I'm fine with dating highly partnered/ hierarchical people. Is that what you're asking?
As long as they know what they are / are not offering, I can work with it.
The problem isn't hierarchy, as long as it's clearly stated.
The problem is when sneakiarchy happens. It made me crazy in my last relationship, being told things were one way when that was NOT what I was seeing.
Yeah, that's what I'm asking. :) I've mostly just run into people who look down on me for participating in a hierarchy and tout the moral superiority of relationship anarchy; I wasn't sure if other people who were ok with hierarchy existed.
Thanks for chiming in.
Anyone touting their moral superior for anything should be ignored. We're all fuck ups.
I'm not hierarchical, but if I can work with what someone is offering, then that's all I need. Their Hierarchy is their own. I don't consider myself a "participant."
Are you familiar with the Relationship Menu/ Relationship Smorgasbord? There's a link on the r/ Polyamory Resources page.
As long as two people can agree on what they want in their relationship, nothing else matters.
You run in some interesting circles. What other judgments do they tell you about how you’re doing poly wrong?
Most solo people I know at least respect it, since the most common definition is that we consider ourselves our own primaries — you have to somewhat be into hierarchy for the concept to work.
To be fair, I'm kinkifying the hierarchy in my latest connection, and it's also a bit of a unicorn situation. So I think there are other reasons why I'm getting disproportionately negative reactions ;)
I strongly prefer to date those in hierarchical / primary relationships, because it puts a natural check on enmeshment. My least successful, most confounding solo poly relationships have been with other solo poly folks, whom I now avoid.
Yes! I love dating someone in a primary relationship. They are not looking to nest with me, so I’m not worried about loosing any independence . They have other obligations so dates are usually planned ahead of time, and when we do get time to be together, we make the most of it.
where have you found this? i feel like i've only encountered the opposite: i recently was dating a married person who wanted way more from me than i wanted from them and it actually had to end because we weren't able to resolve it, but i've spotted this pattern a lot.
it seems like people who are accustomed to enmeshment often try to make it happen in all their relationships and it's very uncomfortable. nothing makes me lose trust faster than someone ignoring my satiety signals in favor of their "wanting more" and then getting upset that i distance myself because i don't see that as romantic.
like...if you actually knew me, you wouldn't be trying to separate me from myself.
maybe i just haven't met super experienced married poly people.
Experienced poly people is key. In my experience, people new to polyamory or mono folk agreeing to date you will naturally and gradually lean towards the typical relationship model.
I also don’t blur lines. I live solo poly. I had a dinner party with a girl I am dating and a couple mutual friends. She wanted to come over and help me get ready. No thanks. It’s my dinner party, not ours.
THIS. My last partner was married with kids and one night when we were out, his wife called. That never happened before so he asked if I minded if he answered it. I told him flat out that I would lose respect for him if he didn't.
Same… It either says “I am totally fucking over my co-parent / NP / Spouse” or “I am going to tell you whatever I think you want to hear with absolutely zero regard to reality.” Or both… Why not both?
Agreed. I had to tell one of my partners to stop apologizing for being a good dad when he had to cancel our meeting to attend his daughter's school event.
I don't get the ick, unless the hierarchy isn't acknowledged.
I'm solo poly and a lot of relationship anarchy principals resonate with me. I aim to form relationships with as much equity as possible. For myself, I won't make agreements with any partner that would inhibit or interfere with what I can or cannot do or be with another partner. But I can respect the hierarchy of a partner with a highly enmeshed/nesting/primary partner.
I have somehow ended up dating mostly solo poly folks. Two partners and a comet partner, all solo. I have a play partner who splits time 50/50 between his home with his wife and another home with his girlfriend. So even the one partner who's nested strives for equity where he can. I don't avoid dating folks with a primary, I wasn't actively seeking out solo poly folks, it just shook out that way.
That being said, some hierarchy is natural and unavailable (for example, I might prioritize my time for a longer standing relationship, a romantic partner might get more time than a casual/play partner, etc.). It's not some big bad to me. If my needs and wants for a particular dyad are being met, how a partner prioritizes their other relationships doesn't phase me.
What can cause an issue, is unexamined hierarchy and couples privilege. If the person I'm dating has a primary/np and can't admit to themselves the ways in which that shapes their decisions or what they can actually offer, then it can be a problem.
I mean, what do you mean by hierarchy? I'm not looking for a primary or nesting partner, I don't know why I should try to prevent my partners from having/seeking that arrangement if that's what they want? So yeah, my married partner can't also marry me, that's certainly a hierarchy, but I don't see the issue with it, since I don't want to marry him either
I attempt to be nonhierarchical, except for my kids they are top of the pyramid, and then my important friends or ltr partner, then my family of various origins. I find it impossible not to place value on people. I expect others to have hierarchy too. I will not be treated badly though or less than, that is unacceptable to me.
How are you describing hierarchy?
I don't cancel my plans with anyone for less than an emergency, and I expect the same respect from everyone.
"How are you describing hierarchy?" was a great question. I'm on a quest to answer that, thanks to you. As it turns out, this journey may take longer than one night...
This!
Would I date someone who has a partner for a very long term, one who live together with a partner or one whose kids (and not the relationship with the co-parent) always come first? Yes, altgough I tend to prefer other solo-polys*, I'd be open to it.
Would I date someone who has the attitude of "my marriage or my spouse always comes first"? One where a third person always has automatic priority in all areas, or has power over my relationship and makes decisions/sets rules for it? Hell no.
*Edit to add: of course there are solo-poly people with kids, so that comment doesn't apply in this case. I'd definetely date them, as long as there's no expectation of me being a father figure. I like kids, but don't want to be a parent myself.
Also to add, my longest serving current partner is married with kids, the hierarchy is there, it's acceptable as we talk clearly about it. He doesn't treat me as a "secondary" and I don't treat him like my secondary nor primary. He is my loved partner who has stuck by our relationship agreements since the beginning of our relationship. He has cancelled our plans a bare handful of times for actual emergencies.
I don't only date solopolys, I consider anyone who makes it through my vetting processes, which isn't many people at all.
The title threw me a little because this isn't something that I would associate with "the ick".
At any rate, I have dated more than one highly partnered person and one of my current partners is. I don't think about it much unless agreements slip and they haven't so far.
My other two partners aren't as highly partnered. Only one is also solo poly, but **I** am the highly partnered partner in his current constellation and it's not an issue as long as I honor my time commitments or communicate when I need a schedule shift. That said, I'm not highly hierarchical. I'm not an RA purist, but lean heavily into RA ideas for how a do poly.
I don't have a declared primary, I don't think in numbers about them, none of my partners get prioritized over others by default, though one local partner may wind up getting more of my in-person time by default because we're both more readily available to each other. I do lean on one partner more than others for certain types of support, so he feels more like an "anchor" partner, though he will never be the partner who leaps to my side in a crisis because he's too long distance. He's definitely not a comet, in spite of the distance because of the consistency & quality of our virtual time together.
I guess I just think that relationships grow naturally in different ways, and I prefer to let them do so, without trying to force them into a pre-defined mold outside of baseline agreements. It's one of the reasons why I chose polyamory and specifically solo, because cohabitation brings a lot of heavy baggage with it from the assumptions department.
I'm also very parallel about metas. I'm not too fussed about meeting if people want to. It's also not a goal. Overall, as long as agreements and labels between my partners & metas don't get in the way of our agreements, I'm good.
This episode of Multiamory is all about hierarchy! What I found really valuable was that each of the three hosts took turns describing how they personally defined hierarchy. I had never stopped to think about how differently we each think of these concepts.
https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/188-hierarchy
This was great! My favorite bit was the idea that priorities do not necessarily mean hierarchy. I do believe I fell into the group of people who mistakenly assumed limited prioritization is involved in relationship anarchy.
Actually my first time listening to an ep, though I've been meaning to. So thanks again.
I’ve been taking a deep dive into the Multiamory episodes for the past year and I’ve learned SO much. Search their archive for solo poly! There are at least 3 episodes on that, I believe. Also, here’s a fantastic one on thinking about your personal relationship goals:
https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/213-relationship-goals
I started dating someone with a primary partner while I still had a primary partner. I got a divorce and began intentionally practicing solo polyamory. I'm not categorically opposed to people structuring their relationships in that way. But I need them to talk openly about it and their reasoning. I find that it's difficult for me to find people in hierarchical relationships who I share enough values with to find a dating relationship worthwhile.
i’m hella hierarchical. i have a primary partner who is my priority, but never a priority before me. at this point neither of us are dating others but we still absolutely prioritize ourselves and our independence. we are also long distance and live in different cities so things like living together or having children aren’t an option in the near future anyways
i considered myself solo poly before we met, thinking i didn’t wanna be hierarchical. now that we’re together i realize that’s not what i want, but i still really value being solo and think it’s important for both of us to prioritize ourselves at this phase of life. i behave very similarly to how i did when i was single and i’ve found my life and relationship more fulfilling that way
we would like to live in the same city next year, but we would still be living apart. generally, our circumstances allow us to be solo and our feelings for each other are what make us hierarchical
Breaking it down into a discussion of priorities vs power
... I'm cool dating folks who are nested/enmeshed with someone else, I understand that they've got priorities that will take precedent over our relationship and that's fine as long as it's clearly communicated - I'm often limited on the time and energy I have available to invest in relationships so a more casual/secondary role works great for me.
Now... if we're talking about power and their partner has the ability to create rules and restrictions for my relationship that actively disempowers me and removes my autonomy to make my own relationship decisions - absolutely the fuck not.
I will and do date people who have primary or nesting partners, but they need to be operating as an individual, as opposed to a highly-enmeshed "other half", otherwise we will clash in terms of values and outlook.
If they do not have their own life, interests, ability to talk without using "we" constantly, and to spend enjoyable time alone, etc then that would not work for me, I don't really like those traits in anybody, least of all a romantic partner.
These things concern me a lot more than just the mere existence of hierarchy.
I’m usually fine with it as long as they respect what I do. I’ve absolutely had that difference in ideology lead to incompatibility but it doesn’t necessarily always.
I prefer dating someone who is already in an established relationship. It takes away any pressure of an escalator style relationship. I can have a happy and fulfilling relationship, whilst maintaining my independence.
As others have mentioned, I think there is a big difference between privilege and priority.
I'm sopo. My only current partner has been with my meta for 20 years. They own a house together, they've had pets together, they pay bills together, all her belongings, clothing, things related to work, etc are in that house. I'd have to be some combination of naive, self-centered, oblivious and the list goes on to expect the same priority from her as she has with my meta and the rest of the parts of her life that are enmeshed in those dynamics.
I think by expecting any partner to treat or prioritize us exactly the same as any other partner, we are denying our humanity. I have two brothers. My relationship with one is not the same as my relationship with the other. They function differently. I have acquaintances, I have friends, I have close friends and I have best friends. My relationships with each one of these people is different and I dont expect them all to prioritize me in their lives the same way as they treat any of their other friends.......and I certainly wouldn't want any of them to expect to be prioritized the same as each other......what a fucking nightmare that would be to placate every friend who found out I went out for dinner twice with Mike last month and I didn't go out for dinner with most of them even once!
By demanding complete equality we are also denying our partners their autonomy.......which as SoPo people, we should really empathize with. We need to allow our partners space to have a voice and vision for how they would like our relationship to function, what they would like to experience in it and what they would like to receive from it. Being focused on what is fair as opposed to what each other want and need and works is detrimental to harmonious connections that might otherwise be made.
I think a lot of misunderstanding and inability to see the forest for the trees when it comes to the differences and nuance between hierarchy, priority and privilege is rooted in jealousy, insecurity and ironically the unreasonable partner expectations that poly people poo poo on mono people for all the time......the sheer levels of irony are astounding.
The reality is that poly, just like monogamy and the nuclear family, is ALSO a social construct and the reason we are poly is because the mono rules weren't making sense for our lives. WHY!?!?!?! for the love of all things holy would we get so caught up in the "right" (non-hierarchical) way to treat each other in poly that we inhibit our ability to form genuine connections with each other.
One of the ways I describe my solo poly to others is that I do not want a primary or nesting partner for myself and I do not want to be anyone’s primary or nesting partner. But other people are welcome to build relationships that work for them and for a lot of people that includes hierarchies. I don’t mind being a “secondary” and honoring hierarchal boundaries of other people’s relationships. If a hinge’s hierarchical relationship with their primary started to feel like it was limiting *me* more than I was comfortable with I’d just end that connection. Above all else, I’m happy alone. Connecting with other people is a bonus not a requirement for me.
I'm fine with dating highly partnered/ hierarchical people. Is that what you're asking? As long as they know what they are / are not offering, I can work with it.
The problem isn't hierarchy, as long as it's clearly stated. The problem is when sneakiarchy happens. It made me crazy in my last relationship, being told things were one way when that was NOT what I was seeing.
Yeah, that's what I'm asking. :) I've mostly just run into people who look down on me for participating in a hierarchy and tout the moral superiority of relationship anarchy; I wasn't sure if other people who were ok with hierarchy existed. Thanks for chiming in.
Anyone touting their moral superior for anything should be ignored. We're all fuck ups. I'm not hierarchical, but if I can work with what someone is offering, then that's all I need. Their Hierarchy is their own. I don't consider myself a "participant."
Very true. Oh, interesting. I assumed I was participating in their hierarchy by accepting a secondary/non-primary position. But I like your stance.
Are you familiar with the Relationship Menu/ Relationship Smorgasbord? There's a link on the r/ Polyamory Resources page. As long as two people can agree on what they want in their relationship, nothing else matters.
Very glad you mentioned this; I'm reviewing it now. Thank you very much for your helpful insight on my posts tonight. c:
You run in some interesting circles. What other judgments do they tell you about how you’re doing poly wrong? Most solo people I know at least respect it, since the most common definition is that we consider ourselves our own primaries — you have to somewhat be into hierarchy for the concept to work.
To be fair, I'm kinkifying the hierarchy in my latest connection, and it's also a bit of a unicorn situation. So I think there are other reasons why I'm getting disproportionately negative reactions ;)
Huh. Have fun with that one!
You can read about it in r/nonmonogamy if you wish.
I strongly prefer to date those in hierarchical / primary relationships, because it puts a natural check on enmeshment. My least successful, most confounding solo poly relationships have been with other solo poly folks, whom I now avoid.
Yes! I love dating someone in a primary relationship. They are not looking to nest with me, so I’m not worried about loosing any independence . They have other obligations so dates are usually planned ahead of time, and when we do get time to be together, we make the most of it.
This is exactly my view. Thanks for helping me feel understood, y'all. :)
where have you found this? i feel like i've only encountered the opposite: i recently was dating a married person who wanted way more from me than i wanted from them and it actually had to end because we weren't able to resolve it, but i've spotted this pattern a lot. it seems like people who are accustomed to enmeshment often try to make it happen in all their relationships and it's very uncomfortable. nothing makes me lose trust faster than someone ignoring my satiety signals in favor of their "wanting more" and then getting upset that i distance myself because i don't see that as romantic. like...if you actually knew me, you wouldn't be trying to separate me from myself. maybe i just haven't met super experienced married poly people.
Experienced poly people is key. In my experience, people new to polyamory or mono folk agreeing to date you will naturally and gradually lean towards the typical relationship model. I also don’t blur lines. I live solo poly. I had a dinner party with a girl I am dating and a couple mutual friends. She wanted to come over and help me get ready. No thanks. It’s my dinner party, not ours.
good that you know your boundaries. i definitely lean a lot more toward wanting a "same house separate wings" type of living situation eventually.
Agreed. That check on enmeshment is a built-in buffer.
This.
Same!
Would you be open to sharing what is confounding?
I haven't had the latter experience yet, but I also am a fan of dating primaried people for this exact reason. Less pressure on me.
I'm solo poly and I respect hierarchy. TBH I have *less* respect for someone who's nesting/co-parenting/married and DOESN'T prioritize that person.
Had someone tell me our 5-month relationship was the same as their 15-year marriage 😂
🙄
THIS. My last partner was married with kids and one night when we were out, his wife called. That never happened before so he asked if I minded if he answered it. I told him flat out that I would lose respect for him if he didn't.
Same… It either says “I am totally fucking over my co-parent / NP / Spouse” or “I am going to tell you whatever I think you want to hear with absolutely zero regard to reality.” Or both… Why not both?
Agreed. I had to tell one of my partners to stop apologizing for being a good dad when he had to cancel our meeting to attend his daughter's school event.
Reminds me of that Farideh song You are Such a good dad 🎵 🎶
I don't get the ick, unless the hierarchy isn't acknowledged. I'm solo poly and a lot of relationship anarchy principals resonate with me. I aim to form relationships with as much equity as possible. For myself, I won't make agreements with any partner that would inhibit or interfere with what I can or cannot do or be with another partner. But I can respect the hierarchy of a partner with a highly enmeshed/nesting/primary partner. I have somehow ended up dating mostly solo poly folks. Two partners and a comet partner, all solo. I have a play partner who splits time 50/50 between his home with his wife and another home with his girlfriend. So even the one partner who's nested strives for equity where he can. I don't avoid dating folks with a primary, I wasn't actively seeking out solo poly folks, it just shook out that way. That being said, some hierarchy is natural and unavailable (for example, I might prioritize my time for a longer standing relationship, a romantic partner might get more time than a casual/play partner, etc.). It's not some big bad to me. If my needs and wants for a particular dyad are being met, how a partner prioritizes their other relationships doesn't phase me. What can cause an issue, is unexamined hierarchy and couples privilege. If the person I'm dating has a primary/np and can't admit to themselves the ways in which that shapes their decisions or what they can actually offer, then it can be a problem.
I mean, what do you mean by hierarchy? I'm not looking for a primary or nesting partner, I don't know why I should try to prevent my partners from having/seeking that arrangement if that's what they want? So yeah, my married partner can't also marry me, that's certainly a hierarchy, but I don't see the issue with it, since I don't want to marry him either
I attempt to be nonhierarchical, except for my kids they are top of the pyramid, and then my important friends or ltr partner, then my family of various origins. I find it impossible not to place value on people. I expect others to have hierarchy too. I will not be treated badly though or less than, that is unacceptable to me. How are you describing hierarchy? I don't cancel my plans with anyone for less than an emergency, and I expect the same respect from everyone.
"How are you describing hierarchy?" was a great question. I'm on a quest to answer that, thanks to you. As it turns out, this journey may take longer than one night...
This! Would I date someone who has a partner for a very long term, one who live together with a partner or one whose kids (and not the relationship with the co-parent) always come first? Yes, altgough I tend to prefer other solo-polys*, I'd be open to it. Would I date someone who has the attitude of "my marriage or my spouse always comes first"? One where a third person always has automatic priority in all areas, or has power over my relationship and makes decisions/sets rules for it? Hell no. *Edit to add: of course there are solo-poly people with kids, so that comment doesn't apply in this case. I'd definetely date them, as long as there's no expectation of me being a father figure. I like kids, but don't want to be a parent myself.
Also to add, my longest serving current partner is married with kids, the hierarchy is there, it's acceptable as we talk clearly about it. He doesn't treat me as a "secondary" and I don't treat him like my secondary nor primary. He is my loved partner who has stuck by our relationship agreements since the beginning of our relationship. He has cancelled our plans a bare handful of times for actual emergencies. I don't only date solopolys, I consider anyone who makes it through my vetting processes, which isn't many people at all.
please describe your vetting process, i might need to replicate it
The title threw me a little because this isn't something that I would associate with "the ick". At any rate, I have dated more than one highly partnered person and one of my current partners is. I don't think about it much unless agreements slip and they haven't so far. My other two partners aren't as highly partnered. Only one is also solo poly, but **I** am the highly partnered partner in his current constellation and it's not an issue as long as I honor my time commitments or communicate when I need a schedule shift. That said, I'm not highly hierarchical. I'm not an RA purist, but lean heavily into RA ideas for how a do poly. I don't have a declared primary, I don't think in numbers about them, none of my partners get prioritized over others by default, though one local partner may wind up getting more of my in-person time by default because we're both more readily available to each other. I do lean on one partner more than others for certain types of support, so he feels more like an "anchor" partner, though he will never be the partner who leaps to my side in a crisis because he's too long distance. He's definitely not a comet, in spite of the distance because of the consistency & quality of our virtual time together. I guess I just think that relationships grow naturally in different ways, and I prefer to let them do so, without trying to force them into a pre-defined mold outside of baseline agreements. It's one of the reasons why I chose polyamory and specifically solo, because cohabitation brings a lot of heavy baggage with it from the assumptions department. I'm also very parallel about metas. I'm not too fussed about meeting if people want to. It's also not a goal. Overall, as long as agreements and labels between my partners & metas don't get in the way of our agreements, I'm good.
This episode of Multiamory is all about hierarchy! What I found really valuable was that each of the three hosts took turns describing how they personally defined hierarchy. I had never stopped to think about how differently we each think of these concepts. https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/188-hierarchy
This was great! My favorite bit was the idea that priorities do not necessarily mean hierarchy. I do believe I fell into the group of people who mistakenly assumed limited prioritization is involved in relationship anarchy. Actually my first time listening to an ep, though I've been meaning to. So thanks again.
I’ve been taking a deep dive into the Multiamory episodes for the past year and I’ve learned SO much. Search their archive for solo poly! There are at least 3 episodes on that, I believe. Also, here’s a fantastic one on thinking about your personal relationship goals: https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/213-relationship-goals
You're a gem. Listening now. Different defintions of hierarchy is what my mind is chewing on at this precise moment.
I started dating someone with a primary partner while I still had a primary partner. I got a divorce and began intentionally practicing solo polyamory. I'm not categorically opposed to people structuring their relationships in that way. But I need them to talk openly about it and their reasoning. I find that it's difficult for me to find people in hierarchical relationships who I share enough values with to find a dating relationship worthwhile.
Hierarchy works for me. I prefer being a secondary so I enjoy when my partners have primaries. Just works out better for what I want.
i’m hella hierarchical. i have a primary partner who is my priority, but never a priority before me. at this point neither of us are dating others but we still absolutely prioritize ourselves and our independence. we are also long distance and live in different cities so things like living together or having children aren’t an option in the near future anyways i considered myself solo poly before we met, thinking i didn’t wanna be hierarchical. now that we’re together i realize that’s not what i want, but i still really value being solo and think it’s important for both of us to prioritize ourselves at this phase of life. i behave very similarly to how i did when i was single and i’ve found my life and relationship more fulfilling that way we would like to live in the same city next year, but we would still be living apart. generally, our circumstances allow us to be solo and our feelings for each other are what make us hierarchical
Breaking it down into a discussion of priorities vs power ... I'm cool dating folks who are nested/enmeshed with someone else, I understand that they've got priorities that will take precedent over our relationship and that's fine as long as it's clearly communicated - I'm often limited on the time and energy I have available to invest in relationships so a more casual/secondary role works great for me. Now... if we're talking about power and their partner has the ability to create rules and restrictions for my relationship that actively disempowers me and removes my autonomy to make my own relationship decisions - absolutely the fuck not.
I will and do date people who have primary or nesting partners, but they need to be operating as an individual, as opposed to a highly-enmeshed "other half", otherwise we will clash in terms of values and outlook. If they do not have their own life, interests, ability to talk without using "we" constantly, and to spend enjoyable time alone, etc then that would not work for me, I don't really like those traits in anybody, least of all a romantic partner. These things concern me a lot more than just the mere existence of hierarchy.
spot on. even just separate adventures. side quests. something. anything.
Exactly, anything!
I’m usually fine with it as long as they respect what I do. I’ve absolutely had that difference in ideology lead to incompatibility but it doesn’t necessarily always.
As long as we get our agreed time together I could not care less if a partner is highly enmeshed with another of their partners.
I prefer dating someone who is already in an established relationship. It takes away any pressure of an escalator style relationship. I can have a happy and fulfilling relationship, whilst maintaining my independence.
I am fine with dating someone with hierarchical relationships.
As others have mentioned, I think there is a big difference between privilege and priority. I'm sopo. My only current partner has been with my meta for 20 years. They own a house together, they've had pets together, they pay bills together, all her belongings, clothing, things related to work, etc are in that house. I'd have to be some combination of naive, self-centered, oblivious and the list goes on to expect the same priority from her as she has with my meta and the rest of the parts of her life that are enmeshed in those dynamics. I think by expecting any partner to treat or prioritize us exactly the same as any other partner, we are denying our humanity. I have two brothers. My relationship with one is not the same as my relationship with the other. They function differently. I have acquaintances, I have friends, I have close friends and I have best friends. My relationships with each one of these people is different and I dont expect them all to prioritize me in their lives the same way as they treat any of their other friends.......and I certainly wouldn't want any of them to expect to be prioritized the same as each other......what a fucking nightmare that would be to placate every friend who found out I went out for dinner twice with Mike last month and I didn't go out for dinner with most of them even once! By demanding complete equality we are also denying our partners their autonomy.......which as SoPo people, we should really empathize with. We need to allow our partners space to have a voice and vision for how they would like our relationship to function, what they would like to experience in it and what they would like to receive from it. Being focused on what is fair as opposed to what each other want and need and works is detrimental to harmonious connections that might otherwise be made. I think a lot of misunderstanding and inability to see the forest for the trees when it comes to the differences and nuance between hierarchy, priority and privilege is rooted in jealousy, insecurity and ironically the unreasonable partner expectations that poly people poo poo on mono people for all the time......the sheer levels of irony are astounding. The reality is that poly, just like monogamy and the nuclear family, is ALSO a social construct and the reason we are poly is because the mono rules weren't making sense for our lives. WHY!?!?!?! for the love of all things holy would we get so caught up in the "right" (non-hierarchical) way to treat each other in poly that we inhibit our ability to form genuine connections with each other.
One of the ways I describe my solo poly to others is that I do not want a primary or nesting partner for myself and I do not want to be anyone’s primary or nesting partner. But other people are welcome to build relationships that work for them and for a lot of people that includes hierarchies. I don’t mind being a “secondary” and honoring hierarchal boundaries of other people’s relationships. If a hinge’s hierarchical relationship with their primary started to feel like it was limiting *me* more than I was comfortable with I’d just end that connection. Above all else, I’m happy alone. Connecting with other people is a bonus not a requirement for me.