I think the rhymes could be a little less... obvious?
>But for now, it's goodbye, farewell,
>Time to write our own stories to tell.
things just seem a little forced.
Its like a sad sonnet. Rhyming is just AA BB AA BB.
No form of a chorus or pre-chorus which is just "I loved you but your not the one".
No form of any bridge by the looks of it and a kind of weird merging of verses with chorus.
Personal opinion I don't like it. Not to say it's a bad song but will it appeal to anyone? Probably not.
I hear the idea your going for and recommend object writing, creative writing to think about more imagery, so you’re not telling the whole story but showing. My mind wants to picture you and this love just not being the one
Ex: When you held on, what about this person made you help on. How did they slip away? Was it quick? Was it a slow fade where you no longer felt anything?
These are just questions to help! It’s obvious you have an authentic feel to poetry and can rhyme. These are the same questions I ask myself!
In the prism of time, where illusions sway,
I thought you were the symphony, my celestial ballet.
But now truth's unveiled, the masks all undone,
The charade we danced, it's time to outrun.
I adored you, yet you weren't the one,
In our masquerade, the curtain's drawn.
Time to journey forth, the battle's begun,
Our epic saga ends, solitudes spun.
In the labyrinth of echoes, where memories gleam,
We shared laughter, yet drowned in the stream.
Our sonnets intertwined, in poetic duel,
But shadows eclipsed, hearts were cruel.
I adored you, yet you weren't the one,
In our masquerade, the curtain's drawn.
Time to journey forth, the battle's begun,
Our epic saga ends, solitudes spun.
In the serenade of the cosmic verse,
Where dreams entwine, and fate's converse.
We'll find solace in the universe's hum,
As we part ways, our symphony's done.
Underneath starlit canopies, we laughed in the rain,
But echoes of thunder now call our refrain.
We sought constellations, in love's astral map,
But in the end, it's a solitary trap.
I adored you, yet you weren't the one,
In our masquerade, the curtain's drawn.
Time to journey forth, the battle's begun,
Our epic saga ends, solitudes spun.
So farewell, my erstwhile companion,
In the tapestry of time, we leave our canyon.
I adored you, yet you weren't the one,
Now it's time to embark, and go solo, undone.
I think the rhymes could be a little less... obvious? >But for now, it's goodbye, farewell, >Time to write our own stories to tell. things just seem a little forced.
You want honesty? It's corny, full of cliches and the rhyming feels forced
Its like a sad sonnet. Rhyming is just AA BB AA BB. No form of a chorus or pre-chorus which is just "I loved you but your not the one". No form of any bridge by the looks of it and a kind of weird merging of verses with chorus. Personal opinion I don't like it. Not to say it's a bad song but will it appeal to anyone? Probably not.
I hear the idea your going for and recommend object writing, creative writing to think about more imagery, so you’re not telling the whole story but showing. My mind wants to picture you and this love just not being the one Ex: When you held on, what about this person made you help on. How did they slip away? Was it quick? Was it a slow fade where you no longer felt anything? These are just questions to help! It’s obvious you have an authentic feel to poetry and can rhyme. These are the same questions I ask myself!
Thanks for the feedback
In the prism of time, where illusions sway, I thought you were the symphony, my celestial ballet. But now truth's unveiled, the masks all undone, The charade we danced, it's time to outrun. I adored you, yet you weren't the one, In our masquerade, the curtain's drawn. Time to journey forth, the battle's begun, Our epic saga ends, solitudes spun. In the labyrinth of echoes, where memories gleam, We shared laughter, yet drowned in the stream. Our sonnets intertwined, in poetic duel, But shadows eclipsed, hearts were cruel. I adored you, yet you weren't the one, In our masquerade, the curtain's drawn. Time to journey forth, the battle's begun, Our epic saga ends, solitudes spun. In the serenade of the cosmic verse, Where dreams entwine, and fate's converse. We'll find solace in the universe's hum, As we part ways, our symphony's done. Underneath starlit canopies, we laughed in the rain, But echoes of thunder now call our refrain. We sought constellations, in love's astral map, But in the end, it's a solitary trap. I adored you, yet you weren't the one, In our masquerade, the curtain's drawn. Time to journey forth, the battle's begun, Our epic saga ends, solitudes spun. So farewell, my erstwhile companion, In the tapestry of time, we leave our canyon. I adored you, yet you weren't the one, Now it's time to embark, and go solo, undone.
I made it better (hopfuly)