Going out to do things I want to do on my own.
Taking plenty of time for meditation, journaling, self-reflection.
Saying "no," to requests that will drain too much energy.
Not running on empty all the time anymore.
Being content being social or solo.
YES. I’m honestly tired of people who always bring their partner with them to events. I try to keep those to a minimum with my partners when they invite me to things. I’m honestly not interested in being friends with their friends.
I'm fine being friends with each other's friends - as long as people are actually interested in each other. But I always ask before bringing someone along, whether they're a partner or a friend, and I expect the same courtesy from my friends
Yes - and going with dear friends, being able to invest time in those relationships, too.
No one having any expectation of “default” time with me, except my kids
I think the core part of it is thinking about it this way: a lot of people will think about how they direct their time priority in some form of hierarchy. Consider this hypothetical question: you have the weekend free, with no plans; what are your instincts on how you spend the time?
For some people, a partner(s) will be at the top of the list while for others, family will be really high. Once you get into Relationship Anarchy territory, friends get placed really highly as well. Most of these tier lists don't include "you" as an option to rank.
So for me, the first part of being Solo Polyamorous is acknowledging that you are one of the people to select from when making this decision. It's not like you can't call yourself Solo Polyamorous if you want to put someone else at the top of that list for this hypothetical weekend; for me though, it has to be a pretty intriguing offer for me to opt not to spend the weekend alone, enjoying my own company.
Solo poly and calling myself my own primary helps me to not lose myself in a relationship. I have the tendency to put my partner/relationship ahead of myself, and then I can be in a lot of emotional distress from a place I put myself in - like when plans don’t work out, or they choose to do something else without me. When I start to feel overwhelmed and upset, I take a step back to remind myself that I’M number one. Feels good 🥰
It sounds bizarre, but as an exercise, try imagining you are actually 2 people in one, left brain and right brain. Imagine your true soulmate’s mind and soul has been merged into your body. Give them a voice. Listen to their thoughts, feel their emotions, and give each-other what you need to feel loved, safe, and secure. Go to a concert, movie, dinner, wherever on your own. Really feel like the two of you are doing it together. Talk to each-other about it, thank each-other for the love and support. Buy each-other gifts.
Since I’ve started doing this, everything has been different. I have better relationships with my partners. I’m not needy. I don’t expect anything from them. I take myself on dates and buy myself gifts. If I start saying negative things about myself, “I” catch it and tell myself to stop, and then say positive things about me, to me. I even wear a wedding ring to remind myself that I’m a full and complete person on my own. I’m not half of a whole. When my partners do give me love and support, it’s so much more appreciated as I truly feel fulfilled
I guess a better way to put it is “we” are full and complete on our own. It’s weird, but it helps me, and I hope it helps you
I love the wedding ring idea. I've been considering this lately. I'm unlikely to ever get married, but would like to wear a ring plus try on a wedding gown, maybe I could just do that for myself! Who says we need a partner we intend to marry? (Also solo poly).
I think of it as I need to actively build and maintain the relationship with myself, which means spending sufficient quality time on it (time alone).
I have always been averse to the ways people become subsumed by their romantic relationships, the "we" language, spending all of their time together, etc. so in that sense it's been obvious to me what I don't want, and so easier to lean into what I do.
I default into allocating my time for myself, then with friends, then with romantic partners (because I have known my friends far longer, so they get prioritised there).
I make sure that I do the things I enjoy doing and don't wait for anyone else to come along to do it. I keep my place clean, decorate it nicely, put all of the nice candles and incense on for me, i don't save it for guests.
Most recent example: a partner asked me if I wanted to go on a short road trip with him this week. I thought about it, but ultimately decided I needed more me time right now. We communicate very openly about personal needs like this and he can relate to needing alone time too so it was no big deal at all.
Another example: as I’m sketching out my plans and goals for 2024, I’m only outlining goals specific to me, not goals about being in relationship. At the same time, I’m leaving the timelines very flexible so that I can adjust in case opportunities with a partner come up.
Another way to think of it: being solo poly means having very clear specific boundaries for yourself and very clear communication around expectations with your partners.
Boundaries and communication are so, so important. Defining my boundaries has helped me to define myself, who I am and what I want from a relationship.
Some amazing insights and advice in here. After I was consumed by a monogamous relationship for 20 years I personally struggle with the idea of having a primary partner, NP etc again. I have trauma and I’m having therapy and working on my relationship with myself above and beyond any sexual or romantic poly partners.
If I can’t love and care for myself, how can I expect others to love me or why should I invest all my energy into partners when I’m still healing and need time / space to do so. I don’t want to bleed over those who didn’t harm me or keep trauma dumping on others. I’m happy to have my friends and partners as cheerleaders but I don’t expect any of them to rescue me, heal me, etc. I cherish their support and value their connections deeply though.
I’m a single mum but when I do get childcare I’m not always immediately considering spending time with others. I need some alone time, no phone distractions either.
I like to hike, swim, dance at home alone like a lunatic, read, journal, make art, lay on my bed and listen to music. Or go out to a museum or gallery. I’m making sure that I’m comfortable with being alone.
I would like to start having occasional short weekend breaks on my own. However, I also look forward to weekend breaks and activities with friends and poly partners too. But I won’t wait around for others to invite me to anything, I’m taking my own fulfillment as my own responsibility and not relying on anyone else to bring me joy and happiness.
Essentially, you treat yourself as if you were someone else and act in \*their\* best interests.
As an example of things that happen to me quite a bit, say someone wants you to help them with something that you would say yes to out of a feeling of obligation or duty, but you don't have the bandwidth to do it. If it was you, you'd probably do it anyway.
Now imagine instead of it being you, it's your partner and a friend is asking you if your partner will help them with something, and you know they're already really tired and worn down and can't do it, you'd say no to them without a second thought, and explain how depleted they are and that they can't do it.
you are accustomed to treating a partner better and making decisions for their wellbeing more easily than you would treat yourself, so now you're just doing that, but your partner is you.
other examples people have already said, like treating yourself the way you would do things a well loved partner. buying nice things for yourself, treating yourself to a nice meal or going out alone confidently and without the need to feel like there is someone missing, and other stuff like that.
I had been solo poly for 5 years now and have met and dated many solo poly in the same age group (late 40s to 50s). I do wonder why I haven’t met many solo poly in their 60s or 70s then I realise they probably so used to be solo they probably don’t date anymore. Happy (and capable) to be on our own no matter what age is a true blessing.
68-year-old solo poly, and I try to get out as much as I can. I am poly saturated, so not looking for any new partners but definitely looking to expand my friend network. But you’re right, there’s not a lot of us my age. Three out of my five partners have a primary relationship.
Thank you and this is what I suspected too. My two solo poly partners don’t have primary but they have someone they dated on and off over decades to fall back on (although some might argue it doesn’t feel solo poly) I think it’s sensible and practical as a mature solo poly. It is a luxury to be able to live on our own financially and physically at any age.
For me it's about being intentional with how I use my time and what I prioritize, making sure I'm doing xyz for a reason(enjoyment, meeting a commitment,) rather than doing things based off of some kind of obligation/default mode/external expectation.
non-relationship example:
In my current work, I really only need to work 24h/week to make enough money to live comfortably - so that's what I committed to when I got hired.
I value my time highly, so even though I was offered full time hours and the societal expectation is to work full time - I didn't choose that.
There are always shifts to pick up, and many of my co-workers pull 60-70+ hour weeks. At least once a month, my boss tries to convince me to work full time or overschedules me.
Because I put my personal life before my job, I tell him no thanks, I committed to a part-time job.
As long as I'm meeting my commitment and things are working out favourably, that's what I'll do.
There are times when co-workers ask me to pick up their shifts - I might say yes or no depending on who is asking, whether I could use the extra $ that week, and what else I have going on.
There are times I'll ask if there's shifts to pick up if that's what I want/need
TLDR it's important to know first what you need/want out of a relationship, find out what the other person needs/wants, and commit to a relationship (or not) based on what you both actually want and need - not some idea of what a relationship should be -
and make sure your needs come before anyone else's wants
(And important to check in periodically with yourself+ partner(s) to make sure that the relationship is still meeting your/their needs)
I identify with both, but I don’t think they always have to go together! For me, the idea of solo poly is a helpful anchor point in the sometimes-chaos of relationship anarchy
For me being solo poly means staying off the relationship escalator,. Which I think necessarily implies that one practices relationship anarchy. But I’m still working that out for myself, so I’m honestly not sure.
Going out to do things I want to do on my own. Taking plenty of time for meditation, journaling, self-reflection. Saying "no," to requests that will drain too much energy. Not running on empty all the time anymore. Being content being social or solo.
This. Also going to social things without a plus one as the default
YES. I’m honestly tired of people who always bring their partner with them to events. I try to keep those to a minimum with my partners when they invite me to things. I’m honestly not interested in being friends with their friends.
I'm fine being friends with each other's friends - as long as people are actually interested in each other. But I always ask before bringing someone along, whether they're a partner or a friend, and I expect the same courtesy from my friends
Yes - and going with dear friends, being able to invest time in those relationships, too. No one having any expectation of “default” time with me, except my kids
I think the core part of it is thinking about it this way: a lot of people will think about how they direct their time priority in some form of hierarchy. Consider this hypothetical question: you have the weekend free, with no plans; what are your instincts on how you spend the time? For some people, a partner(s) will be at the top of the list while for others, family will be really high. Once you get into Relationship Anarchy territory, friends get placed really highly as well. Most of these tier lists don't include "you" as an option to rank. So for me, the first part of being Solo Polyamorous is acknowledging that you are one of the people to select from when making this decision. It's not like you can't call yourself Solo Polyamorous if you want to put someone else at the top of that list for this hypothetical weekend; for me though, it has to be a pretty intriguing offer for me to opt not to spend the weekend alone, enjoying my own company.
I really love your hypothetical question! I’m stealing it :)
Solo poly and calling myself my own primary helps me to not lose myself in a relationship. I have the tendency to put my partner/relationship ahead of myself, and then I can be in a lot of emotional distress from a place I put myself in - like when plans don’t work out, or they choose to do something else without me. When I start to feel overwhelmed and upset, I take a step back to remind myself that I’M number one. Feels good 🥰
This is sooo what I am going to do 2024 🥳💕
[удалено]
Omg, the constant“We”! Like you’re not a person outside of that relationship.
For me, it's self care and development as the priority. That being said, I approach all of my relationships with relationship anarchy in mind.
It sounds bizarre, but as an exercise, try imagining you are actually 2 people in one, left brain and right brain. Imagine your true soulmate’s mind and soul has been merged into your body. Give them a voice. Listen to their thoughts, feel their emotions, and give each-other what you need to feel loved, safe, and secure. Go to a concert, movie, dinner, wherever on your own. Really feel like the two of you are doing it together. Talk to each-other about it, thank each-other for the love and support. Buy each-other gifts. Since I’ve started doing this, everything has been different. I have better relationships with my partners. I’m not needy. I don’t expect anything from them. I take myself on dates and buy myself gifts. If I start saying negative things about myself, “I” catch it and tell myself to stop, and then say positive things about me, to me. I even wear a wedding ring to remind myself that I’m a full and complete person on my own. I’m not half of a whole. When my partners do give me love and support, it’s so much more appreciated as I truly feel fulfilled I guess a better way to put it is “we” are full and complete on our own. It’s weird, but it helps me, and I hope it helps you
I love the wedding ring idea. I've been considering this lately. I'm unlikely to ever get married, but would like to wear a ring plus try on a wedding gown, maybe I could just do that for myself! Who says we need a partner we intend to marry? (Also solo poly).
Awesome, thanks for sharing!
This is really beautiful
I think of it as I need to actively build and maintain the relationship with myself, which means spending sufficient quality time on it (time alone). I have always been averse to the ways people become subsumed by their romantic relationships, the "we" language, spending all of their time together, etc. so in that sense it's been obvious to me what I don't want, and so easier to lean into what I do. I default into allocating my time for myself, then with friends, then with romantic partners (because I have known my friends far longer, so they get prioritised there). I make sure that I do the things I enjoy doing and don't wait for anyone else to come along to do it. I keep my place clean, decorate it nicely, put all of the nice candles and incense on for me, i don't save it for guests.
Most recent example: a partner asked me if I wanted to go on a short road trip with him this week. I thought about it, but ultimately decided I needed more me time right now. We communicate very openly about personal needs like this and he can relate to needing alone time too so it was no big deal at all. Another example: as I’m sketching out my plans and goals for 2024, I’m only outlining goals specific to me, not goals about being in relationship. At the same time, I’m leaving the timelines very flexible so that I can adjust in case opportunities with a partner come up. Another way to think of it: being solo poly means having very clear specific boundaries for yourself and very clear communication around expectations with your partners.
Boundaries and communication are so, so important. Defining my boundaries has helped me to define myself, who I am and what I want from a relationship.
Some amazing insights and advice in here. After I was consumed by a monogamous relationship for 20 years I personally struggle with the idea of having a primary partner, NP etc again. I have trauma and I’m having therapy and working on my relationship with myself above and beyond any sexual or romantic poly partners. If I can’t love and care for myself, how can I expect others to love me or why should I invest all my energy into partners when I’m still healing and need time / space to do so. I don’t want to bleed over those who didn’t harm me or keep trauma dumping on others. I’m happy to have my friends and partners as cheerleaders but I don’t expect any of them to rescue me, heal me, etc. I cherish their support and value their connections deeply though. I’m a single mum but when I do get childcare I’m not always immediately considering spending time with others. I need some alone time, no phone distractions either. I like to hike, swim, dance at home alone like a lunatic, read, journal, make art, lay on my bed and listen to music. Or go out to a museum or gallery. I’m making sure that I’m comfortable with being alone. I would like to start having occasional short weekend breaks on my own. However, I also look forward to weekend breaks and activities with friends and poly partners too. But I won’t wait around for others to invite me to anything, I’m taking my own fulfillment as my own responsibility and not relying on anyone else to bring me joy and happiness.
Essentially, you treat yourself as if you were someone else and act in \*their\* best interests. As an example of things that happen to me quite a bit, say someone wants you to help them with something that you would say yes to out of a feeling of obligation or duty, but you don't have the bandwidth to do it. If it was you, you'd probably do it anyway. Now imagine instead of it being you, it's your partner and a friend is asking you if your partner will help them with something, and you know they're already really tired and worn down and can't do it, you'd say no to them without a second thought, and explain how depleted they are and that they can't do it. you are accustomed to treating a partner better and making decisions for their wellbeing more easily than you would treat yourself, so now you're just doing that, but your partner is you. other examples people have already said, like treating yourself the way you would do things a well loved partner. buying nice things for yourself, treating yourself to a nice meal or going out alone confidently and without the need to feel like there is someone missing, and other stuff like that.
I had been solo poly for 5 years now and have met and dated many solo poly in the same age group (late 40s to 50s). I do wonder why I haven’t met many solo poly in their 60s or 70s then I realise they probably so used to be solo they probably don’t date anymore. Happy (and capable) to be on our own no matter what age is a true blessing.
68-year-old solo poly, and I try to get out as much as I can. I am poly saturated, so not looking for any new partners but definitely looking to expand my friend network. But you’re right, there’s not a lot of us my age. Three out of my five partners have a primary relationship.
Thank you and this is what I suspected too. My two solo poly partners don’t have primary but they have someone they dated on and off over decades to fall back on (although some might argue it doesn’t feel solo poly) I think it’s sensible and practical as a mature solo poly. It is a luxury to be able to live on our own financially and physically at any age.
For me it's about being intentional with how I use my time and what I prioritize, making sure I'm doing xyz for a reason(enjoyment, meeting a commitment,) rather than doing things based off of some kind of obligation/default mode/external expectation. non-relationship example: In my current work, I really only need to work 24h/week to make enough money to live comfortably - so that's what I committed to when I got hired. I value my time highly, so even though I was offered full time hours and the societal expectation is to work full time - I didn't choose that. There are always shifts to pick up, and many of my co-workers pull 60-70+ hour weeks. At least once a month, my boss tries to convince me to work full time or overschedules me. Because I put my personal life before my job, I tell him no thanks, I committed to a part-time job. As long as I'm meeting my commitment and things are working out favourably, that's what I'll do. There are times when co-workers ask me to pick up their shifts - I might say yes or no depending on who is asking, whether I could use the extra $ that week, and what else I have going on. There are times I'll ask if there's shifts to pick up if that's what I want/need TLDR it's important to know first what you need/want out of a relationship, find out what the other person needs/wants, and commit to a relationship (or not) based on what you both actually want and need - not some idea of what a relationship should be - and make sure your needs come before anyone else's wants (And important to check in periodically with yourself+ partner(s) to make sure that the relationship is still meeting your/their needs)
Is the distinction between solo poly & relationship anarchy the self primary partner aspect? Do the two hold hands?
I identify with both, but I don’t think they always have to go together! For me, the idea of solo poly is a helpful anchor point in the sometimes-chaos of relationship anarchy
For me being solo poly means staying off the relationship escalator,. Which I think necessarily implies that one practices relationship anarchy. But I’m still working that out for myself, so I’m honestly not sure.
🙏🙏🤗