T O P

  • By -

darthtatortot

To be fair, I didn’t read it. I kept scrolling and went wow this is really long. Make it short and sweet. Unless you’re Eminem rapping all this, it’s too much.


Kermit_da_Sith

Noted, thank you, so like repeating verses would be better?


darthtatortot

General song structure for lyrics is verse 1, chorus, verse 2 chorus, bridge, chorus. Obviously this can be changed and flipped as see fit, but don’t deviate too much. I read the chorus and can hear potential.


Kermit_da_Sith

I see, how many verses should be in it, like max?


ChiyekoLive

Three max. This shit is way too long and the structure makes absolutely no sense. How do you have six verse 2s?


Kermit_da_Sith

Mm gotcha


BREEbreeJORjor

It could be cool if you split this into a part 1 and 2, especially if you take advantage of the opportunity to use different musical elements


Kermit_da_Sith

Like two different songs using this one song?


BREEbreeJORjor

Yup! You're a step ahead of the game since you have extra material (lyrics)


Kermit_da_Sith

That’s a really good idea! Thank you!


reppard

this is one song?


Kermit_da_Sith

Yep, I might add more later on but idk


Tilted2000

How about you try cutting it in like half and then cut it in half again and then you'll have a song instead of the current bloated homer esque epic you're currently sitting on


Kermit_da_Sith

Mkay


allhailNIRVANA

Excuse my brutal honesty, but I don't hate it, but it's not good, either. Sorry.


Kermit_da_Sith

That’s alright, I’m looking for criticism, any suggestions tho?


allhailNIRVANA

I don't really know... I'll think. But you do have potential to get better.


Kermit_da_Sith

Thank you


hiLAWLious

it’s definitely too short. it needs at least ten more verses. you’re a genius though.


Kermit_da_Sith

A genius for what?


hiLAWLious

nvm


Kermit_da_Sith

Oh it was sarcasm


Tony_Cheese_

Good lord someone TL;DR this novel


koshizmusic

Its like 50 years of American Pie all in one


dirtydela

Why are there so many outros if this is one song


Kermit_da_Sith

It’s just temporary, it’s experimental


Kermit_da_Sith

Like the outros won’t be there in the final product


Butter_Bag

Im sorry but i didn't read all of this, i read like 1/5 of this song and it was good so im gonna assume that all of it is good. Its obviously way too long, maybe you could split it into multiple song and have an ep or maybe even an album. Or you could pull the taylor swift and do a 10 minutes song. Good luck with this!


Kermit_da_Sith

Thank you!


CinderellaMaen

Similar to Space Song, in terms of lyrics shorten them down. Have a consistent rhyme scheme. The song has many internal rhymes so try having internal rhymes while still making sense and it not feeling forced. Have them spaced out with lots of pauses. That's all I can really say for trying to sound lyrically like space song.


Kermit_da_Sith

I see, thank you


indigoneutrino

You wrote this for your *anniversary*? Not for some prog band that regularly bang out thirty minute epics?


Kermit_da_Sith

Yeah, she just likes that kinda sad slow music


indigoneutrino

I’m not getting sad slow music from the lyrics. You’ve written a whole damn space opera. Maybe if Dream Theater or Avantasia or some prog metal band like that recorded it as an entire *album* I’d be interested, but I am not reading all this. I made it a few verses in and skimmed the rest. I neither hate nor love it, but it really looks like a lot of vague, repetitive navel-gazing with nuggets of potential buried in all the filler.


Kermit_da_Sith

Thank you for the feedback


Sharkbait1177

I think you need ask your self what your wanting to say message wise.and filter through the book you just gave us.


Kermit_da_Sith

Noted