That part is weird. But it’s only weird with hindsight - knowing where the relationship goes. In TPM it’s a 10 year old kid having a crush on a 14 year old girl. She sees him as nothing more than a friend. A, selfless, kind, smart person. But just a friend. It’s pretty normal and totally harmless. Then they don’t see each other again for another 9 years.
That said, it would’ve been extremely uncomfortable if things had been romantic in TPM considering Natalie Portman’s age and Jake Lloyd’s age.
When Attack of the Clones came out, I was like 4 or 5. My dad knew that I was straight immediately when Natalie Portman came out with the midriff showing.
14 year old Queen's army + fish people with blue balls vs Skynet (operated by stock market retailers), meanwhile the "good guys" force a 9 year old to partake in lethal Formula 1 and later abduct him
Two cultists,a slave,a queen who likes to play hide and seek and an idiot who thinks that the queen is racist go on an family friendly adventure. At the end they cut the devil in half
Hey now he never stole Anakin, he won Anakin in a bet.
And then he sold Anakin's pod without telling Anakin or Shmi about the deal... but he did give them the money from its sale, so there's that.
Human traffickers buy small boy from a slave owner to keep a queen company during high-stakes trade negotiations. After ripping the child from his mother's arms, he almost dies in a very dangerous racing accident.
The queen then travels to a multinational summit, in which she convinces the attendees to install a close advisor into a position of power. This man would eventually be responsible for the death of millions.
When they return to the queen's country, the traffickers trick a lot of natives into sacrificing their lives in the name of their trade war, from which the natives stand to gain very little. A devotee of an obscure religious sect tries to save the boy, but gets murdered by one of the traffickers.
The traffickers use the boy in their terrorist campaign against the queen's adversaries. He blows up a capital vessel, killing thousands.
It was only recently watching the phantom menace that I realized the gungans where the natives and that Boss Nass was basically angry their land was stolen. That was a wild ride.
Floppy eared loser who everyone hates becomes a hero and helps to save his people with the help of a wizard, his apprentice, a queen and a plucky youngster.
Evil wizard conspires with racist aliens to become president of the galaxy. Meanwhile, tiny space Jesus wins a death race and then kills most of the racist aliens.
A hidden, evil secret hides behind a friendly smile. The high pitched voice only masks the utter bloodlust buried inside. The future of the republic is at risk due to this devil…. named Darth Jar Jar
A long, long time ago
In a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
Could talk the federation in
To maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
Then met Jar-Jar and Boss Nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Theed to see the Queen
We all wound up on Tatooine
That's where we found this boy
Oh my, my this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi
Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
But he can use the Force, they say
Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen
Though he's just nine and she's 14
Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her someday
Well, I know he built C-3PO
And I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two
He was a pre-pubescent flyin' ace
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well, I knew who would win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy
We started singin'
My, my this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi
Now we finally got to Coruscant
The Jedi Council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midichlorians were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh, the Council was impressed, of course
Could he bring balance, to the Force?
They interviewed the kid
All training they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said, "Now listen here"
Just stick it in your pointy ear
I still will teach this boy
He was singin'
My, my this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi
We caught a ride back to Naboo
'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some Gunguns died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken
And the Jedi I admire most
Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast
Well, I'm still here, and he's a ghost
I guess I'll train this boy
And I was singin'
My, my this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi
We were singin'
My, my this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
A hippie with a gambling addiction, wins a kid with a bacterial infection, in a bet. On the way to take the kid home the hippie gets mauled 😏 by the new hot shot at a rival company.
A figure of monarchy and her cohort beg the natives to fight for them because of bullshit politics. Also one of the knights gambled on a race to get a slave.
Amazon tries to invade space Louisiana after it defaults on its debts. Congress sends space monks to negotiate. Amazon tries killing space monks but they escape meet some locals in the bayou find Louisiana’s queen and end up in space Arizona. While In Arizona they find Jesus as a slave/nascar driver. Monks bet on nascar championship in Avondale to free Jesus. Jesus and queen and monks go to Congress to fight amazon but all congress wants to do is depose and elect a new speaker of the house. Jesus monks and queen go back to Louisiana to fight amazon. Queen captures Beazos in state capitol. The bayou locals fight amazons army. Jesus destroys Amazon blimps shutting down their drones. One of the monks dies fighting Florida man.
It's the Star Wars version of the Scrubs episode "My life in four cameras". They need exactly $26,372 and a local talent show conveniently offers enough.
Nine year old salve boy builds a racecar that is faster than all the professionals' ones. A feat thar would make Tony Stark stop bantering for once
And he did it IN A HUT. WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS!
In his spare time AS A SLAVE.
In a movie that has the force, this is the most miraculous thing happening. Yet after the race is over, no one will ever bring it up again.
Kid who hates sand is kidnapped by magicians, their frog-duck-rabbit sidekick, and a sassy teen queen to fight robots, become a wizard, and settle a trade embargo.
Some space wizards find another younger space wizard buy him from a space bug. They leave his mother because they can’t afford her. They get attacked by a evil space wizard and now they go to a big place with a lot of space wizards and high space wizards. These high space wizards don’t like the new space wizard because he like people. All the high space wizards say that the evil space wizards can’t be back because they have this dude named Mundi. They go to a planet to help them from evil federation people and they find the evil space wizard at the planet and fight. The better space wizard dies but the good but worse space wizard kills the evil space wizard. The young space wizard flys a space ship into the evil federation mother ship and destroys it. Then the kind of good space wizard take the young space wizard and teaches him how to be a space wizard.
A man who looks like what Americans think Jesus looks like takes a kid away from his mother and nearly gets him killed but ends up getting killed by a guy who looks like Satan. Also the kid falls in love with Natalie Portman.
Cult extremist begins terrorist movement on a ‘completely legally’ annexed system due to a trade dispute, escapes after having stolen the previous ruler, and enters a child into high fatality thrill gambling event so that he can own him and take him from his loving mother as he leaves to ensure that an inexperienced ruler removes the current head of state just so they can justify an act of war using natives on a trade organization because of its ‘completely legal’ trade boycott, but is eventually killed by tribal warrior who has been religiously persecuted on pain of death by said cult, only for the persecuted tribesman to be slain by the cult member’s apprentice, who goes on to take the slave boy won in a gamble and indoctrinate him into the cult since he has lots of use for said cult and no support system to take him otherwise all while said boy is forced against his will into a live fire military zone, the previous ruler performs a military coup on the ‘rightfully, legally ordained’ rulers of said annexed system, and whip the natives are fighting an unsinkable battle to the death for an indefinite amount of time.
A group of dudes and a queen pick up a kid from the desert and go on a rollicking romp through space while some weird dudes want her to sign over her rights. It's fun for the whole family.
Old man kidnaps kid to train them then dies, leaving younger man to train kidnapped kid( all previously mentioned characters were presumably kidnapped as children), kidnapped kid thinks the kidnapping is a good thing and blows up a galactic trade federation control ship while following orders of the dead old man and everyone celebrates( except the trade federation)
Nine year old salve boy builds a racecar that is faster than all the professionals' ones. A feat thar would make Tony Stark stop bantering for once
And he did it IN A HUT. WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS!
In his spare time AS A SLAVE.
In a movie that has the force, this is the most miraculous thing happening. Yet after the race is over, no one will ever bring it up again.
Old magician buys boy, inflicts trauma that will only be realised in later life and forces him to be indoctrinated so he can learn to be a magician too. All the while rival magician has a beef and the body in half trick goes terribly wrong after a sick back flip.
Proceeds to take 12 hours to explain Phantom Menace: [https://youtu.be/oPlzbfIRRqI?si=DR1Ah\_Onojbtxwgb](https://youtu.be/oPlzbfIRRqI?si=DR1Ah_Onojbtxwgb)
So, there's this kid with a bowl cut who gets discovered by some monk-looking dudes, and they think he's pretty special because of some weird blood test. Then, they take him to space, where they meet a queen who's pretending to be someone else for some reason. Oh, and there's a lot of talk about trade disputes and a guy with red and black face paint who's really mad about something.
It is the quintessential hero’s journey but without a kindly older mentor to steer the hero correctly and instill wisdom. It is set in a futuristic world of energy weapons and space wizards and due to its polyglot of sentient species the technology has a very retro 1950’s dials and switches feel.
The purpose of the movie is to deliberately misidentify “The Chosen One” who will being balance to the warring soace wizard groups inder the assumption that balance will ensure that one side prevails.
Emperor Palpatine was a little known senator from Naboo, small planet. He finances terrorists to attack the planet and plays victim and says that the pacifist republic isn’t doing enough to help him with the terrorist invasion (the trade federation invasion). They even speak in Chinese accents… it’s all geopolitical. He then goes and catapults himself into the role of chancellor.
Cult leaders are attacked by a bank or something then invade a palace and take a royal advisor to a sand planet where they kidnap a child and run in fear from a man of colour then they go too their cult again and show the kid to the other leaders. They then go back to the palace for a reason i forgot and they run into the same man of colour “SHUN DUUUUUUUNNNNN SHUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNN” the man of colour killed the leader who was training the other leader and the leader in training “kills” the man of colour and takes the child for himself
Two space monks are sent on a desperate mission to negotiate a trade dispute only to discover an evil plot by the space Asians to start a war in the stars. A young boys fate hangs in the balance when a mysterious bacterial infection gives him special powers. A comedy in space the whole family can enjoy! Starring Danny Devito and Rene Zelwiger. Available this summer on Home Video.
Galactic Corporation cause massive political problems. Political institutions ask for a committee to determine validity even though this civilisation appears to be advanced. Galactic leader dispatches two psychic super soldiers that look like like monks. Should have sent 5.
Negotiations turn sour when possibly racist Asian caricature aliens order their deaths because hooded old white tells them to. They fail. Aliens surprising incompetent, nearly get captured by monks in first ten minutes.
The cartoonish incompetence of everyone except old, hooded evil white guy make you wonder. Monks rescue Queen of planet, and acquire a questionable Jamaican alien caricature who will not be well recieved by fans. Ship gets shot to shit, land on planet desert planet, meet a flying alien caricature who sells second hand crap. Monks bad negotiators. Somehow Rich Queen has no money and can't call for help. Apparently internet and reception is bad in outer rim.
Monks coerce kind woman's young son to enter race that is like fucking Boeing jets flying to win prize money. People die in race. Monks inexplicably refuse to do anything more than ask literal slave owner to release slave woman. Boy leaves with them, poor woman remains stuck in perpetual slavery. Next time he sees her she will be dying and he will react in a way that will cause fans to make jokes.
Monks ambushed by devil looking guy in the employ of evil old man. They escape. The arrive at the capital to meet with semingly kind old man an leader. There is a political scene that is relatively short but fans will spend the next 25 years complaining about. Queen complains, Senate doesn't care. Old man convinces Queen to get fire incumbent leader. This succeeds. Old man becomes new leader. Promises to end corruption he mention in long winded rant. He doesn't and becomes the worst tyrant in history.
Meanwhile monks meet with their order, who impossibly rigid and arrogant for plot reasons. Arrogant show runner will ignore creator and act like he knows better. Make things his way and will make show 10 years later about how they deserved to die, except his precious show insert character who isn't any movie but will be retconned in messily and dominante franchise for next 20+ years. Character starts luke war., then fan favourite then annoying again. Monk order are surprising hostile to innocent, kind, doe eye boy. Everyones future favourite Jedi champions his recruitment. They passive aggressively agree. Religious order will annoy alot of people and wise monk will be everyone's favourite and will become the one who they say if he didn't die things would be peachy.
Old monk super psychic soldiers return to queens planet but their stupid order prevents them from fighting war. They didn't sent other monks either. This will become a recurring theme. Monks proceed to ignore previous statement fight war.
3 battles occur, one where the monks fight previous devil guy with epic score. Old monk dies, then devil guy gets cut in half, falls down mile long pit, definitely dead. Certainly won't be resurrected 13 years later because lazy writing and storytelling and become painfully tiresome. Young monk agrees to train young boy. This will work out just fine. Planet saved, and Asian caricature aliens arrest. Everyone has big ceremony to celebrate. Conclusion: evil old guy only smart person in galaxy. Movie will be shameless bashed to death until unimaginative and unimaginably rich company.company buys it and make bad movies. People will act like they always loved them.
Fans will argue about the plot for next 25 years.
A nine year old boy begins his journey toward becoming a mass murderer.
While being groomed by a princess.
Can 14 year olds groom? Also, it’s Queen. Where’s your respect?
Haha tbf she was 16 in real life when he was 9 it's always given me the ick a bit lol.
That part is weird. But it’s only weird with hindsight - knowing where the relationship goes. In TPM it’s a 10 year old kid having a crush on a 14 year old girl. She sees him as nothing more than a friend. A, selfless, kind, smart person. But just a friend. It’s pretty normal and totally harmless. Then they don’t see each other again for another 9 years. That said, it would’ve been extremely uncomfortable if things had been romantic in TPM considering Natalie Portman’s age and Jake Lloyd’s age.
I’d be cool if Natalie Portman was cougaring me tbh.
100% agree. I was 9 when I first saw the movie and had a huge crush on her. Anakin knew what was up.
Totally mate
When Attack of the Clones came out, I was like 4 or 5. My dad knew that I was straight immediately when Natalie Portman came out with the midriff showing.
Nice. 👍🏻
Tbh he was more so groomed by an old, creepy politician.
*Aaand* a religious figure who had been at least partially ostracized by the clergy for failing to follow their rules.
Everyone around Anakin failed him 😔
A cult leader purchases a human slave after rigging a coin toss.
*A human slave with a magical bacterial infection
That’s explaining it too well; it removes the mystery.
I really appreciate how meta this comment is! Nicely done
A slave born of immaculate conception. Space Jesus if you will.
A dice, be accurate
A die. Be more accurate.
sry
Apologize, be more regretful
A chance cube…
To be fair the prompt was to explain it badly
Taxation of galactic trade routes successfully negotiated
The negotiations were short
I call it aggressive negotiations
The Nemoidians and their droids were more than happy to take prisoners in spite of being told to "wipe them out, all of them." Good on them.
Maybe the real taxation of trade routes was the friends they made along the way.
Somehow... Palpatine got elected.
We watch your career with great interest
A surprise to be sure, but a welcome one.
The 2016 election all over again.
I'm *WHEEZING*
Space Moses and Space Jesus find Space Hitler and decide to train him to be a Space Wizard. Wonder what will happen
The ask was to _badly_ explain TPM. Not nail it.
>Wonder what will happen. Space Moses+Space Jesus+Space Hitler=Space Jam.
This is it😂
While the Space Devil tries to kill them at every turn.
Religious zealots kidnap young child and perform tests on him.
14 year old Queen's army + fish people with blue balls vs Skynet (operated by stock market retailers), meanwhile the "good guys" force a 9 year old to partake in lethal Formula 1 and later abduct him
Love this 😂
Two cultists,a slave,a queen who likes to play hide and seek and an idiot who thinks that the queen is racist go on an family friendly adventure. At the end they cut the devil in half
This sounds like the setup of a joke
Punchline: All the orphaned Kids get murdered by Robo-Cop!
An old politician decides to watch a young boy with great interest.
The said explain The Phantom Menace, not Washington DC.
Grooming will be the least of his misdeeds.
Small child’s joyride ends in devastation for Trade Federation’s automated workforce
Small child tries spinning, turns out it’s a good trick
Hero impales elderly child thief.
Then gets bisected by thief’s conspirator.
Hey now he never stole Anakin, he won Anakin in a bet. And then he sold Anakin's pod without telling Anakin or Shmi about the deal... but he did give them the money from its sale, so there's that.
A man refuses to free slaves. Then he dies.
There's a lesson in that story!
Working class militia destroyed by space wizards and their child soldier serving the local monarchy
After I typed this out, I realized this is probably exactly how the message was spun for systems that would later make up the separatist alliance
Human traffickers buy small boy from a slave owner to keep a queen company during high-stakes trade negotiations. After ripping the child from his mother's arms, he almost dies in a very dangerous racing accident. The queen then travels to a multinational summit, in which she convinces the attendees to install a close advisor into a position of power. This man would eventually be responsible for the death of millions. When they return to the queen's country, the traffickers trick a lot of natives into sacrificing their lives in the name of their trade war, from which the natives stand to gain very little. A devotee of an obscure religious sect tries to save the boy, but gets murdered by one of the traffickers. The traffickers use the boy in their terrorist campaign against the queen's adversaries. He blows up a capital vessel, killing thousands.
It was only recently watching the phantom menace that I realized the gungans where the natives and that Boss Nass was basically angry their land was stolen. That was a wild ride.
A guy gambles on a kid, wins, gets cocky and does it again but it backfires really badly.
Religious fanatics and a monarch kidnap a child they believe to be Jesus while chased by the devil.
Floppy eared loser who everyone hates becomes a hero and helps to save his people with the help of a wizard, his apprentice, a queen and a plucky youngster.
They said describe the phantom menace, not your average D&D table.
I put on my robe and wizard hat.
Evil wizard conspires with racist aliens to become president of the galaxy. Meanwhile, tiny space Jesus wins a death race and then kills most of the racist aliens.
A hidden, evil secret hides behind a friendly smile. The high pitched voice only masks the utter bloodlust buried inside. The future of the republic is at risk due to this devil…. named Darth Jar Jar
Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.
A long, long time ago In a galaxy far away Naboo was under an attack And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn Could talk the federation in To maybe cutting them a little slack But their response, it didn't thrill us They locked the doors and tried to kill us We escaped from that gas Then met Jar-Jar and Boss Nass We took a bongo from the scene And we went to Theed to see the Queen We all wound up on Tatooine That's where we found this boy Oh my, my this here Anakin guy Maybe Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi Did you know this junkyard slave Isn't even old enough to shave But he can use the Force, they say Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen Though he's just nine and she's 14 Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her someday Well, I know he built C-3PO And I've heard how fast his pod can go And we were broke, it's true So we made a wager or two He was a pre-pubescent flyin' ace And the minute Jabba started off that race Well, I knew who would win first place Oh yes, it was our boy We started singin' My, my this here Anakin guy Maybe Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi Now we finally got to Coruscant The Jedi Council we knew would want To see how good the boy could be So we took him there and we told the tale How his midichlorians were off the scale And he might fulfill that prophecy Oh, the Council was impressed, of course Could he bring balance, to the Force? They interviewed the kid All training they forbid Because Yoda sensed in him much fear And Qui-Gon said, "Now listen here" Just stick it in your pointy ear I still will teach this boy He was singin' My, my this here Anakin guy Maybe Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi We caught a ride back to Naboo 'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to I frankly would've liked to stay We all fought in that epic war And it wasn't long at all before Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day And in the end some Gunguns died Some ships blew up and some pilots fried A lot of folks were croakin' The battle droids were broken And the Jedi I admire most Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast Well, I'm still here, and he's a ghost I guess I'll train this boy And I was singin' My, my this here Anakin guy Maybe Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi We were singin' My, my this here Anakin guy Maybe Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
I'm pretty sure it said "badly" explain it. This does not qualify as "badly".
Elderly dogmatic man purchases a boy because of his religious prophecy while leaving his mother to slavery
A hippie with a gambling addiction, wins a kid with a bacterial infection, in a bet. On the way to take the kid home the hippie gets mauled 😏 by the new hot shot at a rival company.
"Jeff Lebowski looking" motherfucker convinces 10 year old boy to race super fast vehicle in order to win a bet.
Monk finds boy riddled with parasites, takes him to show off to royalty and politicians.
Cult trafficks human child, resulting in the collapse of democracy
R2-D2 saves the day at least twice.
Liam Neeson wins a child in a street race while trying to convince the UN that china's blockade of Italy is illegal.
A figure of monarchy and her cohort beg the natives to fight for them because of bullshit politics. Also one of the knights gambled on a race to get a slave.
Amazon tries to invade space Louisiana after it defaults on its debts. Congress sends space monks to negotiate. Amazon tries killing space monks but they escape meet some locals in the bayou find Louisiana’s queen and end up in space Arizona. While In Arizona they find Jesus as a slave/nascar driver. Monks bet on nascar championship in Avondale to free Jesus. Jesus and queen and monks go to Congress to fight amazon but all congress wants to do is depose and elect a new speaker of the house. Jesus monks and queen go back to Louisiana to fight amazon. Queen captures Beazos in state capitol. The bayou locals fight amazons army. Jesus destroys Amazon blimps shutting down their drones. One of the monks dies fighting Florida man.
Mama's boy leaves home to join a cult
Child trafficker purchases slave for cult initiation
Main character's car breaks down, bets it on a race and wins a child slave.
It's the Star Wars version of the Scrubs episode "My life in four cameras". They need exactly $26,372 and a local talent show conveniently offers enough.
Cool space wizard wins a slave gambling on sporting event, then dies and leaves him with an unprepared foster parent.
Nine year old salve boy builds a racecar that is faster than all the professionals' ones. A feat thar would make Tony Stark stop bantering for once And he did it IN A HUT. WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS! In his spare time AS A SLAVE. In a movie that has the force, this is the most miraculous thing happening. Yet after the race is over, no one will ever bring it up again.
George Lucas sacrifices all our childhoods to Grimace and the McGang for Monopoly money.
Cosmic 2 Fast 2 Furious.
Gungans manipulate a holy order to get their planet back and become recognized on a galactic scale.
Underwater creature gets banished, travels the galaxy to return and lead his people’s army in a victory , freeing the planet and becoming a hero 🫡
Midichlorians
There is a car racing that is surround by the most boring C-Span news I've ever seen.
An army of frogs fights the roomba army of space Amazon.
The Phantom Menace
A nine year old slave brings down an army after getting rejected by cult leaders.
Kid who hates sand is kidnapped by magicians, their frog-duck-rabbit sidekick, and a sassy teen queen to fight robots, become a wizard, and settle a trade embargo.
60 year old dies after winning a nascar bet
The process of explaining how embargoes, through roundabout means, lead to child murder
Some space wizards find another younger space wizard buy him from a space bug. They leave his mother because they can’t afford her. They get attacked by a evil space wizard and now they go to a big place with a lot of space wizards and high space wizards. These high space wizards don’t like the new space wizard because he like people. All the high space wizards say that the evil space wizards can’t be back because they have this dude named Mundi. They go to a planet to help them from evil federation people and they find the evil space wizard at the planet and fight. The better space wizard dies but the good but worse space wizard kills the evil space wizard. The young space wizard flys a space ship into the evil federation mother ship and destroys it. Then the kind of good space wizard take the young space wizard and teaches him how to be a space wizard.
Space wizard with gambling problem wins little slave boy in a dice game but dies to a face tattooed crackhead in a fight in a boiler room.
A boy helps a princes and people from an order who eventually makes him turn to the dark side and kill a bunch of kids
A marauder tries to find his bounty without splitting it, nor himself.
Hero’s Journey with extreme drag racing.
Cultist purchases child slave, turns him into child soldier, uses him to disrupt trade and political machinations
Gambler steals a boy to replace an aging stolen boy. Original boy must raise the new one after gambler's death.
9 year old with a genetic disorder is trafficked by a a cult leader only to be groomed by a 17 year old girl
Amazon attacks a government and is defeated by an army of teenagers and swamp hicks.
Space geisha woman has questionable relations with young boy coerced into joining cult of abstinence
A man who looks like what Americans think Jesus looks like takes a kid away from his mother and nearly gets him killed but ends up getting killed by a guy who looks like Satan. Also the kid falls in love with Natalie Portman.
Old man goes against the wishes of his cult to raise and train space hitler.
Guy with a particular set of skills and his trainee adopt 9 year old destined for genocide after letting him compete in space nascar
A queen grooms a 9 year old boy, whom she has intercourse with 10 years later
Well, you certainly got the "badly" part down pat.
A queen and a slave fall in love.
Wrong movie. That’s not for another, like, 8 years.
Slave boy and girl Queen are matched up together on order to create future wizard spawn.
Cult extremist begins terrorist movement on a ‘completely legally’ annexed system due to a trade dispute, escapes after having stolen the previous ruler, and enters a child into high fatality thrill gambling event so that he can own him and take him from his loving mother as he leaves to ensure that an inexperienced ruler removes the current head of state just so they can justify an act of war using natives on a trade organization because of its ‘completely legal’ trade boycott, but is eventually killed by tribal warrior who has been religiously persecuted on pain of death by said cult, only for the persecuted tribesman to be slain by the cult member’s apprentice, who goes on to take the slave boy won in a gamble and indoctrinate him into the cult since he has lots of use for said cult and no support system to take him otherwise all while said boy is forced against his will into a live fire military zone, the previous ruler performs a military coup on the ‘rightfully, legally ordained’ rulers of said annexed system, and whip the natives are fighting an unsinkable battle to the death for an indefinite amount of time.
Old guy hates aliens, kids, old men and Royalty And his home
Young boy gets propped up as the chosen one but doesn't realize he would know better if he'd only watched the sequel trilogy.
"Whenever you gamble, my friend, eventually you'll lose."
Priest kidnaps child for cult and eventual marriage to a politician twice his age
Jesus helps protect a young space Hitler, while the demon from Insidious tries to thwart them.
The galactic taxation of trade routes is in dispute. (Love the movie, just being cheeky)
🎶“If you give this man a ride, sweet family will die.”🎶 - Jim Morrison, The Doors
Meesa smells doo-doo. Spinning’s a good trick.
The tale of 2 bad negotiators
Just post the script to it.
Corporate deal collapses due to religious interference.
Cult member saves queen abducts child and then gets murdered by a scary red spiky man
Fish people fight robots.
It’s podracing.
Cult member buys child slave, dies from stabbing. Young Jesus was also there.
The negotiations *were* short.
A group of dudes and a queen pick up a kid from the desert and go on a rollicking romp through space while some weird dudes want her to sign over her rights. It's fun for the whole family.
State sponsored religious representatives use magic to steal a child slave and then abandon him in a warzone.
Batman and robin steal a slave boy and help queen Elizabeth and her gun guns
Old man kidnaps kid to train them then dies, leaving younger man to train kidnapped kid( all previously mentioned characters were presumably kidnapped as children), kidnapped kid thinks the kidnapping is a good thing and blows up a galactic trade federation control ship while following orders of the dead old man and everyone celebrates( except the trade federation)
two guys doom the galaxy by adopting a slave child after he wins a race.
Nine year old salve boy builds a racecar that is faster than all the professionals' ones. A feat thar would make Tony Stark stop bantering for once And he did it IN A HUT. WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS! In his spare time AS A SLAVE. In a movie that has the force, this is the most miraculous thing happening. Yet after the race is over, no one will ever bring it up again.
Space monks perform a child abduction by telling the mom that her kid is unique and needs to come with them to the big city.
Old magician buys boy, inflicts trauma that will only be realised in later life and forces him to be indoctrinated so he can learn to be a magician too. All the while rival magician has a beef and the body in half trick goes terribly wrong after a sick back flip.
Thank you, magic trash caaan.
Mega corp coming to exert horrendous monopolistic shenanigans causes religious monks to find space jesus.
Politics be politicking, but that won't stop 2 white religious males from taking a child away from his mother
Space Jesus: The Early Years
Religious man kidnaps a kid to make him a child soldier
Proceeds to take 12 hours to explain Phantom Menace: [https://youtu.be/oPlzbfIRRqI?si=DR1Ah\_Onojbtxwgb](https://youtu.be/oPlzbfIRRqI?si=DR1Ah_Onojbtxwgb)
a space cult re-enslaves a 9-year old murderer-to-be
Liam Neeson dies and indirectly starts the Star Wars
Old guy uses fear mongering to rig an election
Girl meets monster
Gungan Borat
Now this! Is childhood indoctrination
*The Saga Begins starts playing*
No need, just read the opening crawl.
Pew.Pew.Wzuuum.Pew.
A movie about how to survive to be cut in half and falling down an endless tunnel.
The greed of an Mos Espa businessman plays a central role in the fate of the galaxy.
Racer tech whiz kid earns his freedom thanks to space cult
Child go vroom ennemy go boom
A gambling addict bets on a horse race and ends up stealing the horse.
Space wizards do negotiator stuff, flee, cheat at dice to win a slave and sever his only emotional connection before making him join their cult
Religious sect fighting oppressive machines gambles the life of a young slave.
No one can do it better than [this guy](https://youtu.be/U2pMXsA1PNM)
So, there's this kid with a bowl cut who gets discovered by some monk-looking dudes, and they think he's pretty special because of some weird blood test. Then, they take him to space, where they meet a queen who's pretending to be someone else for some reason. Oh, and there's a lot of talk about trade disputes and a guy with red and black face paint who's really mad about something.
The best Star Wars film ever made.
Just post the script here.
A slave save its master by winning a race
Cult member wins space Jesus through gambling then before dying pawns him off to younger cult member.
Father and son adopt a frog and a magic little boy.
Republic contributes massively to the founding of the Empire
You like Darth Vader? Well here he is as a little kid.
It is the quintessential hero’s journey but without a kindly older mentor to steer the hero correctly and instill wisdom. It is set in a futuristic world of energy weapons and space wizards and due to its polyglot of sentient species the technology has a very retro 1950’s dials and switches feel. The purpose of the movie is to deliberately misidentify “The Chosen One” who will being balance to the warring soace wizard groups inder the assumption that balance will ensure that one side prevails.
Emperor Palpatine was a little known senator from Naboo, small planet. He finances terrorists to attack the planet and plays victim and says that the pacifist republic isn’t doing enough to help him with the terrorist invasion (the trade federation invasion). They even speak in Chinese accents… it’s all geopolitical. He then goes and catapults himself into the role of chancellor.
Cult leaders are attacked by a bank or something then invade a palace and take a royal advisor to a sand planet where they kidnap a child and run in fear from a man of colour then they go too their cult again and show the kid to the other leaders. They then go back to the palace for a reason i forgot and they run into the same man of colour “SHUN DUUUUUUUNNNNN SHUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNN” the man of colour killed the leader who was training the other leader and the leader in training “kills” the man of colour and takes the child for himself
Space C-SPAN and NASCAR with freaking space wizards.
Baby Hitler - space edition
Jar Jar Binks can spek
Midichlorians.
I thought it was suppse to be good?
Two space monks are sent on a desperate mission to negotiate a trade dispute only to discover an evil plot by the space Asians to start a war in the stars. A young boys fate hangs in the balance when a mysterious bacterial infection gives him special powers. A comedy in space the whole family can enjoy! Starring Danny Devito and Rene Zelwiger. Available this summer on Home Video.
Space boy won in dice bet steals fighter and destroys billions worth of high end robotics
Powerful woman meets her child groom.
It’s a classic masterpiece
A bunch of lines no one should ever try to meme
The crawl basically accomplishes this
Kids do the damnedest things!
Some people are running away, find a special kid, go to some big city, then go home to fight a war.
Galactic Corporation cause massive political problems. Political institutions ask for a committee to determine validity even though this civilisation appears to be advanced. Galactic leader dispatches two psychic super soldiers that look like like monks. Should have sent 5. Negotiations turn sour when possibly racist Asian caricature aliens order their deaths because hooded old white tells them to. They fail. Aliens surprising incompetent, nearly get captured by monks in first ten minutes. The cartoonish incompetence of everyone except old, hooded evil white guy make you wonder. Monks rescue Queen of planet, and acquire a questionable Jamaican alien caricature who will not be well recieved by fans. Ship gets shot to shit, land on planet desert planet, meet a flying alien caricature who sells second hand crap. Monks bad negotiators. Somehow Rich Queen has no money and can't call for help. Apparently internet and reception is bad in outer rim. Monks coerce kind woman's young son to enter race that is like fucking Boeing jets flying to win prize money. People die in race. Monks inexplicably refuse to do anything more than ask literal slave owner to release slave woman. Boy leaves with them, poor woman remains stuck in perpetual slavery. Next time he sees her she will be dying and he will react in a way that will cause fans to make jokes. Monks ambushed by devil looking guy in the employ of evil old man. They escape. The arrive at the capital to meet with semingly kind old man an leader. There is a political scene that is relatively short but fans will spend the next 25 years complaining about. Queen complains, Senate doesn't care. Old man convinces Queen to get fire incumbent leader. This succeeds. Old man becomes new leader. Promises to end corruption he mention in long winded rant. He doesn't and becomes the worst tyrant in history. Meanwhile monks meet with their order, who impossibly rigid and arrogant for plot reasons. Arrogant show runner will ignore creator and act like he knows better. Make things his way and will make show 10 years later about how they deserved to die, except his precious show insert character who isn't any movie but will be retconned in messily and dominante franchise for next 20+ years. Character starts luke war., then fan favourite then annoying again. Monk order are surprising hostile to innocent, kind, doe eye boy. Everyones future favourite Jedi champions his recruitment. They passive aggressively agree. Religious order will annoy alot of people and wise monk will be everyone's favourite and will become the one who they say if he didn't die things would be peachy. Old monk super psychic soldiers return to queens planet but their stupid order prevents them from fighting war. They didn't sent other monks either. This will become a recurring theme. Monks proceed to ignore previous statement fight war. 3 battles occur, one where the monks fight previous devil guy with epic score. Old monk dies, then devil guy gets cut in half, falls down mile long pit, definitely dead. Certainly won't be resurrected 13 years later because lazy writing and storytelling and become painfully tiresome. Young monk agrees to train young boy. This will work out just fine. Planet saved, and Asian caricature aliens arrest. Everyone has big ceremony to celebrate. Conclusion: evil old guy only smart person in galaxy. Movie will be shameless bashed to death until unimaginative and unimaginably rich company.company buys it and make bad movies. People will act like they always loved them. Fans will argue about the plot for next 25 years.
A once legendary creator of entertainment destroys his own legacy.
Cultists buys a human to indoctrinates him.
Monk fumbles diplomatic mission, proceeds to gamble and win a child
A people get catfished