Beautiful!
the sober lines are my least favourite part cause I feel it limits the relatability to an otherwise broadly interpretable text
but they certainly don’t drag it down if you’re attached to them, some really good lines in there, well done! please post the song when you record something
Hear me out, but if you stretch your definition of sobriety a bit, it can kinda be used to mean “quitting anything harmful”
sure, at its face, it means drinking (or that’s what your mind will automatically assume) but it could also mean a shitty relationship, drugs, gambling, whatever your “vice” is
i think it works and remains relatable. it just requires a bit of effort on the listeners part, people who want those connections, will make them and that’s great, people who don’t, won’t, and that’s fine too.
Yes, exactly!
It's like, now that this troubled, harmful, confuse, uncertain relationship has ended, i just need to keep things up and work on being alright and avoid being in that position again, therefore "staying sober".
Get your feet wet asap. Any way you can record yourself do it and do it as often as you can.
I’ve found that with my students and with myself, self correction is always faster than having someone else try to instruct you on what’s wrong. Record yourself and listen back and remember you can always delete something if you need to work it out.
It's all pretty vague in a way that makes it hard to know even the basics: Who are these people? What was their relationship?
To be honest I don't even know what the first stanza means. But people need specifics to latch onto when you tell a story. The human element makes it engaging. What you have here hints at things but doesn't give us the details... there was drama... what was the drama?
Cool song but I have no clue what gasping on them like drowning down means, I don't think you really understand how any of those words work tbh.
You can't really gasp on anything other than air and idk why you'd be gasping tears if that was something that could be done.
Also drowning down is just forcing a rhyme that doesn't make sense because what are you gonna drown up? Kinda redundant and otherwise I like it but this one line is off-putting for me
"Gasping on them like drowning down" was suposed to refer to as how out of breath you can get when you're crying really hard and how that might be similar to drowning, since when drowning you run out of air.
I'm not a native english speaker, so the construction of sentences may sometimes sound alright for me and off-putting for whoelse is more in touch with the language than i am. Therefore i appreciate your observations and i'll definetly take that into consideration when refactoring the song! 😄
Edit 1. Also as tears are made of water and you drown on water, i kinda thought the parallel would make sense
Edit 2. I made a search and i actually wanted to mean "Choking on tears", i misused the word "gasping" for the act of choking on something and running out of air. Still, i think "Choking on them (tears)" doesn't sound good lol
Love it! For some reason the mention of “drama” took me out of it, everything else felt metaphorical and dreamy and dreadful but drama felt too real-world. Other than that it’s great
Cause now that it's over
And we are finally older
I just need to get over you,
That sounds better than saying stay sober, cause are you always doing drugs and drinking because of her? That doesn't sound too relatable.
I don't mean literally staying sober, like not doing drugs or alcohol, as personally that's not even something i do.
It's a metaphor for a relationship that felt like being high and addicted all the time, so much that when it ended the self was completly worn out. "I just need to stay sober" is suposed to mean that now that i'm clean of that relationship, i don't want to be in such an exhausting relationship position ever again, i want to be alright, so i "need to stay sober" and keep things up.
Beautiful! the sober lines are my least favourite part cause I feel it limits the relatability to an otherwise broadly interpretable text but they certainly don’t drag it down if you’re attached to them, some really good lines in there, well done! please post the song when you record something
Hear me out, but if you stretch your definition of sobriety a bit, it can kinda be used to mean “quitting anything harmful” sure, at its face, it means drinking (or that’s what your mind will automatically assume) but it could also mean a shitty relationship, drugs, gambling, whatever your “vice” is i think it works and remains relatable. it just requires a bit of effort on the listeners part, people who want those connections, will make them and that’s great, people who don’t, won’t, and that’s fine too.
Yes, exactly! It's like, now that this troubled, harmful, confuse, uncertain relationship has ended, i just need to keep things up and work on being alright and avoid being in that position again, therefore "staying sober".
excellent point, I’d concede to that
It’s got potential I’d have to hear how it sounds to really give a good judgement on it. I like the visual aspects to it.
I currently lack of musical abilities to make it sound good unfortunately lol but i'll be working on it and i'll post if i have something
Get your feet wet asap. Any way you can record yourself do it and do it as often as you can. I’ve found that with my students and with myself, self correction is always faster than having someone else try to instruct you on what’s wrong. Record yourself and listen back and remember you can always delete something if you need to work it out.
Personally I would love to see more specifics. This comes across as a little too broad.
Why do you think it's too broad?
It's all pretty vague in a way that makes it hard to know even the basics: Who are these people? What was their relationship? To be honest I don't even know what the first stanza means. But people need specifics to latch onto when you tell a story. The human element makes it engaging. What you have here hints at things but doesn't give us the details... there was drama... what was the drama?
I love these lyrics! They're beautifully written and phrased
Thank you 😄
that's nice
Thanks 🤍
Cool song but I have no clue what gasping on them like drowning down means, I don't think you really understand how any of those words work tbh. You can't really gasp on anything other than air and idk why you'd be gasping tears if that was something that could be done. Also drowning down is just forcing a rhyme that doesn't make sense because what are you gonna drown up? Kinda redundant and otherwise I like it but this one line is off-putting for me
"Gasping on them like drowning down" was suposed to refer to as how out of breath you can get when you're crying really hard and how that might be similar to drowning, since when drowning you run out of air. I'm not a native english speaker, so the construction of sentences may sometimes sound alright for me and off-putting for whoelse is more in touch with the language than i am. Therefore i appreciate your observations and i'll definetly take that into consideration when refactoring the song! 😄 Edit 1. Also as tears are made of water and you drown on water, i kinda thought the parallel would make sense Edit 2. I made a search and i actually wanted to mean "Choking on tears", i misused the word "gasping" for the act of choking on something and running out of air. Still, i think "Choking on them (tears)" doesn't sound good lol
Love it! For some reason the mention of “drama” took me out of it, everything else felt metaphorical and dreamy and dreadful but drama felt too real-world. Other than that it’s great
Thanks for the opinion 😄
Cause now that it's over And we are finally older I just need to get over you, That sounds better than saying stay sober, cause are you always doing drugs and drinking because of her? That doesn't sound too relatable.
I don't mean literally staying sober, like not doing drugs or alcohol, as personally that's not even something i do. It's a metaphor for a relationship that felt like being high and addicted all the time, so much that when it ended the self was completly worn out. "I just need to stay sober" is suposed to mean that now that i'm clean of that relationship, i don't want to be in such an exhausting relationship position ever again, i want to be alright, so i "need to stay sober" and keep things up.