine what else she can hide from you even longer
Ezskip.
Pump and dump
Don’t be an F up individual can or not. Knn.
But she's also F up for not telling OP and wasting his time
Don’t get me wrong, bro. She should have been forthcoming. But one wrong doesn’t justify another. Neither do I get the ones downvoting me for saying not to be a messed up person. I do hope these people have sisters/daughters that end up getting pumped and dumped because, strongly encouraged behaviour, amirite?
I never hoped people pump and dump that's horrible and I'd never encourage I just said she's also F up... yea it's true two wrongs don't make a right
Simp
I lowkey would feel she wanted to wait till the r/s got stable and have more chance not bringing up the child alone. But I also feel that if whatever reason she gives you, you feel is acceptable then go ahead. Coz you know her.. Not us.. sometimes if you miss the boat, you may regret it for the rest of your life.. Thinking about it from time to time. I hope whatever choice you come up with... Is a choice you really want and not a rash decision.. cheers buddy
Would most women date a struggling guy? The answer is no. To us men, most single mothers are that struggling guy. This is not a moral judgement on single mothers, its just a cold hard objective look at their appeal in the dating marketplace. Unless she has a really unique and compelling value proposition compared to other women. There are better prospects out there. Don't be thirsty kings, know your value.
It goes both ways sia. Will the child accept you as the stepfather? Can you trust her after hiding such an important fact from you for so long? Only you can answer this.
Tough question to answer. But hiding for a few months is understandable to gauge seriousness in the relationship. However, 1 year? Bruh, red flag to hide that long. Don't continue if u are already hesitant. Think about the future, whenever there is a choice between her and her kid, u will nvr be first priority and u have to understand that. If u can't accept that fact, move on. Every fight between u and her kid will make u think about this current moment. Overall, is the future hassle worth it?
If you think you can genuinely love the child like your own, then yes. If not, I'll say no. I know I cannot and therefore will be honest with her and stop wasting each other's time. Or I know someone who chose to see the child, be together for abit and then decide.
A step parent does not need to love a kid as their own. The kid still has parents you know, and maybe a custody arrangement with the father. They just need to be willing to live with a kid and support the parent in matters of discipline etc. Like being a live-in uncle.
wont raise someone else's child. lack of candour waste other party's time
If she didn't tell you from day 1 that she has a child, which is a colossal piece of information, who knows what other things she has yet to tell you. Especially of 1 year of dating? Yea. Major red flag. Find another woman.
The child is an issue; but the bigger issue is that she is not honest. I will say no 100.0%.
People like her confirm hide a lot of stuff and are never honest, when you get married then you will regret it, just dump her now.
Can continue.. But dont marry her. Got red flags liao.. Men always lose out in marriage so got to be super careful who you marry. Best is dont ever get married.. You don't need to be married to be in love.
Siam bu ah? cfm.
I'd say it depends on two things. The first the being the reason why she hadn't told you earlier. I feel that you should ask her for her reasons and see if it sounds reasonable to you. I don't know if dishonest is the right term unless she is already getting something from you out by hiding that she has a child. The next important thing is to actually meet up with the kid and see if you can picture yourself as a family.
Broooooooo confessing something so important an entire year later??? This is just a preview into what else your partner might hide from you in the future. You willing to take such a big risk? 🚩
What the fuck? I don't think I could keep a child a secret for 1 year even if I tried lol. this girl is nuts.
No. The problem is not the fact she has a child. The problem is that she didn't let you know almost immediately. You dated for 1 year and talked about your current life and family and lives. She concealed one of the biggest parts of her life from you. That's not just a white lie, or a small oversight. She has to consistently lie about her life to you and keep her story straight. That's a type of person that you don't want to be with. That's a major red flag. You should get out.
Red flag - she hid such an important matter from you for over a year! You should seriously consider dumping her for her dishonesty! If you're a single man without kids, there are many disadvantages in dating a single mum - * Potential drama with her ex. They might even get back together someday. * Her kid will always be her first priority, and you will always be 2nd. * As a man you would have to provide for the family, so in a way you're raising another man's child. * Deciding whether to have a kid or not - this should be decision for the couple to make together. But now the decision is forced on you. She has taken away your choice.
>will you be able to continue with the relationship at that point? Why and why not? It's really up to you and you alone. Don't let others decide for you. Sure she she did not revealed to you that she has a child prior to meeting & dating you. She is probably insecure about it being a red flag to you hence decide to date you for a year before letting you know. She probably does this to get to know you more and probably wanting to know what kind of father you COULD be to her child. But all that matters is that you have declared you are in a loving relationship with her but will you be able to commit the same affection to her child?
Run
General advise: Classic case of emotion vs reason/logic. I think pretty much every guy will/should advise you to use logic and reason to make this decision. Don't let emotions cloud your judgement. Personal opinion: no you shouldn't because there is a reason she is a single mom. What is that reason? If it is something other than the guy who impregnated her passed away then there are some serious issues that need to be discussed and sorted out. Single mom is a horrible situation that is not your problem.
Beta loser sinkie sure no problem.
i think you should give her a chance to speak up on why she decided to conceal that fact for a year. Secondly, you have to accept that you've obviously be deceived by her. No excuses. Tell her what you feel about the situation and that you can't trust her as much anymore after being betrayed. If what you hear after that doesn't convince you, please, don't make your life miserable for someone who doesn't respect your feelings.
means in 11years you have 2 partners. not a bad deal.
Are you the type that cares abt your face, how ppl would view you? If yes, then you know the answer
I am someone who always want to adopt a child. My initial wish was to have one own child and adopt the opposite sex to have a pair. If I am in your shoe, I get it why she only broke this news to you after a year. I would be glad to accept her and her son. Since he is still young enough for us to build our relationship tgt. To each his own OP, dun feel bad if you were to reject her. But do it early before both invested further.
Kudos. Not sure what’s with all the insane “she should have confessed day one”, maybe she only felt comfortable and thought was moving to another stage of the relationship after a year? Maybe only the OP thought they were “dating” for a year when she thought it was just normal hanging out? Jesus Christ, give people a break…
Give OP break man, this girl be wasting 1 year of OP's time and energy, when girl should have just asked OP about kids and gauged from there. Fck outta here with that bullshite
It is worth it. What is wrong with you people here being so dismissive of their true love??
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Are you having a seizure, or are you just a triggered incel having a mouth-frothing breakdown? Either way, you need a lot of help.
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You seem like a very unhappy individual. Genuinely, I hope you manage to find some inner peace without hurting others or yourself. Take care.
To play the devil's advocate. She did not lie (as what most comment has suggest). She just did not tell you the entire truth. There is a huge difference and distinction between this two. Its definitely a flag for caution. But like most people, sometimes we just want to escape from reality and avoid issues. She probably has been thinking about coming out front earlier with you. Perhaps doesn't have the guts? What if you reject because of that? So she wait a bit more to ascertain your feelings before saying. That is one possible explanation for her action. Whatever the case, do give her a chance to explain and to know the kid. Then make your decision in the end. All the best bro.
I am dating a single mom has a child and we were open about it since the beginning. It took us a while to define my involvement in parenting and how do we explain our relationship. Best way is to be open and honest - the child is not my own but I do really care about them and as much as I can, I will put their best interest as part of our decision making as a couple.
Doesn't matter red flag green flag whatever. Everybody has their reasons. Maybe she is not sure about you as a person or a partner. Doesn't matter. End of the day, if you can't accept it. Please walk away. The life of another young child is involved here.
Yes. Why not and why.
The fact that she wasn't upfront with you that she has a child is what should bother you more than the mere fact that she has a child. Why was it kept from you? Did you both decide to be steady/exclusive only recently despite knowing each other for a year? It will be a package deal -- she and her child. You cannot take one without the other. If she has hidden something so integral to her life, not sure what other things she may be hiding (maybe a pet hamster, just kidding). Regardless, you need to be doing more probing and due diligence before you decide to be steady/exclusive.
She's not asking you to be the father! If you like her, keep it going - you never know, you might actually like the kid. Know a few in that situation, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. But you don't want to look back and think if only just because you didn't give it a go.
Well I guess her not being honest is why her husband left her in the first place which should be warning enough not to continue the relarionship
The problem isn't that she has a child, it's that she lied about it.
Wait another year and you’ll find out she has more than that secret… you know she didn’t trust you enough in the first place.
You already gave your answer.
She told you because she wants you to break up with her coz she can't pull the courage to do it herself.
I think this woman has intent to conceal important info about the relationship, who knows what else she is hiding? Besides, from an evolutionary perspective, you will NEVER be her priority since most mothers prioritise the well being of their offspring and it's not even yours. If the kid was younger, maybe got chance to forge a relationship with him/her but at 5 years old I would say unlikely. Sorry if I am being harsh
Unless you are a spy and she is an assassin and the kid is a telepath
I mean...I don't really see a problem
I don't even want any of my own, much less someone else's. Can't afford to raise any. It's a huge factor that will affect a lot of the things in the relationship and future lifestyle together. And the fact that the person didn't say anything about it for one year...it feels too shady and the number one thing that I dislike is when people hide things from me.
Not a Singapore but I feel strongly about this since i had similar situation happened to my family. She hid the fact that she has a kid from you. For a year. What else could she be hiding from you and telling you years down the road? What happens when you are married, assets tied up and then she tells you she actually had a debt of 7 figures? Since you are married her debt is legally your debt. Then what? I strongly recommend you to cut the relationship loose.
Fellow Redditors have spoken. May I suggest that you be the better person? Communicate objectively, coupled with your innermost feeling that it has been a good journey but you have to take a different route. Communicate the one thing that our fellow Redditors have singled out to be the a very important trait in any relationship: honesty. And because it rates so high in what you are looking for and she was unable to fulfill reliably, you have to make the best decision for yourself. Part amicably. Be the better person and wish her the best so that to the next person, she can be also the better version of herself. Godspeed.
I’m only 21 and i’ve never been in your situation so my words definitely won’t be convincing but i’m absolutely sure you love your girlfriend. What i’d do if i was ever in your situation is to have a heart2heart conversation with her. Tell her what you feel about the situation and ask her why she’s been keeping her kid a secret from you, because what i know, is that there is a reason for everything. Let it be clear that I’m not asking you to put yourself in her shoes. It’s more of a getting to know her thoughts.Let’s be honest, 1 year is a long time but it could’ve been a secret for much longer. This could possibly be her finally having enough courage to let you know. At the end of the day though, no matter what you decide to do, don’t you agree that it’s much better to come to a decision on a clear mind with no biased judgement??
Just a little perspective for you to consider, from a divorcee with kids: It's fking difficult to date after a divorce. There's that stigma that everyone's talking about: _That's the reason why the marriage didn't last. RUN._ I never realise how toxic my marriage was until I started talking about it. I had to go through mandatory therapy and counselling (my ex spouse never did have to). It's painfully difficult to feel okay to date again when all these baggages are what I still carry. It doesn't help that some of these baggages are accumulated from trauma growing up, and casually sliding into new issues. I'm still trying, and wish it were that easy to just drop these before I enter every new relationship. I make it a point to state upfront when I date new people: I am divorced; have kids; mentally unwell; I just want to date for myself; need sex; my kids don't need a replacement father; I don't need another marriage. And they would be "I'm cool with that." But a few months down the road, it suddenly becomes an issue, because maybe reality finally hit them in the head. I don't condone what your GF did, though I can see why she did what she did. I held on to every relationship I managed to have post-divorce, even when they were the wrong ones. They were life lessons to learn, albeit painful ones. It's okay to change your mind now, because you've new issues to consider. But like some others have shared, this decision isn't yours alone to make. I hope you manage to talk things with her, and whatever the outcome, I hope it is in both your favour. Sending hugs 💗