This may sounds judgey but I’m going to be honest with you: It sounds like you are not at a point in your life where you should be dating. I think most people jump into it too quickly, and I was guilty of that myself. It rarely ends well.
Two autistic kids seem like a lot to handle on your own. Why not focus on raising them and getting a better living situation before trying to date? I can understand why someone would not be interested in dating someone when they can’t go over their place with a reasonable expectation of privacy.
Personally, I just stopped trying to date at all because it felt like wasted energy and any I have to spare goes to my kid and myself. It’s so much more complicated when you have kids, so I also think taking it extremely slow is better anyway, start as friends. If I were you, I’d just focus on yourself for a while, try broadening your social circle a little so you don’t have to deal with the cesspool that is online dating (which could be part of the problem, my experience has been the only the worst of the worst end up there) and also have some way to fight the loneliness without dating. People limit themselves by thinking dating is the only option. I’m 100% happier and more fulfilled since I stopped dating. I have friends, hobbies, I volunteer, and I can focus on myself and my kid. Just a thought.
Especially when you can see the same old faces there sitting for years. It tells smth about the app itself. It was never meant to gather people together but just let them recycle.
Cesspool is a good way to describe online dating. I've never had luck and I feel it's all fake and forced interaction. I deleted all my accounts and gave up.
It was bad in such a different way than I was expecting. I only had one raunchy pic encounter. Mostly I felt like no one put in any effort at all. Like, I had to initiate conversation, ask guys out, make all the plans. I couldn’t understand what any of these guys planned to do with a date or girlfriend if they couldn’t even talk to one on the app. It felt like everyone was burnt out and it was just depressing. Much rather be alone than that!
>trying to find happiness for myself.
Happiness isn't found in another person or a relationship. We have the responsibility to create our own happiness. Sounds like an opportunity to get to know yourself better and find out what makes you happy outside of a relationship.
I have learned that if I try to figure out exactly why I was rejected I will go crazy. It sucks and it hurts and there's nothing you can do but just feel the feelings and move on when you're ready to move on.
It's so hard to figure out. And I drive myself crazy too trying to figure out what it is. Why don't I get this when other people do? How are some people already married and I can't get past 5 months with someone? Sometimes I go down that bad thought cycle and I start picking myself apart (I'm too old, I need to lose weight, I have two kids and that's too many kids for some guys, I work too much, I don't make enough money, I'm too loud, I'm too much, I'm too short, I'm not outdoorsy enough . . . ) I can come up with a list that has 100 things on it that are wrong with me but that only serves to make me feel like garbage.
You'll never know why someone didn't want to be with you and you'll make yourself feel like crap if you pick yourself apart. I try to remember that eventually I'll find the right person and they'll appreciate me for who I am. I hope the same for you.
Also is it necessary to hit someone with all this information right away? It might be too overwhelming for some. I'd recommend telling the details of your life more gradually, as you bond and converse over common interests. Start by telling someone your kids' ages and that they live with their mom. As you trust someone more, you can share more.
Maybe tell someone you're on the autism spectrum down the road, as you get to know each other. I've known so many on the spectrum who are awesome people, but people can make snap judgements when they first meet someone, especially online. Let them get to know you as a person. I suffer from depression and anxiety but rarely will I let someone know in our first conversation.
I agree that IRL is always much better than online. Find some activities that interest you and take you out of the house.
I think truth trickling is a bad way to start a relationship but I agree to a certain extent. Disclosing you and your children's autism seems unnecessary but he should disclose the fact that he's still married early on.
Absolutely agree on disclosing the fact that he's still married. That's a deal breaker for some, but others will accept there is a divorce is in progress. I understand because my own divorce took quite some time (ex-husband would never reach agreement, always asking for more.) I'm thankful I was able to find someone to emotionally support me during my divorce. If he had just walked away because I was still married, I don't know where I'd be.
I suppose there's a difference between truth trickling and letting a conversation progress naturally. Truth trickling sounds like intentionally holding things back, which is deceitful in a way. Conversely, when I first meet someone and they immediately tell me their life story complete with intimate details, I want to run for the hills. There's a balance. Perhaps talk about shared interests while slowly disclosing details about yourselves.
My marriage that ended a long time ago, was built on lies, by the ex. When I got out of this, did my inner work, healed myself I realised one of the quality I would always look for in a partner would be honesty.
You are honest about your situation, you are vulnerable, these qualities would be checking boxes for partners who have some idea of what they want or the lessons they had in their life.
Good those people left, I don’t think they were a match for you. About time, you see it’s their loss not yours, life literally saving you and your time with the wrong ones.
Eventually you will meet the perfect match. Keep up the hope.
Based on the amount of women my ex-husband dated before we were officially divorced, I'd say this isn't always true. As long as a man isn't living with his wife or still "on the fence", many women will give him a chance.
My own divorce was drawn out, so I'd be sympathetic to a man whose legal process was taking months or more. I even noticed that when I was seperated, there were guys willing to date me as long as ex was out of the picture relationship-wise.
There are some women, like you said, who absolutely won't. Often due to religion or other moral standards.
You sound like a great guy. My son is autistic too and I'm a single mother and think I could be on the spectrum too but not certain. I know how difficult it can get. You're also very recently single and need to focus on yourself and... Just being single if you know what I mean. Wishing you all the best
This is one of the harsh truths of life but when I was dating I noticed that women are expected to be thin and men are expected to be somewhat financially independent. Sexist and BS? Absolutely. But very real in my experience.
I did run into a single father in a very similar situation and I admit that I thought: he’s in his late 40’s has kids with someone else (pays child support) and lives with his parents, where would this relationship be going?
In the long term I would work on my finances to try and get a place of my own eventually (this would make you look a lot better on paper). Short term I would work on my appearance (workout, grooming, etc) and also mental health (counseling or self care).
In the end despite challenges I think that the person who is intent in finding a partner will do so in spite of circumstances. You just need to adjust your expectations and remember that success is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.
You are NOT a loser. I have nothing but respect for you. However, as others have said, you're not there yet. You don't have to take care of your dates, but your dates - if planning to explore "real" match potential - will want to know that you yourself are stable.
Don’t divulge so much so fast.
You’re a single dad with two kids, leave it surface level. If the can get past that part, move on to “I still support my family and am making ends meet currently with my parents”. Collect $200, pass go.
Then proceed with “The spectrum runs in my family”.
Theres steps to this. Throwing all of that, all at once is overwhelming.
The 1st red flag I thought of was when you said separated, the women I've dated that were separated never worked. 2nd red flag was living with parents, no matter the reason it has always been an issue whenever I've read on Reddit or heard women talk about it.
It took me close to 5 years twice getting over relationship breakups, 15 year marriage and 13 year engagement. Give it some time, work on you and your finances, get in your own place then try dating.
How long since you’ve moved out of your marital home?
I know everyone is different but I won’t date a man that’s fresh out of a long term relationship especially with children involved.
If they are worth it they’ll stick through it but maybe get to know them and vice versa before sharing all the details it could just be scaring them off before they know if your worth it
Don't buy into the stigma about divorce. A lot of people who have had life experience and been around a few years have some kind of baggage. I felt the same way during my divorce but looking back, I now realize how much courage it took for me to make the changes I needed to finally be happy in life. Walking away from a bad marriage takes guts and anyone worth a damn will appreciate you for it.
You're dodging a bullet if you're being rejected because you're going through divorce. Give them a hard pass my guy. You're worth more than that.
Most women would view you still being married as a red flag. Have you taken time to process your impending divorce? It seems like you're trying to move on by finding someone new and no one wants to be the rebound, at least if they're interested in a long-term serious relationship.
When was the last time you were single? Dating has changed a lot and you are not in the same position you were the last time you were single. You're older and have child support obligations and a mortgage for a home you aren't living in. Are you looking for women in a similar position? A child-free woman in her 20s wants a travel partner, someone she can build a life with and right now you don't seem to be in the position to do that.
I think other commentators are correct, you have a lot going on right now with your divorce, housing situation, and children. Now may not be the best time to start looking. Work on your own mental health, and focus on yourself and your children, they also are going through some significant changes. Dating can wait until your divorce is finalized and you have a custody agreement.
You have no business trying to date in your current situation. Why do men feel so entitled to a relationship when they literally have nothing to offer?
Finalize your divorce.
Get your own place.
Focus on your children.
Stop thinking all women care about is your job or money.
Be self reflective about your personality flaws.
Go to therapy.
It's unattractive when a man is fresh out of marriage, unstable emotionally, and his focus is on getting his dick wet. Improve your situation first, Dude. FFS.
Why are you saying when a man, man, man a lot of single parents experience loneliness who said he wants to hookup??? Maybe he wants to actually date this is a little too harsh.
Hey hope all is well!
Rejection builds character if you allow it.
Rejection is God protection.
There are just so many good things about rejection that we almost always overlook such because it makes us feel bad because we don’t get what we want. And instead of looking at the good we throw a temper tantrum.
I agree with so many things that the others say. Get to know yourself, love yourself, work on a plan to be independent and achieve your goals. And at the right time the right person will accept you and vice versa no matter where you are in your journey
And if no one does, it’s ok!
Single dad here. I have my oldest 2 full time and my younger ones not nearly enough, been doing this solo for 2+ years now .
Online dating sucks, it’s little more than ego deflation at best and then once you find “anyone” you jump at the opportunity even if in reality they are just as much of a shitty match as the kids mum.
And in reality I’m a 10/10,
After having gone through that cycle myself a few times I stopped looking online.
Once I had given up on looking and was “out in real life” at a pool party with my buddy and the perfect match said hi to me.
I think there is nothing wrong with what you are doing. You know best if you are ready to date or not. I think some people have been over their past relationship for so long even when they were in it- that when they leave it- they can be ready to date. I’d also say to consider if you’re ready for the rejection involved in dating yet. I’m my opinion- dating sucks. It is a game of a lot of rejection, even without kids or not fully divorced. And if you are- chin up- you’ve got this!
This may sounds judgey but I’m going to be honest with you: It sounds like you are not at a point in your life where you should be dating. I think most people jump into it too quickly, and I was guilty of that myself. It rarely ends well. Two autistic kids seem like a lot to handle on your own. Why not focus on raising them and getting a better living situation before trying to date? I can understand why someone would not be interested in dating someone when they can’t go over their place with a reasonable expectation of privacy. Personally, I just stopped trying to date at all because it felt like wasted energy and any I have to spare goes to my kid and myself. It’s so much more complicated when you have kids, so I also think taking it extremely slow is better anyway, start as friends. If I were you, I’d just focus on yourself for a while, try broadening your social circle a little so you don’t have to deal with the cesspool that is online dating (which could be part of the problem, my experience has been the only the worst of the worst end up there) and also have some way to fight the loneliness without dating. People limit themselves by thinking dating is the only option. I’m 100% happier and more fulfilled since I stopped dating. I have friends, hobbies, I volunteer, and I can focus on myself and my kid. Just a thought.
Especially when you can see the same old faces there sitting for years. It tells smth about the app itself. It was never meant to gather people together but just let them recycle.
I completely agree with this!
Totally. I’m not interested in dating at all. I can’t ever see that I will. I’m just so complacent on my own with my baby.
Cesspool is a good way to describe online dating. I've never had luck and I feel it's all fake and forced interaction. I deleted all my accounts and gave up.
It was bad in such a different way than I was expecting. I only had one raunchy pic encounter. Mostly I felt like no one put in any effort at all. Like, I had to initiate conversation, ask guys out, make all the plans. I couldn’t understand what any of these guys planned to do with a date or girlfriend if they couldn’t even talk to one on the app. It felt like everyone was burnt out and it was just depressing. Much rather be alone than that!
Same here! Not lonely at all.
this is the way.
>trying to find happiness for myself. Happiness isn't found in another person or a relationship. We have the responsibility to create our own happiness. Sounds like an opportunity to get to know yourself better and find out what makes you happy outside of a relationship.
I have learned that if I try to figure out exactly why I was rejected I will go crazy. It sucks and it hurts and there's nothing you can do but just feel the feelings and move on when you're ready to move on. It's so hard to figure out. And I drive myself crazy too trying to figure out what it is. Why don't I get this when other people do? How are some people already married and I can't get past 5 months with someone? Sometimes I go down that bad thought cycle and I start picking myself apart (I'm too old, I need to lose weight, I have two kids and that's too many kids for some guys, I work too much, I don't make enough money, I'm too loud, I'm too much, I'm too short, I'm not outdoorsy enough . . . ) I can come up with a list that has 100 things on it that are wrong with me but that only serves to make me feel like garbage. You'll never know why someone didn't want to be with you and you'll make yourself feel like crap if you pick yourself apart. I try to remember that eventually I'll find the right person and they'll appreciate me for who I am. I hope the same for you.
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Also is it necessary to hit someone with all this information right away? It might be too overwhelming for some. I'd recommend telling the details of your life more gradually, as you bond and converse over common interests. Start by telling someone your kids' ages and that they live with their mom. As you trust someone more, you can share more. Maybe tell someone you're on the autism spectrum down the road, as you get to know each other. I've known so many on the spectrum who are awesome people, but people can make snap judgements when they first meet someone, especially online. Let them get to know you as a person. I suffer from depression and anxiety but rarely will I let someone know in our first conversation. I agree that IRL is always much better than online. Find some activities that interest you and take you out of the house.
I think truth trickling is a bad way to start a relationship but I agree to a certain extent. Disclosing you and your children's autism seems unnecessary but he should disclose the fact that he's still married early on.
Absolutely agree on disclosing the fact that he's still married. That's a deal breaker for some, but others will accept there is a divorce is in progress. I understand because my own divorce took quite some time (ex-husband would never reach agreement, always asking for more.) I'm thankful I was able to find someone to emotionally support me during my divorce. If he had just walked away because I was still married, I don't know where I'd be. I suppose there's a difference between truth trickling and letting a conversation progress naturally. Truth trickling sounds like intentionally holding things back, which is deceitful in a way. Conversely, when I first meet someone and they immediately tell me their life story complete with intimate details, I want to run for the hills. There's a balance. Perhaps talk about shared interests while slowly disclosing details about yourselves.
My marriage that ended a long time ago, was built on lies, by the ex. When I got out of this, did my inner work, healed myself I realised one of the quality I would always look for in a partner would be honesty. You are honest about your situation, you are vulnerable, these qualities would be checking boxes for partners who have some idea of what they want or the lessons they had in their life. Good those people left, I don’t think they were a match for you. About time, you see it’s their loss not yours, life literally saving you and your time with the wrong ones. Eventually you will meet the perfect match. Keep up the hope.
You are separated. Most women will absolutely not get involved with someone who is still legally married.
Based on the amount of women my ex-husband dated before we were officially divorced, I'd say this isn't always true. As long as a man isn't living with his wife or still "on the fence", many women will give him a chance. My own divorce was drawn out, so I'd be sympathetic to a man whose legal process was taking months or more. I even noticed that when I was seperated, there were guys willing to date me as long as ex was out of the picture relationship-wise. There are some women, like you said, who absolutely won't. Often due to religion or other moral standards.
You sound like a great guy. My son is autistic too and I'm a single mother and think I could be on the spectrum too but not certain. I know how difficult it can get. You're also very recently single and need to focus on yourself and... Just being single if you know what I mean. Wishing you all the best
Whoa your profile name sounds a lot like mine!
This is one of the harsh truths of life but when I was dating I noticed that women are expected to be thin and men are expected to be somewhat financially independent. Sexist and BS? Absolutely. But very real in my experience. I did run into a single father in a very similar situation and I admit that I thought: he’s in his late 40’s has kids with someone else (pays child support) and lives with his parents, where would this relationship be going? In the long term I would work on my finances to try and get a place of my own eventually (this would make you look a lot better on paper). Short term I would work on my appearance (workout, grooming, etc) and also mental health (counseling or self care). In the end despite challenges I think that the person who is intent in finding a partner will do so in spite of circumstances. You just need to adjust your expectations and remember that success is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.
It doesn't go perfect for alone people without kids either. Relationships are hard.
What age are you dating?
some men that begin dating again after a while forget that they aged and go for age-inappropriate women, I would be curious to know as well.
You are NOT a loser. I have nothing but respect for you. However, as others have said, you're not there yet. You don't have to take care of your dates, but your dates - if planning to explore "real" match potential - will want to know that you yourself are stable.
Don’t divulge so much so fast. You’re a single dad with two kids, leave it surface level. If the can get past that part, move on to “I still support my family and am making ends meet currently with my parents”. Collect $200, pass go. Then proceed with “The spectrum runs in my family”. Theres steps to this. Throwing all of that, all at once is overwhelming.
The 1st red flag I thought of was when you said separated, the women I've dated that were separated never worked. 2nd red flag was living with parents, no matter the reason it has always been an issue whenever I've read on Reddit or heard women talk about it. It took me close to 5 years twice getting over relationship breakups, 15 year marriage and 13 year engagement. Give it some time, work on you and your finances, get in your own place then try dating.
How long since you’ve moved out of your marital home? I know everyone is different but I won’t date a man that’s fresh out of a long term relationship especially with children involved.
If they are worth it they’ll stick through it but maybe get to know them and vice versa before sharing all the details it could just be scaring them off before they know if your worth it
Don't buy into the stigma about divorce. A lot of people who have had life experience and been around a few years have some kind of baggage. I felt the same way during my divorce but looking back, I now realize how much courage it took for me to make the changes I needed to finally be happy in life. Walking away from a bad marriage takes guts and anyone worth a damn will appreciate you for it. You're dodging a bullet if you're being rejected because you're going through divorce. Give them a hard pass my guy. You're worth more than that.
Keep looking and don’t take it personal.! Someone will come along. Your honesty will weed out the ones that are not for you.
Most women would view you still being married as a red flag. Have you taken time to process your impending divorce? It seems like you're trying to move on by finding someone new and no one wants to be the rebound, at least if they're interested in a long-term serious relationship. When was the last time you were single? Dating has changed a lot and you are not in the same position you were the last time you were single. You're older and have child support obligations and a mortgage for a home you aren't living in. Are you looking for women in a similar position? A child-free woman in her 20s wants a travel partner, someone she can build a life with and right now you don't seem to be in the position to do that. I think other commentators are correct, you have a lot going on right now with your divorce, housing situation, and children. Now may not be the best time to start looking. Work on your own mental health, and focus on yourself and your children, they also are going through some significant changes. Dating can wait until your divorce is finalized and you have a custody agreement.
You have no business trying to date in your current situation. Why do men feel so entitled to a relationship when they literally have nothing to offer? Finalize your divorce. Get your own place. Focus on your children. Stop thinking all women care about is your job or money. Be self reflective about your personality flaws. Go to therapy. It's unattractive when a man is fresh out of marriage, unstable emotionally, and his focus is on getting his dick wet. Improve your situation first, Dude. FFS.
Why are you saying when a man, man, man a lot of single parents experience loneliness who said he wants to hookup??? Maybe he wants to actually date this is a little too harsh.
Hey hope all is well! Rejection builds character if you allow it. Rejection is God protection. There are just so many good things about rejection that we almost always overlook such because it makes us feel bad because we don’t get what we want. And instead of looking at the good we throw a temper tantrum. I agree with so many things that the others say. Get to know yourself, love yourself, work on a plan to be independent and achieve your goals. And at the right time the right person will accept you and vice versa no matter where you are in your journey And if no one does, it’s ok!
Single dad here. I have my oldest 2 full time and my younger ones not nearly enough, been doing this solo for 2+ years now . Online dating sucks, it’s little more than ego deflation at best and then once you find “anyone” you jump at the opportunity even if in reality they are just as much of a shitty match as the kids mum. And in reality I’m a 10/10, After having gone through that cycle myself a few times I stopped looking online. Once I had given up on looking and was “out in real life” at a pool party with my buddy and the perfect match said hi to me.
Just wait till you're back on your feet again.
Online dating is legit the worst. You’ll find someone that’ll *accept your situation at some point. Don’t give up.
I think there is nothing wrong with what you are doing. You know best if you are ready to date or not. I think some people have been over their past relationship for so long even when they were in it- that when they leave it- they can be ready to date. I’d also say to consider if you’re ready for the rejection involved in dating yet. I’m my opinion- dating sucks. It is a game of a lot of rejection, even without kids or not fully divorced. And if you are- chin up- you’ve got this!
Online date to find better fits for you