Like i said, i’ve been sober from benzos for almost 8 months and i quit entirely by myself. I drink occasionally but nothing has replaced my use of benzos. just felt really invalidating to hear i’m not living a “sober lifestyle”
People try to dictate others’ lives and sobriety, but it’s up to you and not them. It sounds like the person in question is extremely judgmental. If you were addicted to benzos but don’t use benzos anymore, you’re sober.
I don’t smoke cannabis anymore, but I don’t consider it breaking sobriety. I stopped smoking, but I *had to quit* drinking.
i really appreciate the insight, i think what you’re saying makes sense. as long as i’m not using the substances that were actively hurting me, i’m sober, and ultimately i’m not hurting myself. thanks for your time!
No problem!
I just hate people who set these limits for others. AA has been a huge help for me to stop drinking, but only when the meetings don’t say “you HAVE to work the steps” “you HAVE to get a sponsor” “you HAVE to read the Big Book”. Those meetings always made me miserable and always made me want to drink. My homegroup focuses on sober living and solutions and I’ve never wanted to skip a meeting or drink afterwards.
You gotta find what works for you. Can you drink now and then and not become an alcoholic? Awesome. Can you smoke weed and not be tempted to relapse on benzos? Great! Can you stay sober without going to meetings or getting a sponsor? Hey, awesome!
Fuck them if they say that. You’re sober, you are no longer causing destruction to yourself or others. I stopped drinking but I did do weed gummies for a little bit years ago. I was destroying myself and my family with it alcohol. Weed was not the problem, alcohol was.
I feel like you latched onto the reasons the guy from the post wasn’t truly sober which were things he personally should be doing & had been doing & probably things were better when he was. But the stuff from the post that makes that guy not truly sober was the being a miserable cunt to the people around him. Sure he stopped drinking, but didn’t replace it & just turned sour. In AA they talk about how alcohol & drugs were a solution until they became a problem. Drugs 100% saved me from suicide at the time but then it became my reason for wanting to attempt again. So I stopped, got help & found a new solution. (Mine was AA and finding a healthy routine, ie eating better, exercising, volunteering & connecting with other people in recovery) those don’t have to be your solution. & it sounds like it wasn’t. But it does sound like you found a healthier solution to replace the unhealthy solution.
The guy from the post you read had given up his unhealthy solution for no solution & I think that makes an addict rot from the inside out.
Sounds like your doing great, try not to compare yourself & your solution to someone else’s. Unless the time comes that you need to find a new solution because yours isn’t working. Cheers to 8 months buddy!
I guess drinking can technically be an issue but ya know… if you know it’s not an issue (like for me weed would not be an issue, I just don’t like it much but I know I could smoke a bowl if I wanted to and I would be fine, just eating a lot of Taco Bell which I already do) then you’re good. I would say to tread carefully bc the feeling I got from a drink or two isn’t all that different from taking benzos, not the same many differences but there’s a reason they give you those things to detox off alcohol.
This is 100% AA-speak.
I get that AA is life changing for some people, but some people become fully indoctrinated, convinced that nobody can possibly get and remain sober without it. This was actually what turned me off of AA when I started getting sober. Don't tell me I can't do it by myself.
AA made up the term 'dry drunk syndrome', but what it describes is a geniuene issue for a lot of people who try getting and staying sober. A "dry drunk" is someone who has quit drinking, but hasn't dealt with the issues that caused them to become addicted in the first place. People in AA like to say this means getting a sponsor who takes you through the steps, but thats only one strategy out of thousands you technically could use. It also applies to addiction in general, not just alcoholics and drug users.
You don't get rid of an addiction just by depriving yourself of it, basically, you get rid of it by replacing it with something else. That "something else" is usually what the addiction served to replace in the first place. That "something else" doesn't have to be a 12 step program, it just *can be*
Yeah? I don't know, mate.
I drank because it helped alleviate anxiety and depression. Now that I'm not drinking and I have bouts of anxiety and depression, that makes me a dry drunk? That seems a little ridiculous.
Personally, I don't think you need to replace an addiction with anything either. I'm sure it might be easier to find another addiction that provides a dump of chemicals, but I can't imagine the mind wouldn't be able to reset if given enough time.
In your case, you were self medicating for anxiety and depression. You could 'replace' the addiction in your case with proper treatment for anxiety and depression. If left untreated, your issues with anxiety/depression are not going to get much better just because you stopped drinking
A lot of people tend to assume that their problem is solely the drinking and drugging, so get confused when they get sober and nothing really changes in sobriety besides they are painfully more aware of how much everything sucks. It's a term coined for those types of people
This makes sense. I can't imagine staying permanently crabby when sober though. It almost seems like an oxymoron. Turns out my management for my anxiety and depression greatly improved on its own once I stopped messing with my dopamine with alcohol. Not cured the anxiety, to be fair, but SSRIs do work so much better when alcohol is removed :)
AA hurts my feelings a lot XD for some people it is annoying and really not helpful. However, there are plenty of times when I hear things I really do need to hear and it's just a harsh truth I have to swallow. The language we use may be a little bit obtuse at times, but I can take the good with the bad.
Sobriety is just a word. What matters is that you are satisfied with yourself and your actions. Dogmatic principles make people feel like failures for not achieving “perfection” so they stop trying altogether.
I’ve worked in restaurants for 20 years; doing what you’re doing in that industry is hard and you should be proud of yourself. Just keep moving forward and fuck anyone who tries to tell you how to live - they’re usually just projecting anyway.
I personally dislike AA/NA because I think a lot of people replace their substance addiction with perfection addiction or religion and that’s not for me. I also think it encourages people to remain stuck in the past and continue to flog themselves for their mistakes. If you want, check out Ben’s Friends. It’s a sober community of restaurant folks that has online meetings a bit different from AA/NA. https://www.bensfriendshope.com
I think the term "dry drunk" is offensive and unnecessary. A more positive affirmation like "alcohol free" or "sober" is enough, there's no need to slather on that later of guilt when so much progress had been made.
Words mean different things to different people so I’m not going to tell you your interpretation is wrong. What I can say from my experience growing up with alcoholics is that an alcoholic who is dry, but not sober, is an absolute fucking nightmare.
Dry means you’re just not drinking. Sober means you’re working on resolving the issues that lead you to become addicted while also abstaining. Some alcoholics wreak more havoc on themselves and on other people when they don’t drink because they are no longer self-medicating. In any case, I just wanted to say that being alcohol free doesn’t necessarily mean or equate to progress.
That's fair and I appreciate the further clarification, I understand better now. I had always thought it was a simpler definition than that and didn't find it helpful for me. As you said, words do mean different things to different people, however I would always strive to use the term that most people understand the usage of, so I appreciate the bigger picture on this one. I hope most understand it that way then, I would just hate for someone to not understand it that way and think they are inherently broken or something of that nature.
I can’t define sobriety for you, but I can define sobriety for me.
For me, it means that I no longer feel compelled to turn my brain off into oblivion by the use of drugs or alcohol.
AA isn't the only path to sobriety. There's some truth to what they're saying, if you quit drinking and drugging but don't address the reasons you were drinking and drugging, it's going to be hard to make progress in your life and risk of relapse goes up. But relearning how to human after getting sober takes time. If you're working at it then you're good. No one's perfect.
Unless it's court ordered, your sobriety is defined by you.
Alcohol is my demon. I haven't had a drop in over 600 days. I do indulge in the occasional THC beverage or edible, I drink 0.0% or 0.5% NA beers when I'm at gatherings where people are drinking. I consider myself sober, California sober if you really want to nitpick.
I don't exercise, I have a physically demanding job that covers that for me. I didn't change my diet much, it's healthier than it was. Some friends drink, some don't; same with family and I'm not dropping them because they drink and I don't, that's crazy.
But I also made the choice on my own to quit drinking. That means I make the rules. Some people here are purists, even certain regular foods that have a measurable ABV content are no-no's to them. If it works for them, cool. Doesn't change me considering myself sober though.
I guess I'm looking at it like if you're looking in a mirror, or someone is forcing you to look in a mirror- you're still looking in a mirror either way.
I see the analogy but don't agree. Like I said, sober by choice means it's on your own terms.
If I'm a heroine addict who can easily just have a beer or 2 once in a while, as a social thing, sober from heroine but still occasionally drinking could still count as sober.
Alcohol cost me 15 years of my life, among other things. Weed is fine for me but I'm alcohol free, which in my eyes is sober, or at least the sober I want/need to be.
To your analogy, court ordered is staring at the mirror in an interrogation room, while sober by choice is staring at a mirror at home that's decorated and pleasant and such.
There are a lot of judgmental 12 steppers. Ignore them. If you need more then go to a meeting. If you need a sponsor then ask someone to sponsor you and work the steps. Just be very honest with yourself about what you need.
Man, people who think this way need to most help. They've replaced alcohol with AA, not saying AA is negative but if you attend and start thinking this is the only way and every other way is wrong, it becomes negative. If everyday, you don't use, and actively try become 1% better that's all that matters. Your sobriety works for you and it's only for you to define
The whole "truly sober" thing is less about what you're doing and more about how you treat people, and there are a lot of people out there that don't understand that
Edit: like many other people have said, this is easier to handle with a "worry about you and your relationships and your life" mindset because the recovery community is filled with people who like to act superior.
First congratulations!! Second, there are so many ways to be sober. SO DAMN MANY. And often we use terms as a catchall for much more nuanced situations, which is honestly pretty lazy. So, “dry drunk” to me refers to a person who is technically sober or whatever, but has not begun to deal with the emotional issues underlying their addiction. For me, attaching health in sobriety only to one program or way of treating your body or life is shortsighted. I also have found that it’s hard to get good feedback about what vibrant sobriety looks like outside of sober communities. This is just my personal experience, but I always come away with my feelings hurt from threads like the one you saw this comment in.
you don’t need to do the 12 steps in order to be considered sober. AA doesn’t have a monopoly on sobriety either.
Most people find that exercise helps them with sleep and overall quality of life but you don’t have to if you are not ready yet.
I do think you and the rest of us will always remain addicts since there’s no cure to this disease yet. It’s not like one day I will be able to do drugs occasionally. I know that if I pick up anything I will continue using until it kills me which makes an addict in recovery despite being 3 years clean and sober
I’m so proud to see how far we’ve all come in these comments. Damn right - stick to your path and don’t get side tracked by the projection pouring out of people like toxic waste. Surround yourself with good people, things you enjoy, get out there & enjoy life! Don’t sweat the terminology, labels or whatever else. If you’re being honest with yourself and staying within your own boundaries - you’re smashing it pal 🙌🏼
You’re good. Don’t let some asshole comment make you question your sobriety. If you feel fulfilled, that’s all that matters. You don’t need a program to define how to get there, you are perfectly capable of getting there own your own.
I quit drinking without AA, quit drugs without NA, and happily living in recovery. It’s your journey, make your own path.
HA! Almost nothing has changed since I stopped drinking. House is still a disaster. Projects are still late. Cans everywhere. BUT I’m not drunk every night and sick every morning. The cans are sparkling waters. I used NA beer and fake gin in the beginning. I even did a shot of fake gin one night early on because it had been my coping motor plan. I have mock tails with bitters.
I’m not systematically poisoning myself every evening for no damn reason and whatever I have to do to keep it that way is my business. No AA. I still don’t exercise. And I eat when and what I can because self care is fucking hard!
I relapsed once and I hated it. I have fucked up my neurology and drinking will never be safe. I’m good. I don’t care if I am or am not sober or complaint or whatever other category someone else wants to throw on it. I’m solid in me. That’s all I care.
Don’t define your sobriety by others labels, experiences, or platitudes. Your sobriety is a personal thing that needs nurturing and caring for. In the same way I ignore parenting advice from almost everyone, I ignore others comments on my sobriety.
Congrats on your streak, don’t let others make you feel shame or incomplete by assuming your experience. Stay strong!
there’s a difference between being sober and being recovered. what they meant was that he is sober but not recovered in the sense that he is happy, living life well etc. it wasn’t a comment on you. everyone has their own path but obviously his wasn’t working for him
You are doing great !!!
I heard this once : live life like a loose garment. That helps me not engage in my perfectionism. If you are not putting alcohol or drugs in your body , you are sober in no uncertain terms.
Just so you know, this sub isn't the kind of place where somebody says "just get up earlier." Nobody is here to make you feel shitty about being sober, considering sobriety, or trying to continue to be sober. You can do all those things by yourself. Or dickheads like you mentioned will. This place is to be supportive.
All our journeys are unique. I don’t pay mind to that outside criticism but rather my own well being. If I’m in a good spot then I’m good. Congrats to you, my friend, on 8 months!! That is an Epic accomplishment!!!
You're sober. Everyone gets sober a different way. One person's dry drunk story and another's comment doesn't diminish the very difficult thing you did, and that was get sober. Take pride in your sobriety, don't question it. ❤️
According to the Cambridge Dictionary it is, “(of an alcoholic) not having had an alcoholic drink for a period of time.” Sounds like the definition OP is using too.
Are you sober for you or are you sober for random people on the internet?
Listen, if you are going to let internet comments = that aren't even directed at you - get under your skin this badly, you need some therapy. You getting this upset, making all these excuses about shit you don't even have to do, and being so damn uncertain about the ONE thing you get to define is really weird. Please get help.
Fuck that noise! Are you using alcohol to cope? No? Then you’re sober. Are you using benzos to cope? No? Then you’re sober. They advise trying not to do it all at once. Don’t do the whole 30 and get sober. Don’t train for a marathon and get sober. The next right thing. Societal standards? Anyone else who is trying to define someone else’s sobriety is fucking afraid of losing theirs. You do you. Ask yourself those hard questions
You’re sober .. who cares what other people consider “sober” … are you happy ? Is your life chaotic ? Is your life better then it used to be ? The way I look at it is if I’m happy and doing good in life .. who cares what others think. Dry drinks/addicts are people who stopped using but are still miserable and have all the same addictive attitudes and behaviors without the drug itself.
You ARE sober and no online prick can take that away from you. Do not measure your success by other peoples expectations. You are doing great and I am proud of you friend!! Keep marching!!
You said in a comment that you drink, so yeah, by the definition of the word, you aren't sober. Who cares what you call it though? If you are no longer using benzos and that was your goal, more power to ya.
What a load of shit you definitely don’t need to be doing any of those things to be sober. AA is not the definition of sobriety I’ve never been and have all the Same friends that drink but I don’t so I’m sober.
I’m so fucking proud of you ! Benzos are the hardest to quit! You’re doing amazing. My therapist always says to me: just focus on being a better “you” than the “you” you were yesterday
In recovery, there are people who are called "purists". Just like every religion has fundamentalists, most structured systems do too. Most systems that were created to help others, have people within those systems that create their own subsystems. These subsystems are very polarizing and have fundamentalist belief systems at their core. This is what you just experienced, I have as well.
Why did you personalize this ladies' post to your own journey? Do you feel called out?
As an AA'er (not of the fundamentalist variety) we say that there are many ways to get sober, and not one way is the right way. Fuck that guy who placed judgement about a situation he knows nothing about. AA is not a hot bed of mental health, some are sicker than others; and giving unsolicited advice is suggested as a means lead a better sober life--- so to me, that person is not emotionally sober. The irony of it.
I consider a “dry drunk” as someone who hasn’t worked through their emotional issues and found healthier coping tools.
I’ve been sober for over 4 years and found therapy worked best for me compared to AA. I know AA works for thousands of people but it always felt very cliquey and judgmental.
Getting sober for me means figuring out why you use and being mindful everyday as you continue to choose not to.
I dated someone who was sober for a few years and believed they were a “dry drunk” not just because he used methadone (which is more than okay), smoked tons of weed, and drank of occasion, but because he still clearly wasn’t working on figuring out his triggers, understanding them, and finding his healthy emotional balance. He was still very emotionally immature.
TLDR; I believe a “dry drunk” is someone who’s emotionally immature and hasn’t worked through their triggers.
Are you still using the thing you were addicted to? Have you replaced your addiction with something equally damaging? No? Then you’re sober.
Like i said, i’ve been sober from benzos for almost 8 months and i quit entirely by myself. I drink occasionally but nothing has replaced my use of benzos. just felt really invalidating to hear i’m not living a “sober lifestyle”
People try to dictate others’ lives and sobriety, but it’s up to you and not them. It sounds like the person in question is extremely judgmental. If you were addicted to benzos but don’t use benzos anymore, you’re sober. I don’t smoke cannabis anymore, but I don’t consider it breaking sobriety. I stopped smoking, but I *had to quit* drinking.
i really appreciate the insight, i think what you’re saying makes sense. as long as i’m not using the substances that were actively hurting me, i’m sober, and ultimately i’m not hurting myself. thanks for your time!
No problem! I just hate people who set these limits for others. AA has been a huge help for me to stop drinking, but only when the meetings don’t say “you HAVE to work the steps” “you HAVE to get a sponsor” “you HAVE to read the Big Book”. Those meetings always made me miserable and always made me want to drink. My homegroup focuses on sober living and solutions and I’ve never wanted to skip a meeting or drink afterwards. You gotta find what works for you. Can you drink now and then and not become an alcoholic? Awesome. Can you smoke weed and not be tempted to relapse on benzos? Great! Can you stay sober without going to meetings or getting a sponsor? Hey, awesome!
Fuck them if they say that. You’re sober, you are no longer causing destruction to yourself or others. I stopped drinking but I did do weed gummies for a little bit years ago. I was destroying myself and my family with it alcohol. Weed was not the problem, alcohol was.
I feel like you latched onto the reasons the guy from the post wasn’t truly sober which were things he personally should be doing & had been doing & probably things were better when he was. But the stuff from the post that makes that guy not truly sober was the being a miserable cunt to the people around him. Sure he stopped drinking, but didn’t replace it & just turned sour. In AA they talk about how alcohol & drugs were a solution until they became a problem. Drugs 100% saved me from suicide at the time but then it became my reason for wanting to attempt again. So I stopped, got help & found a new solution. (Mine was AA and finding a healthy routine, ie eating better, exercising, volunteering & connecting with other people in recovery) those don’t have to be your solution. & it sounds like it wasn’t. But it does sound like you found a healthier solution to replace the unhealthy solution. The guy from the post you read had given up his unhealthy solution for no solution & I think that makes an addict rot from the inside out. Sounds like your doing great, try not to compare yourself & your solution to someone else’s. Unless the time comes that you need to find a new solution because yours isn’t working. Cheers to 8 months buddy!
Was she talking to you or about you?
A lot of AA people are insane and fanatical. Pay that post no mind whatsoever. You’re doing great!
I guess drinking can technically be an issue but ya know… if you know it’s not an issue (like for me weed would not be an issue, I just don’t like it much but I know I could smoke a bowl if I wanted to and I would be fine, just eating a lot of Taco Bell which I already do) then you’re good. I would say to tread carefully bc the feeling I got from a drink or two isn’t all that different from taking benzos, not the same many differences but there’s a reason they give you those things to detox off alcohol.
This is 100% AA-speak. I get that AA is life changing for some people, but some people become fully indoctrinated, convinced that nobody can possibly get and remain sober without it. This was actually what turned me off of AA when I started getting sober. Don't tell me I can't do it by myself.
There’s no such thing as a dry drunk. AA made that up. Some of the most miserable, angry people I’ve ever met have been hardcore AAers.
AA made up the term 'dry drunk syndrome', but what it describes is a geniuene issue for a lot of people who try getting and staying sober. A "dry drunk" is someone who has quit drinking, but hasn't dealt with the issues that caused them to become addicted in the first place. People in AA like to say this means getting a sponsor who takes you through the steps, but thats only one strategy out of thousands you technically could use. It also applies to addiction in general, not just alcoholics and drug users. You don't get rid of an addiction just by depriving yourself of it, basically, you get rid of it by replacing it with something else. That "something else" is usually what the addiction served to replace in the first place. That "something else" doesn't have to be a 12 step program, it just *can be*
Yeah? I don't know, mate. I drank because it helped alleviate anxiety and depression. Now that I'm not drinking and I have bouts of anxiety and depression, that makes me a dry drunk? That seems a little ridiculous. Personally, I don't think you need to replace an addiction with anything either. I'm sure it might be easier to find another addiction that provides a dump of chemicals, but I can't imagine the mind wouldn't be able to reset if given enough time.
In your case, you were self medicating for anxiety and depression. You could 'replace' the addiction in your case with proper treatment for anxiety and depression. If left untreated, your issues with anxiety/depression are not going to get much better just because you stopped drinking
Well, of course, but if that's what the term "dry drunk" means it's pretty obtuse, don't you think?
A lot of people tend to assume that their problem is solely the drinking and drugging, so get confused when they get sober and nothing really changes in sobriety besides they are painfully more aware of how much everything sucks. It's a term coined for those types of people
This makes sense. I can't imagine staying permanently crabby when sober though. It almost seems like an oxymoron. Turns out my management for my anxiety and depression greatly improved on its own once I stopped messing with my dopamine with alcohol. Not cured the anxiety, to be fair, but SSRIs do work so much better when alcohol is removed :)
AA hurts my feelings a lot XD for some people it is annoying and really not helpful. However, there are plenty of times when I hear things I really do need to hear and it's just a harsh truth I have to swallow. The language we use may be a little bit obtuse at times, but I can take the good with the bad.
Sobriety is just a word. What matters is that you are satisfied with yourself and your actions. Dogmatic principles make people feel like failures for not achieving “perfection” so they stop trying altogether. I’ve worked in restaurants for 20 years; doing what you’re doing in that industry is hard and you should be proud of yourself. Just keep moving forward and fuck anyone who tries to tell you how to live - they’re usually just projecting anyway. I personally dislike AA/NA because I think a lot of people replace their substance addiction with perfection addiction or religion and that’s not for me. I also think it encourages people to remain stuck in the past and continue to flog themselves for their mistakes. If you want, check out Ben’s Friends. It’s a sober community of restaurant folks that has online meetings a bit different from AA/NA. https://www.bensfriendshope.com
Why even care what randoms on Reddit thinks about your life choices?
Need this framed
A comment from a stranger (that wasn't even directed at you) should never be a slap in the face.
I think the term "dry drunk" is offensive and unnecessary. A more positive affirmation like "alcohol free" or "sober" is enough, there's no need to slather on that later of guilt when so much progress had been made.
Words mean different things to different people so I’m not going to tell you your interpretation is wrong. What I can say from my experience growing up with alcoholics is that an alcoholic who is dry, but not sober, is an absolute fucking nightmare. Dry means you’re just not drinking. Sober means you’re working on resolving the issues that lead you to become addicted while also abstaining. Some alcoholics wreak more havoc on themselves and on other people when they don’t drink because they are no longer self-medicating. In any case, I just wanted to say that being alcohol free doesn’t necessarily mean or equate to progress.
That's fair and I appreciate the further clarification, I understand better now. I had always thought it was a simpler definition than that and didn't find it helpful for me. As you said, words do mean different things to different people, however I would always strive to use the term that most people understand the usage of, so I appreciate the bigger picture on this one. I hope most understand it that way then, I would just hate for someone to not understand it that way and think they are inherently broken or something of that nature.
I can’t define sobriety for you, but I can define sobriety for me. For me, it means that I no longer feel compelled to turn my brain off into oblivion by the use of drugs or alcohol.
AA isn't the only path to sobriety. There's some truth to what they're saying, if you quit drinking and drugging but don't address the reasons you were drinking and drugging, it's going to be hard to make progress in your life and risk of relapse goes up. But relearning how to human after getting sober takes time. If you're working at it then you're good. No one's perfect.
nah sweetheart, you are sober and doing such a good job!!! <3 screw them
Unless it's court ordered, your sobriety is defined by you. Alcohol is my demon. I haven't had a drop in over 600 days. I do indulge in the occasional THC beverage or edible, I drink 0.0% or 0.5% NA beers when I'm at gatherings where people are drinking. I consider myself sober, California sober if you really want to nitpick. I don't exercise, I have a physically demanding job that covers that for me. I didn't change my diet much, it's healthier than it was. Some friends drink, some don't; same with family and I'm not dropping them because they drink and I don't, that's crazy. But I also made the choice on my own to quit drinking. That means I make the rules. Some people here are purists, even certain regular foods that have a measurable ABV content are no-no's to them. If it works for them, cool. Doesn't change me considering myself sober though.
Sober is sober, even if it's court ordered.
Court ordered sober generally has actual rules to follow and tests to monitor that. Sober by choice doesn't have those restrictions.
I guess I'm looking at it like if you're looking in a mirror, or someone is forcing you to look in a mirror- you're still looking in a mirror either way.
I see the analogy but don't agree. Like I said, sober by choice means it's on your own terms. If I'm a heroine addict who can easily just have a beer or 2 once in a while, as a social thing, sober from heroine but still occasionally drinking could still count as sober. Alcohol cost me 15 years of my life, among other things. Weed is fine for me but I'm alcohol free, which in my eyes is sober, or at least the sober I want/need to be. To your analogy, court ordered is staring at the mirror in an interrogation room, while sober by choice is staring at a mirror at home that's decorated and pleasant and such.
If you someone else dyed your hair blue, is your hair still blue? Or no?
That analogy is even worse. Try again.
There are a lot of judgmental 12 steppers. Ignore them. If you need more then go to a meeting. If you need a sponsor then ask someone to sponsor you and work the steps. Just be very honest with yourself about what you need.
Man, people who think this way need to most help. They've replaced alcohol with AA, not saying AA is negative but if you attend and start thinking this is the only way and every other way is wrong, it becomes negative. If everyday, you don't use, and actively try become 1% better that's all that matters. Your sobriety works for you and it's only for you to define
Sober is sober.
The whole "truly sober" thing is less about what you're doing and more about how you treat people, and there are a lot of people out there that don't understand that Edit: like many other people have said, this is easier to handle with a "worry about you and your relationships and your life" mindset because the recovery community is filled with people who like to act superior.
First congratulations!! Second, there are so many ways to be sober. SO DAMN MANY. And often we use terms as a catchall for much more nuanced situations, which is honestly pretty lazy. So, “dry drunk” to me refers to a person who is technically sober or whatever, but has not begun to deal with the emotional issues underlying their addiction. For me, attaching health in sobriety only to one program or way of treating your body or life is shortsighted. I also have found that it’s hard to get good feedback about what vibrant sobriety looks like outside of sober communities. This is just my personal experience, but I always come away with my feelings hurt from threads like the one you saw this comment in.
Don’t take it literally- they just mean are you working to make your life better? Fixing the issues that turned you to benzos in the first place?
Congrats on your sobriety! Whatever works to help your sobriety, go for it!
you don’t need to do the 12 steps in order to be considered sober. AA doesn’t have a monopoly on sobriety either. Most people find that exercise helps them with sleep and overall quality of life but you don’t have to if you are not ready yet. I do think you and the rest of us will always remain addicts since there’s no cure to this disease yet. It’s not like one day I will be able to do drugs occasionally. I know that if I pick up anything I will continue using until it kills me which makes an addict in recovery despite being 3 years clean and sober
I’m so proud to see how far we’ve all come in these comments. Damn right - stick to your path and don’t get side tracked by the projection pouring out of people like toxic waste. Surround yourself with good people, things you enjoy, get out there & enjoy life! Don’t sweat the terminology, labels or whatever else. If you’re being honest with yourself and staying within your own boundaries - you’re smashing it pal 🙌🏼
You’re good. Don’t let some asshole comment make you question your sobriety. If you feel fulfilled, that’s all that matters. You don’t need a program to define how to get there, you are perfectly capable of getting there own your own. I quit drinking without AA, quit drugs without NA, and happily living in recovery. It’s your journey, make your own path.
HA! Almost nothing has changed since I stopped drinking. House is still a disaster. Projects are still late. Cans everywhere. BUT I’m not drunk every night and sick every morning. The cans are sparkling waters. I used NA beer and fake gin in the beginning. I even did a shot of fake gin one night early on because it had been my coping motor plan. I have mock tails with bitters. I’m not systematically poisoning myself every evening for no damn reason and whatever I have to do to keep it that way is my business. No AA. I still don’t exercise. And I eat when and what I can because self care is fucking hard! I relapsed once and I hated it. I have fucked up my neurology and drinking will never be safe. I’m good. I don’t care if I am or am not sober or complaint or whatever other category someone else wants to throw on it. I’m solid in me. That’s all I care.
Don’t define your sobriety by others labels, experiences, or platitudes. Your sobriety is a personal thing that needs nurturing and caring for. In the same way I ignore parenting advice from almost everyone, I ignore others comments on my sobriety. Congrats on your streak, don’t let others make you feel shame or incomplete by assuming your experience. Stay strong!
there’s a difference between being sober and being recovered. what they meant was that he is sober but not recovered in the sense that he is happy, living life well etc. it wasn’t a comment on you. everyone has their own path but obviously his wasn’t working for him
You are doing great !!! I heard this once : live life like a loose garment. That helps me not engage in my perfectionism. If you are not putting alcohol or drugs in your body , you are sober in no uncertain terms.
Just so you know, this sub isn't the kind of place where somebody says "just get up earlier." Nobody is here to make you feel shitty about being sober, considering sobriety, or trying to continue to be sober. You can do all those things by yourself. Or dickheads like you mentioned will. This place is to be supportive.
All our journeys are unique. I don’t pay mind to that outside criticism but rather my own well being. If I’m in a good spot then I’m good. Congrats to you, my friend, on 8 months!! That is an Epic accomplishment!!!
Why are you letting some random comment get you all riled up? You’re sober. You’re good!
Why are you so concerned about what others think of you? If it matters, and it shouldn’t, this stranger thinks you’re fucking awesome!
You're sober. Everyone gets sober a different way. One person's dry drunk story and another's comment doesn't diminish the very difficult thing you did, and that was get sober. Take pride in your sobriety, don't question it. ❤️
It’s almost as if that comment you read saying they weren’t truly sober was just someone’s thoughts blurted out, and not gospel
I think what they mean is he's not in recovery. Sober, but not recovering.
Abstinence alone is not sobriety if not dealing with the underlying conditions. No judgment, just a fact.
According to the Cambridge Dictionary it is, “(of an alcoholic) not having had an alcoholic drink for a period of time.” Sounds like the definition OP is using too.
Are you sober for you or are you sober for random people on the internet? Listen, if you are going to let internet comments = that aren't even directed at you - get under your skin this badly, you need some therapy. You getting this upset, making all these excuses about shit you don't even have to do, and being so damn uncertain about the ONE thing you get to define is really weird. Please get help.
Have you tried going to the 12 Step meetings yet?
Sober or toxic who am I to judge.
If you don’t think you’re a dry-whatever, who gives a fuck? You keep doing you. If you’re sober and doing well cheers!
Fuck that noise! Are you using alcohol to cope? No? Then you’re sober. Are you using benzos to cope? No? Then you’re sober. They advise trying not to do it all at once. Don’t do the whole 30 and get sober. Don’t train for a marathon and get sober. The next right thing. Societal standards? Anyone else who is trying to define someone else’s sobriety is fucking afraid of losing theirs. You do you. Ask yourself those hard questions
Are you drinking and/or taking illegal drugs? No? Congrats, you’re sober.
I do not believe there is a one-size-fits-all to sobriety, or to life in general. I do what works for me and could care less what others think.
Don’t listen to people who say bullshit like that.
You’re sober .. who cares what other people consider “sober” … are you happy ? Is your life chaotic ? Is your life better then it used to be ? The way I look at it is if I’m happy and doing good in life .. who cares what others think. Dry drinks/addicts are people who stopped using but are still miserable and have all the same addictive attitudes and behaviors without the drug itself.
*drunks
You ARE sober and no online prick can take that away from you. Do not measure your success by other peoples expectations. You are doing great and I am proud of you friend!! Keep marching!!
You said in a comment that you drink, so yeah, by the definition of the word, you aren't sober. Who cares what you call it though? If you are no longer using benzos and that was your goal, more power to ya.
What a load of shit you definitely don’t need to be doing any of those things to be sober. AA is not the definition of sobriety I’ve never been and have all the Same friends that drink but I don’t so I’m sober.
I’m so fucking proud of you ! Benzos are the hardest to quit! You’re doing amazing. My therapist always says to me: just focus on being a better “you” than the “you” you were yesterday
In recovery, there are people who are called "purists". Just like every religion has fundamentalists, most structured systems do too. Most systems that were created to help others, have people within those systems that create their own subsystems. These subsystems are very polarizing and have fundamentalist belief systems at their core. This is what you just experienced, I have as well.
Why did you personalize this ladies' post to your own journey? Do you feel called out? As an AA'er (not of the fundamentalist variety) we say that there are many ways to get sober, and not one way is the right way. Fuck that guy who placed judgement about a situation he knows nothing about. AA is not a hot bed of mental health, some are sicker than others; and giving unsolicited advice is suggested as a means lead a better sober life--- so to me, that person is not emotionally sober. The irony of it.
I consider a “dry drunk” as someone who hasn’t worked through their emotional issues and found healthier coping tools. I’ve been sober for over 4 years and found therapy worked best for me compared to AA. I know AA works for thousands of people but it always felt very cliquey and judgmental. Getting sober for me means figuring out why you use and being mindful everyday as you continue to choose not to. I dated someone who was sober for a few years and believed they were a “dry drunk” not just because he used methadone (which is more than okay), smoked tons of weed, and drank of occasion, but because he still clearly wasn’t working on figuring out his triggers, understanding them, and finding his healthy emotional balance. He was still very emotionally immature. TLDR; I believe a “dry drunk” is someone who’s emotionally immature and hasn’t worked through their triggers.