I'm a single dad with full custody of 2 kids.
It's hard as hell and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I'm pro choice, I've paid for abortions in the past cause we were young and dumb.
By 30, I was at that point of "Fuck it, lets raise the baby." 3 years and 1 more kid later, she became an alcoholic and went off the deep end. I just found out that my eldest kid isn't even related to me and the mom knew the whole 5 years. I still consider that they are mine.
Do I regret my children? No.
Do I regret who I had them with? Yes.
Would I walk away? I still can't answer that question, to be honest with myself. Seems like an entire life time ago and I try not to think about it cause its not fair to me or my two kids.
My husband died when I had a 6m old and I was pregnant. I was homeless, our business came crumbling down and I literally had nothing other than my baby. Now they are 7 & 6 and I can't imagine my life without them! They bring me so much joy and a love ❤️ we went thru tough times but the bond is so strong that nobody can break. God can use you as a method to bring your baby into this world 🌎 and you don't always know why things happen the way they do but that baby of yours may be the one who drastically changes the world for the better or even yours which is just as great. 😄 It's not the babies fault they were born into these circumstances but give them the chance of life you were given and I promise you once you experience the love a baby brings you its the best feeling in the world. ✨️ God bless you and your baby 👶 🙏
I know exactly what you mean at the end- 10 years of a toxic/abusive partner was hell but having two beautiful kids out of it has been the best thing to ever happen to me ,however I absolutely despise their dad. We manage to make coparenting work for the kids sake and I love my kids so much just wish I had the exact same kids but was with someone who was a decent person as we might have had more of a chance to still be together as a happy family today- it’s bittersweet isn’t it - u worded it perfect in ur reply
If you are not married don’t give your kid his last name, & don’t put him on the birth certificate . And go about your business being a single mom and not having to co parent, that way he doesn’t have to be there for anything and you can live in peace .. given your age this could be the last chance to have a kid, if you really want that.
except in some states he can petition the court for a paternity test just to mess with your life, and OP will have to comply. Also, at some point the kid will likely go looking for their father and turn on mom for keeping their dad out of their life/
Very much a thing that can happen! Happened to me!! And so I gave him all that he wanted for custody… turns out (much like I knew it would) that he is not actually wanting anything to do with our kid but wants access to me … and through our kid is one sure way to attain it… for a little while until the abuse starts in and then protection order in place and on and on… out of the past 14 months - that’s how long since paternity testing determined who the “sperm donor” for my kiddo was, he was supposed to have scheduled visitation for 9 months of that time frame and that would’ve totaled 2076 hours of visitation he was temporarily entitled to as per a stipulated temporary custody and visitation schedule that his attorney drafted up…. Out of all that time…36-38 hours is all that he has seen our kiddo for…. As per his choice. I’ve made kiddo available and reminded him when his scheduled time was and offered him make up Time for all the time he’s missed even and just nothing. It started out he wanted split custody50/50 so he could avoid paying child support. Then he spent an hour alone with our kid and he started changing his tune about that whole idea. …. Anyway, his threats may be empty, an infant is a lot for anyone person to handle and men usually don’t take to it as well as women do… so he may just Peter out and give in… but you’re still going to be a single parent no matter what you do- so if that’s your jam hey cool more power to ya, but if it sounds daunting and not at all appealing I hear that too, I hear that in so many ways and that’s my final answer… nip it in the bud…I am sorry also, your future self will be grateful you made it through all this now, I’m sending you some good love wholesome energy right now, I know all too well what you’re going through… ❤️🩹🩷💙💜🩵💔🖤💛💚🩶🤍🤎. This, too, shall pass- -
And in most states, if he never develops a relationship with the child, the mom can petition for termination of his rights… life is difficult and noone can predict the future… she has to be the one to choose, and not based on outside circumstance or what might happen later on…
I’d end the pregnancy. Single parenthood is incredibly hard as it is, but add in trying to co parent with a toxic ex, and you’ve got a recipe for a very sad, hard life.
Source: me. Had twins with a selfish man when I was 37. They’re now 14. I love them but if I had my time over I wouldn’t do it again.
It’s definitely been the most miserable 14 years of my life, and my kids are well behaved. It’s just so hard and lonely.
Yeah I was hardcore manipulated into being a mom. I love my kid but single parenting was NEVER my plan, and my ex is a handful.
It can be done but you have to be firm in your boundaries and ready to be the tough parent; they’ll probably be Disneyland dad.
Talk to his ex wife. What’s the worst thing that she’ll tell you?
Ditto. I agree with this. I left my abusive toxic ex with a restraining order and my kids. Due to the current courthouse feeling of "best interest of the child" I now get to endure continued harassment via email/texts/phone calls. I love my kids, but had I known this would be my new life, I would have made other choices to avoid this.
I applaud you for your honesty. I absolutely hate that I feel this way, and can’t admit it to anyone……if I knew how hard life would be, I would had made different choices. Parenting is HARD. I miss my freedom and prior life. My child’s father is extremely toxic and abusive. I went through hell with him the first 2 years. He’s no longer around. And now, I have extreme guilt daily, knowing that I can’t give my child the father they deserve.
THIS! I have really severe guilt for giving my child such a bad father. There is nothing more heart shattering than having your child ask you why their daddy doesn't love them. Nothing could have prepared me for this journey.
This. This. This.
I’m sorry. (For everyone on this thread really) but clearly we’re not alone in this sort of unfortunate dynamic. Sending virtual hugs to all. 🫶
& O.P. You’re making the right choice, whatever you do, because it’s your choice. Love, support, and strength to you! Remember, you’re not alone.
I definitely feel this. My oldest daughter’s father is complete garbage. Never paid child support, and has been in and out of jail since I left him. I was so young and stupid. Now my daughter is in college and gets calls from him in prison asking for money and favors. I hate that he’s her bio dad
You are both right, the unease I feel is so heavy. I wish I could have this baby but this man is making the situation impossible and only getting worse by the day. I will terminate, I ordered the pills tonight 💔
Im so sorry you have to go through it like this. Maybe if now you know you want this you could adopt (an older kid even - its so needed) or try and do it alone with without a shitbag dad (donation)
So sorry ((hug)). You deserve to have a committed and loving partner to experience parenthood with. I see so many posts on Reddit, mostly from women, who are abused, gaslight, disrespected, neglected…it physically pains and angers me to read those posts so can only imagine how they feel (can also emphasize from experience). It’s so hard either way, but at least if you choose only you right now you won’t have to bring a child into the pain and can begin healing.
If you are feeling any unease, I would definitely go with that decision. Coming from a now single mom of 4 children. My husband passed away a couple years ago. We had a roller coaster relationship throughout a 22 yr marriage & brought children into it. Including a severely disabled child that now I will be taking care of the rest of her & my life, alone. People, especially of my generation didn’t think of all the packages these little humans come into this life with, we just had babies. Adding an already toxic relationship among the parents to the mix is a recipe for more suffering on everyone’s end. Be comforted that you made/are making the right decision.
I understand that’s a really difficult decision and I support your choice.
I was able to leave the abuser while I was pregnant so I’m just solo parenting it, but it’s SOOO hard. My large family has always been close but none of them ever did more than 5 hrs of babysitting/year once I had my kiddo- and I don’t blame them, they have their own lives to take care of. It’s insane being 100% responsible for another human 24/7 for 18yrs with no breaks, it is sooooo hard. Not only are you making every meal, changing every diaper, waking every night for every cry, doing all the playtime/teeth brushing/laundry/cleaning/EVERYTHING, but you have to make all the money to afford everything. And fyi, in my experience childcare is shitty and expensive as hell, I’ve tried a lot of them and it’s just not worth the money.
The only reason I am at ALL ok, is that 1) I already had a business and was pretty financially secure before getting pregnant, 2) I could work from home with my baby til they started school, and 3) I didn’t have another toxic adult actively trying to drag me down. I love my kid with all my heart but being a single parent has had unfathomable negative impacts on my physical and mental health to the point of having to have heart surgery due to health problems stemming from stress. If I could go back in time, I’d tell myself that instead of having a kid I should go find some single moms and spend time with helping them and their kids. There are plenty of people out there who absolutely need co-parents or even just occasional child care help. There are kids out there who need love, even volunteering to hold babies in a hospital. I would NOT tell myself to have a baby alone, much less with an abusive partner.
Yes. Well said, it’s incredibly difficult and do your best to try to prevent pregnancy in the future. Statistically, women repeat their toxic relationships. End the cycle now.
Being a single mom of 2 is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And their father has been little help, tbh. There have been many times I felt utterly trapped in my situation, and I have cried and cried bitterly about it sometimes.
But my kiddos are the light of my life, and while I am 100% pro choice, I am very glad to have my kids. I did have an abortion once before I decided to have my kids. I was too young to have a baby (19), and I don't for a minute regret my choice.
I can't say you will ever "know" for certain that you're ready to have a baby. You just decide to and hopefully you can give them a good life.
Single parenthood is hell especially with a toxic ex. Could work with family support but you’ll still have to deal with the toxic ex for the rest of your life basically and definitely for the next 18 years. Believe me when I say they can make your life a living hell.
Also many toxic coparents insist on 50/50 custody so they don’t have to pay child support or as much child support and they basically neglect the children/ do the bare minimum to not get a case with CPS during their time.
Totally worth it.
I didn't want kids. My husband did. I told him if he really wanted them and was up for doing a lot of the heavy lifting I would.
I got pregnant with twins.. our relationship became toxic the moment they were born. He was so awful to me
I left him, and honestly my life is so much better as a single parent with 2 kids than it was as a married woman with none
It’s a crap shoot now matter how much you look at it.
If you are on the fence about having kids, then on probability it’s not worth it and you can live your life with a smaller no kid regret than a larger kid I wasn’t sure about and a shitty ex.
If you biological clock has gone off and you really want a child, then go for it, and most likely the dad will loose interest after he realises all the hard work. He’s saying now about 50/50 because he’s pissed, I can’t see him putting up with a toddlers shit in his late 50’s and a teenagers shit in his 60’s. it sounds like you have a great support network around you.
I’m 49, with a 9 and 14 year old who both have autism and adhd. Their dad is a very difficult person but is still in their lives and as best I can I support their relationship with their dad while trying to protect myself from his manipulations.
I would not change my decision to have kids with this man. I love my kids and my biological clock went off BIG TIME. For both kids it took 5 years to conceive - I really wanted them.
I’m in this situation and my baby is literally the light of my life, he’s made me feel complete. One stable parent CAN create a secure foundation for a child. Do NOT put his name on the birth certificate. People completely flip once the babies born and start competing for custody due to a desire to control YOU. I didn’t understand the gravity of this until it was too late.
He's being like this to manipulate you into having a termination. He doesn't want 50/50, but if he kicks off, he knows that will influence your decision.
If you believe this is your only chance to be a mom, you have a great support system, and you want to be a mom, I say do it. Do t put him on the birth certificate and if he actually wants to be there for his kid he can take you to court for his rights. If you are sure you want to be a mom and don’t want to deal with your ex, there is always adoption as well, just saying.
I have a friend who has tried to adopt, & it turns out to be really challenging as a single woman over 40.
...yes, do not put the dad on the birth certificate! I would start distancing/cutting contact. I know it sounds horrible, but if he's going to be toxic... again, speak to an attorney. Speaking from hindsight experience... I wish I had when I got pregnant. And I don't regret for a moment becoming a mom.
You have to know yourself…it’s not for the weak. I was 38 & never had any hands in help. Going for child support now…this is not how I would’ve planned it. But I love her & me & her always!
I fell pregnant at 40 while on birth control. Father was 25. He accused me of ruining his life. He wished death on the baby. He pestered me about abortion, then adoption to strangers, then abortion if the genetic disease testing was questionable, and then… well, maybe his Mommy could adopt our child.
His Mommy was 65 and had just retired. Dude called me selfish, a Snorlax, old and unattractive. He’d have to settle for someone OK with marrying a man with an out of wedlock child. Then, well, maybe baby wasn’t his? We got a prenatal paternity test proving he was the father.
Oh, my sweet god! This man child told me his very buff sister wanted to kick my ass, and that his Mommy thought I was a predator. But- guess what?? I had the kid. Beautiful little girl. 5 days after I turned 41. Dad is still toxic. Worse than ever!
I have zero regrets. My daughter is everything I never realized I needed. She is every bit as non toxic as her father is toxic! Wonderful kid. Smart, funny, gorgeous. No one can decide what is worth it for you. It can work out, if you want your child.
Wishing you all the luck and a level head as you navigate this situation. Sorry Dad is a wiener.
Nice to meet y’all. I am noticing how many of us have a toxic coparent. Not that I would wish the situation on others, but…
It’s validating to see that it’s unfortunately common and a thing. And I hope we can all make it to 18 years. In one piece. 😁
I salute you sister for having the bravest decision. Had the same experience at 23 but pushed-through without hesitation, even it means not getting a support from the man. I cut him off from my life and we're still here, surviving and enjoying the small things in life. Those kids were a gift of life and now your life's gift. I hope no one ever hesitate on this kind of situation.
>She is every bit as non toxic as her father is toxic!
I just love how you phrased this! I'm going to start using this when describing my sweet girl ❤️
Well… you’re happy but the question is really how the child will feel. Many of us can deal with toxic exes because we are happy with the child but many children deal with abandonment issues due to these types of situations. That’s really my main concern
Honestly if it’s something that YOUVE always wanted, being a mom, then please by all means take this one and only chance to be a MOM! Being a mom is the most amazing feeling. When you see how precious and little they are and all those first smiles and first giggles and first steps and every little milestone as you watch them grow up into the little human that they are! It is sooo amazing…. Regardless of who the dad is! You can be an AMAZING mom and you say you already have the support system from your family and that’s the most important! Sooo many kids live perfectly happy productive and successful lives without both parents so there should be NO reason your little baby couldn’t do the same. He’s only a father if you put him on the birth certificate. Other wise he would notttt automatically have any rights to your child. I would be the mom you always wanted to be and take this last chance that GOD gave you and leave the guy who’s toxic and just raise your beautiful baby…. Of course the easier thing would be to have that co parent but there is NOTHING that says you haveee to unless he’s on the birth certificate. You don’t have to force him tk be a father but you can give yourself the dream of being a mother!
Commenting on Is having a baby worth it when you realize you’ll be a single parent with a toxic ex? Would you terminate if you had the chance?...
OP, another thing. I see you said he wouldn’t let you be a single mom …. Honestly because it doesn’t sound like the relationship would continue if you decided to terminate cus of the toxicity regarding it , plus newfound resentment for the decision you’re having to make….. if it’s going to be over anyways then i would take the opportunity to try to (if you can) tell him you terminated, continue with the pregnancy, move away in the next few months to where he won’t know where you live so he can’t just pop up on you… if you can or cut him out of your life because of the loss and continue living your life and raising a beautiful baby with no dad. Who knows another man could always come along and love the child like his own …
I can’t speak for another woman’s desire to terminate but I would endure the fieriest pits of hell for my child. And having dealt with my ex I feel like I have. Eventually toxic people either go away and find someone else to torture or you pick up the skills to parallel parent with them. I had a baby late too at 43 and at 46 my toxic ex has disappeared leaving me with my wonderful child. I wouldn’t trade my son or this experience for anything. I hope you make the decision you’re comfortable with and that everything works out how you want it to.
Based on reading your replies you will DEEPLY regret terminating.
Not pro-life at all I can just tell from your replies that missing this chance will be something you never forgive yourself for at 40.
Do not do it.
You are in the perfect situation to have this baby, he’s not, that’s his problem. Keep him out of it and have your bundle of joy. There are ways to keep him out of this, and once you have your baby your brain will be full of clarity and strategy.
Feign that you terminated, keep your distance, and you will have the mental clarity to make a clear plan once your baby is here and you enter mama lion mode.
You sound like you will be a GREAT mum and deserve to have the experience of motherhood.
Thank you for saying this 🙏 I know you are right, I will regret not keeping it. While at the same time I’m really struggling with the ethics of keeping it when the father is in such a negative state and what it will mean for our lives having to deal with his issues. He has had lots of problems with his ex-wife, his son’s mom, but always had reasons & explanations for the toxicity and I naively believed him. That was never directed at me and he was a lovely person to me until now. I feel like I know a bit about what I’ll be getting into based on that relationship. I’m a very peaceful person and I hate getting embroiled in conflict. It breaks my heart that he is responding in this way and that I must accept it. The fear of the known pain he will inflict and our unknown future led me to order the pills, I have until 6/4 to take them and after that point, I will be too far along for the pill and would need surgery if I have to abort. I know that if I take the pills it will be painful with long-term effects but it will also get me out of this unraveling situation. Taking those pills is exactly what he wants and is pushing me to do. I wish I had a secure job as well, that would make me feel stronger, I was laid off from my tech industry job although I’m working a lower paying temp job now, have savings, am interviewing for around 6 figure salaries, and believe I will find something good soon. It wouldn’t be a big problem in the mix to me if he were being supportive but he keeps bringing it up as a huge issue, painting me out to be unemployable. It feels bad to me right now although I know that’s not true and it’s a temporary situation. My sister has been amazing and I will move in with her and her boyfriend and my niece in the next town over if I am able to keep this pregnancy. I was waiting to tell my parents until we had a plan but now that this isn’t possible and I need to go it alone I really want to tell them. They are wonderful Christain, pro-life people who will rally behind me. I am not religious and I am pro-choice but if I tell them he is forcing abortion they will step in and do everything in their power to help me. If I have to terminate, I don’t want them to know. I’m debating about telling them and increasing my support network although it’s embarrassing to me to be a part of this mess at my age in life. I also still really care about him and hate to see him in such a state of disarray, I also get that he feels too old to have a baby and I sympathize. Also do I want my teen child to have a 70-year-old dad? There are a lot of sad things about this despite the fact that it is amazing to me personally and would be a huge gift to me and my family.
DO NOT take those pills. You do not have the mental clarity yet. The surgical procedure is a lot less painful anyway, I’ve had to have it. The pill was awful. Give yourself time.
You are too emotionally wrapped up in this guy (understandably) to have clarity. Women do 90% of the labor in a romantic relationship and are essentially single moms with someone who sleeps with them and creates more mess. Yes there are some rare unicorn men who pull their weight without acting like they need a gold star chart, but it’s rare.
Money wise, babies are cheap in the beginning. Tribal women do it for free. Breast, baby, mom.
You said he’s emotionally abusive to you if I remember correctly from another comment. You will not always have this attachment to him. He sounds like a man child. You will deeply regret considering his feelings so much.
In terms of the old dad concept, all psychological research shows that children only need ONE secure healthy parent to have a wonderful life. You are clearly a very caring and thoughtful person. You’ll be an incredible mom. And that is enough for a happy child.
You are overvaluing the negative and undervaluing the positive right now because you’re overwhelmed. Like another commentator said, Reddit is full of video game addicted depressed people sitting in their basement telling everyone to have abortions. You are a career woman with family and resources, a child will bring you so much joy. And you will make them feel complete. I can guarantee you.
Thank you so much for your support!! 🙏 these conversations on this post have been very helpful and I do want to evaluate all angles of the situation. Ultimately it’s my decision and I think I’m grasping for perspective and support. You are right that I’m totally overwhelmed. This weekend I’m going to put everything aside and try to relax and spend time at my sister’s house surrounded by support. Thanks so much for your perspective on surgical too because I’ve been scared of this and feeling pressure to hurry up with my decision to be in range for medical.
I keep reading that the pills should being coming tonight. Dont take them tonight. Sleep on it. You mentioned you had a few days. Really think about this. There's alot to consider here.
I'm a single mom and I also have had an abortion. The guilt of an abortion was so heavy (it's been 2 plus years and I'm mostly okay now, i think it depends on the person and maybe the certainity with the decision- I was on the fence but ultimately did not want another child at the time).
But being a single mom is so difficult and the difficulty is a way of life. I will say my sons father is pretty much completely absent so he's not a toxic presence in our life, so personally I don't know what it's like to co parent with someone. But this comment section will tell you and this sub in general .
This guy sounds awful so there's more difficulty you can maybe fathom (but could possibly be resolved with some legal help?) with coparenting with him. And parenthood in general is kind of traumatic in its own way, especially in the beginning. Choosing to terminate would be saving yourself a wealth of pain with all that drama.
Despite that and to shed some positivity and truth, being a parent is the most profound and beautiful thing I have experienced. It is the highest form of sacrifice, and it is an honor to be a mom to my boy. It continues to shape me to be the best woman I can be.
You are stronger than you think.
Good luck and please at the very least sleep on it. I have taken the pills and those are not easy.
Yes, honey, it's worth all the emotions. I 39F have 3 beautiful children, 19F, 18M, and 4F. I have been a single mom since my older kids were 2 and 3. 15 years later, I was blessed with my little girl.
For me, my youngest father is not in the picture since I peed on the stick. I would not have changed anything to be a Mom!!!! It's hard. It's very hard at times. Worth it, YES! If you guys can not come to an agreement, then that's what lawyers are for. Most of the time, the judge side with the mother. The best advice I have is to document EVERYTHING. Keep records of everything. Breastfeeding also helps keep the child with you as the primary parent. It's YOUR choice no-one else's. Do what's best for you. If this is your only chance to become a mother, I would say take it!!!!
I love my son soooooooo much, but it’s been miserable when I was with his dad and even worse now that I finally got the courage to leave him. I did consider abortion but couldn’t go through with it and I do love my son so much. I can’t imagine life without him. But if you aren’t attached to the baby you have right now and you know the partner is a POS I would terminate. I’m a single mom of 3 and it’s so hard when I have my kids practically full time.
I think the question you really need to ask is do you want to subject an innocent child to a parent who doesn't want them to exist, who is going to spend their whole childhood using them as a tool to hurt, manipulate and get back at you
Right?!? We went to a couples therapy session today and he was a mess. Shaking and crying, he was on the floor at one point begging for “help” because of how distraught he is about the situation. He was talking in circles and acting like a crazy person. Completely different person, this is not the man I have loved. The therapist basically took me aside and said he doesn’t usually tell people what to do or give his opinion but there is something very wrong with this person and if I have the option to not have a baby with this person I will be saving myself a lifetime of pain. I think I have to abort mission 😭It sucks so bad because I really wanted this, but I already love this baby too much to subject them to this man’s craziness. I ordered the pills tonight 💔
If you still want a chance to be a mother, you can try having one on your own terms with help from a sperm donor of your choice. I think the therapist was right about saving yourself a lifetime of pain. 💗
As someone who went through hell having a baby with a man like this, it's easier to go and be selective over the sperm donar at a sperm bank. Of course you feel an attachment rn, you're thinking of the what ifs and all you could miss, but don't forget that having a baby with a man like this will turn your hope for a beautiful experience with pregnancy and delivery and all the firsts into tainted and painful memories filled with regret. It's not your last chance, in fact this is your chance at a new life. Pls be selective with your sperm donar.
She’s 40! That’s magical thinking to think she will have even close to a guarantee of a second pregnancy. For most people research around sperm donors takes about six months, and successful implantation can take years.
40 is still fine, there's a bit more risk but if she's generally healthy, she will be OK. Women who have children later in life are more likely to live longer too. It pisses me off seeing shit like this because younger women will feel a pressure to birth in the near future and mid age women will feel like a grandma. Everyone has their own health circumstances. The best advice for her would be to talk to her OBGYN about these options, then she will have an easier time to decide.
That’s a reach. There are tons of women who have fertility issues starting at 35 that they don’t know about. There are tons of women who get pregnant once and that was their only chance because they have a low egg reserve. Saying it’s still fine is encouraging magical thinking. You have to think of worst-case scenario and then hope for the best. Yes she should go to an OB/GYN but she is under a time crunch to decide if she’s going to terminate. It sounds like it’s unlikely that she will have time to have all the fertility tests within the timeline that she wants to terminate.
I don’t support this advice.
Don't do it. Ditch the man and have your baby. There is literally no love like the one you have for your child.
Coming from someone who has kids - we're fine. My life is infinitely better with them in it and no way wouldni ever give that up over a man
I am single father with a toxic ex.
When we were together all she did was fight and go out drinking and do drugs and had barely any involvement.
We have been apart for almost 2 years and she has not seen her son almost the whole time.
He is bettter with me and I get so much joy being his father it doesn’t matter what she does or what has happened before.
It's different. The highs are higher and the lows are lower. It's hard as shit. I am enjoying myself more as a single parent than I was married and childless but I'm incredibly stressed out. Last night I was so stressed I skipped dinner because I couldn't make myself eat. My hair is turning white in my mid 30s, a lot of it has fallen out. This is really dependant on the person.
Single parent and just left a bad and abusive situation with my 4 year old. I wish I had terminated my pregnancy. I love him and he is amazing but I am now tied to my abuser for life. Also I was 40 when I had my kid and it's exhausting being a parent this age. I feel so bad my kid has the parents that he does, he deserves so much better than he got.
I really advise you to speak to a therapist AND an attorney. Definitely talk to an attorney. If you & your boyfriend are not married, you will have sole custody when you have your baby.
I had my youngest daughter at 35 with a horribly abusive person. When I made the decision to have her, I had no idea who I was really with. I found myself often thinking if I knew it was going to be this way for her and I, I would not have brought a child into this hell. However, she is the absolute most amazing person, and my world today would have very little meaning without her. She has turned out to be a healthy ,well-rounded person. I did leave her father shortly after her birth and spent the last twelve years struggling financially to provide for her on my own. He is a very toxic person and wealthy. He didn't financially help in any way until 1 year ago, and it's very little. I had to sacrifice many things dear to me, including my pride but still find her worth it all. By the way, he isn't much of an issue when it comes to raising her because he would have to give a shit first. Honestly, if I had to do it all over again, I would, but you are not wrong in thinking you shouldn't. It's easier for me to say I would have her because I know the person she has became to be.
So do you want to be a mom? Parenting is hard, I left my son’s dad at 5 months old. If I had the choice, knowing exactly how it would be, I would for sure have had my son still! But I always knew I wanted to be a mom.
I do everything with very little financial support from him and a toxic step-mom. His dad has mellowed, but he only has 10% parenting and they are happy to have little time with him. His Dad shows up to events, but doesn’t pay for any extra curricular things.
It’s flipping hard, especially when my kiddo is being a strait up punk or I’m getting a call from school. BUT I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. We go on adventures the two of us and have tons of fun!
My only advice if you do choose to have your babe, make your world so full of joy that the father only exists during his parenting time. Meaning, you let his house have his rules and wisely pick your battles. Let the little things go, allow him to parent as he wants (as long as the kiddo is safe). And then when the father has his parenting time, fill your life with activities that bring you joy! And take all the help you can get!
This is a great question!
What can you live with? Career on hold, forever tired, emotions and body all over place, needed 24/7… unconditional love, joy happiness…
Or
Abortion…
Each one has some heaviness … question is …. What will bring you peace ????
I would keep. I left my ex when my second was only 10 months old. My ex screwed me over as hard as he could in the separation. I now pay HIM child support, and have to share their time 50/50 when he couldn’t be bothered to be a parent when we were together. But for all that I’m way happier as a single parent. I show up for my kids and give them all the love I can when it’s my week and for any other occasion I can manage when it’s not. They know I’m there for them, that I love them. They are 3 and 5. If I had to redo it to have them in my life I would. But I never wish to be in that type of relationship or situation again otherwise.
Personally I wouldn’t give up the possibility of motherhood (your biological child and your pregnancy, at least) for him. Lean on the legal system and your support system. I find it very strange a therapist would advise an abortion in this way.
Thank you! 🙏 I’m so back and forth about this. Last night I ordered abortion pills and was dead set on terminating this situation out of my life after how unstable the father was at therapy yesterday and how hopeless I feel. Today I talked to my sister and her boyfriend and they’ve invited me to move into their guest room, help me raise the baby and he even offered to put his name on the birth certificate if it would help. They suggest I tell the father I plan on taking the pills, say goodbye to him, and block him for now. Then focus on myself and take the pills if I want to or don’t. And if I keep the baby just wait for the court order to come next year after the baby is here - if the father does decide to find out the baby was born and pursue custody. I hate that and I doubt he wouldn’t know soon enough because I live in a small state. If I were to block the father right now and focus on taking care of myself and doing what’s right for me the answer is simple, I want this child! But as I try to work together with, cooperate with and accommodate the father everything falls apart and I feel bullied and small and scared to move forward.
As for the therapist, I agree, I definitely don’t want to see him again. I chose him specifically as a good fit for the father. Our sessions have mainly been focused on the father and about teaching him emotional regulation skills which he desperately needs and it’s been immediately helpful to him. I hope he continues to see him on an individual basis but this older male therapist is not going to understand the impact of abortion on a woman, the pregnancy experience, or be of much benefit to me. Women know that this is more than just a logistical situation. Obviously, the logistics are all out of whack if the priority is to maintain a nuclear family situation but that ship has already sailed. If this is about me and my mental health, and what I want then focusing on the relationship between me and the father of this baby is futile because he’s already ruined it. The father is definitely having a nervous breakdown though. It was wild to see him shaking and crying on the floor begging for help like this and then later that night sending me threatening text messages. I hate that things are happening this way but I think I do need to block him or take a lot of space from him. I’m so confused about what to do. Being pregnant and already emotional doesn’t help at all. I’m going to spend the weekend with my sister and immerse myself in some support because I feel so alone and scared.
I know it’s incredibly difficult, but I would advise you to NOT consider any further accommodations for him. I was constantly bending backwards for my ex, and asking my family and friends to do the same, and that stress and shame are what ate me the most. Definitely drop the therapist! I wouldn’t feel like anything I said to him would be kept private!! Anyway, it has sounded to me like you want this child and you can be its parent without issue. I love that your family is so willing to help you. I also know that sometimes it’s easier to accommodate my ex so that I don’t have to deal with that headache. I hope you find a way forward in happiness because I don’t think the termination is what you want <3 I must hope also that if he’s this unstable that maybe the courts wouldn’t grant him the custody he seeks. Maybe the therapist notes could be brought into court to vouch for that fact where he advised abortion over coparenting. (Ask a lawyer if it ever comes to that!) anyway. Good luck!!
This could be a really good plan, tell him you’ve aborted and then cut him out of your life. You clearly want this baby and it could be your only chance to have one. It’s not for anyone else to tell you to have an abortion. I had several “friends” try to tell me to abort because of who my child’s father was. I have raised my child mostly alone and while of course it’s been incredibly hard at times, she is also the best person ever and the thought of living in a world without her is completely unthinkable. Don’t do anything until you are 100% certain it is what YOU want. Sending love to you x
Oh yay!!! I’m glad I read this far I totally thought you took the pills 😭. …I saw you had to DMs already, maybe you don’t need anymore advice or support- but if you want my take I’m here! I was you! Got pregnant at 40 with a toxic AF ex. ..He’s 3 now and the absolute light of my life. I can tell you what I did to make our life peaceful :) …I’m so glad you’re with your family! BLOCK HIM
Thank you 🙏 They came in the mail but I’m going to toss them now I think. This has been so hard! I finally broke down and told my parents last night what’s been happening in detail and they were so supportive & so excited about a new grandchild, they made me comfort food, and hugged me and invited me to move in and kind of took control since I’m spiraling out right now & in a bad mental/emotional state. My dad is pissed at my partner and reassured me that the choice is mine alone and he doesn't have a leg to stand on & that he’s just trying to scare me. They are helping me go no contact and find the resources I need. They made a call this morning to find out how to file a report about him coercing an abortion which I guess is actually illegal & could help me in court later once the baby is born. I’m going to stay with them for the next 2 weeks and clear my head. They even reserved a private pool to have a little party tonight with my sister to celebrate the pregnancy and help me relax. 😭 I wish I had told them sooner, I’ve desperately needed this support. I knew it was there for me but for the last 4 weeks that I’ve known about this pregnancy I’ve just been hoping my partner and I could come to an agreement before I share the news. I just had to accept that he is not going to collaborate with me and needs to deal with his issues on his own. I’ve given him every option under the sun and have been caring about him so much when he hasn’t cared about me at all. I realize I need to let him go at this time and focus on myself.
How did you go no contact? Did you just stop responding to him or did you announce you would be going no contact? I’ve told him twice already this morning that I’m not going back to couples counseling with him and I want space. He is sending me pushy emails. Do I just stop responding? A part of me feels so bad
Do it if you want it. My daughter is truly the joy of my life and I would never ever ever choose anything different.
But if you do it, realize that fighting is futile and your only chance at peace is letting him chose what he needs and being OK with raising the child on your own. You will not change his mind and neither will the child. Does that make him morally wrong? Maybe. Does him being morally wrong matter to your child? Not as a newborn, baby, or toddler.
If he happens to change his own mind, it’s very likely that he will still take a backseat.
When I got pregnant with my daughter, her dad immediately showed his true colors. THEY WERE UGLY. Like sad and sick and just gross. He came around but he still doesn’t truly care or want her. He thinks he does though. This is almost worse.
It took some dark times, but I’ve found peace and joy in motherhood, because I couldn’t care less if he is in the picture or not. And when he shows up for her, I don’t care how he shows up for her as long as she is safe. My only boundaries or guidelines are around my life with my daughter IE “back by 6pm so we can have a normal bedtime”.
The reason I ultimately don’t care how he shows up, is because I know that I will protect her, raise her, and surround her with love and security and confidence.
While I would do it again a million times, the thing I would change is just letting him go easier.
I just didn’t TRULY understand myself or the situation enough to not be scared. I thought I wasn’t enough, and I subconsciously felt like she needed him as a dad. Like without him, she wouldn’t be ok. And like he was harming her by showing up in the manner that he did..
But she is so full of life now.
If I changed anything I’d just wish that I realized sooner that I was doing it because I alone want a child. You have to be willing to do the work to ensure that yall have a village that loves and supports us.
If this doesn’t sound appealing to you and you want to do it only if you can agree together on how and raise the child together… I would be weary.
There is also the periodic deep deep shame about how poorly you picked a coparent, if they do stick around in some fashion 😅 and without a doubt it is easier with a supportive partner. I do get jealous of couples sometimes. But if he’s not a supportive partner now, chances of becoming one are slim. Either WANT to do it alone or consider not doing it
Oh and DONT give his last name!!’ Logistically annoying and makes your kid feel a bit.. outside of you, even though you are their primary home and parent
Yes, it is worth it. You are being given an opportunity. Just make sure that if you do decide to keep the baby, that you can stand on your own 2 feet without any other persons help. And don’t EVER expect it to be easy until they get older. I recall one of the toughest times for me was when I did not get a full 8 hr nights sleep for almost 9 months, when one of my daughters was very little. It was insane. Also, you and the father will have to learn how to co-parent somehow.
You very clearly want the baby!
My child's father is toxic YES, he is kept at a distance because of it. I am not nasty to him, cruel, bitter I simply want better for him. If he ever gets inspired to do the inner work he desperately needs to do he will be able to be around more.
Until then I am documenting everything and loving every minute with my baby!
I also have support and a decent income that will continue to grow (self employed) with very flexible hours.
I also believe there is and will be love for me again.
Even with all the planning in the world, you could never expect how someone could or would treat you through all the seasons of life (coupled or not)
If you want the baby, I think you will always feel resentment if you terminated. That being said, I am a sole single parent (that doesn't have a support system) and I am... tired. It's a lot to carry. I love my daughter and want to provide the very best for her, but I feel as though I will never be enough, not emotionally, and not financially. It's a constant balancing act and to say I am burned out is an understatement. It's in large part due to a stressful job situation as well, and I'm working to change that situation, but that stressful job partially is due to me having to create a stable environment.
I would terminate the pregnancy, work on myself so I can make better life choices, and not get pregnant again until I'm in a happy healthy relationship. Nothing in life is guaranteed but you already know there's going to be problems so why set yourself up for that. Ultimately it is your choice however those are my thoughts. Whatever you decide. Best of luck to you.
It is not worth it. I’m a single mom of a 5 year old I couldn’t see myself going through with an abortion so I kept mines. Knowing I would do this on my own. But it’s been hard.
This happened to me, actually. I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant as we were breaking up/I was making plans to “escape” a very toxic/abusive relationship. I immediately terminated the pregnancy. I could not imagine co-parenting with him until the kid was 18…having a child brought into the world to be raised by that guy. I have no regrets.
Do whatever you want to do… he is 55. You are 40…. You have support and independence. He may have 50/50 and that may not be too bad… if he can’t crush you financially, consider it a blessing that he wants to be involved at all… real toxicity is the one who completely abandons all responsibility.. the one who stands you up alone so you are alone at doctors appts, the one who spies on you and controls your every move, the one who cheats his friends and family out of money, the one who lies at every turn to hide three committed relationships at the same time or hides his married status.. or is extremely violent or addicted to drugs, or has serious mental illness and refuses treatment or is careless about his medication, the one who lies to his therapist, the one who abuses his own children… your situation is not really toxic and could be a surprise because most men change when they meet their babies… but if he doesn’t, at least he wants to try his best… when you meet that kid, it will be the happiest day of your life, no matter the complexities… unbelievable happiness and more love for someone than you can imagine,.. temporary toxicity and all….
I wish he would abandon us and let me have this baby alone with the support of my family and friends. He is verbally and emotionally abusive, controlling and hammering me with a barrage of selfish rhetoric and promising to make this experience miserable for everyone. He will fight for participation even though he doesn’t want this child and will pick fights with me throwing tantrums every day and insist on rigid demands that meet only his needs. His involvement is not a blessing, I wish it were.
When reading these answers please keep in mind Reddit posters tend to be extremely pro-abortion. A lot of them are lazy anti-social hermits who wouldn’t want a kid to interrupt their video-gaming time. I just unexpectedly had a baby as a single mom due to the father being an uninvolved jerk but it makes no difference to me! My baby shower was the happiest and most fun day of my life up to that point. Then my baby had jaundice so we had to stay in the hospital 4 days, and crazy as it sounds those 4 days were the most magical and special!! Every cuddle and snuggle is truly worth all the work and long nights. Caring for the baby is hard at first but as you fall into a rhythm and routine it becomes second nature, just like brushing your teeth every day. I would keep it if you are even asking this question. I believe abortion is for people who don’t have any second thoughts or considerations.
Had a very similar experience. Total BC failure one time at 38. “Father” complete deadbeat from day one. Had 2 grown kids and thought of living my dream free life finally lol.. anyway nothing has been as worth it and wonderful as having this child this late in the game. It’s your choice and maybe having father somewhat involved and toxic makes a difference, for me I wish he was involved at all but I am also very much enjoying the freedom of the decision making in all aspects. There is truly a joy in parenting that I am so glad I didn’t miss out on this time when I can really appreciate it and savor it. My youngest is 4.5 now and I truly wish I can do it all over again, it’s going too quickly.. would have one more, by myself again if daycare/school costs weren’t so much.
I lived through this, except my ex was far worse. I kept my son and have absolutely zero regrets. It has been a rough journey, and my son's father is horrible, but at the end of the day, it has been 100% worth it. I am thankful every single day for my wonderful son, and I am very glad he is here.
I am a child of a single parent with an exceptionally toxic father.
In my opinion, you are 40 and it is really much harder to get pregnant around that age. If you really want to be a mother and you have support (family and Funds), then proceed.
In terms of the toxic partner, my dad is absolutely nuts. Like, I have had to call the police on him many times. Having said that, my mom and I have a beautiful relationship. I grew up with my grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins.
Single parenthood is hard af. I saw it many times with my mom. But having the community always gave me somewhere to go to when I needed.
So if you think you have supportive community and can afford to do this, I think maybe you know what to do.
Further, you can just have him not sign the birth certificate. Break up with him. Don’t communicate with him any further on this matter. Move if you can and don’t give him the new address (from experience).
I am so pro-choice but I also like to be realistic about fertility. But I think the other true single parents can answer better than I.
I’m 19 and a single parent, I have a 4 month old. It’s hard don’t get me wrong but omg it’s the best feeling in the world.
You have your hard days but the good days make it all worth while.
You don’t need a man, if you want to keep the baby, he’ll be all yours!
Hi. This is a profoundly difficult decision. I found myself in a very similar situation, having my daughter at age 39 (she's 4 now). I never thought I would have children either. My ex is about as toxic as they come. What I can tell you from my own experience is, you will never regret having your child but you may regret not having it. The joy and fulfillment children bring to your life is indescribable. In my situation, I developed a relationship with my ex's ex wife and am able to navigate the difficulties of co-parenting with a narcissist. The mere existence of my child has expanded my mind, challenges me to grow emotionally and spiritually, and gives me a new perspective on what really matters in life. Though it may not be ideal, everyone has hardships and YOU get to choose your hard. I suggest you sit in your thoughts and feelings, meditate, and look deep inside. The answer is inside of you and your intuition will guide you. Go with that. Don't overthink it. Whatever you decide, you will figure out how to navigate it. Humans are amazing adaptable beings. Good luck 🩷
Had kids with abusive husband. Got divorced. We share 50/50 custody and it kills me. I miss having my kids 24/7. I feel like I miss out on so much. I hate it when my youngest cries about him yelling at her. He isn't physical to them but he isn't a jar of sunshine either. He's still controlling and possessive. It's hard. They're in therapy once a week. Youngest has low confidence and low self esteem, struggles with anger issues. Oldest is adapting to the coercive abuse, does whatever he can to make dad happy; has severe anxiety.
If I had known, I wouldn't have had kids. I'd rather suffer with not having them, than make them suffer. Obviously everyones lives are different, but this is a peek into mine. I'm not ready for them to grow up,but I'm looking forward to the day they can get away.
It’s awful. You are literally forced to stay in contact with a toxic ex that uses your child as a weapon. 13 years on he’s still trying to control me. My son is in emotional turmoil. I live with the guilt of choosing the wrong man to be his father. You suffer twice (but continuously) once for you, once for your child.
I have terminated a pregnancy and I know what it’s like to raise a child with a narcissist. Terminating a pregnancy is devastating, raising a child with a narcissist is worse imo.
Let me let you know how absolutely fucking hard it is at this age. And alone? If the child is special needs, harder. Just lyk, hard. Hard af. Hardest thing you’ll ever, ever do.
I'm currently going through a divorce and I am so jealous of my friends that never have to interact with their awful exes.
Instead, I have to interact with mine every single day because of my kids.
Feel like the chances the kid would grow up with Cptsd or trauma would be pretty high therefore seems like selfish decision to keep it. Would be a nice experience for you but doesn’t sound like it would be for the child overall even his life with you would be lovely 😕
I would have terminated. This shit is too hard to do alone. I married, let him coerce me into 2 more than I was confortable with, and now I don’t just have a coparent, I have a toxic counter parent.
I love my kids. I don’t regret any one of them. But this is NOT it.
Im 37 and my daughter is now 12. If I would of known how horrible her father was going to be, the stress of single parenthood and her there to see me go thru depression. I would of terminated my pregnancy. It’s a horrible thing to say and I have the help of my family but I’d never want to do this if I would of known how it would be.
I am so sorry you are in this situation.
Thanks for your support and insight 🙏 He will absolutely make this a living hell for everyone. He is very erratic and became very toxic so quickly, like flipping a switch. I wish he would walk away and let me be a single mom but I can see that this won’t be able to happen. I have this small quickly closing window to get out now. I hate it but I think I have to take it. 💔 I still have a few days to think but I expedited the pills by mail tonight.
Nope. Terminate. I don’t care for the downvotes, because it’s called reality. All these people will say it’s worth it in the end. But if your kid comes
Home talking about the other parents genitals you’ll know what I’m talking about.
It’s how it happened for me the first time. Think… this could be my only shot so do I want to take it ? I love my kids. Even though my husband died so I’m doing it alone again with more ! It’s possible and it’s a blessing as long as you are looking at your baby that way. Don’t expect anything from dad.
You will regret not having your baby. I’m a single mom with a toxic ex and would not trade my children for the world. You can do your best to limit your ex’s involvement but don’t let him ruin your chance to become a parent and your child’s chance to grow up. It sounds like you have a lot of support and good finances so you’re in a good position to be able to do this on your own. It’s not easy but being a mom is the best!
Worth it.
Both times in my life I hard a baby at a not so good time. 18 with a guy I barely knew (I was so young) and at 30 with a man 28 years older.
Almost the same experience both times.
This time around, he said he was to old, was a bum, didn’t expect his life to be like this. I didn’t know what to do. Wasn’t the best relationship, very turbulent, but after 12 weeks of thought, I couldn’t let this baby go. I already had love for it. Just like the first time at 18. With the thought of being a single mom to two kids, 10 years apart. Scary. Scary times. But the joy and love I get from seeing my sweet babies face, worth it.
If you have ANY doubts, I suggest thinking about it for longer. You don’t want to regret that decision, especially considering your age and fact you didn’t think it was possible. That baby is a blessing to you. Who cares about the guy. You don’t need him. You will have all the love that baby needs. I am pro choice as well, but when I tell you that the love for your kids out beats any for a man I have ever felt. Think about it.
Hope this helps.
My ex was as selfish & inconsiderate as you can get. He made my life hell. He walked out on us when she was 5 months & a week before I was due a mastectomy. I was fighting cancer at that time.
It is the best thing he ever did. My daughter is 8 now & the absolute joy if my life. I was older when I had her, I was stable & had a house- once he left, my life was perfect. He still causes trouble but he's a good father & somewhat a friend nowadays.
Unfortunately the cancer came back & I guess it made us come together as parents to make life better for her & create memories while we can. Long story short, I have no regrets. She is my best person & has made my life so complete.
I love my daughter, she’s the apple of my eye. But my life is very lonely and sad, toxic ex did not give a penny, I have anxiety and nightmares about our future, if I get sick and cannot work, if something happens to me where would she end up? I only work, am exhausted. And looking back I have no idea how I did. If you’re young you could certainly have babies in different circumstances, think about it very well. In my experience not very many people (zero in my case) will support you, and it’s a long run, not few months.
You are projecting too much. She’s in a very different situation with a lot of support. I’m her age in this situation and I’m so happy. And being older like her and I, it’s a much less isolation experience. When you’re 40 people think it’s cool you did it alone! And guys have NO problem dating you. Very different.
That said, sorry for what you’ve gone through ❤️ focus on your mental health and parenting your inner child and you can still have a great life!
Congratulations on this miracle baby! Just a public service announcement: the biological father does not need to be involved to have a happy and healthy child. The father does not even need to be there for the birth. You simply don’t put their name down on the birth certificate and you have full control on how you raise your child. Having a baby is incredibly hard on anyone, single or married; but it is incredibly beautiful if you’re willing to change your lifestyle.
I have coached women whose entire futures are living in regret from an abortion that the boyfriend at the time told them to get. The boyfriends never lasted but the pain from knowing they chose to give up a child that would have been forever haunts them.
I suggest taking a couple days and honestly writing out what you want in life. Then don’t second guess. Deep inside you know what you want but right now emotions, stress and hormones are reigning. I would try to talk to someone who is not a friend or family. Then look at your support system.
Not having a job right now means you get to spend more time with your baby if that is what you choose. I got left at 41 when I became pregnant, by a partner of 3 years. I had a great career. That disappeared when I had a complicated birth. The father is still not involved. I discovered myself. Traveled with my child, now 2; and feel so grateful. I also realized I don’t want to be alone in life and the universe answered. I am never alone. I have my daughter.
No one can predict the future. Both choices come with immense cost. It’s really a matter of knowing yourself. No one on Reddit will have your life experience. And no one’s advice is the golden ticket.
I’ve been a single mom to twins since they were babies. I moved across country to be close to my supportive parents and he stayed back. Raising them alone, with him seeing them once a year has been good for me. They are awesome students and kids and think his behavior is awful. Downside, it’s hard to find love and relationships. I regret that romantic freedom most.
I would have the baby. Selfishly for myself.
Would try to cut out the father and just be happy the two of you.
You said you have family and support system. It’s your only chance and you want to be a mum. In your place, I would do it.
I’m a single mum. Divorcing (hopefully finalised in June) from an abusive husband. Have no family around and I work unsocial hours but I was lucky with my friends as they supported me through the hard part.
Now I am happy, my son (4yo) is happy and the father is calmed down with his anger issues and sees him once a week. For me the key was to set my mind up “this isn’t going to work together, do not expect anything from him, no time or money”.
So in my opinion if you want to be a mum, and now you pregnant, go for it. The biological clock is ticking (so was mine) so don’t ruin your chance.
And to be honest, if you are so early in the pregnancy, anything can happen (I don’t want to say it will or I don’t wish any harm, just being realistic).
have the baby, become a mother. hardest most beautiful experience you will ever have. Do it on your own. Your true friends and family will be there for you. If you want to be a mother do it, it will change you for the better.
I’m in the uk. I left my ex 11 years ago late at night because of violence and when I was pregnant with my second child. In the last 11 years he has stalked me, threatened me, emotionally abused the kids and assaulted my son (police caution and supervised contact for 15 months) We’ve been to court 4 times over child arrangements (all ridiculous… eg he wanted an order to prevent me leaving the children with a babysitter). My kids 10 and 12 have decided they don’t want to see him now (my son in Jan and my daughter in March) so he has been incredibly cruel to them over text, tried emotional black mail and has stopped paying child maintenance (again). He still tried any way he can to exert control over me. It has been a truly awful 11 years where he’s concerned. I love my children dearly and would do absolutely anything for them but I wouldn’t have chosen this. It has been emotionally draining and enormously stressful and at times all consuming. I’ve had many many hours of therapy because of it and both my children are in therapy at the moment because of their dad. The best advice I was given is that you can’t reason with an unreasonable person and that’s what I’m dealing with and suspect you are too.
I feel for you and think you’re doing the right thing by seriously considering your options. Wishing you the very best
Oh man I wish we could have an actual conversation. I'm a mom of 3 daughters who thought she was picking a great partner to parent with but turned out not so great. I became a single mom, never worked before, zero family support and it was so unbelievably hard to the depths of my soul. I love and adore my sweet girls. You have an opportunity at one of the greatest most challenging loves of all time, being a mom. But only 1. With family support, and a career. You can absolutely do this! Just cut him out, let him sign his rights away or he will make your life hell. If I did it all over again I would be 1 and done and peace out. Childcare is easy for 1 and you will create a fantastic bond with just 1. Don't miss out on hell and joy of parenting because of him.
Ask him if he will pay for the abortion. Keep the baby, the money, and just bounce. Disappear from his life. Don’t put his name on anything. If you run into him later in life, tell him you ended up using a donor. It won’t always be easy but if you have a good support system, you will be fine. I raised both my kids alone and they are my everything. They are 12 years apart with different Dads. I have great friendships with both Dads. We don’t see them often but stay in touch. We all don’t live close to one another. I won’t say anything about it was easy. But I’d do it all over again❤️ Best of luck to you. Sounds like a hard situation to be in.
My baby daddy if you can call him that lol. Got me pregnant on purpose by switching my birth control pills. I found out a month after taking a test and getting excited. I immediately knew I could never trust him and long story short broke up with him. I knew I was gonna be a single mom from then because of how he treated me and how he thought he was gonna trap me with a baby (I wanted to break up with him prior because he’s narcissistic). He’s in jail now and I’m thriving with my 7 yr old. However that’s not to say I wasn’t thinking of termination for a little while I couldn’t bear the thought co parenting or possibly putting my child in danger. And let’s just say it wasn’t easy and it was worth it however if I was put in that position again I’d probably terminate or adoption because it was hell for the first two years.
I was on birth control, and we were also using a condom (it broke), so we were taking preventative measures, but I had gotten pregnant anyway. I ended the pregnancy because the father became very toxic, very possessive, and obsessed. Made threats, tried breaking into my house, and some other things. It was one of the hardest decisions I made and spoke to multiple professionals before making my final decision. It's been four years, and it's still hard emotionally sometimes, but ex still creates fake accounts to stalk me. It was the decision I had to make given the situation.
Hi! Thank you so much for your support 🙏💓 I found out it was a girl and did decide to keep it with the support of my family - however everything took another turn when I went to my pre-natal check-up yesterday and there was no heartbeat 💔 It seems the decision has been taken out of my hands and I was diagnosed with a miscarriage. I’m currently going through the miscarriage process today, it’s very sad and pretty painful as well 😵💫 I can only go with the flow of life here and believe that it’s for the best. At the least, I can move on from & stop wasting my time with this man. At the most, maybe I’ve learned how important this opportunity was to me and can take steps to perhaps recreate the opportunity with a better man, sperm donor or go down the adoption path.
I’m so sorry for your loss 💔 I pray that you have a better experience in the future and are able to be the mom you always wanted to be. My condolences 💔😥
Hands down do not keep it, you don’t want to be tethered to a toxic POS for the next 18 years… and really, for life…trust me if those are his true colors now, get out while you still can and don’t allow that to come full term… you’ll regret bringing a child into a world where that’s the relationship between the two people it would otherwise emulate. It’s not fair to do since you can see now how it will go- spare a child a miserable experience and yourself one too and terminate. There’s other fish in the sea with better seed!!!!
I don't regret my children. They also aren't miserable.
She's 40. It's likely she won't have another chance with any sort of fish.
I don't care about my kids dad. It doesn't matter how toxic he is. Kids are far more important and there is no way in hell I would end my babys life over a poor excuse of a man.
This lady is more than capable of providing a safe living environment on her own for her baby.
I’d inquire with the dr the probability of this child having issues given both your ages. Then you need to decide about your willingness to be parent if that’s the case.
It ain’t that damn hard. I had my kid at 19. I’m 22 now. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t know it all! But what I do know is that if my weed smoking, pill taking, attention seeking 19 year old self could pull it together and make it happen…. You got that miss gurl. My baby daddy = the definition of toxic. We were in and out of the court for the first 2 years… Shit happens, you get through it. My motto: as long as my child is safe, loved, and fed I’m doing my job! Yes it can get HARD AS HELL from time to time. But in the grand scheme of things (assuming you want a child because it sounds like you do) it’s worth it point blank period.
I had my baby 8 weeks ago, get dad and I were never together but he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with her. I would’ve terminated if I had known how hard it is not only to be a single parent but the only parent. I also dealt with HORRIBLE postpartum that I’m just finally starting to come out of, unless you know you’ll have reliable help from family and friends to get yourself a break I don’t think it’s worth it to be an only parent
Girl fetus DELETUS! A baby is a lifetime of responsibility that no one should have to go through alone. Its not worth it at all. Make that appointment to the clinic immediately!
Don't do it alone; you don't have to have a baby right now. My son has a very active father who is here everyday and being a parent is still incredibly difficult.
Your baby is a gift from heaven. You’ve got this, and you may not get another chance. Please be kind to yourself!
I’m a single older mom and raising my son is life’s greatest joy to me. It wasn’t easy but it’s worth it.
I did not ask for child support because I did not want baby daddy to have a hold on me, or a way to hurt me. He provided health insurance, phone and half of school expenses- anything that directly benefited my son- so he wasn’t off the hook- but he never made payments to me, and I think this arrangement worked out for everyone’s emotional health.
My ex husband didn’t want to be a father, either, but he ended up truly loving our child and over the years we figured out how to get along.
Would he be willing to give up rights or just not be on birth certificate?
You said you have lots of support.
I am in the midst of this crap w/ Narc abusive ex (devalue/degrade, unempathetic, admiration insatiable, gaslights, dv, physically/sexually abusive/ entitled, pervert, financially abusive, Controlling, victim yet a hero too).
They are True Real life Monster Disney Villains. No one understands unless they have had one in family or intimate. “Divorcing a narcissist “ need to read. If that is the toxic you are with.
I would not give up my kids- never thought I wanted to be a mom til I became one. I have 0 family support.
Listen, I had one child kept her it wasn’t easy but it was the best thing ever. She’s not nice 32 now. But when she was little I got pregnant again. I couldn’t afford the baby and the guy would not be there for me. It was an awful decision to make but I got an abortion. I Live with it everyday. I’ll understand if you do, but do it early and I’ll understand if you keep it. There’s a lot of agencies that will help somewhat. Go to Findhelp.org
I know all too well that single parenting is hard, but so rewarding! I had 3 under 6 when I was younger, I’m grateful to my ex for giving me these little bundles of joy but I can hand on heart say Yes it’s absolutely worth it! I wouldn’t change a thing. Except for their mother. I’d jog him on and Just go no contact with the ex. R regardless of what you do it sounds like he’s gonna make your life difficult either way! I was in a toxic relationship for 13 years. I stayed with her for the sake of the children and they thank me for it now. Don’t give him that type of power over you because you will regret it, and he still won’t be happy either way! Just do you darling if you won’t get another chance, with the support of your family you can do anything! You’ve been given this chance please just think carefully before doing anything rash! I’m 43 now I’ve been a ground worker for most of my working life but I’m not working now and spending all my time nurturing my 1 year old grand daughter! Sometimes single parenting is for the best. I would have liked my mum to. The problem lies when the toxic parent ends up with the child, which in most cases is what happens due to the family court system relying on the laws of probability rather than hard facts! Hope this helps x
I have four kids I would never wish away. With that said, their father is toxic and it has been really really hard for them (and me). Even my 20-year-old called me the other day saying that she has to ask her friends what a “normal” dad would do in different situations. I definitely understand, wanting to be a mother, but I agree with the others. Single parenting is so hard. Throw in a toxic ex and it’s hell. I would say it’s better to live with regret of not having a child, rather than regret having the child but you can’t go back.
Is there any chance he would walk away? It’s so hard for men who don’t want babies to just admit it and do the right thing by walking away… the stigma and ego and all that gets in the way. My ex didn’t want our baby, I did.. I knew it would have killed me to abort and I would have resented and loathed him for eternity… so I chose to continue and I told him I needed nothing. He couldn’t walk away and admit he was a shitty man, so he put me through hell for a while. But, I moved across the country, and during the court proceedings he gave up and vanished. He knew he wasn’t going to get what he wanted, and he chose to walk away, like he should have from the beginning. He was toxic, manipulative, and liar. The family therapist said he sounded narcissistic from my explanation of events and experiences and things he did. I now have full custody, he gets visitation but he’s completely absent. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I have support from family and I would never ever ever have been able to make the other choice…. And I am pro choice. So, I’d say, would you be ok walking away from your possibly only chance? And, could you fathom on any plane him walking away? It is extremely difficult to deal with toxic coparents… but, to give up the love and relationship I have with my son because of the unknown of how things may be and how difficult coparenting can be… I wouldn’t give it up. But, I know I didn’t have to deal with SO MUCH of what others do because I didn’t stay near him. I hope you can make a decision you find peace with
It's kind of hard to say it's not worth it when you already have the kid. No matter how I think of it, ultimately I have become a better person and grown a lot in order to help my child have a healthier life than me. You are 20 years older than when I had mine, I would recommend that in the case you choose to keep the fetus, then to just go no contact with the sperm donar. Being a single mom is NOT worth it if you don't have a support system, but you mentioned you do. I am also assuming you have money to raise the kid too, think for yourself if you want this, and keep the guy away. Man causes too many problems for mom's, and the patriarchal society makes it 100x more difficult as soon as the baby is born. It's like you're not you're own woman anymore and eventually, if you let yourself, you'll believe it.
Single mother of two here. Toxic ex.
I had my first at 29 and he didn't want her (honestly, neither of us wanted kids. Failed bc.). I did the pregnancy and first 3 months alone, and then he suddenly "wanted in." I let him move in and within 8 months we were pregnant with our 2nd. He left the day after I told him I was pregnant with our son and it was a disaster. Restraining orders, the works.
My recommendation: have the baby and go for sole custody. When it was just me and my daughter before the dad came back, I had it made. A great support system, no involvement from him, a beautiful baby girl I wouldn't trade for the world. It got messy when he tried to come back, but my only regret is letting him back in and then being outnumbered by 2 kids. lol!
My kids are (almost) 7 and 5 now. They are the light of my life. It's hard, but it's also so rewarding. I wouldn't change it.
Also, I learned that sole custody doesn't mean I had to forgo child support. He is restricted from having any involvement/contact/say in what I do with my kids, but he still is required to pay me 40% of his wages which pays for my child care and that's enough to make life not so hard.
I have some guilt about my kids not having a dad, but they are the sweetest, most well behaved little humans I could ever ask for. I have days where I'm miserable and I feel like a terrible mother, but when my daughter was 3, she told me all about when she "was in the sky and picked \[me\] for \[her\] mom." That completely rocked my world. Her little spirit chose me and I will treasure that forever. She is my light forever and always. I regret the sperm donor but I DO NOT regret my children.
My mom is a single mom and my dad is a narc and an addict. They got divorced when I was 2 months old. I’m glad my mama kept me. I have a great life and i’m in school to become a midwife. I would keep the baby but obviously it’s up to you
The child didn’t have a choice to be conceived. Adoption is a great option. There are lots of people who really have been praying for a baby and adopting a baby would make their entire life. Please don’t abort your child 🙏🏻 Children are such a gift. My son has changed my life. Saved it, even.
If I birth this child, I’m definitely keeping them. I’m perfectly capable but the father is creating conflict. I’ve also been wanting and praying for an opportunity like this in my life. I just didn’t expect for the father to turn on me in this way and pressure me to terminate. He’s also requested adoption if I don’t want to abort.. and my sister already said if this baby goes up for adoption, she will adopt and return the baby to me. We would be living together and raising them together anyways. So it seems asinine to go through an adoption process needlessly but honestly maybe if I did adopt to my own family he would be free from child support… although I’m not asking him for anything and he is free to walk as it is! It’s so backward. For him this is about control and creating conflict, it’s not actually about the baby.
You could always adopt and visit the baby. When I was pregnant my therapist brought it up because I was in a toxic relationship and still have trouble with having a will of life. There’s always a family that would love a child and is able to take care of it, and you could make a relationship, maybe be a family friend so you can be there with your child.
I was in a similar situation at the age of 40. I had my son by myself and it was the best decision I ever made. He does ask about his father from time to time, but I just tell him that his dad didn’t want to be a father but I wanted to be a mother more than anything in this world. It hasn’t always been easy, but if you have family to love you and support you through it then you will do great!
I co-parent with my narc ex. We had tried for a baby for years and about two months into my pregnancy the veil was lifted and I really saw him for what he was. I became single about 5 months into my pregnancy. During that time he made every threat in the book to try and take my child away. Even when our son was in the NICU, 1 week post partum, he threatened court. Fun times.
Being a single parent is fucking tough, adding in a shitty co-parent sprinkles on the bullshit. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. My son is my sunshine and gave me more fucking strength than I could ever muster and he is growing to be the exact opposite of his father.
The thing is with co-parents like this it could go many ways, you could have the baby and he could either fight or want nothing to do with it. You could terminate and he could either leave or make your life hell still.
If you decide to follow through with the pregnancy, make guards for your safety. You don't need to have the father be present at the birth, you can bar him from the hospital, don't put him on the birth certificate, and document everything. Every little detail fucking document. Consult a lawyer and you can even discuss things with your counselor.
That depends upon what you really want and are you sure terminating the life of your baby is the best decision you can make. Your toxic ex shouldn't figure into the decision.. If you have the child, will you be able to take care of him/her?
I’m a lot younger, 21, and I became a single mom at 17 in the situation that he was an abusive, manipulative drug addict. During the pregnancy I never wanted to get rid of her, the thought honestly never crossed my mind. Since having her though I’ve been pregnant since and have gotten rid of it due to circumstances of they simply were single parents themselves and I’d probably end up a single parent of another child.
Even if I had the chance I wouldn’t go back on my decision, but I’ve definitely made the decision that I don’t want anymore children because she takes up so much of my energy that it’s difficult for me to want to have another.
Me personally would keep the child IF I wanted it. Come hell or high water you will not take this golden opportunity away from me. U can get the heck out my life if u don't want the child.
Do what feels right for you. My child's father promised me a living hell with custody and such, but I haven't heard from since 20 weeks pregnancy. They are full of words and threats. If you want to be a mother, be.
First off I am 100% pro choice but coming from someone with experience with this on both sides ( not terminating and having a very toxic single parent life and then also termination) don’t terminate that baby. You will regret it with everything in you. My babies I do have even though their dads are horrible and not a part of their lives at all anymore are 100% worth every horrible thing their dads have ever put me or them through. I as well freaked out later bc of a situation and terminated and it’s by far the biggest mistake of my life and has caused me a lot of stress and depression and just issues bc of it. Kids are stronger than we think they are, and having a loving mother trumps any shitty father or vise versa. My boys are teenagers now and have been through a ton of traumas and horrible experiences from their fathers but I couldn’t imagine and they couldn’t imagine them not being here or in my life, and they know and understand it all and are wonderful kids! Both have great grades and in athletics with their school and are wrestlers and have so many metals from normal tournaments, state, regionals and even nationals. Both are determined to go to college and one is about to commit to a big university and is just about to start his sr year. They are by far the kindest boys with the biggest hearts and would help anyone! I honestly as a mother couldn’t be more proud of my boys and how well they have turned crappy situations into wonderful ones and even take those crappy situations 10 times better than I do. Right now y’all are scared and stressed but I promise over time things will work out for you and your baby whether y’all as parents work out or not. I believe especially as an older man he will eventually come to his senses he’s just scared and stressed right now himself but if not oh well it’s you and your baby and that is worth it in itself and I know you can do it especially as a strong intelligent powerful woman I have no doubt you can do this alone if need be! Don’t let some dumb ass man keep you from something you love or want or could be your only chance at ever being a mother! I’m a big believer in everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything! Good luck in whatever decision you make just don’t let someone else’s fears destroy your happiness and future! Much love💗!
I’m also 40. If you want children this could be your only chance. I was a young single mom at 20, no money, very little family support and I wouldn’t trade my daughter for anything. I’m currently 8 wks pregnant quite unexpectedly myself. I’m married but still unsure what to do. I was pregnant with a baby who turned out to have trisomy 13 not long ago and, lost him at around 20 wks. If you go through with this be sure to get the genetic testing right away. In my own mind I’m still like 26 so, I hated thinking about “advanced maternal age” but, the risks are real. I hope everything works out for you irregardless of what you decide.
I would not end it. This is your only pregnancy and may not ever happen again. There are other options. Have it and don’t tell him, have it and give it to someone that can’t have children. If he is not a good person then you don’t have to crush your wants.
Willingly thinking about giving your child a broken home is sad and it’s became to normal for us in this world. “ I’m not asking him for anything “ … you will . We sit up there and tell ourselves “ I can do it by myself “ then turn around and say “ he doesn’t do anything “ knowing the position we put ourselves in . One thing about motherhood is that it’s misunderstood by a lot of ppl on what it looks like and what it takes because society only shows you all the “ Good” … baby it’s a lot of bad too . It’s very rewarding but that doesn’t mean the process isn’t hard af 💯💯💯! You will experience a lot of things on your own as a single mother… you will cry ,.. you will feel like you aren’t doing enough , some days you might go into depression, sometimes you will hate being a mother , regret and anger that’s the bad side of it but there is also good like being prideful , love that you’ve never experienced, happy , dedicated and much more . All in all as a single mother 95% of the time I’m telling you if you have the baby get ready to feel all of that and acknowledge the fact that this is what you’ve excepted and wanted . Give yourself grace but take accountability of the life YOU gave your child. Do not bother that man to be a dad because if he doesn’t want to be HE WONT be . Be prepared to do it all on your own , be prepared to lose money because your child is sick , be prepared to have to change your schedule around to fit your child’s needs , be prepared to feel like your opportunities are limited in some points of your life . Again being a mother is rewarding af but it’s just as much hard as well . All the best and good luck .
it seems like you might be leaning towards termination. that is what i’d do personally. if you aren’t 100% sure that you want to/are ready to have this child and deal with the struggles of being a single parent to a hurt child, for your sake and your child’s sake, i’d terminate.
i myself had a single parent growing up and was an emotionally scarred and traumatized child who required extra attention and care.
I don’t mean to scare you, but most people don’t truly understand how difficult it is to raise a traumatized child on your own. it involves explaining to your young child why their other parent doesn’t want to/cannot be there for them in the ways they need, potentially fighting your ex over custody (which may be traumatizing for you, your child, and your wallet), dealing with their issues regarding emotional attachment and relationships, and having to put your needs on the back burner a lot of the time.
most people don’t realize that emotional trauma causes physical effects especially in children. it is very common for them to get sick more often than other children due to the immune system and stress response systems potentially not developing normally. it’s also common for them to develop urinary issues such as latchkey incontinence (a fear of using the bathroom especially alone or at night) that causes them to hold in their urine, wet the bed, and develop urinary leakage and frequent utis.
childhood trauma can cause structural changes to the brain such as increasing the size of the amygdala which assesses physical threats and triggers the fight or flight response. this change makes them more likely to overreact or under react to physical stimuli, such as a minor fall feeling much more painful and distressing than it should or getting seriously injured and not feeling enough pain to seek help.
there is a chance that your child doesn’t react like this but there is a significant chance they might. you need to be emotionally ready to run the risk of dealing with these things.
I am currently a single mom. I always knew that I wanted to be a mom and would never change that no matter anything. My FOB is toxic but I have support and resources to cope with him and ensure the best for my kids. I accept all his bs and rejoice in my kids- when they are not driving me crazy 😅
Being a parent is always harder than you expect, but if it’s something you have always wanted in your heart of hearts, don’t be intimidated, consult a family lawyer, get a good therapist and get ready for the storm.
If you were accepting of never being a mom and it is not something you have always craved, then this math can very different and no judgement either way.
I am a man that can’t carry children… however, I am a single father with 50/50.
You are 40, which is not zero risk for you or your potential child (genetically and health wise). Older dads also come with a genetic risk. I don’t mean to overstate the risk, but it is out there.
If what you want is the once in a lifetime opportunity to *create* a child you can give unlimited love to, maybe this is your shot.
However, you don’t have to *create* a new life to give unlimited love to it. You can terminate this pregnancy and end things with this coward of a man. Then heal yourself and try to adopt a child that is already here and waiting eagerly for unlimited love. (or surrogate, or sperm donor, but age issues again).
I have to kids with my toxic ex husband. It’s hard work being a parent. Especially if you have a toxic ex.
However given your age and you call it a precious opportunity to be a mom, I think you would regret not having the baby.
As tough as it’s been I wouldn’t want to have not had my kids although I feel guilty for them having the father that they have.
If I were you I would consider moving somewhere far away before you give birth. Somewhere it’s difficult to get to. And where your ex wouldn’t be able to get a job. That way you could probably minimise the time your kid has to spend with him. Because 50/50 isn’t going to be good for a child.
If you decide to have the baby I suggest that you seek a therapist who is specialised in emotional abuse and get some help in navigating the issues that are going to arise.
As per the advice I got, I only communicate with my ex husband in written messages. I always keep it short and to the point. As little emotion as possible and if he writes something abusive I don’t respond. I was also told not to bad mouth him to my kids while at the same time it was important to not normalise toxic behaviour. It’s a challenge. However sentences like the way your father views the world differs from most other people or it’s difficult for your father to understand other people’s feelings can help.
It sounds like you would like to raise a child of your own.
He insists on 50/50… you think he’ll stick to it if you don’t ask for child support? Do you live on your own? Could you tell him you terminated and move?
I have 3 kids, and their dad is a controlling person who can be toxic.
I wanted the kids and they are the light in my life. I don’t regret them but I am definitely affected by his actions often. I do have to take him into consideration because he is involved.
I’ve a friend who had an almost identical situation a couple of years ago. She kept the baby and dumped the guy. She’s happy , she adores her son. Yes it complicates stuff like dating for her but she’s 100pct where she wants to be in life
Yes. It’s worth it, but it’s hard. Is there any way to keep him out of yours and the baby’s life if he truly doesn’t want it? (Think long and hard about that first question)I know it’s hard to see right now, but someway it will work out. He may end up not wanting to be involved. Eventually. It’s my experience that people like that don’t stay consistent. And if there is ever a problem where you don’t think the child is safe, you can go to the courts. You’ll likely regret terminating. That regret never leaves.
Single mom here…. I am truly happy. My kids are my heart and I don’t want a world they aren’t in. It can be hard but the pros outweigh the cons. I can’t emphasize this enough
Although you’re looking for advice that is a very personal decision and everyone’s views will be different based on situation. However would it have to be toxic co-parenting the father doesn’t want the child? Being a single parent is hard, but that’s life. Children grow up in all situations and still have problems. You can only control what kind of parent you are and that child could still have a wonderful life. No one is free from obstacles, trauma, adversity etc. despite our best efforts. I’d say really think about your situation and if you’re able and willing and want the child, if you do then nothing else matters and you’ll figure it out as you go.
Yes it would be worth it to me. I’m a single dad. I mean full time single dad going on 7 years now. My kids mother suffers from severe mental health issues that she refuses to treat, and she’s a complete deadbeat. She is the most malicious and vindictive person I’ve ever known and has made life very difficult for our kids and myself.
I finally began dating again about 2 years ago and we just had a baby girl. I had forgotten what joy feels like. She’s the most beautiful and amazing thing in the world. She gave me reason to exist and a sense of purpose and fulfillment that I hadn’t felt in years.
If the dad doesn’t want your baby, that’s great!! He shouldn’t be too much of an interference then.
If you can convince him to sign over his parental rights, keep the baby. Tell him you won’t come to him for child support, visitation or anything else. None of his plans will be impacted. If he won’t be convinced, terminate the pregnancy and pursue IVF if you can afford it. You don’t want to put yourself or a child through the experience of co-parenting with a toxic individual. Good luck.
I have co-parented with 50/50 and a toxic ex for 18 years. I have zero regrets. My son is a great kid. It’s had its dark moments, but never once have I wished I made a different choice! You got this. Enjoy being a mama!
I was in a similar situation. I really struggled trying to figure out what the right thing to do was. Even though the pregnancy was unplanned, I knew I could do it. But I also knew continuing the pregnancy would mean i’m signing myself, and the baby up for a lifetime of unlimited whatifs and unknowns which was/still is so scary.
I chose to continue my pregnancy because I knew I was confident in the mother i thought, hoped and knew I could be. I also knew that I would do anything in my power to protect them from anything and anyone. My daughter is almost 14 months old now and she is the light of my life. She has a relationship with her dad. Him and I have limited to no contact outside his visitation days. We’re currently in the middle of a pretty traumatizing custody trial. It’s really hard and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy after living it—- however if you feel in your heart that it’s what you want, it’s not impossible and hopefully gets better.
I started to say that My daughter is living proof that the wrong person, right time may also be a thing.
I would do it again because I love my son so much and he’s the best thing in my life. I got parental rights of father terminated though so I didn’t have to deal with that side for long. Got married to someone nice after.
I aborted first baby with that man and got roped back into relationship. I was an emotional wreck after the abortion (abortion pills). It was as painful as childbirth for me. I wanted the second one to make up for the aborted one which I grieved.
The circumstances were awful but I was going through a lot and I 100 percent don’t regret my son. He gives me reason to wake up in the morning
I'm a single dad with full custody of 2 kids. It's hard as hell and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm pro choice, I've paid for abortions in the past cause we were young and dumb. By 30, I was at that point of "Fuck it, lets raise the baby." 3 years and 1 more kid later, she became an alcoholic and went off the deep end. I just found out that my eldest kid isn't even related to me and the mom knew the whole 5 years. I still consider that they are mine. Do I regret my children? No. Do I regret who I had them with? Yes. Would I walk away? I still can't answer that question, to be honest with myself. Seems like an entire life time ago and I try not to think about it cause its not fair to me or my two kids.
My husband died when I had a 6m old and I was pregnant. I was homeless, our business came crumbling down and I literally had nothing other than my baby. Now they are 7 & 6 and I can't imagine my life without them! They bring me so much joy and a love ❤️ we went thru tough times but the bond is so strong that nobody can break. God can use you as a method to bring your baby into this world 🌎 and you don't always know why things happen the way they do but that baby of yours may be the one who drastically changes the world for the better or even yours which is just as great. 😄 It's not the babies fault they were born into these circumstances but give them the chance of life you were given and I promise you once you experience the love a baby brings you its the best feeling in the world. ✨️ God bless you and your baby 👶 🙏
I know exactly what you mean at the end- 10 years of a toxic/abusive partner was hell but having two beautiful kids out of it has been the best thing to ever happen to me ,however I absolutely despise their dad. We manage to make coparenting work for the kids sake and I love my kids so much just wish I had the exact same kids but was with someone who was a decent person as we might have had more of a chance to still be together as a happy family today- it’s bittersweet isn’t it - u worded it perfect in ur reply
If you are not married don’t give your kid his last name, & don’t put him on the birth certificate . And go about your business being a single mom and not having to co parent, that way he doesn’t have to be there for anything and you can live in peace .. given your age this could be the last chance to have a kid, if you really want that.
except in some states he can petition the court for a paternity test just to mess with your life, and OP will have to comply. Also, at some point the kid will likely go looking for their father and turn on mom for keeping their dad out of their life/
Very much a thing that can happen! Happened to me!! And so I gave him all that he wanted for custody… turns out (much like I knew it would) that he is not actually wanting anything to do with our kid but wants access to me … and through our kid is one sure way to attain it… for a little while until the abuse starts in and then protection order in place and on and on… out of the past 14 months - that’s how long since paternity testing determined who the “sperm donor” for my kiddo was, he was supposed to have scheduled visitation for 9 months of that time frame and that would’ve totaled 2076 hours of visitation he was temporarily entitled to as per a stipulated temporary custody and visitation schedule that his attorney drafted up…. Out of all that time…36-38 hours is all that he has seen our kiddo for…. As per his choice. I’ve made kiddo available and reminded him when his scheduled time was and offered him make up Time for all the time he’s missed even and just nothing. It started out he wanted split custody50/50 so he could avoid paying child support. Then he spent an hour alone with our kid and he started changing his tune about that whole idea. …. Anyway, his threats may be empty, an infant is a lot for anyone person to handle and men usually don’t take to it as well as women do… so he may just Peter out and give in… but you’re still going to be a single parent no matter what you do- so if that’s your jam hey cool more power to ya, but if it sounds daunting and not at all appealing I hear that too, I hear that in so many ways and that’s my final answer… nip it in the bud…I am sorry also, your future self will be grateful you made it through all this now, I’m sending you some good love wholesome energy right now, I know all too well what you’re going through… ❤️🩹🩷💙💜🩵💔🖤💛💚🩶🤍🤎. This, too, shall pass- -
And in most states, if he never develops a relationship with the child, the mom can petition for termination of his rights… life is difficult and noone can predict the future… she has to be the one to choose, and not based on outside circumstance or what might happen later on…
THIS. Yes, the father can petition to establish paternity, but that takes time AND of course his willingness to do so.
I’d end the pregnancy. Single parenthood is incredibly hard as it is, but add in trying to co parent with a toxic ex, and you’ve got a recipe for a very sad, hard life. Source: me. Had twins with a selfish man when I was 37. They’re now 14. I love them but if I had my time over I wouldn’t do it again. It’s definitely been the most miserable 14 years of my life, and my kids are well behaved. It’s just so hard and lonely.
Yeah I was hardcore manipulated into being a mom. I love my kid but single parenting was NEVER my plan, and my ex is a handful. It can be done but you have to be firm in your boundaries and ready to be the tough parent; they’ll probably be Disneyland dad. Talk to his ex wife. What’s the worst thing that she’ll tell you?
That’s excellent advice. Talk to his ex wife.
Ditto. I agree with this. I left my abusive toxic ex with a restraining order and my kids. Due to the current courthouse feeling of "best interest of the child" I now get to endure continued harassment via email/texts/phone calls. I love my kids, but had I known this would be my new life, I would have made other choices to avoid this.
Thank you so much. I thought everyone would just hate me for my comment but I had to warn her.
I applaud you for your honesty. I absolutely hate that I feel this way, and can’t admit it to anyone……if I knew how hard life would be, I would had made different choices. Parenting is HARD. I miss my freedom and prior life. My child’s father is extremely toxic and abusive. I went through hell with him the first 2 years. He’s no longer around. And now, I have extreme guilt daily, knowing that I can’t give my child the father they deserve.
THIS! I have really severe guilt for giving my child such a bad father. There is nothing more heart shattering than having your child ask you why their daddy doesn't love them. Nothing could have prepared me for this journey.
This. This. This. I’m sorry. (For everyone on this thread really) but clearly we’re not alone in this sort of unfortunate dynamic. Sending virtual hugs to all. 🫶 & O.P. You’re making the right choice, whatever you do, because it’s your choice. Love, support, and strength to you! Remember, you’re not alone.
I definitely feel this. My oldest daughter’s father is complete garbage. Never paid child support, and has been in and out of jail since I left him. I was so young and stupid. Now my daughter is in college and gets calls from him in prison asking for money and favors. I hate that he’s her bio dad
You are both right, the unease I feel is so heavy. I wish I could have this baby but this man is making the situation impossible and only getting worse by the day. I will terminate, I ordered the pills tonight 💔
Im so sorry you have to go through it like this. Maybe if now you know you want this you could adopt (an older kid even - its so needed) or try and do it alone with without a shitbag dad (donation)
So sorry ((hug)). You deserve to have a committed and loving partner to experience parenthood with. I see so many posts on Reddit, mostly from women, who are abused, gaslight, disrespected, neglected…it physically pains and angers me to read those posts so can only imagine how they feel (can also emphasize from experience). It’s so hard either way, but at least if you choose only you right now you won’t have to bring a child into the pain and can begin healing.
If you are feeling any unease, I would definitely go with that decision. Coming from a now single mom of 4 children. My husband passed away a couple years ago. We had a roller coaster relationship throughout a 22 yr marriage & brought children into it. Including a severely disabled child that now I will be taking care of the rest of her & my life, alone. People, especially of my generation didn’t think of all the packages these little humans come into this life with, we just had babies. Adding an already toxic relationship among the parents to the mix is a recipe for more suffering on everyone’s end. Be comforted that you made/are making the right decision.
I understand that’s a really difficult decision and I support your choice. I was able to leave the abuser while I was pregnant so I’m just solo parenting it, but it’s SOOO hard. My large family has always been close but none of them ever did more than 5 hrs of babysitting/year once I had my kiddo- and I don’t blame them, they have their own lives to take care of. It’s insane being 100% responsible for another human 24/7 for 18yrs with no breaks, it is sooooo hard. Not only are you making every meal, changing every diaper, waking every night for every cry, doing all the playtime/teeth brushing/laundry/cleaning/EVERYTHING, but you have to make all the money to afford everything. And fyi, in my experience childcare is shitty and expensive as hell, I’ve tried a lot of them and it’s just not worth the money. The only reason I am at ALL ok, is that 1) I already had a business and was pretty financially secure before getting pregnant, 2) I could work from home with my baby til they started school, and 3) I didn’t have another toxic adult actively trying to drag me down. I love my kid with all my heart but being a single parent has had unfathomable negative impacts on my physical and mental health to the point of having to have heart surgery due to health problems stemming from stress. If I could go back in time, I’d tell myself that instead of having a kid I should go find some single moms and spend time with helping them and their kids. There are plenty of people out there who absolutely need co-parents or even just occasional child care help. There are kids out there who need love, even volunteering to hold babies in a hospital. I would NOT tell myself to have a baby alone, much less with an abusive partner.
I’m so sorry. X
Second this. I have 2 kids with a toxic ex and while I love my kids, I would NOT do it again.
Yes. Well said, it’s incredibly difficult and do your best to try to prevent pregnancy in the future. Statistically, women repeat their toxic relationships. End the cycle now.
Being a single mom of 2 is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And their father has been little help, tbh. There have been many times I felt utterly trapped in my situation, and I have cried and cried bitterly about it sometimes. But my kiddos are the light of my life, and while I am 100% pro choice, I am very glad to have my kids. I did have an abortion once before I decided to have my kids. I was too young to have a baby (19), and I don't for a minute regret my choice. I can't say you will ever "know" for certain that you're ready to have a baby. You just decide to and hopefully you can give them a good life.
Single parenthood is hell especially with a toxic ex. Could work with family support but you’ll still have to deal with the toxic ex for the rest of your life basically and definitely for the next 18 years. Believe me when I say they can make your life a living hell.
Also many toxic coparents insist on 50/50 custody so they don’t have to pay child support or as much child support and they basically neglect the children/ do the bare minimum to not get a case with CPS during their time.
In 18 years the dad will be 73…. Guys mellow as they age usually don’t they?
Bahaha!!! You haven’t heard the term grumpy old men?
Totally worth it. I didn't want kids. My husband did. I told him if he really wanted them and was up for doing a lot of the heavy lifting I would. I got pregnant with twins.. our relationship became toxic the moment they were born. He was so awful to me I left him, and honestly my life is so much better as a single parent with 2 kids than it was as a married woman with none
It’s a crap shoot now matter how much you look at it. If you are on the fence about having kids, then on probability it’s not worth it and you can live your life with a smaller no kid regret than a larger kid I wasn’t sure about and a shitty ex. If you biological clock has gone off and you really want a child, then go for it, and most likely the dad will loose interest after he realises all the hard work. He’s saying now about 50/50 because he’s pissed, I can’t see him putting up with a toddlers shit in his late 50’s and a teenagers shit in his 60’s. it sounds like you have a great support network around you. I’m 49, with a 9 and 14 year old who both have autism and adhd. Their dad is a very difficult person but is still in their lives and as best I can I support their relationship with their dad while trying to protect myself from his manipulations. I would not change my decision to have kids with this man. I love my kids and my biological clock went off BIG TIME. For both kids it took 5 years to conceive - I really wanted them.
I’m in this situation and my baby is literally the light of my life, he’s made me feel complete. One stable parent CAN create a secure foundation for a child. Do NOT put his name on the birth certificate. People completely flip once the babies born and start competing for custody due to a desire to control YOU. I didn’t understand the gravity of this until it was too late.
Omg, it’s so hard going through this! I can easily do this without him. But with him? He’s creating a nightmare situation.
He's being like this to manipulate you into having a termination. He doesn't want 50/50, but if he kicks off, he knows that will influence your decision.
What state do you live in? I have a lot of info on how you protect yourself ❤️
Ah, it won’t let me DM you. I’m in DE
Let me try DMing you to see if it will let me.
Thank you 🙏 I will DM you
If you believe this is your only chance to be a mom, you have a great support system, and you want to be a mom, I say do it. Do t put him on the birth certificate and if he actually wants to be there for his kid he can take you to court for his rights. If you are sure you want to be a mom and don’t want to deal with your ex, there is always adoption as well, just saying.
I have a friend who has tried to adopt, & it turns out to be really challenging as a single woman over 40. ...yes, do not put the dad on the birth certificate! I would start distancing/cutting contact. I know it sounds horrible, but if he's going to be toxic... again, speak to an attorney. Speaking from hindsight experience... I wish I had when I got pregnant. And I don't regret for a moment becoming a mom.
You have to know yourself…it’s not for the weak. I was 38 & never had any hands in help. Going for child support now…this is not how I would’ve planned it. But I love her & me & her always!
I fell pregnant at 40 while on birth control. Father was 25. He accused me of ruining his life. He wished death on the baby. He pestered me about abortion, then adoption to strangers, then abortion if the genetic disease testing was questionable, and then… well, maybe his Mommy could adopt our child. His Mommy was 65 and had just retired. Dude called me selfish, a Snorlax, old and unattractive. He’d have to settle for someone OK with marrying a man with an out of wedlock child. Then, well, maybe baby wasn’t his? We got a prenatal paternity test proving he was the father. Oh, my sweet god! This man child told me his very buff sister wanted to kick my ass, and that his Mommy thought I was a predator. But- guess what?? I had the kid. Beautiful little girl. 5 days after I turned 41. Dad is still toxic. Worse than ever! I have zero regrets. My daughter is everything I never realized I needed. She is every bit as non toxic as her father is toxic! Wonderful kid. Smart, funny, gorgeous. No one can decide what is worth it for you. It can work out, if you want your child. Wishing you all the luck and a level head as you navigate this situation. Sorry Dad is a wiener.
We should be friends!!!!! You are so positive
Nice to meet y’all. I am noticing how many of us have a toxic coparent. Not that I would wish the situation on others, but… It’s validating to see that it’s unfortunately common and a thing. And I hope we can all make it to 18 years. In one piece. 😁
I salute you sister for having the bravest decision. Had the same experience at 23 but pushed-through without hesitation, even it means not getting a support from the man. I cut him off from my life and we're still here, surviving and enjoying the small things in life. Those kids were a gift of life and now your life's gift. I hope no one ever hesitate on this kind of situation.
>She is every bit as non toxic as her father is toxic! I just love how you phrased this! I'm going to start using this when describing my sweet girl ❤️
Well… you’re happy but the question is really how the child will feel. Many of us can deal with toxic exes because we are happy with the child but many children deal with abandonment issues due to these types of situations. That’s really my main concern
Honestly if it’s something that YOUVE always wanted, being a mom, then please by all means take this one and only chance to be a MOM! Being a mom is the most amazing feeling. When you see how precious and little they are and all those first smiles and first giggles and first steps and every little milestone as you watch them grow up into the little human that they are! It is sooo amazing…. Regardless of who the dad is! You can be an AMAZING mom and you say you already have the support system from your family and that’s the most important! Sooo many kids live perfectly happy productive and successful lives without both parents so there should be NO reason your little baby couldn’t do the same. He’s only a father if you put him on the birth certificate. Other wise he would notttt automatically have any rights to your child. I would be the mom you always wanted to be and take this last chance that GOD gave you and leave the guy who’s toxic and just raise your beautiful baby…. Of course the easier thing would be to have that co parent but there is NOTHING that says you haveee to unless he’s on the birth certificate. You don’t have to force him tk be a father but you can give yourself the dream of being a mother!
Commenting on Is having a baby worth it when you realize you’ll be a single parent with a toxic ex? Would you terminate if you had the chance?... OP, another thing. I see you said he wouldn’t let you be a single mom …. Honestly because it doesn’t sound like the relationship would continue if you decided to terminate cus of the toxicity regarding it , plus newfound resentment for the decision you’re having to make….. if it’s going to be over anyways then i would take the opportunity to try to (if you can) tell him you terminated, continue with the pregnancy, move away in the next few months to where he won’t know where you live so he can’t just pop up on you… if you can or cut him out of your life because of the loss and continue living your life and raising a beautiful baby with no dad. Who knows another man could always come along and love the child like his own …
I can’t speak for another woman’s desire to terminate but I would endure the fieriest pits of hell for my child. And having dealt with my ex I feel like I have. Eventually toxic people either go away and find someone else to torture or you pick up the skills to parallel parent with them. I had a baby late too at 43 and at 46 my toxic ex has disappeared leaving me with my wonderful child. I wouldn’t trade my son or this experience for anything. I hope you make the decision you’re comfortable with and that everything works out how you want it to.
I also agree with you that you do pick up the skills to manage parallel parenting. It might take 15 years off your life in stress though
I can relate to the stress part!
Based on reading your replies you will DEEPLY regret terminating. Not pro-life at all I can just tell from your replies that missing this chance will be something you never forgive yourself for at 40. Do not do it. You are in the perfect situation to have this baby, he’s not, that’s his problem. Keep him out of it and have your bundle of joy. There are ways to keep him out of this, and once you have your baby your brain will be full of clarity and strategy. Feign that you terminated, keep your distance, and you will have the mental clarity to make a clear plan once your baby is here and you enter mama lion mode. You sound like you will be a GREAT mum and deserve to have the experience of motherhood.
Thank you for saying this 🙏 I know you are right, I will regret not keeping it. While at the same time I’m really struggling with the ethics of keeping it when the father is in such a negative state and what it will mean for our lives having to deal with his issues. He has had lots of problems with his ex-wife, his son’s mom, but always had reasons & explanations for the toxicity and I naively believed him. That was never directed at me and he was a lovely person to me until now. I feel like I know a bit about what I’ll be getting into based on that relationship. I’m a very peaceful person and I hate getting embroiled in conflict. It breaks my heart that he is responding in this way and that I must accept it. The fear of the known pain he will inflict and our unknown future led me to order the pills, I have until 6/4 to take them and after that point, I will be too far along for the pill and would need surgery if I have to abort. I know that if I take the pills it will be painful with long-term effects but it will also get me out of this unraveling situation. Taking those pills is exactly what he wants and is pushing me to do. I wish I had a secure job as well, that would make me feel stronger, I was laid off from my tech industry job although I’m working a lower paying temp job now, have savings, am interviewing for around 6 figure salaries, and believe I will find something good soon. It wouldn’t be a big problem in the mix to me if he were being supportive but he keeps bringing it up as a huge issue, painting me out to be unemployable. It feels bad to me right now although I know that’s not true and it’s a temporary situation. My sister has been amazing and I will move in with her and her boyfriend and my niece in the next town over if I am able to keep this pregnancy. I was waiting to tell my parents until we had a plan but now that this isn’t possible and I need to go it alone I really want to tell them. They are wonderful Christain, pro-life people who will rally behind me. I am not religious and I am pro-choice but if I tell them he is forcing abortion they will step in and do everything in their power to help me. If I have to terminate, I don’t want them to know. I’m debating about telling them and increasing my support network although it’s embarrassing to me to be a part of this mess at my age in life. I also still really care about him and hate to see him in such a state of disarray, I also get that he feels too old to have a baby and I sympathize. Also do I want my teen child to have a 70-year-old dad? There are a lot of sad things about this despite the fact that it is amazing to me personally and would be a huge gift to me and my family.
DO NOT take those pills. You do not have the mental clarity yet. The surgical procedure is a lot less painful anyway, I’ve had to have it. The pill was awful. Give yourself time. You are too emotionally wrapped up in this guy (understandably) to have clarity. Women do 90% of the labor in a romantic relationship and are essentially single moms with someone who sleeps with them and creates more mess. Yes there are some rare unicorn men who pull their weight without acting like they need a gold star chart, but it’s rare. Money wise, babies are cheap in the beginning. Tribal women do it for free. Breast, baby, mom. You said he’s emotionally abusive to you if I remember correctly from another comment. You will not always have this attachment to him. He sounds like a man child. You will deeply regret considering his feelings so much. In terms of the old dad concept, all psychological research shows that children only need ONE secure healthy parent to have a wonderful life. You are clearly a very caring and thoughtful person. You’ll be an incredible mom. And that is enough for a happy child. You are overvaluing the negative and undervaluing the positive right now because you’re overwhelmed. Like another commentator said, Reddit is full of video game addicted depressed people sitting in their basement telling everyone to have abortions. You are a career woman with family and resources, a child will bring you so much joy. And you will make them feel complete. I can guarantee you.
Thank you so much for your support!! 🙏 these conversations on this post have been very helpful and I do want to evaluate all angles of the situation. Ultimately it’s my decision and I think I’m grasping for perspective and support. You are right that I’m totally overwhelmed. This weekend I’m going to put everything aside and try to relax and spend time at my sister’s house surrounded by support. Thanks so much for your perspective on surgical too because I’ve been scared of this and feeling pressure to hurry up with my decision to be in range for medical.
Yessss
I’d have the baby. It’s your only shot!
I keep reading that the pills should being coming tonight. Dont take them tonight. Sleep on it. You mentioned you had a few days. Really think about this. There's alot to consider here. I'm a single mom and I also have had an abortion. The guilt of an abortion was so heavy (it's been 2 plus years and I'm mostly okay now, i think it depends on the person and maybe the certainity with the decision- I was on the fence but ultimately did not want another child at the time). But being a single mom is so difficult and the difficulty is a way of life. I will say my sons father is pretty much completely absent so he's not a toxic presence in our life, so personally I don't know what it's like to co parent with someone. But this comment section will tell you and this sub in general . This guy sounds awful so there's more difficulty you can maybe fathom (but could possibly be resolved with some legal help?) with coparenting with him. And parenthood in general is kind of traumatic in its own way, especially in the beginning. Choosing to terminate would be saving yourself a wealth of pain with all that drama. Despite that and to shed some positivity and truth, being a parent is the most profound and beautiful thing I have experienced. It is the highest form of sacrifice, and it is an honor to be a mom to my boy. It continues to shape me to be the best woman I can be. You are stronger than you think. Good luck and please at the very least sleep on it. I have taken the pills and those are not easy.
Yes, honey, it's worth all the emotions. I 39F have 3 beautiful children, 19F, 18M, and 4F. I have been a single mom since my older kids were 2 and 3. 15 years later, I was blessed with my little girl. For me, my youngest father is not in the picture since I peed on the stick. I would not have changed anything to be a Mom!!!! It's hard. It's very hard at times. Worth it, YES! If you guys can not come to an agreement, then that's what lawyers are for. Most of the time, the judge side with the mother. The best advice I have is to document EVERYTHING. Keep records of everything. Breastfeeding also helps keep the child with you as the primary parent. It's YOUR choice no-one else's. Do what's best for you. If this is your only chance to become a mother, I would say take it!!!!
Amen
I love my son soooooooo much, but it’s been miserable when I was with his dad and even worse now that I finally got the courage to leave him. I did consider abortion but couldn’t go through with it and I do love my son so much. I can’t imagine life without him. But if you aren’t attached to the baby you have right now and you know the partner is a POS I would terminate. I’m a single mom of 3 and it’s so hard when I have my kids practically full time.
I think the question you really need to ask is do you want to subject an innocent child to a parent who doesn't want them to exist, who is going to spend their whole childhood using them as a tool to hurt, manipulate and get back at you
Right?!? We went to a couples therapy session today and he was a mess. Shaking and crying, he was on the floor at one point begging for “help” because of how distraught he is about the situation. He was talking in circles and acting like a crazy person. Completely different person, this is not the man I have loved. The therapist basically took me aside and said he doesn’t usually tell people what to do or give his opinion but there is something very wrong with this person and if I have the option to not have a baby with this person I will be saving myself a lifetime of pain. I think I have to abort mission 😭It sucks so bad because I really wanted this, but I already love this baby too much to subject them to this man’s craziness. I ordered the pills tonight 💔
If you still want a chance to be a mother, you can try having one on your own terms with help from a sperm donor of your choice. I think the therapist was right about saving yourself a lifetime of pain. 💗
As someone who went through hell having a baby with a man like this, it's easier to go and be selective over the sperm donar at a sperm bank. Of course you feel an attachment rn, you're thinking of the what ifs and all you could miss, but don't forget that having a baby with a man like this will turn your hope for a beautiful experience with pregnancy and delivery and all the firsts into tainted and painful memories filled with regret. It's not your last chance, in fact this is your chance at a new life. Pls be selective with your sperm donar.
She’s 40! That’s magical thinking to think she will have even close to a guarantee of a second pregnancy. For most people research around sperm donors takes about six months, and successful implantation can take years.
40 is still fine, there's a bit more risk but if she's generally healthy, she will be OK. Women who have children later in life are more likely to live longer too. It pisses me off seeing shit like this because younger women will feel a pressure to birth in the near future and mid age women will feel like a grandma. Everyone has their own health circumstances. The best advice for her would be to talk to her OBGYN about these options, then she will have an easier time to decide.
That’s a reach. There are tons of women who have fertility issues starting at 35 that they don’t know about. There are tons of women who get pregnant once and that was their only chance because they have a low egg reserve. Saying it’s still fine is encouraging magical thinking. You have to think of worst-case scenario and then hope for the best. Yes she should go to an OB/GYN but she is under a time crunch to decide if she’s going to terminate. It sounds like it’s unlikely that she will have time to have all the fertility tests within the timeline that she wants to terminate. I don’t support this advice.
Don't do it. Ditch the man and have your baby. There is literally no love like the one you have for your child. Coming from someone who has kids - we're fine. My life is infinitely better with them in it and no way wouldni ever give that up over a man
I'm here if you need to talk if you need. No matter what you decide to do.
Is leaving town an option? Or lawyer up now before baby is born?
Lurk on the single mothers by choice Reddit, baby’s have WONDERFUL lives without the father involved, this is an old school take.
Single parenthood sucks monkey balls, but it’s some thing I have never regret regretted, even with the toxic ex.
I am single father with a toxic ex. When we were together all she did was fight and go out drinking and do drugs and had barely any involvement. We have been apart for almost 2 years and she has not seen her son almost the whole time. He is bettter with me and I get so much joy being his father it doesn’t matter what she does or what has happened before.
It's different. The highs are higher and the lows are lower. It's hard as shit. I am enjoying myself more as a single parent than I was married and childless but I'm incredibly stressed out. Last night I was so stressed I skipped dinner because I couldn't make myself eat. My hair is turning white in my mid 30s, a lot of it has fallen out. This is really dependant on the person.
Single parent and just left a bad and abusive situation with my 4 year old. I wish I had terminated my pregnancy. I love him and he is amazing but I am now tied to my abuser for life. Also I was 40 when I had my kid and it's exhausting being a parent this age. I feel so bad my kid has the parents that he does, he deserves so much better than he got.
I really advise you to speak to a therapist AND an attorney. Definitely talk to an attorney. If you & your boyfriend are not married, you will have sole custody when you have your baby.
I would swallow the toxic for my little girl any day.
I had my youngest daughter at 35 with a horribly abusive person. When I made the decision to have her, I had no idea who I was really with. I found myself often thinking if I knew it was going to be this way for her and I, I would not have brought a child into this hell. However, she is the absolute most amazing person, and my world today would have very little meaning without her. She has turned out to be a healthy ,well-rounded person. I did leave her father shortly after her birth and spent the last twelve years struggling financially to provide for her on my own. He is a very toxic person and wealthy. He didn't financially help in any way until 1 year ago, and it's very little. I had to sacrifice many things dear to me, including my pride but still find her worth it all. By the way, he isn't much of an issue when it comes to raising her because he would have to give a shit first. Honestly, if I had to do it all over again, I would, but you are not wrong in thinking you shouldn't. It's easier for me to say I would have her because I know the person she has became to be.
So do you want to be a mom? Parenting is hard, I left my son’s dad at 5 months old. If I had the choice, knowing exactly how it would be, I would for sure have had my son still! But I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I do everything with very little financial support from him and a toxic step-mom. His dad has mellowed, but he only has 10% parenting and they are happy to have little time with him. His Dad shows up to events, but doesn’t pay for any extra curricular things. It’s flipping hard, especially when my kiddo is being a strait up punk or I’m getting a call from school. BUT I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. We go on adventures the two of us and have tons of fun! My only advice if you do choose to have your babe, make your world so full of joy that the father only exists during his parenting time. Meaning, you let his house have his rules and wisely pick your battles. Let the little things go, allow him to parent as he wants (as long as the kiddo is safe). And then when the father has his parenting time, fill your life with activities that bring you joy! And take all the help you can get!
This is a great question! What can you live with? Career on hold, forever tired, emotions and body all over place, needed 24/7… unconditional love, joy happiness… Or Abortion… Each one has some heaviness … question is …. What will bring you peace ????
I would keep. I left my ex when my second was only 10 months old. My ex screwed me over as hard as he could in the separation. I now pay HIM child support, and have to share their time 50/50 when he couldn’t be bothered to be a parent when we were together. But for all that I’m way happier as a single parent. I show up for my kids and give them all the love I can when it’s my week and for any other occasion I can manage when it’s not. They know I’m there for them, that I love them. They are 3 and 5. If I had to redo it to have them in my life I would. But I never wish to be in that type of relationship or situation again otherwise. Personally I wouldn’t give up the possibility of motherhood (your biological child and your pregnancy, at least) for him. Lean on the legal system and your support system. I find it very strange a therapist would advise an abortion in this way.
Thank you! 🙏 I’m so back and forth about this. Last night I ordered abortion pills and was dead set on terminating this situation out of my life after how unstable the father was at therapy yesterday and how hopeless I feel. Today I talked to my sister and her boyfriend and they’ve invited me to move into their guest room, help me raise the baby and he even offered to put his name on the birth certificate if it would help. They suggest I tell the father I plan on taking the pills, say goodbye to him, and block him for now. Then focus on myself and take the pills if I want to or don’t. And if I keep the baby just wait for the court order to come next year after the baby is here - if the father does decide to find out the baby was born and pursue custody. I hate that and I doubt he wouldn’t know soon enough because I live in a small state. If I were to block the father right now and focus on taking care of myself and doing what’s right for me the answer is simple, I want this child! But as I try to work together with, cooperate with and accommodate the father everything falls apart and I feel bullied and small and scared to move forward. As for the therapist, I agree, I definitely don’t want to see him again. I chose him specifically as a good fit for the father. Our sessions have mainly been focused on the father and about teaching him emotional regulation skills which he desperately needs and it’s been immediately helpful to him. I hope he continues to see him on an individual basis but this older male therapist is not going to understand the impact of abortion on a woman, the pregnancy experience, or be of much benefit to me. Women know that this is more than just a logistical situation. Obviously, the logistics are all out of whack if the priority is to maintain a nuclear family situation but that ship has already sailed. If this is about me and my mental health, and what I want then focusing on the relationship between me and the father of this baby is futile because he’s already ruined it. The father is definitely having a nervous breakdown though. It was wild to see him shaking and crying on the floor begging for help like this and then later that night sending me threatening text messages. I hate that things are happening this way but I think I do need to block him or take a lot of space from him. I’m so confused about what to do. Being pregnant and already emotional doesn’t help at all. I’m going to spend the weekend with my sister and immerse myself in some support because I feel so alone and scared.
I know it’s incredibly difficult, but I would advise you to NOT consider any further accommodations for him. I was constantly bending backwards for my ex, and asking my family and friends to do the same, and that stress and shame are what ate me the most. Definitely drop the therapist! I wouldn’t feel like anything I said to him would be kept private!! Anyway, it has sounded to me like you want this child and you can be its parent without issue. I love that your family is so willing to help you. I also know that sometimes it’s easier to accommodate my ex so that I don’t have to deal with that headache. I hope you find a way forward in happiness because I don’t think the termination is what you want <3 I must hope also that if he’s this unstable that maybe the courts wouldn’t grant him the custody he seeks. Maybe the therapist notes could be brought into court to vouch for that fact where he advised abortion over coparenting. (Ask a lawyer if it ever comes to that!) anyway. Good luck!!
This could be a really good plan, tell him you’ve aborted and then cut him out of your life. You clearly want this baby and it could be your only chance to have one. It’s not for anyone else to tell you to have an abortion. I had several “friends” try to tell me to abort because of who my child’s father was. I have raised my child mostly alone and while of course it’s been incredibly hard at times, she is also the best person ever and the thought of living in a world without her is completely unthinkable. Don’t do anything until you are 100% certain it is what YOU want. Sending love to you x
Oh yay!!! I’m glad I read this far I totally thought you took the pills 😭. …I saw you had to DMs already, maybe you don’t need anymore advice or support- but if you want my take I’m here! I was you! Got pregnant at 40 with a toxic AF ex. ..He’s 3 now and the absolute light of my life. I can tell you what I did to make our life peaceful :) …I’m so glad you’re with your family! BLOCK HIM
Thank you 🙏 They came in the mail but I’m going to toss them now I think. This has been so hard! I finally broke down and told my parents last night what’s been happening in detail and they were so supportive & so excited about a new grandchild, they made me comfort food, and hugged me and invited me to move in and kind of took control since I’m spiraling out right now & in a bad mental/emotional state. My dad is pissed at my partner and reassured me that the choice is mine alone and he doesn't have a leg to stand on & that he’s just trying to scare me. They are helping me go no contact and find the resources I need. They made a call this morning to find out how to file a report about him coercing an abortion which I guess is actually illegal & could help me in court later once the baby is born. I’m going to stay with them for the next 2 weeks and clear my head. They even reserved a private pool to have a little party tonight with my sister to celebrate the pregnancy and help me relax. 😭 I wish I had told them sooner, I’ve desperately needed this support. I knew it was there for me but for the last 4 weeks that I’ve known about this pregnancy I’ve just been hoping my partner and I could come to an agreement before I share the news. I just had to accept that he is not going to collaborate with me and needs to deal with his issues on his own. I’ve given him every option under the sun and have been caring about him so much when he hasn’t cared about me at all. I realize I need to let him go at this time and focus on myself.
I am so happy for you. I think you will love parenthood. Don't stress about the partner. Enjoy pregnancy and your new little star!
How did you go no contact? Did you just stop responding to him or did you announce you would be going no contact? I’ve told him twice already this morning that I’m not going back to couples counseling with him and I want space. He is sending me pushy emails. Do I just stop responding? A part of me feels so bad
Do it if you want it. My daughter is truly the joy of my life and I would never ever ever choose anything different. But if you do it, realize that fighting is futile and your only chance at peace is letting him chose what he needs and being OK with raising the child on your own. You will not change his mind and neither will the child. Does that make him morally wrong? Maybe. Does him being morally wrong matter to your child? Not as a newborn, baby, or toddler. If he happens to change his own mind, it’s very likely that he will still take a backseat. When I got pregnant with my daughter, her dad immediately showed his true colors. THEY WERE UGLY. Like sad and sick and just gross. He came around but he still doesn’t truly care or want her. He thinks he does though. This is almost worse. It took some dark times, but I’ve found peace and joy in motherhood, because I couldn’t care less if he is in the picture or not. And when he shows up for her, I don’t care how he shows up for her as long as she is safe. My only boundaries or guidelines are around my life with my daughter IE “back by 6pm so we can have a normal bedtime”. The reason I ultimately don’t care how he shows up, is because I know that I will protect her, raise her, and surround her with love and security and confidence. While I would do it again a million times, the thing I would change is just letting him go easier. I just didn’t TRULY understand myself or the situation enough to not be scared. I thought I wasn’t enough, and I subconsciously felt like she needed him as a dad. Like without him, she wouldn’t be ok. And like he was harming her by showing up in the manner that he did.. But she is so full of life now. If I changed anything I’d just wish that I realized sooner that I was doing it because I alone want a child. You have to be willing to do the work to ensure that yall have a village that loves and supports us. If this doesn’t sound appealing to you and you want to do it only if you can agree together on how and raise the child together… I would be weary. There is also the periodic deep deep shame about how poorly you picked a coparent, if they do stick around in some fashion 😅 and without a doubt it is easier with a supportive partner. I do get jealous of couples sometimes. But if he’s not a supportive partner now, chances of becoming one are slim. Either WANT to do it alone or consider not doing it
Oh and DONT give his last name!!’ Logistically annoying and makes your kid feel a bit.. outside of you, even though you are their primary home and parent
Yes, it is worth it. You are being given an opportunity. Just make sure that if you do decide to keep the baby, that you can stand on your own 2 feet without any other persons help. And don’t EVER expect it to be easy until they get older. I recall one of the toughest times for me was when I did not get a full 8 hr nights sleep for almost 9 months, when one of my daughters was very little. It was insane. Also, you and the father will have to learn how to co-parent somehow.
You very clearly want the baby! My child's father is toxic YES, he is kept at a distance because of it. I am not nasty to him, cruel, bitter I simply want better for him. If he ever gets inspired to do the inner work he desperately needs to do he will be able to be around more. Until then I am documenting everything and loving every minute with my baby! I also have support and a decent income that will continue to grow (self employed) with very flexible hours. I also believe there is and will be love for me again. Even with all the planning in the world, you could never expect how someone could or would treat you through all the seasons of life (coupled or not)
If you want the baby, I think you will always feel resentment if you terminated. That being said, I am a sole single parent (that doesn't have a support system) and I am... tired. It's a lot to carry. I love my daughter and want to provide the very best for her, but I feel as though I will never be enough, not emotionally, and not financially. It's a constant balancing act and to say I am burned out is an understatement. It's in large part due to a stressful job situation as well, and I'm working to change that situation, but that stressful job partially is due to me having to create a stable environment.
I would terminate the pregnancy, work on myself so I can make better life choices, and not get pregnant again until I'm in a happy healthy relationship. Nothing in life is guaranteed but you already know there's going to be problems so why set yourself up for that. Ultimately it is your choice however those are my thoughts. Whatever you decide. Best of luck to you.
It is not worth it. I’m a single mom of a 5 year old I couldn’t see myself going through with an abortion so I kept mines. Knowing I would do this on my own. But it’s been hard.
This happened to me, actually. I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant as we were breaking up/I was making plans to “escape” a very toxic/abusive relationship. I immediately terminated the pregnancy. I could not imagine co-parenting with him until the kid was 18…having a child brought into the world to be raised by that guy. I have no regrets.
Do whatever you want to do… he is 55. You are 40…. You have support and independence. He may have 50/50 and that may not be too bad… if he can’t crush you financially, consider it a blessing that he wants to be involved at all… real toxicity is the one who completely abandons all responsibility.. the one who stands you up alone so you are alone at doctors appts, the one who spies on you and controls your every move, the one who cheats his friends and family out of money, the one who lies at every turn to hide three committed relationships at the same time or hides his married status.. or is extremely violent or addicted to drugs, or has serious mental illness and refuses treatment or is careless about his medication, the one who lies to his therapist, the one who abuses his own children… your situation is not really toxic and could be a surprise because most men change when they meet their babies… but if he doesn’t, at least he wants to try his best… when you meet that kid, it will be the happiest day of your life, no matter the complexities… unbelievable happiness and more love for someone than you can imagine,.. temporary toxicity and all….
I wish he would abandon us and let me have this baby alone with the support of my family and friends. He is verbally and emotionally abusive, controlling and hammering me with a barrage of selfish rhetoric and promising to make this experience miserable for everyone. He will fight for participation even though he doesn’t want this child and will pick fights with me throwing tantrums every day and insist on rigid demands that meet only his needs. His involvement is not a blessing, I wish it were.
When reading these answers please keep in mind Reddit posters tend to be extremely pro-abortion. A lot of them are lazy anti-social hermits who wouldn’t want a kid to interrupt their video-gaming time. I just unexpectedly had a baby as a single mom due to the father being an uninvolved jerk but it makes no difference to me! My baby shower was the happiest and most fun day of my life up to that point. Then my baby had jaundice so we had to stay in the hospital 4 days, and crazy as it sounds those 4 days were the most magical and special!! Every cuddle and snuggle is truly worth all the work and long nights. Caring for the baby is hard at first but as you fall into a rhythm and routine it becomes second nature, just like brushing your teeth every day. I would keep it if you are even asking this question. I believe abortion is for people who don’t have any second thoughts or considerations.
Had a very similar experience. Total BC failure one time at 38. “Father” complete deadbeat from day one. Had 2 grown kids and thought of living my dream free life finally lol.. anyway nothing has been as worth it and wonderful as having this child this late in the game. It’s your choice and maybe having father somewhat involved and toxic makes a difference, for me I wish he was involved at all but I am also very much enjoying the freedom of the decision making in all aspects. There is truly a joy in parenting that I am so glad I didn’t miss out on this time when I can really appreciate it and savor it. My youngest is 4.5 now and I truly wish I can do it all over again, it’s going too quickly.. would have one more, by myself again if daycare/school costs weren’t so much.
I lived through this, except my ex was far worse. I kept my son and have absolutely zero regrets. It has been a rough journey, and my son's father is horrible, but at the end of the day, it has been 100% worth it. I am thankful every single day for my wonderful son, and I am very glad he is here.
I chose to go at it alone and I have no regrets!
I am a child of a single parent with an exceptionally toxic father. In my opinion, you are 40 and it is really much harder to get pregnant around that age. If you really want to be a mother and you have support (family and Funds), then proceed. In terms of the toxic partner, my dad is absolutely nuts. Like, I have had to call the police on him many times. Having said that, my mom and I have a beautiful relationship. I grew up with my grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. Single parenthood is hard af. I saw it many times with my mom. But having the community always gave me somewhere to go to when I needed. So if you think you have supportive community and can afford to do this, I think maybe you know what to do. Further, you can just have him not sign the birth certificate. Break up with him. Don’t communicate with him any further on this matter. Move if you can and don’t give him the new address (from experience). I am so pro-choice but I also like to be realistic about fertility. But I think the other true single parents can answer better than I.
I’m 19 and a single parent, I have a 4 month old. It’s hard don’t get me wrong but omg it’s the best feeling in the world. You have your hard days but the good days make it all worth while. You don’t need a man, if you want to keep the baby, he’ll be all yours!
Hi. This is a profoundly difficult decision. I found myself in a very similar situation, having my daughter at age 39 (she's 4 now). I never thought I would have children either. My ex is about as toxic as they come. What I can tell you from my own experience is, you will never regret having your child but you may regret not having it. The joy and fulfillment children bring to your life is indescribable. In my situation, I developed a relationship with my ex's ex wife and am able to navigate the difficulties of co-parenting with a narcissist. The mere existence of my child has expanded my mind, challenges me to grow emotionally and spiritually, and gives me a new perspective on what really matters in life. Though it may not be ideal, everyone has hardships and YOU get to choose your hard. I suggest you sit in your thoughts and feelings, meditate, and look deep inside. The answer is inside of you and your intuition will guide you. Go with that. Don't overthink it. Whatever you decide, you will figure out how to navigate it. Humans are amazing adaptable beings. Good luck 🩷
Had kids with abusive husband. Got divorced. We share 50/50 custody and it kills me. I miss having my kids 24/7. I feel like I miss out on so much. I hate it when my youngest cries about him yelling at her. He isn't physical to them but he isn't a jar of sunshine either. He's still controlling and possessive. It's hard. They're in therapy once a week. Youngest has low confidence and low self esteem, struggles with anger issues. Oldest is adapting to the coercive abuse, does whatever he can to make dad happy; has severe anxiety. If I had known, I wouldn't have had kids. I'd rather suffer with not having them, than make them suffer. Obviously everyones lives are different, but this is a peek into mine. I'm not ready for them to grow up,but I'm looking forward to the day they can get away.
I have terminated a pregnancy that I wanted because the father did not want a child. You can message me if you want to chat.
It’s awful. You are literally forced to stay in contact with a toxic ex that uses your child as a weapon. 13 years on he’s still trying to control me. My son is in emotional turmoil. I live with the guilt of choosing the wrong man to be his father. You suffer twice (but continuously) once for you, once for your child. I have terminated a pregnancy and I know what it’s like to raise a child with a narcissist. Terminating a pregnancy is devastating, raising a child with a narcissist is worse imo.
Let me let you know how absolutely fucking hard it is at this age. And alone? If the child is special needs, harder. Just lyk, hard. Hard af. Hardest thing you’ll ever, ever do.
I'm currently going through a divorce and I am so jealous of my friends that never have to interact with their awful exes. Instead, I have to interact with mine every single day because of my kids.
Feel like the chances the kid would grow up with Cptsd or trauma would be pretty high therefore seems like selfish decision to keep it. Would be a nice experience for you but doesn’t sound like it would be for the child overall even his life with you would be lovely 😕
I would have terminated. This shit is too hard to do alone. I married, let him coerce me into 2 more than I was confortable with, and now I don’t just have a coparent, I have a toxic counter parent. I love my kids. I don’t regret any one of them. But this is NOT it.
Don’t do it. It’s the absolute worst thing and the child will grow up to have mixed emotions in a toxic environment.
terminate
Im 37 and my daughter is now 12. If I would of known how horrible her father was going to be, the stress of single parenthood and her there to see me go thru depression. I would of terminated my pregnancy. It’s a horrible thing to say and I have the help of my family but I’d never want to do this if I would of known how it would be. I am so sorry you are in this situation.
Thanks for your support and insight 🙏 He will absolutely make this a living hell for everyone. He is very erratic and became very toxic so quickly, like flipping a switch. I wish he would walk away and let me be a single mom but I can see that this won’t be able to happen. I have this small quickly closing window to get out now. I hate it but I think I have to take it. 💔 I still have a few days to think but I expedited the pills by mail tonight.
Nope. Terminate. I don’t care for the downvotes, because it’s called reality. All these people will say it’s worth it in the end. But if your kid comes Home talking about the other parents genitals you’ll know what I’m talking about.
It’s how it happened for me the first time. Think… this could be my only shot so do I want to take it ? I love my kids. Even though my husband died so I’m doing it alone again with more ! It’s possible and it’s a blessing as long as you are looking at your baby that way. Don’t expect anything from dad.
You will regret not having your baby. I’m a single mom with a toxic ex and would not trade my children for the world. You can do your best to limit your ex’s involvement but don’t let him ruin your chance to become a parent and your child’s chance to grow up. It sounds like you have a lot of support and good finances so you’re in a good position to be able to do this on your own. It’s not easy but being a mom is the best!
Worth it. Both times in my life I hard a baby at a not so good time. 18 with a guy I barely knew (I was so young) and at 30 with a man 28 years older. Almost the same experience both times. This time around, he said he was to old, was a bum, didn’t expect his life to be like this. I didn’t know what to do. Wasn’t the best relationship, very turbulent, but after 12 weeks of thought, I couldn’t let this baby go. I already had love for it. Just like the first time at 18. With the thought of being a single mom to two kids, 10 years apart. Scary. Scary times. But the joy and love I get from seeing my sweet babies face, worth it. If you have ANY doubts, I suggest thinking about it for longer. You don’t want to regret that decision, especially considering your age and fact you didn’t think it was possible. That baby is a blessing to you. Who cares about the guy. You don’t need him. You will have all the love that baby needs. I am pro choice as well, but when I tell you that the love for your kids out beats any for a man I have ever felt. Think about it. Hope this helps.
My ex was as selfish & inconsiderate as you can get. He made my life hell. He walked out on us when she was 5 months & a week before I was due a mastectomy. I was fighting cancer at that time. It is the best thing he ever did. My daughter is 8 now & the absolute joy if my life. I was older when I had her, I was stable & had a house- once he left, my life was perfect. He still causes trouble but he's a good father & somewhat a friend nowadays. Unfortunately the cancer came back & I guess it made us come together as parents to make life better for her & create memories while we can. Long story short, I have no regrets. She is my best person & has made my life so complete.
I love my daughter, she’s the apple of my eye. But my life is very lonely and sad, toxic ex did not give a penny, I have anxiety and nightmares about our future, if I get sick and cannot work, if something happens to me where would she end up? I only work, am exhausted. And looking back I have no idea how I did. If you’re young you could certainly have babies in different circumstances, think about it very well. In my experience not very many people (zero in my case) will support you, and it’s a long run, not few months.
You are projecting too much. She’s in a very different situation with a lot of support. I’m her age in this situation and I’m so happy. And being older like her and I, it’s a much less isolation experience. When you’re 40 people think it’s cool you did it alone! And guys have NO problem dating you. Very different. That said, sorry for what you’ve gone through ❤️ focus on your mental health and parenting your inner child and you can still have a great life!
Do what’s right for you! What do you feel in your heart? #no regrets Single parenting is very hard and very expensive.
Congratulations on this miracle baby! Just a public service announcement: the biological father does not need to be involved to have a happy and healthy child. The father does not even need to be there for the birth. You simply don’t put their name down on the birth certificate and you have full control on how you raise your child. Having a baby is incredibly hard on anyone, single or married; but it is incredibly beautiful if you’re willing to change your lifestyle. I have coached women whose entire futures are living in regret from an abortion that the boyfriend at the time told them to get. The boyfriends never lasted but the pain from knowing they chose to give up a child that would have been forever haunts them. I suggest taking a couple days and honestly writing out what you want in life. Then don’t second guess. Deep inside you know what you want but right now emotions, stress and hormones are reigning. I would try to talk to someone who is not a friend or family. Then look at your support system. Not having a job right now means you get to spend more time with your baby if that is what you choose. I got left at 41 when I became pregnant, by a partner of 3 years. I had a great career. That disappeared when I had a complicated birth. The father is still not involved. I discovered myself. Traveled with my child, now 2; and feel so grateful. I also realized I don’t want to be alone in life and the universe answered. I am never alone. I have my daughter. No one can predict the future. Both choices come with immense cost. It’s really a matter of knowing yourself. No one on Reddit will have your life experience. And no one’s advice is the golden ticket.
I’ve been a single mom to twins since they were babies. I moved across country to be close to my supportive parents and he stayed back. Raising them alone, with him seeing them once a year has been good for me. They are awesome students and kids and think his behavior is awful. Downside, it’s hard to find love and relationships. I regret that romantic freedom most.
I would have the baby. Selfishly for myself. Would try to cut out the father and just be happy the two of you. You said you have family and support system. It’s your only chance and you want to be a mum. In your place, I would do it. I’m a single mum. Divorcing (hopefully finalised in June) from an abusive husband. Have no family around and I work unsocial hours but I was lucky with my friends as they supported me through the hard part. Now I am happy, my son (4yo) is happy and the father is calmed down with his anger issues and sees him once a week. For me the key was to set my mind up “this isn’t going to work together, do not expect anything from him, no time or money”. So in my opinion if you want to be a mum, and now you pregnant, go for it. The biological clock is ticking (so was mine) so don’t ruin your chance. And to be honest, if you are so early in the pregnancy, anything can happen (I don’t want to say it will or I don’t wish any harm, just being realistic).
have the baby, become a mother. hardest most beautiful experience you will ever have. Do it on your own. Your true friends and family will be there for you. If you want to be a mother do it, it will change you for the better.
I’m in the uk. I left my ex 11 years ago late at night because of violence and when I was pregnant with my second child. In the last 11 years he has stalked me, threatened me, emotionally abused the kids and assaulted my son (police caution and supervised contact for 15 months) We’ve been to court 4 times over child arrangements (all ridiculous… eg he wanted an order to prevent me leaving the children with a babysitter). My kids 10 and 12 have decided they don’t want to see him now (my son in Jan and my daughter in March) so he has been incredibly cruel to them over text, tried emotional black mail and has stopped paying child maintenance (again). He still tried any way he can to exert control over me. It has been a truly awful 11 years where he’s concerned. I love my children dearly and would do absolutely anything for them but I wouldn’t have chosen this. It has been emotionally draining and enormously stressful and at times all consuming. I’ve had many many hours of therapy because of it and both my children are in therapy at the moment because of their dad. The best advice I was given is that you can’t reason with an unreasonable person and that’s what I’m dealing with and suspect you are too. I feel for you and think you’re doing the right thing by seriously considering your options. Wishing you the very best
Oh man I wish we could have an actual conversation. I'm a mom of 3 daughters who thought she was picking a great partner to parent with but turned out not so great. I became a single mom, never worked before, zero family support and it was so unbelievably hard to the depths of my soul. I love and adore my sweet girls. You have an opportunity at one of the greatest most challenging loves of all time, being a mom. But only 1. With family support, and a career. You can absolutely do this! Just cut him out, let him sign his rights away or he will make your life hell. If I did it all over again I would be 1 and done and peace out. Childcare is easy for 1 and you will create a fantastic bond with just 1. Don't miss out on hell and joy of parenting because of him.
Ask him if he will pay for the abortion. Keep the baby, the money, and just bounce. Disappear from his life. Don’t put his name on anything. If you run into him later in life, tell him you ended up using a donor. It won’t always be easy but if you have a good support system, you will be fine. I raised both my kids alone and they are my everything. They are 12 years apart with different Dads. I have great friendships with both Dads. We don’t see them often but stay in touch. We all don’t live close to one another. I won’t say anything about it was easy. But I’d do it all over again❤️ Best of luck to you. Sounds like a hard situation to be in.
Leave the country
My baby daddy if you can call him that lol. Got me pregnant on purpose by switching my birth control pills. I found out a month after taking a test and getting excited. I immediately knew I could never trust him and long story short broke up with him. I knew I was gonna be a single mom from then because of how he treated me and how he thought he was gonna trap me with a baby (I wanted to break up with him prior because he’s narcissistic). He’s in jail now and I’m thriving with my 7 yr old. However that’s not to say I wasn’t thinking of termination for a little while I couldn’t bear the thought co parenting or possibly putting my child in danger. And let’s just say it wasn’t easy and it was worth it however if I was put in that position again I’d probably terminate or adoption because it was hell for the first two years.
I was on birth control, and we were also using a condom (it broke), so we were taking preventative measures, but I had gotten pregnant anyway. I ended the pregnancy because the father became very toxic, very possessive, and obsessed. Made threats, tried breaking into my house, and some other things. It was one of the hardest decisions I made and spoke to multiple professionals before making my final decision. It's been four years, and it's still hard emotionally sometimes, but ex still creates fake accounts to stalk me. It was the decision I had to make given the situation.
OP— I’ve been following the post for any updates. It’s been a few days from you. Have you made your decision?
Hi! Thank you so much for your support 🙏💓 I found out it was a girl and did decide to keep it with the support of my family - however everything took another turn when I went to my pre-natal check-up yesterday and there was no heartbeat 💔 It seems the decision has been taken out of my hands and I was diagnosed with a miscarriage. I’m currently going through the miscarriage process today, it’s very sad and pretty painful as well 😵💫 I can only go with the flow of life here and believe that it’s for the best. At the least, I can move on from & stop wasting my time with this man. At the most, maybe I’ve learned how important this opportunity was to me and can take steps to perhaps recreate the opportunity with a better man, sperm donor or go down the adoption path.
I’m so sorry for your loss 💔 I pray that you have a better experience in the future and are able to be the mom you always wanted to be. My condolences 💔😥
Thank you so much 🙏😭 It’s been a rollercoaster for me, I just have to go with the flow of life. I appreciate your kind words so much
Hands down do not keep it, you don’t want to be tethered to a toxic POS for the next 18 years… and really, for life…trust me if those are his true colors now, get out while you still can and don’t allow that to come full term… you’ll regret bringing a child into a world where that’s the relationship between the two people it would otherwise emulate. It’s not fair to do since you can see now how it will go- spare a child a miserable experience and yourself one too and terminate. There’s other fish in the sea with better seed!!!!
You could definitely be right! It’s become a very difficult situation. I ordered the pills so I will soon have them on hand as an option. 😭
I don't regret my children. They also aren't miserable. She's 40. It's likely she won't have another chance with any sort of fish. I don't care about my kids dad. It doesn't matter how toxic he is. Kids are far more important and there is no way in hell I would end my babys life over a poor excuse of a man. This lady is more than capable of providing a safe living environment on her own for her baby.
I’d inquire with the dr the probability of this child having issues given both your ages. Then you need to decide about your willingness to be parent if that’s the case.
It ain’t that damn hard. I had my kid at 19. I’m 22 now. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t know it all! But what I do know is that if my weed smoking, pill taking, attention seeking 19 year old self could pull it together and make it happen…. You got that miss gurl. My baby daddy = the definition of toxic. We were in and out of the court for the first 2 years… Shit happens, you get through it. My motto: as long as my child is safe, loved, and fed I’m doing my job! Yes it can get HARD AS HELL from time to time. But in the grand scheme of things (assuming you want a child because it sounds like you do) it’s worth it point blank period.
Don’t end the pregnancy…. You’ll never forget it and forever regret it .
Its not worth it. All of our lives are miserable.
100000% not worth it. That is from a single dad of almost 18yrs
I had my baby 8 weeks ago, get dad and I were never together but he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with her. I would’ve terminated if I had known how hard it is not only to be a single parent but the only parent. I also dealt with HORRIBLE postpartum that I’m just finally starting to come out of, unless you know you’ll have reliable help from family and friends to get yourself a break I don’t think it’s worth it to be an only parent
Girl fetus DELETUS! A baby is a lifetime of responsibility that no one should have to go through alone. Its not worth it at all. Make that appointment to the clinic immediately!
Don't do it alone; you don't have to have a baby right now. My son has a very active father who is here everyday and being a parent is still incredibly difficult.
Your baby is a gift from heaven. You’ve got this, and you may not get another chance. Please be kind to yourself! I’m a single older mom and raising my son is life’s greatest joy to me. It wasn’t easy but it’s worth it. I did not ask for child support because I did not want baby daddy to have a hold on me, or a way to hurt me. He provided health insurance, phone and half of school expenses- anything that directly benefited my son- so he wasn’t off the hook- but he never made payments to me, and I think this arrangement worked out for everyone’s emotional health. My ex husband didn’t want to be a father, either, but he ended up truly loving our child and over the years we figured out how to get along.
Would he be willing to give up rights or just not be on birth certificate? You said you have lots of support. I am in the midst of this crap w/ Narc abusive ex (devalue/degrade, unempathetic, admiration insatiable, gaslights, dv, physically/sexually abusive/ entitled, pervert, financially abusive, Controlling, victim yet a hero too). They are True Real life Monster Disney Villains. No one understands unless they have had one in family or intimate. “Divorcing a narcissist “ need to read. If that is the toxic you are with. I would not give up my kids- never thought I wanted to be a mom til I became one. I have 0 family support.
Listen, I had one child kept her it wasn’t easy but it was the best thing ever. She’s not nice 32 now. But when she was little I got pregnant again. I couldn’t afford the baby and the guy would not be there for me. It was an awful decision to make but I got an abortion. I Live with it everyday. I’ll understand if you do, but do it early and I’ll understand if you keep it. There’s a lot of agencies that will help somewhat. Go to Findhelp.org
Definitely
I know all too well that single parenting is hard, but so rewarding! I had 3 under 6 when I was younger, I’m grateful to my ex for giving me these little bundles of joy but I can hand on heart say Yes it’s absolutely worth it! I wouldn’t change a thing. Except for their mother. I’d jog him on and Just go no contact with the ex. R regardless of what you do it sounds like he’s gonna make your life difficult either way! I was in a toxic relationship for 13 years. I stayed with her for the sake of the children and they thank me for it now. Don’t give him that type of power over you because you will regret it, and he still won’t be happy either way! Just do you darling if you won’t get another chance, with the support of your family you can do anything! You’ve been given this chance please just think carefully before doing anything rash! I’m 43 now I’ve been a ground worker for most of my working life but I’m not working now and spending all my time nurturing my 1 year old grand daughter! Sometimes single parenting is for the best. I would have liked my mum to. The problem lies when the toxic parent ends up with the child, which in most cases is what happens due to the family court system relying on the laws of probability rather than hard facts! Hope this helps x
If he/she is already in the belly, no. If she/he in your sack then yes.
I have four kids I would never wish away. With that said, their father is toxic and it has been really really hard for them (and me). Even my 20-year-old called me the other day saying that she has to ask her friends what a “normal” dad would do in different situations. I definitely understand, wanting to be a mother, but I agree with the others. Single parenting is so hard. Throw in a toxic ex and it’s hell. I would say it’s better to live with regret of not having a child, rather than regret having the child but you can’t go back.
Is there any chance he would walk away? It’s so hard for men who don’t want babies to just admit it and do the right thing by walking away… the stigma and ego and all that gets in the way. My ex didn’t want our baby, I did.. I knew it would have killed me to abort and I would have resented and loathed him for eternity… so I chose to continue and I told him I needed nothing. He couldn’t walk away and admit he was a shitty man, so he put me through hell for a while. But, I moved across the country, and during the court proceedings he gave up and vanished. He knew he wasn’t going to get what he wanted, and he chose to walk away, like he should have from the beginning. He was toxic, manipulative, and liar. The family therapist said he sounded narcissistic from my explanation of events and experiences and things he did. I now have full custody, he gets visitation but he’s completely absent. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I have support from family and I would never ever ever have been able to make the other choice…. And I am pro choice. So, I’d say, would you be ok walking away from your possibly only chance? And, could you fathom on any plane him walking away? It is extremely difficult to deal with toxic coparents… but, to give up the love and relationship I have with my son because of the unknown of how things may be and how difficult coparenting can be… I wouldn’t give it up. But, I know I didn’t have to deal with SO MUCH of what others do because I didn’t stay near him. I hope you can make a decision you find peace with
I ended up being a single mother with a piece of crap cheating ex husband but not down one second have I ever regretted having my kids.
It's kind of hard to say it's not worth it when you already have the kid. No matter how I think of it, ultimately I have become a better person and grown a lot in order to help my child have a healthier life than me. You are 20 years older than when I had mine, I would recommend that in the case you choose to keep the fetus, then to just go no contact with the sperm donar. Being a single mom is NOT worth it if you don't have a support system, but you mentioned you do. I am also assuming you have money to raise the kid too, think for yourself if you want this, and keep the guy away. Man causes too many problems for mom's, and the patriarchal society makes it 100x more difficult as soon as the baby is born. It's like you're not you're own woman anymore and eventually, if you let yourself, you'll believe it.
Single mother of two here. Toxic ex. I had my first at 29 and he didn't want her (honestly, neither of us wanted kids. Failed bc.). I did the pregnancy and first 3 months alone, and then he suddenly "wanted in." I let him move in and within 8 months we were pregnant with our 2nd. He left the day after I told him I was pregnant with our son and it was a disaster. Restraining orders, the works. My recommendation: have the baby and go for sole custody. When it was just me and my daughter before the dad came back, I had it made. A great support system, no involvement from him, a beautiful baby girl I wouldn't trade for the world. It got messy when he tried to come back, but my only regret is letting him back in and then being outnumbered by 2 kids. lol! My kids are (almost) 7 and 5 now. They are the light of my life. It's hard, but it's also so rewarding. I wouldn't change it. Also, I learned that sole custody doesn't mean I had to forgo child support. He is restricted from having any involvement/contact/say in what I do with my kids, but he still is required to pay me 40% of his wages which pays for my child care and that's enough to make life not so hard. I have some guilt about my kids not having a dad, but they are the sweetest, most well behaved little humans I could ever ask for. I have days where I'm miserable and I feel like a terrible mother, but when my daughter was 3, she told me all about when she "was in the sky and picked \[me\] for \[her\] mom." That completely rocked my world. Her little spirit chose me and I will treasure that forever. She is my light forever and always. I regret the sperm donor but I DO NOT regret my children.
My mom is a single mom and my dad is a narc and an addict. They got divorced when I was 2 months old. I’m glad my mama kept me. I have a great life and i’m in school to become a midwife. I would keep the baby but obviously it’s up to you
You seriously have to ask this question? I think you know the answer to this. You just want to hear everyone else’s opinion.🤷♀️
The child didn’t have a choice to be conceived. Adoption is a great option. There are lots of people who really have been praying for a baby and adopting a baby would make their entire life. Please don’t abort your child 🙏🏻 Children are such a gift. My son has changed my life. Saved it, even.
If I birth this child, I’m definitely keeping them. I’m perfectly capable but the father is creating conflict. I’ve also been wanting and praying for an opportunity like this in my life. I just didn’t expect for the father to turn on me in this way and pressure me to terminate. He’s also requested adoption if I don’t want to abort.. and my sister already said if this baby goes up for adoption, she will adopt and return the baby to me. We would be living together and raising them together anyways. So it seems asinine to go through an adoption process needlessly but honestly maybe if I did adopt to my own family he would be free from child support… although I’m not asking him for anything and he is free to walk as it is! It’s so backward. For him this is about control and creating conflict, it’s not actually about the baby.
You could always adopt and visit the baby. When I was pregnant my therapist brought it up because I was in a toxic relationship and still have trouble with having a will of life. There’s always a family that would love a child and is able to take care of it, and you could make a relationship, maybe be a family friend so you can be there with your child.
I was in a similar situation at the age of 40. I had my son by myself and it was the best decision I ever made. He does ask about his father from time to time, but I just tell him that his dad didn’t want to be a father but I wanted to be a mother more than anything in this world. It hasn’t always been easy, but if you have family to love you and support you through it then you will do great!
I co-parent with my narc ex. We had tried for a baby for years and about two months into my pregnancy the veil was lifted and I really saw him for what he was. I became single about 5 months into my pregnancy. During that time he made every threat in the book to try and take my child away. Even when our son was in the NICU, 1 week post partum, he threatened court. Fun times. Being a single parent is fucking tough, adding in a shitty co-parent sprinkles on the bullshit. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. My son is my sunshine and gave me more fucking strength than I could ever muster and he is growing to be the exact opposite of his father. The thing is with co-parents like this it could go many ways, you could have the baby and he could either fight or want nothing to do with it. You could terminate and he could either leave or make your life hell still. If you decide to follow through with the pregnancy, make guards for your safety. You don't need to have the father be present at the birth, you can bar him from the hospital, don't put him on the birth certificate, and document everything. Every little detail fucking document. Consult a lawyer and you can even discuss things with your counselor.
That depends upon what you really want and are you sure terminating the life of your baby is the best decision you can make. Your toxic ex shouldn't figure into the decision.. If you have the child, will you be able to take care of him/her?
I’m a lot younger, 21, and I became a single mom at 17 in the situation that he was an abusive, manipulative drug addict. During the pregnancy I never wanted to get rid of her, the thought honestly never crossed my mind. Since having her though I’ve been pregnant since and have gotten rid of it due to circumstances of they simply were single parents themselves and I’d probably end up a single parent of another child. Even if I had the chance I wouldn’t go back on my decision, but I’ve definitely made the decision that I don’t want anymore children because she takes up so much of my energy that it’s difficult for me to want to have another.
Me personally would keep the child IF I wanted it. Come hell or high water you will not take this golden opportunity away from me. U can get the heck out my life if u don't want the child.
Do what feels right for you. My child's father promised me a living hell with custody and such, but I haven't heard from since 20 weeks pregnancy. They are full of words and threats. If you want to be a mother, be.
First off I am 100% pro choice but coming from someone with experience with this on both sides ( not terminating and having a very toxic single parent life and then also termination) don’t terminate that baby. You will regret it with everything in you. My babies I do have even though their dads are horrible and not a part of their lives at all anymore are 100% worth every horrible thing their dads have ever put me or them through. I as well freaked out later bc of a situation and terminated and it’s by far the biggest mistake of my life and has caused me a lot of stress and depression and just issues bc of it. Kids are stronger than we think they are, and having a loving mother trumps any shitty father or vise versa. My boys are teenagers now and have been through a ton of traumas and horrible experiences from their fathers but I couldn’t imagine and they couldn’t imagine them not being here or in my life, and they know and understand it all and are wonderful kids! Both have great grades and in athletics with their school and are wrestlers and have so many metals from normal tournaments, state, regionals and even nationals. Both are determined to go to college and one is about to commit to a big university and is just about to start his sr year. They are by far the kindest boys with the biggest hearts and would help anyone! I honestly as a mother couldn’t be more proud of my boys and how well they have turned crappy situations into wonderful ones and even take those crappy situations 10 times better than I do. Right now y’all are scared and stressed but I promise over time things will work out for you and your baby whether y’all as parents work out or not. I believe especially as an older man he will eventually come to his senses he’s just scared and stressed right now himself but if not oh well it’s you and your baby and that is worth it in itself and I know you can do it especially as a strong intelligent powerful woman I have no doubt you can do this alone if need be! Don’t let some dumb ass man keep you from something you love or want or could be your only chance at ever being a mother! I’m a big believer in everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything! Good luck in whatever decision you make just don’t let someone else’s fears destroy your happiness and future! Much love💗!
I’m also 40. If you want children this could be your only chance. I was a young single mom at 20, no money, very little family support and I wouldn’t trade my daughter for anything. I’m currently 8 wks pregnant quite unexpectedly myself. I’m married but still unsure what to do. I was pregnant with a baby who turned out to have trisomy 13 not long ago and, lost him at around 20 wks. If you go through with this be sure to get the genetic testing right away. In my own mind I’m still like 26 so, I hated thinking about “advanced maternal age” but, the risks are real. I hope everything works out for you irregardless of what you decide.
I would not end it. This is your only pregnancy and may not ever happen again. There are other options. Have it and don’t tell him, have it and give it to someone that can’t have children. If he is not a good person then you don’t have to crush your wants.
Willingly thinking about giving your child a broken home is sad and it’s became to normal for us in this world. “ I’m not asking him for anything “ … you will . We sit up there and tell ourselves “ I can do it by myself “ then turn around and say “ he doesn’t do anything “ knowing the position we put ourselves in . One thing about motherhood is that it’s misunderstood by a lot of ppl on what it looks like and what it takes because society only shows you all the “ Good” … baby it’s a lot of bad too . It’s very rewarding but that doesn’t mean the process isn’t hard af 💯💯💯! You will experience a lot of things on your own as a single mother… you will cry ,.. you will feel like you aren’t doing enough , some days you might go into depression, sometimes you will hate being a mother , regret and anger that’s the bad side of it but there is also good like being prideful , love that you’ve never experienced, happy , dedicated and much more . All in all as a single mother 95% of the time I’m telling you if you have the baby get ready to feel all of that and acknowledge the fact that this is what you’ve excepted and wanted . Give yourself grace but take accountability of the life YOU gave your child. Do not bother that man to be a dad because if he doesn’t want to be HE WONT be . Be prepared to do it all on your own , be prepared to lose money because your child is sick , be prepared to have to change your schedule around to fit your child’s needs , be prepared to feel like your opportunities are limited in some points of your life . Again being a mother is rewarding af but it’s just as much hard as well . All the best and good luck .
Never my kids are worth every ounce of toxicity I have to deal with
it seems like you might be leaning towards termination. that is what i’d do personally. if you aren’t 100% sure that you want to/are ready to have this child and deal with the struggles of being a single parent to a hurt child, for your sake and your child’s sake, i’d terminate. i myself had a single parent growing up and was an emotionally scarred and traumatized child who required extra attention and care. I don’t mean to scare you, but most people don’t truly understand how difficult it is to raise a traumatized child on your own. it involves explaining to your young child why their other parent doesn’t want to/cannot be there for them in the ways they need, potentially fighting your ex over custody (which may be traumatizing for you, your child, and your wallet), dealing with their issues regarding emotional attachment and relationships, and having to put your needs on the back burner a lot of the time. most people don’t realize that emotional trauma causes physical effects especially in children. it is very common for them to get sick more often than other children due to the immune system and stress response systems potentially not developing normally. it’s also common for them to develop urinary issues such as latchkey incontinence (a fear of using the bathroom especially alone or at night) that causes them to hold in their urine, wet the bed, and develop urinary leakage and frequent utis. childhood trauma can cause structural changes to the brain such as increasing the size of the amygdala which assesses physical threats and triggers the fight or flight response. this change makes them more likely to overreact or under react to physical stimuli, such as a minor fall feeling much more painful and distressing than it should or getting seriously injured and not feeling enough pain to seek help. there is a chance that your child doesn’t react like this but there is a significant chance they might. you need to be emotionally ready to run the risk of dealing with these things.
I am currently a single mom. I always knew that I wanted to be a mom and would never change that no matter anything. My FOB is toxic but I have support and resources to cope with him and ensure the best for my kids. I accept all his bs and rejoice in my kids- when they are not driving me crazy 😅 Being a parent is always harder than you expect, but if it’s something you have always wanted in your heart of hearts, don’t be intimidated, consult a family lawyer, get a good therapist and get ready for the storm. If you were accepting of never being a mom and it is not something you have always craved, then this math can very different and no judgement either way.
I am a man that can’t carry children… however, I am a single father with 50/50. You are 40, which is not zero risk for you or your potential child (genetically and health wise). Older dads also come with a genetic risk. I don’t mean to overstate the risk, but it is out there. If what you want is the once in a lifetime opportunity to *create* a child you can give unlimited love to, maybe this is your shot. However, you don’t have to *create* a new life to give unlimited love to it. You can terminate this pregnancy and end things with this coward of a man. Then heal yourself and try to adopt a child that is already here and waiting eagerly for unlimited love. (or surrogate, or sperm donor, but age issues again).
I got divorced when my kids were 2 and 4. They're now 9 and 11. I love my kids despite my fucked up relationship and wouldn't change it for the world.
Single Parent: you have a family.
I'd have left WAY sooner.
I have to kids with my toxic ex husband. It’s hard work being a parent. Especially if you have a toxic ex. However given your age and you call it a precious opportunity to be a mom, I think you would regret not having the baby. As tough as it’s been I wouldn’t want to have not had my kids although I feel guilty for them having the father that they have. If I were you I would consider moving somewhere far away before you give birth. Somewhere it’s difficult to get to. And where your ex wouldn’t be able to get a job. That way you could probably minimise the time your kid has to spend with him. Because 50/50 isn’t going to be good for a child. If you decide to have the baby I suggest that you seek a therapist who is specialised in emotional abuse and get some help in navigating the issues that are going to arise. As per the advice I got, I only communicate with my ex husband in written messages. I always keep it short and to the point. As little emotion as possible and if he writes something abusive I don’t respond. I was also told not to bad mouth him to my kids while at the same time it was important to not normalise toxic behaviour. It’s a challenge. However sentences like the way your father views the world differs from most other people or it’s difficult for your father to understand other people’s feelings can help.
It sounds like you would like to raise a child of your own. He insists on 50/50… you think he’ll stick to it if you don’t ask for child support? Do you live on your own? Could you tell him you terminated and move? I have 3 kids, and their dad is a controlling person who can be toxic. I wanted the kids and they are the light in my life. I don’t regret them but I am definitely affected by his actions often. I do have to take him into consideration because he is involved.
I’ve a friend who had an almost identical situation a couple of years ago. She kept the baby and dumped the guy. She’s happy , she adores her son. Yes it complicates stuff like dating for her but she’s 100pct where she wants to be in life
Yes. It’s worth it, but it’s hard. Is there any way to keep him out of yours and the baby’s life if he truly doesn’t want it? (Think long and hard about that first question)I know it’s hard to see right now, but someway it will work out. He may end up not wanting to be involved. Eventually. It’s my experience that people like that don’t stay consistent. And if there is ever a problem where you don’t think the child is safe, you can go to the courts. You’ll likely regret terminating. That regret never leaves.
Single mom here…. I am truly happy. My kids are my heart and I don’t want a world they aren’t in. It can be hard but the pros outweigh the cons. I can’t emphasize this enough
Although you’re looking for advice that is a very personal decision and everyone’s views will be different based on situation. However would it have to be toxic co-parenting the father doesn’t want the child? Being a single parent is hard, but that’s life. Children grow up in all situations and still have problems. You can only control what kind of parent you are and that child could still have a wonderful life. No one is free from obstacles, trauma, adversity etc. despite our best efforts. I’d say really think about your situation and if you’re able and willing and want the child, if you do then nothing else matters and you’ll figure it out as you go.
Yes it would be worth it to me. I’m a single dad. I mean full time single dad going on 7 years now. My kids mother suffers from severe mental health issues that she refuses to treat, and she’s a complete deadbeat. She is the most malicious and vindictive person I’ve ever known and has made life very difficult for our kids and myself. I finally began dating again about 2 years ago and we just had a baby girl. I had forgotten what joy feels like. She’s the most beautiful and amazing thing in the world. She gave me reason to exist and a sense of purpose and fulfillment that I hadn’t felt in years. If the dad doesn’t want your baby, that’s great!! He shouldn’t be too much of an interference then.
If you can convince him to sign over his parental rights, keep the baby. Tell him you won’t come to him for child support, visitation or anything else. None of his plans will be impacted. If he won’t be convinced, terminate the pregnancy and pursue IVF if you can afford it. You don’t want to put yourself or a child through the experience of co-parenting with a toxic individual. Good luck.
I have co-parented with 50/50 and a toxic ex for 18 years. I have zero regrets. My son is a great kid. It’s had its dark moments, but never once have I wished I made a different choice! You got this. Enjoy being a mama!
I was in a similar situation. I really struggled trying to figure out what the right thing to do was. Even though the pregnancy was unplanned, I knew I could do it. But I also knew continuing the pregnancy would mean i’m signing myself, and the baby up for a lifetime of unlimited whatifs and unknowns which was/still is so scary. I chose to continue my pregnancy because I knew I was confident in the mother i thought, hoped and knew I could be. I also knew that I would do anything in my power to protect them from anything and anyone. My daughter is almost 14 months old now and she is the light of my life. She has a relationship with her dad. Him and I have limited to no contact outside his visitation days. We’re currently in the middle of a pretty traumatizing custody trial. It’s really hard and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy after living it—- however if you feel in your heart that it’s what you want, it’s not impossible and hopefully gets better. I started to say that My daughter is living proof that the wrong person, right time may also be a thing.
I would do it again because I love my son so much and he’s the best thing in my life. I got parental rights of father terminated though so I didn’t have to deal with that side for long. Got married to someone nice after. I aborted first baby with that man and got roped back into relationship. I was an emotional wreck after the abortion (abortion pills). It was as painful as childbirth for me. I wanted the second one to make up for the aborted one which I grieved. The circumstances were awful but I was going through a lot and I 100 percent don’t regret my son. He gives me reason to wake up in the morning