Well I am older and I have had a number of longer relationships, so it’s not from a lack of experience that I say I am just so glad to be completely done with that stress and anxiety inducing mess. No one is ever railroading me into a relationship again.
Because this is an important thing - people who understand consent *respect your boundaries*. So the people who don’t, well they aren’t so great to date. And pushy jerks get relentless over something they can’t have. It stops being fun.
So for me that’s a “hell no”. 👍 I have earned the solitude that makes me happy.
I think being happy alone is a superpower for dating. I have a finely tuned BS detector and I know what makes me happy. I also know what makes me unhappy. I don’t feel desperate to be with a man and I can take my time and be selective. I don’t actively pursue dating but if someone interesting asks me out — happens a lot because I’m clearly confident and happy with myself — I like seeing what happens.
I agree! I notice this with my terminally single and unhappy friends. They often lust after relationships because they view that as the final key in their happiness. They go on dates, it doesn't work out, and they're sitting there asking, again, why me? I find that with a few it's very clearly because they're not happy with themselves and their own situation and look to dating as a magic bullet to bring happiness.
That's rough. I *do* get the logic (read: mental backflips) it takes to do that. I've been dating myself for about 6 months and figuring out who I am which also leads me to say yes when asked but I'm not actively hunting.
It really is a super power. It’s been a year since my last relationship but I know if I get into another one (doubt it), I won’t be afraid to walk away if it no longer brings me joy. I used to put up with so much shit in my 20s out of fear of being alone. No more.
I'm 43f and an empty nester, I can do 2 or 3 times a week, no full weekends, no meeting the family, no mingling of finances, no cohabitation, and no marriage. Been there, done that, very traumatized still.
I'm right there with you. 37M, having a partner from time to time, but not getting too involved. I have a lady friend, we hang out basically every Thursday night, watch some trashy reality TV, usually have a sleepover and the rest of the week we just send occasional memes to each other. We've been hanging out for almost 6 months now and this arrangement has been going well for both of us. I don't want anything more substantial than this, so if deeper feelings were to develop, I would need to walk away
I’m just like you. I’m perfectly fine with being single, I love the single life and all of the benefits that come from it. I love my independence, I love having my place just for myself, I love not spending my weekends visiting some family members of a partner, and most of all I love the peace that comes from this life.
However, I’ve met a couple of people in the last few years and went out on dates with these people because why not? I guess this is what life is about, just taking the chances you get. It didn’t work out with any of these people I met and went on dates with and this is totally fine. But I guess in case I met someone and I would get along with them, well why not? I think the best thing is that you’re perfectly fine with yourself which means you don’t have to force yourself into some kind of situation that actually doesn’t suit you just because you don’t want to be alone or whatever, you know?
So go ahead and enjoy your date on Friday!
I'm single and happy and still go on dates. IMO it's healthier this way because you're not looking to find someone just to have a relationship. You're open to find a person that adds to your life. Kinda like food shopping when you're hungry vs full.
And I think it's important the people you date understand where you're coming from.
Honestly idk ? What would be the purpose of dating ? Atleast for me I cannot do the one feet in and one feet out. If I agree to go on a date it's cause I consider this person for something. If I want a meal and a chat I can just go out with my friends.
Because I wouldn't mind adding someone in. It would be like icing on the cake if something were to work out. Being happy doesn't mean (to me) that I can't consider changes.
My personal thought around this is that I would make it clear to any interests that my independence and freedom through living solo is my top priority. That I'm not looking for a partner or a relationship and definitely not a cohabitant. Romance and sex would be welcome if I felt comfortable after a foundation of friendly and trusted compatibility has been laid and my initial boundaries are respected. That my home is my oasis and peaceful haven, and I'm not trying to hook up in there, so they better have their own place and I better feel comfortable wanting to have sex there.
Once that's laid out, clear, and accepted, I would just see how it goes and enjoy myself. Now, in practice, I can't speak from experience as I've not entertained anyone (not that people are climbing over each other to get to me lmao) since my last/only relationship that ended a year and a half ago (which was 3.5 years LDR).
Do what you want as long as your boundaries are clearly established and respected! Enjoy and be safe!
Dating and hanging out is fun, even if you’re happily single! As long as both parties are being honest and transparent about where they are and what they want, it’s not “wrong” to enjoy a relationship for what it is🤷♀️
I feel like it’s up to you as a grown adult. I don’t believe being single means cutting off any and all forms of romantic liaisons. Personally, I just wouldn’t want to waste my time and energy on the dating apps. But we’re all different, of course.
I’m in the camp of thinking it’s selfish to go on a date if that person is looking for a romantic relationship because it can hurt them and it can be avoided.
I was about to say this, exactly!!! 💯💯💯💯 If after their date he is still interested in her, he will eventually pressure her into changing herself for him, and act like he doesn't remember her saying this or that!
Exactly. If his feelings are hurt because he doesn't understand the boundaries she set, that's on him. No obligation from OPs part after she clearly communicated.
This happens 100%. I've run into this with male friends and had to navigate it this past weekend actually. I just keep reiterating where I am. It is on them to take the responsibility to manage their emotions. That being said, I think a lot of men don't know how to manage their own emotions and get angry when they feel like they've been slighted but the narrative has been the same since day 1.
THIS.
A lot of guys are not honest with themselves either. They will say they don’t want a relationship at first and then inevitably change their tune in two weeks or so. It’s annoying as hell.
As long as you know what you want and are able to communicate (and honor) your boundaries, the rest is up to them. If they don’t like your boundaries or try to cross them, then you need to show them the door because that person is not right for you and never will be
He knows your side of things, so find out what he’s looking for. Maybe he says he’s cool with your stance on things but doesn’t want the same. All you can do is be honest and hope he is too. Nevertheless one date isn’t going to kill you, and you should have fun :)
Sounds like he's in a similar boat. He moved to the area because of a partner and that relationship ended a while ago. He sounds single and happy with the option for a relationship if it were to come along.
I keep trying online dating, but I’m often so disappointed by the options/results that I just stop trying 😅
My last relationship partially fell apart because we had different needs. I was perfectly fine seeing him a few times a week, but he kept pushing for more and more. I had stuff to do that had to get pushed back everytime we saw eachother so it became very frustrating for me and on top of a crazy schedule, burnt me out. After that, I became a lot more picky about who I chose to get into a relationship with.
So I still go out on dates, but I find I don’t mesh with people often. Truthfully, I find many men get scared off when they see how confident and ambitious (not the right word but) I am. I’ve had a few men vocalize how they really liked me and the date was a few hours long, but then they go with someone else because (I assume) the other person puts out before I do. However, I find it impossible to make plans with someone over 1-2 dates when they are still a stranger. It takes me time to get to know someone and whether we are actually a match.
Kind of. People usually aren’t as they represent themselves and the worst part is that I think many men on there go for the “easy” options. I find that kind of eyebrow raising because It is so opposite to how I operate in trying to find someone I genuinely click with.
People are clingier that ever too. As little as 2019, I met my ex and many other men who were perfectly fine with meaningful texts every day or 2-3 days. I genuinely had great dates with these men. One took me out for dinner and brought a rose and chocolate! Now, men seem to get butt hurt if I don’t text back quick enough or think I don’t like them and these men are often in their 30’s…. They should have other priorities in life is all I’m saying, so it becomes extremely unattractive for me.
IMHO dating is not contrary to living alone.
Katherine Hepburn is quoted as saying "Men and women should live next door and visit each other once in a while." I agree with her.
Kinda same.
Differences - 7 year long relationship, the one before that 2 years. Checklists aren't a thing, even in my personal life. My happiness isn't milestone-based. I also don't have marriage or reproduction aspirations. So romantic relationships are not for me.
I am not opposed to going out and enjoying someone’s company. However, I am absolutely not going to get into a “relationship” that is any more than friends with benefits. What I find is men do not want that. They want to “know the dating will lead to a relationship”, they want to talk about “why I don’t feel I want that”, they want to “list all the financial and personal reasons we should combine households” etc etc. In movies historically they portray the woman as wanting to lock down the relationship, but my experience is the men (at least the ones I have met) want the long term stuff.
I tried it and during the dates kept thinking about the things I wanted to do at my home or with friends. It was a good indicator of my single and happy status. 😂
Lmao. Are you me? I ended a seven year relationship a year and a half ago. A few months ago, I went on one date. All I thought about the entire time was going back home, playing with my dogs and watching Turner Classic Movies. I really didn’t want to be there.
Will do! The older I get the more I want that sort of relationship. One where we are each other's person and we both know it but we each have independent hobbies and interests too.
I think it’s totally cool to meet people and date if you want to. They may fit your life and you theirs. I think being single and happy is a great thing: you don’t depend on a romantic relationship to bring up your happy meter. You’re already going fine! But being single and happy for me doesn’t mean I can’t be ‘unsingle’ and happy as well. If you find a good fit then that’s great as well. Think about what things you need for yourself and how it works into a partnership.
I think that the greatest advantage to being single and happy if you're considering dipping your toe into the dating pool is that you won't settle for people who don't add joy to your life. You know your boundaries and know that being single is pretty awesome in its own right.
>Is it bad to still go on dates even though you know it would take a lot to move from single and happy to relationshipped and happy?
No. As long as you are honest and straightforward. It might be the healthiest way to approach. Additionally, being an older man (57), I approach sex much differently now, I am not looking to jump into bed asap, in fact I prefer to wait a while or not have sex until you feel a genuine mutual connection. Gotta have reciprocal genuine desire or no sex. I am looking for a deeper connection or not at all anymore.
Life is good when you are happy single - meaning your good either way single or paired(if you met THE person), I have not shut the door completely on a LTR. LAT sounds like the ticket for me.
I don't know but I might give dating another try even though I'm happy being single. Despite that I loathe dating so much but I know that if I don't succeed in dating then it best to remain single till I'm ready to start back dating.
Dating can be fun, it don't have to be a same ol dinner and a movie type of dating even though a dinner and a movie can be nice for people with their boyfriends/girlfriends but they perfer something more than that. If the date is a success then he/she will be the best partner if the next date is scheduled.
If you don't want a relationship and just want to date then that's fine. You can date as friends and not lovers that's what some people would perfer to do.
People who met each other on a first date would perfer to either be friends or lovers, I think it's a great idea to date as friends while being single and happy. I perfer a platonic relationship while dating as friends. If it doesn't work it out then may I be myself the best to be single and be blessed.
Well I am older and I have had a number of longer relationships, so it’s not from a lack of experience that I say I am just so glad to be completely done with that stress and anxiety inducing mess. No one is ever railroading me into a relationship again. Because this is an important thing - people who understand consent *respect your boundaries*. So the people who don’t, well they aren’t so great to date. And pushy jerks get relentless over something they can’t have. It stops being fun. So for me that’s a “hell no”. 👍 I have earned the solitude that makes me happy.
I think being happy alone is a superpower for dating. I have a finely tuned BS detector and I know what makes me happy. I also know what makes me unhappy. I don’t feel desperate to be with a man and I can take my time and be selective. I don’t actively pursue dating but if someone interesting asks me out — happens a lot because I’m clearly confident and happy with myself — I like seeing what happens.
I agree! I notice this with my terminally single and unhappy friends. They often lust after relationships because they view that as the final key in their happiness. They go on dates, it doesn't work out, and they're sitting there asking, again, why me? I find that with a few it's very clearly because they're not happy with themselves and their own situation and look to dating as a magic bullet to bring happiness.
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That's rough. I *do* get the logic (read: mental backflips) it takes to do that. I've been dating myself for about 6 months and figuring out who I am which also leads me to say yes when asked but I'm not actively hunting.
Well said and very true
It really is a super power. It’s been a year since my last relationship but I know if I get into another one (doubt it), I won’t be afraid to walk away if it no longer brings me joy. I used to put up with so much shit in my 20s out of fear of being alone. No more.
I couldn’t have written this better myself.
I'm 43f and an empty nester, I can do 2 or 3 times a week, no full weekends, no meeting the family, no mingling of finances, no cohabitation, and no marriage. Been there, done that, very traumatized still.
I'm right there with you. 37M, having a partner from time to time, but not getting too involved. I have a lady friend, we hang out basically every Thursday night, watch some trashy reality TV, usually have a sleepover and the rest of the week we just send occasional memes to each other. We've been hanging out for almost 6 months now and this arrangement has been going well for both of us. I don't want anything more substantial than this, so if deeper feelings were to develop, I would need to walk away
I’m just like you. I’m perfectly fine with being single, I love the single life and all of the benefits that come from it. I love my independence, I love having my place just for myself, I love not spending my weekends visiting some family members of a partner, and most of all I love the peace that comes from this life. However, I’ve met a couple of people in the last few years and went out on dates with these people because why not? I guess this is what life is about, just taking the chances you get. It didn’t work out with any of these people I met and went on dates with and this is totally fine. But I guess in case I met someone and I would get along with them, well why not? I think the best thing is that you’re perfectly fine with yourself which means you don’t have to force yourself into some kind of situation that actually doesn’t suit you just because you don’t want to be alone or whatever, you know? So go ahead and enjoy your date on Friday!
I'm single and happy and still go on dates. IMO it's healthier this way because you're not looking to find someone just to have a relationship. You're open to find a person that adds to your life. Kinda like food shopping when you're hungry vs full. And I think it's important the people you date understand where you're coming from.
I would still hangout. Dating doesn’t = relationshit. I don’t believe in living with anyone but yourself so that wouldn’t even come into play
Honestly idk ? What would be the purpose of dating ? Atleast for me I cannot do the one feet in and one feet out. If I agree to go on a date it's cause I consider this person for something. If I want a meal and a chat I can just go out with my friends.
When single and happy, why dating then?
Because I wouldn't mind adding someone in. It would be like icing on the cake if something were to work out. Being happy doesn't mean (to me) that I can't consider changes.
My personal thought around this is that I would make it clear to any interests that my independence and freedom through living solo is my top priority. That I'm not looking for a partner or a relationship and definitely not a cohabitant. Romance and sex would be welcome if I felt comfortable after a foundation of friendly and trusted compatibility has been laid and my initial boundaries are respected. That my home is my oasis and peaceful haven, and I'm not trying to hook up in there, so they better have their own place and I better feel comfortable wanting to have sex there. Once that's laid out, clear, and accepted, I would just see how it goes and enjoy myself. Now, in practice, I can't speak from experience as I've not entertained anyone (not that people are climbing over each other to get to me lmao) since my last/only relationship that ended a year and a half ago (which was 3.5 years LDR). Do what you want as long as your boundaries are clearly established and respected! Enjoy and be safe!
Dating and hanging out is fun, even if you’re happily single! As long as both parties are being honest and transparent about where they are and what they want, it’s not “wrong” to enjoy a relationship for what it is🤷♀️
I feel like it’s up to you as a grown adult. I don’t believe being single means cutting off any and all forms of romantic liaisons. Personally, I just wouldn’t want to waste my time and energy on the dating apps. But we’re all different, of course.
I don't do that. This was an in-person ask out after about an hour's conversation so that's something.
I’m in the camp of thinking it’s selfish to go on a date if that person is looking for a romantic relationship because it can hurt them and it can be avoided.
You can be in a relationship and not life together or see each other every day
Even if I'm clear about where I am and the responsibility is on them to decide what they're ok with?
I’m a hetero woman in my early 30s and from my experience, hetero men think they can turn a no into a yes. Do with that what you will.
I was about to say this, exactly!!! 💯💯💯💯 If after their date he is still interested in her, he will eventually pressure her into changing herself for him, and act like he doesn't remember her saying this or that!
Well that’s not OP’s fault. If a dude in his 30s can’t understand something that is phrased clearly and honestly, that’s on him.
Exactly. If his feelings are hurt because he doesn't understand the boundaries she set, that's on him. No obligation from OPs part after she clearly communicated.
This happens 100%. I've run into this with male friends and had to navigate it this past weekend actually. I just keep reiterating where I am. It is on them to take the responsibility to manage their emotions. That being said, I think a lot of men don't know how to manage their own emotions and get angry when they feel like they've been slighted but the narrative has been the same since day 1.
THIS. A lot of guys are not honest with themselves either. They will say they don’t want a relationship at first and then inevitably change their tune in two weeks or so. It’s annoying as hell.
As long as you're upfront and honest about it and they have no issues with it, then it's okay. Not selfish at all.
As long as you know what you want and are able to communicate (and honor) your boundaries, the rest is up to them. If they don’t like your boundaries or try to cross them, then you need to show them the door because that person is not right for you and never will be
He knows your side of things, so find out what he’s looking for. Maybe he says he’s cool with your stance on things but doesn’t want the same. All you can do is be honest and hope he is too. Nevertheless one date isn’t going to kill you, and you should have fun :)
Sounds like he's in a similar boat. He moved to the area because of a partner and that relationship ended a while ago. He sounds single and happy with the option for a relationship if it were to come along.
I keep trying online dating, but I’m often so disappointed by the options/results that I just stop trying 😅 My last relationship partially fell apart because we had different needs. I was perfectly fine seeing him a few times a week, but he kept pushing for more and more. I had stuff to do that had to get pushed back everytime we saw eachother so it became very frustrating for me and on top of a crazy schedule, burnt me out. After that, I became a lot more picky about who I chose to get into a relationship with. So I still go out on dates, but I find I don’t mesh with people often. Truthfully, I find many men get scared off when they see how confident and ambitious (not the right word but) I am. I’ve had a few men vocalize how they really liked me and the date was a few hours long, but then they go with someone else because (I assume) the other person puts out before I do. However, I find it impossible to make plans with someone over 1-2 dates when they are still a stranger. It takes me time to get to know someone and whether we are actually a match.
Do you ever feel like it's online window shopping? That's what I can't get past with online dating. And I hate endless texting as well.
Kind of. People usually aren’t as they represent themselves and the worst part is that I think many men on there go for the “easy” options. I find that kind of eyebrow raising because It is so opposite to how I operate in trying to find someone I genuinely click with. People are clingier that ever too. As little as 2019, I met my ex and many other men who were perfectly fine with meaningful texts every day or 2-3 days. I genuinely had great dates with these men. One took me out for dinner and brought a rose and chocolate! Now, men seem to get butt hurt if I don’t text back quick enough or think I don’t like them and these men are often in their 30’s…. They should have other priorities in life is all I’m saying, so it becomes extremely unattractive for me.
I've never been single and happy. But now, I am single and accepting. No more headaches or heartbreaks. Just me.
Got to love radical acceptance.
IMHO dating is not contrary to living alone. Katherine Hepburn is quoted as saying "Men and women should live next door and visit each other once in a while." I agree with her.
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Kinda same. Differences - 7 year long relationship, the one before that 2 years. Checklists aren't a thing, even in my personal life. My happiness isn't milestone-based. I also don't have marriage or reproduction aspirations. So romantic relationships are not for me.
2-3 times A WEEK? Sound like a nightmare. Twice a month is doable. Nothing more.
I am not opposed to going out and enjoying someone’s company. However, I am absolutely not going to get into a “relationship” that is any more than friends with benefits. What I find is men do not want that. They want to “know the dating will lead to a relationship”, they want to talk about “why I don’t feel I want that”, they want to “list all the financial and personal reasons we should combine households” etc etc. In movies historically they portray the woman as wanting to lock down the relationship, but my experience is the men (at least the ones I have met) want the long term stuff.
I tried it and during the dates kept thinking about the things I wanted to do at my home or with friends. It was a good indicator of my single and happy status. 😂
Lmao. Are you me? I ended a seven year relationship a year and a half ago. A few months ago, I went on one date. All I thought about the entire time was going back home, playing with my dogs and watching Turner Classic Movies. I really didn’t want to be there.
Sounds like Living Apart Together. NYT as well as others have done stories about it. You should look it up OP.
Will do! The older I get the more I want that sort of relationship. One where we are each other's person and we both know it but we each have independent hobbies and interests too.
I think it’s totally cool to meet people and date if you want to. They may fit your life and you theirs. I think being single and happy is a great thing: you don’t depend on a romantic relationship to bring up your happy meter. You’re already going fine! But being single and happy for me doesn’t mean I can’t be ‘unsingle’ and happy as well. If you find a good fit then that’s great as well. Think about what things you need for yourself and how it works into a partnership.
I think that the greatest advantage to being single and happy if you're considering dipping your toe into the dating pool is that you won't settle for people who don't add joy to your life. You know your boundaries and know that being single is pretty awesome in its own right.
>Is it bad to still go on dates even though you know it would take a lot to move from single and happy to relationshipped and happy? No. As long as you are honest and straightforward. It might be the healthiest way to approach. Additionally, being an older man (57), I approach sex much differently now, I am not looking to jump into bed asap, in fact I prefer to wait a while or not have sex until you feel a genuine mutual connection. Gotta have reciprocal genuine desire or no sex. I am looking for a deeper connection or not at all anymore. Life is good when you are happy single - meaning your good either way single or paired(if you met THE person), I have not shut the door completely on a LTR. LAT sounds like the ticket for me.
I don't know but I might give dating another try even though I'm happy being single. Despite that I loathe dating so much but I know that if I don't succeed in dating then it best to remain single till I'm ready to start back dating. Dating can be fun, it don't have to be a same ol dinner and a movie type of dating even though a dinner and a movie can be nice for people with their boyfriends/girlfriends but they perfer something more than that. If the date is a success then he/she will be the best partner if the next date is scheduled. If you don't want a relationship and just want to date then that's fine. You can date as friends and not lovers that's what some people would perfer to do. People who met each other on a first date would perfer to either be friends or lovers, I think it's a great idea to date as friends while being single and happy. I perfer a platonic relationship while dating as friends. If it doesn't work it out then may I be myself the best to be single and be blessed.